Sion’s Article Page: ———————————————— Bottle Cap Challenge
The latest to join the eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge.
-Changed "this" to "the" to make it more general; The latest to join this eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge.
This challenge requires the challenger to take off the cap with a roundhouse kick.
In late June 2019, Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin started the challenge, and American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July.
-Rephrased the sentence to make it a little less confusing. Before, the wording made it seem like the two events were flipped---John Mayer did the challenge first and then Davletchin created it. I changed some wording to clarify the chronological order of the challenge; Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin in late June 2019, started the challenge after American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July.
The challengers show off their talent through Instagram, YouTube, and other social media sites.
An extreme, cool challenge was “German automobile manufacturer BMW, used the challenge to showcase their vehicles and the driving skills of the company's head instructor Claudia Hürtgen.”
-Deleted this sentence. Please don't directly quote from the source article.
This challenge is dangerous, yet exciting.
Bottle Cap Challenge (completely edited article)
The latest to join the eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge. This challenge requires the challenger to take off the cap with a roundhouse kick. In late June 2019, Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin started the challenge, and American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July. The challengers show off their talent through Instagram, YouTube, and other social media sites. This challenge is dangerous, yet exciting.
Bottle Cap Challenge (unedited article)
The latest to join this eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge. This challenge requires the challenger to take off the cap with a roundhouse kick. Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin in late June 2019, started the challenge after American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July. The challengers show off their talent through Instagram, YouTube, and other social media sites. An extreme, cool challenge was “German automobile manufacturer BMW, used the challenge to showcase their vehicles and the driving skills of the company's head instructor Claudia Hürtgen.” This challenge is dangerous, yet exciting.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/8/7/the-bottle-cap-challenge-is-taking-the-internet-by-storm —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Informative Dinosaur Egg Fossils
Newly discovered dinosaur egg fossils have given researchers information about how the dinosaurs looked and acted.
-Added “newly discovered...have given researchers” to provide more context for the reader; The dinosaur egg fossils gave information about how the dinosaur looked and acted.
For example, groups of fossilized eggs found in Mongolia showed how dinosaurs cared for their young.
-Removed “when” and the semicolon for clarity and coherence; For example, when groups of fossilized eggs were found in Mongolia; it showed how dinosaurs cared for the young.
More information showed that dinosaurs were born and nurtured in colonies.
-Changed “would be” to “were.” Because you’re describing a past occurrence, the past tense is a better fit here.
-Changed “nurtured and born” to “born and nurtured.” The dinosaurs were born first and then nurtured, so I changed the phrasing to reflect that; More information showed that dinosaurs would be nurtured and born in colonies.
Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs took care of their babies as a bunch, not individually.
-Changed “take” to “took” to keep the past tense consistent; Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs take care of their babies as a bunch, not individually.
The babies were strong enough to support themselves right after they hatched.
-Deleted “dinosaurs.”
-Changed “are” to “were.” Be careful to watch your tenses; The dinosaurs' babies are strong enough to support themselves right after they hatch.
There is much information we can learn through these fossils.
-Changed the wording of the sentence. This is to emphasize the fact that the researchers are learning more about the dinosaurs because of these fossils, not just learning about the fossils themselves; There is much information about these fossils we can learn about.
Informative Dinosaur Egg Fossils (completely edited article)
Newly discovered dinosaur egg fossils have given researchers information about how the dinosaurs looked and acted. For example, groups of fossilized eggs found in Mongolia showed how dinosaurs cared for their young. More information showed that dinosaurs were born and nurtured in colonies. Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs took care of their babies as a bunch, not individually. The babies were strong enough to support themselves right after they hatched. There is much information we can learn through these fossils.
Informative Dinosaur Egg Fossils (unedited article)
The dinosaur egg fossils gave information about how the dinosaur looked and acted. For example, when groups of fossilized eggs were found in Mongolia; it showed how dinosaurs cared for the young. More information showed that dinosaurs would be nurtured and born in colonies. Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs take care of their babies as a bunch, not individually. The dinosaurs' babies are strong enough to support themselves right after they hatch. There is much information about these fossils we can learn about.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/dinosaur-eggs-and-parental-behavior/
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Big—no—Giant Parrot!
-An em dash is the right punctuation to use here for this type of phrase; Big...no...Giant Parrot!
There are many kinds of parrots and among them is Kakapo, the heaviest parrot.
However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight: the Squawkzilla.
-Replaced the comma with a colon. A colon adds emphasis; However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight, it is the Squawkzilla.
The Squawkzilla, now extinct, was two times the weight of the Kakapo.
-Added "now extinct, was" to indicate to the reader that Squawkzilla does not exist anymore; The Squawkzilla is two times the weight of the Kakapo.
Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle based on their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different.
-Changed "from" to "based on." "Based on" is a more detailed way to describe how the scientists came to believe the parrot was an eagle; The Squawkzilla is two times the weight of the Kakapo. Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle from their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different.
With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla could not fly or climb.
-Changed "cannot" to "could not." Because Squawkzilla is extinct, it should be referred to in the past tense; With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla cannot fly or climb.
More information is being gathered so we can get accurate information about it.
-"Searched" isn't quite the best word to use here. It implies that the scientists are looking for something. "Gathered" describes the process of collecting information that the scientists are undergoing; More information is being searched, and so we can get accurate information about it.
Big—no—Giant Parrot! (completely edited article)
There are many kinds of parrots and among them is Kakapo, the heaviest parrot. However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight: the Squawkzilla. The Squawkzilla, now extinct, was two times the weight of the Kakapo. Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle based on their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different. With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla could not fly or climb. More information is being gathered so we can get accurate information about it.
Big...no...Giant Parrot! (unedited article)
There are many kinds of parrots and among them is Kakapo, the heaviest parrot. However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight, it is the Squawkzilla. The Squawkzilla is two times the weight of the Kakapo. Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle from their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different. With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla cannot fly or climb. More information is being searched, and so we can get accurate information about it.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2019/08/fossils-15-pound-parrot-found-new-zealand-kakapo/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Fornite World Cup Challenge
From July 26 to July 28, 2019, New York's Arthur Ashe Stadium hosted the biggest video game competition of all time.
The Fortnite event was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online.
-Added "Fortnite" for context as to what the video game was; The event, was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online.
The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, was comprised of four tournaments.
-Rephrased "comprised" to "was comprised of"; The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, comprised four different tournaments.
Team Fish Fam won the top prize in the Creative Finals tournament.
Underdogs Emil “Nyhrox” Bergquist Pedersen and David “Aqua” Wang were the winners of the duos championship.
Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf was the champion, winning all six games.
This World Cup was exciting and thrilling.
-Great article!
Thank you! -Sion (Sija)
Fortnite World Cup Challenge (completely edited article)
From July 26 to July 28, 2019, New York's Arthur Ashe Stadium hosted the biggest video game competition of all time. The Fortnite event was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online. The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, was comprised of four tournaments. Team Fish Fam won the top prize in the Creative Finals tournament. Underdogs Emil “Nyhrox” Bergquist Pedersen and David “Aqua” Wang were the winners of the duos championship. Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf was the champion, winning all six games. This World Cup was exciting and thrilling.
Fornite World Cup Challenge (unedited article)
From July 26 to July 28, 2019, New York's Arthur Ashe Stadium hosted the biggest video game competition of all time. The event, was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online. The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, comprised four different tournaments. Team Fish Fam won the top prize in the Creative Finals tournament. Underdogs Emil “Nyhrox” Bergquist Pedersen and David “Aqua” Wang were the winners of the duos championship. Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf was the champion, winning all six games. This World Cup was exciting and thrilling.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— The Wolf Children
After World War 2, many surviving children in East Prussia suffered.
-Rephrased the sentence to provide more context for the reader (not just children, but children in East Prussia).
-Switched the phrase “suffered from surviving” to “surviving children in East Prussia suffered”; After World War 2, many children suffered from surviving.
They had to live without their parents.
They had to search through the woods for food just like wolves.
It was difficult for the children to return to their families, so they all split up and went other ways.
The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: hiding, working in harsh conditions, and receiving little education.
-Rephrased to put “hiding” at the beginning of the sentence for clarity. It also helps improve the logical flow of the sentence.
-Changed “having little education” to “receiving little education.” “Receiving” is more clear about the fact that the children weren’t being taught, and didn’t get regular schooling; The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: working in harsh conditions, having little education and hiding.
Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children; so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
-Added a semicolon to separate the two independent clauses within this sentence; Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children, so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
The Wolf Children (completely edited article)
After World War 2, many surviving children in East Prussia suffered. They had to live without their parents. They had to search through the woods for food just like wolves. It was difficult for the children to return to their families, so they all split up and went other ways. The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: hiding, working in harsh conditions, and receiving little education. Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children; so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
The Wolf Children (unedited article)
After World War 2, many children suffered from surviving. They had to live without their parents. They had to search through the woods for food just like wolves. It was difficult for the children to return to their families, so they all split up and went other ways. The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: working in harsh conditions, having little education and hiding. Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children, so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/2019/07/forgotten-wolf-children-world-war-ii/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Big Jellyfish caught on camera
BBC Earth host Lizzie Daly and underwater photographer Dan Abbott took pictures of amazing marine animals.
Abbott, who took the picture of the Barrel Jellyfish, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width.
-Rephrased the sentence to add more information. Clarified that the picture is of the Barrel Jellyfish and that Abbot is the one who took the picture and described its size; They took this , who took this picture, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width.
A few days later, Cornwall resident Harry Chenoweth and his brother Jago saw this creature.
The Barrel Jellyfish spends most of its time in the open sea.
-Rephrased fix some small grammar issues. Because the Barrel Jellyfish is now introduced as the creature earlier in the paragraph, “this creature” is not needed here.
-Rephrased “spends time in the open sea” to “spends most of its time in the open sea.” “Most” adds specificity; This creature, Barrel Jellyfish, spends time in the open sea.
Their main food source, plankton, is in abundance.
-Added “plankton” to specify what their food source is; Their main food source is in abundance.
Luckily, the jellyfish are too weak to harm humans.
-Added “jellyfish” to clarify that you are not talking about the plankton; Luckily, they are too weak to harm humans.
Big Jellyfish Caught on Camera (completely edited article)
BBC Earth host Lizzie Daly and underwater photographer Dan Abbott took pictures of amazing marine animals. Abbott, who took the picture of the Barrel Jellyfish, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width. A few days later, Cornwall resident Harry Chenoweth and his brother Jago saw the jellyfish. The Barrel Jellyfish spends most of their time in the open sea. Their main food source, plankton, is in abundance. Luckily, they are too weak to harm humans.
Big Jellyfish caught on camera (unedited article)
BBC Earth host Lizzie Daly and underwater photographer Dan Abbott took pictures of amazing marine animals. They took this , who took this picture, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width. A few days later, Cornwall resident Harry Chenoweth and his brother Jago saw this creature. This creature, Barrel Jellyfish, spends time in the open sea. Their main food source is in abundance. Luckily, they are too weak to harm humans.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/7/23/massive-barrel-jellyfish-caught-on-camera-off-english-coast
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Noctilucent Clouds
Noctilucent clouds are very unique clouds.
They have a blue color because they are near the ozone layer (in the stratosphere); these clouds absorb red light and release blue light.
-Removed "on them" because it is not necessary here.
-Added "in the stratosphere." This is just to provide context for the reader that the ozone layer is located in the stratosphere; They have a blue color on them because they are near the ozone layer(stratosphere); these clouds absorb the red light and release the blue light.
Typically, clouds should be in the mesosphere; however, as of 2002, clouds are coming closer to the Earth.
-Great sentence!
Furthermore, the ripples on the clouds are called, “atmospheric gravity waves.”
-Please rephrase this sentence to not include a direct quote from the article.
These clouds can appear visible.
To conclude, Noctilucent clouds are rare clouds you won’t be able to see every day.
Noctilucent Clouds (completely edited article)
Noctilucent clouds are very unique clouds. They have a blue color because they are near the ozone layer (in the stratosphere); these clouds absorb red light and release blue light. Typically, clouds should be in the mesosphere; however, as of 2002, clouds are coming closer to the Earth. Furthermore, the ripples on the clouds are called, “atmospheric gravity waves.” These clouds can appear visible. To conclude, Noctilucent clouds are rare clouds you won’t be able to see every day.
Noctilucent Clouds (unedited article)
Noctilucent clouds are very unique clouds. They have a blue color on them because they are near the ozone layer(stratosphere); these clouds absorb the red light and release the blue light. Typically, clouds should be in the mesosphere; however, as of 2002, clouds are coming closer to the Earth. Furthermore, the ripples on the clouds are called, “atmospheric gravity waves.” These clouds can appear visible. To conclude, Noctilucent clouds are rare clouds you won’t be able to see every day.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/blue-noctilucent-clouds/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Sleeping is important
-Capitalized all words in the title (like a news headline); Sleeping is important.
Sleeping helps you in many ways.
-Changed “will help” to “helps.” This changes the sentence from passive to active (“helps” is an active verb).
-Changed “with” to “in”; Sleeping will help you with many ways.
First of all, sleep helps with restoration.
Sleep cleans out the metabolic waste in the brain.
-Rephrased the sentence. By putting “metabolic waste” first, it makes it a little more clear that the waste is located inside of the brain and is being removed; Sleep cleans out the brain such as metabolic wastes.
It also shrinks 60 percent of your brain cells.
-Rephrased the sentence and make “it” (referring to “sleep”) the subject. This avoids using “brain” twice in the same sentence; The brain shrinks 60 percent of your brain cells.
Soon, when you wake up, your brain will be cleared and refreshed.
Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation.
This maintains and strengthens your long-term memories.
-Changed “It” to “This” to make it more clear that you are talking about the process of consolidation; Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation.
Not only that, sleeping can help prevent muscle loss and fat gain.
Therefore, we should sleep a lot.
Sleeping Is Important (completely edited article)
Sleeping helps you in many ways. First of all, sleep helps with restoration. Sleep cleans out the metabolic waste in the brain. During sleep, brain cells shrink by 60 percent. Soon, when you wake up, your brain will be cleared and refreshed. Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation. This maintains and strengthens your long-term memories. Not only that, sleeping can help prevent muscle loss and fat gain. Therefore, we should sleep a lot.
Sleeping is important (unedited article)
Sleeping will help you with many ways. First of all, sleep helps with restoration. Sleep cleans out the brain such as metabolic wastes. The brain shrinks 60 percent of your brain cells. Soon, when you wake up, your brain will be cleared and refreshed. Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation. It maintains and strengthens your long-term memories. Not only that, sleeping can help by preventing muscle loss and fat gain. Therefore, we should sleep a lot.
Source: https://jamesclear.com/sleep#The%20Purpose%20of%20Sleep —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Observing 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11 landing
The 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing is celebrated on July 20, 2019.
This journey began on July 16, 1969, when Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins launched into space from Florida's Kennedy Space Center.
On July 20, 1969, billions of people were watching “Armstrong and Aldrin lower the lunar module ladder to become the first humans ever to set foot on the moon.“
-Please rewrite this sentence to reflect your own paraphrased version.
The Apollo 11 mission was and still is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts.
-Changed "Golden" to "The Apollo 11." This is to avoid directly quoting the source article.
-Rephrased "was/is" to "was and still is." It's a different way of saying the same thing, but it is a little more formal; This “Golden” mission was/is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts.
Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is being displayed for the first time in 13 years.
-Added "being." It's a good word to use when describing something that is currently still occurring; Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is displayed for the first time in 13 years.
The US Space Agency also announced a never-researched rock sample and gave it to nine lucky scientists.
-Removed "to reveal." It is similar to "announced", so only the first one is necessary here.
-Changed "never-studied" to "never-researched." This is just to avoid quoting too directly from the source article.
-Changed "give" to "gave." This is to keep the past tense consistent; The US Space Agency also announced to reveal a never-studied sample rock and give it to nine lucky scientists.
There are so many events we need to celebrate.
-Rephrased this sentence. I would suggest mentioning the moon landing itself, just to wrap up your paragraph. Good article overall!; Thus, there are so many events we need to celebrate, that we didn’t know about.
Observing 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11 Landing (completely edited article)
The 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing is celebrated on July 20, 2019. This journey began on July 16, 1969, when Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins launched into space from Florida's Kennedy Space Center. On July 20, 1969, billions of people were watching “Armstrong and Aldrin lower the lunar module ladder to become the first humans ever to set foot on the moon. “ The Apollo 11 mission was and still is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts. Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is being displayed for the first time in 13 years. The US Space Agency also announced a never-researched rock sample and gave it to nine lucky scientists. There are so many events we need to celebrate.
Observing 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11 Landing (unedited article)
The 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing is celebrated on July 20, 2019. This journey began on July 16, 1969, when Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins launched into space from Florida's Kennedy Space Center. On July 20, 1969, billions of people were watching “Armstrong and Aldrin lower the lunar module ladder to become the first humans ever to set foot on the moon. “ This “Golden” mission was/is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts. Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is displayed for the first time in 13 years. The US Space Agency also announced to reveal a never-studied sample rock and give it to nine lucky scientists. Thus, there are so many events we need to celebrate, that we didn’t know about.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— The Great Robert Smith
Robert Smith, a billionaire, decided he will pay 2019 Morehouse graduates’ debt.
-Changed the sentence to be completely in the past tense.
-Added “2019 Morehouse graduates” to provide more context for the reader. He specifically erased the debt of that class; Robert Smith, a billionaire, decides he will pay the students’ debt.
Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr. Smith announced he would pay off all their debt.
-Changed “addressed” to “announced.” “Announced” is a good word to use here to describe what he did
-Changed “will” to “would”; Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr.Smith addressed he will pay off all their debt.
Mr. Smith had already gifted the college with $1.5 million.
-He gave the money to Morehouse College, not directly to the students themselves; Mr.Smith had already gifted the students with $1.5 million.
He also mentions in his speech that he was bused to another elementary school.
-Reworded to more accurately reflect the source article. As a kid, Smith was bused to another school across town in order to racially integrate that school; He also mentions in his speech that he devoted to an elementary school for transportation issues.
Furthermore, Mr. Smith said he became like this because of his community; the community allowed him to aspire to reach great heights.
Today, we need more people like him in our society, to become better people and to learn how to help each other.
The Great Robert Smith (completely edited article)
Robert Smith, a billionaire, decided he will pay 2019 Morehouse graduates’ debt. Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr.Smith announced he will pay off all their debt. Mr.Smith had already gifted the college with $1.5 million. He also mentions in his speech that he was bused to another elementary school. Furthermore, Mr. Smith said he became like this because of his community; the community allowed him to aspire to reach great heights. Today, we need more people like him in our society, to become better people and to learn how to help each other.
The Great Robert Smith (unedited article)
Robert Smith, a billionaire, decides he will pay the students’ debt. Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr.Smith addressed he will pay off all their debt. Mr.Smith had already gifted the students with $1.5 million. He also mentions in his speech that he devoted to an elementary school for transportation issues. Furthermore, Mr. Smith said he became like this because of his community; the community allowed him to aspire to reach great heights. Today, we need more people like him in our society, to become better people and so learn how to help each other.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/23/billionaire-investor-robert-smith-pledges-to-pay-off-morehouse-graduates-student-debt —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Bison, an animal you should “keep your eyes peeled”
Bisons are fascinating and great, but can be dangerous and scary at the same time. Bisons are not cute, minuscule animals; but rather huge, scary animals. They weigh 2,000 pounds and run 35 miles per hour, and can jump objects over 5 feet. Bisons are great known swimmers and great at vision, smell, noise. Most of bisons are found in Wyoming, Montana, Colorado and some parts of Kentucky. In Yellow Stone, more than 4.1 million bison came. People should be aware of bison because they can attack at 3,500 square miles area. Thus, bison are scary and huge, they are nice and smart.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/bison-encounter-buffalo/ –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Ozmo, the Ultimate Hero!
Skyscrapers worldwide are made out of large glass panes human workers have to clean frequently.
-Removed unnecessary commas after “skyscrapers and worldwide.” Also Removed “and” and “them”; Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently.
For humans it is a hard and risky task; if they fall off, they would die or be severely injured.
- Removed “for them” because the subject is already specified.
-Changed “wouldn’t be alive” to “would die” in order to use more active verb
-Combined the two sentences with a colon in between; For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them. If they fall off, they wouldn’t be alive or be severely injured.
Because of this, a robot named Ozmo will is assigned to clean the glass panes and while humans will be safely watching itwatch below.
-Removed “so” to make the sentence more fluid and replaced with “because of this.”
-Added “A robot named” because Ozmo it has not been previously named
-Changed “will be” to “is” in order to keep the present tense.
-Changed “and humans will be safely watching it below” to “while humans safely watch below” in order to keep the present tense; So, Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes and humans will be safely watching it below.
The benefits of Ozmo are that it works safer and faster, taking 80 hours to clean the whole outside while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
-Combined these two sentences and fixed subject-verb agreement; The benefits of having Ozmo is that it works faster and safer. The Ozmo takes 80 hours to clean the whole outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
The Ozmo uses its arms and brushes to clean the glass panes.
-I removed this sentence to conform to the 7 sentence paragraph structure; it is also not essential.
A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system, which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of.
To do its job, the Ozmo uses distilled water and a process known as reverse osmosis.
-Changed the structure and some wording of the sentence in order to avoid potential plagiarism; The Ozmo uses distilled water and a process called reverse osmosis to do the job.
Schwarcz explains, "We hypothyroid by water, taking all the minerals out of it, and then we use the natural properties of pure water to absorb the salts, the minerals, the oils, the grit from the building. We are environmentally neutral."
-I removed this sentence because it is directly taken from the original source; I also do not believe it is necessary in light of the 7 sentence paragraph structure.
It is anticipatedOzmo, the Ultimate Hero!
Skyscrapers worldwide are made out of large glass panes human workers have to clean frequently.
-Removed unnecessary commas after “skyscrapers and worldwide.” Also Removed “and” and “them”; Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently.
For humans it is a hard and risky task; if they fall off, they would die or be severely injured.
- Removed “for them” because the subject is already specified.
-Changed “wouldn’t be alive” to “would die” in order to use more active verb
-Combined the two sentences with a colon in between; For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them. If they fall off, they wouldn’t be alive or be severely injured.
Because of this, a robot named Ozmo will is assigned to clean the glass panes and while humans will be safely watching itwatch below.
-Removed “so” to make the sentence more fluid and replaced with “because of this.”
-Added “A robot named” because Ozmo it has not been previously named
-Changed “will be” to “is” in order to keep the present tense.
-Changed “and humans will be safely watching it below” to “while humans safely watch below” in order to keep the present tense; So, Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes and humans will be safely watching it below.
The benefits of Ozmo are that it works safer and faster, taking 80 hours to clean the whole outside while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
-Combined these two sentences and fixed subject-verb agreement; The benefits of having Ozmo is that it works faster and safer. The Ozmo takes 80 hours to clean the whole outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
The Ozmo uses its arms and brushes to clean the glass panes.
-I removed this sentence to conform to the 7 sentence paragraph structure; it is also not essential.
A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system, which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of.
To do its job, the Ozmo uses distilled water and a process known as reverse osmosis.
-Changed the structure and some wording of the sentence in order to avoid potential plagiarism; The Ozmo uses distilled water and a process called reverse osmosis to do the job.
Schwarcz explains, "We hypothyroid by water, taking all the minerals out of it, and then we use the natural properties of pure water to absorb the salts, the minerals, the oils, the grit from the building. We are environmentally neutral."
-I removed this sentence because it is directly taken from the original source; I also do not believe it is necessary in light of the 7 sentence paragraph structure.
It is anticipated that the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
-Reworded this sentence because it does not reflect the content of the source; It is unclear if the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
Ozmo, the Ultimate Hero! (completely edited article)
Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently. For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them: if they fall off, they could die or be severely injured. Because of this, a robot named Ozmo will is assigned to clean the glass panes while humans watch safely from below. The benefits of having Ozmo are that it works faster and safer, taking 80 hours to clean the entire outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean. A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system, which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of. To do its job, the Ozmo uses distilled water and a process known as reverse osmosis. It is unclear if the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
Ozmo, the Ultimate Hero! (unedited article)
Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently. For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them. If they fall off, they wouldn't be alive or be severely injured. So, Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes and humans will be safely watching it below. The benefits of having Ozmo is that it works faster and safer. The Ozmo takes 80 hours to clean the whole outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean. The Ozmo uses its arms and brushes to clean the glass panes. A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system , which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of. The Ozmo uses distilled water and a process called reverse osmosis to do the job. Schwarcz explains, "We hypothyroid by water, taking all the minerals out of it, and then we use the natural properties of pure water to absorb the salts, the minerals, the oils, the grit from the building. We are environmentally neutral." It is anticipated that the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers. that the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/27/meet-ozmo-the-environmentally-friendly-window-cleaning-robot –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– The Effects of Cracked Phones
Cracked phones are bad in a variety of ways.
-"Variety" is a more descriptive alternative to "many", and it has a similar meaning; Cracked phones are bad in many ways.
First of all, it blocks content and exposes the phone to future damages.
-Changed "obstruct" to "blocks" in order to avoid copying the article and using their wording too closely; First of all, it obstructs content and exposes the phone for future damages.
Also, the phone's touch functionality gets damaged, preventing it from sensing fingerprints.
-Added "phone's touch functionality" in order to avoid copying the article too closely. Also, adding "phone" as a subject links your ideas together more clearly.
-Added "preventing it from sensing fingerprints." "Preventing" is a more concise way of saying "not allowing." I also changed the construction of the phrase to be active, so "to sense" becomes the verb "sensing." This works because I previously made "phone" a subject of the sentence; Also, the captive touch functionality gets damaged, and so not allowing it to sense fingerprints.
In addition, the water-resistant “power” will stop working because the crack allows the water to get through to the phone.
Not only that, you can cut your fingers on the sharp, hard cracks.'
-Changed "sharp and hard cracks" to "sharp, hard cracks." Using the "and" construction isn't wrong. The comma construction is another way of indicating the two adjectives---"sharp" and "hard"---modify the noun, "cracks"; Not only that, you can cut your fingers by the sharp and hard cracks.
Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to avoid these effects.
-Changed "reduce" to "avoid." You're advising that someone try not to crack their phone at all. So in this case, "avoid" is a more appropriate word to use here. Good use of "therefore"!; Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to reduce the effects.
The Effects of Cracked Phones (completely edited article)
Cracked phones are bad in a variety of ways. First of all, it blocks content and exposes the phone to future damages. Also, the phone's touch functionality gets damaged, preventing it from sensing fingerprints. In addition, the water-resistant “power” will stop working because the crack allows the water to get through to the phone. Not only that, you can cut your fingers on the sharp, hard cracks. Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to avoid these effects.
The Effects of Cracked Phones (unedited article)
Cracked phones are bad in many ways. First of all, it obstructs content and exposes the phone for future damages. Also, the captive touch functionality gets damaged, and so not allowing it to sense fingerprints. In addition, the water-resistant “power” will stop working because the crack allows the water to get through the phone. Not only that, you can cut your fingers by the sharp and hard cracks. Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to reduce the effects.
Source: https://www.techwalla.com/articles/the-dangers-of-a-cracked-phone-screen —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Ruthenium
Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is interesting to learn about.
-Removed "very." Try out using synonyms that mean the same thing as "very interesting", but are more descriptive, like "captivating" or "compelling". "Interesting" is somewhat vague; Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is very interesting to learn about.
Ruthenium was identified by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844.
-Changed "created" to "identified." "Identified" is a bit more accurate of a term to use here than "created", as Klaus is credited as discovering the element and not making it; Ruthenium was created by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844.
Its atomic number is 44 and the atomic weight is 101.07.
Ruthenium is a hard, white transition metal.
Ruthenium is found in the Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa.
-Added "the" before "Ural Mountains"; Ruthenium is found in Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa.
Ruthenium is not only a cool element; it also has a good use.
-Deleted "not only that" because it is similar to the other "not only" in the sentence.
-Changed "can not only be" to "is not only." The first phrasing is a bit awkward. The second phrasing makes your statement more definitive and strong, and helps with the coherence of the sentence.
-Changed "but also a good use" to "it also has a good use." The semicolon acts as the "but" in this sentence, so it is not needed.
-Changed "also a good use" to "has a good use." "Has" indicates that it is being used for something, which is exactly what you describe. Good use of the semicolon!; Not only that, Ruthenium can not only be a cool element; but also a good use.
Ruthenium can “split hydrogen sulfide (H2S) through light, using an aqueous suspension of cadmium sulfide (CdS) particles loaded with ruthenium dioxide. This ability could help to remove of H2S from oil refining and other industrial processes.”
-I'm removing this sentence because it is a direct quote from the source. Please try and avoid using direct quotes. You can paraphrase this quote and replace this sentence.
Ruthenium is not an element that everyone knows, which is unfortunate because it is so cool to learn about.
Ruthenium (completely edited article)
Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is interesting to learn about. Ruthenium was identified by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844. Its atomic number is 44 and the atomic weight is 101.07. Ruthenium is a hard, white transition metal. Ruthenium can be attacked by halogens and hydroxides. Ruthenium is found in the Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa. Ruthenium is not only a cool element, but it also has a good use. Ruthenium is not an element that everyone knows, which is unfortunate because it is so cool to learn about.
Ruthenium (unedited article)
Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is very interesting to learn about. Ruthenium was created by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844. Its atomic number is 44 and the atomic weight is 101.07. Ruthenium is a hard, white transition metal. Ruthenium can be attacked by halogens and hydroxides. Ruthenium is found in Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa. Not only that, Ruthenium can not only be a cool element; but also a good use. Ruthenium can “split hydrogen sulfide (H2S) through light, using an aqueous suspension of cadmium sulfide (CdS) particles loaded with ruthenium dioxide. This ability could help to remove of H2S from oil refining and other industrial processes.” Ruthenium is not an element that everyone knows, which is unfortunate because it is so cool to learn about.
Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.livescience.com/34836-ruthenium.html
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Protesting Successful
Recent protests in Hong Kong and Sudan were successful.
-Added “recent” to contextualize for the reader what you will be writing about.
-Changed China to Hong Kong. Although Hong Kong is considered a part of China, I think it’s more accurate here to say Hong Kong; Protesting in China and Sudan were successful.
In Sudan, people have been protesting since 2018 because of the food prices.
In April, their president, Omar al-Bashir, was forced out because of the protests.
However, protesters weren’t happy when the army leaders took over.
As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, although not all.
-Changed the wording of “not all though” to “although not all.” “Although” is a more concise way of saying “not all”, and it sounds like a more complete phrase; As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, not all though.
The army leaders decided to share power with the people.
-Removed the direct quote because I wanted to make sure that you were just paraphrasing; The army leaders decided, “to share power with people from the protest movement.”
In Hong Kong, people were protesting over a bill that was passed.
‘’’In early June, people didn’t agree to allowing the government to send people suspected of crimes to China.’’’
The protesting was strong and long, so the government decided not to pass it.
Protesting Successful (completely edited article)
Recent protests in Hong Kong and Sudan were successful. In Sudan, people have been protesting since 2018 because of the food prices. In April, their president, Omar al-Bashir, was forced out because of the protests. However, protesters weren’t happy when the army leaders took over. As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, although not all. The army leaders decided to share power with the people. In Hong Kong, people were protesting over a bill that was passed. In early June, people didn’t agree to allowing the government to send people suspected of crimes to China. The protesting was strong and long, so the government decided not to pass it.
Protesting Successful (unedited article)
Protesting in China and Sudan were successful. In Sudan, people have been protesting since 2018 because of the food prices. In April, their president, Omar al-Bashir, was forced out because of the protests. However, protesters weren’t happy when the army leaders took over. As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, not all though. The army leaders decided, “to share power with people from the protest movement. ” In Hong Kong, people were protesting over a bill that was passed. In early June, people didn’t agree to allowing the government to send people suspected of crimes to China. The protesting was strong and long, so the government decided not to pass it.
Source: https://newsforkids.net/articles/2019/07/10/protesters-in-sudan-hong-kong-are-successful/
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Sometimes, annoying noises are good for purposes
-Capitalized the title. Also changed to "for good purposes."
In Europe, there are many electric cars.
-Added "many" to make the sentence a little less broad; In Europe, there are electric cars.
However, some electrical cars don’t make any sounds.
The bad part about that is there are going to be more car accidents.
The noises give information about the location and speed of the car; however, without it there would be no valid information.
-Added "of the car" to add some context. Great sentence!; The noises give information about the location and speed; however, without it there would be no valid information.
Many people tend to like noiseless cars because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize there are unpleasant consequences.
-"Noiseless" is a more concise way to say "no noise." I also added "cars" to make it more clear that you are referring to car noises.
-Changed "their" to "there are"; Many people tend to like no noises because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize their unpleasant consequences.
The noises are beneficial for blind people because they will be able to at least locate the car.
Therefore, adding noises to electric cars is beneficial to many people.
-Added "to many people" to specify who it is beneficial for; Therefore, adding noises to the electric cars is beneficial.
Sometimes, Annoying Noises Are For Good Purposes (completely edited article)
In Europe, there are many electric cars. However, some electrical cars don’t make any noise. The bad part about that is there are going to be more car accidents. The noises give information about the location and speed of the car; however, without it there would be no valid information. Many people tend to like noiseless cars because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize there are unpleasant consequences. The noises are beneficial for blind people because they will be able to at least locate the car. Therefore, adding noises to electric cars is beneficial for many people.
Sometimes, annoying noises are good for purposes (unedited article)
In Europe, there are electric cars. However, some electrical cars don’t make any sounds. The bad part about that is there are going to be more car accidents. The noises give information about the location and speed; however, without it there would be no valid information. Many people tend to like no noises because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize their unpleasant consequences. The noises are beneficial for blind people because they will be able to at least locate the car. Therefore, adding noises to the electric cars is beneficial.
Source: https://newsforkids.net/articles/2019/07/04/electric-cars-in-europe-must-make-noise/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— National Ice Cream Month Has Begun
July is official National Ice Cream Month.
-Capitalized “National Ice Cream Month” because it is a proper noun; July is the official national ice cream month.
The tradition was started in 1984 by US president Ronald Reagan to appreciate ice cream’s taste and qualities.
-Reworded some of the sentence to make it a more complete thought; The tradition was started in 1984 by past US president Ronald Reagan, appreciating the taste and qualities.
There is no origin of ice cream, but some believe it originated from the Persians.
-Changed “few” to “some.” “Few” implies that not that many people believe the Persians were the first to make ice cream. “Some” implies that there are some people who do believe it; There is no origin of ice cream, but few believe it originated from the Persians.
The first milk-based ice cream came from China's Tang Dynasty.’’’
However, the Arabs are credited for making the first modern-day ice cream.
Ice cream soon expanded to Europe in the 16th century and not to the US until 1744.
-Deleted the commas around “ice cream soon.”
-Moved “not” to be before “US.” This places greater emphasis on the fact that the US was introduced to ice cream relatively late; Ice cream, soon, expanded to Europe in the 16th century and to the US not until 1744.
The best part of ice cream are the flavors.
-The plural form of “ice cream” is generally written as “ice cream”, so I altered the sentence to reflect that.
There are so many different kinds of flavors; it represents different personalities too.
For example, mint chocolate chip represents an argumentative personality.
In conclusion, July is a great month to think about, eat and enjoy ice cream.
-Added “about”; In conclusion, July is a great month to think about, eat and enjoy ice cream.
National Ice Cream Month Has Begun (completely edited article)
July is official National Ice Cream Month. The tradition was started in 1984 by US president Ronald Reagan, appreciating the taste and qualities. There is no origin of ice cream, but some believe it originated from the Persians. The first milk-based ice cream came from China's Tang Dynasty. However, the Arabs are credited for making the first modern-day ice cream. Ice cream soon expanded to Europe in the 16th century and not to the US until 1744. The best part of ice cream is the flavors. There are so many different kinds of flavors; it represents different personalities too. For example, mint chocolate chip represents an argumentative personality. In conclusion, July is a great month to think about, eat and enjoy ice cream.
NATIONAL ICE CREAM HAS BEGUN (unedited article)
July is the official national ice cream month. The tradition was started in 1984 by past US president Ronald Reagan, appreciating the taste and qualities. There is no origin of ice cream, but few believe it originated from the Persians. The first milk-based ice cream came from China's Tang Dynasty. However, the Arabs are credited for making the first modern-day ice cream. Ice cream, soon, expanded to Europe in the 16th century and to the US not until 1744. The best part of ice creams is the flavors. There are so many different kinds of flavors; it represents different personalities too. For example, mint chocolate chip represents an argumentative personality. In conclusion, July is the great month to think, eat and enjoy ice cream.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/7/6/national-ice-cream-month-has-begun
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Unfair Treatment
Jaroslav Bobrowski, an Ironman triathlete, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant.
He was banned because he ate too much.
According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is on a special diet in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full.
-"On" is a better word to use here than "in"; According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is in a special diet, in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full.
Passauer Neue Presse, the owner of the restaurant, said he ate for five people.
He found this abnormal, so he banned Mr. Bobrowski from his store.
-"Abnormal" is a different and more concise way of saying "not normal."
-Deleted "and" and "the" because they were unnecessary in this sentence; He found this not normal, and so he banned the Mr. Bobrowski from his store.
He didn't even let Mr. Bobrowski tip the waiter that helped him.
-"Didn't even" is a more natural sounding phrase than "even didn't."
-Deleted "pay" and "to." It's sufficient to just say "tip the waiter" as "tip" can be used as a verb, like in this case; He even didn’t let Mr. Bobrowski pay tip to the waiter that helped him.
Although people might eat beyond an average person, they shouldn’t judge them and kick them out.
-This sentence is an opinion and is not contained within the article. Please rewrite this sentence to paraphrase something else from the article that can help you wrap up your paragraph. Great work overall!
Unfair Treatment (edited)
Jaroslav Bobrowski, an Ironman triathlete, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. He was banned because he ate too much. According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is on a special diet in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full. Passauer Neue Presse, the owner of the restaurant, said he ate for five people. He found this abnormal, so he banned Mr. Bobrowski from his store. He didn't even let Mr. Bobrowski tip the waiter that helped him. Although people might eat beyond an average person, they shouldn’t judge them and kick them out.
Unfair Treatment (original)
Jaroslav Bobrowski, an Ironman triathlete, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. He was banned because he ate too much. According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is in a special diet, in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full. Passauer Neue Presse, the owner of the restaurant, said he ate for five people. He found this not normal, and so he banned the Mr. Bobrowski from his store. He even didn’t let Mr. Bobrowski pay tip to the waiter that helped him. Although people might eat beyond an average person, they shouldn’t judge them and kick them out.
Source: https://www.thelocal.de/20180914/german-triathlete-banned-from-all-you-can-eat-sushi-restaurant-for-eating-too-much ————————————————-
National Donut Day is Coming!
-I changed "COMING" to "Coming" just to keep the headline more professional.
-Changed "Doughnut" to "Donut." "Doughnut" is a valid way to spell it, but I just changed it to "donut" because that's the way the author from the source article spells it; National Doughnut Day is Coming!
National Donut Day is on June 7th.
-Changed "Doughnut" to "Donut"; National Doughnut Day is on June 7th.
The history behind this holiday goes back to World War I, when Salvation Army went to assist US troops.
-Changed the structure of this sentence. By putting the historical context first (World War I), it better orients the reader; The history behind this holiday is Salvation Army workers who went to assist US troops during World War I (WWI).
When the "Donut Girls," arrived in France in 1917, they found the soldiers were miserable.
To try to cheer them up, they planned to make donuts with flour, sugar, and oil.
-Changed "the Salvation Army" to "they." It is not the organization as a whole that planned to make donuts, it was the workers in particular. "They" is a more accurate and simple way to refer to them. Great sentence overall!; To try to cheer them up, the Salvation Army planned to make doughnuts with flour, sugar, and oil.
One of the workers, Margaret Sheldon, convinced a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter using the top of a condensed milk can.
-Added "One of the workers, Margaret Sheldon" in order to provide context for the reader. When first introducing someone in a piece of writing, try and refer to them by their first name. After that first reference, you can only refer to them by their last name if you choose.
-Changed some of the wording of the sentence because it was too close to the original source material. Try to avoid plagiarism!; Sheldon soon managed to convince a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter, using the top of a condensed milk can to make a donut with a hole in it.
Soon, the treat was done and they were called the “doughboys,” afterward.
Celebrating this day, there are many promotions, deals, and giveaways happening in 20 different countries.
-Good paragraph overall! Keep up the good work.
National Doughnut Day is COMING!
The national doughnut day is on June 7th. An average American eats 31 doughnuts every year. The history behind this holiday is Salvation Army workers who went to assist US troops during World War I (WWI). When the "Donut Girls," arrived in France in 1917, they found the soldiers were miserable. To try to cheer them up, the Salvation Army planned to make doughnuts with flour, sugar, and oil. Sheldon soon managed to convince a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter, using the top of a condensed milk can to make a donut with a hole in it. Soon, the treat was done and they were called the “doughboys,” afterward. Celebrating this day, there are many promotions, deals, and giveaways happening in 20 different countries.
National Donut Day is Coming!
National Donut Day is on June 7th. An average American eats 31 doughnuts every year. The history behind this holiday goes back to World War I, when Salvation Army went to assist US troops. When the "Donut Girls," arrived in France in 1917, they found the soldiers were miserable. To try to cheer them up, they planned to make donuts with flour, sugar, and oil. One of the workers, Margaret Sheldon, convinced a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter using the top of a condensed milk can. Soon, the treat was done and they were called the “doughboys,” afterward. Celebrating this day, there are many promotions, deals, and giveaways happening in 20 different countries.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/31/national-donut-day-is-just-a-week-away
————————————————
New Restrictive Abortion Laws
-Changed the headline to specify which laws you're talking about, as well as what they are doing.
The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other circumstances.
-Changed "actions" to "circumstances." "Circumstances" better encapsulates the various conditions that may lead a woman to seeking out an abortion; The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other actions.
Non-complying doctors will be charged with criminal penalties, and the state can send them to prison for up to 15 years.
-This is a well-written sentence but I'm not sure where you got this information from. There is nothing about this in the source article. Please stick to paraphrasing your source.
The votes were 24-10 by the Republican supermajority.
-Again, this is a well-written sentence but I don't know where this information comes from. Please only paraphrase from the source.
These restrictive abortion laws are not only going to be in effect in Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio, and Kentucky.
-Deleted "However, this." "This" would be better to use in reference to a single law. Because you're talking about several different laws, "these" is a better word here.
-Changed "are" to "were." This better reflects the fact that these laws have not gone into complete effect yet, but they will.
-Changed "used by" to "in effect." Although "used" is technically correct here, "in effect" better captures the fact that these laws will soon be put in use, but they haven't yet; However, this restrictive abortion laws were not only going to used by Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio, and Kentucky.
This will also be used as another possible reason to restrict Roe V. Wade, which the Supreme Court will decide upon.
-Changed "will be also" to "also be used."
-Changed "legal vehicle" to "reason." I believe you are trying to say that the law will be a point of debate within the Supreme Court, causing them to have to make a new decision. "Legal vehicle" is a little confusing here, so "reason" works best.
-Added "restrict." The phrase "legal vehicle to the Roe V Wade case" doesn't specify what could actually happen to Roe. The law could potentially restrict or destroy it.
-Changed "before" to "which." Roe V. Wade won't end unless the Supreme Court decides to do so. "Which" better reflects that this decision will take place sometime in the near future.
-Changed "speaks" to "will speak." Because their ruling hasn't happened yet, I changed it to be in the future tense; This will be also served as another possible legal vehicle to the Roe V Wade case, before the Supreme Court speaks about this.
Depending on the Supreme Court's decision, they can overturn this bill or pass it to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill.
-Changed "Supreme Court" to "Supreme Court's decision." Because the Supreme Court is performing an action, it can be specified that they are making a decision.
-Changed "this" to "it." Try to avoid repeating "this" too much. If it is repeated multiple times in a sentence, it can become vague and a little confusing.
-I am not sure where you got this information. It's not in the source article. Again, please stick to just paraphrasing your source; Depending on the Supreme court, they can overturn this bill, or pass this to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill.
M’Evie Mead, director of policy and organizing for Planned Parenthood Advocates in Missouri, said “ Politicians are putting the health and lives of Missouri women at risk in their race to make sure our state the one that overturns Roe v. Wade at the Supreme Court. These bans on safe, legal abortion will have real costs for the women and families who need reproductive health care.
-This fact is not anywhere in your source article. In addition, you should not directly quote your source, as you are paraphrasing. Please, please stick to paraphrasing your source. I deleted this sentence.
Many emotions ran through the night, and many protests happened in the day.
-Changed "protesting" to "protests." Because you don't specify who is doing the protesting, using the verb "protesting" is a little confusing.
This information is not present anywhere in the source article. Please try and avoid plagiarism; Many emotions ran through the night, and many protesting happened in the day.
The New Law
The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other actions. Non-complying doctors will be charged with criminal penalties, and the state can send them to prison for up to 15 years. The votes were 24-10 by the Republican supermajority. However, this restrictive abortion laws were not only going to be used by Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio and Kentucky. This will be also served as another possible legal vehicle to the Roe v Wade case, before the Supreme Court speaks about this. Depending on the Supreme Court, they can overturn this bill, or pass this to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill. M’Evie Mead, director of policy and organizing for Planned Parenthood Advocates in Missouri, said “ Politicians are putting the health and lives of Missouri women at risk in their race to make sure our state the one that overturns Roe v. Wade at the Supreme Court. These bans on safe, legal abortion will have real costs for the women and families who need reproductive health care.” Many emotions ran through the night, and many protesting happened in the day.
New Abortion Laws
The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other circumstances. Non-complying doctors will be charged with criminal penalties, and the state can send them to prison for up to 15 years. These restrictive abortion laws are not only going to be in effect in Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio and Kentucky. This will also be used as another possible reason to restrict Roe V. Wade, which the Supreme Court will speak about. Depending on the Supreme Court's decision, they can overturn this bill or pass it to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill. Many emotions ran through the night, and many protests happened in the day.
Source: https://apple.news/Avijsj6YQRw6gzZ7IeXf7Vg
-Note: please try and change your source to more accurately reflect the content of your original paragraph.
————————————————
Great News for the Royal Family!
On May 6, 2019, a year after the beautiful wedding of Prince Harry and Megan Markle, they announced to the public their first child. The baby boy is 7- pounds, 3- ounces. They announced this great news through Instagram and then on a placard placed at the entrance of Buckingham Palace. Prince Harry told the reporters how grateful he was to become a father. He also mentioned that his wife and his child are doing well. They named their child Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor. Archie means bravery and strength. His second name, Harrison, means the son of Harry. Although they didn’t follow the name tradition, they did follow the other part of the tradition. Like other family members, they brought their child to Queen Elizabeth ll and Prince Philip. With the great start, hope the family prospers and be full with blessings.
Caffeine's Power
Caffeine is a stimulant and the most prominent drug used everyday. According to a clinical research study by ScienceDirect, “ 92 percent of college students consume caffeine in various forms, which is at a slightly higher number than the national average of 89 percent.” As shown, caffeine is used over the average. Many people intake caffeine for various reasons such as increasing wakefulness, alleviating fatigue and improving concentration and focus. Unfortunately, many people don’t the cons to intaking caffeine. For example, caffeine can give headaches, irritability, fatigue, tremors, increased anxiety or depression. Furthermore, increased heart rate, high blood pressure or increased dehydration. Thus, rather than intaking caffeine everyday, we can drink something healthier and safer.
The Coin Hunt, not the Easter Egg Hunt
The coin hunting has started. It began on April 21, and will end on April 27. There are many benefits of looking for coins. Searching for coins can teach children about art, science, history, and economics. Furthermore, it can bring back old coins and money we didn’t see for a long time. In addition, the coins we find can value up to $1000. Not only that, people who find these rare coins can exchange for impressive gems. Coin hunting can be both fun and educating at the same time.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/4/25/examine-your-spare-change-the-great-american-coin-hunt-has-begun
‘’’Awesome job coming up with a relevant title! I would modify it slightly by writing something like: “Move Over Easter Egg Hunt, the Coin Hunt has Begun”’’’
‘’’Sija, good start but remember to give your reader plenty of context in the first sentence, so that they will be interested in reading the whole article. “I added “A new kind of treasure hunt” at the beginning of the sentence, to provide context, and I spelled out its entire name: The Great American Coin Hunt; A new kind of treasure hunt, The Great American Coin Hunt, has emerged in the United States.’’’
‘’’Sija, try to avoid beginning sentences with “it” because it is a bit vague. I changed “it” to “The coin hunt” and removed the comma after “April 21” because it was unnecessary. I also changed “ended” to “lasted through”; The coin hunt began on April 21 and lasted through April 27.’’’
‘’’Good job with this sentence! I added “The treasure hunt aims to make people aware” before what you wrote in order to add context and provide a smoother transition. I also changed “looking” for “searching”; The treasure hunt aims to make people aware of the many benefits of searching for coins.’’’
‘’’Great job with this sentence! I only removed the last comma before “and economics) because it was unnecessary. Searching for coins can teach children about art, science, history and economics.’’’
‘’’I changed “furthermore” to “additionally” and added “the coin hunt provides an opportunity”. Remember to avoid first person, by keeping away from words like “we”. I also removed “money” because you had already used “coins” to the sentence became redundant; Additionally, the coin hunt provides an opportunity for old coins, which have not been seen for years, to resurface.’’’
‘’’Remember to avoid writing in first person; Try to steer clear of words like “we”. I added context at the beginning of the sentence, by including information about the “golden tickets”; Also included in the hunt are five "Golden Tickets” which participants can trade for coins, valued up to $1000.’’’
‘’’I changed “not only that” to “in addition” and added pertinent information about the specially marked coins; In addition, 250 specially marked holographic medallions have been distributed and the participants who find these coins can exchange them for rare gems.’’’
‘’’Good sentence but remember to avoid opinions in your articles. The coin hunt is designed to inspire a new generation to carry on the tradition of coin collecting.’’’
The Coin Hunt, not the Easter Egg Hunt
The coin hunting has started. It began on April 21, and will end on April 27. There are many benefits of looking for coins. Searching for coins can teach children about art, science, history, and economics. Furthermore, it can bring back old coins and money we didn’t see for a long time. In addition, the coins we find can value up to $1000. Not only that, people who find these rare coins can exchange for impressive gems. Coin hunting can be both fun and educating at the same time. Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/4/25/examine-your-spare-change-the-great-american-coin-hunt-has-begun
‘’’Move Over Easter Egg Hunt, the Coin Hunt has Begun
A new kind of treasure hunt, The Great American Coin Hunt, has emerged in the United States. The coin hunt began on April 21 and lasted through April 27. The treasure hunt aims to make people aware of the many benefits of searching for coins. Searching for coins can teach children about art, science, history and economics. Additionally, the coin hunt provides an opportunity for old coins, which have not been seen for years, to resurface. Also included in the hunt are five "Golden Tickets” which participants can trade for coins, valued up to $1000. In addition, 250 specially marked holographic medallions have been distributed and the participants who find these coins can exchange them for rare gems. The coin hunt is designed to inspire a new generation to carry on the tradition of coin collecting.’’’ Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/4/25/examine-your-spare-change-the-great-american-coin-hunt-has-begun
Notre Dame Cathedral, Please stay Safe.
On April 15, 2019, the 850-year-old monument, in Paris, collapsed from an accidental fire. The initial fire alarm sounded 6:20p.m.; however, there was no sign of the fire yet. Just incase, the people inside evacuated out, and which they made the right decision. Soon the second alarm sounded, but about twenty minutes had to past, just to see the flames. Within seconds, the roof of the monument collapsed. The inside of the monument got destroyed, meaning all the arts and precious memories were destroyed. Thankfully, the most important relic, the thorn crown worn by Jesu, was safely brought out and was not destroyed. Many people are trying to help rebuild the monument by donating, and so far $1 billion has been donated. Everyone will hope to see the nice reconstructed Notre Dame Cathedral soon!
‘’’I think maybe saying “stay safe” is a bit counter-intuitive since the accident already happened; I suggest something like “Paris Weeps Over the Burning of the Notre-Dame Cathedral.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to give context to your reader; which building? I added “the Notre-Dame cathedral” and changed “collapsed” to “severely damaged” because if you read the original article carefully, you’ll understand that the building is still standing; On April 15, 2019, the Notre-Dame cathedral, a 850-year-old monument located in Paris, was severely damaged from an accidental fire.’’’
‘’’Great job using a semicolon! I moved “6:20 p.m.” to the beginning of the sentence so it differed from the original article. I also reworded “there was no sign of the fire” to “the fire was not yet visible” because some sign had to be present for the alarm to go off; At 6:20 p.m., the initial fire alarm sounded; however, at that time, the fire was not yet visible.’’’
‘’’I changed “just in case” to “as a precaution”. When you say evacuated, it is not necessary to include “out” after, so I omitted that. As a precaution, the people inside were evacuated, which was the right decision.’’’
‘’’Remember that while you are supposed to spell out number one through nine, you should use the digits for 10 and up. I clarified that according to the article, 23 minutes passed. I reworded your sentence a bit for clarity but kept al of your original ideas; The second alarm sounded about 23 minutes later, at which point the flames were visible.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to carefully find your facts. I could not find anything in the article that said that “within seconds, the roof had collapsed”. I added the fact about the wooden spire because I found it relevant and informative; By the time the fire had been extinguished, the monument’s ceiling and its 250-ton lead-clad wooden spire, had collapsed.’’’
‘’’Again, make sure to read the original article carefully; it states that not everything was destroyed. Also, watch your spelling. “Art” in plural is still “Art”; For the most part, the inside of the monument was badly burned; however, thanks to church officials, firefighters and municipal workers, who, early on, formed a human chain, many invaluable treasures were recovered.‘’’
‘’’Again, make sure to check your spelling; I believe you were trying to write “Jesus”. I added “Included in these treasures” to connect this sentence to the previous one; Included in these treasures was probably the most important relic, the thorn crown, believed to have been worn by Jesus.’’’
‘’’I added a transition sentence, so that the article is not so choppy. The Notre-Dame is a monument that many people treasure, so efforts to raise money for its rebuilding have already begun. In fact, so far, $1 billion has been donated.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to avoid opinions in your conclusions; stick to the facts; The French president, Emmanuel Macron, even believes that the building will be restored and ready by 2024, just in time for the Paris Summer Olympics.’’’
Notre Dame Cathedral, please stay Safe.
On April 15, 2019, the 850-year-old monument, in Paris, collapsed from an accidental fire. The initial fire alarm sounded 6:20p.m.; however, there was no sign of the fire yet. Just incase, the people inside evacuated out, and which they made the right decision. Soon the second alarm sounded, but about twenty minutes had to past, just to see the flames. Within seconds, the roof of the monument collapsed. The inside of the monument got destroyed, meaning all the arts and precious memories were destroyed. Thankfully, the most important relic, the thorn crown worn by Jesu, was safely brought out and was not destroyed. Many people are trying to help rebuild the monument by donating, and so far $1 billion has been donated. Everyone will hope to see the nice reconstructed Notre Dame Cathedral soon! Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/4/18/french-president-emmanuel-macron-promises-to-rebuild-fire-ravaged-notre-dame-cathedral
‘’’Paris Weeps Over the Burning of the Notre-Dame Cathedral
On April 15, 2019, the Notre-Dame cathedral, an 850-year-old monument located in Paris, was severely damaged from an accidental fire. At 6:20 p.m., the initial fire alarm sounded; however, at that time, the fire was not yet visible. As a precaution, the people inside were evacuated, which was the right decision. The second alarm sounded about 23 minutes later, at which point the flames were visible. By the time the fire had been extinguished, the monument’s ceiling and its 250-ton lead-clad wooden spire, had collapsed. For the most part, the inside of the monument was badly burned; however, thanks to church officials, firefighters and municipal workers, who, early on, formed a human chain, many invaluable treasures were recovered. Included in these treasures was probably the most important relic, the thorn crown, believed to have been worn by Jesus. The Notre-Dame is a monument that many people treasure, so efforts to raise money for its rebuilding have already begun. In fact, so far, $1 billion has been donated. The French president, Emmanuel Macron, even believes that the building will be restored and ready by 2024, just in time for the Paris Summer Olympics.’’’ Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/4/18/french-president-emmanuel-macron-promises-to-rebuild-fire-ravaged-notre-dame-cathedral
Body Lotion to the Rescue!
Many people know that body lotions help with the dryness of your skin, but not everyone knows the other benefits. First of all, body lotions can make the rough spots on your skin, more smoother. Also, body lotions make you feel better, smell better, and relax better. Furthermore, body lotions allows your skin to glow. Not only that, body lotions supple the areas of rough calluses and help you remove dead skin cells. Today, we should not only recognize the one benefit, but the other four benefits too.
Source: https://www.everydayhealth.com/skin-beauty/7-body-lotion-benefits/
’’’I deleted the “s” in “lotions” because it is unnecessary. I also added an “s” to “help” and changed “dryness of your skin” to “dry skin”. I also changed “knows” to “is aware of”; Many people know that body lotion helps with dry skin, but not everyone is aware of its other benefits.’’’
‘’’You can choose to either write “more smooth” or “smoother” but not both together. I deleted the “s” in “lotions” because it is unnecessary. To avoid second person, I changed “your” to “one’s”; First of all, body lotion can make the rough spots on one’s skin, smoother.’’’
‘’’Again, I deleted the unnecessary “s” and added “can”. I also changed “relax better” to “relax more” and wrote “It” in place of “body lotion”; It can also make you feel better, smell better, and relax more.’’’
‘’’I substituted “furthermore” for “Additionally” and again, removed the “s” in “lotions”. I also changed “your” to “one’s”; Additionally, body lotion allows one’s skin to glow.’’’
‘’’Sija, make sure you understand what each word means and try to avoid just using the same words from the original article; supple is not used correctly here. Also, I deleted “not only that” and wrote “it” instead of “body lotion”; It smooths the areas of rough calluses and helps remove dead skin cells, making the skin supple and soft to the touch.’’’
‘’’Remember to avoid first person and opinions; stick to the facts; Using body lotion is a quick, inexpensive way to pamper oneself and give one’s skin the glow it deserves.’’’
Body Lotion to the Rescue!
Many people know that body lotions help with the dryness of your skin, but not everyone knows the other benefits. First of all, body lotions can make the rough spots on your skin, more smoother. Also, body lotions make you feel better, smell better, and relax better. Furthermore, body lotions allows your skin to glow. Not only that, body lotions supple the areas of rough calluses and help you remove dead skin cells. Today, we should not only recognize the one benefit, but the other four benefits too. Source: https://www.everydayhealth.com/skin-beauty/7-body-lotion-benefits/
‘’’Body Lotion to the Rescue!
Many people know that body lotion helps with dry skin, but not everyone is aware of its other benefits. First of all, body lotion can make the rough spots on one’s skin, smoother. It can also make you feel better, smell better, and relax more. Additionally, body lotion allows one’s skin to glow. It smooths the areas of rough calluses and helps remove dead skin cells, making the skin supple and soft to the touch. Using body lotion is a quick, inexpensive way to pamper oneself and give one’s skin the glow it deserves.’’’ Source: https://www.everydayhealth.com/skin-beauty/7-body-lotion-benefits/
Let's Hope for Success, Marscopter!
NASA, in July 2020, is planning to send a fully-autonomous miniature test helicopter to Mars. They want to get a more clear view of Mars. Although, they sent out other testers, the testers didn't provide a clear, detailed view of Mars. NASA has a great view of the Mar's surface and its orbit;however, they want to get a clear view from the birds-eye view. This tester, marscopter, weighs about four pounds, fitted with two sets of rotor blades, spins 3000 rotations in a minute, light-weighted, and is ten times the speed of a helicopter on Earth. This tester is going to start off with a short and vertical line. Once this test succeed, NASA is preparing for five additional flights. The test in July will hold the future for exploring new views.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/4/5/nasa-plans-to-send-a-helicopter-to-mars-in-2020
‘’’Sija, try to avoid first person statements. I suggest something like, “Fly High, Marscopter”’’’
‘’’I changed the order and placed “NASA” after the specified date. I also changed “is planning” to “plans” so as to change the tense from present to future; In July 2020, NASA plans to send a fully-autonomous miniature test helicopter to Mars.’’’
‘’’Sija, who is “they”? I changed “wants” to “their goal” and “more clear” to “clearer”; The US Space Agency’s goal is to get a clearer view of Mars.’’’
‘’’Again, try to avoid obscure words like “they”; I removed the comma after “although” because it was unnecessary. Because you used “testers” in the first part of the sentence, I changed the second instance to “these” and also changed “didn’t” to “have not”; Although other testers have been sent out, they have not provided a clear, detailed view of Mars.’’’
‘’’Great job using a semicolon. I removed “the” before “Mars” because it was not necessary. I also fixed the apostrophe placement from “Mar’s” to “Mars”. Additionally, I changed “of” to “from”; NASA already has obtained a great view of Mars from the surface and from its orbit; however, they want to obtain a birds-eye view.’’’
‘’’Sija, try to avoid “this” at the beginning of the sentence. I changed it to “The”. Because you specified its weight, I omitted what you wrote about it being light-weighted. I also added a semicolon to divide your ideas and avoid a run-on sentence; The tester, dubbed the Marscopter, weighs about four pounds; it is fitted with two sets of rotor blades, spins 3000 rotations in a minute and is ten times the speed of a helicopter on Earth.’’’
‘’’Sija, I am not sure what you were trying to communicate in this sentence so I took an idea from the original article; Once on Mars, the mini helicopter will begin with a test flight, lasting about 30 seconds.’’’
‘’’I changed “once” to “if” because there is no assurance that the test will succeed. If this test succeeds, five additional flights will occur over the following 30 days.’’’
Let's Hope for Success, Marscopter!
NASA, in July 2020, is planning to send a fully-autonomous miniature test helicopter to Mars. They want to get a more clear view of Mars. Although, they sent out other testers, the testers didn't provide a clear, detailed view of Mars. NASA has a great view of the Mar's surface and its orbit;however, they want to get a clear view from the birds-eye view. This tester, marscopter, weighs about four pounds, fitted with two sets of rotor blades, spins 3000 rotations in a minute, light-weighted, and is ten times the speed of a helicopter on Earth. This tester is going to start off with a short and vertical line. Once this test succeed, NASA is preparing for five additional flights. The test in July will hold the future for exploring new views. Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/4/5/nasa-plans-to-send-a-helicopter-to-mars-in-2020
‘’’Fly High, Marscopter
In July 2020, NASA plans to send a fully-autonomous miniature test helicopter to Mars. The US Space Agency’s goal is to get a clearer view of Mars. Although other testers have been sent out, they have not provided a clear, detailed view of Mars. NASA already has obtained a great view of Mars from the surface and from its orbit; however, they want to obtain a birds-eye view. The tester, dubbed the Marscopter, weighs about four pounds; it is fitted with two sets of rotor blades, spins 3000 rotations in a minute and is ten times the speed of a helicopter on Earth. Once on Mars, the mini helicopter will begin with a test flight, lasting about 30 seconds. If this test succeeds, five additional flights will occur over the following 30 days.’’’ Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/4/5/nasa-plans-to-send-a-helicopter-to-mars-in-2020
Fight the Flu!
Many people suffer from the flu every year. A flu is caused by the influenza virus that causes fever, chills, and tiredness. A flu can be contagious, so in order to reduce the chance of getting a flu, you can wash your hands more often. Furthermore, the highest recorded number of flus was last year, since 2009. Not only that, a flu can be epidemic, so world- wide many people suffer from it. Every year, we all should be ready to fight the flu!
https://www.timeforkids.com/g56/fighting-flu-2/
‘’’Sija, remember to try and focus on positive news :)’’’
’’’I changed “every year” to “each year” and relocated it to the beginning of your sentence. I also changed “many” to “a multitude” because it is a more descriptive word and added “contracting” before “flu”; Each year, a multitude of people suffer from contracting the flu.’’’
‘’’I changed “a” to “the” because we’re talking about one, individual disease. I also changed “that” to “and” because you want your reader to know that the symptoms you are listing, pertain to the flu and not the influenza virus; The flu is caused by the influenza virus and causes fever, chills, and tiredness.’’’
‘’’Again, I changed “a” to “the” because we’re talking about one, individual disease. Moreover, because you started your previous sentence with “the flu”, I am beginning this sentence with “This disease”. Also, the original article states that the flu is contagious so you want to avoid “can be”. I also changed “you” to “individuals” since we should avoid first person; This disease is contagious so, in order to reduce the chance of getting the flu, individuals should wash their hands often.’’’
‘’’I omitted “furthermore” and moved “last year” to the beginning of the sentence; Last year, the highest recorded number of flu cases was reported, since 2009.’’’
‘’’Sija, where did you get this information? Remember to stick the facts obtained from the original article. Because I was unsure of your information’s accuracy, I wrote a new sentence, based on what I read in the original article; In the United States alone, over 6 million people have contracted the flu, this season.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to avoid opinions, as well as writing in first person; Individuals can prepare themselves by getting a flu shot, to reduce the risk of contracting this pesky disease.’’’
Fight the Flu!
Many people suffer from the flu every year. A flu is caused by the influenza virus that causes fever, chills, and tiredness. A flu can be contagious, so in order to reduce the chance of getting a flu, you can wash your hands more often. Furthermore, the highest recorded number of flus was last year, since 2009. Not only that, a flu can be epidemic, so world- wide many people suffer from it. Every year, we all should be ready to fight the flu! https://www.timeforkids.com/g56/fighting-flu-2/
‘’’Fight the Flu
Each year, a multitude of people suffer from contracting the flu. The flu is caused by the influenza virus and causes fever, chills, and tiredness. This disease is contagious so, in order to reduce the chance of getting the flu, individuals should wash their hands often. Last year, the highest recorded number of flu cases was reported, since 2009. In the United States alone, over 6 million people have contracted the flu, this season. Individuals can prepare themselves by getting a flu shot, to reduce the risk of contracting this pesky disease.’’’ Source: https://www.timeforkids.com/g56/fighting-flu-2/
International Day of Happiness
The day of happiness is annually celebrated on March 20 to remember how vital happiness is in our lives. This day was established by the United Nations, after Bhutan, a country in Southern Asia, suggested the idea of this holiday. This year was celebrated to focus on our similarities rather than differences. Not only that, on this day, you can do several activities such as the happy acts (when you make someone smile by doing something), and write and do things that make you happy. Therefore, every year on March 20, you should make someone smile, be happy, and feel appreciated.
https://www.dogonews.com/2019/3/20/international-day-of-happiness-celebrates-togetherness
‘’’Good job on your headline! I would just add “The” to the beginning.’’’
‘’’Awesome job with this sentence! I added “international” in order to provide more context. Remember to try to avoid first person. I deleted “in our lives” to make it objective and I changed “remember” to “remind people”; The international day of happiness is annually celebrated on March 20 to remind people how vital happiness is.’’’
‘’’Another wonderful sentence! I changed “day to “holiday” and changed your last use of “holiday” to “a day dedicated to happiness”; This holiday was established by the United Nations after Bhutan, a country in Southern Asia, suggested the idea of a day dedicated to happiness.’’’
‘’’I added the word “theme” so that your reader can have a clearer picture and changed “rather” to “as opposed to”; This year’s theme celebrated and focused on people’s similarities, as opposed to their differences.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to avoid first person in your writing. I omitted “not only that” because it was unnecessary and just added wordiness. I added “all throughout the month” because the original article states that the happy acts take place all month long. I changed “you” to “individuals”, changed “do” to “partake in” and added “to commemorate the holiday”; On this day and all throughout the month, individuals can partake in several activities to commemorate the holiday, such as the happy acts: challenges that focus on making the individual and those around him or her, smile.’’’
‘’’Sija, please remember to try and avoid writing in first person. Though March 20 is the day that is dedicated to celebrating happiness, everyone should always strive to make others smile, be happy, and feel appreciated.’’’
International Day of Happiness
The day of happiness is annually celebrated on March 20 to remember how vital happiness is in our lives. This day was established by the United Nations, after Bhutan, a country in Southern Asia, suggested the idea of this holiday. This year was celebrated to focus on our similarities rather than differences. Not only that, on this day, you can do several activities such as the happy acts (when you make someone smile by doing something) and write and do things that make you happy. Therefore, every year on March 20, you should make someone smile, be happy, and feel appreciated. Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/3/20/international-day-of-happiness-celebrates-togetherness
‘’’The International Day of Happiness
The international day of happiness is annually celebrated on March 20 to remind people how vital happiness is. This holiday was established by the United Nations after Bhutan, a country in Southern Asia, suggested the idea of a day dedicated to happiness. This year’s theme celebrated and focused on people’s similarities, as opposed to their differences. On this day and all throughout the month, individuals can partake in several activities to commemorate the holiday, such as the happy acts: challenges that focus on making the individual and those around him or her, smile. Though March 20 is the day that is dedicated to celebrating happiness, everyone should always strive to make others smile, be happy and feel appreciated.’’’ Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/3/20/international-day-of-happiness-celebrates-togetherness
Flying Bulldog
The world’s largest bee was found in Indonesia. This bee looks like a black wasp with immense jaws. Also, this bee has a wingspan of two and a half inches. Scientists who were working on to find this bee, were in dispair by the fifth day. However, a scientist caught eye of a mound. This mound was moist and sticky and inside this mound was the big bee. Scientists were amazed by the scene, more specifically the sight of the bee and the sound it was making when it flew. These scientists want to work with Indonesian scientists in the future after what they seen. In conclusion, future research can bring us fascinating facts.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/3/3/worlds-largest-bee-rediscovered-in-indonesia-after-38-years
‘’’Your headline was very creative. I would add a little more context. For example, "Wallace's Giant Bee: The Flying Bulldog”’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to carefully read your article. The article says that the bee was rediscovered, so I changed “found” to “rediscovered” and added “recently”; The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia.’’’
‘’’Remember to provide sources, so that the reader knows the information is credible; According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws.’’’
‘’’I changed “Also” to “Additionally” and added “approximately”; Additionally, this bee has a wingspan of approximately two and a half inches.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to check your spelling; “dispair” is written incorrectly. Also, remember to give the proper context. In January 2019, a group of scientists, composed of two Americans and two Australians, spent five days trekking forests in Indonesia, in search of the bee.’’’
‘’’I combined your two sentences, which had similar ideas, into one; It was in what he thought was a termite mound, that one of the scientists discovered the giant bee’s nest.’’’
‘’’Great job with this sentence. I changed “Scientists” to “The group” and I changed “it was making when it flew” to “it made as it flew by”; The group was amazed by scene, more specifically by the sight of the bee and the sound it made as it flew by.’’’
‘’’I added “who rediscovered the bee” to clarify which scientist you were talking about. I also added “in order to find other specimens” so that the reader has more context; The scientists who rediscovered the bee hope to work with Indonesian scientists in the future, in order to find other specimens.’’’
‘’’Sija, try to avoid writing “in conclusion”. Additionally, remember to stick to facts and avoid opinions; There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee.’’’
Flying Bulldog
The world’s largest bee was found in Indonesia. This bee looks like a black wasp with immense jaws. Also, this bee has a wingspan of two and a half inches. Scientists who were working on to find this bee, were in dispair by the fifth day. However, a scientist caught eye of a mound. This mound was moist and sticky and inside this mound was the big bee. Scientists were amazed by the scene, more specifically the sight of the bee and the sound it was making when it flew. These scientists want to work with Indonesian scientists in the future after what they seen. In conclusion, future research can bring us fascinating facts. Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/3/3/worlds-largest-bee-rediscovered-in-indonesia-after-38-years
‘’’Wallace's Giant Bee: The Flying Bulldog
The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia. According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws. Additionally, this bee has a wingspan of approximately two and a half inches. In January 2019, a group of scientists, composed of two Americans and two Australians, spent five days trekking forests in Indonesia, in search of the bee. It was in what he thought was a termite mound, that one of the scientists discovered the giant bee’s nest. The group was amazed by scene, more specifically by the sight of the bee and the sound it made as it flew by. The scientists who rediscovered the bee hope to work with Indonesian scientists in the future, in order to find other specimens. There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee.’’’ Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/3/3/worlds-largest-bee-rediscovered-in-indonesia-after-38-years
———
Intelligence VS. Critical Thinking
Critical thinking is better than intelligence. When you use critical thinking, you think rationally. However, when you use intelligence, you memorize the facts. Also, intelligence would not be a life skill in the future, meaning it would not benefit or harm you. Not only that, intelligent people tend to forget more exams, tests, homework, and etc. Therefore, people who say intelligent people are better than critical thinkers, they should rethink that statement.
Source: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-smart-people-do-foolish-things/
‘’’Sija, remember to avoid opinions and add credible sources. You are writing this according to who? Critical thinking and intelligence are similar concepts but have widely different distinctions.’’’
‘’’Great job with the sentence but remember to avoid writing in first person; When a person uses critical thinking, one thinks rationally.’’’
‘’’Again, remember to avoid writing in first person; However, when using intelligence, one can memorize the facts.’’’
‘’’Sija, I am not sure where you got this information from, so I subbed in another idea from the original article; On one hand, critical thinking has been associated with wellness and longevity.’’’
‘’’Sija, please make sure to carefully read the original article. In the article, it says that intelligent people actually get better grades and do better in school. On the other hand, people who are considered intelligent, tend to get better grades and do better in school.’’’
‘’’Remember to stick to writing facts and avoid opinions. Additionally, the “they” in your original sentence was unnecessary. Some people fall under the category of critical thinkers, while others lean more towards intelligence, but both have significant benefits that should be taken into consideration.’’’
Intelligence VS. Critical Thinking Critical thinking is better than intelligence. When you use critical thinking, you think rationally. However, when you use intelligence, you memorize the facts. Also, intelligence would not be a life skill in the future, meaning it would not benefit or harm you. Not only that, intelligent people tend to forget more exams, tests, homework, and etc. Therefore, people who say intelligent people are better than critical thinkers, they should rethink that statement.
‘’’Intelligence VS. Critical Thinking
Critical thinking and intelligence are similar concepts but have widely different distinctions. When a person uses critical thinking, one thinks rationally. However, when using intelligence, one can memorize the facts. On one hand, critical thinking has been associated with wellness and longevity. On the other hand, people who are considered intelligent, tend to get better grades and do better in school. Some people fall under the category of critical thinkers, while others lean more towards intelligence, but both have significant benefits that should be taken into consideration.’’’
Source: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-do-smart-people-do-foolish-things/
What Is Up With R-Kelly?
R-Kelly, a famous R&B singer, is charged for sexual abuse with underage women. This happened for at least two decades, but R-Kelly did not admit the fact. Evidence such as videos and words from the young women brought R-Kelly to charge. One video in particular showed a 14-year-old getting sexually abused by R-Kelly. R-Kelly has brought a big disappointment to the world, and so we hope he learns his mistakes and never do that again.
‘’’Sija, from my understanding, you should try to stick to writing about positive news’’’
‘’’Your headline should give the reader an idea of what your article will be about. You might try something like “R-Kelly Faces Sexual Abuse Charges, Yet Again”’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to write in past tense. I changed “is” to “was”. I also switched “with” for “against” because it better describes the gravity of the situation; R-Kelly, a famous R&B singer, was charged with sexual abuse against three underage women.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember that you cannot say that something happened, with certainty, unless definitive proof has been provided; Allegations against Kelly have been brought up for at least two decades, but R-Kelly has never admitted to the accusations.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember the original article only talks about one video. I reworded your sentence for clarity but kept your original idea; Evidence against R-Kelly that has been brought to light include a graphic video and testimonies from the young women who claim assault.’’’
‘’’I changed “showed for “depicted” and added “girl” after “14-year-old”; The video depicted a 14-year-old girl being sexually abused by R-Kelly.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to avoid writing opinions; stick to the facts. Also, remember to avoid writing in first person; R-Kelly faces yet another day in court against these new accusations, but only time will tell if he learns from his alleged mistakes.’’’
What Is Up With R-Kelly?
R-Kelly, a famous R&B singer, is charged for sexual abuse with underage women. This happened for at least two decades, but R-Kelly did not admit the fact. Evidence such as videos and words from the young women brought R-Kelly to charge. One video in particular showed a 14-year-old getting sexually abused by R-Kelly. R-Kelly has brought a big disappointment to the world, and so we hope he learns his mistakes and never do that again. Source: https://www-m.cnn.com/2019/02/22/entertainment/r-kelly-indictment/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cnn.com%2Farticles
R-Kelly Faces Sexual Abuse Charges, Yet Again
‘’’R-Kelly, a famous R&B singer, was charged with sexual abuse against three underage women. Allegations against Kelly have been brought up for at least two decades, but R-Kelly has never admitted to the accusations. Evidence against R-Kelly that has been brought to light include a graphic video and testimonies from the young women who claim assault. The video depicted a 14-year-old girl being sexually abused by R-Kelly. R-Kelly faces yet another day in court against these new accusations, but only time will tell if he learns from his alleged mistakes. Source: https://www-m.cnn.com/2019/02/22/entertainment/r-kelly-indictment/index.html?r=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cnn.com%2Farticles’’’
Protest in Israel.
Continuous disagreements and boycott led to death and suffering. Starting from March 30th, protestors,in Gaza, wanted the 12-year blockade of the coastal strip to evanesce. Due to the protesting, two Palestinian teens were dead. The incident happened neae Israeli fence, east of the Gaza Strip. Hasan Shalabi, 14-year-old, was shot on the chest and Hamza Shteiwi, 18-year-old, was shot on the neck. There are extreme protesters who go beyond the line.
‘’’Sija, remember to focus on positive news’’’
‘’’Your headline is a bit vague. You could try something jarring to grab the reader’s attention, like “Add Two More to the Death Count”’’’
’’’Sija, try to start your article off by giving plenty of information, so as to captivate your reader. I changed “boycotts” to “protests” and added “two Palestinian youths near Gaza” to give the reader more information; Continuous disagreements and protests led to the death of two Palestinian youths near Gaza.’’’
‘’’Sija, make sure you are carefully reading the original article and that you fully understand it, before writing your sentences; For nearly a year, Palestinian protesters have gathered weekly near the Israeli fence.’’’
‘’’Make sure to check your spelling; I assume you were trying to write “near” when you wrote “neae”. This is where this most recent incident happened, east of the Gaza Strip.’’’
‘’’I reorganized your words, in order to provide clarity, but I kept your original idea which was great! One of the youths killed was Hasan Shalabi, who was only 14-years-old; the other was Hamza Shteiwi, who was 18. They were killed by gunshot wounds to the chest and neck, respectively.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to try to avoid your opinion and just focus on the facts; Israel claims to only be protecting its borders, but this supposed protecting has resulted in at least 248 Palestinians deaths.’’’
Protest in Israel
Continuous disagreements and boycott led to death and suffering. Starting from March 30th, protestors,in Gaza, wanted the 12-year blockade of the coastal strip to evanesce. Due to the protesting, two Palestinian teens were dead. The incident happened neae Israeli fence, east of the Gaza Strip. Hasan Shalabi, 14-year-old, was shot on the chest and Hamza Shteiwi, 18-year-old, was shot on the neck. There are extreme protesters who go beyond the line. Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.aljazeera.com/amp/news/2019/02/palestinian-teens-killed-israeli-forces-gaza-190208165449433.html
‘’’Add Two More to the Death Count
Continuous disagreements and protests led to the death of two Palestinian youths near Gaza. For nearly a year, Palestinian protesters have gathered weekly near the Israeli fence. This is where this most recent incident happened, east of the Gaza Strip. One of the youths killed was Hasan Shalabi, who was only 14-years-old; the other was Hamza Shteiwi, who was 18. They were killed by gunshot wounds to the chest and neck, respectively. Israel claims to only be protecting its borders, but this supposed protecting has resulted in at least 248 Palestinians deaths.’’’ Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.aljazeera.com/amp/news/2019/02/palestinian-teens-killed-israeli-forces-gaza-190208165449433.html
Once LOST, but now FOUND.
Many parents worry about their children getting lost, hurt, or kidnapped. Two parents in Tennessee experienced the feeling, worriness, for two weeks. The two parents’ daughter, a 14-year-old teenager, was missing for two weeks. The public opens up that the 14-year-old was most likely raped by her adoptive father. The teenager was found in Wisconsin and the father was charged for rape. As teenagers, we should all be careful of all our surroundings to not have incidents like this.
Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna965801
Great job with the headline, but I recommend you only capitalize the first letters of each word: Once Lost, but Now Found
Sija, remember that news is not about opinions. Also, try to avoid the word “many” because it is too ambiguous; Parents often worry about their children getting lost, hurt, or kidnapped.
Make sure to review your spelling; I changed “worriness” to “feelings of worry” and reworded the sentence to allow it to flow better; This became a reality for a couple in Tennessee, who experienced the feelings of worry and helplessness, for weeks.
Writing “two parents” was not necessary because if you write “parents” it is understood that there are two of them. I changed “parents” to “couple” because I believe it fit better with the sentence. I also clarified that the girl was missing for over two weeks; The couple’s daughter, a 14-year-old teenager, went missing for over two weeks.
Sija, make sure to carefully read the original article. It is not correct to say that the “public” opened up about anything, because the public is usually told the story; it does not tell the story; Though not yet confirmed, it is speculated that the girl was most likely raped by her adoptive father.
I added a bit more detail by specifying how far away the girl was found; The teenager was found in Wisconsin, about 700 miles away from her home, and the adoptive father was charged with rape.
Sija, remember that news articles are not about the writer’s opinions so you should avoid these types of conclusion sentences. Also, remember to avoid first person whenever possible. I changed the sentence to one that added more information about the case; According to Monroe County Sheriff's Office records, the adoptive father is being held without bond.
Once LOST, but now FOUND.
Many parents worry about their children getting lost, hurt, or kidnapped. Two parents in Tennessee experienced the feeling, worriness, for two weeks. The two parents’ daughter, a 14-year-old teenager, was missing for two weeks. The public opens up that the 14-year-old was most likely raped by her adoptive father. The teenager was found in Wisconsin and the father was charged for rape. As teenagers, we should all be careful of all our surroundings to not have incidents like this. Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna965801
Once Lost, but Now Found.
Parents often worry about their children getting lost, hurt, or kidnapped. This became a reality for a couple in Tennessee, who experienced the feelings of worry and helplessness, for weeks. The couple’s daughter, a 14-year-old teenager, went missing for over two weeks. Though not yet confirmed, it is speculated that the girl was most likely raped by her adoptive father. The teenager was found in Wisconsin, about 700 miles away from her home, and the adoptive father was charged with rape. According to Monroe County Sheriff's Office records, the adoptive father is being held without bond. Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna965801
——-
Link titleAnswer to an unanswered question for decades:
Many people have been pondering for decades about how long a day is on Saturn. The Astrophysical Journal answered, 10 hours, 33 minutes, and 38 seconds. The time for how long it takes to rotate, is a fundamental property because it tells us about Saturn’s gravitational field and internal structure. Saturn has the hardest rotation to measure because of the tilted magnetic fields that wobble Saturn to rotate. Furthermore, Saturn’s rings and waves tell us how long a day is on Saturn. These waves are caused by oscillations of materials deep within Saturn’s enigmatic interior. To measure these waves, experts used a bespoke numerical model. With the help of highly intelligent experts and highly made tools, experts were able to answer an unsolved question.
Headline is good, but clarity is needed. An example might be: Answer found to a decades-old question
I reworded this sentence but kept your original idea which was great; For decades, many people had been inquiring about the length of a day on Saturn.
Again, I reworded this sentence but kept your original idea which was great; The Astrophysical Journal produced an answer, observing that a day on Saturn lasts 10 hours, 33 minutes and 38 seconds.
I omitted the “how” because it was not necessary; The time it takes for Saturn to rotate is a fundamental property because it tells us about the planet’s gravitational field and internal structure.
“Saturn has the hardest rotation to measure because of the tilted magnetic fields that wobble Saturn to rotate.” Sija, after reading the original article, I found that this statement about the “tilted magnetic fields that wobble” was not, in fact, referring to Saturn so I am omitting it. Make sure to read very carefully; The rotation of this planet is the only one that is hard to measure.
I changed “furthermore” to “however” because “furthermore” should be used when playing off the same idea of a previous sentence; in this case, the idea changes; However, it is Saturn’s rings and waves that tell us how long a day is on the planet.
Sija, this sentence is good, but it is almost the exact same sentence from the original article; be careful to not plagiarize; The waves can be caused orbiting moons which tug at the planet’s rings and by oscillations of materials deep within Saturn’s enigmatic interior.
I clarified that a team had to create this model for the specific purpose of measuring; To measure these waves, a team created a bespoke numerical model.
I added "group" and changed "expertly" for "skillfully" but you had the idea! With the help of a highly intelligent group of individuals and skillfully-made tools, experts were able to find an answer to an unsolved question.
Answer to an unanswered question for decades:
Many people have been pondering for decades about how long a day is on Saturn. The Astrophysical Journal answered, 10 hours, 33 minutes, and 38 seconds. The time for how long it takes to rotate, is a fundamental property because it tells us about Saturn’s gravitational field and internal structure. Saturn has the hardest rotation to measure because of the tilted magnetic fields that wobble Saturn to rotate. Furthermore, Saturn’s rings and waves tell us how long a day is on Saturn. These waves are caused by oscillations of materials deep within Saturn’s enigmatic interior. To measure these waves, experts used a bespoke numerical model. With the help of highly intelligent experts and highly made tools, experts were able to answer an unsolved question.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2019/01/how-long-is-day-on-saturn-astronomers-just-found-out/
Answer found to a decades-old question
For decades, many people had been inquiring about the length of a day on Saturn. The Astrophysical Journal produced an answer, observing that a day on Saturn lasts 10 hours, 33 minutes and 38 seconds. The time it takes for Saturn to rotate is a fundamental property because it tells us about the planet’s gravitational field and internal structure. The rotation of this planet is the only one that is hard to measure. However, it is Saturn’s rings and waves that tell us how long a day is on the planet. The waves can be caused orbiting moons which tug at the planet’s rings and by oscillations of materials deep within Saturn’s enigmatic interior. To measure these waves, a team created a bespoke numerical model. With the help of a highly intelligent group of individuals and skillfully-made tools, experts were able to find an answer to an unsolved question.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2019/01/how-long-is-day-on-saturn-astronomers-just-found-out/
Dear Editor,
What do you mean by “for more clarity?”
"for more clarity" means that I reorganized the order of the words or I switched a word out for a synonym so that the reader could follow along more easily and better understand the point of the sentence.
Obesity is a huge problem in America. Citizens make a statement about obesity, they say it is harder to lose weight, after you gained weight. A woman, living in Texas, say it is harder for her to diet because she will gain more weight after. Not only that, she states that people with more weight have better blood pressure and cholesterol. However, people who are skinny have a non- average blood pressure and are weak because they force themselves to lose weight. Still today, obesity is being researched and answered.
Source: www.applenews.com
Headline is missing. An example for a headline might be "A Heavy Issue in America"
Within the topic sentence, write the main idea of the article, but you did not write the main idea, you just wrote an idea: Obesity is a huge problem in America. Sija, what is this the main point of the article? I changed the word "huge" to "tremendous" because it conveys a more neutral tone; Obesity is a tremendous problem in America.
"Citizens make a statement about obesity" The grammar in this sentence is wrong. Citizens can not make 1 statement if there are many statements. "Citizens" make many statements, or "A citizen makes a statement..." In this case I think you should write:
Citizens across America are stating their opinions, both negative and positive, on obesity and weight loss.
Sija, what gives the woman in Texas the right to be the authority on obesity. I know that your article is about opinions, but news is not really about opinions, it's about events that happen that are "news worthy". Also, because you are talking about one single woman, the word "say" should be changed to "says" and the word "living" can be omitted; A woman in Texas says it is harder for her to diet because she will gain more weight after.
I changed "not only that" to "additionally"; Also, the woman states that people with more weight have better blood pressure and cholesterol.
Sija, where is this coming from? "However, people who are skinny have a non- average blood pressure and are weak because they force themselves to lose weight." Who is the authority on this? Additionally, I changed "skinny" to "thinner" and "non-average" to "unstable" for clarity; However, people who are thinner have lower blood pressure and are weak because they force themselves to lose weight.
I changed "still" to "even" and added on "answers are being sought" to provide more clarity; Still today, obesity is being researched and answers are being sought.
You must copy and paste the exact URL from the website where the article is located to compare what you wrote with the original authors.
A Heavy Issue in America
Obesity is a huge problem in America. Citizens make a statement about obesity, they say it is harder to lose weight, after you gained weight. A woman, living in Texas, say it is harder for her to diet because she will gain more weight after. Not only that, she states that people with more weight have better blood pressure and cholesterol. However, people who are skinny have a non- average blood pressure and are weak because they force themselves to lose weight. Still today, obesity is being researched and answered.
www.applenews.com
A Heavy Issue in America
Obesity is a tremendous problem in America. Citizens across America are stating their opinions, both negative and positive, on obesity and weight loss. A woman in Texas says it is harder for her to diet because she will gain more weight after. Additionally, she states that people with more weight have better blood pressure and cholesterol. However, people who are thinner have unstable blood pressure and are weak because they force themselves to lose weight. Even today, obesity is being researched and answers are being sought.
www.applenews.com
——-
Surgeons are looking for the cause of a 9 year old girl’s epilepsy. For weeks, she has been suffering from a blank mind and lips twitching. She took an MRI, CTI and turned out to be fine. Soon, surgeons found out that she was suffering from E.P.C, which affects only one part of your body. All in all, she needed to have a brain surgery to remove part of the brain that distracts her from her daily practice.
Source: www.nytimes.com
Headline is missing. An example for a headline might be “Brainstorming for a Cause”
Sija, you wrote “surgeons are looking” in the first sentence, but then wrote “surgeons found out” in the fourth sentence, which results in a contradiction. Where are these surgeons from? Also, remember that when writing age, you must include hyphens; Surgeons searched and established the cause of a 9-year-old girl’s epilepsy.
Since the cause has already been discovered, make sure to write in past tense. I also switched “twitching” and “lips” for clarity; For weeks, she had been suffering from a blank mind and twitching lips.
I changed “took” to “was administered” to better describe the situation. She was administered an MRI and a CTI, which came back fine.
Sija, you might want to explain what E.P.C. is, for those who don’t know. Additionally, I changed “soon” to “later”. Did you mean to write “body” or “brain” at the end of the sentence? Surgeons later found out that the girl was suffering from E.P.C. (Epilepsia Partialis Continua), which affects only one part of your body.
I changed “all in all” to “ultimately”. Again, remember to write in the past tense. Ultimately, the girl needed to have brain surgery to remove the part of the brain that distracted her from her daily practices.
You must copy and paste the exact URL from the website where the article is located to compare what you wrote with the original authors.
Brainstorming for a Cause
Surgeons are looking for the cause of a 9 year old girl’s epilepsy. For weeks, she has been suffering from a blank mind and lips twitching. She took an MRI, CTI and turned out to be fine. Soon, surgeons found out that she was suffering from E.P.C, which affects only one part of your body. All in all, she needed to have a brain surgery to remove part of the brain that distracts her from her daily practice.
Brainstorming for a Cause
Surgeons searched for and established the cause of a 9-year-old girl’s epilepsy. For weeks, she had been suffering from a blank mind and twitching lips. She was administered an MRI and a CTI, which came back fine. Surgeons later found out that the girl was suffering from E.P.C. (Epilepsia Partialis Continua), which affects only one part of your body. Ultimately, the girl needed to have brain surgery to remove the part of the brain that distracted her from her daily practices.
Pearl Harbor:
(br)December 7, the annual recognization of World War II, being considered today. Pearl Harbor located in Hawaii recalls World War II. The Japanese wanted to fight United States, but failed. This insident occurred in 1939, when the Japanese told Americans that if they don’t give them a deal; a war will happen. President Roosevelt didn’t make the deal, so the Japanese started the war. Today, we consider the effects that happened in the U.S.
Source:https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/2018/12/pearl-harbor-maps--atlas-of-WWII/
——-
Headline is a bit vague; a better example might be “A Day to Remember the Bombing of Pearl Harbor”
Sija, Dec. 7 recognizes the Pearl Harbor bombing, specifically, so I included that event in the sentence. Also, be careful with the spelling of words; I think the word you were looking for was “recognition,” but I think “memorial” fit better in the sentence. Additionally, according to AP style writing, if certain months are mentioned with specific dates, the months can be abbreviated which is why I abbreviated December; Dec. 7 serves as the annual memorial of the Pearl Harbor bombing that occurred during World War II.
Remember to place your commas. I changed “recalls” to “serves as a visual reminder to add a bit more depth; Pearl Harbor, located in Hawaii, serves as a visual reminder of World War II.
I reworded this sentence but kept your original idea which was great; During the war, the Japanese fought against the United States but were ultimately defeated.
Be careful with spelling; the correct spelling is “incident”. Also, a comma should have gone where you placed the semicolon. Additionally, remember to use past tense when talking about an event that already occurred; The aforementioned incident occurred in 1939, when the Japanese expressed that unless a deal was made, a war would occur.
Remember that in professional writing, one should avoid using contractions. I changed “didn’t” to “refused” and “started” to “initiated”; President Roosevelt refused to make a deal, which led the Japanese to initiate the war.
Today, we consider the effects that happened in the U.S.
Pearl Harbor:
(br)December 7, the annual recognization of World War II, being considered today. Pearl Harbor located in Hawaii recalls World War II. The Japanese wanted to fight United States, but failed. This insident occurred in 1939, when the Japanese told Americans that if they don’t give them a deal; a war will happen. President Roosevelt didn’t make the deal, so the Japanese started the war. Today, we consider the effects that happened in the U.S. Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/2018/12/pearl-harbor-maps--atlas-of-WWII/
A Day to Remember the Bombing of Pearl Harbor
Dec. 7 serves as the annual memorial of the Pearl Harbor bombing that occurred during World War II. Pearl Harbor, located in Hawaii, serves as a visual reminder of the war. During World War II, the Japanese fought against the United States but were ultimately defeated. The aforementioned incident occurred in 1939, when the Japanese expressed that unless a deal was made, a war would occur. President Roosevelt refused to make a deal, which led the Japanese to initiate the war. Today, we consider the effects that happened in the U.S. Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/2018/12/pearl-harbor-maps--atlas-of-WWII/
The way school buses are made have a long history. First of all, it is a law that school buses should be yellow because of its clearness. Also, it allows you to see in the peripheral vision. A peripheral vision is seeing with the corners of your eyes by not tilting your neck. Not only that, yellow helps you see in the dark or on a bad weather day. Therefore, the buses are yellow today. www.readtheory.com
Headline is missing; a good example might be, “You Had Me at Yellow” (a play on words for “you had me at hello”)
The word “extensive” is a synonym for “long” but is a bit more descriptive. I also reorganized the order of the sentence so that it reads a bit easier; There is an extensive history behind the making of school busses.
Sija, I am not sure what you meant by “clearness” so I took the liberty of rephrasing the sentence; By law, school busses are required to be yellow because of how the color calls attention.
Because I am going off the idea in previous sentence, I am starting the next sentence by giving an example; For instance, yellow is easily visible in one’s peripheral vision.
Defining “peripheral vision” was a great idea; I just changed the sentence so that it was not in second person, since we usually try to avoid that; Peripheral vision allows one to see from the outside corner of your eyes without having to tilt one’s head.
I changed “not only that to “additionally” because it is a bit more concise and again, I changed the sentence so that it is not in second person; Additionally, yellow is more visible in the dark or in bad weather.
The last sentence should be a conclusion of the previous sentences; It is for these reasons that, still today, school busses are yellow.
You must copy and paste the exact URL from the website where the article is located to compare what you wrote with the original authors.
You Had Me at Yellow
The way school buses are made have a long history. First of all, it is a law that school buses should be yellow because of its clearness. Also, it allows you to see in the peripheral vision. A peripheral vision is seeing with the corners of your eyes by not tilting your neck. Not only that, yellow helps you see in the dark or on a bad weather day. Therefore, the buses are yellow today.
You Had Me at Yellow
There is an extensive history behind the making of school buses. By law, school buses are required to be yellow because of how the color calls attention. For instance, yellow is easily visible in one’s peripheral vision. Peripheral vision allows one to see from the outside corner of your eyes without having to tilt one’s head. Additionally, yellow is more visible in the dark or in bad weather. It is for these reasons that, still today, school buses are yellow. Source:
Recently, in China, people found an unusual looking creature. This creature looks odd because it has a bird looking head and a fish looking body. Furthermore, the creature has fins that looks like wings and a mouth that looks like a beak. To know about this creature more, an animal physiologist thinks the creature looks as it is because of a defective cell growth, or a harmful chemical might have deformed it. Another physiologist said it looks healthy, but might have hard time breathing and feeding. Many people are still studying this fish thoroughly to get accurate information about this creature.
www.goodtoknow.com/main page
Headline is missing. A good example might be, “A Fishy Matter”
I changed the order of your words so that the sentence would flow better; An unusual looking creature was recently found by some people in China.
Sija, when you say “this creature looks odd, because…,” it gives the reader the impression that you have seen the creature with your own eyes. For this reason, I changed the sentence and added “was described”; The odd-looking creature is described as having a head like a bird and a body like a fish.
Because you had already used “look like” once, I wrote beak-like” to avoid repetition; Furthermore, the creature is said to have fins that look like wings and a beak-like mouth.
Sija, who is this physiologist? Having his/her name would give credibility to what you are saying. I also changed “as it is” to “like it does”; One animal physiologist thinks that the creature looks like it does, because of defective cell growth, or because a harmful chemical may have deformed it.
Again, having names is important for credibility. I also changed “hard time” to “difficulty”; Another physiologist said that it looks healthy but may have difficulty breathing and feeding.
Sija, do we know for a fact that it is classified as a fish? People are still thoroughly studying the strange creature in order to get more accurate information about it.
You must copy and paste the exact URL from the website where the article is located to compare what you wrote with the original authors.
A Fishy Matter
Recently, in China, people found an unusual looking creature. This creature looks odd because it has a bird looking head and a fish looking body. Furthermore, the creature has fins that looks like wings and a mouth that looks like a beak. To know about this creature more, an animal physiologist thinks the creature looks as it is because of a defective cell growth, or a harmful chemical might have deformed it. Another physiologist said it looks healthy, but might have hard time breathing and feeding. Many people are still studying this fish thoroughly to get accurate information about this creature.
A Fishy Matter
An unusual looking creature was recently found by some people in China. The odd-looking creature is described as having a head like a bird and a body like a fish. Furthermore, the creature is said to have fins that look like wings and a beak-like mouth. One animal physiologist thinks that the creature looks like it does, because of defective cell growth or because a harmful chemical may have deformed it. Another physiologist said that it looks healthy but may have difficulty breathing and feeding. People are still thoroughly studying the strange creature in order to get more accurate information about it. Source:
Domino's, the pizza store, is thinking many ways to get an increase in sales. They fabricated a robot, that allowed any customers to ask what they want. Also, they had their own app called, Tummy Translator, and which offered food recommendations. Not only that, Domino’s is trying to dispense gift cards, that are worth $5000, to people who got chosen in the lottery. They had a robot, app, and prize to get attention from a lot of people. These days, Domino’s is drawing their logos on the streets. Domino’s is a money hunger pizza store.
https://www.dogonews.com/2018/6/27/dominos-is-funding-road-repairs-to-protect-your-pizza
‘’’Your headline is missing. You might want to try something like, “Paving a Way to Pizza”’’’
‘’’I switched the word “get” for “achieve” because it adds more depth. I also clarified that Dominos is a pizza restaurant chain, not just one store; Domino's, the pizza restaurant chain, has come up with yet another way to achieve an increase in sales.’’’
‘’’Great idea with this sentence; I added “by typing a single pizza emoji on Twitter” so that the reader could have more context; In the past, they fabricated a delivery robot, that allowed customers to order, by typing a single pizza emoji on Twitter.’’’
‘’’I changed “Also” to “Additionally” and “had” to “launched”; Additionally, Dominos launched an app, called Tummy Translator, which offers food recommendations.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to provide the proper context. I added that this is their newest campaign. I also added the number of towns that the campaign will hit; Their latest campaign consists of distributing gift cards, that are worth $5,000, towards street repairs in 20 towns across the country.’’’
‘’’I omitted your sentence, because you were just reciprocating or restating what you had already said. I added an important idea from the original article; Even though the selected town’s local public works officials choose specifically what areas the funds go to, there are certain conditions that must be followed.’’’
‘’’I liked your idea, but I wanted to elaborate, so I added the fact that “Oh Yes We Did” must be written on the roads. One important condition is that, wherever the sponsored work is done, there must be a portion of road that reads “Oh Yes We Did”, which is Domino’s logo.’’’
‘’’I omitted your last sentence, because it was an opinion sentence and was therefore, unnecessary.’’’
Domino's, the pizza store, is thinking many ways to get an increase in sales. They fabricated a robot, that allowed any customers to ask what they want. Also, they had their own app called, Tummy Translator, and which offered food recommendations. Not only that, Domino’s is trying to dispense gift cards, that are worth $5000, to people who got chosen in the lottery. They had a robot, app, and prize to get attention from a lot of people. These days, Domino’s is drawing their logos on the streets. Domino’s is a money hunger pizza store.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2018/6/27/dominos-is-funding-road-repairs-to-protect-your-pizza
‘’’Paving a Way to Pizza
Domino's, the pizza restaurant chain, has come up with yet another way to achieve an increase in sales. In the past, they fabricated a delivery robot, that allowed customers to order, by typing a single pizza emoji on Twitter. Additionally, Dominos launched an app, called Tummy Translator, which offers food recommendations. Their latest campaign consists of distributing gift cards, that are worth $5,000, towards street repairs in 20 towns across the country. Even though the selected town’s local public works officials choose specifically what areas the funds go to, there are certain conditions that must be followed. One important condition is that, wherever the sponsored work is done, there must be a portion of road that reads “Oh Yes We Did”, which is Domino’s logo.’’’ Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2018/6/27/dominos-is-funding-road-repairs-to-protect-your-pizza
To be great leaders in life they have to be confident in themselves, connected to the group members, and committed to the purpose. Leaders have a big role in their group, which is showing them assurance. If the leader is confident, assured, and connected, it could be clear that this group would succeed. Furthermore, if you are the leader and you don't have confidence, it would show that you will betray your own needs to please your group members. Not only that, Brad, a worker, was assigned to be the leader, but he was in having confidence in himself, so he wanted to resign. However, knowing what his weakness was his friend helped him build up more confidence. To conclude, leaders will succeed if they be confident, connected, and committed to the purpose.
https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/11/people-become-leaders-by-responding-effectively-to-challenges-author.
‘’’Your headline is missing. You might want to try something like: “Follow the Leader”’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to give your reader context; who is “they”? I changed the subject from plural to singular by removing the “s”. Also, I subbed in “one” for “they” and changed “have to” to “must”. Additionally, I changed “themselves” to “him or her”; To be a great leader in life, one must be confident, be connected to those around him or her, and be committed to one’s purpose.’’’
‘’’Again, make sure to clarify: who is “them”? I changed “big” to important and “assuring” to “guiding”; Leaders have the important role of guiding those around them.’’’
‘’’I changed “the” to “a” so as not to specify an individual leader. I also changed “would” to “should” since we cannot assume the success of anyone. If a leader is confident, assured, and connected, the group he or she is leading should succeed at reaching their goal.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to avoid writing in the first and second person. I changed “furthermore” to “moreover”. Also, “betray” might be a little too aggressive; Moreover, if a leader does not exhibit confidence, his or her group members may lose respect for the leader.’’’
‘’’Sija, you brought up this “Brad” persona without giving your reader any context. Who is he? Why is he relevant? Individuals who can realize and assess their weaknesses have the power to change, in a positive way.’’’
‘’’I felt it was important to expand on the previous sentence, so I combined this thought with the previous one, and added new material; This quality is what makes great leaders; not being perfect but being aware.’’’
‘’’Sija, try to avoid writing “in conclusion”. If it is your last sentence, your reader will know that you are concluding. I changed “be” to “is”. Again, I made the subject singular by removing the “s”. What makes a great leader is someone who is confident, connected, and committed to his or her purpose.’’’
To be great leaders in life they have to be confident in themselves, connected to the group members, and committed to the purpose. Leaders have a big role in their group, which is showing them assurance. If the leader is confident, assured, and connected, it could be clear that this group would succeed. Furthermore, if you are the leader and you don't have confidence, it would show that you will betray your own needs to please your group members. Not only that, Brad, a worker, was assigned to be the leader, but he was in having confidence in himself, so he wanted to resign. However, knowing what his weakness was his friend helped him build up more confidence. To conclude, leaders will succeed if they be confident, connected, and committed to the purpose. https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/11/people-become-leaders-by-responding-effectively-to-challenges-author.
‘’’Follow the Leader
To be a great leader in life, one must be confident, be connected to those around him or her, and be committed to one’s purpose. Leaders have the important role of guiding those around them. If a leader is confident, assured, and connected, the group he or she is leading should succeed at reaching their goal. Moreover, if a leader does not exhibit confidence, his or her group members may lose respect for the leader. Individuals who can realize and assess their weaknesses have the power to change, in a positive way. This quality is what makes great leaders; not being perfect, but being aware. What makes a great leader is someone who is confident, connected, and committed to his or her purpose.’’’ Source: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/11/people-become-leaders-by-responding-effectively-to-challenges-author.
Currently, researchers are investigating Otzi’s intestine. Otzi, the iceman, lived 5,300 years ago. One day two German hikers found a dead body buried in ice, which was later identified as Otzi’s body. Through the investigation, researchers were able to find that Otzi had dark hair, brown eyes; and was five feet, five inches tall. Furthermore, he had rotten teeth, he had plague around his heart, and he had suffered from arthritis. Not only that, he was murdered with arrows. Back to the topic, in Otzi’s intestine, researchers found out that he ate ibexes, goats, wheats, and red deers. Continusly, researchers will continue accommodating information about Otzi. https://www.dogonews.com/2018/7/25/otzi-the-icemans-last-meal-was-a-delicious-high-calorie-feast
‘’’Your headline is missing. You might want to try something like, “The Iceman’s Last Meal”’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to carefully spell names. “Ötzi” is the correct spelling. Also, remember to give your reader context; who is “Ötzi”? Also, according to the article, the investigation already took place so you should avoid the word “currently”. Remember to write in past tense; Researchers have discovered what Ötzi, Europe’s oldest-known human mummy, ate for his last meal.’’’
‘’’I added “almost” because the article does not provide an exact date; Ötzi the iceman, lived almost 5,300 years ago.’’’
‘’’Great job with this sentence! I clarified that this happened in 1991, by adding said date; In 1991, two German hikers found a dead body buried in ice, which was later identified as Ötzi’s body.’’’
‘’’I deleted “the” because more than just one investigation took place. I also switched “find” for “discover”. You don’t need a semicolon after “eyes”; you can simply put another comma; Through investigations, researchers discovered that Ötzi had dark hair, brown eyes and was five feet, five inches tall.’’’
‘’’I subbed “additionally” for “furthermore. Sija, make sure to check your spelling; I believe you were trying to write “plaque” not “plague”. I also added the word “apparently”; Additionally, he had rotten teeth, plaque around his heart, and had apparently suffered from arthritis.’’’
‘’’I changed “not only that” to “moreover” and added more details pertaining to Otzi’s death; Moreover, it was uncovered that Ötzi was murdered by an arrow to the shoulder and blunt trauma to the head.’’’
‘’’Sija, avoid writing “back to the topic”; it is too casual. Remember that the plural of “wheat” is “wheat” and the plural of “deer” is “deer”. Make sure to read your article very carefully. The original article states that ibex is a goat; Through a CT scan and the contents found in Ötzi’s intestine, researchers discovered that his diet consisted of wheat, red deer and ibex, which is an alpine goat.’’’
‘’’Again, be careful to spell things correctly; I believe you were trying to write “Continuously”. As more information is uncovered, researchers will continue sharing their findings on all things related to Ötzi.’’’
Currently, researchers are investigating Otzi’s intestine. Otzi, the iceman, lived 5,300 years ago. One day two German hikers found a dead body buried in ice, which was later identified as Otzi’s body. Through the investigation, researchers were able to find that Otzi had dark hair, brown eyes; and was five feet, five inches tall. Furthermore, he had rotten teeth, he had plague around his heart, and he had suffered from arthritis. Not only that, he was murdered with arrows. Back to the topic, in Otzi’s intestine, researchers found out that he ate ibexes, goats, wheats, and red deers. Continusly, researchers will continue accommodating information about Otzi. https://www.dogonews.com/2018/7/25/otzi-the-icemans-last-meal-was-a-delicious-high-calorie-feast
‘’’The Iceman’s Last Meal
Researchers have discovered what Ötzi, Europe’s oldest-known human mummy, ate for his last meal. Ötzi the iceman, lived almost 5,300 years ago. In 1991, two German hikers found a dead body buried in ice, which was later identified as Ötzi’s body. Through investigations, researchers discovered that Ötzi had dark hair, brown eyes and was five feet, five inches tall. Additionally, he had rotten teeth, plaque around his heart, and had apparently suffered from arthritis. Moreover, it was uncovered that Ötzi was murdered by an arrow to the shoulder and blunt trauma to the head. Through a CT scan and the contents found in Ötzi’s intestine, researchers discovered that his diet consisted of wheat, red deer and ibex, which is an alpine goat. As more information is uncovered, researchers will continue sharing their findings on all things related to Ötzi.’’’ Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2018/7/25/otzi-the-icemans-last-meal-was-a-delicious-high-calorie-feast
Iron man has come back alive! Richard Browning, who brought Iron man alive, is being praised for his creation to bring Iron man alive. He has to wear a 99 pound exoskeleton with six small jet engines, in order to help him fly. Furthermore, he can control his creation by few body movements. In addition, his creation can fly up to 280 miles per hour. We should be thankful for having Richard bringing Iron man back.
https://www.dogonews.com/2018/8/18/iron-mans-flight-suit-is-now-a-reality
‘’’Headline is missing. You might want to try something like: “The Iron Man Suit: Straight Out of a Comic Book”’’’
‘’’Sija, when you say Iron man is back alive, you are implying that he died, which I do not believe is the case; Iron man’s suit is now a reality!’’’
‘’’Sija, in this one sentence, you mention the same fact twice; be careful of redundancy. Remember to add context; I included who Richard Browning is. Also, I changed “Iron Man” to “the Iron Man suit”; British inventor Richard Browning, who brought the Iron Man suit to life, is being praised for his creation.’’’
‘’’I subbed “fashioned” for “has to wear”. Also, remember to place a hyphen (-) between “99” and “pound”; He fashioned a 99-pound exoskeleton with six small jet engines, in order to help him fly.’’’
‘’’I changed “furthermore” to “once airborne”. I also added “precise” to describe his body movements; Once airborne, Browning can control the flight by few precise body movements.’’’
‘’’I changed “In addition” to “theoretically” and clarified that that fact has not been proven; Theoretically, his creation can fly up to 280 miles per hour, though that has not been tested.’’’
‘’’Sija, remember to avoid opinions, as well as writing in first person; Browning hopes to improve the suit by adding wings and extending its flight time, but the fact that he has brought the superhero’s suit to life, alone, is an incredible feat.’’’
Iron man has come back alive! Richard Browning, who brought Iron man alive, is being praised for his creation to bring Iron man alive. He has to wear a 99 pound exoskeleton with six small jet engines, in order to help him fly. Furthermore, he can control his creation by few body movements. In addition, his creation can fly up to 280 miles per hour. We should be thankful for having Richard bringing Iron man back.https://www.dogonews.com/2018/8/18/iron-mans-flight-suit-is-now-a-reality
‘’’The Iron Man Suit: Straight Out of a Comic Book
Iron man’s suit is now a reality! British inventor Richard Browning, who brought the Iron Man suit to life, is being praised for his creation. He fashioned a 99-pound exoskeleton with six small jet engines, in order to help him fly. Once airborne, Browning can control the flight by few precise body movements. Theoretically, his creation can fly up to 280 miles per hour, though that has not been tested. Browning hopes to improve the suit by adding wings and extending its flight time, but the fact that he has brought the superhero’s suit to life, alone, is an incredible feat.’’’ Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2018/8/18/iron-mans-flight-suit-is-now-a-reality
