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| + | The US military and Iraq are currently in an aggressive relationship. After the US sent an attack drone and killed Iranian General, Qassem Soleimani, Iraq immediately took that as a threat and wanted to battle. Iraq officials, however, called the US strike that killed the important figure, an unacceptable breach of Iraqi sovereignty. Both forces have been sending violent weapons to each others country and harms people in their too. Iraq and the United States have not settled down yet. | ||
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Revision as of 22:06, 6 February 2020
Make sure you keep your original work and my edits on here as well. You're doing great work! - Marissa (Editor)
Original Article:
Bubba smith was a football star and famous actor that had died in 2011 because of repeated head trauma. Not only that, he had C.T.E. (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) a disease of the brain with constant brain trauma. For example, you can get repetitive concussions from this. Smith is one of the many N.F.L. players who has/had C.T.E. C.T.E. is a disease that has some unknown details scientists can’t figure out yet. Bubba Smith’s concussions were grave enough to kill him. Football is a very dangerous sport.
Detailed Edits:
Bubba Smith was a football star and famous actor that had died in 2011 because of repeated head trauma.
- Let's take out "was" and "that" and add some commas to make this sound like less of a run-on sentence. I would also change "because" to "due to" because it sounds a little more sophisticated. I added the bit about other health complications to your topic sentence, as you go into quite a bit of detail about C.T.E. in your following sentences. Great start! Make sure you add a title always; Bubba Smith, a football star and famous actor, died in 2001 due to repeated head trauma and other health complications.
Not only that, he had C.T.E. (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) a disease of the brain with constant brain trauma.
- Let's combine this sentence with the next one to ensure that your sentence count follows GoodToKnow's format; In addition to head trauma, Smith also suffered from C.T.E., chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a brain disease that can cause repetitive concussions.
For example, you can get repetitive concussions from this.
- We can take out this sentence since we combined it with the last one.
Smith is one of the many N.F.L. players who has/had C.T.E.
- NFL doesn't need periods here, so we can take those out. I would also suggest saying "just one of many" to suggest that this is a problem that affects many individuals. We can also say "have suffered from" to minimize the indecisiveness that surrounds the phrasing "has/had"; Smith was just one of the many NFL players who have suffered from C.T.E.
C.T.E. is a disease that has some unknown details scientists can’t figure out yet.
- Reworded for fluidity; We have very few details about C.T.E. as scientists still have much research to conduct on it.
Bubba Smith’s concussions were grave enough to kill him.
- Lets add a transition at the beginning of this sentence to make it flow a bit more smoothly; We do know, however, that Bubba Smith’s concussions were grave enough to kill him.
Football is a very dangerous sport.
- I would include a bit to your last sentence just to sum up all of the details you mentioned in your supporting sentences and make it a bit more relevant to the article as a whole. Great job on the clarity and inclusion of facts within your article; Football is a very dangerous sport, especially when combined with preexisting conditions such as C.T.E.
Complete Article:
The Concussions of Late Football Star Bubba Smith
Bubba Smith, a football star and famous actor, died in 2001 due to repeated head trauma and other health complications. In addition to head trauma, Smith also suffered from C.T.E., chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a brain disease that can cause repetitive concussions. Smith was just one of the many NFL players who have suffered from C.T.E. We have very few details about C.T.E. as scientists still have much research to conduct on it. We do know, however, that Bubba Smith’s concussions were grave enough to kill him. Football is a very dangerous sport, especially when combined with preexisting conditions such as C.T.E.
Original Article:
New Person of The Year For 2019
Climate activist, Greta Thunberg, has won Time’s person of the year of 2019. Only 16 years old, she has gotten many awards before and is popular for her motivational speeches. Greta Thunberg has inspired many people of all ages and is very proud of her work. She takes a lot of action about climate change by spreading awareness to her audience. She makes her speeches and talks inspirational and with emotion to move the listener. Greta Thunberg travels worldwide and uses her time to let people know and share her ideas. 1/3/20 https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/11/business/media/time-person-of-the-year-greta-thunberg.html?searchResultPosition=1
Detailed Edits:
Climate activist, Greta Thunberg, has won Time’s person of the year of 2019.
- Great start. You can remove the commas in this sentence because the description “climate activist” pairs with the noun “Greta Thunberg as a unit. I would also capitalize all letters in TIME as this is how it is always printed on their site and in paper publications. Let’s also capitalize Person and Year as “Person of the Year” is an official title; Climate activist Greta Thunberg has won TIME’s Person of the Year of 2019.
Only 16 years old, she has gotten many awards before and is popular for her motivational speeches.
- “At just sixteen years old…” would sound a bit less awkward. Also, I recommend always spelling out your numbers in your written work unless the number is ridiculously large. I’m also rewording slightly for fluidity so take a look at how these changes make the phrasing seem less “clunky;" At just sixteen years old, Greta has already received many awards and has gained popularity for her motivational speeches.
Greta Thunberg has inspired many people of all ages and is very proud of her work.
- We can now say “she” since we’ve said “Greta” in the last sentence. It’s nice to alternate between pronouns and the name of the individual and can sound redundant if we keep referring to them formally by first and last name. We can also elaborate a bit more here on the word “work” to give the reader a better idea of what she is all about; Greta has inspired people of all ages and is very proud of the efforts she has made to protect the environment.
She takes a lot of action about climate change by spreading awareness to her audience.
- Reworded for fluidity and elaboration; She takes action by organizing peaceful protests to spread awareness about climate change.
She makes her speeches and talks inspirational and with emotion to move the listener.
- Let’s add a transition here so that we are not starting two sentences in a row with “She.” I have also reworded a bit for fluidity. Note that “talks inspiration” is technically grammatically incorrect, and you should get into the habit of following a verb such as “talks” with an adverb, such as “inspirationally.” That “ly” on the end makes a big difference! In her speeches, she talks inspirationally and appeals to emotion to move the listener.
Greta Thunberg travels worldwide and uses her time to let people know and share her ideas.
- I would suggest referring to her as “Ms. Thunberg” here to change things up, or simply calling her Greta. As I mentioned before, we already introduced her formally in the opening sentence, so now we can stick to “Greta” or “She” to sound more natural. I have also reworded this slightly for fluidity and incorporated the phrase “continues to” so that in your conclusion, it gives the notion that Greta, Person of the Year, will continue to do great things. See my rewording at the end of the sentence for a more impactful ending. Always end strong! Great work 😊 Greta continues to travel worldwide, using her time to share her passion and ideas with people from every corner of the globe.
Completely Edited Article:
New Person of The Year For 2019
Climate activist Greta Thunberg has won TIME’s Person of the Year of 2019. At just sixteen years old, Greta has already received many awards and has gained popularity for her motivational speeches. Greta has inspired people of all ages and is very proud of the efforts she has made to protect the environment. She takes action by organizing peaceful protests to spread awareness about climate change. In her speeches, she talks inspirationally and appeals to emotion to move the listener. Greta continues to travel worldwide, using her time to share her passion and ideas with people from every corner of the globe. 1/3/20 https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/11/business/media/time-person-of-the-year-greta-thunberg.html?searchResultPosition=1
A Struggling Relationship.
The US military and Iraq are currently in an aggressive relationship. After the US sent an attack drone and killed Iranian General, Qassem Soleimani, Iraq immediately took that as a threat and wanted to battle. Iraq officials, however, called the US strike that killed the important figure, an unacceptable breach of Iraqi sovereignty. Both forces have been sending violent weapons to each others country and harms people in their too. Iraq and the United States have not settled down yet. 1/14/20 https://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2020/01/15/us/politics/ap-us-united-states-iraq.html?searchResultPosition=7
Marine sea animals are very interesting and have many wonders. For example, there are over 500 different species of sharks. Sharks also help out their ecosystem by keeping a balance with the other creatures. Something else unique about sharks is that their skeletons are made of cartilage. Sharks also have razor sharp teeth that helps them catch their prey. Therefore, sharks are very cool animals.
1/25/20 https://ocean.si.edu/ocean-life/sharks-rays/sharks
Successful inventor, Nikola Tesla had a very interesting life. From being dirt poor, to becoming one of the richest men in his time, he showed a great change. With the help of his inventions, Tesla thrived with famous people like Thomas Edison to help him with his projects. Tesla experienced some hardships in his life though like when his laboratory burned down along with his notes. Despite the obstacle, Nikola Tesla rose and didn't give up. His major invention was the tesla car company. 1/31/20 https://www.smithsonianmag.com/innovation/extraordinary-life-nikola-tesla-180967758/
