Thsh's Writing Page 8 Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids

These are two of the games that I seem that might be fun. One of them is the monopoly game board. I recommend this because it shows you how you can earn money and negotiate with people . In the text it states "Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management". Another game that i assume that is fun is the lego kit. This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos". To conclude these are the two activities I think are fun and the best choice for kids.

Original Version: 

8 Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids

These are two of the games that I seem that might be fun. One of them is the monopoly game board. I recommend this because it shows you how you can earn money and negotiate with people . In the text it states "Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management". Another game that i assume that is fun is the lego kit. This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos". To conclude these are the two activities I think are fun and the best choice for kids.

Corrections:

There are two games that seem like they might be fun to play indoors.

      • Remember to write in 3rd person, which means you can’t use “I.” Also, I replaced “that” with “they” as you are referring to two things. I also took out “these are” to make the sentence flow better.


One game is the monopoly game board. Monopoly is a good game to play as it teaches you how how to earn money and negotiate with people.

      • I replaced “them” with “game” to make it more specific. I eliminated the “I” as it needs to be written in the third person. I started the next sentence with “Monopoly is a good game to play” as it more clearly states your point. I also replaced “shows” with “teaches” as the word choice better fits the context of the sentence. Lastly, I eliminated the extra space at the end of the sentence after “people.”


In the text, it states, “Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management.”

      • Remember that periods go inside the quotation marks.


Another game that is fun to play is the Lego Kit.

      • I deleted the “I” to make the sentence into the third person. I also deleted “assume,” to make the sentence more strongly worded. “Lego Kit” also needs to be capitalized as it is a brand name.


This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition, the text states, "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos."

      • After an introductory phrase like “In addition,” it needs a comma after it. Also, remember that periods go inside quotation marks at the end of a sentence.


In conclusion, these two games are the best choices for kids to play inside as they are fun.

      • I replaced “to” with “in” and added a comma after “conclusion” to improve the phrasing of the sentence. I eliminated the “I” to make it into 3rd person. Lastly, I rephrased the sentence to improve the flow.


Fully Edited Version: Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids

Two games seem like they might be fun to play indoors. One game is the monopoly game board. Monopoly is a good game to play as it teaches you how how to earn money and negotiate with people. In the text, it states, “Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management.” Another game that is fun to play is the Lego Kit. This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition, the text states, "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos." In conclusion, these two games are the best choices for kids to play inside as they are fun.

Overall, great work! Just remember to write in the third person and put periods inside quotation marks at the end of sentences.

Edited by Hayley Taylor


Olympic Postponed - March 24

The reason the Summer Olympics games will be postponed is because of this virus around called the corona virus. In the text it states "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo , Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic". To conclude this shows the reason why the Sumer Olympic Games will be postponed.

Original Version:

The reason the Summer Olympics Games will be postponed is because of this virus around called the corona virus. In the text it states "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo , Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic". To conclude this shows the reason why the Sumer Olympic Games will be postponed.

Corrections:

The Summer Olympic Games will be postponed because of the coronavirus.


      • When following the phrase “Summer Olympics” with “Games,” the word “Olympic” should be singular. I also fixed the spelling of “coronavirus” which should be one word. Lastly, I deleted the words “around called” as it didn’t make sense with the structure of the sentence.


In the text, it states, "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic.”

      • “In the text” is an introductory phrase, so it needs a comma after it. The same goes for “it states.” Also, make sure to put periods inside the quote, not outside.


To conclude, the text identifies the reason for the postponement of the Sumer Olympic Games.

      • “To conclude” is an introductory phrase, so it needs a comma after it. I also rephrased the sentence to change it from passive to active voice. Active voice can provide more clarity to the reader, as the subject performs the action of the clause when in active voice.

Final Version:

The Summer Olympic Games will be postponed because of the coronavirus. In the text, it states, "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic.” To conclude, the text identifies the reason for the postponement of the Sumer Olympic Games.

Great job! Make sure to proofread your sentences for spelling errors, and to use correct punctuation.

Edited by Hayley Taylor