| Line 1: | Line 1: | ||
| − | '''Make sure you keep your original work and my edits on here as well. You're doing great work! - Marissa (Editor)''' | + | '''IMPORTANT: Make sure you keep your original work and my edits on here as well. You're doing great work! Also, remember to post newest articles at the very top. - Marissa (Editor)''' |
----- | ----- | ||
Revision as of 19:37, 11 February 2020
IMPORTANT: Make sure you keep your original work and my edits on here as well. You're doing great work! Also, remember to post newest articles at the very top. - Marissa (Editor)
Original Article: Tom Yendell was an artist that was born without any arms so he painted with his feet. Scientists studied Yendell’s skills and came up with the conclusion that he was more creative than artists that paint with their hands. Each toe stimulated a different nerve in his brain whenever he painted and that was why his brain pattern was more unique than others. People who paint with their feet are found to be more smarter. 2/7/9 https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/artists-who-paint-with-their-feet-have-unique-brain-patterns-180974064/
Detailed Edits:
- Missing title as well as one more supporting sentence and a conclusion sentence***
Tom Yendell was an artist that was born without any arms so he painted with his feet.
- Good start! Let's change the first "was" to "is" since Tom is still living. We can also separate this into two sentences since you are short two sentences of meeting GTK's sentence count; Tom Yendell is a well-known artist who was born without any arms. Despite not having any arms, Tom creates beautiful artwork using his feet.
Scientists studied Yendell’s skills and came up with the conclusion that he was more creative than artists that paint with their hands.
- Reworded for fluidity and conciseness. Also, note that the article doesn't say that Yendell is any more creative than those who paint with their hands, but that he has a different sensory map within his brain. This is an important distinction as we don't want to deliver any misleading facts to readers; After studying Yendell's artistic skills, scientists reached the conclusion that artists who paint with their hands have different sensory maps within their brain than artists who paint with their feet.
Each toe stimulated a different nerve in his brain whenever he painted and that was why his brain pattern was more unique than others.
- Reworded for conciseness and fluidity. Lets also divide this into two sentences to meet GTK's sentence count; In one study, researchers found that each toe stimulated a different nerve is Yendell's brain while he painted. It is because of this that Yendell and others who paint with their feet has such a unique brain pattern.
People who paint with their feet are found to be more smarter.
- Once again, be sure to read and reread your article as this fact is not stated and we would not want to mislead any readers; Contributions from people like Tom can help scientists better understand the brain, and potentially use this information to create new technology for other people missing limbs, as well.
Complete Article:
The Brain Patterns of One Unique Artist
Tom Yendell is a well-known artist who was born without any arms. Despite not having any arms, Tom creates beautiful artwork using his feet. After studying Yendell's artistic skills, scientists reached the conclusion that artists who paint with their hands have different sensory maps within their brain than artists who paint with their feet. In one study, researchers found that each toe stimulated a different nerve is Yendell's brain while he painted. It is because of this that Yendell and others who paint with their feet has such a unique brain pattern. Contributions from people like Tom can help scientists better understand the brain, and potentially use this information to create new technology for other people missing limbs, as well.
2/7/9 https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/artists-who-paint-with-their-feet-have-unique-brain-patterns-180974064/
Original Article:
Successful inventor, Nikola Tesla had a very interesting life. From being dirt poor, to becoming one of the richest men in his time, he showed a great change. With the help of his inventions, Tesla thrived with famous people like Thomas Edison to help him with his projects. Tesla experienced some hardships in his life though like when his laboratory burned down along with his notes. Despite the obstacle, Nikola Tesla rose and didn't give up. His major invention was the tesla car company.
1/31/20
https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/extraordinary-life-nikola-tesla-180967758/
Detailed Edits:
- Needs a title!
Successful inventor, Nikola Tesla had a very interesting life.
- Good job with your opening hook. You can take out the comma here since the description "Successful inventor" pairs with the noun "Nikola Tesla" as a unit. I also changed "had" to "led" as "led" is a more common usage in this context; Successful inventor Nikola Tesla led a very interesting life.
From being dirt poor, to becoming one of the richest men in his time, he showed a great change.
- Nice inclusion of this powerful fact. We can take out the comma after poor, and also change "in his time" to "of his time," which is more grammatically correct. We can also spice up those last four words a bit by saying "Tesla made an inspiring transition." ; From being dirt poor to becoming one of the richest men of his time, Tesla made an inspiring transition.
With the help of his inventions, Tesla thrived with famous people like Thomas Edison to help him with his projects.
- Reworded for clarity. By following "with the help of his inventions," with "Tesla," this leads the reader to think you're talking about Tesla's inventions, but I understand that you mean Edison's. ; With the help and inventions of famous people like Thomas Edison, Tesla and his projects thrived.
Tesla experienced some hardships in his life though like when his laboratory burned down along with his notes.
- This is an awesome fact to include. Let's chance "though" to "as well" and "like when" to "such as the time." We can also say "all of his notes," to express just how significant a loss this was; Tesla experienced some hardships in his life, as well, such as the time his laboratory burned down along with all of his notes.
Despite the obstacle, Nikola Tesla rose and didn't give up.
- Change "the" to "this" since we're referencing a specific event. I am also switching around a bit of the wording towards the end of the sentence to be a bit more logical. (First, he didn't give up, then he rose.) ; Despite this obstacle, Nikola Tesla persevered and eventually rose to fame.
His major invention was the tesla car company.
- Just adding in a few more words here to sound a bit more conclusive. Remember, always finish strong! :) ; With the major creation of the Tesla Car Company, Tesla made history.
Complete Article:
Successful inventor Nikola Tesla led a very interesting life. From being dirt poor to becoming one of the richest men of his time, Tesla made an inspiring transition. With the help and inventions of famous people like Thomas Edison, Tesla and his projects thrived. Tesla experienced some hardships in his life, as well, such as the time his laboratory burned down along with all of his notes. Despite this obstacle, Nikola Tesla persevered and eventually rose to fame. With the major creation of the Tesla Car Company, Tesla made history. 1/31/20 https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/extraordinary-life-nikola-tesla-180967758/
Original Article:
Bubba smith was a football star and famous actor that had died in 2011 because of repeated head trauma. Not only that, he had C.T.E. (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) a disease of the brain with constant brain trauma. For example, you can get repetitive concussions from this. Smith is one of the many N.F.L. players who has/had C.T.E. C.T.E. is a disease that has some unknown details scientists can’t figure out yet. Bubba Smith’s concussions were grave enough to kill him. Football is a very dangerous sport.
Detailed Edits:
Bubba Smith was a football star and famous actor that had died in 2011 because of repeated head trauma.
- Let's take out "was" and "that" and add some commas to make this sound like less of a run-on sentence. I would also change "because" to "due to" because it sounds a little more sophisticated. I added the bit about other health complications to your topic sentence, as you go into quite a bit of detail about C.T.E. in your following sentences. Great start! Make sure you add a title always; Bubba Smith, a football star and famous actor, died in 2001 due to repeated head trauma and other health complications.
Not only that, he had C.T.E. (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) a disease of the brain with constant brain trauma.
- Let's combine this sentence with the next one to ensure that your sentence count follows GoodToKnow's format; In addition to head trauma, Smith also suffered from C.T.E., chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a brain disease that can cause repetitive concussions.
For example, you can get repetitive concussions from this.
- We can take out this sentence since we combined it with the last one.
Smith is one of the many N.F.L. players who has/had C.T.E.
- NFL doesn't need periods here, so we can take those out. I would also suggest saying "just one of many" to suggest that this is a problem that affects many individuals. We can also say "have suffered from" to minimize the indecisiveness that surrounds the phrasing "has/had"; Smith was just one of the many NFL players who have suffered from C.T.E.
C.T.E. is a disease that has some unknown details scientists can’t figure out yet.
- Reworded for fluidity; We have very few details about C.T.E. as scientists still have much research to conduct on it.
Bubba Smith’s concussions were grave enough to kill him.
- Lets add a transition at the beginning of this sentence to make it flow a bit more smoothly; We do know, however, that Bubba Smith’s concussions were grave enough to kill him.
Football is a very dangerous sport.
- I would include a bit to your last sentence just to sum up all of the details you mentioned in your supporting sentences and make it a bit more relevant to the article as a whole. Great job on the clarity and inclusion of facts within your article; Football is a very dangerous sport, especially when combined with preexisting conditions such as C.T.E.
Complete Article:
The Concussions of Late Football Star Bubba Smith
Bubba Smith, a football star and famous actor, died in 2001 due to repeated head trauma and other health complications. In addition to head trauma, Smith also suffered from C.T.E., chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a brain disease that can cause repetitive concussions. Smith was just one of the many NFL players who have suffered from C.T.E. We have very few details about C.T.E. as scientists still have much research to conduct on it. We do know, however, that Bubba Smith’s concussions were grave enough to kill him. Football is a very dangerous sport, especially when combined with preexisting conditions such as C.T.E.
Original Article:
New Person of The Year For 2019
Climate activist, Greta Thunberg, has won Time’s person of the year of 2019. Only 16 years old, she has gotten many awards before and is popular for her motivational speeches. Greta Thunberg has inspired many people of all ages and is very proud of her work. She takes a lot of action about climate change by spreading awareness to her audience. She makes her speeches and talks inspirational and with emotion to move the listener. Greta Thunberg travels worldwide and uses her time to let people know and share her ideas. 1/3/20 https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/11/business/media/time-person-of-the-year-greta-thunberg.html?searchResultPosition=1
Detailed Edits:
Climate activist, Greta Thunberg, has won Time’s person of the year of 2019.
- Great start. You can remove the commas in this sentence because the description “climate activist” pairs with the noun “Greta Thunberg as a unit. I would also capitalize all letters in TIME as this is how it is always printed on their site and in paper publications. Let’s also capitalize Person and Year as “Person of the Year” is an official title; Climate activist Greta Thunberg has won TIME’s Person of the Year of 2019.
Only 16 years old, she has gotten many awards before and is popular for her motivational speeches.
- “At just sixteen years old…” would sound a bit less awkward. Also, I recommend always spelling out your numbers in your written work unless the number is ridiculously large. I’m also rewording slightly for fluidity so take a look at how these changes make the phrasing seem less “clunky;" At just sixteen years old, Greta has already received many awards and has gained popularity for her motivational speeches.
Greta Thunberg has inspired many people of all ages and is very proud of her work.
- We can now say “she” since we’ve said “Greta” in the last sentence. It’s nice to alternate between pronouns and the name of the individual and can sound redundant if we keep referring to them formally by first and last name. We can also elaborate a bit more here on the word “work” to give the reader a better idea of what she is all about; Greta has inspired people of all ages and is very proud of the efforts she has made to protect the environment.
She takes a lot of action about climate change by spreading awareness to her audience.
- Reworded for fluidity and elaboration; She takes action by organizing peaceful protests to spread awareness about climate change.
She makes her speeches and talks inspirational and with emotion to move the listener.
- Let’s add a transition here so that we are not starting two sentences in a row with “She.” I have also reworded a bit for fluidity. Note that “talks inspiration” is technically grammatically incorrect, and you should get into the habit of following a verb such as “talks” with an adverb, such as “inspirationally.” That “ly” on the end makes a big difference! In her speeches, she talks inspirationally and appeals to emotion to move the listener.
Greta Thunberg travels worldwide and uses her time to let people know and share her ideas.
- I would suggest referring to her as “Ms. Thunberg” here to change things up, or simply calling her Greta. As I mentioned before, we already introduced her formally in the opening sentence, so now we can stick to “Greta” or “She” to sound more natural. I have also reworded this slightly for fluidity and incorporated the phrase “continues to” so that in your conclusion, it gives the notion that Greta, Person of the Year, will continue to do great things. See my rewording at the end of the sentence for a more impactful ending. Always end strong! Great work 😊 Greta continues to travel worldwide, using her time to share her passion and ideas with people from every corner of the globe.
Completely Edited Article:
New Person of The Year For 2019
Climate activist Greta Thunberg has won TIME’s Person of the Year of 2019. At just sixteen years old, Greta has already received many awards and has gained popularity for her motivational speeches. Greta has inspired people of all ages and is very proud of the efforts she has made to protect the environment. She takes action by organizing peaceful protests to spread awareness about climate change. In her speeches, she talks inspirationally and appeals to emotion to move the listener. Greta continues to travel worldwide, using her time to share her passion and ideas with people from every corner of the globe. 1/3/20 https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/11/business/media/time-person-of-the-year-greta-thunberg.html?searchResultPosition=1
Link to this article is broken/no longer available.
A Struggling Relationship.
The US military and Iraq are currently in an aggressive relationship. After the US sent an attack drone and killed Iranian General, Qassem Soleimani, Iraq immediately took that as a threat and wanted to battle. Iraq officials, however, called the US strike that killed the important figure, an unacceptable breach of Iraqi sovereignty. Both forces have been sending violent weapons to each others country and harms people in their too. Iraq and the United States have not settled down yet. 1/14/20 https://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2020/01/15/us/politics/ap-us-united-states-iraq.html?searchResultPosition=7
Marine sea animals are very interesting and have many wonders. For example, there are over 500 different species of sharks. Sharks also help out their ecosystem by keeping a balance with the other creatures. Something else unique about sharks is that their skeletons are made of cartilage. Sharks also have razor sharp teeth that helps them catch their prey. Therefore, sharks are very cool animals.
1/25/20 https://ocean.si.edu/ocean-life/sharks-rays/sharks
