5/15/20
Cassin and Ali Baba are brothers. One reason why is because in the text it says"There once lived in a town of Persia two brothers, one named Cassin and the other Ali Baba. " Another reason why they are brothers is because the text says that " wo brothers, one named Cassim and the other Ali Baba." these are the reasons why Cassin and Ali Baba are brothers.
Original Version:
Cassin and Ali Baba are brothers. One reason why is because in the text it says"There once lived in a town of Persia two brothers, one named Cassin and the other Ali Baba. " Another reason why they are brothers is because the text says that " wo brothers, one named Cassim and the other Ali Baba." these are the reasons why Cassin and Ali Baba are brothers.
Corrections:
Cassim and Ali Baba are brothers.
- I corrected the spelling of “Cassim.”
The text explains the reason why, "There once lived in a town of Persia two brothers, one named Cassim and the other Ali Baba.”
- The clause before the quote is a bit clunky. To fix this, I deleted some of the words so it wouldn’t be a run-on sentence. I also corrected the spelling of “Cassim.”
Another reason is shown by Cassim’s wife, “Cassim, your brother is richer than you. He does not count his money, he measures it.”
- The second quote you gave was already used in the previous sentence, making this evidence redundant. I used another quote so the evidence would back up your point further.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why Cassim and Ali Baba are brothers.
- I added the phrase “in conclusion” so there would be more of a transition between the quote and the final sentence. I also corrected the spelling of “Cassim.”
Great work! Make sure to check your work for spelling errors, and do not use the same quote twice.
Final Version:
Cassim and Ali Baba are brothers. The text explains the reason why, "There once lived in a town of Persia two brothers, one named Cassim and the other Ali Baba.” Another reason is shown by Cassim’s wife, “Cassim, your brother is richer than you. He does not count his money, he measures it.” In conclusion, these are the reasons why Cassim and Ali Baba are brothers.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/14/20
The flax is very wise. One reason why the flax is very wise is because that the text states""but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty". Another reason why the flax is wise because the text states"By experiencing evil as well as good we become wise." These are the reasons why the flax is wise
Original Version:
The flax is very wise. One reason why the flax is very wise is because that the text states""but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty". Another reason why the flax is wise because the text states"By experiencing evil as well as good we become wise." These are the reasons why the flax is wise
Corrections:
The flax is very wise.
- Good!
One reason why the flax is very wise is he knows things the others do not. The text states, “but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty.”
- The reason for Flex being wise and the evidence you provide meshes together in one sentence. To make it easier to read, I split both clauses into two different sentences. I also edited the two sentences to improve the grammar and placed the period inside the quotation mark at the end of the quote.
Another reason why the flax is wise because he has experienced evil as well as good. According to the text, “By experiencing evil as well as good we become wise."
- I again separated the reason from the evidence to improve the flow of the paragraph. I also reworded it a bit to improve the grammar and to add a variety of word choices.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why the flax is wise.
- I added the phrase “in conclusion” to give you a transition into the conclusion. Also, you were missing a period at the end of the sentence.
Great work! Make sure to proofread for punctuation errors and run-on sentences.
Final Version:
The flax is very wise. One reason why the flax is very wise is he knows things the others do not. The text states, “but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty.” Another reason why the flax is wise because he has experienced evil as well as good. According to the text, “By experiencing evil as well as good we become wise." In conclusion, these are the reasons why the flax is wise. In conclusion, these are the reasons why the flax is wise.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/12/20
The soldiers are brothers. One reason why is because the text states There were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers . Another reason why is because the text states They were brothers for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon. These are the reasons why they were brother and my text evidence.
Original Version:
The soldiers are brothers. One reason why is because the text states There were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers. Another reason why is because the text states They were brothers for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon. These are the reasons why they were brother and my text evidence.”
Corrections:
The soldiers are brothers.
- Good!
The text states their relationship with one another “There were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers.”
- I changed the introduction to the quote because saying “one reason why is because” is unclear in its meaning, it lacks the subject of what the reason is referring to. Also, direct quotes from the text need to be punctuated with quotation marks.
The text also states “They were brothers for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon.”
- I made the introductory clause more concise so the quote could be better integrated into the sentence. I also put quotation marks around the quote itself.
In conclusion, the text evidence shows the reasons why they were brothers.
- “Brothers” needs to be plural as it refers to multiple people. Also, I edited the sentence so it would be grammatically correct and written in the third-person perspective.
Good work! Make sure to use quotation marks around the quoted material from the text.
Final Version:
The soldiers are brothers. The text states their relationship with one another “There were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers.” The text also states “They were brothers for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon.” In conclusion, the text evidence shows the reasons why they were brothers.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/8/10
The flea in the match was nice. He was nice for many reasons. One reason is because The Flea was the first to come forward. He had most exquisite manners, and bowed to the company on every side. Another reason is because "I jumped the highest, for all that," said the Flea; "but it's all the same to me "I jumped the highest, for all that," said the Flea; "but it's all the same to me. These are the reasons why the flea was nice and respectful.
Original Version:
The flea in the match was nice. He was nice for many reasons. One reason is because The Flea was the first to come forward. He had most exquisite manners, and bowed to the company on every side. Another reason is because "I jumped the highest, for all that," said the Flea; "but it's all the same to me "I jumped the highest, for all that," said the Flea; "but it's all the same to me. These are the reasons why the flea was nice and respectful.
Corrections:
The flea in the match was nice for many reasons.
- I combined the first two sentences so it would seem less repetitive.
One reason is that Flea was the first to come forward to the king.
- I added “to the king” so it would be clear about what the Flea was coming forward about. Also, “the” should not be capitalized as it is not at the beginning of the sentence or a proper noun.
According to the text, “He had most exquisite manners, and bowed to the company on every side.”
- This is a direct quote from the text, so it needs to be in quotation marks. Otherwise, it could be seen as plagiarism. I also added an introductory clause before the quotation to make it flow better.
The other reason the Flea was nice is that he acted respectfully.
- I added an explanation to the reason, so it would be clearly stated before you introduce the quote.
The text also states, "‘I jumped the highest, for all that,’ said the Flea; ‘but it's all the same to me.’”
- You copied and pasted the quote multiple times by accident, so I deleted the repeated phrases so everything was just stated once. I also added an introduction to the quote, so the reader would know it was from the text. Also, when there are quotation marks inside a quote, use single quotation marks.
These are the reasons why the Flea was nice and respectful.
- Good! I just capitalized “Flea” as it is used as a proper noun in the story.
Final Version:
The flea in the match was nice for many reasons. One reason is that Flea was the first to come forward to the king. According to the text, “He had most exquisite manners, and bowed to the company on every side.” The other reason the Flea was nice is that he acted respectfully. The text also states, "‘I jumped the highest, for all that,’ said the Flea; ‘but it's all the same to me.’” These are the reasons why the Flea was nice and respectful.
Great work! Just make sure to check your work for capitalization errors and add transition phrases.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/6/2020
The tree grows very fast and it get old and sick very fast. One reason why is because A rose tree stood in the window. But a little while ago it had been green and fresh, and now it looked sickly. Another reason why is because " He was but three days old, and yet he was already a grandfather. These are the reasons why it grows old and turns sick very fast.
Original Version:
The tree grows very fast and it get old and sick very fast. One reason why is because A rose tree stood in the window. But a little while ago it had been green and fresh, and now it looked sickly. Another reason why is because " He was but three days old, and yet he was already a grandfather. These are the reasons why it grows old and turns sick very fast.
Corrections:
The tree grows very fast and it gets old and sick very fast.
- The use of “very” was a bit repetitive, so I rephrased the sentence and used a variety of words.
One reason is that it sat by the window. According to the text, “A rose tree stood in the window. But a little while ago it had been green and fresh, and now it looked sickly.”
- You connected the reason with the quote. I split this up into two sentences. I also added quotation marks around the quote, otherwise, it could be seen as plagiarism.
Another reason the tree ages fast is by how much it grows over a few days. The text states, “" He was but three days old, and yet he was already a grandfather.”
- I did the same sort of edit with this sentence. I separated it into two paragraphs and added more of an explanation to what the second reason is for it growing quickly. I did this so the reader was clearer on your second piece of evidence.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why the tree grows old and gets sick very fast.
- I added a transition clause in the conclusion sentence. I also edited the sentence to improve the grammar.
Great work! Remember to use a variety of words to avoid repetition, and begin and end your quotes with quotation marks.
Final Version:
The tree grows very fast and it gets old and sick very fast. One reason is that it sat by the window. According to the text, “A rose tree stood in the window. But a little while ago it had been green and fresh, and now it looked sickly.” Another reason the tree ages fast is by how much it grows over a few days. The text states, “He was but three days old, and yet he was already a grandfather.” In conclusion, these are the reasons why the tree grows old and gets sick very fast.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/5/2020
The sunshine is a very thoughtful person. One reason is because that she said silence and they listened to her wind was going to tell a story but she said on and she said;"The feather fell upon the light curly hair of a young man whose business it was to care for the goods in the ship the supercargo he was called. The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead became a pen in his hand and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman's shield, on which said the Sunshine "I shone."" This made her stop the fight.
Original Version:
The sunshine is a very thoughtful person. One reason is because that she said silence and they listened to her wind was going to tell a story but she said on and she said;"The feather fell upon the light curly hair of a young man whose business it was to care for the goods in the ship the supercargo he was called. The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead became a pen in his hand and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman's shield, on which said the Sunshine "I shone."" This made her stop the fight.
Corrections:
The character Sunshine is very thoughtful.
- In the text, sunshine is capitalized because it’s a character. I edited this sentence to reflect that.
Sunshine tells the others to be quiet and listen to her story, showing she is thoughtful.
- I capitalized the word sunshine and edited the sentence to improve the grammar.
In the text, Sunshine says, “‘I will speak myself,’ said the Sunshine. ‘Silence!’ and the Sunshine said it with such glory and majesty that the weary Wind fell prostrate.”
- The quotation you used is too long, so I used a shorter one that connects to the opening sentence better. I also added an introductory clause to introduce the quote.
In conclusion, Sunshine stops the fight in the story by being thoughtful and speaking her mind.
- I edited the last sentence to improve the conclusion. In a conclusion sentence, make sure you wrap up your ideas clearly. The last sentence in the original version lacked context.
Good job! Make sure to choose evidence from the text that is appropriate, matching the point you are trying to make.
Final Version:
The character Sunshine is very thoughtful. Sunshine tells the others to be quiet and listen to her story, showing she is thoughtful. In the text, Sunshine says, “‘I will speak myself,’ said the Sunshine. ‘Silence!’ and the Sunshine said it with such glory and majesty that the weary Wind fell prostrate.” In conclusion, Sunshine stops the fight in the story by being thoughtful and speaking her mind.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/1/2020 The burdock tree is a big tree. One reason is because The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock. Another reason why is because Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella . These are the reasons why the burdock tree is a big tree.
Original Version:
The burdock tree is a big tree. One reason is because The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock. Another reason why is because Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella . These are the reasons why the burdock tree is a big tree.
Corrections:
The burdock tree is a big tree.
- Good!
According to the text, “The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock.”
- This line is direct from the text. You can’t use the same words from the text unless you are using it as a quote. I did that here, so it wouldn’t be considered plagiarism.
The tree is so large, that it could function as an umbrella. The text states “Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella.”
- Again, this was originally plagiarized from the text. I reworded the sentence and used a quote to back this up.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why the burdock tree is a big tree.
- I edited the sentence by adding an introductory phrase, to help transition into the conclusion.
Good job. However, make sure not to plagiarize. Use quotations from the text as evidence, but make sure not to take a word for word sentences from it without quotation marks.
Final Version:
The burdock tree is a big tree. According to the text, “The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock.” The tree is so large, that it could function as an umbrella. The text states “Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella.” In conclusion, these are the reasons why the burdock tree is a big tree.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
4/29/2020
The little mermaid is the youngest among all her sisters. She is thoughtful and caring. One reason why she is thoughtful and beautiful is because She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful. Another reason why she is also the prettiest of all is because They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf These are the reasons why the youngest is the most beautiful and also the most caring and thoughtful.
Original Version:
The little mermaid is the youngest among all her sisters. She is thoughtful and caring. One reason why she is thoughtful and beautiful is because She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful. Another reason why she is also the prettiest of all is because They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf These are the reasons why the youngest is the most beautiful and also the most caring and thoughtful.
Corrections:
The little mermaid is the youngest among all her sisters and is thoughtful and caring.
- I combined the first two sentences to make the opening statement more concise.
One reason that she differs from her sisters is because of her curiosity.
- This sentence doesn’t flow well, it seems like two sentences jammed together. It also repeats words that you already used in previous sentences. I shortened and reworded it.
Another reason why she contrasts her sisters is because of her beauty. Out of six beautiful children, the youngest was considered to be the prettiest. According to the text, “her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf.”
- The original sentence was too long, creating a run-on sentence. I separated the clauses into their own sentences. You also used words from the text, so I added a direct quotation. This makes it so someone can’t mistake it for plagiarism.
In conclusion, the youngest is the most beautiful, caring, and thoughtful out of all of the children.
- To transition into the conclusion, try using phrases like “in conclusion” at the beginning of the sentence. I separated this clause from the others, as it is a separate thought from the previous sentences.
Good work! Make sure to avoid run-on sentences. Try being more concise, and shortening your sentences to help improve your grammar.
Final Version:
The little mermaid is the youngest among all her sisters and is thoughtful and caring. One reason that she differs from her sisters is because of her curiosity. Another reason why she contrasts her sisters is because of her beauty. Out of six beautiful children, the youngest was considered to be the prettiest. According to the text, “her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf.” In conclusion, the youngest is the most beautiful, caring, and thoughtful out of all of the children.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
4/28/2020
The robot dog is helpful in many ways one way is he company the 3-foot tall, 70-pound robot to operate as a mobile telemedicine platform, enabling healthcare providers to determine a patient's condition remotely. Another reason is with an iPad face and a radio that make's for real life talking or conversation spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in to meet them. These are the reasons why the robot dog is very useful and help to the doctor's to help patients.
Original Version:
The robot dog is helpful in many ways one way is he company the 3-foot tall, 70-pound robot to operate as a mobile telemedicine platform, enabling healthcare providers to determine a patient's condition remotely. Another reason is with an iPad face and a radio that make's for real life talking or conversation spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in to meet them. These are the reasons why the robot dog is very useful and help to the doctor's to help patients.
Corrections
The robot dog made by Boston Dynamics is helpful in many ways. One way it assists hospitals is by examining patients’ conditions remotely.
- The first sentence was a run-on sentence. I split it into two separate sentences. The second half of the original sentence is below. I added a sentence after the first to set up the quotation you use next. I also specified the company that makes the robot dog so it was clear to the reader.
The text states that “the 3-foot tall, 70-pound robot to operate as a mobile telemedicine platform, enabling healthcare providers to determine a patient's condition remotely.”
- This was a word-by-word quote from the text. It could be seen as plagiarism if you don’t use quotation marks. I edited the sentence to incorporate the quote correctly.
Another reason it helps hospitals is by assisting doctors. According to the text, the dog uses its iPad face and radio to help doctors speak to patients without coming in to meet them.
- This is paraphrased from the text, but it is phrased incorrectly. I edited the sentence to correct the grammar.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why the robot dog is very useful to doctors and patients.
- I edited the conclusion to help it be a stronger closing statement.
Good work! Remember to quote and paraphrase the text correctly. Also, proofread for grammar errors.
Final Version:
The robot dog made by Boston Dynamics is helpful in many ways. One way it assists hospitals is by examining patients’ conditions remotely. The text states that “the 3-foot tall, 70-pound robot to operate as a mobile telemedicine platform, enabling healthcare providers to determine a patient's condition remotely.” Another reason it helps hospitals is by assisting doctors. According to the text, the dog uses its iPad face and radio to help doctors speak to patients without coming in to meet them. In conclusion, these are the reasons why the robot dog is very useful to doctors and patients.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
- )
April 22,2020
Earth day a very special day we celebrate it at April 22 at this day we take care of earth but the thing is in this type of season most people can not celebrate it. The corona is spreading so we have to be careful that we don't go out side. this day is meant to appericiate what earth has done to us we love earth so we celebrate this holiday.
Original Version:
Earth day a very special day we celebrate it at April 22 at this day we take care of earth but the thing is in this type of season most people can not celebrate it. The corona is spreading so we have to be careful that we don't go out side. this day is meant to appericiate what earth has done to us we love earth so we celebrate this holiday.
Corrections:
Earth Day a very special holiday that we celebrate on April 22.
- This sentence was at first a run-on sentence. I edited it to make it shorter and grammatically correct. I split the sentence into three different sentences. Also “Earth Day” should be capitalized as it is a holiday. The preposition “at” is incorrect, as it should be “on.” I also rephrased the sentence to improve the grammar.
It is a day that we take care of the earth.
- You need the article “the” in front of “earth.”
However, most people cannot celebrate Earth Day this year.
- It should be “cannot” in this context. I also reworded the sentence to make what you are saying clearer.
The coronavirus is spreading, so we have to be careful that we don't go outside.
- Because you used the definite article “the,” it should be spelt “coronavirus.” You were also missing a comma before the word “so.” “Outside” was also miswritten in the original version, it should be one word.
This holiday is meant to appreciate what earth has done for us as well as celebrate the love we have for it.
- “This” should be capitalized as it is the first word in the sentence. I also corrected the spelling of “appreciate.” It should be “for us,” not “to us.” This is because the Earth isn’t doing to us, but it is doing something for us. I also reworded parts of the sentence to help the flow and grammar of the sentence.
Good job! I suggest that you proofread your writing in case there are spelling errors.
Final Version:
Earth Day a very special holiday that we celebrate on April 22. It is a day that we take care of the earth. However, most people cannot celebrate Earth Day this year. The coronavirus is spreading, so we have to be careful that we don't go outside. This holiday is meant to appreciate what earth has done for us as well as celebrate the love we have for it.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 11,2020
The 50th Anniversary is a thing we celebrate it at April ,22.IT is a activity we are suppose to do outside But at this time and how the climate is we don't thing you can go outside to celebrate. This day we appreciate what earth has done to us it gave us life, food and a good place to live without all this we would not be here alive. This is why earth day a good day to celebrate.
Original Version:
The 50th Anniversary is a thing we celebrate it at April ,22.IT is a activity we are suppose to do outside But at this time and how the climate is we don't thing you can go outside to celebrate. This day we appreciate what earth has done to us it gave us life, food and a good place to live without all this we would not be here alive. This is why earth day a good day to celebrate.
Corrections:
The 50th anniversary of Earth Day is being celebrated on April, 22.
- The 50th anniversary of what? This wasn’t clear in the original sentence, so I specified that it was in celebration of Earth Day. Earth Day needs to be mentioned in the paragraph so the reader knows what event you are talking about.
It is a day to spend outside. However, during this time and climate, activities celebrating earth day cannot take place outside.
- “It” should not be in all caps. Also, there needs to be a period after the word “outside.” I rephrased both sentences as well to correct the grammar.
In conclusion, Earth Day is celebrated to thank the earth for all that it has given us. Without it, we wouldn’t be alive.
- This was a run-on sentence. I split it into two sentences and reworded it to make the closing statement more concise. Also, I added the phrase “in conclusion” to make the transition from your explanation to the conclusion better.
Great work! Remember to proofread your work for punctuation and capitalization errors. Also, consider adding a quote from the text to back up your statements.
Final Version:
The 50th anniversary of Earth Day is being celebrated on April, 22. It is a day to spend outside. However, during this time and climate, activities celebrating earth day cannot take place outside. In conclusion, Earth Day is celebrated to thank the earth for all that it has given us. Without it, we wouldn’t be alive.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 16,2020
There are many accomplishments William has achieved. One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give. Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 by giving food. Therefore William has achieved many accomplishments. These are the reasons why and my evidence.
Original Version:
There are many accomplishments William has achieved. One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give. Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 by giving food. Therefore William has achieved many accomplishments. These are the reasons why and my evidence.
Corrections:
There are many accomplishments William has achieved.
- Good!
One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give in the effort to end childhood hunger.
- To give to what? I added “in the effort to end childhood hunger” to make this clear.
Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 to help provide kids with food.
- There was a similar problem in this sentence. What was the money raised for? Make sure that this is clear. I added “to help provide kids with food” to describe what the money he was raising was being used towards, to show how it is an accomplishment.
This evidence explains the reasons for William’s endeavors. Therefore, William has achieved many accomplishments through his work with Food Drive Kids.
- The conclusion sentence should go last, so I switched the order of these two sentences. I also rephrased the first sentence to correct the grammar, and clarify what the reasons are explaining. I also used a variety of word choice, to make it sound less repetitive. Lastly, I added a comma after therefore, as it is an introductory phrase that needs a comma.
Great work! Make sure your points are clear and not ambiguous.
Final Version:
There are many accomplishments William has achieved. One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give in the effort to end childhood hunger. Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 to help provide kids with food. This evidence explains the reasons for William’s endeavors. Therefore, William has achieved many accomplishments through his work with Food Drive Kids.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 15, 2020
This Japanese ceremony is different from other ceremony's for many reasons. One reason Is the text says "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called". Another reason I the text says "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the corona virus time while other people would cancel the ceremony". In conclusion, the Japanese ceremony is different than other one around the world during corona virus.
Original Version:
This Japanese ceremony is different from other ceremony's for many reasons. One reason Is the text says "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called". Another reason I the text says "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the corona virus time while other people would cancel the ceremony". In conclusion, the Japanese ceremony is different than other one around the world during corona virus.
Corrections:
This Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ceremonies for many reasons.
- I added the word “graduation” to specify the type of ceremony you are talking about. Also, the noun “ceremony” should not be in the possessive form.
One reason for this is that "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called."
- The introduction to the quote sounded a bit clunky. I rephrased the clause to make it flow better. Also, the period at the end of the quote needs to go inside the quotation mark.
The text also states that "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the coronavirus time while other people would cancel the ceremony."
- I reworded the introductory clause before the quote to improve the grammar. Again, I fixed the punctuation at the end of the quote.
In conclusion, the Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ones around the world during the coronavirus.
- I again specified what type of ceremony you are talking about, and rephrased the end half of the sentence to improve the grammar. Also, “coronavirus” should be one word.
Great work! Make sure to use correct punctuation, and read your sentence out loud to help you spot grammar errors.
Final Version:
This Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ceremonies for many reasons. One reason for this is that "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called." The text also states that "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the coronavirus time while other people would cancel the ceremony." In conclusion, the Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ones around the world during the coronavirus.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 14, 2020
There are many reasons to why all Astronaut trainers are not picked to be a real astronaut and be able to go to space. One reason why is there are difficult obstacles that not all the Astronaut trainers can go through. Another reason is there is a limit of how many people can go to space. Therefor, not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and be able to go to space. These are the reasons why not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and go to space.
Original Version:
There are many reasons to why all Astronaut trainers are not picked to be a real astronaut and be able to go to space. One reason why is there are difficult obstacles that not all the Astronaut trainers can go through. Another reason is there is a limit of how many people can go to space. Therefor, not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and be able to go to space. These are the reasons why not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and go to space.
Corrections:
There are many reasons why not all astronaut trainees are picked to go into space.
- “To” is an unnecessary preposition in this context, so I deleted it. I also edited the sentence to improve the phrasing. Also, it is not the trainers of astronauts who are picked, it is those being trained, so I think using “astronaut trainees” is more accurate.
One reason why there are many difficult obstacles for astronaut trainees, that not all of them make it through.
- I again changed “trainers” to “trainees.” Also, I edited the grammar of the sentence. For example, it should be “there are” not “there is” as the obstacles are plural.
Another reason not all trainees make it is that there’s a limit to how many people can go to space.
- I edited the sentence for clarity and to improve the grammar. The preposition should be “to” instead of “of.”
Therefore, not all astronaut trainees are able to be real astronauts.
- I corrected the spelling of “therefore.” Also, you don’t need to capitalize the word “astronaut” because it’s not a proper noun. The end of the sentence also sounded repetitive, as you ended the last sentence similarly.
In conclusion, not everyone who trains as an astronaut can go into space due to the difficult obstacles they have to go through and the limited number of people who can be selected.
- In your conclusion sentence, restate what the reasons are for the lack of people chosen to be an astronaut. I edited the last sentence to clarify your main points and strengthen your conclusion.
Final Version:
There are many reasons why not all astronaut trainees are picked to go into space. One reason why there are many difficult obstacles for astronaut trainees, that not all of them make it through. Another reason not all trainees make it is that there’s a limit to how many people can go to space. Therefore, not all astronaut trainees are able to be real astronauts. In conclusion, not everyone who trains as an astronaut can go into space due to the difficult obstacles they have to go through and the limited number of people who can be selected.
Great job! Make sure to follow the “RATE” format. Try using quotes to provide evidence for your answers. Also, conclude your main ideas in the last sentence by using phrases like “in conclusion” or “therefore.”
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 13,2020
The difference between he mayor and the governor is they both have different opinion the mayor wanted the schools to close for the academic year. The governor wanted to still have remote learning. They both had different opinion. They were disagreeing in each others opinion. School Is important to kids and their education.
Original Version:
The difference between the mayor and the governor is they both have different opinion the mayor wanted the schools to close for the academic year. The governor wanted to still have remote learning. They both had different opinion. They were disagreeing in each others opinion. School Is important to kids and their education.
Corrections:
The difference between Mayor Bill de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo is that they both have different opinions. The mayor wants the schools to close for the rest of the academic year.
- Great start! I included the names of the two people to clarify to the reader who you are talking about. I also broke up the sentence into two, as I thought they were two separate thoughts. The edited sentence above also contains a few words changed so it is written in the present tense.
The governor disagrees, as students will have to learn remotely.
- The article states that the governor does not want kids to learn remotely, as it poses many challenges for students. He would rather the schools stay open. To reflect this, I reworded the sentence slightly.
They both have different opinions.
- I changed “had” to “have” as they both currently have different opinions. Also, I deleted the sentence that follows this one, as it sounded repetitive. Before you move onto the conclusion, you should cite evidence by using a quote, in order to back up your statements about their different opinions.
In conclusion, schools and the education of children are important, even during the outbreak of COVID 19.
- To follow the “RACE” format, you need to explain the evidence by using phrases like “in conclusion” or “therefore.” I liked the idea of your conclusion, but it didn’t explain how it connects to your evidence. So, I reworded the conclusion to provide the reader with more clarity.
Great work! Remember to back up your answers with evidence, and to conclude your paragraph by explaining your evidence in the last sentence.
Final Version:
The difference between Mayor Bill de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo is that they both have different opinions. The mayor wants the schools to close for the rest of the academic year. The governor disagrees, as students will have to learn remotely. They both have different opinions. In conclusion, schools and the education of children are important, even during the outbreak of COVID 19.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
The birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text" birds are anxious to breeding grounds to begin mating." Also according to the text "in spring males have on their plumage to attract mates. These are the reasons why the birds are migrating south and my text evidence to prove my details. birds are usually are migrating a lot in my opinion because different birds are moving different directions in different times this is my reasons why birds move south and my opinion on that.
Thx for editing it!
Original Version:
The birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text" birds are anxious to breeding grounds to begin mating." Also according to the text "in spring males have on their plumage to attract mates. These are the reasons why the birds are migrating south and my text evidence to prove my details. birds are usually are migrating a lot in my opinion because different birds are moving different directions in different times this is my reasons why birds move south and my opinion on that.
Corrections:
Birds are migrating south for many reasons.
- Good! I just eliminated the definite article "the," as you are not talking about a specific type of bird.
According to the text, "birds are anxious to reach their breeding grounds and begin mating."
- Make sure when you use the same words as the text when you are using a direct quote. I added words to complete the quotation. If this was meant to be paraphrased, then exact words are not necessary, but make sure the sentence makes sense if you decide to reword the sentence. Also, make sure to use quotation marks at the beginning and end of the quote.
Also, the text states that "during the spring, the males have on their beautiful plumage to attract mates.”
- This sentence was edited for the same reasons as the previous sentence. I also reworded the beginning, as you used “according to” before. Using a different word will give your paragraph more variation.
The evidence shows why the birds are migrating south. Birds are usually migrating a lot because different birds move in different directions and times.
- Both of these sentences were a bit repetitive, so I reworded them to improve the grammar and make the conclusion more effective.
Great work! Make sure to integrate quotations correctly, and to use a variety of word choice.
Final Version: Birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text, "birds are anxious to reach their breeding grounds and begin mating." Also, the text states that "during the spring, the males have on their beautiful plumage to attract mates.” The evidence shows why the birds are migrating south. Birds are usually migrating a lot because different birds move in different directions and times.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
