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Tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland because female Tiger salamanders need fishless freshwater ponds that have a lot of sun light for there eggs. I know this because in the text it states“female Tiger salamanders need fishless freshwater ponds that have a lot of sunlight for their eggs. Too shallow, they dry out; too deep, and sun won’t get to the egg masses.” Another reason Tiger salamanders came back to Maryland is because in the text it also states” several seasonal wetland areas on Maryland’s Eastern Shore, where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders”. This is why the Tiger salamanders came back to Maryland.
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.
  
  
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Tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland because female Tiger salamanders need fishless freshwater ponds that have a lot of sun light for there eggs. I know this because in the text it states“female Tiger salamanders need fishless freshwater ponds that have a lot of sunlight for their eggs. Too shallow, they dry out; too deep, and sun won’t get to the egg masses.”
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.
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***Edited for quotation and spelling: Tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland because "female Tiger salamanders need fishless freshwater ponds that have a lot of sunlight for their eggs."
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***Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
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***I noticed that you directly copied this sentence word for word from the quote... '''Please use your own words when writing your sentences'''. Therefore, I deleted the copied part in the first sentence and directly followed with the quote. Also, make sure there is a space between the quotation mark and the word before it (because "..."). Even though you copied from the text, you spelled "sun light" (sunlight) and "there" (their) incorrectly.
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***This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.
  
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<br>Another reason Tiger salamanders came back to Maryland is because in the text it also states” several seasonal wetland areas on Maryland’s Eastern Shore, where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders”.
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<br>I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.
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***Edited for quotation and punctuation (period placement) and vocabulary: Another reason Tiger salamanders reappeared in Maryland is that "several seasonal wetland areas on Maryland's Eastern Shore, where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders."
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***Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
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***Again, you used the quote to explain your reason → this is not a good writing method. '''Please use your own words.''' Switch "came back" to "reappear." When you mention "reason," you don't need to follow with a "because" (it becomes redundant) → just say "another reason is THAT..." Periods go inside the quotation mark at the end.
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***"In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.
  
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<br>This is why the Tiger salamanders came back to Maryland.
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<br>Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.
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***Edited for vocabulary and article use: This is why Tiger salamanders reappeared in Maryland.
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***Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
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***No need for "the" before "Tiger salamanders" because this is a proper noun. Again, "reappear" is a better word than "came back." Sounds more academic.
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***Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."
  
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.
  
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'''Final Edited Version:'''
 
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Tiger salamanders are reappearing in Maryland because "female Tiger salamanders need fishless freshwater ponds that have a lot of sunlight for their eggs." Another reason Tiger salamanders reappeared in Maryland is that "several seasonal wetland areas on Maryland's Eastern Shore, where extensive vegetation management over the past decade helped restore natural breeding habitats of these salamanders." This is why Tiger salamanders reappeared in Maryland.
 
  
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***Do you notice that more than 75% of your paragraph is quotation? Please use your own words to explain (this doesn't mean switching a few words from the text). If you only quote from the text, it doesn't show me that you understand what you're talking about. Also, make sure you know the difference between "their" and "there," and work on your punctuation marks.
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.
 +
***Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
 +
***This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.
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<br>I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.
 +
***Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
 +
***"In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.
 +
 
 +
<br>Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.
 +
***Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
 +
***Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."
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 +
<br>I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”.
 +
***Edited for quotation marks, punctuation, capitalization: I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday."
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***Please fill in the subject/name where I put a question mark (your quote needs to be a full sentence). Comma before first quotation mark. Period inside the quotation mark.
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<br>This is how child world hunger ended.
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***Edited for accuracy: This is how world hunger lessened.
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***Again, world hunger did not end. You can just say it "lessened." No need to specify "child."
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'''Final Edited Version:
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One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food. I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children. I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday." This is how world hunger lessened.
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***Please work on your quotation marks and commas/periods and capitalization.  
  
 
Edited by Ashley Leung
 
Edited by Ashley Leung

Latest revision as of 01:18, 22 April 2020

Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.


Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.

      • Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
      • This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.


I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.

      • Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
      • "In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.


Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.

      • Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
      • Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."

Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.


Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.

      • Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
      • This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.


I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.

      • Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
      • "In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.


Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.

      • Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
      • Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."


I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”.

      • Edited for quotation marks, punctuation, capitalization: I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday."
      • Please fill in the subject/name where I put a question mark (your quote needs to be a full sentence). Comma before first quotation mark. Period inside the quotation mark.


This is how child world hunger ended.

      • Edited for accuracy: This is how world hunger lessened.
      • Again, world hunger did not end. You can just say it "lessened." No need to specify "child."


Final Edited Version: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food. I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children. I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday." This is how world hunger lessened.

      • Please work on your quotation marks and commas/periods and capitalization.

Edited by Ashley Leung