The World for Freedom

Revision as of 17:27, 3 June 2020

Jich's Writing Page

Original paragraph: I would describe Demi as a shy boy. The text stated "A quiet, quaint boy was Demu, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children." This shows Demi was shy because when you are quiet or quaint, it means you don't like talking, which means the same as being shy. I would also describe Demi as imaginative. The text stated "Very fond of books, and full of lively fancies, born of a strong imagination and a spiritual nature, these traits made his parents anxious to balance them with useful knowledge and healthful society, lest they should make him one of those pale precocious children who amaze and delight a family sometimes, and fade away like hot-house flowers, because the young soul blooms too soon, and has not a hearty body to root it firmly in the wholesome soil of this world." This proves that Demi is imaginative because he had a strong imagination, which means you imagine a lot or that you are imaginative. As you can see Demi is imaginative and shy because he had a good animation and because he was quiet and quaint.

Corrections:

• • • I would describe Demi as a shy boy.

      Good! 

• • • The text states, "A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children."

      Good quote! Make sure to keep your verbs about the text quotes in present tense, so I edited in “states” instead of “stated.” Using present tense when talking about what the book states is something many adults don’t even remember, and if you use it, your writing will be very impressive!

• • • This shows Demi was shy because he was quiet and quaint, which means he didn't like talking.

      Edited for repetition; You don’t need to say “shy” twice in the sentence, so I took out the second “shy.” I also took out the times you said “you,” to make the sentence all about Demi.

• • • I would also describe Demi as imaginative.

      Very good word choice!

• • • The text states that Demi was ”Very fond of books, and full of lively fancies, born of a strong imagination and a spiritual nature.”

     The quote you chose was very long. Try to use only the parts of the text sentence that support your claim. You claim that Demi is imaginative, so I left that part of the quote in, and took out the part about how his parents were raising him.

• • • This proves that Demi had a powerful imagination.

      Edited for repetition; Because your quote already said Demi has a “strong imagination,” try to find a synonym, such as “powerful.”

• • • As you can see, Demi was shy and imaginative because he was quiet and quaint and because he had a powerful imagination.

      Edited for sentence structure and verb tense; Make sure to keep the parts of your last sentence in the same order as you talked about them earlier in the paragraph. You talked about how Demi is shy before you talked about how Demi is imaginative, so I rearranged your last sentence to match. Also, you combined present and past tense in this sentence, so make sure to keep the tense the same.

Edited paragraph:

I would describe Demi as a shy boy. The text states, "A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery, quite unconscious that he was unusually bright and beautiful, yet quick to see and love intelligence or beauty in other children." This shows Demi was shy because he was quiet and quaint, which means he didn't like talking. I would also describe Demi as imaginative. The text states that Demi was ”Very fond of books, and full of lively fancies, born of a strong imagination and a spiritual nature.” This proves that Demi had a powerful imagination. As you can see, Demi was shy and imaginative because he was quiet and quaint and because he had a powerful imagination.

Comments:

Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great job describing Demi as shy and imaginative! Just make sure that you don’t repeat the same words too much, and you can search a thesaurus for synonyms if that helps you. Also, remember to keep the same tense throughout your writing. If you have any questions about writing or my edits, please type them out for me here. I am excited to see your next paragraph!

Edited by Sarah Kikel