The World for Freedom

Latest revision as of 17:07, 22 June 2020

Tezi's Writing Page

Comments on A Little Princess[edit]

1. Introduce your quotes with one of these phrases: "According to the story," "In A Little Princess," or "In the text,"
2. Great job choosing quotes!
3. Try to work on making your sentences descriptive but not too long.

Good luck with your next paragraph. You've got this! If you have any questions, please type them for me here!

Original paragraph:

Both Captain Crewe and Sara show their affection for each other. One way they do that is by spending time with each other. One evidence is," Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India". This proves that both Captain Crewe and Sara show their affection for each other by spending time with each other because Sara loves her father and she wants to spend time with her father before he leaves for India. Another way they show affection for each other is by Captain Crewe buys everything Sara needs and likes and more. Another evidence is," They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself, so between them, they collected a wardrobe much too grand for a child of seven". This proves that both Captain Crewe and Sara show their affection for each other by Captain Crewe bought things she admired and what he admired so he bought her all the things she needs.

Edits:[edit]

Both Captain Crewe and Sara show their affection for each other.

  Good!

One way they show their affection is by spending time with each other.

  I took out "that" and replaced it with "their affection" because it is more descriptive. 

According to the story, “Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India.”

  I used "According to the story," instead of "One evidence is," because it explains where the evidence is from. Also, make sure to put the period before the end quotation marks!

This proves that both Captain Crewe and Sara show their affection for each other by spending time with each other because Sara loves her father and she wants to spend time with him before he leaves for India.

  You mention that "Sara loves her father" earlier in the sentence, so I used "him" instead of the second "her father" to reduce repetition.

Another way Captain Crewe shows affection for Sara is by buying everything Sara needs and likes, and more.

  Captain Crewe shows affection for his daughter by buying her many gifts. This is really the father's act of affection, not Sara's so I edited the sentence to read "Another way Captain Crewe shows affection for Sara ..." instead of "Another way they show affection for each other."

In A Little Princess, “They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself, so between them, they collected a wardrobe much too grand for a child of seven.”

  I used "In A Little Princess," instead of "Another evidence is."

This proves that Captain Crewe shows his affection for Sara by buying things she admired and things he admired.

  Your last sentence was pretty wordy, so I took out parts of it that were repetitive. 

Edited paragraph:[edit]

Both Captain Crewe and Sara show their affection for each other. One way they show their affection is by spending time with each other. According to the story, “Sara stayed with her father at his hotel for several days; in fact, she remained with him until he sailed away again to India.” This proves that both Captain Crewe and Sara show their affection for each other by spending time with each other because Sara loves her father and she wants to spend time with him before he leaves for India. Another way Captain Crewe shows affection for Sara is by buying everything Sara needs and likes, and more. In A Little Princess, “They bought, indeed, a great many more things than Sara needed; but Captain Crewe was a rash, innocent young man and wanted his little girl to have everything she admired and everything he admired himself, so between them, they collected a wardrobe much too grand for a child of seven.” This proves that Captain Crewe shows his affection for Sara by buying things she admired and things he admired.

Original paragraph:

I would describe Demi as multiple things. Some of those things are he is an intelligent, loving, and caring boy. One evidence is," Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care". This proves that Demi is an intelligent, loving, and caring boy by it says that he is one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care and that means that he shows that he is an intelligent, loving, and caring boy. I would also describe Demi as a serious, cheery, quaint, and a quiet boy. One evidence is," A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery". That proves that Demi is a serious, cheery, and a quiet boy by it says that he was quiet, quaint, serious, yet he was also a cheery boy.

Corrections:

• • • I would describe Demi as having multiple characteristics.

     “Things” is very general. Try to get more specific about what type of “thing” Demi has multiple of—characteristics (qualities or traits would also be good words to use here).

• • • Some of his characteristics are being a smart and thoughtful boy.

     Edited for word choice; Make sure to not repeat his characteristics from the quote into your own sentences, but try to find synonyms. I edited in "smart" as a synonym for "intelligent," and "thoughtful" as a synonym for "loving and caring."

• • • According to the story, “Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care.”

     Right before your quote, try to use "According to the story" or "The text states" or "The story says."

• • • This proves that Demi is smart and thoughtful, because he is intelligent, loving, and caring boy.

     Edited for repetition; For this sentence, explain how the quote proves your claim about Demi's characteristics. How does the quote prove that Demi is smart and thoughtful? It shows that he is intelligent, loving, and caring boy.

• • • I would also describe Demi as a mature boy.

     Because your quote states that Demi is quiet, quaint, serious, and cheery, try to find a synonym or a few synonyms that mean a similar word, such as "mature."

• • • The text evidence states, “A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery.”

     Good quote! 

• • • This proves that Demi is a mature, but happy boy.

     Edited for repetition; Good job realizing that “quiet,” “quaint,” and “serious” are similar characteristics, while “cheery” is more different! But try to find synonyms!

Edited paragraph:

I would describe Demi as having multiple characteristics. Some of his characteristics are being a smart and thoughtful boy. According to the story, “Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care.” This proves that Demi is smart and thoughtful, because he is intelligent, loving, and caring boy. I would also describe Demi as a mature boy. The text evidence states, “A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery.” This proves that Demi is a mature, but happy boy.

Comments:

Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great start! Make sure that you don’t repeat the same words too much, and you can search a thesaurus for synonyms if that helps you. If the text says, “A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery,” ask yourself what this means. Can you think of any words to describe Demi based on the characteristics given in the text? Based on these characteristics, Demi seems mature and responsible for his age. Can you think of other ways to describe him? If you have any questions about writing or my edits, please type them out for me here. I am excited to see your next paragraph!

Edited by Sarah Kikel