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The Requirements of becoming an astronaut is That NASA wants you to have a masters degree in college and you need to Have experience flying Jet airplanes. I know this because in the text it states” now it requires a master’s degree and you need experience of flying jet plane”. Another requirement to become an astronaut is you need to have keen eyesight which is very important because if you don’t have a keen eyesight you then you can’t report what you see in space so People won’t get the knowledge to become a better astronaut. I know this because in the text it also states that you need near perfect eyesight and a very good fit body. These are the new requirements to becoming an astronaut.
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.
  
  
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The Requirements of becoming an astronaut is That NASA wants you to have a masters degree in college and you need to Have experience flying Jet airplanes.
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.
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***Edited for capitalization and fluidity: The requirements of becoming an astronaut for NASA are a master's degree and experience flying jet airplanes.
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***Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
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***No need for capitalization of "requirements," "have," and "jet." Since you're talking about requirements set by NASA, you should clarify that this is for astronauts for NASA (since astronauts of other countries might have different requirements). No need to write "That NASA wants you to have," just directly say "the requirements are..." Since you're listing the requirements, no need to add "and you need to have..." (just connect it with "and"). "Master's degree" has an apostrophe "s."
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***This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.
  
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<br>I know this because in the text it states” now it requires a master’s degree and you need experience of flying jet plane”.
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<br>I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.
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***Edited for punctuation (quotation mark, comma, period): I know this because the text states, "Now it requires a master's degree and you need experience of flying jet plane."
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***Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
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***Comma and space before the first quotation mark. Period inside the quotation mark (before it). Instead of "in the text it states," write "the text states" to make it more concise.
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***"In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.
  
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<br>Another requirement to become an astronaut is you need to have keen eyesight which is very important because if you don’t have a keen eyesight you then you can’t report what you see in space so People won’t get the knowledge to become a better astronaut.
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<br>Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.
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***Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), capitalization, fluidity: Another requirement to become an astronaut is keen eyesight, which is important for observing and reporting what you see in space.
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***Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
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***No need for "you need to have" (too wordy). Comma before "which." You don't need the "so people won't get the knowledge to become a better astronaut" because it makes this a run-on sentence and the information isn't necessary. Add in "observing and reporting" to clarify the function of eyesight.
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***Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."
  
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<br>I know this because in the text it also states that you need near perfect eyesight and a very good fit body.
+
Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.
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***Edited for fluidity: I know this because the text states that you need near perfect eyesight and a very fit body.
 
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***"In the text it also states" → "the text states" (less wordy). "Very good fit body" → "A very fit body" (the meaning is the same, you don't need "good").  
 
  
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<br>These are the new requirements to becoming an astronaut.
 
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***Edited for grammar: These are the new requirements to become an astronaut.
 
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***Only use -ing when you have "for" in front of the verb. When you use "to," don't use "-ing."
 
  
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.
 +
***Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
 +
***This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.
  
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'''Final Edited Version:'''
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<br>I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.
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The requirements of becoming an astronaut for NASA are a master's degree and experience flying jet airplanes. I know this because the text states, "Now it requires a master's degree and you need experience of flying jet plane." Another requirement to become an astronaut is keen eyesight, which is important for observing and reporting what you see in space. I know this because the text states that you need near perfect eyesight and a very fit body. These are the new requirements to become an astronaut.
+
***Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
 +
***"In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.
  
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***Please work on your capitalization, quotation marks, and change up the format of your sentences (don't need to stiffly follow a "the text states..." structure").
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<br>Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.
 +
***Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
 +
***Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."
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<br>I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”.
 +
***Edited for quotation marks, punctuation, capitalization: I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday."
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***Please fill in the subject/name where I put a question mark (your quote needs to be a full sentence). Comma before first quotation mark. Period inside the quotation mark.
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<br>This is how child world hunger ended.
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***Edited for accuracy: This is how world hunger lessened.
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***Again, world hunger did not end. You can just say it "lessened." No need to specify "child."
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'''Final Edited Version:
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One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food. I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children. I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday." This is how world hunger lessened.
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***Please work on your quotation marks and commas/periods and capitalization.  
  
 
Edited by Ashley Leung
 
Edited by Ashley Leung

Latest revision as of 01:18, 22 April 2020

Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.


Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.

      • Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
      • This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.


I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.

      • Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
      • "In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.


Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.

      • Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
      • Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."

Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.


Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.

      • Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
      • This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.


I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.

      • Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
      • "In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.


Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.

      • Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
      • Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."


I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”.

      • Edited for quotation marks, punctuation, capitalization: I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday."
      • Please fill in the subject/name where I put a question mark (your quote needs to be a full sentence). Comma before first quotation mark. Period inside the quotation mark.


This is how child world hunger ended.

      • Edited for accuracy: This is how world hunger lessened.
      • Again, world hunger did not end. You can just say it "lessened." No need to specify "child."


Final Edited Version: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food. I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children. I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday." This is how world hunger lessened.

      • Please work on your quotation marks and commas/periods and capitalization.

Edited by Ashley Leung