Tepa's Writing Page

Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm going to be editing your writing. Good job on your first essay! Make sure to scroll all the way down to see how I edited your first assignment under the "edits" and "edited essay" sections below.

Here's what I would like you to work on for your next essay:

1. Copy a quote directly from the story and put it in quotation marks: "___________" (fill in the blank with the quote from the text)

If you have any questions please write them out for me here!

Original essay:

The boy was able to get out of the fish using his brain. Because the boy got hungry he cut a piece of the fishes liver and the fish vomited the boy out. So the fish vomited the boy out and he was free.

The boy was able to get out of the fish by cutting off a piece of the fishes liver, therefore, the fish vomited up the boy. According to the "text,"... it states that he became very hungry and looking around he saw the fishes liver hanging over his head. Thinking it was dried meat, he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell, he had been playing within his hand. The operation sickened the fish and it vomited the boy out. So the boy got hungry and cut a piece of the fishes liver and the fish vomited him out.

In conclusion, the boy was able to get out of the fish because it vomited him out. The boy's hunger made him cut a piece of the fish's liver, this made the fish vomit him out.

Edits:

The boy was able to get out of the fish because of his hunger. 

  The boy thought the fish’s liver was actually dried meat! So he wasn’t using his brain and being clever to get out, he was just hungry.

Because the boy got hungry, he cut off a piece of the fish’s liver to eat, and the fish vomited the boy out. 

  The liver belongs to the fish, so use the singular possessive of fish, which is "fish's". I also added in your sentence that the boy cut off part of the fish's liver to eat, so your reader knows why he cut it!

After the fish vomited the boy out, he was free. 

  I used "after" instead of "so," because it shows the order better.

The boy was able to get out of the fish by cutting off a piece of the fish’s liver, therefore, the fish vomited up the boy. 

 I used "fish's" instead of "fishes." (See the edits under your 2nd sentence for why.)

According to the text, the boy “became very hungry, and on looking around he saw the fish's liver hanging over his head. Thinking it dried meat, he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell he had been playing with and still held in his hand.” 

  Make sure to put what you have copied directly from the story in two sets of quotation marks! This is to separate what is someone else's words from what is your words. The word text itself doesn't need to be in quotation marks, but the part from the story does!

This cut made the fish sick, and it vomited the boy out. 

  The quote you chose was very long. Try to copy only the most important parts of the text, and summarize the rest of it in your own words! Here I summarized the last sentence from the quote.

So the boy got hungry and cut off a piece of the fish’s liver, and the fish spit him out. 

  Great end of this paragraph! I used "fish's" instead of "fishes." (See the edits under your 2nd sentence for why.)

In conclusion, the boy was able to get out of the fish because it vomited him out. 

  Great conclusion!

The boy's hunger made him cut a piece of the fish's liver, which made the fish vomit him out. 

  Good job using "hunger"! Using the word “this” in the sentence made it a run-on sentence. You could split the sentence into 2 sentences and begin the second sentence with “this,” but I used “which” instead and kept it as one strong sentence!

Edited essay:

The boy was able to get out of the fish because of his hunger. Because the boy got hungry, he cut off a piece of the fish’s liver to eat, and the fish vomited the boy out. After the fish vomited the boy out, he was free.

The boy was able to get out of the fish by cutting off a piece of the fish’s liver, therefore, the fish vomited up the boy. According to the text, the boy “became very hungry, and on looking around he saw the fish's liver hanging over his head. Thinking it dried meat, he tried to cut off a piece with a mussel shell he had been playing with and still held in his hand.” This cut made the fish sick, and it vomited the boy out. So the boy got hungry and cut off a piece of the fish’s liver, and the fish spit him out.

In conclusion, the boy was able to get out of the fish because it vomited him out. The boy's hunger made him cut a piece of the fish's liver, which made the fish vomit him out.