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Sish's Writing Page | Sish's Writing Page | ||
| − | + | ---I don't know what to put for a title -w- | |
| + | Two events that are stated in this article is that Japanese people are graduating online and robots are helping then celebrate remotely. In the text, it states," The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom." This shows the university president telling students about this online graduation. Furthermore, the text states," Each time a student's name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated 'New' me' avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap and shout-out their 'congratulations,' via a digital tablet attached to each New'me's head. Once Mr. Omae had placed the certificate on a rack, mounted on the New'me''s midsection, the beaming students remotely posed with him for an official graduation photo." This is how they are going to graduate and robots are going to help the teachers and staff to help the students graduate remotely which isn't that easy. To sum up, these are the two events that are stated in this article. | ||
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| + | I need help in explaining my quotes. If it's ok with you can you please help me out? Thanks- Sirasa | ||
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'''Original Draft''' | '''Original Draft''' | ||
Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy! | Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy! | ||
Revision as of 22:22, 16 April 2020
Sish's Writing Page
---I don't know what to put for a title -w-
Two events that are stated in this article is that Japanese people are graduating online and robots are helping then celebrate remotely. In the text, it states," The event, which was held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom." This shows the university president telling students about this online graduation. Furthermore, the text states," Each time a student's name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated 'New' me' avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap and shout-out their 'congratulations,' via a digital tablet attached to each New'me's head. Once Mr. Omae had placed the certificate on a rack, mounted on the New'mes midsection, the beaming students remotely posed with him for an official graduation photo." This is how they are going to graduate and robots are going to help the teachers and staff to help the students graduate remotely which isn't that easy. To sum up, these are the two events that are stated in this article.
I need help in explaining my quotes. If it's ok with you can you please help me out? Thanks- Sirasa
Original Draft Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy!
If a person wants to be an astronaut, they need requirements which are that the person should have experience at flying like planes. They also need to be social in order to be an astronaut. The article states," You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Like I said before, you need to have experience and these are examples of experiences you need to have to become an astronaut. You don't need to have experience in flying or engineering. You can have other experiences like computer science or mathematics. Furthermore, the text states," They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." Not only do you need to be social to be a NASA astronaut, but you also need to be independent and be a good leader. That's a lot in order to be a NASA astronaut, but there's even more! For example, being in good shape, you need good eyesight, you need a master's degree in STEM, and many more. It's not as easy as you think!
Corrections
Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy!
****"'This is an awesome title! I didn't change it at all. Great job!"'
If a person wants to be an astronaut, they need requirements which are that the person should have experience at flying like planes.
****"'Since this sentence isn't very introductory, I added some more introduction and, in a separate sentence, went ahead and added the quote from the article about planes."'
Being an astronaut is no easy task, but do you know all of NASA's requirements that an astronaut has to meet? NASA says that they "need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."
They also need to be social in order to be an astronaut.
****"'For this part, I sort of kept part of it, but then added in the quote from the article about teamwork."'
Being an astronaut also requires some social skills: "They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."
The article states," You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."
****"'This part would've been better after your first sentence, since it doesn't relate to being social. Since I already used this quote earlier though, I took it out here."'
Like I said before, you need to have experience and these are examples of experiences you need to have to become an astronaut.
****"'From reading this paragraph, the reader knows that these are examples of experience needed to become an astronaut. I removed this part because of that."'
You don't need to have experience in flying or engineering. You can have other experiences like computer science or mathematics.
****"'Here, I sort of rewrote the sentence and added in the quote about having a master's degree in STEM. Also, since the quote about flying already says other work experience is also accepted, I took the part about not needing experience flying a plane out."'
Furthermore, the text states," They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team."
****"'Since I already used this quote earlier, I took it out here."'
Not only do you need to be social to be a NASA astronaut, but you also need to be independent and be a good leader.
****"'This was basically already stated in the quote above, so I took this part out as well."'
That's a lot in order to be a NASA astronaut, but there's even more! For example, being in good shape, you need good eyesight, you need a master's degree in STEM, and many more.
****"'For this part, since we already mentioned the master's degree in STEM, I took that part out and just included the quote about the eyesight and being in good physical shape."'
On top of that, NASA requires that their Astronaut Candidates "also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape."
It's not as easy as you think!
****"'I kept this sentence, but I wrote some extra stuff for some more conclusion and used your part at the very end."'
Being an astronaut for NASA isn't all about rockets and space! A lot goes into being able to become an astronaut - it's not as easy as you might think!
Final Draft
Being an Astronaut Isn't That Easy!
Being an astronaut is no easy task, but do you know all of NASA's requirements that an astronaut has to meet? NASA says that they "need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." Being an astronaut also requires some social skills: "They must be good at working with other people – able to lead, and able to work as part of a team." You might think that you need an engineering degree, but you could get "a master's degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, and math)." So if engineering isn't your strong suit, don't worry! A master's degree in any STEM field is accepted. On top of that, NASA requires that their Astronaut Candidates "also need to have near-perfect eyesight and be in good physical shape." Being an astronaut for NASA isn't all about rockets and space! A lot goes into being able to become an astronaut - it's not as easy as you might think!
This was some good work! Just make sure you're not repeating yourself and the article by saying one thing and then adding the quote that says it again after it. Also, be mindful of the order that you put your quotes - if your quote doesn't match with the sentence you wrote before it, it won't make much sense. Just read back over your work when you finish and it'll help you avoid easy mistakes. Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris
Original Draft Who'll win this fight?"
The two opposing sides are Mayor De Blasio and Governor Cuomo. In the text, it states," It’s likely the mayor’s decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so. If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children." This is Mayor De Blasio's side and he's talking about how NYC schools will shut down for the rest of the year. Furthermore, in the text, it states," 'There has been no decision. That’s the mayor’s opinion. I value it,' Cuomo said. 'But the decision will be coordinated.' " This shows the other side which is Governor Cuomo's side. He's saying that it's not a hundred percent confirmed and that that was only Mayor De Blasio's opinion. Therefore, these are the two opposing sides in this article.
Corrections
Who'll win this fight?"
****"'Nice title! However, I wouldn't describe what's happening between the mayor and the governor as a fight. Instead, maybe some sort of tense disagreement."'
Tensions rise between NYC mayor, Bill de Blasio, and Governor Andrew Cuomo
The two opposing sides are Mayor De Blasio and Governor Cuomo.
****"'Okay, for this sentence, we need a little more context. Assume that the reader is from Mars - who are these people? Where are they from? What are they disagreeing about? We need to know what happened first before we go into the fact that they disagree. For this reason, I added the context and an extra sentence to show that Cuomo has an opposing opinion instead of explicitly saying it."'
On Saturday, Mayor de Blasio of New York City announced that the city's schools will not be reopening for the rest of the school year. However, this didn't seem to go over well with New York's governor, Andrew Cuomo, who called this announcement "premature".
In the text, it states," It’s likely the mayor’s decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so. If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children."
****"'For this part, I kept the quote, but I broke it up so that it would be in two separate sentences. This way, it's easier to read and easier to identify the reasoning for the mayor's decision as well as the negative consequences of his decision."'
Still, the text says that "It's likely the mayor's decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so." Unfortunately, the text also says that "If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children."
This is Mayor De Blasio's side and he's talking about how NYC schools will shut down for the rest of the year.
****"'Since Mayor de Blasio himself did not say this, I took this part out. Also, note that his last name is "de Blasio", not "De Blasio" (the "de" is not capitalized)."'
Furthermore, in the text, it states," 'There has been no decision. That’s the mayor’s opinion. I value it,' Cuomo said. 'But the decision will be coordinated.' "
****"'In this part, I added some more context as for why the mayor wishes to keep schools closed before adding the governor's take on this wish."'
Mayor de Blasio explains that schools remaining closed "is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,", but Governor Cuomo says that "There has been no decision. That's the mayor's opinion. I value it," and that "the decision will be coordinated."
This shows the other side which is Governor Cuomo's side. He's saying that it's not a hundred percent confirmed and that that was only Mayor De Blasio's opinion.
****"'Since we have a quote from the governor that clearly expresses that this is his side, we don't need to say that this shows his side. Because of this, I took the first sentence out. I also took out the second sentence because the reader can tell what Cuomo is saying by reading the quote, so we don't need to restate it."'
Therefore, these are the two opposing sides in this article.
****"' The prompt for this article wasn't to identify how many opposing sides there are but to identify what they are instead. Because of this, I reworded this sentence."'
As for now, the opposing views between Mayor de Blasio and Governor Cuomo remain.
Final Draft
Tensions rise between NYC mayor, Bill de Blasio, and Governor Andrew Cuomo
On Saturday, Mayor de Blasio of New York City announced that the city's schools will not be reopening for the rest of the school year. However, this didn't seem to go over well with New York's governor, Andrew Cuomo, who called this announcement "premature". Still, the text says that "It's likely the mayor's decision will ultimately stick, as public health officials and the governor himself have warned against rushing back to normal before it is safe to do so." Unfortunately, the text also says that "If school buildings stay closed, about a third of the 2019-20 academic year will have been spent at home, an unprecedented undertaking that could have long-term consequences on the academic achievement and social-emotional well being of children." Mayor de Blasio explains that schools remaining closed "is a way to contribute to finally beating back the coronavirus,", but Governor Cuomo says that "There has been no decision. That's the mayor's opinion. I value it," and that "the decision will be coordinated." As for now, the opposing views between Mayor de Blasio and Governor Cuomo remain.
This was a pretty good paragraph, you have really great potential and I can tell that you're a good writer! I think as long as you learn from your mistakes and take my comments and corrections into consideration, you'll improve quickly! Keep up the good work! Edited by Lainey Morris
'Eastern Tiger Salamanders, Once Nearly Gone from Maryland, Make a Comeback
Two reasons why the Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is because they are one of the first species and important to the ecosystem. In the text it states," ' Salamanders are one of the first species many of us encounter as kids,' noted Scott McDaniel, director of the Susquehannock Wildlife Society in Darlington. 'Their seemingly smiling faces and bright colors excite the imagination as you flip a rock over or roll a log to find such a unique treasure hiding underneath.' ” As you can see these Eastern Tiger Salamanders ate one of the first species. Scott McDaniel said that they have smiling faces and that their bright colors excite us. Furthermore, the text states, "Like other amphibians, tiger salamanders are important to the ecosystem because they are predators to smaller organisms and prey for larger creatures. Since they partially breathe through their skin and require wetlands to breed, lay eggs and develop in their larval stages, they are indicators of a healthy habitat." This shows how important that salamander is and it made a comeback to Maryland c. Therefore, these are two reasons why the Eastern Tiger Salamander is reappearing in Maryland.
" A REAL MOON?"
Super moons are different from the regular moons we see because they are brighter and bigger. In the text of how they are bigger, it states," Supermoons, which are usually about seven percent bigger." This is proof of how a supermoon is bigger. It is bigger than the regular moons we see. Furthermore, for how a supermoon is brighter the text states," ...and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon." As you can see, this is also proof of how a supermoon is brighter than regular moons. Therefore, this is how Supermoons are different than regular moons.
" SOCIAL DISTANCING" The negative reason for practicing social distancing is that it might be hard since when you get on a train, for example, there's a lot of people and the positive reason is that you won't get sick or catch the coronavirus. For the negative reason, the text states, "Both Hota and Rousseau know it can be difficult to keep away from others in some situations, such as on public transportation or elevators. Going to the bank or grocery store can also be hard. In these cases, social distancing means simply doing the best you can." This means that it can be difficult to stay 6 feet apart because there are so many people like I said before." Next, for the positive reason, the text states, "To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, social distancing involves 'avoiding mass gatherings' and 'maintaining distance' whenever possible." This means that social distancing helps because it helps limit the virus and if you don't do social distancing, you might as well have the flu and, who knows, maybe you might have the virus!
"A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC GOES A LONG WAY!"
JK Rowling thinks that children will take an interest in her new webpage and she thinks that they will have fun. In the text, it states," Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic." This shows that JK Rowling's webpage is working to keep children interested. The text also states," 'Harry Potter' author JK Rowling has launched an online Potter hub to keep children educated and entertained during the coronavirus pandemic." This is another way of saying that she thinks children will have fun in her new webpage. Therefore, this is how JK Rowling thinks that her webpage will help children.
" POSTPONING OLYMPICS?!"
Two ways that postponing the 2020 Olympics are causing negative situations is that’s this was the first time that the Olympics have been suspended and it causes headaches and heartaches. In the text, it states,” It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules, and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer.” This shows that people have these aches for only postponing the 2020 Olympics. Furthermore, the text states,” While the Olympics have previously been canceled during periods of war, and complicated by boycotts, this is the first time they have ever been suspended.” This shows that the Olympics were suspended. Therefore, these are negative effects when they postponed the Olympics 2020
" IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES"
Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun is indoor snowball Dungeons and Dragons. In the text, for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together. through Skype or Zoom. In the text for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together." I personally think this seems fun because it would feel like winter and we didn't get that much snow this year so it would be amazing to play that activity. Furthermore, for Dungeons & Dragons, the text states," It shares elements with childhood games of make-believe. Like those games, D&D is driven by imagination. It’s about picturing the towering castle beneath the stormy night sky and imagining how a fantasy adventurer might react to the challenges that scene presents." This sounds really fun and I love games that can use your imagination. To sum up, I think these two activities seem fun to me.
" HOW DO YOU LEARN?"
Some ways students can learn best while studying online is that they are most likely to complete a course and their learning is more effective. In the text, it states," Our research shows that learners who participate in the discussion forums are 37% more likely to complete a course." This shows that when they're at home, students can complete a course more easily and quicker. Furthermore, the text states," It’s easier to recall information if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so having a dedicated space at home to take online courses can make your learning more effective." Since students are at home, you can make yourself comfortable and your learning is more effective with that. In conclusion, online classes help students with their grades and that was some ways students can learn best while studying online.
" LET'S AVOID COVID-19"
In order to avoid becoming infected by the COVID-19 virus, some ways we should prevent infection is to wash your hands thoroughly so you won't get any germs. The text states, "...and how to properly wash their hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds." This means that we should ALWAYS wash our hands and wash it for 20 seconds which can also help if you sing the alphabet in your head. Furthermore, another way in order to prevent infection is to not touch your face anywhere! Don't touch your mouth especially. In the text, O'Leary states, "I saw that our guidance from AAP has something about teaching children not to touch their face and you know, I can picture trying to do that with a 3-year-old. It’s hard enough to get adults not to touch their faces. So you do your best.” This tells you that no one should touch their face and it's even tough for adults to not touch their face either. Therefore, these are the two ways to prevent an infection. Stay safe!
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- SVA - Subject Verb Agreement
Where’s your Title? Sample Title: It’s All Fun and Games
Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun is indoor snowball Dungeons and Dragons.
- SVA: Activities is a plural noun, so instead of using “is” which is singular, you should use “are” - Sample sentence: Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun are indoor snowball and Dungeons and Dragons.
In the text, for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together. through Skype or Zoom. - Typo/ Unnecessary period. “...together(.) through Skype or Zoom - No need to reference the text. Just state in your own why these games might be fun. - Sample Sentence: Indoor snowball seems fun because there’s no need to go outside, and I can play with my friends through Skype or Zoom.
In the text for indoor snowball, it states," This 30-piece snowball kit is sure to get kids pelting soft snowballs at one another, while also running and laughing together."
-Duplicate Sentence. Unnecessary
I personally think this seems fun because it would feel like winter and we didn't get that much snow this year so it would be amazing to play that activity.
- Good, just minor stylistic changes made to your sentence. Maybe tie this in with your previous sentence - Sample Sentence: Indoor snowball seems fun because there’s no need to go outside, and I can play with my friends through Skype or Zoom. It would feel like winter, and since we didn’t get that much snow this year, it would be amazing to play.
Furthermore, for Dungeons & Dragons, the text states," It shares elements with childhood games of make-believe. Like those games, D&D is driven by imagination. It’s about picturing the towering castle beneath the stormy night sky and imagining how a fantasy adventurer might react to the challenges that scene presents."
- No need to reference the text. Just state in your own words why you think D&D might be fun - Sample Sentence: Dungeons & Dragons relies on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because ________________ (your own reason)
This sounds really fun and I love games that can use your imagination.
-Tie this sentence to the previous sentence to create your “reason” for why it sounds really fun -Sample Sentence: Dungeons & Dragons relies on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because that means there are a lot of different ways to play it.
To sum up, I think these two activities seem fun to me.
- Your concluding sentence is lacking the reason why these activities might seem fun to you. - Sample Sentence: These two activities will keep me occupied and will provide a lot of fun times!
Article Edited: It’s All Fun and Games
Two activities that seem like they would be the most fun are indoor snowball and Dungeons and Dragons. Indoor snowball seems fun because there’s no need to go outside, and I can play with my friends through Skype or Zoom. It would feel like winter, and since we didn’t get that much snow this year, it would be amazing to play. Dungeons & Dragons rely on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because that means there are a lot of different ways to play it. Dungeons & Dragons rely on the player’s imagination, and it sounds really fun because that means there are a lot of different ways to play it. _______________________________________________________
Where’s your title? - Sample Title: How Do You Learn?
Some ways students can learn best while studying online is that they are most likely to complete a course and their learning is more effective.
- The idea of your sentence is lost. - Are you trying to make the point that online studying is best because productivity is more effective? OR - Are you trying to emphasize the different ways to best learn online - Sample Sentence: Students who study online are most likely to complete a course and their learning becomes more effective.
In the text, it states," Our research shows that learners who participate in the discussion forums are 37% more likely to complete a course." - State this is in your own words. - Sample Sentence: Students who contribute to online discussion forums are 37% more likely to finish a course.
This shows that when they're at home, students can complete a course more easily and quicker. - No need for “This shows that”, It enables redundancy - Sample Sentence: When they’re at home, students can complete a course faster and easier.
Furthermore, the text states," It’s easier to recall information if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so having a dedicated space at home to take online courses can make your learning more effective."
- Paraphrase what the text states - Sample Sentence: Information is easier to remember if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so being able to learn from home enables that familiar space.
Since students are at home, you can make yourself comfortable and your learning is more effective with that.
- Parallel structures are lost with the nouns of the sentence - “Students” does not equal “you”, Instead use “they” to refer back to the students - Sample Sentence: Since the students are at home, they can make themselves comfortable and their learning becomes more effective.
In conclusion, online classes help students with their grades and that was some ways students can learn best while studying online.
- No need for the “in conclusion” since it is already your concluding thought. - Grammatical typo: “and that was some ways” - Reiterate your concluding point in a more cohesive way. - Sample Sentence: Because of the opportunity that online learning gives with the familiarity of space, online classes can help students with their grades and therefore with their learning.
Article edited How Do You Learn?
Students who study online are most likely to complete a course and their learning becomes more effective. Students who contribute to online discussion forums are 37% more likely to finish a course. When they’re at home, students can complete a course faster and easier. Information is easier to remember if you’re in the same place where you first learned it, so being able to learn from home enables that familiar space. Since the students are at home, they can make themselves comfortable and their learning becomes more effective. Because of the opportunity that online learning gives with the familiarity of space, online classes can help students with their grades and therefore with their learning.
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Where’s your title? Sample Title: Let’s Avoid COVID-19
In order to avoid becoming infected by the COVID-19 virus, some ways we should prevent infection is to wash your hands thoroughly so you won't get any germs. - Good, edited for stylistic preferences - Sample Sentence: In order to avoid becoming infected with COVID-19, washing both hands thoroughly will help in stopping the spread of germs.
The text states, "...and how to properly wash their hands with soap and water for at least 20 seconds."
This means that we should ALWAYS wash our hands and wash it for 20 seconds which can also help if you sing the alphabet in your head.
- Tie the two sentences together - Sample Sentence: It is necessary to wash both hands for at least 20 seconds. A good way to keep track of the time is by singing the alphabet!
Furthermore, another way in order to prevent infection is to not touch your face anywhere! Don't touch your mouth especially.
- Good. Combine the sentences to create a more solid point. - Sample Sentence: Another way to prevent the infection is to not touch your face, especially your mouth.
In the text, O'Leary states, "I saw that our guidance from AAP has something about teaching children not to touch their face and you know, I can picture trying to do that with a 3-year-old. It’s hard enough to get adults not to touch their faces. So you do your best.”
This tells you that no one should touch their face and it's even tough for adults to not touch their face either.
- Tie these two sentences together - Sample Sentence: It is important to avoid touching our faces even though it may be tough for adults to avoid.
Therefore, these are the two ways to prevent an infection. Stay safe!
- Nice concluding statement. - Reiterate why these two preventative actions are important though - Sample Sentence: Washing your hands and not touching your face are two very important ways to prevent the spread of COVID-19 because it helps stop the spread of germs. Stay Safe!
Article Edit: Let’s Avoid COVID-19 In order to avoid becoming infected with COVID-19, washing both hands thoroughly will help in stopping the spread of germs. It is necessary to wash both hands for at least 20 seconds. A good way to keep track of the time is by singing the alphabet! Another way to prevent the infection is to not touch your face, especially your mouth. It is important to avoid touching our faces even though it may be tough for adults to avoid. Washing your hands and not touching your face are two very important ways to prevent the spread of COVID-19 because it helps stop the spread of germs. Stay Safe!
