Editor Kayla Andry's Edit Page
Sion
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Bottle Cap Challenge
The latest to join the eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge. -Changed "this" to "the" to make it more general; The latest to join this eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge.
This challenge requires the challenger to take off the cap with a roundhouse kick.
In late June 2019, Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin started the challenge, and American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July. -Rephrased the sentence to make it a little less confusing. Before, the wording made it seem like the two events were flipped---John Mayer did the challenge first and then Davletchin created it. I changed some wording to clarify the chronological order of the challenge; Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin in late June 2019, started the challenge after American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July.
The challengers show off their talent through Instagram, YouTube, and other social media sites.
An extreme, cool challenge was “German automobile manufacturer BMW, used the challenge to showcase their vehicles and the driving skills of the company's head instructor Claudia Hürtgen.” -Deleted this sentence. Please don't directly quote from the source article.
This challenge is dangerous, yet exciting.
Bottle Cap Challenge (completely edited article) The latest to join the eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge. This challenge requires the challenger to take off the cap with a roundhouse kick. In late June 2019, Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin started the challenge, and American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July. The challengers show off their talent through Instagram, YouTube, and other social media sites. This challenge is dangerous, yet exciting.
Bottle Cap Challenge (unedited article) The latest to join this eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge. This challenge requires the challenger to take off the cap with a roundhouse kick. Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin in late June 2019, started the challenge after American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July. The challengers show off their talent through Instagram, YouTube, and other social media sites. An extreme, cool challenge was “German automobile manufacturer BMW, used the challenge to showcase their vehicles and the driving skills of the company's head instructor Claudia Hürtgen.” This challenge is dangerous, yet exciting.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/8/7/the-bottle-cap-challenge-is-taking-the-internet-by-storm —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Informative Dinosaur Egg Fossils
Newly discovered dinosaur egg fossils have given researchers information about how the dinosaurs looked and acted. -Added “newly discovered...have given researchers” to provide more context for the reader; The dinosaur egg fossils gave information about how the dinosaur looked and acted.
For example, groups of fossilized eggs found in Mongolia showed how dinosaurs cared for their young. -Removed “when” and the semicolon for clarity and coherence; For example, when groups of fossilized eggs were found in Mongolia; it showed how dinosaurs cared for the young.
More information showed that dinosaurs were born and nurtured in colonies. -Changed “would be” to “were.” Because you’re describing a past occurrence, the past tense is a better fit here. -Changed “nurtured and born” to “born and nurtured.” The dinosaurs were born first and then nurtured, so I changed the phrasing to reflect that; More information showed that dinosaurs would be nurtured and born in colonies.
Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs took care of their babies as a bunch, not individually. -Changed “take” to “took” to keep the past tense consistent; Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs take care of their babies as a bunch, not individually.
The babies were strong enough to support themselves right after they hatched. -Deleted “dinosaurs.” -Changed “are” to “were.” Be careful to watch your tenses; The dinosaurs' babies are strong enough to support themselves right after they hatch.
There is much information we can learn through these fossils. -Changed the wording of the sentence. This is to emphasize the fact that the researchers are learning more about the dinosaurs because of these fossils, not just learning about the fossils themselves; There is much information about these fossils we can learn about.
Informative Dinosaur Egg Fossils (completely edited article) Newly discovered dinosaur egg fossils have given researchers information about how the dinosaurs looked and acted. For example, groups of fossilized eggs found in Mongolia showed how dinosaurs cared for their young. More information showed that dinosaurs were born and nurtured in colonies. Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs took care of their babies as a bunch, not individually. The babies were strong enough to support themselves right after they hatched. There is much information we can learn through these fossils.
Informative Dinosaur Egg Fossils (unedited article) The dinosaur egg fossils gave information about how the dinosaur looked and acted. For example, when groups of fossilized eggs were found in Mongolia; it showed how dinosaurs cared for the young. More information showed that dinosaurs would be nurtured and born in colonies. Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs take care of their babies as a bunch, not individually. The dinosaurs' babies are strong enough to support themselves right after they hatch. There is much information about these fossils we can learn about.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/dinosaur-eggs-and-parental-behavior/ ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Big—no—Giant Parrot! -An em dash is the right punctuation to use here for this type of phrase; Big...no...Giant Parrot!
There are many kinds of parrots and among them is Kakapo, the heaviest parrot.
However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight: the Squawkzilla. -Replaced the comma with a colon. A colon adds emphasis; However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight, it is the Squawkzilla.
The Squawkzilla, now extinct, was two times the weight of the Kakapo. -Added "now extinct, was" to indicate to the reader that Squawkzilla does not exist anymore; The Squawkzilla is two times the weight of the Kakapo.
Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle based on their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different. -Changed "from" to "based on." "Based on" is a more detailed way to describe how the scientists came to believe the parrot was an eagle; The Squawkzilla is two times the weight of the Kakapo. Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle from their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different.
With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla could not fly or climb. -Changed "cannot" to "could not." Because Squawkzilla is extinct, it should be referred to in the past tense; With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla cannot fly or climb.
More information is being gathered so we can get accurate information about it. -"Searched" isn't quite the best word to use here. It implies that the scientists are looking for something. "Gathered" describes the process of collecting information that the scientists are undergoing; More information is being searched, and so we can get accurate information about it.
Big—no—Giant Parrot! (completely edited article) There are many kinds of parrots and among them is Kakapo, the heaviest parrot. However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight: the Squawkzilla. The Squawkzilla, now extinct, was two times the weight of the Kakapo. Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle based on their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different. With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla could not fly or climb. More information is being gathered so we can get accurate information about it.
Big...no...Giant Parrot! (unedited article) There are many kinds of parrots and among them is Kakapo, the heaviest parrot. However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight, it is the Squawkzilla. The Squawkzilla is two times the weight of the Kakapo. Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle from their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different. With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla cannot fly or climb. More information is being searched, and so we can get accurate information about it.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2019/08/fossils-15-pound-parrot-found-new-zealand-kakapo/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Fornite World Cup Challenge
From July 26 to July 28, 2019, New York's Arthur Ashe Stadium hosted the biggest video game competition of all time.
The Fortnite event was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online. -Added "Fortnite" for context as to what the video game was; The event, was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online.
The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, was comprised of four tournaments. -Rephrased "comprised" to "was comprised of"; The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, comprised four different tournaments.
Team Fish Fam won the top prize in the Creative Finals tournament.
Underdogs Emil “Nyhrox” Bergquist Pedersen and David “Aqua” Wang were the winners of the duos championship.
Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf was the champion, winning all six games.
This World Cup was exciting and thrilling. -Great article!
Thank you! -Sion (Sija)
Fortnite World Cup Challenge (completely edited article) From July 26 to July 28, 2019, New York's Arthur Ashe Stadium hosted the biggest video game competition of all time. The Fortnite event was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online. The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, was comprised of four tournaments. Team Fish Fam won the top prize in the Creative Finals tournament. Underdogs Emil “Nyhrox” Bergquist Pedersen and David “Aqua” Wang were the winners of the duos championship. Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf was the champion, winning all six games. This World Cup was exciting and thrilling.
Fornite World Cup Challenge (unedited article) From July 26 to July 28, 2019, New York's Arthur Ashe Stadium hosted the biggest video game competition of all time. The event, was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online. The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, comprised four different tournaments. Team Fish Fam won the top prize in the Creative Finals tournament. Underdogs Emil “Nyhrox” Bergquist Pedersen and David “Aqua” Wang were the winners of the duos championship. Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf was the champion, winning all six games. This World Cup was exciting and thrilling.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— The Wolf Children
After World War 2, many surviving children in East Prussia suffered. -Rephrased the sentence to provide more context for the reader (not just children, but children in East Prussia). -Switched the phrase “suffered from surviving” to “surviving children in East Prussia suffered”; After World War 2, many children suffered from surviving. They had to live without their parents.
They had to search through the woods for food just like wolves.
It was difficult for the children to return to their families, so they all split up and went other ways.
The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: hiding, working in harsh conditions, and receiving little education. -Rephrased to put “hiding” at the beginning of the sentence for clarity. It also helps improve the logical flow of the sentence. -Changed “having little education” to “receiving little education.” “Receiving” is more clear about the fact that the children weren’t being taught, and didn’t get regular schooling; The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: working in harsh conditions, having little education and hiding.
Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children; so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them. -Added a semicolon to separate the two independent clauses within this sentence; Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children, so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
The Wolf Children (completely edited article) After World War 2, many surviving children in East Prussia suffered. They had to live without their parents. They had to search through the woods for food just like wolves. It was difficult for the children to return to their families, so they all split up and went other ways. The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: hiding, working in harsh conditions, and receiving little education. Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children; so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
The Wolf Children (unedited article) After World War 2, many children suffered from surviving. They had to live without their parents. They had to search through the woods for food just like wolves. It was difficult for the children to return to their families, so they all split up and went other ways. The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: working in harsh conditions, having little education and hiding. Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children, so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/2019/07/forgotten-wolf-children-world-war-ii/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Big Jellyfish caught on camera
BBC Earth host Lizzie Daly and underwater photographer Dan Abbott took pictures of amazing marine animals.
Abbott, who took the picture of the Barrel Jellyfish, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width. -Rephrased the sentence to add more information. Clarified that the picture is of the Barrel Jellyfish and that Abbot is the one who took the picture and described its size; They took this , who took this picture, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width.
A few days later, Cornwall resident Harry Chenoweth and his brother Jago saw this creature.
The Barrel Jellyfish spends most of its time in the open sea. -Rephrased fix some small grammar issues. Because the Barrel Jellyfish is now introduced as the creature earlier in the paragraph, “this creature” is not needed here. -Rephrased “spends time in the open sea” to “spends most of its time in the open sea.” “Most” adds specificity; This creature, Barrel Jellyfish, spends time in the open sea.
Their main food source, plankton, is in abundance. -Added “plankton” to specify what their food source is; Their main food source is in abundance.
Luckily, the jellyfish are too weak to harm humans. -Added “jellyfish” to clarify that you are not talking about the plankton; Luckily, they are too weak to harm humans.
Big Jellyfish Caught on Camera (completely edited article) BBC Earth host Lizzie Daly and underwater photographer Dan Abbott took pictures of amazing marine animals. Abbott, who took the picture of the Barrel Jellyfish, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width. A few days later, Cornwall resident Harry Chenoweth and his brother Jago saw the jellyfish. The Barrel Jellyfish spends most of their time in the open sea. Their main food source, plankton, is in abundance. Luckily, they are too weak to harm humans.
Big Jellyfish caught on camera (unedited article) BBC Earth host Lizzie Daly and underwater photographer Dan Abbott took pictures of amazing marine animals. They took this , who took this picture, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width. A few days later, Cornwall resident Harry Chenoweth and his brother Jago saw this creature. This creature, Barrel Jellyfish, spends time in the open sea. Their main food source is in abundance. Luckily, they are too weak to harm humans.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/7/23/massive-barrel-jellyfish-caught-on-camera-off-english-coast
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Noctilucent Clouds
Noctilucent clouds are very unique clouds.
They have a blue color because they are near the ozone layer (in the stratosphere); these clouds absorb red light and release blue light. -Removed "on them" because it is not necessary here. -Added "in the stratosphere." This is just to provide context for the reader that the ozone layer is located in the stratosphere; They have a blue color on them because they are near the ozone layer(stratosphere); these clouds absorb the red light and release the blue light.
Typically, clouds should be in the mesosphere; however, as of 2002, clouds are coming closer to the Earth. -Great sentence!
Furthermore, the ripples on the clouds are called, “atmospheric gravity waves.” -Please rephrase this sentence to not include a direct quote from the article.
These clouds can appear visible.
To conclude, Noctilucent clouds are rare clouds you won’t be able to see every day.
Noctilucent Clouds (completely edited article) Noctilucent clouds are very unique clouds. They have a blue color because they are near the ozone layer (in the stratosphere); these clouds absorb red light and release blue light. Typically, clouds should be in the mesosphere; however, as of 2002, clouds are coming closer to the Earth. Furthermore, the ripples on the clouds are called, “atmospheric gravity waves.” These clouds can appear visible. To conclude, Noctilucent clouds are rare clouds you won’t be able to see every day.
Noctilucent Clouds (unedited article) Noctilucent clouds are very unique clouds. They have a blue color on them because they are near the ozone layer(stratosphere); these clouds absorb the red light and release the blue light. Typically, clouds should be in the mesosphere; however, as of 2002, clouds are coming closer to the Earth. Furthermore, the ripples on the clouds are called, “atmospheric gravity waves.” These clouds can appear visible. To conclude, Noctilucent clouds are rare clouds you won’t be able to see every day.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/blue-noctilucent-clouds/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Sleeping is important
-Capitalized all words in the title (like a news headline); Sleeping is important.
Sleeping helps you in many ways. -Changed “will help” to “helps.” This changes the sentence from passive to active (“helps” is an active verb). -Changed “with” to “in”; Sleeping will help you with many ways.
First of all, sleep helps with restoration.
Sleep cleans out the metabolic waste in the brain. -Rephrased the sentence. By putting “metabolic waste” first, it makes it a little more clear that the waste is located inside of the brain and is being removed; Sleep cleans out the brain such as metabolic wastes.
It also shrinks 60 percent of your brain cells. -Rephrased the sentence and make “it” (referring to “sleep”) the subject. This avoids using “brain” twice in the same sentence; The brain shrinks 60 percent of your brain cells.
Soon, when you wake up, your brain will be cleared and refreshed.
Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation.
This maintains and strengthens your long-term memories. -Changed “It” to “This” to make it more clear that you are talking about the process of consolidation; Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation.
Not only that, sleeping can help prevent muscle loss and fat gain.
Therefore, we should sleep a lot.
Sleeping Is Important (completely edited article) Sleeping helps you in many ways. First of all, sleep helps with restoration. Sleep cleans out the metabolic waste in the brain. During sleep, brain cells shrink by 60 percent. Soon, when you wake up, your brain will be cleared and refreshed. Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation. This maintains and strengthens your long-term memories. Not only that, sleeping can help prevent muscle loss and fat gain. Therefore, we should sleep a lot.
Sleeping is important (unedited article) Sleeping will help you with many ways. First of all, sleep helps with restoration. Sleep cleans out the brain such as metabolic wastes. The brain shrinks 60 percent of your brain cells. Soon, when you wake up, your brain will be cleared and refreshed. Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation. It maintains and strengthens your long-term memories. Not only that, sleeping can help by preventing muscle loss and fat gain. Therefore, we should sleep a lot.
Source: https://jamesclear.com/sleep#The%20Purpose%20of%20Sleep —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Observing 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11 landing
The 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing is celebrated on July 20, 2019.
This journey began on July 16, 1969, when Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins launched into space from Florida's Kennedy Space Center.
On July 20, 1969, billions of people were watching “Armstrong and Aldrin lower the lunar module ladder to become the first humans ever to set foot on the moon.“ -Please rewrite this sentence to reflect your own paraphrased version.
The Apollo 11 mission was and still is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts. -Changed "Golden" to "The Apollo 11." This is to avoid directly quoting the source article. -Rephrased "was/is" to "was and still is." It's a different way of saying the same thing, but it is a little more formal; This “Golden” mission was/is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts.
Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is being displayed for the first time in 13 years. -Added "being." It's a good word to use when describing something that is currently still occurring; Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is displayed for the first time in 13 years.
The US Space Agency also announced a never-researched rock sample and gave it to nine lucky scientists. -Removed "to reveal." It is similar to "announced", so only the first one is necessary here. -Changed "never-studied" to "never-researched." This is just to avoid quoting too directly from the source article. -Changed "give" to "gave." This is to keep the past tense consistent; The US Space Agency also announced to reveal a never-studied sample rock and give it to nine lucky scientists.
There are so many events we need to celebrate. -Rephrased this sentence. I would suggest mentioning the moon landing itself, just to wrap up your paragraph. Good article overall!; Thus, there are so many events we need to celebrate, that we didn’t know about.
Observing 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11 Landing (completely edited article) The 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing is celebrated on July 20, 2019. This journey began on July 16, 1969, when Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins launched into space from Florida's Kennedy Space Center. On July 20, 1969, billions of people were watching “Armstrong and Aldrin lower the lunar module ladder to become the first humans ever to set foot on the moon. “ The Apollo 11 mission was and still is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts. Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is being displayed for the first time in 13 years. The US Space Agency also announced a never-researched rock sample and gave it to nine lucky scientists. There are so many events we need to celebrate.
Observing 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11 Landing (unedited article) The 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing is celebrated on July 20, 2019. This journey began on July 16, 1969, when Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins launched into space from Florida's Kennedy Space Center. On July 20, 1969, billions of people were watching “Armstrong and Aldrin lower the lunar module ladder to become the first humans ever to set foot on the moon. “ This “Golden” mission was/is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts. Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is displayed for the first time in 13 years. The US Space Agency also announced to reveal a never-studied sample rock and give it to nine lucky scientists. Thus, there are so many events we need to celebrate, that we didn’t know about.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— The Great Robert Smith
Robert Smith, a billionaire, decided he will pay 2019 Morehouse graduates’ debt. -Changed the sentence to be completely in the past tense. -Added “2019 Morehouse graduates” to provide more context for the reader. He specifically erased the debt of that class; Robert Smith, a billionaire, decides he will pay the students’ debt.
Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr. Smith announced he would pay off all their debt.
-Changed “addressed” to “announced.” “Announced” is a good word to use here to describe what he did -Changed “will” to “would”; Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr.Smith addressed he will pay off all their debt.
Mr. Smith had already gifted the college with $1.5 million. -He gave the money to Morehouse College, not directly to the students themselves; Mr.Smith had already gifted the students with $1.5 million.
He also mentions in his speech that he was bused to another elementary school. -Reworded to more accurately reflect the source article. As a kid, Smith was bused to another school across town in order to racially integrate that school; He also mentions in his speech that he devoted to an elementary school for transportation issues.
Furthermore, Mr. Smith said he became like this because of his community; the community allowed him to aspire to reach great heights.
Today, we need more people like him in our society, to become better people and to learn how to help each other.
The Great Robert Smith (completely edited article)
Robert Smith, a billionaire, decided he will pay 2019 Morehouse graduates’ debt. Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr.Smith announced he will pay off all their debt. Mr.Smith had already gifted the college with $1.5 million. He also mentions in his speech that he was bused to another elementary school. Furthermore, Mr. Smith said he became like this because of his community; the community allowed him to aspire to reach great heights. Today, we need more people like him in our society, to become better people and to learn how to help each other.
The Great Robert Smith (unedited article)
Robert Smith, a billionaire, decides he will pay the students’ debt. Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr.Smith addressed he will pay off all their debt. Mr.Smith had already gifted the students with $1.5 million. He also mentions in his speech that he devoted to an elementary school for transportation issues. Furthermore, Mr. Smith said he became like this because of his community; the community allowed him to aspire to reach great heights. Today, we need more people like him in our society, to become better people and so learn how to help each other.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/23/billionaire-investor-robert-smith-pledges-to-pay-off-morehouse-graduates-student-debt —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Bison, an animal you should “keep your eyes peeled”
Bisons are fascinating and great, but can be dangerous and scary at the same time. Bisons are not cute, minuscule animals; but rather huge, scary animals. They weigh 2,000 pounds and run 35 miles per hour, and can jump objects over 5 feet. Bisons are great known swimmers and great at vision, smell, noise. Most of bisons are found in Wyoming, Montana, Colorado and some parts of Kentucky. In Yellow Stone, more than 4.1 million bison came. People should be aware of bison because they can attack at 3,500 square miles area. Thus, bison are scary and huge, they are nice and smart.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/bison-encounter-buffalo/ –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Ozmo, the Ultimate Hero!
Skyscrapers worldwide are made out of large glass panes human workers have to clean frequently. -Removed unnecessary commas after “skyscrapers and worldwide.” Also Removed “and” and “them”; Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently.
For humans it is a hard and risky task; if they fall off, they would die or be severely injured. - Removed “for them” because the subject is already specified. -Changed “wouldn’t be alive” to “would die” in order to use more active verb -Combined the two sentences with a colon in between; For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them. If they fall off, they wouldn’t be alive or be severely injured.
Because of this, a robot named Ozmo will is assigned to clean the glass panes and while humans will be safely watching itwatch below. -Removed “so” to make the sentence more fluid and replaced with “because of this.” -Added “A robot named” because Ozmo it has not been previously named -Changed “will be” to “is” in order to keep the present tense. -Changed “and humans will be safely watching it below” to “while humans safely watch below” in order to keep the present tense; So, Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes and humans will be safely watching it below.
The benefits of Ozmo are that it works safer and faster, taking 80 hours to clean the whole outside while human workers take 480 hours to clean. -Combined these two sentences and fixed subject-verb agreement; The benefits of having Ozmo is that it works faster and safer. The Ozmo takes 80 hours to clean the whole outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
The Ozmo uses its arms and brushes to clean the glass panes. -I removed this sentence to conform to the 7 sentence paragraph structure; it is also not essential.
A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system, which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of.
To do its job, the Ozmo uses distilled water and a process known as reverse osmosis. -Changed the structure and some wording of the sentence in order to avoid potential plagiarism; The Ozmo uses distilled water and a process called reverse osmosis to do the job.
Schwarcz explains, "We hypothyroid by water, taking all the minerals out of it, and then we use the natural properties of pure water to absorb the salts, the minerals, the oils, the grit from the building. We are environmentally neutral." -I removed this sentence because it is directly taken from the original source; I also do not believe it is necessary in light of the 7 sentence paragraph structure.
It is anticipatedOzmo, the Ultimate Hero! Skyscrapers worldwide are made out of large glass panes human workers have to clean frequently. -Removed unnecessary commas after “skyscrapers and worldwide.” Also Removed “and” and “them”; Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently.
For humans it is a hard and risky task; if they fall off, they would die or be severely injured. - Removed “for them” because the subject is already specified. -Changed “wouldn’t be alive” to “would die” in order to use more active verb -Combined the two sentences with a colon in between; For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them. If they fall off, they wouldn’t be alive or be severely injured.
Because of this, a robot named Ozmo will is assigned to clean the glass panes and while humans will be safely watching itwatch below. -Removed “so” to make the sentence more fluid and replaced with “because of this.” -Added “A robot named” because Ozmo it has not been previously named -Changed “will be” to “is” in order to keep the present tense. -Changed “and humans will be safely watching it below” to “while humans safely watch below” in order to keep the present tense; So, Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes and humans will be safely watching it below.
The benefits of Ozmo are that it works safer and faster, taking 80 hours to clean the whole outside while human workers take 480 hours to clean. -Combined these two sentences and fixed subject-verb agreement; The benefits of having Ozmo is that it works faster and safer. The Ozmo takes 80 hours to clean the whole outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
The Ozmo uses its arms and brushes to clean the glass panes. -I removed this sentence to conform to the 7 sentence paragraph structure; it is also not essential.
A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system, which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of.
To do its job, the Ozmo uses distilled water and a process known as reverse osmosis. -Changed the structure and some wording of the sentence in order to avoid potential plagiarism; The Ozmo uses distilled water and a process called reverse osmosis to do the job.
Schwarcz explains, "We hypothyroid by water, taking all the minerals out of it, and then we use the natural properties of pure water to absorb the salts, the minerals, the oils, the grit from the building. We are environmentally neutral." -I removed this sentence because it is directly taken from the original source; I also do not believe it is necessary in light of the 7 sentence paragraph structure.
It is anticipated that the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers. -Reworded this sentence because it does not reflect the content of the source; It is unclear if the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
Ozmo, the Ultimate Hero! (completely edited article) Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently. For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them: if they fall off, they could die or be severely injured. Because of this, a robot named Ozmo will is assigned to clean the glass panes while humans watch safely from below. The benefits of having Ozmo are that it works faster and safer, taking 80 hours to clean the entire outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean. A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system, which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of. To do its job, the Ozmo uses distilled water and a process known as reverse osmosis. It is unclear if the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
Ozmo, the Ultimate Hero! (unedited article) Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently. For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them. If they fall off, they wouldn't be alive or be severely injured. So, Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes and humans will be safely watching it below. The benefits of having Ozmo is that it works faster and safer. The Ozmo takes 80 hours to clean the whole outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean. The Ozmo uses its arms and brushes to clean the glass panes. A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system , which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of. The Ozmo uses distilled water and a process called reverse osmosis to do the job. Schwarcz explains, "We hypothyroid by water, taking all the minerals out of it, and then we use the natural properties of pure water to absorb the salts, the minerals, the oils, the grit from the building. We are environmentally neutral." It is anticipated that the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers. that the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/27/meet-ozmo-the-environmentally-friendly-window-cleaning-robot –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– The Effects of Cracked Phones
Cracked phones are bad in a variety of ways. -"Variety" is a more descriptive alternative to "many", and it has a similar meaning; Cracked phones are bad in many ways.
First of all, it blocks content and exposes the phone to future damages. -Changed "obstruct" to "blocks" in order to avoid copying the article and using their wording too closely; First of all, it obstructs content and exposes the phone for future damages.
Also, the phone's touch functionality gets damaged, preventing it from sensing fingerprints. -Added "phone's touch functionality" in order to avoid copying the article too closely. Also, adding "phone" as a subject links your ideas together more clearly. -Added "preventing it from sensing fingerprints." "Preventing" is a more concise way of saying "not allowing." I also changed the construction of the phrase to be active, so "to sense" becomes the verb "sensing." This works because I previously made "phone" a subject of the sentence; Also, the captive touch functionality gets damaged, and so not allowing it to sense fingerprints.
In addition, the water-resistant “power” will stop working because the crack allows the water to get through to the phone.
Not only that, you can cut your fingers on the sharp, hard cracks.' -Changed "sharp and hard cracks" to "sharp, hard cracks." Using the "and" construction isn't wrong. The comma construction is another way of indicating the two adjectives---"sharp" and "hard"---modify the noun, "cracks"; Not only that, you can cut your fingers by the sharp and hard cracks.
Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to avoid these effects. -Changed "reduce" to "avoid." You're advising that someone try not to crack their phone at all. So in this case, "avoid" is a more appropriate word to use here. Good use of "therefore"!; Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to reduce the effects.
The Effects of Cracked Phones (completely edited article) Cracked phones are bad in a variety of ways. First of all, it blocks content and exposes the phone to future damages. Also, the phone's touch functionality gets damaged, preventing it from sensing fingerprints. In addition, the water-resistant “power” will stop working because the crack allows the water to get through to the phone. Not only that, you can cut your fingers on the sharp, hard cracks. Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to avoid these effects.
The Effects of Cracked Phones (unedited article) Cracked phones are bad in many ways. First of all, it obstructs content and exposes the phone for future damages. Also, the captive touch functionality gets damaged, and so not allowing it to sense fingerprints. In addition, the water-resistant “power” will stop working because the crack allows the water to get through the phone. Not only that, you can cut your fingers by the sharp and hard cracks. Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to reduce the effects.
Source: https://www.techwalla.com/articles/the-dangers-of-a-cracked-phone-screen —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Ruthenium
Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is interesting to learn about. -Removed "very." Try out using synonyms that mean the same thing as "very interesting", but are more descriptive, like "captivating" or "compelling". "Interesting" is somewhat vague; Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is very interesting to learn about.
Ruthenium was identified by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844. -Changed "created" to "identified." "Identified" is a bit more accurate of a term to use here than "created", as Klaus is credited as discovering the element and not making it; Ruthenium was created by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844.
Its atomic number is 44 and the atomic weight is 101.07.
Ruthenium is a hard, white transition metal.
Ruthenium is found in the Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa. -Added "the" before "Ural Mountains"; Ruthenium is found in Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa.
Ruthenium is not only a cool element; it also has a good use. -Deleted "not only that" because it is similar to the other "not only" in the sentence. -Changed "can not only be" to "is not only." The first phrasing is a bit awkward. The second phrasing makes your statement more definitive and strong, and helps with the coherence of the sentence. -Changed "but also a good use" to "it also has a good use." The semicolon acts as the "but" in this sentence, so it is not needed. -Changed "also a good use" to "has a good use." "Has" indicates that it is being used for something, which is exactly what you describe. Good use of the semicolon!; Not only that, Ruthenium can not only be a cool element; but also a good use.
Ruthenium can “split hydrogen sulfide (H2S) through light, using an aqueous suspension of cadmium sulfide (CdS) particles loaded with ruthenium dioxide. This ability could help to remove of H2S from oil refining and other industrial processes.” -I'm removing this sentence because it is a direct quote from the source. Please try and avoid using direct quotes. You can paraphrase this quote and replace this sentence.
Ruthenium is not an element that everyone knows, which is unfortunate because it is so cool to learn about.
Ruthenium (completely edited article) Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is interesting to learn about. Ruthenium was identified by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844. Its atomic number is 44 and the atomic weight is 101.07. Ruthenium is a hard, white transition metal. Ruthenium can be attacked by halogens and hydroxides. Ruthenium is found in the Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa. Ruthenium is not only a cool element, but it also has a good use. Ruthenium is not an element that everyone knows, which is unfortunate because it is so cool to learn about.
Ruthenium (unedited article) Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is very interesting to learn about. Ruthenium was created by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844. Its atomic number is 44 and the atomic weight is 101.07. Ruthenium is a hard, white transition metal. Ruthenium can be attacked by halogens and hydroxides. Ruthenium is found in Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa. Not only that, Ruthenium can not only be a cool element; but also a good use. Ruthenium can “split hydrogen sulfide (H2S) through light, using an aqueous suspension of cadmium sulfide (CdS) particles loaded with ruthenium dioxide. This ability could help to remove of H2S from oil refining and other industrial processes.” Ruthenium is not an element that everyone knows, which is unfortunate because it is so cool to learn about.
Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.livescience.com/34836-ruthenium.html —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Protesting Successful
Recent protests in Hong Kong and Sudan were successful. -Added “recent” to contextualize for the reader what you will be writing about. -Changed China to Hong Kong. Although Hong Kong is considered a part of China, I think it’s more accurate here to say Hong Kong; Protesting in China and Sudan were successful.
In Sudan, people have been protesting since 2018 because of the food prices.
In April, their president, Omar al-Bashir, was forced out because of the protests.
However, protesters weren’t happy when the army leaders took over.
As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, although not all. -Changed the wording of “not all though” to “although not all.” “Although” is a more concise way of saying “not all”, and it sounds like a more complete phrase; As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, not all though.
The army leaders decided to share power with the people. -Removed the direct quote because I wanted to make sure that you were just paraphrasing; The army leaders decided, “to share power with people from the protest movement.”
In Hong Kong, people were protesting over a bill that was passed.
‘’’In early June, people didn’t agree to allowing the government to send people suspected of crimes to China.’’’
The protesting was strong and long, so the government decided not to pass it.
Protesting Successful (completely edited article) Recent protests in Hong Kong and Sudan were successful. In Sudan, people have been protesting since 2018 because of the food prices. In April, their president, Omar al-Bashir, was forced out because of the protests. However, protesters weren’t happy when the army leaders took over. As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, although not all. The army leaders decided to share power with the people. In Hong Kong, people were protesting over a bill that was passed. In early June, people didn’t agree to allowing the government to send people suspected of crimes to China. The protesting was strong and long, so the government decided not to pass it.
Protesting Successful (unedited article) Protesting in China and Sudan were successful. In Sudan, people have been protesting since 2018 because of the food prices. In April, their president, Omar al-Bashir, was forced out because of the protests. However, protesters weren’t happy when the army leaders took over. As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, not all though. The army leaders decided, “to share power with people from the protest movement. ” In Hong Kong, people were protesting over a bill that was passed. In early June, people didn’t agree to allowing the government to send people suspected of crimes to China. The protesting was strong and long, so the government decided not to pass it.
Source: https://newsforkids.net/articles/2019/07/10/protesters-in-sudan-hong-kong-are-successful/
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Sometimes, annoying noises are good for purposes -Capitalized the title. Also changed to "for good purposes."
In Europe, there are many electric cars. -Added "many" to make the sentence a little less broad; In Europe, there are electric cars.
However, some electrical cars don’t make any sounds.
The bad part about that is there are going to be more car accidents.
The noises give information about the location and speed of the car; however, without it there would be no valid information. -Added "of the car" to add some context. Great sentence!; The noises give information about the location and speed; however, without it there would be no valid information.
Many people tend to like noiseless cars because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize there are unpleasant consequences. -"Noiseless" is a more concise way to say "no noise." I also added "cars" to make it more clear that you are referring to car noises. -Changed "their" to "there are"; Many people tend to like no noises because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize their unpleasant consequences.
The noises are beneficial for blind people because they will be able to at least locate the car.
Therefore, adding noises to electric cars is beneficial to many people. -Added "to many people" to specify who it is beneficial for; Therefore, adding noises to the electric cars is beneficial.
Sometimes, Annoying Noises Are For Good Purposes (completely edited article) In Europe, there are many electric cars. However, some electrical cars don’t make any noise. The bad part about that is there are going to be more car accidents. The noises give information about the location and speed of the car; however, without it there would be no valid information. Many people tend to like noiseless cars because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize there are unpleasant consequences. The noises are beneficial for blind people because they will be able to at least locate the car. Therefore, adding noises to electric cars is beneficial for many people.
Sometimes, annoying noises are good for purposes (unedited article) In Europe, there are electric cars. However, some electrical cars don’t make any sounds. The bad part about that is there are going to be more car accidents. The noises give information about the location and speed; however, without it there would be no valid information. Many people tend to like no noises because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize their unpleasant consequences. The noises are beneficial for blind people because they will be able to at least locate the car. Therefore, adding noises to the electric cars is beneficial.
Source: https://newsforkids.net/articles/2019/07/04/electric-cars-in-europe-must-make-noise/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— National Ice Cream Month Has Begun
July is official National Ice Cream Month. -Capitalized “National Ice Cream Month” because it is a proper noun; July is the official national ice cream month.
The tradition was started in 1984 by US president Ronald Reagan to appreciate ice cream’s taste and qualities. -Reworded some of the sentence to make it a more complete thought; The tradition was started in 1984 by past US president Ronald Reagan, appreciating the taste and qualities.
There is no origin of ice cream, but some believe it originated from the Persians. -Changed “few” to “some.” “Few” implies that not that many people believe the Persians were the first to make ice cream. “Some” implies that there are some people who do believe it; There is no origin of ice cream, but few believe it originated from the Persians.
The first milk-based ice cream came from China's Tang Dynasty.’’’
However, the Arabs are credited for making the first modern-day ice cream.
Ice cream soon expanded to Europe in the 16th century and not to the US until 1744. -Deleted the commas around “ice cream soon.” -Moved “not” to be before “US.” This places greater emphasis on the fact that the US was introduced to ice cream relatively late; Ice cream, soon, expanded to Europe in the 16th century and to the US not until 1744.
The best part of ice cream are the flavors. -The plural form of “ice cream” is generally written as “ice cream”, so I altered the sentence to reflect that.
There are so many different kinds of flavors; it represents different personalities too.
For example, mint chocolate chip represents an argumentative personality.
In conclusion, July is a great month to think about, eat and enjoy ice cream. -Added “about”; In conclusion, July is a great month to think about, eat and enjoy ice cream.
National Ice Cream Month Has Begun (completely edited article) July is official National Ice Cream Month. The tradition was started in 1984 by US president Ronald Reagan, appreciating the taste and qualities. There is no origin of ice cream, but some believe it originated from the Persians. The first milk-based ice cream came from China's Tang Dynasty. However, the Arabs are credited for making the first modern-day ice cream. Ice cream soon expanded to Europe in the 16th century and not to the US until 1744. The best part of ice cream is the flavors. There are so many different kinds of flavors; it represents different personalities too. For example, mint chocolate chip represents an argumentative personality. In conclusion, July is a great month to think about, eat and enjoy ice cream.
NATIONAL ICE CREAM HAS BEGUN (unedited article)
July is the official national ice cream month. The tradition was started in 1984 by past US president Ronald Reagan, appreciating the taste and qualities. There is no origin of ice cream, but few believe it originated from the Persians. The first milk-based ice cream came from China's Tang Dynasty. However, the Arabs are credited for making the first modern-day ice cream. Ice cream, soon, expanded to Europe in the 16th century and to the US not until 1744. The best part of ice creams is the flavors. There are so many different kinds of flavors; it represents different personalities too. For example, mint chocolate chip represents an argumentative personality. In conclusion, July is the great month to think, eat and enjoy ice cream.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/7/6/national-ice-cream-month-has-begun
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Unfair Treatment
Jaroslav Bobrowski, an Ironman triathlete, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant.
He was banned because he ate too much.
According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is on a special diet in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full. -"On" is a better word to use here than "in"; According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is in a special diet, in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full.
Passauer Neue Presse, the owner of the restaurant, said he ate for five people.
He found this abnormal, so he banned Mr. Bobrowski from his store. -"Abnormal" is a different and more concise way of saying "not normal." -Deleted "and" and "the" because they were unnecessary in this sentence; He found this not normal, and so he banned the Mr. Bobrowski from his store.
He didn't even let Mr. Bobrowski tip the waiter that helped him. -"Didn't even" is a more natural sounding phrase than "even didn't." -Deleted "pay" and "to." It's sufficient to just say "tip the waiter" as "tip" can be used as a verb, like in this case; He even didn’t let Mr. Bobrowski pay tip to the waiter that helped him.
Although people might eat beyond an average person, they shouldn’t judge them and kick them out. -This sentence is an opinion and is not contained within the article. Please rewrite this sentence to paraphrase something else from the article that can help you wrap up your paragraph. Great work overall!
Unfair Treatment (edited) Jaroslav Bobrowski, an Ironman triathlete, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. He was banned because he ate too much. According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is on a special diet in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full. Passauer Neue Presse, the owner of the restaurant, said he ate for five people. He found this abnormal, so he banned Mr. Bobrowski from his store. He didn't even let Mr. Bobrowski tip the waiter that helped him. Although people might eat beyond an average person, they shouldn’t judge them and kick them out.
Unfair Treatment (original) Jaroslav Bobrowski, an Ironman triathlete, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. He was banned because he ate too much. According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is in a special diet, in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full. Passauer Neue Presse, the owner of the restaurant, said he ate for five people. He found this not normal, and so he banned the Mr. Bobrowski from his store. He even didn’t let Mr. Bobrowski pay tip to the waiter that helped him. Although people might eat beyond an average person, they shouldn’t judge them and kick them out.
Source: https://www.thelocal.de/20180914/german-triathlete-banned-from-all-you-can-eat-sushi-restaurant-for-eating-too-much ————————————————-
National Donut Day is Coming!
-I changed "COMING" to "Coming" just to keep the headline more professional.
-Changed "Doughnut" to "Donut." "Doughnut" is a valid way to spell it, but I just changed it to "donut" because that's the way the author from the source article spells it; National Doughnut Day is Coming!
National Donut Day is on June 7th. -Changed "Doughnut" to "Donut"; National Doughnut Day is on June 7th.
The history behind this holiday goes back to World War I, when Salvation Army went to assist US troops. -Changed the structure of this sentence. By putting the historical context first (World War I), it better orients the reader; The history behind this holiday is Salvation Army workers who went to assist US troops during World War I (WWI).
When the "Donut Girls," arrived in France in 1917, they found the soldiers were miserable.
To try to cheer them up, they planned to make donuts with flour, sugar, and oil. -Changed "the Salvation Army" to "they." It is not the organization as a whole that planned to make donuts, it was the workers in particular. "They" is a more accurate and simple way to refer to them. Great sentence overall!; To try to cheer them up, the Salvation Army planned to make doughnuts with flour, sugar, and oil.
One of the workers, Margaret Sheldon, convinced a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter using the top of a condensed milk can. -Added "One of the workers, Margaret Sheldon" in order to provide context for the reader. When first introducing someone in a piece of writing, try and refer to them by their first name. After that first reference, you can only refer to them by their last name if you choose. -Changed some of the wording of the sentence because it was too close to the original source material. Try to avoid plagiarism!; Sheldon soon managed to convince a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter, using the top of a condensed milk can to make a donut with a hole in it.
Soon, the treat was done and they were called the “doughboys,” afterward.
Celebrating this day, there are many promotions, deals, and giveaways happening in 20 different countries. -Good paragraph overall! Keep up the good work.
National Doughnut Day is COMING! The national doughnut day is on June 7th. An average American eats 31 doughnuts every year. The history behind this holiday is Salvation Army workers who went to assist US troops during World War I (WWI). When the "Donut Girls," arrived in France in 1917, they found the soldiers were miserable. To try to cheer them up, the Salvation Army planned to make doughnuts with flour, sugar, and oil. Sheldon soon managed to convince a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter, using the top of a condensed milk can to make a donut with a hole in it. Soon, the treat was done and they were called the “doughboys,” afterward. Celebrating this day, there are many promotions, deals, and giveaways happening in 20 different countries.
National Donut Day is Coming! National Donut Day is on June 7th. An average American eats 31 doughnuts every year. The history behind this holiday goes back to World War I, when Salvation Army went to assist US troops. When the "Donut Girls," arrived in France in 1917, they found the soldiers were miserable. To try to cheer them up, they planned to make donuts with flour, sugar, and oil. One of the workers, Margaret Sheldon, convinced a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter using the top of a condensed milk can. Soon, the treat was done and they were called the “doughboys,” afterward. Celebrating this day, there are many promotions, deals, and giveaways happening in 20 different countries.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/31/national-donut-day-is-just-a-week-away ———————————————— New Restrictive Abortion Laws -Changed the headline to specify which laws you're talking about, as well as what they are doing.
The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other circumstances. -Changed "actions" to "circumstances." "Circumstances" better encapsulates the various conditions that may lead a woman to seeking out an abortion; The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other actions.
Non-complying doctors will be charged with criminal penalties, and the state can send them to prison for up to 15 years. -This is a well-written sentence but I'm not sure where you got this information from. There is nothing about this in the source article. Please stick to paraphrasing your source.
The votes were 24-10 by the Republican supermajority. -Again, this is a well-written sentence but I don't know where this information comes from. Please only paraphrase from the source.
These restrictive abortion laws are not only going to be in effect in Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio, and Kentucky. -Deleted "However, this." "This" would be better to use in reference to a single law. Because you're talking about several different laws, "these" is a better word here. -Changed "are" to "were." This better reflects the fact that these laws have not gone into complete effect yet, but they will. -Changed "used by" to "in effect." Although "used" is technically correct here, "in effect" better captures the fact that these laws will soon be put in use, but they haven't yet; However, this restrictive abortion laws were not only going to used by Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio, and Kentucky.
This will also be used as another possible reason to restrict Roe V. Wade, which the Supreme Court will decide upon. -Changed "will be also" to "also be used." -Changed "legal vehicle" to "reason." I believe you are trying to say that the law will be a point of debate within the Supreme Court, causing them to have to make a new decision. "Legal vehicle" is a little confusing here, so "reason" works best. -Added "restrict." The phrase "legal vehicle to the Roe V Wade case" doesn't specify what could actually happen to Roe. The law could potentially restrict or destroy it. -Changed "before" to "which." Roe V. Wade won't end unless the Supreme Court decides to do so. "Which" better reflects that this decision will take place sometime in the near future. -Changed "speaks" to "will speak." Because their ruling hasn't happened yet, I changed it to be in the future tense; This will be also served as another possible legal vehicle to the Roe V Wade case, before the Supreme Court speaks about this.
Depending on the Supreme Court's decision, they can overturn this bill or pass it to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill. -Changed "Supreme Court" to "Supreme Court's decision." Because the Supreme Court is performing an action, it can be specified that they are making a decision. -Changed "this" to "it." Try to avoid repeating "this" too much. If it is repeated multiple times in a sentence, it can become vague and a little confusing. -I am not sure where you got this information. It's not in the source article. Again, please stick to just paraphrasing your source; Depending on the Supreme court, they can overturn this bill, or pass this to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill.
M’Evie Mead, director of policy and organizing for Planned Parenthood Advocates in Missouri, said “ Politicians are putting the health and lives of Missouri women at risk in their race to make sure our state the one that overturns Roe v. Wade at the Supreme Court. These bans on safe, legal abortion will have real costs for the women and families who need reproductive health care. -This fact is not anywhere in your source article. In addition, you should not directly quote your source, as you are paraphrasing. Please, please stick to paraphrasing your source. I deleted this sentence.
Many emotions ran through the night, and many protests happened in the day. -Changed "protesting" to "protests." Because you don't specify who is doing the protesting, using the verb "protesting" is a little confusing. This information is not present anywhere in the source article. Please try and avoid plagiarism; Many emotions ran through the night, and many protesting happened in the day.
The New Law
The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other actions. Non-complying doctors will be charged with criminal penalties, and the state can send them to prison for up to 15 years. The votes were 24-10 by the Republican supermajority. However, this restrictive abortion laws were not only going to be used by Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio and Kentucky. This will be also served as another possible legal vehicle to the Roe v Wade case, before the Supreme Court speaks about this. Depending on the Supreme Court, they can overturn this bill, or pass this to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill. M’Evie Mead, director of policy and organizing for Planned Parenthood Advocates in Missouri, said “ Politicians are putting the health and lives of Missouri women at risk in their race to make sure our state the one that overturns Roe v. Wade at the Supreme Court. These bans on safe, legal abortion will have real costs for the women and families who need reproductive health care.” Many emotions ran through the night, and many protesting happened in the day.
New Abortion Laws The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other circumstances. Non-complying doctors will be charged with criminal penalties, and the state can send them to prison for up to 15 years. These restrictive abortion laws are not only going to be in effect in Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio and Kentucky. This will also be used as another possible reason to restrict Roe V. Wade, which the Supreme Court will speak about. Depending on the Supreme Court's decision, they can overturn this bill or pass it to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill. Many emotions ran through the night, and many protests happened in the day.
Source: https://apple.news/Avijsj6YQRw6gzZ7IeXf7Vg -Note: please try and change your source to more accurately reflect the content of your original paragraph. ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
