The World for Freedom

Revision as of 20:26, 24 April 2020

Italic text

Sish's Writing Page

                                                                                    Get Your ZZZs

During the study, what happened to the research participants had weaker brain waves and large ways of fluid were washed into the participant's brain. The text states," The scientists, who published the results of the study in the journal Science in late 2019, found that similar to rats and baboons, large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle. Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion." This shows what happens when you don't get enough sleep. Furthermore, the text states," Since patients with Alzheimer's have been observed to have less frequent and weaker brain waves, the researchers suspect that poor sleep in patients with neurological disorders may be impacting the brain's cleansing process and causing toxins to accumulate, eventually leading to degeneration." If you don't sleep well, this can happen as it did to the research participants. Not getting enough sleep can hurt you so it's important to get enough sleep

Sorry if this was lame. I had a lot of assignments in my school. -Sirasa

Today is Earth Day and Things YOU Can do to Help Save OUR World.

Some ways we can help the earth is to repurpose trash and conserve energy. The text states," The number of garbage trucks Americans fill each year would stretch halfway to the moon. Toilet paper tubes, made from cardboard, take two months to decompose in a landfill. A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down! But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter. Before you throw something away, think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed." This helps the earth a lot! As the text stated, it takes very long to decompose a landfill and takes over 450 years to break down! That is a very long time. So to stop this, we can reuse things in the trash and turn it into something useful. Furthermore, the text states," Electricity doesn’t just happen—it has to be produced from things around us. A lot of times it comes from fossil fuels (such as coal, oil, or natural gas) that contribute to climate change. But electricity can also be made from renewable sources like wind, water, the sun, and even elephant dung! No matter where it’s coming from, try conserving electrical energy by using only what you need." This also is another way to help the earth by consuming electricity. Everything here is the least we can do to save the earth so please don't litter and pollute.

P.S. Oh and when I said that I need help, I need help explaining my quotes. I don't always want to do " This means that..." or " This shows that..." because it kinda sounds boring you know? I want to know how to fully express my quotes and I think you go to NYU (my teacher told me but I'm not sure) and my sister got a scholarship for that college and I hope you guys become besties UwU and that is an awesome college so congratulations! Anyways, is it okay if you give me some tips about how you explain your quotes? Thank you VERY much! Your edits have helped me a lot throughout this month and I really appreciate it! - Sirasa Shakya

Original Draft

                      Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears

The boys are helping the seniors by shopping for them and delivering supplies. The text states, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible." This helps the seniors because they are too old for going around at this time. Plus, it's also easy to catch the coronavirus so the boys shopped for them. Furthermore, the text states," The two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need." Now we know that the grandparents also have health conditions so it's even riskier if they go out. The two boys helped thew seniors and now the whole neighborhood is doing the same thing. This saves many lives.

Corrections Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears
****"'This is a great title!"'

The boys are helping the seniors by shopping for them and delivering supplies.
****"'For an opening sentence, this feels more like I started reading in the middle of the paragraph. We have to first address who the boys are, where they're from, and why they're helping the seniors."'
Montgomery Blair High School sophomores, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai, from Silver Spring, Maryland, has come up with a plan to help the senior citizens and citizens with underlying health conditions during the outbreak of COVID-19. The teens came up with Teens Helping Seniors, a service project where "Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need."

The text states, "In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible."
****"' I broke this quote up to add a chance for my own words."'
To make sure they don't unintentionally spread the virus, the "teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering." They even wear gloves while they shop and deliver, "and offer curbside pickup when possible."

This helps the seniors because they are too old for going around at this time. Plus, it's also easy to catch the coronavirus so the boys shopped for them.
****"'For this part, we need can combine these two sentences to create one sentence with better flow. I also added a little extra after that."'
Senior citizens and people with underlying health conditions are more likely to get sick with coronavirus and are often unable or too afraid to go out to get necessities like food and medicine during this time. Thankfully, the teens of the community have made a way for them to get the things they need.

Furthermore, the text states," The two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need."
****"' This quote comes from the very beginning of the story, so it's a little too late to have it added now. Plus, we've already said this. I took this quote out because of this."'

Now we know that the grandparents also have health conditions so it's even riskier if they go out.
****"'Well, it didn't actually say that the grandparents have health conditions, it said "grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions. I took this part out too."'

The two boys helped thew seniors and now the whole neighborhood is doing the same thing.
****"' I assume that "thew" was just a typo. I also elaborated a bit more in this sentence."'
Their mission has spread across Maryland and even made its way to Washington D.C.

This saves many lives.
****"' This sentence doesn't really feel very conclusive, so I added to it and reworded it a bit."'
Thanks to these teens, their contributions are saving lives.

Final Draft Maryland Teens Go On Grocery Store Runs for Seniors and Vulnerable Neighbors Amid COVID-19 Fears Montgomery Blair High School sophomores, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai, from Silver Spring, Maryland, have come up with a plan to help the senior citizens and citizens with underlying health conditions during the outbreak of COVID-19. The teens came up with Teens Helping Seniors, a service project where "Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need." To make sure they don't unintentionally spread the virus, the "teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering." They even wear gloves while they shop and deliver, "and offer curbside pickup when possible." Senior citizens and people with underlying health conditions are more likely to get sick with COVID-19 and are oftentimes unable or too afraid to go out to get necessities like food and medicine during this time. Thankfully, the teens of the community have made a way for them to get the things they need. Their mission has spread across Maryland and even made its way to Washington D.C. Thanks to these teens, their contributions are saving lives.

Great title again! Just reread your work when you finish and take note of my comments. You're doing a great job! Edited by Lainey Morris

Original Draft

                      Celebrate The 50th Anniversary Of Earth Day Without Leaving Home
 Two ways the story reports that Earth Day is being celebrated is that people do earth day activities at home and to the world's largest digital climate conference. The text states," US Space Agency NASA is celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit. The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home." This is one way to celebrate earth day. You can get the kit and play fun games and activities for your family! Furthermore, the text states," The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference. From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government. The free five-day event, which will be live-streamed to viewers worldwide via the wedonthavetime.org website will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon." This is another way to celebrate Earth day at home. you can join the digital conference and experts will talk about Earth day. Therefore, these are two ways to celebrate Earth day at home.                    

Corrections Celebrate The 50th Anniversary Of Earth Day Without Leaving Home
****"' You are really good at making titles! The only thing I changed here was the capitalization of "the" and "of". The word "the" is an article and the word "of" is a preposition, and in a title, articles and prepositions aren't capitalized (there are exceptions sometimes, but in this case, they are kept lowercase)."'
Celebrate the 50th Anniversary of Earth Day Without Leaving Home

 Two ways the story reports that Earth Day is being celebrated is that people do earth day activities at home and to the world's largest digital climate conference. 

****"'This is one of those things where you have to imagine that the person reading this paragraph is from Mars. Reading this, they'd probably think, "What is Earth Day? Why are these people celebrating at home?" If you have a good introduction, it reduces any chances of confusion for the reader (or the alien if they're from Mars). So what I did was I gave a short definition of Earth Day, when it is celebrated, and how it is usually celebrated. This covers the first question ("What is Earth Day?"). Next, I explained that the coronavirus outbreak is what is causing people to celebrate from home because of all of the shutdowns. This covers the second question ("Why are these people celebrating from home?"), and now you can move on to the actual story."'
Earth Day, a holiday dedicated to environmental protection, is held on April 22 every year. People celebrate this holiday by doing things such as picking up litter, planting trees, and recycling. Unfortunately, due to the outbreak of the coronavirus, shutdowns are keeping people from celebrating like they normally would.

The text states," US Space Agency NASA is celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit. The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home."
****"' It's good that you're using quotes from the story; however, it's limiting the number of your own words that are ending up in your article. Something you can do to make sure you're getting a good amount of your words it is by adding a small descriptor like, "To make sure people can still celebrate," and then going into your quote. That way, you have some of your own words in there and you're giving a good quote. I also added just a little bit more context before talking about NASA and Toolkit."'
To make sure people can still celebrate, "organizations, educators, and activists worldwide have devised numerous ways to mark the 50th anniversary of this all-important holiday, which is dedicated to climate action this year, without leaving the comfort of your homes." Even NASA is joining in by "celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit." Toolkit is a "collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials that will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home."

This is one way to celebrate earth day. You can get the kit and play fun games and activities for your family!
****"'Instead of straight-up saying "This is one way to celebrate Earth Day", you can say something to combine these two sentences so that it's clear that this is one of the points you're making, but you're saying it in a way that's a little more subtle. This way the reader doesn't feel thrown off by any unintentional rigidity."'
This way, kids and adults alike will still get to celebrate the earth while they play games and have fun with their families at home!

Furthermore, the text states," The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference. From April 20 to April 24, 2020, over 100 experts from a wide range of industries and five continents will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government. The free five-day event, which will be live-streamed to viewers worldwide via the wedonthavetime.org website will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon."
****"'This is a huge chunk of information, which is good, but breaking it up into smaller chunks with your words in between will make it seem less like you're just putting the story in your story. Like I said on one of your previous drafts, breaking up parts of a quote can be helpful to have both information from the article as well as your own wording of the information (that way you don't get in trouble for copying). Look at what I do next as an example:"'
Furthermore, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference." This conference will last for five days, from April 20 to April 24, 2020, and will feature over 100 experts in various industries from five continents who "will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government." The event is completely free and will be live-streamed to viewers all over the world through the website, wedonthavetime.org. The event "will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon."
****"'See what I mean? I still used the same quote, but this time I broke it up and added my own words here and there to give it a better flow. It also shows that I read the article and I can talk about it in my own words without having to quote such a large chunk of the article."'

This is another way to celebrate Earth day at home.
****"'First, both "Earth" and "Day" should be capitalized, because the whole phrase ("Earth Day") is a proper noun since it's a holiday. Usually, I take out sentences like this, but this time I kept it and then added detail about the coronavirus (since that's the reason people have to celebrate from home)."'
This is another great way for people to celebrate Earth Day at home without risking exposure to the coronavirus.

you can join the digital conference and experts will talk about Earth day.
****"'Since "you" is at the beginning of the sentence, it needs to be capitalized. Also, I mostly kept this sentence with the brief addition of a few details that we've already discussed."'
You can join the digital conference and listen to the experts talk about Earth Day, climate, and many other interesting topics.

Therefore, these are two ways to celebrate Earth day at home.
****"'This is true, but let's write something that explains this same idea while also being a little more enthusiastic to make a great conclusion sentence."'
Isolation isn't fun, but you can still have a good time this Earth Day with these two awesome platforms!

Final Draft Celebrate the 50th Anniversary of Earth Day Without Leaving Home Earth Day, a holiday dedicated to environmental protection, is held on April 22 every year. People celebrate this holiday by doing things such as picking up litter, planting trees, and recycling. Unfortunately, due to the outbreak of the coronavirus, shutdowns are keeping people from celebrating like they normally would. To make sure people can still celebrate, "organizations, educators, and activists worldwide have devised numerous ways to mark the 50th anniversary of this all-important holiday, which is dedicated to climate action this year, without leaving the comfort of your homes." Even NASA is joining in by "celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit." The toolkit is a "collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials that will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home." This way, kids and adults alike will still get to celebrate the earth while they play games and have fun with their families at home! Furthermore, "The Earth Day Network, in partnership with online climate activist organizations We Don't Have Time and Exponentialroadmap has planned the world's largest digital climate conference." This conference will last for five days, from April 20 to April 24, 2020, and will feature over 100 experts in different industries from five continents who "will meet over the internet to discuss topics ranging from climate finance to food and agriculture to local government." The event is completely free and will be live-streamed to viewers all over the world through the website, wedonthavetime.org. The event "will culminate on April 25, 2020, with a Climate Hackathon." This is another great way for people to celebrate Earth Day at home without risking exposure to coronavirus. You can join the digital conference and listen to the experts talk about Earth Day, climate, and many other interesting topics. Isolation isn't fun, but you can still have a good time this Earth Day with these two awesome platforms!

Great work here, you're killing it with the titles! I'm always impressed with what you come up with. Most of your mistakes seem to be random, careless errors that you probably don't usually make. Reading over your paragraph when you finish writing it is a good way to double-check for those things. Just make sure you're reading my comments and taking note of my suggestions and I'm sure you'll improve in no time! Keep up the great work! Edited by Lainey Morris

Original Draft

                          Passionate can equal to success

Some accomplishments that William Winslow achieved was that he told people to give kids food, he collected 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000, and he helped kids get access to food. In the text, it states, "There, he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." He was kind and passionate enough to do this. Also, the text states," Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." This shows that he's helping to end childhood hunger. William is very kind enough to do this and we all appreciate his passion for saving children from starving.

Corrections

   Passionate can equal to success

****"' You always have such great titles! I only changed it a tiny bit."'
Passion Can Equal Success

Some accomplishments that William Winslow achieved was that he told people to give kids food, he collected 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000, and he helped kids get access to food.
****"'Who is William Winslow? Why did he tell people to give kids food? How did he get all this money? Give some context first in your introduction sentence before diving into the more detailed stuff."'
William Winslow, a 14-year-old from North Carolina, has had a passion for ending childhood hunger since he was in first grade.

In the text, it states, "There, he talked shoppers into buying food — 1,400 pounds worth — to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
****"'For this part, I added more context around it (why he talked the shoppers into buying food, where he was, etc.)"'
After he learned that "as many as 1 in 5 kids in his state were at risk for hunger - including some of his classmates.", William convinced his mom to take him to their local Food Lion, where he talked other shoppers into buying "1,400 pounds worth" of food "to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."

He was kind and passionate enough to do this.
****"'We can tell from reading about his actions that he is kind and passionate, so we don't need to clearly state it. Because of this, I deleted this sentence."'

Also, the text states," Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree."
****"'In this part, I added some of my own words plus the quote."'
It's been seven years, and now "he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree."

This shows that he's helping to end childhood hunger.
****"' Again, we can tell from reading that he's doing his part to help end childhood hunger, so I took this sentence out too."'

William is very kind enough to do this and we all appreciate his passion for saving children from starving.
****"' I reworded this sentence to still highlight our appreciation for William while making the sentence good for the conclusion."'
At the young age of 14, William has already done so much for his community and his passion for ending childhood hunger is an inspiration to us all.

Final Draft Passion Can Equal Success William Winslow, a 14-year-old from North Carolina, has had a passion for ending childhood hunger since he was in first grade. After he learned that "as many as 1 in 5 kids in his state were at risk for hunger - including some of his classmates.", William convinced his mom to take him to their local Food Lion, where he talked other shoppers into buying "1,400 pounds worth" of food "to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." It's been seven years, and now "he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." At the young age of 14, William has already done so much for his community and his passion for ending childhood hunger is an inspiration to us all.

Keep up the good work, don't be afraid to ask anyone for help. You're doing a great job! Edited by Lainey Morris

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Original Draft

       ---I don't know what to put for a title -w-   
       Two events that are stated in this article is that Japanese people are graduating online and robots are helping then celebrate remotely. In the text, it states," The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom." This shows the university president telling students about this online graduation. Furthermore, the text states," Each time a student's name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated 'New' me' avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap and shout-out their 'congratulations,' via a digital tablet attached to each New'me's head. Once Mr. Omae had placed the certificate on a rack, mounted on the New'mes midsection, the beaming students remotely posed with him for an official graduation photo." This is how they are going to graduate and robots are going to help the teachers and staff to help the students graduate remotely which isn't that easy. To sum up, these are the two events that are stated in this article. 

   I need help in explaining my quotes. If it's ok with you can you please help me out? Thanks- Sirasa ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

Corrections

    ---I don't know what to put for a title -w-   

****"'That's okay! Sometimes writer's block makes it difficult to come up with a title. I'll help you out!"'
Avatar Robots: the Remote Experience

       Two events that are stated in this article is that Japanese people are graduating online and robots are helping then celebrate remotely. 

****"' I think when you said "then" here it was just a typo, but for future reference, going back over your paragraph and reading it again is a good way to check for mistakes you may have made. Also, instead of explicitly saying that there are two events, go ahead and tell the reader what they are. Another thing: make this opening sentence just a little more introductory by adding context (why are there robots? Why are students graduating online?)."'
Due to the outbreak of COVID-19, students of Business Breakthrough University in Tokyo weren't able to attend their graduation ceremonies in person. Thankfully, professor Shugo Yanaka, Dean of Global Business Administration, came up with a great idea to allow these students to experience their graduation remotely.

In the text, it states," The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom."
****"'For this part, I reworded things a bit so that the more important things stood out, like the date and the place. Then, I combined it with a quote about the actual ceremony."'
On March 28, 2020, at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace, the university used "avatar robots to enable students to 'attend' their graduation ceremony without leaving home." These robots, called New"Me"s, "dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president."

This shows the university president telling students about this online graduation.
****"' Usually, the reader can pick up on what you're saying without you having to say "this shows...". For this reason, I deleted this sentence."'

Furthermore, the text states," Each time a student's name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated 'New' me' avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap and shout-out their 'congratulations,' via a digital tablet attached to each New'me's head. Once Mr. Omae had placed the certificate on a rack, mounted on the New'mes midsection, the beaming students remotely posed with him for an official graduation photo."
****"'Since this is a long quote, I only used the most important parts where I used it above: the parts about what the robots wore, how they received the diploma, and who gave the diploma."'
These robots, called New"Me"s, "dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president."

This is how they are going to graduate and robots are going to help the teachers and staff to help the students graduate remotely which isn't that easy.
****"'This is another instance where the reader knows what's going on, so we don't need to tell them again. Instead, add some more details about the rest of the story that wasn't about the graduation."'
ANA Holdings, the company responsible for creating these robots, "believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on 'vacation', and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station." Thanks to these robots, people with mobility issues will be able to have fun, and doctors will be able to help those in need.

To sum up, these are the two events that are stated in this article.
****"'This sentence isn't really conclusive. Instead, say a short sentence about the robots in particular to make a good conclusion."'
These new avatar robots will certainly do amazing things in the future.

   I need help in explaining my quotes. If it's ok with you can you please help me out? Thanks- Sirasa ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ

****"'Yes! I would love to! What do you need?"'

Final Draft Due to the outbreak of COVID-19, students of Business Breakthrough University in Tokyo weren't able to attend their graduation ceremonies in person. Thankfully, professor Shugo Yanaka, Dean of Global Business Administration, came up with a great idea to allow these students to experience their graduation remotely. On March 28, 2020, at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace, the university used "avatar robots to enable students to 'attend' their graduation ceremony without leaving home." These robots, called New"Me"s, "dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president." ANA Holdings, the company responsible for creating these robots, "believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on 'vacation', and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station." Thanks to these robots, people with mobility issues will be able to have fun, and doctors will be able to help those in need. These new avatar robots will certainly do amazing things in the future.

A helpful tip: you don't always have to use an entire quote - you can use just the part you need. For example, let's say an article said "Harry Styles was a baker in high school. He liked baking bread, cupcakes, and other pastries. When he was 16, he auditioned for the X-Factor with the song 'Isn't She Lovely', where he ended up meeting Simon Cowell, who put him in the group that became One Direction." If I was writing about the members of the band One Direction, I might not need the part about what song Harry Styles sang. So, if I just wanted to include his age and how he met Simon Cowell, I could say "When Harry Styles was 16, 'he auditioned for the X-Factor,". Thanks to his audition, 'he ended up meeting Simon Cowell, who put him in the group that became One Direction.'" See how I didn't use that entire quote? I only used the parts that I needed. I used short snips of sentences, but I included them with the flow of my sentence so that what I was saying led into the quote (ex. Sally said that she would "love to go see One Direction" but she doesn't have time.) Using really long quotes might make the reader get bored with what you're saying, so using your own words + short snips of quotes will keep them awake and paying attention to what you're saying. Sorry if that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, it's difficult to explain this without talking out loud! You're doing really well! I always look forward to reading your paragraphs because I can tell how much effort you put into them. I think as long as you double-check your work for random mistakes, you'll be great! You're doing a great job now, too. I hope what I said above was helpful, keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris

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Original Draft Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy!

   If a person wants to be an astronaut, they need requirements which are that the person should have experience at flying like planes. They also need to be social in order to be an astronaut. The article states," You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Like I said before, you need to have experience and these are examples of experiences you need to have to become an astronaut. You don't need to have experience in flying or engineering. You can have other experiences like computer science or mathematics. Furthermore, the text states," They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." Not only do you need to be social to be a NASA astronaut, but you also need to be independent and be a good leader. That's a lot in order to be a NASA astronaut, but there's even more! For example, being in good shape, you need good eyesight, you need a master's degree in STEM, and many more. It's not as easy as you think!

Corrections Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy!
****"'This is an awesome title! I didn't change it at all. Great job!"'

   If a person wants to be an astronaut, they need requirements which are that the person should have experience at flying like planes. 

****"'Since this sentence isn't very introductory, I added some more introduction and, in a separate sentence, went ahead and added the quote from the article about planes."'
Being an astronaut is no easy task, but do you know all of NASA's requirements that an astronaut has to meet? NASA says that they "need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."

They also need to be social in order to be an astronaut.
****"' For this part, I sort of kept part of it, but then added in the quote from the article about teamwork."'
Being an astronaut also requires some social skills: "They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."

The article states," You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."
****"' This part would've been better after your first sentence since it doesn't relate to being social. Since I already used this quote earlier though, I took it out here."'

Like I said before, you need to have experience and these are examples of experiences you need to have to become an astronaut.
****"' From reading this paragraph, the reader knows that these are examples of experience needed to become an astronaut. I removed this part because of that."'

You don't need to have experience in flying or engineering. You can have other experiences like computer science or mathematics.
****"' Here, I sort of rewrote the sentence and added in the quote about having a master's degree in STEM. Also, since the quote about flying already says other work experience is also accepted, I took the part about not needing experience flying a plane out."'

Furthermore, the text states," They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."
****"'Since I already used this quote earlier, I took it out here."'

Not only do you need to be social to be a NASA astronaut, but you also need to be independent and be a good leader.
****"' This was basically already stated in the quote above, so I took this part out as well."'

That's a lot in order to be a NASA astronaut, but there's even more! For example, being in good shape, you need good eyesight, you need a master's degree in STEM, and many more.
****"'For this part, since we already mentioned the master's degree in STEM, I took that part out and just included the quote about the eyesight and being in good physical shape."'
On top of that, NASA requires that their Astronaut Candidates "also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape."

It's not as easy as you think!
****"' I kept this sentence, but I wrote some extra stuff for some more conclusion and used your part at the very end."'
Being an astronaut for NASA isn't all about rockets and space! A lot goes into being able to become an astronaut - it's not as easy as you might think!

Final Draft Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy! Being an astronaut is no easy task, but do you know all of NASA's requirements that an astronaut has to meet? NASA says that they "need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Being an astronaut also requires some social skills: "They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." You might think that you need an engineering degree, but you could get "a master's degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math)." So if engineering isn't your strong suit, don't worry! A master's degree in any STEM field is accepted. On top of that, NASA requires that their Astronaut Candidates "also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape." Being an astronaut for NASA isn't all about rockets and space! A lot goes into being able to become an astronaut - it's not as easy as you might think!

This was some good work! Just make sure you're not repeating yourself and the article by saying one thing and then adding the quote that says it again after it. Also, be mindful of the order that you put your quotes - if your quote doesn't match with the sentence you wrote before it, it won't make much sense. Just read back over your work when you finish and it'll help you avoid easy mistakes. Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris

Original Draft Who'll win this fight?"

      The two opposing sides are Mayor De Blasio and Governor Cuomo. In the text, it states," It’s likely the mayor’s decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so. If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children." This is Mayor De Blasio's side and he's talking about how NYC schools will shut down for the rest of the year. Furthermore, in the text, it states," 'There has been no decision. That’s the mayor’s opinion. I value it,' Cuomo said. 'But the decision will be coordinated.' " This shows the other side which is Governor Cuomo's side. He's saying that it's not a hundred percent confirmed and that that was only Mayor De Blasio's opinion. Therefore, these are the two opposing sides in this article.

Corrections
Who'll win this fight?"
****"'Nice title! However, I wouldn't describe what's happening between the mayor and the governor as a fight. Instead, maybe some sort of tense disagreement."'
Tensions rise between NYC mayor, Bill de Blasio, and Governor Andrew Cuomo

      The two opposing sides are Mayor De Blasio and Governor Cuomo. 

****"'Okay, for this sentence, we need a little more context. Assume that the reader is from Mars - who are these people? Where are they from? What are they disagreeing about? We need to know what happened first before we go into the fact that they disagree. For this reason, I added the context and an extra sentence to show that Cuomo has an opposing opinion instead of explicitly saying it."'
On Saturday, Mayor de Blasio of New York City announced that the city's schools will not be reopening for the rest of the school year. However, this didn't seem to go over well with New York's governor, Andrew Cuomo, who called this announcement "premature".

In the text, it states," It’s likely the mayor’s decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so. If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children."
****"'For this part, I kept the quote, but I broke it up so that it would be in two separate sentences. This way, it's easier to read and easier to identify the reasoning for the mayor's decision as well as the negative consequences of his decision."'
Still, the text says that "It's likely the mayor's decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so." Unfortunately, the text also says that "If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children."

This is Mayor De Blasio's side and he's talking about how NYC schools will shut down for the rest of the year.
****"'Since Mayor de Blasio himself did not say this, I took this part out. Also, note that his last name is "de Blasio", not "De Blasio" (the "de" is not capitalized)."'

Furthermore, in the text, it states," 'There has been no decision. That’s the mayor’s opinion. I value it,' Cuomo said. 'But the decision will be coordinated.' "
****"'In this part, I added some more context as for why the mayor wishes to keep schools closed before adding the governor's take on this wish."'
Mayor de Blasio explains that schools remaining closed "is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,", but Governor Cuomo says that "There has been no decision. That's the mayor's opinion. I value it," and that "the decision will be coordinated."

This shows the other side which is Governor Cuomo's side. He's saying that it's not a hundred percent confirmed and that that was only Mayor De Blasio's opinion.
****"'Since we have a quote from the governor that clearly expresses that this is his side, we don't need to say that this shows his side. Because of this, I took the first sentence out. I also took out the second sentence because the reader can tell what Cuomo is saying by reading the quote, so we don't need to restate it."'

Therefore, these are the two opposing sides in this article.
****"' The prompt for this article wasn't to identify how many opposing sides there are but to identify what they are instead. Because of this, I reworded this sentence."'
As for now, the opposing views between Mayor de Blasio and Governor Cuomo remain.

Final Draft
Tensions rise between NYC mayor, Bill de Blasio, and Governor Andrew Cuomo On Saturday, Mayor de Blasio of New York City announced that the city's schools will not be reopening for the rest of the school year. However, this didn't seem to go over well with New York's governor, Andrew Cuomo, who called this announcement "premature". Still, the text says that "It's likely the mayor's decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so." Unfortunately, the text also says that "If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children." Mayor de Blasio explains that schools remaining closed "is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,", but Governor Cuomo says that "There has been no decision. That's the mayor's opinion. I value it," and that "the decision will be coordinated." As for now, the opposing views between Mayor de Blasio and Governor Cuomo remain.

This was a pretty good paragraph, you have really great potential and I can tell that you're a good writer! I think as long as you learn from your mistakes and take my comments and corrections into consideration, you'll improve quickly! Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris

'Eastern Tiger Salamanders, Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Make a Comeback

Two reasons why the Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is because they are one of the first species and important to the ecosystem. In the text it states," ' Salamanders are one of the first species many of us encounter as kids,' noted Scott McDaniel, director of the Susquehannock Wildlife Society in Darlington. 'Their seemingly smiling faces and bright colors excite the imagination as you flip a rock over or roll a log to find such a unique treasure hiding underneath.' ” As you can see these Eastern Tiger Salamanders ate one of the first species. Scott McDaniel said that they have smiling faces and that their bright colors excite us. Furthermore, the text states, "Like other amphibians, tiger salamanders are important to the ecosystem because they are predators to smaller organisms and prey for larger creatures. Since they partially breathe through their skin and require wetlands to breed, lay eggs, and develop in their larval stages, they are indicators of a healthy habitat." This shows how important that salamander is and it made a comeback to Maryland c. Therefore, these are two reasons why the Eastern Tiger Salamander is reappearing in Maryland.

                                                                                                               " A REAL MOON?"
                                                                                                    
    Super moons are different from the regular moons we see because they are brighter and bigger. In the text of how they are bigger, it states," Supermoons, which are usually about seven percent bigger." This is proof of how a supermoon is bigger. It is bigger than the regular moons we see. Furthermore, for how a supermoon is brighter the text states," ...and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon." As you can see, this is also proof of how a supermoon is brighter than regular moons. Therefore, this is how Supermoons are different than regular moons.

                                          " SOCIAL DISTANCING"
  
The negative reason for practicing social distancing is that it might be hard since when you get on a train, for example, there's a lot of people and the positive reason is that you won't get sick or catch the coronavirus. For the negative reason, the text states, "Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators. Going to the bank or grocery store can also be hard. In these cases, social distancing means simply doing the best you can." This means that it can be difficult to stay 6 feet apart because there are so many people like I said before." Next, for the positive reason, the text states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, social distancing involves 'avoiding mass gatherings' and 'maintaining distance' whenever possible." This means that social distancing helps because it helps limit the virus and if you don't do social distancing, you might as well have the flu and, who knows, maybe you might have the virus!

                                                                                                                       "A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC GOES A LONG WAY!"

        JK Rowling thinks that children will take an interest in her new webpage and she thinks that they will have fun. In the text, it states," Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic." This shows that JK Rowling's webpage is working to keep children interested. The text also states," 'Harry Potter' author JK Rowling has launched an online Potter hub to keep children educated and entertained during the coronavirus pandemic." This is another way of saying that she thinks children will have fun in her new webpage. Therefore, this is how JK Rowling thinks that her webpage will help children.

                                                                                                                           " POSTPONING OLYMPICS?!"
       
         Two ways that postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations is that’s this was the first time that the Olympics have been suspended and it causes headaches and heartaches. In the text, it states,” It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules, and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer.” This shows that people have these aches for only postponing the 2020 Olympics. Furthermore, the text states,” While the Olympics have previously been canceled during periods of war, and complicated by boycotts, this is the first time they have ever been suspended.” This shows that the Olympics were suspended. Therefore, these are negative effects when they postponed the Olympics 2020

                                                                                                                       " IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES"
       
         Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun is indoor snowball Dungeons and Dragons. In the text, for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together. through Skype or Zoom. In the text for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together." I personally think this seems fun because it would feel like winter and we didn't get that much snow this year so it would be amazing to play that activity. Furthermore, for Dungeons & Dragons, the text states," It shares elements with childhood games of make-believe. Like those games, D&D is driven by imagination. It’s about picturing the towering castle beneath the stormy night sky and imagining how a fantasy adventurer might react to the challenges that scene presents." This sounds really fun and I love games that can use your imagination. To sum up, I think these two activities seem fun to me.

                                                                                                                          " HOW DO YOU LEARN?"

       Some ways students can learn best while studying online is that they are most likely to complete a course and their learning is more effective. In the text, it states," Our research shows that learners who participate in the discussion forums are 37% more likely to complete a course." This shows that when they're at home, students can complete a course more easily and quicker. Furthermore, the text states," It’s easier to recall information if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so having a dedicated space at home to take online courses can make your learning more effective." Since students are at home, you can make yourself comfortable and your learning is more effective with that. In conclusion, online classes help students with their grades and that was some ways students can learn best while studying online.

                                                                                                                         " LET'S AVOID COVID-19"
     
         In order to avoid becoming infected by the COVID-19 virus, some ways we should prevent infection is to wash your hands thoroughly so you won't get any germs. The text states, "...and how to properly wash their hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds." This means that we should ALWAYS wash our hands and wash it for 20 seconds which can also help if you sing the alphabet in your head.  Furthermore, another way in order to prevent infection is to not touch your face anywhere! Don't touch your mouth especially.  In the text, O'Leary states, "I saw that our guidance from AAP has something about teaching children not to touch their face and you know, I can picture trying to do that with a 3-year-old. It’s hard enough to get adults not to touch their faces. So you do your best.” This tells you that no one should touch their face and it's even tough for adults to not touch their face either.  Therefore, these are the two ways to prevent an infection. Stay safe!

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

• • SVA - Subject Verb Agreement

Where’s your Title? Sample Title: It’s All Fun and Games

       Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun is indoor snowball Dungeons and Dragons. 

- SVA: Activities is a plural noun, so instead of using “is” which is singular, you should use “are” - Sample sentence: Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun are indoor snowball and Dungeons and Dragons.

In the text, for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together. through Skype or Zoom. - Typo/ Unnecessary period. “...together(.) through Skype or Zoom - No need to reference the text. Just state in your own why these games might be fun. - Sample Sentence: Indoor snowball seems fun because there’s no need to go outside, and I can play with my friends through Skype or Zoom.

In the text for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together." -Duplicate Sentence. Unnecessary

I personally think this seems fun because it would feel like winter and we didn't get that much snow this year so it would be amazing to play that activity. 

- Good, just minor stylistic changes made to your sentence. Maybe tie this in with your previous sentence - Sample Sentence: Indoor snowball seems fun because there’s no need to go outside, and I can play with my friends through Skype or Zoom. It would feel like winter, and since we didn’t get that much snow this year, it would be amazing to play.

Furthermore, for Dungeons & Dragons, the text states," It shares elements with childhood games of make-believe. Like those games, D&D is driven by imagination. It’s about picturing the towering castle beneath the stormy night sky and imagining how a fantasy adventurer might react to the challenges that scene presents."

- No need to reference the text. Just state in your own words why you think D&D might be fun - Sample Sentence: Dungeons & Dragons relies on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because ________________ (your own reason)

This sounds really fun and I love games that can use your imagination.

-Tie this sentence to the previous sentence to create your “reason” for why it sounds really fun -Sample Sentence: Dungeons & Dragons relies on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because that means there are a lot of different ways to play it.

To sum up, I think these two activities seem fun to me.

- Your concluding sentence is lacking the reason why these activities might seem fun to you. - Sample Sentence: These two activities will keep me occupied and will provide a lot of fun times!

Article Edited: It’s All Fun and Games

Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun are indoor snowball and Dungeons and Dragons. Indoor snowball seems fun because there’s no need to go outside, and I can play with my friends through Skype or Zoom. It would feel like winter, and since we didn’t get that much snow this year, it would be amazing to play. Dungeons & Dragons rely on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because that means there are a lot of different ways to play it. Dungeons & Dragons rely on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because that means there are a lot of different ways to play it. _______________________________________________________

Where’s your title? - Sample Title: How Do You Learn?

Some ways students can learn best while studying online is that they are most likely to complete a course and their learning is more effective. 

- The idea of your sentence is lost. - Are you trying to make the point that online studying is best because productivity is more effective? OR - Are you trying to emphasize the different ways to best learn online - Sample Sentence: Students who study online are most likely to complete a course and their learning becomes more effective.

In the text, it states," Our research shows that learners who participate in the discussion forums are 37% more likely to complete a course." - State this is in your own words. - Sample Sentence: Students who contribute to online discussion forums are 37% more likely to finish a course.

This shows that when they're at home, students can complete a course more easily and quicker. - No need for “This shows that”, It enables redundancy - Sample Sentence: When they’re at home, students can complete a course faster and easier.

Furthermore, the text states," It’s easier to recall information if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so having a dedicated space at home to take online courses can make your learning more effective."

- Paraphrase what the text states - Sample Sentence: Information is easier to remember if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so being able to learn from home enables that familiar space.

Since students are at home, you can make yourself comfortable and your learning is more effective with that.

- Parallel structures are lost with the nouns of the sentence - “Students” does not equal “you”, Instead use “they” to refer back to the students - Sample Sentence: Since the students are at home, they can make themselves comfortable and their learning becomes more effective.

In conclusion, online classes help students with their grades and that was some ways students can learn best while studying online.

- No need for the “in conclusion” since it is already your concluding thought. - Grammatical typo: “and that was some ways” - Reiterate your concluding point more cohesively. - Sample Sentence: Because of the opportunity that online learning gives with the familiarity of space, online classes can help students with their grades and therefore with their learning.

Article edited How Do You Learn?

Students who study online are most likely to complete a course and their learning becomes more effective. Students who contribute to online discussion forums are 37% more likely to finish a course. When they’re at home, students can complete a course faster and easier. Information is easier to remember if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so being able to learn from home enables that familiar space. Since the students are at home, they can make themselves comfortable and their learning becomes more effective. Because of the opportunity that online learning gives with the familiarity of space, online classes can help students with their grades and therefore with their learning.

______________________________________________________________________

Where’s your title? Sample Title: Let’s Avoid COVID-19

In order to avoid becoming infected by the COVID-19 virus, some ways we should prevent infection is to wash your hands thoroughly so you won't get any germs. - Good, edited for stylistic preferences - Sample Sentence: In order to avoid becoming infected with COVID-19, washing both hands thoroughly will help in stopping the spread of germs.

The text states, "...and how to properly wash their hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds."

This means that we should ALWAYS wash our hands and wash it for 20 seconds which can also help if you sing the alphabet in your head.

- Tie the two sentences together - Sample Sentence: It is necessary to wash both hands for at least 20 seconds. A good way to keep track of the time is by singing the alphabet!

Furthermore, another way in order to prevent infection is to not touch your face anywhere! Don't touch your mouth especially.

- Good. Combine the sentences to create a more solid point. - Sample Sentence: Another way to prevent the infection is to not touch your face, especially your mouth.

In the text, O'Leary states, "I saw that our guidance from AAP has something about teaching children not to touch their face and you know, I can picture trying to do that with a 3-year-old. It’s hard enough to get adults not to touch their faces. So you do your best.”

This tells you that no one should touch their face and it's even tough for adults to not touch their face either.

- Tie these two sentences together - Sample Sentence: It is important to avoid touching our faces even though it may be tough for adults to avoid.

Therefore, these are the two ways to prevent an infection. Stay safe!

- Nice concluding statement. - Reiterate why these two preventative actions are important though - Sample Sentence: Washing your hands and not touching your face are two very important ways to prevent the spread of COVID-19 because it helps stop the spread of germs. Stay Safe!

Article Edit: Let’s Avoid COVID-19 In order to avoid becoming infected with COVID-19, washing both hands thoroughly will help in stopping the spread of germs. It is necessary to wash both hands for at least 20 seconds. A good way to keep track of the time is by singing the alphabet! Another way to prevent the infection is to not touch your face, especially your mouth. It is important to avoid touching our faces even though it may be tough for adults to avoid. Washing your hands and not touching your face are two very important ways to prevent the spread of COVID-19 because it helps stop the spread of germs. Stay Safe!