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Ending childhood hunger | Ending childhood hunger | ||
One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is he ended childhood hunger. In the text it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion. In addition “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made. | One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is he ended childhood hunger. In the text it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion. In addition “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made. | ||
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| + | '''Original Version:''' | ||
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| + | Ending childhood hunger | ||
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| + | One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is he ended childhood hunger. In the text it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion. In addition “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made. | ||
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| + | '''Corrections:''' | ||
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| + | One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is helping to end childhood hunger. | ||
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| + | ***William didn’t end childhood hunger, but he is helping to fight against this. I rephrased the sentence to fix this. | ||
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| + | In the text, it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion.” | ||
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| + | ***After the introductory phrase “in the text,” you need a comma after it. Also, the end of the quote needed a quotation mark. | ||
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| + | In addition, “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds’ worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” | ||
| + | |||
| + | ***You need a comma after the introductory phrase “in addition.” | ||
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| + | This evidence shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made. | ||
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| + | ***I added the word “evidence” to add more specificity. | ||
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| + | Great work! Make sure to proofread your work for punctuation errors. | ||
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| + | '''Final Version:''' | ||
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| + | One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is helping to end childhood hunger. In the text, it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion.” In addition, “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds’ worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This evidence shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made. | ||
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| + | Edited by Hayley Taylor | ||
Revision as of 03:37, 21 April 2020
Thsh's Writing Page 8 Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids
These are two of the games that I seem that might be fun. One of them is the monopoly game board. I recommend this because it shows you how you can earn money and negotiate with people . In the text it states "Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management". Another game that i assume that is fun is the lego kit. This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos". To conclude these are the two activities I think are fun and the best choice for kids.
Original Version:
8 Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids
These are two of the games that I seem that might be fun. One of them is the monopoly game board. I recommend this because it shows you how you can earn money and negotiate with people . In the text it states "Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management". Another game that i assume that is fun is the lego kit. This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos". To conclude these are the two activities I think are fun and the best choice for kids.
Corrections:
There are two games that seem like they might be fun to play indoors.
- Remember to write in 3rd person, which means you can’t use “I.” Also, I replaced “that” with “they” as you are referring to two things. I also took out “these are” to make the sentence flow better.
One game is the monopoly game board. Monopoly is a good game to play as it teaches you how how to earn money and negotiate with people.
- I replaced “them” with “game” to make it more specific. I eliminated the “I” as it needs to be written in the third person. I started the next sentence with “Monopoly is a good game to play” as it more clearly states your point. I also replaced “shows” with “teaches” as the word choice better fits the context of the sentence. Lastly, I eliminated the extra space at the end of the sentence after “people.”
In the text, it states, “Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management.”
- Remember that periods go inside the quotation marks.
Another game that is fun to play is the Lego Kit.
- I deleted the “I” to make the sentence into the third person. I also deleted “assume,” to make the sentence more strongly worded. “Lego Kit” also needs to be capitalized as it is a brand name.
This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition, the text states, "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos."
- After an introductory phrase like “In addition,” it needs a comma after it. Also, remember that periods go inside quotation marks at the end of a sentence.
In conclusion, these two games are the best choices for kids to play inside as they are fun.
- I replaced “to” with “in” and added a comma after “conclusion” to improve the phrasing of the sentence. I eliminated the “I” to make it into 3rd person. Lastly, I rephrased the sentence to improve the flow.
Fully Edited Version:
Affordable and Fun Indoor Games and Activities for Kids
Two games seem like they might be fun to play indoors. One game is the monopoly game board. Monopoly is a good game to play as it teaches you how how to earn money and negotiate with people. In the text, it states, “Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending, and other money management.” Another game that is fun to play is the Lego Kit. This is because kids can practice their building skills and learn how to create new things. They can be creative with all the different pieces. In addition, the text states, "Fine motor skills, creativity, problem solving and cause and effect concepts are just some lessons kids can learn with legos." In conclusion, these two games are the best choices for kids to play inside as they are fun.
Overall, great work! Just remember to write in the third person and put periods inside quotation marks at the end of sentences.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
Olympic Postponed - March 24
The reason the Summer Olympics games will be postponed is because of this virus around called the corona virus. In the text it states "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo , Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic". To conclude this shows the reason why the Sumer Olympic Games will be postponed.
Original Version:
The reason the Summer Olympics Games will be postponed is because of this virus around called the corona virus. In the text it states "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo , Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic". To conclude this shows the reason why the Sumer Olympic Games will be postponed.
Corrections:
The Summer Olympic Games will be postponed because of the coronavirus.
- When following the phrase “Summer Olympics” with “Games,” the word “Olympic” should be singular. I also fixed the spelling of “coronavirus” which should be one word. Lastly, I deleted the words “around called” as it didn’t make sense with the structure of the sentence.
In the text, it states, "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic.”
- “In the text” is an introductory phrase, so it needs a comma after it. The same goes for “it states.” Also, make sure to put periods inside the quote, not outside.
To conclude, the text identifies the reason for the postponement of the Sumer Olympic Games.
- “To conclude” is an introductory phrase, so it needs a comma after it. I also rephrased the sentence to change it from passive to active voice. Active voice can provide more clarity to the reader, as the subject performs the action of the clause.
Final Version:
The Summer Olympic Games will be postponed because of the coronavirus. In the text, it states, "The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan postponed for about a year. This is because of the corona pandemic.” To conclude, the text identifies the reason for the postponement of the Sumer Olympic Games.
Great job! Make sure to proofread your sentences for spelling errors, and to use correct punctuation.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
Thousands apply to become NASA astronauts
Some people apply to become an astronaut but cant be one. This is because they have to face so challenges that they might fail. In the text it states "The number of people who make it to space is quite small. In addition "There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training and, the candidates must successfully complete them. This shows why some people that sign up to be an astronaut sometimes cant be an astronaut.
Original Version:
Some people apply to become an astronaut but cant be one. This is because they have to face so challenges that they might fail. In the text it states "The number of people who make it to space is quite small. In addition "There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training and, the candidates must successfully complete them. This shows why some people that sign up to be an astronaut sometimes cant be an astronaut.
Corrections:
Some people that apply to become an astronaut can't be one.
- You are missing the article “that,” adding this word will help the sentence flow better. Also, an apostrophe is needed in the word “can’t” because it is a contraction.
This is because they have to face so many challenges, making it more likely that they will fail.
- The quantifier in front of “challenges” is missing, so I added the word “many.” I also reworded the last half of the sentence to improve the grammar.
The text states, “The number of people who make it to space is quite small.”
- Remember that quotation marks are needed at the beginning and end of the quote. Also, I edited the introduction to the quote to make it less clunky sounding. Lastly, I added a comma after the introductory clause "the text states" as it was missing.
In addition, "There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training and the candidates must successfully complete them.”
- You need a comma after the introductory clause “in addition.” Also, the quotation mark at the end of the quote was missing.
In conclusion, this evidence shows why some people that sign up to be an astronaut sometimes can’t be an astronaut.
- I added “in conclusion” to help you transition into your conclusion. I also included the word “evidence” to make the “this” you are talking about clearer. Lastly, I added an apostrophe in the word “can’t” as it is a contraction.
Great work! You followed the format very nicely. Just make sure to use correct punctuation in quotes and in contractions.
Final Version:
Some people that apply to become an astronaut can’t be one. This is because they have to face so many challenges, making it more likely that they will fail. The text states, “The number of people who make it to space is quite small.” In addition, “There are many challenging parts to the astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them.” In conclusion, this evidence shows why some people that sign up to be an astronaut sometimes can’t be an astronaut.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
Robots help Japanese students “attend” Graduation Ceremony
The difference between the graduation ceremony in Japan is different than other because in Japan they use robots. In the text it states “a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” In conclusion, this evidence from the text proves why there is a difference between graduation ceremony’s.
Original Version
Robots help Japanese students “attend” Graduation Ceremony The difference between the graduation ceremony in Japan is different than other because in Japan they use robots. In the text it states “a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” In conclusion, this evidence from the text proves why there is a difference between graduation ceremony’s.
Corrections:
The graduation ceremony in Japan is different than others because they use robots.
- You used the word different twice, which is a bit repetitive. I rephrased the sentence to make it more concise.
In the text, it states, “a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.”
- You need a comma after the introductory phrase “in the text” as well as after “it states.”
In conclusion, this evidence from the text proves why there is a difference between graduation ceremonies in Japan and traditional graduation ceremonies.
- The noun “ceremony” shouldn’t be in the possessive form, as it is not possessing anything. I changed it to the plural form. Because you say “there is a difference between…” you need to compare the relationship between two things. You stated the first, which is graduation ceremonies in Japan, but you need to add what it is being compared to. I added “in Japan” to make the first subject clearer and “traditional graduation ceremonies” to complete the comparison.
Great work! Make sure to use commas and check for repetition.
Final Version:
Robots help Japanese students “attend” Graduation Ceremony
The graduation ceremony in Japan is different than others because they use robots. In the text, it states, “a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” In conclusion, this evidence from the text proves why there is a difference between graduation ceremonies in Japan and traditional graduation ceremonies.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
Ending childhood hunger
One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is he ended childhood hunger. In the text it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion. In addition “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made.
Original Version:
Ending childhood hunger
One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is he ended childhood hunger. In the text it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion. In addition “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made.
Corrections:
One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is helping to end childhood hunger.
- William didn’t end childhood hunger, but he is helping to fight against this. I rephrased the sentence to fix this.
In the text, it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion.”
- After the introductory phrase “in the text,” you need a comma after it. Also, the end of the quote needed a quotation mark.
In addition, “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds’ worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.”
- You need a comma after the introductory phrase “in addition.”
This evidence shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made.
- I added the word “evidence” to add more specificity.
Great work! Make sure to proofread your work for punctuation errors.
Final Version:
One of the accomplishments William Winslow made is helping to end childhood hunger. In the text, it states “William persuaded his mother to drive him to a local Food Lion.” In addition, “There he talked to shoppers into buying food -1,400 pounds’ worth- to send home in backpacks during spring break.” This evidence shows one of the accomplishments William Winslow made.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
