The World for Freedom

Revision as of 20:50, 22 June 2020

Tedh's Writing Page

April 2
Harry Potter author JK Rowling has launched an online Potter hub to keep children educated and entertained during the coronavirus pandemic.parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we’re on lockdown might need a bit of magic “Rowling said as she announced the launch.

April 3

One negative thing about participating social distancing is is you have to stay 6 feet away from people so that means you can not go near your friends but the proactive part is that you wont get the coved 19

April 4

Super moons are differnt from the regular moon.One way a super moon is different from a regular is Because a super moon is closer to the earth the regular moon.Another way the super moon is different from the normal moon is because the super moon is bigger and brighter than the regular moon that is why the regular moon and The super moon are differnnt.

Edits:

Super moons are differnt from the regular moon.
- Edited for spelling; Super moons are different from the regular moon.

One way a super moon is different from a regular is Because a super moon is close to the earth the regular moon.
- I like that your sentences fit with your opening sentence! Try to read each sentence out loud to make sure that you don't accidentally leave out words when you type.
- Edited for spelling, grammar, and capitalization; One way a super moon is different from a regular moon is that a super moon is closer to Earth compared to the regular moon.

Another way the super moon is different from the normal moon is because the super moon is bigger and briter than the regular moon and that is why the regular moon and The super moon are differnnt.
- You stated a fact and concluded the paragraph is the same sentence, so I am separating them into two. I am switching up the wording so that it means the same thing, but doesn't say the word "different" because it is in every other sentence. You did a great job staying on task and only writing relevant information!
Edited for spelling, grammar, and capitalization; Another way the super moon is different from the regular moon is that it is also bigger and brighter. In conclusion, that is why the super moon and regular moon cannot be classified as the same.

Overall, nice job following the structure and staying on task within the paragraph. The main things to work on for next time are minor spelling issues. If a word has a red line underneath it after you type, then it is a good idea to check the spelling. Great job!

Thanks

Fully Edited Version:

Super moons are different from the regular moon. One way a super moon is different from a regular moon is that a super moon is closer to Earth compared to the regular moon. Another way the super moon is different from the regular moon is that it is also bigger and brighter. In conclusion, that is why the super moon and regular moon cannot be classified as the same.

Edited by Grace Drake

Edit Super moons are different from the regular moon. One way a super moon is different from a regular moon is that a super moon is closer to earth compared to the regular moon.Another way the super moon is different from the regular moon is that it is also bigger and brighter.I conclusion, that Is why the super moon and the regular moon cannot be classified as the same

April 15

All of the people who enter the program are most likely not able to become a astronaut .In the text it says that to many people are wanting to become a astronaut so the they made up a plan were that if you join the program you cannot not join the astronaut thingy and 12000 people want to become a astronaut.

Edits:

All of the people who enter the program are most likely not able to become a astronaut.
- I would switch around the wording a bit so it says "not all people are able" instead of "all people are not able". Also, be sure to specify which program!
- Edited for word choice and grammar; Not all people who enter a program at NASA are able to become an astronaut.

In the text it says that to many people are wanting to become a astronaut so the they made up a plan were that if you join the program you cannot not join the astronaut thingy and 12000 people want to become a astronaut.
- I am a bit unclear on the meaning of this sentence. I am shortening it to pull out some of the facts, and if my meaning is not correct you can go back and change the words so it fits with what the article says. Here would be a great place for a direct quote!
- Edited for word choice and grammar; In the text it says that around 12,000 people want to become an astronaut, which is too many, so if you join the program you have to finish it.

This was a great start, but could use one more fact sentence and a conclusion. The second sentence was a bit of a run on, so if you notice your sentences getting long, reread them and see if you can break them up into easier to understand chunks.

Fully Edited Version:

Not all people who enter a program at NASA are able to become an astronaut. In the text it says that around 12,000 people want to become an astronaut, which is too many, so if you join the program you have to finish it.

Edited by Grace Drake

Edit Not all people who enter a program at NASA are able to become an astronaut. In the text it says that around 12,000 people want to become an astronaut, which is to many, so if you join the program you have to finish it. April 16

This graduation and other graduations are different in Tokyo because of the corona virus people can not go to school to graduate so this guy named professor Shugo YanaKa came up with a avatar graduation ceremony The event which was held at Tokyo’s Hotel grand palace on March 28,2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting Commencement speech to the students attending Via Video conferencing platform zoom .Then began the virtual graduation ceremony.

Edits:

This graduation and other graduations are different in Tokyo because of the corona virus people can not go to school to graduate so this guy named professor Shugo Yanaka came up with a avatar graduation ceremony
- This sentence is a little long, so we can break it up into two. To sound more official, we should call the coronavirus "COVID-19", because that is its scientific name. Also, don't forget to capitalize words like "professor" if it is somebody's title!
- Edited for word choice and grammar; Graduations are different in Tokyo due to COVID-19. People cannot go to school to graduate, so Professor Shugo Yanaka came up with an avatar graduation ceremony.

The event which was held at Tokyo's Hotel grand palace on March 28,2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting Commencement speech to the students while attending Via Video conferencing platform zoom.
- Hotel names and company names should be capitalized. This was a good fact choice! This is a lot of info to pack into one sentence and the grammar can be very tricky to navigate, so breaking this up into smaller sentences will make it easier. Any fact that adds detail but is not the main point can be put in commas such as "held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace".
- Edited for capitalization, word choice, and grammar; The event, held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, began with an uplifting Commencement speech delivered to students by Kenichi Omae, president of the university, via video conferencing platform Zoom.

Then began the virtual graduation ceremony.
- I am just switching the wording around to put this sentence into active voice, which means the subject, "virtual graduation ceremony", comes before the action, "began".
- Edited for syntax; Then, the virtual graduation ceremony began.

You did a nice job! Your second sentence required some more commas, so next time if you have a long sentence, read it out loud and see where you naturally pause. That trick helps me figure out where to place them. You can also always break them up into smaller sentences with a bit less detail, and then expand in the next sentence.

Fully Edited Version:

Graduations are very different in Tokyo due to COVID-19. People cannot go to school to graduate, so Professor Shugo Yanaka came up with an avatar graduation ceremony. The event, held at Tokyo's Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, began with an uplifting Commencement speech delivered to students by Kenichi Omae, president of the university, via video conferencing platform Zoom. Then, the virtual graduation ceremony began.

Edited by Grace Drake

Edit Graduations are very different in Tokyo due to the COVID-19. People cannot go to school to graduate, so professor Shugo Yanaka came up with a avatar graduation ceremony. The event, held at Tokyo’s Hotel Grand Palace an March 28, 2020, began with an uplifting commencement speech delivered to students by Kenichi Omae, president of the University, Via Video conferencing platform Zoom. Then, the virtual graduation ceremony began.

April 17

Willam achieved many goals one goal is helping giving poor people food he persuaded his brother alaxander food drive Many children, not just William and his brother, still help make Food drive Kids’ food drive a success.

Edits:

Willam achieved many goals one goal is helping giving poor people food he persuaded his brother alaxander food drive Many children, not just William and his brother, still help make Food drive Kids’ food drive a success.
- This is a good start, but we can split this up into a few sentences. Try to make sure that you are sticking to the RACE structure, and if you need help with that just type your questions in on this page!

Here is how I would have split this up into different sentences:
William achieved many goals. One goal is helping others by giving food to people in need. He persuaded his brother, Alexander, to help with the food drive. Many children including William and Alexander still help make the food drive a success.

Edited by Grace Drake

April 20 The article report’s that earth day will be celebrated at the date 4/24/2020 and people are buying plant’s and planting them in cups or jars also we are not allowed to go outside because of the COVID-19.

Edits: The article report’s that earth day will be celebrated at the date 4/24/2020 and people are buying plant’s and planting them in cups or jars also we are not allowed to go outside because of the COVID-19.
- Once again, good start. Try to make sure that you are hitting four sentences each time, so we can work with them!
- Edited for punctuation, word choice, and grammar; The article reports that Earth Day will be celebrated on 4/24/2020. People are buying plants, and planting them in cups or jars to celebrate the holiday while at home. People need to celebrate at home due to COVID-19.

You choose great facts, and this sentence can be split up into three. The only additional information you would need is a quick introduction sentence and conclusion sentence. I will add an introduction and conclusion in the final so you can see an example."

Fully Edited Version:

Earth Day is a holiday that will need to be celebrated differently this year. The article reports that Earth Day will be celebrated on 4/24/2020. People are buying plants, and planting them in cups or jars to celebrate the holiday while at home. People need to celebrate at home due to COVID-19. In conclusion, Earth Day will need to be celebrated in a way that people can do from home.

Edited by Grace Drake

April 22

The Maryland are helping seniors. In the article it says that. Kraft, a retired has been sheltering at home during the coronavirus outbreak, unable to shop for himself. He is also raising his grandchild who is severely handicapped. Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it home to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found teens helping seniors. Soon, Matthew Casertanoand Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag of full of groceries.

Edits:

The Maryland are helping seniors.
- I would specify that teens are helping the seniors.
- Edited for word choice; A group of Maryland teens are helping seniors.

In the article it says that. Kraft, a retired has been sheltering at home during the coronavirus outbreak, unable to shop for himself. He is also raising his grandchild who is severely handicapped. Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it home to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found teens helping seniors.

- I am not exactly sure how much of this passage is a direct quote from the article. Make sure to use quotation marks around quoted lines!
- Edited for punctuation; In the article it says, "Kraft, a retired has been sheltering at home during the coronavirus outbreak, unable to shop for himself. He is also raising his grandchild who is severely handicapped. Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it home to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found teens helping seniors."

Soon, Matthew Casertanoand Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag of full of groceries.
- I'm not sure if this is quoted from the text or not, so I am varying the wording a little so it can count as paraphrasing.
- Edited for word choice; Two teens from the program, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai, decided to help him by bringing a bag of groceries to his door.

This was a good start, and for next time, don't forget the conclusion sentence! You should start the final sentence with a phrase like, "therefore" or "in conclusion", in order to wrap up your paragraph.

Fully Edited Version

A group of Maryland teens are helping seniors. In the article it says, "Kraft, a retired has been sheltering at home during the coronavirus outbreak, unable to shop for himself. He is also raising his grandchild who is severely handicapped. Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it home to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found teens helping seniors." Two teens from the program, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai, decided to help him by bringing a bag of groceries to his door.

Edited by Grace Drake

April 23

One way you can help the earth is instead of the throwing a bottle away in the trash bin, you can turn it into a telescope or a flower pot were you can put your flower in. Also before you throw something, away think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed.

Edits:

One way you can help the earth is instead of the throwing a bottle away in the trash bin, you can turn it into a telescope or a flower pot were you can put your flower in.
- In this case, "Earth" should be capitalized. Nice job with the comma placement!
- Edited for capitalization and syntax; Instead of throwing a bottle away in a trash bin, you can turn it into a telescope or flowerpot in order to help the Earth.

Also before you throw something, away think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed.
- There should be a comma after "also" and "away". You had the right idea with adding a comma in this sentence, but it is just shifted over one word!
- Edited for punctuation; Also, before you throw something away, think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed.

These two sentences would fit inside of a paragraph perfectly. You are missing an introduction and conclusion, so I will add a sample intro and conclusion in the final version. Great start!

Fully Edited Version:

Helping the Earth is easy if you change simple habits. Instead of throwing a bottle away in a trash bin, you can turn it into a telescope or flowerpot in order to help the Earth. Also, before you throw something away, think about whether it can be recycled or repurposed. In conclusion, you can help the environment from home.

Edited by Grace Drake

April 24

Lots of things happen when you sleep lots of things happen when you sleep. I am going to tell you what your brain does when you are sleeping. When you are sleeping your body starts to Grow a little inch by inch. Also also if you at least get 8 hours of sleep you might start getting better grades than usual if you usually get a’s you will probably get an a plus. So basically if you get enough sleep your body and mind will get better.

Edits:

Lots of things happen when you sleep lots of things happen when you sleep.
- The same sentence is repeated twice. To make the language sound more formal, I am changing "lots of things" to "many things".
- Edited for word choice; Many things happen when you sleep.

I am going to tell you what your brain does when you are sleeping.
- We can omit this sentence, because you will still have the four sentences you need without it. Also, the introduction will tell the reader what they are about to learn.

When you are sleeping your body starts to Grow a little inch by inch.
- I like the language in this sentence! If you left the wording like this, you would need a few more commas. I am rearranging it so we will only need one.
- Edited for syntax; Inch by inch, your body begins to grow slowly while you are sleeping.

Also also if you at least get 8 hours of sleep you might start getting better grades than usual if you usually get a’s you will probably get an a plus.
- This is a great fact, but we just need to make the language a bit more formal. Watch out for repeated words!
- Edited for word choice; Also, you are more likely to earn better grades if you get at least 8 hours of sleep per night, and maybe even a A+.

So basically if you get enough sleep your body and mind will get better.
- This is a great start to a conclusion! I would remove the "so" at the beginning to make the language more formal.
- Edited for word choice and punctuation; Basically, getting enough sleep leads to a better functioning mind and body.

Great job! This was a big improvement.

Fully Edited Version:

Many things happen when you sleep. Inch by inch, your body begins to grow slowly while you are sleeping. Also, you are more likely to earn better grades if you get at least 8 hours of sleep per night, and maybe even an A+. Basically, getting enough sleep leads to a better functioning mind and body.

Edited by Grace Drake Thank you!

April 29

The youngest princess got the most pleasure of all things. One reason Is because there was 6 children and the youngest one was the prettiest of all; her skin was as soft as an delicate as a rose leaf, her eyes as blue as the deepest sea, but like all the others she ha don feet, instead of legs she had a fish’s tail.

April 30

There are many differences between the buckwheat and the old willow tree. One difference is that the old willow tree is much much more older than the buckwheat. Because in the story it buckwheat says “you old willow tree” “Your so old your growing grass on your trunk”. And that’s why I think that is one difference between them two.

Edits:

There are many differences between the buckwheat and the old willow tree.
- Great sentence!

One difference is that the old willow tree is much much more older than the buckwheat.
- Again, nice job.

Because in the story it buckwheat says “you old willow tree” “Your so old your growing grass on your trunk”.
- These quotes are good! I don't think that the word "buckwheat" is meant to be there."
- Edited for word choice and grammar; In the story it says, "you old willow tree", and, "You're so old you're growing grass on your trunk."

And that’s why I think that is one difference between them two.
- Nice conclusion! However, sentences typically should not start with "and", and it is good to specify the tree types in order to directly answer the question that your introduction poses.
- Edited for grammar; In conclusion, I believe that is one major difference between the buckwheat and the old willow tree.

Overall, nice work!

Fully Edited Version:

There are many differences between the buckwheat and the old willow tree. One difference is that the old willow tree is much more older than the buckwheat. In the story it says, "you old willow tree", and "You're so old you're growing grass on your trunk." In conclusion, I believe that is one major difference between the buckwheat and the old willow tree.

Edited by Grace Drake

May 1

The burdock wasn’t the nicest tree in the family because the burdock tree let the white snail Live on him but the trees didnt let the white snails live on them.

Edits:

The burdock wasn’t the nicest tree in the family because the burdock tree let the white snail Live on him but the trees didnt let the white snails live on them.
- Great start! We can try to split this up into a few different sentences.
- Edited for word choice and grammar; The burdock was not the nicest tree in the family. For example, the burdock tree let the white snail love on him. However, the other trees did not let the white snails live on them.

Nice effort! Next time, try to hit the four sentence goal

Edited by Grace Drake

May 6

The soapsuds were used for for cleaning caterpillars for caterpillars the smell stinks or reeks because some of the caterpillars die or pass out and in the article or the story it says that people hate them and caterpillars are saying that not humans or birds or other animals a caterpillar.

The soapsuds were used for for cleaning caterpillars for caterpillars the smell stinks or reeks because some of the caterpillars die or pass out and in the article or the story it says that people hate them and caterpillars are saying that not humans or birds or other animals a caterpillar.
- Again, this one sentence can be broken up so it hits the four sentence structure. Try to use the RACE structure each time! I'm not exactly sure what the second half of the sentence means, and whether people hate the soapsuds or the caterpillars. If you reply clarifying that, I can turn this into a four sentence example if you need to see another one!

May 7 The treasurer can be only be gained in one way the one way is to look at who can jump the highest. For example in the story the king said whoever jumps the highest will gain the prize and the frog won by doing nothing for some strange reason.

Edits:

The treasurer can be only be gained in one way the one way is to look at who can jump the highest.
- I think you meant to say "treasure" instead of "treasurer"! This sentence can be split into two in order to fulfill the R and A in the RACE structure!
- Edited for grammar and word choice; The treasure can only be obtained in one way. The person who can jump the highest will win it.

For example in the story the king said whoever jumps the highest will gain the prize and the frog won by doing nothing for some strange reason.
- If you use a transition phrase like, "for example", a comma always comes after! We can clean this up and make the language a bit more formal by using commas before you present a new idea in the sentence.
- Edited for grammar and word choice; For example, the king in the story declared that whoever jumps the highest will win a prize, but instead, the frog won by doing nothing.

This was a good start. Like before, try to hit the four sentences each time, even if you're not too sure what to say. We can work with them regardless! I'm sorry I have been MIA, unfortunately I was sick, but I'll be back to editing everything on time.

Fully Edited Version:

The treasure can only be obtained in one way. The person who can jump the highest will win it. For example, the king in the story declared that whoever jumps the highest will win a prize, but instead, the frog won by doing nothing.

Edited by Grace Drake Ok

May 19

The fern sang in the story. The fern has a good voice. In the story the fleece sang a song the reason the fleece sang is to show his sadness and I’m not talking about the Golden Fleece that Jason and the Aragon’s got.

Edits:

The fern sang in the story.
- Good opening!

The fern has a good voice.
- Nice!

In the story the fleece sang a song the reason the fleece sang is to show his sadness and I'm not talking about the Golden Fleece that Jason and the Aragon's got.
- There should be a comma after "in the story". We can shorten this sentence a bit by omitting the ending, because if the reader read the story they would know which one you are talking about.
- Edited for grammar; In the story, the fleece sang a song in order to show his sadness.

All you need for next time is a conclusion statement.

Fully Edited Version:
The fern sang in the story. The fern has a good voice. In the story, the fleece sang a song in order to show his sadness.

May 21

The sick girl saw something outside of her window. What she saw is a pean blossom that her father had planted before he passed away and then the little girl got cured or she got healthier or some strange reason.

Edits:

The sick girl saw something outside of her window.
- Good!

What she saw is a pean blossom that her father planted before he passed away and then the little girl got cured or she got healthier for some strange reason.
- Did you mean pea blossom? I can turn this into two sentences because you present two different ideas here.
= Edited for grammar and word choice; What she saw was a pea blossom that her father planted before he passed away. After that, the little girl was cured and became healthier.

Once again, all you need is a conclusion! Nice job.

Fully Edited Version:
The sick girl saw something outside of her window. What she saw was a pea blossom that her father planted before he passed away. After that, the little girl was cured and became healthier.

Edited by Grace Drake

May 22

The mother wanted her children to fly. In the story it says the mother stork wanted to teach her children to fly first reason the mother stork is because she didn’t want her children to be eaten and the second reason is because birds need to migrate and storks are a type of bird.

May 27

So we can understand who is more useful the rooster or the weather and from what i see in the text i think its the weather rooster because it can tell the weather.

June 1

Great Claus took away little clauses horse. The reason why Great Claus took away Little Clauses horse is because little Claus had only 1 horse and Big Claus had 4 so big Claus gave his 4 horses to little Claus on holidays. And they were as good as own on that one day. And when people passed bye he said giddy up my fine horses. And then Big Claus appears and told him not to say that Little Claus promised not to say again but when Great Claus was gone little Claus said giddy up my fine horses and then someone said oh i will giddy up your horses and it was Great Claus and he took the horses faraway.

June 22

In my opinion when the Jonny cake was proud of himself because he beat every animal and every human well except the fox the fox caught the Jonny cake because he acted smart unlike the others who thrived tho catch them and i have a tip for the people who tried to catch Jonny cake next time try not run after something that can never get tired also try not to catch something that can outrun you everyday if he wanted to.