Industrial Child Labor in America
The first Industrial Revolution of the 18th century brought many impactful changes in society, especially an increase in job openings.
- There was no need to have both "significant" and "impactful" so I removed one. I also removed "about" because that was not needed as well.;The first Industrial Revolution of the 18th century brought about many significant and impactful changes in society, especially an increase in job openings.
However, this also included bringing children into the workforce as laborers.
- Here, I removed "in" and made "into."; However, this also included bringing in children to the workforce as laborers.
This was mostly due to children being more "appealing" to hire than adults since they required lower wages.
- I believe you meant to say "children" instead of "child." I also removed a few words from the sentence to make it briefer.; This was mostly due to the fact that child were more "appealing" to hire than adults since they would require lower wages.
Also, their small sizes let them do things most adults wouldn't be able to.
Plus, some thought children were easier to control and manage.
- I just removed "even" here. It doesn't help the sentence.; Plus, some even thought children were easier to control and manage.
This era of child labor introduced the National Child Labor Committee, which was formed to end child labor.
- Most people would know that this period was horrifying or some may not think so, therefore I removed the word. I also changed the wording of the sentence to make it match the removal of "horrifying."; This era of child labor was horrifying, so the National Child Labor Committee formed to try putting a stop to this.
They had investigators find and collect evidence to prove the harsh conditions that children were being forced into.
One investigator, Lewis Hine, had a goal set to make the public aware of and speak up against the exploitation of many innocent children.
The photographs he captured gradually caught the attention of a lot of people, along with reforms by the Committee like the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938.
Although changes were not immediate, the children eventually got their rights and freedom back.
https://www.history.com/news/child-labor-lewis-hine-photos Edited by Michael Morrow
Interesting topic to write on. Try to stay away from adjectives and being wordy.
Industrial Child Labor in America
The first Industrial Revolution of the 18th century brought many impactful changes in society, especially an increase in job openings. However, this also included bringing children into the workforce as laborers. This was mostly due to children being more "appealing" to hire than adults since they required lower wages. Also, their small sizes let them do things most adults wouldn't be able to. Plus, some thought children were easier to control and manage. This era of child labor introduced the National Child Labor Committee, which was formed to end child labor. They had investigators find and collect evidence to prove the harsh conditions that children were being forced into. One investigator, Lewis Hine, had a goal set to make the public aware of and speak up against the exploitation of many innocent children. The photographs he captured gradually caught the attention of a lot of people, along with reforms by the Committee like the Fair Labor Standards Act of 1938. Although changes were not immediate, the children eventually got their rights and freedom back.
https://www.history.com/news/child-labor-lewis-hine-photos
Upcoming Meteor Showers
NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) and the Space Science Telescope Institute predict that a meteor shower, called The Lyrid, will be able to be seen in the Northern Hemisphere Sunday morning, April 22nd.
- Here, I cut back on words in this sentence because of it so long. For example, the shower being "active" is already implied since it could be seen.; NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) and the Space Science Telescope Institute predict that a meteor shower, called The Lyrid, will be active and able to be seen in the Northern Hemisphere this Sunday morning, April 22nd.
The Lyrid occurs annually when Earth travels through a dust and debris trail left behind by Comet Thatcher, icy rock.
- I thought it was fitting that the word order be changed here. Plus, word changes are made as well. Be sure to always capitalize the name of planets.; The Lyrid occurs annually when the earth goes through a dust and debris trail from an icy rock, Comet Thatcher.
Also, NASA forecasts many other events occurring around this period.
- Here, I switched "NASA" and "also" around for a smoother transition.; NASA also forecasts many other events occurring around this period.
For instance, Jupiter will rise in the east before the Lyrid comes into view for the U.S.
- Here, I removed "viewers" and added "for instance" to coincide with the sentence prior suggesting examples would be provided. "For example" could be used instead of "for instance."; Jupiter will rise in the east before the Lyrid comes in view to U.S. viewers.
Mars and Saturn will also join before dawn, along with the constellation Leo.
There will be a lot to look out for in the sky this weekend.
https://www.space.com/40345-lyrid-meteor-shower-peak-2018.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Be sure to remember that planets are always capitalized.
Upcoming Meteor Showers
NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory (JPL) and the Space Science Telescope Institute predict that a meteor shower, called The Lyrid, will be able to be seen in the Northern Hemisphere Sunday morning, April 22nd. The Lyrid occurs annually when Earth travels through a dust and debris trail left behind by Comet Thatcher, icy rock. Also, NASA forecasts many other events occurring around this period. For instance, Jupiter will rise in the east before the Lyrid comes into view for the U.S. Mars and Saturn will also join before dawn, along with the constellation Leo. There will be a lot to look out for in the sky this weekend.
https://www.space.com/40345-lyrid-meteor-shower-peak-2018.html
A Data Glitch Caused by Ravens
- Here, I thought it could've been a little more specific.; A Glitch Caused by Ravens
At the Advanced Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory (LIGO), there was an unexpected data defect coming from a gravitational wave detector.
Scientists were able to notice that there was a wave that did not resemble normal gravitational waves.
- I removed "here" because it was not needed.; Scientists here were able to notice that there was a wave that did not resemble normal gravitational waves.
It turned out that this was caused by ravens on the detector that were trying to get shaved ice.
The sounds of their pecking on one of the detectors were caught on tape.
- I changed the verb tense from "was" to "were."; The sounds of their pecking on one of the detectors was caught on tape.
Their footprints and locations showed that, apparently, the ravens were thirsty.
- I removed the space between "thirsty" and the period.; Their footprints and locations showed that, apparently, the ravens were thirsty .
This was most likely due to the heat in the desert.
Now, the detector has been alternatively setup to avoid this event from occurring again in the future.
https://www.sciencenews.org/article/how-ravens-caused-ligo-data-glitch Edited by Michael Morrow
A Data Glitch Caused by Ravens
At the Advanced Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory (LIGO), there was an unexpected data defect coming from a gravitational wave detector. Scientists were able to notice that there was a wave that did not resemble normal gravitational waves. It turned out that this was caused by ravens on the detector that were trying to get shaved ice. The sounds of their pecking on one of the detectors were caught on tape. Their footprints and locations showed that, apparently, the ravens were thirsty. This was most likely due to the heat in the desert. Now, the detector has been alternatively setup to avoid this event from occurring again in the future.
https://www.sciencenews.org/article/how-ravens-caused-ligo-data-glitch
The Evolving Colors of a Butterfly
- I added "the" because, without it, the title seemed incomplete.; Evolving Colors of a Butterfly
The blue morpho butterfly has the popular known for being a beautiful insect.
- I removed "vote" because it gives the idea that there was an actual vote. I was actually looking for a study saying that in the article.;The blue morpho butterfly has the popular vote on being a beautiful insect.
It has wings that flash a shade of blue, making it seem like they are glowing.
- There was no need to include the word "color," so I removed it.; It has wings that flash a shade of blue color, making it seem like they are glowing.
The truth is that this "glow" is produced by changing the direction of incoming light, which plays a trick on our eyes.
Scientists are curious to find out how long butterflies and similar insects had their different hues of flashy colors.
A study on modern butterfly wings showed that the structures move from simple to complex and the structural color is something that has been evolving for millions of years.
- Here, I just polished the sentence up. I removed the comma word "very." I changed "complicated" to "complex."; A study on modern butterfly wings showed that the structures go from simple to very complicated, and the structural color is something that has been evolving for millions of years.
The closest relative of this butterfly that is still alive is the micropterigidae, a primitive moth.
Although this moth has more dull colors, it is what started the evolution leading to the colors of butterflies like the blue morph.
https://www.popsci.com/butterfly-fossil-wing-color#page-3 Edited by Michael Morrow
Good job on the summary and I thought the topic was interesting.
The Evolving Colors of a Butterfly
The blue morpho butterfly has the popular known for being a beautiful insect. It has wings that flash a shade of blue, making it seem like they are glowing. The truth is that this "glow" is produced by changing the direction of incoming light, which plays a trick on our eyes. Scientists are curious to find out how long butterflies and similar insects had their different hues of flashy colors. A study on modern butterfly wings showed that the structures move from simple to complex and the structural color is something that has been evolving for millions of years. The closest relative of this butterfly that is still alive is the micropterigidae, a primitive moth. Although this moth has more dull colors, it is what started the evolution leading to the colors of butterflies like the blue morph.
https://www.popsci.com/butterfly-fossil-wing-color#page-3
Studying and Sleeping More Can Make You Happier
A study done by the USC Viterbi School of Engineering's Information Sciences Institute showed that students who don't procrastinate as much are happier than those who party and pull all-nighters.
In addition to having higher academic performances, they had a higher overall satisfaction with their lives.
The researchers were able to collect their data on the students by using monitored readings from mobile sensors.
Smartphones can sense light, sound, location, and sleeping patterns aid researchers in producing effective interpretations of students' behaviors and schedules.
- Here, I wanted to shorten and simplify the sentence especially since this is supposed to be a summary.; Smartphones are able to sense light, sound, movements, location, and sleeping patterns which can aid scientists and researchers in producing effective interpretations on students' behaviors and sleeping/ socializing schedules.
This study resulted in consistent data proving that students with better GPAs spent more time at the library, did not relax a lot, and went to sleep before midnight. However, students with lower GPAs stayed up past midnight and spent more of their time relaxing before getting to their work.
- Here, the sentence was too long by itself, so I split it into two parts. I also changed some word choice in the sentences. Instead of "poorer," I used "lower."; This study resulted in consistent data proving that students with better GPAs spent more time at the library, did not relax a lot, and went to sleep before midnight while students with poorer GPAs stayed up past midnight and spent more of their time relaxing and having fun before even getting to their work.
The USC researchers hope to find more evidence supporting the fact that more productivity leads to happiness and satisfaction.
- The ending of this sentence was switched. The main idea of the article was to show how when students have success in school, they have satisfaction over their lives. It is important to keep that idea.; The USC researchers hope to find more evidence supporting the fact that happiness and satisfaction leads to more productivity.
https://phys.org/news/2018-04-students-dont-schooltheyre-happier.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Be more careful of how to say things. Before the revision, the last sentence almost controdicted your whole piece. So, pay close attention to word order and details like that.
Studying and Sleeping More Can Make You Happier
A study done by the USC Viterbi School of Engineering's Information Sciences Institute showed that students who don't procrastinate as much are happier than those who party and pull all-nighters. In addition to having higher academic performances, they had a higher overall satisfaction with their lives. The researchers were able to collect their data on the students by using monitored readings from mobile sensors. Smartphones can sense light, sound, location, and sleeping patterns aid researchers in producing effective interpretations of students' behaviors and schedules. This study resulted in consistent data proving that students with better GPAs spent more time at the library, did not relax a lot, and went to sleep before midnight. However, students with lower GPAs stayed up past midnight and spent more of their time relaxing before getting to their work. The USC researchers hope to find more evidence supporting the fact that more productivity leads to happiness and satisfaction.
https://phys.org/news/2018-04-students-dont-schooltheyre-happier.html
A Crack in Kenya's Great Rift Valley
- I thought it would be helpful to add the name of the valley for specificity.; A Crack In Kenya's Valley
During March of 2018, there was heavy rainfall in a region near Nairobi, Kenya.
After this period, there was a huge crack exposed on the road.
This crack is a part of the Great Rift Valley, specifically the East African Rift.
The rift is made up of two other rifts that are associated with volcanoes.
- Here, I changed word choice in the sentence. I changed “this” to “the” and “spotted” to “associated.”; This rift is made up of two other rifts that are spotted with volcanoes.
The rifts have been expanding while two tectonic plates, inside, move apart from each other.
- I wanted to be specific, so I added “The rifts.” And made “inside” an appositive.; They have been expanding as two tectonic plates inside move apart from each other.
The two plates are expected to separate completely and form their own land masses in about 50 million years.
Although this is a long time, the people living in this area will still be able to feel the effects of the gradual separation.
However, the crack in the East African Rift is being used as a road again by filling it with concrete and rocks.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2018/04/east-african-great-rift-valley-crack-spd/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Good job on the summary. Remember to try to be more specific.
A Crack in Kenya's Great Rift Valley
During March of 2018, there was heavy rainfall in a region near Nairobi, Kenya. After this period, there was a huge crack exposed on the road. This crack is a part of the Great Rift Valley, specifically the East African Rift. The rift is made up of two other rifts that are associated with volcanoes. The rifts have been expanding while two tectonic plates, inside, move apart from each other. The two plates are expected to separate completely and form their own land masses in about 50 million years. Although this is a long time, the people living in this area will still be able to feel the effects of the gradual separation. However, the crack in the East African Rift is being used as a road again by filling it with concrete and rocks.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2018/04/east-african-great-rift-valley-crack-spd/
Searching for Life Beyond Earth
Scientists have gone to great extents trying to find extraterrestrial life.
- In the order you have this sentence set up, it is hard to follow. This can be fixed by swapping what comes before and after the comma.; Trying to find extraterrestrial life, scientists have gone to great extents.
Mars was found to have features hinting at liquid water, which is necessary for living things.
The moons of Saturn and Jupiter also hint at possible life in the oceans that are below their crusts.
Recently, scientists started searching for life in the clouds of Venus.
It's known that life on Earth can exist in acidic conditions, feed on carbon dioxide, and make sulfuric acid, all of which were found in Venus' atmosphere.
However, the conditions on the surface of Venus are not ideal for living, such as extremely high temperatures.
On the other hand, dark patches in the clouds of Venus were observed to have particles with similar characteristics to bacteria on Earth.
So, in order to gain more information, scientists and researchers are planning on exploring Venus even further.
- I thought "so" would give a smoother transition. Without it, the sentence seems abrupt.; In order to gain more information, scientists and researchers are planning on exploring Venus even further.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/03/180330171302.htm Edited by Michael Morrow
You did a very good job on this summary.
Searching for Life Beyond Earth
Scientists have gone to great extents trying to find extraterrestrial life. Mars was found to have features hinting at liquid water, which is necessary for living things. The moons of Saturn and Jupiter also hint at possible life in the oceans that are below their crusts. Recently, scientists started searching for life in the clouds of Venus. It's known that life on Earth can exist in acidic conditions, feed on carbon dioxide, and make sulfuric acid, all of which were found in Venus' atmosphere. However, the conditions on the surface of Venus are not ideal for living, such as extremely high temperatures. On the other hand, dark patches in the clouds of Venus were observed to have particles with similar characteristics to bacteria on Earth. So, in order to gain more information, scientists and researchers are planning on exploring Venus even further.
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/03/180330171302.htm
Easter Eggs and Cherry Trees in the U.S. during WWII
1941 was the last Easter celebration before the United States entered World War II.
Even though the U.S. was neutral during this period, it was not unusual to see terrors facing the world in Easter egg decorations.
- A article needed to be added before "U.S."; Even though U.S. was neutral during this time period, it was not unusual to see terrors facing the world in Easter egg decorations.
For example, there were eggs with the face of Hitler on them that many people were willing to smash.
Evidence of Easter eggs can be dated back to the time of King Edward I of Great Britain, who gave his royal court members colored eggs as Easter gifts.
Another symbol in the U.S. is the cherry tree in Washington D.C., which was adopted from Japan.
- I added a period behind "U.S." I removed "significant" because I thought it really was not needed for this statement.; Another significant symbol in the U.S is the cherry tree in Washington D.C., which was adopted from Japan.
Japan offered to donate 2,000 of these trees to D.C during the late 1930s, however, they soon became opponents during World War II.
- I thought these two sentences could be combined. The sentences work well together enough to be put together.; Japan had even offered to donate 2,000 of these trees to D.C during the late 1930s. Unfortunately, they soon became opponents during an upcoming deadly war.
https://www.history.com/news/easter-eggs-hitler-wwii Edited by Michael Morrow
Good job on the summary! Be sure to do a final proofread before submitting, which includes reading your work aloud.
Easter Eggs and Cherry Trees in the U.S. during WWII
1941 was the last Easter celebration before the United States entered World War II. Even though the U.S. was neutral during this period, it was not unusual to see terrors facing the world in Easter egg decorations. For example, there were eggs with the face of Hitler on them that many people were willing to smash. Evidence of Easter eggs can be dated back to the time of King Edward I of Great Britain, who gave his royal court members colored eggs as Easter gifts. Another symbol in the U.S. is the cherry tree in Washington D.C., which was adopted from Japan. Japan offered to donate 2,000 of these trees to D.C during the late 1930s, however, they soon became opponents during World War II.
https://www.history.com/news/easter-eggs-hitler-wwii
Debate on Cracking Knuckles
Although knuckle-cracking has existed for all human history, researchers are not certain about how and why this happens.
- Here, I removed and replaced a few words. I thought it was important to add what kind of history because you can't say "all of history" when humans did not exist in all of history.; Although knuckle-cracking has been around for all of history, researchers still are not certain about how and why this happens.
While one scientific paper says that knuckle-cracking occurs due to the popping of air bubbles in the fluid around our joints, another paper states that it occurs due to the formation of these air bubbles.
- I thought it would be best not to have two "states" in one sentence.; While one scientific paper states that knuckle-cracking occurs due to the popping of air bubbles in the fluid around our joints, another paper states that it occurs due to the formation of these air bubbles.
The formation of the bubbles is a process known as cavitation.
Researchers put an expert knuckle cracker into an MRI machine and investigated the procedure.
- Here, I said what kind of machine it was. I removed "whole" and italicized "expert." How can one be an expert knuckle cracker?;Researchers put an expert knuckle cracker into a machine and investigated the whole procedure.
Their results showed that the sound of cracking knuckles occurred consistently with the creation of the cavitation bubbles.
However, this result was not trusted completely.
- I assume you meant to say "completely" instead of "completed."; However, this result was not trusted completed.
Therefore, the researchers formulated a mathematical model to describe the precision of steps that happen when a joint pop.
- I changed "researches" to "researchers."; Therefore, the researches formulated a mathematical model to describe the precision of steps that happen when a joint pops.
This is one of the first mathematical models to lead to answering why our knuckles crack.
https://www.livescience.com/62172-knuckle-cracking-debate.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Debate on Cracking Knuckles
Although knuckle-cracking has existed for all human history, researchers are not certain about how and why this happens. While one scientific paper says that knuckle-cracking occurs due to the popping of air bubbles in the fluid around our joints, another paper states that it occurs due to the formation of these air bubbles. The formation of the bubbles is a process known as cavitation. Researchers put an expert knuckle cracker into an MRI machine and investigated the procedure. Their results showed that the sound of cracking knuckles occurred consistently with the creation of the cavitation bubbles. However, this result was not trusted completely. Therefore, the researchers formulated a mathematical model to describe the precision of steps that happen when a joint pop. This is one of the first mathematical models to lead to answering why our knuckles crack.
https://www.livescience.com/62172-knuckle-cracking-debate.html
China's Smartphone Market Growth Ends
- I changed the summary title from being the same as the article title. Try your create your own unique titles. And remember that in titles, you need to capitalize every word except for articles, prepositions, and conjunctions.; China's eight-year-long smartphone growth comes to an end
China's eight-year smartphone growth has now ended.
- Here, I made the sentence shorter. I was able to say your 13 words in less than ten. Be aware that it is okay to be simple at times. Especially in some of these summaries.; China has now ended it's smartphone growth that has lasted for eight years
According to Mo Jia, a research analyst, has stated that consumers have upgraded from basic phones to entry-level phones considering the fact that they don't need them.
- I removed the extra space from behind "Jia." I corrected the spelling of "analyst," added a hyphen between "entry" and "level," and added an apostrophe in "don't."; According to Mo Jia , a research anaylyst, has stated that consumers have upgraded from basic phones to entry level phones considering the fact that they dont need them.
Also, Jia says that market has "gone from a 'change' market to a 'stop' market."
- Here, I directly added the quote from the article and Jia.; He also quotes that the market went from being a change market to a stop market.
This made the Chinese market saturated with Apple and Samsung products.
- I corrected the spelling of "Chinese." Remember that any nationality, country, city, or town is to always be capitalized. I thought the second half of the sentence was awkward so I revised it and removed "very" as well.
- This made the chinnese market very saturated, which now consists of Apple and Samsung.
Huawei, Oppo, and Vivo, smartphone brands based in China, are now longing to expand to new parts of the world.
- I added the Oxford comma behind "Oppo." I added the phrase "smartphone brands based in China" because to most readers, they would not know another countries smartphone brands unless it is a wide as Apple or Samsung.; Huawei, Oppo and Vivo are now longing to expand their brands to new parts of the world.
The Chinese smartphone market has been reported to decline more in the coming years.
- I corrected "Chinese." I removed "even" and "up" because they were not needed.; The chinnese smartphone market has been reported to decline even more in the upcoming years.
http://www.bbc.com/news/business-42830375 Edited by Michael Morrow
Try your create your own unique titles. And remember that in titles, you need to capitalize every word except for articles, prepositions, and conjunctions. If you have a program like Microsoft Word or Grammarly available, try typing your summaries on there before posting them. These programs will catch most mistakes like spelling and punctuation. I believe Google Docs works in the same manner, too.
China's Smartphone Market Growth Ends
China's eight-year smartphone growth has now ended. According to Mo Jia, a research analyst, has stated that consumers have upgraded from basic phones to entry-level phones considering the fact that they don't need them. Also, Jia says that market has "gone from a 'change' market to a 'stop' market." This made the Chinese market saturated with Apple and Samsung products. Huawei, Oppo, and Vivo, smartphone brands based in China, are now longing to expand to new parts of the world. The Chinese smartphone market has been reported to decline more in the coming years.
http://www.bbc.com/news/business-42830375
Whistling Caterpillars
When a caterpillar is in danger, it obviously cannot yell like a human would.
- I think just having either "scream" or "yell" is fine, but not both.; When a caterpillar is in danger, it obviously cannot yell or scream like a human would.
Instead, it gives off a "crackling buzz" from its mouth, resembling the sound of a tea kettle.
Many insects can make noises and have evolved the ways in which they produce these noises.
- I removed the comma and "they." Also, I replaced "are capable of making" with the simpler "can make."; Many insects are capable of making noises, and they have evolved the ways in which they produce these noises.
In a study that tested this theory, it was confirmed that caterpillars used their mouths to make "threatening" noises to their predators.
This was seen in a caterpillar's body, which has two chambers.
The alarming sound is created by forcing air in a cycle through the guts and the chambers.
- I changed "alarmed" to "alarming."; The alarmed sound is created by forcing air in a cycle through the guts and the chambers.
Scientists are now curious as to how this mechanism works and how it came to be.
http://blogs.discovermagazine.com/inkfish/2018/03/23/to-scare-off-predators-caterpillar-whistles-like-a-kettle/#.WrWpOmaZNmA Edited by Michael Morrow
Remember that commas only go before "and" when you are listing things. Otherwise, it should not be there.
Whistling Caterpillars
When a caterpillar is in danger, it obviously cannot yell like a human would. Instead, it gives off a "crackling buzz" from its mouth, resembling the sound of a tea kettle. Many insects can make noises and have evolved the ways in which they produce these noises. In a study that tested this theory, it was confirmed that caterpillars used their mouths to make "threatening" noises to their predators. This was seen in a caterpillar's body, which has two chambers. The alarming sound is created by forcing air in a cycle through the guts and the chambers. Scientists are now curious as to how this mechanism works and how it came to be.
Problems with Owning a Flat-Faced Dog
- The title could have been more detailed and give information about what the article is. The revised article does this job.;Flat-Faced Dog
Flat-faced dogs, like pugs and bulldogs, have been appealing to many around the world.
- I thought it was important to name at least two dogs that fall into this category. This gives the reader a better idea and picture of what kind of dog you are talking about.; Flat-faced dogs have been appealing to many around the world.
These dogs are the outcome of multiple breeding selections.
- Since you are using "result" more than once, I decided to replace this one with "outcome" to avoid repetitiveness. I removed "and so the dogs are able to keep their youthful appearance" because I did not see how it helped the writing and I do not see how this conclusion was made by reading the article.; These dogs are the results of multiple breeding selections, and so the dogs are able to keep their youthful appearance.
Because of these experiments, the dogs face many problems.
- I removed "as a result" and replaced it with more concise language.; As a result of these experiments, the dogs face many problems.
For example, the dogs may have an obstruction in the respiratory tract that will require surgery.
The dogs have a lower physical capability than other dogs due to overheating and breathing complications.
- Here, I added why the dogs have a lower capability.; These dogs even have a lower physical capability than other dogs.
Scientists even say that these dogs die sooner than other dogs of their size.
Animal welfare groups have raised many concerns about this. For example, the British Veterinary Association had issued out a statement telling people to not buy flat-faced dogs.
- I decided to split this sentence instead of having one long sentence.; Animal welfare groups have raised many concerns about this and the British Veterinary Association had issued out a statement telling people to not buy flat-faced dogs.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/is-it-wrong-to-own-a-flat-faced-dog Edited by Michael Morrow
Be sure to have detailed titles so readers will have a better idea on what the article is on.
Problems with Owning a Flat-Faced Dog
Flat-faced dogs, like pugs and bulldogs, have been appealing to many around the world. These dogs are the outcome of multiple breeding selections. Because of these experiments, the dogs face many problems. For example, the dogs may have an obstruction in the respiratory tract that will require surgery. The dogs have a lower physical capability than other dogs due to overheating and breathing complications. Scientists even say that these dogs die sooner than other dogs of their size. Animal welfare groups have raised many concerns about this. For example, the British Veterinary Association had issued out a statement telling people to not buy flat-faced dogs.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/is-it-wrong-to-own-a-flat-faced-dog
Saving Birds from Wind Turbines
Wind turbines are the reason for about 350,000 bird deaths annually.
When birds fly, they usually focus on the ground below to navigate and don't expect to crash into anything at high elevations.
- Here, I removed some words that made it and added a comma.; When birds fly they usually focus on the ground below them to navigate, so they don't expect to crash into anything at high elevations.
A solution that scientists have come up with for this is an acoustic lighthouse.
This is a speaker near a turbine that plays a high-pitched sound when a bird comes too close to it.
- I removed "basically" because it was not needed.; This is basically a speaker near a turbine that plays a high-pitched sound when a bird comes too close to it.
The noise is supposed to surprise the bird, making it fly upwards and away from that direction.
An experiment using these speakers was performed and it turned out that they made an impact.
- Here I removed "actually" because it was not needed.; An experiment using these speakers was performed and it turned out that they actually made an impact.
The acoustic lighthouses caused some birds to change their course of flight, while others just slowed down.
Scientists and researchers hope these devices will hopefully decrease the number of bird deaths due to wind turbines.
https://www.popularmechanics.com/science/animals/a19448742/an-acoustic-lighthouse-could-save-birds-from-flying-into-wind-turbines/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Good job on the summary, but try to avoid wordiness.
Saving Birds from Wind Turbines
Wind turbines are the reason for about 350,000 bird deaths annually. When birds fly, they usually focus on the ground below to navigate and don't expect to crash into anything at high elevations. A solution that scientists have come up with for this is an acoustic lighthouse. This is a speaker near a turbine that plays a high-pitched sound when a bird comes too close to it. The noise is supposed to surprise the bird, making it fly upwards and away from that direction. An experiment using these speakers was performed and it turned out that they made an impact. The acoustic lighthouses caused some birds to change their course of flight, while others just slowed down. Scientists and researchers hope these devices will hopefully decrease the number of bird deaths due to wind turbines.
United Kingdom's Economy Surpasses Predictions in Growth
- I revised the title to give it a different spin from the original title.; UK economic growth exceeds forecasts, ONS says
The U.K. has seen an enormous amount of economic growth during the past months that have not been foreseen.
- I corrected the spelling of "enormous." I put in some different words. Instead of "forecast, I used "foreseen" and omitted the word after it.; The U.K. has seen an enourmous amount of economic growth during these past months that have not been forecasted before.
Economists only forecasted 0.4% growth in December, but it is now reported that it will have uneven growth.
- I added a comma to the sentence.; Economists only forecasted 0.4% growth in December but it is now reported that it will have uneven growth.
The economy was boosted by services that include "recruitment agencies, letting agents and office management".
This caused for manufacturing to grow stronger.
Economist, Ben Brettel, points out that the growth is "anaemic" and doubts that "there would be more than one rate rise this year".
- Here, I removed "but" from the beginning and added commas around Ben's. I removed "he" and changed the verb form of "doubt.";But economist Ben Brettel points out that the growth is "anemic" and he doubted that "there would be more than one rate rise this year".
The U.K.'s economy has been having an interesting year.
- Some may find the use of bipolar offensive, seeing that it is a mental illness.; The U.K. has been having a bipolar year.
http://www.bbc.com/news/business-42831655 Edited by Michael Morrow
Avoid using the same title as the articles you read. Try not to use mental illnesses in the way that you did in writings.
United Kingdom's Economy Surpasses Predictions in Growth
The U.K. has seen an enormous amount of economic growth during the past months that have not been foreseen. Economists only forecasted 0.4% growth in December, but it is now reported that it will have uneven growth. The economy was boosted by services that include "recruitment agencies, letting agents and office management". This caused for manufacturing to grow stronger. Economist, Ben Brettel, points out that the growth is "anemic" and doubts that "there would be more than one rate rise this year". The U.K.'s economy has been having an interesting year.
http://www.bbc.com/news/business-42831655
Climate Migration
Unfortunately, climate change will force people to "migrate" due to crop failures, lack of water, rising water levels.
This will most likely occur in places such as South Asia, Latin America, and Sub-Saharan Africa.
According to a report, people in the Pacific and Oceania islands, which are prone to floods and droughts, are already starting to migrate to seek for places with better farmlands.
On the bright side, there is still a chance to reduce the number of climate migrants.
This can be done by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and participating in vigorous environmental-friendly development.
- Here, I removed the pronoun "we." It wasn't needed there and prior to this, no other collective pronoun wasn't used like that. I chose to go with just "development" because the engineering can be apart of the development and I added "vigorous" because it shows that not just any kind of development is needed.; We can do this by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and participating in environmental-friendly development/ engineering.
However, there is a time restriction, so if climate change is to be prevented from accelerating, actions have to be taken quickly.
- Again, I removed the pronoun "we."; However, there is definitely a time restriction, so if we want to prevent climate change from accelerating, actions have to be taken quickly.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2018/03/climate-migrants-report-world-bank-spd/
This was a very good summary. I suggest not using such personal pronouns like I, we, and us. Depending on the topic, majority of the time, writings are stronger without them.
Climate Migration
Unfortunately, climate change will force people to "migrate" due to crop failures, lack of water, rising water levels. This will most likely occur in places such as South Asia, Latin America, and Sub-Saharan Africa. According to a report, people in the Pacific and Oceania islands, which are prone to floods and droughts, are already starting to migrate to seek for places with better farmlands. On the bright side, there is still a chance to reduce the number of climate migrants. This can be done by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and participating in vigorous environmental-friendly development. However, there is a time restriction, so if climate change is to be prevented from accelerating, actions have to be taken quickly.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2018/03/climate-migrants-report-world-bank-spd/
French President Calls for Stronger Sanctions on Venezuela
- There were a few errors in the original sentence. Always remember to capitalize the words in the title except for articles, prepositions, and conjunctions. I do not recommend using the same title as the original article. And this title needs to be more detailed. A casual reader will not know who or what Macron is and would probably skip the article. In the revision, I removed the name and plainly said "French president." Also, your title just says "Venezuela:" This does not offer much to the title. The new title is more detailed to let the reader know what is article will be about.; Venezuela: France's Macron calls for tougher sanctions
Sanctions on Venezuela has been strengthened by various nations, due to the re-election of the country's president, Nicolás Maduro.
- Who is Maduro? Try to more specific. Especially if you have not mentioned this person before.; Sanctions on Venezuela has been strengthened by various nations, due to Maduro's re-election.
The president of France, Emmanuel Macron, has stated that Venezuela has "not been a democracy for a long time".
- Here, I just wanted to make sure the name of the French president is stated as well.; The president of France has stated that Venezuela has "not been a democracy for a long time".
Argentina's president, Mauricio Macri, has been active in this situation by criticizing the decision of Venezuela's Supreme Court on banning the participation of opposing parties by naming the presidential poll as "coalition".
- In this sentence, an apostrophe was added to "Venezuelas," the extra space was removed from between "by" and "criticizing," and Supreme Court needed to be capitalized. The name of Argentina's president was added, also.; Argentina's president has been active in this situation by criticizing the decision of Venezuelas supreme court on banning the participation of the opposition by naming the presidential poll as "coalition".
The opposition was already weakened by the absence of its leaders, who mostly are in jail.
- This sentence is just missing a comma.; The opposition was already weakened by the absence of its leaders who mostly are in jail.
Unfortunately, 120 people have died during the four-month protest against Maduro's regime.
- I corrected the misspelled "Unfortunately" and added a comma behind it. A hyphen was added between "four" and "month." I removed "period of" because it was not needed.; Unfortanueltly 120 people have died during the four month period of protest against Maduro's regime.
This new election will, once again, seal the fate of Venezuela.
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-latin-america-42842890 Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to be specific in your writings. Always remember to capitalize the words in the title except for articles, prepositions, and conjunctions.
French President Calls for Stronger Sanctions on Venezuela
Sanctions on Venezuela has been strengthened by various nations, due to the re-election of President Nicolás Maduro. The president of France, Emmanuel Macron, has stated that Venezuela has "not been a democracy for a long time". Argentina's president, Mauricio Macri, has been active in this situation by criticizing the decision of Venezuela's Supreme Court on banning the participation of opposing parties by naming the presidential poll as "coalition". The opposition was already weakened by the absence of its leaders, who mostly are in jail. Unfortunately, 120 people have died during the four-month protest against Maduro's regime. This new election will, once again, seal the fate of Venezuela.
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-latin-america-42842890
The Origin of Geek & Nerd
- Here I reworded the title. The revision is more straightforward and without the colon.;Origins of the Words: Geek & Nerd
In modern day, the terms geek and nerd have a negative connotation, similar to its original meaning.
The term nerd originally was used by Benjamin Nugent to describe a drip or a square.
- I italicized "nerd." The rules of using italics are confusing due to conflicting times on when to use it. You can use it here when you want to put emphasis on a word.; The term nerd originally was used by Benjamin Nugent to describe a drip or a square.
The term geek was used in the 1900s to describe an unskilled carnival worker, essentially meaning an unskilled person.
- Remember to put the "s" behind 1900 if you are talking about a period of time, like the 1990 s. Also, I italicized "geek."; The term geek was a term used in the 1900 to describe an unskilled carnival worker, essentially meaning an unskilled person.
Currently, the terms, though retaining their negativity, are used to describe something other than its original meaning.
- Instead of "In current times," I just used "currently." It seemed that a word was missing behind "something." I was pretty sure the word needed to be "other."; In current times, the terms, though retaining their negativity, are used to describe something than its original meaning.
Geek is now used for people who are very interested in a hot commodity and behave in a fan-like manner, collecting merchandise and the sort.
- I wanted another word besides the basic "something." I decided to use "hot commodity," it is a well-known term that people would understand.; Geek is now used for people who are very interested in something, and behave in a fan-like manner, collecting merchandise and the sort.
Nerd, on the other hand, is now used for people with advanced technical knowledge.
This change in meaning is desirable as it is not as harsh as its original meaning.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/where-do-the-terms-nerd-and-geek-come-from Edited by Michael Morrow
I suggest trying to find other words besides "something." There are more descriptive words that can push your writing further.
The Origin of Geek & Nerd
The term nerd originally was used by Benjamin Nugent to describe a drip or a square. The term geek was used in the 1900s to describe an unskilled carnival worker, essentially meaning an unskilled person. Currently, the terms, though retaining their negativity, are used to describe something other than its original meaning. Geek is now used for people who are very interested in a hot commodity and behave in a fan-like manner, collecting merchandise and the sort. Nerd, on the other hand, is now used for people with advanced technical knowledge. This change in meaning is desirable as it is not as harsh as its original meaning.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/where-do-the-terms-nerd-and-geek-come-from
Subscriptions for Taxis
Soon, it may be possible to subscribe to ride-hailing companies like Uber or Lyft the same way you would sign up for Netflix.
- Instead of opening with "In the close future," I used "soon." It is quicker and means the same with fewer words.; In the close future, it may be possible to subscribe to ride-hailing companies like Uber or Lyft the same way you would sign up for Netflix.
The CEO of Lyft, Logan Green, declared this was their plan for the company.
He claimed that the way to make this idea successful would be by introducing self-driving taxis.
This would lower the cost per mile and passengers would not have to pay a driver.
- I changed the pronouns at the beginning of the sentence. Instead of addressing the taxis (with "they"), it would be better to address the whole idea (with "this").; They would lower the cost per mile and passengers would not have to pay a driver.
Lyft started collaborating with the software company called nuTonomy and opened an engineering center to work on the technology for the autonomous vehicles.
- Since you used past tense verbs before "and," I changed the second half to match. I thought the software company should be added for the reader's benefit.; Lyft has already started collaborating with teams and opening an engineering center in order to work on the necessary technology for their autonomous vehicles.
Of course, there are other companies working in congruence with Lyft.
- Here is a good place to say what other companies are on the same page. Also, I reworded the sentence to make it better understandable.; Of course, there are also other companies working on the same page as Lyft.
This advancement is making businesses based more on service rather than products.
https://www.popsci.com/lyft-subscription-self-driving-car Edited by Michael Morrow
Interesting topic. Remember to try to add names and information that would seem important like the software company part. Use that to go into more detail.
Subscriptions for Taxis
Soon, it may be possible to subscribe to ride-hailing companies like Uber or Lyft the same way you would sign up for Netflix. The CEO of Lyft, Logan Green, declared this was their plan for the company. He claimed that the way to make this idea successful would be by introducing self-driving taxis. This would lower the cost per mile and passengers would not have to pay a driver. Lyft started collaborating with the software company called nuTonomy and opened an engineering center to work on the technology for the autonomous vehicles. Of course, there are other companies working in congruence with Lyft. This advancement is making businesses based more on service rather than products.
https://www.popsci.com/lyft-subscription-self-driving-car
Origins of the Peace Sign
The peace sign is sometimes recognized as a negative symbol, representing the anti-Christian symbol, the Nazi emblem, and a satanic character.
- This sentence was fine, but I thought it could use some polishing by changing up word choice.; The peace sign is sometimes recognized as many negative symbols, such as an anti-Christian symbol, the Nazi emblem, and a satanic character.
Despite its similar appearance to these negative connotated symbols, the symbol had uncontroversial origins.
- Try to avoid using the overly used words of "good" and "bad." There are many other words you can use to describe something better than that. I used "negative connotated" because the symbols are known for their negative connotations.; Despite its similar appearance to these bad symbols, the symbol had uncontroversial origins.
The peace sign was designed by Gerald Holtom for the British Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament in 1958.
At the center of the circle is a vertical line, separating the circle into two D's.
The two lines on the bottom represent the semaphore signal for the letter N.
- I changed the verb form here, from "represents" to "represent."; The two lines on the bottom represents the semaphore signal for the letter N.
The letters N and D stand for nuclear disarmament.
So originally, the peace sign designates peace and nuclear disarmament, then picked up some distasteful associates afterward.
- Here, I thought the original sentence wasn't strong enough and didn't properly close the paragraph. So, I revised the sentence and made it conclude the article.; The peace sign also represents despair, contradicting its own name.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/where-did-the-peace-sign-come-from Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to avoid using the overly used words of "good" and "bad." There are many other words you can use to describe something better than that.
Origins of the Peace Sign
The peace sign is sometimes recognized as a negative symbol, representing the anti-Christian symbol, the Nazi emblem, and a satanic character. Despite its similar appearance to these negative connotated symbols, the symbol had uncontroversial origins. The peace sign was designed by Gerald Holtom for the British Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament in 1958. At the center of the circle is a vertical line, separating the circle into two D's. The two lines on the bottom represent the semaphore signal for the letter N. So originally, the peace sign designates peace and nuclear disarmament, then picked up some distasteful associates afterward.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/where-did-the-peace-sign-come-from
Creating a Smaller Social Circle
Most people believe that forming a high number of connections will help you find more opportunities in society.
Contrary to popular belief, there isn't any relation between having bigger networks and forming more connections.
- I removed "really" because it was not needed.; Contrary to popular belief, there really isn't any relation between having bigger networks and forming more connections.
Being a person with many connections mainly depends on the surrounding people who you share respect, admiration, and beliefs with.
- I removed some words to make the sentence less wordy.; Being a person with many connections depends a lot on surrounding yourself with people who you can share respect, admiration, and beliefs with.
In reality, this group of people is actually not that large but still makes a difference in your life.
- This sentence really needed an opening transition to help the reader.; This group of people is actually not that large but still makes a difference in your life.
Your reputation can be based on your inner circle, so it's important to be with people who will encourage growth within you.
The way to go about this is by first finding out your traits, personalities, and characteristics.
These include your socializing skills, your habits, and things you spend a lot of your time on.
After finding information about yourself, you have to get information on others, like those you usually associate with and those you would rather not interact with.
- Here, I tried to shorten the sentence and make it less wordy.; After you find out information about yourself, you have to get information on other people, such as those who you usually associate with and those who you would rather not interact with.
By doing this you will have a more concise inner circle smaller, therefore giving yourself more time to strengthen relationships with more significant people.
- In this sentence, I tried to make the language more concise.;By doing this you will be making your inner circle smaller, therefore giving you more time to strengthen your relationships with the more significant people.
Soon enough, you may be able to become a person with a lot of ties.
https://hbr.org/2018/03/why-your-inner-circle-should-stay-small-and-how-to-shrink-it Edited by Michael Morrow
I recommend making sure that you use more concise and brief language and avoid being wordy.
Creating a Smaller Social Circle
Most people believe that forming a high number of connections will help you find more opportunities in society. Contrary to popular belief, there isn't any relation between having bigger networks and forming more connections. Being a person with many connections mainly depends on the surrounding people who you share respect, admiration, and beliefs with. In reality, this group of people is actually not that large but still makes a difference in your life. Your reputation can be based on your inner circle, so it's important to be with people who will encourage growth within you. The way to go about this is by first finding out your traits, personalities, and characteristics. These include your socializing skills, your habits, and things you spend a lot of your time on. After finding information about yourself, you have to get information on others, like those you usually associate with and those you would rather not interact with. By doing this you will have a more concise inner circle smaller, therefore giving yourself more time to strengthen relationships with more significant people. Soon enough, you may be able to become a person with a lot of ties.
https://hbr.org/2018/03/why-your-inner-circle-should-stay-small-and-how-to-shrink-it
Lightning Can Strike Twice
"Lightning never strikes the same place twice" is a common phrase meaning once something bad happens, it will not happen again.
- In this sentence, I removed "The phrase." It's not really needed, plus we don't need "phrase" to be repeated. ; The phrase "Lightning never strikes the same place twice" is a common phrase meaning once something bad happens, it will not happen again.
However, lightning does hit the same place more than once.
- I thought it would be better and more concise to not include "in reality."; However, in reality, lightning does hit the same place more than once.
A lightning strike is a thundercloud's discharge of electricity which can break through the ionized air.
This lightning bolt travels downward and hits the ground, taking about 30 milliseconds, reverberating in quick succession.
This essentially means that the lightning bolt has hit the ground multiple times in a short time span.
In addition, if there is a strong attraction between the place it last hit, the lightning has a higher chance to hit again.
- I just removed some words to make the sentence more concise.; In addition, if there is a strong attraction between the place it last hit, then the lightning has a higher chance to hit it again.
Though the reality of the phrase is contradictory to its meaning, the phrase is still commonly used.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/can-lightning-strike-the-same-place-twice Edited by Michael Morrow
Lightning Can Strike Twice
"Lightning never strikes the same place twice" is a common phrase meaning once something bad happens, it will not happen again. However, lightning does hit the same place more than once. A lightning strike is a thundercloud's discharge of electricity which can break through the ionized air. This lightning bolt travels downward and hits the ground, taking about 30 milliseconds, reverberating in quick succession. This essentially means that the lightning bolt has hit the ground multiple times in a short time span. In addition, if there is a strong attraction between the place it last hit, the lightning has a higher chance to hit again. Though the reality of the phrase is contradictory to its meaning, the phrase is still commonly used.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/can-lightning-strike-the-same-place-twice
Shared Body Languages
Simple gestures like waving your hand are very common among humans.
The same goes for chimpanzees and bonobos, also known as our closest ape relatives.
A new study shows that these animals that we share ancestry with also share common gestures with us.
- I removed "some common." Reading the sentence aloud felt like a mouth full and did not flow right.; A new study shows that these animals that we share some common ancestry with also share common gestures with us.
Scientists of this study observed bonobos and how they communicated with hand motions.
- I removed "through their" because "with" does the job of two the words.; Scientists of this study observed bonobos and how they communicated through their hand motions.
When compared to those of chimpanzees, about 90 percent of their gestures overlapped.
However, it was also noted that some gestures were not inherited but learned or altered.
This study leads to more questions. Scientists will further investigate the relationship between human and ape gestures.
- I made this sentence into two. Therefore, I polished the second sentence to make it flow better. There was no need to ownership of gestures. I swap some words around to give it a better read.; This study leads to many more questions, but now the scientists will investigate further on the relation between humans' and the apes' gestures.
http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2018/02/chimpanzees-bonobos-and-even-humans-may-share-ancient-body-language Edited by Michael Morrow
I recommend reading your sentences aloud. This way, you can find mistakes that your eyes tend to go over. Be sure to watch for word choice.
Shared Body Languages
Simple gestures like waving your hand are very common among humans. The same goes for chimpanzees and bonobos, also known as our closest ape relatives. A new study shows that these animals that we share ancestry with also share common gestures with us. Scientists of this study observed bonobos and how they communicated with hand motions. When compared to those of chimpanzees, about 90 percent of their gestures overlapped. However, it was also noted that some gestures were not inherited but learned or altered. This study leads to more questions. Scientists will further investigate the relationship between human and ape gestures.
Sudoku Puzzles to Last an Eternity
- I had to change the title from being a question. but coming up with an interesting title for sudokus isn't that easy, so I went with simple. I matched the tone of the article and came up with the title above.;How Much Unique Sudoku Puzzles Are There?
There are over 6 sextillion different Sudoku puzzles (6,670,903,752,021,072,936,960 to be exact).
- Whew, I do not think I could figure out that number. In journalism, the rule is to use numeric symbols for any number 10 or greater. However, I think this is a huge exception. Instead of using the actual number, I highly recommend simplifying it to just "6 sextillion." This is much easier for readers to digest. And then at the end, I used the actual number within parenthesis.; There are 6,670,903,752,021,072,936,960 different Sudoku puzzles.
A Sudoku puzzle grid is a Latin square, an n-by-n grid populated with n distinct symbols in a way that each symbol is used once in each row and column, where n is equal to 9.
- Here, I lowercased the s in "square."; A Sudoku puzzle grid is a Latin Square, an n-by-n grid populated with n distinct symbols in a way that each symbol is used once in each row and column, where n is equal to 9.
Combinatorics is a field of mathematics involving selection, arrangement, and operation within a finite system, and as Sudoku is a finite system, combinatorics can be applied.
Using combinatorics, Sudoku puzzle creators can create new puzzles by rotating and transposing the grid and other simple tricks.
- I removed the extra "the grid" and used "and" to connect "rotating" and "transposing."; Using combinatorics, Sudoku puzzle creators can create new puzzles by rotating the grid, transposing the grid, and other simple tricks.
However, by using this method, the puzzles are essentially the same with the difficulty changing slightly.
- I removed the adverb "only" because it was not needed.; However, by using this method, the puzzles are essentially the same with the difficulty changing only slightly.
Without the use of simple tricks, though, there are 5 billion unique puzzles that greatly vary.
- I say the same thing here, you can cut back on the numbers and be simple.; Without the use of simple tricks, though, there are 5,472,730,538 unique puzzles that greatly vary.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/will-we-ever-run-out-of-sudoku-puzzles Edited by Michael Morrow
This was a very interesting article. Remember not to use questions in titles. And watch for those long stream of numbers, be simple and say "5 billion."
Sudoku Puzzles to Last an Eternity
There are over 6 sextillion different Sudoku puzzles (6,670,903,752,021,072,936,960 to be exact). A Sudoku puzzle grid is a Latin square, an n-by-n grid populated with n distinct symbols in a way that each symbol is used once in each row and column, where n is equal to 9. Combinatorics is a field of mathematics involving selection, arrangement, and operation within a finite system, and as Sudoku is a finite system, combinatorics can be applied. Using combinatorics, Sudoku puzzle creators can create new puzzles by rotating and transposing the grid and other simple tricks. However, by using this method, the puzzles are essentially the same with the difficulty changing slightly. Without the use of simple tricks, though, there are 5 billion unique puzzles that greatly vary.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/will-we-ever-run-out-of-sudoku-puzzles
Seizure-Causing Parasite
People, especially those in the United States, have a condition called neurocysticercosis.
- "A lot of" was removed since "people" is already plural. Plus, I seemed wordy.; A lot of people, especially those in the United States, have a condition called neurocysticercosis.
This means that they have tapeworm larvae in their brain that create life-threatening cysts.
- I made "brains" singular because people only have one brain.; This means that they have tapeworm larvae in their brains that create life-threatening cysts.
This disease occurs when someone consumes undercooked infected pork, which brings microscopic eggs of the pork's tapeworm in their stomach.
- I removed "this is" and moved "undercooked."; This disease occurs when someone consumes infected pork that is undercooked, which brings microscopic eggs of the pork's tapeworm in their stomach.
If the eggs hatched in the person's stomach, the larvae could travel to the brain to form dangerous cysts, although some may be harmless.
- Here, I did a lot of cutting in the sentence. I made it simpler and brief.; If the eggs happen to hatch in the person's stomach, then the larvae could travel all the way to the brain where they form the dangerous cysts, although some may be harmless.
Symptoms of neurocysticercosis include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and mental disorders.
There may also be cases of meningitis, stroke, or blindness.
In the United States alone, at least 2,000 people were hospitalized because of this disease, annually.
- I corrected the verb form in the sentence from "are" to "were."; In the United States alone, at least 2,000 people are hospitalized because of this disease annually.
So, if a person is suspected to have this condition, they should be diagnosed effectively and should be given the appropriate treatments.
- Here I polished this sentence up. I removed some words and switched the ending around.; Neurocysticercosis can be fatal, so if a person is suspected to have this condition, they should be giving the right treatments and diagnosed in order to effectively manage it.
https://www.livescience.com/61844-brain-cysts-tapeworm-seizures.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Avoid being wordy and pay attention to word choice.
Seizure-Causing Parasite
People, especially those in the United States, have a condition called neurocysticercosis. This means that they have tapeworm larvae in their brain that create life-threatening cysts. This disease occurs when someone consumes undercooked infected pork, which brings microscopic eggs of the pork's tapeworm in their stomach. If the eggs hatched in the person's stomach, the larvae could travel to the brain to form dangerous cysts, although some may be harmless. Symptoms of neurocysticercosis include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, and mental disorders. There may also be cases of meningitis, stroke, or blindness. In the United States alone, at least 2,000 people were hospitalized because of this disease, annually. Neurocysticercosis can be fatal, so if a person is suspected to have this condition, they should be diagnosed effectively and should be given the appropriate treatments.
https://www.livescience.com/61844-brain-cysts-tapeworm-seizures.html
Strengthening Memories Through Sleep
Neuroscientists are discovering several ways to use sound and other stimuli during the sleeping period to make stronger memories.
In theist, researchers believed we could achieve this goal through osmosis.
In studies, they tried to teach participants new information by playing audio recordings while they slept.
- This is a good sentence but as a reader, I would want to know what those recordings are. Adding what kind of recordings would help,"audio" would do the job for the sake of the sentence's length. Also, I cut down on words to shorten the sentence.; In studies, they tried to teach participants new information by playing recordings while they were sleeping.
However, this method didn't turn out to be successful.
Later, researchers used a technique called electroencephalography and realized there was a possible method to alter memory during sleep.
- Here, I just made some word changes and made some removals.;Later on, researchers used a technique called electroencephalography and realized that there was a possible method to alter memory during sleep.
In 2007, neuroscientists reported that the method was to use smell.
Many studies were conducted and proved the statement that we could use smell to alter memories and then convince our brains to "rehearse" those memories during our sleep.
Likewise, some studies proved that using sound could have a similar result by using targeted memory reactivation.
There are still questions to be addressed by further research, like if reactivating memories wipe away old ones.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/how-sound-and-smell-cues-can-enhance-learning-while-you-sleep-180968180/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Awesome job on the summary! I will caution you about using longer sentences, however it is completely normal with science based articles.
Strengthening Memories Through Sleep
Neuroscientists are discovering several ways to use sound and other stimuli during the sleeping period to make stronger memories. In theist, researchers believed we could achieve this goal through osmosis. In studies, they tried to teach participants new information by playing audio recordings while they were sleeping. Later, researchers used a technique called electroencephalography and realized there was a possible method to alter memory during sleep. In 2007, neuroscientists reported that the method was to use smell. Many studies were conducted and proved the statement that we could use smell to alter memories and then convince our brains to "rehearse" those memories during our sleep. Likewise, some studies proved that using sound could have a similar result by using targeted memory reactivation. There are still questions to be addressed by further research, like if reactivating memories wipe away old ones.
Why We Make Jack-o'-Lanterns on Halloweens
Halloween is a Celtic holiday, meaning it originated from Ireland's Samhain, a day in which the boundary between life and death is weakened for spirits to cross over.
The origins of the jack-o'-lantern began from a famous Irish myth.
- Here, I just changed the verb from "come" to "began." I thought the new verb a better fit than the original.; The origins of the jack-o'-lantern comes from a famous Irish myth.
A man by the name of Stingy Jack tricked the Devil for profit.
- In this revision, I removed "had" from the sentence. ; A man by the name of Stingy Jack had tricked the Devil for profit.
When he died, Jack was denied access to both Hell and Heaven, as a result, it forced him to wander Earth forever.
- I changed the second "he" to "Jack." He was repeated and to close together. I changed the ending some. I used "as a result" because the sentence needed a transition then what followed it had to be reworded.; When he died, he was denied access to both Hell and Heaven, forced to wander out on earth forever.
To scare away the wandering Jack, people carved demonic faces on turnips.
However, when Irish immigrants moved to America, they decided to use pumpkins as they were native to the region.
- I removed the past perfect verb tense and isolated "move."; However, when Irish immigrants had moved to America, they decided to use pumpkins as they were native to the region.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/why-do-we-carve-pumpkins-at-halloween Edited by Michael Morrow
Remember to capitalize "Earth" and other planet names. Be careful when using past perfect verb tense.
Why We Make Jack-o'-Lanterns on Halloweens
Halloween is a Celtic holiday, meaning it originated from Ireland's Samhain, a day in which the boundary between life and death is weakened for spirits to cross over. The origins of the jack-o'-lantern began from a famous Irish myth. A man by the name of Stingy Jack tricked the Devil for profit. When he died, Jack was denied access to both Hell and Heaven, as a result, it forced him to wander Earth forever. To scare away the wandering Jack, people carved demonic faces on turnips. However, when Irish immigrants moved to America, they decided to use pumpkins as they were native to the region. SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/why-do-we-carve-pumpkins-at-halloween
The Science Behind Onions and Crying
When cutting onions, many people tend to cry.
- This sentence could be worded better. I removed "occasionally" and "apart" then changed "while" to "when."; Occasionally, while cutting apart onions, many people tend to cry.
While the onion plant grows, the onion absorbs many minerals from the soil, especially sulfur.
- I changed the tense and word choice in this sentence. I changed the past tense to present tense because onions are still growing and you aren't talking about a specific onion. Also, I removed "the" from in front of "sulfur" because the word was not needed.; While the onion plant was still growing, the onion absorbed many minerals from the soil, especially the sulfur.
When an onion is cut open, cells become broken, then enzymes that were separated combine with the sulfur-rich amino acids, leading to the formation of a chemical known as syn-propanethial-S-oxide.
- I reworded parts of this sentence to make it more understandable. The original was okay, but the revised sentence is simpler and use transitions.; When an onion is cut open, breaking cell after cell, the enzymes that were separated combine with the sulfur-rich amino acids, finally ending with the formation of a chemical known as syn-propanethial-S-oxide.
This liquid chemical easily evaporates due to its volatility, encounters the chef's eyes, causing a burning sensation.
- The phrase "though liquid" really doesn't do a lot for the article, however, when putting "liquid" before "chemical" it really tells the reader what it is. Also, I replaced "comes into contact with" with "encounters."; This chemical, though liquid, easily evaporates due to its volatility, comes into contact with the chef's eyes, causing a burning sensation.
To ensure protection of the eyes, the body will attempt to rinse the chemical away with tears.
- The body's ownership of the eyes seems off here. I reworded the beginning of the sentence. Also, I changed "through" to "with."; To protect its eyes, the body will attempt to rinse the chemical away through tears.
However, there are multiple tricks to lessen the effect of the chemicals, which include eating bread while chopping and freezing onions before chopping.
- I recommend adding a one or two of the tricks. You shouldn't try to close on a cliffhanger like this.; However, there are a variety of tricks to lessen the effect of the chemical.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/why-do-onions-make-you-cry Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to avoid cliffhangers as closers and pay close attention to word choice. When you write a sentence, see if there is another way if it can be said and consider if readers will understand what you are saying.
The Science Behind Onions and Crying
When cutting onions, many people tend to cry. While the onion plant grows, the onion absorbs many minerals from the soil, especially sulfur. When an onion is cut open, cells become broken, then enzymes that were separated combine with the sulfur-rich amino acids, leading to the formation of a chemical known as syn-propanethial-S-oxide. This liquid chemical easily evaporates due to its volatility, encounters the chef's eyes, causing a burning sensation. To ensure protection of the eyes, the body will attempt to rinse the chemical away with tears. However, there are multiple tricks to lessen the effect of the chemicals, which include eating bread while chopping and freezing onions before chopping.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/why-do-onions-make-you-cry
The Winter Olympics' Bobsled Course
Bobsledding is a thrilling, yet dangerous, sport with high stakes.
- Here, I removed "really" and added "yet," while incorporating an appositive, therefore, rewording the sentence.; Bobsledding is a really dangerous and thrilling sport with high stakes.
In the 2018 Winter Olympics, the bobsled venue at the Alpensia Sliding Center was created by the constructing and engineering unit of Daelim Industrial.
- Instead of having the long opening of "In this year's Winter Olympics in South Korea," I shortened it to "In the 2018 Winter Olympics." An alternative could be "Pyeongchang 2018 Winter Olympics."; In this year's Winter Olympics in South Korea, the bobsled venue at the Alpensia Sliding Center was created by the constructing and engineering unit of Daelim Industrial.
According to the company's manager, it was a challenge to build a unique course to fit the area's topography within the project's budget and a short construction period.
- In this sentence, I just removed the extra space between "within" and "the."; According to the company's manager, it was a challenge to build a unique course to fit the area's topography within the project's budget and a short construction period.
Therefore, they decided to use new technology that would help them get the work done more efficiently.
Instead of putting metal pipes into the course by hand to keep it steady, an automated machine was used which completed each section ten times faster than it would've taken to do it manually.
Also, Daelim designed a roof for the course in case of unexpected weather.
- I added the company name to remind readers of it before the article closes. And for specificity, I added what the roof was for.; The company also designed a roof in case of unexpected weather.
This bobsled course took a lot of resources and might be continued to be used.
- I condensed this sentence some. Instead of "endeavor and funding," I used a simpler "resources."; This bobsled course took a lot of endeavor and funding, and it might be continued to be put to use.
https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/how-bobsled-course-designed-2018-winter-olympics Edited by Michael Morrow
The Winter Olympics' Bobsled Course
Bobsledding is a thrilling, yet dangerous, sport with high stakes. In the 2018 Winter Olympics, the bobsled venue at the Alpensia Sliding Center was created by the constructing and engineering unit of Daelim Industrial. According to the company's manager, it was a challenge to build a unique course to fit the area's topography within the project's budget and a short construction period. Therefore, they decided to use new technology that would help them get the work done more efficiently. Instead of putting metal pipes into the course by hand to keep it steady, an automated machine was used which completed each section ten times faster than it would've taken to do it manually. Also, Daelim designed a roof for the course in case of unexpected weather. This bobsled course took a lot of resources and might be continued to be used. https://www.architecturaldigest.com/story/how-bobsled-course-designed-2018-winter-olympics
The Right Way to Nap
It's a known fact that daytime napping may disrupt sleeping patterns and one's health.
- The phrase is "commonly known" is oxymoron-ish. The sentence maintains the same meaning if one of them are used. I omitted "commonly" and "known" to stand on its own. Also, I added an apostrophe in "ones."; It's a commonly known fact that daytime napping may disrupt sleeping patterns and ones health.
Despite this, many people enjoy napping during the day.
If you nap "wisely," though, it's possible to provide health benefits.
This includes gaining lost energy, de-stressing, promoting creativity, and mood boosts.
On the other hand, some people's bodies are not designed for naps and might disrupt their sleeping routine.
- I removed a few words because they were not needed. The revised sentence is shorter with the same meaning.; On the other hand, some people's bodies are simply not designed for taking naps and it might throw off their sleeping routine.
Also, if you take a nap that's too long or too short, it can cause drowsiness the whole day, or even grumpiness.
- I replaced "sleepy" with "drowsy" because it is a more recognized professional term.; Also, if you take a nap that's too long or too short, it can cause sleepiness the whole day, or even grumpiness.
Insomniacs should stray away from napping as much as possible. Naps should last 20-30 minutes or 90 minutes, with nothing in between, for a proper recharge. It is recommended that people should not nap six hours within your bedtime.
- I thought this long sentence could be broken up because there are multiple ideas that need to stand alone. Therefore, I reworded some of the sentences and removed one. I removed the you because the "you" character was not mentioned earlier, so it really should not be here now.; Insomniacs should stray away from napping as much as possible, naps should last 20-30 minutes or 90 minutes (nothing in between), naps should be taken at the same time, and you should not nap six hours within your bedtime.
By following these precautions, you will most likely end up feeling refreshed from your naps.
http://www.psyarticles.com/sleep/optimize-napping.htm Edited by Michael Morrow
Consider using more transitions in your writing and try not to bunch a lot of info into one sentence.
The Right Way to Nap
It's a known fact that daytime napping may disrupt sleeping patterns and one's health. Despite this, many people enjoy napping during the day. If you nap "wisely," though, it's possible to provide health benefits. This includes gaining lost energy, de-stressing, promoting creativity, and mood boosts. On the other hand, some people's bodies are not designed for naps and might disrupt their sleeping routine. Also, if you take a nap that's too long or too short, it can cause drowsiness the whole day, or even grumpiness. Insomniacs should stray away from napping as much as possible. Naps should last 20-30 minutes or 90 minutes, with nothing in between, for a proper recharge. It is recommended that people should not nap six hours within your bedtime. By following these precautions, you will most likely end up feeling refreshed from your naps.
http://www.psyarticles.com/sleep/optimize-napping.htm
Poisoned by Apple Seeds
- I changed the title from being a question. I tried to give it a pop and an interesting vibe where possible readers would be curious about the article.;Are Apple Seeds Poisonous?
For years, people have been warned that apple seeds are poisonous.
- Here, I made the sentence a little specific. I added "for years" to set how long this warning has been out. I replaced "told" with "warned" because "told" is a basic verb and "warned" is more fitting.; Many have been told that the seed of an apple is poisonous.
Though true, the seed will only kill if it has been crushed and well over a thousand has been consumed.
- I made this sentence more specific. I related back to the article saying "well over a thousand" instead of the vague "a number of.";Though true, the seed will only kill if it has been crushed and a number of them has been eaten.
This is because the seed contains amygdalin which can turn into a lethal substance called hydrogen cyanide.
Despite such danger, the human body is capable of surviving from ingesting the seed.
- I removed "a small amount of times" because it really wasn't needed and it made the sentence wordy. I wanted to use a more qualified word than "eating," which is "ingesting."; Despite such danger, the human body is capable of surviving from eating the seed a small amount of times.
In addition, the amygdalin will only become accessible when it is crushed, so if it is not crushed, it will just pass through the digestive tract.
In conclusion, apple seeds are poisonous, however, they don't do much damage if consumed correctly.
- I rewrote the second half of the sentence because it did not properly give a good close to the writing. The revised version ties everything together while being clear in meaning.; In conclusion, apple seeds are poisonous, though have some conditions before killing.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/can-apple-seeds-kill-you Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to avoid questions as titles and being wordy. I recommend using heightened diction to replace some of the more basic terms.
Poisoned by Apple Seeds
For years, people have been warned that apple seeds are poisonous. Though true, the seed will only kill if it has been crushed and well over a thousand has been consumed. This is because the seed contains amygdalin which can turn into a lethal substance called hydrogen cyanide. Despite such danger, the human body is capable of surviving from ingesting the seed. In addition, the amygdalin will only become accessible when it is crushed, so if it is not crushed, it will just pass through the digestive tract. In conclusion, apple seeds are poisonous, however, they don't do much damage if consumed correctly.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/can-apple-seeds-kill-you
Why Planets Are Round
- I swapped "planets" and "are" to change to the meaning of the title. Instead of asking why, the title shows that the article will explain why.;Why Are Planets Round?
When looking at the solar system, one can see that all the planets are round; this is due to gravity.
- I combined these two sentences. The second sentence is too short to have any impact by itself.; When looking at the solar system, one can see that all the planets are round. This is due to gravity.
The gravitational force of the planet will bring all the material to its center.
- I wanted to add specificity to the sentence. I answered the question of "who's center?"; The gravitational force of the planet will bring all the material to the center.
The more mass the planet is, the stronger the gravity.
So, some smaller cosmic bodies are not round due to their low mass.
- I added the conjunction "so" to be a good transition for the sentence before.; Some smaller cosmic bodies are not round due to their low mass.
When the planet or cosmic body reaches a few hundred kilometers across, the shape becomes rounder.
- I removed "more" from the sentence, "rounder" is already in its comparative form and is a word that does not require "more" or "most."; When the planet or cosmic body reaches a few hundred kilometers across, the shape becomes more rounder.
Despite its unlikelihood, scientists have wondered about the existence of a cubical planet and how one would live there.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/why-are-planets-round Edited by Michael Morrow
Avoid using questions as titles.
Why Planets Are Round
When looking at the solar system, one can see that all the planets are round; this is due to gravity. The gravitational force of the planet will bring all the material to its center. The more mass the planet is, the stronger the gravity. So, some smaller cosmic bodies are not round due to their low mass. When the planet or cosmic body reaches a few hundred kilometers across, the shape becomes rounder. Despite its unlikelihood, scientists have wondered about the existence of a cubical planet and how one would live there.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/why-are-planets-round
The Effects of Weight Change on the Human Body
Major changes may be caused by increasing or decreasing weight, which can lead to inflammation and heart disease.
In a recent study, researchers gathered 23 people who would have to consume extra calories every day for about a month.
- I removed the adjective "willing." It is not needed and to me, it changes the tone of the writing.; In a recent study, researchers gathered 23 willing people who would have to consume extra calories every day for about a month.
13 participants were insulin resistant and 10 participants were insulin sensitive.
The two groups showed different metabolisms, transcript levels, and protein levels.
After the participants gained weight, researchers detected changes in body molecules related to fat metabolism, inflammation, and a condition that could lead to heart failure.
However, a challenge that these researchers are facing is gaining credibility for physicians to analyze their data.
https://www.the-scientist.com/?articles.view/articleNo/51394/title/How-Gaining-and-Losing-Weight-Affects-the-Body/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Good job on the summary. Try not to use adjectives like "willing" if it isn't really important to the writing.
The Effects of Weight Change on the Human Body
Major changes may be caused by increasing or decreasing weight, which can lead to inflammation and heart disease. In a recent study, researchers gathered 23 people who would have to consume extra calories every day for about a month. 13 participants were insulin resistant and 10 participants were insulin sensitive. The two groups showed different metabolisms, transcript levels, and protein levels. After the participants gained weight, researchers detected changes in body molecules related to fat metabolism, inflammation, and a condition that could lead to heart failure. However, a challenge that these researchers are facing is gaining credibility for physicians to analyze their data.
How the Ocean's Saltwater is Created
- For the title, I made it more specific, so readers can know what they will read before going into the article.;Salty Seawater
Humans need to drink water to survive; additionally, they're surrounded by vast bodies of it.
- I these two sentences could be combined. And they didn't do much when standing on their own. I added a semicolon and a transitional word to move the sentence smoothly.; Humans need to drink water in order to survive. They are surrounded by vast bodies of water.
However, humans are unable to drink the water because it is too salty.
- I replaced the pronouns with specific nouns, so the sentence can be clearer.; However, they are unable to drink it because it is too salty.
This is because the atmosphere contains carbon dioxide, making the water vapor slightly acidic.
- I used "contains" because it was more concrete than "has."; This is because the atmosphere has carbon dioxide, making the water vapor slightly acidic.
When it rains, the runoff collects minerals and deposits into a nearby body of water.
Through different biological processes, the accumulated minerals are removed, while salt mineral remains.
- Here, I polished the sentence up and used finer diction while keeping the message the same.; Through biological processes, the minerals picked up are removed, however the salt mineral still remains.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/why-is-the-ocean-salty Edited by Michael Morrow
Consider being more concise with diction and be more specific.
How the Ocean's Saltwater is Created
Humans need to drink water to survive; additionally, they're surrounded by vast bodies of it. However, humans are unable to drink the water because it is too salty. This is because the atmosphere contains carbon dioxide, making the water vapor slightly acidic. Through different biological processes, the accumulated minerals are removed, while salt mineral remains.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/why-is-the-ocean-salty
Training Aging Minds
A study was completed on an elderly group, using methods of creativity and critical thinking, to measure their cognitive speed and function has results that improve the brain’s processing speed.
- Here, I restructured the sentence to give it more clarity.; A research on the cognitive speed and function of a group of older adults showed that using approaches like creativity and critical thinking improves the processing speed of the brain.
In turn, this lowers the decreasing brain functions that are correlated with normal aging.
- I omitted the sentence because it does not fit the rest of the writing. It seems out of place.; In turn, this lowers the decreasing brain functions that are correlated with normal aging.
The adults were divided into three groups.
One of the groups used a program called SMART, which trained them to filter information so that incoming stimulations entering could be reduced.
- I made "group" plural because you are still talking about all of the groups. I could not decide whether to explain the name of SMART. It would give additional detail, but would not be helpful to the writing. I removed some words to try to cut down on length as well.; One of the group used a program called SMART, which trained them to filter information so that the amount of stimulation entering at a time could be reduced.
The result was that the group who used SMART improved processing speed better than the group using aerobic exercises, which have been associated with brain speed and cognition for a very long time.
However, since this is early research, larger studies must be performed in order to confirm these findings.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cravings/201802/research-shows-promise-aging-brains Edited by Michael Morrow
Be sure to work on clarity.
Training Aging Minds
A study was completed on an elderly group, using methods of creativity and critical thinking, to measure their cognitive speed and function has results that improve the brain’s processing speed. The adults were divided into three groups. One of the groups used a program called SMART, which trained them to filter information so that incoming stimulations entering could be reduced. The result was that the group who used SMART improved processing speed better than the group using aerobic exercises, which have been associated with brain speed and cognition for a very long time. However, since this is early research, larger studies must be performed in order to confirm these findings.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cravings/201802/research-shows-promise-aging-brains
What the Rosetta Stone Says
The Rosetta Stone is a black granite stone with three types of inscriptions and is currently in the British Museum.
- The sentence is wordy so I cut down on words. Instead of saying "writing inscribed on it," it is now "inscriptions." I remove "now" and when you think about it, "now" and "currently" have the same meaning. ; The Rosetta Stone is a black granite stone with three types of writing inscribed on it and is now currently in the hands of the British Museum.
The Rosetta Stone aided in the deciphering of the Egyptian hieroglyphics by scholars Thomas Young and Jean-Francois Champollion.
The Rosetta Stone talks about a government affair.
- This sentence lacks the detail that all the others have. As I tried to revise this sentence, I think this may not be needed if the next sentence is worded correctly. Therefore, this sentence can be omitted.; The Rosetta Stone talks about a government affair.
The stone's text starts off with the pharaoh's beneficial acts to the society and his accomplishments and, as a reward, the council of priests pledged to support the king's royal cult.
- So, here I moved the comma from behind "accomplishments" to in front of "as." I changed "king" to "pharaoh." Even though pharaohs were kings, I thought it was more fitting to use an Egyptian term here.; The text starts off with the king's beneficial acts to the society and his accomplishments, and as a reward, the council of priests pledged to support the king's royal cult.
The text ends with the decree that the pledge be inscribed in stone in the three writing and placed in Egyptian temples.
- I replaced "It then" with "The text" and removed "off," that word was not necessary.; It then ends off with the decree that the pledge be inscribed in stone in the three writing and placed in Egyptian temples.
The Rosetta Stone, other than its advantages to the advancement of historical knowledge, offers a banal tale of the king's decree.
- I added the word "the" behind "to." When reading the sentence, it felt like it was missing something.; The Rosetta Stone, other than its advantages to the advancement of historical knowledge, offers only a banal tale of the king's decree.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/what-does-the-rosetta-stone-say Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to avoid wordiness in your writings.
What the Rosetta Stone Says
The Rosetta Stone is a black granite stone with three types of inscriptions and is currently in the British Museum. The Rosetta Stone aided in the deciphering of the Egyptian hieroglyphics by scholars Thomas Young and Jean-Francois Champollion. The stone's text starts off with the pharaoh's beneficial acts to the society and his accomplishments and, as a reward, the council of priests pledged to support the king's royal cult. The text ends with the decree that the pledge be inscribed in stone in the three writing and placed in Egyptian temples. The Rosetta Stone, other than its advantages to the advancement of historical knowledge, offers a banal tale of the king's decree.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/what-does-the-rosetta-stone-say
Zero: Odd or Even Number
- Remember to avoid having questions as titles. I tried to keep the title the same while removing the question aspect of the title. The way I did so may not be the best. I do encourage you to revise the title to your liking, though.;Is Zero Odd or Even?
Many people wonder if the number zero is an integer because it signifies an empty set.
- I was confused by the sentence until reading the article. I revised it to sound clearer and to simplify it.; Many people are confused by the number zero as if it is an integer because it signifies an empty set.
A whole number is a number that has no remainder; therefore, zero is a whole number.
- I corrected the article from "an" to "a." I decided to combine the two sentences because they fit well together. I combined them by using a semicolon.; An whole number is a number that has no remainder. As a result, zero is a whole number.
An integer is whole numbers and their opposites.
An odd number is an integer that when divided by two has a remainder or fractional component.
An even number is an integer that does not have a remainder when divided by two.
Zero divided by two does not have a remainder and is therefore even.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/is-zero-an-even-or-an-odd-number Edited by Michael Morrow
Remember to avoid using questions in your titles.
Zero: Odd or Even Number Many people wonder if the number zero is an integer because it signifies an empty set. A whole number is a number that has no remainder; therefore, zero is a whole number. An integer is whole numbers and their opposites. An odd number is an integer that when divided by two has a remainder or fractional component. An even number is an integer that does not have a remainder when divided by two. Zero divided by two does not have a remainder and is therefore even.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/is-zero-an-even-or-an-odd-number
A Virus Similar to the Flu
There is a virus called adenovirus, which can make you feel feverish and miserable during the winter, just like the flu.
- I changed "that" to "which" to give smoother sounding flow.; There is a virus called adenovirus that can make you feel feverish and miserable during the winter, just like the flu.
Adenovirus is a diverse and productive virus that can lead to different illnesses like pneumonia and conjunctivitis.
- It is hard to understand what you are trying to say here, assuming it is because of a missing word. I went into the article and jazzed it up. This new revision gives the reader more details on the virus.; Adenoviruses are abundant cause several different illnesses.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), when respiratory infections occurs, it's hard to differentiate adenovirus from the flu.
- Here, I added a reputable source to back the information being given. I removed the "they" because I could not figure out who "they" were.;When they cause respiratory infections, it's hard to differentiate from those caused by the flu.
However, there are differences between the two viruses, for example, the flu is a seasonal virus while adenovirus occurs annually.
- I thought this sentence was on the wordy side so I removed "such as the fact that" and added "for example." Two words were able to replace five.;However, there are differences between the two viruses, such as the fact that the flu is a seasonal virus while adenovirus occurs annually.
An outbreak of adenovirus 10 years ago has proven that it can lead to severe symptoms.
U.S. military recruits are given vaccines for this virus, which has prevented about 15,000 cases of it, but scientists believe people outside the military should also be vaccinated.
To follow through with this idea, future studies would need to take place on the cost-effectiveness of adenovirus vaccinations and the populations they would benefit the most.
- I simply removed "in order" and made "to" the first sentence. This cut back on words and
- In order to follow through with this idea, future studies would need to take place on the cost-effectiveness of adenovirus vaccinations and the populations they would benefit the most.
https://www.livescience.com/61585-what-is-adenovirus.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Be sure to avoid being wordy. And be sure to proofread your work so you can notice missing words and other errors.
A Virus Similar to the Flu
There is a virus called adenovirus, which can make you feel feverish and miserable during the winter, just like the flu. Adenovirus is a diverse and productive virus that can lead to different illnesses like pneumonia and conjunctivitis. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), when respiratory infections occurs, it's hard to differentiate adenovirus from the flu. However, there are differences between the two viruses, for example, the flu is a seasonal virus while adenovirus occurs annually. An outbreak of adenovirus 10 years ago has proven that it can lead to severe symptoms. U.S. military recruits are given vaccines for this virus, which has prevented about 15,000 cases of it, but scientists believe people outside the military should also be vaccinated. To follow through with this idea, future studies would need to take place on the cost-effectiveness of adenovirus vaccinations and the populations they would benefit the most.
https://www.livescience.com/61585-what-is-adenovirus.html
Cuddling to Stay Healthy
Viruses can infect many people at a time because of microbes, bacteria that can disperse themselves quickly.
- You should say what microbes are for interested readers who might not know what they are. Afer doing some research, I found that microbes are multiple things, so I went with a more recognizable term to define them: bacteria. I replaced "a lot" with "quickly." "A lot" was not doing the proper job for the sentence.; Viruses can infect many people at a time because of microbes, which can disperse themselves a lot.
Some microbes can be beneficial, especially the ones in our digestive system.
- There is nothing truly wrong but "though" is removed because it was an extra unneeded word.;Some microbes can be beneficial, though, especially the ones in our digestive system.
According to Journal of Animal Ecology, a red-bellied lemur study showed that the more contact they have with each other, the more microbes they share.
- Here, I wanted to add where to study came from. And doing this resulted in the change of word order in the sentence.;A study on red-bellied lemurs showed that the more contact they have with each other, the more microbes they share.
This protects them from infections like the flu.
Also, the fact that the lemurs share bacteria with each other reduces the risk of encountering dangerous and foreign microbes.
By continuing research on how animals retain their digestive microbes, we can find ways to benefit the health of humans, too.
https://www.popsci.com/red-bellied-lemur-huddle-gut-microbes#page-2 Edited by Michael Morrow
Be sure to note if something comes from a scientific journal or person. Try to avoid "though." Sometimes it just seems like a extra word woth no meaning. Always try to explain or define certain words that people may not know.
Cuddling to Stay Healthy
Viruses can infect many people at a time because of microbes, bacteria that can disperse themselves quickly. Some microbes can be beneficial, especially the ones in our digestive system. According to Journal of Animal Ecology, a red-bellied lemur study showed that the more contact they have with each other, the more microbes they share. This protects them from infections like the flu. Also, the fact that the lemurs share bacteria with each other reduces the risk of encountering dangerous and foreign microbes. By continuing research on how animals retain their digestive microbes, we can find ways to benefit the health of humans, too.
https://www.popsci.com/red-bellied-lemur-huddle-gut-microbes#page-2
The Mass Suicide of Lemmings
Lemmings are small rodents, reputable for their wild nature.
A myth regarding these rodents is that every few years, a group of lemmings commit mass suicide.
- To avoid repeating "lemmings" twice, I replaced the first word with "these rodents."; A myth regarding lemmings is that every few years, a group of lemmings commit mass suicide.
It is said to be because they are driven by instinct to do so as a result of overpopulation.
This may be because, in the 17th century, people saw lemmings fall from the sky in large numbers.
- I added a comma to enclose the appositive. Also, I corrected the verb of "fell" to "fall." I think it is important to know where the lemmings are "falling" from. Or is it unknown?; This may be because in the 17th century, people saw lemmings fell from the sky in large numbers.
However, the truth is that lemmings do not commit suicide.
Lemmings, when a large concentration of them are in one area, separate into groups, and one group will migrate to find another home.
- When you used "house," it was hard to understand what you were talking about. After looking at the article, it is better to say "home."; Lemmings, when a large concentration of them are in one area, separate into groups, and one group will migrate to find another house.
They may fall, but it can hardly be considered suicide.
This myth may represent human society, as it shows how many people in society are followers, and that they copy others.
- This sentence seems so random compared to the rest of the summary. You should either focus on the lemmings or find a way to integrate humans into the summary. Therefore, I removed it.; This myth may represent human society, as it shows how many people in society are followers, and that they copy others.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/do-lemmings-really-commit-mass-suicide Edited by Michael Morrow
The Mass Suicide of Lemmings
Lemmings are small rodents, reputable for their wild nature. A myth regarding these rodents is that every few years, a group of lemmings commit mass suicide. It is said to be because they are driven by instinct to do so as a result of overpopulation. This may be because, in the 17th century, people saw lemmings fall from the sky in large numbers. Lemmings, when a large concentration of them are in one area, separate into groups, and one group will migrate to find another home. They may fall, but it can hardly be considered suicide.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/do-lemmings-really-commit-mass-suicide
The Actual Health Effects of Juice
It is common for everyone to drink juice because it's easier than eating fruits and vegetables. Plus, it contains multiple vitamins and minerals.
- Here, I did some chopping to this long sentence. I removed some words that weren't important like "almost" and "actual" and made "it is" into a contraction. I added "vegetables" because it is important to know that juices aren't just made from fruits and some juices are made up of both. I made this sentence into two to cut back on the length. In the second, I removed "also," replaced "has" with "contains," and added "multiple.";It is common for almost everyone to drink juice because it is easier than eating actual fruits and it also has vitamins and minerals.
However, experts believe that juice may not be as healthy as we think.
- I simply removed "it is" at the end. Those extra words were not needed.;However, experts believe that juice may not be as healthy as we think it is.
For example, juice does not contain dietary fiber, which is part of the fruit or vegetable your body cannot digest.
This fiber, though, is necessary for regular healthy digestion and reduces chances of diseases like obesity or diabetes.
- Here, I just shortened and simplified the sentence. I listed the "problems" as a disease since medical professionals consider them so.; This fiber, though, is necessary for regular healthy digestion and reduces chances of diseases and problems like obesity or diabetes.
Since you don't consume fiber when you drink juice, your body will only be consuming the natural sugars that can cause rapid increases in insulin.
This leads to issues such as weight gain and diabetes in the future.
A better option for your body, according to the food experts, can be smoothies with the right proportion.
- So, I removed "amount of" and took the "-ing" off of "proportion."; A better option for your body, according to the food experts, can be smoothies with the right amount of proportioning.
It's important to remember that juice will result in health problems if it is heavily consumed.
- So replaced "keep in mind" with a more basic "remember." And I replaced "overdone" with "heavily consumed" because the original word did have the right fit for a topic on juice.; It's important to keep in mind that juice will result in health problems if it is overdone.
http://time.com/5072703/drinking-juice-unhealthy-disadvantages/?xid=homepage Edited by Michael Morrow
I recommend working trying to not use long sentences and unnecessary word phrases.
The Actual Health Effects of Juice
It is common for everyone to drink juice because it’s easier than eating fruits and vegetables. Plus, it contains multiple vitamins and minerals. However, experts believe that juice may not be as healthy as we think. For example, juice does not contain dietary fiber, which is part of the fruit or vegetable your body cannot digest. This fiber, though, is necessary for regular healthy digestion and reduces chances of diseases like obesity or diabetes. Since you don't consume fiber when you drink juice, your body will only be consuming the natural sugars that can cause rapid increases in insulin. This leads to issues such as weight gain and diabetes in the future. A better option for your body, according to the food experts, can be smoothies with the right proportion. It's important to remember that juice will result in health problems if it is heavily consumed.
http://time.com/5072703/drinking-juice-unhealthy-disadvantages/?xid=homepage
Alexa
Alexa is a device by Samsung that is voice-activated and has multiple useful functionalities.
- I thought you were missing an important word that could help the sentence: "multiple." This causes me to turn "functionality" plural as well.; Alexa is a device by Samsung that is voice-activated and has useful functionality.
People are happy with the device's effectiveness and it reflects in the high sales.
- You have three repetitive "many." In order to cut back, I decided to combine the two sentences. So, instead of "Many of these devices have been sold," I simply said "high sales."; Many people are happy with its effectiveness, and many say that it works very well. Many of these devices have been sold.
Alexa, in addition to voice recognition features, also sends Amazon information about its user.
- I decided to removed the pronoun in the here, it's not needed.; Alexa, in addition to her voice recognition features, also sends Amazon information about its user.
It sends Amazon the most searched results.
- I removed "up" and added "the."; It sends Amazon most searched up results.
People, however, do not find this to be nefariously bad.
This is probably because many other household devices are similar to Alexa in terms of being "smart" and sending back results.
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/alexa-what-are-you-doing-with-my-familys-personal-info/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to avoid being wordy. Remember that in writing, less is more.
Alexa
Alexa is a device by Samsung that is voice-activated and has multiple useful functionalities. People are happy with the device's effectiveness and it reflects in the high sales. Alexa, in addition to voice recognition features, also sends Amazon information about its user. It sends Amazon the most searched results. People, however, do not find this to be nefariously bad. This is probably because many other household devices are similar to Alexa in terms of being "smart" and sending back results.
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/alexa-what-are-you-doing-with-my-familys-personal-info/
Google May Have a Biased Fact Checker
It has been noticed that almost all of the websites that Google's fact-check system chooses to inspect are conservative.
These sites have a "Reviewed Claims" section, while there is only one liberal site with this section.
For example, The Daily Caller, a conservative publication website, reported that a member of a team investigating Russian involvement in the 2016 presidential election had donated to Hillary Clinton.
The Fact Checker translated this report to mean that the team was only hiring Hillary Clinton supporters, claiming it to be misleading and giving the website three lies.
- The took the "ing" off of "meaning" because the original wording was confusing. Or you could keep the word and replace "to" with "in." And I removed the comma behind "misleading."; The Fact Checker translated this report to meaning that the team was only hiring Hillary Clinton supporters, claiming it to be misleading, and giving the website three lies.
However, this was not what the Daily Caller had stated.
- Remember to put a comma behind words like "however."; However this was not what the Daily Caller had stated.
Due to events like this, there is controversy in whether Google's new system is trustworthy.
- I removed "or not" behind "whether" because they were not needed. "Whether" does the job on its own.; Due to events like this, there is controversy in whether or not Google's new system is trustworthy.
https://www.studentnewsdaily.com/example-of-media-bias/is-googles-fact-checker-biased/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Remember to put a comma behind introductory phrases like "however" or "also." Treat it like "for example."
Google May Have a Biased Fact Checker
It has been noticed that almost all of the websites that Google's fact-check system chooses to inspect are conservative. These sites have a "Reviewed Claims" section, while there is only one liberal site with this section. For example, The Daily Caller, a conservative publication website, reported that a member of a team investigating Russian involvement in the 2016 presidential election had donated to Hillary Clinton. The Fact Checker translated this report to mean that the team was only hiring Hillary Clinton supporters, claiming it to be misleading and giving the website three lies. However, this was not what the Daily Caller had stated. Due to events like this, there is controversy in whether Google's new system is trustworthy.
https://www.studentnewsdaily.com/example-of-media-bias/is-googles-fact-checker-biased/
The Dangerous Flu Season
The flu is a very common and perpetual virus.
The Centers for Disease Control recently published a report that confirmed 2017/2018 as an unpleasant year for the flu due to the increase in the hospitalization rates for it.
- I added the source of the report to add credibility to the sentence and statement. So, I did have to change the wording for in the sentence to fit the new format.; A recent report confirmed that this year is an unpleasant year for the flu due to the increase in the hospitalization rates for it.
The reasons for this heightened flu season include the nature of the virus, H3N2, the little exposure that people receive, and its vaccine.
- Try to keep from using adjectives. For example, just because you may think something is good or bad that does not mean others will. So, in the place of "unfortunate," I'm using "heightened." ANd to remove that repetitive feel, I am omitting the second "flu" and used "virus" instead.; The reasons for this unfortunate flu season include the nature of the flu, H3N2, the little exposure that people receive to it, and its vaccine.
Every year, flu viruses undergo a mutation which is why there is no cure for the flu.
- Here, I removed "really" and I replaced "against" with "for."; Every year, flu viruses undergo a mutation which is why there really is no cure against the flu.
Since people have not been exposed to this virus, H3N2, a lot, their bodies have not yet grown immune.
In addition to this, scientists reported that this year's flu vaccine was only at most 30 percent effective in fighting H3N2, although the most effective a vaccine can be is around 60 percent.
- Here I only just added an apostrophe in "years."; In addition to this, scientists reported that this years flu vaccine was only at most 30 percent effective in fighting H3N2, although the most effective a vaccine can be is around 60 percent.
It is still important to take annual flu vaccinations and if we stay healthy then it is extremely rare for the flu to be fatal for us.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2018/01/flu-influenza-h3n2-virus-outbreak-vaccine-spd/ Edited by Michael Morrow
When writing, try to avoid adjective uasge and remember to add where a study or report is coming from.
The Dangerous Flu Season
The flu is a very common and perpetual virus. The Centers for Disease Control recently published a report that confirmed 2017/2018 as an unpleasant year for the flu due to the increase in the hospitalization rates for it. The reasons for this heightened flu season include the nature of the virus, H3N2, the little exposure that people receive, and its vaccine. Every year, flu viruses undergo a mutation which is why there is no cure for the flu. Since people have not been exposed to this virus, H3N2, a lot, their bodies have not yet grown immune. In addition to this, scientists reported that this year's flu vaccine was only at most 30 percent effective in fighting H3N2, although the most effective a vaccine can be is around 60 percent. It is still important to take annual flu vaccinations and if we stay healthy then it is extremely rare for the flu to be fatal for us.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2018/01/flu-influenza-h3n2-virus-outbreak-vaccine-spd/
Pro-Women's Movement in Ancient Rome
- I wanted to give the title a little more substance and to show more of the topic.; Women's March in Rome
Around 200 BC, Rome had a stern patriarchal society that limited women's rights.
- I replaced "rigid" with "stern." This seems to be a more fitting for the sentence.; Around 200 BC, Rome had a rigid patriarchal society that limited women's rights.
A series of laws, called the Lex Oppia, were implemented to help Rome's economy from falling, which included tax raises and restrictions on women's freedom of clothing.
For example, they were not allowed to wear a certain amount of gold.
In addition, it was made clear that husbands and fathers had more control than their wives, daughters, and mothers.
All these events created a spark that led to Roman women standing up for their rights.
- I removed " and trying to make their voices heard" because "standing up for their rights" does its job. They basically mean the same so I chose one.; All these events created a spark that led to Roman women standing up for their rights and trying to make their voices heard.
However, there were many oppositions to the repeal of the laws that restricted women's rights.
- It is difficult to understand what you are trying to say here. I am sure the word "repayment" is the reason for begin thrown off. I used "repeal" as a replacement.; However, there were many oppositions to the repayment of the laws that restricted women's rights.
The women's anger grew and they started going to every street and street corner, asking men for their support and votes.
Although there were speeches made against the passing of the bill for repeals, the women kept persisting and did not let others silence them.
The Lex Oppia was successfully repealed after 20 years.
http://www.historytoday.com/laura-mccormack/womens-march-rome Edited by Michael Morrow
Pro-Women's Movement in Ancient Rome
Around 200 BC, Rome had a stern patriarchal society that limited women's rights. A series of laws, called the Lex Oppia, were implemented to help Rome's economy from falling, which included tax raises and restrictions on women's freedom of clothing. For example, they were not allowed to wear a certain amount of gold. In addition, it was made clear that husbands and fathers had more control than their wives, daughters, and mothers. All these events created a spark that led to Roman women standing up for their rights. However, there were many oppositions to the repeal of the laws that restricted women's rights. The women's anger grew and they started going to every street and street corner, asking men for their support and votes. Although there were speeches made against the passing of the bill for repeals, the women kept persisting and did not let others silence them. The Lex Oppia was successfully repealed after 20 years.
http://www.historytoday.com/laura-mccormack/womens-march-rome
How to Make the iPhone Safer
In modern times, where the use of smartphones is prominent, a normal child spends about six hours looking at a screen.
Research shows that with more screen time, the higher the risk for suicide.
- With a strong claim like this, we need to see where this research is coming from or who is doing it. Unfortunately, the article does not show where this information is coming from.; Research shows that with more screen time, the higher the risk for suicide.
One solution to this problem would be to limit the usage of the iPhone.
- Here, I just completely simplified the sentence to make the message clearer.; One solution to this problem would be not to completely eliminate the usage of an iPhone but to limit it.
It has been shown that people who do not use the iPhone are less happy in comparison to people who use it sparingly.
Another solution would be to regulate what can be seen on the iPhone.
- I added the assumed missing word "to" and changed "could" to "can."; Another solution would be regulate what could be seen on the iPhone.
This, however, poses a problem for many social media sites.
- I added commas to the sentence to enclose "however." And I changed "to" to "for."; This however poses a problem to many social media sites.
Though difficult for other companies, making their products safer is easy for Apple and by doing so, their sales will increase, benefiting Apple and their customer.
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/does-apple-have-an-obligation-to-make-the-iphone-safer-for-kids/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Make sure you closely proofread your work. Teachers and professor will take off points for tedious and simple mistakes. Always try to find out were the research of something os coming from.
How to Make the iPhone Safer
In modern times, where the use of smartphones is prominent, a normal child spends about six hours looking at a screen. Research shows that with more screen time, the higher the risk for suicide. One solution to this problem would be to limit the usage of the iPhone. It has been shown that people who do not use the iPhone are less happy in comparison to people who use it sparingly. Another solution would be to regulate what can be seen on the iPhone. This, however, poses a problem for many social media sites. Though difficult for other companies, making their products safer is easy for Apple and by doing so, their sales will increase, benefiting Apple and their customer.
Human Growth in Space
Recently, a Japanese astronaut came back from spending three weeks at the International Space Station and claimed that he had grown 3 inches taller.
- The way "system" did not sound right and after looking at the article, it says "station" instead, which makes more sense.;Recently, a Japanese astronaut came back from spending three weeks at the International Space System and claimed that he had grown 3 inches taller.
Although the truth was that he only grew 2 centimeters, it was still an astonishing fact that proved spending time in space alters our bodies.
Human bodies are supposed to exist and grow under gravity, so when a person goes to space where there is barely any gravity, they will obviously go through physical changes.
For example, a zero-G environment causes your spine to stretch, unlike on Earth where gravity pushes the spine together and stops it from expanding.
- Here, I made a small change in the sentence. I changed "in Earth" to "on Earth."; For example, a zero-G environment causes your spine to stretch, unlike in Earth where gravity pushes the spine together and stops it from expanding.
However, there are also downsides to being in a zero-G environment that potentially risk your health due to the major differences in the environment from Earth.
Therefore, if you go to space to get taller, you will lose that height gain once you are back on Earth.
- I removed "sadly." That adverb is not needed. And I capitalized "Earth" at the end of the sentence.; Therefore, if you go to space to get taller, you will sadly lose that height gain once you are back on earth.
https://www.popsci.com/why-scott-kelly-grew-two-inches-during-his-year-in-space#page-2 Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to make sure you have the exact information from the article. Misinformation can lead to confusion and the discrediting of the writer.
Human Growth in Space
Recently, a Japanese astronaut came back from spending three weeks at the International Space Station and claimed that he had grown 3 inches taller. Although the truth was that he only grew 2 centimeters, it was still an astonishing fact that proved spending time in space alters our bodies. Human bodies are supposed to exist and grow under gravity, so when a person goes to space where there is barely any gravity, they will obviously go through physical changes. For example, a zero-G environment causes your spine to stretch, unlike on Earth where gravity pushes the spine together and stops it from expanding. However, there are also downsides to being in a zero-G environment that potentially risk your health due to the major differences in the environment from Earth. Therefore, if you go to space to get taller, you will lose that height gain once you are back on Earth.
https://www.popsci.com/why-scott-kelly-grew-two-inches-during-his-year-in-space#page-2
Degassing Cows
Every year, cows let out seven billion metric tons of carbon dioxide from their bodies into the atmosphere.
Scientists are currently working on decreasing this numerous amount of CO2 that acts as a greenhouse gas.
One possibility came up as a cure: seaweed.
A solution for the release of environmentally degrading gas is to stop raising cattle and eating beef.
- It's hard to understand what you are trying to say here. The words "Am obvious panacea" can be replaced with something simpler like "A solution."; Am obvious panacea for the release of environmentally degrading gas is to stop raising cattle and eating beef.
However, this is not an easy task for everyone, which is where seaweed comes in.
- I combined these two sentences because they were too short to stand alone and they benefit from each other.; However, this is not an easy task for everyone. That is where seaweed comes in.
In a study, seaweed reduced methane production by almost 99 percent.
The problem is that we don't have enough seaweed in the world to feed to all cows and quickly fix this situation.
- I removed the unneeded "though."; The problem, though, is that we don't have enough seaweed in the world to feed to all cows and quickly fix this situation.
Now, increasing legislation is directed towards cutting methane emissions from livestock, even if there must be some practical techniques to reduce it.
- I changed "technology" to "technique" because it seemed more fitting in the sentence.; Now, increasing legislation is directed towards cutting methane emissions from livestock, even if there must be some practical technology to reduce it.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/people-and-culture/food/the-plate/2016/11/seaweed-may-be-the-solution-for-burping-cows/?source=sitenav Edited by Michael Morrow
Degassing Cows
Every year, cows let out seven billion metric tons of carbon dioxide from their bodies into the atmosphere. Scientists are currently working on decreasing this numerous amount of CO2 that acts as a greenhouse gas. One possibility came up as a cure: seaweed. A solution for the release of environmentally degrading gas is to stop raising cattle and eating beef. However, this is not an easy task for everyone, which is where seaweed comes in. In a study, seaweed reduced methane production by almost 99 percent. The problem is that we don't have enough seaweed in the world to feed to all cows and quickly fix this situation. Now, increasing legislation is directed towards cutting methane emissions from livestock, even if there must be some practical techniques to reduce it.
Perception of Femininity and its Effect on Actions
Women are more environmentally-friendly people compared to men, which means they litter less and recycle more, and it has been thought that this behavior was caused by women's firm belief in altruism.
- I changed the wording in this sentence that was in the commas.; Women are more environmentally-friendly people compared to men, littering less and recycling more than them, and it has been thought that this behavior was caused by women's firm belief in altruism.
However, recent studies have shown that men shun eco-friendly actions as it may negatively affect their masculinity.
In the research with over 2,000 participants from both genders, results have shown that both sexes viewed a person who brought a reusable canvas bag than a plastic bag to be more feminine regardless of the person's actual gender.
In another experiment, the participants felt more feminine when they recalled an experience in which they had performed an eco-friendly deed.
According to a study, men were given a pink gift card with a floral pattern and were asked to imagine what they would buy with it, and the data reported that the men showed the pink card would imagine themselves buying non-green products as to reassert their masculinity compared to the men that were shown a standard gift card.
- I corrected the verb usage from "shown" to "showed." "Have shown" would have worked as well if you want to keep "shown." Changed "showed" to "reported." Also, the beginning was changed to "According to a study." This was to avoid the already stated "another."; In another study, men were given a pink gift card with a floral pattern and were asked to imagine what they would buy with it, and the data showed that the men shown the pink card would imagine themselves buying non-green products as to reassert their masculinity compared to the men that were shown a standard gift card.
Men, thought to be less sensitive than women, are more sensitive than they seem, where they are constantly on the lookout to avoid situations where their masculinity may be in danger.
- I omitted "though" because it really was not needed. You can remove either "actually" or "much." Both of them are not needed, one can do the job, or neither could work as well. So, I removed "much."; Men, though thought to be less sensitive than women, are actually much more sensitive than they seem, where they are constantly on the lookout to avoid situations where their masculinity may be in danger.
Therefore, pro-environmental marketers should develop masculine eco-friendly activities that will allow a man to contribute without endangering his manliness.
- I simply changed "as to" to "that will" to give it a smoother sound.; Therefore, pro-environmental marketers should develop masculine eco-friendly activities as to allow a man to contribute without endangering his manliness.
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-resist-green-behavior-as-unmanly/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Perception of Femininity and its Effect on Actions
Women are more environmentally-friendly people compared to men, which means they litter less and recycle more, and it has been thought that this behavior was caused by women's firm belief in altruism. However, recent studies have shown that men shun eco-friendly actions as it may negatively affect their masculinity. In the research with over 2,000 participants from both genders, results have shown that both sexes viewed a person who brought a reusable canvas bag than a plastic bag to be more feminine regardless of the person's actual gender. In another experiment, the participants felt more feminine when they recalled an experience in which they had performed an eco-friendly deed. According to a study, men were given a pink gift card with a floral pattern and were asked to imagine what they would buy with it, and the data reported that the men showed the pink card would imagine themselves buying non-green products as to reassert their masculinity compared to the men that were shown a standard gift card. Men, thought to be less sensitive than women, are more sensitive than they seem, where they are constantly on the lookout to avoid situations where their masculinity may be in danger. Therefore, pro-environmental marketers should develop masculine eco-friendly activities that will allow a man to contribute without endangering his manliness.
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-resist-green-behavior-as-unmanly/
The First Robot Citizen in the World
On October 25, Sophia was all over the news for becoming an actual citizen of Saudi Arabia.
She was made to look and act like a human.
- I removed the first "like" to avoid being repetitive and I think that the second "like" covers both "look and act."; She was made to look like and act like a human.
Although Sophia does not have a heart or brain, she has a sense of humor and can express feelings, which is part of the way she was designed to act.
- I removed that unnecessary "has."; Although Sophia does not have a heart or brain, she has has a sense of humor and can express feelings, which is part of the way she was designed to act.
Being a social robot, Sophia claims she wants to live and work with humans.
- I replaced "she" with "Sophia."; Being a social robot, she claims she wants to live and work with humans.
Hence, she uses emotions to "understand humans and build trust with people."
- To cut down on pronoun usage I removed "her."; Hence, she uses her emotions to "understand humans and build trust with people."
Also, in response to a worry about her harming humanity, Sophia said that she will return whatever feelings people give to her.
Although we are not sure what robotic rights are and how a robot was able to become a citizen, we have to accept Sophia into this world since she will probably be staying for a long time.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/zarastone/2017/11/07/everything-you-need-to-know-about-sophia-the-worlds-first-robot-citizen/#6469ad1646fa Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to not be so heavy on pronouns.
The First Robot Citizen in the World
On October 25, Sophia was all over the news for becoming an actual citizen of Saudi Arabia. She was made to look and act like a human. Although Sophia does not have a heart or brain, she has a sense of humor and can express feelings, which is part of the way she was designed to act. Being a social robot, Sophia claims she wants to live and work with humans. Hence, she uses emotions to "understand humans and build trust with people." Also, in response to a worry about her harming humanity, Sophia said that she will return whatever feelings people give to her. Although we are not sure what robotic rights are and how a robot was able to become a citizen, we have to accept Sophia into this world since she will probably be staying for a long time.
Inventing the Future
Douglas Engelbart, an engineer with no marketing background, gave the first live demonstration of network personal computing and came up with the idea of using computers to solve urgent problems in the world.
- I omitted "shy" from the sentence. I don't think knowing that he is shy will help move the article along.; Douglas Engelbart, a shy engineer with no marketing background, gave the first live demonstration of network personal computing and came up with the idea of using computers to solve urgent problems in the world.
In his presentation, he introduced his program called the oN-Line system which was made to help people collaborate.
- I removed the commas because they were not needed.; In his presentation, he introduced his program, called the oN-Line system, which was made to help people collaborate.
Engelbart was expecting his fellow engineers to join him and get involved in this new method of computing.
- It was more fitting to say "fellow engineers" since he was targeting people who work in the same area as he did. I changed "wave" to "method" because it flowed better. When you said "wave," it was not exactly clear on what you were saying.; Engelbart was expecting his audience (engineers) to join him and get involved in his new wave of computing.
However, the audience ended up applauding him and leaving without any further discussion.
- Here, I omitted the not needed "just."; However, the audience ended up applauding him and just leaving without any further discussion.
This was because Engelbert's work was considered farfetched and would be a huge risk to take for the engineers.
- I removed the last four words at the end because it was already implied that they would have to collaborate with him earlier. And I replaced "really" with "considered.";This was because Engelbert's work was really farfetched and it would be a huge risk to take for the engineers to collaborate with him.
Later on, he got recognition for the invention of the mouse and he also ended up winning at least 40 awards.
- I removed the comma in this sentence.; Later on, he got recognition for the invention of the mouse, and he also ended up winning at least 40 awards.
Regardless, Douglas Engelbart never felt fully appreciated for his advanced research and innovations.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/douglas-engelbart-invented-future-180967498/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to avoid being wordy and using a lot of adjectives.
Inventing the Future
Douglas Engelbart, an engineer with no marketing background, gave the first live demonstration of network personal computing and came up with the idea of using computers to solve urgent problems in the world. In his presentation, he introduced his program called the oN-Line system which was made to help people collaborate. Engelbart was expecting his fellow engineers to join him and get involved in this new method of computing. However, the audience ended up applauding him and leaving without any further discussion. This was because Engelbert's work was considered farfetched and would be a huge risk to take for the engineers. Later on, he got recognition for the invention of the mouse and he also ended up winning at least 40 awards. Regardless, Douglas Engelbart never felt fully appreciated for his advanced research and innovations.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/douglas-engelbart-invented-future-180967498/
The Decline of Science
Recently, the Trump administration has banned US public health agencies from using the following terms: vulnerable, entitlement, diversity, transgender, fetus, evidence-based, and science-based.
Agencies were outraged by this ban as the ban challenges the definition of science which is describing the material world with evidence.
- I removed the two dashes and put in a basic "which is." I know there are multiple definitions of science, but would this one be better if it said "defining" instead of "describing?"; Agencies were outraged by this ban as the ban challenges the definition of science--describing the material world with evidence.
Following the ban are the guaranteed loss of life due to the inability to maintain effective public health measures.
- In this sentence, I corrected some phrasing and "jazzed" it up some. The comma was dropped. "Loss of some lives" is now "loss of life." "Have" is now "maintain."; Following the ban are the guaranteed loss of some lives, a result of the inability to have effective public health measures.
By nature, humans prefer the ideal choice such as the "magic cure".
- I moved "by nature" to the start of the sentence. Overall, the sentence does not make sense. I'm cant draw from previous info given to help understand. I think you should really go into detail on what this "magic cure" is.; Humans, by nature, prefer the nicer, more ideal choice and as such prefer the "magic cure".
With health agencies being unable to accurately recommend and create an effective public health measure, people will die due to people choosing to go after the "magic cure."
If this ban continues, the death of many is inevitable.
SOURCE: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/trump-to-cdc-these-7-words-are-now-forbidden/ Edited by Michael Morrow
The Decline of Science
Recently, the Trump administration has banned US public health agencies from using the following terms: vulnerable, entitlement, diversity, transgender, fetus, evidence-based, and science-based. Agencies were outraged by this ban as the ban challenges the definition of science which is describing the material world with evidence. Following the ban are the guaranteed loss of life due to the inability to maintain effective public health measures. By nature, humans prefer the ideal choice such as the "magic cure". With health agencies being unable to accurately recommend and create an effective public health measure, people will die due to people choosing to go after the "magic cure." If this ban continues, the death of many is inevitable.
SOURCE: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/trump-to-cdc-these-7-words-are-now-forbidden/
Questioning the Existence of Pure Water
- I wanted to remove the question from the title while keeping the same tone as you had.; Is There A Such Thing As Pure Water?
We see bottled water brands like Poland Spring and Fiji use the words "pure," "fresh," and "clean" in their advertisements.
Companies and businesses that "purify" water make over a billion dollars promising to only bring people pure H20 out of tap water.
- Here, I enclosed "purify" in quotations. This keeps that questioning tone.; Companies and businesses that purify water make over a billion dollars promising to only bring people pure H20 out of tap water.
However, it has been proven that, unfortunately, pure water does not exist on Earth.
- What do you mean "our?" I assume it is a typo and you were meaning to say "pure."; However, it has been proven that, unfortunately, our water does not exist on Earth.
According to a chemistry professor from Oregon State University, water takes in ions from the surrounding environment, so it cannot ever be truly "clean."
- Here, you are just missing a comma behind "environment."; According to a chemistry professor from Oregon State University, water takes in ions from the surrounding environment so it cannot ever be truly "clean."
Also, the purer we try to make water, the more it will try to dissolve ions from any substance it encounters.
- I changed "more pure" to "purer." I replaced "comes in contact with" with "encounters" to cut back on word usage.; Also, the more pure we try to make water, the more it will try to dissolve ions from any substance it comes in contact with.
However, tap water in most places is still safe to drink since the water is distilled with very few impurities left.
https://www.livescience.com/61302-does-pure-water-exist.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Avoid using questions in the title. Know how to effectively use superlatives with words.
Questioning the Existence of Pure Water
We see bottled water brands like Poland Spring and Fiji use the words "pure," "fresh," and "clean" in their advertisements. Companies and businesses that "purify" water make over a billion dollars promising to only bring people pure H20 out of tap water. However, it has been proven that, unfortunately, pure water does not exist on Earth. According to a chemistry professor from Oregon State University, water takes in ions from the surrounding environment, so it cannot ever be truly "clean." Also, the purer we try to make water, the more it will try to dissolve ions from any substance it encounters. However, tap water in most places is still safe to drink since the water is distilled with very few impurities left.
https://www.livescience.com/61302-does-pure-water-exist.html
Intelligent People Likely to be Diagnosed with Mental Disorder
- In the title, I fixed it to sound smoother. I don't think "Mentally Disordered" is a phrase, so I went with "diagnosed."; Intelligent People are More Likely to be Mentally Disordered
Highly intelligent people have been shown to do well in life, for example, in school or on the job.
- THere should be a little more detail here. What do you mean by "do well in life?" Make more money? Or have happier lives? I went into the article to find that missing piece; Highly intelligent people have been shown to do well in life.
However, in an experiment done by Ruth Karpinski and her colleagues, it was shown that Mensa, a group of highly intelligent people, had more mental disorders than the general population.
This is theorized due to the brain/hyper body theory, a theory proposing that hyper-intelligence is associated with psychological and physiological overexcitabilities, or OEs, a stronger reaction to an environmental threat or insult.
- I removed a few words to try to shorten the sentence. Also, I added a hyphen between "hyper" and "intelligence."; This is theorized to be because of brain/hyper body theory, a theory proposing that hyper intelligence is associated with psychological and physiological overexcitabilities or OEs, a stronger reaction to an environmental threat or insult.
For example, an intelligent worker may overreact to a negative comment by his superior, imagining multiple negative futures, which may trigger the body's stress response and possibly increase their anxiety.
- Just to drop that last "which," I used "and possibly." This made me change "increased" to present tense. And I replaced "the person's" with "their."; For example, an intelligent worker may overreact to a negative comment by his superior, imagining multiple negative futures, which may trigger the body's stress response, which increases the person's anxiety.
Despite the correlation between IQ and mental disorders, the fact that either is the cause of the other has not been proved.
- Here, I just removed "though" because it really was not needed.; Though, despite the correlation between IQ and mental disorders, the fact that either is the cause of the other has not been proved.
If researched properly, results may answer questions on how to improve people's mental and physical states.
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/bad-news-for-the-highly-intelligent/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Try to avoid repeating words multiple times in the sentence and be more specific.
Intelligent People Likely to be Diagnosed with Mental Disorder
Highly intelligent people have been shown to do well in life, for example, in school or on the job. However, in an experiment done by Ruth Karpinski and her colleagues, it was shown that Mensa, a group of highly intelligent people, had more mental disorders than the general population. This is theorized due to the brain/hyper body theory, a theory proposing that hyper-intelligence is associated with psychological and physiological overexcitabilities, or OEs, a stronger reaction to an environmental threat or insult. For example, an intelligent worker may overreact to a negative comment by his superior, imagining multiple negative futures, which may trigger the body's stress response and possibly increase their anxiety. Despite the correlation between IQ and mental disorders, the fact that either is the cause of the other has not been proved. If researched properly, results may answer questions on how to improve people's mental and physical states.
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/bad-news-for-the-highly-intelligent/
Repetitive Sounds can be Music to Your Ears
Music includes a lot of repetition of lyrics, but recent studies show that repetition of any sound could be melodious.
A team of psychologists, at the University of California, collected around 20 different environmental sounds, like dripping water.
- So I made a couple of changes. I added commas to enclose "at the University of California" and changed "in" to "at." I omitted "had" because "collected" does the job. I removed "sounds" and changed the word order at the end of the sentence.; A team of psychologists in the University of California had collected around 20 different environmental sounds, sounds like water dripping.
Then, they had played it twice: first, individually and then, in a series with increasing repeats.
- I added commas behind the transitional phrases and placed a comma behind "twice" to give the rest of the sentence a list structure.; Then they had played it twice, first individually and then in a series with increasing repeats.
The team had found that as the repeats start to increase, the sounds became more tuneful.
The conclusion was that repetition had affected not only speech but any sound in its ability to make a sound seem good.
- The repetition of sound could easily confuse readers. So, I changed the second one to "seem."; The conclusion was that repetition had affected not only speech but any sound in its ability to make a sound sound good.
The experiment raises the question that how and why does this happen, as the sound itself does not change, only the interpretation made by the mind.
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode/repetitive-sounds-are-music-to-the-brain/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Repetitive Sounds can be Music to Your Ears
Music includes a lot of repetition of lyrics, but recent studies show that repetition of any sound could be melodious. A team of psychologists, at the University of California, collected around 20 different environmental sounds, like dripping water. Then, they had played it twice: first, individually and then, in a series with increasing repeats. The team had found that as the repeats start to increase, the sounds became more tuneful. The conclusion was that repetition had affected not only speech but any sound in its ability to make a sound seem good. The experiment raises the question that how and why does this happen, as the sound itself does not change, only the interpretation made by the mind.
SOURCE: https://www.scientificamerican.com/podcast/episode/repetitive-sounds-are-music-to-the-brain/
The History of the Swastika
The swastika is a figure shaped like an X with sticks at the end of each leg bending to the right at 90 degrees.
At first, it was a symbol representing well-being and used in Buddhism and Hinduism.
- In this sentence, I changed "for" to "representing." And I decided that these two could be combined because the second one really was not standing own its own.; At first, it was a symbol for well-being.It was used in Buddhism and Hinduism.
Then, the symbol was used by Adolf Hitler and the Nazi Party in Germany.
- Here, I combined the sentences here also. Since the sentences are short, some cant really be own their own.; Then, the symbol was used by Adolf Hitler.It was used to represent the Nazi forces of Germany.
Ever since then, the symbol has been corrupted and was not used to invoke well-being.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/how-the-symbolism-of-the-swastika-was-ruined Edited by Michael Morrow
Consider revising this passage with longer sentences.
The History of the Swastika
The swastika is a figure shaped like an X with sticks at the end of each leg bending to the right at 90 degrees. At first, it was a symbol representing well-being and used in Buddhism and Hinduism. Then, the symbol was used by Adolf Hitler and the Nazi Party in Germany. Ever since then, the symbol has been corrupted and was not used to invoke well-being.
SOURCE: https://www.britannica.com/story/how-the-symbolism-of-the-swastika-was-ruined
Mysterious Whirlpools in the Ocean
Throughout the southern seas, scientists have discovered rotating masses of water, called eddies, that look like whirlpools.
In pairs, eddies can go ten times faster than when they are alone and can take in small marine animals.
- I removed the comma and "they." The pronoun really isn't needed since we already who you're referring to.; In pairs, eddies can go ten times faster than when they are alone, and they can take in small marine animals.
Eddies are often created by large turbulent ocean currents and transport nutrients that are usually found in deeper waters.
- It seems like there is something missing where "turbulence" is. You could either put "in" before "larger" or change it to "large turbulent ocean currents."; Eddies are often created by turbulence larger ocean currents and they transport nutrients that are usually found in deeper waters.
This is beneficial because it is important for transporting heat from the equator to the waters near the poles.
- I removed "actually" to be more concise with just "beneficial."; This is actually beneficial because it is important for transporting heat from the equator to the waters near the poles.
Scientists also noticed a smoke ring going the opposite direction of the eddies.
Smoke rings can be made when two eddies spinning in opposite directions crash into each other.
There is also a possibility that fish may follow the eddies because of the materials and resources carried by them.
https://www.popsci.com/mysterious-double-whirlpools-ocean#page-4 Edited by Michael Morrow
Mysterious Whirlpools in the Ocean
Throughout the southern seas, scientists have discovered rotating masses of water, called eddies, that look like whirlpools. In pairs, eddies can go ten times faster than when they are alone and can take in small marine animals. Eddies are often created by large turbulent ocean currents and transport nutrients that are usually found in deeper waters. This is beneficial because it is important for transporting heat from the equator to the waters near the poles. Scientists also noticed a smoke ring going the opposite direction of the eddies. Smoke rings can be made when two eddies spinning in opposite directions crash into each other. There is also a possibility that fish may follow the eddies because of the materials and resources carried by them.
https://www.popsci.com/mysterious-double-whirlpools-ocean#page-4
History of the Slave Trade
Starting from the 17th century, millions of Africans were forced to the New World to perform back-breaking labor under harsh conditions.
- The main correction I had here was the term "African American." The term to use is more on the "African" side than "African-American."; Starting from the 17th century, millions of African Americans were forced to the New World to perform back-breaking labor under harsh conditions.
Even though the British abolished slave trading in 1807, illegal slave trading continued.
- Here I just removed the unnecessary word "still."; Even though the British abolished slave trading in 1807, illegal slave trading still continued.
It was a barbaric practice and started a series of resistance and movements among the slaves.
- I omitted "very" because "barbaric" is a strong enough word to stand on its own. Also, I changed "African Americans" to "slaves."; It was a very barbaric practice and started a series of resistance and movements among the African Americans.
The middle passage of the Trans-Atlantic slave trade was possibly even more brutal for the slaves.
- I omitted "if that was possible" and replaced it with "possibly." This removes unneeded words from the sentence.; The middle passage of the Trans-Atlantic slave trade was even more brutal for the slaves, if that was possible.
In the West Indies, slaves started to unite and resist slavery, one way being through the religion of Christianity.
Their revolts were effective and by the late 1800s, resistance by slaves and abolitionists slowly got rid of practices of slavery.
https://scholar.library.miami.edu/slaves/slave_trade/slave_trade.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Work on word choice and try to avoid wordiness.
History of the Slave Trade
Starting from the 17th century, millions of Africans were forced to the New World to perform back-breaking labor under harsh conditions. Even though the British abolished slave trading in 1807, illegal slave trading continued. It was a barbaric practice and started a series of resistance and movements among the slaves. The middle passage of the Trans-Atlantic slave trade was possibly even more brutal for the slaves. In the West Indies, slaves started to unite and resist slavery, one way being through the religion of Christianity. Their revolts were effective and by the late 1800s, resistance by slaves and abolitionists slowly got rid of practices of slavery.
https://scholar.library.miami.edu/slaves/slave_trade/slave_trade.html
The Inventor of Figure Skating
Jackson Haines was first known for his stunts on ice before figure skating was a sport.
His path to fame was full of obstacles and it took a long time to convince Europeans to watch "ice dancing".
- I removed "though" because it really was not needed.; His path to fame was full of obstacles, though, and it took a long time to convince Europeans to watch "ice dancing".
Ice skating had already existed since 3000 BC, but unfortunately figure skating took a longer time to be accepted.
- I suggest that this sentence can be omitted completely because it does not do much for what you are saying and what is being said here is almost the same as what is being said in the previous sentence. But, if you wanted to you could replace "but unfortunately" with "however" if you want to keep the sentence.;Ice skating had already existed since 3000 BC, but unfortunately figure skating took a longer time to be accepted.
Jackson Haines was a professionally trained dancer and wanted to start dancing on ice.
Since he wasn't able to move forward with his idea in America, he headed to Europe, where he attracted large audiences and won prizes for his performances.
Later, skate blades were added under his boots to make movements easier.
- In this sentence, I moved some words around and omitted some words as well.; Later on, he added skate blades under his boots to make his movements easier.
Haines did not ever get the opportunity to bring his popular figure skating back to America, but over time his dancing became incorporated into many other dances on ice and made its way to other nations.
http://www.history.com/news/the-man-who-invented-figure-skating-was-laughed-out-of-america Edited by Michael Morrow
I suggest working on word choice and try to avoid the repeatition of information.
The Inventor of Figure Skating
Jackson Haines was first known for his stunts on ice before figure skating was a sport. His path to fame was full of obstacles and it took a long time to convince Europeans to watch "ice dancing". Jackson Haines was a professionally trained dancer and wanted to start dancing on ice. Since he wasn't able to move forward with his idea in America, he headed to Europe, where he attracted large audiences and won prizes for his performances. Later, skate blades were added under his boots to make movements easier. Haines did not ever get the opportunity to bring his popular figure skating back to America, but over time his dancing became incorporated into many other dances on ice and made its way to other nations.
http://www.history.com/news/the-man-who-invented-figure-skating-was-laughed-out-of-america
Why Fractions Are So Complicated for Most Americans
In a study, it was shown that only 24% of eighth graders could accurately answer basic fraction equations.
- So, in the sentence, I added a comma behind the introductory phrase "in a study." Also, I changed "simple question on fractions" to "basic fraction equations." I made the change because I wanted it to go into the direction of what language is used in education. You would see "basic" not "simple" and instead of "questions" you would see "equations."; In a study it was shown that only 24% of eighth graders could accurately answer a simple question on fractions.
Studies similar to this led to the conclusion that, unfortunately, U.S. children do worse on these problems compared to children studying in Europe or Asia.
There are two main types of difficulty: inherent and culturally contingent factors.
Inherent difficulties include notations to express fractions, relations between whole numbers and fractions, and the different arithmetic operations to use.
Culturally contingent factors include explanations of teachers, the language in which fractions are taught, and the way textbooks present the problems.
So, what can be done about the fact that many children and adults do not fully understand fractions?
- This sentence needed a comma behind "so.";So what can be done about the fact that many children and adults do not fully understand fractions?
To start, teachers should maintain a more complex understanding of fractions, the subject can be taught with clearer methods, and textbooks can present more challenging problems.
- Here, I changed the word choice while trying to use diction that would be used in a educational setting.;To start, teachers can get deeper understandings of fractions, the subject can be taught in clearer manners, and textbooks can present more challenging problems.
In response, a program called "Fraction Face-off!" was designed to help improve the knowledge of fractions in children from low-income backgrounds.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fractions-where-it-all-goes-wrong/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Why Fractions Are So Complicated for Most Americans
In a study, it was shown that only 24% of eighth graders could accurately answer basic fraction equations. Studies similar to this led to the conclusion that, unfortunately, U.S. children do worse on these problems compared to children studying in Europe or Asia. There are two main types of difficulty: inherent and culturally contingent factors. Inherent difficulties include notations to express fractions, relations between whole numbers and fractions, and the different arithmetic operations to use. Culturally contingent factors include explanations of teachers, the language in which fractions are taught, and the way textbooks present the problems. So, what can be done about the fact that many children and adults do not fully understand fractions? To start, teachers should maintain a more complex understanding of fractions, the subject can be taught with clearer methods, and textbooks can present more challenging problems.In response, a program called "Fraction Face-off!" was designed to help improve the knowledge of fractions in children from low-income backgrounds.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/fractions-where-it-all-goes-wrong/
The Waltz: A Once Forbidden Dance
- I added "the waltz" just to make the title more concise.; A Once Forbidden Dance
People today are familiar with the waltz, which has become a holiday traditional dance.
- I removed the words: very and even. They weren't needed and did not anything for the sentence.; People today are very familiar with the waltz, which has even become a holiday traditional dance.
However, a surprising fact about this dance is that it started out as a form of rebellion by teenagers in the ballrooms of Vienna many years ago.
It caused indignation and brought about changes in European society.
By the late 1700s, the waltz was spreading throughout Europe and was adopted quickly, except for elders and conservatives.
- Here it seemed like you were missing a verb to help the read. Also, I replaced "with the exception of" with "except for" just to have more concise language.; By the late 1700s, the waltz spread throughout Europe and was adopted quickly, with the exception of elders and conservatives.
These opponents claimed it was "too tactile" and not moral for unwed women.
Despite these criticisms, the popularity of the waltz led to the opening of the first public dance hall in Europe and other nations following soon after.
- I dropped the comma and used "and."; Despite these criticisms, the popularity of the waltz led to the opening of the first public dance hall in Europe, other nations following soon after.
Soon, the waltz spread to the United States after the Civil War, creating American versions of the dance.
- I reworded the sentence to add a transition and removed the unnecessary word "even."; The waltz even spread to the United States after the Civil War, creating American versions of the dance.
The waltz was a widely enjoyed activity, all the way up to the 20th century.
- "Majorly" did not seem to fit here like "widely" could.; The waltz was a majorly enjoyed activity, all the way up to the 20th century.
I recommend working on using more concise language.
The Waltz: A Once Forbidden Dance
People today are familiar with the waltz, which has become a holiday traditional dance. However, a surprising fact about this dance is that it started out as a form of rebellion by teenagers in the ballrooms of Vienna many years ago. It caused indignation and brought about changes in European society. By the late 1700s, the waltz was spreading throughout Europe and was adopted quickly, except for elders and conservatives. Despite these criticisms, the popularity of the waltz led to the opening of the first public dance hall in Europe and other nations following soon after. Soon, the waltz spread to the United States after the Civil War, creating American versions of the dance. The waltz was a widely enjoyed activity, all the way up to the 20th century.
The Significance of the Plymouth Rock
Plymouth Rock is a granite stone that symbolizes the newfound nation of Plymouth, founded by William Bradford and the Mayflower pilgrims.
- I joined "new found" to make one word or it could be changed into "newly found."; Plymouth Rock is a granite stone that symbolizes the new found nation of Plymouth, founded by William Bradford and the Mayflower pilgrims.
In 1774, the rock split in half and was said to represent the breach between England and the American colonies.
- I changed the article used in this sentence from "a" to "the." This is something specific and even though the two had many skirmishes, the breach is still this one main idea.; In 1774, the rock split in half and was said to represent a breach between England and the American colonies.
The top half of the rock was sent to the town square in an attempt to irk New Englanders so that they would want to gain independence from the mother country.
- I added the article "an" before attempt. I am going to assume that missing word between "sent" and "the" is "to." Also, I changed "peeve" to "irk." When begin used like this, "irk" is more common than "peeve."; The top half of the rock was sent the town square in attempt to peeve New Englanders so that they would want to gain independence from the mother country.
The other half of the rock was gradually chipped away at by people who wanted their share of its history.
For the colonists, Plymouth Rock is more than a rock carried from another continent, it defines who they are as a people.
- I combined these two sentences and changed some other things in this sentence.I removed one of the "Plymouths" used here, so I chose the first one and turned it into "colonists" because that's what they were. I removed "out," it was not needed.; For the people of Plymouth, the Plymouth Rock is more than a rock carried out from another continent. It defines who they are as a people.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/the-true-story-behind-plymouth-rock-639690/
I recommend that you reread your work for errors. And read it aloud. I have learned that you can catch a lot of errors from when you say what you are writing.
The Significance of the Plymouth Rock
Plymouth Rock is a granite stone that symbolizes the newfound nation of Plymouth, founded by William Bradford and the Mayflower pilgrims. In 1774, the rock split in half and was said to represent the breach between England and the American colonies. The top half of the rock was sent to the town square in an attempt to irk New Englanders so that they would want to gain independence from the mother country. For the colonists, Plymouth Rock is more than a rock carried from another continent, it defines who they are as a people.
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smithsonian-institution/the-true-story-behind-plymouth-rock-639690/
DNA Going Digital
- I decided to change the title to show the reader what the article is saying. "Digital DNA" did not say what the article is about and what the subject matter is. To some, it could have looked like a music album title. So, be more specific in your titles. You see only one or two words could help readers understand the subject matter.; Digital DNA
Recently, biology has become more digitized, meaning computers can be used for things such as analyzing DNA and operating equipment.
This modernization, though, can lead to several risks, including the vandalization of machines and creation of dangerous materials.
For example, in 2010, a nuclear plant in Iran was found to have a harmful computer virus which attacked all equipment controlled by computers.
- Instead of "deleterious," you could use "harmful." I am finding out more and more that when people read they want something simple and not having to look up every word. Yes, big words like "deleterious" are good to use, but in some cases, using a simplified word is fine too.; For example, in 2010, a nuclear plant in Iran was found to have a deleterious computer virus which attacked all equipment controlled by computers.
Today scientists are also able to chemically make synthetic DNA which is almost as easy to mess with as written documents are and it can be destructive.
- I combined the two sentences here. I thought they would mesh well together. I conjoined them with a simple "which." I changed the beginning of the sentence by making "today" the first word and moving also a few words down. I omitted that comma behind "and" because it was not needed. It was not needed in the original sentence as well. Also, I cut down on a few words.; Also, today scientists are able to chemically make synthetic DNA. This is almost as easy to mess with as it is with written documents, and it can be destructive.
Not all digitalized biotechnology is harmful, seeing that they help scientists and researchers follow experiments and discover new information.
- I changed the verb from "are" to "is" in the beginning. I thought it would be more fitting if the word used was "digitalized" instead of "digitizing." I omitted "through with" because they were just not needed words.; Not all digitizing biotechnology are harmful, seeing that they help scientists and researchers follow through with experiments and discover new information.
Either way, the security of the digital DNA interface is important to think about.
https://www.livescience.com/61131-digital-dna-cyberbiosecurity-risks.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Work on being more specific and word choice.
DNA Going Digital
Recently, biology has become more digitized, meaning computers can be used for things such as analyzing DNA and operating equipment. This modernization, though, can lead to several risks, including the vandalization of machines and creation of dangerous materials. For example, in 2010, a nuclear plant in Iran was found to have a harmful computer virus which attacked all equipment controlled by computers. Today scientists are also able to chemically make synthetic DNA which is almost as easy to mess with as written documents are and it can be destructive. Not all digitalized biotechnology is harmful, seeing that they help scientists and researchers follow experiments and discover new information. Either way, the security of the digital DNA interface is important to think about.
https://www.livescience.com/61131-digital-dna-cyberbiosecurity-risks.html
Too Much Intelligence Can Be Harmful
People with high IQs are shown to succeed more than others in academic environments and workplaces.
- I changed "school" to "academic" to give the phrase a more proper sound.; People with high IQs are shown to succeed more than others in school environments and workplaces.
Also, they tend to have a longer life span and healthier lives.
- I moved "also" to the front of the sentence to give the sentence a transition and to possibly hint at what you will be writing on.; They also tend to have longer life spans and healthier lives.
Contrary to that, a study published by researcher Ruth Karpinski and her colleagues found that these people are prone to suffer from various disorders.
- Here, I cut the sentence down some. I dropped the unneeded adjectives because they don't help with what you are writing. I turned "more likely" into "prone" and "a variety of serious" to "various." Try to use more concise and straightforward language instead of lengthy, wordy phrases.; Unfortunately, a study published by researcher Ruth Karpinski and her colleagues found that these exceptionally smart people are more likely to suffer from a variety of serious disorders.
Karpinski proposed the hyper brain/body theory to explain the association of "psychological and physiological overexcitabilities," or OEs, with being highly intelligent.
- I removed "or OEs" from the quotations and left it on the outside because of thats really something that can be used as an aside and not be quoted.; Karpinski proposed the hyper brain/body theory to explain the association of "psychological and physiological overexcitabilities or OEs" with being highly intelligent.
These OEs include a susceptibility to worry and stress more.
However, since this study was taken among people in Mensa, it cannot be concluded yet that high intelligence is the cause of the disorders.
Although these findings do promise further research on the link between intelligence and health, people with higher IQs should watch their health carefully.
- I added "do" here because the sentence did not seem to make sense without it. Plus, it seems like this sentence is missing the second half. When using "although" in a sentence think of it like a compare and contrast deal. Because you are saying "although more research is to be done, we can conclude that..." I added that "second part," but I am sure you can create a better one. So, I do recommend a revision.; Although, these findings promise further research on the link between intelligence and health.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/bad-news-for-the-highly-intelligent/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Consider using more transitions to help move the reading along. Work on word choice, Use more concise language and not too many adjectives.
Too Much Intelligence Can Be Harmful
People with high IQs are shown to succeed more than others in academic environments and workplaces. Also, they tend to have a longer life span and healthier lives. Contrary to that, a study published by researcher Ruth Karpinski and her colleagues found that these people are prone to suffer from various disorders. Karpinski proposed the hyper brain/body theory to explain the association of "psychological and physiological overexcitabilities," or OEs, with being highly intelligent. These OEs include a susceptibility to worry and stress more. However, since this study was taken among people in Mensa, it cannot be concluded yet that high intelligence is the cause of the disorders. Although these findings do promise further research on the link between intelligence and health, people with higher IQs should watch their health carefully.
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/bad-news-for-the-highly-intelligent/
Rosa Parks Making Impacts Before the Bus Incident
Rosa Parks is well-known for her stance during the Montgomery Bus Boycott in 1956.
- This sentence was a little confusing and led me to believe that something was missing from it. I added a hyphen between "well" and "known." And I added some much needed clarification. The incident I think you are talking about happened during the boycott in 1956. The botcott started in 1955 and it was not "her" boycott.; Rosa Parks is well known for her Montgomery Bus Boycott is 1955.
However, more than a decade before this, she joined the National Association of Colored People and worked on criminal justice, specifically in Alabama.
One of her motivations was when a white male neighbor attempted to sexually assault her.
- I changed "the time" to "when" and added "sexually" to the sentence. Be specific. Assault has multiple definentions; it could mean he tried to fight her.;One of her motivations was the time a white male neighbor attempted to assault her.
Rosa Parks was also part of the documentary film "The Rape of Recy Taylor," which is a tribute to black women throughout the ages.
This film was just recently released, showing that this story, including others of the civil rights movement, is not one to be forgotten.
It will finally give 98-year-old Recy Taylor the chance to tell her story that was denied in the 1940s.
http://www.history.com/news/before-the-bus-rosa-parks-was-a-sexual-assault-investigator Edited by Michael Morrow
Make sure you have the correct information down before you use it. Do some extra research if you have to. Readers who know about the subject will immediately discredit your work if your info isn’t correct. And be specific on what you speak on. If you say “assault,” tell the reader what kind of assault.
Rosa Parks Making Impacts Before the Bus Incident
Rosa Parks is well-known for her stance during the Montgomery Bus Boycott in 1956. However, more than a decade before this, she joined the National Association of Colored People and worked on criminal justice, specifically in Alabama. One of her motivations was when a white male neighbor attempted to sexually assault her. Rosa Parks was also part of the documentary film "The Rape of Recy Taylor," which is a tribute to black women throughout the ages. This film was just recently released, showing that this story, including others of the civil rights movement, is not one to be forgotten. It will finally give 98-year-old Recy Taylor the chance to tell her story that was denied in the 1940s.
http://www.history.com/news/before-the-bus-rosa-parks-was-a-sexual-assault-investigator
Underwater Ice Cave
- I thought it would make more sense if the title said "cave" instead of "age" since that's the main focus.; Underwater Ice Age
Under the Pie-XII Park in Montreal, a network of caves from the latest Ice Age was discovered.
- I just changed the verb form from "were" to "was."; Under the Pie-XII Park in Montreal, a network of caves from the latest Ice Age were discovered.
This network was undiscovered for many years.
- I cut off a few words that really was not needed. But with the shortness of the revised sentence, this could be joined with the next sentence by a semicolon.; This network was left undiscovered for many years until now.
Cave explorers found a small opening behind one cave, where they found a large room.
- Here, I reworded the sentence and tried to remove some of the wordiness.; The cave explorers found a small opening behind one cave, in which they found a large room.
However, since the cave walls were made of solid limestone, two years of "industrial-strength" drilling was required to search beyond this small hole.
Once explorers gained a passage into the room, they saw 20 feet of perfectly structured ceilings and linings of stalagmites and stalactites.
- I took off a few words, removed the comma, and added "of."; Once the explorers gained a passage through the large room, they saw 20 feet, perfectly structured ceilings and linings of stalagmites and stalactites.
It was concluded that these caves were freed by receding glaciers.
Since water is currently spilling into the deeper reaches of the cave, the explorers will resume their discovery and research once the water recedes.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/12/cave-discovery-montreal-st-leonard-ice-age-spd/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Make sure to try to avoid being wordy. That was the main thing for this passage.
Underwater Ice Cave
Under the Pie-XII Park in Montreal, a network of caves from the latest Ice Age was discovered. This network was undiscovered for many years. Cave explorers found a small opening behind one cave, where they found a large room. However, since the cave walls were made of solid limestone, two years of "industrial-strength" drilling was required to search beyond this small hole. Once explorers gained a passage into the room, they saw 20 feet of perfectly structured ceilings and linings of stalagmites and stalactites. It was concluded that these caves were freed by receding glaciers. Since water is currently spilling into the deeper reaches of the cave, the explorers will resume their discovery and research once the water recedes.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/12/cave-discovery-montreal-st-leonard-ice-age-spd/
The Brain of Dogs Versus Cats
A new study has shown that dogs are possibly more intelligent than cats.
This is because of the cerebral cortexes of dogs have twice as more neurons than cats, which means they have more brain cells for thought processes, planning, and behavior.
- I changed "due to the fact that" to "because of" to cut down on wordiness and it says the same thing just in two words rather than five.;This is due to the fact that the cerebral cortexes of dogs have twice as more neurons than cats, which means they have more brain cells for thought processes, planning, and behavior.
In the study, led by Vanderbilt University professor, Suzana Herculano-Houzel, it was proved that certain mammals must outsmart prey to survive, so they have more neurons.
- I thought here it was important to add where or who this study is coming from.; In the study, it was proved that certain mammals must outsmart prey to survive, so they have more neurons.
In addition, animals with larger brains, like non-carnivores, also have more neurons.
Out of all the mammals used in the study, the dog, specifically, the golden retriever, had the greatest number of cortical neurons: 627 million.
- So, I removed the parenthesis and added commas to introduce the specific breed a little better. Also, I omitted the hyphen and added a colon at the end of the sentence. Colons introduce more information on the topic rather than the hyphen. I changed "amount" to "number" as well. ; Out of all the mammals used in the study, the dog (golden retriever) had the greatest amount of cortical neurons - 627 million.
However, the researchers state that their results don't lead to the fact that dogs are more intelligent than cats.
- When it comes to "smarter and more intelligent," I say pick a word. Both are not needed and this cuts down on word usage.; However, the researchers state that their results don't lead to the fact that dogs are smarter and more intelligent than cats.
In order to truly compare their cognitive capabilities, more comparisons on these species will have to be performed.
http://time.com/5043239/dogs-smarter-cats-study/?xid=homepage Edited by Michael Morrow
In the future instead of using hyphens try to see if a colon would work. They are used into introduce more information on the topic like the number of neurons found. And try to avoid wordiness.
The Brain of Dogs Versus Cats
A new study has shown that dogs are possibly more intelligent than cats. This is because of the cerebral cortexes of dogs have twice as more neurons than cats, which means they have more brain cells for thought processes, planning, and behavior. In the study, led by Vanderbilt University professor, Suzana Herculano-Houzel, it was proved that certain mammals must outsmart prey to survive, so they have more neurons. In addition, animals with larger brains, like non-carnivores, also have more neurons. Out of all the mammals used in the study, the dog, specifically, the golden retriever, had the greatest number of cortical neurons: 627 million. However, the researchers state that their results don't lead to the fact that dogs are more intelligent than cats. In order to truly compare their cognitive capabilities, more comparisons on these species will have to be performed.
http://time.com/5043239/dogs-smarter-cats-study/?xid=homepage
Artificial Glaciers Water the Himalayas
Due to climate change, glaciers have shrunk and rainfall and temperatures became unpredictable in areas near the mountains, like the region of Ladakh in India.
Two years ago, in 2015, $125,000 was raised to build a 64-foot tall "ice-stupa."
- I changed "feet" to "foot" and added a hyphen between "64" and "foot.";Two years ago, in 2015, $125,000 was raised to build a 64 feet tall "ice-stupa."
This is an artificial glacier that spouts water from mountain streams like a geyser.
It was created to stay frozen until it gets warmer for the sun to melt it.
Each ice-stupa supplies about ten million liters of water per year, enough to irrigate 25 acres of farmland.
This method has been spreading across mountains all over the world.
At the time being, water shortage is a major issue and it might disable future generations from farming.
If the local farmers start adapting to climate change now, they would be greatly assisting their descendants.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2017/04/explore-desert-glaciers/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Good job on this one!
Artificial Glaciers Water the Himalayas
Due to climate change, glaciers have shrunk and rainfall and temperatures became unpredictable in areas near the mountains, like the region of Ladakh in India. Two years ago, in 2015, $125,000 was raised to build a 64-foot tall "ice-stupa." This is an artificial glacier that spouts water from mountain streams like a geyser. It was created to stay frozen until it gets warmer for the sun to melt it. Each ice-stupa supplies about ten million liters of water per year, enough to irrigate 25 acres of farmland. This method has been spreading across mountains all over the world. At the time being, water shortage is a major issue and it might disable future generations from farming. If the local farmers start adapting to climate change now, they would be greatly assisting their descendants.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2017/04/explore-desert-glaciers/
How Turtles Hibernate Underwater
- I thought the title could use a revision. The revised title says what the article is going to go into detail about.; Turtle Hibernation in Water
Being an ectotherm, a cold-blood animal, a turtle's body temperature changes with that of its environment, so if it is 1° Celsius outside, the turtle's body will also be that temperature.
- Remember that it is important that you define terms that may not be familiar to the readers. Like "ectotherm" should have a simple definition so that when the word is mentioned again, they will know what it means. I added the degree symbol in front of "Celsius." I haven't figured out the keyboard trick, but I just copied and pasted the symbol.; Being an ectotherm, a turtle's body temperature changes with that of its environment, so if it is 1 degree Celsius outside, the turtle's body will also be that temperature.
When going into hibernation, turtles depend on stored energy and oxygen in the pond water they are in, which they take in through their butts; this is called cloacal respiration.
- This is a good sentence, however, I tried to find a good replacement for "butts." I guess it is okay if the article uses it. If there is a way to get around using words like this, it can be taken. I thought these two sentences could be joined. The second sentence wasn't too strong to stand on its own.; When going into hibernation, turtles depend on stored energy and oxygen in the pond water they are in, which they take in through their butts. This is called cloacal respiration.
However, even ectothermic animals have their temperature limits.
Most turtles cannot survive in freezing temperatures, so they hibernate in fresh water.
Biologists observed the turtles to find out that they can survive in cold temperatures only for about 100 days.
- So the main issue here is that we don't know where this research is coming from. We need to know what institution established this research or who did the work and their position. Knowing this will make all of this research presented legitimate. I found the original article and found that biologists did the work since there is no name or institution included.; In a science lab, they were observed to have survived in cold temperatures only for about 100 days.
It is important to understand how turtles adapt to different climate changes since recently they are at a risk of going extinct.
https://www.livescience.com/61018-turtles-breathe-through-butt.html Edited by Michael Morrow
If there is any way around using some unprofessional slang, try to see what can be done. I do recommend using different variations of sentence length, however, sometimes shorter one tends to be a little weaker than others. So, if you do have a shorter sentence, see if it similar in content with the sentence before or after it and maybe join it there.
How Turtles Hibernate Underwater
Being an ectotherm, a cold-blood animal, a turtle's body temperature changes with that of its environment, so if it is 1° Celsius outside, the turtle's body will also be that temperature. When going into hibernation, turtles depend on stored energy and oxygen in the pond water they are in, which they take in through their butts; this is called cloacal respiration. However, even ectothermic animals have their temperature limits. Most turtles cannot survive in freezing temperatures, so they hibernate in fresh water. Biologists observed the turtles to find out that they can survive in cold temperatures only for about 100 days. It is important to understand how turtles adapt to different climate changes since recently they are at a risk of going extinct.
https://www.livescience.com/61018-turtles-breathe-through-butt.html
Earth's Rotation Slowing Down
According to new research, the rotation of the Earth may slow down a little next year, which can result in an increase in earthquakes.
- Remember to always capitalize the "E" in "Earth" when talking about the planet.; According to new research, the rotation of the earth may slow down a little next year, which can result in an increase in earthquakes.
Since 1900, there were about 15 earthquakes with a magnitude above six per year, but there were periods when this number rose to 35 earthquakes.
- I omitted the numerical number of six and spelled it out however 35 can remain the same.; Since 1900, there were about 15 earthquakes with a magnitude above 6 per year, but there were periods when this number rose to 35 earthquakes.
Geophysicists found that these periods aligned with the times that the earth spun slower and the days were longer.
According to data, the planet "is entering a period of prolonged slower rotation" and "next year could see more quakes."
- With this sentence I recommend just quoting right from the article.; Based on their data, the earth is now entering a period of continuous slower rotation, so this can lead to more earthquakes next year.
This information can be useful to know beforehand in order to perform construction and do city-planning with earthquake-safe techniques.
Plus, it does not take a major change in the rotation to have an effect on the Earth's interior stress.
- Added an article before "rotation." And I capitalized the "E" in "Earth." ; Plus, it does not take a major change in rotation to have an effect on the earth's interior stress.
You should type out any number below ten. The more scientific the article the more you need to use names of researchers and prominent people in the field. And remember that when referring to the planet Earth or any other planet, always capitalize the first letter.
https://www.livescience.com/60989-slow-earth-rotation-triggers-earthquakes.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Earth's Rotation Slowing Down
According to new research, the rotation of the Earth may slow down a little next year, which can result in an increase in earthquakes. Since 1900, there were about 15 earthquakes with a magnitude above six per year, but there were periods when this number rose to 35 earthquakes. Geophysicists found that these periods aligned with the times that the earth spun slower and the days were longer. According to data, the planet "is entering a period of prolonged slower rotation" and "next year could see more quakes." This information can be useful to know beforehand in order to perform construction and do city-planning with earthquake-safe techniques. Plus, it does not take a major change in the rotation to have an effect on the Earth's interior stress.
https://www.livescience.com/60989-slow-earth-rotation-triggers-earthquakes.html
The Person Responsible for the Wipeout of Native Americans
- I removed the hyphen between "wipe" and "out" and combined the words, it is a compound word. I recommend looking up certain words that may or may not have a hyphen. Those are normally tricky to figure out.; The Person Responsible for the Wipe-out of Native Americans
Around 1876, the Native Americans and buffalo of the Great Plains were killed off due to the actions of an American general, William Tecumseh Sherman.
- I don't believe "eliminated" is the right word, you can use something much more concise like "destroyed," "terminated," or more specifically "killed off." The phrase "because of a deep respected" was omitted because this part can be more concise and the words can be replaced with "due to the actions of an."; Around 1876, the Native Americans and buffalo of the Great Plains were eliminated because of a deep respected American general, William Tecumseh Sherman.
He is well known for his march across Georgia during the Civil War, but people do not really know him for annihilating almost all of the United States' buffalo and relocating a numerous amount of indigenous people.
- I think "bloody" can be removed if we're not going to get any detail on the march during the Civil War. Using that adjective draws in the readers and give them the mindset that they will be reading about that subject.; He is well known for his bloody march across Georgia during the Civil War, but people do not really know him for annihilating almost all of the United State's buffalo and relocating a numerous amount of indigenous people.
After the Civil War ended, the U.S. targeted the west for more land, so Sherman was given the job of forcing Native Americans onto reservations, taking over their land, and protecting the settlers.
As for the buffalo, they were an important part of Native American life; therefore, the idea was that removing the buffalo would get rid of the Native Americans much faster.
- These two sentences can be combined, so I so by placing a semicolon between "life" and "therefore."; As for the buffalo, they were an important part of Native American life. Therefore, the idea was that removing the buffalo would get rid of the Native Americans much faster.
Though many Americans admired William Sherman for his actions to help the U.S., it still was not ethically right to destroy Native American culture.
- I edited the last part of this sentence to give it a bitter read. I added "ethically" because it seems that this is apart of the argument; you could also use "morally." Then, I omitted "of him to fight" and got straight to the point.;Though many Americans admired William Sherman for his actions to help the U.S., it still was not right of him to fight to destroy Native American culture.
The Person Responsible for the Wipeout of Native Americans
Around 1876, the Native Americans and buffalo of the Great Plains were killed off due to the actions of an American general, William Tecumseh Sherman. He is well known for his march across Georgia during the Civil War, but people do not really know him for annihilating almost all of the United States’ buffalo and relocating a numerous amount of indigenous people. After the Civil War ended, the U.S. targeted the west for more land, so Sherman was given the job of forcing Native Americans onto reservations, taking over their land, and protecting the settlers. As for the buffalo, they were an important part of Native American life; therefore, the idea was that removing the buffalo would get rid of the Native Americans much faster. Though many Americans admired William Sherman for his actions to help the U.S., it still was not ethically right to destroy Native American culture.
The Reason Why We're All So Attracted to Facebook Ads
Almost everyone has been targeted and lured by ads, whether it be on social media or television commercials.
Focusing on Facebook, the ads there gives off a vibe of familiarity by popping up in the middle of your feed and showing names of family members or friends who have pressed the like button for that product.
- Having "though" in this sentence would confuse the reader. I recommend you read your writings out aloud, so you will know what works and what does not sound right.; Focusing on Facebook, though, the ads there gives off a vibe of familiarity by popping up in the middle of your feed and showing names of family members or friends who have pressed the like button for that product.
However, people tend to be less trustworthy, looking for verbal hints to affirm that a product is real and worthy.
- I removed "these days" because it does not help the sentence. I suggest working on being more concise and avoid being wordy.; However, these days people tend to be less trustworthy, looking for verbal hints to affirm that a product is real and worthy.
The two major verbal hints are "technology" and "new."
Those words give an illusion to the consumer that they are buying something superior to others, and this often makes them pleased with their purchase for the long-term.
It's pretty difficult for anyone to be immune to these infamous advertisements.
https://www.popsci.com/psychology-facebook-product-ads#page-4 Edited by Michael Morrow
The Reason Why We're All So Attracted to Facebook Ads
Almost everyone has been targeted and lured by ads, whether it be on social media or television commercials. Focusing on Facebook, the ads there gives off a vibe of familiarity by popping up in the middle of your feed and showing names of family members or friends who have pressed the like button for that product. However, people tend to be less trustworthy, looking for verbal hints to affirm that a product is real and worthy. The two major verbal hints are "technology" and "new." Those words give an illusion to the consumer that they are buying something superior to others, and this often makes them pleased with their purchase for the long-term. It's pretty difficult for anyone to be immune to these infamous advertisements.
https://www.popsci.com/psychology-facebook-product-ads#page-4 Edited by Michael Morrow
Super Eyes of a Bird
As much as we have improved on eye technology, none of those inventions could help humans compete with the superior eyesight of many birds of prey.
This is mostly due to the fact that these birds' eyes have unique anatomic features.
For example, while a human only has one fovea, raptors, birds of prey, have two.
- Here is a good spot for you to mention that mainly birds of prey are called "raptors." Some may not know that birds are called that name. I recommend that you enclose "birds of prey" with commas instead of parentheticals.; For example, while a human only has one fovea, raptors (birds of prey) have two.
The foveas are lenses in the eye that magnify a bird's vision, which is mostly related as to how they can espy food from miles away.
- I omitted "like" because, without it, the sentence functions fine and is straight to the point.; The foveas are like lenses that magnify a bird's vision, which is mostly related as to how they can espy food from miles away.
Also, raptors have been thought to obtain the ability to perceive UV light for years.
For airborne predators who scrutinize grounds for prey, this can be beneficial.
- The adverb "really" is not needed. It would be more concise to remove the adverb.; For airborne predators who scrutinize grounds for prey, this can be really beneficial.
However, it turns out not all raptors possess this attribute.
- I corrected the spelling of "possess."; However, it turns out not all raptors posses this attribute.
https://www.amnh.org/explore/news-blogs/news-posts/birds-of-prey-rely-on-super-sight-to-hunt Edited by Michael Morrow
Super Eyes of a Bird
As much as we have improved on eye technology, none of those inventions could help humans compete with the superior eyesight of many birds of prey. This is mostly due to the fact that these birds' eyes have unique anatomic features. For example, while a human only has one fovea, raptors, birds of prey, have two. The foveas are lenses in the eye that magnify a bird's vision, which is mostly related as to how they can espy food from miles away. Also, raptors have been thought to obtain the ability to perceive UV light for years. For airborne predators who scrutinize grounds for prey, this can be beneficial. However, it turns out not all raptors possess this attribute.
https://www.amnh.org/explore/news-blogs/news-posts/birds-of-prey-rely-on-super-sight-to-hunt
Suing Companies Responsible for the Damages of Climate Change
- Remember to stay away from making titles with questions. In this title, you can simply state your position, if you want to change the revised title. In this revision, I just related the topic to the article while keeping majority of the original title.; Should We Sue Companies Responsible For the Damages of Climate Change?
Climate scientist, James Hansen, believes that by suing polluters, the world will be able to fight climate change.
- Here I just added two commas: behind "scientist" and "Hansen." Besides that, the sentence is fine.; Climate scientist James Hansen believes that by suing polluters, the world will be able to fight climate change.
An immense amount of money is required to reduce carbon dioxide emission and take away existing carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, and according to Hansen, all this money should come from the companies releasing many pollutants into the air.
Currently, there are already climate lawsuits and governments being sued.
- I thought "currently" would be a better fit than "At the present time." The two say the same thing, but just using "currently" cut down on wordiness. I also removed the second "and" later in the sentence. I recommend just reading over your sentences carefully to make sure there are no mistakes.; At the present time, there are already climate lawsuits and and governments being sued.
James Hansen, himself, is involved in a lawsuit against the U.S. government, arguing that future generations' rights of life, liberty, and property have been violated by the failure of the government to restrict carbon dioxide emissions.
- I enclosed "himself" in commas, but in actuality, you could omit the word altogether.; James Hansen himself is involved in a lawsuit against the U.S. government, arguing that future generations' rights of life, liberty, and property have been violated by the failure of the government to restrict carbon dioxide emissions.
There are many extreme weathers yet to come, so we need to make a move to start eliminating CO2 discharge.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/11/james-hansen-fight-climate-change-sue-pollutors-cop23/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Suing Companies Responsible for the Damages of Climate Change
Climate scientist, James Hansen, believes that by suing polluters, the world will be able to fight climate change. An immense amount of money is required to reduce carbon dioxide emission and take away existing carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, and according to Hansen, all this money should come from the companies releasing many pollutants into the air. Currently, there are already climate lawsuits and governments being sued. James Hansen, himself, is involved in a lawsuit against the U.S. government, arguing that future generations' rights of life, liberty, and property have been violated by the failure of the government to restrict carbon dioxide emissions. There are many extreme weathers yet to come, so we need to make a move to start eliminating CO2 discharge.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/11/james-hansen-fight-climate-change-sue-pollutors-cop23/
A Void Inside the Great Pyramid
Due to the use of cosmic rays, a large void has been recently discovered in the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt.
The Egyptology community is skeptical about it because they believe that the void could just be another hole in the pyramid from construction.
- I changed the verb "are" to "is." I learned about this last year where even if you are talking about a group of people like "Egyptology community" it counts as singular. However, if you say that multiple communities are skeptical, then it is plural. I removed "though" because it really wasn't needed in the sentence.; The Egyptology community are skeptical about it, though, because they believe that the void could just be another hole in the pyramid from construction.
Researchers found the mysterious void by using muon particles, which are formed by the reaction between cosmic rays and Earth's upper atmosphere.
- I changed "formed with" to "formed by." I don't know a clear way to explain it but you show how the particles are formed and usually, the correct word used is "formed by."; Researchers found the mysterious void by using muon particles, which are formed with the reaction between cosmic rays and Earth's upper atmosphere.
All of the methods that the researchers utilized gave the same conclusion: the empty space was in an area that was not expected at all.
There are two major opposing views on the appearance of the void.
Some, like the Egyptologist Hanna, say the pyramids can be studied more in-depth through non-destructive methods.
Others are more dismissive and disagree by saying that the void has nothing to do with secret rooms or chambers, and it's probably just an irregularity.
Either way, in order to be completely sure about the significance of the void, there needs to be further research and investigations.
https://www.livescience.com/60842-cosmic-rays-reveal-void-great-pyramid.html Edited by Michael Morrow
A Void Inside the Great Pyramid
Due to the use of cosmic rays, a large void has been recently discovered in the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt. The Egyptology community is skeptical about it because they believe that the void could just be another hole in the pyramid from construction. Researchers found the mysterious void by using muon particles, which are formed by the reaction between cosmic rays and Earth's upper atmosphere. All of the methods that the researchers utilized gave the same conclusion: the empty space was in an area that was not expected at all. There are two major opposing views on the appearance of the void. Some, like the Egyptologist Hanna, say the pyramids can be studied more in-depth through non-destructive methods. Others are more dismissive and disagree by saying that the void has nothing to do with secret rooms or chambers, and it's probably just an irregularity. Either way, in order to be completely sure about the significance of the void, there needs to be further research and investigations.
https://www.livescience.com/60842-cosmic-rays-reveal-void-great-pyramid.html
The Secrets Behind JFK's Assassination
- Try to avoid using questions as titles. I came up with this title, but I always recommend that if you create something you feel is better, then you can replace my revised title. I wanted to capture the tone of your article while trying not to have the result as a question as I came up with a couple of titles that were questions as well. Try to make your titles simple and straight to the point.; Should We Take the Government's Word on JFK's Assassination?
The recently released documents regarding the assassination of President John F. Kennedy have stirred up debate on whether this new evidence adds to our previous knowledge or it's just conspiracy theories.
- In this sentence, I removed all of the commas and spelled out JFK's name, for clarity to those who are unaware of the figure. I omitted "or not" just for more concise word choice and "whether" does the job of "whether or not." Also, I suggest working on trying to different sentence starters as well. The original starter wasn't worded good enough for an easy read. I also removed those "they" pronouns and replaced them with "it" and "new evidence." I, also, suggest working on word choice.; The new release of documents on the assassination of our past president, JFK's, death have stirred up debate on whether or not they add to our previous knowledge or they're just conspiracy theories.
According to the Warren Commission, the killer, Lee Harvey Oswald, fired at JFK three times causing a lot of damage.
- Remember to have to the whole name of people, for example, some people may think you are referencing Oswald the cartoon character because of the lacking specifics.; According to the Warren Commission, the killer, Oswald, had fired at JFK three times causing a lot of damage.
Critics, however, believe there must have been helpers to cause that much damage to JFK's body.
As a result, criticisms led up to more ideas on what actually could have happened.
In addition, many of the new documents that have been revealed portray Oswald as a much different character than he actually was.
Though we might not know why Oswald pulled the trigger on JFK on November 22, 1963, the government should declassify the documents and give Americans the right to decide themselves as to why this tragic event might have occurred.
http://www.history.com/news/why-the-public-stopped-believing-the-government-about-jfks-murder Edited by Michael Morrow
The Secrets Behind JFK's Assassination
The recently released documents regarding the assassination of President John F. Kennedy have stirred up debate on whether this new evidence adds to our previous knowledge or it's just conspiracy theories. According to the Warren Commission, the killer, Lee Harvey Oswald, fired at JFK three times causing a lot of damage. Critics, however, believe there must have been helpers to cause that much damage to JFK's body. As a result, criticisms led up to more ideas on what actually could have happened. In addition, many of the new documents that have been revealed portray Oswald as a much different character than he actually was. Though we might not know why Oswald pulled the trigger on JFK on November 22, 1963, the government should declassify the documents and give Americans the right to decide themselves as to why this tragic event might have occurred.
http://www.history.com/news/why-the-public-stopped-believing-the-government-about-jfks-murder
History of Trick-Or-Treating
When we think of Halloween, we mostly picture candy and costumes, however, its past is more intense then we think.
- I combined the two sentences because the second seems much better as a second half of the first sentence.; When we think of Halloween, we mostly picture candy and costumes. However, its past is more intense then we think.
There used to be a medieval Christian tradition on the eve of all Saint's Day where the poor went to the homes of the wealthy and offered to pray for the people of that household who had recently departed.
The rich gave the poor food and beer in return, and there was also some dressing up to represent the replenishment of the Christian population.
However, after the Protestant Reformation, this idea of saving souls changed and lost popularity, though a few Catholics continued the practice.
- I added a comma behind "Reformation." I replaced "still kept up" with "continued." It cut down on words and does the job of the other three words.; However, after the Protestant Reformation this idea of saving souls changed and lost popularity, though a few Catholics still kept up the practice.
Later on, towards the 19th century, newspapers reported the rising trend of the custom among college students.
- I added "rising trend of the" towards the end of the sentence because the original didn't too much read well.; Later on towards the 19th century, newspapers reported the trending of this custom among college students.
Soon enough, North America called this "trick-or-treating," which has grown into the practice of people dressing up and kids going door-to-door for candy as seen today.
- I put "trick-or-treating" in quotes because you're basically quoting what someone says when you say "called." Since you are on a specifc topic, "a practice" should have been "the practice."; Soon enough, North America called this trick-or-treating, which has grown into a practice of people dressing up and kids going door-to-door for candy as seen today.
http://time.com/4991828/halloween-trick-or-treating-history/ Edited by Michael Morrow
History of Trick-Or-Treating
When we think of Halloween, we mostly picture candy and costumes, however, its past is more intense then we think. However, after the Protestant Reformation, this idea of saving souls changed and lost popularity, though a few Catholics continued the practice. Later on, towards the 19th century, newspapers reported the rising trend of the custom among college students. Soon enough, North America called this "trick-or-treating," which has grown into the practice of people dressing up and kids going door-to-door for candy as seen today.
http://time.com/4991828/halloween-trick-or-treating-history/
A 6,000-Year-Old Tsunami Surviving Skull
- This is a good title, it is just missing hyphens.; A 6,000 Year Old Tsunami Surviving Skull
Where there are new ecosystems, there are new dangers.
One of these dangers, a tsunami, powerfully struck the coast of Papua New Guinea 6,000 years ago.
Carried onto the coast by the waters were tiny creatures, pebbles, sand, and most significantly, at least one human skull.
The skull had laid there for millenniums.
- I corrected the verb tense of "lay" and I did change "millenniums" to "millenia" the original sounds better.; The skull had lay there for millenniums.
Surprisingly, it is only one out of two human remains discovered on the island dating that far back.
However, without more pieces of the body, it's not very possible to definitely say the tsunami was the event causing this person's death.
Still, the skull and its cracks show evidence of someone living in Papa New Guinea who was impacted by the natural disaster.
- So, here I took the "s" from "show" and gave it to "crack." Mainly after seeing the picture from the article, it definitely has more than just a "crack." ;Still, the skull and its crack shows evidence of someone living in Papa New Guinea who was impacted by the natural disaster.
Further research could conceivably show the ways in which ancient humans in this area coped with the unexpected side of coastal living.
https://www.popsci.com/6000-year-old-skull-tsunami#page-2 Edited by Michael Morrow
A 6,000-Year-Old Tsunami Surviving Skull
Where there are new ecosystems, there are new dangers. One of these dangers, a tsunami, powerfully struck the coast of Papua New Guinea 6,000 years ago. Carried onto the coast by the waters were tiny creatures, pebbles, sand, and most significantly, at least one human skull. The skull had laid there for millenniums. Surprisingly, it is only one out of two human remains discovered on the island dating that far back. However, without more pieces of the body, it's not very possible to definitely say the tsunami was the event causing this person's death. Still, the skull and its cracks show evidence of someone living in Papa New Guinea who was impacted by the natural disaster. Further research could conceivably show the ways in which ancient humans in this area coped with the unexpected side of coastal living.
https://www.popsci.com/6000-year-old-skull-tsunami#page-2
A Painting Looted by the Nazis Discovered
- The title was just missing that one word to tie it together. The original didn't give enough context to what the article was talking about. This shows that one word can change a whole sentence.; A Painting Looted by the Nazis
German authorities announced recently that a painting that had been despoiled by the Nazis from a Jewish French Resistance leader was identified.
The original owner of the painting, by Thomas Couture, was Georges Mandel, an early opponent of the German Nazis.
- Remember that appositives, which are those extra pieces of information, should be cased in commas and not parenthesis. And this second sentence really isn't strong enough to stand on its own, so I combined the two.; The original owner of the painting (by Thomas Couture) was Georges Mandel. He was an early opponent of the German Nazis.
After World War II, reports of other looted art were filed.
Mandel's long-lost Couture painting, named "Portrait of a Seated Young Woman," was described and mentioned as having a small, repaired hole in a certain location.
- I thought it would be important to add the name of the artwork here. However, it could've been added earlier.; Mandel's long-lost Couture painting was described and mentioned as having a small, repaired hole in a certain location.
This matched the hole in the painting that was identified.
The Thomas Couture painting is one of many works of art to be banned by the Nazis, and some also stolen from the victims of Nazi persecution.
Hundreds more in the collection of misplaced artworks are still waiting to be identified as a Nazi-looted painting.
https://www.livescience.com/60779-nazi-looted-painting-discovered.html Edited by Michael Morrow
A Painting Looted by the Nazis Discovered
German authorities announced recently that a painting that had been despoiled by the Nazis from a Jewish French Resistance leader was identified. The original owner of the painting, by Thomas Couture, was Georges Mandel, an early opponent of the German Nazis. Mandel's long-lost Couture painting, named "Portrait of a Seated Young Woman," was described and mentioned as having a small, repaired hole in a certain location. This matched the hole in the painting that was identified. The Thomas Couture painting is one of many works of art to be banned by the Nazis, and some also stolen from the victims of Nazi persecution. Hundreds more in the collection of misplaced artworks are still waiting to be identified as a Nazi-looted painting.
https://www.livescience.com/60779-nazi-looted-painting-discovered.html
Fighting Illegal Animal Trafficking
Around the globe, illegal wildlife trading is a constant threat.
- Even though this sentence is short is it still wordy. I moved some words around to give it better smoother read as well.; All around Earth, illegal trading of wildlife is a constant threat.
A team of biologists decided to understand and address this concept by investigating the slow loris trafficking.
These animals are one of many to be illegally poached and hunted for several reasons such as medicine, food, and to be made domesticated pets.
- There is no need for a comma between "reasons" and "such." Also, you could say, "for several reasons including medicine." I thought "even" could be replaced with something stronger, so I tried using "to be made domesticated."; These animals are one of many to be illegally poached and hunted for several reasons, such as medicine, food, and even pets.
Unfortunately, this study needed more information on the effects of human behavior and society on the complex idea of trading wildlife.
Future studies, though, could bring research to provide plans of action to decrease the impact of wildlife trading and pass laws that could possibly save and conserve many of their lives.
https://www.amnh.org/explore/news-blogs/research-posts/a-new-approach-to-combating-illegal-wildlife-trafficking Edited by Michael Morrow
Fighting Illegal Animal Trafficking
Around the globe, illegal wildlife trading is a constant threat. A team of biologists decided to understand and address this concept by investigating the slow loris trafficking. These animals are one of many to be illegally poached and hunted for several reasons such as medicine, food, and to be made domesticated pets. Unfortunately, this study needed more information on the effects of human behavior and society on the complex idea of trading wildlife. Future studies, though, could bring research to provide plans of action to decrease the impact of wildlife trading and pass laws that could possibly save and conserve many of their lives.
Taking Control of a Brighter Future
Communities in Brazil are now able to create their own maintainable and inexpensive power supply with the power of solar energy.
For example, in a neighborhood in the city of Rio de Janeiro, the people are determined to build a better life than they previously had.
- I put a comma after "for example." Always remember to put a comma after introductory words and phrases.; For example in a neighborhood in the city of Rio de Janeiro, the people are determined to build a better life than they previously had.
They had electricity that was not affordable or reliable.
The neighborhood decided to campaign new ideas that would help create leisure time and make everyday tasks much easier.
- I changed "they" to "the neighborhood" so you be repetitive when using "they" at the beginning of your sentence.; They decided to campaign new ideas that would help create leisure time and make everyday tasks much easier.
Eventually, there was an answer from the Brazilian energy start-up company Insolar, who offered the residents of the neighborhood solar panels and a local solar grid.
- The original sentence looked like there was something missing so I went into the article for more information and found that Insolar is an energy start-up company. So I decided to add that becuase it tells the reader what and who Insolar exactly is.; Eventually, there was an answer from the Brazilian Insolar, who offered the residents of the neighborhood solar panels and a local solar grid.
This has brought the residents many social and economic benefits along the way.
- You had a word choice error in this sentence. I corrected it from "economical" to "economic."; This has brought the residents many social and economical benefits along the way.
Not only is this community taking control of their energy future, but it is also collaborating to provide a positive future for generations to come.
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/10/sponsor-content-bringing-communities-together-to-build-a-brighter-future/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Taking Control of a Brighter Future
Communities in Brazil are now able to create their own maintainable and inexpensive power supply with the power of solar energy. For example, in a neighborhood in the city of Rio de Janeiro, the people are determined to build a better life than they previously had. They had electricity that was not affordable or reliable. The neighborhood decided to campaign new ideas that would help create leisure time and make everyday tasks much easier. Eventually, there was an answer from the Brazilian energy start-up company Insolar, who offered the residents of the neighborhood solar panels and a local solar grid. This has brought the residents many social and economic benefits along the way. Not only is this community taking control of their energy future, but it is also collaborating to provide a positive future for generations to come.
Betsy Ross and the American Flag
- The title can be simplified down into the revised I made. The original was fine as it was but sometimes in writing, simple would win.; Betsy Ross's Relationship with the American Flag
Betsy Ross is well known for making the first American flag.
She was first called upon by three members of a secret committee from the Continental Congress, including George Washington, who would later become the first president of the country.
- I suggest calling Washington either "General" or "the first President of the United States." Believe it or not, some people are actually forgetting him and will mistake this George for Bush. I see it a lot.; She was first called upon by three members of a secret committee from the Continental Congress, including George Washington.
Ross and Washington were good acquaintances, which is partially the reason why she was chosen to make the flag.
As a widow, Ross struggled in her upholstery business when General Washington provided her a rough design of the flag.
- I changed "While she was a widow" to "As a widow" because it says more in few words and shows life in the 1770s. Also, I removed the comma between "business" and "when."; While she was a widow, Ross struggled in her upholstery business, when General Washington provided her a rough design of the flag.
Months before the Declaration of Independence was publicly announced for the first time, Ross finished the flag.
- The main rule is to avoid being wordy. For example, instead of "A few months before" you can say "Months before." They both have the same meaning. I corrected "announces" to "announced" and I removed the helping verb "had" from behind "Ross."; A few months before the Declaration of Independence was publicly announces for the first time, Ross had finished the flag.
The Continental Congress decided that the American flag would promote national pride and unity, with thirteen alternate red and white stripes and the union would be shown in a blue field with thirteen stars.
http://www.ushistory.org/betsy/flagtale.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Betsy Ross and the American Flag
Betsy Ross is well known for making the first American flag. She was first called upon by three members of a secret committee from the Continental Congress, including George Washington, who would later become the first president of the country. Ross and Washington were good acquaintances, which is partially the reason why she was chosen to make the flag. As a widow, Ross struggled in her upholstery business when General Washington provided her a rough design of the flag. Months before the Declaration of Independence was publicly announced for the first time, Ross finished the flag. The Continental Congress decided that the American flag would promote national pride and unity, with thirteen alternate red and white stripes and the union would be shown in a blue field with thirteen stars.
http://www.ushistory.org/betsy/flagtale.html
Significance of the Liberty Bell
The Liberty Bell became well known when American abolitionists used it as a symbol to try to end slavery.
They utilized the bell as a metaphor for a country that was divided and lacked freedom for African Americans.
- In this sentence, I changed the word choice used. Instead of “named it,” I changed it to “utilized the bell.” This adds more specificity to what you are talking about. I felt no need to have both “torn apart/ divided” so I chose one that best fitted the situation. Last, I replaced “didn’t have” with “lacked.” ; They named it as a metaphor for a country that was torn apart/ divided and didn't have freedom for African Americans.
After the Civil War, the bell figuratively traveled across the country proclaiming liberty and spreading the idea of freedom.
It was occasionally rung to call people of the Assembly together for special announcements and many historical events.
- So, the main part that was revised was the ending. I removed the first “and” because you should only have one when listing things. I wanted to keep “events” and “occasions” but the works sound so much a like that only one could be used. So, I went with “events.”; It was occasionally rung to call people of the Assembly together for special announcements and events, and also many historical occasions.
When the nation's capital used to be Philadelphia, the bell was used for many causes in the government.
Today, the Liberty Bell still has great importance to our country, and we celebrate it every Fourth of July.
http://www.ushistory.org/libertybell/index.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Significance of the Liberty Bell
The Liberty Bell became well known when American abolitionists used it as a symbol to try to end slavery. They utilized the bell as a metaphor for a country that was divided and lacked freedom for African Americans. After the Civil War, the bell figuratively traveled across the country proclaiming liberty and spreading the idea of freedom. It was occasionally rung to call people of the Assembly together for special announcements and many historical events. When the nation's capital used to be Philadelphia, the bell was used for many causes in the government. Today, the Liberty Bell still has great importance to our country, and we celebrate it every Fourth of July.
http://www.ushistory.org/libertybell/index.html
Why the Islamic World May Have Had an Impact on the Vikings
New historical evidence has suggested that interactions between the Vikings, Scandinavian warriors who roamed the sea, and Islam were greater than thought previously.
- I replaced the parentheticals with commas. Normally, in this kind of writing, parenthesis are not used too often. Also, I lowercased “warriors” because there was no need to have it capitalized.; New historical evidence has suggested that interactions between the Vikings (Scandinavian Warriors who roamed the sea) and Islam were greater than thought previously.
While studying burial garments, Annika Larsson, a textile archaeologist, discovered that the garments were created with a form of Arabic script.
- I decided to change the beginning phrase so it would read better. I thought it would be better that Larsson’s name go before her occupation so the readers can immediately identify who she is and be able to refer back to her later on.; During a study of burial garments, a textile archaeologist (Annika Larsson) discovered that the garments were created with a form of Arabic script.
It had characters signifying the “Allah,” the Arabic word for God.
- The main issue with this sentence is that you don’t say which god or whose god is being signified. Through the article I was able pull out the fact that the god was Allah. That’s something very important and should be stated.; It had characters signifying God.
Past DNA tests have shown that people buried in Viking graves were originally from a dominant Islamic territory.
- I simply changed “testings” to “test.”; Past DNA testings have shown that people buried in Viking graves were originally from a dominant Islamic territory.
Larsson also noted that the characters for the Arabic God were a consistent pattern on all the burial garments, indicating that the Vikings had specific connections with the Shiites, part of a branch of Islam.
She made a point on how this research could possibly help clear up the fact that Vikings opposed Islam and instead personally embraced parts of the religion.
http://www.history.com/news/why-are-these-viking-burial-clothes-inscribed-with-arabic-script
Edited by Michael Morrow
Why the Islamic World May Have Had an Impact on the Vikings
New historical evidence has suggested that interactions between the Vikings, Scandinavian warriors who roamed the sea, and Islam were greater than thought previously. While studying burial garments, Annika Larsson, a textile archaeologist, discovered that the garments were created with a form of Arabic script. It had characters signifying the “Allah,” the Arabic word for God. Past DNA tests have shown that people buried in Viking graves were originally from a dominant Islamic territory. Larsson also noted that the characters for the Arabic God were a consistent pattern on all the burial garments, indicating that the Vikings had specific connections with the Shiites, part of a branch of Islam. She made a point on how this research could possibly help clear up the fact that Vikings opposed Islam and instead personally embraced parts of the religion.
http://www.history.com/news/why-are-these-viking-burial-clothes-inscribed-with-arabic-script
Fighting a War with Flour, Eggs, and Firecrackers
- "In" should be lowercased as prepositions are not capitalized in titles. Then I saw that "in" could be removed and the title still worked.; Fighting In a War with Flour, Eggs, and Firecrackers
Antonia Gibotta, a photographer, went to Spain to capture a unique occurrence at the Els Enfarinats, a 200-year old traditional festival that has been celebrated annually on December 25th in the town of Ibi, Spain.
- I added the "th" behind "December 25." I was never taught the name of that, but they always want it behind dates. I decided to switch the beginning for a better read and with correct punctuation.; Photographer Antonia Gibotta went to Spain to capture a unique occurrence at the Els Enfarinats, a 200-year old traditional festival that has been celebrated annually on December 25 in the town of Ibi, Spain.
In this festival, locals and tourists are to stage a fake coup d’état and are divided into two groups: Els Enfarinats and La Oposicio.
- I omitted the ", so they." I think "so" wasn't the right word choice and I went with a simple "and." Also, I spelled out "two" because you really don't use numerical symbols until the numbers reach nine and higher.; In this festival, locals and tourists are to stage a fake coup d’état, so they are divided into 2 groups: Els Enfarinats and La Oposicio.
The Els Enfarinats enforce outrageous laws and collect fines from those who don’t obey their laws, while the La Oposicio act as the police and try to secure “order.”
- Nothing is truly wrong with this sentence except one thing. When using quotations, always whatever punctuation inside of it. This rule normally goes for commas and periods, so at the end of your sentence, I put the period inside the quotations.; The Els Enfarinats enforce outrageous laws and collect fines from those who don’t obey their laws, while the La Oposicio act as the police and try to secure “order”.
The festival, interestingly, ends with both sides vivaciously bombarding each other with flour, eggs, and firecrackers rather than with deadly weaponry.
Gibotta took photos that captured intense and powerful moments from this pretend battle at the Els Enfarinats.
- There is no need for a hyphen in this sentence from what I can tell. "Pretend battle" isnt a compound word to use it for.; Gibotta took photos that captured intense and powerful moments from this pretend-battle at the Els Enfarinats.
Source: http://www.nationalgeographic.com/photography/proof/2017/09/you-won_t-believe-this-bizarre-celebration-in-spain/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Fighting a War with Flour, Eggs, and Firecrackers
Antonia Gibotta, a photographer, went to Spain to capture a unique occurrence at the Els Enfarinats, a 200-year old traditional festival that has been celebrated annually on December 25th in the town of Ibi, Spain. In this festival, locals and tourists are to stage a fake coup d’état and are divided into two groups: Els Enfarinats and La Oposicio. The Els Enfarinats enforce outrageous laws and collect fines from those who don’t obey their laws, while the La Oposicio act as the police and try to secure “order.” The festival, interestingly, ends with both sides vivaciously bombarding each other with flour, eggs, and firecrackers rather than with deadly weaponry. Gibotta took photos that captured intense and powerful moments from this pretend battle at the Els Enfarinats.
China Bans the Foreign Imports of Recyclables
- Try to avoid using questions as titles. A good replacement could be "China Bans the Foreign Imports of Recyclables." This new title gives readers a good idea on the topic of the article.; Where Will Our Plastic Wastes Go After 2017?
In July 2017, China has announced its plans to ban foreign imports of recyclables and solid waste by the end of the year.
For many years, China has been a dominant power that has bought recycled plastic from many countries such as the United States and Japan.
Because of their reliance on China, many countries now have to come up with ways to solve their recycling and waste problems.
Some solutions include: lessening the average consumer reliance on plastic, burning plastics to generate energy, and banning harmful products such as micro-beads.
China’s new incentive to ban foreign waste has encouraged many countries to directly face and develop solutions to their recycling and waste problems.
Source: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/china-bans-foreign-waste-but-what-will-happen-to-the-worlds-recycling/ Edited by Michael Morrow No errors
China Bans the Foreign Imports of Recyclables
In July 2017, China has announced its plans to ban foreign imports of recyclables and solid waste by the end of the year. For many years, China has been a dominant power that has bought recycled plastic from many countries such as the United States and Japan. Because of their reliance on China, many countries now have to come up with ways to solve their recycling and waste problems. Some solutions include: lessening the average consumer reliance on plastic, burning plastics to generate energy, and banning harmful products such as micro-beads. China’s new incentive to ban foreign waste has encouraged many countries to directly face and develop solutions to their recycling and waste problems.
Why Boys Are More Prone to Autism than Girls
Recently, researchers have discovered a correlation between inorganic mercury levels in blood and autistic trends.
They determined that boys are more susceptible to autism because of the high levels of inorganic mercury in their blood.
- Something important to remember when writing scientific and research-driven articles are to always have the name of the researchers, organization, or institution where this information come from. This makes what you are writing much more legit.; They determined that boys are more susceptible to autism because of the high levels of inorganic mercury in their blood.
Boys tend to have high levels of inorganic mercury in their systems because of a high consumption of processed food, which could contain inorganic mercury.
This may be linked to autism because boys have their PON1, a gene expression that contributes to cognitive learning, suppressed by the mercury consumption from their mothers’ diets during pregnancy and breastfeeding; however, this outcome does not happen to girls.
- Since you have an appositive, there need to be commas enclosing "a gene expression that contributes to cognitive learning." I added the adverb "however" behind the semicolon.; This may be linked to autism because boys have their PON1 - a gene expression that contributes to cognitive learning- suppressed by the mercury consumption from their mothers’ diets during pregnancy and breastfeeding; this outcome does not happen to girls.
The high level of inorganic mercury in the blood of boys is the reason why boys are more prone to autism than girls.
Source: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/why-does-autism-impact-boys-more-often-than-girls/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Why Boys Are More Prone to Autism than Girls
Recently, researchers have discovered a correlation between inorganic mercury levels in blood and autistic trends. They determined that boys are more susceptible to autism because of the high levels of inorganic mercury in their blood. Boys tend to have high levels of inorganic mercury in their systems because of a high consumption of processed food, which could contain inorganic mercury. This may be linked to autism because boys have their PON1, a gene expression that contributes to cognitive learning, suppressed by the mercury consumption from their mothers’ diets during pregnancy and breastfeeding; however, this outcome does not happen to girls. The high level of inorganic mercury in the blood of boys is the reason why boys are more prone to autism than girls.
Source: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/why-does-autism-impact-boys-more-often-than-girls/
Coffee May Actually Help You Live Longer
- Remember to always capitalize the words in the title.
- Coffee may actually help you live longer.
Eddie Perez 7/11/2017
Coffee is known to most as the morning drink that keeps you awake for the day and sometimes it is referred to as a drug.
- What I did with this sentence remove and replace the extra unneeded words that made sentence wordy.; Coffee is most often known as a morning drink that keeps you awake for the day, and sometimes it is even referred to as a drug.
In the past, research has proved that drinking coffee could lower the risk of cardiovascular disease and diabetes.
- I decided to add "in the" at the beginning to give the sentence a fluid transition. Remember that from time to time it is good to include transitions so the readers won't be confused when reading.; Past research proved that drinking coffee could lower the risk of cardiovascular disease and diabetes.
Currently, scientists and researchers are hypothesizing that coffee could potentially help you increase your lifespan according to new studies and research.
- "Currently" is more professionally correct compared to "Well now." I omitted "and help you live longer" from the sentence because it was repetitive. "Potentially help you increase your lifespan," says the same thing as the latter so you don't need to say the same thing over again in different words.; Well now, scientists and researchers are hypothesizing that coffee could potentially help you increase your lifespan and help you live longer according to new studies and research.
According to the medical journal, Annals of Internal Medicine, one study displays coffee-drinking patterns of 185,000 Americans, and results show that the daily cup of coffee is tied to longer living.
- It would be beneficial to the readers and to add merit to what you're saying if you included who is conducting these studies or what program and institution this information comes from. And there are too many "you/your" pronouns in this passage. Readers know you are talking to them, so there is no need to repeat the pronoun. I went into the article and found where this info was coming from. It is important to tell people where you are getting your info from.; One study displays coffee-drinking patterns of 185,000 Americans, and results show that your daily cup of coffee is tied to longer living.
Veronica Setiawan, an epidemiologist at the University of Southern California, and her team of researchers found that coffee reduces the risk of other life-threatening diseases such as heart disease, cancer, respiratory disease, stroke, diabetes and kidney disease.
- I added some credit to this sentence. Whenever you are talking about a cure or reducing risk, it's important to establish where this is coming from.; Other research also shows that coffee reduces the risk of other life-threatening diseases such as heart disease, cancer, respiratory disease, stroke, diabetes and kidney disease.
So not only can your daily dose of coffee help you wake up in the morning, it can help you live your life to the fullest.
Source: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/java-drinkers-rejoice-coffee-live-longer/story?id=48555232 Edited by Michael Morrow
Coffee May Actually Help You Live Longer
Coffee is known to most as the morning drink that keeps you awake for the day and sometimes it is referred to as a drug. In the past, research has proved that drinking coffee could lower the risk of cardiovascular disease and diabetes. Currently, scientists and researchers are hypothesizing that coffee could potentially help you increase your lifespan according to new studies and research. According to the medical journal, Annals of Internal Medicine, one study displays coffee-drinking patterns of 185,000 Americans, and results show that the daily cup of coffee is tied to longer living. Veronica Setiawan, an epidemiologist at the University of Southern California, and her team of researchers found that coffee reduces the risk of other life-threatening diseases such as heart disease, cancer, respiratory disease, stroke, diabetes and kidney disease. So not only can your daily dose of coffee help you wake up in the morning, it can help you live your life to the fullest.
Source: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/java-drinkers-rejoice-coffee-live-longer/story?id=48555232
3-D Printed Heart
- I decided to remove "artificial" from the title because it's already implied with 3D involved. Plus, remember to capitalize all the words in the title.;3-D printed artificial heart
A team at ETH Zurich has 3D printed a soft, artificial heart made of silicon that beats similarly to a real heart, putting us closer to replacing damaged hearts without having to do a transplant.
- I put in the whole name of the research company that I got from the article. And I changed the verb form from "have" to "having."; A team at ETH has 3D printed a soft, artificial heart made of silicon that beats similarly to a real heart, putting us closer to replacing damaged hearts without have to do a transplant.
The team says that the heart can beat continuously for about half an hour before the materials break down, but they are working to improve the invention.
The heart has a left and a right ventricle or chamber as well as a third one that acts as the heart's engine by driving the external pump; pressurized air inflates and deflates this third chamber, which drives blood through the ventricles to make the heart function.
- I thought these two sentences fit perfectly together, so I added in a semicolon to join the two thoughts.; The heart has a left and a right ventricle or chamber as well as a third one that acts as the heart's engine by driving the external pump. Pressurized air inflates and deflates this third chamber, which drives blood through the ventricles to make the heart function.
The hope is that this artificial version can eventually replace mechanical pumps that cause a risk of failure or complications within the body.
With about 26 million people worldwide suffering from heart failure and a shortage of donors, this is one step closer to finding a solution.
Source: https://www.sciencealert.com/this-3d-printed-soft-artificial-heart-beats-just-like-a-real-one Edited by Michael Morrow
3-D Printed Heart
A team at ETH Zurich has 3D printed a soft, artificial heart made of silicon that beats similarly to a real heart, putting us closer to replacing damaged hearts without having to do a transplant. The team says that the heart can beat continuously for about half an hour before the materials break down, but they are working to improve the invention. The heart has a left and a right ventricle or chamber as well as a third one that acts as the heart's engine by driving the external pump; pressurized air inflates and deflates this third chamber, which drives blood through the ventricles to make the heart function. The hope is that this artificial version can eventually replace mechanical pumps that cause a risk of failure or complications within the body. With about 26 million people worldwide suffering from heart failure and a shortage of donors, this is one step closer to finding a solution.
Source: https://www.sciencealert.com/this-3d-printed-soft-artificial-heart-beats-just-like-a-real-one
New Sunscreen made from DNA
According to a recent study published in the journal, Science Reports, it shows that a DNA-based sunscreen would not only be able to protect the skin from ultraviolet light, but would also become more protective the longer you are exposed to the sun's rays.
- I decided to add where the studies came from to add merit to passage.; Studies show that a DNA-based sunscreen would not only be able to protect the skin from ultraviolet light, but would also become more protective the longer you are exposed to the sun's rays.
Scientists know that sunlight causes cancer because it alters DNA found in our cells, but they wondered what would occur if they exposed a thin sheet of DNA film to ultraviolet light.
They took a solution of salmon DNA, smeared it on a glass, and took it out to dry to make the film.
- I inserted the article "a" in front of "glass." I omitted "Therefore" because it does not help the transition of the read and seems to interrupt the flow.; Therefore, they took a solution of salmon DNA, smeared it on glass, and took it out to dry to make the film.
Then, the researchers exposed the film to UV light to see how much radiation would pass through.
Using a spectrophotometer, an instrument to measure the intensity of light in the spectrum, the team discovered that the film stopped 90% of the UVB light from crossing through, and it allowed less light to pass through the longer it was exposed to the sun.
- I added an appositive just to quickly explain to the reader what is a spectrophotometer. And I added the article "the" between "to" and "sun."; Using a spectrophotometer, the team discovered that the film stopped 90% of the UVB light from crossing through, and it allowed less light to pass through the longer it was exposed to sun.
The sunscreen can revolutionize the way we protect our skin against the harms of solar radiation.
- I removed "forever lasting" from the sentence because it was not needed and didn't do anything for the point being made.; This forever lasting sunscreen can revolutionize the way we protect our skin against the harms of solar radiation.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/dna-sunscreen Edited by Michael Morrow
New Sunscreen made from DNA
According to a recent study published in the journal, Science Reports, it shows that a DNA-based sunscreen would not only be able to protect the skin from ultraviolet light, but would also become more protective the longer you are exposed to the sun's rays. Scientists know that sunlight causes cancer because it alters DNA found in our cells, but they wondered what would occur if they exposed a thin sheet of DNA film to ultraviolet light. They took a solution of salmon DNA, smeared it on a glass, and took it out to dry to make the film. Then, the researchers exposed the film to UV light to see how much radiation would pass through. Using a spectrophotometer, an instrument to measure the intensity of light in the spectrum, the team discovered that the film stopped 90% of the UVB light from crossing through, and it allowed less light to pass through the longer it was exposed to the sun. The sunscreen can revolutionize the way we protect our skin against the harms of solar radiation.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/dna-sunscreen
Editing Human Embryos to Correct Diseases
Researchers are beginning to use a gene editing tool to modify the genomes of human embryos in order to correct genetic defects.
- So, I removed the name of the tool from the sentence to have a better introduction to it in the second sentence. This first sentence sets a build up for the name of this tool.; Researchers are beginning to use a gene editing tool called CRISPR to edit the genomes of human embryos in order to correct genetic defects.
Clustered, Regularly Interspaced, Short Palindromic Repeats, or CRISPR for short, allows scientists to cut and rework small pieces of DNA at certain areas in a strand to modify it.
- Here I added the full name of the acronym to fully establish it with the readers. So, now, later on, you can just refer to as "CRISPR." Also, I replaced "edit" with "rework" to avoid repetitiveness and add word variety.; CRISPR allows scientists to cut and edit small pieces of DNA at certain areas in a strand to modify it.
Although this piece of technology can prevent inherited diseases, the research has generated a lot of controversies.
- "Controversy" should be plural, so I changed it as such.; Although this piece of technology can prevent inherited diseases, the research has generated a lot of controversy.
For example, one potential concern is that changes made in the DNA of these embryos can be later passed down from generation to generation, which can impact the genetic makeup of humans in erratic ways.
Also, some may use this technique to manipulate DNA to enhance certain human characteristics, instead of using it to prevent diseases.
However, with further research, CRISPR has the potential of preventing diseases such as cystic fibrosis, sickle cell, hemophilia, and mitochondrial diseases which can save many lives.
- You did not capitalize all the letters in the acronym "CRISPR," so I corrected that.; However, with further research, Crisper has the potential of preventing diseases such as cystic fibrosis, sickle cell, hemophilia, and mitochondrial diseases which can save many lives.
Source: http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/27/health/crispr-human-embryos-genome-editing-bn/index.html http://time.com/4876606/crispr-gene-editing-human-embryos/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Editing Human Embryos to Correct Diseases
Researchers are beginning to use a gene editing tool to modify the genomes of human embryos in order to correct genetic defects. Clustered, Regularly Interspaced, Short Palindromic Repeats, or CRISPR for short, allows scientists to cut and rework small pieces of DNA at certain areas in a strand to modify it. Although this piece of technology can prevent inherited diseases, the research has generated a lot of controversies. For example, one potential concern is that changes made in the DNA of these embryos can be later passed down from generation to generation, which can impact the genetic makeup of humans in erratic ways. Also, some may use this technique to manipulate DNA to enhance certain human characteristics, instead of using it to prevent diseases. However, with further research, CRISPR has the potential of preventing diseases such as cystic fibrosis, sickle cell, hemophilia, and mitochondrial diseases which can save many lives.
Source: http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/27/health/crispr-human-embryos-genome-editing-bn/index.html http://time.com/4876606/crispr-gene-editing-human-embryos/
Apple Invents Way to Secretly Call 911 With Fingerprint
Apple is currently working on creating a new feature that would allow iPhone users to utilize their fingerprints to call 911, without the attacker knowing.
Even though it is already possible to make an emergency call through a lock screen on an iOS device, this new technique would allow people to contact help when an attacker is watching.
- "Lockscreen" needs a space between the two words. I changed "reach out for" to "contact" because it is shorter and trying to cut back on being wordy.; Even though it is already possible to make an emergency call through a lockscreen on an iOS device, this new technique would allow people to reach out for help when an attacker is watching.
The device would detect a sequence of fingerprints or applied pressure that triggers a 911 call.
- I omitted "be able to." The sentence does fine without it.; The device would be able to detect a sequence of fingerprints or applied pressure that triggers a 911 call.
For example, the technology would recognize a particular sequence of fingers, such as pinky-ring-pinky, as a command to call the police.
The feature would also alert authorities the user's location, as well as record audio or video from the iPhone while erasing or hiding certain personal data, such as social security numbers and home addresses, from the attacker in order to ensure the user's safety.
- I decided to combine the last two sentences. I added a simple "while" as a transition between the two ideas. This means I changed "erase or hide" to "erasing or hiding."; The feature would also be able to alert authorities the user's location, as well as record audio or video from the iPhone. To add on, the feature would erase or hide certain personal data, such as social security numbers and home addresses, from the attacker in order to ensure the user's safety.
Source: http://money.cnn.com/2017/07/18/technology/apple-patent-fingerprint-911/index.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Apple Invents Way to Secretly Call 911 With Fingerprint
Apple is currently working on creating a new feature that would allow iPhone users to utilize their fingerprints to call 911, without the attacker knowing. Even though it is already possible to make an emergency call through a lock screen on an iOS device, this new technique would allow people to contact help when an attacker is watching. The device would detect a sequence of fingerprints or applied pressure that triggers a 911 call. For example, the technology would recognize a particular sequence of fingers, such as pinky-ring-pinky, as a command to call the police. The feature would also alert authorities the user's location, as well as record audio or video from the iPhone while erasing or hiding certain personal data, such as social security numbers and home addresses, from the attacker in order to ensure the user's safety.
Source: http://money.cnn.com/2017/07/18/technology/apple-patent-fingerprint-911/index.html
Slug-Inspired Glue Patches Hearts
A newly discovered adhesive can stick to wet surfaces, including hearts, without rupturing when stretched or deformed.
- The repetition is not really needed. So, I removed the second "surface" and the surrounding words. When reading it, there's no need to reread surface again. The plural "sticks" does not match the rest of the introductory phrase so it was removed. And I added "can" to help improve the intro.; A newly discovered adhesive sticks to wet surfaces, including the surface of a heart, without rupturing when stretched or deformed.
Jianyu Li, a postdoctoral researcher at Harvard University's Wyss Institute, and his colleagues applied the durable adhesive to a beating pig's heart and found that the glue worked better than any other surgical glue.
- I decided to omit "stretchy and tough" from the sentence and using a word that can define the adhesive with out of the words: durable. I added the apostrophe to "pig" to show ownership of the heart. Plus, I dropped the last comma in the sentence because you didnt need it.; Jianyu Li, a postdoctoral researcher at Harvard University's Wyss Institute, and his colleagues applied the stretchy and tough adhesive to a beating pig heart, and found that the glue worked better than any other surgical glue.
The glue was inspired from Arion subfuscus, a species of slug that is capable of excreting a sticky slime that adheres to wet surfaces.
- Some of those adjectives are not needed. This does not help prove the main point or get the message across.; The glue was inspired from Arion subfuscus, a large and slimy species of slug that is capable of excreting a sticky slime that adheres well to wet surfaces.
This motivated Li and his colleagues to create an artificial version of the slime that can of close skin wounds and fix beating hearts.
Continued investigation of this slug-inspired glue can significantly improve the success rates of many surgeries.
Source: https://www.livescience.com/59959-slug-slime-glue-patches-pig-hearts.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Slug-Inspired Glue Patches Hearts
A newly discovered adhesive can stick to wet surfaces, including hearts, without rupturing when stretched or deformed. Jianyu Li, a postdoctoral researcher at Harvard University's Wyss Institute, and his colleagues applied the durable adhesive to a beating pig's heart and found that the glue worked better than any other surgical glue. The glue was inspired from Arion subfuscus, a species of slug that is capable of excreting a sticky slime that adheres to wet surfaces. A newly discovered adhesive can stick to wet surfaces, including hearts, without rupturing when stretched or deformed. This motivated Li and his colleagues to create an artificial version of the slime that can of close skin wounds and fix beating hearts. Continued investigation of this slug-inspired glue can significantly improve the success rates of many surgeries.
Source: https://www.livescience.com/59959-slug-slime-glue-patches-pig-hearts.html
Wisconsin Tech Company Implanted with Microchips
- There is a more creative and less basic title than this. Remember that the titles are the main things drawing in readers.
- Employee Microchip implants
Three Square Market employees are lining up for the opportunity of having a microchip implanted under their skin.
- I corrected the "skins" noun by turning it singular. I added the name of the company in this sentence because how it is worded, the sentence sounds like employees from multiple companies are doing this.; Employees are lining up for the opportunity of having a microchip implanted under their skins.
Starting from August 1st, employees at the Wisconsin tech company have the option of having a small chip inserted between their thumb and index finger.
- Since I added the company name in the first sentence, the name doesn't have to be said here and mentioned more than a couple of times. So, you can find other ways to address the company. For example, "the tech/technology company in Wisconsin" or simply "the company."; Starting from August 1st, employees at Three Square Market have the option of having a small chip inserted between their thumb and index finger.
After the microchip is injected, any task with technology involving radio-frequency identification, or RFID for short, such as swiping into the office building or paying for lunch in the cafeteria, can be done with a wave of a hand.
- Since RFID isn't a widely known acronym like FBI or USA, it should be explained then introduce the acronym. Especially if you plan on using it multiple times in the passage.; After the microchip is injected, any task involving RFID technology, such as swiping into the office building or paying for lunch in the cafeteria, can be done with a wave of a hand.
Although this is a convenient way to enter the building or pay for lunch, potential problems may arise, for example, the microchip can be used to track the employee to invade their privacy.
- This two sentences can be combined to make one. I added "for example" as a transition and connector for the two.; Although this is a convenient way to enter the building or pay for lunch, potential problems may arise. This microchip can be used to track the employee to invade their privacy.
It also raises health concerns such as the fact that the implantation site might become infected or the chip might migrate to somewhere else within the body.
While the microchip brings several concerns, many employees are still willing to try out this new technological advancement.
- I corrected the spelling of "brings." To add some sentence variety, I removed "although" from the sentence since it was already used to start a sentence earlier. I used "while" in the original word's place. It does not change the message and meaning of the sentence.; Although the microchip bings several concerns, many employees are still willing to try out this new technological advancement.
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/25/technology/microchips-wisconsin-company-employees.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Ftechnology&action=click&contentCollection=technology®ion=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=10&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow
Wisconsin Tech Company Implanted with Microchips
Three Square Market employees are lining up for the opportunity of having a microchip implanted under their skin. Starting from August 1st, employees at the Wisconsin tech company have the option of having a small chip inserted between their thumb and index finger. After the microchip is injected, any task with technology involving radio-frequency identification, or RFID for short, such as swiping into the office building or paying for lunch in the cafeteria, can be done with a wave of a hand. Although this is a convenient way to enter the building or pay for lunch, potential problems may arise, for example, the microchip can be used to track the employee to invade their privacy. It also raises health concerns such as the fact that the implantation site might become infected or the chip might migrate to somewhere else within the body. While the microchip brings several concerns, many employees are still willing to try out this new technological advancement.
Artificial Sweeteners Connected to Weight Gain
Many think that artificial sweeteners are a low or zero-calorie way to enjoy something sweet and not gain weight, but a new study proves otherwise.
- I omitted the hyphen behind "low" since it wasn't being used to connect a word. I replaced "no-calorie" with a more familiar phrase: calorie free. Or instead of "no-calorie", you can use "zero-calorie."; Many think that artificial sweeteners are a low- or no-calorie way to enjoy something sweet and not gain weight, but a new study proves otherwise.
The Canadian Medical Association Journal recently published a report in which researchers analyzed 37 studies on artificial sweeteners.
The study tested about 400,000 artificial sweeteners in 10 years, some of which were randomized controlled trials.
- Be specific when talking about what was tested. I added in "artificial sweeteners" to help.; The study tested about 400,000 in 10 years, some of which were randomized controlled trials.
The results showed that artificial sweeteners didn't help people lose weight.
- I corrected "loose" to "lose."; The results showed that artificial sweeteners didn't help people loose weight.
Instead, it raised the risk of health issues like weight gain, obesity, diabetes and heart disease for those who consumed the sweeteners regularly, drinking one or more artificially-sweetened beverages per day.
People often assume that zero calories mean zero harm, however, this is not true.
- I changed the verb form from "means" to "mean."; People often assume that zero calories means zero harm, however, this is not true.
Source: http://time.com/4859012/artificial-sweeteners-weight-loss/
Edited by Michael Morrow
Artificial Sweeteners Connected to Weight Gain
Many think that artificial sweeteners are a low or zero-calorie way to enjoy something sweet and not gain weight, but a new study proves otherwise. The Canadian Medical Association Journal recently published a report in which researchers analyzed 37 studies on artificial sweeteners. The study tested about 400,000 artificial sweeteners in 10 years, some of which were randomized controlled trials. The results showed that artificial sweeteners didn't help people lose weight. Instead, it raised the risk of health issues like weight gain, obesity, diabetes and heart disease for those who consumed the sweeteners regularly, drinking one or more artificially-sweetened beverages per day. People often assume that zero calories mean zero harm, however, this is not true.
Source: http://time.com/4859012/artificial-sweeteners-weight-loss/
How Owning a Dog Can Benefit You
Dogs are not just cute and cuddly companions, research continuously shows how dogs can bring health benefits to their owners.
Owning a dog can significantly reduce stress levels, decrease the risk of asthma, and lower blood pressures.
Last month, a study showed that people who own dogs take an average of 2,760 steps more every day than those who do not own dogs.
- I separated "every" and "day" because that is the correct way to use it. "Everyday" is an adjective that describes something ordinary, for example, everyday living. However, "every day" means each day, for example, "you study every day." I that is understandable.; Last month, a study showed that people who own dogs take an average of 2,760 steps more everyday than those who do not own dogs.
Currently, a new study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health shows that dog owners are more active throughout the winter time.
- I spent a couple of minutes thinking about this. You can remove "also" in the sentence. It's not really needed and the message will stay the same.; Currently, a new study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health shows that dog owners are also more active throughout the winter time.
Researchers from the University of Cambridge performed an experiment on 3,123 participants, 20% of which owned a dog.
The participants all wore an accelerometer for seven days, and the researchers discovered that those who owned a dog walked an average of 30 minutes more every day than those who didn't own dogs.
- Here I simply corrected the article in the sentence. I changed "a accelerometer" to "an accelerometer."; The participants all wore a accelerometer for seven days, and the researchers discovered that those who owned a dog walked an average of 30 minutes more every day than those who didn't own dogs.
Also, researchers found that all participants were less active on days with the dark and damp weather, but even on these days, dog owners were more active than non-dog owners were on the sunny and warm days.
- I decided to make "also" start the sentence off. I think more descriptive words can be used besides the cliche "good" and "bad." So, I replaced them with words used in the article.; Researchers also found that all participants were less active on days with bad weather, but even on these days, dog owners were more active than non-dog owners were on the nice days.
Source: http://time.com/4870796/dog-owners-benefits/?xid=homepage Edited by Michael Morrow
How Owning a Dog Can Benefit You
Dogs are not just cute and cuddly companions, research continuously shows how dogs can bring health benefits to their owners. Owning a dog can significantly reduce stress levels, decrease the risk of asthma, and lower blood pressures. Last month, a study showed that people who own dogs take an average of 2,760 steps more every day than those who do not own dogs. Currently, a new study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health shows that dog owners are more active throughout the winter time. Researchers from the University of Cambridge performed an experiment on 3,123 participants, 20% of which owned a dog. The participants all wore an accelerometer for seven days, and the researchers discovered that those who owned a dog walked an average of 30 minutes more every day than those who didn't own dogs. Also, researchers found that all participants were less active on days with the dark and damp weather, but even on these days, dog owners were more active than non-dog owners were on the sunny and warm days.
Source: http://time.com/4870796/dog-owners-benefits/?xid=homepage
Doctors Use Virtual Reality to Save Conjoined Twins
- I recommend trying to avoid long titles. That is unattractive to readers and they may not want to read what you have to say. So, I just removed three words from the title. You could remove the first two words as well to say "Virtual Reality Save Conjoined Twins" if you wanted to.; Doctors Use Virtual Reality to Save the Lives of Conjoined Twins
Doctors are accustomed to examining x-rays before performing a procedure, although the x-rays are imperfect road maps of the human body.
- It is difficult to know who you are talking about when you say "they." The doctors or the x-rays? So, say who you are referring to since you have subjects that can be referred to with the "they" pronoun. I removed the last part of the sentence because it was too wordy and not really needed.; Doctors are accustomed to examining x-rays before performing a procedure, although they are imperfect road maps of the human body since they are incomplete reductions of reality.
For decades, increasingly advanced imaging techniques have allowed surgeons to look into the human body even before they cut it open.
- I think the problem with this sentence is that it is too long, in a way. You say all of this amazing information, then you add unnecessary content that makes things seem like you are trying to reach a word count. So, I removed the last piece of the sentence.; For decades, increasingly advanced imaging techniques have allowed surgeons to look into the human body even before they cut it open, reducing uncertainty and preparing doctors for the unexpected.
Now, virtual reality gives doctors the possibility of confronting the unknown even before they enter the body.
The latest evidence of this technique is seen in the successful separation of two newborn conjoined twins.
Before the nine-hour procedure, Paisleigh and Paislyn Martinez suffered from a condition known as thoraco-omphalopagus, where they were attached from their lower chest to their bellybuttons.
- Straight away, I removed "complicated and risky." It was not needed and you don't have to tell the readers this using adjectives. It is already implied.; Before the complicated and risky nine-hour procedure, Paisleigh and Paislyn Martinez suffered from a condition known as thoraco-omphalopagus, where they were attached from their lower chest to their bellybuttons.
By using virtual reality glasses, a month before surgery, the surgeons were able to examine a 3-D model of the twins’ hearts, allowing this to be the first successful case of separating twins with conjoined hearts.
- "Goggle-like" is already implied since the doctors are using glasses.; By using goggle-like virtual reality glasses, a month before surgery, the surgeons were able to examine a 3-D model of the twins’ hearts, allowing this to be the first successful case of separating twins with conjoined hearts.
The use of vital reality was able to save the lives of these twins and has the potential of saving millions more in the future.
Doctors Use Virtual Reality to Save Conjoined Twins
Doctors are accustomed to examining x-rays before performing a procedure, although the x-rays are imperfect road maps of the human body. For decades, increasingly advanced imaging techniques have allowed surgeons to look into the human body even before they cut it open. Now, virtual reality gives doctors the possibility of confronting the unknown even before they enter the body. The latest evidence of this technique is seen in the successful separation of two newborn conjoined twins. Before the nine-hour procedure, Paisleigh and Paislyn Martinez suffered from a condition known as thoraco-omphalopagus, where they were attached from their lower chest to their bellybuttons. By using virtual reality glasses, a month before surgery, the surgeons were able to examine a 3-D model of the twins’ hearts, allowing this to be the first successful case of separating twins with conjoined hearts. The use of virtual reality was able to save the lives of these twins and has the potential of saving millions more in the future.
Source: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/innovations/wp/2017/07/21/how-doctors-used-virtual-reality-to-save-the-lives-of-conjoined-twin sisters/?tid=pm_business_pop&utm_term=.e409461474de
Zika Vaccine Guards Mice from Birth Defects
- I thought it would be beneficial if "fetuses" would be left out until when the reader gets the passage. And I lowercased "from" as prepositions are not capitalized in titles.; Zika Vaccine Guards Mouse Fetuses From Birth Defects
Zika is a disease that is known to cause birth defects in the offspring of infected women.
- I removed "dangerous" from the sentence because it's best to allow the readers to decide whether something is dangerous or not. I've learned that some readers may not think this is as dangerous as something else. Also, I put "infected" in front of "women" just to give it a smoother flow.; Zika is a dangerous disease that is known to cause birth defects in the offspring of women infected.
Published in the biology journal, Cell, a recent study has shown that vaccinating pregnant mice against this disease can result in the protection of the fetus from both infection and birth defects.
- I added where this study came from since you're getting into what the study is doing.; A recent study has shown that vaccinating pregnant mice against this disease can result in the protection of the fetus from both infection and birth defects.
. Although this vaccination is still in the preliminary stages of testing, it shows a lot of promise since it is the first that is capable of protecting a fetus.
- I removed "vaccine" to try to avoid repetition. I aslo used "preliminary" to be more descriptive and a use of different words.; Although this vaccination is still in the early stages of testing, it shows a lot of promise since it is the first vaccine that is capable of protecting a fetus.
In the study, researchers vaccinated female mice before pregnancy and then they were exposed to the virus while carrying the fetus.
There was little to no evidence of the disease in the mice, their placenta, nor in the fetus, and once the fetuses were born, more than 90% of them were disease-free.
While it is too early to say whether the vaccine will work effectively in humans or not, it would be ideal to have a vaccine that can protect both the mother and the baby from the effects of Zika.
- Remember to capitalize "Zika." Remember to always capitalize diseases and other illnesses if they have a specific name or if they are named after someone or thing. For example, Alzheimer's disease and Down's syndrome.; While it is too early to say whether the vaccine will work effectively in humans or not, it would be ideal to have a vaccine that can protect both the mother and the baby from the effects of zika.
Source: http://time.com/4858491/zika-vaccine-birth-defects/
Edited by Michael Morrow
Zika Vaccine Guards Mice from Birth Defects
Zika is a disease that is known to cause birth defects in the offspring of infected women. Published in the biology journal, Cell, a recent study has shown that vaccinating pregnant mice against this disease can result in the protection of the fetus from both infection and birth defects. Although this vaccination is still in the preliminary stages of testing, it shows a lot of promise since it is the first that is capable of protecting a fetus. In the study, researchers vaccinated female mice before pregnancy and then they were exposed to the virus while carrying the fetus. There was little to no evidence of the disease in the mice, their placenta, nor in the fetus, and once the fetuses were born, more than 90% of them were disease-free. While it is too early to say whether the vaccine will work effectively in humans or not, it would be ideal to have a vaccine that can protect both the mother and the baby from the effects of Zika.
Source: http://time.com/4858491/zika-vaccine-birth-defects/
Eating Better Can Allow You to Live Longer
A new study shows how your diet can have a huge impact on your lifespan.
Even people who make small and healthier changes in their diet can live a longer period of time.
- I moved "healthier" because its original placing seemed awkward. It seemed that piece of information was unnecessary if you left it there, mainly because it is already implied that if people who would make a healthier change in their diet. So, it's is better placed if it is placed earlier in the sentence.; Even people who make small changes in their diet to be healthier can live a longer period of time.
According to The New England Journal of Medicine, researchers found that a 20 percent increase in people's diet quality caused them to decrease their risk of death by 8 to 17 percent.
- Since you were starting to go into percentiles, I thought it would be important to add where this study is coming from.; Researchers found that a 20 percent increase in people's diet quality caused them to decrease their risk of death by 8 to 17 percent.
The study also showed that when participants worsened their diet quality over the study period, their chances of dying in the 12-year period increased by 6 to 2 percent.
- I added a hyphen between "12" and "year." And I changed death to the present participle "dying."; The study also showed that when participants worsened their diet quality over the study period, their chances of death in the 12 year period increased by 6 to 2 percent.
Furthermore, consuming healthier food such as fruits, vegetables, nuts, beans, grains, and fish can significantly reduce one's chances of getting certain chronic diseases.
Having a healthier diet can decrease one's risk of having high blood pressure, heart attack, or stroke.
- I removed "also" from the sentence. It used quite a bit, so I wanted to cut down the repetition.; Having a healthier diet can also decrease one's risk of having high blood pressure, heart attack, or stroke.
As we can see, a healthier lifestyle can significantly increase our lifespans.
Source: https://www.livescience.com/59783-small-diet-changes-linked-with-longer-life.html
Eating Better Can Allow You to Live Longer
A new study shows how your diet can have a huge impact on your lifespan. Even people who make small and healthier changes in their diet can live a longer period of time. According to The New England Journal of Medicine, researchers found that a 20 percent increase in people's diet quality caused them to decrease their risk of death by 8 to 17 percent. The study also showed that when participants worsened their diet quality over the study period, their chances of dying in the 12-year period increased by 6 to 2 percent. Furthermore, consuming healthier food such as fruits, vegetables, nuts, beans, grains, and fish can significantly reduce one's chances of getting certain chronic diseases. Having a healthier diet can decrease one's risk of having high blood pressure, heart attack, or stroke. As we can see, a healthier lifestyle can significantly increase our lifespans.
Source: https://www.livescience.com/59783-small-diet-changes-linked-with-longer-life.html
NASA is Creating Drones to Operate in Space
- I think this is an okay title but it gives away the main point of the passage. Also, I see this is done in the passage when using acronyms like NASA or FBI do not forget to capitalize it. Acronyms are always capitalized.; Nasa is Creating Robot Drones That Can Fly In Space
NASA is working on inventing robots to explore other planets and asteroids.
- Since NASA is an acronym, remember that all letters in it should be capitalized.; Nasa is working on inventing robots to explore other planets and asteroids.
The agency is investigating ways to explore outer space using a craft that can fly to places that rovers typically can't reach while using cold-gas jets that can move the craft through the thin atmosphere found in space.
- When reading the sentences, I realized that some of them are similar enough to be combined. I had to shave off some of the second sentence to cut back on it being wordy and added a transition where the two sentences meet.; The agency is investigating ways to explore outer space using robots that can fly to places that rovers typically can't reach. The team has created a system using cold-gas jets that are capable of moving the craft through the thin atmosphere found in space.
They are currently testing if the drone can fly autonomously or if someone back on Earth must operate it.
- I simply removed "has to" and added "must." It is a more concise word choice rather than the latter.; They are currently testing if the drone can fly autonomously or if someone back on Earth has to operate it.
This new drone would work similarly to rovers by collecting samples using a variety of tools, but unlike rovers, they would be able to access places like the inside of Martian volcanoes which are impossible for rovers to reach.
- There was no need to capitalize "volcanoes."; This new drone would work similarly to rovers by collecting samples using a variety of tools, but unlike rovers, they would be able to access places like the inside of Martian Volcanoes which are impossible for rovers to reach.
These drones can scout volcanic craters to determine its safety for the astronauts wanting to set up a base for further investigation.
- I simplified this sentence while cutting back on the use of words and using some improved diction. I was going to try to combine this sentence and the last, but decided not to.; These drones can fly into a volcanic crater to see whether it is safe or not for astronauts to set up a base for further investigation.
This new technological breakthrough can significantly advance our knowledge of outer space.
source: https://qz.com/469334/nasa-is-working-on-drones-that-can-fly-in-space/ Edited by Michael Morrow
NASA is Creating Drones to Operate in Space
NASA is working on inventing robots to explore other planets and asteroids. The agency is investigating ways to explore outer space using a craft that can fly to places that rovers typically can't reach while using cold-gas jets that can move the craft through the thin atmosphere found in space. They are currently testing if the drone can fly autonomously or if someone back on Earth must operate it. This new drone would work similarly to rovers by collecting samples using a variety of tools, but unlike rovers, they would be able to access places like the inside of Martian volcanoes which are impossible for rovers to reach. These drones can scout volcanic craters to determine its safety for the astronauts wanting to set up a base for further investigation. This new technological breakthrough can significantly advance our knowledge of outer space.
source: https://qz.com/469334/nasa-is-working-on-drones-that-can-fly-in-space/
How Tomatoes Can Prevent Skin Cancer
Most people think that a simple way to prevent skin cancer is to always wear sunscreen when going out.
However, in a recent study, including mice, has shown how your diet can play a key role in your chances of developing this disease.
- Not much was wrong with this sentence. I just changed words in the sentence. Like I added "including" and removed "in." I also added commas to make an appositive in the sentence.; However, a recent study in mice has shown how your diet can play a key role in your chances of developing this disease.
According to this study, male mice who consumed a diet of 10 percent red tomato powder over 35 weeks saw their risk of skin cancer decrease by 50 percent as opposed to mice who didn't consume dehydrated tomatoes.
- I think this is the best sentence to state where the study came from. Or it could've been added earlier. You could say "The study published by Nature.com states..."; According to this study, male mice who consumed a diet of 10 percent red tomato powder over 35 weeks saw their risk of skin cancer decrease by 50 percent as opposed to mice who didn't consume dehydrated tomatoes.
The results are shown as such because tomatoes contain carotenoids which can protect the skin from UV light damage and reduce one's chances of developing skin cancer tumors.
- After rereading the original sentence, the structure made it confusing. I knew what you were saying but the structure of the sentence was slowing me down. I made some changes to the sentence while keeping the original meaning. This edit has an easier read. There were parts that were wordy like the phrase "due to the fact that." I shrunk that down, omitted the comma and added "and" in its place.; The results shown are due to the fact that tomatoes contain carotenoids that can protect the skin from UV light damage, reducing one's chances of developing skin cancer tumors.
Earlier research in humans have also shown how consuming tomato paste can significantly weaken sunburns.
This new discovery has the potential of saving many people from acquiring this disease.
- Sometimes in writings, it is unnecessary to add a descriptive adjective like this one. Unless you are quoting, there shouldn't be too many in writing like this.; This new discovery has the potential of saving many people from acquiring this dangerous disease.
Source: http://health.usnews.com/wellness/health-buzz/articles/2017-07-14/why-tomatoes-might-be-a-key-to-preventing-skin-cancer Edited by Michael Morrow
How Tomatoes Can Prevent Skin Cancer
Most people think that a simple way to prevent skin cancer is to always wear sunscreen when going out. However, in a recent study, including mice, has shown how your diet can play a key role in your chances of developing this disease. According to this study, male mice who consumed a diet of 10 percent red tomato powder over 35 weeks saw their risk of skin cancer decrease by 50 percent as opposed to mice who didn't consume dehydrated tomatoes. The results are shown as such because tomatoes contain carotenoids which can protect the skin from UV light damage and reduce one's chances of developing skin cancer tumors. This new discovery has the potential of saving many people from acquiring this disease.
Heart Attacks Can Be Predicted Using New Heart Imaging Method (7/14/17)
Researchers have developed a better way of scanning someone's heart to see if they are at risk of a heart attack or stroke, long before conventional imaging methods can.
In most cases, by the time a patient finds out he or she has blocked arteries, it is too late to do much more than surgery and sometimes the first symptom is a heart attack or stroke.
- I removed the comma after "surgery." It is not an appositive.; In most cases, by the time a patient finds out he or she has blocked arteries, it is too late to do much more than surgery, and sometimes the first symptom is a heart attack or stroke.
Heart attacks are the number one cause of death in the U.S., so it is very important to be able to predict a heart attack long before it occurs.
- Remember that any number nine and smaller should be spelled out and not be placed in their numerical form.; Heart attacks are the number 1 cause of death in the U.S., so it is very important to be able to predict a heart attack long before it occurs.
Dr. Charalambos Antoniades and his colleagues, of the University of Oxford, have recently invented a new imaging method that can detect inflamed fat cells as they are transforming into the plaques that are responsible for clogging the arteries.
- Though, it is good that you established merit, it would be useful information if you could state the institution the doctor and his colleagues come from. Or what makes them stand out in the field. So, I added that element in the sentence.; Dr. Charalambos Antoniades and his colleagues have recently invented a new imaging method that can detect inflamed fat cells as they are transforming into the plaques that are responsible for clogging up arteries.
It can also detect small, inflamed plaques that are prone to rupture, so doctors can intervene.
If the patient is at risk of a heart attack, then the doctor can prescribe the necessary medication for the patient in advance to prevent the development of life threatening heart conditions.
- I changed word choice in this sentence, I tried to elevate the diction while keeping the same meaning of the original sentence.; If the patient is at risk of a heart attack, then the doctor can start the patient up on drugs in advance to prevent them from developing life threatening heart conditions.
This new breakthrough can save the lives of many patients who are on the verge of heart failure.
Source: http://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-care/new-heart-imaging-method-may-predict-heart-attacks-n782271 Edited by Michael Morrow
Heart Attacks Can Be Predicted Using New Heart Imaging Method (7/14/17)
Researchers have developed a better way of scanning someone's heart to see if they are at risk of a heart attack or stroke, long before conventional imaging methods can. In most cases, by the time a patient finds out he or she has blocked arteries, it is too late to do much more than surgery and sometimes the first symptom is a heart attack or stroke. Heart attacks are the number one cause of death in the U.S., so it is very important to be able to predict a heart attack long before it occurs. Dr. Charalambos Antoniades and his colleagues, of the University of Oxford, have recently invented a new imaging method that can detect inflamed fat cells as they are transforming into the plaques that are responsible for clogging the arteries. It can also detect small, inflamed plaques that are prone to rupture, so doctors can intervene. If the patient is at risk of a heart attack, then the doctor can prescribe the necessary medication for the patient in advance to prevent the development of life threatening heart conditions. This new breakthrough can save the lives of many patients who are on the verge of heart failure.
Source: http://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-care/new-heart-imaging-method-may-predict-heart-attacks-n782271
Drones Can Help Fix Our Endangered Forests (7/13/17)
- I think this title can be more straight forward rather than being a question. Also, I changed "depleted" to "endangered." Because the newer word gives the title a sense of urgency. Plus, the original seemed out of place. ; Can Drones Help Fix Our Depleted Forests? (7/13/17)
Forests, today, are depleting at a much faster rate than humans can replant.
- There are three ways you can start this sentence. The original has "Forests today." A comma is needed there or you can remove "today" but I think that could hinder the meaning and tone of the sentence. So, I recommend either starting the sentence off with "Today, forests" or "Forests, today, are." I will go with the second recommended.; Forests today are depleting at a much faster rate than humans can replant.
Burning down so many trees are quickly deteriorating the environment by contributing to the rapidly increasing rate of climate change.
- I changed the adjective "rapid" to its adverb form "rapidly" which was done to match what you were saying.
- Burning down so many trees are quickly deteriorating the environment by contributing to the rapid increasing rate of climate change.
Dr. Susan Graham, an engineer, is helping to solve this crisis by creating technology to fight the battle of deforestation.
- The word choice was confusing at the end of the sentence. Deforestation is more of a problem or obstacle than a battle.
- Dr. Susan Graham, an engineer, is helping to solve this crisis by creating technology to fight the battle of deforestation.
She has recently invented drones that can plant trees at a much faster rate than humans can.
First, the drones search an area of land, looking for an ideal place to plant the trees.
After the location is found, the drone shoots seeds into the ground at a speed of one seed per second, meaning the drone can plant about 100,000 trees per day.
- I removed some words to cut back on wordiness. Sometimes, the shorter the better.; After the location is found, the drone then shoots its seeds into the ground at a speed of one seed per second, which means the drone will be able to plant about 100,000 trees per day.
Their efficiency and fast speed have the potential of saving the environment from the effects of deforestation.
- I changed "has" to "have" because you talk about plural subjects. I removed "deleterious" from the sentence. It has already been stated that deforestation is bad, so there is not really a need to say it again.; Their efficiency and fast speed has the potential of saving the environment from the deleterious effects of deforestation.
Source: https://www.nbcnews.com/mach Edited by Michael Morrow
Drones Can Help Fix Our Endangered Forests
Forests, today, are depleting at a much faster rate than humans can replant. Burning down so many trees are quickly deteriorating the environment by contributing to the rapidly increasing rate of climate change. Dr. Susan Graham, an engineer, is helping to solve this crisis by creating technology to fight the obstacle of deforestation. She has recently invented drones that can plant trees at a much faster rate than humans can. First, the drones search an area of land, looking for an ideal place to plant the trees. After the location is found, the drone shoots seeds into the ground at a speed of one seed per second, meaning the drone can plant about 100,000 trees per day. Their efficiency and fast speed have the potential of saving the environment from the effects of deforestation.
Gene Therapy to Cure Leukemia (7/12/17)
The FDA recently approved a leukemia treatment that can substantially become the first gene therapy available to patients in the United States.
This treatment can be used to cure children and adults suffering from advanced leukemia, which can potentially save millions of lives around the globe.
- This sentence is the perfect time to add credit to the passage. You can use a doctor or a known institute to help further what you are saying. Bold calms live "saving millions" must be backed up with proof and merit.; This treatment can be used to cure children and adults suffering from advanced leukemia, which can potentially save millions of lives around the globe.
This treatment is custom-made to target the patient's cancer by removing immune cells from the patient's blood and reprograming it to create multiple cells that can recognize and destroy the cancer cells.
- I omitted "have the ability to" and put in "can." It was simplified and cut down on words.; This treatment is custom-made to target the patient's cancer by removing immune cells from the patient's blood and reprograming it to create multiple cells that have the ability to recognize and destroy the cancer cells.
These cells are injected back into the patient, where the cells can continue to multiply and form an army to fight off the disease.
- I removed the comma and a few other words and added "and." I was trying to come up with a way to add parallelism. The verbs "continue" and "form" are present tense and I think it would be good to see "injected" in that form as well. ; These cells are then injected back into the patient, where the cells can continue to multiply, forming an army to fight off the disease.
Previous tests have shown that 83% of patients were completely leukemia free after using this therapy, which is far better than the results from chemotherapy or newer types of cancer drugs.
- I corrected the verb tense from "has" to "have." Normally, when there's a plural noun, you use "have" and a singular with "has."; Previous tests has shown that 83% of patients were completely leukemia free after using this therapy, which is far better than the results from chemotherapy or newer types of cancer drugs.
The use of gene therapy to cure leukemia has already saved a few lives and had the potential to save millions more.
- There was no need to add a comma after "lives" because you weren't listing or were separating ideas.; The use of gene therapy to cure leukemia has already saved a few lives, and had the potential to save millions more.
Source: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2017/07/12/fda-panel-endorses-potential-first-us-gene-therapy-to-treat-leukemia.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Gene Therapy to Cure Leukemia
The FDA recently approved a leukemia treatment that can substantially become the first gene therapy available to patients in the United States. This treatment can be used to cure children and adults suffering from advanced leukemia, which can potentially save millions of lives around the globe. This treatment is custom-made to target the patient's cancer by removing immune cells from the patient's blood and reprograming it to create multiple cells that can recognize and destroy the cancer cells. These cells are injected back into the patient, where the cells can continue to multiply and form an army to fight off the disease. These cells are injected back into the patient, where the cells can continue to multiply and form an army to fight off the disease. Previous tests have shown that 83% of patients were completely leukemia free after using this therapy, which is far better than the results from chemotherapy or newer types of cancer drugs. The use of gene therapy to cure leukemia has already saved a few lives and had the potential to save millions more.
Articles.
A New Step Towards Finding a Cure for Cancer (7/11/17)
- Remember to always capitalize every word in the title, excluding articles and conjunctions, like "for."; A new step towards finding a cure for cancer
Two recent studies have shown how cancer vaccinations can help cancer patients become tumor free.
The purpose of these vaccinations is to help the immune system attack the cancer cells found within the patient's body to eliminate the tumor.
- You don't want to be repetitive in your writings. In this passage, the main topic has been established as cancer, therefore it doesn't need to be said as often. So, I omitted the first "cancer" from the sentence. However, the second is needed because it is telling us what kind of cell is being attacked.; The purpose of these cancer vaccinations is to help the immune system attack the cancer cells found within the patient's body to eliminate the tumor.
In both studies, researchers tested the vaccines on patients who suffered from a deadly skin cancer known as melanoma.
- This is a good transition sentence, I just removed the "cancer."; In both studies, researchers tested the cancer vaccines on patients who suffered from a deadly skin cancer known as melanoma.
Both studies resulted in a majority of patients having their tumors completely eliminated after being given the vaccine.
The vaccine is successful by allowing the immune system to recognize the cancer cells as harmful to the body. Afterward, the immune system can produce T cells and other defenders to attack the cancerous cells, helping to eliminate the tumor.
- I changed some of the word choices in the sentence. I used "is successful" instead of "works by allowing." I removed "go out and" because it was extra words and really was not needed. I came to a decision to separate this long sentence into two sentences. I think this helps improve the reader;s experience and includes a solid transition.; The vaccine works by allowing the immune system to recognize the cancer cells as harmful to the body, so the immune system can produce T cells and other defenders to go out and attack the cancerous cells, helping to eliminate the tumor.
Further research in cancer vaccines can mean the key to curing this deadly disease facing humanity.
Source: https://www.livescience.com/59696-cancer-vaccines-help-patients-become-tumor-free.html Edited by Michael Morrow
A New Step Towards Finding a Cure for Cancer
Two recent studies have shown how cancer vaccinations can help cancer patients become tumor free. The purpose of these vaccinations is to help the immune system attack the cancer cells found within the patient's body to eliminate the tumor. In both studies, researchers tested the vaccines on patients who suffered from a deadly skin cancer known as melanoma. Both studies resulted in a majority of patients having their tumors completely eliminated after being given the vaccine. The vaccine is successful by allowing the immune system to recognize the cancer cells as harmful to the body. Afterward, the immune system can produce T cells and other defenders to attack the cancerous cells, helping to eliminate the tumor. Further research in cancer vaccines can mean the key to curing this deadly disease facing humanity.
Too Focused on Protein
- As much as I want this title to remain the same because I think it's fitting, titles really shouldn't be questions. I try to draw the titles from the info given in the passage which is why I normally revise the passage first and the title last. I decided to use revised title because it's simple and can tell readers what the subject is.; Too Much Protein?
Adults are recommended to have a daily intake of 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men.
- When reading this sentence, I just knew there were ways to incorporate "daily" earlier in the sentence. I did so by adding the phrase "a daily intake" just before the grams. I think it is better to include that earlier in the sentence rather the end.; Adults are recommended to have 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men daily.
Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, with some hoping to give themselves more energy while avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes.
- I thought these two sentences would go well together as one. I combined the two and added a transition while the two ideas.; Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, some purposely doing so hoping to give themselves more energy. Avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes.
Not only can protein be found in meat but also beans, legumes, nuts, broccoli and whole grains.
For everyday people to be consuming this high of an amount of protein, it can lead to long term risks or kidney damage.
It is also important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of the food to keep their bodies healthy.
- I changed a few things in this sentence like the word "very." It really isn't needed and the readers can decide how important it is. Also, I cut back some words to remove wordiness.; It is also very important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of their food to keep their bodies healthy.
Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/28/well/eat/how-much-protein-do-we-need.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health®ion=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=4&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow
Too Focused on Protein
Adults are recommended to have a daily intake of 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men. Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, with some hoping to give themselves more energy while avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes. Not only can protein be found in meat but also beans, legumes, nuts, broccoli and whole grains. For everyday people to be consuming this high of an amount of protein, it can lead to long term risks or kidney damage. It is also important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of the food to keep their bodies healthy.
Scientists Discover Why Coral Shines Bright in the Dark Ocean
- I removed the quotation marks in the title because it's not needed. And I removed "Deep" from the title because it's already implied in it.;"Scientists Discover Why Coral Shines Bright in the Deep Dark Ocean"
Scientists recently discovered the method behind the fluorescent glow of the coral that lay deep in the ocean where little light can reach.
- I changed "science" to "method" due to the fact that you don't want to be repetitive. The word "technique" will work well in the sentence as well.; Scientists recently discovered the science behind the fluorescent glow of the coral that lay deep in the ocean where little light can reach.
The proteins in the coral absorb as much light as they can to shine bright colors of red and orange.
The algae, that live in the coral's tissue, then use this light for photosynthesis, providing food and energy for the coral in exchange for shelter.
- Since you introduced another entity, it is important to make sure that you are specific when it comes to word choice. That is why I changed "their" to "coral."; The algae, that live in their tissue, then uses this light for photosynthesis, providing food and energy for the coral in exchange for shelter.
Scientists are dwelling on the idea that this adaptation can be helpful for when shallow reefs are in danger from the heat.
- Nothing was wrong with the setence, I just removed the comma.; Scientists are dwelling on the idea that, this adaptation can be helpful for when shallow reefs are in danger from the heat.
On the other hand, scientists are concerned that shallow reef coral may not be able to adapt to the lack of light in that environment.
This discovery can benefit many species of shallow-water corals in the future with further testing and research.
Source- https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/07/07/science/coral-fluorescence-deep-sea.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Scientists Discover Why Coral Shines Bright in the Dark Ocean
Scientists recently discovered the method behind the fluorescent glow of the coral that lay deep in the ocean where little light can reach. The proteins in the coral absorb as much light as they can to shine bright colors of red and orange. The algae, that live in the coral's tissue, then use this light for photosynthesis, providing food and energy for the coral in exchange for shelter. Scientists are dwelling on the idea that this adaptation can be helpful for when shallow reefs are in danger from the heat. On the other hand, scientists are concerned that shallow reef coral may not be able to adapt to the lack of light in that environment. This discovery can benefit many species of shallow-water corals in the future with further testing and research.\
Source- https://mobile.nytimes.com/2017/07/07/science/coral-fluorescence-deep-sea.html
Are Eating Raw Eggs Beneficial?
Although raw eggs contain more vitamins than when cooked, do the benefits outweigh the risks of eating eggs raw?
- I made the sentence a little more clear and specific. I thought it would help the readers if they knew what exactly is being questioned in the last part of the sentence.; Although raw eggs contain more vitamins than cooked eggs, do the benefits outweigh the risks?
The amount of vitamin difference between raw and cooked eggs remain under 30 milligrams overall.
According to, author, Alissa Rumsey MS, RD, cooked eggs contains 91% of the protein is digested where as in raw eggs, only 50% is digested.
- I omitted the "but" at the beginning because it's not really contrasting the prior sentence. I think you can add your source in this sentence. You could use "According to author Alissa Rumsey MS, RD" to start off the sentence.; But, in cooked eggs 91% of the protein is digested where as in raw eggs, only 50% is digested.
Despite the fact, raw eggs can come with many risks such as one of the major concerns: salmonella.
- I removed the commas at the end and added a colon. The sentence set a build up to whats behind the colon. I think one idea could adding another sentence at least explaining what salmonella can do to a person. I also added "despite" because it gives a more concise tone than the original.; In spite of that fact, raw eggs can come with many risks, such as a major concern, salmonella.
Between the years 1985-2002, 53% of the million cases of salmonella yearly.
Ways to decrease this risk are eating pasteurized, free range, and non-cracked eggs.
- Grammar wise, I added the Oxford comma behind "range."; Ways to decrease this risk are eating pasteurized, free range and non-cracked eggs.
Source-http://www.foxnews.com/health/2017/07/12/are-raw-eggs-safe-to-eat-and-do-have-more-nutrients.html Edited by Michael Morrow
Are Eating Raw Eggs Beneficial?
Although raw eggs contain more vitamins than when cooked, do the benefits outweigh the risks of eating eggs raw? The amount of vitamin difference between raw and cooked eggs remain under 30 milligrams overall. According to, author, Alissa Rumsey MS, RD, cooked eggs contains 91% of the protein is digested where as in raw eggs, only 50% is digested. Despite the fact, raw eggs can come with many risks such as one of the major concerns: salmonella. Ways to decrease this risk are eating pasteurized, free range, and non-cracked eggs.
Source-http://www.foxnews.com/health/2017/07/12/are-raw-eggs-safe-to-eat-and-do-have-more-nutrients.html A Change in Batteries
New alkaline batteries are cheaper and safer than the lithium-ion batteries we have today.
The new battery is safer in that it is not prone to combustion that is regularly seen in lithium-ion batteries.
- I removed "alkaline" just to avoid being repetitive. Since the alkaline batteries are new, they can be referred to as such.; The alkaline battery is safer in that it is not prone to combustion that is regularly seen in lithium-ion batteries.
The Massachusetts tech company, Ionic Materials, said that “prototypes of a rechargeable alkaline battery right now to have up to 400 recharge cycles.”
- I thought this would be a good moment to add merit and show who is speaking.; There has said to be prototypes of a rechargeable alkaline battery right now said to have up to 400 recharge cycles.
Another positive outcome of this new battery is that it does not rely on cobalt which is mined in Africa and is accused of using child labor while leaving toxic waste behind.
- I just want to correct the placement of the comma in this sentence to this: "cobalt, which." But after reading it again, the comma is not needed at all when using which. Also, could you state who is accused of polluting and child labor?; Another positive outcome of this new battery is that it does not rely on cobalt , which is mined in Africa and is accused of using child labor while leaving toxic waste behind.
One downfall to this invention is that it cannot be recharged causing them to be inefficient in computers, smart phones or other electric vehicles.
Although these new alkaline batteries would be heavier, they are safer, cheaper, and good for the environment.
Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/01/technology/alkaline-batteries-replace-lithium-ion.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Ftechnology&action=click&contentCollection=technology®ion=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=19&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow
A Change in Batteries
New alkaline batteries are cheaper and safer than the lithium-ion batteries we have today. The new battery is safer in that it is not prone to combustion that is regularly seen in lithium-ion batteries. The Massachusetts tech company, Ionic Materials, said that “prototypes of a rechargeable alkaline battery right now to have up to 400 recharge cycles.” Another positive outcome of this new battery is that it does not rely on cobalt which is mined in Africa and is accused of using child labor while leaving toxic waste behind. One downfall to this invention is that it cannot be recharged causing them to be inefficient in computers, smart phones or other electric vehicles. Although these new alkaline batteries would be heavier, they are safer, cheaper, and good for the environment. Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/01/technology/alkaline-batteries-replace-lithium-ion.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Ftechnology&action=click&contentCollection=technology®ion=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=19&pgtype=sectionfront
Too Focused on Protein
- As much as I want this title to remain the same because I think it's fitting, titles really shouldn't be questions. I try to draw the titles from the info given in the passage which is why I normally revise the passage first and the title last. I decided to use revised title because it's simple and can tell readers what the subject is.; Too Much Protein?
Adults are recommended to have a daily intake of 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men.
- When reading this sentence, I just knew there were ways to incorporate "daily" earlier in the sentence. I did so by adding the phrase "a daily intake" just before the grams. I think it is better to include that earlier in the sentence rather the end.; Adults are recommended to have 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men daily.
Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, with some hoping to give themselves more energy while avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes.
- I thought these two sentences would go well together as one. I combined the two and added a transition while the two ideas.; Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, some purposely doing so hoping to give themselves more energy. Avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes.
Not only can protein be found in meat but also beans, legumes, nuts, broccoli and whole grains.
For everyday people to be consuming this high of an amount of protein, it can lead to long term risks or kidney damage.
It is also important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of the food to keep their bodies healthy.
- I changed a few things in this sentence like the word "very." It really isn't needed and the readers can decide how important it is. Also, I cut back some words to remove wordiness.; It is also very important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of their food to keep their bodies healthy.
Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/28/well/eat/how-much-protein-do-we-need.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health®ion=stream&module=stream_unit&version=latest&contentPlacement=4&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow
Too Focused on Protein
Adults are recommended to have a daily intake of 46 grams of protein for women and 56 grams for men. Most adults eat about double the recommended amount of protein, with some hoping to give themselves more energy while avoiding sugar, carbohydrates and steering towards high protein foods that are usually only necessary for athletes. Not only can protein be found in meat but also beans, legumes, nuts, broccoli and whole grains. For everyday people to be consuming this high of an amount of protein, it can lead to long term risks or kidney damage. It is also important for people to be able to identify high protein foods and monitor their consumption of the food to keep their bodies healthy.
Virtual Reality Therapy
Dr. Dawn Jewell, a psychologist, is treating a patient that was a victim of a car crash through virtual reality by using exposure therapy to revisit the site of the crash.
This is made possible by a service called Limbix which is provided through daydream view on the new Google headset.
- I added a much-needed transition between "Limbix" and "provided." Also, I capitalized "Google" because it is a proper noun, a name of a company.; This is made possible by a service called Limbix provided through daydream view on the new google headset.
During this process, the patient will be able to describe to their psychologist their thoughts and feelings on the topic.
- I put a comma after "process" to signify the end of the introductory phrase.; During this process the patient will be able to describe to their psychologist their thoughts and feelings on the topic.
People can face their problems through this new technology by virtually experiencing situations that may trigger their fears or addictions.
This technology has been developing for the past two decades using research and clinical trials to further advance virtual reality.
Using these new advancements, the patients will be engaged emotionally, forcing them to face these traumas and practice real life experiences in a safe environment; However, this technology is far from perfect at the moment.
- I added a comma behind "emotionally" and another behind "however." Plus, I lower cased "however" because words after the semicolon aren't supposed to capitalized; Using these new advancements, the patients will be engaged emotionally forcing them to face these traumas and practice real life experiences in a safe environment; However this technology is far from perfect at the moment.
Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/30/technology/virtual-reality-limbix-mental-health.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health®ion=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=8&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow
Virtual Reality Therapy
Dr. Dawn Jewell, a psychologist, is treating a patient that was a victim of a car crash through virtual reality by using exposure therapy to revisit the site of the crash. This is made possible by a service called Limbix which is provided through daydream view on the new Google headset. During this process, the patient will be able to describe to their psychologist their thoughts and feelings on the topic. People can face their problems through this new technology by virtually experiencing situations that may trigger their fears or addictions. This technology has been developing for the past two decades using research and clinical trials to further advance virtual reality. Using these new advancements, the patients will be engaged emotionally, forcing them to face these traumas and practice real life experiences in a safe environment; However, this technology is far from perfect at the moment.
Ticks Are Spreading Rapidly
The tick population is growing at a rapid rate due to the expansion of wooded areas and the increase of mice and deer.
These ticks can carry diseases from their original location along with pathogens from their new locations spreading several types of diseases to different regions.
- I changed "different" to "several" to give a more descriptive adjective and to leave the basic vocabulary.; These ticks can carry diseases from their original location along with pathogens from their new locations spreading different types of diseases to different regions.
The Powassan virus is a rare virus that can be passed in just 15 minutes and can lead to permanent brain damage or even death.
- Remember that if an illness if after a person or place, it should be capitalized. The virus is named after the town of Powassan, Ontario, Canada. So, I corrected that. I omitted "and dangerous" because it wasn't really necessary to the main point. When the readers see what the virus can do, they'll see if it is dangerous or not. Also, I moved the content that was behind the semicolon and added into the beginning of the sentence.; The powassan virus is a rare and dangerous virus that can lead to permanent brain damage or even death; This can be passed in just 15 minutes.
Another pathogen being passed from ticks can cause the human immune system to have an allergic reaction to red meat. This illness is called the alpha-gal syndrome.
- I decided to drop the semicolon and break it into two sentences. Also, remember that the first word after a semicolon is not to be capitalized unless it is a proper noun.; Another pathogen being passed from ticks can cause the human immune system to have an allergic reaction to red meat; This is called the alpha-gal syndrome.
Something as little as walking in your garden barefoot can lead to getting bit by a tick.
- This sentence seemed like it was missing a few words and made it fell incomplete so I added what I thought was right.; Something as little as walking down your garden barefoot can lead to getting a tick.
It is very important for people to take precautions towards these ticks and their diseases because it affects humans more than we realize.
Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/24/health/ticks-disease-united-states.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health®ion=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=7&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow
Ticks Are Spreading Rapidly
The tick population is growing at a rapid rate due to the expansion of wooded areas and the increase of mice and deer. These ticks can carry diseases from their original location along with pathogens from their new locations spreading several types of diseases to different regions. The Powassan virus is a rare virus that can be passed in just 15 minutes and can lead to permanent brain damage or even death. Another pathogen being passed from ticks can cause the human immune system to have an allergic reaction to red meat. This illness is called the alpha-gal syndrome. Something as little as walking in your garden barefoot can lead to getting bit by a tick. It is very important for people to take precautions towards these ticks and their diseases because it affects humans more than we realize.
C.T.E. in 110 N.F.L. Players
- I rewrote the sentence to add simplicity and clarity while being brief.; NFL Brain Damage All but One Out of 111
Neuropathologist, Dr. Ann McKeechronic, studied the brains of 202 football players. 111 of them being NFL athletes and 110 of them having chronic traumatic encephalopathy.
Chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or C.T.E, is caused by repetitive impacts to the head causing symptoms that can continue even after the impacts have stopped.
- I removed "Chronic traumatic encephalopathy or C.T.E" from the sentence below and added it here. It was more fitting to introduce the disease in the second sentence instead of the third.; This disease is caused by repetitive impacts to the head causing many symptoms that can continue even after the impacts have stopped.
The brain disease can only be diagnosed after death, so to prevent this earlier, Jeff Miller, the N.F.L.’s senior vice president for health and safety, is trying to promote a safer version of the sport called flag football.
- As I said before, I removed the "Chronic traumatic encephalopathy or C.T.E" part of this sentence to put in another sentence. In its place, I will put in "The brain disease." I think it would beneficial if you said who this top official was. I know it doesn't name the individual in the article, however it does have a link to another that does have his name.Therefore, so we know who it is, I added the name and position of this official. I reworded the ending of the sentence as well.; Chronic traumatic encephalopathy or C.T.E can only be diagnosed after death, so to prevent this earlier, N.F.L.’s top health and safety official are trying to promote a safer version of this sport, such as flag football.
The linemen, more than any other position, take the most number of blows. On average, the linemen are hit 62 times in one game and each one came with an average force on the player’s head equivalent to a car being driven into a brick wall at 30 m.p.h.
- So, I split this one sentence into two. The second sentence was the most confusing to read and revise of the two. I simplified the sentence to make it easier to read.; The linemen more than any other position take the most amount of blows, more specifically, an average of 62 times and Each one came with an average force on the player’s head equivalent to what you would see if he had driven his car into a brick wall at 30 m.p.h
Of 202 brains tested, 87 percent tested positive for C.T.E proving that football is a major problem in this sense.
- I added a comma at the beginning of the sentence as it is an introductory phrase.; Of 202 brains tested 87 percent tested positive for C.T.E proving that football is a major problem in this sense.
There are many things to still be discovered about C.T.E as the article asks a series of questions, "Who gets it, who doesn’t, and why? Can anything be done to stop the degeneration once it begins? How many blows to the head, and at what levels, must occur for C.T.E. to take hold?"
- I added a strong transition to help the sentence move along.; There are many things to still be discovered about C.T.E: "Who gets it, who doesn’t, and why? Can anything be done to stop the degeneration once it begins? How many blows to the head, and at what levels, must occur for C.T.E. to take hold?"
Source- https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/07/25/sports/football/nfl-cte.html?hp&action=click&pgtype=Homepage&clickSource=story-heading&module=second-column-region®ion=top-news&WT.nav=top-news Edited by Michael Morrow
C.T.E. in 110 N.F.L. Players
Neuropathologist, Dr. Ann McKeechronic, studied the brains of 202 football players. 111 of them being NFL athletes and 110 of them having chronic traumatic encephalopathy. Chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or C.T.E, is caused by repetitive impacts to the head causing symptoms that can continue even after the impacts have stopped. The brain disease can only be diagnosed after death, so to prevent this earlier, Jeff Miller, the N.F.L.’s senior vice president for health and safety, is trying to promote a safer version of the sport called flag football. The linemen, more than any other position, take the most number of blows. On average, the linemen are hit 62 times in one game and each one came with an average force on the player’s head equivalent to a car being driven into a brick wall at 30 m.p.h. Of 202 brains tested, 87 percent tested positive for C.T.E proving that football is a major problem in this sense. There are many things to still be discovered about C.T.E as the article asks a series of questions, "Who gets it, who doesn’t, and why? Can anything be done to stop the degeneration once it begins? How many blows to the head, and at what levels, must occur for C.T.E. to take hold?"
Tattoo-like Sensor Developed by Scientists
- The original sentence seemed like it was taken from the middle of a sentence. It seemed awkward. So, I tried to liven it up some.; Scientists Developed Wearable Sensor Tattoo
Scientists have developed a new body sensor that has the ability to monitor body temperature and muscle activity.
- I rewrote the sentence using your words. I made your ending the beginning and made the beginning the end. This way the sentence is more understandable to the reader.; Monitoring body temperature and muscle activity, there is a new sensory developed by scientists.
This new sensor is very thin and people cannot even feel the existence of the devices on the skin, according to Professor Takao Someya of the University of Tokyo.
- In this sentence, I wanted to add a quote from one of the people who helped develop it to add credit.; This new sensor is very thin and feels like nothing after being applied.
The current sensors irritate the skin causing redness and itching while the new sensor can be applied similarly to temporary tattoos: by dampening the patch with water and applying it onto the skin.
- I combined this sentence with the one that follows, they can easily make one sentence that compares and contrasts the new and old sensors.; The current wearable sensors irritate the skin causing redness and itching. This new senor can be applied similar to the children's temporary tattoos:by spraying water on the patch and sticking it onto the skin.
It also allows the skin to breathe, preventing irritation, by molding and adapting into the skin.
This breakthrough may soon be used to control prosthetics by electric muscle signals and monitor patients to see their progress.
Source-https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/20/health/breathable-wearable-sensor-temporary-tattoo.html?rref=collection%2Fsectioncollection%2Fhealth&action=click&contentCollection=health®ion=rank&module=package&version=highlights&contentPlacement=2&pgtype=sectionfront Edited by Michael Morrow
Tattoo-like Sensor Developed by Scientists
Scientists have developed a new body sensor that has the ability to monitor body temperature and muscle activity. This new sensor is very thin and people cannot even feel the existence of the devices on the skin, according to Professor Takao Someya of the University of Tokyo. The current sensors irritate the skin causing redness and itching while the new sensor can be applied similarly to temporary tattoos: by dampening the patch with water and applying it onto the skin. It also allows the skin to breathe, preventing irritation, by molding and adapting into the skin. This breakthrough may soon be used to control prosthetics by electric muscle signals and monitor patients to see their progress.
Long Time Diver Barely Escapes Cave Alive
Xisco Gràcia and his partner, Guillem Mascaró, went to explore Sa Piqueta, a cave in Mallorca.
- I added the commas to add the appositive.; Xisco Gràcia and his partner Guillem Mascaró went to explore Sa Piqueta, a cave in Mallorca.
After losing their guideline to the entrance, silt blurring their vision, and air slowly running out, the divers were in grave danger.
- In this sentence, I decided give it a story telling mood. If it is available, it would be very good to have a quote from the divers after this sentence. A quote on how they felt or what was going through their mind.; Losing their guideline back to the entrance, blurring their vision with silt, and slowly running out of air, the divers were in grave danger.
They decided for Guillem Mascaró to go find help as fast as he could and come back to save Xisco Gràcia.
Gràcia spent hours in an air pocket, that contained a dangerously high amount of carbon dioxide, contemplating his life and his family.
- I omitted "countless," it really wasn't needed. Also, once you have established the people in your writing, there is no need to repeat their whole name. Just the last name will be fine and it's more professional.; Xisco Gràcia spent countless hours in an air pocket, that contained a dangerously high amount of carbon dioxide, contemplating his life and his family.
After a while, he began to see his rescue, however, Gràcia realized it was only a hallucination, causing him to come to terms with reality and fate.
- I cleaned the sentence up some. I gave it some transitions to make it flow smoothly and took away some words to avoid being wordy.; He soon began see his rescue to realize it was only a hallucination, causing him to come to terms with his reality and fate.
Guillem Mascaró rescued Gràcia, who was brought to a hospital and later came back to visit the cave again.
- Here, I am just correcting the names.
- Guillem Mascaró luckily rescued Xisco and Xisco Gràcia was brought to a hospital, and he later came back to visit the cave again.
Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-40558067 Edited by Michael Morrow
Long Time Diver Barely Escapes Cave Alive
Xisco Gràcia and his partner, Guillem Mascaró, went to explore Sa Piqueta, a cave in Mallorca. After losing their guideline to the entrance, silt blurring their vision, and air slowly running out, the divers were in grave danger. They decided for Guillem Mascaró to go find help as fast as he could and come back to save Xisco Gràcia. Gràcia spent hours in an air pocket, that contained a dangerously high amount of carbon dioxide, contemplating his life and his family. After a while, he began to see his rescue, however, Gràcia realized it was only a hallucination, causing him to come to terms with reality and fate. Guillem Mascaró rescued Gràcia, who was brought to a hospital and later came back to visit the cave again.
Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-40558067
Couple Found in Glacier After Years of Searching
75 years ago, Marcelin and Francine Dumoulin disappeared in the Alps in August 1942 leaving their seven children to be separated into different families.
- To have the main piece of the sentence to flow easily without pause, I moved the phrase "for 75 years" to the beginning of the sentence. Also, any number nine or lower is to be spelled out. Normally, numbers 10 and up are represented by their numerical symbol unless it is a percent.; Marcelin and Francine Dumoulin disappeared, for 75 years, in the Alps in August 1942 leaving their 7 children to be separated into different families.
Encased in a glacier, the couple was found with their shoes, backpacks, tin bowls and a glass bottle by a worker from a ski lift company.
- I think this is a good sentence to mention that the couple was inside of a glacier seeing that it was not brought up in the passage besides the title.; The couple was found with their shoes, backpacks, tin bowls and a glass bottle by a worker from a ski lift company.
Marceline Udry-Dumoulin and her siblings never gave up hope when looking for her parents, climbing the glacier 3 times to search for them.
Marceline decided to finally host a funeral for her parents while wearing white instead of black to represent the hope she never lost.
- I removed the last three words from the sentence, you got the idea known without them. I added "while" just to give a transition from one idea to the next.; Marceline decided to finally host a funeral for her parents wearing white instead of black to represent the hope she never lost for her parents.
She said, "I can say that after 75 years of waiting this news gives me a deep sense of calm."
- You can remove "that" from the sentence. You can keep that the comma behind "said." If you wanted to keep "that" in, you could remove the comma.; She said that, "I can say that after 75 years of waiting this news gives me a deep sense of calm."
Multiple bodies that have been lost in the Alps are being discovered due to the rise in global temperature melting the ice.
Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-40645745 Edited by Michael Morrow
Couple Found in Glacier After Years of Searching
75 years ago, Marcelin and Francine Dumoulin disappeared in the Alps in August 1942 leaving their seven children to be separated into different families. Encased in a glacier, the couple was found with their shoes, backpacks, tin bowls and a glass bottle by a worker from a ski lift company. Marceline Udry-Dumoulin and her siblings never gave up hope when looking for her parents, climbing the glacier 3 times to search for them. Marceline decided to finally host a funeral for her parents while wearing white instead of black to represent the hope she never lost. She said, "I can say that after 75 years of waiting this news gives me a deep sense of calm." Multiple bodies that have been lost in the Alps are being discovered due to the rise in global temperature melting the ice.
Source-http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-40645745
Get Out of Your Parent's Basement
Young adults are unable to find decent living spaces.
Most living spaces are limited and very expensive for kids who are in debt after college.
- I just removed "tons of" because it's not really needed. Normally a heavy amount is already implied when it comes to college debt.; Most living spaces are limited and very expensive for kids who are in tons of debt after college.
However, Ravi Naik has created a company called Katerra, where he is the Senior Vice President for Technology.
- I think it would be helpful if we know what Ravi does too, to make the statement stronger.; However, Ravi Naik has created a company called Katerra.
Katerra's purpose is to create buildings and spaces quickly and efficiently.
Naik said that "Katerra finished the construction of an entire first floor of a multi-unit residential building in just six hours"
- Whenever you want to quote someone, be sure to use quotes. And I decided to use to original quote because it better fits the sentence than the paraphrased part.; Naik said that Katerra finished the construction of a first floor of a multi-unit building in six hours.
Katerra's revolutionary mission will change the construction business while helping young adults come out of their parents' homes and find a place of their own to call home.
- This sentence was confusing to read, silently and aloud. It seemed like it could have been written to be two sentences but I revised it to add clarity and to give an overall conclusion to the piece.; Katerra is revolutionary and it will change the construction business and help young adults come out of their parents'
basements and live in their own place.
Source:http://www.digitalistmag.com/digital-supply-networks/2017/09/29/builder-gets-young-adults-out-of-your-basement-05383588 Edited by Michael Morrow
Get Out of Your Parent's Basement
Young adults are unable to find decent living spaces. Most living spaces are limited and very expensive for kids who are in debt after college. However, Ravi Naik has created a company called Katerra, where he is the Senior Vice President for Technology. Katerra's purpose is to create buildings and spaces quickly and efficiently. Naik said that "Katerra finished the construction of an entire first floor of a multi-unit residential building in just six hours." Katerra's revolutionary mission will change the construction business while helping young adults come out of their parents' homes and find a place of their own to call home.
Fight or Flight… or Frozen
- I think this title is still a work in progress and a step in the right direction. The original had quotations and was kind of bland. It wouldn’t grab too many people’s attention. This revised title has a little more character, but can be better.;"Fight or Flight" and Freeze
“Fight” and “Flight” are the primitive responses in humans, however, “freeze” is another response that animals usually do.
- I encased “fight,” “flight,” and “freeze” in quotations because the words can’t standalone while not using the intended meaning of the word. I changed “to” to “in” because the response is internal. A response can’t occur to a person but can occur within a person.; Fight and Flight are the primitive responses to humans, however freeze is another response that animals usually do.
Some humans "freeze" when they are in a threatening position, but this is involuntary.
- The context of the sentence is confusing, it comes from the word choice I believe. Maybe you could find a different word besides “response” in the sentence. What do you mean by response? I thought “position” would be more suitable.; Some humans "freeze" when they are in a threatening response, but this is involuntary.
"Our primitive brain takes over and immobilizes us, " says Dr. Rachael Sharman, a psychologist.
- You need to state where you got this quote from. Either the place or person would be fine. I went in and found the writer and some background on her.; "Our primitive brain takes over and immobilizes us. "
When that happens, humans are reported to have little or no memory from the trauma.
- I just added a few words to help the sentence flow better.; When that happens, humans report to have little or no memory from the trauma.
This can only happen when the event is so shocking or overwhelming that the brain shuts down.
Basically, when it comes down to a dangerous situation, you can "fight and flight" or freeze.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/why-do-we-freeze-when-frightened Edited by Michael Morrow
Fight or Flight… or Frozen
“Fight” and “Flight” are the primitive responses in humans, however “freeze” is another response that animals usually do. Some humans "freeze" when they are in a threatening position, but this is involuntary. "Our primitive brain takes over and immobilizes us, " says Dr. Rachael Sharman, a psychologist. When that happens, humans are reported to have little or no memory from the trauma. This can only happen when the event is so shocking or overwhelming that the brain shuts down. Basically, when it comes down to a dangerous situation, you can "fight and flight" or freeze.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/why-do-we-freeze-when-frightened
CTE in Football
- The title needs something more descriptive than "Football Disease." It doesn't tell the reader anything about what the passage is about. In fact, football disease could mean anything. That's why it is important to be specific and detailed. The new title "CTE in Football" gives a different light to the passage. The reader now knows what the passage will be talking about.; Football Disease
Football is a very dangerous sport that involves with uncountable injuries.
However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death: Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE, a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time.
- I decided to combine these two sentences since they are both short and simple. The first sentence remained to same then a colon was added to reveal what this injury is and what it does.; However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death. Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy(CTE) is a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time.
Football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells.
- I omitted "for example" because it seemed out of place in the sentence. The transition phrase didn't need to be there and the sentence as a whole did not need one.; For example, football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells.
Scientists said, "Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE."
- I omitted "with hard evidence" from the sentence. It seemed silly to say. All there needs to be is just "Scientists say." We know they have the evidence. And what is supposed to be "hard" about the evidence? And would the audience reading this consider the evidence to be "hard?" Also, whenever you quote in the way you did, always put a comma after "said."
- Scientists with hard evidence said " Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE."
When CTE accumulates the symptoms include: memory loss, dementia, confusion, depression, and behavioral problems.
Thus, people who have more concussions and head injuries will get this unfortunate disease.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/CTE-football-NFL-new-study Edited by Michael Morrow
CTE in Football
Football is a very dangerous sport that involves with uncountable injuries. However, one serious injury can cause brain cell damage and death: Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE, a degenerative brain disease that affects the brain over time. Football players receive repetitive blows to the head causing dead brain cells. Scientists said, "Of the 111 study subjects who'd played for the NFL, all but one had CTE." When CTE accumulates the symptoms include: memory loss, dementia, confusion, depression, and behavioral problems. Thus, people who have more concussions and head injuries will get this unfortunate disease.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/CTE-football-NFL-new-study
Nike Looks to Sell 3-D Shoes
- It is advised to not have questions as a title. Something simple can be made from the material presented. You could use "Nike Looks to Sell 3D Shoes.";3-D Printed shoes for sale?
Nike has plans to create and mass-produce sneakers by using 3-D printers.
The printer, the Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution, can produce sneakers 10 times faster than regular productions at half the cost.
- You're missing an article after the first comma. I put in "the" to help it.; The printer, Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution, can produce sneakers 10 times faster than regular productions at half the cost.
The Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution is the world's first production-ready 3-D printer.
There is not enough information regarding what Nike will 3-D print, but Nike will most likely use it for custom or on-demand items.
- There was a wird missing between "information" and "what" so I added "regarding" to help the understanding.; There is not enough information what Nike will 3-D print, but Nike will most likely use it for custom or on-demand items.
There are other companies that are using the same printer like BMW and Johnson&Johnson.
Once Nike starts creating 3-D printed shoes, the trend of printed shoes will become popular.
Source:http://www.complex.com/sneakers/2016/05/hp-3-d-printer-jet-fusion-nike Edited by Michael Morrow
Nike Looks to Sell 3-D Shoes
Nike has plans to create and mass-produce sneakers by using 3-D printers. The printer, the Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution, can produce sneakers 10 times faster than regular productions at half the cost. The Multi Jet Fusion 3D Printing Solution is the world's first production-ready 3-D printer. There is not enough information regarding what Nike will 3-D print, but Nike will most likely use it for custom or on-demand items. There are other companies that are using the same printer like BMW and Johnson&Johnson. Once Nike starts creating 3-D printed shoes, the trend of printed shoes will become popular.
Source:http://www.complex.com/sneakers/2016/05/hp-3-d-printer-jet-fusion-nike
The Complex Diet of a Vegetarian/Vegan
- I decided to focus on the facts given and base the title off of that. In the passage, you talk about all this info and it should be reflected in the title. And do not forget to capitalize every word in the title.; Are you a real or fake vegetarian/vegan?
When it comes to a vegan or vegetarian diet, many choose two different ways of eating, either the plant diet index(PDI), the healthful plant-based diet(hPDI), or the unhealthy plant-based diet(uPDI).
In Ambika Satija's case, a postdoctoral fellow at Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health, she created an experiment of people who have a PDI or an hPDI.
- It would be beneficial to the passage if you include Satija's merit. Whenever it comes to research and scientific based work, it is very important to acknowledge a person's merit. It allows people to decide if the person is credible or not.; In Ambika Satija's case, she created an experiment of people who have a PDI or an hPDI.
From the data compiled from both diets, hPDI had a reduced risk of heart disease and attacks compared to PDI and uPDI.
- I added words in the beginning to make a smoother transition. I removed the parenthesis from the sentence as they are not needed.; From the data of both diets,(hPDI) had a reduced risk of heart disease and attacks compared to (PDI) and (uPDI).
People who ate the hPDI diet digested more foods like whole grains, nuts, fruits, and vegetables, but less of sugar foods, potatoes, animal fat, and meat.
- I tried to make the sentence more sensible. It was all most confusing to read and seemed like the writer forgot to add some words. I gave the sentence a solid introduction that properly leads into the main point.;hPDI ate more foods like whole grains, nuts, fruits, and vegetables, but less of sugar foods, potatoes, animal fat, and meat.
People shouldn't call themselves vegetarians or vegans when they eat junk foods like sugary beverages, french fries, and fake fried chicken.
- I added an apostrophe in "cant" because contractions require one. There is not too much wrong with this sentence. However, I highly recommend not sounding so "judgy" when writing. So, I fixed in a way. But I recommend you consider a revision if the sentence of omitting it from the passage.; People cant call themselves vegetarians or vegans when those people eat junk foods like sugary beverages, french fries, and fake fried chicken.
Thus, individuals must choose wisely of what is eaten and drunken to sustain a healthy vegetarian/vegan diet.
- In this situation, I don't think it's important to use "you" in the sentence. Especially, when you never acknowledged the "you" prior to the closing sentence besides the title. I revised it to make it sound less targeted and more general.
- Thus, you must choose wisely of what you eat and drink to sustain a healthy vegetarian/vegan diet.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/vegetarian-vegan-not-always-healthy Edited by Michael Morrow
The Complex Diet of a Vegetarian/Vegan
When it comes to a vegan or vegetarian diet, many choose two different ways of eating, either the plant diet index(PDI), the healthful plant-based diet(hPDI), or the unhealthy plant-based diet(uPDI). In Ambika Satija's case, a postdoctoral fellow at Harvard T. H. Chan School of Public Health, she created an experiment of people who have a PDI or an hPDI. From the data compiled from both diets, hPDI had a reduced risk of heart disease and attacks compared to PDI and uPDI. People who ate the hPDI diet digested more foods like whole grains, nuts, fruits, and vegetables, but less of sugar foods, potatoes, animal fat, and meat. People shouldn't call themselves vegetarians or vegans when they eat junk foods like sugary beverages, french fries, and fake fried chicken. Thus, individuals must choose wisely of what is eaten and drunken to sustain a healthy vegetarian/vegan diet.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/vegetarian-vegan-not-always-healthy
Ravens: Terrifyingly Smart
- I chose this title because I thought it would be okay to add both elements of the fact the the birds are smart while being scary. ; Ravens:One of the Smartest Animals
When it comes to thinking of ravens, many are either terrified or annoyed by these birds.
However, these "terrifying" birds are a lot smarter than we thought.
- I made a small revision here, I removed "they were." I felt that these were just extra unnecessary words. You still have the same message as the original.; However, these "terrifying" birds are a lot smarter than we thought they were.
Ravens can solve puzzles, use animals to their disposal, and communicate with each other.
- I made some corrections in this sentence: you used "there" instead of "their" and you used the wrong form of "dispose." In this case, you should be using "disposal" and not "disposable." I think this sentence needs help. Yiu could insert another sentence talking about how they do these things. Or you can add more detail in this sentence. What kind of puzzles? How do they use other animals? What ways do they communicate with each other that are different from other birds?; Ravens can solve puzzles, use animals to there disposable, and communicate with each other.
Two scientists at Lund University, in Sweden, examined the behavior of some ravens and found an incredible discovery.
- I added two commas in the sentence to make an appositive. I changed "tested on" into "examined the behavior of" to give this piece a more scientific feel to it. PLus, it is not as simple as the original while not being over complicated.; Two scientists at Lund University in Sweden tested on some ravens and found an incredible discovery.
In the experiment, the ravens had the choice of a tiny food crumb or a tool, they would rather use the tool to open a container of more food.
- I switched word choices in this sentence. Instead of "a choosing", I used "the choice." And to match I changed "and" to "or."; In the experiment, the ravens had a choosing of a tiny food crumb and a tool, they would rather use the tool to open a container of more food.
In conclusion, these ravens should not be feared but should be admired for their intelligence.
- I changed the ending of the sentence to match the rest of the passage. This passage is geared towards their intelligence and not about respect. I think it is more about admiration than respect and if you think about, respect comes with admiration.; In conclusion, these ravens should not be feared but should receive respect from all humans.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/ravens-smart-plan-ahead
Edited by Michael Morrow
Ravens: Terrifyingly Smart When it comes to thinking of ravens, many are either terrified or annoyed by these birds. However, these "terrifying" birds are a lot smarter than we thought. Ravens can solve puzzles, use animals to their disposal, and communicate with each other. Two scientists at Lund University, in Sweden, examined the behavior of some ravens and found an incredible discovery. In the experiment, the ravens had the choice of a tiny food crumb or a tool, they would rather use the tool to open a container of more food. In conclusion, these ravens should not be feared but should be admired for their intelligence.
Moon Express Coming Soon
Moon Express is hoping to be the first commercial company to land on the Moon and win the $20 million XPrize.
- I omitted "a company" from the sentence because it's not needed. However, you can more detailed information in that space, if you want. Instead of saying "a company," you could say "a Silicon Valley company" or "a company ran by space entrepreneurs."; Moon Express, a company, is hoping to be the first commercial company to land on the Moon and win the $20 million XPrize.
Not only that, Moon Express also has plans for building a robotic outpost on the Moon by 2020.
Moon Express is assembling three different robots for three different missions: the first, "Lunar Scout" will launch this year and it will dispatch a small telescope and a laser range finder to achieve the prize of $20 million, the second, called "Lunar Outpost" will inspect the frozen water and minerals in and on the Moon, the third robot, "Harvest Moon", will extract samples of the Moon and will be used for scientific purposes.
Like many other experiences with space equipment, the price of materials is expensive so the company is hoping to receive federal funding for the project.
- I changed some of the word choices in this sentence. The second half seemed like it was missing a word, so I revised it. Instead of saying "very high," I replaced it with "expensive" which is less cliche than the latter. If you know at least an estimate on the cost of the materials, you can add that. Plus, I removed "Moon Express" because there is no need to repeat it multiple times. Especially when it is the only company being mentioned.; Like many other experiences with space equipment, the price of creating is very high so Moon Express is hoping to receive federal funding for the project.
However, if Moon Express does not receive the necessary funding, then there will be cost overruns and delays.
- I just wanted to rewrite the phrasing in this sentence. I changed the tone to give it a more urgent sound.; However, if Moon Express is not funded then there will be cost overruns and delays.
In conclusion, with help from others, Moon Express will achieve the goal of winning the XPrize competition and going into space.
- Even though I revised the conclusion of this passage, I very much recommend you rewriting this closer sentence. Your sentence says something different than what is discussed above. You never mentioned other big businesses and never established how they will be well known. So, I think you should brain storm on a more cohesive conclusion.; In conclusion, big businesses are competing to go to space and the company Moon Express will achieve that goal and will be well known.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/moon-express-lunar-outpost Edited by Michael Morrow
Moon Express Coming Soon Moon Express is hoping to be the first commercial company to land on the Moon and win the $20 million XPrize. Not only that, Moon Express also has plans for building a robotic outpost on the Moon by 2020. Moon Express is assembling three different robots for three different missions: the first, "Lunar Scout" will launch this year and it will dispatch a small telescope and a laser range finder to achieve the prize of $20 million, the second, called "Lunar Outpost" will inspect the frozen water and minerals in and on the Moon, the third robot, “Harvest Moon", will extract samples of the Moon and will be used for scientific purposes. Like many other experiences with space equipment, the price of materials is expensive so the company is hoping to receive federal funding for the project. However, if Moon Express does not receive the necessary funding, then there will be cost overruns and delays. In conclusion, with help from others, Moon Express will achieve the goal of winning the XPrize competition and going into space.
Giving Happiness
Scientists recently studied that giving makes us happy.
Zurich scientists organized a 50-person experiment which tested patients and examined their happiness levels after acts of generosity.
- With this sentence, I decided the reword and reorganize it. The original had a lot of unnecessary words that were taken out. I don’t think it was really important to say the experiment was conducted “at a lab.” Since scientists were involved with the study, it's already implied that the setting is in a lab or in that similar setting.; Scientists organized an experiment with 50 people at a lab in Zurich who tested the patients and examined their happiness levels after acts of generosity.
After each test, the patients’ brains would be examined with an MRI scan in which the scientists discovered that an area of the brain was triggered and would give a response to another part of the brain.
- This is another revised sentence where I switched phrases in the sentence. I replaced the first “and” with “in which.” I did it to cut down on how many times “and” is being used and make the sentence much clearer.; After each test, the scientists would examine the test patients’ brains with an MRI scan and discovered that an area of the brain was triggered and gave a response to another part of the brain.
The scientists created a scenario where two distinct groups were either to spend money for others or to spend on themselves.
- This was a good sentence, however I just made different word choices. The word “different” can be omitted or possibly replaced with “distinct” or “separate.”; The scientists created a scenario that two different groups were either to spend money for others or to spend on themselves.
The group that spent money on others was happier than the other group that only spent on themselves.
Therefore, spending money on others will make you happy and create a triggered response to different parts of the brain.
- I recommend changing "thus" to "therefore" as the transition of your closing sentence. "Therefore" is normally a better closer than "thus" and signifies the end.; Thus, spending money on others will make you happy and create a triggered response to different parts of the brain.
Source:https://www.seeker.com/health/mind/happiness-from-being-generous-has-a-neural-basis-within-the-brain
Edited by Michael Morrow
Giving Happiness Scientists recently studied that giving makes us happy. Zurich scientists organized a 50-person experiment which tested patients and examined their happiness levels after acts of generosity. After each test, the patients’ brains would be examined with an MRI scan in which the scientists discovered that an area of the brain was triggered and would give a response to another part of the brain. The scientists created a scenario where two distinct groups were either to spend money for others or to spend on themselves. The group that spent money on others was happier than the other group that only spent on themselves. Therefore, spending money on others will make you happy and create a triggered response to different parts of the brain.
Is Immortality Good or Bad?
- I wanted to title more catchy while being straight to the point. That's what I came up with. I think on this subject topic, you can get very creative with the title.; Living Longer: Good or Bad?
We, as humans, have always wanted to live longer.
- I added the commas and “as” to the sentence. This is a moment where you could use commas because if left as is, it wouldn't make since. Another suggestion is saying "As humans, we have always wanted to live longer."; We humans have always wanted to live longer.
With many ways to live longer and life expectancy already varies greatly, but we won’t become immortal.
- I feel like this sentence was missing something to really connect the first and second half of the sentence. I tried adding to the first half of the sentence, but don't be afraid to go back into your source and see what changes you can make.; Life expectancy already varies greatly, but we won’t become immortal.
There are many ethical reasons that humans shouldn’t live longer than regular expectancy.
One concern is that if there is a method to live longer, not everyone can have the money to pay for either the procedure or medicine.
- I just changed "way" to "method" to avoid being cliche.; One concern is that if there is a way to live longer, not everyone can have the money to pay for either the procedure or medicine.
Another example is, lifespan extension can change the way of political, social change, inheritance, and other important factors of life.
- Instead of using "more" at the end if the sentence, I changed it to a more specific version of "more." Since these elements you list are important to life, you can address them as such.; Another example is, lifespan extension can change the way of political, social change, inheritance, and more.
In conclusion, if we are able to live longer, there will be many complications for humans all over the world.
- I changed a few words in the sentence while still conveying the same message. So, you won't have to be repetitive, I omitted "ethical problems" and put in "complications." The new words broaden the view just beyond the ethics.; In conclusion, if we do live longer, there will be many ethical problems for humans all over the world.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/ethics-living-longer Edited by Michael Morrow
Is Immortality Good or Bad? We, as humans, have always wanted to live longer. With many ways to live longer and life expectancy already varies greatly, but we won’t become immortal. There are many ethical reasons that humans shouldn’t live longer than regular expectancy. One concern is that if there is a method to live longer, not everyone can have the money to pay for either the procedure or medicine. Another example is, lifespan extension can change the way of political, social change, inheritance, and other important factors of life. In conclusion, if we are able to live longer, there will be many complications for humans all over the world.
Engineering with Replicas to Save Dams
Michael Johnson, Utah State University hydraulics engineering professor, and other engineers created the Oroville Dam replica.
- Originally, I put "Michael Johnson" is enclosed in commas but didn't like the way it was shown. Normally in work like this, the person's name is first and their title is in commas.; Utah State University hydraulics engineering professor Michael Johnson and other engineers created the Oroville Dam replica
Michael Johnson created this dam replica to examine one of two channels that run the width of the spillway to allow air into the water to prevent bubble formations that can damage the concrete spillway of the real dam.
These new channels, called aerators, cost $300 million to reconstruct and will be applied by November when the winter rains and snow come to increase the water's volume in the dam.
- I just made a small change at the end. I switched the words around and removed some while keeping the same meaning.; These new channels, called aerators, cost $300 million to reconstruct and will be applied by November when the winter rains and snow come to increase the volume of the water in the dam.
The simulation of the 100-foot (30-meter) long replica, that took 40 days to build, begins with a crew member opening a large valve that sends water down a chute modeled after the spillway and crashing into blocks that disperse and send waves to a replica of the river.
- I enclosed "that took 40 days to build" in commas. That was like side information or an appositive which always are separated in the sentence by commas. And I removed "it" at the end, it was not needed. ; The simulation of the 100-foot (30-meter) long replica that took 40 days to build begins with a crew member opening a large valve that sends water down a chute modeled after the spillway and crashing into blocks that disperse it and send it in waves to a replica of the river.
With the help of the simulation, hydrologists can calculate the velocity of the water and track down how much air is going into the water, which can lead to the complete testing of the aerators.
- With this sentence, I just wanted to "polish" it. Change phrasing and words to make it more appealing. For example, I gave the transition some help.; With this simulation, hydrologists can calculate the velocity of the water and track down how much air is going into the water, which leads up to the complete testing of the aerators.
By utilizing this new type of technology, there will be fewer floods, evacuations, and less anxiety about the disastrous effects of inefficient dams.
- The beginning of this sentence or the one before it can be changed. If you already used it once, there no need to use it twice. So, I found a replacement for this beginning transition. And I thought "inefficient" would be a better word than "faulty."; With this new type of technology, there will be fewer floods, evacuations, and less anxiety about the disastrous effects of faulty dams.
Sources: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/jun/26/engineers-use-replica-to-pinpoint-california-dam-r/ Edited by Michael Morrow
Engineering with Replicas to Save Dams Michael Johnson, Utah State University hydraulics engineering professor, and other engineers created the Oroville Dam replica. Michael Johnson created this dam replica to examine one of two channels that run the width of the spillway to allow air into the water to prevent bubble formations that can damage the concrete spillway of the real dam. These new channels, called aerators, cost $300 million to reconstruct and will be applied by November when the winter rains and snow come to increase the water's volume in the dam. The simulation of the 100-foot (30-meter) long replica, that took 40 days to build, begins with a crew member opening a large valve that sends water down a chute modeled after the spillway and crashing into blocks that disperse and send waves to a replica of the river. With the help of the simulation, hydrologists can calculate the velocity of the water and track down how much air is going into the water, which can lead to the complete testing of the aerators. By utilizing this new type of technology, there will be fewer floods, evacuations, and less anxiety about the disastrous effects of inefficient dams.
The Health Ranger Takes on the EPA
The ever-vigilant, health conscious Mike Adams, AKA the Health Ranger, has announced that he will single-handedly assure that the U.S.'s water supply will be tested for its contaminants.
- I changed "pronounced" to "announced." "Pronounce" didn't fit with what you are trying to say; it means distinct or noticeable. I am sure "announce" will get the job done.; The ever-vigilant, health conscious Mike Adams, AKA the Health Ranger, has pronounced that he will single-handedly assure that the U.S.'s water supply will be tested for its contaminants.
Adams and his team have processed over six hundred water samples in the last year and in 2017, an additional 364 which have tested positive for heavy metals.
- I think it would be beneficial if you acknowledge who his team associates are. Are they a team of scientists? I omitted the first comma because it was not needed.; Adams and his associates have processed over six hundred water samples in the last year, and in 2017, an additional 364 which have tested positive for heavy metals.
Such metals as copper, arsenic, lead, and aluminum, a light metal, have been found in the water samples violating the EPA's water quality limits.
- I don't think you need the "heavy" in this sentence since it is still fresh in the readers' mind. I did a lot of butchering to this sentence, it had a lot going on. I shrunk it down and added that aluminum was a light metal. "with its possible neurotoxic detrimental effects" is a phrase you should keep, however, I am still figuring out how to work it in. If it is possible, can you form that phrase into a sentence?; Such heavy metals as copper, arsenic, and lead, along with aluminum, with its possible neurotoxic detrimental effects, have been found in the water samples violating the EPA's water quality limits.
Allegedly, the EPA routinely covers up such scientific evidence, refusing to tell the American people of the toxins in their drinking water.
During the testing, CWC Labs donated all of the lab time and materials for the water tests to be evaluated and the results to be produced to expose the U.S.'s toxic water supplies.
- It would be better if you say "during the testing" rather than "in the testing." Or you could say "during the testing period." Could you explain what "CWC" is? The acronym is widely used by multiple organizations. At least, spelling out the acronym will help readers.
- In the testing, CWC Labs donated all of the lab time and materials for the water tests to be evaluated and the results to be produced to expose the U.S.'s toxic water supplies.
On the Natural News website, Mike Adams has stated that "Natural News is willing to take over the nationwide testing of the water supply from the incompetent EPA... in terms of testing the national water supply." He continued with "I’m going to announce an offer to President Trump, explaining that we will test the entire national water supply and publish all the results for just $1 per year...handling up to 5,000 water samples per year for the American people."
- To give more credibility to this statement, say what the site specializes in. Or if there is access to an article where you can find the writer and their position. So, I researched the article and found that Mike Adams, himself, wrote the article. You can say "On the Natural News website, Mike Adams has stated that...";The site, Natural News, has stated that "(it) is willing to take over the nationwide testing of the water supply from the incompetent EPA... in terms of testing the national water supply" continuing with " I’m going to announce an offer to President Trump, explaining that we will test the entire national water supply and publish all the results for just $1 per year...handling up to 5,000 water samples per year for the American people"
Sources: http://naturalsciencejournal.org/ICP-MS-Analysis-364-Municipal-Water-Samples.html
Edited by Michael Morrow
The Health Ranger Takes on the EPA
The ever-vigilant, health conscious Mike Adams, AKA the Health Ranger, has announced that he will single-handedly assure that the U.S.'s water supply will be tested for its contaminants. Adams and his team have processed over six hundred water samples in the last year and in 2017, an additional 364 which have tested positive for heavy metals. Such metals as copper, arsenic, lead, and aluminum, a light metal, have been found in the water samples violating the EPA's water quality limits. Allegedly, the EPA routinely covers up such scientific evidence, refusing to tell the American people of the toxins in their drinking water. During the testing, CWC Labs donated all of the lab time and materials for the water tests to be evaluated and the results to be produced to expose the U.S.'s toxic water supplies. On the Natural News website, Mike Adams has stated that "Natural News is willing to take over the nationwide testing of the water supply from the incompetent EPA... in terms of testing the national water supply." He continued with "I’m going to announce an offer to President Trump, explaining that we will test the entire national water supply and publish all the results for just $1 per year...handling up to 5,000 water samples per year for the American people."
Russia Threatens to Target American Jets
- As straightforward as the title is, it's missing some specificity. It's just as simple as adding one word to fix it. I recommend mentioning the which country own's the jets. Who knows, a reader may mistake this title as saying that Russia is targeting the New York Jets.; Russia Threatens to Target Jets
Russia has threatened that any target operating above the Russian and Syrian airspace.
- I changed one word in this sentence "territory." The word "airspace" is the more correct term to use when talking about this situation. Territory seems like more of a grounded word.; Russia has threatened that any target operating above the Russian and Syrian territory.
The Syrian Democratic Forces, or SDF, and American warplanes launched an attack to retake a town called Ja'Din.
- I switched words around in the beginning of the sentence. It is better to introduce the whole name first, then follow it with the nickname or acronym. I recommend you say where Ja'Din is located. You could say, "...retake a town called Ja'Din located in (country here)."; The SDF (Syrian Democratic Forces) and American warplanes launched an attack to retake a town called Ja'Din.
After the attack concluded, a Syrian fighter jet launched airstrikes on SDF troops which led an American warplane to take it out.
- This revised sentence is a little shorter than the original. The original did get a little wordy. And I added a transition between "troops" and "an American" and I polished the sentence some.; After the attack had stopped, a Syrian fighter jet launched airstrikes on SDF troops, so an American warplane was sent to take it out.
That was the first air-to-air engagement between the US and Russia(?) since 1999.
- The only thing I want to pick out in the sentence is the need for a few words at the ending. So, this was the first engagement since 1999. But between who? You talk about the countries in this passage, so be more specific on who is engaged. This will also give the reader a reminder of who has issues with who.; That was the first air-to-air engagement since 1999.
In Moscow, Russian officials applied the necessary adjustments in the Syria war policy because of the shoot-down of a Syrian military aircraft by a US fighter.
- I thought it would be a better fit to say "Russian officials" rather than just the "Russians." Or another substitute could be "the Russian government officials." I thought it would be beneficial to the passage if "necessary" was added. Or instead of using "changes" you could use "amendments" or "adjustments." Sometimes, try to avoid basic overused words. Try to find some different words that have the same meaning as the original word.; In Moscow, the Russians applied the changes in the Syria war policy because of the shoot-down of a Syrian military aircraft by a US fighter
In conclusion, the Russians will try to stay cautious with the Americans attacking ISIS.
- This was a pretty good sentence, but I just added "will try" because the sentence is more of a future tense sentence. In conclusion, the Russians are trying to stay cautious with the Americans attacking ISIS.
Source: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/jun/19/russia-cuts-communications-us-syria-threatens-targ/ Edited by MichaelmMorrow
Russia Threatens to Target American Jets Russia has threatened that any target operating above the Russian and Syrian airspace. The Syrian Democratic Forces, or SDF, and American warplanes launched an attack to retake a town called Ja'Din. After the attack concluded, a Syrian fighter jet launched airstrikes on SDF troops which led an American warplane to take it out.That was the first air-to-air engagement between the US and Russia since 1999. In Moscow, Russian officials applied the necessary adjustments in the Syria war policy because of the shoot-down of a Syrian military aircraft by a US fighter. In conclusion, the Russians will try to stay cautious with the Americans attacking ISIS.
Amazon leads Whole Foods into the on-demand grocery system
- I think this title could be shorter and simpler. Readers don't want to see an eye full of a title. You should use rhetoric to catch the readers attention without overdoing it. ; Amazon buying Whole Foods to help make an easier on-demand grocery system
Amazon announced the second generation of its Dash Wand, an Alexa-enabled home barcode scanner that can add your grocery items to your AmazonFresh cart.
The company's way to improve the Dash Wand was by announcing their $13.7 billion deal to buy the Whole Foods Grocery chain, which includes 461 stores across the US, Canada, and the UK.
- I replaced "the way" with "the company's" because even though we know you're talking about Amazon, it is better to address the company while not trying to use words like "their."; The way to improve their Dash Wand was by announcing their $13.7 billion deal to buy Whole Foods Grocery chain, which includes 461 stores across the US, Canada, and the UK.
Whole Foods stores are accessible to many Americans because it is usually an hour's drive to the store, which makes Amazon's on-demand grocery delivery easier.
- I omitted "way" at the end, "easier" is enough to get the point across.; Whole Foods stores are accessible to many Americans because it is usually an hour's drive to the store, which makes Amazon's on-demand grocery delivery way easier.
Amazon created this second-generation tool because interacting with the Alexa or Echo device can be as easy as saying "Honey, we need eggs."
- I added a hyphen between "second" and "generation" because this is a compound adjective, which normally uses hyphens. I also added "tool" because it gives the item you are talking about distinction. In most cases, try to be as specific as you can.; Amazon created this second generation because interacting with the Alexa or Echo device can be as easy as saying "Honey, we need eggs."
The order will arrive to its destination in a matter of an hour or so, completely fresh, organic, and straight off the shelves of the nearest Whole Foods store.
- Some readers may question where the order is going to. Like I said, being specific is important. I think you can take that part of the sentence work with it more. You could possibly say "The order will arrive at the customer's location."
- The order will arrive in a matter of an hour or so, completely fresh, organic, and straight off the shelves of the nearest Whole Foods store.
With the new technology being created, buying groceries will be easier and faster.
- I think this conclusion has a lot more potential to be much stronger. Even though "in conclusion" is a good transition to the closing sentence, it's not needed. I omitted "a lot" because it is not really needed however I do suggest replacing it with "much more." But I think it is fine without that phrase as well. After the word "faster", I deleted the rest of the sentence. You were able to make a strong enough point in the first part of it.; In conclusion, with the new technology being created, buying groceries will be a lot easier and faster way than going outside to retrieve those groceries.
Source:http://www.popsci.com/amazon-buys-whole-foods-dash-wand Edited by Michael Morrow
Amazon Leads Whole Foods Into the On-demand Grocery System Amazon announced the second generation of its Dash Wand, an Alexa-enabled home barcode scanner that can add your grocery items to your AmazonFresh cart. The company's way to improve the Dash Wand was by announcing their $13.7 billion deal to buy the Whole Foods Grocery chain, which includes 461 stores across the US, Canada, and the UK. Whole Foods stores are accessible to many Americans because it is usually an hour's drive to the store, which makes Amazon's on-demand grocery delivery easier. Amazon created this second-generation tool because interacting with the Alexa or Echo device can be as easy as saying "Honey, we need eggs." The order will arrive to its destination in a matter of an hour or so, completely fresh, organic, and straight off the shelves of the nearest Whole Foods store. With the new technology being created, buying groceries will be easier and faster.
An Egg a Day Keeps you Big in Many A Way
- The title should be more enticing for the audience that you are trying to attract. And always capitalize each word, that is not a article or conjunction, in the title. Compared to the original title, the new, revised title does more for the summary. It mentions the main topic, the egg, and it says something about what the egg can do. Yes, the orginal title did that as well, however, when the reader sees the original, they may skip over. But when the new title is seen, it will attract their attention and almost force them to read what you have to say. So, here is a newer version of your title, "An Egg a Day Keeps you Big in Many A Way."; An egg a day, makes you taller and larger
According to Gaston, from "Beauty and the Beast", as a child, he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large.
- It would be beneficial to use "According to" at the beginning of the sentence to give the sentence more sophistication. By doing that, you will also have to add commas after "Gaston" and the second quotation marks. Plus, "said that" can be omitted and add a comma behind "child".; Gaston from, "Beauty and the Beast" said that as a child he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large.
However, just eating one egg a day can do the same.
Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other vitamins and minerals.
- "Amounts of" should be removed, it is not needed.; Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other amounts of vitamins and minerals.
A team of public health researchers from the United States and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador.
- It is helpful to the reader if you completely spell out the United States instead of using the abbreviation.; A team of public health researchers from the US and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador.
The group gathered up mother-infant pairs, separating one group with eggs and the other without eggs.
- You can remove "up" and use "gathered" by itself. I recommend removing "and separated", add a comma, then add "separating." The second "group" can be removed as well.; The group gathered up mother-infant pairs and separated one group with eggs and the other group without eggs.
After the six-month process, the kids who ate eggs were much taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs.
- You should add a hyphen between six and month. The phrase "a lot" should be replaced with "much."; After the six month process, the kids who ate eggs were a lot taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs.
Therefore, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well.
- It would better if you use "therefore" instead of "hence", it's much more known rather than hence.; Hence, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well.
Source: http://www.popsci.com/eggs-help-babies-grow Edited by Michael Morrow
An Egg a Day Keeps you Big in Many A Way According to Gaston, from "Beauty and the Beast", as a child, he ate four dozen eggs every morning to get large. However, just eating one egg a day can do the same. Eggs are high in protein, vitamin B12, riboflavin, choline, and other vitamins and minerals. A team of public health researchers from the United States and Ecuador tested this in an impoverished country like Ecuador. The group gathered up mother-infant pairs, separating one group with eggs and the other without eggs. After the six-month process, the kids who ate eggs were much taller and larger than the ones that didn't eat eggs. Therefore, if this experiment worked on children, then having an egg-based diet will have many health benefits for adults as well.
United Nations Project World Population to be 9.8B by 2050
- The original title did not do much for the passage. It doesn't look enticing to read. Readers would skip over this article just because of the title. Remember, the titles have to be a summary of your work and a clear summary of the topic. A strong passage like this one needs a strong title. I think this new title does the passage justice.; World Pop: 9.8B by 2050
By July of 2017, the world's approximate population will be over 7.5 billion, however by 2050, the population is expected to be at 9.8 billion.
- I shrunk and simplified this sentence. Instead of saying "mid year", you can be direct and say the month. And I omitted those zeros. The correct way to talk about millions/billions is to have the numerical value then the word "million" or "billion" behind it.; By the mid year of 2017 on July 2nd, the world's approximate population will be over 7,500,000,00, but by 2050, we'll be at 9,800,000,00.
The United Nations has released a report stating that the world's population will increase by over 2 billion people in the next thirty years.
- I think in this situation, U.N. can be spelled out.; The U.N. has released a report stating that the world's population will increase by over 2 billion people in the next thirty years.
Although global fertility rates have decreased in the last few years, still, approximately 83 million people have continued to increase the world's population every year.
- I changed "globally" to "global" and moved back while still conveying the same meaning. I changed "for a few years" into "the last few years." If it is possible, could there be a number of years instead?; Although fertility rates globally have decreased for a few years, still, approximately 83 million people have continued to increase the world's population every year.
The two most populated countries in the world, China and India, will switch places as top populace holders with India, currently having 1.3 Billion, overtaking China having a population of 1.4 billion.
- I omitted the comma behind China. There was no need for that Oxford comma.; The two most populated countries in the world, China, and India, will switch places as top populace holders with India, currently having 1.3 Billion, overtaking China having a population of 1.4 billion.
The United States is currently the third most-populous country and will lose its position to Nigeria by 2050.
- I changed the U.S. to "United States." I took out the comma and put "is" in the comma's place. Then, added "and" later in the sentence. This gave the sentence some transitions to utilize when moving from one thought to the next.; The U.S., currently the third most-populous country will lose its position to Nigeria by 2050.
With many third world nations increasing their populations and the push for first world nations to decrease theirs, the near future may have a great disparity of first and third world nations which could have serious repercussions for advanced civilizations.
- The first comma was not needed. As much as I love this closing sentence, I am really confused. If this is your "closer" then you need to have info to back this up. The previous sentences only talked about numbers, then the last is talking about repercussions and disparity. I suggest you reformulate this passage so it focuses more on why it's bad that third world countries are growing and the main nations are shrinking.; With many third world nations increasing their populations, and the push for first world nations to decrease theirs, the near future may have a great disparity of first and third world nations which could have serious repercussions for advanced civilizations.
Source: http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2017/06/22/533935054/u-n-says-world-s-population-will-reach-9-8-billion-by-2050 Edited by Michael Morrow
United Nations Project World Population to be 9.8B by 2050 By July of 2017, the world's approximate population will be over 7.5 billion, however by 2050, the population is expected to be at 9.8 billion. The United Nations has released a report stating that the world's population will increase by over 2 billion people in the next thirty years. Although global fertility rates have decreased in the last few years, still, approximately 83 million people have continued to increase the world's population every year. The two most populated countries in the world, China and India, will switch places as top populace holders with India, currently having 1.3 Billion, overtaking China having a population of 1.4 billion. The United States is currently the third most-populous country and will lose its position to Nigeria by 2050. With many third world nations increasing their populations and the push for first world nations to decrease theirs, the near future may have a great disparity of first and third world nations which could have serious repercussions for advanced civilizations.
Editor Michael Morrow: I could not combine the facts into JUST 4 Fact Sentences, there was too much info. Please allow for one extra fact sentence this time. Thank you.
Rivers Legally Receiving "Personhood"
(TS)In the fight against water pollution, New Zealand, Ecuador and India are substantially leaping ahead to save their rivers.
(FS1) Although not the same rights as humans, these countries assigned legal aspects to the rivers, similar to what corporations have, for the nations and overseers to legally sue any entity, person, corporation, and/or nation who pollute the rivers.
- I thought it would be better to omit "have." It flows better. I think this sentence can be reworded and reorganized. I feel like it is saying so much but I can't tell what it said. You may have to break this into two sentences.; Although not the same rights as humans have, these countries assigned legal aspects to the rivers, similar to that corporations have, for the nations and overseers to legally sue any entity, person, corporation, and/or nation who pollute the rivers.
(FS2)In New Zealand, the Whanganui River has been legally recognized to protect from pollution and for the relationship held between it and the Māori, the indigenous people of New Zealand.
- There is nothing really wrong with this sentence, I just removed "it" from it. It wasn't needed. I corrected the misspelled "indigenous."; In New Zealand, the Whanganui River has been legally recognized to protect it from pollution and for the relationship held between it and the Māori, the indigineous people of New Zealand.
(FS3)In Ecuador, the Constitution states that nature must be respected for its right to exist, maintain itself, and regenerate its life cycles, structures, functions and evolutionary processes and that anyone can demand Ecuadorian authorities enforce these rights.
- There is no need to put the Oxford comma behind "processes" because you stopped listing things ahead of it. I think that if you got this from the Constitution or the article, it would be good to quote it with quotation marks. The sentence seems more legal than just someone saying it. So, if you did get it from somewhere, it is best that you add quotes.; In Ecuador, the Constitution states that nature must be respected for its right to exist, maintain itself, and regenerate its life cycles, structures, functions and evolutionary processes, and that anyone can demand Ecuadorian authorities enforce these rights.
(FS4)The high court of Uttarakhand, in India, ruled that the Ganga and Yamuna rivers have the same legal rights as a person.
- I enclosed "in India" with commas because it is an appositive which means it modifies the noun and gives extra information. There is no need to capitalize "Rivers." Unless you want to say "Ganga River and Yamuna River."; The high court of Uttarakhand in India ruled that the Ganga and Yamuna Rivers have the same legal rights as a person.
(FS5)By assigning legal rights to nature as a legal entity, the appointed guardians of the rivers can enter and enforce regulations to protect the rivers from pollution.
- Clarity is needed for this sentence when it comes to two parts: appointed guardians and contracts. As much as I love the phrase "appointed guardians" for the rivers, I dont know what this mean. Are you saying that there is a special taskforce or a new division in the government to oversee protection? And "contracts." I wasnt sure what to think when the word was used this way. Did you use this in place of a law? In the way I read it, I replaced it with "regulations."; By assigning legal rights to nature as a legal entity, the appointed guardians of the rivers can enter and enforce contracts to protect the rivers from pollution.
(CS)So, as many mythological stories tell that nature transforms to man, in these cases, at least legally, the rivers have in fact gained "Personhood".
https://theconversation.com/three-rivers-are-now-legally-people-but-thats-just-the-start-of-looking-after-them-74983?sa=pg1&sq=river+personhood&sr=2 Edited by Michael Morrow
Rivers Legally Receiving "Personhood" In the fight against water pollution, New Zealand, Ecuador and India are substantially leaping ahead to save their rivers. Although not the same rights as humans, these countries assigned legal aspects to the rivers, similar to what corporations have, for the nations and overseers to legally sue any entity, person, corporation, and/or nation who pollute the rivers. In New Zealand, the Whanganui River has been legally recognized to protect from pollution and for the relationship held between it and the Māori, the indigenous people of New Zealand. In Ecuador, the Constitution states that nature must be respected for its right to exist, maintain itself, and regenerate its life cycles, structures, functions and evolutionary processes and that anyone can demand Ecuadorian authorities enforce these rights. The high court of Uttarakhand, in India, ruled that the Ganga and Yamuna rivers have the same legal rights as a person. By assigning legal rights to nature as a legal entity, the appointed guardians of the rivers can enter and enforce regulations to protect the rivers from pollution. So, as many mythological stories tell that nature transforms to man, in these cases, at least legally, the rivers have in fact gained "Personhood".
Netflix Dominates Cable by Millions
- Titles are always the first words that readers see, so try to make it as attractive as you can. This means using flashy, yet not overcomplicating diction.; Netflix Crushes Cable by Millions
In the competition of whether customers like expensive prechosen programs, or cheap choose-it -yourself entertainment, Netflix is quickly becoming the champion.
- I changed a few words in the sentence like at the beginning. It is more of a competition between the two entities rather than a challenge. Because they're both competing to be the dominant entertainment brand. I changed "customer" to "customers" because if you're speaking about a group of people, it is better to address them in plural form. Address it as if you are talking about those millions of people instead of one person.; In the challenge of whether a customer likes expensive prechosen programs, or cheap choose-it -yourself entertainment, Netflix is quickly becoming the champion.
Over the last six years, the online streaming provider has been in pursuit of cable TV providers and now Netflix has toppled cable TV with millions of more subscribers.
- Turning "gaining on" into "in pursuit of" gives a better example of how close Netflix is to cable. It gives a rushed feeling that let the readers know that Netflix is right on cable's heels. I also lowercased "cable" because it doesn't match the rest of your writing and it's not a specific company. However, if you were to use Time Warner or Comcast, those would need to be capitalized.; Over the last six years, the online streaming provider has been gaining on cable TV providers and now Netflix has toppled Cable TV with millions of more subscribers.
In the beginning of 2017, cable TV had 48 million subscribers while Netflix advanced to 59 million, the first time the online streaming company has overtaken cable since its inception in the US.
- Always remember to capitalize "TV", is a proper acronym just like NASA or USA. I corrected the spelling of "forty". Here is an interesting tip: when writing, if the number goes beyond nine, you can use the numerical symbol instead of spelling the whole number out. It is not a strictly enforced rule, but it is mostly used by journalists. I corrected the spelling of "online." Make sure you always read your writings for errors. If readers see too many, they may discredit you. ; In the beginning of 2017, cable tv had fourty-eight million subscribers while Netflix advanced to fifty-nine million, the first time the oneline streaming company has overtaken cable since its inception in the US.
The fact that users would rather pay Netflix's lower prices, that range between $7.99 - $11.99, to cable TV's $24.00 to $85.00, for the average pricing (sometimes more than $200.00 for the work).
- I recommend playing with this sentence. See what you can add on and take off and try a different sentence structure or possibly break it into two sentences. I had to reread the sentence a few times to understand what was being said. So, I replaced "of" with "that range" because usually that phrasing ties well with money and I added a comma before that and after "$11.99." And for the last piece of the sentence, I think parenthesis should be used and something has to be switched. This revision makes the sentences seem more clear than the original, but I still recommend going in for yourself and see what else you can do to it.; The fact that users would rather pay Netflix's lower prices of between $7.99 - $11.99 to cable TV's $24.00 to sometimes more than $200.00 for the works, and $85.00 for the average pricing.
Clearly, with millions of subscribers choosing Netflix, cable TV will have to alter its pricing or become the new Blockbuster.
- At the end, you can just say "become the new" it says the same as the orginal, but it is much more simple.; Clearly, with millions of subscribers choosing Netflix, cable TV will have to alter its pricing or go the way of Blockbuster.
Sources: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-4608624/Netflix-millions-subscribers-cable.html https://www.netflix.com/signup/planform Edited by Michael Morrow
Netflix Dominates Cable by Millions In the competition of whether customers like expensive prechosen programs, or cheap choose-it -yourself entertainment, Netflix is quickly becoming the champion. Over the last six years, the online streaming provider has been in pursuit of cable TV providers and now Netflix has toppled cable TV with millions of more subscribers. In the beginning of 2017, cable TV had 48 million subscribers while Netflix advanced to 59 million, the first time the online streaming company has overtaken cable since its inception in the US. The fact that users would rather pay Netflix's lower prices, that range between $7.99 - $11.99, to cable TV's $24.00 to $85.00, for the average pricing (sometimes more than $200.00 for the work). Clearly, with millions of subscribers choosing Netflix, cable TV will have to alter its pricing or become the new Blockbuster. _______________________ Editor Mimo's page
