The World for Freedom

Revision as of 16:05, 16 April 2020

April 15, 2020

This Japanese ceremony is different from other ceremony's for many reasons. One reason Is the text says "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called". Another reason I the text says "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the corona virus time while other people would cancel the ceremony". In conclusion, the Japanese ceremony is different than other one around the world during corona virus.

Original Version:

This Japanese ceremony is different from other ceremony's for many reasons. One reason Is the text says "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called". Another reason I the text says "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the corona virus time while other people would cancel the ceremony". In conclusion, the Japanese ceremony is different than other one around the world during corona virus.

Corrections:

This Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ceremonies for many reasons.

• • • I added the word “graduation” to specify the type of ceremony you are talking about. Also, the noun “ceremony” should not be in the possessive form.

One reason for this is that "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called."

• • • The introduction to the quote sounded a bit clunky. I rephrased the clause to make it flow better. Also, the period at the end of the quote needs to go inside the quotation mark.

The text also states that "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the coronavirus time while other people would cancel the ceremony."

• • • I reworded the introductory clause before the quote to improve the grammar. Again, I fixed the punctuation at the end of the quote.

In conclusion, the Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ones around the world during the coronavirus.

• • • I again specified what type of ceremony you are talking about, and rephrased the end half of the sentence to improve the grammar. Also, “coronavirus” should be one word.

Great work! Make sure to use correct punctuation, and read your sentence out loud to help you spot grammar errors.

Final Version:

This Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ceremonies for many reasons. One reason for this is that "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called." The text also states that "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the coronavirus time while other people would cancel the ceremony." In conclusion, the Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ones around the world during the coronavirus.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

April 14, 2020

There are many reasons to why all Astronaut trainers are not picked to be a  real astronaut and  be able to go to space. One reason why is there are difficult obstacles that not all the Astronaut trainers can go through. Another reason is there is a limit of how many people can go to space. Therefor, not all  Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and be able to go to space. These are the reasons why not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and go to space.

Original Version:

There are many reasons to why all Astronaut trainers are not picked to be a real astronaut and be able to go to space. One reason why is there are difficult obstacles that not all the Astronaut trainers can go through. Another reason is there is a limit of how many people can go to space. Therefor, not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and be able to go to space. These are the reasons why not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and go to space.

Corrections:

There are many reasons why not all astronaut trainees are picked to go into space.

• • • “To” is an unnecessary preposition in this context, so I deleted it. I also edited the sentence to improve the phrasing. Also, it is not the trainers of astronauts who are picked, it is those being trained, so I think using “astronaut trainees” is more accurate.

One reason why there are many difficult obstacles for astronaut trainees, that not all of them make it through.

• • • I again changed “trainers” to “trainees.” Also, I edited the grammar of the sentence. For example, it should be “there are” not “there is” as the obstacles are plural.

Another reason not all trainees make it is that there’s a limit to how many people can go to space.

• • • I edited the sentence for clarity and to improve the grammar. The preposition should be “to” instead of “of.”

Therefore, not all astronaut trainees are able to be real astronauts.

• • • I corrected the spelling of “therefore.” Also, you don’t need to capitalize the word “astronaut” because it’s not a proper noun. The end of the sentence also sounded repetitive, as you ended the last sentence similarly.

In conclusion, not everyone who trains as an astronaut can go into space due to the difficult obstacles they have to go through and the limited number of people who can be selected.

• • • In your conclusion sentence, restate what the reasons are for the lack of people chosen to be an astronaut. I edited the last sentence to clarify your main points and strengthen your conclusion.

Final Version:

There are many reasons why not all astronaut trainees are picked to go into space. One reason why there are many difficult obstacles for astronaut trainees, that not all of them make it through. Another reason not all trainees make it is that there’s a limit to how many people can go to space. Therefore, not all astronaut trainees are able to be real astronauts. In conclusion, not everyone who trains as an astronaut can go into space due to the difficult obstacles they have to go through and the limited number of people who can be selected.

Great job! Make sure to follow the “RATE” format. Try using quotes to provide evidence for your answers. Also, conclude your main ideas in the last sentence by using phrases like “in conclusion” or “therefore.”

Edited by Hayley Taylor

April 13,2020

The difference between he mayor and the governor is they both have different opinion the mayor wanted the schools to close for the academic year. The governor wanted to still have remote learning. They both had different opinion. They were disagreeing in each others opinion. School Is important to kids and their education.

Original Version:

The difference between the mayor and the governor is they both have different opinion the mayor wanted the schools to close for the academic year. The governor wanted to still have remote learning. They both had different opinion. They were disagreeing in each others opinion. School Is important to kids and their education.

Corrections:

The difference between Mayor Bill de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo is that they both have different opinions. The mayor wants the schools to close for the rest of the academic year.

• • • Great start! I included the names of the two people to clarify to the reader who you are talking about. I also broke up the sentence into two, as I thought they were two separate thoughts. The edited sentence above also contains a few words changed so it is written in the present tense.

The governor disagrees, as students will have to learn remotely.

• • • The article states that the governor does not want kids to learn remotely, as it poses many challenges for students. He would rather the schools stay open. To reflect this, I reworded the sentence slightly.

They both have different opinions.

• • • I changed “had” to “have” as they both currently have different opinions. Also, I deleted the sentence that follows this one, as it sounded repetitive. Before you move onto the conclusion, you should cite evidence by using a quote, in order to back up your statements about their different opinions.

In conclusion, schools and the education of children are important, even during the outbreak of COVID 19.

• • • To follow the “RACE” format, you need to explain the evidence by using phrases like “in conclusion” or “therefore.” I liked the idea of your conclusion, but it didn’t explain how it connects to your evidence. So, I reworded the conclusion to provide the reader with more clarity.

Great work! Remember to back up your answers with evidence, and to conclude your paragraph by explaining your evidence in the last sentence.

Final Version:

The difference between Mayor Bill de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo is that they both have different opinions. The mayor wants the schools to close for the rest of the academic year. The governor disagrees, as students will have to learn remotely. They both have different opinions. In conclusion, schools and the education of children are important, even during the outbreak of COVID 19.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

Source: https://chalkbeat.org/posts/ny/2020/04/11/nyc-school-buildings-to-remain-closed-for-rest-of-year-de-blasio-announces/

The birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text" birds are anxious to breeding grounds to begin mating." Also according to the text "in spring males have on their plumage to attract mates. These are the reasons why the birds are migrating south and my text evidence to prove my details. birds are usually are migrating a lot in my opinion because different birds are moving different directions in different times this is my reasons why birds move south and my opinion on that.

Thx for editing it!

Original Version:

The birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text" birds are anxious to breeding grounds to begin mating." Also according to the text "in spring males have on their plumage to attract mates. These are the reasons why the birds are migrating south and my text evidence to prove my details. birds are usually are migrating a lot in my opinion because different birds are moving different directions in different times this is my reasons why birds move south and my opinion on that.

Corrections:

Birds are migrating south for many reasons.

• • • Good! I just eliminated the definite article "the," as you are not talking about a specific type of bird.

According to the text, "birds are anxious to reach their breeding grounds and begin mating."

• • • Make sure when you use the same words as the text when you are using a direct quote. I added words to complete the quotation. If this was meant to be paraphrased, then exact words are not necessary, but make sure the sentence makes sense if you decide to reword the sentence. Also, make sure to use quotation marks at the beginning and end of the quote.

Also, the text states that "during the spring, the males have on their beautiful plumage to attract mates.”

• • • This sentence was edited for the same reasons as the previous sentence. I also reworded the beginning, as you used “according to” before. Using a different word will give your paragraph more variation.

The evidence shows why the birds are migrating south. Birds are usually migrating a lot because different birds move in different directions and times.

• • • Both of these sentences were a bit repetitive, so I reworded them to improve the grammar and make the conclusion more effective.

Great work! Make sure to integrate quotations correctly, and to use a variety of word choice.

Final Version: Birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text, "birds are anxious to reach their breeding grounds and begin mating." Also, the text states that "during the spring, the males have on their beautiful plumage to attract mates.” The evidence shows why the birds are migrating south. Birds are usually migrating a lot because different birds move in different directions and times.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

Source: https://www.tweentribune.com/article/tween56/get-out-your-binocularsbirds-are-making-their-annual-trek-north/