"Fight or Flight" and Freeze
Fight and Flight are the primitive responses to humans, however freeze is another response that animals usually do.
Some humans "freeze" when they are in a threatening response, but this is involuntary.
"Our primitive brain takes over and immobilizes us. "When that happens, humans report to have little or no memory from the trauma.
This can only happen when the event is so shocking or overwhelming that the brain shuts down.
Basically, when it comes down to a dangerous situation, you can "fight and flight" or freeze.
Source:https://www.popsci.com/why-do-we-freeze-when-frightened
CTE in Football
- The title needs something more descriptive than "Football Disease." It doesn't tell the reader anything about what the passage is about. In fact, football disease could mean anything. That's why it is important to be specific and detailed. The new title "CTE in Football" gives a different light to the passage. The reader now knows what the passage will be talking about.; Football Disease
Football is a very dangerous sport that involves with uncountable injuries.
However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death: Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE, a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time.
- I decided to combine these two sentences since they are both short and simple. The first sentence remained to same then a colon was added to reveal what this injury is and what it does.; However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death. Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy(CTE) is a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time.
Football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells.
- I omitted "for example" because it seemed out of place in the sentence. The transition phrase didn't need to be there and the sentence as a whole did not need one.; For example, football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells.
Scientists said, "Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE."
- I omitted "with hard evidence" from the sentence. It seemed silly to say. All there needs to be is just "Scientists say." We know they have the evidence. And what is supposed to be "hard" about the evidence? And would the audience reading this consider the evidence to be "hard?" Also, whenever you quote in the way you did, always put a comma after "said."
- Scientists with hard evidence said " Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE."
When CTE accumulates the symptoms include: memory loss, dementia, confusion, depression, and behavioral problems.
Thus, people who have more concussions and head injuries will get this unfortunate disease.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/CTE-football-NFL-new-study Edited by Michael Morrow
CTE in Football
Football is a very dangerous sport that involves with uncountable injuries. However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death: Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE, a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time. Football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells. Scientists said, "Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE." When CTE accumulates the symptoms include: memory loss, dementia, confusion, depression, and behavioral problems. Thus, people who have more concussions and head injuries will get this unfortunate disease.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/CTE-football-NFL-new-study
Nike Looks to Sell 3-D Shoes
- It is advised to not have questions as a title. Something simple can be made from the material presented. You could use "Nike Looks to Sell 3D Shoes.";3-D Printed shoes for sale?
Nike has plans to create and mass-produce sneakers by using 3-D printers.
The printer, the Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution, can produce sneakers 10 times faster than regular productions at half the cost.
- You're missing an article after the first comma. I put in "the" to help it.; The printer, Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution, can produce sneakers 10 times faster than regular productions at half the cost.
The Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution is the world's first production-ready 3-D printer.
There is not enough information regarding what Nike will 3-D print, but Nike will most likely use it for custom or on-demand items.
- There was a wird missing between "information" and "what" so I added "regarding" to help the understanding.; There is not enough information what Nike will 3-D print, but Nike will most likely use it for custom or on-demand items.
There are other companies that are using the same printer like BMW and Johnson&Johnson.
Once Nike starts creating 3-D printed shoes, the trend of printed shoes will become popular.
Source:http://www.complex.com/sneakers/2016/05/hp-3-d-printer-jet-fusion-nike Edited by Michael Morrow
Nike Looks to Sell 3-D Shoes
Nike has plans to create and mass-produce sneakers by using 3-D printers. The printer, the Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution, can produce sneakers 10 times faster than regular productions at half the cost. The Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution is the world's first production-ready 3-D printer. There is not enough information regarding what Nike will 3-D print, but Nike will most likely use it for custom or on-demand items. There are other companies that are using the same printer like BMW and Johnson&Johnson. Once Nike starts creating 3-D printed shoes, the trend of printed shoes will become popular.
Source:http://www.complex.com/sneakers/2016/05/hp-3-d-printer-jet-fusion-nike
The Complex Diet of a Vegetarian/Vegan
- I decided to focus on the facts given and base the title off of that. In the passage, you talk about all this info and it should be reflected in the title. And do not forget to capitalize every word in the title.; Are you a real or fake vegetarian/vegan?
When it comes to a vegan or vegetarian diet, many choose two different ways of eating, either the plant diet index(PDI), the healthful plant-based diet(hPDI), or the unhealthy plant-based diet(uPDI).
In Ambika Satija's case, a postdoctoral fellow at Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health, she created an experiment of people who have a PDI or an hPDI.
- It would be beneficial to the passage if you include Satija's merit. Whenever it comes to research and scientific based work, it is very important to acknowledge a person's merit. It allows people to decide if the person is credible or not.; In Ambika Satija's case, she created an experiment of people who have a PDI or an hPDI.
From the data compiled from both diets, hPDI had a reduced risk of heart disease and attacks compared to PDI and uPDI.
- I added words in the beginning to make a smoother transition. I removed the parenthesis from the sentence as they are not needed.; From the data of both diets,(hPDI) had a reduced risk of heart disease and attacks compared to (PDI) and (uPDI).
People who ate the hPDI diet digested more foods like whole grains, nuts, fruits, and vegetables, but less of sugar foods, potatoes, animal fat, and meat.
- I tried to make the sentence more sensible. It was all most confusing to read and seemed like the writer forgot to add some words. I gave the sentence a solid introduction that properly leads into the main point.;hPDI ate more foods like whole grains, nuts, fruits, and vegetables, but less of sugar foods, potatoes, animal fat, and meat.
People shouldn't call themselves vegetarians or vegans when they eat junk foods like sugary beverages, french fries, and fake fried chicken.
- I added an apostrophe in "cant" because contractions require one. There is not too much wrong with this sentence. However, I highly recommend not sounding so "judgy" when writing. So, I fixed in a way. But I recommend you consider a revision if the sentence of omitting it from the passage.; People cant call themselves vegetarians or vegans when those people eat junk foods like sugary beverages, french fries, and fake fried chicken.
Thus, individuals must choose wisely of what is eaten and drunken to sustain a healthy vegetarian/vegan diet.
- In this situation, I don't think it's important to use "you" in the sentence. Especially, when you never acknowledged the "you" prior to the closing sentence besides the title. I revised it to make it sound less targeted and more general.
- Thus, you must choose wisely of what you eat and drink to sustain a healthy vegetarian/vegan diet.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/vegetarian-vegan-not-always-healthy Edited by Michael Morrow
The Complex Diet of a Vegetarian/Vegan
When it comes to a vegan or vegetarian diet, many choose two different ways of eating, either the plant diet index(PDI), the healthful plant-based diet(hPDI), or the unhealthy plant-based diet(uPDI). In Ambika Satija's case, a postdoctoral fellow at Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health, she created an experiment of people who have a PDI or an hPDI. From the data compiled from both diets, hPDI had a reduced risk of heart disease and attacks compared to PDI and uPDI. People who ate the hPDI diet digested more foods like whole grains, nuts, fruits, and vegetables, but less of sugar foods, potatoes, animal fat, and meat. People shouldn't call themselves vegetarians or vegans when they eat junk foods like sugary beverages, french fries, and fake fried chicken. Thus, individuals must choose wisely of what is eaten and drunken to sustain a healthy vegetarian/vegan diet.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/vegetarian-vegan-not-always-healthy
Ravens: Terrifyingly Smart
- I chose this title because I thought it would be okay to add both elements of the fact the the birds are smart while being scary. ; Ravens:One of the Smartest Animals
When it comes to thinking of ravens, many are either terrified or annoyed by these birds.
However, these "terrifying" birds are a lot smarter than we thought.
- I made a small revision here, I removed "they were." I felt that these were just extra unnecessary words. You still have the same message as the original.; However, these "terrifying" birds are a lot smarter than we thought they were.
Ravens can solve puzzles, use animals to their disposal, and communicate with each other.
- I made some corrections in this sentence: you used "there" instead of "their" and you used the wrong form of "dispose." In this case, you should be using "disposal" and not "disposable." I think this sentence needs help. Yiu could insert another sentence talking about how they do these things. Or you can add more detail in this sentence. What kind of puzzles? How do they use other animals? What ways do they communicate with each other that are different from other birds?; Ravens can solve puzzles, use animals to there disposable, and communicate with each other.
Two scientists at Lund University, in Sweden, examined the behavior of some ravens and found an incredible discovery.
- I added two commas in the sentence to make an appositive. I changed "tested on" into "examined the behavior of" to give this piece a more scientific feel to it. PLus, it is not as simple as the original while not being over complicated.; Two scientists at Lund University in Sweden tested on some ravens and found an incredible discovery.
In the experiment, the ravens had the choice of a tiny food crumb or a tool, they would rather use the tool to open a container of more food.
- I switched word choices in this sentence. Instead of "a choosing", I used "the choice." And to match I changed "and" to "or."; In the experiment, the ravens had a choosing of a tiny food crumb and a tool, they would rather use the tool to open a container of more food.
In conclusion, these ravens should not be feared but should be admired for their intelligence.
- I changed the ending of the sentence to match the rest of the passage. This passage is geared towards their intelligence and not about respect. I think it is more about admiration than respect and if you think about, respect comes with admiration.; In conclusion, these ravens should not be feared but should receive respect from all humans.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/ravens-smart-plan-ahead
Edited by Michael Morrow
Ravens: Terrifyingly Smart When it comes to thinking of ravens, many are either terrified or annoyed by these birds. However, these "terrifying" birds are a lot smarter than we thought. Ravens can solve puzzles, use animals to their disposal, and communicate with each other. Two scientists at Lund University, in Sweden, examined the behavior of some ravens and found an incredible discovery. In the experiment, the ravens had the choice of a tiny food crumb or a tool, they would rather use the tool to open a container of more food. In conclusion, these ravens should not be feared but should be admired for their intelligence.
Moon Express Coming Soon
Moon Express is hoping to be the first commercial company to land on the Moon and win the $20 million XPrize.
- I omitted "a company" from the sentence because it's not needed. However, you can more detailed information in that space, if you want. Instead of saying "a company," you could say "a Silicon Valley company" or "a company ran by space entrepreneurs."; Moon Express, a company, is hoping to be the first commercial company to land on the Moon and win the $20 million XPrize.
Not only that, Moon Express also has plans for building a robotic outpost on the Moon by 2020.
Moon Express is assembling three different robots for three different missions: the first, "Lunar Scout" will launch this year and it will dispatch a small telescope and a laser range finder to achieve the prize of $20 million, the second, called "Lunar Outpost" will inspect the frozen water and minerals in and on the Moon, the third robot, "Harvest Moon", will extract samples of the Moon and will be used for scientific purposes.
Like many other experiences with space equipment, the price of materials is expensive so the company is hoping to receive federal funding for the project.
- I changed some of the word choices in this sentence. The second half seemed like it was missing a word, so I revised it. Instead of saying "very high," I replaced it with "expensive" which is less cliche than the latter. If you know at least an estimate on the cost of the materials, you can add that. Plus, I removed "Moon Express" because there is no need to repeat it multiple times. Especially when it is the only company being mentioned.; Like many other experiences with space equipment, the price of creating is very high so Moon Express is hoping to receive federal funding for the project.
However, if Moon Express does not receive the necessary funding, then there will be cost overruns and delays.
- I just wanted to rewrite the phrasing in this sentence. I changed the tone to give it a more urgent sound.; However, if Moon Express is not funded then there will be cost overruns and delays.
In conclusion, with help from others, Moon Express will achieve the goal of winning the XPrize competition and going into space.
- Even though I revised the conclusion of this passage, I very much recommend you rewriting this closer sentence. Your sentence says something different than what is discussed above. You never mentioned other big businesses and never established how they will be well known. So, I think you should brain storm on a more cohesive conclusion.; In conclusion, big businesses are competing to go to space and the company Moon Express will achieve that goal and will be well known.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/moon-express-lunar-outpost Edited by Michael Morrow
Moon Express Coming Soon Moon Express is hoping to be the first commercial company to land on the Moon and win the $20 million XPrize. Not only that, Moon Express also has plans for building a robotic outpost on the Moon by 2020. Moon Express is assembling three different robots for three different missions: the first, "Lunar Scout" will launch this year and it will dispatch a small telescope and a laser range finder to achieve the prize of $20 million, the second, called "Lunar Outpost" will inspect the frozen water and minerals in and on the Moon, the third robot, “Harvest Moon", will extract samples of the Moon and will be used for scientific purposes. Like many other experiences with space equipment, the price of materials is expensive so the company is hoping to receive federal funding for the project. However, if Moon Express does not receive the necessary funding, then there will be cost overruns and delays. In conclusion, with help from others, Moon Express will achieve the goal of winning the XPrize competition and going into space.
Giving Happiness
Scientists recently studied that giving makes us happy.
Zurich scientists organized a 50-person experiment which tested patients and examined their happiness levels after acts of generosity.
- With this sentence, I decided the reword and reorganize it. The original had a lot of unnecessary words that were taken out. I don’t think it was really important to say the experiment was conducted “at a lab.” Since scientists were involved with the study, it's already implied that the setting is in a lab or in that similar setting.; Scientists organized an experiment with 50 people at a lab in Zurich who tested the patients and examined their happiness levels after acts of generosity.
After each test, the patients’ brains would be examined with an MRI scan in which the scientists discovered that an area of the brain was triggered and would give a response to another part of the brain.
- This is another revised sentence where I switched phrases in the sentence. I replaced the first “and” with “in which.” I did it to cut down on how many times “and” is being used and make the sentence much clearer.; After each test, the scientists would examine the test patients’ brains with an MRI scan and discovered that an area of the brain was triggered and gave a response to another part of the brain.
The scientists created a scenario where two distinct groups were either to spend money for others or to spend on themselves.
- This was a good sentence, however I just made different word choices. The word “different” can be omitted or possibly replaced with “distinct” or “separate.”; The scientists created a scenario that two different groups were either to spend money for others or to spend on themselves.
The group that spent money on others was happier than the other group that only spent on themselves.
Therefore, spending money on others will make you happy and create a triggered response to different parts of the brain.
- I recommend changing "thus" to "therefore" as the transition of your closing sentence. "Therefore" is normally a better closer than "thus" and signifies the end.; Thus, spending money on others will make you happy and create a triggered response to different parts of the brain.
Source:https://www.seeker.com/health/mind/happiness-from-being-generous-has-a-neural-basis-within-the-brain
Edited by Michael Morrow
Giving Happiness Scientists recently studied that giving makes us happy. Zurich scientists organized a 50-person experiment which tested patients and examined their happiness levels after acts of generosity. After each test, the patients’ brains would be examined with an MRI scan in which the scientists discovered that an area of the brain was triggered and would give a response to another part of the brain. The scientists created a scenario where two distinct groups were either to spend money for others or to spend on themselves. The group that spent money on others was happier than the other group that only spent on themselves. Therefore, spending money on others will make you happy and create a triggered response to different parts of the brain.
Is Immortality Good or Bad?
- I wanted to title more catchy while being straight to the point. That's what I came up with. I think on this subject topic, you can get very creative with the title.; Living Longer: Good or Bad?
We, as humans, have always wanted to live longer.
- I added the commas and “as” to the sentence. This is a moment where you could use commas because if left as is, it wouldn't make since. Another suggestion is saying "As humans, we have always wanted to live longer."; We humans have always wanted to live longer.
With many ways to live longer and life expectancy already varies greatly, but we won’t become immortal.
- I feel like this sentence was missing something to really connect the first and second half of the sentence. I tried adding to the first half of the sentence, but don't be afraid to go back into your source and see what changes you can make.; Life expectancy already varies greatly, but we won’t become immortal.
There are many ethical reasons that humans shouldn’t live longer than regular expectancy.
One concern is that if there is a method to live longer, not everyone can have the money to pay for either the procedure or medicine.
- I just changed "way" to "method" to avoid being cliche.; One concern is that if there is a way to live longer, not everyone can have the money to pay for either the procedure or medicine.
Another example is, lifespan extension can change the way of political, social change, inheritance, and other important factors of life.
- Instead of using "more" at the end if the sentence, I changed it to a more specific version of "more." Since these elements you list are important to life, you can address them as such.; Another example is, lifespan extension can change the way of political, social change, inheritance, and more.
In conclusion, if we are able to live longer, there will be many complications for humans all over the world.
- I changed a few words in the sentence while still conveying the same message. So, you won't have to be repetitive, I omitted "ethical problems" and put in "complications." The new words broaden the view just beyond the ethics.; In conclusion, if we do live longer, there will be many ethical problems for humans all over the world.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/ethics-living-longer Edited by Michael Morrow
Is Immortality Good or Bad? We, as humans, have always wanted to live longer. With many ways to live longer and life expectancy already varies greatly, but we won’t become immortal. There are many ethical reasons that humans shouldn’t live longer than regular expectancy. One concern is that if there is a method to live longer, not everyone can have the money to pay for either the procedure or medicine. Another example is, lifespan extension can change the way of political, social change, inheritance, and other important factors of life. In conclusion, if we are able to live longer, there will be many complications for humans all over the world.
Engineering with Replicas to Save Dams
Michael Johnson, Utah State University hydraulics engineering professor, and other engineers created the Oroville Dam replica.
- Originally, I put "Michael Johnson" is enclosed in commas but didn't like the way it was shown. Normally in work like this, the person's name is first and their title is in commas.; Utah State University hydraulics engineering professor Michael Johnson and other engineers created the Oroville Dam replica
Michael Johnson created this dam replica to examine one of two channels that run the width of the spillway to allow air into the water to prevent bubble formations that can damage the concrete spillway of the real dam.
These new channels, called aerators, cost $300 million to reconstruct and will be applied by November when the winter rains and snow come to increase the water's volume in the dam.
- I just made a small change at the end. I switched the words around and removed some while keeping the same meaning.; These new channels, called aerators, cost $300 million to reconstruct and will be applied by November when the winter rains and snow come to increase the volume of the water in the dam.
The simulation of the 100-foot (30-meter) long replica, that took 40 days to build, begins with a crew member opening a large valve that sends water down a chute modeled after the spillway and crashing into blocks that disperse and send waves to a replica of the river.
- I enclosed "that took 40 days to build" in commas. That was like side information or an appositive which always are separated in the sentence by commas. And I removed "it" at the end, it was not needed. ; The simulation of the 100-foot (30-meter) long replica that took 40 days to build begins with a crew member opening a large valve that sends water down a chute modeled after the spillway and crashing into blocks that disperse it and send it in waves to a replica of the river.
With the help of the simulation, hydrologists can calculate the velocity of the water and track down how much air is going into the water, which can lead to the complete testing of the aerators.
- With this sentence, I just wanted to "polish" it. Change phrasing and words to make it more appealing. For example, I gave the transition some help.; With this simulation, hydrologists can calculate the velocity of the water and track down how much air is going into the water, which leads up to the complete testing of the aerators.
By utilizing this new type of technology, there will be fewer floods, evacuations, and less anxiety about the disastrous effects of inefficient dams.
- The beginning of this sentence or the one before it can be changed. If you already used it once, there no need to use it twice. So, I found a replacement for this beginning transition. And I thought "inefficient" would be a better word than "faulty."; With this new type of technology, there will be fewer floods, evacuations, and less anxiety about the disastrous effects of faulty dams.
Sources: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/jun/26/engineers-use-replica-to-pinpoint-california-dam-r/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Engineering with Replicas to Save Dams Michael Johnson, Utah State University hydraulics engineering professor, and other engineers created the Oroville Dam replica. Michael Johnson created this dam replica to examine one of two channels that run the width of the spillway to allow air into the water to prevent bubble formations that can damage the concrete spillway of the real dam. These new channels, called aerators, cost $300 million to reconstruct and will be applied by November when the winter rains and snow come to increase the water's volume in the dam. The simulation of the 100-foot (30-meter) long replica, that took 40 days to build, begins with a crew member opening a large valve that sends water down a chute modeled after the spillway and crashing into blocks that disperse and send waves to a replica of the river. With the help of the simulation, hydrologists can calculate the velocity of the water and track down how much air is going into the water, which can lead to the complete testing of the aerators. By utilizing this new type of technology, there will be fewer floods, evacuations, and less anxiety about the disastrous effects of inefficient dams.
The Health Ranger Takes on the EPA
The ever-vigilant, health conscious Mike Adams, AKA the Health Ranger, has announced that he will single-handedly assure that the U.S.'s water supply will be tested for its contaminants.
- I changed "pronounced" to "announced." "Pronounce" didn't fit with what you are trying to say; it means distinct or noticeable. I am sure "announce" will get the job done.; The ever-vigilant, health conscious Mike Adams, AKA the Health Ranger, has pronounced that he will single-handedly assure that the U.S.'s water supply will be tested for its contaminants.
Adams and his team have processed over six hundred water samples in the last year and in 2017, an additional 364 which have tested positive for heavy metals.
- I think it would be beneficial if you acknowledge who his team associates are. Are they a team of scientists? I omitted the first comma because it was not needed.; Adams and his associates have processed over six hundred water samples in the last year, and in 2017, an additional 364 which have tested positive for heavy metals.
Such metals as copper, arsenic, lead, and aluminum, a light metal, have been found in the water samples violating the EPA's water quality limits.
- I don't think you need the "heavy" in this sentence since it is still fresh in the readers' mind. I did a lot of butchering to this sentence, it had a lot going on. I shrunk it down and added that aluminum was a light metal. "with its possible neurotoxic detrimental effects" is a phrase you should keep, however, I am still figuring out how to work it in. If it is possible, can you form that phrase into a sentence?; Such heavy metals as copper, arsenic, and lead, along with aluminum, with its possible neurotoxic detrimental effects, have been found in the water samples violating the EPA's water quality limits.
Allegedly, the EPA routinely covers up such scientific evidence, refusing to tell the American people of the toxins in their drinking water.
During the testing, CWC Labs donated all of the lab time and materials for the water tests to be evaluated and the results to be produced to expose the U.S.'s toxic water supplies.
- It would be better if you say "during the testing" rather than "in the testing." Or you could say "during the testing period." Could you explain what "CWC" is? The acronym is widely used by multiple organizations. At least, spelling out the acronym will help readers.
- In the testing, CWC Labs donated all of the lab time and materials for the water tests to be evaluated and the results to be produced to expose the U.S.'s toxic water supplies.
On the Natural News website, Mike Adams has stated that "Natural News is willing to take over the nationwide testing of the water supply from the incompetent EPA... in terms of testing the national water supply." He continued with "I’m going to announce an offer to President Trump, explaining that we will test the entire national water supply and publish all the results for just $1 per year...handling up to 5,000 water samples per year for the American people."
- To give more credibility to this statement, say what the site specializes in. Or if there is access to an article where you can find the writer and their position. So, I researched the article and found that Mike Adams, himself, wrote the article. You can say "On the Natural News website, Mike Adams has stated that...";The site, Natural News, has stated that "(it) is willing to take over the nationwide testing of the water supply from the incompetent EPA... in terms of testing the national water supply" continuing with " I’m going to announce an offer to President Trump, explaining that we will test the entire national water supply and publish all the results for just $1 per year...handling up to 5,000 water samples per year for the American people"
Sources: http://naturalsciencejournal.org/ICP-MS-Analysis-364-Municipal-Water-Samples.html
Edited by Michael Morrow
The Health Ranger Takes on the EPA
The ever-vigilant, health conscious Mike Adams, AKA the Health Ranger, has announced that he will single-handedly assure that the U.S.'s water supply will be tested for its contaminants. Adams and his team have processed over six hundred water samples in the last year and in 2017, an additional 364 which have tested positive for heavy metals. Such metals as copper, arsenic, lead, and aluminum, a light metal, have been found in the water samples violating the EPA's water quality limits. Allegedly, the EPA routinely covers up such scientific evidence, refusing to tell the American people of the toxins in their drinking water. During the testing, CWC Labs donated all of the lab time and materials for the water tests to be evaluated and the results to be produced to expose the U.S.'s toxic water supplies. On the Natural News website, Mike Adams has stated that "Natural News is willing to take over the nationwide testing of the water supply from the incompetent EPA... in terms of testing the national water supply." He continued with "I’m going to announce an offer to President Trump, explaining that we will test the entire national water supply and publish all the results for just $1 per year...handling up to 5,000 water samples per year for the American people."
Russia Threatens to Target American Jets
- As straightforward as the title is, it's missing some specificity. It's just as simple as adding one word to fix it. I recommend mentioning the which country own's the jets. Who knows, a reader may mistake this title as saying that Russia is targeting the New York Jets.; Russia Threatens to Target Jets
Russia has threatened that any target operating above the Russian and Syrian airspace.
- I changed one word in this sentence "territory." The word "airspace" is the more correct term to use when talking about this situation. Territory seems like more of a grounded word.; Russia has threatened that any target operating above the Russian and Syrian territory.
The Syrian Democratic Forces, or SDF, and American warplanes launched an attack to retake a town called Ja'Din.
- I switched words around in the beginning of the sentence. It is better to introduce the whole name first, then follow it with the nickname or acronym. I recommend you say where Ja'Din is located. You could say, "...retake a town called Ja'Din located in (country here)."; The SDF (Syrian Democratic Forces) and American warplanes launched an attack to retake a town called Ja'Din.
After the attack concluded, a Syrian fighter jet launched airstrikes on SDF troops which led an American warplane to take it out.
- This revised sentence is a little shorter than the original. The original did get a little wordy. And I added a transition between "troops" and "an American" and I polished the sentence some.; After the attack had stopped, a Syrian fighter jet launched airstrikes on SDF troops, so an American warplane was sent to take it out.
That was the first air-to-air engagement between the US and Russia(?) since 1999.
- The only thing I want to pick out in the sentence is the need for a few words at the ending. So, this was the first engagement since 1999. But between who? You talk about the countries in this passage, so be more specific on who is engaged. This will also give the reader a reminder of who has issues with who.; That was the first air-to-air engagement since 1999.
In Moscow, Russian officials applied the necessary adjustments in the Syria war policy because of the shoot-down of a Syrian military aircraft by a US fighter.
- I thought it would be a better fit to say "Russian officials" rather than just the "Russians." Or another substitute could be "the Russian government officials." I thought it would be beneficial to the passage if "necessary" was added. Or instead of using "changes" you could use "amendments" or "adjustments." Sometimes, try to avoid basic overused words. Try to find some different words that have the same meaning as the original word.; In Moscow, the Russians applied the changes in the Syria war policy because of the shoot-down of a Syrian military aircraft by a US fighter
In conclusion, the Russians will try to stay cautious with the Americans attacking ISIS.
- This was a pretty good sentence, but I just added "will try" because the sentence is more of a future tense sentence. In conclusion, the Russians are trying to stay cautious with the Americans attacking ISIS.
Source: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/jun/19/russia-cuts-communications-us-syria-threatens-targ/ Edited by MichaelmMorrow
Russia Threatens to Target American Jets Russia has threatened that any target operating above the Russian and Syrian airspace. The Syrian Democratic Forces, or SDF, and American warplanes launched an attack to retake a town called Ja'Din. After the attack concluded, a Syrian fighter jet launched airstrikes on SDF troops which led an American warplane to take it out.That was the first air-to-air engagement between the US and Russia since 1999. In Moscow, Russian officials applied the necessary adjustments in the Syria war policy because of the shoot-down of a Syrian military aircraft by a US fighter. In conclusion, the Russians will try to stay cautious with the Americans attacking ISIS.
Amazon leads Whole Foods into the on-demand grocery system
- I think this title could be shorter and simpler. Readers don't want to see an eye full of a title. You should use rhetoric to catch the readers attention without overdoing it. ; Amazon buying Whole Foods to help make an easier on-demand grocery system
Amazon announced the second generation of its Dash Wand, an Alexa-enabled home barcode scanner that can add your grocery items to your AmazonFresh cart.
The company's way to improve the Dash Wand was by announcing their $13.7 billion deal to buy the Whole Foods Grocery chain, which includes 461 stores across the US, Canada, and the UK.
- I replaced "the way" with "the company's" because even though we know you're talking about Amazon, it is better to address the company while not trying to use words like "their."; The way to improve their Dash Wand was by announcing their $13.7 billion deal to buy Whole Foods Grocery chain, which includes 461 stores across the US, Canada, and the UK.
Whole Foods stores are accessible to many Americans because it is usually an hour's drive to the store, which makes Amazon's on-demand grocery delivery easier.
- I omitted "way" at the end, "easier" is enough to get the point across.; Whole Foods stores are accessible to many Americans because it is usually an hour's drive to the store, which makes Amazon's on-demand grocery delivery way easier.
Amazon created this second-generation tool because interacting with the Alexa or Echo device can be as easy as saying "Honey, we need eggs."
- I added a hyphen between "second" and "generation" because this is a compound adjective, which normally uses hyphens. I also added "tool" because it gives the item you are talking about distinction. In most cases, try to be as specific as you can.; Amazon created this second generation because interacting with the Alexa or Echo device can be as easy as saying "Honey, we need eggs."
The order will arrive to its destination in a matter of an hour or so, completely fresh, organic, and straight off the shelves of the nearest Whole Foods store.
- Some readers may question where the order is going to. Like I said, being specific is important. I think you can take that part of the sentence work with it more. You could possibly say "The order will arrive at the customer's location."
- The order will arrive in a matter of an hour or so, completely fresh, organic, and straight off the shelves of the nearest Whole Foods store.
With the new technology being created, buying groceries will be easier and faster.
- I think this conclusion has a lot more potential to be much stronger. Even though "in conclusion" is a good transition to the closing sentence, it's not needed. I omitted "a lot" because it is not really needed however I do suggest replacing it with "much more." But I think it is fine without that phrase as well. After the word "faster", I deleted the rest of the sentence. You were able to make a strong enough point in the first part of it.; In conclusion, with the new technology being created, buying groceries will be a lot easier and faster way than going outside to retrieve those groceries.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/amazon-buys-whole-foods-dash-wand Edited by Michael Morrow
Amazon Leads Whole Foods Into the On-demand Grocery System Amazon announced the second generation of its Dash Wand, an Alexa-enabled home barcode scanner that can add your grocery items to your AmazonFresh cart. The company's way to improve the Dash Wand was by announcing their $13.7 billion deal to buy the Whole Foods Grocery chain, which includes 461 stores across the US, Canada, and the UK. Whole Foods stores are accessible to many Americans because it is usually an hour's drive to the store, which makes Amazon's on-demand grocery delivery easier. Amazon created this second-generation tool because interacting with the Alexa or Echo device can be as easy as saying "Honey, we need eggs." The order will arrive to its destination in a matter of an hour or so, completely fresh, organic, and straight off the shelves of the nearest Whole Foods store. With the new technology being created, buying groceries will be easier and faster.
An Egg a Day Keeps you Big in Many A Way
- The title should be more enticing for the audience that you are trying to attract. And always capitalize each word, that is not a article or conjunction, in the title. Compared to the original title, the new, revised title does more for the summary. It mentions the main topic, the egg, and it says something about what the egg can do. Yes, the orginal title did that as well, however, when the reader sees the original, they may skip over. But when the new title is seen, it will attract their attention and almost force them to read what you have to say. So, here is a newer version of your title, "An Egg a Day Keeps you Big in Many A Way."; An egg a day, makes you taller and larger
According to Gaston, from "Beauty and the Beast", as a child, he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large.
- It would be beneficial to use "According to" at the beginning of the sentence to give the sentence more sophistication. By doing that, you will also have to add commas after "Gaston" and the second quotation marks. Plus, "said that" can be omitted and add a comma behind "child".; Gaston from, "Beauty and the Beast" said that as a child he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large.
However, just eating one egg a day can do the same.
Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other vitamins and minerals.
- "Amounts of" should be removed, it is not needed.; Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other amounts of vitamins and minerals.
A team of public health researchers from the United States and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador.
- It is helpful to the reader if you completely spell out the United States instead of using the abbreviation.; A team of public health researchers from the US and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador.
The group gathered up mother-infant pairs, separating one group with eggs and the other without eggs.
- You can remove "up" and use "gathered" by itself. I recommend removing "and separated", add a comma, then add "separating." The second "group" can be removed as well.; The group gathered up mother-infant pairs and separated one group with eggs and the other group without eggs.
After the six-month process, the kids who ate eggs were much taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs.
- You should add a hyphen between six and month. The phrase "a lot" should be replaced with "much."; After the six month process, the kids who ate eggs were a lot taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs.
Therefore, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well.
- It would better if you use "therefore" instead of "hence", it's much more known rather than hence.; Hence, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/eggs-help-babies-grow Edited by Michael Morrow
An Egg a Day Keeps you Big in Many A Way According to Gaston, from "Beauty and the Beast", as a child, he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large. However, just eating one egg a day can do the same. Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other vitamins and minerals. A team of public health researchers from the United States and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador. The group gathered up mother-infant pairs, separating one group with eggs and the other without eggs. After the six-month process, the kids who ate eggs were much taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs. Therefore, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well.
oooThere are significant problems with this article summary.ooo
Applying and playing for the NBA are 2 different things. You were supposed to read 3-4 articles and create a summary article on how to PLAY FOR THE NBA. Remember our discussion that night? You were saying that you want to play for the NBA and I said write a summary article on how you can go from where you are today to playing for the NBA. YOU DID NOT DO THIS.
How you can apply for the NBA
Many people think it is tough to get into the NBA, but they're wrong.
Big headliners, like Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram, are a lot better than the average player, but that doesn't mean the average Joe is unqualified.
- When interjecting with examples or names, you must use 2 commas. Do not use pronouns so much especially "YOU", it's not advanced writing;Big headliners, like Ben Simmons and Brandon Ingram, are a lot better than you, but that doesn't mean you're unqualified.
In order to apply for the NBA draft, you must be at least 19 years old and it's best to send a letter to the NBA informing it of your desire and eligibility for the draft months in advance.
- Do not use a quote without citing its source ( So I paraphrased the quote into the sentence);In order to apply for the NBA draft, you must be at least 19 years old and it is best to "send a letter to the league a couple months before the draft informing them of your desire to be eligible for the draft."
For example, a man named Zachary Feinstein wrote a letter and received a letter with the application forms.
Another player, an unnamed 25-year old, declared himself as an entrant for the draft, but he graduated years before he tried to sign with any team; which means no draft for him.
In conclusion, these examples of basketball players tried to go into the NBA Draft, some succeeded; yet some have at least tried to apply for the NBA.
This means you should try to apply for the NBA; you never know.
Mind Riot Evergreen State College, a small, public liberal arts institution, planned its annual "Day of Absence", but with a twist to it: white people are told to leave the campus.
- Make the topic sentence interesting, shock value is good here because it is a shocking story.
The "Day of Absence" is a "symbolic" act based on the Douglas Turner Ward play in which all black people of a Southern town don't show up one morning.
Unfortunately, this was reversed and the non-white students wanted all white students, staff, and faculty to leave the premises of the college.
- "Colored students" colored is an offensive term. Such people prefer the term "Non-white" when being written about b/c it puts it on the people they do not like, the white people.; Unfortunately, this was reversed and the colored students wanted all white students, staff, and faculty to leave the premises of the college.
One teacher, Prof.Weinstein, objected in an email to all staff and faculty saying,"On a college campus, one's right to speak -or to be- must never be based on skin color."
- Use correct appellations (honorific titles for people). Also if you start a quote with a quotation mark, you must close it with a quotation mark.; One teacher, Mr.Weinstein, objected in an email to all staff and faculty saying,"On a college campus, one's right to speak or to be- must never be based on skin color.
A month later, student mobs formed on the campus chanting "Black Power","Racist", and demanded the teacher resign.
- Formed where? on the campus. Also "teacher to resign" should be " teacher resign"; A month later, student mobs formed chanting "Black Power","Racist", and demanded (omit "for") the teacher to (omit "to")resign.
A college is an institution of higher learning, not a cauldron of racism, hate, and discord; these types of demonstrations are meant for the streets and political rallies. Colleges and universities are places of study, not racist riots, try to give a bit of your own ideas in the conclusion - everything you stated in the conclusion was already stated in the article summary you wrote, so give some wisdom as to why this is bad, what would happen if all schools were like this, how this affects the students themselves, etc...(Redo the whole sentence). Also, do not start the sentence with "In conclusion," This is a 3rd grade way of writing. One more thing, there is no subject to the sentence " Branded", who is branded? ; In conclusion, branded the teachers racist after not accepting the "Day of Absence", and struck fear into all of them.
Trump Helps Homeless Woman
For eight years, a black homeless woman had lived in Trump Tower with Trump's generosity.
The woman had been treated spectacularly, had three meals a day, had her own room, and got fresh flowers every week.
Unfortunately, all of the mainstream media make trump into a racist bigot; they don't include the good deeds that Trump had done.
The homeless woman is very displeased with the way that the media is not telling the truth of Trump's good deeds.
She also said that if trump evicted her, she would be on the streets homeless, or dead.
The homeless woman concludes that Trump is not the bad person many think he is, he's a wonderful man.
T-shirts! They're Alive!
Researchers from MIT have created a shirt that vents itself automatically in response to sweat and gives out a nice aroma.
Wen Wang, a bio-engineer and former scientist at MIT's Media Lab, experimented with two structures, latex and bacteria (B subtilis).
The two layered shirt, bacteria in the inside and latex on the outside, can absorb moisture and relax, which creates a little ventilation flap.
Unfortunately, Wang hasn't found a way to wash the clothes without killing the bacteria.
On the other hand, Wen said that there is no reason to wash the clothes because the bacteria will "eat" the remains and give out a redolent smell.
In conclusion, Wen and other researchers will perfect the bacteria t-shirt to give people a nice aroma when they work out.
- Boring concluding sentenece and concluding transitional phrase "In conclusion". Read this article and ask me questions about it:
https://www.thebalance.com/how-to-write-a-conclusion-news-article-magazine-and-more-1360734
Sources:
http://www.popsci.com/bacteria-on-this-wearable-allow-it-to-open-vents-automatically-when-you-sweat
The World's First Robot Policeman
The first operational "robot cop" was revealed in Dubai as part of the United Arab Emirates' planned robot police force.
- Unless the robot's name is Robot Cop, you should not use capital letters. Use " ", parentheses instead. You cannot just write part of a country's name, you must use its full name: United Arab Emirates; The first operational Robot Cop was revealed in Dubai as part of the emirate's
planned robot police force.***
The robot, 5ft 5in tall and weighing 100kg, can speak six different languages and can read facial expressions.
- You cannot use the indefinite article "a" without having it refer to the noun it is modifying ;The robot, a 5ft 5in tall and weighing 100kg, can speak six different languages and can read facial expressions.
This new officer of the law also comes with a built-in tablet so people can pay fines or report crimes.
- "It" is boring, liven things up with nouns and adjectives, but don't use too many; It also has built-in tablet so people can pay fines or report crimes.***
Now the robot is tech eye-candy at the Gulf Information Security Expo and Conference, but the robot will go into the real world of law enforcement and do what it's programmed to do; it will fight crime, keep the city safe, and improve happiness.
- Don't copy the words in a sentence, especially the first word or phrase, shows you have little creativity when you talk about something that something will do in the future/near future, talk about what it did in the past or in the present, it gives more info to the readers so they get a fuller understanding of the topic.;Right after the Gulf Information Security Expo and Conference, the robot will go into the world and what it's programmed to do; it will help us fight crime, keep the city safe, and improve happiness.***
A high ranking officer said, "The launch of the world's first operational Robocop is a significant milestone for the Emirates and a step towards realizing Dubai's vision to be a global leader in smart cities technology adoption."
- This guys title is too long, truncate it by writing "A high ranking officer said"; A high ranking officer said
Brigadier-General Khalid Nasser Al Razzouqi, Director-General of Smart Services with the Dubai Police said***
Surely, Robocop is a milestone for the Emirate in Dubai, but with robots on the verge of eliminating many jobs in areas such as taxis, trucking, agriculture, and many other industries, robots may be more of a problem than they are worth.
- Link this story to other stories that are happening about robotics so people will be left thinking about robots taking away jobs, enforcing law, and the scary aspect of that as well; Surely, Robocop is a milestone for the Emirate in Dubai, but it is a great leap forward for robot police forces all around the world.***
The Deadliest Fat We Eat
The movement of a single hydrogen atom from one side of a molecule to the other can create a potentially deadly substance when continuously absorbed into the body.
The transformed ingredient is called Trans Fatty Acid(trans fats), which causes heart attacks, strokes, and sudden cardiac deaths.
About 30,000 to 100,000 Americans die from excessive amounts of trans fats.
A study in some New York counties that ban Trans Fats shows in contrast to counties that do not have the ban that death rates and medical costs decrease when Trans Fats are not taken into the body.
- I can't even fix this " Many scientists and healthy and less "deadly"; Many scientists and healthy and less "deadly", which will help the premature deaths in America to decrease. ***
Based on the limited evidence, getting rid of trans fats in human diet may help people live longer and healthier.
- Don't just use Thus and Therefore, kind of boring. Use transitional phrases like "All in all, Based on..., In summation, To sum up" YOU SHOULD USE THOSE TRANSITIONAL WORDS AND PHRASES FROM THE SAT SHEETS TO WRITE THESE ARTICLE SUMMARIES***
https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/05/22/well/the-worst-fat-in-the-food-supply.html
