The World for Freedom

Revision as of 02:07, 15 April 2020

Phwa's Writing Page:

    There are to opposing views in the article.The first opposing view is Mayor De Blasio he says that we should shut down school.According to the story it states that,"New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year Mayor de Blasio announced Saturday".This shows that the Mayor de Blasio spoke up and told the people that we were going to have to shut down schools because his point of view was that because of the COVID19 and since it was getting worse he said preferred to shut down the schools.The second point of view is Cuomo's point of view his point of view was that the schools should not be closed and kids should not do remote learning.For the second evidence the story also states that,"Gov.Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city's more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely for at least through June 26".This shows that Gov.Andrew Cuomo thinks that the Mayor de Blasio was thinking like child and by what he says it shows he doesn't like the idea.Based on this i can conclude that Mayor de Blasio and Gov.Andrew Cuomo doesn't always get along.

Original Version:

There are to opposing views in the article.The first opposing view is Mayor De Blasio he says that we should shut down school.According to the story it states that,"New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year Mayor de Blasio announced Saturday".This shows that the Mayor de Blasio spoke up and told the people that we were going to have to shut down schools because his point of view was that because of the COVID19 and since it was getting worse he said preferred to shut down the schools.The second point of view is Cuomo's point of view his point of view was that the schools should not be closed and kids should not do remote learning.For the second evidence the story also states that,"Gov.Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city's more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely for at least through June 26".This shows that Gov.Andrew Cuomo thinks that the Mayor de Blasio was thinking like child and by what he says it shows he doesn't like the idea.Based on this i can conclude that Mayor de Blasio and Gov.Andrew Cuomo doesn't always get along.

Corrections:

There are two opposing views in the article.

• • • Use the word “two” instead of “to,” as you are using it to signify the number two.

The first opposing view comes from Mayor De Blasio, who says that we should shut down schools.

• • • “Mayor De Blasio” isn’t the first opposing view, but he has an opposing view. I rephrased the sentence to reflect this. I also made school plural, as you are talking about him shutting down multiple school in New York.

According to the story, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that “New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year.”

• • • Using “according to the story” and “the story states that” is a bit redundant. Consider choosing only one of the phrases to introduce the quote. In the edited sentence, I used “according to.” Also, the quote ends after the word “year.” What comes after is an attribution by the journalist, and is not part of the quote. Instead, I moved the explanation of who said the quote to the beginning to the sentence.

This shows that Mayor de Blasio spoke up about shutting down schools due to COVID 19, to prevent the situation from getting worse.

• • • This was a run-on sentence, which could make readers a bit confused. I edited the sentence by shortening and rephrasing it. I also removed the article “the” before the word “mayor,” as it is unnecessary in this context.

The second point of view comes from Cuomo, who thinks that the schools should not be closed as it would force kids to learn remotely.

• • • The way you stated the sentence made it seem like Cuomo “is” the point of view. I edited the sentence so it would be clear that Cuomo has the other point of view. I also added a comma and rephrased the second half of the sentence to make it flow better.

The story also states that “Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city's more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely for at least through June 26.”

• • • The introduction to the quote sounded a bit clunky, so I deleted “for the second evidence,” as it wasn’t necessary to the sentence. Also, remember that periods go inside quotation marks.

This shows that Gov. Andrew Cuomo thinks that Mayor de Blasio's decision to close schools was unwise.

• • • “Thinking like a child” sounds a bit aggressive. I used the word “unwise” instead.

In conclusion, Mayor de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo don’t always agree.

• • • I took out the use of the pronoun “I,” and just used “in conclusion” to keep the sentence in the third person. I also changed “get along” to “agree” as I thought it was a better word choice for the context. You are talking about having different points of views, instead of how they behave with each other.

Great work! You selected evidence that backed up your thinking really well. Some of your sentences were a bit long, consider reading them out loud to see how the sentence flows.

Full Version:

There are two opposing views in the article. The first opposing view comes from Mayor De Blasio, who says that we should shut down schools. According to the story, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that “New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year.” This shows that Mayor de Blasio spoke up about shutting down schools due to COVID 19, to prevent the situation from getting worse. The second point of view comes from Cuomo, who thinks that the schools should not be closed as it would force kids to learn remotely. The story also states that “Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city's more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely for at least through June 26.” This shows that Gov. Andrew Cuomo thinks that Mayor de Blasio's decision to close schools was unwise. In conclusion, Mayor de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo don’t always agree. 

Edited by Hayley Taylor

Source: https://chalkbeat.org/posts/ny/2020/04/11/nyc-school-buildings-to-remain-closed-for-rest-of-year-de-blasio-announces/

    There are two reasons why Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.The first reason is because they are important to the ecosystem.According to the text it states right their that "important to the ecosystem because they are predators to smaller organism and prey for larger creatures ".This shows that since they are both prey and predators they are very important to the ecosystems.The second reason why they are reappearing in Maryland is that they have a habit of being healthy.According to the story it also says that,"they are indicators of a healthy habit".This shows that the Eastern Tiger Salamanders have a healthy habit and if they have healthy habit that helps the Eastern Tiger Salamanders live and stay alive without getting extinct.Based on this information in the text i can conclude that the Eastern Tiger Salamander helps itself not getting extinct by what it does.

Original Version:

There are two reasons why Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.The first reason is because they are important to the ecosystem.According to the text it states right their that "important to the ecosystem because they are predators to smaller organism and prey for larger creatures ".This shows that since they are both prey and predators they are very important to the ecosystems.The second reason why they are reappearing in Maryland is that they have a habit of being healthy.According to the story it also says that,"they are indicators of a healthy habit".This shows that the Eastern Tiger Salamanders have a healthy habit and if they have healthy habit that helps the Eastern Tiger Salamanders live and stay alive without getting extinct.Based on this information in the text i can conclude that the Eastern Tiger Salamander helps itself not getting extinct by what it does.

Corrections:

There are two reasons why Eastern tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.

• • • Good! The only thing I corrected in this sentence was the capitalization of Eastern tiger salamanders. “Eastern” is the only word capitalized.

One reason the tiger salamanders are reappearing is because they have an important role to play in the ecosystem.

• • • I edited this sentence for grammar and clarity. The sentence was a bit muddled, so I rephrased it so the meaning of the sentence came across more clearly. There was also no space before the first word of the sentence, so I added one.

According to the text, "they are predators to smaller organism and prey for larger creatures.”

• • • I added a space before the first word of the sentence, as you need one proceeding a period. The phrase before the quotation is an introductory one, so I added a comma after it. When you are including a quote, remember that it has to grammatically make sense as a sentence. If you say “According to the text important to…” it doesn’t sound right. The clause and the quote need to work together. To do this, I deleted “important to the ecosystem because,” so the clause and the quotation flows together better. Also, make sure that the period goes inside the quotation mark.

This quote shows that salamanders are both prey and predators, which is why they are very important to the ecosystems.

• • • “This shows that since they are…” isn’t specific. I added “quote” and defined they as “salamanders” to provide more clarity. The sentence also felt like it had two connected but different thoughts, so I separated both clauses with a comma.

The second reason why tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is that they have a habit of being healthy.

• • • You need to define what “they” is on its first use in the sentence. I added “tiger salamanders” so when you use "they" later in the sentence, the reader knows what you are referring to.

The article also states, “since they partially breathe through their skin and require wetlands to breed, lay eggs and develop in their larval stages, they are indicators of a healthy habit.”

• • • I replaced “story” with “article” as I felt it was a better choice of words. I also changed the phrasing, as you used “according to” previously. The part of the quotation that you used doesn’t make much sense when it’s taken out of its context. So, I added the full quotation.

This shows that the Eastern tiger salamanders have healthy habits, which helps them stay alive without getting extinct.

• • • You repeated “they have a healthy habit twice,” so I deleted it the second time it was used and edited the phrasing of the sentence for grammar purposes.

Based on the information in the text, the conclusion is that that the Eastern tiger salamander’s lifestyle prevents them from becoming extinct.

• • • Try to avoid using “I” and write in the third person, as it helps you’re writing seem more professional. I also changed the phrasing of the sentence, as you used similar phrasing previously.

Final Version: There are two reasons why Eastern tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland. One reason the tiger salamanders are reappearing is because they have an important role to play in the ecosystem. According to the text, “they are predators to smaller organism and prey for larger creatures.” This quote shows that salamanders are both prey and predators, which is why they are very important to the ecosystems. The second reason why tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is that they have a habit of being healthy. The article also states, “since they partially breathe through their skin and require wetlands to breed, lay eggs and develop in their larval stages, they are indicators of a healthy habit.” This shows that the Eastern tiger salamanders have healthy habits, which helps them stay alive without getting extinct. Based on the information in the text, the conclusion is that that the Eastern tiger salamander’s lifestyle prevents them from becoming extinct.

Overall great work! Your evidence backed up your points very well. Just remember to try and use a variety of words when possible, so the sentences don’t sound too similar.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

     Super moons are different then the regular moon that we see.This is because super moons are more bigger .According to the story it states that,"Super moons are usually seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon".This shows that the super moon is more bigger than both average of the full moon and the regular moon we see every night.Super moon is also named after flower.According to the text it states that, "Aprils full moon gets its name from pink wildflowers called phlox".This shows that Aprils full moon flower was phlox and that the name is similar to the flower's name.Based on this i can conclude that the Super moon is not the same as a regular moon that we see every night.

Original Version:

Super moons are different then the regular moon that we see.This is because super moons are more bigger .According to the story it states that,"Super moons are usually seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon".This shows that the super moon is more bigger than both average of the full moon and the regular moon we see every night.Super moon is also named after flower.According to the text it states that, "Aprils full moon gets its name from pink wildflowers called phlox".This shows that Aprils full moon flower was phlox and that the name is similar to the flower's name.Based on this i can conclude that the Super moon is not the same as a regular moon that we see every night.

Corrections:

Super moons are different than the regular moon that we see. This is because super moons are bigger.

• • • Use “than” as you are comparing things, “then” us used to discuss time. ”More bigger” is a double comparative, so I deleted the “more” to make it less repetitive. I also removed the extra space before the period at the end of the second sentence as it is not needed.

According to the text, “Super moons are usually seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon.”

• • • There needs to be a space after a comma and before the next word. Also, periods go inside quotation marks.

This shows that the super moon is bigger than both average of the full moon and the regular moon we see every night.

• • • There needs to be a space after the period at the beginning of a sentence. Also, I deleted the “more” before “bigger” to prevent repetition.

The super moon is also named after a flower.

• • • Super moon needs the determiner “the.” The noun phrase “flower” is also mussing a determiner before it.

The text also states, "Aprils full moon gets its name from pink wildflowers called phlox."

• • • Add a space between the period and the first word of a sentence. You also used “according to” before, so consider using another phrase to make the paragraph less repetitive. Also, make sure to put a period inside the quotation mark at the end of the sentence.

The text proves that April’s full moon resembles the phlox flower that it was named after.

• • • I changed the phrasing of this sentence to correct the grammar. I also added a space after the period and before the first word of the sentence. The month of April needs to be in the possessive form, as it is possessing the moonflower.

Final Version:

Super moons are different than the regular moon that we see. This is because super moons are bigger. According to the text, “Super moons are usually seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon.” This shows that the super moon is bigger than both average of the full moon and the regular moon we see every night. The super moon is also named after a flower. The text also states, "Aprils full moon gets its name from pink wildflowers called phlox." The text proves that April’s full moon resembles the phlox flower that it was named after.

Great work!

Edited by Hayley Taylor

Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2020/4/1/aprils-super-pink-moon-will-be-this-years-biggest-and-brightest-full-moon

       There are positive and negative effects about social distancing.The positive effects about social distancing is that you stop the increasing amount of people having the corona virus.It states,  "the positive effects is  "to limit the corona virus" health experts say to "practice social distancing".This shows how practicing social distancing can be positive and protect us from being close to each one another,so the corona virus doesn't spread to other people.But the negative part of practicing social distancing is that people will have a hard time staying distant from close family members and friends,it can not only effect the adults, but the kids too because kids have friends that they will miss.Another statement from the text is "learning from home instead of school" and "canceling playdates and sports events".Based on this i can conclude that social distancing has a negative and positive effects.

Original version: There are positive and negative effects about social distancing.The positive effects about social distancing is that you stop the increasing amount of people having the corona virus.It states, "the positive effects is "to limit the corona virus" health experts say to "practice social distancing".This shows how practicing social distancing can be positive and protect us from being close to each one another,so the corona virus doesn't spread to other people.But the negative part of practicing social distancing is that people will have a hard time staying distant from close family members and friends,it can not only effect the adults, but the kids too because kids have friends that they will miss.Another statement from the text is "learning from home instead of school" and "canceling playdates and sports events".Based on this i can conclude that social distancing has a negative and positive effects.

Corrections:

There are positive and negatives effects of social distancing.

• • • I removed the extra space before “there.” I also replaced “about” with “of” as it is a more correct preposition to use in this sentence.

One positive effect of social distancing is the prevention of increasing the number of people having the coronavirus.

• • • I changed the phrasing of the sentence for grammar. I also added a space after the period at the beginning of the sentence. I changed words in the sentence to improve the word choice. Coronavirus is one word. I replaced “amount” with “number” as “people” is a countable noun that needs a countable quantifier.

The text states that “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing to limit the spread of the coronavirus.”

• • I added the full quotation in the edited sentence, as yours was broken up which made the quote incomplete.

This quote shows how practicing social distancing can be a positive thing and protect us from being close to each one another, so the coronavirus doesn't spread to other people.

• • • I removed the extra space added at the beginning of the sentence. I added the word quote after “this” to make what you are referring to more specific to the reader, as well as added “thing” after “positive” to improve the grammar of the sentence. I also added a space after the comma as it is needed. Coronavirus should also be one word.

But the negative part of practicing social distancing is that people will have a hard time staying distant from close family members and friends. It not only affects the adults but kids too because kids have friends that they will miss.

• • • I split up the sentence into two to correct the grammar. It should be “affect” instead of “effect,” as you are speaking of the coronavirus impacting something instead of being the result. I also rephrased the beginning of the second sentence to make it grammatically correct.

The text also states that "learning from home instead of school" and "canceling playdates and sports events” will be difficult. In conclusion, social distancing has negative and positive effects.

• • • I added “will be difficult” at the end of the sentence to make it complete. I deleted “I” to make the sentence into the third person. I also eliminated “a” because you are speaking about multiple things and not just one.

Final Version:

There are positive and negatives effects of social distancing. One positive effect of social distancing is the prevention of increasing the number of people having the coronavirus. The text states that “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing to limit the spread of the coronavirus.” This quote shows how practicing social distancing can be a positive thing and protect us from being close to each one another, so the coronavirus doesn't spread to other people. But the negative part of practicing social distancing is that people will have a hard time staying distant from close family members and friends. It not only affects the adults but kids too because kids have friends that they will miss. The text also states that "learning from home instead of school" and "canceling playdates and sports events” will be difficult. In conclusion, social distancing has negative and positive effects.

Overall, great work! Just remember to write in the third person and to make sure the spacing before and after periods is correct.

Edited by Hayley Taylor