Phentsok Sangmo:
Thousands Apply to Become NASA Astronauts If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are requirements. One thing that you must need to become an astronaut is a higher level collage degree which is a masters degree in stem and you need experience on flying jet airplanes.Another thing that you need to be an astronaut is that you need good eye sight and you have to be in a good physical shape, you also need to be able to get along with your pears. In the text states , "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Another evidence is, "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." These two text evidence shows how you need a lot of requirements to become an astronaut. It also shows how you need to be perfect to be an astronaut, you need perfect eye sight, you need perfect body, you need to be good at cooperative to each and every one of your pears, and you need to have a perfect education.These are the requirements you need to become an astronaut.
Original Version:
Thousands Apply to Become NASA Astronauts If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are requirements. One thing that you must need to become an astronaut is a higher level collage degree which is a masters degree in stem and you need experience on flying jet airplanes.Another thing that you need to be an astronaut is that you need good eye sight and you have to be in a good physical shape, you also need to be able to get along with your pears. In the text states , "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Another evidence is, "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." These two text evidence shows how you need a lot of requirements to become an astronaut. It also shows how you need to be perfect to be an astronaut, you need perfect eye sight, you need perfect body, you need to be good at cooperative to each and every one of your pears, and you need to have a perfect education.These are the requirements you need to become an astronaut.
Corrections:
If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are many requirements.
- Good! I just added the quantifier “many” in front of “requirements.”
One thing that you need to become an astronaut is a higher-level college degree, and a master's degree in STEM. You also need experience in flying jet airplanes.
- I deleted “must” as it sounded repetitive, as “need” means the same thing. “Higher-level” needs a dash between it. I also corrected the spelling of “college” as you are talking about a university not a type of artwork. The noun form needs to be “master’s.” STEM also needs to be in all caps. I broke the sentence into two, as it was a run-on sentence before.
Other things that you need to be an astronaut are good eyesight, physical shape, and the ability to get along with your peers.
- Because you are talking about multiple things they need in this sentence, I changed “another” to “other.” The verb “is” does not agree with the subject following it, so I changed the verb form to “are.” I also corrected the spelling of “eyesight” and “peers,” as you are talking about people, not the food.
The text states, "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher-level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."
- The introductory clause before the quote sounded a bit clunky. I deleted “in” to improve the grammar.
“The text also states that "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."
- I also changed the introduction to the quote to make it flow better with the quotation.
This text evidence shows that there are a lot of requirements to become an astronaut.
- I reworded parts of this sentence to improve the grammar.
It also shows that to be an astronaut, you need to have perfect eyesight and body. You also need to be good at cooperating with all of your peers, and you need to have an excellent education.
- This sentence was a bit hard to follow. I reworded the sentence to improve the grammar and to make it less repetitive. I also broke it into two sentences.
These are the requirements you need to become an astronaut.
- Good!
Overall, great work! Make sure to avoid writing run-on sentences, and to proofread your paragraph for spelling errors.
Final Version:
If a person wants to be an astronaut, there are many requirements. One thing that you need to become an astronaut is a higher-level college degree, and a master's degree in STEM. You also need experience in flying jet airplanes. Other things that you need to be an astronaut are good eyesight, physical shape, and the ability to get along with your peers. The text states, "NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher-level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math). You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." “The text also states that "The people who are chosen (called “Astronaut Candidates”) will also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape. They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." This text evidence shows that there are a lot of requirements to become an astronaut. It also shows that to be an astronaut, you need to have perfect eyesight and body. You also need to be good at cooperating with all of your peers, and you need to have an excellent education. These are the requirements you need to become an astronaut.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
De Blasio says NYC school buildings will close for the rest of the year, but Cuomo says not so fast The two opposing view in the article is that some people thinks that closing the schools is a great idea, but some think that closing the schools is bad , even for families and students. It states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,” This shows how some people think that closing the schools is a good idea because it reduces the amount of people getting the coronavirus. Another evidence is, "Look at what they’ve had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now,” And another evidence to add on to that is , " making it difficult to gauge how many students may be left behind." These two evidence shows how closing the schools can have a down side effect on the students. It can make kids feel grieving ,which isn't a good thing, and you might not know how many kids will fall back and do poorly if they close the schools.
Edits:
De Blasio says NYC school buildings will close for the rest of the year, but Cuomo says not so fast
- Nice title, just remember that important words in titles should be capitalized.
- Edited for capitalization; De Blasio Says NYC School Buildings Will Close for the Rest of the Year, but Cuomo Says Not so Fast
The two opposing view in the article is that some people thinks that losing the schools is a great idea, but some think that closing the schools is bad, even for families and students.
- You can omit the first part of the sentence and it would still be effective.
- Edited for word choice and grammar; Some people think that closing schools is a great idea, but some think that closing schools is bad, even for students and their families.
It states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus," This shows how some people think that closing the schools is a good idea because it reduces the mount of people getting the coronavirus.
- This was a good choice of quote to make your point! I am changing "It states" to "The article states" for specificity, and shortening the sentence so the quote flows into your own words. I shortened it by keeping the meaning the same, but reducing the volume of words so the sentence is more easily understood by the reader.
- Edited for word choice; The article states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus," which shows one side of the argument that closing schools reduces the spread of the virus.
Another evidence is, "Look at what they’ve had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now,” And another evidence to add on to that is , " making it difficult to gauge how many students may be left behind."
- One way to weave two quotes together into one sentence is to introduce them both in the beginning by stating why they belong together in one sentence, which is what I am doing in the edited version. Connecting them is important so it seems like one sentence instead of two separate sentences.
- Edited for syntax, word choice, and grammar; On the opposite side, the text states, "Look at what they've had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now," and school closure is "making it difficult to gauge how many students are left behind".
These two evidence shows how closing the schools can have a down side effect on the students.
- When you use "evidence", I would change it to "pieces of evidence" to be grammatically correct. You picked great quotes that showed both sides of the argument!
- Edited for grammar; These two pieces of evidence show how closing the schools can negatively affect the students.
It can make kids feel grieving ,which isn't a good thing, and you might not know how many kids will fall back and do poorly if they close the schools.
- This is a good closing sentence, but it can be elevated by addressing both sides of the argument that you presented in the opening sentence. Typically, the opening sentence and conclusion will be very similar and convey the same message. In order to preserve your wording, I am adding one final sentence onto the end of this one to address both sides.
Edited for word choice; It can be difficult on grieving kids, and it is hard to tell how many kids will fall back and do poorly if schools are closed. In conclusion, the topic of school closure in New York City has two opposing sides.
You did a great job picking quotes and addressing both sides of the argument that you presented in the opening sentence! The one thing to work on for next time is introducing your quotes so if you choose to do two in one sentence they should flow together. The easiest way to do this is to state at the beginning of your sentence that you have two pieces of evidence, perhaps by stating, "Two points that the article makes are," or "The text states 'quote,' as well as 'quote'." and then explaining why they're important in a separate sentence. Nice job!
Fully Edited Version:
De Blasio Says NYC School Buildings Will Close for the Rest of the Year, but Cuomo Says Not so Fast
Some people think that closing schools is a great idea, but some think that closing schools is bad, even for students and their families.The article states, "Keeping the New York City public schools closed is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus," which shows one side of the argument that closing schools reduces the spread of the virus. On the opposite side, the text states, "Look at what they've had to witness and experience, and think about those kids who are grieving right now," and school closure is "making it difficult to gauge how many students are left behind". These two pieces of evidence show how closing the schools can negatively affect the students. It can be difficult on grieving kids, and it is hard to tell how many kids will fall back and do poorly if schools are closed. In conclusion, the topic of school closure in New York City has two opposing sides.
Edited by Grace Drake
Eastern Tiger Salamanders, Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Make a Comeback The reason that Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is because Mary land is a perfect place for them to live, because they aren't going extinct there and the place has the things they need to live. Another reason is because the environment is good for them. It states, " Reflecting on the environmental information being learned by studying Maryland’s tiger salamanders." Another one is , "Tiger salamanders can grow to 14 inches long. They are called “mole salamanders” because they dig underground burrows in loose, sandy soil, where they spend most of their lives." These evidence shows why they are reappearing in Mary Land.
Edits:
Eastern Tiger Salamanders, Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Make a Comeback
- It seems like you have a great sense for what makes a good title! I am only switching around some of the words.
- Edited for syntax; Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Eastern Tiger Salamanders Make a Comeback
The reason that Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is because Mary land is a perfect place for them to live, because they aren't going extinct there and the place has the things they need to live.
- I think that we can trim this sentence down a bit so it flows more nicely.
- Edited for word choice; Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland because it has their ideal living conditions, and they have access to everything they need to live.
Another reason is because the environment is good for them.
- I like how you tend to vary short and long sentence lengths. That is an advanced skill! I would try to use more specific descriptors, because good can mean many things.
- Edited for word choice; Also, the environment is healthy for them.
It states, " Reflecting on the environmental information being learned by studying Maryland’s tiger salamanders."
- I think that we can tweak this quote to draw a conclusion from it, because it seems like an incomplete quote.
- Edited to paraphrase; Through studying the tiger salamanders of Maryland, we can learn information about the environment.
Another one is , "Tiger salamanders can grow to 14 inches long. They are called “mole salamanders” because they dig underground burrows in loose, sandy soil, where they spend most of their lives."
- We can lead into the quote naturally in a way that seems like the quote is enhancing your own words.
- Edited for word choice; These tiger salamanders, or "mole salamanders", grow up to 14 inches in length and "dig underground burrows in loose, sandy soul, where they can spend most of their lives".
These evidence shows why they are reappearing in Mary Land.
- Nice job tying it up!
- Edited for word choice; This evidence highlights the reappearance of Eastern Tiger Salamanders in Maryland.
It seems like you have a nice instinct for style, so the main thing to work on is trimming down the quotes so you can showcase more of your own writing. One thing that stood out was that your sentence lead into each other and the order makes sense. Also, don't forget to post a link of your sources! Nice job.
Fully Edited Version:
Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Eastern Tiger Salamanders Make a Comeback
Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland because it has their ideal living conditions, and they have access to everything they need to live. Also, the environment is healthy for them. Through studying the tiger salamanders of Maryland, we can learn information about the environment. These tiger salamanders, or "mole salamanders", grow up to 14 inches in length and "dig underground burrows in loose, sandy soul, where they can spend most of their lives". This evidence highlights the reappearance of Eastern Tiger Salamanders in Maryland.
Edited by Grace Drake
April's Super "Pink" Moon Will Be This Year's Biggest And Brightest Full Moon!
Super moons are different than regular moons that we see is because a super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon.Another reason is that the supermen is the closest moon in history unlike a regular moon.In the text it states, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon,"This shows how the super moon is more brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night. Another evidence is, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history. " This detail shows how the super moon is more closer, and is the closest moon ever in history unlike the regular moon we see every night. This is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.
Original Version:
Super moons are different than regular moons that we see is because a super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon.Another reason is that the supermen is the closest moon in history unlike a regular moon.In the text it states, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon,"This shows how the super moon is more brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night. Another evidence is, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history. " This detail shows how the super moon is more closer, and is the closest moon ever in history unlike the regular moon we see every night. This is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.
Corrections:
April's Super "Pink" Moon Will Be This Year's Biggest and Brightest Full Moon!
- Great! Capitalize all words in the heading except for conjunctions, such as “and.”
Super moons are different than regular moons because a super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon.
- I deleted “that we see is” as it is not needed in the sentence.
Another difference between the moon is that the super moon is the closest moon in history, unlike a regular moon. The text states that "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon.”
- Instead of reason, I replaced it with “difference” as you are describing the differences between the moons. I also corrected the spelling of “supermen” to “super moon.” I also added a comma after the word “history” to make it grammatically correct. You didn’t include the space after the period, so I added one before the word “in.” Use a period at the end of a quotation instead of a comma, as it ends the sentence.
This shows how the super moon is brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night.
- You need a space after the period and before the first word of the sentence. “More brighter” is a double comparative, so just using the word “brighter” will work in the sentence.
The text provides further evidence, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history."
- I reworded the beginning of the sentence as "Another evidence is" is grammatically incorrect. You added an extra space after the period, so I placed the quotation mark directly after the period.
This detail shows how the super moon is closer and is the closest moon ever in history, unlike the regular moon we see every night. This is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.
- “More closer” is a double comparative, to make it less repetitive, I took out the “more.” Because you have a compound predicate in this sentence (when the subject of the sentence is doing more than one thing), so the two clauses at the beginning don’t need to be separated by a comma. However, you need a comma after the word "history" as the "unlike" is interrupting a sentence.
Final Version:
April's Super "Pink" Moon Will Be This Year's Biggest and Brightest Full Moon!
Super moons are different than regular moons because a super moon is bigger and brighter than an average moon. Another difference between the moon is that the super moon is the closest moon in history, unlike a regular moon. The text states, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon.” This shows how the super moon is brighter and is larger than the usual moon we see every night. The text provides further evidence, "On April 7, 2020, the moon will be about 221,773 miles (356,909 km) away from Earth. This is just a few hundred miles further than the November 2016 super moon, which at 221,524 miles (356,508 km), was the closest distance we have experienced in recent history." This detail shows how the super moon is closer and is the closest moon ever in history, unlike the regular moon we see every night. This is how the super moon is different than the regular moon.
Overall great job! You had a strong conclusion. Make sure to use variation in your word choice to avoid repetition.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
Social Distancing The positive reason for practicing social distancing is that it avoids people from crowding together and helps people to stay away from each other.It states, "According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, social distancing involves “avoiding mass gatherings” and “maintaining distance” whenever possible. " This evidence shows how this can reduce the amount of people coming together and the spread of the coronavirus. But there is a negative side to practicing social distancing is that it will be hard people and that they will have to cancel the kids school events.It states, "Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations......." Another evidence is, " For kids, these include learning from home instead of going to school and canceling playdates and sports events. " These two details shows how practicing social distancing is negative as well as positive because it can help us but can change things that we didn't want to change ,even for kids.
Edits:
Social Distancing
- This title makes sense, but does not tell the reader specifically what information they will be receiving.
- Edited for word choice; The Ups and Downs of Social Distancing
The positive reason for practicing social distancing is that it avoids people from crowding together and helps people to stay away from each other.
- Edited for word choice and grammar (comma); A positive aspect to social distancing is that it prevents people from crowding together, and helps people to stay away from each other.
It states, "According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, social distancing involves "avoiding mass gatherings" and "maintaining distance" whenever possible."
- I like that you went to use textual evidence after stating a claim. However, this quote is too long and can be shortened to critical information with paraphrasing to make it your own. I prefer to lead into quotes naturally so your voice comes through.
- Edited for word choice; The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention state that social distancing "involves 'avoiding mass gatherings' and 'maintaining distance'" unless it is unavoidable.
This evidence shows how this can reduce the amount of people coming together and the spread of the coronavirus.
- You did a good job of "sandwiching" the quote inside of your own explanation! Since this article is scientific, we should use the scientific name, COVID-19.
- Edited for word choice; This evidence shows that taking these steps can reduce the amount of people coming together and spreading COVID-19.
But there is a negative side to practicing social distancing is that it will be hard people and that they will have to cancel the kids school events.
- This sentence is a bit choppy compared to the others. Maybe try reading each sentence aloud to make sure it flows.
- Edited for word choice and grammar; The negative side to practicing social distancing is that it will be difficult for people, and school events will have to be cancelled.
It states, "Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations......." Another evidence is, " For kids, these include learning from home instead of going to school and canceling playdates and sports events. "
- This is a bit too much quoted evidence, and a lot of this can be said in your own words. I really like that you always use the article to back up your claims, but it can be paraphrased!
- Edited to paraphrase; In some instances, it can be very difficult to stay away from others, and it will be especially tough on kids who must now learn at home and cancel outside activities.
These two details shows how practicing social distancing is negative as well as positive because it can help us but can change things that we didn't want to change ,even for kids.
- I like how you tied in both aspects of your argument in the conclusion. I am omitting the first part of the sentence because it it not necessary in order to get your point across.
Edited for word choice and grammar; Practicing social distancing is both positive and negative, because it can help us but also change aspects of our lives that we were accustomed to.
Make sure that you post a link to the article you use, especially if you directly quote the text.
Fully Edited Version:
The Ups and Downs of Social Distancing
A positive aspect to social distancing is that it prevents people from crowding together, and helps people to stay away from each other. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention state that social distancing "involves 'avoiding mass gatherings' and 'maintaining distance'" unless it is unavoidable. This evidence shows that taking these steps can reduce the amount of people coming together and spreading COVID-19. The negative side to practicing social distancing is that it will be difficult for people, and school events will have to be cancelled. In some instances, it can be very difficult to stay away from others, and it will be especially tough on kids who must now learn at home and cancel outside activities. Practicing social distancing is both positive and negative, because it can help us but also change aspects of our lives that we were accustomed to.
Edited by Grace Drake
Expelliarmus boredom! JK Rowling launches 'Harry Potter at Home' hub for kids in lockdown JK Rowling new web page will help children by making it not only educational, but also fun and make them interested while there is a lock down. Another reason is because her web page lets people old and young to take all their worries about the virus out and make them more calm and escape from the real world into their imaginary world and think happy thoughts. "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic," This evidence shows how her web page can keep people and kids amused and interested in learning and reading. Another evidence is , " For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old," This evidence shows how her books can help people and kids to escape from bad things that are happening and make them thing about happy thoughts.This is how JKRowling new web page can help kids to be interested in reading and to get away from bad things happening in life , like the corona virus.
Original Version:
Expelliarmus boredom! JK Rowling launches 'Harry Potter at Home' hub for kids in lockdown
JK Rowling new web page will help children by making it not only educational, but also fun and make them interested while there is a lock down. Another reason is because her web page lets people old and young to take all their worries about the virus out and make them more calm and escape from the real world into their imaginary world and think happy thoughts. "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic," This evidence shows how her web page can keep people and kids amused and interested in learning and reading. Another evidence is , " For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old," This evidence shows how her books can help people and kids to escape from bad things that are happening and make them thing about happy thoughts.This is how JKRowling new web page can help kids to be interested in reading and to get away from bad things happening in life , like the corona virus.
Corrections:
Expelliarmus Boredom! JK Rowling Launches 'Harry Potter at Home' Hub for Kids in Lockdown
- Headings need to be capitalized.
JK Rowling's new web page will help children as it is not only educational but also a fun web page to keep them entertained while there is a lockdown.
- I removed the extra space that was placed at the beginning of the sentence. Her last name also needs an apostrophe, as the noun is possessing something. The word lockdown should also be one word. I also edited the phrasing of the sentence as well to correct the grammar.
Another reason that her web page is useful is that it lets people who are old and young forget about the virus and make them calmer. It offers an escape from the real would, and takes them into the imaginary world where they can think happy thoughts.
- I added “that her” before web page to improve the grammar. You stated reason, but you didn’t say what the reason was for. This is why I added the detail about her webpage being useful to provide clarity to the reader. I added “who are” before “old and young” to add a pronoun. I also changed the compound adjective “more calm” to the comparative form of the adjective, which is “calm.” I split up the sentence into two, as it was a run-on. I also edited the phrasing to correct the grammar.
J.K Rowling states, "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic." This evidence shows how her web page can keep people and kids amused and interested in learning and reading.
- You need to include the writer of the quote, so I added the name to introduce the quote as well as credit the source. The quotation needs to end with a period, not a comma.
Wizarding World also states, "For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old." This evidence shows how her books can help people and kids to escape from bad things that are happening and make them think about happy thoughts.
- I added the source of the quote to introduce the evidence. I also removed the extra space after the quotation mark and added a period at the end of it instead of a comma as it is grammatically correct.
All the evidence shows how J.K. Rowling’s new web page can help kids to be interested in reading and to get away from bad things happening in life, like the coronavirus.
- I replaced “This is how” with “All the evidence” so the reader knows what you’re referring to. I also removed the extra space after the word "life" before the comma. Also, coronavirus needs to be one word.
Final Version:
Expelliarmus Boredom! JK Rowling Launches 'Harry Potter at Home' Hub for Kids in Lockdown
JK Rowling's new web page will help children as it is not only educational but also a fun web page to keep them entertained while there is a lockdown. Another reason that her web page is useful is that it lets people who are old and young forget about the virus and make them calmer. It offers an escape from the real would, and takes them into the imaginary world where they can think happy thoughts. J.K Rowling states, "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic." This evidence shows how her web page can keep people and kids amused and interested in learning and reading. Wizarding World also states, "For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old." This evidence shows how her books can help people and kids to escape from bad things that are happening and make them think about happy thoughts. All the evidence shows how J.K. Rowling’s new web page can help kids to be interested in reading and to get away from bad things happening in life, like the coronavirus. Great job! You chose great quotes to summarize your points. Make sure to use the correct spacing, and credit your sources when using quotes.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
2020 Tokyo Olympics officially postponed due to coronavirus outbreak Postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations .The two ways it has a negative effect is that it causes head aches and pain across the international sports community. And it would make it unfair for those athletes who trained for so long to compete and try to win the coipition in the summer.It states. " It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules," This evidence shows that it can make it harder for the across the international sports community because they need to change many things like their schedule .Another is,"and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer." This shows that it isn't fair for other athletes because they trained hard to win the completion in the summer, and now their training is going to waste.
10 Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids
When you are at home you might want to do something fun because you're bored of being stuck at home .One thing you can do at home when you are bored is lego kits, the reason that I chose lego kit to play when you are bored at home is because legos can be fun to play with ,but not only that ,they can also help you become more creative when making something .Another game or thing that you can play when you are bored being stuck at home is that you can play indoor basketball ,the reason I chose that is because it can help us kids to stay healthy and active, it can also help us get enough exercise .It states , " Lego Kits fine motor skills, creativity." This shows how lego kits can help you stay creative in you mind and builds your creativity .Another is " Indoor Basketball an over-the-door basketball hoop and miniature ball is a great way for kids to get some exercise while stuck indoors." This evidence shows how indoor basketball is good for you and can keep you active and have enough exercise .These are two activities you can do when you are bored at home and have nothing to do.
China Plans to Lift Lockdown on Wuhan, Where COVID-19 Was First Detected The reason that China wants to lift lockdown on Wuhan is because they think that it is safer now, people think that they will lift the lockdown in midnight, and the news came on Tuesday. But Hubei will still be in lockdown until April 8, there was a lot of cases were many people got infected and a lot that has died because of this virus. They canceled all flights to other countries or places, they also closed the highway, and no one was allowed out of their house. They thought that it was a way to reduce the amount of people getting the virus, and people getting killed from it. Ever since they did that ,the number of people in China getting the virus was slowing .And for five days in a row, there wren't any new cases of anyone getting or getting killed by the virus , but on Tuesday, there was a new case of the virus in Wuhan, it was said by the CNN.
COVID-19 Could Threaten Great Ape Populations, Researchers Warn
Since this virus is going all around the world and is affecting the human population, some people fear that this virus called the corona virus can't only affect us by also our close companion, such as gorillas, orangutans and chimpanzees. This new virus can harm them badly. These poor animals are already suffering because they are loosing their habitat, plus a virus going around that can kill you can be hard on our close relatives. This new virus can decrease the population of human quickly and can affect animals and humans both, this virus can make the apes go instinct. And a group of researchers are putting out impassioned plea "for enhanced protection for our kins". The humans and the apes body are almost the same ,that is why we have several of the same diseases, which means that any disease or virus we humans have , the apes can get it too, like the corona virus.
How to Talk With Children About COVID-19
It is very important to teach your kids about important things like the COVID-19. I f you don't tell them about these things ,they might make it a scarier thing than it is in reality. For ex( if you don't tell your children's about the flu, they will think that a flu is a bad person who hates the world and kills them with a flu.) You Cann't just tell you kids things unless it is an appropriate age for them to know about.For ex(If you tell them about the flu at the age of 1 ,they won't understand what you are saying and think that you are the craziest person ever, but if you tell them in the age when they can handle these types of information, then they would understand what you are saying and would be careful not to get the flu.) You should always make you children feel safe especially teens or tweens, You should always treasure your kids, protect them and give them extra care to show more affection to them.
source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/how-talk-children-about-covid-19-180974516/.
Shutting Down Hawai‘i: A Historical Perspective on Epidemics in the Islands In Hawaii ,the people there are trying prevent people from out of the country from getting in so the people who has the corona virus doesn't get into their land.The people in Hawaii are telling their government to shut the whole island so that there won't be any one in Hawaii getting sick. More people kept coming and the people that were coming were mad because instead of greeting them, the people there are trying to get them to leave the land but some won't listen. There were cases in Hawaii that some people or tourist there had the virus ,that is the reason why the people in Hawaii wanted people to leave that didn't belong on the land.The government still has to think if they should shut the island down from people outside of the land or not to, but the people who live in Hawaii are commanding the government to shut the place down ,they even hold up signs telling people to get out of their land .
Sea Turtles Might Be Eating Old Plastic Because It Smells Like Shrimp When ever. you throw out plastic things, it always ends up in the ocean where there are animals living there such as sea turtles . And when you throw away plastic, this can kill many animals such as sea turtles ,you might not know this but the plastic that goes into the water and gets colonized by bacteria and small invertebrates, so when it does get colonized by bacteria and small invertebrate, it starts to smell like sea food or shrimp.This sent is the reason why turtles are eating plastic ,plastics ,as you know has a harmful chemicals, and when the turtles consume it , it can kill them.It's not only plastic bottles but also plastic bag, the reason I mentioned it was also plastic bags is because plastic bags look like jelly fish when in water. This is why turtles eats plastics all the time when they see or smell one.
Why Is Washing Your Hands So Important, Anyway?
Washing your hands is very important because it can kill all the virus on your hands. Washing your hands are like weapons that you can use to kill the virus. If you don't wash your hands, that can lead you into having fever ,cold, and more viruses that are bad for your body. When COVID-19 came from China there were 100,000 confirmed cases worldwide. When ever you touch a person that sneezed or coughed on their hands, you should never touch you face until you washed them, but water and soap aren't the only things that can help you kill the virus, you can also use alcohol-based sanitizer. These alcohol-based sanitizer can also help you kill the virus. These two things can help you prevent getting the virus,SARS-CoV-2 is very easily transmitted to other people, because if you cough or sneeze, on your hands and touch other people, you can give them a virus and make them sick. That is why washing your hands are very important.
source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/why-washing-your-hands-so-important-anyway-180974355/.
Parrots Will Share Currency to Help Their Pals Purchase Food
Animals often share food. These animals are very smart when it comes to sharing their currency to help their pals to get food.They really like walnuts, so they learned how to trade money for food.These bird are very generous to each other, most of the time they would share rings so that their pals can get food too.These animals are known to have a helpful behavior, but they aren't the only animals that knows how to share, bats, bonobos, and more.Even though they are not promised with any reward ,they seven out of eight transferred the token to the other.The parrots are capable of sharing and they know when their pal really needs the ring and when they don't .These animals show have complex and clever they are.
source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/parrots-share-currency-help-their-pals-purchase-food-180973917/
Why Wolverines Are the Arctic Animal We Love to Hate
Wolverine’s are known for being very unpleasant. This animal has a dog size which can gain about 30 pounds, they have claws that looks like daggers and strong jaws to tear up frozen or hard parts of other animals. There are many cultures that name these wolverines , for example ( some cultures calls these animals Gulo gulo, which means glutton in Latin, and there are some cultures that calls them skunk bears). These animals might look cute ,cuddly and innocent ..... but their not. These animals will chase and attack anyone that is ten times bigger than them, not even the bears would want to mess with them.
Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/wolverines-arctic-animal-love-hate-180974160/
Human Genome Recovered From 5,700-Year-Old Chewing Gum
The first gum that was created was a modern chewing gum which was made out of tar. For archaeologists, the sticky stuff will help them know about the lives of the people who chewed the chewy tar.They used the ancient birch gum to see about what lived in her mouth.Researchers did some examining and found out that they also chewed on the sticky stuff to make to make it malleable again after it cooled, to ease toothaches , to clean teeth, to ease hunger pains, or because they enjoyed it.These chewy gum helped many scientists and researchers to know more about gums from the past and what lived in the mouth of a person who chewed these kind of gums.
These jellyfish don’t need tentacles to deliver a toxic sting There were a few complains from Somers that they felt the same sensation as getting stung by jellyfish. But they said that they never had any contact with a jellyfish, there is another species kind of jellyfish where their body ships like an umbrella with long swing tentacles undulating beneath as it floats through the water and has soft circular body known as the medusa. These kind of jellyfish can unleash plums of mucus into the water and the slime from the mucus was the cause of the irritation as if they got stung. But scientists are still curious about what element this slime might lead to pain before . The mucus has toxic bubble tissues which covers in the same things cells which causes the iconic jellyfish itch that swimmers keep complaining about. TheseJellyfishes are well known as to be called the upside down jellyfish. Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/cause-mystery-stings-ocean-confirmed-180974198/.
- - - - -
Why Find Mosquitoes Your Warm Blood So Appealing Some people wonder why mosquitoes are so attracted to their warm blood.There are researchers that found out that mosquitos are attracted to hot things like our blood.People say that mosquitos are very annoying because it is always following you and going on or around you.You might think that mosquitoes aren't harmful, but they are , these blood sucking bugs carries the pathogens that cause malaria, dengue, Zika and more. Researchers says that mosquitoes that has IR21a are the ones who are more interested into warm blood, but the ones who didn't have IR21a, they are the ones that are the ones that are more attracted to warm blood. Researchers has done many experiments with mosquitoes and they found out that fruit flies are related to mosquitoes, they are known to be cousins.
Some salamanders can regrow lost body parts.
Salamanders are very unique animals. Their body can we go broken or lost limbs or other body parts, the reason that their
able to regrow broken or lost limbs it’s because they have a special skin called wound epithelium , It builds a tissue called blastema where new body parts sprout from. Other reasons why they’re unique is that they have Mona Lisa’s half smile and they’re red, frilly gills makes them look like they’re dressed up for a party.Some people think if us humans can also regrow our body parts like salamanders. Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/mind-body/.
Some salamanders can regrow lost body parts.
*** Since this article is discussing a specific type of salamander, use the salamander’s name. Additionally, capitalize each word in this title.
Edited title: Axolotls Can Regrow Lost Body Parts
Salamanders are very unique animals.
*** Good.
Their body can we go broken or lost limbs or other body parts, the reason that their able to regrow broken or lost limbs it’s because they have a special skin called wound epithelium , It builds a tissue called blastema where new body parts sprout from.
*** This sentence is pretty long, so divide it up into three sentences. This also helps the summary fit the six sentence structure. “body” should be plural so change “body” to “bodies” and “It” to “They.” Change “we go” to “regrow.” Change the second “their” to “they’re” — “they’re” means “they are.” Change “it’s” to “is.”
Edited sentence: Their bodies can regrow broken or lost limbs and other body parts. The reason that they’re able to regrow broken or lost limbs is because they have a special skin called wound epithelium. They also build a tissue called the blastema where new body parts sprout from.
Other reasons why they’re unique is that they have Mona Lisa’s half smile and they’re red, frilly gills makes them look like they’re dressed up for a party.
*** Change the second “they’re” to “their” — “they’re” means “they are” while “their” means that an object belongs to a person, or in this case, the salamanders. Change “is” to “are” since multiple reasons are mentioned here.
Edited sentence: Other reasons why they’re unique are that they have Mona Lisa’s half-smile and their red, frilly gills make them look like they’re dressed up for a party.
Some people think if us humans can also regrow our body parts like salamanders.
*** Avoid first person point of view (“us,” “our”) and use third person point of view only.
Edited sentence: Some people think humans can also one day regrow body parts like salamanders.
Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/mind-body/.
*** Make sure the source URL is correct. The above URL does not lead to the article. Based on the information in the summary, the article URL appears to be: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/some-salamanders-can-regrow-lost-body-parts-could-humans-one-day-do-same-180974090/
*** Use specific details if you can — since this article discusses axolotls, the name should be mentioned. Check to make sure “their” and “they’re” are used correctly. Avoid first person point of view (“us,” “our”) and use third person point of view only. Instead of “us” or “our,” use pronouns such as “a person,” “people,” or “they.”
Fully edited article:
Axolotls Can Regrow Lost Body Parts
Salamanders are very unique animals. Their bodies can regrow broken or lost limbs and other body parts. The reason that they’re able to regrow broken or lost limbs is because they have a special skin called wound epithelium. They also build a tissue called the blastema where new body parts sprout from. Other reasons why they’re unique are that they have Mona Lisa’s half-smile and their red, frilly gills make them look like they’re dressed up for a party. Some people think humans can also one day regrow body parts like salamanders.
Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/some-salamanders-can-regrow-lost-body-parts-could-humans-one-day-do-same-180974090/
Do you scientist may have found a cure for bubble boy disease
The bubble boy disease is a rare genetic disorder. There was a boy with the bubble boy disease, doctors that are first when they heard that something was wrong with him, they thought that he was just allergic to his mothers breast. After they came back again, they did a blood test on him and found out that he had a rare disease called the bubble boy disease. After a few months went by they finally found a cure for him, and he was able to go home with his family with no medications and he didn’t need to live in a bubble.Now the doctors can help cure anyone with the bubble boy disease.
Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/scientists-found-cure-bubble-boy-disease-180973496/
Do you scientist may have found a cure for bubble boy disease
*** This title is pretty close to the title of the source article. Please rewrite this title. I have suggested one below.
Edited title: Gene Therapy May Cure “Bubble Boy Disease”
The bubble boy disease is a rare genetic disorder.
*** Since the article puts quotation marks around “bubble boy disease,” you can do that here.
Edited sentence: The “bubble boy disease” is a rare genetic disorder.
There was a boy with the bubble boy disease, doctors that are first when they heard that something was wrong with him, they thought that he was just allergic to his mothers breast.
*** Doctors thought he was allergic to the mother’s “milk,” not her breast. Add an apostrophe before the “s” in “mothers.” This sentence can be divided into two, which also helps the paragraph fit into the six sentence structure. Change “that are first when they heard” to “that first heard.”
Edited sentence: There was a boy with the bubble disease. Doctors that first heard that something was wrong with him thought that he was just allergic to his mother’s milk.
After they came back again, they did a blood test on him and found out that he had a rare disease called the bubble boy disease.
*** Put quotation marks around “bubble boy disease.”
Edited sentence: After they came back again, they did a blood test on him and found out that he had a rare disease called the “bubble boy disease.”
After a few months went by they finally found a cure for him, and he was able to go home with his family with no medications and he didn’t need to live in a bubble.
*** Good, but describe how they cured him. Change “with no” to “without.”
Edited sentence: After a few months went by they finally found a cure for him using stem cells, and he was able to go home with his family without medications and he didn’t need to live in a bubble.
Now the doctors can help cure anyone with the bubble boy disease.
*** Since the gene therapy is still experimental and in need of approval from the Food and Drug Administration according to the article, it would be more accurate to say that the doctors hope to cure anyone with the disease.
Edited sentence: Now the doctors hope to be able to cure anyone with the bubble boy disease.
*** Make sure the information in the summary is correct according to the article. If an article uses specific terms or punctuation, such as the quotation marks around “bubble boy disease,” consider using the same terms and punctuation in the summary to make sure it’s accurate. Remember the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Gene Therapy May Cure “Bubble Boy Disease”
The “bubble boy disease” is a rare genetic disorder. There was a boy with the bubble disease. Doctors that first heard that something was wrong with him thought that he was just allergic to his mother’s milk. After they came back again, they did a blood test on him and found out that he had a rare disease called the “bubble boy disease.” After a few months went by they finally found a cure for him using stem cells, and he was able to go home with his family without medications and he didn’t need to live in a bubble. Now the doctors hope to be able to cure anyone with the bubble boy disease.
Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/scientists-found-cure-bubble-boy-disease-180973496/
Edited by Penny Yagake
Hong Kong’s Sticky-Note Revolution
When you go to Hong Kong, you will see a lot of post-its on the wall of Lennon. The first wall of Lennon appeared in 2014, the wall is for people to write notes about things. Some of the notes are about John Lennon from the Beatles. After the died, people started to write some of his lyrics on the wall or drew a portrait of him on the wall. Hong Kong's sticky-Notes weren't only about John Lennon, it can be about other things like sending a message to others. Many other people write things about the government in China.You can see these post-its in some places in China.
Source:https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/hong-kongs-sticky-note-revolution-180974042/.
Hong Kong’s Sticky-Note Revolution
*** This title is the same as the article. Please rewrite this title.
When you go to Hong Kong, you will see a lot of post-its on the wall of Lennon.
*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only — change “you” to pronouns such as “a person” or “they.” The article refers to these walls as “Lennon Walls” so you can use the same term here.
Edited sentence: When a person goes to Hong Kong, they will see a lot of Post-it notes on Lennon Walls.
The first wall of Lennon appeared in 2014, the wall is for people to write notes about things.
*** Write “wall of Lennon” as “Lennon Wall” since that is the name used in the article. Specify that this is the first Lennon Wall in Hong Kong since the article mentions another Lennon Wall in Prague. Add “and” before “the wall.” Avoid using the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it.
Edited sentence: The first Lennon Wall appeared in Hong Kong in 2014, and the wall is for people to write notes including poems or political messages.
Some of the notes are about John Lennon from the Beatles.
*** This is describing the original Lennon Wall in Prague. However, later notes were technically inspired by John Lennon’s work.
Edited sentence: Originally, the notes were about John Lennon from the Beatles.
After the died, people started to write some of his lyrics on the wall or drew a portrait of him on the wall.
*** The article suggests the lyrics and the portrait were done by one person. “the” at the beginning of the sentence should be replaced by “he.” Since this occurred in the past, this sentence should be in past tense.
Edited sentence: After he died, a person wrote some of his lyrics on a Lennon Wall in Prague and drew a portrait of him on the wall.
Hong Kong's sticky-Notes weren't only about John Lennon, it can be about other things like sending a message to others.
*** Since this is occurring in the present day, change “weren’t” to “aren’t.” “sticky-Notes” should be written as “sticky notes” without the hyphen and the capitalized “N.” Change “it” to “they” since the subject, sticky notes, is plural. Avoid using the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it.
Edited sentence: Hong Kong’s sticky notes aren’t only about John Lennon, they can be about other topics like sending a message to others.
Many other people write things about the government in China.
*** Avoid using the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it.
Edited sentence: Many other people write messages about the government in China.
You can see these post-its in some places in China.
*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only — change “you” to pronouns such as “people” or “they.”
Edited sentence: People can see these Post-it notes in some places in China.
*** Make sure the information in the summary is correct according to the source article. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only — change “you” to pronouns such as “people” or “they.” Avoid using the word “thing” if you can name the thing or describe it.
Fully edited article:
When a person goes to Hong Kong, they will see a lot of Post-it notes on Lennon Walls. The first Lennon Wall appeared in Hong Kong in 2014, and the wall is for people to write notes including poems or political messages. Originally, the notes were about John Lennon from the Beatles. After he died, a person wrote some of his lyrics on a Lennon Wall in Prague and drew a portrait of him on the wall. Hong Kong’s sticky notes aren’t only about John Lennon, they can be about other topics like sending a message to others. Many other people write messages about the government in China. People can see these Post-it notes in some places in China.
Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/hong-kongs-sticky-note-revolution-180974042/.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Mr.Peanut was the creation of an Italian-American schoolboy.
A schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut was a sensation all around the world. It all started when it was 1916, there was a contest, so he drew a friendly, humanized peanut. And one of his sketches won and he got five dollars as an award. The boy's name is Antonio Gentile, his nephews told a story about Antonio’s past story. It is about how he moved to a new place, he was a very smart student. He did get married but his marriage didn’t last long because he died. He is forever known as the schoolboy who created Mr.Peanut.
Mr.Peanut was the creation of an Italian-American schoolboy.
*** This title is almost the same as the article, except that the space in “Mr. Peanut” has been removed and the capitalization on some of the words has been removed. Please rewrite the title.
A schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut was a sensation all around the world.
*** Change “was” to “became.”
Edited sentence: A schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut became a sensation all around the world.
It all started when it was 1916, there was a contest, so he drew a friendly, humanized peanut.
*** Replace “when it was” with “in.” Add more specific detail about the contest.
Edited sentence: It all started in 1916 when there was a contest for Planters Nut and Chocolate Company’s trademark, and he “drew a friendly, humanized peanut” for the contest.
And one of his sketches won and he got five dollars as an award.
*** Remove “And” at the beginning of this sentence. Change “award” to “reward.”
Edited sentence: One of his sketches won and he got five dollars as a reward.
The boy's name is Antonio Gentile, his nephews told a story about Antonio’s past story.
*** Add “and” after the comma. Remove “story” at the end since it’s already stated. Change “a” to “the.”
Edited sentence: The boy’s name is Antonio Gentile, and his nephews told the story about Antonio’s past.
It is about how he moved to a new place, he was a very smart student.
*** Change “It is” to “They talked.” Add “and how” after the comma.
Edited sentence: They talked about how he moved to a new place, and how he was a very smart student.
He did get married but his marriage didn’t last long because he died.
*** Good.
He is forever known as the schoolboy who created Mr.Peanut.
*** There should always be a space after “Mr.”
Edited sentence: He is forever known as the schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut.
*** Rewrite the title. Try to use “and” to connect phrases instead of using a comma by itself. Personal titles such as Mr. or Mrs. should always be followed by a space.
Fully edited article:
A schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut became a sensation all around the world. It all started in 1916 when there was a contest for Planters Nut and Chocolate Company’s trademark, and he “drew a friendly, humanized peanut” for the contest. One of his sketches won and he got five dollars as a reward. The boy’s name is Antonio Gentile, and his nephews told the story about Antonio’s past. They talked about how he moved to a new place, and how he was a very smart student. He did get married but his marriage didn’t last long because he died. He is forever known as the schoolboy who created Mr. Peanut.
Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/how-italian-american-schoolboy-created-mr-peanut-180974040/.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Summary for PYE E-cigarettes caught fire among teens
E-cigs are very bad for people even for young people like teens or young adults .Scott Gottlieb said that vaping was regular for teens who vapes,when he did a school survey in high school they said that they only vaped once last 30 days.The brand that a lot of teens or young adults use is Juul, and if a person inhales the nicotine in a 5 percent, they will get the same amount a smoker would get when they smoke 26 to 40 cigarettes.Young adults and younger gets addicted it it more than adults,vaping can harm your brain until you are 25--- affecting your mood and your impulse control.Vaping can damage or harm your body, Bonnie said that “The majority of young people who are using vapes never wanted to use cigarettes to begin with,”which means that young people
vaping never wanted to smoke cigarettes. Additionally, if you keep on using vape you will become dependent on nicotine.At least vaping isn’t as bad as smoking cigarettes because cigarettes
releases cancer-causing tar, unlike vape.This is all about e-cigarettes,and how it can affect people in a bad way.
Summary for PYE E-cigarettes caught fire among teens
*** “Summary for PYE” is not needed in the title. The rest of the title is pretty close to the title of the source article: https://www.sciencenews.org/article/e-cigs-use-teens-vaping-2018-yir. Please rewrite the title of your article summary.
E-cigs are very bad for people even for young people like teens or young adults .
*** Remove the extra space before the period. I added a comma after “for people.”
Edited sentence: E-cigs are very bad for people, even for young people like teens or young adults.
Scott Gottlieb said that vaping was regular for teens who vapes,when he did a school survey in high school they said that they only vaped once last 30 days.
*** Remove “who vapes.” Change the comma to “and.” The phrase “a school survey in high school” can be written as “a survey with high schoolers.” The article states they used e-cigs “at least once” meaning some students may have used it multiple times, not only once.
Edited sentence: Scott Gottlieb said that vaping was regular for teens and when he did a survey with high schoolers, they said that they vaped at least once in the last 30 days.
The brand that a lot of teens or young adults use is Juul, and if a person inhales the nicotine in a 5 percent, they will get the same amount a smoker would get when they smoke 26 to 40 cigarettes.
*** Change “or” to “and.” Add “nicotine Juul pod” after “5 percent.” This sentence can be written in a more active voice — rather than saying “The brand that a lot of teens or young adults use” this sentence can say “A lot of teens or young adults use the brand Juul.”
Edited sentence: A lot of teens and young adults use the brand Juul, and if a person inhales the nicotine in a 5 percent nicotine Juul pod, they will get the same amount as a smoker who smokes 26 to 40 cigarettes.
Young adults and younger gets addicted it it more than adults,vaping can harm your brain until you are 25--- affecting your mood and your impulse control.
*** Remove the “s” at the end of “gets.” Change the first “it” to “to.” The harm to the brain does not stop at 25 — the article states that brain development lasts until a person is 25 years old. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — remove “you.”
Edited sentence: Young adults and younger get addicted to it more than adults, and vaping can harm the brain which develops until the age of 25, affecting a person’s mood and their impulse control.
Vaping can damage or harm your body, Bonnie said that “The majority of young people who are using vapes never wanted to use cigarettes to begin with,”which means that young people vaping never wanted to smoke cigarettes.
*** “damage” and “harm” have the same meaning here, so you only need one of these words. Include Bonnie’s full name. Add “and” after the first comma. Change “young people vaping” to “young people who vape.”
Edited sentence: Vaping can damage a person’s body, and Bonnie Halpern-Felsher said, “The majority of young people who are using vapes never wanted to use cigarettes to begin with,” which means that young people who vape never wanted to smoke cigarettes.
Additionally, if you keep on using vape you will become dependent on nicotine.
*** Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with other pronouns such as “a person” or “they.”
Edited sentence: Additionally, if a person keeps on using vape they will become dependent on nicotine.
At least vaping isn’t as bad as smoking cigarettes because cigarettes releases cancer-causing tar, unlike vape.
*** The article states that this is an idea, but it doesn’t matter when it comes to teens, because vaping could still be harmful to teens. Remove the “s” at the end of “releases.”
Edited sentence: Vaping isn’t considered as bad as smoking cigarettes because cigarettes release cancer-causing tar, unlike vape.
This is all about e-cigarettes,and how it can affect people in a bad way.
*** Add a space after the comma. Change “it” to “they” since “e-cigarettes” is plural.
Edited sentence: This is all about e-cigarettes, and how they can affect people in a bad way.
*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space between each sentence. Check the information included in the article summary to make sure it is correct according to the source. Watch out for repeated words and make sure that plural subjects are paired with plural verbs — a singular subject and verb would be written as “a teen who vapes” while a plural subject and verb would be written as “teens who vape.” Remember the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
E-cigs are very bad for people, even for young people like teens or young adults. Scott Gottlieb said that vaping was regular for teens and when he did a survey with high schoolers, they said that they vaped at least once in the last 30 days. A lot of teens and young adults use the brand Juul, and if a person inhales the nicotine in a 5 percent nicotine Juul pod, they will get the same amount as a smoker who smokes 26 to 40 cigarettes. Young adults and younger get addicted to it more than adults, and vaping can harm the brain which develops until the age of 25, affecting a person’s mood and their impulse control. Vaping can damage a person’s body, and Bonnie Halpern-Felsher said, “The majority of young people who are using vapes never wanted to use cigarettes to begin with,” which means that young people who vape never wanted to smoke cigarettes. Additionally, if a person keeps on using vape they will become dependent on nicotine. Vaping isn’t considered as bad as smoking cigarettes because cigarettes release cancer-causing tar, unlike vape. This is all about e-cigarettes, and how they can affect people in a bad way.
Source: https://www.sciencenews.org/article/e-cigs-use-teens-vaping-2018-yir
Edited by Penny Yagake
Effects of caffeine consumption on the body PYE Phentsok Sangmo July 10/2019
Caffeine is not good for you,there are other drinks or junk food that has caffeine in it besides coffee such as energy drinks, carbonated soft drinks, tea and chocolate, also contain caffeine. Caffeine is a very common drugs that people drink,caffeine can make people feel pleasure but it can make a person feel alerted.There is many college students who drink coffee or caffeine is because they have a lot of work to do that they need something to keep them awake , and they chosen coffee or caffeine to solve that problem. Caffeine can make a person addicted to it and will make your body dependent on it. Caffeine also interacts with neurotransmitters which is the same way other drugs do, and there is a woman who never drank caffeine and she never like it when she was in high school and learned about how caffeine interacts with neurotransmitters just like other drugs do.Additionally caffeine is bad for you and contains moderate dose which is 250mg, drinking a good amount of water, exercising, and eating a good amount is good for, better than caffeine .This is how caffeine is bad for you and can make people feel alarmed.
Effects of caffeine consumption on the body
*** This title seems to be the same as this article: https://www.bgfalconmedia.com/campus/effects-of-caffeine-consumption-on-the-body/article_6f03a9f4-ed1c-11e8-a392-df53fdf29dba.html. If this is so, please change the title.
Caffeine is not good for you,there are other drinks or junk food that has caffeine in it besides coffee such as energy drinks, carbonated soft drinks, tea and chocolate, also contain caffeine.
*** This is a run-on sentence. To fix this, replace the first comma with a dash. Change “has” to “have.” Replace “or” with “and.” Move “besides coffee” after “junk food.” Change “it” to “them” since multiple drinks and food are referred to here. Remove “also contain caffeine” at the end since this sentence already states that these items have caffeine. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — change “you” to other pronouns such as “people” or “they.”
Edited sentence: Caffeine is not good for people — there are other drinks and junk food besides coffee that have caffeine in them such as energy drinks, carbonated soft drinks, tea, and chocolate.
Caffeine is a very common drugs that people drink,caffeine can make people feel pleasure but it can make a person feel alerted.
*** Remove the “s” at the end of “drugs” since only one drug is discussed here. Add a space after the comma. Change the second “caffeine” to “which.” Remove the “ed” at the end of “alerted.”
Edited sentence: Caffeine is a very common drug that people drink, which can make people feel pleasure and also make them feel alert.
There is many college students who drink coffee or caffeine is because they have a lot of work to do that they need something to keep them awake , and they chosen coffee or caffeine to solve that problem.
*** Change the first “is” to “are.” Use either “coffee” or “caffeine” — here I have changed it to “students who use caffeine.” I also changed “they chosen coffee or caffeine” to “they choose coffee.” Change “work to do that” to “work to do and.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, but not before a comma.
Edited sentence: There are many college students who use caffeine because they have a lot of work to do and they need something to keep them awake, so they choose coffee to solve that problem.
Caffeine can make a person addicted to it and will make your body dependent on it.
*** The beginning of this sentence can be written in a more active voice — instead of “Caffeine can make a person addicted to it” you can write “A person can become addicted to caffeine.” Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — change “your” to “their.”
Edited sentence: A person can become addicted to caffeine and their body can become dependent on it.
Caffeine also interacts with neurotransmitters which is the same way other drugs do, and there is a woman who never drank caffeine and she never like it when she was in high school and learned about how caffeine interacts with neurotransmitters just like other drugs do.
*** This is a very long sentence that can be reduced in length. Since the first part of this sentence repeats the last part of this sentence, the first part can be removed. Additionally, this sentence can identify the “woman” so that the reader knows who is being discussed here. This sentence can start with “Brionna Scebbi, a sophomore who never drank coffee…” The phrase “she never like it” should be written as “she never liked it” since she was in high school in the past.
Edited sentence: Brionna Scebbi, a sophomore who never drank coffee and never liked it when she was in high school, learned that caffeine interacts with neurotransmitters just like other drugs do.
Additionally caffeine is bad for you and contains moderate dose which is 250mg, drinking a good amount of water, exercising, and eating a good amount is good for, better than caffeine .
*** Since the beginning of this paragraph states that caffeine is not good for people and the last sentence states that caffeine is bad for people, the phrase “Additionally caffeine is bad for you” at the beginning of this sentence is not needed. Remove “good for” since there is already “better.” Remove the extra space before the period.
Edited sentence: A moderate dose of caffeine is 250mg, but drinking a good amount of water, exercising, and eating well is better than caffeine.
This is how caffeine is bad for you and can make people feel alarmed.
*** Good.
*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space between each sentence. Note where longer sentences can be shortened. Make sure that plural nouns are paired with plural verbs. For example, the phrase “There is a college student” contains a singular noun and a singular verb whereas the phrase “There are college students” contains a plural noun and a plural verb. Also pay attention to the tense in a sentence. If an event occurred in the past, such as a college student who attended high school in the past, the verbs should be in past tense. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Caffeine is not good for people — there are other drinks and junk food besides coffee that have caffeine in them such as energy drinks, carbonated soft drinks, tea, and chocolate. Caffeine is a very common drug that people drink, which can make people feel pleasure and also make them feel alert. There are many college students who use caffeine because they have a lot of work to do and they need something to keep them awake, so they choose coffee to solve that problem. A person can become addicted to caffeine and their body can become dependent on it. Brionna Scebbi, a sophomore who never drank coffee and never liked it when she was in high school, learned that caffeine interacts with neurotransmitters just like other drugs do. A moderate dose of caffeine is 250mg, but drinking a good amount of water, exercising, and eating well is better than caffeine. This is how caffeine is bad for you and can make people feel alarmed.
Source: https://www.bgfalconmedia.com/campus/effects-of-caffeine-consumption-on-the-body/article_6f03a9f4-ed1c-11e8-a392-df53fdf29dba.html
Edited by Penny Yagake
Dark chocolate is good for your brain;it makes you happy and smarter.
Dark chocolate is good for you because it helps with heart attacks and stocks because it makes the bacteria turn into something that can help It the body. It also helps your blood to flow to the brain, it also helps fight free radical which causes wrinkles and more,free radical damages your body parts.Dark chocolate helps you when you need to focus in your work and helps with your memory, dark chocolate can also make you feel good too.Dark chocolate also helps with relieving stress ,so when you are stressed out about something you can eat Dark chocolate to relieve your stress.Dark chocolate can help fight food cravings, also helps you make good food choices that are healthy and helps you lose weight.Dark chocolate also helps to protect the brain because it has antioxidants,flavonoids, and has flavonoids and these things help with brain declines, stroke,dementia.Additionally,Dark chocolate can make you smarter and give you good gut bacteria.This is how Dark chocolate is good for you and helps out with your body than other candies do.
Dark chocolate is good for your brain;it makes you happy and smarter.
*** This title seems to be from this article: https://www.natural.news/2018-10-09-dark-chocolate-is-good-for-your-brain-makes-you-happy.html. If this is so, please rewrite the title.
Dark chocolate is good for you because it helps with heart attacks and stocks because it makes the bacteria turn into something that can help It the body.
*** These are two benefits that are separate from each other. I edited the sentence to reflect that. Remove the “It” at the end of the sentence. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.” Change “stocks” to “strokes.”
Edited sentence: Dark chocolate is good for people because it helps prevent heart attacks and strokes and because it makes bacteria that can help the body.
It also helps your blood to flow to the brain, it also helps fight free radical which causes wrinkles and more,free radical damages your body parts.
*** Add an “s” at the end of “radical” since it should be plural. I removed some words to improve the flow of the sentence. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.” In this case, I just removed “you.”
Edited sentence: It also helps blood flow to the brain and fights free radicals which cause wrinkles and other damage to the body.
Dark chocolate helps you when you need to focus in your work and helps with your memory, dark chocolate can also make you feel good too.
*** Change “in” to “on.” I removed some words to improve the flow of the sentence.
Edited sentence: Dark chocolate helps people focus on their work, improves memory, and makes people feel good too.
Dark chocolate also helps with relieving stress ,so when you are stressed out about something you can eat Dark chocolate to relieve your stress.
*** Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.”
Edited sentence: Dark chocolate also helps relieve stress, so when people are stressed out, they can eat dark chocolate to relieve their stress.
Dark chocolate can help fight food cravings, also helps you make good food choices that are healthy and helps you lose weight.
*** Add “which” before “also.” Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.”
Edited sentence: Dark chocolate can fight food cravings, which also helps people make good food choices that are healthy and can help people lose weight.
Dark chocolate also helps to protect the brain because it has antioxidants,flavonoids, and has flavonoids and these things help with brain declines, stroke,dementia.
*** Remove “to.” This sentence repeats “flavonoids” but one instance should be replaced with “flavanols.” Avoid using the word “things” if you can name the thing or describe it. In this case, I replaced it with “which.” Make sure there is a space after each comma, but not before commas.
Edited sentence: Dark chocolate also helps protect the brain because it has antioxidants, flavonoids, and flavanols which help reduce the risks of brain decline, stroke, and dementia.
Additionally,Dark chocolate can make you smarter and give you good gut bacteria.
*** Add a space after the comma. “Dark chocolate” only needs to be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.”
Edited sentence: Additionally, dark chocolate can make a person smarter and give them good gut bacteria.
This is how Dark chocolate is good for you and helps out with your body than other candies do.
*** Add “more” before “than.” “Dark chocolate” only needs to be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.”
Edited sentence: This is how dark chocolate is good for people and how it helps out the body more than other candies do.
*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space between each sentence. Words such as “dark chocolate” only need to be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence. Make sure that other words are spelled correctly — “stocks” is different from “strokes.” Reread sentences to see if they can be condensed more. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “they.” Remember the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Dark chocolate is good for people because it helps prevent heart attacks and strokes and because it makes bacteria that can help the body. It also helps blood flow to the brain and fights free radicals which cause wrinkles and other damage to the body. Dark chocolate helps people focus on their work, improves memory, and makes people feel good too. Dark chocolate also helps relieve stress, so when people are stressed out, they can eat dark chocolate to relieve their stress. Dark chocolate can fight food cravings, which also helps people make good food choices that are healthy and can help people lose weight. Dark chocolate also helps protect the brain because it has antioxidants, flavonoids, and flavanols which help reduce the risks of brain decline, stroke, and dementia. Additionally, dark chocolate can make a person smarter and give them good gut bacteria. This is how dark chocolate is good for people and how it helps out the body more than other candies do.
Source: https://www.natural.news/2018-10-09-dark-chocolate-is-good-for-your-brain-makes-you-happy.html
Edited by Penny Yagake
Fighting the flu
The flu is a disease caused by the influenza virus and it is contagious which means that it can spread to other people.The flu can make someone feel chillies, feel tired or even get fever.The flu seasons are from October to March .If you don’t want to get the flu then you need to wash your hands with soup ,but the best way to get rid of the flu if you get it or before you get it is to get a flu shot.Additionally, about 6 million people got flu shots. Influenza viruses cause the flu and it can affect your nose, throat or even your lungs, that is why you need to get a flu shots before or while you have the flu.When people have the flu ,they also vomit, diarrhea, cough,headache, sore throat and more that can happen to children and adults. This is all that people will feel when they have the flu,what causes the flu, a way to get rid of it and if it is able to spread to other people.
Fighting the flu
*** Capitalize “flu.”
Edited title: Fighting the Flu
The flu is a disease caused by the influenza virus and it is contagious which means that it can spread to other people.
*** Good.
The flu can make someone feel chillies, feel tired or even get fever.
*** Change “chillies” to “chills.” To make the sentence parallel, you can change “make” to “give” and remove “feel.”
Edited sentence: The flu can give someone chills, tiredness, or even a fever.
The flu seasons are from October to March .
*** This seems to be discussing one season, so remove the “s” at the end of “seasons” and change “are” to “is.” Remove the extra space before the period.
Edited sentence: The flu season is from October to March.
If you don’t want to get the flu then you need to wash your hands with soup ,but the best way to get rid of the flu if you get it or before you get it is to get a flu shot.
*** Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — change “you” to “people” or “they.” Change “soup” to “soap.” Make sure there is a space after a comma, not before a comma.
Edited sentence: If people don’t want to get the flu then they need to wash their hands with soap, but the best way to get rid of the flu, before or after catching it, is to get a flu shot.
Additionally, about 6 million people got flu shots.
*** Google results seem to say that 6 million people caught the flu, not that they got flu shots. Include the source so that this information can be checked.
Edited sentence: Additionally, about 6 million people caught the flu in 2019.
Influenza viruses cause the flu and it can affect your nose, throat or even your lungs, that is why you need to get a flu shots before or while you have the flu.
*** Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only — change “you” to “people” or “they.” Change “that” to “which.” Remove the “s” at the end of “shots” since it is singular.
Edited sentence: Influenza viruses cause the flu and it can affect a person’s nose, throat, or even their lungs, which is why they need to get a flu shot before or while they have the flu.
When people have the flu ,they also vomit, diarrhea, cough,headache, sore throat and more that can happen to children and adults.
*** To give the sentence better flow, I added “they can have symptoms including…”
Edited sentence: When people have the flu, they can have symptoms including vomiting, coughing, diarrhea, headache, sore throat, and more that can happen to children and adults.
This is all that people will feel when they have the flu,what causes the flu, a way to get rid of it and if it is able to spread to other people.
*** Change “all that” to “what.” Make sure there is a space after a comma not before a comma.
Edited sentence: This is what people will feel when they have the flu, what causes the flu, how to get rid of it, and if it is able to spread to other people.
*** Include the source. Remember to add a space between each sentence. Make sure the information included in the article summary is correct according to the source. Avoid second person point of view and use third person point of view only. Reread sentences to check that words are spelled correctly — “soup” is different from “soap.” Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Fighting the Flu
The flu is a disease caused by the influenza virus and it is contagious which means that it can spread to other people. The flu can give someone chills, tiredness, or even a fever. The flu season is from October to March. If people don’t want to get the flu then they need to wash their hands with soap, but the best way to get rid of the flu, before or after catching it, is to get a flu shot. Additionally, about 6 million people caught the flu in 2019. Influenza viruses cause the flu and it can affect a person’s nose, throat, or even their lungs, which is why they need to get a flu shot before or while they have the flu. When people have the flu, they can have symptoms including vomiting, coughing, diarrhea, headache, sore throat, and more that can happen to children and adults. This is what people will feel when they have the flu, what causes the flu, how to get rid of it, and if it is able to spread to other people.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Technological is helping, there are many technological advances that can help the humans life easier : stove, light,cars,trucks ,phones ,etc.These things can help make human life easier,People use phones to communicate with friends or families that are far away than just buying a plane ticket and going there to just talk to them and come right back.That is what I mean when I said that they can make our lives easier then hard. Technological advances helped our society overall is because it makes our lives more easier to communicate , travel to one place to the other ,etc. “Steam engines, electricity, petroleum and other technological advancements had repercussions throughout society.”This means how these technological advancements help repercussion our society.This is how these technological advancements help our society. Technological advancements can be anything that people in the past didn’t have ,we are lucky that we have these technological advancements that can make our lives more easier then complex. “The rate of technological advancement is increasing with time, society is looking to create and develop easier ways to live and lengthen their lives” this piece of detail shows how technological advancements help our lives not to be complex and more easier and how the rate of technological advancements has increased with in time. Technological advancements is what we always depend on the most in life because it helps us stay warm,cold , gives us information,lets us communicate , travel,etc.For example,[If someone is in a place where there are a lot of snow and it is cold , then they can use the heater in their house to keep them warm, or if they are in a place that is very hot, they can use their air conditioner in their house to keep them cool.]This shows how technological advancements helps us, technological advancements can also help us from getting sick cause if you think about , when it is cold you will get sick so you can use the heater to keep you out from the cold. This is how our technological advancements can help us in many different ways and how they can make our lives easier.Also how it can help prevent us from getting sick in the winter.As humans beings advance,so does technology.This adrancement comes with different implications for society.This is how technological advancements can help the society.,m
Technological is helping, there are many technological advances that can help the humans life easier : stove, light,cars,trucks ,phones ,etc.
*** Rewrite the first “technological” as “technology.” The first part of the sentence can be made into a title. So the first sentence would start with “There are many…” Remove “the” after “help” to “make.” Change “life” to “live.” Add a space after each comma. There should be no space before the comma. Since most of the items in the list are plural, “stove” and “light” should also be plural.
Edited title: Technology is Helping
Edited sentence: There are many technological advances that can help humans live easier: stoves, lights, cars, trucks, phones, etc.
These things can help make human life easier,
*** Avoid using the word “things” if you can name the things instead. Combine the above sentence with the next sentence.
People use phones to communicate with friends or families that are far away than just buying a plane ticket and going there to just talk to them and come right back.
*** Change “families” to “family members.” Change “than just” to “instead of.” Change “there” to “to them.”
Edited sentence: These technologies can help make human life easier because people can use phones to communicate with friends or family members that are far away, instead of buying a plane ticket and going to them just to talk to them and come right back.
That is what I mean when I said that they can make our lives easier then hard.
*** Avoid first person point of view - do not use “I.”
Edited sentence: This is one way they can make peoples’ lives easier.
Technological advances helped our society overall is because it makes our lives more easier to communicate , travel to one place to the other ,etc.
*** Since technological advances help society in the present, “helped” should be written in the present tense, “help.” Avoid first person point of view - do not use “our.” Remove the “is” after “overall.” Multiple technological advances are discussed here, so change “it” to “they” and remove the “s” at the end of “makes.” Note where the sentence can be shortened.
Edited sentence: Technological advances help society overall because they make communication and travel easier.
“Steam engines, electricity, petroleum and other technological advancements had repercussions throughout society.”
*** Start this sentence with “According to KnowledgeHut.” This quote seems to be from: https://www.knowledgehut.com/blog/information-technology/evolution-of-technology-its-important-to-life.
Edited sentence: According to KnowledgeHut, “Steam engines, electricity, petroleum and other technological advancements had repercussions throughout society.”
This means how these technological advancements help repercussion our society.This is how these technological advancements help our society.
*** The above two sentences have the same meaning. Remove the first sentence. This also helps the article fit into the six sentence structure. Avoid first person point of view - do not use “our.”
Edited sentence: This is how these technological advancements help society.
Technological advancements can be anything that people in the past didn’t have ,we are lucky that we have these technological advancements that can make our lives more easier then complex.
*** Add “and” after the comma. Avoid first person point of view - do not use “we.” Note where words have been removed/changed.
Edited sentence: Technological advancements can be anything that people in the past didn’t have, and which people today are lucky to have since these technological advancements make their lives easier.
“The rate of technological advancement is increasing with time, society is looking to create and develop easier ways to live and lengthen their lives”
*** Start this sentence with “According to Colette Parker’s article.” This quote seems to be from: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/advancement-new-technology-positive-negative-colette-parker/.
Edited sentence: According to Colette Parker’s article, “The rate of technological advancement is increasing with time, society is looking to create and develop easier ways to live and lengthen their lives.”
this piece of detail shows how technological advancements help our lives not to be complex and more easier and how the rate of technological advancements has increased with in time.
*** Remove “piece of.” Remove the extra space between “how” and “technological” and between “easire” and “and how.” Remove “in.”
Edited sentence: This detail shows how technological advancements help make peoples’ lives easier and how the rate of technological advancements has increased with time.
Technological advancements is what we always depend on the most in life because it helps us stay warm,cold , gives us information,lets us communicate , travel,etc.
*** Avoid first person point of view - do not use “we” or “us.” Start this sentence with “People always depend on technological advancements the most in life…” Because “technological advancements” is plural, change “it” to “they.” Note where changes have been suggested.
Edited sentence: People always depend on technological advancements the most in life because they help people stay warm or cold, give information, and allow for communication and travel.
For example,[If someone is in a place where there are a lot of snow and it is cold , then they can use the heater in their house to keep them warm, or if they are in a place that is very hot, they can use their air conditioner in their house to keep them cool.]
*** Remove the brackets. Or is this a quote?
Edited sentence: For example, if someone is in a cold place where there is a lot of snow, then they can use the heater in their house to keep warm; or if they are in a place that is very hot, they can use their air conditioner to keep cool.
This shows how technological advancements helps us, technological advancements can also help us from getting sick cause if you think about , when it is cold you will get sick so you can use the heater to keep you out from the cold.
*** Split this sentence into two sentences. Write out words like “because.” Remove the “s” at the end of “helps.” Avoid first person point of view - do not use “us.” Also avoid second person point of view - do not use “you.” Use third person point of view only.
Edited sentence: This shows how technological advancements help people. Technological advancements can also prevent people from getting sick because when it is cold, people will get sick, so they can use the heater to keep out the cold.
This is how our technological advancements can help us in many different ways and how they can make our lives easier.
*** Avoid first person point of view - do not use “our” or “us.” Use third person point of view only.
Edited sentence: This is how technological advancements can help people in many different ways by making peoples’ lives easier.
Also how it can help prevent us from getting sick in the winter.
*** Combine this sentence with the previous sentence.
Edited sentence: This is how technological advancements can help people in many different ways by making peoples’ lives easier and preventing them from getting sick.
As humans beings advance,so does technology.
*** Remove the “s” at the end of “humans.” Add a space after the comma.
Edited sentence: As human beings advance, so does technology.
This adrancement comes with different implications for society.This is how technological advancements can help the society.,m
*** Combine the above two sentences. Remove the “,m” at the end. Spell “adrancement” as “advancement.”
Edited sentence: These advancements come with different implications for society, helping society.
*** Create a title and include the source. Make sure there is a space between sentences. This article summary is way over the six sentence structure. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited paragraph:
Technology is Helping
There are many technological advances that can help humans live easier: stoves, lights, cars, trucks, phones, etc. These technologies can help make human life easier because people can use phones to communicate with friends or family members that are far away, instead of buying a plane ticket and going to them just to talk to them and come right back. This is one way they can make peoples’ lives easier. Technological advances help society overall because they make communication and travel easier. According to KnowledgeHut, “Steam engines, electricity, petroleum and other technological advancements had repercussions throughout society.” This is how these technological advancements help society. Technological advancements can be anything that people in the past didn’t have, and which people today are lucky to have since these technological advancements make their lives easier. According to Colette Parker’s article, “The rate of technological advancement is increasing with time, society is looking to create and develop easier ways to live and lengthen their lives.” This detail shows how technological advancements help make peoples’ lives easier and how the rate of technological advancements has increased with time. People always depend on technological advancements the most in life because they help people stay warm or cold, give information, and allow for communication and travel. For example, if someone is in a cold place where there is a lot of snow, then they can use the heater in their house to keep warm; or if they are in a place that is very hot, they can use their air conditioner to keep cool. This shows how technological advancements help people. Technological advancements can also prevent people from getting sick because when it is cold, people will get sick, so they can use the heater to keep out the cold. This is how technological advancements can help people in many different ways by making peoples’ lives easier and preventing them from getting sick. As human beings advance, so does technology. These advancements come with different implications for society, helping society.
Source: https://www.knowledgehut.com/blog/information-technology/evolution-of-technology-its-important-to-life and https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/advancement-new-technology-positive-negative-colette-parker/
Edited by Penny Yagake
Yes, you really can work yourself to death
A regular employees work for 47 hours each week, some people say that they need 4 hours of sleep to get energy.54 percent of workers spend half of their vacation at work.Overworking can lead to sleeplessness, and stress, “Sedentary lifestyles, sleeplessness, and stress—all provoked by damaging work cultures and economic anxieties—are partly to blame.”This detail shows what overworking does to people and who it is partly to blame.For example [If you work for 47 hours every day and you barely get to sleep, then you are making the wrong choice to stay up for 47 hours each day because it can make you stressed a lot and make you feel sleepy at work every day and you can kill yourself for doing that.] “ that some 150,000 deaths in the United States each year, and as many as 1 million in China, can be attributed to overwork.” This detail shows how a lot of people died because of them over working almost everyday.That is why you shouldn’t over work all the time or else you can die from that.
Yes, you really can work yourself to death
*** This title appears to be the same as the title of this article: https://www.popsci.com/work-death/. Please rewrite the title.
A regular employees work for 47 hours each week, some people say that they need 4 hours of sleep to get energy.
*** Change “A” to “While.” Change “people” to “executives” to be more specific. Add “enough” before “energy.”
Edited sentence: While regular employees work for 47 hours each week, some executives say that they need 4 hours of sleep to get enough energy.
54 percent of workers spend half of their vacation at work.
*** If a sentence begins with a number, spell out the number. Remove the extra space after “workers.” Add “days” after “vacation.”
Edited sentence: Fifty-four percent of workers spend half of their vacation days at work.
Overworking can lead to sleeplessness, and stress, “Sedentary lifestyles, sleeplessness, and stress—all provoked by damaging work cultures and economic anxieties—are partly to blame.”
*** Remove the comma after the first “sleeplessness.” Add “as” after the first “stress.”
Edited sentence: Overworking can lead to sleeplessness and stress, as “Sedentary lifestyles, sleeplessness, and stress - all provoked by damaging work cultures and economic anxieties - are partly to blame.”
This detail shows what overworking does to people and who it is partly to blame.
*** Since the previous quote does not blame a particular person, the word “who” is not the most effective word to use here. Replace “who it is partly to blame” with “explains what causes overworking.”
Edited sentence: This detail shows what overworking does to people and explains what causes overworking.
For example [If you work for 47 hours every day and you barely get to sleep, then you are making the wrong choice to stay up for 47 hours each day because it can make you stressed a lot and make you feel sleepy at work every day and you can kill yourself for doing that.] “ that some 150,000 deaths in the United States each year, and as many as 1 million in China, can be attributed to overwork.”
*** There are 24 hours in a day, so it is not possible for a person to work for 47 hours per day. The article states that employees tend to work for 47 hours per “week.” Make the bracketed sentence its own sentence. Avoid second person point of view - do not use “you.” Write in third person point of view only. Replace “you” with pronouns like “people” or “they.”
Edited sentence: If a person works for 47 hours every week and barely gets any sleep, then they are making the wrong choice because it can make them stressed and sleepy at work, and it can end up killing them. For example, the article states “that some 150,000 deaths in the United States each year, and as many as 1 million in China, can be attributed to overwork.”
This detail shows how a lot of people died because of them over working almost everyday.
*** Remove “how.” Replace “of them” with “they were.” Remove the space between “over” and “working.” Write “everyday” as two words - “every day.”
Edited sentence: This detail shows a lot of people died because they were overworking almost every day.
That is why you shouldn’t over work all the time or else you can die from that.
*** Avoid second person point of view - do not use “you.” Replace “you” with “people.” Write “over work” as one word - “overwork.”
Edited sentence: This is why people shouldn’t overwork all the time or else they can die from doing that.
*** Include the source and rewrite the title. Make sure there is a space between sentences. Note which words should be written as one word and other words that should be written as two words. Avoid second person point of view - do not use “you.” Use third person point of view pronouns only, such as “people” or “they.” Make sure that the information included in the article summary is correct according to the source. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
While regular employees work for 47 hours each week, some executives say that they need 4 hours of sleep to get enough energy. Fifty-four percent of workers spend half of their vacation days at work. Overworking can lead to sleeplessness and stress, as “Sedentary lifestyles, sleeplessness, and stress - all provoked by damaging work cultures and economic anxieties - are partly to blame.” This detail shows what overworking does to people and explains what causes overworking. If a person works for 47 hours every week and barely gets any sleep, then they are making the wrong choice because it can make them stressed and sleepy at work, and it can end up killing them. For example, the article states “that some 150,000 deaths in the United States each year, and as many as 1 million in China, can be attributed to overwork.” This detail shows a lot of people died because they were overworking almost every day. This is why people shouldn’t overwork all the time or else they can die from doing that.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/work-death/
Edited by Penny Yagake
Bird poop helps keep coral reefs healthy, but rats are messing that up.
Bird poop help the ocean, corals, and fish ther cause their poop has nutrients.And that nutrients help the population of the fishes and corals there.But there are rats that destroys it, rats decreases the population of the fish and coral reefs. “ the bird poop ,which is rich in nitrogen, into the ocean, allowing sea life to thrive.” This shows how bird poop helps the ocean and everything that is inside it. “ Rats are known to be a nuisance on land, but now they are indirectly damaging coral reefs.” This detail shows how rats doesn't help the coral reef and the fish population to grow.This is all about how bird poop are helpful to the ocean unlike rats.
Bird poop helps keep coral reefs healthy, but rats are messing that up.
*** This title seems to be from this article: https://www.sciencenews.org/article/bird-poop-helps-keep-coral-reefs-healthy-rats-are-messing. Please rewrite the title of the article summary.
Bird poop help the ocean, corals, and fish ther cause their poop has nutrients.
*** Add an “s” at the end of “help.” Remove “ther.” Spell out “because” fully. Change “their” to “the.”
Edited sentence: Bird poop helps the ocean, corals, and fish because the poop has nutrients.
And that nutrients help the population of the fishes and corals there.
*** Change “that” to “those.”
Edited sentence: And those nutrients help the population of fishes and corals there.
But there are rats that destroys it, rats decreases the population of the fish and coral reefs.
*** What is “it”? Replace “destroys it, rats decreases” with “are decreasing.”
Edited sentence: But there are rats that are decreasing the population of the fish and coral reefs.
“ the bird poop ,which is rich in nitrogen, into the ocean, allowing sea life to thrive.”
*** This sentence is incomplete because it is missing a verb. How does the bird poop end up in the ocean? To fix this, you can include more of the quote, which seems to be from the article summary on the Good to Know main page. There should be a space after the first comma, not before the first comma. This sentence and the next sentence would fit well following the second sentence since they are discussing the same idea.
Edited sentence: According to the source, “the ocean sweeps the bird poop, which is rich in nitrogen, into the ocean, allowing sea life to thrive.”
This shows how bird poop helps the ocean and everything that is inside it.
*** Good.
“ Rats are known to be a nuisance on land, but now they are indirectly damaging coral reefs.”
*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: “Rats are known to be a nuisance on land, but now they are indirectly damaging coral reefs.”
This detail shows how rats doesn't help the coral reef and the fish population to grow.
*** Change “doesn’t” to “don’t.”
Edited sentence: This detail shows how rats don’t help the coral reef and the fish population to grow.
This is all about how bird poop are helpful to the ocean unlike rats.
*** “bird poop” is a singular noun so it should be followed by a singular verb. Change “are” to “is.”
Edited sentence: This is all about how bird poop is helpful to the ocean unlike rats.
*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Note that singular nouns should be followed by singular verbs and plural nouns should be followed by plural verbs. For example, a sentence with a singular noun and a singular verb would be written as “the rat is not helpful.” A sentence with a plural noun and a plural verb would be written as “the rats are not helpful.” Spell out words like “because” fully. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Bird poop helps the ocean, corals, and fish because the poop has nutrients. And those nutrients help the population of fishes and corals there. According to the source, “the ocean sweeps the bird poop, which is rich in nitrogen, into the ocean, allowing sea life to thrive.” This shows how bird poop helps the ocean and everything that is inside it. But there are rats that are decreasing the population of the fish and coral reefs. “Rats are known to be a nuisance on land, but now they are indirectly damaging coral reefs.” This detail shows how rats don’t help the coral reef and the fish population to grow. This is all about how bird poop is helpful to the ocean unlike rats.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Why Costa monkeys are turning yellow.
They are actually the color black but the monkeys don’t change unless humans are involved. “But monkeys cannot until humans are involved.”This shows how monkeys cannot change unless there is humans involved.Also they get their color from the pigment from yellow things that surrounds them such as pineapple, banana, and African palm oil farms sprayed with pesticides which mixes with the hair’s pigment that changes the color of the animals even monkeys.Additionally, the monkeys in Costa is changing their colors to yellow is because farmers their uses a lot of these pesticides which makes their color to change faster to yellow.This is why they are all turning yellow so fast and what caused it to happen.
Why Costa monkeys are turning yellow.
*** Is “Costa” supposed to be written as “Costa Rican”? Include the source so that this information can be checked. Additionally, capitalize “monkey,” “turning,” and “yellow.” Generally, all words should be capitalized in a title except for particles like “are.” Titles do not need periods.
Edited title: Why Costa Rican Monkeys are Turning Yellow
They are actually the color black but the monkeys don’t change unless humans are involved.
*** Change “They” to “These Costa Rican monkeys.” Remove “the color.” Add “color” after “change.”
Edited sentence: These Costa Rican monkeys are actually black but the monkeys don’t change color unless humans are involved.
“But monkeys cannot until humans are involved.”
*** This sentence is incomplete. Is this quote from this article? https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2018/11/why-are-these-costa-rican-monkeys-turning-yellow. If so, the quote must be written exactly as it is in the article — do not change words or remove punctuation from a quote.
Edited sentence: Other animals, like squids, can change color, “but monkeys cannot — until humans get involved.”
This shows how monkeys cannot change unless there is humans involved.
*** “humans” is a plural noun and should be paired with a plural verb, so “is” should be changed to “are.” Add “color” after “change.”
Edited sentence: This shows how monkeys cannot change color unless there are humans involved.
Also they get their color from the pigment from yellow things that surrounds them such as pineapple, banana, and African palm oil farms sprayed with pesticides which mixes with the hair’s pigment that changes the color of the animals even monkeys.
*** The color change is not from the pigment, but from the sulfur in the pesticides. I edited this sentence to reflect that. “animals” does not need to be mentioned because this article is only discussing the monkeys.
Edited sentence: Also they get their yellow color from the sulfur in the surrounding pineapple, banana, and African palm oil farms sprayed with pesticides which mixes with the hair’s pigment and changes the color of the monkeys.
Additionally, the monkeys in Costa is changing their colors to yellow is because farmers their uses a lot of these pesticides which makes their color to change faster to yellow.
*** “monkeys” is a plural noun and should be followed by a plural verb. Therefore, change “is” to “are.” You can change “their colors” to “from black” because this description is more specific. Remove “is” before “because” and remove “their” after “farmers.” Because “farmers” is a plural noun, remove the “s” at the end of “uses.” Remove the “s” at the end of “makes.” Remove “to” before “change.”
Edited sentence: Additionally, the monkeys in Costa Rica are changing from black to yellow because farmers use a lot of these pesticides which make their color change to yellow faster.
This is why they are all turning yellow so fast and what caused it to happen.
*** The phrase “and what caused it to happen” has the same meaning as the first part of the sentence, so it is not needed.
Edited sentence: This is why they are all turning yellow so fast.
*** Include the source. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Make sure that plural nouns are followed by plural verbs. For example, a sentence with a singular noun and a singular verb would be written as “the monkey is changing.” But a sentence with a plural noun and a plural verb would be written as “the monkeys are changing.” Additionally, make sure that the information included in the article summary is correct according to the source.
Fully edited article:
Why Costa Rican Monkeys are Turning Yellow
These Costa Rican monkeys are actually black but the monkeys don’t change color unless humans are involved. Other animals, like squids, can change color, “but monkeys cannot — until humans get involved.” This shows how monkeys cannot change color unless there are humans involved. Also they get their yellow color from the sulfur in the surrounding pineapple, banana, and African palm oil farms sprayed with pesticides which mixes with the hair’s pigment and changes the color of the monkeys. Additionally, the monkeys in Costa Rica are changing from black to yellow because farmers use a lot of these pesticides which make their color change to yellow faster. This is why they are all turning yellow so fast.
Source: https://www.sciencemag.org/news/2018/11/why-are-these-costa-rican-monkeys-turning-yellow
Edited by Penny Yagake
Prairie Dogs Are Serial Killers That Murder Their Competition
In the west of America there were blood spills by a white prairie dogs.There were a lot of ground squirrels that are dead and there was bite marks on them.This was the first time they saw a herbivorous mammal kill another animal without eating it. “It’s the first time that a herbivorous mammal has been seen killing competitors without eating them.” This shows how white prairie dogs kill the ground squirrels without eating them.This is what Hoogland said, “For four months every year, we live like prairie dogs,” this shows how we humans live like prairie dogs. “ The researchers identified 47 killer prairie dogs—both male and female, and always adults.” This shows the amount of killer prairie dogs there are and that they are always adults that are female and male.
Prairie Dogs Are Serial Killers That Murder Their Competition
*** This title looks like the one in this article: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/news/2016/03/160322-prairie-dogs-squirrels-murders-animals-killers/. Please rewrite the title of this article summary.
In the west of America there were blood spills by a white prairie dogs.
*** Change “there were blood spills” to “blood has been spilled.” Remove “a.” According to the article, they are “white-tailed prairie dogs.”
Edited sentence: In the west of America blood has been spilled by white-tailed prairie dogs.
There were a lot of ground squirrels that are dead and there was bite marks on them.
*** Since this sentence starts with a verb in past tense, the other verbs should also be past tense. Change “are” to “were.” Change “was” to “were.”
Edited sentence: There were a lot of ground squirrels that were dead and there were bite marks on them.
This was the first time they saw a herbivorous mammal kill another animal without eating it.
*** Who is “they”?
Edited sentence: This was the first time researchers saw a herbivorous mammal kill another animal without eating it.
“It’s the first time that a herbivorous mammal has been seen killing competitors without eating them.”
*** Good.
This shows how white prairie dogs kill the ground squirrels without eating them.
*** Change “white prairie dogs” to “white-tailed prairie dogs.”
Edited sentence: This shows how white-tailed prairie dogs kill the ground squirrels without eating them.
This is what Hoogland said, “For four months every year, we live like prairie dogs,” this shows how we humans live like prairie dogs.
*** Remove “This is what.” Change “this shows” to “which shows.” Avoid first person point of view — remove “we.” Use third person point of view only.
Edited sentence: Hoogland said, “For four months every year, we live like prairie dogs,” which shows how humans live like prairie dogs.
“ The researchers identified 47 killer prairie dogs—both male and female, and always adults.”
*** Good, but remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.
This shows the amount of killer prairie dogs there are and that they are always adults that are female and male.
*** Good.
*** Include the source. You must create your own title — do not copy from the source. Use third person point of view only for these article summaries. Make sure to include important details — a “white-tailed prairie dog” is more specific than a “white prairie dog.” When using the word “they,” make sure that “they” has already been identified.
Fully edited article:
In the west of America blood has been spilled by white-tailed prairie dogs. There were a lot of ground squirrels that were dead and there were bite marks on them. This was the first time researchers saw a herbivorous mammal kill another animal without eating it. “It’s the first time that a herbivorous mammal has been seen killing competitors without eating them.” This shows how white-tailed prairie dogs kill the ground squirrels without eating them. Hoogland said, “For four months every year, we live like prairie dogs,” which shows how humans live like prairie dogs. “The researchers identified 47 killer prairie dogs—both male and female, and always adults.” This shows the amount of killer prairie dogs there are and that they are always adults that are female and male.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/news/2016/03/160322-prairie-dogs-squirrels-murders-animals-killers/
Edited by Penny Yagake
Equal Spaces
Animals and humans need equal amount of space in this world but sadly there isn’t.Humans population are always increasing and we take up most of they spaces we can find,this doesn’t help the wildlife because we are taking too much of the space that we don’t even live room for the wildlife, and now scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife. “Human populations continue to increase and take up more living space.” This shows how humans population growing fast can take up more space. “This makes it hard for wildlife, so scientists are now trying to create a space where both humans and wildlife can live.” this shows how humans taking up too much space can be hard for wildlife to get their space, it also shows how scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.
Equal Spaces
Animals and humans need equal amount of space in this world but sadly there isn’t.
*** Add an “s” at the end of “amount” since this sentence discusses the amount of space needed for both animals and humans. Add “enough space” after “isn’t.”
Edited sentence: Animals and humans need equal amounts of space in this world but sadly there isn’t enough space.
Humans population are always increasing and we take up most of they spaces we can find,this doesn’t help the wildlife because we are taking too much of the space that we don’t even live room for the wildlife, and now scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.
*** This sentence is pretty long, so split it into two sentences. Add “The” at the beginning of this sentence and remove the “s” at the end of “Humans.” Change “are” at the beginning of this sentence to “is” since one type of population is discussed. Avoid first person point of view — remove “we” and replace it with “people.” Use third person point of view only. Replace “live” with “leave.”
Edited sentence: The human population is always increasing and people are taking up most of the space that can be found. This doesn’t help the wildlife because people are taking up so much space that they don’t even leave room for the wildlife, and now scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.
“Human populations continue to increase and take up more living space.”
*** Good.
This shows how humans population growing fast can take up more space.
*** Remove the “s” at the end of “humans.” Add “the” before “human.” Add “is” after “population” and add “and” after “fast.” Since this is currently happening, change “can take” to “is taking.”
Edited sentence: This shows how the human population is growing fast and is taking up more space.
“This makes it hard for wildlife, so scientists are now trying to create a space where both humans and wildlife can live.”
*** Good.
this shows how humans taking up too much space can be hard for wildlife to get their space, it also shows how scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.
*** Capitalize “this” at the beginning of this sentence. Change “be” to “make it.” Add “and” before “it.”
Edited sentence: This shows how humans taking up too much space can make it hard for wildlife to get their space, and it also shows how scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.
*** Include the source. Avoid run-on sentences — see if longer sentences can be divided into shorter sentences. Make sure that singular subjects are followed by singular verbs, and plural subjects are followed by plural verbs.
Fully edited article:
Equal Spaces
Animals and humans need equal amounts of space in this world but sadly there isn’t enough space. The human population is always increasing and people are taking up most of the space that can be found. This doesn’t help the wildlife because people are taking up so much space that they don’t even leave room for the wildlife, and now scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife. “Human populations continue to increase and take up more living space.” This shows how the human population is growing fast and is taking up more space. “This makes it hard for wildlife, so scientists are now trying to create a space where both humans and wildlife can live.” This shows how humans taking up too much space can make it hard for wildlife to get their space, and it also shows how scientists are trying to make space for both humans and wildlife.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Can Humans Die from Apple Seeds?
Apple seed are bad for humans cause it has poison and amygdalin that is bad for the body of the humans.An average adult can eat up to 150 apple seeds ,there are many ways to eat an apple seeds without getting poisoned."Apple seeds are actually poisonous and can kill humans. Apple seeds and related fruit seeds contain amygdalin."This shows how apple seeds are bad for humans." 1) The amygdalin has to be crushed or chewed in order to release the amygdalin, so a whole unbroken seed will not release this chemical. 2) The human body can process small amounts of hydrogen cyanide without it being harmful."This shows the steps on how to eat apple seeds without getting poisoned."The average adult has to eat at least over 150 apple seeds (depending on the kind)."This shows the amount os apple seeds a normal human can eat.
Can Humans Die from Apple Seeds?
*** This title is the same as the one on the Good to Know main page. Please rewrite the title.
Apple seed are bad for humans cause it has poison and amygdalin that is bad for the body of the humans.
*** Add an “s” at the end of “seed” since there is more than one seed. Spell out “because” fully. Change “it has” to “they have.” Since amygdalin is the poison in the seed, change “and” to “called.” You can shorten “the body of the humans” to “the human body.”
Edited sentence: Apple seeds are bad for humans because they have a poison called amygdalin that is bad for the human body.
An average adult can eat up to 150 apple seeds ,there are many ways to eat an apple seeds without getting poisoned.
*** Add a space after this sentence. Additionally, an adult can but should not eat “up to 150 apple seeds” because that is the amount that could poison them. Therefore, an adult can eat less than 150 apple seeds. There should be a space after the comma, not before the comma. I added “but” after the comma to connect the two parts of the sentence more.
Edited sentence: An average adult can eat less than 150 apple seeds before getting poisoned, but there are many ways to eat an apple without getting poisoned.
"Apple seeds are actually poisonous and can kill humans. Apple seeds and related fruit seeds contain amygdalin."
*** This is from the article summary on the Good to Know main page. Include the source in your article summary.
This shows how apple seeds are bad for humans.
*** Good.
" 1) The amygdalin has to be crushed or chewed in order to release the amygdalin, so a whole unbroken seed will not release this chemical. 2) The human body can process small amounts of hydrogen cyanide without it being harmful."
*** This is also from the article summary on the Good to Know main page. The numbers suggest that there is a list here, but there is no mention of a list in this summary because this is a fragment of the original sentence. I added “According to the source” at the beginning of this sentence to help incorporate the quote better.
Edited sentence: According to the source, “The amygdalin has to be crushed or chewed in order to release the amygdalin, so a whole unbroken seed will not release this chemical” and “The human body can process small amounts of hydrogen cyanide without it being harmful.”
This shows the steps on how to eat apple seeds without getting poisoned.
*** According to the source, these are not “steps on how to eat apple seeds without getting poisoned.” They are not meant to instruct the reader. These are “requirements” that need to be met before a person is at risk of being poisoned. I edited this sentence to reflect that.
Edited sentence: This shows how people can eat a few apple seeds without getting poisoned.
"The average adult has to eat at least over 150 apple seeds (depending on the kind)."
*** Explain why.
Edited sentence: “The average adult has to eat at least over 150 apple seeds (depending on the kind)” before they have a chance of being poisoned.
This shows the amount os apple seeds a normal human can eat.
*** Change “os” to “of.”
Edited sentence: This shows the amount of apple seeds a normal human can eat.
*** Rewrite the title and include the source. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences. Spell out words like “because” fully. Make sure that plural nouns are used consistently. Check to make sure the information in your article summary is correct according to the source. If you are going to include steps or a numbered list, you need to have a sentence explaining what that list is for. Watch out for misspelled words.
Fully edited article:
Apple seeds are bad for humans because they have a poison called amygdalin that is bad for the human body. An average adult can eat less than 150 apple seeds before getting poisoned, but there are many ways to eat an apple without getting poisoned. "Apple seeds are actually poisonous and can kill humans. Apple seeds and related fruit seeds contain amygdalin." This shows how apple seeds are bad for humans. According to the source, “The amygdalin has to be crushed or chewed in order to release the amygdalin, so a whole unbroken seed will not release this chemical” and “The human body can process small amounts of hydrogen cyanide without it being harmful.” This shows how people can eat a few apple seeds without getting poisoned. “The average adult has to eat at least over 150 apple seeds (depending on the kind)” before they have a chance of being poisoned. This shows the amount of apple seeds a normal human can eat.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Bengal Tigers are Headed for Extinction
Bengal Tigers are in danger because people are trying to hunt it down.These tigers are a threat to the village people, so they kill these animals so that they are safe form the animal. " Bengal tigers are now endangered as many people have begun to hunt them down." This shows how they are are endangered because of people killing them." Bengal tigers are a threat to the village people, so many villagers are killing them for safety."This shows how the animals are a threat to the people ,so that is why they kill them, they kill them for their safety.Bengal Tigers are also hunted for their bone," At the same time, the tigers are hunted down for their bone to be used in Chinese traditional medicine."This shows how they are not only hunted so they don't harm other people, and what they use their bone .This is all about the Bengal Tigers.
Bengal Tigers are Headed for Extinction
Bengal Tigers are in danger because people are trying to hunt it down.
*** “Tigers” does not need to be capitalized. Replace “it” with “them” since there is more than one tiger. Add a space after this sentence.
Edited sentence: Bengal tigers are in danger because people are trying to hunt them down.
These tigers are a threat to the village people, so they kill these animals so that they are safe form the animal.
*** Which village is discussed here? “form” should be spelled as “from.” Add an “s” after “animal” since there is more than one tiger. Replace the first “they” with “the people” to make the sentence clearer. Replace the second “are” with “will be.” Remove the extra space after this sentence.
Edited sentence: These tigers are a threat to the village people, so the people kill these animals so that they will be safe from the animals.
" Bengal tigers are now endangered as many people have begun to hunt them down."
*** Remove the space after the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: “Bengal tigers are now endangered as many people have begun to hunt them down.”
This shows how they are are endangered because of people killing them.
*** Replace “they” with “the tigers” to make the sentence clearer. Remove the “are” before endangered. Remove “of” and add “are” after “people.”
Edited sentence: This shows how the tigers are endangered because people are killing them.
" Bengal tigers are a threat to the village people, so many villagers are killing them for safety."
*** Remove the space after the first quotation mark. However, there should be a space before the first quotation mark and there should be a space after the end quotation mark.
Edited sentence: “Bengal tigers are a threat to the village people, so many villagers are killing them for safety.”
This shows how the animals are a threat to the people ,so that is why they kill them, they kill them for their safety.
*** There should be a space after the first comma, not before the comma. “they kill them” does not have to be repeated. Replace “them” with “the tigers” to make the sentence clearer.
Edited sentence: This shows how the animals are a threat to the people, so that is why they kill the tigers for their safety.
Bengal Tigers are also hunted for their bone," At the same time, the tigers are hunted down for their bone to be used in Chinese traditional medicine."
*** There should be a space before the first quotation mark, not after the quotation mark. Add a space after the end quotation mark. To connect the first part of the sentence with the quote, you can add “as the article states,” before the quote.
Edited sentence: Bengal tigers are also hunted for their bone, as the article states, “At the same time, the tigers are hunted down for their bone to be used in Chinese traditional medicine.”
This shows how they are not only hunted so they don't harm other people, and what they use their bone .
*** Add “that” after “so.” Try using the “not only… but also” sentence structure here, as shown in the edited sentence. Add an “s” after “bone” since there is more than one bone. Remove the space after "bone."
Edited sentence: This shows how they are not only hunted so that they don’t harm other people, but also so that people can use their bones.
This is all about the Bengal Tigers.
*** “Tigers” does not need to be capitalized.
Edited sentence: This is all about the Bengal tigers.
*** Include the source. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences. Check the spacing in these sentences. There should be a space before the first quotation mark, but there should not be a space after the first quotation mark. There should also be a space after the end quotation mark at the end of a sentence. Make sure that plural nouns are used consistently. Watch out for repeated words and spelling errors.
Fully edited article:
Bengal Tigers are Headed for Extinction
Bengal tigers are in danger because people are trying to hunt them down. These tigers are a threat to the village people, so the people kill these animals so that they will be safe from the animals. “Bengal tigers are now endangered as many people have begun to hunt them down.” This shows how the tigers are endangered because people are killing them. “Bengal tigers are a threat to the village people, so many villagers are killing them for safety.” This shows how the animals are a threat to the people, so that is why they kill the tigers for their safety. Bengal tigers are also hunted for their bone, as the article states, “At the same time, the tigers are hunted down for their bone to be used in Chinese traditional medicine.” This shows how they are not only hunted so that they don’t harm other people, but also so that people can use their bones. This is all about the Bengal tigers.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The Coldest Known Place in the World
The researchers scientists found the coldest place on earth, it is -144 F there in Antartica, but the temperature may decrease because of globe warming."The recorded temperature was negative 144ºF, but this temperature might not decrease due to global warming."This shows how the temperature is very high which makes it the coldest place on earth, but it will decrease cause of global warming.Some say that it was so cold that it is like another planet." this location was so cold it was "almost like another planet." This what other people said and also shows how cold the place is.The Researchers were was curious about how low the temperature can go."They were curious as to how much lower the temperature could drop, and this is where they found that it could go as low as negative 144ºF."This shows how the Researchers was curious about how low the temperature can go and how they found out that it can only go up to -144 F.This is all about the coldest place found in the world.
The Coldest Known Place in the World
*** This title is the same as the one on the Good to Know main page. Please change it.
The researchers scientists found the coldest place on earth, it is -144 F there in Antartica, but the temperature may decrease because of globe warming.
*** Remove “The” at the beginning of this sentence. You do not need both “researchers” and “scientists,” so use just one of the two words. Capitalize “earth” since it is the name of a planet. “Antartica” should be spelled as “Antarctica.” “globe warming” should be spelled as “global warming.” The quote in the next sentence states that the temperature may not decrease, so this sentence should reflect that.
Edited sentence: Researchers found the coldest place on Earth at minus 144°F in Antarctica, but the temperature may not decrease because of global warming.
"The recorded temperature was negative 144ºF, but this temperature might not decrease due to global warming."
*** Add a space after the end quotation mark. I cannot find this quote on the internet — where is the source?
This shows how the temperature is very high which makes it the coldest place on earth, but it will decrease cause of global warming.
*** The temperature is actually very low. Spell out “because.” The quote states that the temperature will not decrease. Capitalize “earth” since it is the name of a planet.
Edited sentence: This shows how the temperature is very low which makes it the coldest place on Earth, but it will not decrease because of global warming.
Some say that it was so cold that it is like another planet." this location was so cold it was "almost like another planet."
*** You can combine these two sentences, as shown in the edited sentence below. This sentence should be in present tense, so replace “was” with “is.” Try to identify who said this quote.
Edited sentence: Researchers say that this location is so cold it is “almost like another planet.”
This what other people said and also shows how cold the place is.
*** The first half of the sentence is not needed since the previous sentence states that a person said this quote.
Edited sentence: This shows how cold the place is.
The Researchers were was curious about how low the temperature can go.
*** Remove “was.” The word “Researchers” should not be capitalized.
Edited sentence: The researchers were curious about how low the temperature can go.
"They were curious as to how much lower the temperature could drop, and this is where they found that it could go as low as negative 144ºF."
*** This sentence is the same as the one on the Good to Know main page. Is that article summary the source?
This shows how the Researchers was curious about how low the temperature can go and how they found out that it can only go up to -144 F.
*** The word “Researchers” should not be capitalized. The word “researchers” is a plural noun so it should be followed by a plural verb. Therefore, “was” should be written as “were.” The researchers were checking to see how much the temperature can go down, not up.
Edited sentence: This shows how the researchers were curious about how low the temperature can go and how they found out that it can only go down to minus 144ºF.
This is all about the coldest place found in the world.
*** Include the source so that the quotes can be checked. Rewrite the title. Capitalize proper nouns such as the name of a planet. Words such as “researchers” do not need to be capitalized. Words like “because” need to be spelled out. Make sure that the information in your article summary is correct according to the source. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Researchers found the coldest place on Earth at minus 144°F in Antarctica, but the temperature may not decrease because of global warming. "The recorded temperature was negative 144ºF, but this temperature might not decrease due to global warming." This shows how the temperature is very low which makes it the coldest place on Earth, but it will not decrease because of global warming. Researchers say that this location is so cold it is “almost like another planet.” This shows how cold the place is. The researchers were curious about how low the temperature can go. "They were curious as to how much lower the temperature could drop, and this is where they found that it could go as low as negative 144ºF." This shows how the researchers were curious about how low the temperature can go and how they found out that it can only go down to minus 144ºF. This is all about the coldest place found in the world.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Wallace's Giant Bee: The Flying Bulldog
The animal is known to be the largest bee every recorded it was rediscovered in
Indonesia.It looked like a black wasp with big jaws." The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia. According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws."This shows where this animal was discovered, who discovered it ,and what the animal looked like.This bee has two and a half inches for wingspan.After the scientists saw the bee they wished and wanted ,in the future to be able to protect these unique bees." scientists in the future, in order to find other specimens. There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee."This shows that the scientists wants the unique bees to be protected.This is all about the large bee.
Wallace's Giant Bee: The Flying Bulldog
The animal is known to be the largest bee every recorded it was rediscovered in
Indonesia.
*** Change the first “The” to “This.” Remove the “y” in “every.” Move “rediscovered in Indonesia” after “This animal,” as shown in the edited sentence below.
Edited sentence: This animal rediscovered in Indonesia is known to be the largest bee ever recorded.
It looked like a black wasp with big jaws.
*** Good.
" The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia. According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws."
*** Remove the space after the first quotation mark. Add a space after the end quotation mark.
Edited sentence: “The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia. According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws."
This shows where this animal was discovered, who discovered it ,and what the animal looked like.
*** There should be a space after the second comma, not before the second comma.
Edited sentence: This shows where this animal was discovered, who discovered it, and what the animal looked like.
This bee has two and a half inches for wingspan.
*** Change “for” to “of.”
Edited sentence: This bee has a wingspan of two and a half inches.
After the scientists saw the bee they wished and wanted ,in the future to be able to protect these unique bees.
*** Remove “wished” since this sentence does not need both “wished” and “wanted.” Move the space before the comma to after the comma. Move “in the future” to the end of the sentence.
Edited sentence: After the scientists saw the bee they wanted to be able to protect these unique bees for the future.
" scientists in the future, in order to find other specimens. There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee."
*** The first sentence is incomplete. I think only the second sentence is needed here.
Edited sentence: “There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee.”
This shows that the scientists wants the unique bees to be protected.
*** Since the word “scientists” is plural, it should be followed by a plural form of the verb. Therefore, remove the “s” in “wants.”
Edited sentence: This shows that the scientists want the unique bees to be protected.
This is all about the large bee.
*** Since this article summary is over six sentences, you could remove this last sentence.
*** Include the source. Make sure there is a space after each period, otherwise it is hard to tell where a quote begins and ends. However, there should not be a space after the first quotation mark. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Wallace's Giant Bee: The Flying Bulldog
This animal rediscovered in Indonesia is known to be the largest bee ever recorded. It looked like a black wasp with big jaws. “The world’s largest bee was recently rediscovered in Indonesia. According to Alfred Russel Wallace, the British naturalist who first discovered the bee, it looks like a black wasp with immense jaws." This shows where this animal was discovered, who discovered it, and what the animal looked like. This bee has a wingspan of two and a half inches. After the scientists saw the bee they wanted to be able to protect these unique bees for the future. “There are now plans to work alongside conservation groups to ensure the protection of this magnificent bee.” This shows that the scientists want the unique bees to be protected.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Ozmo, the Ultimate Robot-Hero!
This robot is a hero for all humans cause it makes sure that all the humans are safe and cleans up glass so the humans do not get hurt."Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes while humans watch safely from below."This shows how the robot is assigned to help the humans by cleaning the glass. The good thing about having this robot is that it works faster and safer."The benefits of having Ozmo are that it works faster and safer, taking 80 hours to clean the entire outside."This shows how the robot can be useful to us and how they work for 80 hours and fast, it also shows how they work safely.This is all about the robot named Ozmo.
Ozmo, the Ultimate Robot-Hero!
This robot is a hero for all humans cause it makes sure that all the humans are safe and cleans up glass so the humans do not get hurt.
*** Write out “because” fully. Is this sentence discussing broken glass or glass windows?
Edited sentence: This robot is a hero for all humans because it makes sure that all the humans are safe and cleans up glass so the humans do not get hurt.
"Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes while humans watch safely from below."
*** Good, but you could also state who is saying this quote.
This shows how the robot is assigned to help the humans by cleaning the glass.
*** Good.
The good thing about having this robot is that it works faster and safer.
*** Avoid using the word “thing.” Instead, state what the thing is or describe it.
Edited sentence: The good part about having this robot is that it works faster and safer.
"The benefits of having Ozmo are that it works faster and safer, taking 80 hours to clean the entire outside."
*** Good.
This shows how the robot can be useful to us and how they work for 80 hours and fast, it also shows how they work safely.
*** Avoid first person point of view. Remove “to us.” Use third person point of view only. I removed some of the words so that the sentence would not be a run-on sentence.
Edited sentence: This shows how the robot can be useful and how they work fast and safe for 80 hours.
This is all about the robot named Ozmo.
*** Good.
*** Please include the source. Avoid first person point of view (do not use words such as I, my, we, our, us). Use third person point of view only for these article summaries. Additionally avoid using the word “thing,” and state what the thing is or describe it. Words like “because” should be written out fully. Try to state who is saying the quotes. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Ozmo, the Ultimate Robot-Hero!
This robot is a hero for all humans because it makes sure that all the humans are safe and cleans up glass so the humans do not get hurt. "Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes while humans watch safely from below." This shows how the robot is assigned to help the humans by cleaning the glass. The good part about having this robot is that it works faster and safer. "The benefits of having Ozmo are that it works faster and safer, taking 80 hours to clean the entire outside.” This shows how the robot can be useful and how they work fast and safe for 80 hours. This is all about the robot named Ozmo.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Privacy on the Internet
When we use the internet, we need to keep our personal thing to ourselves.And when we approve the the apps company ,they will know all of our information cause of our filters."For example, in recent days, the Face App came up with a new filter that ages one’s face. While amusing to play with these filters, we forget that once we agree to the company’s policy, we are giving out our personal information.'This shows how face apps can give out a lot of our private information to them.Not only can face apps can get your info, but also camera apps."Even our photos and camera can be accessed, including much of our additionally private information. This does not necessarily mean you are in danger, only that your information is accessible to the company."This shows how these are bad if they know all of your personal information and how it is dangerous that the company knows and can seal of your information ,even the personal ones.This is all about privacy on the internet.
Privacy on the Internet
When we use the internet, we need to keep our personal thing to ourselves.
*** Avoid first person point of view. Remove “we,” “our,” and “ourselves.” Use third person point of view instead, and replace these pronouns with others such as “people,” “a person,” or “their.” Also avoid using the word “thing.” Instead, tell the reader what the thing is or describe the thing.
Edited sentence: When people use the internet, they need to keep their personal information to themselves.
And when we approve the the apps company ,they will know all of our information cause of our filters.
*** Remove the second “the.” Add an apostrophe before the “s” in “apps.” There should be a space after the comma, not before the comma. Again, avoid first person point of view and use third person point of view only. Write out “because” fully.
Edited sentence: And when people approve an app’s company, the company will know all of their information because of their filters.
"For example, in recent days, the Face App came up with a new filter that ages one’s face. While amusing to play with these filters, we forget that once we agree to the company’s policy, we are giving out our personal information.'
*** There should be a double quotation mark (“) at the end of this quote.
Edited sentence: “For example, in recent days, the Face App came up with a new filter that ages one’s face. While amusing to play with these filters, we forget that once we agree to the company’s policy, we are giving out our personal information.”
This shows how face apps can give out a lot of our private information to them.
*** Again, avoid first person point of view. Use only third person point of view. Replace “our” with “people’s.”
Edited sentence: This shows how face apps can give out a lot of people’s private information to them.
Not only can face apps can get your info, but also camera apps.
*** Remove the second “can.” Avoid second person point of view — replace “your” with “people’s.” Write out “information” fully.
Edited sentence: Not only can face apps get people’s information, but also camera apps can get information.
"Even our photos and camera can be accessed, including much of our additionally private information. This does not necessarily mean you are in danger, only that your information is accessible to the company."
*** Good.
This shows how these are bad if they know all of your personal information and how it is dangerous that the company knows and can seal of your information ,even the personal ones.
*** Again, avoid second person point of view — do not use “you” or “your.” “seal” should be spelled as “steal.” I moved some words around to improve the flow of the sentence. Since you already state “personal information” in the first half of the sentence, you do not need “even the personal ones” at the end of the sentence.
Edited sentence: This shows how bad it is if companies know all of a person’s private information and how dangerous it is if companies can steal all of their information.
This is all about privacy on the internet.
*** Good.
*** Please include the source. Make sure there is a space between sentences otherwise it is hard to tell where a quote begins and ends. Avoid first person point of view (we, our) and second person point of view (you, your). Use only third person point of view. Certain words, such as “information” and “because,” should be written out fully. Remember that the article summary needs six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Privacy on the Internet
When people use the internet, they need to keep their personal information to themselves. And when people approve an app’s company, the company will know all of their information because of their filters. “For example, in recent days, the Face App came up with a new filter that ages one’s face. While amusing to play with these filters, we forget that once we agree to the company’s policy, we are giving out our personal information.” This shows how face apps can give out a lot of people’s private information to them. Not only can face apps get people’s information, but also camera apps can get information. "Even our photos and camera can be accessed, including much of our additionally private information. This does not necessarily mean you are in danger, only that your information is accessible to the company." This shows how bad it is if companies know all of a person’s private information and how dangerous it is if companies can steal all of their information. This is all about privacy on the internet.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Air Guns to find Oil and Gas in the Seas
Oil and gas companies are now allowed to use seismic air guns to find oil that is buried in the sea floor.This is bad for dolphins and whales ,the other small animals are getting killed because of the gun."The guns’ blasts put sea creatures such as dolphins and whales in danger because they use sound for communication, feeding, and more."This shows that whales and dolphins are in danger because of the gun." The smallest oceanic members are being killed by the seismic air blasts."This shows how the gun can also kill the smaller sea animals there.This is all about Air Guns to find Oil and Gas in the Seas.
Air Guns to find Oil and Gas in the Seas
*** Capitalize “find.”
Edited title: Air Guns to Find Oil and Gas in the Seas
Oil and gas companies are now allowed to use seismic air guns to find oil that is buried in the sea floor.
*** Good.
This is bad for dolphins and whales ,the other small animals are getting killed because of the gun.
*** There should be a space after the comma, not before the comma. Remove “the” before “other.” After that, add “since” before “other.”
Edited sentence: This is bad for dolphins and whales, since other small animals are getting killed because of the gun.
"The guns’ blasts put sea creatures such as dolphins and whales in danger because they use sound for communication, feeding, and more."
*** Good, but you could also state who is saying this quote.
This shows that whales and dolphins are in danger because of the gun.
*** Good.
" The smallest oceanic members are being killed by the seismic air blasts."
*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: “The smallest oceanic members are being killed by the seismic air blasts.”
This shows how the gun can also kill the smaller sea animals there.
Good.
This is all about Air Guns to find Oil and Gas in the Seas.
*** Add “how” after “about.” Remove “to.” You do not need to capitalize “Air Guns,” “Oil,” “Gas,” or “Seas” unless this is the title of the source article.
Edited sentence: This is all about how air guns find oil and gas in the seas.
*** Include the source. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence, otherwise it is hard to tell where a quote begins and where a quote ends.
Fully edited article:
Air Guns to Find Oil and Gas in the Seas
Oil and gas companies are now allowed to use seismic air guns to find oil that is buried in the sea floor. This is bad for dolphins and whales, since other small animals are getting killed because of the gun. "The guns’ blasts put sea creatures such as dolphins and whales in danger because they use sound for communication, feeding, and more." This shows that whales and dolphins are in danger because of the gun. “The smallest oceanic members are being killed by the seismic air blasts.” This shows how the gun can also kill the smaller sea animals there. This is all about how air guns find oil and gas in the seas.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Lend an “Ear” to Learn About Corn Pollution
Corn is one of America's favorite crop, but is endangered because of pollution.America's corn are know to lead to thousands of deaths."America's corn may contribute to thousands of deaths a year from its air pollution."This shows how our corns can lead to many people to dye in a year."Corn is easily one of America’s favorite crops, but it can be dangerous due to the pollution it causes."This shows how corn is endangered because of pollution." Corn is the most produced feed grain in the U.S. taking up more than 90 million acres of farmland."This shows how corns are the crops that has been taken up to more than 90million racers of farmland.This is all about corns and pollution that effects it.
Lend an “Ear” to Learn About Corn Pollution
*** Good.
Corn is one of America's favorite crop, but is endangered because of pollution.
*** Make sure there is a space after the period at the end of each sentence. “crop” needs an “s” at the end because there is more than one crop. Add “it” before “is endangered.” “endangered” means that the corn is in danger, but that is not the intended meaning in the quotes. The quotes state that the corn is dangerous to people because it causes air pollution.
Edited sentence: Corn is one of America’s favorite crops, but it is dangerous because it causes air pollution.
America's corn are know to lead to thousands of deaths.
*** “are” should be replaced with “is” because this sentence is discussing one type of corn. “know” should be written as “known.”
Edited sentence: America’s corn is known to lead to thousands of deaths.
"America's corn may contribute to thousands of deaths a year from its air pollution."
*** Good, but include the source so that these quotes can be checked.
This shows how our corns can lead to many people to dye in a year.
*** Avoid first person point of view (“our”) and use third person point of view instead. “corns” does not need an “s” because this sentence is discussing one type of corn. “dye” is not the right word to use here since “dye” refers to the coloring of fabric or other material. “dye” should be replaced with “dying.”
Edited sentence: This shows how America’s corn can lead to many people dying in a year.
"Corn is easily one of America’s favorite crops, but it can be dangerous due to the pollution it causes."
*** Good, but include the source so that these quotes can be checked.
This shows how corn is endangered because of pollution.
*** Change “endangered” to “dangerous.”
Edited sentence: This shows how corn is dangerous because of pollution.
" Corn is the most produced feed grain in the U.S. taking up more than 90 million acres of farmland."
*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: “Corn is the most produced feed grain in the U.S. taking up more than 90 million acres of farmland.”
This shows how corns are the crops that has been taken up to more than 90million racers of farmland.
*** “corns” and “crops” do not need an “s” at the end because this sentence is discussing one type of corn. “been” and “to” are not needed. “racers” should be spelled as “acres.” Add a space after “90.”
Edited sentence: This shows how corn is the crop that has taken up more than 90 million acres of farmland.
This is all about corns and pollution that effects it.
*** “corns” does not need an “s” because this sentence is discussing one type of corn. The quotes do not say that the corn is affected by pollution. The quotes say that corn causes the pollution.
Edited sentence: This is all about corn and the pollution it causes.
*** Please include the source so that the quotes can be checked. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Avoid first person point of view (“our”) and use third person point of view instead. Make sure that the information included in the summary is correct according to the source.
Fully edited article:
Lend an “Ear” to Learn About Corn Pollution
Corn is one of America’s favorite crops, but it is dangerous because it causes air pollution. America’s corn is known to lead to thousands of deaths. "America's corn may contribute to thousands of deaths a year from its air pollution." This shows how America’s corn can lead to many people dying in a year. "Corn is easily one of America’s favorite crops, but it can be dangerous due to the pollution it causes." This shows how corn is dangerous because of pollution. “Corn is the most produced feed grain in the U.S. taking up more than 90 million acres of farmland.” This shows how corn is the crop that has taken up more than 90 million acres of farmland. This is all about corn and the pollution it causes.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Boeing Planes Are Grounded – Literally
There are many thing in our lives that we need like technology, some technology are good and works well with no problem, but there are some technology that are not trust worthy ." Two aviation accidents occurred that involved the same type of aircraft: a 737 MAX 8.'This shows how there was a plane crash between two planes and how the plane craft was a fail.Even if they builded a new and better plane craft, the FAA grounded the 737 planes." Although the software is being expertly developed, the FAA has grounded all Boeing 737 MAX planes, for the time being."This shows how the 737 plane is grounded because of the accident that happened with the two planes, the FAA doesn't trust the 737 planes anymore.This is all about the 737 planes being grounded because of the accident that happened with the two planes.
Boeing Planes Are Grounded – Literally
*** Good.
There are many thing in our lives that we need like technology, some technology are good and works well with no problem, but there are some technology that are not trust worthy .
*** Avoid using the word “thing.” Tell the reader what it is. Avoid first person point of view (“our”) and use third person point of view instead.
Edited sentence: There are many tools in a person’s life that they need, like technology, but while some technologies are good and work well with no problem, other technologies are not as trustworthy.
" Two aviation accidents occurred that involved the same type of aircraft: a 737 MAX 8.'
*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark. There needs to be a double quotation mark at the end of the quote (“) like the one at the beginning of the quote.
Edited sentence: “Two aviation accidents occurred that involved the same type of aircraft: a 737 MAX 8.”
This shows how there was a plane crash between two planes and how the plane craft was a fail.
*** “how” is not needed. “craft” is not needed. “fail” should be written as “failure.” “plane craft” should be written as “aircraft.” Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. There were two separate plane crashes, so this sentence should include that information.
Edited sentence: This shows there were two plane crashes between two planes and the aircraft was a failure.
Even if they builded a new and better plane craft, the FAA grounded the 737 planes.
*** Remove the “ed” in “builded.” Add “has” before “grounded.” Who is “they”?
Edited sentence: Even if a new and better aircraft is built, the FAA has grounded the 737 planes.
" Although the software is being expertly developed, the FAA has grounded all Boeing 737 MAX planes, for the time being."
*** Remove the extra space after the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: “Although the software is being expertly developed, the FAA has grounded all Boeing 737 MAX planes, for the time being.”
This shows how the 737 plane is grounded because of the accident that happened with the two planes, the FAA doesn't trust the 737 planes anymore.
*** “how” is not needed. Add “and” before “the FAA.” “accident” should have an “s” at the end because there were two accidents. “737 plane” should also have an “s” at the end because there are multiple 737 planes.
Edited sentence: This shows the 737 planes are grounded because of the accidents that happened with the two planes, and the FAA doesn’t trust the 737 planes anymore.
This is all about the 737 planes being grounded because of the accident that happened with the two planes.
*** “accident” should have an “s” at the end because there were two accidents.
Edited sentence: This is all about the 737 planes being grounded because of the accidents that happened with the two planes.
*** Please add the source so that the quotes can be checked. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Make sure the space comes before the first quotation mark, not after the first quotation mark. Avoid first person point of view (“our”) and use third person point of view instead.
Fully edited article:
Boeing Planes Are Grounded – Literally
There are many tools in a person’s life that they need, like technology, but while some technologies are good and work well with no problem, other technologies are not as trustworthy. “Two aviation accidents occurred that involved the same type of aircraft: a 737 MAX 8.” This shows there were two plane crashes between two planes and the aircraft was a failure. Even if a new and better aircraft is built, the FAA has grounded the 737 planes. “Although the software is being expertly developed, the FAA has grounded all Boeing 737 MAX planes, for the time being.” This shows the 737 planes are grounded because of the accidents that happened with the two planes, and the FAA doesn’t trust the 737 planes anymore. This is all about the 737 planes being grounded because of the accidents that happened with the two planes.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Planet Shields in Outer Space.
Astronomers have found out that our planet is protected by Jupiter ,Jupiter helps protect us from the meteors from outer space,unlike other planets, they don't have a"sling shot" that can help protect our planet."Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have led to the destruction of the earth."This shows how Jupiter helps the earth from getting destroyed by protecting earth." So far, they have determined that planets such as ours, can "slingshot" meteors, comets, and asteroids from their orbit to smaller rocky planets."This shows how planet earth is different from other planets, earth has a"sling shot "that can protect the earth from getting destroyed.This is all about the earths shields in space.
Planet Shields in Outer Space.
*** Title does not need a period.
Edited title: Planet Shields in Outer Space
Astronomers have found out that our planet is protected by Jupiter ,Jupiter helps protect us from the meteors from outer space,unlike other planets, they don't have a"sling shot" that can help protect our planet.
*** Avoid first person point of view (“our”). Use third person point of view instead. Make sure there is a space after a comma, not before a comma. Make sure that quotes are written correctly.
Edited sentence: Astronomers have found out that Jupiter helps protect the Earth from meteors from outer space and unlike Jupiter, other planets don’t have a “slingshot” that can help protect the Earth.
"Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have led to the destruction of the earth."
*** Good, although it would be better to state who is saying this quote.
This shows how Jupiter helps the earth from getting destroyed by protecting earth.
*** Good.
"So far, they have determined that planets such as ours, can "slingshot" meteors, comets, and asteroids from their orbit to smaller rocky planets."
*** “slingshot” should have single quotation marks — ‘slingshot’ — if this is quoting a sentence from the source that contains another quote.
Edited sentence: “So far, they have determined that planets such as ours, can ‘slingshot’ meteors, comets, and asteroids from their orbit to smaller rocky planets.”
This shows how planet earth is different from other planets, earth has a"sling shot "that can protect the earth from getting destroyed.
*** Make sure the quote is written correctly and that the quotation marks are in the right place. “slingshot” should be spelled as one word.
Edited sentence: Earth is different from other planets because Earth has a “slingshot” that can protect the Earth from getting destroyed.
This is all about the earths shields in space.
*** “Earth” should be capitalized because this sentence is referring to the name of a planet. There should also be an ‘s after “Earth.”
Edited sentence: This article is all about the Earth’s shields in space.
*** Please put a space before the quotation mark at the beginning of a quote and after the quotation mark at the end of a quote. Otherwise, it is unclear where a quote starts and ends. Additionally, make sure that quotes are written correctly. Provide the source so that the quotes can be checked. Make sure that proper nouns (the name of a planet, for example) are capitalized.
Fully edited article:
Planet Shields in Outer Space
Astronomers have found out that Jupiter helps protect the Earth from meteors from outer space and unlike Jupiter, other planets don’t have a “slingshot” that can help protect the Earth. "Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have led to the destruction of the earth." This shows how Jupiter helps the earth from getting destroyed by protecting earth. “So far, they have determined that planets such as ours, can ‘slingshot’ meteors, comets, and asteroids from their orbit to smaller rocky planets.” Earth is different from other planets because Earth has a “slingshot” that can protect the Earth from getting destroyed. This article is all about the Earth’s shields in space.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Bathing and Sleep
If you take a bath and go to bed, you will sleep 10 times faster than you normally would sleep.If you take a shower, your body temperature will cool down which helps you sleep faster.Bathing can help you body feel cool, so when you go to sleep ,your body will not be hot or cold.This helps you body feel comfortable which helps you sleep.This is all about bathing and sleeping.
Bathing and Sleep
If you take a bath and go to bed, you will sleep 10 times faster than you normally would sleep.
*** Avoid using the second person point of view (“you”). Use third person point of view instead. Add a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Remove the extra space before “sleep” at the end of this sentence.
Edited sentence: If a person takes a bath and goes to bed, they will sleep 10 times faster than they normally would sleep.
If you take a shower, your body temperature will cool down which helps you sleep faster.
*** This is good, but again, avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view instead. Third person point of view does not use “you.” It is important to tell the reader when they should shower to go to sleep faster, so I added “before going to bed” at the beginning of this sentence.
Edited sentence: If a person takes a shower before going to bed, their body temperature will cool down which helps them sleep faster.
Bathing can help you body feel cool, so when you go to sleep ,your body will not be hot or cold.
*** Avoid using the second person point of view (“you”). Use third person point of view instead. There is an extra space before the second comma.
Edited sentence: Bathing can help the body feel cool, so when a person goes to sleep, their body will not be too hot or cold.
This helps you body feel comfortable which helps you sleep.
*** Avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view instead.
Edited sentence: This helps the body feel comfortable which helps a person sleep.
This is all about bathing and sleeping.
*** This sentence is okay, but you could add more detail. For example, does this article recommend that people shower before they sleep?
*** Overall, avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view instead. Third person point of view does not use “you.” Remove any extra spaces in your sentences. Remember that the article summary should have six sentences.
Fully edited article:
Bathing and Sleep
If a person takes a bath and goes to bed, they will sleep 10 times faster than they normally would sleep. If a person takes a shower before going to bed, their body temperature will cool down which helps them sleep faster. Bathing can help the body feel cool, so when a person goes to sleep, their body will not be too hot or cold. This helps the body feel comfortable which helps a person sleep. This is all about bathing and sleeping.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Seabirds Next Meal
Since there are a lot of plastics in the sea that sea birds eat , it can lead them to death because plastics have something in them that can harm the sea birds.And at night, sea birds go hunt for food to feed their young's and when it goes in the mouth of the young's ,it can cause high cholesterol levels which is bad for the baby bird and the adult sea birds.These plastics can effect their kidney by spreading uric acids.
Seabirds Next Meal
- “Seabirds” would be written as Seabirds’ if more than one bird is discussed here. Or Seabird’s if only one bird is discussed here. The apostrophe is needed to indicate that the meal belongs to the seabirds.
Edited title: Seabirds’ Next Meal
Since there are a lot of plastics in the sea that sea birds eat , it can lead them to death because plastics have something in them that can harm the sea birds.
- No space is needed between “sea” and “bird” because seabird is one word. Put a space after the comma, not before the comma. What is the “something”? I would split this sentence in two to help fit the six sentence structure.
Edited sentence: There are a lot of plastics in the sea that seabirds eat. It can lead them to death because plastics have chemicals that can harm the seabirds.
And at night, sea birds go hunt for food to feed their young's and when it goes in the mouth of the young's ,it can cause high cholesterol levels which is bad for the baby bird and the adult sea birds.
- The ‘s after “young” is not needed. I would split this sentence into three to help fit the six sentence structure. What is “it”?
Edited sentence: And at night, seabirds go hunting for food to feed their young. When plastic goes in the mouths of the young, it can cause high cholesterol levels. This is bad for the baby birds and the adult seabirds.
These plastics can effect their kidney by spreading uric acids.
- “effect” should be spelled as “affect.” “affect” is a verb while “effect” is usually a noun. “Kidney” should be plural. “increasing” would be a more accurate term to use than “spreading.”
Edited sentence: These plastics can affect their kidneys by increasing uric acid production.
- Remember to follow the six sentence structure and provide the source. Make sure there is a space after commas, not before commas. When possible, use specific names of objects instead of words like “something” or “it.” More information could be added toward the end of this paragraph. How does an increase in uric acid affect the seabirds?
Fully edited article:
Seabirds’ Next Meal
There are a lot of plastics in the sea that seabirds eat. It can lead them to death because plastics have chemicals that can harm the seabirds. And at night, seabirds go hunting for food to feed their young. When plastic goes in the mouths of the young, it can cause high cholesterol levels. This is bad for the baby birds and the adult seabirds. These plastics can affect their kidneys by increasing uric acid production.
Original article:
Seabirds Next Meal Since there are a lot of plastics in the sea that sea birds eat , it can lead them to death because plastics have something in them that can harm the sea birds.And at night, sea birds go hunt for food to feed their young's and when it goes in the mouth of the young's ,it can cause high cholesterol levels which is bad for the baby bird and the adult sea birds.These plastics can effect their kidney by spreading uric acids.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Robot Surgeons: Science Fiction Made Reality
These robots are used in hospitals, they can be helpful or dangerous ,one way they are useful is that they know how to make a perfect cut ,tie things, sew needles in a surgery and more.One thing that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision even in a soft tissue surgery.They can get mixed up on were the organs are.Now if these people keep on working in the robots, maybe soon you will see robots at work in an hospital.
Robot Surgeons: Science Fiction Made Reality
These robots are used in hospitals, they can be helpful or dangerous ,one way they are useful is that they know how to make a perfect cut ,tie things, sew needles in a surgery and more.
- You can include more information. For example, do these robots have a name? Remember to put a space after the comma, not before the comma. “one way” should be changed since you list more than one way that robots are useful. Avoid using “things” and instead state what object is being tied. I would split this sentence into two to help fit the six sentence structure.
Edited sentence: Robots used in hospitals can be helpful or dangerous. Some ways they are useful are that they know how to make a perfect cut, tie strings, sew, and more during a surgery.
One thing that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision even in a soft tissue surgery.
- Again, avoid using “thing.” I would move “in a soft tissue surgery” to the next sentence.
Edited sentence: One feature that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision.
They can get mixed up on were the organs are.
- “were” should be spelled as “where.” I combined this sentence with “in a soft tissue surgery” from the previous sentence. “confused” would be a more formal word to use than “mixed up” for a news article.
Edited sentence: In a soft tissue surgery, they can get confused on where the organs are.
Now if these people keep on working in the robots, maybe soon you will see robots at work in an hospital.
- Avoid the second person point of view (you). Use the third person point of view. Identify who “these people” are. Are they doctors? “in” should be “on.” “an” should be “a” because “hospital” starts with a consonant. “an” is used before words beginning with a vowel.
Edited sentence: Now if people keep working on the robots, patients may soon see robots at work in a hospital.
- Please provide the source. Remember that the paragraph needs to have six sentences. Avoid using the word “thing” and instead, name what the “thing” is.
Fully edited article:
Robot Surgeons: Science Fiction Made Reality
Robots used in hospitals can be helpful or dangerous. Some ways they are useful are that they know how to make a perfect cut, tie strings, sew, and more during a surgery. One feature that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision. In a soft tissue surgery, they can get confused on where the organs are. Now if people keep working on the robots, patients may soon see robots at work in a hospital.
Original article:
Robot Surgeons: Science Fiction Made Reality These robots are used in hospitals, they can be helpful or dangerous ,one way they are useful is that they know how to make a perfect cut ,tie things, sew needles in a surgery and more.One thing that is dangerous about these robots is that they have bad vision even in a soft tissue surgery.They can get mixed up on were the organs are.Now if these people keep on working in the robots, maybe soon you will see robots at work in an hospital.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Zero: Odd or Even Number
Some people wonder if 0 is an odd or even number, but an odd number is when there is a remaining number when you divided it by 2 and an even number can go into the number 2.A whole numbers are numbers with no remaining numbers, so 0 is an whole number and an whole integer.So when you do 2 divide by 0, you will get a whole number that isn't a fraction or a decimal,2 divided by 0 is 0, a whole number or integer.
Zero: Odd or Even Number
- This title is the same as the title of an article on the main page of the Good to Know website: http://theworldforfreedom.com/Main_Page. You must create your own title.
Some people wonder if 0 is an odd or even number, but an odd number is when there is a remaining number when you divided it by 2 and an even number can go into the number 2.
- This is a pretty lengthy sentence and the amount of detail in it may confuse the reader. I split this sentence into three for two reasons: this helps the reader understand the information more easily and this helps the article fit into the six sentence structure. For a news article, numbers should be spelled out — “0” should be spelled out as “zero.”
Edited sentence: Some people wonder if zero is an odd or even number. When an odd number is divided by two, there is a remaining number. But an even number divided by two does not have a remaining number.
A whole numbers are numbers with no remaining numbers, so 0 is an whole number and an whole integer.
- Because you are talking about more than one “whole number,” the “A” at the beginning of the sentence is not needed. “an” is used before vowels — “a,e,i,o,u” — so “an” should be replaced by “a.” “a” is used before consonants, such as the “w” in “whole.”
Edited sentence: Whole numbers have no remaining numbers, so zero is a whole number and a whole integer.
So when you do 2 divide by 0, you will get a whole number that isn't a fraction or a decimal,2 divided by 0 is 0, a whole number or integer.
- I split this sentence into two to fit the six sentence structure. The concluding sentence should answer the question that was asked in the first sentence — whether zero is odd or even. I moved the sentence beginning with “When two is divided by zero…” after the third sentence in the fully edited article below.
Edited sentence: When two is divided by zero, the result is a whole number that is not a fraction or a decimal. Two divided by zero equals zero, a whole number or integer, which means that zero is an even number.
- You must create your own title. If you use information from a source written by someone else, you must provide the source (in this case, the URL). Otherwise this is considered plagiarism. Lengthy sentences should be split up into smaller sentences. This makes it easier for the reader to understand the information at their own pace. If your article states a question at the beginning, the rest of the article should state the answer clearly.
Fully edited article:
Zero: Odd or Even Number
Some people wonder if zero is an odd or even number. When an odd number is divided by two, there is a remaining number. But an even number divided by two does not have a remaining number. When two is divided by zero, the result is a whole number that is not a fraction or a decimal. Whole numbers have no remaining numbers, so zero is a whole number and a whole integer. Two divided by zero equals zero, a whole number or integer, which means that zero is an even number.
Original article:
Zero: Odd or Even Number Some people wonder if 0 is an odd or even number, but an odd number is when there is a remaining number when you divided it by 2 and an even number can go into the number 2.A whole numbers are numbers with no remaining numbers, so 0 is an whole number and an whole integer.So when you do 2 divide by 0, you will get a whole number that isn't a fraction or a decimal,2 divided by 0 is 0, a whole number or integer.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The Disappearance of the Megalodon
These kinds of sharks use to be the ruler of all seas cause they were very powerful and there was no animal that can harm it.But now they are extinct because they are not able to feed themselves cause of the population of fishes.These kind of sharks were alive back 2.6 million years ago, this animal can eat 500 pounds of food a day!Now they are dead but there can be a chance that these animals can be still alive because there was one fish that had been known to be extinct, but than was proven to be still alive.This is all about the Megalodon.
The Disappearance of the Megalodon
- Good title.
These kinds of sharks use to be the ruler of all seas cause they were very powerful and there was no animal that can harm it.
- Make sure that the verb tense is consistent. Since this sentence is describing action that happened in the past, the verbs should be in past tense — “use” should be “used”; “was” should be “were”; “can” should be “could.” To keep the article formal, “cause” should be written out as “because.”
Edited sentence: Megalodons used to be the rulers of all seas because they were very powerful and there were no other animals that could harm it.
But now they are extinct because they are not able to feed themselves cause of the population of fishes.
- Again, “cause” should be written out as “because,” but I removed this so that the word “because” does not become too repetitive. “But now they are extinct” has the correct tense because this part of the sentence is describing the present. However, the next part of the sentence should be in past tense because it is describing the past. This sentence should also tell what happened to the fish population to explain the megalodon’s inability to feed itself.
Edited sentence: But now they are extinct because they were unable to feed themselves due to a reduction in fish population.
These kind of sharks were alive back 2.6 million years ago, this animal can eat 500 pounds of food a day!
- I edited this sentence for better flow. Again, make sure the verb tense is correct — “can” should be written as “could.” I also moved this sentence after the first sentence because they both describe the Megalodon when it was alive before moving on to its extinction.
Edited sentence: When these sharks were alive 2.6 million years ago, these animals could eat 500 pounds of food a day!
Now they are dead but there can be a chance that these animals can be still alive because there was one fish that had been known to be extinct, but than was proven to be still alive.
- I removed “Now they are dead” because this has already been stated in the second sentence. I split this sentence into two so that the article would fit the six sentence structure. “than” is used to compare objects; “then” refers to time. The reader may want to know what that “one fish” is, so you should identify it.
Edited sentence: There is a chance that these animals might still be alive. One fish was believed to be extinct, but then was proven to be alive.
This is all about the Megalodon.
- This sentence could have more detail. For example, you could summarize the facts in the article or you could describe the impact of studying the megalodon.
Edited sentence: Because of its size and power, the Megalodon continues to be a subject of interest.
- You must provide the source. Put a space after the period at the end of each sentence. Make sure to use the correct verb tense in your sentences — is the event or action you are describing occurring in the present, the past, or the future? Also remember to have six sentences in your article.
Fully edited article:
The Disappearance of the Megalodon
Megalodons used to be the rulers of all seas because they were very powerful and there were no other animals that could harm it. When these sharks were alive 2.6 million years ago, these animals could eat 500 pounds of food a day! But now they are extinct because they were unable to feed themselves due to a reduction in fish population. There is a chance that these animals might still be alive. One fish was believed to be extinct, but then was proven to be alive. Because of its size and power, the Megalodon continues to be a subject of interest.
Original article:
The Disappearance of the Megalodon
These kinds of sharks use to be the ruler of all seas cause they were very powerful and there was no animal that can harm it.But now they are extinct because they are not able to feed themselves cause of the population of fishes.These kind of sharks were alive back 2.6 million years ago, this animal can eat 500 pounds of food a day!Now they are dead but there can be a chance that these animals can be still alive because there was one fish that had been known to be extinct, but than was proven to be still alive.This is all about the Megalodon.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Exercising fathers can help benefit their children future
If men's are healthy,this can help benefit their kids. Scientists made an experiment by using two different mouses and give them different diet, one will die and the others won't exercise and the results came that the mouse who exercised how to healthier children than the ones who didn't exercise. Exercising can help the genetics of the father's sperm which benefits through the health of the father's children. This is all about how exercising father helps benefit the health of their children.
Exercising fathers can help benefit their children future
- Make sure to capitalize each word in the title except for particles such as “the” or “of.” “help” and “benefit” have similar meanings, so I removed “help.” I rearranged the words in the title so that it does not repeat the information in the first sentence.
Edited title: Fathers Who Exercise Can Benefit Their Children’s Future
If men's are healthy,this can help benefit their kids.
- “men’s” does not need ‘s, unless this word is describing something about men or something that men have. “help” and “benefit” have similar meanings, so I removed “help.”
Edited sentence: If men are healthy, this can benefit their kids.
Scientists made an experiment by using two different mouses and give them different diet, one will die and the others won't exercise and the results came that the mouse who exercised how to healthier children than the ones who didn't exercise.
- “mouses” should be written as “mice.” “different” is used twice in the same sentence so I removed the first one so that the sentence would not sound repetitive. Explain the difference between the diets. Make sure that the verb tense is consistent. I edited this sentence for better flow, but I need the source to make sure that the information is correct. I also split this sentence into three to help the article fit the six sentence structure.
Edited sentence: Scientists made an experiment by using two groups of mice and giving each a different diet. One group exercised while the other did not. The results showed that the mice that exercised had healthier children than the mice that did not exercise.
Exercising can help the genetics of the father's sperm which benefits through the health of the father's children.
- “through” is not needed in this sentence.
Edited sentence: Exercising can help the genetics of the father’s sperm which benefits the health of the father’s children.
This is all about how exercising father helps benefit the health of their children.
- The last sentence repeats information that has already been stated in previous sentences. For this sentence, I suggest explaining what benefits the father’s children will have as a result of the father exercising.
Edited sentence: This shows how fathers who exercise can improve the health of their children.
- You must include the source that you used for this article so that I can check it. Make sure that your article fits the six sentence structure. Try reading your sentences out loud after you write them. This can help you find any mistakes or find ways to improve your sentences. Also try not to repeat information that has already been stated in your article.
Fully edited article:
Fathers Who Exercise Can Benefit Their Children’s Future
If men are healthy, this can benefit their kids. Scientists made an experiment by using two groups of mice and giving each a different diet. One group exercised while the other did not. The results showed that the mice that exercised had healthier children than the mice that did not exercise. Exercising can help the genetics of the father’s sperm which benefits the health of the father’s children. This shows how fathers who exercise can improve the health of their children.
Original article:
Exercising fathers can help benefit their children future
If men's are healthy,this can help benefit their kids. Scientists made an experiment by using two different mouses and give them different diet, one will die and the others won't exercise and the results came that the mouse who exercised how to healthier children than the ones who didn't exercise. Exercising can help the genetics of the father's sperm which benefits through the health of the father's children. This is all about how exercising father helps benefit the health of their children.
Edited by Penny Yagake
