Jich's Writing Page

Some things to work on:
1. Make sure to keep your verb tense the same.
2. Work on changing up how you introduce the quotes you use from the story. Some examples include “According to the story,” "The text states,” or "The story says."
3. Try to mention which character is saying the quote, so your readers understand.
You've got this! 


 Great work on this paragraph!

Original paragraph: 

  A letter from Father made everyone happy. According to the story, it states "As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, "I've got a treat for you after supper."A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine."A letter! A letter!" This shows that everyone smiled because of the letter that arrived. Furthermore, the text states, "Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, Three cheers for Father!" his proves that everybody was elated about the letter because it had been from Father and everyone cheered.  As you can see, we can tell that everybody was excited about the letter that came from Father because they all cheered and clapped.

Edits:

A letter from Father made everyone happy. 

  Good!

According to the story, "As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, ‘I’ve got a treat for you after supper.’ A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine. ‘A letter! A letter!'” 

  Great job adding in “According to the story”! You don’t need to include “it states” too in this sentence, since you already mentioned that the quote is coming from the story.

This shows that everyone smiled because of the letter that arrived. 

  	Good!

Furthermore, the text states, "Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, ‘Three cheers for Father!’” 

  	Good! When part of the quote you want to include in your paragraph already has quotation marks in it, make sure to put double quotation marks (" ") around the whole quote and single quotation marks (' ') around the dialogue within the story. I changed this for your second sentence too.

As you can see, everybody was elated about the letter because it had been from Father and everyone cheered and clapped. 

  Great use of the word “elated”! Also, your last two sentences were very similar, so I combined them into one sentence to reduce repetition.

Edited paragraph:

A letter from Father made everyone happy. According to the story, "As they gathered about the table, Mrs. March said, with a particularly happy face, ‘I’ve got a treat for you after supper.’ A quick, bright smile went round like a streak of sunshine. ‘A letter! A letter!” This shows that everyone smiled because of the letter that arrived. Furthermore, the text states, "Beth clapped her hands, regardless of the biscuit she held, and Jo tossed up her napkin, crying, ‘Three cheers for Father!’” As you can see, everybody was elated about the letter because it had been from Father and everyone cheered and clapped.

Original paragraph: 

  Beth is scared of people watching her opening her bundles. The text states "I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles," This shows that Beth was scared of people staring at her while she opens her bundles because she said it was dreadful. Beth was also scared of people marching toward her with presents. The text states "I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss." This proves Beth was scared because she was frightened. All in all, Beth was scared of people staring at her while she opens her bundles and people marching toward her with presents.

Edits:

Beth was scared of people watching her open her packages. 

   Edited for verb tense and word choice; Make sure to keep your verb tense the same throughout. You had past tense everywhere else, so I changed “is” to “was.” I also changed “opening” to “open.” Lastly, because you used the word “bundles” was used in the direct quote, I used its synonym “packages” for this sentence.

In the story, Beth says, "I liked the things and the kisses, but it was dreadful to have you sit looking at me while I opened the bundles.” 

   Remember to use different ways to introduce your quotes, and mention the character who said the quote. I edited in “In the story, Beth says,” in place of “The text states.”

This shows that Beth was scared of people staring at her while she opens her bundles because she said it was dreadful. 

   Good!

Beth was also scared of people marching toward her with presents. 

   Good!

Beth also says, "I used to be so frightened when it was my turn to sit in the chair with the crown on and see you all come marching round to give the presents, with a kiss." 

   Like I said in response to your second sentence, remember to use the character’s name right before the quote.

This also proves Beth was scared because she was frightened to see the people come toward her with presents. 

   Edited for clarification; Don’t forget to say what Beth was frightened about here! I added in that she was frightened “to see the people come toward her with presents.”

All in all, Beth was scared of people staring at her while she opens her bundles and people marching toward her with presents. 

   Good!


Original paragraph: 

   Beth says that her life is the hardest because she has to do the dishes and keep things tidy. The text states, "It's naughty to fret, but I do think washing dishes and keeping things tidy is the worst work in the world." This shows that Beth says her life is the most tedious because she has to make the house clean and clean the dishes. Amy also said her life was the hardest because she has to go to school with impertinent girls who insult you if you don't study your lessons,make fun of your dresses, tell if your father is wealthy, and tease how your nose looks. The text states, "For you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls,who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich, and insult you when your nose isn't nice." This proves that Amy has the most gnarly life because she has to go through girls making fun of her at school. As you can see, Beth and Amy both say that they have the most tedious life.

Edits:

      • Beth says that her life is the hardest because she has to do housework.
    Amazing job at changing up your wording in your different sentences, so they aren’t as repetitive! Here, I changed “do the dishes and keep things tidy” to “housework,” because even though your wording is different from the next two sentences, we want to keep your first sentence more simple, and give the details through the quote.
      • According to the story, Beth says, "It's naughty to fret, but I do think washing dishes and keeping things tidy is the worst work in the world." 
    Good job keeping “the text states” in present tense! Now, try to change up how you introduce the text quotes in your different sentences. Some examples include “According to the story,” "The text states,” or "The story says." Also try to mention which character is saying the quote, so your readers understand.
      • This shows that Beth thinks her life is the most tedious because she has to clean the dishes and make the house neat. 
    I changed "Beth says" to "Beth thinks" because it is a stronger verb here. I also rearranged “clean the dishes” and “make the house clean” to match the order you (and the story) mentioned them in your first and second sentences. Lastly, "make the house clean" to "make the house neat," because it fits better since you used "clean" with dishes.
      • Amy also says her life is the hardest because she has to go to school with rude girls.
    Remember to keep the same verb tense throughout the paragraph. You wrote in present tense everywhere else, so I changed “said” to “says.” Also, great job of not repeating the wording of your quote in how you answer the question! One thing to work on is letting your quotes speak for themselves, so like I did in my edits for your first sentence about Beth, I simplified this sentence to just "to school with rude girls."
      • In the text, Amy says, "I don't believe any of you suffer as I do, for you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls, who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich, and insult you when your nose isn't nice." 
    Like in your second sentence, I added the character’s name before the quote.
      • This proves that Amy thinks she has the hardest life because she has to deal with girls making fun of her at school. 
    Great job! You summed up all of Amy’s experiences at school as being made fun of. Exactly! This is a great way to avoid repetition. Also, I like how you have used synonyms for “hard” throughout your paragraph, but here, “gnarly” is an informal word. What about using “difficult” instead? Lastly, your quote proves that Amy thinks and says she has the hardest life, but it doesn't actually prove she has the hardest life. So I added in "Amy thinks she has."
      • As you can see, Beth and Amy both say that they have the most tedious lives.
    “Life” should be plural, because it corresponds to “they,” so I changed it to “lives.”

Overall comments:

Already I see so much improvement in your writing! I recommend proofreading your paragraph and paying attention to the verb tense. Also, try to let your quote speak for itself. By this, I mean let the quote give the details that support your claim, and try not to restate the quote in the sentence before it. You could even just say, “Beth says that her life is the hardest.” And for the sentence about Amy, you could say, “Amy also says her life is the hardest.” Keep up the great work!

Edited paragraph:

Beth says that her life is the hardest because she has to do housework. According to the story, Beth says, "It's naughty to fret, but I do think washing dishes and keeping things tidy is the worst work in the world." This shows that Beth thinks her life is the most tedious because she has to clean the dishes and make the house neat. Amy also says her life is the hardest because she has to go to school with rude girls. In the text, Amy says, "I don't believe any of you suffer as I do, for you don't have to go to school with impertinent girls, who plague you if you don't know your lessons, and laugh at your dresses, and label your father if he isn't rich, and insult you when your nose isn't nice." This proves that Amy thinks she has the hardest life because she has to deal with girls making fun of her at school. As you can see, Beth and Amy both say that they have the most tedious lives.




Original paragraph: I would describe Demi as a shy boy. The text stated "A quiet, quaint boy was Demu, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children." This shows Demi was shy because when you are quiet or quaint, it means you don't like talking, which means the same as being shy. I would also describe Demi as imaginative. The text stated "Very fond of books, and full of lively fancies, born of a strong imagination and a spiritual nature, these traits made his parents anxious to balance them with useful knowledge and healthful society, lest they should make him one of those pale precocious children who amaze and delight a family sometimes, and fade away like hot-house flowers, because the young soul blooms too soon, and has not a hearty body to root it firmly in the wholesome soil of this world." This proves that Demi is imaginative because he had a strong imagination, which means you imagine a lot or that you are imaginative. As you can see Demi is imaginative and shy because he had a good animation and because he was quiet and quaint.

Corrections:

      • I would describe Demi as a shy boy.
      Good!
      • The text states, "A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children." 
      Good quote! Make sure to keep your verbs about the text quotes in present tense, so I edited in “states” instead of “stated.” Using present tense when talking about what the book states is something many adults don’t even remember, and if you use it, your writing will be very impressive!
      • This shows Demi was shy because he was quiet and quaint, which means he didn't like talking.
      Edited for repetition; You don’t need to say “shy” twice in the sentence, so I took out the second “shy.” I also took out the times you said “you,” to make the sentence all about Demi.
      • I would also describe Demi as imaginative. 
      Very good word choice!
      • The text states that Demi was ”Very fond of books, and full of lively fancies, born of a strong imagination and a spiritual nature.”
     The quote you chose was very long. Try to use only the parts of the text sentence that support your claim. You claim that Demi is imaginative, so I left that part of the quote in, and took out the part about how his parents were raising him.
      • This proves that Demi had a powerful imagination.
      Edited for repetition; Because your quote already said Demi has a “strong imagination,” try to find a synonym, such as “powerful.”
      • As you can see, Demi was shy and imaginative because he was quiet and quaint and because he had a powerful imagination.
      Edited for sentence structure and verb tense; Make sure to keep the parts of your last sentence in the same order as you talked about them earlier in the paragraph. You talked about how Demi is shy before you talked about how Demi is imaginative, so I rearranged your last sentence to match. Also, you combined present and past tense in this sentence, so make sure to keep the tense the same.

Edited paragraph:

I would describe Demi as a shy boy. The text states, "A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children." This shows Demi was shy because he was quiet and quaint, which means he didn't like talking. I would also describe Demi as imaginative. The text states that Demi was ”Very fond of books, and full of lively fancies, born of a strong imagination and a spiritual nature.” This proves that Demi had a powerful imagination. As you can see, Demi was shy and imaginative because he was quiet and quaint and because he had a powerful imagination.

Comments:

Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great job describing Demi as shy and imaginative! Just make sure that you don’t repeat the same words too much, and you can search a thesaurus for synonyms if that helps you. Also, remember to keep the same tense throughout your writing. If you have any questions about writing or my edits, please type them out for me here. I am excited to see your next paragraph!

Edited by Sarah Kikel