Sydney Schoone - Editor page
Edits for Tdso
The Skills Of Success
Every year, Bloomberg, a global finance company, runs an comprehensive survey of recruiters to find out what skills are in demand by employers and what skills are hardest to find in potential employees.
- Good description, but you can eliminate the second "what skills" to condense the sentence; be sure to use "a" in front of words that begin with a consonant; Every year, Bloomberg, a global finance company, runs a comprehensive survey of recruiters to find out what skills are in demand by employers, and are hardest to find in potential employees.
The most recent survey revealed to us the need for six key skills: analytical thinking, strategic thinking, creative problem solving, leadership skills, collaborative work styles, and communication skills. The six skills create the foundation necessary for people to be informed next-generation citizens and global leaders.
- These two sentences can be combined so "six skills" doesn't seem too repetitive; "to us" isn't necessary for the summary of the article because it seems intrusive to the reader; The most recent survey revealed the need for six key skills to create the foundation necessary for people to be informed, next-generation citizens and global leaders: analytical thinking, strategic thinking, creative problem solving, leadership skills, collaborative work styles, and communication skills.
The International Baccalaureate makes it a priority to teach students how to learn, and development of the six skills identified in the Bloomberg report is a big part of that effort. GEMS leaders believe these skills, as brought to life in the IB, position our students to take on important global-leadership challenges in the years to come.
- Eliminate "our" as it also seems intrusive; no need for the hyphen in "global leadership"; state the abbreviation directly after the company name before you continue to use it, otherwise it seems confusing; The International Baccalaureate (IB) makes it a priority to teach students how to learn, and development of the six skills identified in the Bloomberg report is a big part of that effort. GEMS leaders believe these skills, as brought to life in the IB, position students to take on important global leadership challenges in the years to come.
The Skills Of Success
Every year, Bloomberg, a global finance company, runs an comprehensive survey of recruiters to find out what skills are in demand by employers and what skills are hardest to find in potential employees. The most recent survey revealed to us the need for six key skills: analytical thinking, strategic thinking, creative problem solving, leadership skills, collaborative work styles, and communication skills. The six skills create the foundation necessary for people to be informed next-generation citizens and global leaders. The International Baccalaureate makes it a priority to teach students how to learn, and development of the six skills identified in the Bloomberg report is a big part of that effort. GEMS leaders believe these skills, as brought to life in the IB, position our students to take on important global-leadership challenges in the years to come.
Fully edited article:
The Skills Of Success
Every year, Bloomberg, a global finance company, runs a comprehensive survey of recruiters to find out what skills are in demand by employers, and are hardest to find in potential employees. The most recent survey revealed the need for six key skills to create the foundation necessary for people to be informed, next-generation citizens and global leaders: analytical thinking, strategic thinking, creative problem solving, leadership skills, collaborative work styles, and communication skills. The International Baccalaureate (IB) makes it a priority to teach students how to learn, and development of the six skills identified in the Bloomberg report is a big part of that effort. GEMS leaders believe these skills, as brought to life in the IB, position students to take on important global leadership challenges in the years to come.
- You need to work on: mild sentence condensing, and the exact source article was difficult to find.
Edited by Sydney
Source: https://www.nbcnews.com/news/weird-news
Dubai Has Robotic Police Officers and They're Amazing
- The title doesn't always have to be the same; in order to condense it and make it more eye-catching try; Dubai's Amazing Robot Police
Dubai just unveiled the latest addition to its police force: robot police officers. As crazy as it sounds, robot police officers are now patrolling at mostly shopping centers and tourist destinations. They're designed to keep peace and record petty crimes.
- Put "has" after Dubai; Put "these" in front of "robot police officers" in the second sentence so the reader knows they are the specific kind about to be discussed; no need for "mostly"; the phrase should be "keep the peace"; you can use the third sentence as a descriptor for the robots; Dubai has just unveiled the latest addition to its police force: robot police officers. As crazy as it sounds, these robot police officers, designed to keep the peace and record petty crimes, are now patrolling at shopping centers and tourist destinations.
The robots have eyes, but no mouth or nose, making them look weirdly human and not human at the same time. They stand 5"4' tall, weigh a massive 220 pounds, and have a touch screen in their chest to report petty crimes.
- "Touchscreen" is one word; try using "inhuman"; The robots have eyes, but no mouth or nose, making them look weirdly human and inhuman at the same time. They stand 5"4' tall, weigh a massive 220 pounds, and have a touchscreen in their chest to report petty crimes.
Although the new peacekeepers can't make arrests, they can recognize faces and compare them to a criminal base.
- Use "database" instead, otherwise it seems like you're talking about some sort of base camp for criminals; Although the new peacekeepers can't make arrests, they can recognize faces and compare them to a criminal database.
This advancement has put the Dubai police force on the forefront of a technological revolution. Dubai says by 2030, 25% of its police force could be robotic.
- This sentence can be combines into one fluid sentence; This advancement has put the Dubai police force on the forefront of a technological revolution, and by 2030, 25% of Dubai's police force could be robotic.
Dubai Has Robotic Police Officers and They're Amazing
Dubai just unveiled the latest addition to its police force: robot police officers. As crazy as it sounds, robot police officers are now patrolling at mostly shopping centers and tourist destinations. They're designed to keep peace and record petty crimes. The robots have eyes, but no mouth or nose, making them look weirdly human and not human at the same time. They stand 5"4' tall, weigh a massive 220 pounds, and have a touch screen in their chest to report petty crimes. Although the new peacekeepers can't make arrests, they can recognize faces and compare them to a criminal base. This advancement has put the Dubai police force on the forefront of a technological revolution. Dubai says by 2030, 25% of its police force could be robotic.
Fully edited article:
Dubai's Amazing Robot Police
Dubai has just unveiled the latest addition to its police force: robot police officers. As crazy as it sounds, these robot police officers, designed to keep the peace and record petty crimes, are now patrolling at shopping centers and tourist destinations. The robots have eyes, but no mouth or nose, making them look weirdly human and inhuman at the same time. They stand 5"4' tall, weigh a massive 220 pounds, and have a touchscreen in their chest to report petty crimes. Although the new peacekeepers can't make arrests, they can recognize faces and compare them to a criminal database. This advancement has put the Dubai police force on the forefront of a technological revolution, and by 2030, 25% of Dubai's police force could be robotic.
- You need to work on: word choice and sentence combination.
Edited by Sydney
Employees at this Tech Company Can Now Get Microchip Implants
- You can shorten the title to make it more concise; try Tech Company Offers Employees Microchip Implants
A Wisconsin-based technology company, Three Square Market, announced on Thursday that it would be offering its employees the chance to be micro-chipped with RFID chips into their hands.
- Put the full name of what RFID is before the abbreviation, after that use the abbreviation as much as you want; use "will" instead of "would" because the article is talking about a future event; A Wisconsin-based technology company, Three Square Market, announced on Thursday that it will be offering its employees the chance to be micro-chipped with radio-frequency identification (RFID) chips into their hands.
It can then be used for accessing multiple features throughout the office. Basically, this is a credit card ID badge inside your hand. This chip, roughly the size of a rice grain, uses the same near-field communication technology found in programs such as Apple Pay.
- You can combine these three sentences and reword them into two more fluid sentences; Roughly the size of a rice grain, this chip acts as a credit card ID badge inside of the employee's hands. It can be used for accessing multiple features throughout the office, and uses the same near-field communication technology found in programs like Apple Pay.
The Chief Operating Officer Patrick McMullan said that this could just be another payment and identification option that can be used not only in their markets but other stores and centers.
- Make sure to stay in present tense; add a comma before "but" to add pause and emphasis; Chief Operating Officer Patrick McMullan says that this could just be another payment and identification option that can be used not only in their markets, but other stores and centers.
Employees at this Tech Company Can Now Get Microchip Implants
A Wisconsin-based technology company, Three Square Market, announced on Thursday that it would be offering its employees the chance to be micro-chipped with RFID chips into their hands. It can then be used for accessing multiple features throughout the office. Basically, this is a credit card ID badge inside your hand. This chip, roughly the size of a rice grain, uses the same near-field communication technology found in programs such as Apple Pay. The Chief Operating Officer Patrick McMullan said that this could just be another payment and identification option that can be used not only in their markets but other stores and centers.
Fully edited article:
Tech Company Offers Employees Microchip Implants
A Wisconsin-based technology company, Three Square Market, announced on Thursday that it will be offering its employees the chance to be micro-chipped with radio-frequency identification (RFID) chips into their hands. Roughly the size of a rice grain, this chip acts as a credit card ID badge inside of the employee's hands. It can be used for accessing multiple features throughout the office, and uses the same near-field communication technology found in programs like Apple Pay. Chief Operating Officer Patrick McMullan says that this could just be another payment and identification option that can be used not only in their markets, but other stores and centers.
- You need to work on: making your titles more concise, and condensing/combining your sentences so they're more fluid.
Edited by Sydney
U.S Issues Warning against Traveling to Cancun
- Be sure to capitalize all longer words in a title; U.S. Issues Warning Against Traveling to Cancun
The US State Department has widened an existing travel warning on Mexico to extend to the popular tourist region that includes Cancun.
- Must use "in" not "on" when referring to a place; use periods when abbreviating United States; this sentence is a bit wordy and can be condensed; The U.S. State Department has widened an existing travel warning in Mexico, extended to the popular tourist region Cancun.
The travel warning issued Tuesday added several regions that had been previously thought to be relatively sheltered from the country's gang violence. Other reasons were robbery, kidnapping, and son on.
- More usage of commas needed to space out the sentence, create pause, and create a list of the "reasons,"; combine these into one sentence since the second seems out of place and like filler; The travel warning, issued Tuesday, added several regions that had been previously thought to be relatively sheltered from the country's gang violence, robberies, and kidnappings.
The state of Quintana Roo was included in the warning because of its increase in homicides in 2016. This included the popular resort towns of Cancun, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen, and Tulum.
- These two sentences can be reworded and combined so they read more clearly and don't use the word "include" more than once; stating the reason for it being on the list will tie in with leaving off discussing the crimes elsewhere; Because of its increase in homicides in 2016, the state of Quintana Roo, including the popular resort towns of Cancun, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen, and Tulum, was included in the warning.
"Turf battles between criminal groups have resulted in violent crime in areas frequented by U.S citizens", notes this section of the alert.
- Keep commas within the quote; refer to it as the "warning" instead of the "alert" to go along with your previous references to it; "Turf battles between criminal groups have resulted in violent crime in areas frequented by U.S. citizens," notes this section of the warning.
However, the alert tells U.S residents that the level of drug-related violence is much less around in the resort areas and tourists destinations than in the border regions or in the areas along major trafficking routes.
- Refer to it as the "warning" again; some word choices need to be changed in order for the sentence to make sense; However, the warning tells U.S. residents that the level of drug-related violence is much less frequent in the resorts and tourist destinations than in the border regions or areas along major trafficking routes.
U.S Issues Warning against Traveling to Cancun
The US State Department has widened an existing travel warning on Mexico to extend to the popular tourist region that includes Cancun. The travel warning issued Tuesday added several regions that had been previously thought to be relatively sheltered from the country's gang violence. Other reasons were robbery, kidnapping, and son on. The state of Quintana Roo was included in the warning because of its increase in homicides in 2016. This included the popular resort towns of Cancun, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen, and Tulum. "Turf battles between criminal groups have resulted in violent crime in areas frequented by U.S citizens", notes this section of the alert. However, the alert tells U.S residents that the level of drug-related violence is much less around in the resort areas and tourists destinations than in the border regions or in the areas along major trafficking routes.
Fully edited article:
U.S. Issues Warning Against Traveling to Cancun
The U.S. State Department has widened an existing travel warning in Mexico, extended to the popular tourist region Cancun. The travel warning, issued Tuesday, added several regions that had been previously thought to be relatively sheltered from the country's gang violence, robberies, and kidnappings. Because of its increase in homicides in 2016, the state of Quintana Roo, including the popular resort towns of Cancun, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen, and Tulum, was included in the warning. "Turf battles between criminal groups have resulted in violent crime in areas frequented by U.S. citizens," notes this section of the warning. However, the warning tells U.S. residents that the level of drug-related violence is much less frequent in the resorts and tourist destinations than in the border regions or areas along major trafficking routes.
- You need to work on: word choice, usage of commas, and keeping consistent with what you're referring to within the article (warning/alert).
Edited by Sydney
Source: http://www.travelandleisure.com/travel-tips/travel-warnings/travel-warning-mexico-cancun
Tourists Stranded as Protesters Block Path to Machu Picchu
Many tourists are stranded due to the blocking of the PeruRail train, that takes thousands of people to the famed Inca City of Machu Picchu, in Peru, by protesters.
- This sentence needs to be restructured otherwise it's difficult to read; describing the train between the actions of the tourists and protesters makes it seem out of place and wordy; The PeruRail train, that takes thousands of people to the famed Inca City of Machu Picchu, Peru, has been blocked by protesters, leaving many tourists stranded.
The protests were unrelated to the tourists as the protests were mostly about the government , raises, and other things related to that. One of the protests were some 20,000 teachers demanding pay raises.
- It's possible to retool these two sentences so they give information about the protests without seeming like it's trailing off with the use of "and other things related to that"; a semicolon can be used here; The protests, unrelated to the tourists, concerned the government and raises; one such group of protesters were some 20,000 teachers demanding raises in pay.
The government dispatched about 1,000 riot polices, state new agency Andina reported. PeruRail had suspended rail services Wednesday and Thursday due to the situation. However, they are promising to refund or reschedule the money for the tickets already bought.
- Combine the first two sentences for a clearer read; "police" should be used because it's both the singular and plural form of the word; The government dispatched about 1,000 riot police, state news agency Andina reported. PeruRail has suspended rail services Wednesday and Thursday, however, they are promising to refund or reschedule the money for the tickets already bought.
A same situation had happened last year causing the rail service to be shut down for several days because of protests.
- Use the word "similar" in place of "same" because it grammatically makes sense due to the use of "a" instead of "the"; "because of protests" isn't needed because it's already implied; use past tense; A similar situation had happened last year, which caused the rail service to be shut down for several days.
Tourists Stranded as Protesters Block Path to Machu Picchu
Many tourists are stranded due to the blocking of the PeruRail train, that takes thousands of people to the famed Inca City of Machu Picchu, in Peru, by protesters. The protests were unrelated to the tourists as the protests were mostly about the government , raises, and other things related to that. One of the protests were some 20,000 teachers demanding pay raises. The government dispatched about 1,000 riot polices, state new agency Andina reported. PeruRail had suspended rail services Wednesday and Thursday due to the situation. However, they are promising to refund or reschedule the money for the tickets already bought. A same situation had happened last year causing the rail service to be shut down for several days because of protests.
Fully edited article:
Tourists Stranded as Protesters Block Path to Machu Picchu
The PeruRail train, that takes thousands of people to the famed Inca City of Machu Picchu, Peru, has been blocked by protesters, leaving many tourists stranded. The protests, unrelated to the tourists, concerned the government and raises; one such group of protesters were some 20,000 teachers demanding raises in pay. The government dispatched about 1,000 riot police, state news agency Andina reported. PeruRail has suspended rail services Wednesday and Thursday, however, they are promising to refund or reschedule the money for the tickets already bought. A similar situation had happened last year, which caused the rail service to be shut down for several days.
- You need to work on: keeping your tenses consistent, checking to see which sentences can be combined/condensed, and making sure your sentences read clearly/don't seem wordy.
Edited by Sydney
Source: http://www.travelandleisure.com/travel-tips/travel-warnings/protesters-machu-picchu-peru
Mysterious Object Makes Waves on Rhode Island
- You may as well have the entire article title here; Mysterious Object Makes Waves On Rhode Island Beach
People first noticed a bizarre object off the shore of Westerly, Rhode Island - which looks a little like a giant metal starfish with eight legs - several weeks ago.
- Put the description of the "bizarre object" before Westerly, Rhode Island -- otherwise it's going to read as though Westerly looks like "a giant metal starfish..."; People first noticed a bizarre object - which looks a little like a giant metal starfish with eight legs - several weeks ago off the shore of Westerly, Rhode Island.
It was embedded in the sand about six feet underwater and on Thursday, an excavator was called to dig up the object. The excavator wasn't able to dig up the object in one piece, but was able to show that it had a circular base with metal poles, leading to a single point at the top.
- Retool these sentences so they have more clarity, and so there's less redundancy by using "dig up the object" so close together; Being embedded six feet underwater, an excavator was called on Thursday to dig up the object. The excavator wasn't able to unearth it in one piece, but did enough to show that it had a circular base with metal poles that lead to a single point at its top.
Now, no one can really tell what this strange object actually is. One 12 year old boy said it might be an UFO. Other theories were a little less fanciful.
- These sentences are a little choppy and short, so you can combine them into one blanket statement about all the theories; this is an area where you can add bigger, more descriptive words, maybe even an exclamation; No one was able to tell what this strange object actually was; a suggestion by a 12-year-old boy was that it could be a UFO! Other theories, however, were a little less fanciful.
Archaeologist Stephen Carini had his own theory. "Well, it's not that mysterious. It's been here forever, you know," Carini told WFSB-TV. "It's been marked by a buoy for the past several years. It's a big piece of concrete and metal that they used probably as a buoy, for rescue rafts where there were ship wrecks here back then." It may be a while before the public discover what the object really is.
- Use a colon after "theory" to present the quote; use "discovers" instead of "discover"; Archaeologist Stephen Carini had his own theory: "Well, it's not that mysterious. It's been here forever, you know," Carini told WFSB-TV. "It's been marked by a buoy for the past several years. It's a big piece of concrete and metal that they used probably as a buoy, for rescue rafts where there were ship wrecks here back then." It may be a while before the public discovers what the object really is.
Mysterious Object Makes Waves on Rhode Island
People first noticed a bizarre object off the shore of Westerly, Rhode Island - which looks a little like a giant metal starfish with eight legs - several weeks ago. It was embedded in the sand about six feet underwater and on Thursday, an excavator was called to dig up the object. The excavator wasn't able to dig up the object in one piece, but was able to show that it had a circular base with metal poles, leading to a single point at the top. Now, no one can really tell what this strange object actually is. One 12 year old boy said it might be an UFO. Other theories were a little less fanciful. Archaeologist Stephen Carini had his own theory. "Well, it's not that mysterious. It's been here forever, you know," Carini told WFSB-TV. "It's been marked by a buoy for the past several years. It's a big piece of concrete and metal that they used probably as a buoy, for rescue rafts where there were ship wrecks here back then." It may be a while before the public discover what the object really is.
Fully edited article:
Mysterious Object Makes Waves On Rhode Island Beach
People first noticed a bizarre object - which looks a little like a giant metal starfish with eight legs - several weeks ago off the shore of Westerly, Rhode Island. Being embedded six feet underwater, an excavator was called on Thursday to dig up the object. The excavator wasn't able to unearth it in one piece, but did enough to show that it had a circular base with metal poles that lead to a single point at its top. No one was able to tell what this strange object actually was; a suggestion by a 12-year-old boy was that it could be a UFO! Other theories, however, were a little less fanciful. Archaeologist Stephen Carini had his own theory: "Well, it's not that mysterious. It's been here forever, you know," Carini told WFSB-TV. "It's been marked by a buoy for the past several years. It's a big piece of concrete and metal that they used probably as a buoy, for rescue rafts where there were ship wrecks here back then." It may be a while before the public discovers what the object really is.
- You need to work on: placing your descriptors right after the noun they're describing.
Edited by Sydney
Scientists Detect Mysterious Radio Signals from Deep Space
An initiative set up to find signs of intelligent life in the universe has detected a series of mysterious radio signals from a dwarf planet 3 billion light years away.
- It's important to list who the initiative was set by; Light-years should be hyphenated; An initiative set up by scientists in order to find intelligent life in the universe has detected a series of mysterious radio signals from a dwarf planet 3 billion light-years away.
Breakthrough Listen used instruments at the Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe that location over 5 hours on Saturday, detecting 15 bursts over the entire 4 to 8 Ghz frequency band, the organization said in a news release.
- Name what Breakthrough Listen is at the beginning, to give clear understanding that it's the organization in question; gigahertz is abbreviated as GHz; make sure you clarify that "over 5 hours" is the entire span of time they observed it; rephrase the sentence so it reads with more fluidity after making the first correction; The organization known as Breakthrough Listen used instruments at the Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe that location over the span of 5 hours on Saturday, detecting 15 bursts over the 4 to 8 GHz frequency band.
The organization stated that possible explanations for FRBs range from outbursts from rotating neutron starts with extremely strong magnetic fields, to more speculative ideas that they are directed energy sources used by extraterrestrial civilizations to power space craft.
- Explain what FRBs are before using an abbreviation (after that it's okay to use the abbreviation for the rest of the piece); correct "neutron starts" to "neutron stars"; "space craft" should be one word and pluralized because you're talking about more than one civilization; The organization stated that possible explanations for fast radio bursts (FRBs) range from outbursts from rotating neutron stars with extremely strong magnetic fields, to more speculative ideas that they are directed energy sources used by extraterrestrial civilizations to power spacecrafts.
Earlier this year, Harvard researchers speculated that these radio bursts could be "beams set up by extra galactic civilizations to potentially power light sails". Several other scientists have other theories on this. How they are caused remains up for debate. The organization said more information will be presented in an upcoming article to be published in a scientific journal.
- "Extra galactic" should be one word; Harvard researchers should be reworded to avoid any confusion about whether the Harvard researchers are from Harvard, or if the researchers research Harvard; be sure to enclose any periods in a quote or dialogue within the quotation marks; the second and third sentences can be joined by a semicolon since they are related ideas, and will make the paragraph six sentences long; Earlier this year, researchers from Harvard speculated that these radio bursts could be "beams set up by extragalactic civilizations to potentially power light sails." Several other scientists have other theories on this; how they are caused remains up for debate. The organization said more information will be presented in an upcoming article to be published in a scientific journal.
Scientists Detect Mysterious Radio Signals from Deep Space
An initiative set up to find signs of intelligent life in the universe has detected a series of mysterious radio signals from a dwarf planet 3 billion light years away. Breakthrough Listen used instruments at the Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe that location over 5 hours on Saturday, detecting 15 bursts over the entire 4 to 8 Ghz frequency band, the organization said in a news release. The organization stated that possible explanations for FRBs range from outbursts from rotating neutron starts with extremely strong magnetic fields, to more speculative ideas that they are directed energy sources used by extraterrestrial civilizations to power space craft. Earlier this year, Harvard researchers speculated that these radio bursts could be "beams set up by extra galactic civilizations to potentially power light sails". Several other scientists have other theories on this. How they are caused remains up for debate. The organization said more information will be presented in an upcoming article to be published in a scientific journal.
Fully edited article:
Scientists Detect Mysterious Radio Signals from Deep Space
An initiative set up by scientists in order to find intelligent life in the universe has detected a series of mysterious radio signals from a dwarf planet 3 billion light-years away. The organization known as Breakthrough Listen used instruments at the Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe that location over the span of 5 hours on Saturday, detecting 15 bursts over the 4 to 8 GHz frequency band. The organization stated that possible explanations for fast radio bursts (FRBs) range from outbursts from rotating neutron stars with extremely strong magnetic fields, to more speculative ideas that they are directed energy sources used by extraterrestrial civilizations to power spacecrafts. Earlier this year, researchers from Harvard speculated that these radio bursts could be "beams set up by extragalactic civilizations to potentially power light sails." Several other scientists have other theories on this; how they are caused remains up for debate. The organization said more information will be presented in an upcoming article to be published in a scientific journal.
- You need to work on: rewording and condensing your sentences so they read smoother, noting which words are actually one word (not two separate words), and clarifying parts of the sentences that can be confusing.
Edited by Sydney
Edits for Name
How Other Countries Deal with Net Neutrality
The Federal Communication Commision’s has a decision in December 2017. It was to change the principle of open internet also known as net neutrality. Net neutrality is the principle that internet service providers should enable access to all content and applications without favoring or blocking a website.
- Combine these first two sentences into one; no need for "'s" after Commission; The Federal Communications Commission has a decision to make in December 2017 to change the principle of open internet, known as net neutrality. Net neutrality is the principle that internet service providers should enable access to all content and applications without favoring or blocking a website.
There’s been debates on to whether to keep or deny internet freedom.
- Include "whether or not" to relate to the decision; There have been debates on whether or not to keep or deny internet freedom.
Before internet freedom there were various of issues either for blocked pages or none, the FCC came up and established the Open Internet but removing it is undoing everything from the beginning.
- This sentence reads a little choppy and needs work; you can divide it up into two separate idea sentences; Before internet freedom, there were various issues of blocked pages and even no pages being accessible to users on certain networks. To remedy this, the FCC established the Open Internet Order; to remove it would undo the very idea of net neutrality.
Therefore, there’s an undecisive decision with the removal of net neutrality in the US.
- No need for "therefore"; "indecisive"; conclude more strongly; There is still indecision on whether net neutrality should be removed in the U.S.
How Other Countries Deal with Net Neutrality
The Federal Communication Commision’s has a decision in December 2017. It was to change the principle of open internet also known as net neutrality. Net neutrality is the principle that internet service providers should enable access to all content and applications without favoring or blocking a website. There’s been debates on to whether to keep or deny internet freedom. Before internet freedom there were various of issues either for blocked pages or none, the FCC came up and established the Open Internet but removing it is undoing everything from the beginning. Therefore, there’s an undecisive decision with the removal of net neutrality in the US.
Fully edited article:
How Other Countries Deal with Net Neutrality
The Federal Communications Commission has a decision to make in December 2017 to change the principle of open internet, known as net neutrality. Net neutrality is the principle that internet service providers should enable access to all content and applications without favoring or blocking a website. There have been debates on whether or not to keep or deny internet freedom. Before internet freedom, there were various issues of blocked pages and even no pages being accessible to users on certain networks. To remedy this, the FCC established the Open Internet Order; to remove it would undo the very idea of net neutrality. There is still indecision on whether net neutrality should be removed in the U.S.
- You need to work on: making sentences less choppy, spicing up your sentences with more descriptive words, and making sure your grammar is accurate.
Edited by Sydney
Source: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/how-other-countries-deal-net-neutrality-180967558/
_ _ _ _ _
Mind Bending Parasite Permanently Quells Cat fear in Me
- Make sure if you're using the same title, that all words are correct; Mind-Bending Parasite Permanently Quells Cat Fear in Mice
There is a single celled parasite called Toxoplasama Gondii. This parasite can infect mammals meaning including humans.
- These sentences can be combined into one; don't forget to hyphenate "single-celled"; make sure you signify that the parasite is found in cats so it makes sense with the rest of the summary; There is a single-celled parasite that's found in cats, called Toxoplasma gondii, that infects mammals, including humans.
The parasite can change the behavior of the host, such as its fears as well it controls its sexual arousal of the host. This parasite can stay with the host in its whole entire life.
- These two sentences can also be combined into a list form; clarify who "its" is at the end of the sentence; The parasite can change the behavior of the host, such as its fears and sexual arousal, and stays with the host for the rest of its parasite life.
People with schizophrenia are most likely infected by this parasite.
- More info is needed for this sentence, otherwise it seems out of place; Schizophrenic humans are most likely to be infected by this parasite, as it precedes the onset of symptoms.
Therefore, this parasite is a unique yet unfavorable organism since it can lead the host to do unwanted things such as a mice going to the cat’s direction and get killed.
- Name the parasite one more time to wrap the article; rewording is needed for clarity; Toxoplasma gondii is a unique yet unfavorable organism, especially for mice, since the infection can lead a mouse right into a cat's direction for it to get killed.
Mind Bending Parasite Permanently Quells Cat fear in Me
There is a single celled parasite called Toxoplasama Gondii. This parasite can infect mammals meaning including humans. The parasite can change the behavior of the host, such as its fears as well it controls its sexual arousal of the host. This parasite can stay with the host in its whole entire life. People with schizophrenia are most likely infected by this parasite. Therefore, this parasite is a unique yet unfavorable organism since it can lead the host to do unwanted things such as a mice going to the cat’s direction and get killed.
Fully edited article:
Mind-Bending Parasite Permanently Quells Cat Fear in Mice
There is a single-celled parasite that's found in cats, called Toxoplasma gondii, that infects mammals, including humans. The parasite can change the behavior of the host, such as its fears and sexual arousal, and stays with the host for the rest of its parasite life. Schizophrenic humans are most likely to be infected by this parasite, as it precedes the onset of symptoms. Toxoplasma gondii is a unique yet unfavorable organism, especially for mice, since the infection can lead a mouse right into a cat's direction for it to get killed.
- You need to work on: reworking your sentences for clarity, providing more information so the summary makes more sense, and word choice.
Edited by Sydney
_ _ _ _ _
8 Ways that Air Pollution Can Harm Your Health
Outdoor air pollution can cause health problems to us.
- Make sure to clarify who "us" is; use "for" instead of "to"; Outdoor air pollution can cause health problems for humans.
There is an estimated amount of deaths caused by outdoor air which is about 3.3 millions death.
- Reword this sentence so it reads more clearly and presents the fact upfront; make sure you include a time frame or location with the statistic; Worldwide, 3.3 million estimated deaths are caused by outdoor air pollution.
The causes of theses death is either heart attacks or stroke and lung related issues.
- Use "are" instead of "is" because you're referring to multiple causes; use commas when describing a list; The causes of these deaths are heart attacks, strokes, or lung-related issues.
The majority of deaths were in Asia since it has severe air pollution.
- A few word choices can be made to make this sentence sound better; The majority of deaths were in Asia, which experiences severe air pollution.
There’s been studies based on the body and interaction with polluted air and it has a negative impact on the body, almost lethal. Therefore, air pollution has a negative impact on our bodies either slowing parts of the body or leading us to our death.
- These two sentences can be combined and reworded into one impactful closing line; Studies based on the body's interaction with polluted air show a negative, almost lethal, impact on the body, slowing parts of the body down or ultimately leading humans to death.
8 Ways that Air Pollution Can Harm Your Health
Outdoor air pollution can cause health problems to us. There is an estimated amount of deaths caused by outdoor air which is about 3.3 millions death. The causes of theses death is either heart attacks or stroke and lung related issues. The majority of deaths were in Asia since it has severe air pollution. There’s been studies based on the body and interaction with polluted air and it has a negative impact on the body, almost lethal. Therefore, air pollution has a negative impact on our bodies either slowing parts of the body or leading us to our death.
Fully edited article:
8 Ways that Air Pollution Can Harm Your Health
Outdoor air pollution can cause health problems for humans. Worldwide, 3.3 million estimated deaths are caused by outdoor air pollution. The causes of these deaths are heart attacks, strokes, or lung-related issues. The majority of deaths were in Asia, which experiences severe air pollution. Studies based on the body's interaction with polluted air show a negative, almost lethal, impact on the body, slowing parts of the body down or ultimately leading humans to death.
- You need to work on: word choice and sentence condensation.
Edited by Sydney
Source: https://www.livescience.com/60927-how-air-pollution-harms-health.html
A Void Inside the Great Pyramid
Due to the use of cosmic rays, a large void has been recently discovered in the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt.
- You can condense and retool this sentence for a clearer read; A large void has been recently discovered in the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt by using cosmic rays.
The Egyptology community is skeptical about it because they believe that the void could just be another hole in the pyramid from construction.
- As with the first sentence, some rephrasing can be done here; work on word choice as to how you say things; This has stirred skepticism within the Egyptology community, causing members to believe that the void could simply be another hole in the pyramid caused by construction.
Researchers found the mysterious void by using muon particles, which are formed by the reaction between cosmic rays and Earth's upper atmosphere.
- "Which are" not really needed here; Researchers found the mysterious void by using muon particles formed by the reaction between cosmic rays and Earth's upper atmosphere.
All of the methods that the researchers utilized gave the same conclusion: the empty space was in an area that was not expected at all.
- You can condense "in an area that was not expected at all"; All of the methods that the researchers utilized gave the same conclusion: the empty space was in an unexpected area.
There are two major opposing views on the appearance of the void.
- Use "viewpoints" instead of "views" because it's the filter for the information and the perspective from which the view is taken; There are two major opposing viewpoints on the appearance of the void.
Some, like the Egyptologist Hanna, say the pyramids can be studied more in-depth through non-destructive methods.
- It's important to list the first and last name of someone important to the article, especially if you're introducing them for the first time; Some, like Egyptoligist Monica Hanna, say the pyramids can be studied more in-depth through non-destructive methods.
Others are more dismissive and disagree by saying that the void has nothing to do with secret rooms or chambers, and it's probably just an irregularity.
- Don't need to use "and" here; state what the others are dismissive of; could benefit by conjoining these thoughts with a semicolon; Others are more dismissive of this theory and disagree, saying that the void has nothing to do with secret rooms or chambers; it's probably just and irregularity.
Either way, in order to be completely sure about the significance of the void, there needs to be further research and investigations.
- Using "either way" makes the summary sound less professional; reword this sentence so it fits better with the other sentences and has a less dismissive tone; Further research and investigations are needed in order to be completely sure about the significance of the void.
A Void Inside the Great Pyramid
Due to the use of cosmic rays, a large void has been recently discovered in the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt. The Egyptology community is skeptical about it because they believe that the void could just be another hole in the pyramid from construction. Researchers found the mysterious void by using muon particles, which are formed by the reaction between cosmic rays and Earth's upper atmosphere. All of the methods that the researchers utilized gave the same conclusion: the empty space was in an area that was not expected at all. There are two major opposing views on the appearance of the void. Some, like the Egyptologist Hanna, say the pyramids can be studied more in-depth through non-destructive methods. Others are more dismissive and disagree by saying that the void has nothing to do with secret rooms or chambers, and it's probably just an irregularity. Either way, in order to be completely sure about the significance of the void, there needs to be further research and investigations.
Fully edited article:
A Void Inside the Great Pyramid
A large void has been recently discovered in the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt by using cosmic rays. This has stirred skepticism within the Egyptology community, causing members to believe that the void could simply be another hole in the pyramid caused by construction. Researchers found the mysterious void by using muon particles formed by the reaction between cosmic rays and Earth's upper atmosphere. All of the methods that the researchers utilized gave the same conclusion: the empty space was in an unexpected area. There are two major opposing viewpoints on the appearance of the void. Some, like Egyptoligist Monica Hanna, say the pyramids can be studied more in-depth through non-destructive methods. Others are more dismissive of this theory and disagree, saying that the void has nothing to do with secret rooms or chambers; it's probably just and irregularity. Further research and investigations are needed in order to be completely sure about the significance of the void.
- You need to work on: word choice, specifically finding the strongest words to say your point in the least amount of space, and reworking sentences so that they read better.
Edited by Sydney
Source: https://www.livescience.com/60842-cosmic-rays-reveal-void-great-pyramid.html
Edits for Chmu
Pentagon ran secret multi-million dollar UFO programme
- You can switch up the title to make it more eye-catching; Secret Pentagon UFO Programme
The pentagon has reportedly been running a secret program that investigated the weird occurrences of UFO’s.
- Make sure to keep the same tense within sentences; no need for apostrophe in "UFO's"; capitalize important building names; The Pentagon has reportedly been running a secret program that investigates the weird occurrences of UFOs.
The C.I.A. has released “13m” pages of documents relating UFO’S.
- Make sure you write "relating to," otherwise the sentence reads funny; The C.I.A. has released “13m” pages of documents relating to UFOs.
The leader of this program was Harry Reid, a “retired Democratic senator who was the senate majority leader at the time “.
- Watch placement of closing parentheses and punctuation; capitalize branches of government; The leader of this program was Harry Reid, a "retired Democratic senator who was the senate majority leader at the time."
Furthermore, the program costed the Department of Defense more than $20 million. As a result it was shut down in order to save costs.
- No need for words like "furthermore"; "costed" should be "cost"; these sentences can be combined into one; The program cost the Department of Defense more than $20 million, and was shut down in order to save costs as a result.
In conclusion, the Pentagon has wasted a hefty amount of money in able to find about these mysterious “UFO’s”.
- This last sentence has too much opinion and can be eliminated
Pentagon ran secret multi-million dollar UFO programme
The pentagon has reportedly been running a secret program that investigated the weird occurrences of UFO’s. The C.I.A. has released “13m” pages of documents relating UFO’S. The leader of this program was Harry Reid, a “retired Democratic senator who was the senate majority leader at the time “. Furthermore, the program costed the Department of Defense more than $20 million. As a result it was shut down in order to save costs. In conclusion, the Pentagon has wasted a hefty amount of money in able to find about these mysterious “UFO’s”.
Fully edited article:
Secret Pentagon UFO Programme
The Pentagon has reportedly been running a secret program that investigates the weird occurrences of UFOs. The C.I.A. has released “13m” pages of documents relating to UFOs. The leader of this program was Harry Reid, a "retired Democratic senator who was the Senate majority leader at the time." The program cost the Department of Defense more than $20 million, and was shut down in order to save costs as a result.
- You need to work on: eliminating opinion from article summaries, capitalization, and punctuation.
Edited by Sydney
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-42379749
U.S. tax bill: Republicans agree sweeping changes
The Republicans have revealed their new tax bill, which has been "the biggest overhaul of the country's tax system in 30 years".
- Punctuation goes within quotation marks; The Republicans have revealed their new tax bill, which has been "the biggest overhaul of the country's tax system in 30 years."
One of the key (and controversial) feature of the new bill is that it reduces corporate tax from 35% to 21%, ultimately benefiting the corporate giants such as apple and google.
- The percentages part has to do with the article, the opinion on the "corporate giants" does not; One key feature of the bill is its reduction of corporate tax rates from 35% to 21%.
This tax cut, from the democrats point of view, will "favour only the rich and offer little to the middle class", it has also been confirmed that this new tax bill will add $1.4 trillion to our current $20 trillion national debt.
- Break this up into two sentences; some word choices can be made so these sentences read more clearly; watch your quote punctuation; Democrats fear the tax cut will "favour only the rich and offer little to the middle class." It has been confirmed that this new tax bill will add $1.4 trillion to the U.S.' current $20 trillion national debt.
Furthermore, Marco Rubio wasn't going to support the tax bill until they changed the child tax credit. Also Senator Corker wasn't going to approve the bill either way, momentarily stopping the process.
- These two sentences can be meshed into one; word choices can help it read more fluidly vs. choppy; Senator Marco Rubio withheld support for the tax bill until they changed the child tax credit, and Senator Bob Corker initially opposed the bill, but agreed to back it despite his reservations.
In conclusion, the new tax bill has been in turmoil every since it's been shown publicly, and that itself can hurt the legacy of the republicans.
- Too opinionated, cannot include
U.S. tax bill: Republicans agree sweeping changes
The Republicans have revealed their new tax bill, which has been "the biggest overhaul of the country's tax system in 30 years". One of the key (and controversial) feature of the new bill is that it reduces corporate tax from 35% to 21%, ultimately benefiting the corporate giants such as apple and google. This tax cut, from the democrats point of view, will "favour only the rich and offer little to the middle class", it has also been confirmed that this new tax bill will add $1.4 trillion to our current $20 trillion national debt. Furthermore, Marco Rubio wasn't going to support the tax bill until they changed the child tax credit. Also Senator Corker wasn't going to approve the bill either way, momentarily stopping the process. In conclusion, the new tax bill has been in turmoil every since it's been shown publicly, and that itself can hurt the legacy of the republicans.
Fully edited article:
U.S. tax bill: Republicans agree sweeping changes
The Republicans have revealed their new tax bill, which has been "the biggest overhaul of the country's tax system in 30 years." One key feature of the bill is its reduction of corporate tax rates from 35% to 21%. Democrats fear the tax cut will "favour only the rich and offer little to the middle class." It has been confirmed that this new tax bill will add $1.4 trillion to the U.S.' current $20 trillion national debt. Senator Marco Rubio withheld support for the tax bill until they changed the child tax credit, and Senator Bob Corker initially opposed the bill, but agreed to back it despite his reservations.
- You need to work on: quotation punctuation and keeping personal opinion out of the summaries.
Edited by Sydney
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-42375149
Zimbabwe ex-minister Chombo in court on corruption charges
Ignatius Chombo, the ex-finance minister of Zimbabwe, will soon appear in court in the city of Harare. He is currently facing charges of corruption due to his time as a local government minister more than ten years ago. He was taken into custody by the military after they took power, which was legal,
- This can be reworded so it reads a bit clearer; it's better to break the sentences up before the quote so it doesn't appear as a run-on sentence; there are a few word choices you should consider to clear up confusion of what was legal; Ignatius Chombo, the ex-finance minister of Zimbabwe, will soon appear in court in Harare city, facing charges of corruption during his time as a local government minister more than ten years ago. He was taken into custody by the military after they legally took power.
as stated by the high court, " The actions of the Zimbabwe defense forces to stop the usurping of power by those close to former president Robert Mugabe are constitutional".
- Since the sentence is broken up, watch capitalization; be careful of punctuation errors, periods belong inside quotation marks; "As stated by" is a bit too flowery; The high court stated, "The actions of the Zimbabwe defense forces to stop the usurping of power by those close to former president Robert Mugabe are constitutional."
Mr. Chombo has apparently received hospital treatment for injuries he got while in military detention. This takeover was to "prevent the sacking of Mrnangagwa" who became the president of Zimbabwe on Friday.
- No need to use "apparently" if the event happened; make sure all names are spelled correctly; a comma is needed to end the quote; Mr. Chombo has received hospital treatment for injuries he got while in military detention. This takeover was to "prevent the sacking of Mr. Mnangagwa," who became the president of Zimbabwe on Friday.
In conclusion, this is a historic day in Zimbabwe, a day that can end all corruption, and the day where the new government will be filled with people with high morals.
- This line is still a bit opinionated, take out the parts that have personal opinion; This is a historic day in Zimbabwe.
Zimbabwe ex-minister Chombo in court on corruption charges
Ignatius Chombo, the ex-finance minister of Zimbabwe, will soon appear in court in the city of Harare. He is currently facing charges of corruption due to his time as a local government minister more than ten years ago. He was taken into custody by the military after they took power, which was legal, as stated by the high court, " The actions of the Zimbabwe defense forces to stop the usurping of power by those close to former president Robert Mugabe are constitutional". Mr. Chombo has apparently received hospital treatment for injuries he got while in military detention. This takeover was to "prevent the sacking of Mrnangagwa" who became the president of Zimbabwe on Friday. In conclusion, this is a historic day in Zimbabwe, a day that can end all corruption, and the day where the new government will be filled with people with high morals.
Fully edited article:
Zimbabwe ex-minister Chombo in court on corruption charges
Ignatius Chombo, the ex-finance minister of Zimbabwe, will soon appear in court in Harare city, facing charges of corruption during his time as a local government minister more than ten years ago. He was taken into custody by the military after they legally took power. The high court stated, "The actions of the Zimbabwe defense forces to stop the usurping of power by those close to former president Robert Mugabe are constitutional." Mr. Chombo has received hospital treatment for injuries he got while in military detention. This takeover was to "prevent the sacking of Mr. Mnangagwa," who became the president of Zimbabwe on Friday. This is a historic day in Zimbabwe.
- You need to work on: Better word choices, condensing run-on sentences, and keeping opinion out of the summary.
Edited by Sydney
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-42122224
Apple has delayed the launch of its smart speaker. As written in the article, " Apple delays launch of smart speaker", the company is trying to compete with google and amazon.
- Always capitalize the larger words in an article title; always capitalize company names; keep commas within any quotation marks; Apple has delayed the launch of its smart speaker. As written in the article "Apple Delays Launch of Smart Speaker," the company is trying to compete with Google and Amazon.
As stated in the article, "The electronics giant said the device, which was due to be released in December this year, still needed development work.It said the HomePod would be ready to go on shop shelves in the US, UK and Australia "early in 2018". The news is a blow to its plans to take on rivals Amazon and Google in the growing market for home devices that use AI to help consumers."
- If you write a quote within a quote, you only need the single quotation mark, not the double; try mixing up the phrase "As stated in the article," because you use it frequently and it's too repetitive; The article states, "The electronics giant said the device, which was due to be released in December this year, still needed development work. It said the HomePod would be ready to go on shops shelves in the U.S., UK, and Australia 'early in 2018.' The news is a blow to its plans to take on rivals Amazon and Google in the growing market for home devices that use AI to help consumers."
In other words its trying to be in the new wave of technology in order to get money ( by making it very expensive). Furthermore, this delay can cost apple greatly.
- This first statement comes off as opinionated, it should be taken out so as to not be controversial; use "could" in the second sentence since it's talking about a future event; no need for "furthermore"; capitalize company names; This delay could cost Apple greatly.
As stated in the article, "In a statement sent to news organizations, Apple said the wireless speaker needed "a little more time before it's ready for our customers".The delay will mean Apple misses the lucrative holiday season during which many consumers buy gadgets as gifts.The gadget was first unveiled in June this year when Apple said it would go on sale in the US for $349 (£265). In the UK it was expected to cost £350."
- Mix up "As stated in the article" again; make sure you're using spaces between each sentence; Continued in the article, "In a statement sent to news organizations, Apple said the wireless speaker needed 'a little more time before it's ready for our customers.' The delay will mean Apple misses the lucrative holiday season during which many consumers but gadgets as gifts. The gadget was first unveiled in June this year when Apple said it would go on sale in the U.S. for $349 (£265). In the UK, it was expected to cost £350."
This can cost apple the opportunity to make a lot of cash, in a way this shows how the company cares about the quality of their products rather than just releasing and hope they do good just because the apple symbol is smacked right into it.
- Eliminate this sentence, as it has nothing to do with the article and is all opinion
Anyways, the article also states,"Like them it was designed to play music and act as a hands-free helper letting owners set timers, maintain shopping lists and get reports about the news, weather and other subjects.Since Apple unveiled the HomePod both Google and Amazon have added new models to their ranges of smart speakers, intensifying the competition with Apple."
- Mix up "the article states" once more; using "anyways" comes off as unprofessional and disinterested; The article concludes, "Like them it was designed to play music and act as a hands-free helper letting owners set timers, maintain shopping lists and get reports about the news, weather and other subjects.Since Apple unveiled the HomePod both Google and Amazon have added new models to their ranges of smart speakers, intensifying the competition with Apple."
Apple has delayed the launch of its smart speaker. As written in the article, " Apple delays launch of smart speaker", the company is trying to compete with google and amazon. As stated in the article, "The electronics giant said the device, which was due to be released in December this year, still needed development work.It said the HomePod would be ready to go on shop shelves in the US, UK and Australia "early in 2018". The news is a blow to its plans to take on rivals Amazon and Google in the growing market for home devices that use AI to help consumers." In other words its trying to be in the new wave of technology in order to get money ( by making it very expensive). Furthermore, this delay can cost apple greatly. As stated in the article, "In a statement sent to news organizations, Apple said the wireless speaker needed "a little more time before it's ready for our customers".The delay will mean Apple misses the lucrative holiday season during which many consumers buy gadgets as gifts.The gadget was first unveiled in June this year when Apple said it would go on sale in the US for $349 (£265). In the UK it was expected to cost £350." This can cost apple the opportunity to make a lot of cash, in a way this shows how the company cares about the quality of their products rather than just releasing and hope they do good just because the apple symbol is smacked right into it. Anyways, the article also states,"Like them it was designed to play music and act as a hands-free helper letting owners set timers, maintain shopping lists and get reports about the news, weather and other subjects.Since Apple unveiled the HomePod both Google and Amazon have added new models to their ranges of smart speakers, intensifying the competition with Apple."
Fully edited article:
Apple Delays Launch of Smart Speaker
Apple has delayed the launch of its smart speaker. As written in the article "Apple Delays Launch of Smart Speaker," the company is trying to compete with Google and Amazon. The article states, "The electronics giant said the device, which was due to be released in December this year, still needed development work. It said the HomePod would be ready to go on shops shelves in the U.S., UK, and Australia 'early in 2018.' The news is a blow to its plans to take on rivals Amazon and Google in the growing market for home devices that use AI to help consumers." This delay could cost Apple greatly. Continued in the article, "In a statement sent to news organizations, Apple said the wireless speaker needed 'a little more time before it's ready for our customers.' The delay will mean Apple misses the lucrative holiday season during which many consumers but gadgets as gifts. The gadget was first unveiled in June this year when Apple said it would go on sale in the U.S. for $349 (£265). In the UK, it was expected to cost £350." The article concludes, "Like them it was designed to play music and act as a hands-free helper letting owners set timers, maintain shopping lists and get reports about the news, weather and other subjects.Since Apple unveiled the HomePod both Google and Amazon have added new models to their ranges of smart speakers, intensifying the competition with Apple."
- You need to work on: providing a source (an actual link to the article), keeping personal opinion out of the summary, and summarizing the article in your own words, not just pulling quotes without much further explanation.
Edited by Sydney
