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JK Rowling thinks her website will help children because in a time like this kids can’t go outside to get books and read Harry Potter so JK Rowling made a website for children so they couldn’t be bored and get infected. Another reason, JK Rowling thinks her website will help children from being bored and infected is Instead of reading books normally she teamed up with Audible and made her books audiobooks. I know this because in the text it states“ Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" has been added to Audible's library of free books as part of its partnership with the platform, making it immediately available in several different languages for free”. The final reason is she wants kids to learn even if we’re on lockdown I know this because in the text it states” Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic," Rowling said as she announced the launch”. This is why JK Rowling thinks her website will help children in many ways.
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.
  
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JK Rowling thinks her website will help children because in a time like this kids can’t go outside to get books and read Harry Potter so JK Rowling made a website for children so they couldn’t be bored and get infected.
 
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***Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity, and spelling: J.K. Rowling believes her website will alleviate children's boredom and risk of going outside and being infected with the COVID-19.
 
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***"J.K." is the proper way to spell her initials (use periods). This sentence is a run-on sentence and isn't very clear. You can be more concise and simply say that her website will help children who are bored because they currently can't go outside. It's also inaccurate the connect "be bored and get infected" since you don't get infected because you are bored. Clarify that children are less likely to be infected because they won't be bored and ''want to go outside''.
 
  
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<br>Another reason, JK Rowling thinks her website will help children from being bored and infected is Instead of reading books normally she teamed up with Audible and made her books audiobooks.
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.
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***Edited for punctuation (comma placement and usage), fluidity, clarity, vocabulary, and spelling: To provide further access to her books, J.K. Rowling collaborated with Audible and turned her books into audiobooks.
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***Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
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***Again, write "JK" as "J.K." You don't need the first half because it's repetitive and unnecessary. The logic should follow like this: she changed the books into audiobooks → makes the books more accessible (people can listen to it anytime) → helps with their boredom. The "Instead of reading books normally" is wrongly capitalized and unnecessary. A better word for "teamed up" is "collaborated." It sounds more professional. A better word for "made" is "turned."
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***This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.
  
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<br> I know this because in the text it states“ Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone" has been added to Audible's library of free books as part of its partnership with the platform, making it immediately available in several different languages for free”.
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<br>I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.
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***Edited for punctuation (quotation mark and period placement), title format, and fluidity: The text states, "''Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone'' has been added to Audible's library of free books as part of its partnership with the platform, making it immediately available in several different languages for free."
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***Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
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***You can just directly write "the text states." Avoid using first person "I" in a news text. When writing about book/novel titles, you can either italicize them or underline them. Don't use quotation marks for books (only for articles, poems, etc...). There should be a comma right before a quotation mark, and always attach the quotation mark to the first word being cited → ..., "Harry Potter..." At the end of the quote, the period should go ''inside'' the quotation mark.
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***"In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.
  
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<br>The final reason is she wants kids to learn even if we’re on lockdown
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<br>Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.
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***Edited for grammar (run-on sentence) and clarity: She also wants children to learn even as we're on lockdown.
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***Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
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***You can make this a complete sentence. It is unclear what "the final reason" means (reason for what? Releasing audiobooks?). Replace "kids" with "children" to seem more professional. Since we are ''already'' on lockdown, you would use "as" instead of "if."
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***Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."
  
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<br>I know this because in the text it states” Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic," Rowling said as she announced the launch”.
+
Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.
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***Edited for punctuation (quotation mark placement) and fluidity: Rowling said as she announced the launch, "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic."
 
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***Once again, you don't need to insert yourself into the paragraph → delete "I know this because..." Be mindful of your quotation mark and period placement (I've noted this previously). To be more clear, you should start with "Rowling said..." and then follow with her quote. You don't need to say "the text states" since it is Rowling's words.  
 
  
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<br>This is why JK Rowling thinks her website will help children in many ways.
 
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***Edited for spelling: This is why J.K. Rowling thinks her website will help children in many ways.
 
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***"JK" → "J.K."
 
  
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Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.
 +
***Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
 +
***This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.
  
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'''Final Edited Version:'''
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<br>I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.
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J.K. Rowling believes her website will alleviate children's boredom and risk of going outside and being infected with the COVID-19. To provide further access to her books, J.K. Rowling collaborated with Audible and turned her books into audiobooks. The text states, "''Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone'' has been added to Audible's library of free books as part of its partnership with the platform, making it immediately available in several different languages for free." She also wants children to learn even as we're on lockdown. Rowling said as she announced the launch, "Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we're on lockdown might need a bit of magic." This is why J.K. Rowling thinks her website will help children in many ways.
+
***Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
 +
***"In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.
  
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***Please work on punctuation like quotation mark and period placement. Avoid run-on sentences. In the future, please minimize the amount of quotation because you want most of your paragraph to be in your own words.
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<br>Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused  The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.
 +
***Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
 +
***Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."
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<br>I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”.
 +
***Edited for quotation marks, punctuation, capitalization: I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday."
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***Please fill in the subject/name where I put a question mark (your quote needs to be a full sentence). Comma before first quotation mark. Period inside the quotation mark.
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<br>This is how child world hunger ended.
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***Edited for accuracy: This is how world hunger lessened.
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***Again, world hunger did not end. You can just say it "lessened." No need to specify "child."
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'''Final Edited Version:
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One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food. I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children. I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday." This is how world hunger lessened.
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***Please work on your quotation marks and commas/periods and capitalization.  
  
 
Edited by Ashley Leung
 
Edited by Ashley Leung

Latest revision as of 01:18, 22 April 2020

Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.


Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.

      • Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
      • This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.


I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.

      • Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
      • "In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.


Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.

      • Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
      • Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."

Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food. I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”. Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger. I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”. This is how child world hunger ended.


Some of the accomplishments William Winslow completed are that he saved starving children by by persuading shoppers and also by buying tons and tons of food.

      • Edited for grammar (run-on sentence), fluidity: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food.
      • This is actually only one accomplishment. Make sure you clarify that Winslow didn't buy the food himself; he persuaded OTHERS to buy/donate. Take out "are that" because it doesn't fit in the context of accomplishing something (EX. Some things he did are that... → doesn't sound right), and change "saved" to "saving." No need to repeat "tons and tons," it sounds unprofessional.


I know this because in the text it states “ he talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break”.

      • Edited for punctuation (quotation marks, comma) and fluidity and capitalization: I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break."
      • "In the text it states" → "the text states" (less wordy). Comma before the first quotation mark. Capitalize "He" after the first quotation mark. Period INSIDE the quotation mark.


Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is that by persuading shoppers to buy tons of tons of food for starving children this caused The end of world hunger or more likely child world hunger.

      • Edited for fluidity, clarity, punctuation, capitalization: Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children.
      • Please note that world hunger did not/has not ended, so you can't say he cause the end of world hunger. What he did only HELPED ending world hunger. "or more likely child world hunger" → "especially for children." No need to capitalize "The end of world..."


I know this because it also states in the text “ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday”.

      • Edited for quotation marks, punctuation, capitalization: I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday."
      • Please fill in the subject/name where I put a question mark (your quote needs to be a full sentence). Comma before first quotation mark. Period inside the quotation mark.


This is how child world hunger ended.

      • Edited for accuracy: This is how world hunger lessened.
      • Again, world hunger did not end. You can just say it "lessened." No need to specify "child."


Final Edited Version: One accomplishment William Winslow completed is saving starving children by persuading shoppers to help and donate a lot of food. I know this because the text states, "He talked shoppers into buying food 1,400 pounds worth to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break." Another accomplishment William Winslow completed is helping end world hunger, especially for children. I know this because it also states in the text, "__?___ has helped build four school gardens to give kids access to healthy food and has set up two Little Food Pantries, which the brothers stock with food and toiletries each Friday." This is how world hunger lessened.

      • Please work on your quotation marks and commas/periods and capitalization.

Edited by Ashley Leung