The World for Freedom

Revision as of 20:27, 15 April 2020

Kabe's Writing Page All the people that apply to become NASA astronauts are not picked because the program only had space or some people. Only a few from Thousands of people were picked to become NASA astronauts. The text states, " But the number of people who actually make it into space is quite small." This detail tells me that a few people were able to become NASA astronauts. The text also states, " Since the 1960s, only 350 men and women have been chosen for NASA’s astronaut training. Currently, NASA has 48 astronauts." This detail tells me that exactly 350 people were chosen to become astronauts for NASA.

The two opposing views are De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo. These two men are having a disagreement about the schools are closed to the rest of the year. The text states, "New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic." This detail tells me that the mayor closed all the schools and nothing has yet happened. The text also states, "Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year." This detail tells me that the Governor disagrees with the Mayors decision.

The two opposing views are De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo.

• • • Edited for clarity: The two opposing views are by De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo.
    • The "views" aren't the people, the "views" are by the people, so make sure you write "by."

These two men are having a disagreement about the schools are closed to the rest of the year.

• • • Edited for tense and fluidity: These two men are having a disagreement about schools being closed for the rest of the year.
    • Since the closing of schools is the subject they're disagreeing about, you should phrase it as "schools being closed..." "The schools are closed to" is incorrect. Also, it is "for" the rest of the year, not "to."

The text states, "New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic."

• • • Good!

This detail tells me that the mayor closed all the schools and nothing has yet happened.

• • • Edited for comma and clarity: This detail tells me that the mayor closed all the schools, and no changes have happened yet.
    • Comma before "and," since the second half is an independent clause. Also, clarify what you mean by "nothing has yet happened" (Usually you would place "yet" after "happened").

The text also states, "Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year."

• • • Good!

This detail tells me that the Governor disagrees with the Mayors decision.

• • • Edited for capitalization and apostrophe: This detail tells me that the governor disagrees with the mayor's decision.
    • No need to capitalize "governor" and "mayor" (only when there is a name after it). Apostrophe in "mayor's."

Final Edited Version: The two opposing views are by De Blasio and Andrew Cuomo. These two men are having a disagreement about schools being closed for the rest of the year. The text states, "New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic." This detail tells me that the mayor closed all the schools, and no changes have happened yet. The text also states, "Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year." This detail tells me that the governor disagrees with the mayor's decision.

• • • Good job on correctly formatting quotation marks! Please work on commas and capitalization.

Edited by Ashley Leung

The main reason birds are migrating south is because the temperature change and the lack of food. The change of temperature and the lack of food are really important because birds need warm weather and need food to survive. The text states, " "During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there's a lack of food," says Guida." This detail tells me that birds mirgrate because of change in temperature and the lack of food.

The main reason birds are migrating south is because the temperature change and the lack of food.

• • • Edited for word choice and fluidity: The main reason birds are migrating south is temperature change and lack of food.
    • Don't follow "reason" with "because" since it becomes repetitive. You don't need to add "the" in front of "temperature change" and "lack of food" (these nouns don't need definite articles).

The change of temperature and the lack of food are really important because birds need warm weather and need food to survive.

• • • Edited for fluidity and word choice: The change in temperature and lack of food are important because birds need warm weather and food to survive.
    • When you talk about the temperature changing, you use "in," not "of." No need for the "the" before "lack of food." No need for the second "need" before "food." The verb "need" applies to the rest of the list since you're connecting them with "and."

The text states, " "During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there's a lack of food," says Guida."

• • • Edited for punctuation (quotation marks) and fluidity: The text states, "'During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there's a lack of food,' says Guida."
    • When you're quoting something someone else says, you use an apostrophe (') with a set of quotes → do not put double quotation marks.

This detail tells me that birds mirgrate because of change in temperature and the lack of food.

• • • Edited for fluidity and spelling: This tells me that birds migrate because of change in temperature and lack of food.
    • Misspelled "migrate." No need for "the" before "lack of food."

Final Edited Version: The main reason birds are migrating south is temperature change and lack of food. The change in temperature and lack of food are important because birds need warm weather and food to survive. The text states, "'During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there's a lack of food,' says Guida." This tells me that birds migrate because of change in temperature and lack of food.

• • • Please write more in the future. Practice your definite articles (know when to use/not use them) and quotation marks.

Edited by Ashley Leung

The main idea of this story is while humans are away the animals will play. While humans are at home the animals will play around and walk around the zoo. According to the text, "An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth's other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely." This detail tells me that the animals roam freely and leave their usually life behind for now. The text also states, " The first animals to take advantage of human absence were Annie and Edward, two rockhopper penguins who reside at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium." This detail tells me animals are taking advantage of humans absence and are more intelligent then we might of thought.

The main idea of this story is while humans are away the animals will play. While humans are at home the animals will play around and walk around the zoo.

• • • Edited for fluidity (combine two sentences) and comma usage and definite article: The main idea of this story is that while humans are at home, animals will walk and play around the zoo.
    • These two sentences are very similar, so you can just combine them into one. Insert a comma after "home." You don't need "the" before animals because you are treating "humans" and "animals" as nonspecific groups (just animals in general).

According to the text, "An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth's other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely."

• • • Good job with the correct use of punctuation (quotation marks and period placement).

This detail tells me that the animals roam freely and leave their usually life behind for now.

• • • Edited for definite article and vocabulary: This detail tells me that animals roam freely and leave behind their usual life for now.
    • Again, don't need "the" before "animals." It sounds clearer if you attach "leave behind" next to each other. "Usually" → "usual."

The text also states, " The first animals to take advantage of human absence were Annie and Edward, two rockhopper penguins who reside at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium."

• • • Edited for quotation mark: The text also states, "The first animals to take advantage of human absence were Annie and Edward, two rockhopper penguins who reside at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium."
    • No space between the quotation mark and the word after it.

This detail tells me animals are taking advantage of humans absence and are more intelligent then we might of thought.

• • • Edited for grammar (tense, possessive) and vocabulary (then vs. than): This detail tells me that animals are taking advantage of humans' absence and are more intelligent than we might think.
    • Add a "that" before "animals" to declare the beginning of an idea. Add an apostrophe to "humans" since you're talking about their absence. Since you are comparing the truth to our thoughts, you would use "than" (not "then"). Use the present tense of "think," or change it to "might have thought." (not "of" → sometimes saying "might have" SOUNDS like "might of," but it's incorrect).

Final Edited Version: The main idea of this story is that while humans are at home, animals will walk and play around the zoo. According to the text, "An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth's other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely." This detail tells me that animals roam freely and leave behind their usual life for now. The text also states, "The first animals to take advantage of human absence were Annie and Edward, two rockhopper penguins who reside at Chicago's Shedd Aquarium." This detail tells me that animals are taking advantage of humans' absence and are more intelligent than we might think.

• • • Please work on spelling, knowing the difference between "then" and "than," and when to use the definite article ("the"). I would also like to see more of your own words, so minimize the amount of quotes you use.

Edited by Ashley Leung

The reason for why the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed in Japan is because of the COVID-19. The COVID-19 is the corona virus. The text states, "They join a long list of major sporting events put off or canceled due to the risks from COVID-19. This detail tells me why the 2020 Olympic Games will be postponed.

The reason for why the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed in Japan is because of the COVID-19.

• • • Edited for clarity and fluidity (concision): The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Japan will be postponed because of the COVID-19.
    • To be more concise, you can take out "the reason for why..." It is unnecessary wording. It would sound clearer if you switch the position of "in Japan" to right after "Olympics" since that describes the event.

The COVID-19 is the corona virus.

• • • Edited for accuracy of information and spelling: The COVID-19 is a new type of coronavirus.
    • "Coronavirus" (spelled together) is a large group of viruses. COVID-19 is one type of this virus. This is why people specify "COVID-19" when talking about the current virus. "Coronavirus" is a larger umbrella term.

The text states, "They join a long list of major sporting events put off or canceled due to the risks from COVID-19.

• • • Good!

This detail tells me why the 2020 Olympic Games will be postponed.

• • • Edited for fluidity and spelling: This clarifies why the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed.
    • A better word to use is "clarify." Try not to use first person "me" when writing news articles as it sounds more personal and less credible.

Final Edited Version: The 2020 Summer Olympic Games in Japan will be postponed because of the COVID-19. The COVID-19 is a new type of coronavirus. The text states, "They join a long list of major sporting events put off or canceled due to the risks from COVID-19." This clarifies why the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed.

• • • Great job! I suggest you research a bit more about COVID-19 and work on making sentences more concise. Please also write a few more sentences in the future to at least have 6-7 sentences per paragraph. Also, please cite your source!

Edited by Ashley Leung

The two activities that seem the most fun are mad lips and indoor snowballs. These two seem the most fun because when the text stated in Mad Lips, "Mad lips are a hilarious way for kids to brush up on their parts of speech." I think mad lips would seem most fun because I like hilarious things like what the text evidence said. The text stated in Indoor Snowballs, " An indoor snowball fight is a fun way to burn off some energy as a family, while also ensuring that no one gets hurt and nothing in the house gets damaged." I think indoor snowballs would also seem most fun because safe fun can be really fun and I like really fun.

The two activities that seem the most fun are mad lips and indoor snowballs.

• • • Edited for capitalization and spelling: Two activities that seem the most fun are Mad Libs and indoor snowball fights.
    • I think you're referring to the game "Mad Libs" here. Since Mad Libs is a trademark game, you would capitalize the name. Also, write "indoor snowball fights" to clarify the activity. You don't need "the" in the beginning.

These two seem the most fun because when the text stated in Mad Lips, "Mad lips are a hilarious way for kids to brush up on their parts of speech."

• • • Edited for spelling, fluidity, clarity: A text about Mad Libs states, "Mad Libs are a hilarious way for kids to brush up on their parts of speech."
    • Since you only refer to Mad Libs in this sentence, you don't need to write "these two seem the most fun" (you don't talk about the other activity). Also, to avoid sounding repetitive, you can directly begin the sentence with "the text in Mad Libs states..." When you quote something, you use the present tense (stated → states). Again, it's spelled Mad Libs. I'm assuming that you're reading a text about Mad Libs (not in Mad Libs).

I think mad lips would seem most fun because I like hilarious things like what the text evidence said.

• • • Edited for spelling, fluidity: I think Mad Libs seems very fun because I like looking at hilarious things.
    • Instead of saying the game is "most fun," you can just say it seems "very fun" because you don't want to say that Mad Libs is most fun and then say that indoor snowball fights are most fun as well. You can take out the "what the text evidence said" part at the end. It's unnecessary. To be more precise, you can say that you like "looking" at hilarious things (since Mad Libs is about reading funny things).

The text stated in Indoor Snowballs, " An indoor snowball fight is a fun way to burn off some energy as a family, while also ensuring that no one gets hurt and nothing in the house gets damaged."

• • • Edited for clarity, capitalization: A text about indoor snowball fight states, "An indoor snowball fight is a fun way to burn off some energy as a family, while also ensuring that no one gets hurt and nothing in the house gets damaged."
    • Unless this game is a brand name, you should leave it as lowercase. The text is talking "about" the game. Use present tense before quoting something (stated → states).

I think indoor snowballs would also seem most fun because safe fun can be really fun and I like really fun.

• • • Edited for clarity and grammar (run-on sentence): I think indoor snowball fights would be a good activity because I like having fun in a safe way.
    • This sentence is a bit repetitive (too many uses of "fun" in one sentence). You can change up the adjectives. You don't have to say the game is the "most fun" -- just say that it is a "good activity." Since the main point of indoor snowball fights is its safeness, you should include that in explaining why it is a good activity to do.

Final Edited Version: Two activities that seem the most fun are Mad Libs and indoor snowball fights. A text about Mad Libs states, "Mad Libs are a hilarious way for kids to brush up on their parts of speech." I think Mad Libs seems very fun because I like looking at hilarious things. A text about indoor snowball fights states, "An indoor snowball fight is a fun way to burn off some energy as a family, while also ensuring that no one gets hurt and nothing in the house gets damaged." I think indoor snowball fights would be a good activity because I like having fun in a safe way.

• • • In the future, try to not use too much quotation as part of your paragraph (since you want most of the paragraph to be in your own words). You can try to incorporate diverse adjectives and structures in your sentences to sound more interesting (less repetitive). Also please cite the source/website that you quoted from! Work on forming concise, clear sentences and avoiding run-on sentences.

Edited by Ashley Leung