Taking Control of a Brighter Future
Communities in Brazil are now able to create their own maintainable and inexpensive power supply with the power of solar energy. For example in a neighborhood in the city of Rio de Janeiro, the people are determined to build a better life than they previously had. They had electricity that was not affordable or reliable. They decided to campaign new ideas that would help create leisure time and make everyday tasks much easier. Eventually, there was an answer from the Brazilian Insolar, who offered the residents of the neighborhood solar panels and a local solar grid. This has brought the residents many social and economical benefits along the way. Not only is this community taking control of their energy future, but it is also collaborating to provide a positive future for generations to come.
Betsy Ross and the American Flag
- The title can be simplified down into the revised I made. The original was fine as it was but sometimes in writing, simple would win.; Betsy Ross's Relationship with the American Flag
Betsy Ross is well known for making the first American flag.
She was first called upon by three members of a secret committee from the Continental Congress, including George Washington, who would later become the first president of the country.
- I suggest calling Washington either "General" or "the first President of the United States." Believe it or not, some people are actually forgetting him and will mistake this George for Bush. I see it a lot.; She was first called upon by three members of a secret committee from the Continental Congress, including George Washington.
Ross and Washington were good acquaintances, which is partially the reason why she was chosen to make the flag.
As a widow, Ross struggled in her upholstery business when General Washington provided her a rough design of the flag.
- I changed "While she was a widow" to "As a widow" because it says more in few words and shows life in the 1770s. Also, I removed the comma between "business" and "when."; While she was a widow, Ross struggled in her upholstery business, when General Washington provided her a rough design of the flag.
Months before the Declaration of Independence was publicly announced for the first time, Ross finished the flag.
- The main rule is to avoid being wordy. For example, instead of "A few months before" you can say "Months before." They both have the same meaning. I corrected "announces" to "announced" and I removed the helping verb "had" from behind "Ross."; A few months before the Declaration of Independence was publicly announces for the first time, Ross had finished the flag.
The Continental Congress decided that the American flag would promote national pride and unity, with thirteen alternate red and white stripes and the union would be shown in a blue field with thirteen stars.
http://www.ushistory.org/betsy/flagtale.html
Betsy Ross and the American Flag
Betsy Ross is well known for making the first American flag. She was first called upon by three members of a secret committee from the Continental Congress, including George Washington, who would later become the first president of the country. Ross and Washington were good acquaintances, which is partially the reason why she was chosen to make the flag. As a widow, Ross struggled in her upholstery business when General Washington provided her a rough design of the flag. Months before the Declaration of Independence was publicly announced for the first time, Ross finished the flag. The Continental Congress decided that the American flag would promote national pride and unity, with thirteen alternate red and white stripes and the union would be shown in a blue field with thirteen stars.
http://www.ushistory.org/betsy/flagtale.html
Significance of the Liberty Bell
The Liberty Bell became well known when American abolitionists used it as a symbol to try to end slavery.
They utilized the bell as a metaphor for a country that was divided and lacked freedom for African Americans.
- In this sentence, I changed the word choice used. Instead of “named it,” I changed it to “utilized the bell.” This adds more specificity to what you are talking about. I felt no need to have both “torn apart/ divided” so I chose one that best fitted the situation. Last, I replaced “didn’t have” with “lacked.” ; They named it as a metaphor for a country that was torn apart/ divided and didn't have freedom for African Americans.
After the Civil War, the bell figuratively traveled across the country proclaiming liberty and spreading the idea of freedom.
It was occasionally rung to call people of the Assembly together for special announcements and many historical events.
- So, the main part that was revised was the ending. I removed the first “and” because you should only have one when listing things. I wanted to keep “events” and “occasions” but the works sound so much a like that only one could be used. So, I went with “events.”; It was occasionally rung to call people of the Assembly together for special announcements and events, and also many historical occasions.
When the nation's capital used to be Philadelphia, the bell was used for many causes in the government.
Today, the Liberty Bell still has great importance to our country, and we celebrate it every Fourth of July.
http://www.ushistory.org/libertybell/index.html
Significance of the Liberty Bell
The Liberty Bell became well known when American abolitionists used it as a symbol to try to end slavery. They utilized the bell as a metaphor for a country that was divided and lacked freedom for African Americans. After the Civil War, the bell figuratively traveled across the country proclaiming liberty and spreading the idea of freedom. It was occasionally rung to call people of the Assembly together for special announcements and many historical events. When the nation's capital used to be Philadelphia, the bell was used for many causes in the government. Today, the Liberty Bell still has great importance to our country, and we celebrate it every Fourth of July.
http://www.ushistory.org/libertybell/index.html
Why the Islamic World May Have Had an Impact on the Vikings
New historical evidence has suggested that interactions between the Vikings, Scandinavian warriors who roamed the sea, and Islam were greater than thought previously.
- I replaced the parentheticals with commas. Normally, in this kind of writing, parenthesis are not used too often. Also, I lowercased “warriors” because there was no need to have it capitalized.; New historical evidence has suggested that interactions between the Vikings (Scandinavian Warriors who roamed the sea) and Islam were greater than thought previously.
While studying burial garments, Annika Larsson, a textile archaeologist, discovered that the garments were created with a form of Arabic script.
- I decided to change the beginning phrase so it would read better. I thought it would be better that Larsson’s name go before her occupation so the readers can immediately identify who she is and be able to refer back to her later on.; During a study of burial garments, a textile archaeologist (Annika Larsson) discovered that the garments were created with a form of Arabic script.
It had characters signifying the “Allah,” the Arabic word for God.
- The main issue with this sentence is that you don’t say which god or whose god is being signified. Through the article I was able pull out the fact that the god was Allah. That’s something very important and should be stated.; It had characters signifying God.
Past DNA tests have shown that people buried in Viking graves were originally from a dominant Islamic territory.
- I simply changed “testings” to “test.”; Past DNA testings have shown that people buried in Viking graves were originally from a dominant Islamic territory.
Larsson also noted that the characters for the Arabic God were a consistent pattern on all the burial garments, indicating that the Vikings had specific connections with the Shiites, part of a branch of Islam.
She made a point on how this research could possibly help clear up the fact that Vikings opposed Islam and instead personally embraced parts of the religion.
http://www.history.com/news/why-are-these-viking-burial-clothes-inscribed-with-arabic-script
Edited by Michael Morrow
Why the Islamic World May Have Had an Impact on the Vikings
New historical evidence has suggested that interactions between the Vikings, Scandinavian warriors who roamed the sea, and Islam were greater than thought previously. While studying burial garments, Annika Larsson, a textile archaeologist, discovered that the garments were created with a form of Arabic script. It had characters signifying the “Allah,” the Arabic word for God. Past DNA tests have shown that people buried in Viking graves were originally from a dominant Islamic territory. Larsson also noted that the characters for the Arabic God were a consistent pattern on all the burial garments, indicating that the Vikings had specific connections with the Shiites, part of a branch of Islam. She made a point on how this research could possibly help clear up the fact that Vikings opposed Islam and instead personally embraced parts of the religion.
http://www.history.com/news/why-are-these-viking-burial-clothes-inscribed-with-arabic-script
Avoid Cancer by Putting Sunscreen on Your Eyelids
- Use active voice; always capitalize important words in a title; Avoiding cancer by putting sunscreen on your eyelids
A majority of sunscreen bottles contain warnings that tell people to avoid putting sunscreen on areas near their eyes.
- Since “bottles” is plural, use “contain” instead of “contains”, for sentence flow and to maintain an active voice, changed “telling” to “that tell” A majority of sunscreen bottles contains warnings telling people to avoid putting sunscreen on areas near their eyes.
However, dermatologists have conducted research that shows that following these instructions puts people at a higher risk of cancer.
- They’ve conducted more than one study, I assume, so take out the “a”, use active voice; However, dermatologists have conducted a research showing that following these instructions put people at a higher risk of cancer.
The regions covered in the warnings are the site of a significant amount of skin cancers; 10% of these cancers begin in the eyelids.
- Specify what the regions are, use a semicolon to connect these two complete thoughts; These regions are the site of a significant amount of skin cancers, 10% of which begin in the eyelids.
In spite of the study, most people still stray away from applying sunscreen around their eyes; an alternative for them would be to wear sunglasses.
- Specify that you’re talking about the research study, use active voice instead of “are straying”, use a semi colon to connect two complete thoughts; Although given this warning, most people still are straying away from applying sunscreen around their eyes, so an alternative to this would be to wear sunglasses.
Experts believe that the sunscreen products are causing too much concern; sunbathers should cover themselves head-to-toe with at least a factor 30 sun cream or sunscreen.
- Active voice, use a semi colon to connect two complete thoughts, never use a slash when you could use the word “or”; Experts believe that the sunscreen products are causing too much worrying, and sunbathers should cover themselves head-to-toe with at least a factor 30 sun cream/ sunscreen.
Avoiding Cancer by Putting Sunscreen on Your Eyelids
A majority of sunscreen bottles contain warnings that tell people to avoid putting sunscreen on areas near their eyes. However, dermatologists have conducted research that shows that following these instructions puts people at a higher risk of cancer. The regions covered in the warnings are the site of a significant amount of skin cancers; 10% of these cancers begin in the eyelids. In spite of the study, most people still stray away from applying sunscreen around their eyes; an alternative for them would be to wear sunglasses. Experts believe that the sunscreen products are causing too much concern; sunbathers should cover themselves head-to-toe with at least a factor 30 sun cream or sunscreen.
Edited by Kaitlyn Crow
where is your source?
Avoiding cancer by putting sunscreen on your eyelids
A majority of sunscreen bottles contains warnings telling people to avoid putting sunscreen on areas near their eyes. However, dermatologists have conducted a research showing that following these instructions put people at a higher risk of cancer. These regions are the site of a significant amount of skin cancers, 10% of which begin in the eyelids. Although given this warning, most people still are straying away from applying sunscreen around their eyes, so an alternative to this would be to wear sunglasses. Experts believe that the sunscreen products are causing too much worrying, and sunbathers should cover themselves head-to-toe with at least a factor 30 sun cream/ sunscreen.
The Return of Patrick Nyarko Brings Back D.C. United Offense
Patrick Nyarko is ranked one of the most powerful attackers in Major League Soccer (MLS) in the past decade.
Though he hasn’t been given a spot on the end-of-year all-league team, Nyarko claims he is working for his team, not himself.
- Is this what you mean? I’m not sure of the meaning of this sentence – what is the end-of-year all-league team?; Though he hasn't been considered a spot on the end-of-year all-league team, Nyarko claims he is working for his team, not himself.
Due to a concussion last season, Nyarko remained in the sidelines for six matches.
As a result, United averaged at most one goal per game.
Last week, when United had a 2-1 win over Atlanta, Nyarko was the one who scored the game-winning point.
- Need a comma; Last week when United had a 2-1 win over Atlanta, Nyarko was the one who scored the game-winning point.
His attitude and determination makes him a great player for MLS and his teammates.
The Return of Patrick Nyarko Brings Back D.C. United Offense
Patrick Nyarko is ranked one of the most powerful attackers in Major League Soccer (MLS) in the past decade. Though he hasn’t been given a spot on the end-of-year all-league team, Nyarko claims he is working for his team, not himself. Due to a concussion last season, Nyarko remained in the sidelines for six matches. As a result, United averaged at most one goal per game. Last week, when United had a 2-1 win over Atlanta, Nyarko was the one who scored the game-winning point. His attitude and determination makes him a great player for MLS and his teammates.
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/jun/29/patrick-nyarkos-return-from-injury-sparks-dc-unite/
Edited by Kaitlyn Crow
The Return of Patrick Nyarko Brings Back D.C. United Offense
Patrick Nyarko is ranked one of the most powerful attackers in Major League Soccer (MLS) in the past decade. Though he hasn't been considered a spot on the end-of-year all-league team, Nyarko claims he is working for his team, not himself. Due to a concussion last season, Nyarko remained in the sidelines for six matches. As a result, United averaged at most one goal per game. Last week when United had a 2-1 win over Atlanta, Nyarko was the one who scored the game-winning point. His attitude and determination makes him a great player for MLS and his teammates.
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/jun/29/patrick-nyarkos-return-from-injury-sparks-dc-unite/
Increasing International Airport Security
Rather than banning devices such as laptops and tablets, the U.S. decided to boost the amount of security in international flights.
This means incoming travelers will be subject to a screening process, which will more than likely lead to delays
- Awkward phasing; This means incoming travelers will be subject through a process of screening, which will more than likely lead to delays.
The reasons for the placements of these new measures are past terrorist attacks and the safety of the public.
The U.S. has already banned electronics in a ban that affected flights from eight different major Muslim countries, but adjudicated on not banning them on other international flights.
- Verb tense, awkward phrasing, define what “this” is; The U.S. had already banned electronics that affected flights from eight different major Muslim countries, but adjudicated on not going through with this.
Raising aviation security will hopefully create a more secure environment.
Increasing International Airport Security
Rather than banning devices such as laptops and tablets, the U.S. decided to boost the amount of security in international flights. This means incoming travelers will be subject to a screening process, which will more than likely lead to delays. The reasons for the placements of these new measures are past terrorist attacks and the safety of the public. The U.S. has already banned electronics in a ban that affected flights from eight different major Muslim countries, but adjudicated on not banning them on other international flights. Raising aviation security will hopefully create a more secure environment.
http://time.com/money/4838041/laptop-ban-airport-screenings-us-flights/?xid=homepage
Edited by Kaitlyn Crow
Increasing International Airport Security
Rather than banning devices such as laptops and tablets, the U.S. decided to boost the amount of security in international flights.
This means incoming travelers will be subject through a process of screening, which will more than likely lead to delays.
The reasons for the placements of these new measures are past terrorist attacks and the safety of the public.
The U.S. had already banned electronics that affected flights from eight different major Muslim countries, but adjudicated on not going through with this.
Raising aviation security will hopefully create a more secure environment.
http://time.com/money/4838041/laptop-ban-airport-screenings-us-flights/?xid=homepage
SNYDER: Another helping of Cavs-Warriors? Yes, please
In this season of the NBA playoffs, fans have been complaining about the lack of entertainment: too many blowouts, boring series, and no new winners.
- Don't use "etc..." in writing people want to read the facts. If you have no more facts, just end the sentence. ;In this season of the NBA playoffs, fans have been complaining about the lack of entertainment: too many blowouts, boring series, no new winners, etc.
Then there was a third consecutive NBA Finals match up between the Cavaliers and the Warriors, which everyone had already predicted, seeing as they have six of the top 20 players.
However, people are not looking forward to watching Cavs-Warrior play-offs for the third consecutive time.
Fans argue that competition was way better in the time of Michael Jordan, his team winning 6 straight NBA titles.
- Don't use pronouns, we readers are unsure of who you mean.
Since we can't do anything to change the fate of these two teams, those watching the game will have to wait and be optimistic on the level of entertainment basketball players and teams will give fans in the future.
- A little unclear by saying "left to come", be a little more straight forward about future events; Since we can't do anything to change the fate of these two teams, those watching the game will have to wait and be optimistic on the level of entertainment left to come.
Source: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/may/22/lebron-james-vs-kevin-durant-yes-please/
Possible Man-Made Bubble Around The Earth
- Your Title was a copy of the original, plagiarism. The original title and the subtitle could be combined to create a new sentence that tells more about the subject for the topic sentence; We may have accidentally formed a protective bubble around Earth***
Earth Radio waves might have accidentally formed a protective bubble around our planet which could be protecting us from space weather.
- Better to use the subject of VLF in the beginning, "The Navy" by using the Navy, it is clear where the VLF originates from and then is less confusing to read; Very low frequency radio waves can be used to send messages from the Navy to an underwater submarine, and some reach all the way to space. ***
The Navy uses Very Low Frequency radio waves, VLF for short, to send messages to submarines and sometimes these radio waves reach space
- Defining what Van Allen Probes, and other unknown terms, are key to understanding the content of the articles.
A new finding from the Van Allen Probes, two robotic spacecraft being used to study the Van Allen radiation belts that surround Earth, show that these long wavelengths may be forming a bubble protecting our planet's atmosphere.
- Is this sentence necessary? It confuses me because it is not talking about the man-made bubble, or the probes, too much info in a short amount of writing gets confusing to readers. Perhaps just using a definition of the belts from another article would be better; Van Allen radiation belts surround the earth, with charged particles from the sun that could get stuck in the earth's magnetic field.***
A radiation belt is a zone of energetic charged particles, most of which originate from the solar wind that is captured by and held around a planet by that planet's magnetic field.
- So? You need to continue your writing and bring it back to the main topic; During a major geomagnetic storm in 2015, these belts surprisingly didn't come any closer to the earth than the plasmasphere, and the radio signals stopped at the same area where the electron particles stopped passing through,***
During a major geomagnetic storm in 2015, these belts surprisingly didn't come any closer to the earth than the plasmasphere, and the radio signals stopped at the same area where the electron particles stopped passing through, thus hinting that something else might be affecting which may just be this man-made bubble.
The U.S. Air Force is planning on testing the strength of VLF waves from space pollution and storms, and learn more about Earth's new "bubble".
http://www.popsci.com/radio-wave-shield-space-weather#page-2 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Van_Allen_Probes
Very low frequency radio waves can be used to send messages from the Navy to an underwater submarine, and some reach all the way to space. A new finding from the Van Allen Probes shows that these long wavelengths may be forming a bubble protecting our planet's atmosphere. Van Allen radiation belts surround the earth, with charged particles from the sun that could get stuck in the earth's magnetic field. During a major geomagnetic storm in 2015, these belts surprisingly didn't come any closer to the earth than the plasmasphere, and the radio signals stopped at the same area where the electron particles stopped passing through. The U.S. Air Force is planning on testing the strength of VLF waves from space pollution and storms, and learn more about Earth's "bubble".
http://www.popsci.com/radio-wave-shield-space-weather#page-2
