Original Draft
The Frog And The Grasshopper
In this story, the Leapfrog and the Grasshopper do different things. The Grasshopper jumped not as high and jumped right on the Kings face. The story says," The Grasshopper jumped only half as high; but he leaped into the King's face, who was disgusted by his rudeness." This shows that the Grasshopper jumped right on the kings face. Also, The Frog jumped on the Princess's head. The story states," The treasure is great and all would want it," said the King; "therefore to bound onto her head is the highest jump that can be made. Only one of good understanding would ever have thought of that. Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." This shows, That the frog has jumped onto the Princess head. All in all, the frog was called smart and jumped on the princess's head and the Grasshopper was called rude and jumped on the Kings face.
Corrections
The Frog And The Grasshopper
****"'I kept this title, good job!"'
In this story, the Leapfrog and the Grasshopper do different things.
****"'I have brought this up many times before, but we need to introduce the story a little bit to give the reader some context. What story is this? What is going on?"'
In the story, "The Leaping Match", a flea, a grasshopper, and a frog compete to see who can jump the highest so they can win a prize from the King.
The Grasshopper jumped not as high and jumped right on the Kings face. The story says," The Grasshopper jumped only half as high; but he leaped into the King's face, who was disgusted by his rudeness." This shows that the Grasshopper jumped right on the kings face.
****"'In the story, when it says "The Grasshopper jumped only half as high;", it's comparing the Grasshopper to the Flea. Since we don't talk about the flea, we should leave out this part that's comparing the Grasshopper to the flea. We can still say he doesn't jump very high, but then only include the part of the quote that talks about him landing in the King's face."'
When the Grasshopper jumps, he doesn't jump very high and "leaped into the King's face, who was disgusted by his rudeness."
Also, The Frog jumped on the Princess's head. The story states," The treasure is great and all would want it," said the King; "therefore to bound onto her head is the highest jump that can be made. Only one of good understanding would ever have thought of that. Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." This shows, That the frog has jumped onto the Princess head.
****"'So you mentioned twice here that the Frog jumped on the Princess's head and also included the quote that says that. Doing this is repetitive and isn't necessary. So I trimmed it down to get the point across to the reader but do so without including unnecessary details and then added some other details to explain what happened next."'
When the Frog jumps, he jumps on the Princess's head. The King says, "to bound onto her head is the highest jump that can be made. Only one of good understanding would ever have thought of that. Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." Since the Frog was smart and took the time to think, the King rewarded him with the treasure.
All in all, the frog was called smart and jumped on the princess's head and the Grasshopper was called rude and jumped on the Kings face.
****"'Instead of writing like you did here, I wrote a sentence that felt a little more like a conclusion and still sort of summarized the paragraph."'
The Grasshopper was rude and jumped on the King's face, but the Frog's wisdom ended up winning him the treasure.
Final Draft
The Frog and the Grasshopper
In the story, "The Leaping Match", a flea, a grasshopper, and a frog compete to see who can jump the highest so they can win a prize from the King. When the Grasshopper jumps, he doesn't jump very high and "leaped into the King's face, who was disgusted by his rudeness." When the Frog jumps, he jumps on the Princess's head. The King says, "to bound onto her head is the highest jump that can be made. Only one of good understanding would ever have thought of that. Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." Since the Frog was smart and took the time to think, the King rewarded him with the treasure. The Grasshopper was rude and jumped on the King's face, but the Frog's wisdom ended up winning him the treasure.
The biggest thing here is to watch your repetition. Don't be too repetitive just to take up space - find details that are relevant to add instead of repeating something you've already said. Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris
Original Draft Tom Somers and the accepting to the Company
There is a meaning for Captain In this story. To begin with, The company would teach how to be an abolitionists. In the text it say,"We’ll teach him loyalty and patriotism, and before his time is out, we will make him an abolitionist,' replied Captain Benson." This shows that the Company is a peaceful group. To add on, the Company can also mean that it is Tom Somers father's company. The text says,"But what will your father say?" This shows, the company might be his father's Company. In conclusion, Company can mean the things stated in the paragraph.
Corrections
Tom Somers and the accepting to the Company
****"'For reasons you'll understand as you read my comments and what I said at the bottom, I changed this title."'
The Company
There is a meaning for Captain In this story.
****"'I think here you meant to say 'company' instead of 'captain', but there needs to be some more introduction anyway, so I rewrote this sentence."'
In this story, Fred wants to join the military company that his friend Tom is part of.
To begin with, The company would teach how to be an abolitionists. In the text it say,"We’ll teach him loyalty and patriotism, and before his time is out, we will make him an abolitionist,' replied Captain Benson."
****"'For this part, I took out the leading sentence. I removed it because since the quote says "we will make him an abolitionist,", we don't need to say it before the quote too."'
The leader of the company, Captain Benson, says, "We’ll teach him loyalty and patriotism, and before his time is out, we will make him an abolitionist,"
This shows that the Company is a peaceful group.
****"'Since abolitionists are people who supported the end of slavery, I can understand why you would think that they were peaceful; however, in this context the company (lowercase) is a military unit which is fighting for the end of slavery, so 'peaceful' might not be the right word here. I reworded this sentence to better explain what's going on here."'
We can tell from reading this that the company is a group that will fight for the abolition of slavery in the United States.
To add on, the Company can also mean that it is Tom Somers father's company. The text says,"But what will your father say?" This shows, the company might be his father's Company.
****"'First, 'company' is lowercased. Also, the person who says this quote was Tom to Fred, so it wouldn't be Tom's father's company. Even more, the story says that the company is Captain Benson's, so it's actually neither of their fathers' at all. The big thing in this quote is that Tom is worried Fred's dad won't want him to join the company. I reworded this too to clear things up."
However, Tom asks Fred, "But what will your father say?" So this could mean that Fred's dad wouldn't want him to join the company.
In conclusion, Company can mean the things stated in the paragraph.
****"'I rewrote this sentence to clear things up too."'
We can tell from these lines that the company is a military unit in the United States of America that Fred wants to be part of, but his friend Tom worries that Fred's father won't want him to do that.
Final Draft
The Company
In this story, Fred wants to join the military company that his friend Tom is part of. The leader of the company, Captain Benson, says, "We’ll teach him loyalty and patriotism, and before his time is out, we will make him an abolitionist," We can tell from reading this that the company is a group that will fight for the abolition of slavery in the United States. However, Tom asks Fred, "But what will your father say?" So this could mean that Fred's dad wouldn't want him to join the company. We can tell from these lines that the company is a military unit in the United States of America that Fred wants to be part of, but his friend Tom worries that Fred's father won't want him to do that.
I can tell that this story confused a fair amount of your classmates, which is understandable. But in this context, the word 'company' refers to a military unit that is usually led by a captain or a major. I know it's strange, since we're all used to a company being a group of people who work together, like Microsoft or Publix. It was also difficult at times to know who was saying what in this story because many times, there wasn't anything after the quote to let us know who said it. However, the person who said "But what will your father say?" was actually Tom asking Fred. Since this company was led by Captain Benson, we know that neither Tom's nor Fred's father owned the company. This story was kind of difficult to read, but I thought I'd give you this explanation to clear up the confusion.
I'm not giving you a lot of suggestions and corrections here, mainly because this was a confusing reading for a lot of y'all. Edited by Lainey Morris
Original Draft
The Boys futures.
I can describe the second and third boys. To begin with, the second child would become an artist because he is good at painting. The text states, "'The second boy ran out upon the meadow, where stood the flowers—flowers of all imaginable colors. He gathered a handful and squeezed them so tightly that the juice flew into his eyes, and some of it wet the ring upon his hand. It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was." To enumerate, the second boy will become a painter in the future. To add on, the third boy would become a singer and composer. According to the text it states, "'The third child held the ring in his teeth, and so tightly that it gave forth sound—the echo of a song in the depth of his heart. Then thoughts and feelings rose in beautiful sounds,—rose like singing swans,—plunged, too, like swans, into the deep, deep sea. He became a great musical composer, a master, of whom every country has the right to say, 'He was mine, for he was the worlds.'" To clarify, the third boy will become a great musical composer. All in all, The third and second boys will have a great future ahead of them
Corrections
The Boys futures.
****"'Since the futures belong to the boys, we would say, "Boys'" to make it possessive. However, I changed this title anyway just to make it sound a little more creative and give it a better flow."'
The Futures of the Brothers
I can describe the second and third boys.
****"'Like I've said before, we can't just launch into the paragraph. We have to give at least a little bit of context so that the reader isn't confused."'
In this story, there were four brothers. Three of the brothers had special talents and all grew up to do amazing things.
To begin with, the second child would become an artist because he is good at painting.
****"'Here, I reworded the sentence just a little bit."'
The second brother went on to become an artist because he was a gifted painter.
The text states, "'The second boy ran out upon the meadow, where stood the flowers—flowers of all imaginable colors. He gathered a handful and squeezed them so tightly that the juice flew into his eyes, and some of it wet the ring upon his hand. It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was."
****"'The only thing I changed here was the part you wrote before the quote."'
The story says, "The second boy ran out upon the meadow, where stood the flowers - flowers of all imaginable colors. He gathered a handful and squeezed them so tightly that the juice flew into his eyes, and some of it wet the ring upon his hand. It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was."
To enumerate, the second boy will become a painter in the future.
****"'First, the word 'enumerate' is not the right word here. Enumerate means 'to mention a number of things one by one' or 'to establish the number of'. I think you might've been looking for the word 'elaborate'. Also, since this story was written in past tense and also just tells us that he already became a famous painter, we would have to use the past tense in our sentences too."'
Since the second brother found his talent in painting, he became a famous painter.
To add on, the third boy would become a singer and composer.
****"'The tense here is correct, but I still reworded things just a bit to give a little more space between quotes and then later added that he became a composer. I also took out 'to add on'."'
The third brother had his own gift too - he was gifted in music.
According to the text it states, "'The third child held the ring in his teeth, and so tightly that it gave forth sound—the echo of a song in the depth of his heart. Then thoughts and feelings rose in beautiful sounds,—rose like singing swans,—plunged, too, like swans, into the deep, deep sea. He became a great musical composer, a master, of whom every country has the right to say, 'He was mine, for he was the worlds.'"
****"'I reworded things here too just a little bit right before the quote."'
The story says, "The third child held the ring in his teeth, and so tightly that it gave forth sound—the echo of a song in the depth of his heart. Then thoughts and feelings rose in beautiful sounds,—rose like singing swans,—plunged, too, like swans, into the deep, deep sea. He became a great musical composer, a master, of whom every country has the right to say, 'He was mine, for he was the world's.'"
To clarify, the third boy will become a great musical composer.
****"'Since the story itself straight up says that the boy became a composer, we don't need to say 'to clarify'. I also changed the tense here and added just a little bit more to give a better flow."'
Because the third brother had the gift of music, he went on to become a famous musical composer.
All in all, The third and second boys will have a great future ahead of them
****"'We need to add a period at the end here. Also, I think we can make a better sentence that reads just a little bit better. I changed the tense here as well."'
These two brothers were very talented and they were able to go out and share their talents with the world.
Final Draft The Futures of the Brothers In this story, there were four brothers. Three of the brothers had special talents and all grew up to do amazing things. The second brother went on to become an artist because he was a gifted painter. The story says, "The second boy ran out upon the meadow, where stood the flowers - flowers of all imaginable colors. He gathered a handful and squeezed them so tightly that the juice flew into his eyes, and some of it wet the ring upon his hand. It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was." Since the second brother found his talent in painting, he became a famous painter. The third brother had his own gift too - he was gifted in music. The story says, "The third child held the ring in his teeth, and so tightly that it gave forth sound—the echo of a song in the depth of his heart. Then thoughts and feelings rose in beautiful sounds,—rose like singing swans,—plunged, too, like swans, into the deep, deep sea. He became a great musical composer, a master, of whom every country has the right to say, 'He was mine, for he was the world's.'" Because the third brother had the gift of music, he went on to become a famous musical composer. These two brothers were very talented and they were able to go out and share their talents with the world.
Megu, I feel like you aren't reading what I'm giving you advice about. I've had to remind you about writing an introduction sentence several times now and I feel like you're just ignoring it. I give you this comments to help you, but you can't improve your writing if you don't take my advice and suggestions. Edited by Lainey Morris
Original Draft Comparing the snails in the story to Humans
The snails in the story were acting like humans. For example, they adopted a child like humans. The text states, "Leading now a very quiet and happy life and having no children, they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child. But the little thing would not grow, for he was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see a great improvement in him." This shows, the snails acted like humans by adopting their own child. To add on they have houses. According to the article it says ,"There are drops, too," said the Mother Snail; "they come trickling down the stalks. We shall presently find it very wet here. I'm glad we have such good houses, and that the youngster has his also. There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Every one must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account. I should like to know just how far it reaches, and what there is beyond.There is nothing better than what we have here," said the Father Snail. "I wish for nothing beyond." To clarify, these snails in the story have homes just like us humans. All in all, the snails in the story were very much like us people.
Corrections
Comparing the snails in the story to Humans
****"'Coming up with a title for this was a bit difficult, but I came up with one. Also, when I say "vs" in this title, I don't mean it in a fighting way. Instead, I mean it to show that I'm comparing them."'
Snails vs. Humans
The snails in the story were acting like humans.
****"'Before we get into the paragraph, we have to give context for what the story is."'
The story "The Happy Family" is about a family of snails living under a burdock bush. In the story, the snails are very similar to humans.
For example, they adopted a child like humans. The text states, "Leading now a very quiet and happy life and having no children, they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child. But the little thing would not grow, for he was only a common snail, though his foster mother pretended to see a great improvement in him."
****"'In this part, I sort of combined these two sentences; however, I shortened the quote. Because the rest of your paragraph doesn't mention anything about how the common snail wouldn't grow, I took that part out."'
Like humans, an elderly snail couple "had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child."
This shows, the snails acted like humans by adopting their own child.
****"'As you can see in my finished sentence above, I began with "like humans,". Since I did this, we don't need to explain again that this shows how the snails acted like humans, so I took this part out."'
To add on they have houses. According to the article it says ,"There are drops, too," said the Mother Snail; "they come trickling down the stalks. We shall presently find it very wet here. I'm glad we have such good houses, and that the youngster has his also. There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Every one must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account. I should like to know just how far it reaches, and what there is beyond.There is nothing better than what we have here," said the Father Snail. "I wish for nothing beyond." To clarify, these snails in the story have homes just like us humans.
****"'This is a really big chunk of quote, and a lot of it isn't really necessary. Look how I shortened it:"'
The snails also had houses, which are the burdock leaves, much like humans do, and the Mother Snail says, "I'm glad we have such good houses, and that the youngster has his also." She also goes on to say, "There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Every one must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account." Just like humans, the snails see themselves as the superior beings to the other creatures that live near them.
****"'I led with "The snails had houses, which are the burdock leaves, much like humans do," to go ahead and clarify that this is another way that they're like humans. Then, I added part of the quote and also put some of my own words in between that part and the next part to be able to break some of the quote up and also add just a few of my words in there too. I also added at the end how snails think they're the superior beings, just like humans do.
All in all, the snails in the story were very much like us people.
***"'I reworded this so it wouldn't be so similar to your first sentence."'
Although this story is one about snails, they are very similar to humans in many ways.
Final Draft Snails vs. Humans The story "The Happy Family" is about a family of snails living under a burdock bush. In the story, the snails are very similar to humans. Like humans, an elderly snail couple "had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child." The snails also had houses, which are the burdock leaves, much like humans do, and the Mother Snail says, "I'm glad we have such good houses, and that the youngster has his also." She also goes on to say, "There has really been more done for us than for any other creatures. Every one must see that we are superior beings. We have houses from our very birth, and the burdock forest is planted on our account." Just like humans, the snails see themselves as the superior beings to the other creatures that live near them. Although this story is one about snails, they are very similar to humans in many ways.
This is just another one of those cases where it's helpful for you to read my comments and corrections. I feel like a lot of my comments are the same ones I'm saying over and over again, but I can't really help you if you don't read them and use them when you write. Edited by Lainey Morris
And also for the aadvice you gave me thank you but if we use both text and our own words do we still put quotation marks because it is both text evidence and your paraphrasing it at the same time??
Good question! Unless you are copying the exact wording of something, you won't put quotations. For example: "I really like Moon Pies," said Harry. "But I don't like the banana Moon Pies, those are nasty!"
If I included an exact quote, I would put quotations, like this: In the interview, Harry said "I really like Moon Pies, but I don't like the banana Moon Pies, those are nasty!"
If I didn't include an exact quote, it would be like this: Harry said that he likes Moon Pies, but not the banana flavored ones.
In both of these, I'm telling you what Harry said, but since the first one is the only one that says his exact words, only that one needs quotations. The second one is just me telling you in my own words what he said. Does that make sense?
Original Draft The Buckwheat And The Storm
There is a message the writer is trying to tell the reader. To begin with the buckwheat thinks he is handsome and he thinks that the willow tree is not. The text says," The buckwheat did not bend like the other grain, but erected its head proudly and stiffly on the stem. "I am as valuable as any other corn," said he, "and I am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us. Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree...But the buckwheat spread itself out with pride, and said, "Stupid tree; he is so old that grass grows out of his body." To clarify, the buckwheat thinks he is very handsome and others are not. To add on, the buckwheat wouldn't listen to others and that lead him to death. Based on the article it says,"There arose a very terrible storm. All the field-flowers folded their leaves together, or bowed their little heads, while the storm passed over them, but the buckwheat stood erect in its pride. "Bend your head as we do," said the flowers."I have no occasion to do so," replied the buckwheat."Bend your head as we do," cried the ears of corn; "the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy.""But I will not bend my head," said the buckwheat."Close your flowers and bend your leaves," said the old willow-tree. "Do not look at the lightning when the cloud bursts; even men cannot do that. In a flash of lightning heaven opens, and we can look in; but the sight will strike even human beings blind. What then must happen to us, who only grow out of the earth, and are so inferior to them, if we venture to do so"Inferior, indeed!" said the buckwheat. "Now I intend to have a peep into heaven." Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames.When the dreadful storm had passed, the flowers and the corn raised their drooping heads in the pure still air, refreshed by the rain, but the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning. Then the willow told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence." This shows that he had gotten a punishment and died he tried acting brave and cool . In short, the message the reader is trying to tell us is listen for advice and be nice.
Corrections
The Buckwheat And The Storm
****"'This is a good title!"'
There is a message the writer is trying to tell the reader.
****"'I used most of this sentence, but I added a little bit more to it to add context about the story."'
Hidden in the story, "The Buckwheat", there's a message that the writer is trying to tell the reader. The story takes place in a field of different types of plants, including a field of buckwheat.
To begin with the buckwheat thinks he is handsome and he thinks that the willow tree is not. The text says," The buckwheat did not bend like the other grain, but erected its head proudly and stiffly on the stem. "I am as valuable as any other corn," said he, "and I am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us. Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree...But the buckwheat spread itself out with pride, and said, "Stupid tree; he is so old that grass grows out of his body."
****"'Here, I changed the first sentence. Then, I noticed that you just left out the part about how the willow-tree shook his head, and added that context in."'
The buckwheat is very prideful and arrogant and brags about himself, saying, "I am as valuable as any other corn,...and I am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us. Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree?" However, the willow-tree nodded, and the buckwheat got angry and said, "Stupid tree; he is so old that grass grows out of his body."
To clarify, the buckwheat thinks he is very handsome and others are not.
****"'Since we've already talked about how the buckwheat is prideful and arrogant, I took this sentence out."'
To add on, the buckwheat wouldn't listen to others and that lead him to death.
****"'This sentence gives away the ending, so I took it out too."'
Based on the article it says,"There arose a very terrible storm. All the field-flowers folded their leaves together, or bowed their little heads, while the storm passed over them, but the buckwheat stood erect in its pride. "Bend your head as we do," said the flowers."I have no occasion to do so," replied the buckwheat."Bend your head as we do," cried the ears of corn; "the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy.""But I will not bend my head," said the buckwheat."Close your flowers and bend your leaves," said the old willow-tree. "Do not look at the lightning when the cloud bursts; even men cannot do that. In a flash of lightning heaven opens, and we can look in; but the sight will strike even human beings blind. What then must happen to us, who only grow out of the earth, and are so inferior to them, if we venture to do so"Inferior, indeed!" said the buckwheat. "Now I intend to have a peep into heaven." Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames.When the dreadful storm had passed, the flowers and the corn raised their drooping heads in the pure still air, refreshed by the rain, but the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning. Then the willow told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence."
****"'All right, here's the huge chunk of text that you used. I added a section at the bottom about how to avoid doing this, and here's what I did:"'
Next, a storm appeared. All of the plants "folded their leaves together, or bowed their little heads," but the buckwheat remained upright. The flowers told him that he should bend his head down like they did, but the buckwheat refused. The ears of corn begged him to bend his head and told him "he angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy." Even the willow-tree told him "Close your flowers and bend your leaves...Do not look at the lightning when the cloud bursts; even men cannot do that. In a flash of lightning heaven opens, and we can look in; but the sight will strike even human beings blind." Even still, the buckwheat did not listen to the advice that the other plants gave him. So he "Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames." After the storm had passed, the other plants looked up and saw that "the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning." Drops of water began to fall off of the willow-tree and made it look like he was weeping. The sparrows asked him why he was weeping, and he "told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence."
This shows that he had gotten a punishment and died he tried acting brave and cool .
****"'I reworded this sentence a little bit."'
Because the buckwheat let his pride get the best of him and didn't listen to the advice from the other plants, he ended up being burnt by lightning.
In short, the message the reader is trying to tell us is listen for advice and be nice.
****"'I also reworded this one to give some more detail and make it more of a conclusion."'
It's important that we all learn from the buckwheat's mistakes so that we remember to be kind and listen to people when they give us advice.
Final Draft
The Buckwheat and the Storm
Hidden in the story, "The Buckwheat", there's a message that the writer is trying to tell the reader. The story takes place in a field of different types of plants, including a field of buckwheat. The buckwheat is very prideful and arrogant and brags about himself, saying, "I am as valuable as any other corn,...and I am much handsomer; my flowers are as beautiful as the bloom of the apple blossom, and it is a pleasure to look at us. Do you know of anything prettier than we are, you old willow-tree?" However, the willow-tree nodded, and the buckwheat got angry and said, "Stupid tree; he is so old that grass grows out of his body." Next, a storm appeared. All of the plants "folded their leaves together, or bowed their little heads," but the buckwheat remained upright. The flowers told him that he should bend his head down like they did, but the buckwheat refused. The ears of corn begged him to bend his head and told him "he angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy." Even the willow-tree told him "Close your flowers and bend your leaves...Do not look at the lightning when the cloud bursts; even men cannot do that. In a flash of lightning heaven opens, and we can look in; but the sight will strike even human beings blind." Even still, the buckwheat did not listen to the advice that the other plants gave him. So he "Proudly and boldly he looked up, while the lightning flashed across the sky as if the whole world were in flames." After the storm had passed, the other plants looked up and saw that "the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning." Drops of water began to fall off of the willow-tree and made it look like he was weeping. The sparrows asked him why he was weeping, and he "told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence." Because the buckwheat let his pride get the best of him and didn't listen to the advice from the other plants, he ended up being burnt by lightning. It's important that we all learn from the buckwheat's mistakes so that we remember to be kind and listen to people when they give us advice.
BTW I know that my second text is very long so can you give me advice cause i needed all that text how do u make it shorter???
Help With Question About Long Text Great question! If you look back at some of my final drafts here on your page, you'll see how I sometimes take large chunks of the text and break them up into smaller pieces by adding some of my own words in between. When you do this, it shows that you understood what you read while also helping you avoid putting one long quote in your paragraph. Trust me, I know it's difficult. Sometimes you just want to be like, "How am I supposed to write anything else? This whole part has all of the information I need!" but I know you can do it. If you get stuck on what to write for your own words, take part of the passage, read it, then grab a piece of paper and a pencil. Then, without looking back at the passage, write what you remember about the passage. Now you have some of your own words that you can add to your paragraph! If you look at my final version of this paragraph, you'll see how I took that same chunk of text, but broke it up by inserting parts that I had written in my own words. Look at this part from the end of my final version:
After the storm had passed, the other plants looked up and saw that "the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning." Drops of water began to fall off of the willow-tree and made it look like he was weeping. The sparrows asked him why he was weeping, and he "told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence." Because the buckwheat let his pride get the best of him and didn't listen to the advice from the other plants, he ended up being burnt by lightning. It's important that we all learn from the buckwheat's mistakes so that we remember to be kind and listen to people when they give us advice.
Instead of entirely quoting the story, I wrote parts like "After the storm had passed, the other plants looked up and saw that" and "Drops of water began to fall off of the willow-tree and made it look like he was weeping. The sparrows asked him why he was weeping, and he" in my own words. I was still able to tell the reader about what happened and I was able to use my own words instead of just the text.
Original Text' While participants that study stay they have experienced unusual things!!!
Many things had happened to research participants during the study. First off, they had to sleep in MRI machines. The text states, " To observe the brain during sleep, the researchers asked the study's 13 participants to avoid their comfortable beds and instead spend the night sleeping inside a MRI machine. " To clarify, the MRI machines were used for observing the brain. Also, they had to wear caps. The text also states, "Each person was also required to wear an EEG (electroencephalography) cap." This shows each person had to wear a cap called an EEG. In short, some weird things happened while the study.
Corrections
While participants that study stay they have experienced unusual things!!!
****"'I'm not entirely sure what this says, but I went ahead and reworded it anyway because the prompt was more about what happened to the participants' brains."'
Researchers Get a Peek Into the Sleeping Brain
Many things had happened to research participants during the study.
****"'First, we need a better introduction sentence. You do this by introducing why there was a study in the first place. The introduction sentence should be kind of similar to the introduction given in the article (BUT DO NOT COPY IT). I also included the background on the study up to the point of the participants sleeping in MRI machines."'
Sleeping is beneficial for many reasons: "sleeping allows the body to repair and restore cells, get rid of irrelevant memories, and even help kids grow taller and obtain better grades." Recently, researchers have found that "snoozing for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." Dr. Laura Lewis, an assistant professor of biomedical engineering at Boston University, and a team of scientists recently conducted a study on how the human brain acts while people sleep.
First off, they had to sleep in MRI machines. The text states, " To observe the brain during sleep, the researchers asked the study's 13 participants to avoid their comfortable beds and instead spend the night sleeping inside a MRI machine. " To clarify, the MRI machines were used for observing the brain.
****"'These three sentences could all be smushed into one sentence that includes a quote."'
In order to be able to watch the brain while their participants slept, "the researchers asked the study's 13 participants to avoid their comfortable beds and instead spend the night sleeping inside an MRI machine."
Also, they had to wear caps. The text also states, "Each person was also required to wear an EEG (electroencephalography) cap." This shows each person had to wear a cap called an EEG.
****"'Like above, these sentences can also be smushed into one sentence that includes a quote."'
The participants were also "required to wear an EEG (electroencephalography) cap."
In short, some weird things happened while the study.
****"'This is the conclusion sentence, but since you didn't write very much at all, I wrote in the rest myself and then included the conclusion."'
The article says that "MRI machines allowed the scientists to measure the brain's blood oxygen and cerebrospinal fluid levels, while the EEG caps enabled them to monitor its electrical currents." The researchers found that "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle." Furthermore, the EEG readings displayed how "neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion." Even more interesting, "William Jagust, a professor of public health and neuroscience at the University of California, Berkeley, who was not involved in the study, believes the findings also suggest that people can reduce their risk of brain disorders like Alzheimer's by ensuring they prioritize high-quality sleep." The participants of this study certainly had to go through an uncomfortable situation, but scientists and brain-lovers alike are thankful!
Final Draft
Researchers Get a Peek Into the Sleeping Brain
Sleeping is beneficial for many reasons: "sleeping allows the body to repair and restore cells, get rid of irrelevant memories, and even help kids grow taller and obtain better grades." Recently, researchers have found that "snoozing for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." Dr. Laura Lewis, an assistant professor of biomedical engineering at Boston University, and a team of scientists recently conducted a study on how the human brain acts while people sleep. In order to be able to watch the brain while their participants slept, "the researchers asked the study's 13 participants to avoid their comfortable beds and instead spend the night sleeping inside an MRI machine." The participants were also "required to wear an EEG (electroencephalography) cap." The article says that "MRI machines allowed the scientists to measure the brain's blood oxygen and cerebrospinal fluid levels, while the EEG caps enabled them to monitor its electrical currents." The researchers found that "large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle." Furthermore, the EEG readings displayed how "neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion." Even more interesting, "William Jagust, a professor of public health and neuroscience at the University of California, Berkeley, who was not involved in the study, believes the findings also suggest that people can reduce their risk of brain disorders like Alzheimer's by ensuring they prioritize high-quality sleep." The participants of this study certainly had to go through an uncomfortable situation, but scientists and brain-lovers alike are thankful!
Megu, this paragraph was very short and provided little detail about what the article was even about. I can tell that you either didn't read or you just didn't put in as much effort as you usually do. I wrote most of this paragraph for you, but I won't do that again. Next time you need to do the reading and writing yourself. If you need help, don't be afraid to email your teacher or ask someone close to you. Edited by Lainey Morris
Original Draft Things We Can Do To Help Our Earth!!! There are some ways we can help improve our Earth. To begin with, we can conserve water by using less water than usual. The text states, "It might seem like it’s everywhere, but clean, drinkable water is a limited resource. In fact less than one percent of the water on Earth can be used by humans. (The rest is either too salty or too difficult to access.) Turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth can conserve up to eight gallons of water a day. To help save even more water, challenge yourself to take a shorter shower (but still get clean!)." This shows, you can save water by doing things to use less water. Additionally, we can protect the environment from by not cutting down trees. According to the text it says,"Researchers estimate roughly 15 billion trees in the world are cut down each year, so help offset that loss by planting a tree of your own. Trees absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen for people to breathe. They also provide shelter and food for animals such as squirrels and owls. Depending on where trees are planted, their shade can even reduce the need for air-conditioning in hotter months."To clarify, we shouldnt be cutting down trees because they are important to humans and animals. All in all, these are some ways we can help improve our Earth.
Corrections
There are some ways we can help improve our Earth.
****"'Here, the first thing is that in this context "earth" is not capitalized. I know, sometimes it's confusing for when you capitalize it, but here's how to remember: when Earth is being talked about as a specific planet, it's a proper noun, so it is capitalized. It is not capitalized when it has "the" or "our" or another article (like "a" or "an") or adjective in front of it. Okay! Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about this sentence. First, the reader needs to know the context. Why are you talking about the ways we can help Earth? After you give context, then you can go into the deeper topic of helping the earth."'
Happy Earth Day! Earth Day is a holiday all about raising "awareness about environmental issues." To celebrate, here are some ways that you can help protect our earth!
To begin with, we can save water by using less water than usual.
****"'I just reworded this sentence a little bit in order to stress how easy it is to help the earth. This makes the reader more interested in this topic because they feel like they can do these things being talked about."'
An easy way to start is by using less water than usual.
The text states, "It might seem like it’s everywhere, but clean, drinkable water is a limited resource. In fact less than one percent of the water on Earth can be used by humans. (The rest is either too salty or too difficult to access.) Turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth can conserve up to eight gallons of water a day. To help save even more water, challenge yourself to take a shorter shower (but still get clean!)."
****"'In this part, I broke it up a bit. I wrote it so it went like "my words + quote + my words + quote + my words + quote + my words + quote." This is an easy way to be able to make your sentence count and also make sure you're not just quoting the entire article. You get to use your own words to show that you read the article and understand it, too."'
An easy way to start is by using less water than usual. We don't usually think about how much water we use, but "clean, drinkable water is a limited resource. In fact less than one percent of the water on Earth can be used by humans. (The rest is either too salty or too difficult to access.)" Luckily, it's easy to conserve water with small actions like "Turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth,". This might not sound like much, but it can actually "conserve up to eight gallons of water a day." You can also "challenge yourself to take a shorter shower (but still get clean!)" to conserve water.
To clarify, you can conserve water by doing things to use less water.
****"'Here, the reader can assume that they can conserve water by using less water, so it isn't necessary to say this. I took this sentence out."'
Also, we can protect the environment from fossil fuels.
****"'This is another sentence I reworded a little bit."'
Another way to protect the environment is to cut down your use of fossil fuels.
According to the text it states, "Does that lamp really need to be on while the sun is out? Electricity doesn’t just happen—it has to be produced from things around us. A lot of times it comes from fossil fuels (such as coal, oil, or natural gas) that contribute to climate change. But electricity can also be made from renewable sources like wind, water, the sun, and even elephant dung! No matter where it’s coming from, try conserving electrical energy by using only what you need."
****"'This is a huge chunk of the article that doesn't leave you with much room to talk yourself if you leave it like this. However, if you do something similar to what I did with a long quote above, it will give you plenty of room to add your own words. You can also just rewrite what you've read in your own words - that also shows that you read the article and understood it."'
The electricity we use every day for our lights and charging our devices doesn't come out of nowhere, and often times "it comes from fossil fuels (such as coal, oil, or natural gas) that contribute to climate change." Conserving electricity by doing things like turning off the lights when you leave the room or when the sun is out can reduce the amount of fossil fuels that are in the environment and contributing to climate change.
This shows we can conserve electricity and stop the fossil fuels from building on to climate change.
****"'Again, I removed this sentence because it's something that the reader can assume based on what you've typed."'
In conclusion, these are some ways we can help improve our Earth.
****"'This conclusion sentence is basically the same as your introduction sentence, so we need to change it up a bit."'
Helping the planet might seem like a big task, but there are small things we can all do every day to help the earth.
Final Draft Happy Earth Day! Earth Day is a holiday all about raising "awareness about environmental issues." To celebrate, here are some ways that you can help protect our earth! An easy way to start is by using less water than usual. We don't usually think about how much water we use, but "clean, drinkable water is a limited resource. In fact less than one percent of the water on Earth can be used by humans. (The rest is either too salty or too difficult to access.)" Luckily, it's easy to conserve water with small actions like "Turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth,". This might not sound like much, but it can actually "conserve up to eight gallons of water a day." You can also "challenge yourself to take a shorter shower (but still get clean!)" to conserve water. Another way to protect the environment is to cut down your use of fossil fuels. The electricity we use every day for our lights and charging our devices doesn't come out of nowhere, and often times "it comes from fossil fuels (such as coal, oil, or natural gas) that contribute to climate change." Conserving electricity by doing things like turning off the lights when you leave the room or when the sun is out can reduce the amount of fossil fuels that are in the environment and contributing to climate change. Helping the planet might seem like a big task, but there are small things we can all do every day to help the earth.
Okay, Megu. The main thing with this paragraph was just how you would put large quotes in your paragraph, because then you didn't have to type anything. But doing that doesn't give you any space to write your own and improve on your skills, so it's important to rewrite things in your own words sometimes, or even just write your own words in between quotes like I did for one of the sentences. Also watch to make sure you intro and conclusion sentences aren't the same. You got this! Edited by Lainey Morris
Original Draft Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears
These boys are helping by buying things for people and delivering it to others so they don't have to go out because of the virus.It states in the text, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible." Another is that they help old people around where they live, it states, " The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors. Word spread quickly in the neighborhoods and they distributed flyers throughout the surrounding area." This evidence shows how they are helping other people like old people around them and other people as well. All in all,These boys are helping by buying things for people and delivering it to others.
Corrections
Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears
Teens Helping Seniors: How Maryland Teenagers Are Helping Their Community
These boys are helping by buying things for people and delivering it to others so they don't have to go out because of the virus.
****"'This isn't a very descriptive introduction sentence. The reader needs some more context, like who the boys are and who they're buying things for."'
Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai, two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland, are doing their part to help out their community. Due to the coronavirus outbreak, some members of their neighborhoods have been unable or afraid to go out to get things they need. In response, Casertano and Pai created Teens Helping Seniors, a service project that allows "Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need."
It states in the text, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible."
****"'Since I named the service project in my new sentence above, we don't have to re-state what it is. But in the future, you need to give that context so the reader knows what you're talking about. I'm also going to use the other details from this quote further down instead of here."'
Another is that they help old people around where they live, it states, " The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors. Word spread quickly in the neighborhoods and they distributed flyers throughout the surrounding area."
****"'I kept this same quote, but I took out the part where you said "Another is that they help old people around where they live, it states,". I also took out a little bit of the beginning of the quote so that I could add some of my own words and still be able to use this quote from the article."'
The idea for this project "came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors. Word spread quickly in the neighborhoods and they distributed flyers throughout the surrounding area."
This evidence shows how they are helping other people like old people around them and other people as well.
****"'Here, I took this sentence out and added the part about how the teenagers are being very careful while they shop for the people they serve. I also added how the project has spread even farther."'
In order to make sure that they don't accidentally infect the people they're helping with the coronavirus, "teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible." The news of this project has spread across Maryland and even made its way to Washington, D.C..
All in all,These boys are helping by buying things for people and delivering it to others.
****"'An opening like "all in all," sounds like you're going to say something that describes the story without using exactly what happened. For example, if I read a story about a girl's birthday party and all of the fun things she did and the cake she ate, I could say, "All in all, she had a great birthday." instead of, "All in all, she did a lot of fun things and ate cake.". Do you see what I mean? Unfortunately, "all in all" isn't a good phrase to use for this story anyway (it's also a very casual phrase), so I reworded it instead."'
Thanks to just two teen boys, seniors and others are no longer stressed about getting what they need.
Final Draft Teens Helping Seniors: How Maryland Teenagers Are Helping Their Community Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai, two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland, are doing their part to help out their community. Due to the coronavirus outbreak, some members of their neighborhoods have been unable or afraid to go out to get things they need. In response, Casertano and Pai created Teens Helping Seniors, a service project that allows "Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need." The idea for this project "came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors. Word spread quickly in the neighborhoods and they distributed flyers throughout the surrounding area." In order to make sure that they don't accidentally infect the people they're helping with the coronavirus, "teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible." The news of this project has spread across Maryland and even made its way to Washington, D.C.. Thanks to just two teen boys, seniors and others are no longer stressed about getting what they need.
For this, mostly focus on the order of your details. In your original draft, it was kind of like you were going up and down the article when you were adding details. Add your quotes and details from the article so that they all flow together in order. Also, watch capitalization. Just keep reading my comments, practice, and you'll get there! Don't be afraid to ask someone for help! Edited by Lainey Morris
Original Draft
Celebrating the 50th Anniversary Of Earth Day Without Leaving your Homes
There are two ways that the story tells us that Earth day is being celebrated. One way is by telling us the day that it is celebrated , if the text doesn't tell us the day that it is being celebrated , that means that it isn't a real celebrant that people around the world or the USA celebrant's. It states, "Earth Day, which is celebrated annually on April 22, is usually commemorated with outdoor activities demonstrating support for environmental protection." This shows the day Earth day is being celebrated and shows that it is something that people celebrate. Another reason is that the text tells us that there are things that people do in Earth day, it states, "These include planting trees, collecting roadside or beach trash, and conducting, or participating in, recycling and conservation programs. ..The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home. " This evidence shows how there are things and activities to do when celebrating Earths day. All in all,There are two ways that the story tells us that Earth day is being celebrated.
Corrections
Celebrating the 50th Anniversary Of Earth Day Without Leaving your Homes
****"'For this, I just edited a few things. also, "your" should be capitalized."'
How You Can Celebrate the 50th Anniversary of Earth Day from Home
There are two ways that the story tells us that Earth day is being celebrated.
****"'This sentence isn't really a good introduction, so I added some more context about what Earth Day is (make sure you capitalize both words), when it's celebrated, and why it's being celebrated differently this year."'
This year is the 50th anniversary of Earth Day, a holiday on April 22 that is dedicated to the environment. The holiday is "usually commemorated with outdoor activities demonstrating support for environmental protection." People often will plant trees, pick up litter, or just recycle. Sadly, the coronavirus shutdowns are keeping people from celebrating like they usually would. Luckily, this story tells of a few great ways to celebrate from home.
One way is by telling us the day that it is celebrated , if the text doesn't tell us the day that it is being celebrated , that means that it isn't a real celebrant that people around the world or the USA celebrant's.
****"'This sentence is kind of confusing and throws the reader off. I removed this sentence because of this. Also, just telling us that Earth Day is celebrated is not a way to celebrate. The article tells us about a few ways to celebrate that you can choose from."'
It states, "Earth Day, which is celebrated annually on April 22, is usually commemorated with outdoor activities demonstrating support for environmental protection."
****"'This detail is good for the introduction to the story, which is why I included this within the first few sentences. So, I took it out here."'
This shows the day Earth day is being celebrated and shows that it is something that people celebrate.
****"'The prompt for this paragraph is supposed to be about how people can celebrate from home since they can't celebrate like they usually would because of the coronavirus. This year people aren't able to do the things you mentioned in the quote. I took this part out too."'
Another reason is that the text tells us that there are things that people do in Earth day, it states, "These include planting trees, collecting roadside or beach trash, and conducting, or participating in, recycling and conservation programs. ..The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home. "
****"'Okay, you jumped pretty far with this quote. First, yes, people do all of those outdoor things to celebrate Earth Day, but the point is that they can't do that this year because of the coronavirus. For the second half of this quote, you don't even mention what this collection is. I took out the first part and elaborated on the second part. I also included, from the beginning paragraph, how there are many people who have come up with ways to celebrate online."'
his year, "organizations, educators, and activists worldwide have devised numerous ways to mark the 50th anniversary of this all-important holiday, which is dedicated to climate action this year, without leaving the comfort of your homes." Even NASA is releasing "an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit." Toolkit is a "collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home." This way, families everywhere can still celebrate and have fun while staying safe at home.
This evidence shows how there are things and activities to do when celebrating Earths day.
****"'Again, this wasn't about what things there are to do while celebrating Earth Day in general, it was about how you can celebrate this year since the coronavirus has caused shutdowns all over the world. I took this sentence out too."'
All in all,There are two ways that the story tells us that Earth day is being celebrated.
****"'You didn't included two ways that Earth Day is being celebrated this year, so I included another way for you, but I won't always be doing that. Make sure you read closely to the instructions. I also created a more conclusive sentence."'
In California, the counties of Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento will celebrate with an event called "The Earth Day Sing Out." Residents of these communities "are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the 30 suggested songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020." The submissions that residents send in "will be played on the local radio station at specified times on April 22 for all to hear." These California residents will get to celebrate with their singing from home too! Staying at home all the time might not be very fun, but there are still fun ways to have a good time to celebrate Earth Day!
Final Draft How You Can Celebrate the 50th Anniversary of Earth Day from Home This year is the 50th anniversary of Earth Day, a holiday on April 22 that is dedicated to the environment. The holiday is "usually commemorated with outdoor activities demonstrating support for environmental protection." People often will plant trees, pick up litter, or just recycle. Sadly, the coronavirus shutdowns are keeping people from celebrating like they usually would. Luckily, this story tells of a few great ways to celebrate from home. This year, "organizations, educators, and activists worldwide have devised numerous ways to mark the 50th anniversary of this all-important holiday, which is dedicated to climate action this year, without leaving the comfort of your homes." Even NASA is releasing "an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit." Toolkit is a "collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home." This way, families everywhere can still celebrate and have fun while staying safe at home. In California, the counties of Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento will celebrate with an event called "The Earth Day Sing Out." Residents of these communities "are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the 30 suggested songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020." The submissions that residents send in "will be played on the local radio station at specified times on April 22 for all to hear." These California residents will get to celebrate with their singing from home too! Staying at home all the time might not be very fun, but there are still fun ways to have a good time to celebrate Earth Day!
Mainly, just make sure you're reading closely to what the instructions are. Reading directions is extremely important, because you might miss something really important otherwise. If you get confused, ask someone close to you or a teacher for help. You can do it! Edited by Lainey Morris
Original Draft
Ending Childhood Hunger William has accomplished things in life. To begin with, has expanded his mission. In the text it states," Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission, too." This shows that he was able to collect as much food as he can and was able to expand his mission . Another text evidence is ," Many children, not just William and Alexander, still help make Food Drive Kids’ food drive a success. More than 100 kids from the boys’ school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks. " This means that he was now able to find a way to stop hunger for kids and now has other kids helping them give food to the poor or the people who are starving. In conclusion, William has stopped Childhood hunger by doing things that are stated in this article.
Corrections
Ending Childhood Hunger
****"'This is a good title! I added just a little something to go ahead and clue the reader in on the fact that your paragraph is about a kid. That way, the reader is already interested."'
One Kid's Journey to End Childhood Hunger
William has accomplished things in life.
****"'First, who is William? You can't start a story without introducing the main character, so for this paragraph, you have to first introduce William and give a brief background so the reader knows why this article is about him."'
14 year old William Winslow from North Carolina has a passion for ending childhood hunger. It all started when he was in first grade - William learned "that as many as 1 in 5 kids in his state were at risk for hunger — including some of his classmates." He then convinced his mom to take him to a local Food Lion, where "he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
To begin with, has expanded his mission.
****"'How did he expand his mission? I added the name of his organization to give more context."'
He founded his own organization, Food Drive Kids, in order to expand his mission and help as many children as he can.
In the text it states," Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission, too."
****"'I kept most of this quote, but I cut out a little from the beginning so that you have room to add your own words, and I cut off some from the end too."'
It's been seven years since he started, and now "he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree."
This shows that he was able to collect as much food as he can and was able to expand his mission .
****"'I deleted this part because it wasn't necessary because the reader could tell these things just by reading the paragraph."'
Another text evidence is ," Many children, not just William and Alexander, still help make Food Drive Kids’ food drive a success. More than 100 kids from the boys’ school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks. "
****"'Instead of "another text evidence is", you would say "another piece of evidence from the text is". However, I took this part out anyway so that I could add more context about who Alexander is and how he helps William. This gave me another opportunity to write in my own words and explain to the reader another piece of information. Then I added the quote about the other kids helping them."'
William even includes his little brother, Alexander, who works as head of advertising. William and Alexander aren't working alone though, "More than 100 kids from the boys’ school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks."
This means that he was now able to find a way to stop hunger for kids and now has other kids helping them give food to the poor or the people who are starving.
****"'The reader can tell these things just by reading the paragraph. Instead, I added the quote about why William prefers kid volunteers."'
William says that he prefers to work with kid volunteers "because they don’t think something is impossible. They just want to do it, and it ends up being possible.”
In conclusion, William has stopped Childhood hunger by doing things that are stated in this article.
****"'I just sort of reworded this part to make it flow better."'
William is doing great things throughout his community so that he can help put an end to childhood hunger, and he is an inspiration to us all.
Final Draft One Kid's Journey to End Childhood Hunger 14 year old William Winslow from North Carolina has a passion for ending childhood hunger. It all started when he was in first grade - William learned "that as many as 1 in 5 kids in his state were at risk for hunger — including some of his classmates." He then convinced his mom to take him to a local Food Lion, where "he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." He founded his own organization, Food Drive Kids, in order to expand his mission and help as many children as he can. It's been seven years since he started, and now "he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." William even includes his little brother, Alexander, who works as head of advertising. William and Alexander aren't working alone though, "More than 100 kids from the boys’ school and Scout groups turn out in April to hand out food lists to shoppers, collect purchased boxed and canned items and load them into trucks." William says that he prefers to work with kid volunteers "because they don’t think something is impossible. They just want to do it, and it ends up being possible.” William is doing great things throughout his community so that he can help put an end to childhood hunger, and he is an inspiration to us all.
This was some better work. Just make sure you read my comments and notes so that you can really improve!
Edited by Lainey Morris
Original Draft
Requirements you need in order to become an astronaut.
If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are requirements you need to have. One thing that you must need to become an astronaut is a high level college degree which is a masters degree in stem and you need to have experience on flying jet airplanes.Another thing that you need to be an astronaut is that you need to have good eyesight and you have to be in a good physical shape, you also need to be able to get along with your pears. In the text states , "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Another evidence is, "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." These two text evidence shows how you need a lot of requirements to become an astronaut. It also shows how you need to be perfect to be an astronaut, you need perfect eyesight, you need perfect body, you need to be good at cooperative to each and every one of your pears, and you need to have a perfect education. In short, If you want to be an astronaut you need to have these requirements.
Corrections
Requirements you need in order to become an astronaut.
****"'I'm glad you put a title! However, it's a bit long, so I shortened it a little bit."'
How to Become an Astronaut
If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are requirements you need to have.
****"'This is a true statement; however, I thought it would be helpful to put some more context. This article was specifically about NASA's requirements, so I added that in. Also, if you say "If a person wants to be an astronaut," it should be followed by "there are requirements they need to have." If you were going to end it with "there are requirements you need to have, then you would say "If you want to be an astronaut". I took this part out, but I just wanted to clear that part up for you."'
If you have dreams of being an astronaut, you will have to make sure you meet all of NASA's many requirements.
One thing that you must need to become an astronaut is a high level college degree which is a masters degree in stem and you need to have experience on flying jet airplanes.
****"'I rewrote this sentence and added a quote from the article because it could be kind of confusing for the reader since you didn't put any commas. Also, it is a master's degree with an apostrophe, and "STEM" should be in all caps.
First, NASA requires their astronauts to have "a master's degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math)." NASA also requires that their "Astronaut Candidates" "have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."
Another thing that you need to be an astronaut is that you need to have good eyesight and you have to be in a good physical shape, you also need to be able to get along with your pears.
****"'First, the word you were looking for here was "peers", not "pears". A pear is a yummy green fruit that grows on a tree, and a peer is someone who is your age who you interact with a lot. I also used part of the article as a quote here as well and broke it up into two chunks to create two separate sentences."'
If those two requirements weren't difficult enough, candidates also need "near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape." Although, one of their easier requirements is being "good at working with other people - able to lead, and be able to work as part of a team."
In the text states , "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."
****"'Since we already mentioned this part above, we don't need to mention it again. So, I took this part out."'
Another evidence is, "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."
****"'I took this part out for the same reason as the part before this. Also, you would say "another piece of evidence", not just "another evidence.""'
These two text evidence shows how you need a lot of requirements to become an astronaut.
****"'I kind of incorporated this part into the conclusion sentence and rewrote it."'
It also shows how you need to be perfect to be an astronaut, you need perfect eyesight, you need perfect body, you need to be good at cooperative to each and every one of your pears, and you need to have a perfect education.
****"'To be clear, nobody is perfect! The article said you need near perfect eyesight and that you need to be in good shape. Just because someone's in shape that doesn't mean they have a perfect body! Healthy and in shape look different for everyone, and nobody is perfect. Also, having a master's degree is a huge accomplishment, but that doesn't mean that it's perfect. To get a master's degree, it takes a lot of hard work, and I'm sure those people make mistakes along the way. But you know what? That's okay! Our imperfections are what make us all unique. For example, my pinkies are crooked, but I think they're pretty cool! Being perfect is not possible, we are all only human beings - and that is totally okay! :)"'
In short, If you want to be an astronaut you need to have these requirements.
****"'For this part, I took that part from earlier, reworded it a bit, and added a little bit more to make it more conclusive."'
Becoming an astronaut is no easy task - it requires a lot of hard work and determination. If you put your mind to it though, and work really hard, maybe you could be an astronaut too.
Final Draft
How to Become an Astronaut
If you have dreams of being an astronaut, you will have to make sure you meet all of NASA's many requirements. First, NASA requires their astronauts to have "a master's degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math)." NASA also requires that their "Astronaut Candidates" "have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." If those two requirements weren't difficult enough, candidates also need "near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape." Although, one of their easier requirements is being "good at working with other people - able to lead, and be able to work as part of a team." Becoming an astronaut is no easy task - it requires a lot of hard work and determination. If you put your mind to it though, and work really hard, maybe you could be an astronaut too.
This was good! I could tell you read the article, but make sure you're not repeating yourself by saying one thing and then adding the same quote after it. You can get creative sometimes as long as it has to do with your topic! The conclusion sentence I wrote wasn't anything in particular that I pulled from the article, but I got a little creative and wrote a good sentence. You got this! Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris
De Blasio says NYC school buildings will close for the rest of the year, but Cuomo thinks the opposite thing. One opposing view is that some people thinks that closing the schools is a great idea. It states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,” This shows how some people think that closing the schools is a good idea because it reduces the amount of people getting Covid - 19. Others think that closing schools are bad. Another evidence is, "Look at what they’ve had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now making it difficult to gauge how many students may be left behind." This shows that closing schools can be a difficulty for some people.In short, these are the opposing veiws of De Blasio and Cuomo.
De Blasio says NYC school buildings will close for the rest of the year, but Cuomo thinks the opposite thing.
****"'A few things here: first, we need to explain who de Blasio and Cuomo are. This is one of those moments where you just assume that the reader is from Mars and doesn't know the details that you're talking about. Also, just a little more context about this story will be helpful in creating a more well-rounded opening sentence."'
On Saturday, New York City's mayor, Bill de Blasio, announced that schools will close for the rest of the academic year; however, Governor Andrew Cuomo isn't so sure, calling the mayor's announcement "premature".
One opposing view is that some people thinks that closing the schools is a great idea. It states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,” This shows how some people think that closing the schools is a good idea because it reduces the amount of people getting Covid - 19.
****"'With this little section, I kind of rearranged some things. I brought your quote to the front instead and also added who it was that said it in order to give the reader some more context so they aren't questioning who said what. After, I added how many people agreed and explained why, using what you said in the last sentence of this little section. I also reworded things a little bit to make it more fluid."'
De Blasio says that "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,". Many people agree and think schools for the rest of the academic year is a good idea because it reduces the amount of people contracting COVID-19.
Others think that closing schools are bad.
****"'Here, I reworded things a little bit and added "On the other hand," to the front of the sentence to create a better transition to this next thought. I reworded it because the people aren't necessarily believing that closing schools is bad, because they know it will help stamp out the coronavirus, but they are seeing the negative results instead and that's what's making them upset. Also, I changed "are bad" to "is bad" because in this context, what you are describing as bad is the actual closing of the schools, not the schools themselves. So you say "closing is bad", not closing are bad"."'
On the other hand, people are also recognizing the negatives of closing schools.
Another evidence is, "Look at what they’ve had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now making it difficult to gauge how many students may be left behind." This shows that closing schools can be a difficulty for some people.
****"'I thought that some extra information could be useful here. I noticed that this quote is kind of a combination of two separate quotes from the article, one from the mayor and one from the original author of the article. To fix this, I used the mayor's quote and added the other part separately. I also elaborated on that quote and went on to explain why the closing of schools is difficult for some people. I then added the mayor's plan to remedy this issue. Also, instead of saying "another evidence", you would say "another piece of evidence.""'
De Blasio expressed his own concerns, saying "Look at what they’ve had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now,”. De Blasio also described the numbers of attendance in remote classes as "discouraging"; however, the city has not yet released those numbers, which makes it difficult to tell how many students may really be left behind. Closing schools and switching to online learning is very difficult for some people, because some kids lack access to computers and internet; however, de Blasio has said that every child who does not have a device will receive one by the end of April.
In short, these are the opposing veiws of De Blasio and Cuomo.
I changed this a little bit to give a better wrap up and conclusion. Also, instead of "veiws", the word is spelled "views".
On Saturday, New York City's mayor, Bill de Blasio, announced that schools will close for the rest of the academic year; however, Governor Andrew Cuomo isn't so sure, calling the mayor's announcement "premature". De Blasio says that "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,". Many people agree and think schools for the rest of the academic year is a good idea because it reduces the amount of people contracting COVID-19. On the other hand, people are also recognizing the negatives of closing schools. De Blasio expressed his own concerns, saying "Look at what they’ve had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now,”. De Blasio also described the numbers of attendance in remote classes as "discouraging"; however, the city has not yet released those numbers, which makes it difficult to tell how many students may really be left behind. Closing schools and switching to online learning is very difficult for some people, because some kids lack access to computers and internet; however, de Blasio has said that every child who does not have a device will receive one by the end of April. It is more than likely that the mayor's own announcement will be what sticks, but he and Governor Cuomo continue to have opposing views.
This was a pretty good job! I could tell you really read the whole article and understood it. Just work on your spelling and those little grammar issues I mentioned above. Keep it up! Edited by Lainey Morris
Reasons why Tiger Salamanders are coming back to Maryland
Tiger salamanders come back to Maryland for many reasons. To begin with, Maryland's Eastern shore is a great place for vegetation management and it is a good natural breeding habitat for the salamanders. The story states "Maryland's Eastern Shore, where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders." To clarify, the Eastern tiger salamanders went back to Maryland for this reason. To add on, the estimated population of salamanders is very large. The story also states "How are Eastern tiger salamanders populations doing in Maryland?... population estimate would be 1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders." To clarify, salamanders are probably commonly seen in Maryland near the Eastern shore. All in all, Tiger salamanders were gone from Maryland but made a comeback!
Tiger salamanders come back to Maryland for many reasons.
****"'This sentence is really abrupt for an opening sentence, so that's why it's so helpful to add a little extra context for a smoother introduction that will hook your reader. I made some changes to the sentence to achieve this, and then added how there are reasons for the salamanders' return in the following sentence."'
After many years, Eastern tiger salamanders are returning to Maryland.
To begin with, Maryland's Eastern shore is a great place for vegetation management and it is a good natural breeding habitat for the salamanders. The story states "Maryland's Eastern Shore, where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders."
****"'This is one of those cases where you can combine sentences to create a shorter, but useful and informative sentence. Here, I combined these sentences."'
One of the reasons for the return of these salamanders is Maryland's Eastern shore, "where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders."
To clarify, the Eastern tiger salamanders went back to Maryland for this reason.
****"'Since we've already talked about how the details in the previous sentence are a reason for the return of these salamanders to Maryland, we don't have to say that it's a reason again. For this reason, I removed this sentence."'
To add on, the estimated population of salamanders is very large. The story also states "How are Eastern tiger salamanders populations doing in Maryland?... population estimate would be 1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders."
****"'Here again is one of those instances where combining sentences is useful. Instead of having these as two separate sentences, I combined them. I also took out the first part of the quote."'
The estimated population of the salamanders is also very large now, at about "1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders."
To clarify, salamanders are probably commonly seen in Maryland near the Eastern shore.
****"'The sentence before this one wasn't really confusing, so we don't need to say "To clarify". Instead, just explain that these salamanders are primarily seen in the area that you described."'
These salamanders are primarily seen near Maryland's Eastern shore.
All in all, Tiger salamanders were gone from Maryland but made a comeback!
****"'Now this is a great conclusion sentence! It's different from your introduction sentence and it sounds pretty good! I'm really excited that you did this! The only things I changed were the capitalization of "tiger" (it needs to be lowercase because it was lowercase in the article) and I took out the part that said "were gone" and just kind of rearranged the sentence, but still kept the tone you made and the general idea."'
All in all, tiger salamanders are finally making a comeback in Maryland!
After many years, Eastern tiger salamanders are returning to Maryland. One of the reasons for the return of these salamanders is Maryland's Eastern shore, "where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders." The estimated population of the salamanders is also very large now, at about "1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders." These salamanders are primarily seen near Maryland's Eastern shore. All in all, tiger salamanders are finally making a comeback in Maryland!
This was a great job! Your paragraphs are definitely improving and I'm so proud! Your conclusion sentence was particularly great and I'm so glad you changed it to be different from your introduction sentence. I think as long as you keep reading my suggestions and explanations, you'll continue to improve! Awesome work! Edited by Lainey Morris
Super moons are different from regular moons that we see. First off, the supermoon is the closest moon in history unlike a regular moon.. In the text it states, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 Super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history." This shows, that the super moon is more closer than the average moon, and is the closest moon ever in history unlike the regular moon we see every night.Also, super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon. The text says, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon,"This shows that the super moon is more brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night. In conclusion, this is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.
****"'Don't forget your title!"'
The 2020 Supermoon
Super moons are different from regular moons that we see.
**** "'This is good, but we still need some more introduction. If you were to go up to someone and say, "Supermoons are different from regular moons that we see." they would be confused and probably ask you why you're telling them that. So it's helpful if you put something else that will add some context to your topic. Also, make sure that you make "Supermoon" one word."'
Tonight, on April 7, 2020, there will be a Supermoon. Supermoons are different from regular moons that we usually see in the night sky.
First off, the supermoon is the closest moon in history unlike a regular moon..
**** "'Here, we need to make sure that Supermoon is capitalized because it is a proper noun. Also make sure you're using only one period (I bet that was probably just an accident though). I also changed this sentence a bit because saying "the supermoon is the closest moon" doesn't really make sense because the reader doesn't know what you mean it's the closest to (is it the closest moon to Mars? To Venus? To McDonald's?)."'
Unlike a regular moon, the Supermoon is closer to Earth.
In the text it states, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 Super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history."
****"'I edited this sentence just a little bit to give it a smoother flow."'
The text says that this Supermoon "will be about 221, 773 miles (356, 909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 Supermoon, which at 221, 524 miles (356, 508 km) was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history."
This shows, that the super moon is more closer than the average moon, and is the closest moon ever in history unlike the regular moon we see every night.Also, super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon. The text says, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon,"This shows that the super moon is more brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night.
**** "'I edited a lot of this chunk, just because there was a lot that you could go ahead and get rid of. For the first sentence, the reader knows now after the quote and what you've already said that this moon is a lot closer and unlike the moons we usually see. As far as the next sentence, the quote, and the sentence after that, you can put that all into one smooth sentence. Grammar note: saying "more closer" is incorrect. The word "more" is a modifier, meaning that it kind of changes the meaning of a word. At the same time, the suffix "er" does about the same thing. So I could say that I am "more hungry" or I am "hungrier" - both of those mean the same thing. However, you can only use one at a time. So in this context, you would just say that the moon is CLOSER."'
The Supermoon is also "seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon,".
In conclusion, this is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.
****"'This sentence is almost the same as your opening sentence, so we need to change that. It's good to tie the end to the beginning, but they don't have to sound totally the same."'
Supermoons aren't like the moons we usually see, go outside and see it tonight!
****"'Also remember to add your source!"'
The 2020 Supermoon Tonight, on April 7, 2020, there will be a Supermoon. Supermoons are different from regular moons that we usually see in the night sky. Unlike a regular moon, the Supermoon is closer to Earth. The text says that this Supermoon "will be about 221, 773 miles (356, 909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 Supermoon, which at 221, 524 miles (356, 508 km) was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history." The Supermoon is also "seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon,". Supermoons aren't like the moons we usually see, go outside and see it tonight!
- "'This was good! Keep up the good work and make sure you're reading my suggestions. If you need to, don't be afraid to read back over your work for errors or things you might have missed! You've got this!"'
Edited by Lainey Morris
Social distancing(cons and pros)
There are both negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing. One positive reason why you should practice social distancing is so you can limit the spread of COVID-19 According to the text it states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing".This shows that social distancing can sometimes prevent people from getting the virus. A negative reason why you shouldn't practice social distancing is because even being 6 feet away can also spread germs. According to the text it states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing. In the text it also states,"Even standing 6 feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. To elaborate, social distancing can still result to spread of the virus.All in all, this is why it is negative and positive for practicing social distancing.
Social distancing(cons and pros)
****"'Yay! This is a great title for this paragraph! I'm just going to tweak it a tad and swap "cons and pros" for "pros and cons"; also, always make sure you capitalize the words in your title!"'
Social Distancing: Pros and Cons
There are both negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing.
****"'This is a good sentence about the main topic of your paragraph; however, we still need to introduce it a little bit more. Imagine that you're writing this paragraph for someone who lives on Mars. They have no idea what the coronavirus or social distancing are! Explain what social distancing is first, and then discuss how it has pros and cons."'
Due to the outbreak of COVID-19, people are being advised to practice social distancing. Social distancing includes things like "avoiding mass gatherings" and "maintaining distance" in order to keep COVID-19 from spreading even more. This new practice is helpful, but is found to have both positive and negative effects.
One positive reason why you should practice social distancing is so you can limit the spread of COVID-19 According to the text it states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing".This shows that social distancing can sometimes prevent people from getting the virus.
****"'I lumped all three of these sentences together because I think they can all be put into one shorter sentence. All three of these sentences are saying essentially the same thing. Instead, you can summarize all of this in one sentence."'
According to the text, social distancing can sometimes prevent people from getting the virus.
A negative reason why you shouldn't practice social distancing is because even being 6 feet away can also spread germs.
****"'One thing here is that instead of "6" you should type out "six". A good rule of thumb is that if the number is between smaller than 10, you will write out the whole word, but if it is 10 or bigger, you just type the digits (six vs. 26). Also, I think you got confused with the message of this article and prompt - you should still socially distance! Doctors and scientists and government leaders still are urging everyone to socially distance. You're just trying to find reasons why social distancing might be negative (for example, you can't go to your friends' houses anymore to hang out)."'
According to the text it states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing. In the text it also states,"Even standing 6 feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes.
****"'In the sentence before this one you say the same thing that you quote in this sentence, so instead, push them both together to make one sentence."'
The text also says that "Even standing fix feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes."
To elaborate, social distancing can still result to spread of the virus.All in all, this is why it is negative and positive for practicing social distancing.
****"'I didn't write anything else after this part, just because I think you were confused on the assignment."'
Social Distancing: Pros and Cons Due to the outbreak of COVID-19, people are being advised to practice social distancing. Social distancing includes things like "avoiding mass gatherings" and "maintaining distance" in order to keep COVID-19 from spreading even more. This new practice is helpful, but is found to have both positive and negative effects. According to the text, social distancing can sometimes prevent people from getting the virus. The text also says that "Even standing fix feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes." Luckily, social distancing can limit that from happening.
- "'Okay, this paragraph was a little on the short side. I didn't want to add in extra to compensate for things you left out, because I want you to be able to write things on your own. I'm only here to help you learn how to polish your writing, not do it for you. I could also tell that you maybe didn't understand the prompt of this assignment; you were supposed to find the positive and negative effects of social distancing, not the positive and negative reasons. You did well in finding a positive, which is limiting the spread of coronavirus, but for your negative, you said that you shouldn't practice social distancing. Instead, you should've been looking for ways that social distancing can be negative; for example, people can't go out and see their friends and family right now because of social distancing, and that's making many people sad. That's a negative effect of social distancing. If you're ever confused on an assignment, don't be afraid to ask someone for help or email your teacher!"'
Edited by Lainey Morris
There are some ways students can learn best while studying online.To begin with they can move distractions away from them.In the text it states"Remove any distractions from the space, and if possible, make it separate from your bed or sofa. A clear distinction between where you study and where you take breaks can help you focus."To clarify,moving distractions can help you focus.To add on,friends can help you.The text says" Saying or thinking what you’re going to do may not be enough to complete the work you have set for yourself. Sometimes telling your friends about the h.w., projects, classes, or courses you’re taking help keep you to completing them as well as posting achievements to your social media accounts. Having a community and support network of friends and family to cheer you on makes a difference."To elaborate,its good sharing what you finished.In short,these are some of the ways students can learn best while studying online.
I went ahead and added a title since you didn't have one.
How to Learn Best During Online Studying
There are some ways students can learn best while studying online.
This is a good opener for what you're going to talk about, but you still need a little more of an introduction to the topic.
Studying online can be a challenge for students, but there are many ways to still learn well while working from home.
To begin with they can move distractions away from them.In the text it states"Remove any distractions from the space, and if possible, make it separate from your bed or sofa.
Make sure that you're putting space between the end of each sentence (ex. "...away from them. In the text..." instead of "...away from them.In the text.."). Since these two sentences are saying the same thing, go ahead and combine them to make it flow better.
The texts recommends that you "Remove any distractions from the space, and if possible, make it separate from your bed or sofa."
A clear distinction between where you study and where you take breaks can help you focus."
I took this part of the quotation out so that you could include more of your words and work on summarizing. So, instead of just putting the quote, you can write in your own words what you have read.
Separating the study space from the place where you relax can be helpful in focusing.
To clarify,moving distractions can help you focus.
Since your paragraph is about ways to help students focus and do well in online classes, we can assume that the reader has realized that moving the distractions can help you focus, so you don't need this sentence. Instead of saying things like "to clarify" in a new sentence, you can just add more details in a new sentence in the future.
To add on,friends can help you.The text says" Saying or thinking what you’re going to do may not be enough to complete the work you have set for yourself. Sometimes telling your friends about the h.w., projects, classes, or courses you’re taking help keep you to completing them as well as posting achievements to your social media accounts.
Again, make sure you're separating the ends of your sentences, and watch where you have quotations (make sure it's directly against the first word inside the quotations: "Saying..." instead of " Saying...")! Since this quote is kind of long, I took it out and used that as another opportunity to summarize and combine sentences.
The text also mentions that friends and social media accounts can be helpful, saying that telling them about any sort of school responsibilities you have is useful in holding you accountable and making sure you're completing your tasks.
Having a community and support network of friends and family to cheer you on makes a difference."
Having a strong support network like this can make a big difference in success, and sharing what you've accomplished is a useful way to encourage good work.
To elaborate,its good sharing what you finished.In short,these are some of the ways students can learn best while studying online.
Make sure that you leave space between a comma and the following word ("elaborate, it's..." instead of "elaborate,it's") and still make sure you're keeping sentences separate! You've done a good job elaborating on why friends and social media are useful for doing well in online classes, so the first sentence here isn't necessary. Lastly, good job using transitional phrases! However, your concluding sentence is almost identical to your opening sentence. Make sure your concluding sentence wraps up your paragraph without directly quoting the beginning. If your concluding sentence is good enough, you won't even need a phrase like "in short"!
For students everywhere, studying online is new and maybe challenging, but there are still many steps that we can take to learn well while working online.
How to Learn Best During Online Studying
Studying online can be a challenge for students, but there are many ways to still learn well while working from home. The texts recommends that you "Remove any distractions from the space, and if possible, make it separate from your bed or sofa." Separating the study space from the place where you relax can be helpful in focusing. The text also mentions that friends and social media accounts can be helpful, saying that telling them about any sort of school responsibilities you have is useful in holding you accountable and making sure you're completing your tasks. Having a strong support network like this can make a big difference in succes. s, and sharing what you've accomplished is a useful way to encourage good work. For students everywhere, studying online is new and maybe challenging, but there are still many steps that we can take to learn well while working online.
I can see you using transitional phrases and using quotes from what you've read - great job! Just make sure you're separating your sentences and be careful of your quotation placement. It can be helpful to read back over what you've written to check for any careless errors. This is a good start, keep working hard! Edited by Lainey Morris
