The World for Freedom

Revision as of 21:04, 7 April 2020

Nalh's Writing!!

The mainidea of the story is that animals are coming out because of the Coronavirus.One detail is that” The first animals to take advantage of human absence were Annie and Edward”so this means animals are coming out by taking advantage of Humans.

Jk rolling helps kids by first, he makes story books to keep them entertained during the Coronavirus.Another reason is that he made a book called “Harry Potter at home”and a.s because he help them stay educated wile they are at home because of the Coronavirus!!

Seriously Nalh, you have to start making titles!
Staying Home with Harry Potter

Jk rolling helps kids by first, he makes story books to keep them entertained during the Coronavirus.
A few things here: first, you still need a more introductory sentence. The author's name is also typed "J.K. Rowling", not "Jk rolling"; the "J.K." part are the initials of her first and middle name, so they need to be capitalized. The first letter of her last name needs to be capitalized too since it's a proper noun, and make sure you're spelling it correctly. Also, J.K. Rowling is a woman, not a man, so make sure you're saying "she" and not "he". The article also said that she made a website hub for kids during the quarantine and she released the first book in her series for free download, but she has not written any actual books for this time. Make sure you're paying attention to details in what you're reading.
J.K. Rowling, the author of the "Harry Potter" series, has made a new website to keep kids entertained during the Coronavirus quarantine.

Another reason is that he made a book called “Harry Potter at home”and a.s because he help them stay educated wile they are at home because of the Coronavirus!!
Again, she has not written any new books, "Harry Potter at Home" is a website that has articles, videos, and puzzles on it as well as the first book in her series. Watch your spelling as well ("while" not "wile" and "also" not "a.s"). I rewrote this sentence entirely to explain the website instead.
The website is called "Harry Potter at Home" and has articles, videos, and puzzles for kids.

Remember to add your source!
http://theworldforfreedom.com/Writing_Topic

Staying Home with Harry Potter J.K. Rowling, the author of the "Harry Potter" series, has made a new website to keep kids entertained during the Coronavirus quarantine. The website is called "Harry Potter at Home" and has articles, videos, and puzzles for kids. http://theworldforfreedom.com/Writing_Topic

I really feel like you're not reading any of the edits or suggestions I'm making for you - these are important because they can help you become a better writer and student! Like I said in the edits, you need to watch for details in the readings; sometimes, reading out loud can help you notice things easier. Make sure you're adding a space between the period at the end of a sentence and the beginning of a new sentence. Watch for spelling mistakes as well and be sure to capitalize proper nouns. Also, remember to add your source! This paragraph you wrote was really short, but I didn't think I should write the rest of it for you. I know you can do better. You've got this! Edited by Lainey Morris

The reason the 2020 summer Olympic Games will be postponed in Japan is because one detail is that the Games are postponed because of the Coronavirus.If u do go then u will get the coronavirus, if u get the Coronavirus u will get sick and then u might DIE!! Also because the Coronavirus is striding everywhere!!

I added a title again for you - make sure you're coming up with titles!
2020 Summer Olympic Games: Postponed The reason the 2020 summer Olympic Games will be postponed in Japan is because one detail is that the Games are postponed because of the Coronavirus.
This first sentence has a lot going on that can make the reader get lost. To fix this, I broke the sentence up. I also added some more introduction at the beginning and I capitalized "Summer" since that is part of the title.
This year, the 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Japan will be postponed. The Games have been postponed due to the Coronavirus outbreak that has spread around the world.

If u do go then u will get the coronavirus, if u get the Coronavirus u will get sick and then u might DIE!!
Whenever you're writing a paragraph for school or another assignment, you should be writing out the word "you" instead of just using the letter "u" like you might when you're messaging your friends. In this sentence, you should explain why it's possible for people to get sick and why they might die. I also edited this sentence for word choice and capitalization (Coronavirus).
The virus is very contagious and it's easy to catch in big crowds, like at the Olympics. The Coronavirus is very serious and may cause death for some people.

Also because the Coronavirus is striding everywhere!!
Since we've already mentioned how Coronavirus is spreading across the world, add a different detail about why postponing the Games may help to explain a little more why they were postponed.
The Games being postponed was an effort to enforce social distancing to try to contain the virus.

I also added a concluding sentence since you did not.
Many people around the world are sad that the Games are postponed, but it is a good way to keep people healthy and safe.

2020 Summer Olympic Games: Postponed This year, the 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Japan will be postponed. The Games have been postponed due to the Coronavirus outbreak that has spread around the world. The virus is very contagious and it's easy to catch in big crowds, like at the Olympics. The Coronavirus is very serious and may cause death for some people. The Games being postponed was an effort to enforce social distancing to try to contain the virus. Many people around the world are sad that the Games are postponed, but it is a good way to keep people healthy and safe.

Nalh, this paragraph had enthusiasm like the last one did, but it didn't have as much information. Make sure you're including a good amount of details to help your reader out, and be sure to include a title and a conclusion sentence. Also remember to write out the word "you" instead of "u" when you're writing something for school. Keep trying your best, you can do it! Edited by Lainey Morris

Two activities that I think that seems most fun is the indoor basket ball and Lego.indoor basket ball is fun because it is my favorite sports to play.Its my favorite sports because it keeps me active when I am bored. Lego is also my favorite because I didn’t know how to build anything with Lego before but now I do so it’s my favorite now.MOST of the things that I like about this is that we can build anything We imagine to build!!

Two Activities for Fun Indoors
I added a title again since you didn't have one.

Two activities that I think that seems most fun is the indoor basket ball and Lego.
This is a good sentence to introduce us to your two activities; however, you still need some more introduction. Also, note that "basketball" is one word. Since you mention two activities instead of one, you should put "that seem the most fun are" instead of "that seems the most fun is".
Being stuck indoors isn't fun, but here are two activities that I think seem really fun!

indoor basket ball is fun because it is my favorite sports to play.
Since "indoor" is the first word of this sentence, make sure it's capitalized. "Basketball" is a single noun, so it's only one sport, not "sports". This is a good sentence that explains why you like indoor basketball, but you need to introduce it to use first.
The first one is indoor basketball.

Its my favorite sports because it keeps me active when I am bored.
The word "its" is possessive, but in this case, you should use "it's", which means "it is". So, you would say "it is my favorite sport". I also edited this sentence to give it a better flow.
I like this activity because it is my favorite sport and it keeps me active when I am bored.

Lego is also my favorite because I didn’t know how to build anything with Lego before but now I do so it’s my favorite now.
This sentence really shows me how much you like Legos and does a good job of telling me why! You just need to make things a little more broken up so they don't get jumbled. Instead, introduce Legos first and then go into why you like them in two separate sentences.
The second activity is building with Legos. I also like Legos a lot because it has helped me learn how to build things.

MOST of the things that I like about this is that we can build anything We imagine to build!!
This is another good sentence that makes the reader get excited about Legos, but I edited it for wording.
I really like how I can build things I imagine with Legos.

You didn't have a concluding sentence, so I added one. Make sure you remember a conclusion next time!
Staying inside a lot can be a lot more fun with these two activities.

Two Activities for Fun Indoors Being stuck indoors isn't fun, but here are two activities that I think seem really fun! The first one is indoor basketball. I like this activity because it is my favorite sport and it keeps me active when I am bored. The second activity is building with Legos. I also like Legos a lot because it has helped me learn how to build things. I really like how I can build things I imagine with Legos. Staying inside a lot can be a lot more fun with these two activities.

This paragraph was great! I loved your enthusiasm, I could really tell how much you enjoy indoor basketball and Legos. It's important to still make sure that you are separating your sentences so that they aren't touching after the period (so "I like basketball. I also like Legos." instead of something like "I like basketball.I also like Legos."). Also make sure that you add a title next time and are also putting conclusion sentences, and watch your capitalization (the first word in a sentence should be capitalized and improper nouns like "we" in the middle of a sentence should be lowercase). This paragraph was an improvement from the last one, I loved how much you were into this topic. Keep up the great work! Edited by Lainey Morris

I added a title since you didn't have one; COVID-19: The Facts The Coronavirus is just like the flu. - The article says that Coronavirus is *sort of* like the flu, not just like it. I edited this sentence for wording and to explain how COVID-19 is similar to the flu; The Coronavirus, also known as COVID-19, is a contagious virus that is similar to the flu. Like the flu, COVID-19 causes respiratory illness and affects the nose, throat, and lungs.

The Coronavirus is a virus that is also known as COVID-19. - I combined this sentence with the first sentence above.

It was found in China,and then it got spread in China. - I edited this sentence for word repetition ("China" twice in the same sentence sounds choppy), flow, and specificity; The virus was first found in Wuhan, China, and then spread around the rest of the country.

Then it spread through other contries. - Edited for spelling and flow; The virus made its way through other countries soon after.

Only the USA didn’t have the virus because people was traveling with the sickness. - Edited for word choice and clarity; The virus was eventually spread to the U.S. by people who were traveling into the country with the sickness.

Parents can be teachers when students are home because of the Coronavirus by 1st detail is that, our moms or dads can teach us something new like we do in school. - I added before this sentence a sentence explaining why students are home. I then edited the sentence for wordiness. I also took out "1st detail" because you don't need that in your actual work (only to help you identify your details before you submit); Because of the outbreak, schools have been shut down. While students are home, parents can be teachers and teach their kids something new, as well as allow them to study and assist with homework if they need any help.

2nd detail is that they can let us study and help us if we need help, like our teachers do. - Edited this sentence to take out "2nd detail" and for wordiness. I also combined it with the previous sentence.

COVID-19: The Facts The Coronavirus, also known as COVID-19, is a contagious virus that is similar to the flu. Like the flu, COVID-19 causes respiratory illness and affects the nose, throat, and lungs. The virus was first found in Wuhan, China, and then spread around the rest of the country. The virus made its way through other countries soon after. The virus was eventually spread to the U.S. by people who were traveling into the country with the sickness. Because of the outbreak, schools have been shut down. While students are at home, parents can be teachers and teach their kids something new, as well as allow them to study and assist them with homework if they need any help.

Make sure you check for spelling in your drafts and give explanations for details you add - the more you elaborate, the more sentences you'll have! Also remember to add a title! Good work! Edited by Lainey Morris