The World for Freedom

Revision as of 20:50, 13 May 2020

Peta's Writing Page

Original: We need to keep social distance so many people do not get the virus. According to the text,”Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes.” In addition “Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators.” This shows that we should listen to important parts of advice so that we can be safe from the virus.

Edits:

• • • We need to keep social distance so many people do not get the virus.

Edited for clarity and grammar: We need to keep social distancing so people do not get the virus.
Distancing needs to be plural and take out the word many.

• • • According to the text,”Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes.”

Edited for clarity: According to the text, "Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes."
Put a space after the comma so the quote is separated.

• • • In addition “Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators.”

Edited for fluidity: In addition, Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators.
No need for quotations because you already stated that both Hota and Rousseau said this in the text.

• • • This shows that we should listen to important parts of advice so that we can be safe from the virus.

Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows that we should listen to important parts of advice so that we can be safe from the virus.
Start the paragraph with "In conclusion" so this states the end.

Final Edit: We need to keep social distancing so people do not get the virus. According to the text, "Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes." In addition, Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators. In conclusion, this shows that we should listen to important parts of advice so that we can be safe from the virus.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The Burdock tree is the kindest because it let the two ancient snails live under it. According to the text,” Burdock never grows singly; where you find one plant of the kind you may sure that others grow in its immediate neighbor.” This shows how the Burdock tree is the kindest tree in the story.

Edits:

• • • The Burdock tree is the kindest because it let the two ancient snails live under it.

Good first sentence!

• • • According to the text,” Burdock never grows singly; where you find one plant of the kind you may sure that others grow in its immediate neighbor.”

Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Burdock never grows singly; where you find one plant of the kind you may be sure that others grow in its immediate neighbor." This makes them look magnificent.
At the end of this sentence, explain that they look magnificent. Also, make sure the quotations are right before the first word in the sentence.

• • • This shows how the Burdock tree is the kindest tree in the story.

Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the Burdock tree is the kindest tree in the story.
Great use of capitalization for the Burdock tree! Add 'in conclusion' to state that this is the concluding sentence.

Final Edit:

The Burdock tree is the kindest because it let the two ancient snails live under it. According to the text, "Burdock never grows singly; where you find one plant of the kind you may be sure that others grow in its immediate neighbor." This makes them look magnificent. In conclusion, this shows how the Burdock tree is the kindest tree in the story.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The youngest had the best body structure out of all of the six children. According to the text,”They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a rose leaf, her eyes as the blue as the deepest sea ,but she had no feet , and instead of legs she had a fishes tail.” This shows how the youngest child has the best features out of all the children.

Edits:

• • • The youngest had the best body structure out of all of the six children.

Edited for clarity: The youngest child had the est body structure out of all the six children
Good first sentence! Make sure to state that the youngest was a child.

• • • According to the text,”They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft and delicate as a rose leaf, her eyes as the blue as the deepest sea ,but she had no feet , and instead of legs she had a fishes tail.”

Edited for grammar and punctuation: They were six beautiful children; but the youngest was the prettiest of them all; her skin was as clear and delicate as a rose-leaf, and her eyes as blue as the deepest sea; but, like all the others, she had no feet, and her body ended in a fish’s tail.
Make sure you are not putting a space in between the punctuation marks!

• • • This shows how the youngest child has the best features out of all the children.

Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the youngest child has the best features out of all the children.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion' to show that this is the last sentence.

Final Edit: The youngest child had the est body structure out of all the six children. They were six beautiful children; but the youngest was the prettiest of them all; her skin was as clear and delicate as a rose-leaf, and her eyes as blue as the deepest sea; but, like all the others, she had no feet, and her body ended in a fish’s tail. In conclusion, this shows how the youngest child has the best features out of all the children.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The soap suds are used to harm the plants. According to the text,”They persue and destroy us with soap suds.” This shows how the soap suds are used to destroy the plants.

Edits:

The soap suds are used to harm the plants.

• • • Good!

Original: The brain can be in good condition if you sleep good. According to the text,” Now it appears that snoozing for an average 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins.” This shows how it is good for your brain if you sleep.

Edits:

• • • The brain can be in good condition if you sleep good.

Edited for clarity: The brain will be in good, healthy conditions if you sleep well at night.
Changed the wording around a bit to make the first sentence flow better. Remember, always use 'well' instead 'good'

• • • According to the text,” Now it appears that snoozing for an average 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins.”

Edited for punctuation and clarity: According to the text, "Now, it appears that snoozing for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." This means that a great night of sleep can be very helpful for the brain.
Add the end of this quote, put what that sentence means and why you understand it.

• • • This shows how it is good for your brain if you sleep.

Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows how getting a full 8 hours of sleep is great for your brain.
Add 'in conclusion' to the ending sentence.

Final Edit:

The brain will be in good, healthy conditions if you sleep well at night. According to the text, "Now, it appears that snoozing for an average of 8 hours daily enables the brain to cleanse itself and get rid of harmful toxins." This means that a great night of sleep can be very helpful for the brain. In conclusion, this shows how getting a full 8 hours of sleep is great for your brain.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: An online network has been able to let us celebrate Earth Day without leaving our homes. According to the text, “The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don’tHave Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the worlds largest digital climate conference.” This shows how we could still celebrate Earth Day without going outside.

Edits:

• • • An online network has been able to let us celebrate Earth Day without leaving our homes.

Great first sentence! Straight and to the point.

• • • According to the text, “The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don’tHave Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the worlds largest digital climate conference.”

Edited for clarity: According to the text it states, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference."
Good use of quotations. Make sure to put one space after each word.

• • • This shows how we could still celebrate Earth Day without going outside.

In conclusion, this shows how we can still celebrate Earth day without going outside.
Add 'in conclusion' to the last sentence.

Final Edit: An online network has been able to let us celebrate Earth Day without leaving our homes. According to the text it states, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference." In conclusion, this shows how we can still celebrate Earth day without going outside.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The difference of the opinion brought out by the mayor and the governor is that the mayor wants school to be canceled for a year because of the virus however the governor wants to see the results before making up his mind. According to the text, “If school buildings stay closed, about a third of 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children.” This shows how there are differences between both the mayor or governor by the virus.

Edits:

• • • The difference of the opinion brought out by the mayor and the governor is that the mayor wants school to be canceled for a year because of the virus however the governor wants to see the results before making up his mind.

Edited for clarity and grammar: The difference of opinions brought out by the Mayor and Governor is that the Mayor wants schools to be canceled for a year because of the virus, however, the Governor wants to see the results before making up his mind.
Put a comma before and after 'however and Mayor and Governor should be capitalized. Also, the word 'school' needs to be plural.

• • • According to the text, “If school buildings stay closed, about a third of 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children.”

Edited for fluidity: According to the text, "If schools stay closed, about a third of 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children."
Take out the word buildings after school.

• • • This shows how there are differences between both the mayor or governor by the virus.

Edited for grammar and clarity: In conclusion, this shows how there are differences between both the Mayor and Governor by the virus.
Start the last sentence with 'In conclusion' and capitalize Mayor and Governor.

Final Edit: The difference of opinions brought out by the Mayor and Governor is that the Mayor wants schools to be canceled for a year because of the virus, however, the Governor wants to see the results before making up his mind. According to the text, "If schools stay closed, about a third of 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children." In conclusion, this shows how there are differences between both the Mayor and Governor by the virus.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Orginal: Not all people are able to be astronauts because they need to perfect their training. According to the text, “Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut”. In addition, “There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.” This shows how it takes a lot of work and effort be be an astronaut.

Edits:

• • • Not all people are able to be astronauts because they need to perfect their training.

Edited for grammar: Not a lot of people are able to become astronauts because they need to perfect their training.
Instead of 'all people' put 'a lot of people' and 'become' instead of 'be'

• • • According to the text, “Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut”.

Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut."
The period goes before the quotations.

• • • In addition, “There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.”

Edited for punctuation: The text also states that there are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.
No need for quotations, add in 'the text also states'

• • • This shows how it takes a lot of work and effort be be an astronaut.

Edited for grammar: In conclusion, this shows how it takes a lot of work and effort to be an astronaut.
Put 'In conclusion' the begin the last sentence and take out the 'be' and put 'to'

Final Edit: Not a lot of people are able to become astronauts because they need to perfect their training. According to the text, "Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut." The text also states that there are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all. In conclusion, this shows how it takes a lot of work and effort to be an astronaut.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Orginal: What makes the graduation ceremonies different in Japan is that technology is the new trend. According to the text, “Now, in what is being hailed as an “industry first”, Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to “attend “ their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” This shows how both traditions are different in the graduation ceremonies.

Edits:

• • • What makes the graduation ceremonies different in Japan is that technology is the new trend.

Edited for fluidity: Graduation ceremonies are becoming different because of the new trend in technology in Japan.
Switched the sentence around to sound more fluid.

• • • According to the text, “Now, in what is being hailed as an “industry first”, Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to “attend “ their graduation ceremony without leaving home.”

Edited for grammar: According to the text, "Now, I what is being hailed as an 'industry first,' Tokyo University has used avatar robots to enable students to "attend" their graduation ceremony without leaving home."
'university' needs to be capitalized and instead of double quotations around industry first, just put a single quotations mark.

• • • This shows how both traditions are different in the graduation ceremonies.

Edited for grammar: In conclusion, this shows how both traditions are different in graduation ceremonies.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion'

Final Edit: Graduation ceremonies are becoming different because of the new trend in technology in Japan. According to the text, "Now, I what is being hailed as an 'industry first,' Tokyo University has used avatar robots to enable students to "attend" their graduation ceremony without leaving home." In conclusion, this shows how both traditions are different in graduation ceremonies.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: One of the accomplishments that Williams reached was that he managed to help many children from starvation. According to the text, “Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree.” In addition,” He’s expanded his mission too”. This shows how William managed to reach one of his accomplishments.

Edits:

• • • One of the accomplishments that Williams reached was that he managed to help many children from starvation.

Edited for clarity: One accomplishment that William reached was that he managed to help children from starvation.
Instead of 'one of the accomplishments' say 'one accomplishment'

• • • According to the text, “Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree.”

No need to edit this sentence

• • • In addition,” He’s expanded his mission too”. This shows how William managed to reach one of his accomplishments.

Edited for punctuation In addition, he has expanded his mission too which shows how William managed to reach one of his accomplishments.
Take out the quotations and combine these two sentences.

Final Edit: One accomplishment that William reached was that he managed to help children from starvation. According to the text, “Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree.” In addition, he has expanded his mission too which shows how William managed to reach one of his accomplishments.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The boys managed to help the seniors by using their youth wisely to prevent them from getting the virus so they could buy food for other people as well. According to the text, “The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors.” This shows how the two teenagers managed to help the ones in danger - (The elders) from the virus and from starvation.

Edits:

• • • The boys managed to help the seniors by using their youth wisely to prevent them from getting the virus so they could buy food for other people as well.

Good first sentence! No need to edit.

• • • According to the text, “The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors.”

Edited by clarity: According to the text, “The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors.”
Make sure you are only put one space between each word.

• • • This shows how the two teenagers managed to help the ones in danger - (The elders) from the virus and from starvation.

Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the two teenagers managed to help the ones in danger - the elders - from the virus and from starvation.
No need for the parenthesis and start the last sentence with 'In conclusion'

Final Edit: The boys managed to help the seniors by using their youth wisely to prevent them from getting the virus so they could buy food for other people as well. According to the text, “The idea came about when the two teens shopped for their elderly grandparents and then for their neighbors.” In conclusion, this shows how the two teenagers managed to help the ones in danger - the elders - from the virus and from starvation.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The robots are preventing people from getting the virus. According to the text,”Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize their staff’s exposure to COVID-19,”the company writes in a blog post.” This shows how robots are helping people from the Coronavirus.

Edits:

• • • The robots are preventing people from getting the virus.

Edited for clarity: The Boston Dynamics Robots are preventing people from getting the virus.
Explain the type of robots involved in this.

• • • According to the text,”Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize their staff’s exposure to COVID-19,”the company writes in a blog post.”

Edited for clarity: According to the text, "Starting in early March, Boston Dyanimcs started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize their staff's exposure to COVID-19."
Take out 'the company writes in a blog post' because you already stated this sentence was from the text!

• • • This shows how robots are helping people from the Coronavirus.

Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how the Boston Dynamics robots are helping people from Coronavirus.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion'

Final Edit:

The Boston Dynamics Robots are preventing people from getting the virus. According to the text, "Starting in early March, Boston Dyanimcs started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize their staff's exposure to COVID-19." In conclusion, this shows how the Boston Dynamics robots are helping people from Coronavirus.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The Willow tree was calm on the other hand the Buckwheat was stubborn and full of pride. According to the text,” When the Willow tree told them of the haughty pride of the Buckwheat , and the punishment which followed in consequence. This shows how the two characters are different in personality.

Edits:

• • • The Willow tree was calm on the other hand the Buckwheat was stubborn and full of pride.

Edited for clarity: The buckwheat and willow tree differed a lot from each other. The willow tree was calm but on the other hand, the buckwheat was stubborn and full of pride.
Made this into two sentences to show how they differed from each other. Also, willow and buckwheat are lowercased.

• • • According to the text,” When the Willow tree told them of the haughty pride of the Buckwheat , and the punishment which followed in consequence.

Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Then the willow tree told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence."
Make sure the quotations come right before the sentence.

• • • This shows how the two characters are different in personality.

Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows how the two trees have different personalities.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion' and say 'trees' instead of 'characters'

Final Edit:

The buckwheat and willow tree differed a lot from each other. The willow tree was calm but on the other hand, the buckwheat was stubborn and full of pride. According to the text, "Then the willow tree told them of the haughty pride of the buckwheat, and of the punishment which followed in consequence." In conclusion, this shows how the two trees have different personalities.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The way the merchant became rich was from the feather from the swan. According to the text.”A beautiful swan flew over the rolling , tossing waves of the ocean ,every one of its feathers shone like gold; and one feather drifted down to the great merchant vessel that, with sails all set ,was sailing away.” This shows that the swan was the one who made the merchant rich.

Edits:

• • • The way the merchant became rich was from the feather from the swan.

Edited for clarity: The feather from the swam was how the merchant became very rich.
Good first sentence! Changed some wording around to make the first sentence flow better.

• • • According to the text.”A beautiful swan flew over the rolling , tossing waves of the ocean ,every one of its feathers shone like gold; and one feather drifted down to the great merchant vessel that, with sails all set ,was sailing away.”

Edited for grammar and clarity: According to the text, "A beautiful swan flew over the rolling, tossing waves of the ocean. Every one of its feathers shone like gold; and one feather drifted down to the great merchant vessel that, with snails all set, was sailing away."
Make sure to cite every word correctly when forming a sentence.

• • • This shows that the swan was the one who made the merchant rich.

Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows that the swan why the merchant became rich.
Start the last sentence with 'in conclusion' so we know that this is the concluding sentence.

Final Edit:

The feather from the swam was how the merchant became very rich. According to the text, "A beautiful swan flew over the rolling, tossing waves of the ocean. Every one of its feathers shone like gold; and one feather drifted down to the great merchant vessel that, with snails all set, was sailing away." In conclusion, this shows that the swan why the merchant became rich.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: Gerda’s trip is difficult because it was very cold. According to the text,” But Gerda was so pinched by the cold that she could not speak.” This shows that Gerda’s trip was not going to be easy from the harsh cold.

Edits:

Gerda’s trip is difficult because it was very cold.

• • • Edited for fluidity: The cold weather made Gerda's trip difficult.

Good first sentence! Changed the wording around to make it flow better

According to the text,” But Gerda was so pinched by the cold that she could not speak.”

• • • Edited for clarity: According to the text it states, "But Gerda was so pinched with the cold that she could not speak."

This shows that Gerda’s trip was not going to be easy from the harsh cold.

• • • Good sentence! No need to edit.

Add a conclusion sentence

• • • In conclusion, this shows that Gerda had a hard time dealing with the cold weather.

Final Edit:

The cold weather made Gerda's trip difficult. According to the text, "But Gerda was so pinched with the cold that she could not speak." This shows that Gerda’s trip was not going to be easy from the harsh cold. In conclusion, this shows that Gerda had a hard time dealing with the cold weather.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The treasure would be gained for who who would hop the highest. According to the text,”I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump the highest,” said the King; it would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and us to offer no prize.” This shows how to claim the treasure.

Edits:

The treasure would be gained for who who would hop the highest.

• • • Edited for clarity: Whoever jumped the highest would get a great treasure from the King.

Good! Changed the wording around to make the sentence more clear.

According to the text,”I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump the highest,” said the King; it would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and us to offer no prize.”

• • • Edited for fluidity: According to the text, "I will give you great treasure to him who shall jump the highest," said the king. "It would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and us to offer no prize."

Make sure the quotations are in the right place when citing from an article.

This shows how to claim the treasure.

• • • Edited for clarity: In conclusion, this shows how to claim the treasure.

End the last sentence with 'In conclusion' to state this is the last sentence.

Final Edit:

Whoever jumped the highest would get a great treasure from the King. According to the text, "I will give you great treasure to him who shall jump the highest," said the king. "It would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and us to offer no prize." In conclusion, this shows how to claim the treasure.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: The main character is the soldier with one leg. According to the text,”Each was exactly like the rest to a hair, except one who had but one leg.” This shows why he is the main character because the story kept on talking about him.

Edits:

The main character is the soldier with one leg.

• • • Edited for clarity: The solider with one leg in the main character in this story.

Good! Changed the wording a bit to make the sentence flow better.

According to the text,”Each was exactly like the rest to a hair, except one who had but one leg.”

• • • Edited for fluidity: According to the text, "Each was exactly like the rest to a hair, except one who had but one leg."

Make sure to add a space after starting the citation.

This shows why he is the main character because the story kept on talking about him.

• • • Edited for fluidity: In conclusion, this shows why the one-legged solider is the main character.

Start the last sentence with 'In conclusion' so we know this is the concluding sentence. Great job!

Final Edit:

The solider with one leg in the main character in this story. According to the text, "Each was exactly like the rest to a hair, except one who had but one leg." In conclusion, this shows why the one-legged soldier is the main character.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware

Original: It is because to tell the flax that there can be more than happiness in this world. According to the text,”Snip, snap,snuree,Basse, lurre. The song is ended.” This shows why the fern sang the song.

Edits:

It is because to tell the flax that there can be more than happiness in this world.

• • • Edited for fluidity: The flax and fern both say that there can be more happiness in this world.

Changed the wording around to make the sentence flow better

According to the text,”Snip, snap,snuree,Basse, lurre. The song is ended.”

• • • Edited for punctuation: According to the text, "Snip, snap, snuree, Basse, lurre; the song is ended."

Make sure to cite the exact wording

This shows why the fern sang the song.

• • • Good!

Final Edit:

The flax and fern both say that there can be more happiness in this world. According to the text, "Snip, snap, snuree, Basse, lurre; the song is ended." This shows why the fern sang the song.

Edited by Kelsey Eggsware