(37 intermediate revisions by 3 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
−
Pala's Writing Page
 
−
               
 
−
                                This author's purpose in writing the story. The author's purpose in writing the story felt helpful and team working. According to the text," each Flock of pigeons helped peached other to find food. Then came everyone rushing down for the food." This shows what the author's purpose is in the story.
 
  
 +
== Things to work on: ==
 +
<br> 1. '''Make sure your first sentence answers the question!''' In your paragraph, your ''second'' sentence actually answers the question, so I took out your first sentence because it isn't necessary.
 +
<br> 2. Make sure your last sentence '''explains why the quote proves your first sentence.''' Try using a sentence with '''because''' in it. See how I edited your last sentence below for an example!
 +
You've got this!
  
−
This author's purpose in writing the story.
+
Original paragraph:
−
***Remove. This is an incomplete sentence (what is the purpose?) and is repeating what you write afterwards, so you don't need it.
+
  This is what I can describe about the four year old boy. The four year old boy made his family fair. According to the text," when the boy or anyone in their family would spill their food they would get scolded. Then the boy said that I am going to make a little trough, and the whole family cried happy tears, so when anyone spilled a little bit of anything they won't get scolded." This shows what I can describe about the boy.  
  
−
<br>The author's purpose in writing the story felt helpful and team working.
+
Edits:
−
***Edited for clarity: The author's purpose in writing the story was to promote teamwork.
 
−
***You should be describing what the purpose is, so "felt" wouldn't be appropriate here. You can just use "teamwork" ("team working" isn't used).
 
  
−
<br>According to the text," each Flock of pigeons helped peached other to find food. Then came everyone rushing down for the food."
+
The four-year-old boy made his family fair.  
−
***Edited for punctuation and spacing and capitalization: According to the text, "Each flock of pigeons helped eached other to find food. Then came everyone rushing down for the food."
+
  I took out your first sentence because it isn't necessary. Make sure to start your paragraph with your answer to the prompt's question, which is that you are stating that the boy made his family fair!
−
***Correct the spacing around the first quotation mark. Capitalize the first word of the quote.
 
  
−
<br>This shows what the author's purpose is in the story.
+
According to the story, "when the boy or anyone in their family would spill their food they would get scolded. Then the boy said that I am going to make a little trough, and the whole family cried happy tears, so when anyone spilled a little bit of anything they won't get scolded."
−
***Good!
+
  Good job putting quotes around the whole passage that is your quote! Try changing up how you introduce the quote so you don't repeat the same words every paragraph. Some examples are "According to the story," "In ''The Old Grandfather and His Grandson,'''' or "In the text."
  
 +
This shows that the boy made his family fair because he made the trough so his parents wouldn't get scolded for spilling when they got old.
 +
  Here is how I made your last sentence '''complete the E in RACE by explaining.'''
  
−
'''Final Edited Version:
+
Edited paragraph:
−
The author's purpose in writing the story was to promote teamwork. According to the text, "Each flock of pigeons helped eached other to find food. Then came everyone rushing down for the food." This shows what the author's purpose is in the story.
 
  
 +
The four-year-old boy made his family fair. According to the story, "when the boy or anyone in their family would spill their food they would get scolded. Then the boy said that I am going to make a little trough, and the whole family cried happy tears, so when anyone spilled a little bit of anything they won't get scolded." This shows that the boy made his family fair because he made the trough so his parents wouldn't get scolded for spilling when they got old.
  
−
***Overall, please work on your quotation mark punctuation (spacing and comma). Also try to avoid forming repetitive sentences!
 
  
  
−
Edited by Ashley Leung
+
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
 
 +
'''Please see all of my comments below about the bird and the bad man.'''
 +
 
 +
Your paragraph shows what the bird does, but not '''what the bird does to the bad man.''' When the story says that the bird “sets his feathers on end round his chest and throat,” this means the bird ruffles his own feathers, not about his actions with the man. It can be hard to understand some stories, so make sure to read them a few times so you understand what is happening. You can do this!
 +
Make sure to '''see my example paragraph below.'''
 +
 
 +
Example paragraph: The bird flutters his wings and makes the bad man feel better. According to the story, after the man looks at the bird, “a more gentle expression comes into his hard face.” This proves that the bird made the captive change from hardened to more gentle.
 +
 
 +
Original paragraph: This is what the bird did to the bad man. The bird set the feathers in his chest and throat. According to the text," the bird sets his feathers on end round his chest and throat. This show what the bird did to the bad man.
 +
 
 +
'''Comments:'''
 +
<br> 1. Make sure to use quotation marks at both '''the beginning''' and '''the end''' of the part from the story you copied. <br>Here is an example: According to the text, the bird "sets his feathers on end round his chest and throat."
 +
<br> 2. "This" is a singular pronoun so make sure to use "shows" with an "s." You have done this in your previous paragraphs so make sure to proofread!
 +
 
 +
----
 +
 
 +
 
 +
Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great start!
 +
Here are some things for you to work on:
 +
<br> 1. Make sure what you put in quotation marks (" ") is exactly copied from the story.
 +
<br> 2. Make sure you complete the E in RACE (E=Explain the cited evidence in simple ideas). You want to have the last sentence of your paragraph '''explain''' the quote you chose from the story.
 +
 
 +
Make sure to look at your original paragraph, my edits, and the edited paragraph below.
 +
 
 +
Original paragraph:
 +
 
 +
  This is how the beetle lived his high perched life. The beetle lived his high perched life because when the beetle fell upon an extensive lawn , and pretend to sleep at last he fell asleep. According to the text," when he fell asleep a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds when he tumbled all over the rain sometimes swimming on his stomach, some times in his back and even flying." This shows the beetle lived his high perched life.
 +
 
 +
Edits:
 +
 
 +
*** The beetle lived part of his high perched life by sleeping on a large lawn. First, he pretended to sleep, and then he finally fell asleep.
 +
 
 +
        I combined your first two sentences. It is okay to put R (restate the question) and A (answer the question) in the same sentence! It makes your paragraph less repetitive. Also, the story called the lawn an "extensive lawn," so try to come up with another word for "extensive" for your own sentence. You can use a thesaurus if that helps. "Large" is another word for "extensive" so that is why I used that word in my edits.
 +
 
 +
*** According to the story, when he fell asleep "a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds" and when he tumbled all over with the rain, he was “sometimes swimming on his stomach and sometimes on his back.”
 +
 
 +
      Make sure what you put in quotation marks (" ") is exactly copied from the story. You can still include text evidence that you put into your own words, but just make sure you don't add quotation marks around it! Also, the story actually said “as for flying, that was out of the question.” This means that the beetle couldn’t fly! So I took out your part about sometimes the beetle was "even flying."
 +
 
 +
*** This shows the beetle lived his high perched life sleeping and tumbling on the large lawn.
 +
 
 +
      Make sure you complete the E in RACE (E=Explain the cited evidence in simple ideas). You want to have the last sentence of your paragraph '''explain''' the quote you chose from the story. To do this, look at your previous sentences and say what the quote proved. It proved that the beetle slept and tumbled on the large lawn, so that is how I edited your final sentence.
 +
 
 +
Edited paragraph:
 +
 
 +
The beetle lived part of his high perched life by sleeping on a large lawn. First, he pretended to sleep, and then he finally fell asleep. According to the story, when he fell asleep "a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds" and when he tumbled all over with the rain, he was “sometimes swimming on his stomach and sometimes on his back.” This shows the beetle lived his high perched life sleeping and tumbling on the large lawn.
 +
----
 +
 
 +
Original paragraph:
 +
 
 +
This is what the young lady is very interested at. The young lady is very interested at seeing Rome. According to the text," she said I should like to see Rome. It must be a lovely city." This shows what the lady is interested at.
 +
 
 +
Corrections:
 +
 
 +
*** The young lady is very interested in seeing Rome.
 +
 
 +
        Edited for repetition and grammar; I combined your first two sentences into one full sentence so your words aren’t repetitive. Also, the lady is interested “in” seeing Rome, not “at.”
 +
 
 +
*** According to the text, she said, "I should like to see Rome. It must be a lovely city."
 +
 
 +
      Edited for punctuation; Good sentence! Just make sure the comma and quotation marks go around the exact quote.
 +
 
 +
*** Therefore, the lady is interested in Rome because she thinks it must be a charming city.
 +
 
 +
      Edited for paragraph structure; Remember to end your paragraph by explaining how the text evidence answers the question. How does your quote show the lady is interested in Rome? It shows that the lady thinks Rome must be a lovely city. In your final sentence, we don’t want to use “lovely” again, because that word was used in your quote, but “charming” is a good synonym for lovely.
 +
 
 +
Edited paragraph:
 +
 
 +
The young lady is very interested in seeing Rome. According to the text, she said, “I should like to see Rome. It must be a lovely city." Therefore, the lady is interested in Rome because she thinks it must be a charming city.
 +
 
 +
Comments:
 +
 
 +
Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great start! Just make sure you complete the E in RACE (E=Explain the cited evidence in simple ideas). If you have any questions about writing or my edits, please type them out for me here. I am excited to see your next paragraph!
 +
 
 +
Edited by Sarah Kikel

Latest revision as of 16:53, 12 June 2020

Things to work on:[edit]


1. Make sure your first sentence answers the question! In your paragraph, your second sentence actually answers the question, so I took out your first sentence because it isn't necessary.
2. Make sure your last sentence explains why the quote proves your first sentence. Try using a sentence with because in it. See how I edited your last sentence below for an example! You've got this!

Original paragraph: 

  This is what I can describe about the four year old boy. The four year old boy made his family fair. According to the text," when the boy or anyone in their family would spill their food they would get scolded. Then the boy said that I am going to make a little trough, and the whole family cried happy tears, so when anyone spilled a little bit of anything they won't get scolded." This shows what I can describe about the boy.

Edits:

The four-year-old boy made his family fair. 

  I took out your first sentence because it isn't necessary. Make sure to start your paragraph with your answer to the prompt's question, which is that you are stating that the boy made his family fair!

According to the story, "when the boy or anyone in their family would spill their food they would get scolded. Then the boy said that I am going to make a little trough, and the whole family cried happy tears, so when anyone spilled a little bit of anything they won't get scolded." 

  Good job putting quotes around the whole passage that is your quote! Try changing up how you introduce the quote so you don't repeat the same words every paragraph. Some examples are "According to the story," "In The Old Grandfather and His Grandson,'' or "In the text."

This shows that the boy made his family fair because he made the trough so his parents wouldn't get scolded for spilling when they got old. 

  Here is how I made your last sentence complete the E in RACE by explaining.

Edited paragraph:

The four-year-old boy made his family fair. According to the story, "when the boy or anyone in their family would spill their food they would get scolded. Then the boy said that I am going to make a little trough, and the whole family cried happy tears, so when anyone spilled a little bit of anything they won't get scolded." This shows that the boy made his family fair because he made the trough so his parents wouldn't get scolded for spilling when they got old.








Please see all of my comments below about the bird and the bad man.

Your paragraph shows what the bird does, but not what the bird does to the bad man. When the story says that the bird “sets his feathers on end round his chest and throat,” this means the bird ruffles his own feathers, not about his actions with the man. It can be hard to understand some stories, so make sure to read them a few times so you understand what is happening. You can do this! Make sure to see my example paragraph below.

Example paragraph: The bird flutters his wings and makes the bad man feel better. According to the story, after the man looks at the bird, “a more gentle expression comes into his hard face.” This proves that the bird made the captive change from hardened to more gentle.

Original paragraph: This is what the bird did to the bad man. The bird set the feathers in his chest and throat. According to the text," the bird sets his feathers on end round his chest and throat. This show what the bird did to the bad man.

Comments:
1. Make sure to use quotation marks at both the beginning and the end of the part from the story you copied.
Here is an example: According to the text, the bird "sets his feathers on end round his chest and throat."
2. "This" is a singular pronoun so make sure to use "shows" with an "s." You have done this in your previous paragraphs so make sure to proofread!


Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great start! Here are some things for you to work on:
1. Make sure what you put in quotation marks (" ") is exactly copied from the story.
2. Make sure you complete the E in RACE (E=Explain the cited evidence in simple ideas). You want to have the last sentence of your paragraph explain the quote you chose from the story.

Make sure to look at your original paragraph, my edits, and the edited paragraph below.

Original paragraph: 

  This is how the beetle lived his high perched life. The beetle lived his high perched life because when the beetle fell upon an extensive lawn , and pretend to sleep at last he fell asleep. According to the text," when he fell asleep a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds when he tumbled all over the rain sometimes swimming on his stomach, some times in his back and even flying." This shows the beetle lived his high perched life.

Edits:

      • The beetle lived part of his high perched life by sleeping on a large lawn. First, he pretended to sleep, and then he finally fell asleep.
       I combined your first two sentences. It is okay to put R (restate the question) and A (answer the question) in the same sentence! It makes your paragraph less repetitive. Also, the story called the lawn an "extensive lawn," so try to come up with another word for "extensive" for your own sentence. You can use a thesaurus if that helps. "Large" is another word for "extensive" so that is why I used that word in my edits.
      • According to the story, when he fell asleep "a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds" and when he tumbled all over with the rain, he was “sometimes swimming on his stomach and sometimes on his back.”
      Make sure what you put in quotation marks (" ") is exactly copied from the story. You can still include text evidence that you put into your own words, but just make sure you don't add quotation marks around it! Also, the story actually said “as for flying, that was out of the question.” This means that the beetle couldn’t fly! So I took out your part about sometimes the beetle was "even flying."
      • This shows the beetle lived his high perched life sleeping and tumbling on the large lawn.
      Make sure you complete the E in RACE (E=Explain the cited evidence in simple ideas). You want to have the last sentence of your paragraph explain the quote you chose from the story. To do this, look at your previous sentences and say what the quote proved. It proved that the beetle slept and tumbled on the large lawn, so that is how I edited your final sentence.

Edited paragraph:

The beetle lived part of his high perched life by sleeping on a large lawn. First, he pretended to sleep, and then he finally fell asleep. According to the story, when he fell asleep "a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds" and when he tumbled all over with the rain, he was “sometimes swimming on his stomach and sometimes on his back.” This shows the beetle lived his high perched life sleeping and tumbling on the large lawn.

Original paragraph:

This is what the young lady is very interested at. The young lady is very interested at seeing Rome. According to the text," she said I should like to see Rome. It must be a lovely city." This shows what the lady is interested at.

Corrections:

      • The young lady is very interested in seeing Rome.
       Edited for repetition and grammar; I combined your first two sentences into one full sentence so your words aren’t repetitive. Also, the lady is interested “in” seeing Rome, not “at.”
      • According to the text, she said, "I should like to see Rome. It must be a lovely city."
      Edited for punctuation; Good sentence! Just make sure the comma and quotation marks go around the exact quote.
      • Therefore, the lady is interested in Rome because she thinks it must be a charming city.
      Edited for paragraph structure; Remember to end your paragraph by explaining how the text evidence answers the question. How does your quote show the lady is interested in Rome? It shows that the lady thinks Rome must be a lovely city. In your final sentence, we don’t want to use “lovely” again, because that word was used in your quote, but “charming” is a good synonym for lovely.

Edited paragraph:

The young lady is very interested in seeing Rome. According to the text, she said, “I should like to see Rome. It must be a lovely city." Therefore, the lady is interested in Rome because she thinks it must be a charming city.

Comments:

Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great start! Just make sure you complete the E in RACE (E=Explain the cited evidence in simple ideas). If you have any questions about writing or my edits, please type them out for me here. I am excited to see your next paragraph!

Edited by Sarah Kikel