The World for Freedom

Revision as of 21:40, 8 May 2020

Phwa's Writing Page:

    There is a difference between the grasshopper and the leapfrog.The difference is that the the grasshopper is not the wisest and the leapfrog is.According to the text,"he suddenly made a sideways jump into the lap of the princess, who sat close by on a little golden stool."This shows that he knew that the princess was the highest jump was to go on the princess head because she is the greatest.The text also states," Only one of good understanding would ever have thought of that. Thus. the Frog has shown that he has sense. He has brains in his head, that he has." When he says "of good understanding" that means wise and that means he is also calling the leapfrog wise.Based on this i can conclude that the others may jump high but the leapfrog is the smarter.

    In the story there are two types of people in this story the protagonist and the antagonist.The protagonist is the  Lapland.According to the text,"Oh, you poor things," said the Lapland woman, "you have a long way to go yet. You must travel more than a hundred miles farther, to Finland."This shows that the Lapland is the protagonist they are the protagonist because she is feeling bad and being nice and that is how i know the lapland is the protagonist.The antagonist is  Finland.The text also states ,"Little Kay is really with the Snow Queen, but he finds everything there so much to his taste and his liking that he believes it is the finest place in the world; and this is because he has a piece of broken glass in his heart and a little splinter of glass in his eye. These must be taken out, or he will never be a human being again, and the Snow Queen will retain her power over him."This shows that the antagonist because this is the only land left and it has to be the antagonist, also because that it shows that this person is being mean and this land is the since its the only one left it has to be the antagonist.This shows that the protagonist is the  Lapland and the antagonist is the Finland.

Original Version:

In the story there are two types of people in this story the protagonist and the antagonist.The protagonist is the Lapland.According to the text,"Oh, you poor things," said the Lapland woman, "you have a long way to go yet. You must travel more than a hundred miles farther, to Finland."This shows that the Lapland is the protagonist they are the protagonist because she is feeling bad and being nice and that is how i know the lapland is the protagonist.The antagonist is Finland.The text also states ,"Little Kay is really with the Snow Queen, but he finds everything there so much to his taste and his liking that he believes it is the finest place in the world; and this is because he has a piece of broken glass in his heart and a little splinter of glass in his eye. These must be taken out, or he will never be a human being again, and the Snow Queen will retain her power over him."This shows that the antagonist because this is the only land left and it has to be the antagonist, also because that it shows that this person is being mean and this land is the since its the only one left it has to be the antagonist.This shows that the protagonist is the Lapland and the antagonist is the Finland.

Corrections:

There are two types of people in this story, a protagonist and an antagonist.

• • • The phrasing of the sentence sounded odd, so I reworded the sentence to improve the grammar, flow, and make it sound less repetitive so you don’t use the word “story” twice.

The protagonist is Lapland.

• • • Good.

According to the text, “‘Oh, you poor things,’ said the Lapland woman, ‘you have a long way to go yet. You must travel more than a hundred miles farther, to Finland."

• • • When there are quoted words inside of a quote, use single quotation marks. Use double quotation marks still though at the beginning and end of the sentence.

This shows that Lapland is the protagonist because she feels bad for others and is kind to them.

• • • You used repetition in repeating the word protagonist, and the phrasing of the sentence sounded a bit clunky. I edited the sentence to improve the grammar.

The antagonist is Finland.

• • • Good.

The text also states, "Little Kay is really with the Snow Queen, but he finds everything there so much to his taste and his liking that he believes it is the finest place in the world; and this is because he has a piece of broken glass in his heart and a little splinter of glass in his eye. These must be taken out, or he will never be a human being again, and the Snow Queen will retain her power over him."

• • • Good.

This shows that the antagonist is Finland because the Snow Queen being mean and has the only land left.

• • • You need to state clearly that the Snow Queen is the antagonist by identifying her name. This was also a run-on sentence, containing too many words. I edited the sentence to make it shorter.

In conclusion, Lapland is the protagonist and the antagonist is Finland.

• • • I added a transitional phrase so the concluding statement would be clearer. I also edited the sentence to improve the grammar. I also changed the antagonist to “snow queen” instead of “Finland” to match your previous statement better.

Great work! Make sure to add transitions between the different sections of your paragraphs.

Final Version:

There are two types of people in this story, a protagonist and an antagonist. The protagonist is Lapland. According to the text, “‘Oh, you poor things,’ said the Lapland woman, ‘you have a long way to go yet. You must travel more than a hundred miles farther, to Finland." This shows that Lapland is the protagonist because she feels bad for others and is kind to them. The antagonist is Finland. The text also states, "Little Kay is really with the Snow Queen, but he finds everything there so much to his taste and his liking that he believes it is the finest place in the world; and this is because he has a piece of broken glass in his heart and a little splinter of glass in his eye. These must be taken out, or he will never be a human being again, and the Snow Queen will retain her power over him." This shows that the antagonist is Finland because the Snow Queen being mean and has the only land left. In conclusion, Lapland is the protagonist and the antagonist is Finland.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    The meaning of "Company" means army.According to the text,"That day, for the first time, he was to partake of soldiers’ fare, and that night, for the first time, he was to sleep upon a soldier’s bed." This tells me that since he is a soldier, a soldier has to have an army so that is one detail that shows that "Company means army.The text also states that,"Tom Somers felt that he was now a soldier indeed. While the company remained in Pinchbrook."This shows that since he said he is a soldier and the others is also a soldier and a group of soldiers is called an army this shows that "Company means army.Based not this you have to use background knowledge sometimes.

Original Version:

The meaning of "Company" means army.According to the text,"That day, for the first time, he was to partake of soldiers’ fare, and that night, for the first time, he was to sleep upon a soldier’s bed." This tells me that since he is a soldier, a soldier has to have an army so that is one detail that shows that "Company means army.The text also states that,"Tom Somers felt that he was now a soldier indeed. While the company remained in Pinchbrook."This shows that since he said he is a soldier and the others is also a soldier and a group of soldiers is called an army this shows that "Company means army.Based not this you have to use background knowledge sometimes.

Corrections:

The word “Company” can be used to describe an army.

• • • Good! I just edited the wording slightly to improve the grammar.

According to the text, "That day, for the first time, he was to partake of soldiers’ fare, and that night, for the first time, he was to sleep upon a soldier’s bed."

• • • Good!

This shows that the meaning of the word company has to do with an army, as the soldier has to have an army to serve with.

• • • I reworded the sentence to correct the grammar, the way it was originally stated was a bit clunky. I also removed the random quotation mark, as it doesn’t belong there.

The text also states that "Tom Somers felt that he was now a soldier indeed. While the company remained in Pinchbrook."

• • • Good!


Since he states that he and the others are soldiers, they all belong in a company.

• • • To avoid this being a run-on sentence, I edited it to make it shorter and more concise.

Based on this, the word company can be defined as an army.

• • • I did not understand what your conclusion had to do with the rest of your paragraph. You are talking about the definition of the word company, and how it relates to the army, and are not discussing the importance of background knowledge. I reworded the conclusion to better summarize the points you make in the paragraph. You also said “based not this” instead of “based on this,” so I corrected the phrasing.

Good work! Make sure to clearly summarize your answer in the conclusion.

Final Version:

The word “Company” can be used to describe an army. According to the text, "That day, for the first time, he was to partake of soldiers’ fare, and that night, for the first time, he was to sleep upon a soldier’s bed." This shows that the meaning of the word company has to do with an army, as the soldier has to have an army to serve with. The text also states that "Tom Somers felt that he was now a soldier indeed. While the company remained in Pinchbrook." Since he states that he and the others are soldiers, they all belong in a company. Based on this, the word company can be defined as an army.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    Two of the boys from the story.One boy is an artist he has a very creative mind and is very good at art.According to the text,"It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was."This boy loves color and paint, pastel ,drawing etc he creates art pieces he is very creative.Another boy is a boy that is a musician he loves music.The text also states,"He became a great musical composer, a master, of whom every country has the right to say, 'He was mine, for he was the world's."This shows that this boy loves music it is his passion he loves to make music play an instrument etc.Based on this i can conclude that every boy can have a passion.

Original Version:

Two of the boys from the story.One boy is an artist he has a very creative mind and is very good at art.According to the text,"It cribbled and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was."This boy loves color and paint, pastel ,drawing etc he creates art pieces he is very creative.Another boy is a boy that is a musician he loves music.The text also states,"He became a great musical composer, a master, of whom every country has the right to say, 'He was mine, for he was the world's."This shows that this boy loves music it is his passion he loves to make music play an instrument etc.Based on this i can conclude that every boy can have a passion.

Corrections:

Two boys are different in the story.

• • • I just added a bit to the sentence to provide more context.

One boy is an artist, has a very creative mind, and is very good at art.

• • • I edited the sentence to add punctuation.

According to the text, "It cribbed and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was."

• • • Good!

This boy loves to color and paint and drawing, the art pieces he creates shows his talent.

• • • I edited the sentence to correct the grammar and reworded it to take out parts that sounded repetitive. You already stated the word “creative” for example, so I used a different word.

Another boy is a musician who loves music.

• • • “A boy is a boy” sounded repetitive, so I deleted the second half of the clause. Also, I edited the sentence to correct the grammar.

The text also states, "He became a great musical composer, a master, of whom every country has the right to say, 'He was mine, for he was the world's."

• • • Great!

This evidence shows that the boy has a passion for listening and playing music.

• • • I edited the sentence to make it more concise. The word music was used multiple times, so I combined some of your ideas to make a more coherent sentence.

In conclusion, these two boys are different, but they are both passionate.

• • • I deleted the “I” and rephrased the sentence to it into the third person point of view. This perspective is preferred as it makes your work sound more professional.

Great work! You did a good job describing the two boys. Make sure to use a variety of words and phrases to avoid repetition.

Final Version:

Two boys are different in the story. One boy is an artist, has a very creative mind, and is very good at art. According to the text, "It cribbed and crawled in his brain and in his hands, and after many a day and many a year, people in the great city talked of the famous painter that he was." This boy loves to color and paint and drawing, the art pieces he creates shows his talent. Another boy is a musician who loves music. The text also states, "He became a great musical composer, a master, of whom every country has the right to say, 'He was mine, for he was the world's." This evidence shows that the boy has a passion for listening and playing music. In conclusion, these two boys are different, but they are both passionate.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    Based from the story the snails are acting like human.The first wait he they were acting like human was they adopted a child.According to the text, they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child."This shows that they adopted a child but thats what only humans can do not snails so it shows that the snail are acting like humans.The second way they are acting like humans is by speaking.The text also states,""Listen!" said the Father Snail" and ""There are drops, too," said the Mother Snail."This shows that they are speaking and snails don't speak,they can't speak their snails they only use their mouths to eat.Based on this and my background knowledge this is called personification.

Original Version:

Based from the story the snails are acting like human.The first wait he they were acting like human was they adopted a child.According to the text, they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child."This shows that they adopted a child but thats what only humans can do not snails so it shows that the snail are acting like humans.The second way they are acting like humans is by speaking.The text also states,""Listen!" said the Father Snail" and ""There are drops, too," said the Mother Snail."This shows that they are speaking and snails don't speak,they can't speak their snails they only use their mouths to eat.Based on this and my background knowledge this is called personification.

Corrections:

Based on the story, the snails are acting like humans.

• • • The preposition is wrong in this context, it should be “on” instead. There should be a comma after “story.” Also, “humans” should be plural as you are talking about multiple not just one human.

The first way they acted like humans was by adopting a child.

• • • There were a few words added her that were unnecessary that I deleted. I also edited the grammar, and fixed the spelling of “way.”

According to the text, “they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child.”

• • • This was a direct quote from the text, so it needs to have quotation marks. Otherwise, it is considered plagiarism.

Only humans adopt children, so this shows that the snails are exhibiting similar behavior.

• • • I made this clause into its own sentence, separating it from the quote. I also reworded it to improve the grammar.

The second way they are acting like humans is by speaking.

• • • Good!


The text also states, "‘Listen!’ said the Father Snail," and " There are drops, too,’ said the Mother Snail."

• • • I corrected the punctuation. When there’s dialogue inside a quoted piece of text, use single quotation marks around those words, and double quotation marks at the beginning and end of the quote.

This shows that the snails are speaking, which is contrary to real snails who do not talk.

• • • I edited this sentence so it wouldn’t be a run-on sentence, and corrected the grammar.

In conclusion, their humanistic behavior in the text is an example of personification.

• • • I edited this sentence to remove the first-person perspective, and to improve the grammar.

Final Version:

Based on the story, the snails are acting like humans. The first way they acted like humans was by adopting a child. According to the text, “they had adopted a little common snail, and had brought it up as their own child.” Only humans adopt children, so this shows that the snails are exhibiting similar behavior. The second way they are acting like humans is by speaking. The text also states, "‘Listen!’ said the Father Snail," and " There are drops, too,’ said the Mother Snail." This shows that the snails are speaking, which is contrary to real snails who do not talk. In conclusion, their humanistic behavior in the text is an example of personification.

Good work! Make sure to quote things correctly to avoid plagiarism.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    The writer is trying to make a message to the reader.The message he try to make to the reader is that do not be so cocksure all the time.Acorrding to the text, "There arose a very terrible storm. All the field-flowers folded their leaves together, or bowed their little heads, while the storm passed over them, but the buckwheat stood erect in its pride. Bend your head as we do, said the flowers.I have no occasion to do so, replied the buckwheat."Bend your head as we do," cried the ears of corn; the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy.But I will not bend my head, said the buckwheat."this shows that he is over confident because he thought he was right and that the others were wrong.The text also states,"the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning."This shows that the writer tried to show that you should not be so cocksure because you might be wrong he shows this with these details because it shows that the wheat was wrong and got a consequence.Based on this, the older is always right.

Original Version:

The writer is trying to make a message to the reader.The message he try to make to the reader is that do not be so cocksure all the time.Acorrding to the text, "There arose a very terrible storm. All the field-flowers folded their leaves together, or bowed their little heads, while the storm passed over them, but the buckwheat stood erect in its pride. Bend your head as we do, said the flowers.I have no occasion to do so, replied the buckwheat."Bend your head as we do," cried the ears of corn; the angel of the storm is coming; his wings spread from the sky above to the earth beneath. He will strike you down before you can cry for mercy.But I will not bend my head, said the buckwheat."this shows that he is over confident because he thought he was right and that the others were wrong.The text also states,"the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning."This shows that the writer tried to show that you should not be so cocksure because you might be wrong he shows this with these details because it shows that the wheat was wrong and got a consequence.Based on this, the older is always right.

Corrections:

The writer is trying to give a message to the reader about not being overconfident.

• • • I combine the first two sentences to make it more concise.

According to the text, "All the field-flowers folded their leaves together or bowed their little heads, while the storm passed over them, but the buckwheat stood erect in its pride. Bend your head as we do, said the flowers. I have no occasion to do so, replied the buckwheat."

• • • This quote was too long, I shortened it to fix this issue. I also corrected the spelling of “according.”

This shows that he is overconfident because he thought he was right and that the others were wrong.

• • • The first word of the sentence needs to be capitalized.

The text also states, “the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning."

• • • The quotation mark was facing the wrong way, so I fixed this.

This shows that the writer is conveying that you shouldn’t be cocksure, as you might be wrong. This is proven by the fact that buckwheat ends up being wrong, and suffers the consequences.

• • • This was originally a run-on sentence. I edited this to correct the grammar, and make it less repetitive.

In conclusion, you should respect your elders and not assume you’re always right.

• • • I edited the conclusion sentence to improve the grammar and flow.

Good job! Make sure to proofread your work for grammar mistakes.

Final Version:

The writer is trying to give a message to the reader about not being overconfident. According to the text, "All the field-flowers folded their leaves together or bowed their little heads, while the storm passed over them, but the buckwheat stood erect in its pride. Bend your head as we do, said the flowers. I have no occasion to do so, replied the buckwheat." This shows that he is overconfident because he thought he was right and that the others were wrong. The text also states, “the buckwheat lay like a weed in the field, burnt to blackness by the lightning." This shows that the writer is conveying that you shouldn’t be cocksure, as you might be wrong. This is proven by the fact that buckwheat ends up being wrong, and suffers the consequences. In conclusion, you should respect your elders and not assume you’re always right.

    Each princess was different from one another.The princess were different because they all had different shaped place with different types of plants.According to the text,  "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden".This shows that all of the princesses had their own little gardens which are places with different types of plants.The text also stated, "One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams"."She would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy."This shows that all the princesses had different types of shaped garden with plants.Based on this every princess has a unique type of style.

Original Version:

Each princess was different from one another.The princess were different because they all had different shaped place with different types of plants.According to the text, "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden".This shows that all of the princesses had their own little gardens which are places with different types of plants.The text also stated, "One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams"."She would have nothing besides the rosy flowers like the sun up above, except a statue of a beautiful boy."This shows that all the princesses had different types of shaped garden with plants.Based on this every princess has a unique type of style.

Corrections:

The princesses in the story are different from one another.

• • • I added “in the story” so the reader knows what you are referring to.

The princesses are different because they all have different shaped gardens and plants.

• • • I edited this sentence to correct the grammar. I changed the verbs to their present tense form and fixed the spelling of “princesses” as well.

According to the text, "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden.”

• • • Place the period inside the quotation mark.

This shows that all of the princesses had their own little gardens, with a variety of plants.

• • • I edited the sentence to correct the grammar.

The text also stated, "One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams.”

• • • Make sure to put the period inside the quotation mark at the end of the sentence. You also don’t need two quotes, so I deleted one of them.

This shows that all the princesses had different shaped gardens. In conclusion, each princess had a unique sense of style.

• • • I edited these two sentences to improve the grammar.

Great work! Proofread your paragraph for punctuation and grammar errors.

Final Version:

The princesses in the story are different from one another. The princesses are different because they all have different shaped gardens and plants. According to the text, "Each little princess had her own little plot of garden.” This shows that all of the princesses had their own little gardens, with a variety of plants. The text also stated, "One made her flower-bed in the shape of a whale; another thought it nice to have hers like a little mermaid; but the youngest made hers quite round like the sun, and she would only have flowers of a rosy hue like its beams.” This shows that all the princesses had different shaped gardens. In conclusion, each princess had a unique sense of style.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    The Boston Dynamics robot dog assists during the COVID-19 Pandemic.One way they are assisting is by helping doctors able to communicate with the patient but not going close to them.According to the text,"Equipped with an iPad "face" and a two-way radio that allows for real-time conversation, Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them."This shows that this robotic Dynamics are helping the doctors with keeping in touch with the patient but at the same time not interacting with them.Another way that the robots are helping is by actually going to their homes so they can stay home except for walking or driving to the hospital,where they might get sick so they could just stay home and let the service come to them.The text also states,"The company says the doctors can even use Spot to talk to patients from the safety of their own homes."This shows that the robot can come to your location so you don't have to go to the hospital your self which keeps you more healthier and gives you a lower risk of getting the virus.Based on this the robot was a lot of help to the doctors.

Original Version:

The Boston Dynamics robot dog assists during the COVID-19 Pandemic.One way they are assisting is by helping doctors able to communicate with the patient but not going close to them.According to the text,"Equipped with an iPad "face" and a two-way radio that allows for real-time conversation, Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them."This shows that this robotic Dynamics are helping the doctors with keeping in touch with the patient but at the same time not interacting with them.Another way that the robots are helping is by actually going to their homes so they can stay home except for walking or driving to the hospital, where they might get sick so they could just stay home and let the service come to them.The text also states,"The company says the doctors can even use Spot to talk to patients from the safety of their own homes."This shows that the robot can come to your location so you don't have to go to the hospital your self which keeps you more healthier and gives you a lower risk of getting the virus.Based on this the robot was a lot of help to the doctors.

Corrections:

The Boston Dynamics robot dog assists hospital workers during the COVID-19 Pandemic.

• • • Good! Just make sure it’s clear who the dogs are assisting, I added “hospital workers.”

One way they are assisting is by helping doctors communicate with patients without having to get close to them.

• • • The phrasing of this sentence was a bit awkward at parts. I reworded the sentence to fix the grammar.

According to the text, "Equipped with an iPad ‘face’ and a two-way radio that allows for real-time conversation, Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them."

• • • Great! Make sure when you quote a word within a quote, use single quotation marks around that word.

This shows that the robots are helping the doctors keep in touch with patients without physically interacting with them.

• • • Dynamics is the name of the robotic company, not the name of the robot, so I deleted that word. This sentence was also a bit too wordy, I edited it for clarity and to make it more concise.

Another way that the robots are helping is by going to patients’ homes, so they can stay home and avoid getting themselves or others sick.

• • • This was originally a run-on sentence. I edited it to shorten the sentence.

The text also states, "The company says the doctors can even use Spot to talk to patients from the safety of their own homes."

• • • Good!


This shows that the robot can come to your location, so you don't have to go to the hospital yourself. The robots keep you healthy and lower your risk of getting the virus.

• • • Yourself needs to be one word. “More healthier” is a double comparative, so I deleted the “more” and changed it to “healthy.” A comma is needed after the word “location.” I also broke the sentence into two to avoid it being a run-on sentence.

In conclusion, this robot was a lot of help to the doctors.

• • • I reworded the sentence to strengthen the conclusion.

Great job! Make sure to check your work for run-on sentences and spacing errors.

Final Version:

The Boston Dynamics robot dog assists hospital workers during the COVID-19 Pandemic. One way they are assisting is by helping doctors communicate with patients without having to get close to them. According to the text, “Equipped with an iPad ‘face’ and a two-way radio that allows for real-time conversation, Spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in contact with them.” This shows that the robots are helping the doctors keep in touch with patients without physically interacting with them. Another way that the robots are helping is by going to patients’ homes, so they can stay home and avoid getting themselves or others sick. The text also states, “The company says the doctors can even use Spot to talk to patients from the safety of their own homes.” This shows that the robot can come to your location, so you don’t have to go to the hospital yourself. The robots keep you healthy and lower your risk of getting the virus. In conclusion, this robot was a lot of help to the doctors.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    Something happened to the research participants during the study.One thing that happened is that they found out that the participants brains were washed with a huge wave of cerebrospinal.According to the text, "the results of the study in the journal Science in late 2019, found that similar to rats and baboons, large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle."This shows that this liquid would wash through the participants brain when they are in a really deep sleep.The second thing that happened is that they also learned that neurons switch of and on in the brains of the participants when they sleep.The text also states,"Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion."This shows that neurons switching on and off in the sleep it also shows that synchronized fashion is similar to the on and off switching.Based on this i can conclude that there are many things about our brains that we don't know yet.

Original Version:

Something happened to the research participants during the study.One thing that happened is that they found out that the participants brains were washed with a huge wave of cerebrospinal.According to the text, "the results of the study in the journal Science in late 2019, found that similar to rats and baboons, large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle."This shows that this liquid would wash through the participants brain when they are in a really deep sleep.The second thing that happened is that they also learned that neurons switch of and on in the brains of the participants when they sleep.The text also states,"Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion."This shows that neurons switching on and off in the sleep it also shows that synchronized fashion is similar to the on and off switching.Based on this i can conclude that there are many things about our brains that we don't know yet.

Corrections:

Many things happened to the research participants during the sleep study.

• • • Because you are discussing two different things that happened, I used “many” instead of “something.” I also added, “sleep study” to define what study you are talking about.

One thing that happened is that they discovered a wave of cerebrospinal fluid wash through the participants’ brains.

• • • “Participants” should be in the possessive form as the noun is possessing something, the brains. I also rephrased the sentence to make it into the active voice instead of passive, making the subject of the clause perform the action. You were also missing “fluid” after “cerebrospinal.”

According to the text, "the results of the study in the journal Science in late 2019, found that similar to rats and baboons, large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle."

• • • Good!

This shows that the liquid would wash through the participants’ brains when they are in a really deep sleep.

• • • “Participants” should again be in the possessive form, and “brains” should be in plural form as you are referring to multiple participants, not just one.

The text also states, "Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion."

• • • Good! Just make sure to add a space after the comma.

This confirms that neurons are switching on and off in the sleep. It also shows that the neurons synchronized activity is similar to turning a switch on and off.

• • • You already used the phrase “this shows” in a previous sentence. I changed the phrase to add more of a variety of word choices. The sentence subject was also missing a verb, so I changed it to “neurons are.” The phrase “in the sleep,” didn’t sound right, so I reworded it. I also split the sentence into two, to avoid it being a run-on sentence. The verb form of “switching” is incorrect, it should be “switch.” Overall, I reworded the sentence to improve its grammar.

In conclusion, there are many things about our brains that we don't know yet.

• • • I deleted the use of “I” to make the sentence be in the third person. Also, I’m not sure if your concluding sentence fits the central idea of the paragraph. Consider revising this.

Good work! You did a great job picking out evidence and detailing the sleep study. Make sure to use correct punctuation.

Final Version:

Many things happened to the research participants during the sleep study. One thing that happened is that they discovered a wave of cerebrospinal fluid wash through the participants' brains. According to the text, "the results of the study in the journal Science in late 2019, found that similar to rats and baboons, large waves of cerebrospinal fluid washed through the participants' brains during non-REM sleep, the deepest part of the cycle." This shows that the liquid would wash through the participants' brains when they are in a really deep sleep. The text also states, "Even more interesting, the EEG readings showed that during this time, neurons started to turn off and on in a synchronized fashion." This confirms that neurons are switching on and off in the sleep. It also shows that the neurons synchronized activity is similar to turning a switch on and off. In conclusion, there are many things about our brains that we don't know yet.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    We can help the earth to improve the earth in different ways.One way we can help improve the earth is by turning of the faucet when i brush my teeth instead of leaving it on.According to the text, it states"Turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth can conserve up to eight gallons of water a day."This shows that just by turning of the faucet when we brush our teeth can save so much water.The second way we can help improve the earth is by reusing plastic bottles to make something out of it.According to the text,"A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down! But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter." This shows that instead of destroying the earth with these plastic bottles we can reuse it and not only are we saving mother nature by doing this we are also making something that we can use for ourself.Based on this we can help improve the world by doing simple things.

Original Version:

We can help the earth to improve the earth in different ways.One way we can help improve the earth is by turning of the faucet when i brush my teeth instead of leaving it on.According to the text, it states"Turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth can conserve up to eight gallons of water a day."This shows that just by turning of the faucet when we brush our teeth can save so much water.The second way we can help improve the earth is by reusing plastic bottles to make something out of it.According to the text,"A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down! But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter." This shows that instead of destroying the earth with these plastic bottles we can reuse it and not only are we saving mother nature by doing this we are also making something that we can use for ourself.Based on this we can help improve the world by doing simple things.

Corrections:

We can help the earth to improve the earth in different ways.

• • • Good!

One way we can help improve the earth is by turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth instead of leaving it on.

• • • I corrected the spelling of “off.” I also deleted the use of “I” so the sentence would be in the third person, helping your writing sound more formal.

According to the text, "Turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth can conserve up to eight gallons of water a day."

• • • Because you said “according to the text,” the phrase “it states” is unnecessary.

This shows that just by turning off the faucet when we brush our teeth can save so much water.

• • • I corrected the spelling of “off” again. But otherwise, the sentence is great!

The second way we can help improve the earth is by reusing plastic bottles to make something out of it.

• • • Good!

The text states, “A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down! But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter."

• • • Because you used “according to the text” in a prior sentence, I changed it to “the text states” so it would be less repetitive.

This shows that instead of destroying the earth with these plastic bottles, we can reuse them. Not only are we saving mother nature by doing this, but we are also making something that we can use for ourselves.

• • • I changed “it” to “them” as you are talking about multiple plastic bottles, not a singular bottle. There should also be a comma after “bottles,” as there needs to be a pause in the sentence there. The original version was a run-on sentence, so I broke it into two different sentences. There needs to be a comma after the word “this.” Also, the sentence is missing part of the “not only…but also” construction. Because of this, I added the word “but” after the comma. Lastly, the pronoun “ourself” is incorrect in this case, it should be “ourselves” as you are referring to multiple people, not just yourself.

Great work! You did a good job explaining your evidence and making your answer clear to the reader. Make sure to proofread your work for spelling errors, and for run-on sentences.

Final Version:

We can help the earth to improve the earth in different ways. One way we can help improve the earth is by turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth instead of leaving it on. According to the text, “Turning off the faucet when you brush your teeth can conserve up to eight gallons of water a day.” This shows that just by turning off the faucet when we brush our teeth can save so much water. The second way we can help improve the earth is by reusing plastic bottles to make something out of it. The text states, “A plastic bottle sticks around for way longer—it can take over 450 years to break down! But instead of turning to the trash bin, you could turn these items into an awesome telescope or a flower planter.” This shows that instead of destroying the earth with these plastic bottles, we can reuse them. Not only are we saving mother nature by doing this, but we are also making something that we can use for ourselves.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    The boy are helping the seniors.They help the seniors by getting their groceries.According to the text it states that,"Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need".This shows that they are helping them get their food and things they will need during this pandemic of the COVID-19 and also stay healthy and don't have to go outside to do there groceries.The second thing that they are helping the seniors are is delivering it to them.They also helped one man who's name is Matthew Casertano,"Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries".This shows that they delivered the bag full of his groceries that he needed at his door.Based on this i can infer that these boys are very thoughtful and have a good personality.

Original Version:

The boy are helping the seniors.They help the seniors by getting their groceries.According to the text it states that,"Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need".This shows that they are helping them get their food and things they will need during this pandemic of the COVID-19 and also stay healthy and don't have to go outside to do there groceries.The second thing that they are helping the seniors are is delivering it to them.They also helped one man who's name is Matthew Casertano,"Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries".This shows that they delivered the bag full of his groceries that he needed at his door.Based on this i can infer that these boys are very thoughtful and have a good personality.

Corrections:

The boys are helping seniors by getting their groceries.

• • • I combined the first two sentences into two to avoid either being a fragmented sentence.

According to the text, "Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need.”

• • • “According to the text it states that” was grammatically incorrect by not using any commas, it also sounded a bit repetitive. I changed it to improve the grammar and flow of the sentence. Also, remember that periods need to go inside the quotation marks at the end of the sentence.

This shows that the boys are helping seniors get their food and things they will need during this pandemic. The seniors can stay healthy by not having to go outside to do their grocery shopping.

• • • I replaced “they” and “them” with “the boys” and “seniors” so the reader will know who you are referring to in this sentence. The original version was also a run-on sentence, so I broke it into two sentences. I reworded parts of the last sentence as well to improve the grammar. Lastly, it should be “their” when referring to the seniors, as they are a group of people, not a place.

The second way that they are helping the seniors is by delivering food to them.

• • • I replaced “thing” with “way” as I thought it was a better word choice for the context of the sentence. I also reworded the sentence to improve the grammar.

They also helped one man named Matthew Casertano, "Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries.”

• • • Remember to add a space after a comma. Also, the period at the end of the quote needs to go inside the quotation mark.

This shows that they delivered the bag full of the groceries that he needed at his door.

• • • Good! I only changed “his” to “the” as “his” is a redundant possessive pronoun in this context. 


Based on the evidence, the boys are very thoughtful by helping seniors in need during this time.

• • • I deleted “I” so the sentence would be in the third person. I also added the word “evidence” so it would be clear what “this” is referring to. I also reworded the end of the sentence for context reasons.

Great work! You did a good job selecting evidence and explaining it. Be cautious of run-on sentences and punctuation mistakes.

Final Version:

The boys are helping seniors by getting their groceries. According to the text, “Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need.” This shows that the boys are helping seniors get their food and things they will need during this pandemic. The seniors can stay healthy by not having to go outside to do their grocery shopping. The second way that they are helping the seniors is by delivering food to them. They also helped one man named Matthew Casertano, “Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries.” This shows that they delivered the bag full of the groceries that he needed at his door. Based on the evidence, the boys are very thoughtful by helping seniors in need during this time.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    The story reports that there are two ways Earth Day is being celebrated.The first way is that you could do the 22 day challenge.According to the story it states that, "The non-profit organization has also put together a 22-day challenge that families can undertake to protect the planet". This shows that since Earth Day is about saving the environment they could do the 22 day challenge which helps and protects the planet these challenges are able to be done at home so you don't have to go outside and pick up trash you can do it at home.The second way is that they can go on the NASA program that has many things you can enjoy at home.The story also states that, "The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home".This shows that NASA's program has collections of fun activities you can do at home and not need to go outside for these activities.Based on this i can conclude that many people are taking a part to help kids celebrate Earth Day.

Original Version:

The story reports that there are two ways Earth Day is being celebrated.The first way is that you could do the 22 day challenge.According to the story it states that, "The non-profit organization has also put together a 22-day challenge that families can undertake to protect the planet". This shows that since Earth Day is about saving the environment they could do the 22 day challenge which helps and protects the planet these challenges are able to be done at home so you don't have to go outside and pick up trash you can do it at home.The second way is that they can go on the NASA program that has many things you can enjoy at home.The story also states that, "The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home".This shows that NASA's program has collections of fun activities you can do at home and not need to go outside for these activities.Based on this i can conclude that many people are taking a part to help kids celebrate Earth Day.

Corrections:

The story describes two ways that Earth Day is celebrated.

• • • I edited this sentence for grammar.

The first way to celebrate Earth Day is by doing the 22-day challenge.

• • • Instead of using “you,” try speaking in a more general sense. This makes the paragraph easier to read when it is not directly addressing the person reading it. I also added the subject “Earth Day” to make what you are referencing clearer. Also, the word “22-day” needs a hyphen in the middle of it.

According to the story, "The non-profit organization has also put together a 22-day challenge that families can undertake to protect the planet.”

• • • The introduction to the quote sounded a bit clunky. I deleted “it states that” to make the introduction to the quote sound less repetitive. Also, remember that periods go inside quotation marks at the end of the sentence.

The 22-day challenge is a way to celebrate Earth Day, as it encourages people to help protect the planet while staying at home.

• • • The first version of this sentence was too long, making it hard to read. I rephrased the sentence to make it more concise and readable.

The NASA program also has a way to celebrate Earth Day while remaining at home.

• • • I rephrased and reworded the sentence to fix the grammar and improve the flow of the sentence.

The story states that "The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home.”

• • • I comma is not necessary after the word “that,” so I deleted it. Also, I moved the period at the end of the paragraph inside the quotation mark.

This shows that NASA's program has a collection of fun activities that you can do at home without the need to go outside.

• • • I changed it to “a collection” as it is one collection of multiple things, not multiple different collections. I also added “that” in front of “you can do at home” to make it grammatically correct. I also deleted the second use of the word “activities,” as you already used that word early in the sentence.

Great work! Make sure to correctly punctuate your quotes by putting the periods inside quotation marks. Also, try to avoid being repetitive by making your sentences shorter and by choosing a wider variety of words.

Final Version:

The story describes two ways that Earth Day is celebrated. The first way to celebrate Earth Day is by doing the 22-day challenge. According to the story, “The non-profit organization has also put together a 22-day challenge that families can undertake to protect the planet.” The 22-day challenge is a way to celebrate Earth Day, as it encourages people to help protect the planet while staying at home. The NASA program also has a way to celebrate Earth Day while remaining at home. The story states that “The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home.” This shows that NASA's program has a collection of fun activities that you can do at home without the need to go outside.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    In the story William achieved some accomplishments.The first accomplishment he achieved was getting a lot of food.The text states that," Seven years later he's collected more than 55,000 pounds of food".This shows that he collected so much food for the kids who need food that means he achieved the goal.The second accomplishment he reached was having kids who suffered childhood hunger not suffer from it anymore.The text also states,"They just want to do it, and it ends up being possible.”This shows that he is relating his achievement to kids just happening to achieve their goal because they want to and it says that the kids achieve their goal so that means he achieved his goal of saving the people that suffered from childhood hunger.Based on this i can conclude that William is a hard worker and doesn't give up easily.

Original Version:

 In the story William achieved some accomplishments.The first accomplishment he achieved was getting a lot of food.The text states that," Seven years later he's collected more than 55,000 pounds of food".This shows that he collected so much food for the kids who need food that means he achieved the goal.The second accomplishment he reached was having kids who suffered childhood hunger not suffer from it anymore.The text also states,"They just want to do it, and it ends up being possible.”This shows that he is relating his achievement to kids just happening to achieve their goal because they want to and it says that the kids achieve their goal so that means he achieved his goal of saving the people that suffered from childhood hunger.Based on this i can conclude that William is a hard worker and doesn't give up easily.

Corrections:

In the story, William achieved many accomplishments.

• • • I changed it to “many” as I thought the word choice better applied to the context. I also added a comma after the introductory phrase.

The first accomplishment he achieved was getting a lot of food to end childhood hunger.

• • • Getting a lot of food for what? To explain this, I added that detail in the edited sentence above.

The text states that "Seven years later he's collected more than 55,000 pounds of food."

• • • Remember that periods go inside quotation marks.

This shows that he collected a lot of food for kids who needed it, achieving his goal.

• • • I edited this sentence for grammar and word choice.

The second accomplishment he reached helping kids not suffer from childhood hunger.

• • • I edited this sentence to make it more concise.

The text also states, "They just want to do it, and it ends up being possible.”

• • • Good!

This evidence shows his wish to help those who suffer from childhood hunger and to inspire other kids to help as well.

• • • This next sentence was very long, causing me to get confused. I edited the sentence by rephrasing it and making it shorter.

In conclusion, William is a hard worker and doesn't give up easily.

• • • I deleted “I” to make it into the third person.

Overall, great work! Make sure to proofread for run-on sentences.

Final Version:

In the story, William achieved many accomplishments. The first accomplishment he achieved was getting a lot of food to end childhood hunger. The text states that "Seven years later he's collected more than 55,000 pounds of food." This shows that he collected a lot of food for kids who needed it, achieving his goal. The second accomplishment he reached helping kids not suffer from childhood hunger. The text also states, "They just want to do it, and it ends up being possible.” This evidence shows his wish to help those who suffer from childhood hunger and to inspire other kids to help as well. In conclusion, William is a hard worker and doesn't give up easily.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    There are two new events that are stated in the story.The first new event that is stated in the story is that the Japanese made the app zoom.According to the text the text states that,"Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony".This shows that they made the app zoom so they can see the student in the app for their graduation at home instead of going outside to the place they were supposed to go for their graduation if the COVID-19 was not here.The second new event that is stated in the text is the robot which pretends to be you and your the head but you get the felling that your their.The text also states that,"avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap and shout-out their "congratulations," via a digital tablet attached to each New"me"'s head. Once Mr".This shows that they get the feeling of what its like to be their and it also shows that those robots pretend to be you by wearing the cap and gown that your supposed to wear for your graduation.Based on this i can conclude that the Japanese are really smart.

Original Version:

There are two new events that are stated in the story. The first new event that is stated in the story is that the Japanese made the app zoom.According to the text the text states that,"Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony".This shows that they made the app zoom so they can see the student in the app for their graduation at home instead of going outside to the place they were supposed to go for their graduation if the COVID-19 was not here.The second new event that is stated in the text is the robot which pretends to be you and your the head but you get the felling that your their.The text also states that,"avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap and shout-out their "congratulations," via a digital tablet attached to each New"me"'s head. Once Mr".This shows that they get the feeling of what its like to be their and it also shows that those robots pretend to be you by wearing the cap and gown that your supposed to wear for your graduation.Based on this i can conclude that the Japanese are really smart

Corrections:

Two new events are stated in the story. The first new event discussed is that the app Zoom was made in Japan.

• • • The first sentence was a bit wordy, I shortened it to make it more concise. You already used “stated” in the previous sentence, so I used “discussed” instead. Also, the app “Zoom” needs to be capitalized. Lastly, I changed the phrasing of the end of the sentence to correct the grammar.

According to the text, "Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony."

• • • The introduction to the quote was a bit long, so I deleted the last half of the phrase. Also, remember that periods go inside the quotation marks at the end of the sentence.

This shows that they made the app Zoom so students can attend their graduation at home while the threat of COVID-19 prevents them from going outside.

• • • This sentence was a run-on sentence. I edited it for grammar and fluidity.

The second event described in the text is where a robot pretends to be a student, making them feel like they’re there.

• • • I edited this sentence for grammar and spelling mistakes. There was also a bit of repetition, so I replaced “stated” with “described.”

The text also states that "avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap.”

• • • The quotation was a bit long, so I deleted the words following the word “clap.”

In conclusion, this shows that students were able to feel like they were at the graduation ceremony by using robots to wear their cap and gowns and attend in their place.

• • • This sentence was a bit muddled, so I edited it to improve the phrasing. I also added the phrase “in conclusion” to help the transition into your concluding statement.

Overall, great work! Make sure t to read the sentences out loud to see how well they all flow together. This will help you avoid repletion and run-on sentences.

Final Version:

Two new events are stated in the story. The first new event discussed is that the app Zoom was made in Japan. According to the text, "Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony." This shows that they made the app Zoom so students can attend their graduation at home while the threat of COVID-19 prevents them from going outside. The second event described in the text is where a robot pretends to be a student, making them feel like they’re there. The text also states that, "avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president. The graduate was able to experience the event, and hear the handful of school staff in attendance clap.” In conclusion, this shows that students were able to feel like they were at the graduation ceremony by using robots to wear their cap and gowns and attend in their place.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    If a person wants to become an astronaut their are requirements.One requirement is that you have to have great amounts of education.According to the story it states,"NASA is requiring higher level of education".This shows that they are wanting people with higher education then before.Another thing that NASA requires to be an astronaut is to have experience with something, any experience.The text also states that,"You have to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience will be accepted".This shows that you have to have experience with any work to be able to get in and be an astronaut in training.Based on this i can tell that NASA wants people that are good in working and have experienced the problems that they might have to face and might be able to fix it.

Original Version:

If a person wants to become an astronaut their are requirements.One requirement is that you have to have great amounts of education.According to the story it states,"NASA is requiring higher level of education".This shows that they are wanting people with higher education then before.Another thing that NASA requires to be an astronaut is to have experience with something, any experience.The text also states that,"You have to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience will be accepted".This shows that you have to have experience with any work to be able to get in and be an astronaut in training.Based on this i can tell that NASA wants people that are good in working and have experienced the problems that they might have to face and might be able to fix it.

Corrections:

If a person wants to become an astronaut, there are a few requirements.

• • • Use “there” when using it as a contraction of “there” and “are.” “Their” is a personal pronoun, used to refer to people.

One requirement for astronauts is to have a considerable amount of education.

• • • I added “for astronauts” in the edited sentence, to make it clear who needs to complete the requirement. I also changed the word choice of “great” to “considerable,” as it’s a more specific synonym that fits the context better.

According to the story, "NASA is requiring a higher level of education.”

• • • “According to the story” and “it states” sounds redundant. To introduce the quotation, choose one of these to make it sound less repetitive. Also, remember that periods go inside quotation marks, not outside of them.

This shows that NASA wants people with a higher education more than before.

• • • The “they” in your sentence is undefined, so I added “NASA” to provide the reader with more clarity. Also, use “than,” as you are comparing their past requirements to their current requirements. “Then” is used when you are talking about time.

Another thing that NASA requires to be an astronaut is to have experience in other fields of work.

• • • The first version of your sentence sounded a bit ambiguous. I added “in other fields of work” to define the requirement more clearly.

The text also states that "You have to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience will be accepted.”

• • • Remember to put the period inside the quotation mark at the end of the sentence.

This shows that people need to have a variety of work to be able to train as an astronaut.

• • • Instead of “any work,” I changed it to “a variety of work.” I think that NASA wants them to have a background of work experience in related fields, not just “any” field.

In conclusion, NASA wants people with good work experience who can solve problems that they might face as an astronaut.

• • • I edited this sentence for grammar and clarity. I changed “Based on this” to “In conclusion” to make it more concise. I also removed “I” to make the sentence into the third person.

Great job! Just make sure to check your spacing and to use correct pronouns.

Final Version:

If a person wants to become an astronaut, there are a few requirements. One requirement for astronauts is to have a considerable amount of education. According to the story, “NASA is requiring a higher level of education.” This shows that NASA wants people with a higher education more than before. Another thing that NASA requires to be an astronaut is to have experience in other fields of work. The text also states that “You have to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience will be accepted.” This shows that people need to have a variety of work to be able to train as an astronaut. In conclusion, NASA wants people with good work experience who can solve problems that they might face as an astronaut.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

    There are to opposing views in the article.The first opposing view is Mayor De Blasio he says that we should shut down school.According to the story it states that,"New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year Mayor de Blasio announced Saturday".This shows that the Mayor de Blasio spoke up and told the people that we were going to have to shut down schools because his point of view was that because of the COVID19 and since it was getting worse he said preferred to shut down the schools.The second point of view is Cuomo's point of view his point of view was that the schools should not be closed and kids should not do remote learning.For the second evidence the story also states that,"Gov.Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city's more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely for at least through June 26".This shows that Gov.Andrew Cuomo thinks that the Mayor de Blasio was thinking like child and by what he says it shows he doesn't like the idea.Based on this i can conclude that Mayor de Blasio and Gov.Andrew Cuomo doesn't always get along.

Original Version:

There are to opposing views in the article.The first opposing view is Mayor De Blasio he says that we should shut down school.According to the story it states that,"New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year Mayor de Blasio announced Saturday".This shows that the Mayor de Blasio spoke up and told the people that we were going to have to shut down schools because his point of view was that because of the COVID19 and since it was getting worse he said preferred to shut down the schools.The second point of view is Cuomo's point of view his point of view was that the schools should not be closed and kids should not do remote learning.For the second evidence the story also states that,"Gov.Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city's more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely for at least through June 26".This shows that Gov.Andrew Cuomo thinks that the Mayor de Blasio was thinking like child and by what he says it shows he doesn't like the idea.Based on this i can conclude that Mayor de Blasio and Gov.Andrew Cuomo doesn't always get along.

Corrections:

There are two opposing views in the article.

• • • Use the word “two” instead of “to,” as you are using it to signify the number two.

The first opposing view comes from Mayor De Blasio, who says that we should shut down schools.

• • • “Mayor De Blasio” isn’t the first opposing view, but he has an opposing view. I rephrased the sentence to reflect this. I also made school plural, as you are talking about him shutting down multiple school in New York.

According to the story, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that “New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year.”

• • • Using “according to the story” and “the story states that” is a bit redundant. Consider choosing only one of the phrases to introduce the quote. In the edited sentence, I used “according to.” Also, the quote ends after the word “year.” What comes after is an attribution by the journalist, and is not part of the quote. Instead, I moved the explanation of who said the quote to the beginning to the sentence.

This shows that Mayor de Blasio spoke up about shutting down schools due to COVID 19, to prevent the situation from getting worse.

• • • This was a run-on sentence, which could make readers a bit confused. I edited the sentence by shortening and rephrasing it. I also removed the article “the” before the word “mayor,” as it is unnecessary in this context.

The second point of view comes from Cuomo, who thinks that the schools should not be closed as it would force kids to learn remotely.

• • • The way you stated the sentence made it seem like Cuomo “is” the point of view. I edited the sentence so it would be clear that Cuomo has the other point of view. I also added a comma and rephrased the second half of the sentence to make it flow better.

The story also states that “Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city's more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely for at least through June 26.”

• • • The introduction to the quote sounded a bit clunky, so I deleted “for the second evidence,” as it wasn’t necessary to the sentence. Also, remember that periods go inside quotation marks.

This shows that Gov. Andrew Cuomo thinks that Mayor de Blasio's decision to close schools was unwise.

• • • “Thinking like a child” sounds a bit aggressive. I used the word “unwise” instead.

In conclusion, Mayor de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo don’t always agree.

• • • I took out the use of the pronoun “I,” and just used “in conclusion” to keep the sentence in the third person. I also changed “get along” to “agree” as I thought it was a better word choice for the context. You are talking about having different points of view, instead of how they behave with each other.

Great work! You selected evidence that backed up your thinking really well. Some of your sentences were a bit long, consider reading them out loud to see how the sentence flows.

Full Version:

There are two opposing views in the article. The first opposing view comes from Mayor De Blasio, who says that we should shut down schools. According to the story, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that “New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year.” This shows that Mayor de Blasio spoke up about shutting down schools due to COVID 19, to prevent the situation from getting worse. The second point of view comes from Cuomo, who thinks that the schools should not be closed as it would force kids to learn remotely. The story also states that “Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city's more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely for at least through June 26.” This shows that Gov. Andrew Cuomo thinks that Mayor de Blasio's decision to close schools was unwise. In conclusion, Mayor de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo don’t always agree. 

Edited by Hayley Taylor

Source: https://chalkbeat.org/posts/ny/2020/04/11/nyc-school-buildings-to-remain-closed-for-rest-of-year-de-blasio-announces/

    There are two reasons why Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.The first reason is because they are important to the ecosystem.According to the text it states right their that "important to the ecosystem because they are predators to smaller organism and prey for larger creatures ".This shows that since they are both prey and predators they are very important to the ecosystems.The second reason why they are reappearing in Maryland is that they have a habit of being healthy.According to the story it also says that,"they are indicators of a healthy habit".This shows that the Eastern Tiger Salamanders have a healthy habit and if they have healthy habit that helps the Eastern Tiger Salamanders live and stay alive without getting extinct.Based on this information in the text i can conclude that the Eastern Tiger Salamander helps itself not getting extinct by what it does.

Original Version:

There are two reasons why Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.The first reason is because they are important to the ecosystem.According to the text it states right their that "important to the ecosystem because they are predators to smaller organism and prey for larger creatures ".This shows that since they are both prey and predators they are very important to the ecosystems.The second reason why they are reappearing in Maryland is that they have a habit of being healthy.According to the story it also says that,"they are indicators of a healthy habit".This shows that the Eastern Tiger Salamanders have a healthy habit and if they have healthy habit that helps the Eastern Tiger Salamanders live and stay alive without getting extinct.Based on this information in the text i can conclude that the Eastern Tiger Salamander helps itself not getting extinct by what it does.

Corrections:

There are two reasons why Eastern tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.

• • • Good! The only thing I corrected in this sentence was the capitalization of Eastern tiger salamanders. “Eastern” is the only word capitalized.

One reason the tiger salamanders are reappearing is because they have an important role to play in the ecosystem.

• • • I edited this sentence for grammar and clarity. The sentence was a bit muddled, so I rephrased it so the meaning of the sentence came across more clearly. There was also no space before the first word of the sentence, so I added one.

According to the text, "they are predators to smaller organism and prey for larger creatures.”

• • • I added a space before the first word of the sentence, as you need one proceeding a period. The phrase before the quotation is an introductory one, so I added a comma after it. When you are including a quote, remember that it has to grammatically make sense as a sentence. If you say “According to the text important to…” it doesn’t sound right. The clause and the quote need to work together. To do this, I deleted “important to the ecosystem because,” so the clause and the quotation flows together better. Also, make sure that the period goes inside the quotation mark.

This quote shows that salamanders are both prey and predators, which is why they are very important to the ecosystems.

• • • “This shows that since they are…” isn’t specific. I added “quote” and defined they as “salamanders” to provide more clarity. The sentence also felt like it had two connected but different thoughts, so I separated both clauses with a comma.

The second reason why tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is that they have a habit of being healthy.

• • • You need to define what “they” is on its first use in the sentence. I added “tiger salamanders” so when you use "they" later in the sentence, the reader knows what you are referring to.

The article also states, “since they partially breathe through their skin and require wetlands to breed, lay eggs and develop in their larval stages, they are indicators of a healthy habit.”

• • • I replaced “story” with “article” as I felt it was a better choice of words. I also changed the phrasing, as you used “according to” previously. The part of the quotation that you used doesn’t make much sense when it’s taken out of its context. So, I added the full quotation.

This shows that the Eastern tiger salamanders have healthy habits, which helps them stay alive without getting extinct.

• • • You repeated “they have a healthy habit twice,” so I deleted it the second time it was used and edited the phrasing of the sentence for grammar purposes.

Based on the information in the text, the conclusion is that that the Eastern tiger salamander’s lifestyle prevents them from becoming extinct.

• • • Try to avoid using “I” and write in the third person, as it helps you’re writing seem more professional. I also changed the phrasing of the sentence, as you used similar phrasing previously.

Final Version: There are two reasons why Eastern tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland. One reason the tiger salamanders are reappearing is because they have an important role to play in the ecosystem. According to the text, “they are predators to smaller organism and prey for larger creatures.” This quote shows that salamanders are both prey and predators, which is why they are very important to the ecosystems. The second reason why tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland is that they have a habit of being healthy. The article also states, “since they partially breathe through their skin and require wetlands to breed, lay eggs and develop in their larval stages, they are indicators of a healthy habit.” This shows that the Eastern tiger salamanders have healthy habits, which helps them stay alive without getting extinct. Based on the information in the text, the conclusion is that that the Eastern tiger salamander’s lifestyle prevents them from becoming extinct.

Overall great work! Your evidence backed up your points very well. Just remember to try and use a variety of words when possible, so the sentences don’t sound too similar.

Edited by Hayley Taylor

     Super moons are different then the regular moon that we see.This is because super moons are more bigger .According to the story it states that,"Super moons are usually seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon".This shows that the super moon is more bigger than both average of the full moon and the regular moon we see every night.Super moon is also named after flower.According to the text it states that, "Aprils full moon gets its name from pink wildflowers called phlox".This shows that Aprils full moon flower was phlox and that the name is similar to the flower's name.Based on this i can conclude that the Super moon is not the same as a regular moon that we see every night.

Original Version:

Super moons are different then the regular moon that we see.This is because super moons are more bigger .According to the story it states that,"Super moons are usually seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon".This shows that the super moon is more bigger than both average of the full moon and the regular moon we see every night.Super moon is also named after flower.According to the text it states that, "Aprils full moon gets its name from pink wildflowers called phlox".This shows that Aprils full moon flower was phlox and that the name is similar to the flower's name.Based on this i can conclude that the Super moon is not the same as a regular moon that we see every night.

Corrections:

Super moons are different than the regular moon that we see. This is because super moons are bigger.

• • • Use “than” as you are comparing things, “then” us used to discuss time. ”More bigger” is a double comparative, so I deleted the “more” to make it less repetitive. I also removed the extra space before the period at the end of the second sentence as it is not needed.

According to the text, “Super moons are usually seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon.”

• • • There needs to be a space after a comma and before the next word. Also, periods go inside quotation marks.

This shows that the super moon is bigger than both average of the full moon and the regular moon we see every night.

• • • There needs to be a space after the period at the beginning of a sentence. Also, I deleted the “more” before “bigger” to prevent repetition.

The super moon is also named after a flower.

• • • Super moon needs the determiner “the.” The noun phrase “flower” is also mussing a determiner before it.

The text also states, "Aprils full moon gets its name from pink wildflowers called phlox."

• • • Add a space between the period and the first word of a sentence. You also used “according to” before, so consider using another phrase to make the paragraph less repetitive. Also, make sure to put a period inside the quotation mark at the end of the sentence.

The text proves that April’s full moon resembles the phlox flower that it was named after.

• • • I changed the phrasing of this sentence to correct the grammar. I also added a space after the period and before the first word of the sentence. The month of April needs to be in the possessive form, as it is possessing the moonflower.

Final Version:

Super moons are different than the regular moon that we see. This is because super moons are bigger. According to the text, “Super moons are usually seven percent bigger and 15 percent brighter than the average full moon.” This shows that the super moon is bigger than both average of the full moon and the regular moon we see every night. The super moon is also named after a flower. The text also states, "Aprils full moon gets its name from pink wildflowers called phlox." The text proves that April’s full moon resembles the phlox flower that it was named after.

Great work!

Edited by Hayley Taylor

Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2020/4/1/aprils-super-pink-moon-will-be-this-years-biggest-and-brightest-full-moon

       There are positive and negative effects about social distancing.The positive effects about social distancing is that you stop the increasing amount of people having the corona virus.It states,  "the positive effects is  "to limit the corona virus" health experts say to "practice social distancing".This shows how practicing social distancing can be positive and protect us from being close to each one another,so the corona virus doesn't spread to other people.But the negative part of practicing social distancing is that people will have a hard time staying distant from close family members and friends,it can not only effect the adults, but the kids too because kids have friends that they will miss.Another statement from the text is "learning from home instead of school" and "canceling playdates and sports events".Based on this i can conclude that social distancing has a negative and positive effects.

Original version: There are positive and negative effects about social distancing.The positive effects about social distancing is that you stop the increasing amount of people having the corona virus.It states, "the positive effects is "to limit the corona virus" health experts say to "practice social distancing".This shows how practicing social distancing can be positive and protect us from being close to each one another,so the corona virus doesn't spread to other people.But the negative part of practicing social distancing is that people will have a hard time staying distant from close family members and friends,it can not only effect the adults, but the kids too because kids have friends that they will miss.Another statement from the text is "learning from home instead of school" and "canceling playdates and sports events".Based on this i can conclude that social distancing has a negative and positive effects.

Corrections:

There are positive and negatives effects of social distancing.

• • • I removed the extra space before “there.” I also replaced “about” with “of” as it is a more correct preposition to use in this sentence.

One positive effect of social distancing is the prevention of increasing the number of people having the coronavirus.

• • • I changed the phrasing of the sentence for grammar. I also added a space after the period at the beginning of the sentence. I changed words in the sentence to improve the word choice. Coronavirus is one word. I replaced “amount” with “number” as “people” is a countable noun that needs a countable quantifier.

The text states that “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing to limit the spread of the coronavirus.”

• • I added the full quotation in the edited sentence, as yours was broken up which made the quote incomplete.

This quote shows how practicing social distancing can be a positive thing and protect us from being close to each one another, so the coronavirus doesn't spread to other people.

• • • I removed the extra space added at the beginning of the sentence. I added the word quote after “this” to make what you are referring to more specific to the reader, as well as added “thing” after “positive” to improve the grammar of the sentence. I also added a space after the comma as it is needed. Coronavirus should also be one word.

But the negative part of practicing social distancing is that people will have a hard time staying distant from close family members and friends. It not only affects the adults but kids too because kids have friends that they will miss.

• • • I split up the sentence into two to correct the grammar. It should be “affect” instead of “effect,” as you are speaking of the coronavirus impacting something instead of being the result. I also rephrased the beginning of the second sentence to make it grammatically correct.

The text also states that "learning from home instead of school" and "canceling playdates and sports events” will be difficult. In conclusion, social distancing has negative and positive effects.

• • • I added “will be difficult” at the end of the sentence to make it complete. I deleted “I” to make the sentence into the third person. I also eliminated “a” because you are speaking about multiple things and not just one.

Final Version:

There are positive and negatives effects of social distancing. One positive effect of social distancing is the prevention of increasing the number of people having the coronavirus. The text states that “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing to limit the spread of the coronavirus.” This quote shows how practicing social distancing can be a positive thing and protect us from being close to each one another, so the coronavirus doesn't spread to other people. But the negative part of practicing social distancing is that people will have a hard time staying distant from close family members and friends. It not only affects the adults but kids too because kids have friends that they will miss. The text also states that "learning from home instead of school" and "canceling playdates and sports events” will be difficult. In conclusion, social distancing has negative and positive effects.

Overall, great work! Just remember to write in the third person and to make sure the spacing before and after periods is correct.

Edited by Hayley Taylor