The World for Freedom

Revision as of 18:59, 11 June 2020

Please see all of my comments below about the bird and the bad man.

Your paragraph shows what the bird does, but not what the bird does to the bad man. When the story says that the bird “sets his feathers on end round his chest and throat,” this means the bird ruffles his own feathers, not about his actions with the man. It can be hard to understand some stories, so make sure to read them a few times so you understand what is happening. You can do this! Make sure to see my example paragraph below.

Example paragraph: The bird flutters his wings and makes the bad man feel better. According to the story, after the man looks at the bird, “a more gentle expression comes into his hard face.” This proves that the bird made the captive change from hardened to more gentle.

Original paragraph: This is what the bird did to the bad man. The bird set the feathers in his chest and throat. According to the text," the bird sets his feathers on end round his chest and throat. This show what the bird did to the bad man.

Comments:
1. Make sure to use quotation marks at the beginning and end of the part from the story you copied. Here is an example: According to the text, the bird "sets his feathers on end round his chest and throat."
2. "This" is a singular pronoun so make sure to use "shows" with an "s." You have done this in your previous paragraphs so make sure to proofread!

Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great start! Here are some things for you to work on:
1. Make sure what you put in quotation marks (" ") is exactly copied from the story.
2. Make sure you complete the E in RACE (E=Explain the cited evidence in simple ideas). You want to have the last sentence of your paragraph explain the quote you chose from the story.

Make sure to look at your original paragraph, my edits, and the edited paragraph below.

Original paragraph:

  This is how the beetle lived his high perched life. The beetle lived his high perched life because when the beetle fell upon an extensive lawn , and pretend to sleep at last he fell asleep. According to the text," when he fell asleep a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds when he tumbled all over the rain sometimes swimming on his stomach, some times in his back and even flying." This shows the beetle lived his high perched life.

Edits:

• • • The beetle lived part of his high perched life by sleeping on a large lawn. First, he pretended to sleep, and then he finally fell asleep.

       I combined your first two sentences. It is okay to put R (restate the question) and A (answer the question) in the same sentence! It makes your paragraph less repetitive. Also, the story called the lawn an "extensive lawn," so try to come up with another word for "extensive" for your own sentence. You can use a thesaurus if that helps. "Large" is another word for "extensive" so that is why I used that word in my edits.

• • • According to the story, when he fell asleep "a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds" and when he tumbled all over with the rain, he was “sometimes swimming on his stomach and sometimes on his back.”

      Make sure what you put in quotation marks (" ") is exactly copied from the story. You can still include text evidence that you put into your own words, but just make sure you don't add quotation marks around it! Also, the story actually said “as for flying, that was out of the question.” This means that the beetle couldn’t fly! So I took out your part about sometimes the beetle was "even flying."

• • • This shows the beetle lived his high perched life sleeping and tumbling on the large lawn.

      Make sure you complete the E in RACE (E=Explain the cited evidence in simple ideas). You want to have the last sentence of your paragraph explain the quote you chose from the story. To do this, look at your previous sentences and say what the quote proved. It proved that the beetle slept and tumbled on the large lawn, so that is how I edited your final sentence.

Edited paragraph:

The beetle lived part of his high perched life by sleeping on a large lawn. First, he pretended to sleep, and then he finally fell asleep. According to the story, when he fell asleep "a heavy shower of rain came falling from the clouds" and when he tumbled all over with the rain, he was “sometimes swimming on his stomach and sometimes on his back.” This shows the beetle lived his high perched life sleeping and tumbling on the large lawn.

Original paragraph:

This is what the young lady is very interested at. The young lady is very interested at seeing Rome. According to the text," she said I should like to see Rome. It must be a lovely city." This shows what the lady is interested at.

Corrections:

• • • The young lady is very interested in seeing Rome.

       Edited for repetition and grammar; I combined your first two sentences into one full sentence so your words aren’t repetitive. Also, the lady is interested “in” seeing Rome, not “at.”

• • • According to the text, she said, "I should like to see Rome. It must be a lovely city."

      Edited for punctuation; Good sentence! Just make sure the comma and quotation marks go around the exact quote.

• • • Therefore, the lady is interested in Rome because she thinks it must be a charming city.

      Edited for paragraph structure; Remember to end your paragraph by explaining how the text evidence answers the question. How does your quote show the lady is interested in Rome? It shows that the lady thinks Rome must be a lovely city. In your final sentence, we don’t want to use “lovely” again, because that word was used in your quote, but “charming” is a good synonym for lovely.

Edited paragraph:

The young lady is very interested in seeing Rome. According to the text, she said, “I should like to see Rome. It must be a lovely city." Therefore, the lady is interested in Rome because she thinks it must be a charming city.

Comments:

Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great start! Just make sure you complete the E in RACE (E=Explain the cited evidence in simple ideas). If you have any questions about writing or my edits, please type them out for me here. I am excited to see your next paragraph!

Edited by Sarah Kikel