The World for Freedom

Revision as of 01:34, 12 June 2020

Original:

Tenn's Writing

There are a few details that explain why all people who enter the program do not become astronauts. One detail that explains why might people who assigned to get practice to go to space may not go to space because if a person who assigned fails a hard obstacle course they may not go to space. Another detail that explains about why might people who assigned for going to space practice might not go to space because if they don't get enough practice then they wont be experienced and they will not be able to pass and go to space. The last detail that explains why might people who assigned to go to space practice might not go to space because if there might be too much people that passed there might be a lottery . These are all the few details that explain why might people who assign for the space practice might not go to space.

Corrections:

• • • I don't see a title or link to the article. It is crucial to always create your own title.

There are a few details that explain why all people who enter the program do not become astronauts.

• • • This sentence is choppy and too formulaic. If you want to write in a smoother way, change it to: "The article discusses a few details which explain why all people who enter the space program don't end up becoming astronauts.

One detail that explains why might people who assigned to get practice to go to space may not go to space because if a person who assigned fails a hard obstacle course they may not go to space.

• • • Edited for grammar: This sentence doesn't make total sense, but it can be fixed very easily. First off, "detail" doesn't make sense in the context of this article. It should be changed to another word, such as perhaps "reason." This sentence should be changed to: "One reason why people assigned to get practice to go to space might not be able to go is if they fail an obstacle course."

Another detail that explains about why might people who assigned for going to space practice might not go to space because if they don't get enough practice then they wont be experienced and they will not be able to pass and go to space.

• • • Edited for grammar: This is another example of a time when "detail" doesn't make sense. Let's try changing it to : Another reason those assigned to go to space might not be able to is if they don't get enough practice because they will not be able to pass and go to space.

The last detail that explains why might people who assigned to go to space practice might not go to space because if there might be too much people that passed there might be a lottery.

• • • Edited for length and grammar: Your summary is only five sentences. It is supposed to be six. This is okay, because we can fix it by making this sentence two sentences instead of one. Change this to: Sometimes, more people pass the test than are allowed to go to space. In that event, astronauts get selected from a lottery.

These are all the few details that explain why might people who assign for the space practice might not go to space. 

• • • Edited for grammar: A sentence like this isn't very necessary, because you've already explained what your summary is about. It should instead be another sentence discussing the contents of the article. I do not have the link to the article, and can't add another sentence summarizing the article. So, let's change this last sentence because of the grammatical errors in it. "These are all the few details" doesn't make sense and neither does "might people who assign for space." Let's change this sentence to: "These are the reasons why some people who assign for space might not be able to go there."

Fully edited version

"No title given"

The article discusses a few details which explain why all people who enter the space program don't end up becoming astronauts. One reason why people assigned to get practice to go to space might not be able to go is if they fail an obstacle course. Another reason those assigned to go to space might not be able to is if they don't get enough practice because they will not be able to pass and go to space. Sometimes, more people pass the test than are allowed to go to space. In that event, astronauts get selected from a lottery. These are the reasons why some people who assign for space might not be able to go there

• • • Good effort. You need to double-check your work. Many of your sentences were nonsensical, but that could be fixed in the future if you double-checked it. This is an interesting topic, and it would have been a lot more engaging had you included a link to the article and also your own, original title. Remember these rules: there has to be a title, a link, and it should be six sentences. Good luck with your writing!

This is a detail that explains why it is different about the graduation ceremony's from before and the graduation ceremony's now. One detail that explains what is different from the graduation ceremony now then the graduation ceremony before is that now unless having too see the people in person people will use robots and call the people on zoom and put the I-pad on the robot such as when the students graduate the president of the collages will hand the certificate to the robot with the I-pad on it. This is the one detail that explains what is different from the graduation before and the graduation now.

There are 2 details that explain how William achieved his accomplishment in helping kids in hunger. One detail that explains how William achieved his accomplishment is that William started helping kids that are hunger when he was in first grade he first knew about kids hungry in his class and he was shock so he persuaded his mom to drive him to a local food lion and bought 14,000 pounds of food to send to the kids during spring break. Another detail that explains how William achieved his accomplishment is that after 7 years he got another 55,000 pounds of food for the kids that are very hungry and he was also honored as a prudential spirit of the community and also William was the founder of food drive kids because of Williams good work for the kids more then hundreds of kids from boys school and scout group volunteer to make food drive kids successful. These are all the details that explain how William achieved his accomplishment.

This is a detail that explains about why earth day will still be celebrated even though that there is covid-19 and going outside is restricted but only in important causes. One detail that explain why earth day will still be celebrated even though that there is covid-19 and it is restricted to go outside only for important causes is that there is a 5 day trail and it is going on for 5 continents on the internet so the people who work for the Exponentialroadmap will discuss topics with the people who want to participate about ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government and it will be going to be going on for four days from april,20 to april,24. This is the detail that explains about why earth day is still being celebrated even though there is covid-19 and it is restricted to go outside only for important causes.

There are is a detail that could explain about how the boys are helping the seniors. One detail that explains about how the boys are helping the seniors is that the teenagers are helping there grandparents and neighbors and then people started sharing that the teenagers are helping seniors but soon enough the teenagers were putting flyers around that they are helping elderly seniors. This is a detail that explain how the boys helped the seniors.

There are a few details that explain how can I help the earth. One detail that explains how I can help the earth is that I can plant trees and plant anything because trees keep the air clean, you could also pick up trash and not throw it in the trash you should recycle it so it will go to use. These are all the details that explain how can I help the earth and keep the earth clean and healthy.

           There are a few details 

that explain about how important it is to sleep. One detail that explains about how important to sleep is that if you sleep you could get smarter and your brain will work better,also if you sleep all your blood cells will remain safe inside you. These are all the detail that explain why it is so important to sleep

                    Boston Robot dog 
                      Helps  patients 

There are a few details that explain how the Boston robot dog helps COVID-19 patients. One detail that explains how the Boston robot dog helps COVID-19 patients is that the robot dog has a light on its back so when something goes on the light with COVID-19 the virus will go away. These are all the details that explain how the Boston robot dog helps the patients with COVID-19.

                                                                 THE LITLE MERMAID

                                   This is one detail that explains what gave the youngest princess

the most pleasure to all the things. One detail that explains what gave the youngest princess the pleasure to all the thing is that the youngest princess had soft skin blue eyes that were the color of the ocean and she was as delicate as a roseleaf. This is the detail that explains what gave the youngest princess the most pleasure to all the things.

             The Buckwheat

There are a few details that explain what are the differences between the buckwheat and the willow tree. One detail that explains what are the differences between the buckwheat and willow tree is that the buckwheat was stubborn and stood up straight and did not listen to his friend so the buckwheat got hit and died on the other hand the willow tree bent a little bit so the willow tree did not get hit or die. These are all the details that explain what was the differences between the buckwheat and the willow tree.

    A Happy Family

    There is a detail that explain who was the nicest tree. One detail that explains who is the nicest tree is that the nicest tree was the burdock tree because the burdock tree let the snails eat him so they could survive. This is the detail that explains who was the nicest tree.
                   The Lucky Merchant
    

There are a few details that explain how did the merchant wealthy/rich and lucky. One detail that explains why or how the merchant got rich is that there was a goose and it was flying with its feathers like gold but then one of the pieces of the feather fell and gave the merchant good luck. These are all the details that explain how the merchant got wealthy and rich and lucky.

           The Greenies

There are a few details that explain what we’re the soapsuds used for in the story. One detail that explains what we’re the soapsuds used for in the story is that the soapsuds were used to kill the rose tree because it said the humans were trying to destroy them later and they gave the rose tree soapsuds. These are all the details that explain what we’re the soapsuds used for in the story.

Jumping challenge

There are a few details that explain how do you get the treasure inside the story. One detail that explains how to get the treasure inside the story is that defeat the queen in a jumping contest and get the treasure. These are all the details that explain how to get the treasure inside the story.

Tin soldiers

There is a detail that explains who is the main character of the story. One details that explains who is the main character of the story is that the Tin soldiers are the main characters because there name was the story’s name. This is the one detail that explains who is the main character and why the tin soldiers are the main characters of this story.

The Flax

There are a few details that explain why did the flax sing the song inside the story. One detail that explains why did the flax sing the song inside the story is that the flax sang the song about how beautiful and also how nobody can be happier then the flax. Another detail that explains why the flax sang the song inside the story is that the flax was singing so she would know how much delight she was in and how happy she was. These are all the details that explain why did the flax sing the song inside the story.

Ali Baba

There are a few details that explain why Ali Baba was able to get inside the cave. One detail that explains how Ali Baba got into the cave is that Ali Baba had have faith in others and so he was brave and bravely went into the cave and took as many as gold as he wanted and so Ali Baba took it. These are all the details that explain why Ali Baba was able to get in the cave.

There is a detail that explains what was the author trying to tell us inside the story. One detail that explains what was the author trying to say in the story is that the author was trying to say that the roosters were comparing each other inside the story. Another detail that explains what the author was trying to tell us in the story is that the two rooster were trying to compose who was better between the two comparing roosters. These are all the details that explain what is the author trying to tell us inside the text.

There are a few details that explain what sowed that the princess was a princess. There are a few details that explain what showed that the princess was a actual princess is that she perfectly cleaned the room and sorted out all of the sheets and that is some of the proof that the princess was actually a real princess. These are all the details that explain what showed that the princess was actually a real princess that could marry the prince.

There are a few details that explain why did Great Claus take away the horse from little Claus. One detail that explains why do Great Claus take away Little Claus’ horse is that Little Clause cracked his butt and Great Claus might of got embarrassed of what little Claus did so Great Claus told Little Claus to get out of here but little Claus did not listen so Great Claus unless took Little Claus’ is hours. These are all the details that explains why did Great Claus take away the horse from Little Claus.

There are a few details that explain what was the young lady very interested in. One detail that explains what was the young lady interested in is that the young lady wanted to pass the over 1000 year old gate so she asked the sculpture and the sculpture said that there is a plain place with an opening that you could pass through as the sculpture said. These are all the details that explain what was the young lady very interested in.

Original paragraph: There are a few details that explain how will the beetle live his life. One detail that explains how will the beetle live his live is that I think the beetle will stay with the golden horse shoe and speak with the golden shoe which costs many riches. Another detail that explains how I think the beetle will live his live is that the beetle will stay will the be a very talkative because he spoke with the horse golden shoe for a very long time. These are all the details that explain how will the little beetle live his whole life.

Edits:

• • • I think the beetle will live his life by staying with the farrier who made the golden shoes for the horse and speaking with him.

Make sure you know who the beetle is speaking to. Here, it is actually the farrier (a craftsman) who made the golden shoes for the horse, the beetle is not talking to the horse! This can be confusing, so try to read the story a couple more times till you understand it. Also, it is okay to combine R (restate the question) and A (answer the question) into one sentence. This is what I did here to make your paragraphs less repetitive.

• • • According to the story, the beetle spoke with the farrier for a very long time.

Try using the words “According to the story," or "The text states," or "The story says" to introduce a passage from the story. Also, try using a direct quote with quotation marks in a sentence for your next paragraph.

• • • This proves that the beetle is very talkative.

Make sure to proofread your paragraph. You have some typos in the middle of your third sentence. Also try not to have your last sentence be the same as your first sentence.

Edited paragraph: I think the beetle will live his life by staying with the farrier who made the golden shoes for the horse and speaking with him. According to the story, the beetle spoke with the farrier for a very long time. This proves that the beetle is very talkative.

Comments:

Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. There are two things I would like you to work on for now:
1. Try to change up how you begin each sentence. Right now you begin all your sentences by talking about "details," but let's try to come up with different words, so all your sentences don't sound alike. I gave you some examples in the "edits" section ("I think" and "According to the story" and "This proves" are some examples. You could also say "The beetle" for one sentence.)
2. Make sure to read each question carefully. The question was actually "how did the beetle live his high perched life?" not how will the beetle live his life.

You can do this! If you have any questions about writing or my edits, please type them out for me here. I am excited to see your next paragraph!

Original Paragraph: There are a few things that can explain what did the bird do for the bad man. I think the the bird put the sunlight on the man and touched him and made him a good man and not a bad man anymore so the bad man will not do any more bad things in the place where the bird was. According to the story I think the bird gave the man the luck when the sun rose on the good side and not on the time when the was the evil sun rise time. These are all the things what I think the bird has done for the bad man.

Should I always add a topic that starts with there are a few things and should I conclude as These are a few thing because I do not know any other ways to make my topic or conclusions

Thank you

Original Paragraph: There are a few details that explain a thing that can describe the little four year old boy. According to the story I would say the boy is giving because he was making a trough for the old wife and husband to eat out of. Another thing is that I think the boy is polite because he was helping the parents that were very old. These are all the details that explains what words would describe the little four year old boy.

Edits:

The little four-year-old boy is giving. Here, you can combine R (restate the question) and A (answer the question).

According to the story, he made a trough for the old wife and husband to eat out of. Make sure to put a comma (,) after "story."

The boy is also polite because he made the trough to help his parents when they become old. In the story, his parents aren't actually old yet. He's making the trough for when they become old in the future.

This proves the little four-year-old boy is giving and polite. Make sure to conclude your paragraph by

Edited Paragraph: The little four-year-old boy is giving. According to the story, he made a trough for the old wife and husband to eat out of. The boy is also polite because he made the trough to help his parents when they become old. This proves the little four-year-old boy is giving and polite.

Thanks for your question! Here's what I think. Instead of mentioning details or things, just state your sentences. Lastly, for your E (explain your evidence), try starting your sentences with "This proves" or "This shows." For your next paragraph, try to have no sentences that begin with "There are a few details" or "Another thing." Make sure to look at the edited paragraph above to see how I edited your sentences in ways that don't mention details or things. Please let me know if this makes sense or not!