Jich's Writing Page
Great work on both of these paragraphs! For your next assignment, work on trying to minimize repetition, by finding synonyms for words that you use frequently. Keep up the good work!
Dying Tortoises
Edits:
The Galápagos Tortoise is in trouble because of Galápagos Hawks and humans.
I took out the second time you said "because of" to avoid repetition.
Galápagos Tortoises are being illegally hunted, which is one of the top reasons for endangerment.
Being hunted is one reason for endangerment, and is a singular noun, so I changed "which are" to "which is."
Galápagos Tortoises are also suffering from habitat destruction which is also another main cause of endangerment.
I used "main cause" instead of "reason" because you used the word "reason" in your second sentence. This adds variety to your writing!
Galápagos Hawks are predators of Galápagos Tortoises and kill their newborns and eggs.
To avoid repetition I used "kill their newborns and eggs" instead of naming Galápagos Tortoises again at the end of the sentence.
Luckily, there are no other predators of the tortoise.
Good!
As you can see, the Galápagos Tortoise is endangered and needs help to stop people illegally hunting them, habitat destruction, and Galápagos Hawks.
I used "stop people illegally hunting them" instead of "avoid people illegally hunting them."
Edited paragraph:
The Galápagos Tortoise is in trouble because of Galápagos Hawks and humans. Galápagos Tortoises are being illegally hunted, which is one of the top reasons for endangerment. Galápagos Tortoises are also suffering from habitat destruction which is also another main cause of endangerment. Galápagos Hawks are predators of Galápagos Tortoises and kill their newborns and eggs. Luckily, there are no other predators of the tortoise. As you can see, the Galápagos Tortoise is endangered and needs help to stop people illegally hunting them, habitat destruction, and Galápagos Hawks.
Original paragraph:
The Galápagos Tortoise is in trouble because of Galápagos Hawks and because of humans. Galápagos Tortoises are being illegally hunted which are one of the top reasons of endangerment. Galápagos Tortoises are also suffering from habitat destruction which is also another reason for endangerment. Galápagos Hawks are predators of Galápagos Tortoises and kill newborns and eggs of the Galápagos Tortoise. Luckily, there are no other predators of the tortoise. As you can see, the Galápagos Tortoise is endangered and needs help to avoid people illegally hunting them, habitat destruction, and Galápagos Hawks.
Source: https://kids.nationalgeographic.com/animals/reptiles/galapagos-tortoise/
Deadly Leopards
Edits: The leopard is an animal that excels in hunting and fighting.
Great word choice of “excels”!
It is especially good at hunting while waiting in the trees for its prey to come along.
Good!
Another place leopards hunt is in the water.
"Hunting place for the leopard" is a little wordy, so I simplified it a bit here.
They are very good swimmers and they usually attack crabs and fish.
Good!
The leopard also kills antelope, deer, and pigs by hiding stealthily in the tall grass.
Great sentence, and great job with the word “stealthily.” I moved the word "stealthily" to go after "hiding" instead of after "pigs" because it is an adverb and should go as close to the verb as it can.
Leopards are most likely to attack humans or dogs if humans come near them.
I think what you mean is that leopards are more likely to attack if humans are near them, and less likely to attack if humans stay away. I changed "most" to "more."
In summary, leopards are excellent at hunting different species in different places.
Great conclusion sentence!
Edited paragraph:
The leopard is an animal that excels in hunting and fighting. It is especially good at hunting while waiting in the trees for its prey to come along. Another place leopards hunt is in the water. They are very good swimmers and they usually attack crabs and fish. The leopard also kills antelope, deer, and pigs by hiding stealthily in the tall grass. Leopards are most likely to attack humans or dogs if humans come near them. In summary, leopards are excellent at hunting different species in different places.
Original paragraph:
The leopard is an animal that excels in hunting and fighting. It is especially good at hunting while waiting in the trees for its prey to come along. Another hunting place for the leopard is the water. They are very good swimmers and they usually attack crabs and fish. The leopard also kills antelope, deer, and pigs stealthily by hiding in the tall grass. Leopards are most likely to attack humans or dogs if humans come near them. In summary, leopards are excellent at hunting different species in different places.
Source:https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/mammals/l/leopard/
Original essay:
Our Thanksgiving is different from the Thanksgiving in the story because we only have 1 Thanksgiving day and the Thanksgiving in the story has several Thanksgiving days. Also, our Thanksgiving doesn't give thanks for the Great Spirit, while the Thanksgiving in the story does.
Our Thanksgiving only has 1 day and the story's Thanksgiving has several days throughout spring and summer. The text stated "During the spring and summer, the Iroquois give several thanksgiving feasts." This shows that the two Thanksgivings are different because the Iroquois have more than one Thanksgivings and our Thanksgiving only has one day. Also, the text stated "When the Iroquois pick fruit, they give thanks to the Great Spirit." This proves that the story's Thanksgiving and our Thanksgiving are different because the story's Thanksgiving gives thanks to the Great Spirit, however when we celebrate Thanksgiving we do not give thanks to the Great Spirit. As you can see, our Thanksgiving is different from the story's Thanksgiving because the story's Thanksgiving has several days of Thanksgiving in two seasons, but our Thanksgiving has only one day and the story gives thanks to the Great Spirit, while we do not.
All in all, our Thanksgiving is different from the Iroquois' Thanksgiving. For example, they have multiple Thanksgiving days and we do not. Also, we do not give thanks to the Great Spirit and the Iroquois do.
Edits:
Our Thanksgiving is different from the Thanksgiving in the story because we only have one Thanksgiving day and the Thanksgiving in the story has several Thanksgiving days.
Make sure to spell out numbers that aren’t too big. (Numbers less than 20 should be spelled out.)
Also, our Thanksgiving doesn't give thanks for the Great Spirit, while the Thanksgiving in the story does.
Good!
The story's Thanksgiving has several days throughout spring and summer.
I took out the part about our Thanksgiving because the quote in the next sentence only talks about the Iroquois' Thanksgiving, and we will talk about our Thanksgiving in another sentence later!
The text states, "During the spring and summer, the Iroquois give several thanksgiving feasts."
Make sure to write in the present tense and put a comma after “The text states”
However, our Thanksgiving is only one day in November.
By mentioning in a separate sentence that our Thanksgiving has only one day, you can give greater contrast to show how the days are separate. Also try to add in extra information from your own knowledge of our Thanksgiving—like that it occurs in November!
Also, the text states, "When the Iroquois pick fruit, they give thanks to the Great Spirit."
I edited your sentence to present tense and added a comma after “states”
This also proves that the story's Thanksgiving is different from our Thanksgiving, because the story's Thanksgiving gives thanks to the Great Spirit, which we do not give thanks to when we celebrate Thanksgiving.
I added in the word “also” to show that this is another reason the Thanksgivings are different.
In conclusion, our Thanksgiving is very different from the Iroquois' Thanksgiving.
Great job on punctuation in “Iroquois’”!! Try using a different concluding phrase like “In conclusion,” instead of “All in all.”
Edited essay:
Our Thanksgiving is different from the Thanksgiving in the story because we only have one Thanksgiving day and the Thanksgiving in the story has several Thanksgiving days. Also, our Thanksgiving doesn't give thanks for the Great Spirit, while the Thanksgiving in the story does.
The story's Thanksgiving has several days throughout spring and summer. The text states, "During the spring and summer, the Iroquois give several thanksgiving feasts." However, our Thanksgiving is only one day in November. Also, the text states, "When the Iroquois pick fruit, they give thanks to the Great Spirit." This also proves that the story's Thanksgiving is different from our Thanksgiving, because the story's Thanksgiving gives thanks to the Great Spirit, which we do not give thanks to when we celebrate Thanksgiving. In conclusion, our Thanksgiving very is different from the Iroquois' Thanksgiving.
Original paragraph:
The fact that Ivan was honest was one of the reasons Ivan got blessed with luck and wealth. The text states, "Then Ivan thought of the third counsel, and he said "Let us go and give it to the great lord." This shows that Ivan was honest and din't take take the purse full of money for himself. Also, the text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief." This proves that since Ivan was honest about the purse the lord was pleased and made Ivan his servant. As you can see, since Ivan was honest about the lordship's purse, the lord made Ivan his servant instead of the previous one (which stole the purse).
Edits:
The fact that Ivan was honest was one of the reasons he was blessed with luck and wealth.
I used the pronoun “he” instead of Ivan for the second time you mentioned him, to avoid repetition. Also, I said he “was” blessed with luck and wealth because “blessed” is the verb, so “was” is the correct helping verb (not “got”).
In the text, when Ivan’s wife found the purse of gold, “Then Ivan thought of the third counsel, and he said, "Let us go and give it to the great lord."
When you use quotes, make sure to give context (details) from the story so the reader knows what the quote is talking about. I added in “when Ivan’s wife found the purse of gold” so the reader knows that when Ivan says “Let us go give it,” it means the purse.
This shows that Ivan was honest and didn’t take the purse full of money for himself.
Watch for typos! I changed “din’t” to “didn’t” and took out the second "take" that was repeated.
Also, the text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief."
Good! Great job of using two quotes to support the same answer!
This proves that since Ivan was honest about the purse, the lord was thankful and made Ivan his servant.
I added a comma between “purse” and “the.” Also, because the story said the lord was pleased, I used “thankful” instead in your sentence, to reduce repetition.
As you can see, since Ivan was honest about the lordship's purse, the lord made Ivan his servant instead of the previous one (who stole the purse).
Make sure to use the pronoun “who” when you are talking about people (the servant). Use “which” when talking about things.
Edited paragraph:
The fact that Ivan was honest was one of the reasons he was blessed with luck and wealth. In the text, when Ivan’s wife found the purse of gold, “Then Ivan thought of the third counsel, and he said, "Let us go and give it to the great lord." This shows that Ivan was honest and didn’t take the purse full of money for himself. Also, the text states, "So Ivan and his wife went up to the castle, and there they pointed out the man to whom they had given the purse, and he had to give it up and was sent away from the castle. And the lord was so pleased with Ivan that he made him his servant instead of the thief." This proves that since Ivan was honest about the purse, the lord was thankful and made Ivan his servant. As you can see, since Ivan was honest about the lordship's purse, the lord made Ivan his servant instead of the previous one (who stole the purse).
Great job today! I changed very little!
Original paragraph:
Sara shows her love for Captain Crew by staying near him all the time. The text states, "Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India." This shows that Sara stayed by her father's side the whole time. Captain Crew shows his love for Sara by giving Sara a tremendous amount of supplies. According to the text, "They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed." This proves that Captain Crew shows his affection by buying a huge amount of things for Sara to use. In summary, Sara shows her love by staying by Captain crew and captain crew shows his love by buying a lot of supplies for Sara.
Edits:
Sara shows her love for Captain Crewe by staying near him all the time.
Good! Make sure to spell Captain Crewe with an E.
The text states, "Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India."
Good!
This shows that Sara stayed by her father's side the whole time.
Good!
Captain Crewe shows his love for Sara by giving Sara a tremendous amount of gifts.
"Supplies" is an outdated word in this context. The author uses it in the text because it was written over 100 years ago, but try to come up with a synonym—like gifts or presents.
According to the text, "They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed."
Great sentence and quote!
This proves that Captain Crewe shows his affection by buying a huge amount of things for Sara to use.
Very good!
In summary, Sara shows her love by staying by Captain Crewe and Captain Crewe shows his love by buying a lot of presents for Sara.
Great job using a new concluding phrase! Again, make sure your sentences don’t repeat the same words too much, so I used “presents” instead of “supplies.” Also, remember to capitalize "Captain Crewe."
Edited paragraph:
Sara shows her love for Captain Crewe by staying near him all the time. The text states, "Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India." This shows that Sara stayed by her father's side the whole time. Captain Crewe shows his love for Sara by giving Sara a tremendous amount of gifts. According to the text, "They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed." This proves that Captain Crewe shows his affection by buying a huge amount of things for Sara to use. In summary, Sara shows her love by staying by Captain Crewe and Captain Crewe shows his love by buying a lot of presents for Sara.
Original paragraph:
Sara likes to read big fat books. According to the text it states, "She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones." This shows that Sara likes to gobble grown up books that are big and fat. Sara also likes to read French, German, and English books. In A Little Princess the story states, "French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things." This proves that Sara liked to read different language books. As you can see, Sara likes reading fat books and French and German books. In summary, Sara shows her love by staying by her father and Captain Crew shows his love by buying a ton of supplies for his daughter.
Edits:
Sara likes to read long books.
Edited for word choice; “Big, fat” books were used directly in the text. Think about what the quote means and use your own words next time!
According to the text, “She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones."
If you say “According to the text” you don’t need to include “it states” too, so I took “it states” out.
This shows that Sara likes to read large books that adults read.
Again, make sure not to use the same words from the quote in how you explain the quote.
Sara also likes to read French, German, and English books.
Good!
In A Little Princess, the story states, "French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things."
Good job italicizing the story name! Make sure to put a comma in-between “A Little Princess” and “the story states.”
This proves that Sara likes to read different language books.
Edited for verb tense; Make sure to keep the tense the same! Everywhere else in your paragraph you used present tense, so I used “Sara likes” instead of “Sara liked.”
As shown above, Sara likes reading long books and books in other languages.
For your last sentences, you have used “As you can see,” most times. Try using other conclusion words, like “Therefore,” “As shown above,” or “In summary,” so your writing isn’t as repetitive.
Edited paragraph:
Sara likes to read long books. According to the text, “She is always starving for new books to gobble, and she wants grown-up books—great, big, fat ones." This shows that Sara likes to read large books that adults read. Sara also likes to read French, German, and English books. In A Little Princess, the story states that Sara reads "French and German as well as English—history and biography and poets, and all sorts of things." This proves that Sara likes to read different language books. As shown above, Sara likes reading long books and books in other languages.
Original paragraph:
The bangs on the door were to signal the girls to go eat breakfast. The text states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast." This shows that the bang alerted the girls and the girls quickly went to the table for breakfast. The bangs on the door also signaled the girls to go thank Mamma for the presents. The text states, "Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day!" This proves that the bangs was a signal to tell the girls to go thank their Mamma for the presents. As you can see, the bangs on the door signaled the girls to go eat breakfast and to thank their Mamma for presents.
Edits:
The bangs on the door signaled the girls to go eat breakfast.
I used “signaled” as a verb instead of “were to signal,” to make the sentence less wordy.
The text states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast."
Good!
This shows that the bang alerted the girls and that they quickly went to the table for breakfast.
To reduce repetition, I changed the second “the girls” to “they.”
Because the bangs on the door were from Marmee, they signaled the girls to go thank Marmee for their presents.
Firstly, it is important to say in your paragraph who the bangs are from—Marmee. Also, make sure to copy the exact name of the girls’ mother, which is “Marmee,” so I took out “Mamma.”
In the story, the girls say, "Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day!"
Try using other ways to introduce the quotes. Try using “In the story,” “In Little Women,” or “According to the story,” for example. Also if the quote you are choosing for your paragraph was spoken by a character or characters from the story, make sure to say who said it. Here I added in “the girls say,” because all of the girls speak these lines.
This proves that the bangs were a signal to tell the girls to go thank Marmee for their presents.
Because bangs are plural, I changed “was” to “were.” And don’t forget to use the name “Marmee”!
Therefore, the bangs on the door signaled the girls to go eat breakfast and to thank Marmee for their presents.
Try using other conclusion words, like “Therefore,” “As shown above,” or “In summary.”
Edited paragraph:
The bangs on the door signaled the girls to go eat breakfast. The text states, "Another bang of the street door sent the basket under the sofa, and the girls to the table, eager for breakfast." This shows that the bang alerted the girls and that they quickly went to the table for breakfast. Because the bangs on the door were from Marmee, they signaled the girls to go thank Marmee for their presents. In the story, the girls say, "Thank you for our books. We read some, and mean to every day!" This proves that the bangs were a signal to tell the girls to go thank Marmee for their presents. Therefore, the bangs on the door signaled the girls to go eat breakfast and to thank Marmee for their presents.
Great work on this paragraph!
Original paragraph:
A letter from Father made everyone happy. According to the story, it states "As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, "I've got a treat for you after supper."A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine."A letter! A letter!" This shows that everyone smiled because of the letter that arrived. Furthermore, the text states, "Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, Three cheers for Father!" his proves that everybody was elated about the letter because it had been from Father and everyone cheered. As you can see, we can tell that everybody was excited about the letter that came from Father because they all cheered and clapped.
Edits:
A letter from Father made everyone happy.
Good!
According to the story, "As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, ‘I’ve got a treat for you after supper.’ A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine. ‘A letter! A letter!'”
Great job adding in “According to the story”! You don’t need to include “it states” too in this sentence, since you already mentioned that the quote is coming from the story.
This shows that everyone smiled because of the letter that arrived.
Good!
Furthermore, the text states, "Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, ‘Three cheers for Father!’”
Good! When part of the quote you want to include in your paragraph already has quotation marks in it, make sure to put double quotation marks (" ") around the whole quote and single quotation marks (' ') around the dialogue within the story. I changed this for your second sentence too.
As you can see, everybody was elated about the letter because it had been from Father and everyone cheered and clapped.
Great use of the word “elated”! Also, your last two sentences were very similar, so I combined them into one sentence to reduce repetition.
Edited paragraph:
A letter from Father made everyone happy. According to the story, "As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, ‘I’ve got a treat for you after supper.’ A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine. ‘A letter! A letter!” This shows that everyone smiled because of the letter that arrived. Furthermore, the text states, "Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, ‘Three cheers for Father!’” As you can see, everybody was elated about the letter because it had been from Father and everyone cheered and clapped.
Some things to work on:
1. Make sure to keep your verb tense the same.
2. Work on changing up how you introduce the quotes you use from the story. Some examples include “According to the story,” "The text states,” or "The story says."
3. Try to mention which character is saying the quote, so your readers understand.
You've got this!
Original paragraph:
Beth is scared of people watching her opening her bundles. The text states "I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles," This shows that Beth was scared of people staring at her while she opens her bundles because she said it was dreadful. Beth was also scared of people marching toward her with presents. The text states "I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss." This proves Beth was scared because she was frightened. All in all, Beth was scared of people staring at her while she opens her bundles and people marching toward her with presents.
Edits:
Beth was scared of people watching her open her packages.
Edited for verb tense and word choice; Make sure to keep your verb tense the same throughout. You had past tense everywhere else, so I changed “is” to “was.” I also changed “opening” to “open.” Lastly, because you used the word “bundles” was used in the direct quote, I used its synonym “packages” for this sentence.
In the story, Beth says, "I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles.”
Remember to use different ways to introduce your quotes, and mention the character who said the quote. I edited in “In the story, Beth says,” in place of “The text states.”
This shows that Beth was scared of people staring at her while she opens her bundles because she said it was dreadful.
Good!
Beth was also scared of people marching toward her with presents.
Good!
Beth also says, "I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss."
Like I said in response to your second sentence, remember to use the character’s name right before the quote.
This also proves Beth was scared because she was frightened to see the people come toward her with presents.
Edited for clarification; Don’t forget to say what Beth was frightened about here! I added in that she was frightened “to see the people come toward her with presents.”
All in all, Beth was scared of people staring at her while she opens her bundles and people marching toward her with presents.
Good!
Original paragraph:
Beth says that her life is the hardest because she has to do the dishes and keep things tidy. The text states, "It's naughty to fret, but I do think washing dishes and keeping things tidy is the worst work in the world." This shows that Beth says her life is the most tedious because she has to make the house clean and clean the dishes. Amy also said her life was the hardest because she has to go to school with impertinent girls who insult you if you don't study your lessons,make fun of your dresses, tell if your father is wealthy, and tease how your nose looks. The text states, "For you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls,who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich, and insult you when your nose isn't nice." This proves that Amy has the most gnarly life because she has to go through girls making fun of her at school. As you can see, Beth and Amy both say that they have the most tedious life.
Edits:
- Beth says that her life is the hardest because she has to do housework.
Amazing job at changing up your wording in your different sentences, so they aren’t as repetitive! Here, I changed “do the dishes and keep things tidy” to “housework,” because even though your wording is different from the next two sentences, we want to keep your first sentence more simple, and give the details through the quote.
- According to the story, Beth says, "It's naughty to fret, but I do think washing dishes and keeping things tidy is the worst work in the world."
Good job keeping “the text states” in present tense! Now, try to change up how you introduce the text quotes in your different sentences. Some examples include “According to the story,” "The text states,” or "The story says." Also try to mention which character is saying the quote, so your readers understand.
- This shows that Beth thinks her life is the most tedious because she has to clean the dishes and make the house neat.
I changed "Beth says" to "Beth thinks" because it is a stronger verb here. I also rearranged “clean the dishes” and “make the house clean” to match the order you (and the story) mentioned them in your first and second sentences. Lastly, "make the house clean" to "make the house neat," because it fits better since you used "clean" with dishes.
- Amy also says her life is the hardest because she has to go to school with rude girls.
Remember to keep the same verb tense throughout the paragraph. You wrote in present tense everywhere else, so I changed “said” to “says.” Also, great job of not repeating the wording of your quote in how you answer the question! One thing to work on is letting your quotes speak for themselves, so like I did in my edits for your first sentence about Beth, I simplified this sentence to just "to school with rude girls."
- In the text, Amy says, "I don't believe any of you suffer as I do, for you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls, who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich, and insult you when your nose isn't nice."
Like in your second sentence, I added the character’s name before the quote.
- This proves that Amy thinks she has the hardest life because she has to deal with girls making fun of her at school.
Great job! You summed up all of Amy’s experiences at school as being made fun of. Exactly! This is a great way to avoid repetition. Also, I like how you have used synonyms for “hard” throughout your paragraph, but here, “gnarly” is an informal word. What about using “difficult” instead? Lastly, your quote proves that Amy thinks and says she has the hardest life, but it doesn't actually prove she has the hardest life. So I added in "Amy thinks she has."
- As you can see, Beth and Amy both say that they have the most tedious lives.
“Life” should be plural, because it corresponds to “they,” so I changed it to “lives.”
Overall comments:
Already I see so much improvement in your writing! I recommend proofreading your paragraph and paying attention to the verb tense. Also, try to let your quote speak for itself. By this, I mean let the quote give the details that support your claim, and try not to restate the quote in the sentence before it. You could even just say, “Beth says that her life is the hardest.” And for the sentence about Amy, you could say, “Amy also says her life is the hardest.” Keep up the great work!
Edited paragraph:
Beth says that her life is the hardest because she has to do housework. According to the story, Beth says, "It's naughty to fret, but I do think washing dishes and keeping things tidy is the worst work in the world." This shows that Beth thinks her life is the most tedious because she has to clean the dishes and make the house neat. Amy also says her life is the hardest because she has to go to school with rude girls. In the text, Amy says, "I don't believe any of you suffer as I do, for you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls, who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich, and insult you when your nose isn't nice." This proves that Amy thinks she has the hardest life because she has to deal with girls making fun of her at school. As you can see, Beth and Amy both say that they have the most tedious lives.
Original paragraph:
I would describe Demi as a shy boy. The text stated "A quiet, quaint boy was Demu, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children." This shows Demi was shy because when you are quiet or quaint, it means you don't like talking, which means the same as being shy. I would also describe Demi as imaginative. The text stated "Very fond of books, and full of lively fancies, born of a strong imagination and a spiritual nature, these traits made his parents anxious to balance them with useful knowledge and healthful society, lest they should make him one of those pale precocious children who amaze and delight a family sometimes, and fade away like hot-house flowers, because the young soul blooms too soon, and has not a hearty body to root it firmly in the wholesome soil of this world." This proves that Demi is imaginative because he had a strong imagination, which means you imagine a lot or that you are imaginative. As you can see Demi is imaginative and shy because he had a good animation and because he was quiet and quaint.
Corrections:
- I would describe Demi as a shy boy.
Good!
- The text states, "A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children."
Good quote! Make sure to keep your verbs about the text quotes in present tense, so I edited in “states” instead of “stated.” Using present tense when talking about what the book states is something many adults don’t even remember, and if you use it, your writing will be very impressive!
- This shows Demi was shy because he was quiet and quaint, which means he didn't like talking.
Edited for repetition; You don’t need to say “shy” twice in the sentence, so I took out the second “shy.” I also took out the times you said “you,” to make the sentence all about Demi.
- I would also describe Demi as imaginative.
Very good word choice!
- The text states that Demi was ”Very fond of books, and full of lively fancies, born of a strong imagination and a spiritual nature.”
The quote you chose was very long. Try to use only the parts of the text sentence that support your claim. You claim that Demi is imaginative, so I left that part of the quote in, and took out the part about how his parents were raising him.
- This proves that Demi had a powerful imagination.
Edited for repetition; Because your quote already said Demi has a “strong imagination,” try to find a synonym, such as “powerful.”
- As you can see, Demi was shy and imaginative because he was quiet and quaint and because he had a powerful imagination.
Edited for sentence structure and verb tense; Make sure to keep the parts of your last sentence in the same order as you talked about them earlier in the paragraph. You talked about how Demi is shy before you talked about how Demi is imaginative, so I rearranged your last sentence to match. Also, you combined present and past tense in this sentence, so make sure to keep the tense the same.
Edited paragraph:
I would describe Demi as a shy boy. The text states, "A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children." This shows Demi was shy because he was quiet and quaint, which means he didn't like talking. I would also describe Demi as imaginative. The text states that Demi was ”Very fond of books, and full of lively fancies, born of a strong imagination and a spiritual nature.” This proves that Demi had a powerful imagination. As you can see, Demi was shy and imaginative because he was quiet and quaint and because he had a powerful imagination.
Comments:
Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great job describing Demi as shy and imaginative! Just make sure that you don’t repeat the same words too much, and you can search a thesaurus for synonyms if that helps you. Also, remember to keep the same tense throughout your writing. If you have any questions about writing or my edits, please type them out for me here. I am excited to see your next paragraph!
Edited by Sarah Kikel
