The World for Freedom

Latest revision as of 16:31, 4 June 2020

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Original Text:

NASA and SpaceX Jointly Launched

This mission will mark two historic milestones by the chances of favorable weather, which hover around 50%. The space veterans Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley will become the first NASA astronauts to launch from American soil, since the final Space Shuttle flight in 2011. They will also be the first human beings ever to fly to orbit on hardware designed, built, and operated by a private company known as SpaceX. NASA’s astronaut program has also continued since 2011, and the agency has kept the ISS staffed by buying more than 70 rides on the Soyuz spacecraft from the Russian space program—very expensive tickets that have cost the agency a total of around four billion dollars. But over the last decade or so, NASA has also invested at least three billion dollars in SpaceX and worked closely with the company to help it develop a vehicle—the Crew Dragon—capable of bringing astronauts to the space station. Which lead them here to be launching together making it a historical moment.

Edits:

NASA and SpaceX Jointly Launched

- - - Edited: “NASA and SpaceX Joint Launch” - It is best to keep titles simple! Since this story is written about the launch before it occurred, it's important that the title follows suit and doesn't speak in the past tense.

This mission will mark two historic milestones by the chances of favorable weather, which hover around 50%.

- - - Edited for clarity and necessity: “The NASA and SpaceX mission will mark two historic milestones, weather permitting (the chances of favorable weather hover around 50%).” Clarifying the companies involved in the mission is important in the introduction, even though they were mentioned in the title.

The space veterans Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley will become the first NASA astronauts to launch from American soil since the final Space Shuttle flight in 2011. They will also be the first human beings ever to fly to orbit on hardware designed, built, and operated by a private company known as SpaceX.

- - - These sentences are great! Edited: Remove “The” at the beginning. “The space veterans Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley will become the first NASA astronauts to launch from American soil since the final Space Shuttle flight in 2011. They will also be the first human beings ever to fly to orbit on hardware designed, built, and operated by a private company known as SpaceX.”

NASA’s astronaut program has also continued since 2011, and the agency has kept the ISS staffed by buying more than 70 rides on the Soyuz spacecraft from the Russian space program—very expensive tickets that have cost the agency a total of around four billion dollars.

- - - Edited for clarity; replacing “ISS” with “International Space Station” and other minor edits: “NASA’s astronaut program has continued since 2011. The agency has kept the International Space Station staffed by purchasing over 70 rides on the Soyuz spacecraft from the Russian space program—very expensive tickets that have cost the agency a total of approximately four billion dollars.” Replacing acronyms with what they actually stand for is important when you first mention something. Imagine that your audience has no idea what the ISS is!

But over the last decade or so, NASA has also invested at least three billion dollars in SpaceX and worked closely with the company to help it develop a vehicle—the Crew Dragon—capable of bringing astronauts to the space station. Which led them here to be launching together making it a historical moment.

- - - Edited: Replacing “But” with “However” to start a sentence, and combining the final two sentences, along with minor grammatical edits: “However, over the last decade or so, NASA has also invested at least three billion dollars in SpaceX and worked closely with the company to help it develop a vehicle—the Crew Dragon—capable of bringing astronauts to the space station, which led them here to be launching together, making it a historical moment.” Using "However," is a much better choice to start a sentence than "But". "But" is more often used in the middle of a sentence!

Edited Paragraph:

NASA and SpaceX Joint Launch

The NASA and SpaceX mission will mark two historic milestones, weather permitting (the chances of favorable weather hover around 50%). Space veterans Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley will become the first NASA astronauts to launch from American soil since the final Space Shuttle flight in 2011. They will also be the first human beings ever to fly to orbit on hardware designed, built, and operated by a private company known as SpaceX. NASA’s astronaut program has continued since 2011. The agency has kept the International Space Station staffed by purchasing over 70 rides on the Soyuz spacecraft from the Russian space program—very expensive tickets that have cost the agency a total of approximately four billion dollars. However, over the last decade or so, NASA has also invested at least three billion dollars in SpaceX and worked closely with the company to help it develop a vehicle—the Crew Dragon—capable of bringing astronauts to the space station, which led them here to be launching together, making it a historical moment.

Final Comments: Great job overall! Most of the editing needed was for clarity and minor grammatical errors.

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Original Text

Mrs Bhaer is thoughtful person. The text it states, "There is a place already for you, my son; sit down and dry your wet feet at once." Also in text, it states, “And try to get rid of that ugly cough. How long have you had it deer.” This conveys that she is thoughtful cause she cares about him being sick. In short, this is how come Mrs. Bhaer is thoughtful.

Corrections

Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person.

     Remember to put a period in “Mrs.” because it is an abbreviation of the word missus. You did this in your last sentence and it was correct! Also, remember to put the article “a” before “thoughtful person.” 

In the text, she says, “’There is a place already for you, my son; sit down and dry your wet feet at once.’” Also in the text, she says, “‘And try to get rid of that ugly cough. How long have you had it dear?’” 

     You are right that the text states the quote you chose. However, because you are using the quote to show how Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person, I edited both sentences to include that “she says.” Also, because the quotes you chose already have quotation marks in the text, I edited your paragraph to have another set of single quotation marks (‘ ‘). Lastly, make sure to check that you have copied the text exactly. You had “deer” instead of “dear” and a period instead of a question mark.

This conveys that she is thoughtful because she cares about him being sick.

     “Cause” is a slang word that is short for “because.” You should use the full word “because” here, because you are writing a formal paragraph. Also, I didn’t make this change, because I am not sure who Mrs. Bhaer is speaking to, but if you know the name of the “him,” then you should use his name instead of “him.”

In short, this is why Mrs. Bhaer is thoughtful.

     I included “why” instead of “how come” because “why” is more formal.

Final Draft

Mrs. Bhaer is a thoughtful person. In the text, she says, “’There is a place already for you, my son; sit down and dry your wet feet at once.’” Also in the text, she says, “‘And try to get rid of that ugly cough. How long have you had it dear?’”  This conveys that she is thoughtful because she cares about him being sick. In short, this is why Mrs. Bhaer is thoughtful.

You used a great quote to support your claim that Mrs. Bhaer is thoughtful! Just make sure to watch your punctuation and use formal words when writing. Good job!

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