United Nations Project World Population to be 9.8B by 2050
- The original title did not do much for the passage. It doesn't look enticing to read. Readers would skip over this article just because of the title. Remember, the titles have to be a summary of your work and a clear summary of the topic. A strong passage like this one needs a strong title. I think this new title does the passage justice.; World Pop: 9.8B by 2050
By July of 2017, the world's approximate population will be over 7.5 billion, however by 2050, the population is expected to be at 9.8 billion.
- I shrunk and simplified this sentence. Instead of saying "mid year", you can be direct and say the month. And I omitted those zeros. The correct way to talk about millions/billions is to have the numerical value then the word "million" or "billion" behind it.; By the mid year of 2017 on July 2nd, the world's approximate population will be over 7,500,000,00, but by 2050, we'll be at 9,800,000,00.
The United Nations has released a report stating that the world's population will increase by over 2 billion people in the next thirty years.
- I think in this situation, U.N. can be spelled out.; The U.N. has released a report stating that the world's population will increase by over 2 billion people in the next thirty years.
Although global fertility rates have decreased in the last few years, still, approximately 83 million people have continued to increase the world's population every year.
- I changed "globally" to "global" and moved back while still conveying the same meaning. I changed "for a few years" into "the last few years." If it is possible, could there be a number of years instead?; Although fertility rates globally have decreased for a few years, still, approximately 83 million people have continued to increase the world's population every year.
The two most populated countries in the world, China and India, will switch places as top populace holders with India, currently having 1.3 Billion, overtaking China having a population of 1.4 billion.
- I omitted the comma behind China. There was no need for that Oxford comma.; The two most populated countries in the world, China, and India, will switch places as top populace holders with India, currently having 1.3 Billion, overtaking China having a population of 1.4 billion.
The United States is currently the third most-populous country and will lose its position to Nigeria by 2050.
- I changed the U.S. to "United States." I took out the comma and put "is" in the comma's place. Then, added "and" later in the sentence. This gave the sentence some transitions to utilize when moving from one thought to the next.; The U.S., currently the third most-populous country will lose its position to Nigeria by 2050.
With many third world nations increasing their populations and the push for first world nations to decrease theirs, the near future may have a great disparity of first and third world nations which could have serious repercussions for advanced civilizations.
- The first comma was not needed. As much as I love this closing sentence, I am really confused. If this is your "closer" then you need to have info to back this up. The previous sentences only talked about numbers, then the last is talking about repercussions and disparity. I suggest you reformulate this passage so it focuses more on why it's bad that third world countries are growing and the main nations are shrinking.; With many third world nations increasing their populations, and the push for first world nations to decrease theirs, the near future may have a great disparity of first and third world nations which could have serious repercussions for advanced civilizations.
Source: http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/06/22/533935054/u-n-says-world-s-population-will-reach-9-8-billion-by-2050 Edited by Michael Morrow
United Nations Project World Population to be 9.8B by 2050 By July of 2017, the world's approximate population will be over 7.5 billion, however by 2050, the population is expected to be at 9.8 billion. The United Nations has released a report stating that the world's population will increase by over 2 billion people in the next thirty years. Although global fertility rates have decreased in the last few years, still, approximately 83 million people have continued to increase the world's population every year. The two most populated countries in the world, China and India, will switch places as top populace holders with India, currently having 1.3 Billion, overtaking China having a population of 1.4 billion. The United States is currently the third most-populous country and will lose its position to Nigeria by 2050. With many third world nations increasing their populations and the push for first world nations to decrease theirs, the near future may have a great disparity of first and third world nations which could have serious repercussions for advanced civilizations.
Editor Michael Morrow: I could not combine the facts into JUST 4 Fact Sentences, there was too much info. Please allow for one extra fact sentence this time. Thank you.
Rivers Legally Receiving "Personhood"
(TS)In the fight against water pollution, New Zealand, Ecuador and India are substantially leaping ahead to save their rivers.
(FS1) Although not the same rights as humans, these countries assigned legal aspects to the rivers, similar to what corporations have, for the nations and overseers to legally sue any entity, person, corporation, and/or nation who pollute the rivers.
- I thought it would be better to omit "have." It flows better. I think this sentence can be reworded and reorganized. I feel like it is saying so much but I can't tell what it said. You may have to break this into two sentences.; Although not the same rights as humans have, these countries assigned legal aspects to the rivers, similar to that corporations have, for the nations and overseers to legally sue any entity, person, corporation, and/or nation who pollute the rivers.
(FS2)In New Zealand, the Whanganui River has been legally recognized to protect from pollution and for the relationship held between it and the Māori, the indigenous people of New Zealand.
- There is nothing really wrong with this sentence, I just removed "it" from it. It wasn't needed. I corrected the misspelled "indigenous."; In New Zealand, the Whanganui River has been legally recognized to protect it from pollution and for the relationship held between it and the Māori, the indigineous people of New Zealand.
(FS3)In Ecuador, the Constitution states that nature must be respected for its right to exist, maintain itself, and regenerate its life cycles, structures, functions and evolutionary processes and that anyone can demand Ecuadorian authorities enforce these rights.
- There is no need to put the Oxford comma behind "processes" because you stopped listing things ahead of it. I think that if you got this from the Constitution or the article, it would be good to quote it with quotation marks. The sentence seems more legal than just someone saying it. So, if you did get it from somewhere, it is best that you add quotes.; In Ecuador, the Constitution states that nature must be respected for its right to exist, maintain itself, and regenerate its life cycles, structures, functions and evolutionary processes, and that anyone can demand Ecuadorian authorities enforce these rights.
(FS4)The high court of Uttarakhand, in India, ruled that the Ganga and Yamuna rivers have the same legal rights as a person.
- I enclosed "in India" with commas because it is an appositive which means it modifies the noun and gives extra information. There is no need to capitalize "Rivers." Unless you want to say "Ganga River and Yamuna River."; The high court of Uttarakhand in India ruled that the Ganga and Yamuna Rivers have the same legal rights as a person.
(FS5)By assigning legal rights to nature as a legal entity, the appointed guardians of the rivers can enter and enforce regulations to protect the rivers from pollution.
- Clarity is needed for this sentence when it comes to two parts: appointed guardians and contracts. As much as I love the phrase "appointed guardians" for the rivers, I dont know what this mean. Are you saying that there is a special taskforce or a new division in the government to oversee protection? And "contracts." I wasnt sure what to think when the word was used this way. Did you use this in place of a law? In the way I read it, I replaced it with "regulations."; By assigning legal rights to nature as a legal entity, the appointed guardians of the rivers can enter and enforce contracts to protect the rivers from pollution.
(CS)So, as many mythological stories tell that nature transforms to man, in these cases, at least legally, the rivers have in fact gained "Personhood".
https://theconversation.com/three-rivers-are-now-legally-people-but-thats-just-the-start-of-looking-after-them-74983?sa=pg1&sq=river+personhood&sr=2 Edited by Michael Morrow
Rivers Legally Receiving "Personhood" In the fight against water pollution, New Zealand, Ecuador and India are substantially leaping ahead to save their rivers. Although not the same rights as humans, these countries assigned legal aspects to the rivers, similar to what corporations have, for the nations and overseers to legally sue any entity, person, corporation, and/or nation who pollute the rivers. In New Zealand, the Whanganui River has been legally recognized to protect from pollution and for the relationship held between it and the Māori, the indigenous people of New Zealand. In Ecuador, the Constitution states that nature must be respected for its right to exist, maintain itself, and regenerate its life cycles, structures, functions and evolutionary processes and that anyone can demand Ecuadorian authorities enforce these rights. The high court of Uttarakhand, in India, ruled that the Ganga and Yamuna rivers have the same legal rights as a person. By assigning legal rights to nature as a legal entity, the appointed guardians of the rivers can enter and enforce regulations to protect the rivers from pollution. So, as many mythological stories tell that nature transforms to man, in these cases, at least legally, the rivers have in fact gained "Personhood".
Netflix Dominates Cable by Millions
- Titles are always the first words that readers see, so try to make it as attractive as you can. This means using flashy, yet not overcomplicating diction.; Netflix Crushes Cable by Millions
In the competition of whether customers like expensive prechosen programs, or cheap choose-it -yourself entertainment, Netflix is quickly becoming the champion.
- I changed a few words in the sentence like at the beginning. It is more of a competition between the two entities rather than a challenge. Because they're both competing to be the dominant entertainment brand. I changed "customer" to "customers" because if you're speaking about a group of people, it is better to address them in plural form. Address it as if you are talking about those millions of people instead of one person.; In the challenge of whether a customer likes expensive prechosen programs, or cheap choose-it -yourself entertainment, Netflix is quickly becoming the champion.
Over the last six years, the online streaming provider has been in pursuit of cable TV providers and now Netflix has toppled cable TV with millions of more subscribers.
- Turning "gaining on" into "in pursuit of" gives a better example of how close Netflix is to cable. It gives a rushed feeling that let the readers know that Netflix is right on cable's heels. I also lowercased "cable" because it doesn't match the rest of your writing and it's not a specific company. However, if you were to use Time Warner or Comcast, those would need to be capitalized.; Over the last six years, the online streaming provider has been gaining on cable TV providers and now Netflix has toppled Cable TV with millions of more subscribers.
In the beginning of 2017, cable TV had 48 million subscribers while Netflix advanced to 59 million, the first time the online streaming company has overtaken cable since its inception in the US.
- Always remember to capitalize "TV", is a proper acronym just like NASA or USA. I corrected the spelling of "forty". Here is an interesting tip: when writing, if the number goes beyond nine, you can use the numerical symbol instead of spelling the whole number out. It is not a strictly enforced rule, but it is mostly used by journalists. I corrected the spelling of "online." Make sure you always read your writings for errors. If readers see too many, they may discredit you. ; In the beginning of 2017, cable tv had fourty-eight million subscribers while Netflix advanced to fifty-nine million, the first time the oneline streaming company has overtaken cable since its inception in the US.
The fact that users would rather pay Netflix's lower prices, that range between $7.99 - $11.99, to cable TV's $24.00 to $85.00, for the average pricing (sometimes more than $200.00 for the work).
- I recommend playing with this sentence. See what you can add on and take off and try a different sentence structure or possibly break it into two sentences. I had to reread the sentence a few times to understand what was being said. So, I replaced "of" with "that range" because usually that phrasing ties well with money and I added a comma before that and after "$11.99." And for the last piece of the sentence, I think parenthesis should be used and something has to be switched. This revision makes the sentences seem more clear than the original, but I still recommend going in for yourself and see what else you can do to it.; The fact that users would rather pay Netflix's lower prices of between $7.99 - $11.99 to cable TV's $24.00 to sometimes more than $200.00 for the works, and $85.00 for the average pricing.
Clearly, with millions of subscribers choosing Netflix, cable TV will have to alter its pricing or become the new Blockbuster.
- At the end, you can just say "become the new" it says the same as the orginal, but it is much more simple.; Clearly, with millions of subscribers choosing Netflix, cable TV will have to alter its pricing or go the way of Blockbuster.
Sources: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-4608624/Netflix-millions-subscribers-cable.html https://www.netflix.com/signup/planform Edited by Michael Morrow
Netflix Dominates Cable by Millions In the competition of whether customers like expensive prechosen programs, or cheap choose-it -yourself entertainment, Netflix is quickly becoming the champion. Over the last six years, the online streaming provider has been in pursuit of cable TV providers and now Netflix has toppled cable TV with millions of more subscribers. In the beginning of 2017, cable TV had 48 million subscribers while Netflix advanced to 59 million, the first time the online streaming company has overtaken cable since its inception in the US. The fact that users would rather pay Netflix's lower prices, that range between $7.99 - $11.99, to cable TV's $24.00 to $85.00, for the average pricing (sometimes more than $200.00 for the work). Clearly, with millions of subscribers choosing Netflix, cable TV will have to alter its pricing or become the new Blockbuster.
Dry Drowning
Last week, a Texas family lost their four-year-old due to an extremely rare fatality.
- Typically, you want to spell out numbers that are less than ten, I changed “by” to “due to” because the phrasing was awkward; Last week, a Texas family lost their 4-year old child by an extremely rare fatality.
The boy was playing in the water when a wave knocked him over.
- You don’t need a comma, I changed “the child” to “him” because you used “the boy” at the beginning of the sentence; The boy was playing in the water, when a wave knocked the child over
After a few days, the child developed diarrhea, vomiting, and a pain in his should; unfortunately, within a few days he stopped breathing and died.
- I moved the use of “unfortunately” to the second part of the sentence to keep up with the sequence of events, the comma is needed after “After a few days”, good use of semi-colon, I replaced the second “the child” with “him” because you already have “the child” in the first part of the sentence; Unfortunately, after a few days the child developed diarrhea,vomiting, and a pain in his shoulder; within a few days later the child stopped breathing and died.
The condition that the child had was called “pulmonary edema,” resulting from fluid build-up in the lungs, thus making it harder for oxygen to come into the body.
- put quotations around the disease to show that it’s a name for something, resulting instead of results because the disease IS resulting, “making it harder for oxygen” instead of “making oxygen harder” because oxygen is what’s having a harder time; The condition that the child had was called pulmonary edema, results from a fluid build-up in the lungs,thus making oxygen harder to come into the body.
There are two different types of atypical drownings: dry drowning, which occurs immediately or shortly after the water inhalation incident, and secondary drowning, which can occur between one and 24 hours after the incident.
- Space after a colon, comma when interjecting a sentence with more details, and since you are only listing two things, you need an “and” before the second half of the list; There are two different types of atypical drownings:dry drowning which occurs immediately or shortly after the water inhalation incident, secondary drowning which can occur between one and 24 hours after the incident.
The symptoms from secondary or dry drowning are: troubled breathing, coughing, sleepiness, drop in energy level, chest pain, and vomiting.
Parents can avoid dry drowning by teaching their kids about water safety, taking their kids to swimming lessons, and watching their children very closely.
- Take out the “All in all,” it’s unnecessary. Since this is your closing sentence, wrap it up by clarifying what “this” is, specify who is taking the swimming lessons, and specify who “them” is; All in all, parents can avoid this by teaching their kids about water safety, taking swimming lessons, and watching them very closely.
Dry Drowning
Last week, a Texas family lost their four-year-old due to an extremely rare fatality. The boy was playing in the water when a wave knocked him over. After a few days, the child developed diarrhea, vomiting, and a pain in his should; unfortunately, within a few days he stopped breathing and died. The condition that the child had was called “pulmonary edema,” resulting from fluid build-up in the lungs, thus making it harder for oxygen to come into the body. There are two different types of atypical drownings: dry drowning, which occurs immediately or shortly after the water inhalation incident, and secondary drowning, which can occur between one and 24 hours after the incident. The symptoms from secondary or dry drowning are: troubled breathing, coughing, sleepiness, drop in energy level, chest pain, and vomiting. Parents can avoid dry drowning by teaching their kids about water safety, taking their kids to swimming lessons, and watching their children very closely.
~Edited By: Kaitlyn Crow
Dry Drowning
Last week, a Texas family lost their 4-year old child by an extremely rare fatality. The boy was playing in the water, when a wave knocked the child over. Unfortunately, after a few days the child developed diarrhea,vomiting, and a pain in his shoulder; within a few days later the child stopped breathing and died.The condition that the child had was called pulmonary edema, results from a fluid build-up in the lungs,thus making oxygen harder to come into the body.There are two different types of atypical drownings:dry drowning which occurs immediately or shortly after the water inhalation incident, secondary drowning which can occur between one and 24 hours after the incident.The symptoms from secondary or dry drowning are: troubled breathing, coughing, sleepiness,drop in energy level, chest pain, and vomiting.All in all, parents can avoid this by teaching their kids about water safety, taking swimming lessons, and watching them very closely.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/secondary-and-dry-drowning
The Super Speed Boat
China has created a new amphibious armored car that is the fastest in the world.
- Verb tense: present tense because they’ve created it in the present and it’s still here; China had created a new amphibious armored car that is the fastest in the world.
The North China Institute of Vehicle Research has built a 4x4 armored fighting vehicle (AFV) that can reach the speed of 31 mph.
- Took “created” out because you used it in the previous sentence, always surround your parentheticals with spaces; The North China Institute of Vehicle Research has created and built a 4x4 armored fighting vehicle(AFV) that can reach the speed of 31 mph.
The casing of the AFV has a v-shaped hull, which helps let the car reach the speed of 31 mph and gives a good protection from impoverished explosive devices (IEDs).
- Took out “also” because it was redundant, add a space before your parenthesis; The casing of the AFV has a v-shaped hull, which helps let the car reach the speed of 31 mph and also gives a good protection from impoverished explosive devices(IEDs).
This armored car, about 5.5 tons without armor or weapons, is lightweight, which made the car go so fast.
- Avoid using parentheticals to explain things; This armored car is light-weight (about 5.5 tons without armor or weapons)which makes the car so fast.
It can also deploy Chinese hovercrafts, like the Type 726 and the Type 071, on its landing platform dock.
- Use commas to separate your example from the rest of the sentence, use its instead of their because you used “it” earlier in the sentence; It can also deploy Chinese hovercrafts like the Type 726 and the Type 071 on their landing platform dock.
In conclusion, the Chinese have created this boat to an amazing significance, which makes the American armored car look terrible.
The Super Speed Boat
China has created a new amphibious armored car that is the fastest in the world. The North China Institute of Vehicle Research has built a 4x4 armored fighting vehicle (AFV) that can reach the speed of 31 mph. The casing of the AFV has a v-shaped hull, which helps let the car reach the speed of 31 mph and gives a good protection from impoverished explosive devices (IEDs). This armored car, about 5.5 tons without armor or weapons, is lightweight, which made the car go so fast. It can also deploy Chinese hovercrafts, like the Type 726 and the Type 071, on its landing platform dock. In conclusion, the Chinese have created this boat to an amazing significance, which makes the American armored car look terrible.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/china-building-worlds-fastest-amphibious-fighting-vehicle
~Edited by Kaitlyn Crow
The Super Speed Boat
China had created a new amphibious armored car that is the fastest in the world.The North China Institute of Vehicle Research has created and built a 4x4 armored fighting vehicle(AFV) that can reach the speed of 31 mph.The casing of the AFV has a v-shaped hull, which helps let the car reach the speed of 31 mph and also gives a good protection from impoverished explosive devices(IEDs).This armored car is light-weight (about 5.5 tons without armor or weapons)which makes the car so fast.It can also deploy Chinese hovercrafts like the Type 726 and the Type 071 on their landing platform dock.In conclusion, the Chinese have created this boat to an amazing significance, which makes the American armored car look terrible.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/china-building-worlds-fastest-amphibious-fighting-vehicle
iCar?
Tim Cook and Apple had been working on a self-driving car in secret for years.Tim had hired more than 1,000 engineers to work on Project Titan (the car team).This was a secret project, but it couldn't hide from the public. Tim secured a permit from the California DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)in April to test out
three self-driving cars. In December, Steve Kenner, Apple's director of product integrity, gave a letter to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, which revealed Apple's interest in self-driving cars. Unfortunately, Bob Mansfield,Apple veteran, scrapped the plans of creating the car and decided to build an autonomous driving system instead.In conclusion, we might have iCars or a system that we can put into our cars by Apple.
Source: https://www.bloomberg.com/technology
An egg a day, makes you taller and larger Gaston from "Beauty and the Beast" said that as a child he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large. However, just eating one egg a day can do the same. Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other amounts of vitamins and minerals. A team of public health researchers from the US and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador.The group gathered up mother-infant pairs and separated one group with eggs and the other group without eggs. After the six month process, the kids who ate eggs were a lot taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs. Hence, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well. Source: http://www.popsci.com/eggs-help-babies-grow
