The World for Freedom

Revision as of 22:00, 22 April 2020

Rish's Article Page

               The boys help seniors in some ways. To begin with, they buy fresh food for seniors who can't move around much. The text states, "Kraft, a retired grandfather, has been sheltering at home during the coronavirus outbreak, unable to shop for himself. He is also raising his grandchild who is severely handicapped. Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it home to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found Teens Helping Seniors. Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries." To clarify, Matthew and Dhruv shows up and buys groceries for them. Also, the boys help by giving seniors necessary supplies they need. According to the text it states, "The two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need." This shows the two sophomores planned out a way for Marylanders to help each other and loved ones. To sum up, these are the ways the boys help seniors.

The boys help seniors in some ways.

*** Good.

To begin with, they buy fresh food for seniors who can't move around much.

*** Good.

The text states, "Kraft, a retired grandfather, has been sheltering at home during the coronavirus outbreak, unable to shop for himself. He is also raising his grandchild who is severely handicapped. Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it home to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found Teens Helping Seniors. Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries."

*** Good.

To clarify, Matthew and Dhruv shows up and buys groceries for them.

*** Because there are two people, Matthew and Dhruv, the subject of the sentence is plural and should be paired with plural verbs. Remove the “s” at the end of “shows” and “buys.”

Edited sentence: To clarify, Matthew and Dhruv show up and buy groceries for them.

Also, the boys help by giving seniors necessary supplies they need.

*** This sentence can say “Also, the boys help seniors by giving them…” This way, the sentence more directly states who the boys are helping.

Edited sentence: Also, the boys help seniors by giving them necessary supplies they need.

According to the text it states, "The two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need."

*** Good.

This shows the two sophomores planned out a way for Marylanders to help each other and loved ones.

*** Good.

To sum up, these are the ways the boys help seniors.

*** Good.

Edited paragraph:

The boys help seniors in some ways. To begin with, they buy fresh food for seniors who can't move around much. The text states, "Kraft, a retired grandfather, has been sheltering at home during the coronavirus outbreak, unable to shop for himself. He is also raising his grandchild who is severely handicapped. Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it home to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found Teens Helping Seniors. Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries." To clarify, Matthew and Dhruv show up and buy groceries for them. Also, the boys help seniors by giving them necessary supplies they need. According to the text it states, "The two sophomores from Montgomery Blair High School in Silver Spring, Maryland have devised a way for Marylanders to get together and protect their grandparents and loved ones who have health conditions, by delivering the groceries and necessary supplies they need." This shows the two sophomores planned out a way for Marylanders to help each other and loved ones. To sum up, these are the ways the boys help seniors.

Edited by Penny Yagake

              There are two ways the story reports how people celebrate Earth Day now. To begin with, people could sing songs and post them on twitter. The text states, "In California's Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with 'The Earth Day Sing Out.'" To clarify, people use singing to celebrate Earth Day. Also, they are showing tutorials for recycling and being nature friendly. According to the text it states, "US Space Agency NASA is celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit. The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home. With schools still shuttered in many countries, educators are also getting creative. Some are hosting virtual events to teach recycling practices that students and their families can easily adopt, while others are organizing tutorials to help students create posters and art advocating for action against climate change." This shows tutorials were being held around the world for people to use to recycle. To conclude, these are the two ways the story reports how people celebrate Earth Day now.

There are two ways the story reports how people celebrate Earth Day now.

*** This sentence can start with “The story reports two ways that...”

Edited sentence: The story reports two ways that people can celebrate Earth Day now.

To begin with, people could sing songs and post them on twitter.

*** Capitalize “Twitter.”

Edited sentence: To begin with, people could sing songs and post them on Twitter.

The text states, "In California's Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with 'The Earth Day Sing Out.'"

*** Good.

To clarify, people use singing to celebrate Earth Day.

*** “singing” can be changed to “songs.”

Edited sentence: To clarify, people use songs to celebrate Earth Day.

Also, they are showing tutorials for recycling and being nature friendly.

*** Change “they are showing” to “people are showing.”

Edited sentence: Also, people are showing tutorials for recycling and being nature friendly.

According to the text it states, "US Space Agency NASA is celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit. The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home. With schools still shuttered in many countries, educators are also getting creative. Some are hosting virtual events to teach recycling practices that students and their families can easily adopt, while others are organizing tutorials to help students create posters and art advocating for action against climate change."

*** Good.

This shows tutorials were being held around the world for people to use to recycle.

*** Since these tutorials are happening in the present, as indicated by phrases like “are hosting” and “are organizing,” change “were” to “are.”

Edited sentence: This shows tutorials are being held around the world for people to use to recycle.

To conclude, these are the two ways the story reports how people celebrate Earth Day now.

*** Add “can” before “celebrate.” To improve the flow of the sentence, I moved “the story reports” to the end of the sentence.

Edited sentence: To conclude, these are the two ways people can celebrate Earth Day now, as reported by the story.

Edited paragraph:

The story reports two ways that people can celebrate Earth Day now. To begin with, people could sing songs and post them on Twitter. The text states, "In California's Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with 'The Earth Day Sing Out.'" To clarify, people use songs to celebrate Earth Day. Also, people are showing tutorials for recycling and being nature friendly. According to the text it states, "US Space Agency NASA is celebrating the momentous day with an exclusive Earth Day 50th Anniversary Toolkit. The collection of fun activities, videos, special programs, and other materials will enable kids and adults to observe Earth Day at home. With schools still shuttered in many countries, educators are also getting creative. Some are hosting virtual events to teach recycling practices that students and their families can easily adopt, while others are organizing tutorials to help students create posters and art advocating for action against climate change." This shows tutorials are being held around the world for people to use to recycle. To conclude, these are the two ways people can celebrate Earth Day now, as reported by the story.

Edited by Penny Yagake

                There are some achievements William has accomplished. To begin with, he was recognized as a helpful person. The text states, "Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." This shows he collected tons of food and raised a lot of money for kids who are at risk of hunger. Also, he has created a community which helps kids get food and toiletries. According to the text it states, "He’s expanded his mission, too. With Alexander working as head of advertising, Food Drive Kids also provides emergency food relief to the community, has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday." To clarify, his achievements on making kids less at risk for hunger is one of his greatest achievements. To sum up, these are the achievements William had accomplished.

There are some achievements William has accomplished.

*** Good. If the article mentions William’s last name, you can include that as well.

To begin with, he was recognized as a helpful person.

*** Good.

The text states, "Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree."

*** Good.

This shows he collected tons of food and raised a lot of money for kids who are at risk of hunger.

*** Good.

Also, he has created a community which helps kids get food and toiletries.

*** Good.

According to the text it states, "He’s expanded his mission, too. With Alexander working as head of advertising, Food Drive Kids also provides emergency food relief to the community, has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday."

*** Good.

To clarify, his achievements on making kids less at risk for hunger is one of his greatest achievements.

*** “achievements” does not need to be repeated.

Edited sentence: To clarify, making kids less at risk for hunger is one of his greatest achievements.

To sum up, these are the achievements William had accomplished.

*** Change “has” to “had.”

Edited sentence: To sum up, these are the achievements William has accomplished.

Edited paragraph:

There are some achievements William has accomplished. To begin with, he was recognized as a helpful person. The text states, "Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree." This shows he collected tons of food and raised a lot of money for kids who are at risk of hunger. Also, he has created a community which helps kids get food and toiletries. According to the text it states, "He’s expanded his mission, too. With Alexander working as head of advertising, Food Drive Kids also provides emergency food relief to the community, has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday." To clarify, making kids less at risk for hunger is one of his greatest achievements. To sum up, these are the achievements William has accomplished.

Edited by Penny Yagake

               There are two events stated in the story. To begin with, Japan creates some robots that let people attend their graduation virtually. The text states, "Now, in what is being hailed as an "industry first," a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to "attend" their graduation ceremony without leaving home." This shows the students don't have to get out of their homes to have graduation and they can attend it virtually. Also, Japan creates avatar robots which can help the world. According to the text it states, "Once the COVID-19 pandemic is over, New"me" creator ANA Holdings has plans to deploy the slim, 4.9-foot (1.5-meter) tall machine to "travel" to destinations worldwide on behalf of humans. The company believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on "vacation," and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station. The robots could also enable experts to access disaster-stricken areas or war zones without endangering themselves." To clarify, Japan's robots will soon travel around the world helping people. In conclusion, these are the two events stated in the story.

There are two events stated in the story.

*** Good.

To begin with, Japan creates some robots that let people attend their graduation virtually.

*** Since the robots have already been created, use past tense for this sentence.

Edited sentence: To begin with, Japan created some robots that let people attend their graduation virtually.

The text states, "Now, in what is being hailed as an "industry first," a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to "attend" their graduation ceremony without leaving home."

*** When there is a quote inside of a quote from the text, use single quotation marks (‘) around the inside quotes, shown in the edited sentence below.

Edited sentence: The text states, “Now, in what is being hailed as an ‘industry first,’ a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to ‘attend’ their graduation ceremony without leaving home.”

This shows the students don't have to get out of their homes to have graduation and they can attend it virtually.

*** Since this article describes the robots being used in one graduation ceremony that happened in the past, use past tense for this sentence.

Edited sentence: This shows the students didn’t have to get out of their homes to have graduation and they could attend it virtually.

Also, Japan creates avatar robots which can help the world.

*** Since this is Japan’s future plan, this sentence can be in future tense. Add “will” after “Japan.”

Edited sentence: Also, Japan will create avatar robots which can help the world.

According to the text it states, "Once the COVID-19 pandemic is over, New"me" creator ANA Holdings has plans to deploy the slim, 4.9-foot (1.5-meter) tall machine to "travel" to destinations worldwide on behalf of humans.

*** New”me” should be written as “Newme,” as it is in the article. Use single quotation marks (‘) around the inside quotes, shown in the edited sentence below.

Edited sentence: According to the text it states, “Once the COVID-19 pandemic is over, Newme creator ANA Holdings has plans to deploy the slim, 4.9-foot (1.5-meter) tall machine to ‘travel’ to destinations worldwide on behalf of humans.

The company believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on "vacation," and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station.

*** Use single quotation marks (‘) around the inside quotes, shown in the edited sentence below.

Edited sentence: The company believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on ‘vacation,’ and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station.

The robots could also enable experts to access disaster-stricken areas or war zones without endangering themselves."

*** Good.

To clarify, Japan's robots will soon travel around the world helping people.

*** Good.

In conclusion, these are the two events stated in the story.

*** Good.

*** Check the tense in each sentence to make sure it matches when events in the article happen — for example, if the article states that Japan plans to use the robots in the future, then the sentence would be written as “Japan will use the robots in the future.” When there is a quote inside of a quote from the text, use single quotation marks (‘) around the inside quotes.

Edited paragraph:

There are two events stated in the story. To begin with, Japan created some robots that let people attend their graduation virtually. The text states, “Now, in what is being hailed as an ‘industry first,’ a Tokyo university has used avatar robots to enable students to ‘attend’ their graduation ceremony without leaving home.” This shows the students didn’t have to get out of their homes to have graduation and they could attend it virtually. Also, Japan will create avatar robots which can help the world. According to the text it states, “Once the COVID-19 pandemic is over, Newme creator ANA Holdings has plans to deploy the slim, 4.9-foot (1.5-meter) tall machine to ‘travel’ to destinations worldwide on behalf of humans. The company believes it will enable business people to attend meetings remotely, allow people with mobility issues to go on ‘vacation,’ and help doctors treat critically-ill patients in hard-to-reach places, such as Antarctica or the space station. The robots could also enable experts to access disaster-stricken areas or war zones without endangering themselves." To clarify, Japan's robots will soon travel around the world helping people. In conclusion, these are the two events stated in the story.

Edited by Penny Yagake

               There are requirements to be an astronaut. To begin with, you need to be able to pilot a jet. The text states, "So what does it take to become an astronaut? So what does it take to become an astronaut? ...You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." To clarify, you need to have experience on flying jet airplanes. Also, you have to have a master's degree in STEM. According to the text it states, "So what does it take to become an astronaut? NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math)." This shows having a masters degree in STEM is a requirement to become an astronaut. To conclude, these are the requirements to be an astronaut.

There are requirements to be an astronaut.

*** Good.

To begin with, you need to be able to pilot a jet.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view. Replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “a person” or “they.”

Edited sentence: To begin with, a person needs to be able to pilot a jet.

The text states, "So what does it take to become an astronaut? So what does it take to become an astronaut? ...You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."

*** The “So what does it take to become an astronaut?” part of the quote seems to be repeated. Remove the repetition.

Edited sentence: The text states, “So what does it take to become an astronaut?...You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted."

To clarify, you need to have experience on flying jet airplanes.

*** Remove “on.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view. Replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “a person” or “they.”

Edited sentence: To clarify, a person needs to have experience flying jet airplanes.

Also, you have to have a master's degree in STEM.

*** Replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “a person” or “they.”

Edited sentence: Also, they have to have a master’s degree in STEM.

According to the text it states, "So what does it take to become an astronaut? NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math)."

*** Good.

This shows having a masters degree in STEM is a requirement to become an astronaut.

*** Add an apostrophe before the “s” in “masters.”

Edited sentence: This shows having a master’s degree in STEM is a requirement to become an astronaut.

To conclude, these are the requirements to be an astronaut.

*** Good.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view. Replace “you” with pronouns such as “people” or “a person” or “they.” Watch out for repeated phrases.

Edited paragraph:

There are requirements to be an astronaut. To begin with, a person needs to be able to pilot a jet. The text states, “So what does it take to become an astronaut?...You also need to have experience flying jet airplanes, though other work experience is also accepted." To clarify, a person needs to have experience flying jet airplanes. Also, they have to have a master’s degree in STEM. According to the text it states, "So what does it take to become an astronaut? NASA now requires a master’s degree (a higher level college degree) in STEM (science, technology, engineering, or math)." This shows having a master’s degree in STEM is a requirement to become an astronaut. To conclude, these are the requirements to be an astronaut.

Edited by Penny Yagake

               There are two opposing sides in the articles. To begin with, Mayor de Blasio is saying the schools might be closed until the end of the year. The text states, "New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic." To clarify, Mayor de Blasio had said the schools were going to be closed until the end of the year. On the other hand, Governor Cuomo thinks that schools shouldn't be closed for too long. According to the text it states, "Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year. Such a move needs to be coordinated across the metro area and possibly even with New Jersey and Connecticut, according to the governor, who has a longstanding public feud with the mayor." This shows Governor Cuomo thought schools shouldn't be closed for too long. To sum up, these are the two opposing sides in the articles.

There are two opposing sides in the articles.

*** Good.

To begin with, Mayor de Blasio is saying the schools might be closed until the end of the year.

*** Good.

The text states, "New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic."

*** Good.

To clarify, Mayor de Blasio had said the schools were going to be closed until the end of the year.

*** “had” is not needed. Change “were” to “are” since he is describing a plan that may be put in action in the present.

Edited sentence: To clarify, Mayor de Blasio said the schools are going to be closed until the end of the year.

On the other hand, Governor Cuomo thinks that schools shouldn't be closed for too long.

*** Good.

According to the text it states, "Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year. Such a move needs to be coordinated across the metro area and possibly even with New Jersey and Connecticut, according to the governor, who has a longstanding public feud with the mayor."

*** Good.

This shows Governor Cuomo thought schools shouldn't be closed for too long.

*** Good.

To sum up, these are the two opposing sides in the articles.

*** Good.

Edited paragraph:

There are two opposing sides in the articles. To begin with, Mayor de Blasio is saying the schools might be closed until the end of the year. The text states, "New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic." To clarify, Mayor de Blasio said the schools are going to be closed until the end of the year. On the other hand, Governor Cuomo thinks that schools shouldn't be closed for too long. According to the text it states, "Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year. Such a move needs to be coordinated across the metro area and possibly even with New Jersey and Connecticut, according to the governor, who has a longstanding public feud with the mayor." This shows Governor Cuomo thought schools shouldn't be closed for too long. To sum up, these are the two opposing sides in the articles.

Edited by Penny Yagake

              There are many reasons to why the Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland. To begin with, Maryland started preserving these salamanders. The text states, "It’s a good lesson on being willing to preserve things that we don’t get to see every day … another reason to protect habitats.” This shows that preserving animals like the Eastern Tiger Salamander can help protect them and their habitats. Also, Eastern Tiger Salamander population grew more because it was rarely seen but now there are more. According to the text it states, "“A really rough population estimate would be 1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders." To clarify, the Eastern Tiger Salamander grew the population. In conclusion, this is why the Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.

There are many reasons to why the Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.

*** Remove “to.” “Tiger Salamanders” does not need to be capitalized unless this is part of a title.

Edited sentence: There are many reasons why the Easter tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.

To begin with, Maryland started preserving these salamanders.

*** Good

The text states, "It’s a good lesson on being willing to preserve things that we don’t get to see every day … another reason to protect habitats.”

*** Good.

This shows that preserving animals like the Eastern Tiger Salamander can help protect them and their habitats.

*** Good, but “Tiger Salamanders” does not need to be capitalized.

Edited sentence: This shows that preserving animals like the Eastern tiger salamander can help protect them and their habitats.

Also, Eastern Tiger Salamander population grew more because it was rarely seen but now there are more.

*** Add “the” before “Eastern.” “Tiger Salamanders” does not need to be capitalized. Change “it was” to “they were” since there is more than one salamander. Add “before” after “seen.”

Edited sentence: Also, the Eastern tiger salamander population grew more because they were rarely seen before but now more are seen.

According to the text it states, "“A really rough population estimate would be 1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders."

*** Remove the extra quotation mark at the beginning of the quote.

Edited sentence: According to the text it states, “A really rough population estimate would be 1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders.”

To clarify, the Eastern Tiger Salamander grew the population.

*** Move “population” after “salamander” and remove the second “the.”

Edited sentence: To clarify, the Easter tiger salamander population grew.

In conclusion, this is why the Eastern Tiger Salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.

*** Good, but “Tiger Salamanders” does not need to be capitalized.

Edited sentence: In conclusion, this is why the Easter tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.

*** Watch out for extra punctuation, such as quotation marks. Note where capitalization is needed and where it is not.

Edited paragraph:

There are many reasons why the Easter tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland. To begin with, Maryland started preserving these salamanders. The text states, "It’s a good lesson on being willing to preserve things that we don’t get to see every day … another reason to protect habitats.” This shows that preserving animals like the Eastern tiger salamander can help protect them and their habitats. Also, the Eastern tiger salamander population grew more because they were rarely seen before but now more are seen. According to the text it states, “A really rough population estimate would be 1,000 to 2,000 individual tiger salamanders.” To clarify, the Easter tiger salamander population grew. In conclusion, this is why the Easter tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland.

Edited by Penny Yagake

             Super moons are different from the regular moons we see. To begin with, super moons are bigger than regular moons. The text states, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger." This shows super moons are bigger than regular moons. Also, regular moons are less bright than super moons. According to the text it states, "15 percent brighter than the average full moon." This explains that the super moons are 15 percent brighter than regular moons. In conclusion, this is how Super moons are different from regular moons.

Super moons are different from the regular moons we see.

*** Good.

To begin with, super moons are bigger than regular moons.

*** Good.

The text states, "Super moons, which are usually about seven percent bigger."

*** This sentence is incomplete because the word “which” suggests there is more to this sentence. You can make this a partial quote, as shown in the edited sentence below.

Edited sentence: The text states, super moons “are usually about seven percent bigger.”

This shows super moons are bigger than regular moons.

*** Good.

Also, regular moons are less bright than super moons.

*** Good.

According to the text it states, "15 percent brighter than the average full moon."

*** This sentence is incomplete because it does not state what is 15 percent brighter than the average full moon. Add “super moons are” before the quote.

Edited sentence: According to the text it states, super moons are “15 percent brighter than the average full moon.”

This explains that the super moons are 15 percent brighter than regular moons.

*** Good.

In conclusion, this is how Super moons are different from regular moons.

*** Good.

*** When incorporating quotes into a sentence, make sure that it still follows a good sentence structure. Watch out for incomplete sentences that contain fragments or missing words.

Edited paragraph:

Super moons are different from the regular moons we see. To begin with, super moons are bigger than regular moons. The text states, super moons “are usually about seven percent bigger.” This shows super moons are bigger than regular moons. Also, regular moons are less bright than super moons. According to the text it states, super moons are “15 percent brighter than the average full moon.” This explains that the super moons are 15 percent brighter than regular moons. In conclusion, this is how Super moons are different from regular moons.

Edited by Penny Yagake

           There are negative and positive reasons on practicing social distancing. To begin with, the good thing about social distancing is it can reduce the chance of spreading the coronavirus. The text states,"To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing." This means that social distancing can help preventing more cases with the coronavirus. On the other hand, social distancing doesn't work all the time because the virus is airborne too. According to the text it states,"Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the chances of that." To enumerate, social distancing can still result to spread of the virus. To sum up, these are the positive and negative reasons about practicing social distancing.

         
There are negative and positive reasons on practicing social distancing.

*** Change “on” to “for.”

Edited sentence: There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing.

To begin with, the good thing about social distancing is it can reduce the chance of spreading the coronavirus.

*** Good.

The text states,"To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing."

*** Add a space after the first comma.

Edited sentence: The text states, “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing."

This means that social distancing can help preventing more cases with the coronavirus.

*** Remove “ing” in “preventing.”

Edited sentence: This means that social distancing can help prevent more cases with the coronavirus.

On the other hand, social distancing doesn't work all the time because the virus is airborne too.

*** Good.

According to the text it states,"Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the chances of that."

*** Add a space after the first comma.

Edited sentence: According to the text it states, “Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the changes of that.”

To enumerate, social distancing can still result to spread of the virus.

*** “enumerate” does not seem to be the right word here since it relates to numbering. Replace “enumerate” with “elaborate” which means to explain something further. Replace “to” with “in the.”

Edited sentence: To elaborate, social distancing can still result in the spread of the virus.

To sum up, these are the positive and negative reasons about practicing social distancing.

*** Replace “about” with “for.”

Edited sentence: To sum up, these are the positive and negative reasons for practicing social distancing.

*** Remember to add a space before the first quotation mark at the beginning of a quote. Also check the word choices in these sentences. Note where words have been changed in the edits.

Edited paragraph:

There are negative and positive reasons for practicing social distancing. To begin with, the good thing about social distancing is it can reduce the chance of spreading the coronavirus. The text states, “To limit the spread of the coronavirus that causes COVID-19, health experts say people should practice social distancing." This means that social distancing can help prevent more cases with the coronavirus. On the other hand, social distancing doesn't work all the time because the virus is airborne too. According to the text it states, “Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the changes of that.” To elaborate, social distancing can still result in the spread of the virus. To sum up, these are the positive and negative reasons for practicing social distancing.

Edited by Penny Yagake

            JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children. To begin with, the coronavirus pandemic caused people to use internet more often which made more people to create thing online. The text states,"The coronavirus pandemic has closed schools and workplaces and confined hundreds of millions of people around the world to their homes, leading to a surge in internet use and increased interest in a number of online tools." This shows JK Rowling made the new webpage for children so they can keep on continuing to read. Also, the webpage was made to enthrall everyone who is bored staying home. According to the text it states,""Harry Potter" author JK Rowling has launched an online Potter hub to keep children educated and entertained during the coronavirus pandemic." To clarify, JK Rowling made the webpage for kids to be entertained by the Harry Potter series. In conclusion, this is how JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children.

          
JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children.

*** Good.

To begin with, the coronavirus pandemic caused people to use internet more often which made more people to create thing online.

*** Add “the” before “internet.” Remove “to” before “create.” Avoid using the word “thing” — what is the thing?

Edited sentence: To begin with, the coronavirus pandemic caused people to use the internet more often which made more people create content online.

The text states,"The coronavirus pandemic has closed schools and workplaces and confined hundreds of millions of people around the world to their homes, leading to a surge in internet use and increased interest in a number of online tools."

*** Good.

This shows JK Rowling made the new webpage for children so they can keep on continuing to read.

*** Good.

Also, the webpage was made to enthrall everyone who is bored staying home.

*** Good.

According to the text it states,""Harry Potter" author JK Rowling has launched an online Potter hub to keep children educated and entertained during the coronavirus pandemic."

*** Harry Potter should have single quotations — ‘Harry Potter.’

Edited sentence: According to the text it states, “‘Harry Potter’ author JK Rowling has launched an online Potter hub to keep children educated and entertained during the coronavirus pandemic.”

To clarify, JK Rowling made the webpage for kids to be entertained by the Harry Potter series.

*** Good.

In conclusion, this is how JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children.

*** Good.

*** Avoid using the word “thing” — instead, try to describe what the thing is. When there is a quote inside another quote, the inside quote should have single quotation marks (‘).

Edited paragraph:

JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children. To begin with, the coronavirus pandemic caused people to use the internet more often which made more people create content online. The text states,"The coronavirus pandemic has closed schools and workplaces and confined hundreds of millions of people around the world to their homes, leading to a surge in internet use and increased interest in a number of online tools." This shows JK Rowling made the new webpage for children so they can keep on continuing to read. Also, the webpage was made to enthrall everyone who is bored staying home. According to the text it states, “‘Harry Potter’ author JK Rowling has launched an online Potter hub to keep children educated and entertained during the coronavirus pandemic.” To clarify, JK Rowling made the webpage for kids to be entertained by the Harry Potter series. In conclusion, this is how JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children.

Edited by Penny Yagake

             There are two ways that postponing the 2020 Olympics caused negative effects. To begin with, the athletes and the international sports community. The text states,"It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules, and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer." This shows the athletes that were going to compete for the Olympics had to postpone the competition and caused a lot of headaches and heartaches. Also, the people who were going to see or be in the Olympics thought it would be a sign of hope for this sickness. According to the text it states,"In an unprecedented and unavoidable move, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) and Japanese government agreed to postpone the 2020 Summer Olympics "to a date beyond 2020 but not later than summer 2021" due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic.It is the first time in modern Olympic history that a global health issue has disrupted the Games."The leaders agreed that the Olympic Games in Tokyo could stand as a beacon of hope to the world during these troubled times," the IOC and Tokyo 2020 organizing committee said in a joint statement. "And that the Olympic flame could become the light at the end of the tunnel in which the world finds itself at present."" This means the Olympic torch was meant to be a beacon of hope for the coronavirus pandemic. In conclusion, these are the two ways postponing the 2020 Olympics caused negative effects.

There are two ways that postponing the 2020 Olympics caused negative effects.

*** Good.

To begin with, the athletes and the international sports community.

*** This sentence is incomplete.

The text states,"It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules, and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer."

*** Good.

This shows the athletes that were going to compete for the Olympics had to postpone the competition and caused a lot of headaches and heartaches.

*** This sounds like the athletes caused the headache and heartache. Add “this decision” before “caused.” The “s” after “headaches and heartaches” is not needed. Edited sentence: This shows the athletes that were going to compete for the Olympics had to postpone the competition and this decision caused a lot of headache and heartache.

Also, the people who were going to see or be in the Olympics thought it would be a sign of hope for this sickness.

*** Good.

According to the text it states,"In an unprecedented and unavoidable move, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) and Japanese government agreed to postpone the 2020 Summer Olympics "to a date beyond 2020 but not later than summer 2021" due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic.

*** Remove the extra quotation mark in the middle of the quote.

Edited sentence: According to the text it states, “In an unprecedented and unavoidable move, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) and Japanese government agreed to postpone the 2020 Summer Olympics to a date beyond 2020 but not later than summer 2021” due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic.

It is the first time in modern Olympic history that a global health issue has disrupted the Games.

*** Good.

"The leaders agreed that the Olympic Games in Tokyo could stand as a beacon of hope to the world during these troubled times," the IOC and Tokyo 2020 organizing committee said in a joint statement.

*** Good.

"And that the Olympic flame could become the light at the end of the tunnel in which the world finds itself at present.""

*** If the above sentence is meant to be combined with the previous sentence, the previous sentence should have a comma at the end instead of a period. Remove the extra quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

Edited sentence: “The leaders agreed that the Olympic Games in Tokyo could stand as a beacon of hope to the world during these troubled times,” the IOC and Tokyo 2020 organizing committee said in a joint statement, “and that the Olympic flame could become the light at the end of the tunnel in which the world finds itself at present.”

This means the Olympic torch was meant to be a beacon of hope for the coronavirus pandemic.

*** Good.

In conclusion, these are the two ways postponing the 2020 Olympics caused negative effects.

*** Good.

*** Watch out for incomplete sentences and extra quotation marks. Remember that the paragraph needs 7 sentences.

Edited paragraph:

There are two ways that postponing the 2020 Olympics caused negative effects. To begin with, the athletes and the international sports community. The text states,"It also figures to cause headaches and heartaches across the international sports community — for federations and leagues that must now adapt their schedules, and for the 11,000 athletes who had spent years training to compete this summer." This shows the athletes that were going to compete for the Olympics had to postpone the competition and this decision caused a lot of headache and heartache. Also, the people who were going to see or be in the Olympics thought it would be a sign of hope for this sickness. According to the text it states, “In an unprecedented and unavoidable move, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) and Japanese government agreed to postpone the 2020 Summer Olympics to a date beyond 2020 but not later than summer 2021” due to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic. It is the first time in modern Olympic history that a global health issue has disrupted the Games. "The leaders agreed that the Olympic Games in Tokyo could stand as a beacon of hope to the world during these troubled times," the IOC and Tokyo 2020 organizing committee said in a joint statement. “The leaders agreed that the Olympic Games in Tokyo could stand as a beacon of hope to the world during these troubled times,” the IOC and Tokyo 2020 organizing committee said in a joint statement, “and that the Olympic flame could become the light at the end of the tunnel in which the world finds itself at present.” This means the Olympic torch was meant to be a beacon of hope for the coronavirus pandemic. In conclusion, these are the two ways postponing the 2020 Olympics caused negative effects.

Edited by Penny Yagake

       There are two activities I think are most fun. To begin with, the Dungeons and Dragons game sounds fun because you can interact with your friends and play with them. The text states, "In the Dungeons & Dragons game, each player creates an adventurer (also called a character) and teams up with other adventurers (played by friends). Working together, the group might explore a dark dungeon, a ruined city, a haunted castle, a lost temple deep in a jungle, or a lava-filled cavern beneath a mysterious mountain. The adventurers can solve puzzles, talk with other characters, battle fantastic monsters, and discover fabulous magic items and other treasures." This shows you can interact with other players. Also, cooking and baking sounds fun to me because you can learn from family members for learning measurements and basic kitchen things. According to the text it states, "Enlist your kids as sous-chefs and you'll get some extra help in the kitchen while also teaching them practical skills such as following a recipe, measurements and kitchen safety." To clarify, learning how to cook can help on both your mathematical and safety skills. In conclusion, these are two activities I think are the most fun.                          

There are two activities I think are most fun.

*** This is good, but avoid using first person point of view (“I”) and use third person point of view instead. Third person point of view does not use “I,” and focuses on how this subject relates to the audience.

Edited sentence: There are two activities that are the most fun.

To begin with, the Dungeons and Dragons game sounds fun because you can interact with your friends and play with them.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view instead.

Edited sentence: To begin with, the Dungeons and Dragons game sounds fun because people can interact with their friends and play with them.

The text states, "In the Dungeons & Dragons game, each player creates an adventurer (also called a character) and teams up with other adventurers (played by friends). Working together, the group might explore a dark dungeon, a ruined city, a haunted castle, a lost temple deep in a jungle, or a lava-filled cavern beneath a mysterious mountain. The adventurers can solve puzzles, talk with other characters, battle fantastic monsters, and discover fabulous magic items and other treasures."

*** Good.

This shows you can interact with other players.

*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view instead.

Edited sentence: This shows a person can interact with other players.

Also, cooking and baking sounds fun to me because you can learn from family members for learning measurements and basic kitchen things.

*** Avoid using the word “things” and tell the reader exactly what it is instead. “sounds” does not need an “s” because the subject is plural — “cooking and baking” are two activities. Avoid first person point of view (“me”) and use third person point of view. I replaced “for learning” with “about” because “learn” does not have to be repeated twice.

Edited sentence: Also, cooking and baking sounds fun because people can learn from family members about measurements and basic kitchen knowledge.

According to the text it states, "Enlist your kids as sous-chefs and you'll get some extra help in the kitchen while also teaching them practical skills such as following a recipe, measurements and kitchen safety."

*** Good.

To clarify, learning how to cook can help on both your mathematical and safety skills.

*** “on” is not needed. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view instead.

Edited sentence: To clarify, learning how to cook can help both a person’s mathematical and safety skills.

In conclusion, these are two activities I think are the most fun.

*** Again, avoid using first person point of view (“I”) and use third person point of view instead.

Edited sentence: In conclusion, these are two activities that are the most fun.

*** Remember to use third person point of view. Do not use first person point of view (I, me, my) or second person point of view (you).

Edited paragraph:

There are two activities that are the most fun. To begin with, the Dungeons and Dragons game sounds fun because people can interact with their friends and play with them. The text states, "In the Dungeons & Dragons game, each player creates an adventurer (also called a character) and teams up with other adventurers (played by friends). Working together, the group might explore a dark dungeon, a ruined city, a haunted castle, a lost temple deep in a jungle, or a lava-filled cavern beneath a mysterious mountain. The adventurers can solve puzzles, talk with other characters, battle fantastic monsters, and discover fabulous magic items and other treasures." This shows a person can interact with other players. Also, cooking and baking sound fun because people can learn from family members about measurements and basic kitchen knowledge. According to the text it states, "Enlist your kids as sous-chefs and you'll get some extra help in the kitchen while also teaching them practical skills such as following a recipe, measurements and kitchen safety." To clarify, learning how to cook can help both a person’s mathematical and safety skills. In conclusion, these are two activities that are the most fun.

Edited by Penny Yagake

              There are some ways people can learn best while studying online. To begin with, studying online can allow you to make your own schedule. The text states," Time and schedules are important for many things and studying well needs time and a schedule. Open your calendar and choose a predictable, reliable time that you can dedicate to watching lectures and completing assignments. This helps ensure that your courses won’t become the last thing on your to-do list. So, schedule time to study on your calendar." This shows studying online can allow you to make your own schedule so you can get comfortable and have no work left. Also, while studying online, if you make good progress, you can reward yourself. According to the text it states," And don’t forget to reward yourself when you make progress towards your goal!" This means if you study online you can reward yourself if you make good progress. In conclusion, these are some ways people learn best while studying online.

There are some ways people can learn best while studying online.

• • • Good.

To begin with, studying online can allow you to make your own schedule.

• • • This is good, but avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use the third person point of view instead. In third person point of view, you name the person being discussed rather than use “you.”

Edited sentence: To begin with, studying online can allow students to make their own schedules.

The text states," Time and schedules are important for many things and studying well needs time and a schedule. Open your calendar and choose a predictable, reliable time that you can dedicate to watching lectures and completing assignments. This helps ensure that your courses won’t become the last thing on your to-do list. So, schedule time to study on your calendar."

• • • The space after the first quotation mark is not needed. Other than that, this is good.

This shows studying online can allow you to make your own schedule so you can get comfortable and have no work left.

• • • This is good, but avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use the third person point of view instead.

Edited sentence: This shows studying online can allow students to make their own schedules so they can get comfortable and have no work left.

Also, while studying online, if you make good progress, you can reward yourself.

• • • This is good, but avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use the third person point of view instead.

Edited sentence: Also, while studying online, if a student makes good progress, they can reward themselves.

According to the text it states," And don’t forget to reward yourself when you make progress towards your goal!"

• • • Again, the space after the first quotation mark is not needed. Other than that, this is good.

This means if you study online you can reward yourself if you make good progress.

• • • This is good, but avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use the third person point of view instead.

Edited sentence: This means if a student studies online they can reward themselves if they make good progress.

In conclusion, these are some ways people learn best while studying online.

• • • Good.

• • • Remember to use third person point of view, not second person point of view. Remember that there should be a space before the first quotation mark in a quote, but not after. Other than that, this is a good paragraph.

Edited paragraph:

There are some ways people can learn best while studying online. To begin with, studying online can allow students to make their own schedules. The text states, "Time and schedules are important for many things and studying well needs time and a schedule. Open your calendar and choose a predictable, reliable time that you can dedicate to watching lectures and completing assignments. This helps ensure that your courses won’t become the last thing on your to-do list. So, schedule time to study on your calendar." This shows studying online can allow students to make their own schedules so they can get comfortable and have no work left. Also, while studying online, if a student makes good progress, they can reward themselves. According to the text it states, "And don’t forget to reward yourself when you make progress towards your goal!" This means if a student studies online they can reward themselves if they make good progress. In conclusion, these are some ways people learn best while studying online.

Original paragraph:

There are some ways people can learn best while studying online. To begin with, studying online can allow you to make your own schedule. The text states," Time and schedules are important for many things and studying well needs time and a schedule. Open your calendar and choose a predictable, reliable time that you can dedicate to watching lectures and completing assignments. This helps ensure that your courses won’t become the last thing on your to-do list. So, schedule time to study on your calendar." This shows studying online can allow you to make your own schedule so you can get comfortable and have no work left. Also, while studying online, if you make good progress, you can reward yourself. According to the text it states," And don’t forget to reward yourself when you make progress towards your goal!" This means if you study online you can reward yourself if you make good progress. In conclusion, these are some ways people learn best while studying online.

Edited by Penny Yagake

               There are many  ways to prevent infection from the COVID-19. To begin with, people can keep a good hygiene to stay clean and healthy. The text states,” Standard cleaning and hygiene practices will help schools…Students and staff alike should wash with soap and water for at least 20 seconds...Many schools that don’t have time to truck whole classrooms of students to the bathroom before every class are relying on alcohol-based hand-sanitizers. However, it is important to follow directions for these products; for example, some sanitizers require students to continue using them for up to 2 minutes in order to truly disinfect their skin.” This shows good hygiene can prevent you for getting the COVID-19. Also, if you use something else instead of your hand to touch things it can prevent it. According to the text it states,” As much as possible, adults and children alike should practice to avoid touching their faces.” This explains why we shouldn’t touch our faces. In conclusion, these are ways how we can prevent infection from the COVID-19.

There are many ways to prevent infection from the COVID-19.

• • • “the” is not needed. There is also an extra space after “many.”

Edited sentence: There are many ways to prevent infection from COVID-19.

To begin with, people can keep a good hygiene to stay clean and healthy.

• • • “a” is not needed.

Edited sentence: To begin with, people can keep good hygiene to stay clean and healthy.

The text states,” Standard cleaning and hygiene practices will help schools…Students and staff alike should wash with soap and water for at least 20 seconds...Many schools that don’t have time to truck whole classrooms of students to the bathroom before every class are relying on alcohol-based hand-sanitizers. However, it is important to follow directions for these products; for example, some sanitizers require students to continue using them for up to 2 minutes in order to truly disinfect their skin.”

• • • At the beginning of a quote, there should be a space before the quotation marks (“), not after. There should be a space after an ellipsis (...).

Edited sentence: The text states, “Standard cleaning and hygiene practices will help schools… Students and staff alike should wash with soap and water for at least 20 seconds… Many schools that don’t have time to truck whole classrooms of students to the bathroom before every class are relying on alcohol-based hand-sanitizers. However, it is important to follow directions for these products; for example, some sanitizers require students to continue using them for up to 2 minutes in order to truly disinfect their skin.”

This shows good hygiene can prevent you for getting the COVID-19.

• • • Avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view. “for” should be replaced with “from.” Again, “the” is not needed before “COVID-19.”

Edited sentence: This shows good hygiene can prevent people from getting COVID-19.

Also, if you use something else instead of your hand to touch things it can prevent it.

• • • What is “something else” and “things”? Using “it” twice in this sentence can be confusing because the first “it” refers to “something else” while the second “it” refers to the virus. Avoid using second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view.

Edited sentence: Also, if people use something else instead of their hands to touch things, it can prevent COVID-19.

According to the text it states,” As much as possible, adults and children alike should practice to avoid touching their faces.”

• • • At the beginning of a quote, there should be a space before the quotation marks (“), not after.

Edited sentence: According to the text it states, “As much as possible, adults and children alike should practice to avoid touching their faces.”

This explains why we shouldn’t touch our faces.

• • • Avoid using first person point of view (“we” and “our”) and use third person point of view.

Edited sentence: This explains why people shouldn’t touch their faces.

In conclusion, these are ways how we can prevent infection from the COVID-19.

• • • “how” and “the” are not needed. Avoid using first person point of view (“we”) and use third person point of view.

Edited sentence: In conclusion, these are ways people can prevent infection from COVID-19.

• • • Remember to use third person point of view, not first person (I, we, our) or second person (you). Instead of using the word “thing,” try to write more specifically and use the name of the “thing.” At the beginning of a quote, put a space before the quotation marks (“), not after.

Edited paragraph:

There are many ways to prevent infection from COVID-19. To begin with, people can keep good hygiene to stay clean and healthy. The text states, “Standard cleaning and hygiene practices will help schools… Students and staff alike should wash with soap and water for at least 20 seconds… Many schools that don’t have time to truck whole classrooms of students to the bathroom before every class are relying on alcohol-based hand-sanitizers. However, it is important to follow directions for these products; for example, some sanitizers require students to continue using them for up to 2 minutes in order to truly disinfect their skin.” This shows good hygiene can prevent people from getting COVID-19. Also, if people use something else instead of their hands to touch things, it can prevent COVID-19. According to the text it states, “As much as possible, adults and children alike should practice to avoid touching their faces.” This explains why people shouldn’t touch their faces. In conclusion, these are ways people can prevent infection from COVID-19.

Original paragraph:

There are many ways to prevent infection from the COVID-19. To begin with, people can keep a good hygiene to stay clean and healthy. The text states,” Standard cleaning and hygiene practices will help schools…Students and staff alike should wash with soap and water for at least 20 seconds...Many schools that don’t have time to truck whole classrooms of students to the bathroom before every class are relying on alcohol-based hand-sanitizers. However, it is important to follow directions for these products; for example, some sanitizers require students to continue using them for up to 2 minutes in order to truly disinfect their skin.” This shows good hygiene can prevent you for getting the COVID-19. Also, if you use something else instead of your hand to touch things it can prevent it. According to the text it states,” As much as possible, adults and children alike should practice to avoid touching their faces.” This explains why we shouldn’t touch our faces. In conclusion, these are ways how we can prevent infection from the COVID-19.

Edited by Penny Yagake