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| − | + | To begin with, there are many ways listed in the text, but two ways specifically stood out. One way Earth day will be celebrated is, in California, people will sing an Earth Day song of their choice and post a short video of themselves on twitter using the hashtags #earthdaysingout or #earthdaysingoutdavis. Another way is that educators are hosting virtual events, they are also organizing tutorials to help students serve art for action against climate change. According to the text it states,"In California's Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with ''The Earth Day Sing Out.'' Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the suggested 30 songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020." Also in the text it states,"Some are hosting virtual events to teach recycling practices that students and families can easily adopt, while others are organizing tutorials to help students create posters and art advocating for action against climate change.'' In short, there are many ways the story reported how Earth Day is going to be celebrated but, two ways specifically stood out. | |
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| + | There are many events listed. I am writing about 2 new events. One new event is a Tokyo university has used robots for students to go to graduation while still at home. Another event is that they used Zoom for a virtual graduation. According to the text it states,'' Now, in what hailed as an ''Industry first", a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to ''attend'' their graduation ceremony without leaving home.'' Also in the text it states,"The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28,2020 started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting speech to the students attending via video conferencing platform Zoom.'' | ||
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Revision as of 01:25, 21 April 2020
Tenzin Gelek's Writing Page:
To begin with, there are many ways listed in the text, but two ways specifically stood out. One way Earth day will be celebrated is, in California, people will sing an Earth Day song of their choice and post a short video of themselves on twitter using the hashtags #earthdaysingout or #earthdaysingoutdavis. Another way is that educators are hosting virtual events, they are also organizing tutorials to help students serve art for action against climate change. According to the text it states,"In California's Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with The Earth Day Sing Out. Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the suggested 30 songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020." Also in the text it states,"Some are hosting virtual events to teach recycling practices that students and families can easily adopt, while others are organizing tutorials to help students create posters and art advocating for action against climate change. In short, there are many ways the story reported how Earth Day is going to be celebrated but, two ways specifically stood out.
There are many events listed. I am writing about 2 new events. One new event is a Tokyo university has used robots for students to go to graduation while still at home. Another event is that they used Zoom for a virtual graduation. According to the text it states, Now, in what hailed as an Industry first", a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home. Also in the text it states,"The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28,2020 started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting speech to the students attending via video conferencing platform Zoom.
Original Version:
There are many events listed. I am writing about 2 new events. One new event is a Tokyo university has used robots for students to go to graduation while still at home. Another event is that they used Zoom for a virtual graduation. According to the text it states, Now, in what hailed as an Industry first", a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home. Also in the text it states,"The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28,2020 started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting speech to the students attending via video conferencing platform Zoom.
Corrections:
There are many events listed in the text, two specifically stand out as different.
- I combined the first two sentences into one. I added “in the text” so the reader knows where the event list is. Also, spell out numerals in your paragraph. I also added, “stand out as different” to address the prompt more directly.
One new event takes place at a Tokyo university, where it will have robots go to the graduation ceremony in place of students who are still at home.
- I reworded parts of this sentence to provide the reader with more clarity.
According to the text, “in what hailed as an Industry first, a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.”
- The introductory clause to the quote was a bit clunky, so I deleted “it states.” You need to place quotation marks at the beginning and end of the quote.
The text also states, "The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting speech to the students attending via video conferencing platform Zoom.”
- I again reworded the introduction to the quote, as it was too wordy. I also added a quotation mark at the end of the sentence.
In conclusion, a university in Tokyo is holding a different kind of graduation ceremony through having robots attend for students who are stuck at home.
- You need a conclusion sentence, to summarize the main point of your paragraph. The sentence above is an example of a concluding statement you could use.
Overall, nice work! Make sure to use quotation marks around quotes, and to make your introductory clauses lead into your quotes so it sounds like a fluid sentence.
Final Version:
There are many events listed in the text, two specifically stand out as different. One new event takes place at a Tokyo university, where it will have robots go to the graduation ceremony in place of students who are still at home. According to the text, “in what hailed as an Industry first, a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to attend their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” The text also states, "The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28,2020 started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting speech to the students attending via video conferencing platform Zoom.” In conclusion, a university in Tokyo is holding a different kind of graduation ceremony through having robots attend for students who are stuck at home.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing. One good reason why you should practice social distancing is so you can limit the spread of COVID-19. A bad reason why you shouldn't practice social distancing is because even being 6 feet away can also spread germs. According to the text it states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing. In the text it also states,"Even standing 6 feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. I chose these quotes because they represent my answer. In short, there are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing but these are my negative and positive reasons.
Original Version:
There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing. One good reason why you should practice social distancing is so you can limit the spread of COVID-19. A bad reason why you shouldn't practice social distancing is because even being 6 feet away can also spread germs. According to the text it states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing. In the text it also states,"Even standing 6 feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. I chose these quotes because they represent my answer. In short, there are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing but these are my negative and positive reasons.
Corrections:
There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing.
- Good!
One good result of practicing social distancing is that it limits the spread of COVID-19.
- The “limiting the spread of COVID-19” is a result, not a reason, so I changed the word choice.
A bad result of practicing social distancing is that even being six feet away can also spread germs.
- I deleted the phrase “why you shouldn’t” as you are talking about the negative aspects of social distancing instead of convincing them not to do it. When writing, you should use the written form of numerals, so I changed it to “six.”
The text states, “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing.”
- You forgot to add a quotation mark at the end of the quote after the period, so I added one.
The text also states, “Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes.”
- You need to add quotation marks around the quote.
In short, there are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing
- I deleted the first sentence and the end of the second as it was in the third person. When writing a response, make sure not to write personal pronouns.
Final Version:
There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing. One good result of practicing social distancing is that it limits the spread of COVID-19. A bad result of practicing social distancing is that even being six feet away can also spread germs. The text states, “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing.” The text also states, “Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes.” In short, there are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing
Great work! Make sure to write in the third person, and proofread your sentences.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
J.K Rowling thinks it will help children explore the Wizarding Word while they're at home listening to the audio book of Harry Potter. She thinks it will help them understand what the book is about. She also thinks it will help kids have something to do. For example, kids can read the audio book then, answer questions. According to the text it states, Parents, Teachers and, Carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic, Rowling said as she announced the launch. Also in the text it states, Harry Potter at Home brings together a number of resources related to the international franchise, including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment of the series.
Original Version:
J.K Rowling thinks it will help children explore the Wizarding Word while they're at home listening to the audio book of Harry Potter. She thinks it will help them understand what the book is about. She also thinks it will help kids have something to do. For example, kids can read the audio book then, answer questions. According to the text it states, Parents, Teachers and, Carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic, Rowling said as she announced the launch. Also in the text it states, Harry Potter at Home brings together a number of resources related to the international franchise, including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment of the series.
Corrections:
J.K Rowling thinks her website will help children explore the Wizarding Word while they're at home. On her website, they can listen to the audiobook of Harry Potter. She thinks that listening to the audiobook it will help kids understand what the book is about.
- You have a good point, but you need to specify what “it” is. Because of this, I replaced “it” with “website” in the corrected sentence. I also broke the first sentence into two sentences, as it felt like two thoughts jammed together. Audiobook is one word, not two. In the last sentence, I again defined what it was, so it is clear to the reader.
She thinks that listening to the audiobook will help kids understand what the book is about.
- When you used “them” without identifying who “them” is, the reader doesn’t know who you are referring to, which is why I added “kids” to make this clear.
She also thinks it will help kids have something to do. For example, kids can read the audiobook then, answer questions.
- Good! The only correction I made is the spelling of audiobook.
According to the text, “Parents, Teachers and, Carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic,” Rowling said as she announced the launch.
- When quoting a text or person, use quotation marks around the words that are not your own. Otherwise, it can be mistaken for plagiarism.
Also, in the text, it states, “Harry Potter at Home brings together a number of resources related to the international franchise, including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment in the series.”
- I added s commas after “also” as there is a natural pause there, and a comma after “in the text” because it is an introductory phrase which needs a comma after it. Also, I added quotation marks because quotes need them to show that they are not your own words.
In conclusion, J.K. Rowling’s website will be a big help to kids stuck at home.
- Your conclusion would be stronger if you added a sentence summarizing your thoughts after the quote. So, I wrote an example of a conclusion you could use.
Final Version:
J.K Rowling thinks her website will help children explore the Wizarding Word while they're at home. On her website, they can listen to the audiobook of Harry Potter. She thinks that listening to the audiobook it will help kids understand what the book is about. She thinks that listening to the audiobook it will help kids understand what the book is about. She also thinks it will help kids have something to do. For example, kids can read the audio book then, answer questions. According to the text, “Parents, Teachers and, Carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic,” Rowling said as she announced the launch. Also, in the text, it states, “Harry Potter at Home brings together a number of resources related to the international franchise, including free access to the audiobook version of the first installment in the series.” In conclusion, J.K. Rowling’s website will be a big help to kids stuck at home.
Great work! Remember to use quotation marks when citing a text or another person.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
Source: https://www.cnn.com/2020/04/01/world/harry-potter-at-home-hub-jk-rowling-scli-intl-gbr/index.html
There are two ways of how postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations. One way is that it causes headaches and heartaches for people postponing the Olympics. According to the text it states,It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules, and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer. Another way is that almost everyone is getting intensifying pressure. Also in the text it states, Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe and IOC president Thomas Bach formally agreed to the decision Tuesday, amid intensifying pressure and public pleas for clarity from athletes and governing bodies. This proves that it also got public pleas from athletes and other governing bodies. In short, these are the two ways postponing the 2020 Olympics is causing negative situations.
Original Version:
There are two ways of how postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations. One way is that it causes headaches and heartaches for people postponing the Olympics. According to the text it states, Another way is that almost everyone is getting intensifying pressure. Also in the text it states, Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe and IOC president Thomas Bach formally agreed to the decision Tuesday, amid intensifying pressure and public pleas for clarity from athletes and governing bodies. This proves that it also got public pleas from athletes and other governing bodies. In short, these are the two ways postponing the 2020 Olympics is causing negative situations.
Corrections:
Postponing the 2020 Olympics has caused two negative situations.
- I edited the sentence for grammar and clarity. “two ways of how” sounded clunky. I think that the “two negative situations” is the subject.
One downside is that it has created headaches and heartaches for people involved in postponing the Olympics. According to the text, “almost everyone is getting intensifying pressure.”
- I edited deleted “one way” to one “downside” as you are describing what the problems are, not the ways that the problems were created. I also added quotation marks around the quoted material from the text, as otherwise it can be mistaken for plagiarism.
The text also states, “Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe and IOC president Thomas Bach formally agreed to the decision Tuesday, amid intensifying pressure and public pleas for clarity from athletes and governing bodies."
- I rephrased the introductory clause before the quote, to add a variety of word choice. Again, I added quotation marks to signify that you are using quotes from the text.
This proves that the postponement caused public pleas from athletes and other governing bodies.
- To be more specific, I said “this evidence proves that the postponement caused” so the reader knows what caused the public pleas, and etc.
In short, these are the two negative situations caused by the postponement of the 2020 Olympics.
- Strong conclusion! I edited the sentence for grammar.
Great work! Remember to use quotations, and make sure your word choice works effectively with the sentence.
Final Version:
Postponing the 2020 Olympics has caused two negative situations. One downside is that it has created headaches and heartaches for people involved in postponing the Olympics. According to the text, “almost everyone is getting intensifying pressure.” The text also states, “Japanese prime minister Shinzo Abe and IOC president Thomas Bach formally agreed to the decision Tuesday, amid intensifying pressure and public pleas for clarity from athletes and governing bodies." This proves that the postponement caused public pleas from athletes and other governing bodies. In short, these are the two negative situations caused by the postponement of the 2020 Olympics.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
