April 22,2020
Earth day a very special day we celebrate it at April 22 at this day we take care of earth but the thing is in this type of season most people can not celebrate it. The corona is spreading so we have to be careful that we don't go out side. this day is meant to appericiate what earth has done to us we love earth so we celebrate this holiday.
Original Version:
Earth day a very special day we celebrate it at April 22 at this day we take care of earth but the thing is in this type of season most people can not celebrate it. The corona is spreading so we have to be careful that we don't go out side. this day is meant to appericiate what earth has done to us we love earth so we celebrate this holiday.
Corrections:
Earth Day a very special holiday that we celebrate on April 22.
- This sentence was at first a run-on sentence. I edited it to make it shorter and grammatically correct. I split the sentence into three different sentences. Also “Earth Day” should be capitalized as it is a holiday. The preposition “at” is incorrect, as it should be “on.” I also rephrased the sentence to improve the grammar.
It is a day that we take care of the earth.
- You need the article “the” in front of “earth.”
However, most people cannot celebrate Earth Day this year.
- It should be “cannot” in this context. I also reworded the sentence to make what you are saying clearer.
The coronavirus is spreading, so we have to be careful that we don't go outside.
- Because you used the definite article “the,” it should be spelt “coronavirus.” You were also missing a comma before the word “so.” “Outside” was also miswritten in the original version, it should be one word.
This holiday is meant to appreciate what earth has done for us as well as celebrate the love we have for it.
- “This” should be capitalized as it is the first word in the sentence. I also corrected the spelling of “appreciate.” It should be “for us,” not “to us.” This is because the Earth isn’t doing to us, but it is doing something for us. I also reworded parts of the sentence to help the flow and grammar of the sentence.
Good job! I suggest that you proofread your writing in case there are spelling errors.
Final Version:
Earth Day a very special holiday that we celebrate on April 22. It is a day that we take care of the earth. However, most people cannot celebrate Earth Day this year. The coronavirus is spreading, so we have to be careful that we don't go outside. This holiday is meant to appreciate what earth has done for us as well as celebrate the love we have for it.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 11,2020
The 50th Anniversary is a thing we celebrate it at April ,22.IT is a activity we are suppose to do outside But at this time and how the climate is we don't thing you can go outside to celebrate. This day we appreciate what earth has done to us it gave us life, food and a good place to live without all this we would not be here alive. This is why earth day a good day to celebrate.
Original Version:
The 50th Anniversary is a thing we celebrate it at April ,22.IT is a activity we are suppose to do outside But at this time and how the climate is we don't thing you can go outside to celebrate. This day we appreciate what earth has done to us it gave us life, food and a good place to live without all this we would not be here alive. This is why earth day a good day to celebrate.
Corrections:
The 50th anniversary of Earth Day is being celebrated on April, 22.
- The 50th anniversary of what? This wasn’t clear in the original sentence, so I specified that it was in celebration of Earth Day. Earth Day needs to be mentioned in the paragraph so the reader knows what event you are talking about.
It is a day to spend outside. However, during this time and climate, activities celebrating earth day cannot take place outside.
- “It” should not be in all caps. Also, there needs to be a period after the word “outside.” I rephrased both sentences as well to correct the grammar.
In conclusion, Earth Day is celebrated to thank the earth for all that it has given us. Without it, we wouldn’t be alive.
- This was a run-on sentence. I split it into two sentences and reworded it to make the closing statement more concise. Also, I added the phrase “in conclusion” to make the transition from your explanation to the conclusion better.
Great work! Remember to proofread your work for punctuation and capitalization errors. Also, consider adding a quote from the text to back up your statements.
Final Version:
The 50th anniversary of Earth Day is being celebrated on April, 22. It is a day to spend outside. However, during this time and climate, activities celebrating earth day cannot take place outside. In conclusion, Earth Day is celebrated to thank the earth for all that it has given us. Without it, we wouldn’t be alive.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 16,2020
There are many accomplishments William has achieved. One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give. Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 by giving food. Therefore William has achieved many accomplishments. These are the reasons why and my evidence.
Original Version:
There are many accomplishments William has achieved. One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give. Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 by giving food. Therefore William has achieved many accomplishments. These are the reasons why and my evidence.
Corrections:
There are many accomplishments William has achieved.
- Good!
One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give in the effort to end childhood hunger.
- To give to what? I added “in the effort to end childhood hunger” to make this clear.
Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 to help provide kids with food.
- There was a similar problem in this sentence. What was the money raised for? Make sure that this is clear. I added “to help provide kids with food” to describe what the money he was raising was being used towards, to show how it is an accomplishment.
This evidence explains the reasons for William’s endeavors. Therefore, William has achieved many accomplishments through his work with Food Drive Kids.
- The conclusion sentence should go last, so I switched the order of these two sentences. I also rephrased the first sentence to correct the grammar, and clarify what the reasons are explaining. I also used a variety of word choice, to make it sound less repetitive. Lastly, I added a comma after therefore, as it is an introductory phrase that needs a comma.
Great work! Make sure your points are clear and not ambiguous.
Final Version:
There are many accomplishments William has achieved. One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give in the effort to end childhood hunger. Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 to help provide kids with food. This evidence explains the reasons for William’s endeavors. Therefore, William has achieved many accomplishments through his work with Food Drive Kids.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 15, 2020
This Japanese ceremony is different from other ceremony's for many reasons. One reason Is the text says "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called". Another reason I the text says "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the corona virus time while other people would cancel the ceremony". In conclusion, the Japanese ceremony is different than other one around the world during corona virus.
Original Version:
This Japanese ceremony is different from other ceremony's for many reasons. One reason Is the text says "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called". Another reason I the text says "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the corona virus time while other people would cancel the ceremony". In conclusion, the Japanese ceremony is different than other one around the world during corona virus.
Corrections:
This Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ceremonies for many reasons.
- I added the word “graduation” to specify the type of ceremony you are talking about. Also, the noun “ceremony” should not be in the possessive form.
One reason for this is that "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called."
- The introduction to the quote sounded a bit clunky. I rephrased the clause to make it flow better. Also, the period at the end of the quote needs to go inside the quotation mark.
The text also states that "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the coronavirus time while other people would cancel the ceremony."
- I reworded the introductory clause before the quote to improve the grammar. Again, I fixed the punctuation at the end of the quote.
In conclusion, the Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ones around the world during the coronavirus.
- I again specified what type of ceremony you are talking about, and rephrased the end half of the sentence to improve the grammar. Also, “coronavirus” should be one word.
Great work! Make sure to use correct punctuation, and read your sentence out loud to help you spot grammar errors.
Final Version:
This Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ceremonies for many reasons. One reason for this is that "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called." The text also states that "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the coronavirus time while other people would cancel the ceremony." In conclusion, the Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ones around the world during the coronavirus.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 14, 2020
There are many reasons to why all Astronaut trainers are not picked to be a real astronaut and be able to go to space. One reason why is there are difficult obstacles that not all the Astronaut trainers can go through. Another reason is there is a limit of how many people can go to space. Therefor, not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and be able to go to space. These are the reasons why not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and go to space.
Original Version:
There are many reasons to why all Astronaut trainers are not picked to be a real astronaut and be able to go to space. One reason why is there are difficult obstacles that not all the Astronaut trainers can go through. Another reason is there is a limit of how many people can go to space. Therefor, not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and be able to go to space. These are the reasons why not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and go to space.
Corrections:
There are many reasons why not all astronaut trainees are picked to go into space.
- “To” is an unnecessary preposition in this context, so I deleted it. I also edited the sentence to improve the phrasing. Also, it is not the trainers of astronauts who are picked, it is those being trained, so I think using “astronaut trainees” is more accurate.
One reason why there are many difficult obstacles for astronaut trainees, that not all of them make it through.
- I again changed “trainers” to “trainees.” Also, I edited the grammar of the sentence. For example, it should be “there are” not “there is” as the obstacles are plural.
Another reason not all trainees make it is that there’s a limit to how many people can go to space.
- I edited the sentence for clarity and to improve the grammar. The preposition should be “to” instead of “of.”
Therefore, not all astronaut trainees are able to be real astronauts.
- I corrected the spelling of “therefore.” Also, you don’t need to capitalize the word “astronaut” because it’s not a proper noun. The end of the sentence also sounded repetitive, as you ended the last sentence similarly.
In conclusion, not everyone who trains as an astronaut can go into space due to the difficult obstacles they have to go through and the limited number of people who can be selected.
- In your conclusion sentence, restate what the reasons are for the lack of people chosen to be an astronaut. I edited the last sentence to clarify your main points and strengthen your conclusion.
Final Version:
There are many reasons why not all astronaut trainees are picked to go into space. One reason why there are many difficult obstacles for astronaut trainees, that not all of them make it through. Another reason not all trainees make it is that there’s a limit to how many people can go to space. Therefore, not all astronaut trainees are able to be real astronauts. In conclusion, not everyone who trains as an astronaut can go into space due to the difficult obstacles they have to go through and the limited number of people who can be selected.
Great job! Make sure to follow the “RATE” format. Try using quotes to provide evidence for your answers. Also, conclude your main ideas in the last sentence by using phrases like “in conclusion” or “therefore.”
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 13,2020
The difference between he mayor and the governor is they both have different opinion the mayor wanted the schools to close for the academic year. The governor wanted to still have remote learning. They both had different opinion. They were disagreeing in each others opinion. School Is important to kids and their education.
Original Version:
The difference between the mayor and the governor is they both have different opinion the mayor wanted the schools to close for the academic year. The governor wanted to still have remote learning. They both had different opinion. They were disagreeing in each others opinion. School Is important to kids and their education.
Corrections:
The difference between Mayor Bill de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo is that they both have different opinions. The mayor wants the schools to close for the rest of the academic year.
- Great start! I included the names of the two people to clarify to the reader who you are talking about. I also broke up the sentence into two, as I thought they were two separate thoughts. The edited sentence above also contains a few words changed so it is written in the present tense.
The governor disagrees, as students will have to learn remotely.
- The article states that the governor does not want kids to learn remotely, as it poses many challenges for students. He would rather the schools stay open. To reflect this, I reworded the sentence slightly.
They both have different opinions.
- I changed “had” to “have” as they both currently have different opinions. Also, I deleted the sentence that follows this one, as it sounded repetitive. Before you move onto the conclusion, you should cite evidence by using a quote, in order to back up your statements about their different opinions.
In conclusion, schools and the education of children are important, even during the outbreak of COVID 19.
- To follow the “RACE” format, you need to explain the evidence by using phrases like “in conclusion” or “therefore.” I liked the idea of your conclusion, but it didn’t explain how it connects to your evidence. So, I reworded the conclusion to provide the reader with more clarity.
Great work! Remember to back up your answers with evidence, and to conclude your paragraph by explaining your evidence in the last sentence.
Final Version:
The difference between Mayor Bill de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo is that they both have different opinions. The mayor wants the schools to close for the rest of the academic year. The governor disagrees, as students will have to learn remotely. They both have different opinions. In conclusion, schools and the education of children are important, even during the outbreak of COVID 19.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
The birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text" birds are anxious to breeding grounds to begin mating." Also according to the text "in spring males have on their plumage to attract mates. These are the reasons why the birds are migrating south and my text evidence to prove my details. birds are usually are migrating a lot in my opinion because different birds are moving different directions in different times this is my reasons why birds move south and my opinion on that.
Thx for editing it!
Original Version:
The birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text" birds are anxious to breeding grounds to begin mating." Also according to the text "in spring males have on their plumage to attract mates. These are the reasons why the birds are migrating south and my text evidence to prove my details. birds are usually are migrating a lot in my opinion because different birds are moving different directions in different times this is my reasons why birds move south and my opinion on that.
Corrections:
Birds are migrating south for many reasons.
- Good! I just eliminated the definite article "the," as you are not talking about a specific type of bird.
According to the text, "birds are anxious to reach their breeding grounds and begin mating."
- Make sure when you use the same words as the text when you are using a direct quote. I added words to complete the quotation. If this was meant to be paraphrased, then exact words are not necessary, but make sure the sentence makes sense if you decide to reword the sentence. Also, make sure to use quotation marks at the beginning and end of the quote.
Also, the text states that "during the spring, the males have on their beautiful plumage to attract mates.”
- This sentence was edited for the same reasons as the previous sentence. I also reworded the beginning, as you used “according to” before. Using a different word will give your paragraph more variation.
The evidence shows why the birds are migrating south. Birds are usually migrating a lot because different birds move in different directions and times.
- Both of these sentences were a bit repetitive, so I reworded them to improve the grammar and make the conclusion more effective.
Great work! Make sure to integrate quotations correctly, and to use a variety of word choice.
Final Version: Birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text, "birds are anxious to reach their breeding grounds and begin mating." Also, the text states that "during the spring, the males have on their beautiful plumage to attract mates.” The evidence shows why the birds are migrating south. Birds are usually migrating a lot because different birds move in different directions and times.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
