The World for Freedom

Revision as of 17:25, 3 June 2020

Tezi's Writing Page

Original paragraph:

I would describe Demi as multiple things. Some of those things are he is an intelligent, loving, and caring boy. One evidence is," Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care". This proves that Demi is an intelligent, loving, and caring boy by it says that he is one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care and that means that he shows that he is an intelligent, loving, and caring boy. I would also describe Demi as a serious, cheery, quaint, and a quiet boy. One evidence is," A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery". That proves that Demi is a serious, cheery, and a quiet boy by it says that he was quiet, quaint, serious, yet he was also a cheery boy.

Corrections:

• • • I would describe Demi as having multiple characteristics.

     “Things” is very general. Try to get more specific about what type of “thing” Demi has multiple of—characteristics (qualities or traits would also be good words to use here).

• • • Some of his characteristics are being a smart and thoughtful boy.

     Edited for word choice; Make sure to not repeat his characteristics from the quote into your own sentences, but try to find synonyms. I edited in "smart" as a synonym for "intelligent," and "thoughtful" as a synonym for "loving and caring."

• • • According to the story, “Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care.”

     Right before your quote, try to use "According to the story" or "The text states" or "The story says."

• • • This proves that Demi is smart and thoughtful, because he is intelligent, loving, and caring boy.

     Edited for repetition; For this sentence, explain how the quote proves your claim about Demi's characteristics. How does the quote prove that Demi is smart and thoughtful? It shows that he is intelligent, loving, and caring boy.

• • • I would also describe Demi as a mature boy.

     Because your quote states that Demi is quiet, quaint, serious, and cheery, try to find a synonym or a few synonyms that mean a similar word, such as "mature."

• • • The text evidence states, “A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery.”

     Good quote! 

• • • This proves that Demi is a mature, but happy boy.

     Edited for repetition; Good job realizing that “quiet,” “quaint,” and “serious” are similar characteristics, while “cheery” is more different! But try to find synonyms!

Edited paragraph:

I would describe Demi as having multiple characteristics. Some of his characteristics are being a smart and thoughtful boy. According to the story, “Demi was one of the children who show plainly the effect of intelligent love and care.” This proves that Demi is smart and thoughtful, because he is intelligent, loving, and caring boy. I would also describe Demi as a mature boy. The text evidence states, “A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery.” This proves that Demi is a mature, but happy boy.

Comments:

Hi! I'm Sarah, and I will be editing your paragraphs. Great start! Make sure that you don’t repeat the same words too much, and you can search a thesaurus for synonyms if that helps you. If the text says, “A quiet, quaint boy was Demi, serious, yet cheery,” ask yourself what this means. Can you think of any words to describe Demi based on the characteristics given in the text? Based on these characteristics, Demi seems mature and responsible for his age. Can you think of other ways to describe him? If you have any questions about writing or my edits, please type them out for me here. I am excited to see your next paragraph!

Edited by Sarah Kikel