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https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/report-fire-at-texas-facility-caused-by-equipment-failure/2019/12/06/6c1c3a00-1884-11ea-80d6-d0ca7007273f_story.html | https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/report-fire-at-texas-facility-caused-by-equipment-failure/2019/12/06/6c1c3a00-1884-11ea-80d6-d0ca7007273f_story.html | ||
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| + | '''*** Equipment Failure Sparks Trouble at a Texas Facility.***''' | ||
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| + | - Good title, only issue I see is that it doesn't grasp the reader strongly; add some mystery to your title and have fun with it-- don't be so cut and dry/ straightforward. | ||
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| + | '''***This passed March, a fire broke out in a Houston-based petrochemical storage facility that burned for multiple days.***''' | ||
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| + | - looking back at the original piece, there are many phrases in your paragraph that are taken directly from the article, such as: A fire at a Houston-area petrochemical storage facility that burned for days; accidental and caused by equipment failure at a storage tank. I see that you move some words around and break up the sentences. Use your own words! This can get you in a great deal of trouble-- it's better to spend extra time putting together your own thoughts then risking the use of someone else's. Going back to revision, "passed" gives us a more concrete idea of when the incident occurred. "Based" is also more specific than "area", which refers more to the entire area as a whole. "Multiple" contributes to "days" and adds to the investigative tone. Keep that momentum going so the sentence does not stop short. | ||
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| + | '''***Reports confirmed the fire was an accident caused by equipment failure, and no foul-play was involved.***''' | ||
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| + | - Same issues as above with reusing phrases. See how adding your own ideas and phrases can set up your tone and distinguish your writing? | ||
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| + | '''*** The blaze sent waves of black smoke into the air, closing roads and schools and halting businesses.***''' | ||
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| + | - This sentence was taken from the original; "waves of thick, black smoke thousands of feet into the air and forced the closure of roads, schools and a critical shipping channel." There are too many similarities! See above few edits. | ||
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| + | '''***Thankfully, no injuries were reported but many air quality reports were triggered due to the smoke.***''' | ||
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| + | - The adverb adds a personal voice behind the writing. I also included "smoke" because this sentence doesn't tell us directly why the reports were triggered. Also, this is not a proper conclusion, which should stand alone and wrap up or summarize your paragraph. Try something instead like "Although the fire was not deadly, actions much be taken to insure the safety of factory workers and citizens alike." This gives the paragraph a sense of finality and conclusion, which is very important for the reader. Good job including sources! | ||
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| + | EDITED VERSION | ||
| + | Equipment Failure Sparks Trouble at a Texas Facility. | ||
| + | This passed March, a fire broke out in a Houston-based petrochemical storage facility that burned for multiple days. Reports confirmed the fire was an accident caused by equipment failure, and no foul-play was involved. The blaze sent waves of black smoke into the air, closing roads and schools and halting businesses. Thankfully, no injuries were reported but many air quality reports were triggered due to the smoke. Although the fire was not deadly, actions much be taken to insure the safety of factory workers and citizens alike. | ||
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| + | https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/report-fire-at-texas-facility-caused-by-equipment-failure/2019/12/06/6c1c3a00-1884-11ea-80d6-d0ca7007273f_story.html | ||
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12/5/19 | 12/5/19 | ||
Impeaching Trump | Impeaching Trump | ||
Revision as of 21:12, 10 December 2019
Article Summary Page
12/6/19
Fire at a Texas Facility
In March, a fire broke out in the Houston-area petrochemical storage facility that burned for days. It was reportedly accidental and caused by equipment failure at a storage tank. The blaze sent waves of black smoke high up into the air and caused the closure of roads, schools and a critical shipping channel. Although there were no injuries, it triggered many air quality warnings.
*** Equipment Failure Sparks Trouble at a Texas Facility.***
- Good title, only issue I see is that it doesn't grasp the reader strongly; add some mystery to your title and have fun with it-- don't be so cut and dry/ straightforward.
***This passed March, a fire broke out in a Houston-based petrochemical storage facility that burned for multiple days.***
- looking back at the original piece, there are many phrases in your paragraph that are taken directly from the article, such as: A fire at a Houston-area petrochemical storage facility that burned for days; accidental and caused by equipment failure at a storage tank. I see that you move some words around and break up the sentences. Use your own words! This can get you in a great deal of trouble-- it's better to spend extra time putting together your own thoughts then risking the use of someone else's. Going back to revision, "passed" gives us a more concrete idea of when the incident occurred. "Based" is also more specific than "area", which refers more to the entire area as a whole. "Multiple" contributes to "days" and adds to the investigative tone. Keep that momentum going so the sentence does not stop short.
***Reports confirmed the fire was an accident caused by equipment failure, and no foul-play was involved.***
- Same issues as above with reusing phrases. See how adding your own ideas and phrases can set up your tone and distinguish your writing?
*** The blaze sent waves of black smoke into the air, closing roads and schools and halting businesses.***
- This sentence was taken from the original; "waves of thick, black smoke thousands of feet into the air and forced the closure of roads, schools and a critical shipping channel." There are too many similarities! See above few edits.
***Thankfully, no injuries were reported but many air quality reports were triggered due to the smoke.***
- The adverb adds a personal voice behind the writing. I also included "smoke" because this sentence doesn't tell us directly why the reports were triggered. Also, this is not a proper conclusion, which should stand alone and wrap up or summarize your paragraph. Try something instead like "Although the fire was not deadly, actions much be taken to insure the safety of factory workers and citizens alike." This gives the paragraph a sense of finality and conclusion, which is very important for the reader. Good job including sources!
EDITED VERSION Equipment Failure Sparks Trouble at a Texas Facility. This passed March, a fire broke out in a Houston-based petrochemical storage facility that burned for multiple days. Reports confirmed the fire was an accident caused by equipment failure, and no foul-play was involved. The blaze sent waves of black smoke into the air, closing roads and schools and halting businesses. Thankfully, no injuries were reported but many air quality reports were triggered due to the smoke. Although the fire was not deadly, actions much be taken to insure the safety of factory workers and citizens alike.
12/5/19 Impeaching Trump
After months of ignoring the press, the White House has now publicly embraced a strategy that accepts the reality that Trump will likely be impeached. Almost surely, they are going to accuse Trump of "violating the Constitution, abusing presidential of power and undermining national security by pressing the president of Ukraine to investigate a Democratic political rival as the White House was withholding crucial security aid." With the 2020 presidential election right around the corner, Trump states "If you’re going to impeach me, do it now, fast."
The European Union won't meet its Greenhouse Gas goal
Although the EU had reported that they would cut their greenhouse emissions by 40%, they now state that the more likely goal is 30%. By 2030, their goal is to reduce emissions by 40%, and by 2050, cut off all their greenhouse gases. Both the US and the European Union saw a 1.7% decrease in emissions, however, both China and India have seen increases in their emissions. Due to the still-rising amounts of greenhouse gas emissions every year, many activists have spoken out. One of them is Greta Thunberg. She states that "We’re still moving fast in the wrong direction”. To be able to stop Climate Change, the whole world has to come together and come up with a goal to stop our ever-heating Earth.
The return of the whooping crane in Alabama’s national refuge
With only 850 bird left, whooping cranes are one of the rarest birds in the world. Considering that there were only 15 in the world in the 1940s, this is significant progress. The first whooping cranes arrived at the refuge in 2004. Nowadays, the number has now jumped to 14 and continues to double each year.
*** The Whooping Crane Returns to Alabama*** - I simplified your title so it is cohesive. I also capitalized the relevant words (verbs, nouns, etc. should be capitalized in titles)
***With only 850 left, the whooping crane is one of the rarest birds in the world.*** - Good intro sentence, the noun "bird" is unnecessary since you name it in your parenthetical. I changed "crane" to singular since you are generalizing with the "850"-- this clears up confusion.
*** This is a significant improvement from the 1940s, when there were a mere 15 whooping cranes in the world. *** - The word "mere" adds description and a deeper insight into the essay. Overall, I would say that your sentences are too brief and just a reiteration of facts, not your understanding of the information which would actively make the piece interesting to read.
***The first whooping cranes arrived at a refuge in Alabama in 2004.*** - Similar to above, this is just a bland reiteration of fact. A more meaty sentence would be "After decades on the brink of extinction, the species was brought to a refuge in Alabama in 2004 and the population has since thrived." It would also help to include your source -- not only is that necessary in any analytical text, but it adds clarification and direction.
***Today, the whooping crane population has flourished and continues to grow each year.***
-Some of your numbers here don't match up. So there are currently 850 cranes in the world, as you establish in the first sentence. Your last sentence says there are now 14. Clarify!!!! INCLUDE YOUR SOURCES
EDITED VERSION:
The Whooping Crane Returns to Alabama With only 850 left, the whooping crane is one of the rarest birds in the world. This is a significant improvement from the 1940s, when there were a mere 15 whooping cranes in the world. The first whooping cranes arrived at a refuge in Alabama in 2004. Today, the whooping crane population has flourished and continues to grow each year.
Most Shoes Are made using plastic
Although you may not realize it, most shoes have many parts that contain plastic in it. Without plastic, many of the most innovative shoes would not be possible. For example, when the Nike AirMax came out, it changed everything. This shoe used pockets of air cushion the back of your foot, after all, what could be lighter than even air? However, this amazing show could not have been plastic. This plastic takes centuries to decompose, and because of this, shoes are piling up more and more each year, waiting to return back to the Earth. 10/16/19
*** Plastic Shoes are the New Norm?*** - Your title is vague; have fun with your titles.
*** Don't forget to include your source at the end of your article; copy and paste the website link***
***Although you may not realize it, most of our shoes are made with plastic.*** - Try to end the intro on a stronger note than "it", so the first sentence of the piece is strong.
*** Without plastic, many of the most innovative and popular shoes would not have been created.*** - Good sentence. I ended with "have been created" to show past tense and create a more precise image than "possible".
*** Take, for example, Nike's AirMax, which has revolutionized athletic footwear.*** - I used "take" so we can connect to the next sentence and continue the thought. "Changed everything" was too conversational.
*** This shoe uses pockets of air to cushion the back of your foot-- after all, what could be lighter than air?*** - Good sentence. "Use" should be present because the shoe is currently on the market, so it currently uses air pockets. "To" is needed between "air" and "cushion". I like your insert, though it should be separated from the main part of the sentence using a dash.
***However, this amazing shoe is not without its setbacks.*** - "Could not have been plastic" (?) very confusing. I rephrased.
*** Plastic takes centuries to decompose, and shoes are taking longer to break down after they are disposed.*** - The visual of "waiting to return to Earth" was confusing (I know what you are trying to say, it just doesn't have a clear visual). But I really like that you're building your own voice in the piece! Well done
EDITED VERSION
- 'Plastic Shoes are the New Norm"
Although you may not realize it, most of our shoes are made with plastic. Without plastic, many of the most innovative and popular shoes would not have been created. Take, for example, Nike's AirMax, which has revolutionized athletic footwear. This shoe uses pockets of air to cushion the back of your foot-- after all, what could be lighter than air? However, this amazing shoe is not without its setbacks. Plastic takes centuries to decompose, and shoes are taking longer to break down after they are disposed.
The World’s Fastest Ants
Running at more than 2.8 feet a second, the Sahara Silver Ant is the fastest ant, and one of the fastest insects, on the planet. This speed is likely due to the fact that these ants have to endure the scorching heat of the Sahara desert, their speed allows them to go about their business as possible. These ants also have a body shape that allows them to dispel heat more easily, allowing them to speed along the Sahara in no time at all. 10/11/19
*** The World's Fastest Ant***
- Great title! Only edit is that "ants" should be singular since you are describing one species of ant. Please include the source at the bottom of your article.
***When it comes to speed, the Sahara Silver Ant leaves its competitors in the dust. ***
- I prefer not to start a paragraph with a verb. This is not a strict rule, I just find that makes the sentence disjointed. The intro has to set the tone for the entire piece.
***Clocking in at more than 2.8 feet per second, the Sahara Silver Ant is the fastest ant species on the planet, and one of the fastest insects ever recorded.***
- I changed "running" to "clocking" to create a stronger image. Also, switch "a" for "per". These small word changes can greatly improve your writing and the strength of the paragraph.
*** These ants have to endure the scorching heat of the Sahara desert, and their speed allows them to go about their business as quickly as possible. ***
- Again, I removed the phrase "likely due to the fact" because the extra wording slows down the paragraph and makes it weaker; assert your fact, don't dance around it!
***Their body shape also allows them to dispel heat more easily than other insects. ***
- The conclusion should be its own sentence with limited additional information/facts. Break them up so you end the paragraph on a strong note.
*** The unique features of this one-of-a-kind insect allows the Sahara Silver Ant to survive in a hostile environment. ***
- Wrap up the paragraph, and use creative language to build a final picture.
EDITED VERSION
- "The World's Fastest Ant"
When it comes to speed, the Sahara Silver Ant leaves its competitors in the dust. Clocking in at more than 2.8 feet per second, the Sahara Silver Ant is the fastest ant species on the planet, and one of the fastest insects ever recorded. These ants have to endure the scorching heat of the Sahara desert, and their speed allows them to go about their business as quickly as possible. Their body shape also allows them to dispel heat more easily than other insects. The unique features of this one-of-a-kind insect allows the Sahara Silver Ant to survive in a hostile environment.
Many State Birds could become stateless
There are many reports on how if the Earth continues the trend of warming, many North American birds could become extinct or endangered. As Climate change occurs, North American bird population has plummeted by 2.9 billion breeding adults since 1970. This is a drastic change and shows that something needs to be done to ensure the safety of our birds.
*** America's Birds are Disappearing and the Culprit is Climate Change*** - Your title is vague; you don't discuss specific states so don't include it to your title. Give us a clue about the inside of the paragraph in a simple way but enough that we have a clear idea of the direction of the paragraph.
*** Climate change is a very real issue that is harming humans and animals alike.*** - The intro sentence of the paragraph is the middle man between the title and the meat of the article. See how this sentence links with the next, as we delve deeper into the paragraph and the main topic your are talking about.
***Reports agree that if the Earth continues the trend of increased temperature, many North American birds will become either extinct or endangered.*** - Provide supporting evidence by mentioning key points in the original article (which you do not have posted here)- such as "this study is from xyz University" or "research by Dr SoandSo".
*** Since 1970, North American bird populations have plummeted by nearly 2.9 billion breeding adults, a drastic indicator of the destructive power of climate change.*** - This is another moment where we can use the original text for further info, ie. what is the current number of breeding adults? Info like this connects each sentence so the paragraph is full and cohesive.
*** This research shows unequivocally that something must be done to ensure the safety of North America's birds.*** - Let your conclusion be the paragraph's final punch, with no additional information; just assert what one should take away from the article. Include the source and meat up your paragraph.
EDITED VERSION
- "America's Birds are Disappearing and the Culprit is Climate Change"
Climate change is a very real issue that is harming humans and animals alike. Reports agree that if the Earth continues the trend of increased temperature, many North American birds will become either extinct or endangered. Since 1970, North American bird populations have plummeted by nearly 2.9 billion breeding adults, a drastic indicator of the destructive power of climate change. This research shows unequivocally that something must be done to ensure the safety of North America's birds.
10/10/19
Many people likely to face food and water shortage as Nature fails.
For the past several decades, mankind has wretched the face of the Earth, altering more than 75% of land masses and 66% of oceans. As we destroy nature, we also destroy ourselves, as our lives are completely dependent on whether or not nature is able to provide for us. Nature provides with food, coastal protection, and clean water, however, because we are destroying the things nature gives us, flooding will occur more often and more sever, there will be a shortage of food, many species will become extinct, and most importantly, we might too.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2019/10/billions-face-water-food-insecurity/#close
*** "Food and Water Shortages are Expected as Nature Fails." ***
- Your titles seemed bored and slapdash, especially for something so grim! I edited to be more direct.
*** For the past several decades, mankind has depleted the Earth, altering more than 75% of land masses and 66% of the oceans.***
- "Wretched" is an adjective when we need a verb in this situation.
*** As we destroy nature, we also destroy ourselves; our lives are completely dependent on what nature is able to provide for us.***
- The semi-colon helps clean the sentence with a pause, as apposed to the parenthetical which speeds up the sentence unnecessarily.
***Nature supplies us with food, coastal protections and clean water.***
- Your sentence is a giant run on. Break it up! A good trick is say the sentence aloud and if you have to catch your breath at the end, it is too long. I also changed out "provides" to "supplies" because you use the former in the previous sentence.
***However, because we are destroying what natures give us, flooding is expected to occur more regularly and more severely.***
- "Things" is not specific and not needed. "Is expected" is better suited for the sentence, in its ambiguity.
***Along with a shortage of food, many species will become extinct, including our own.***
- The conclusion is a wrapping up point; it, like the intro, is super important to the paragraph so clarity is key!
EDITED VERSION
- "Food and Water Shortages are Expected as Nature Fails."
For the past several decades, mankind has depleted the Earth, altering more than 75% of land masses and 66% of the oceans. As we destroy nature, we also destroy ourselves; our lives are completely dependent on what nature is able to provide for us. Nature supplies us with food, coastal protections and clean water. However, because we are destroying what natures give us, flooding is expected to occur more regularly and more severely. Along with a shortage of food, many species will become extinct, including our own.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2019/10/billions-face-water-food-insecurity/#close
10/9/19
New Shark-toothed Dinosaur found in Thailand
Dating back millions of years, the new species, Siamraptor suwati, was just discovered. Said to be one of the most important Thai dinosaurs ever found, Siamraptor suwati is the most complete dinosaur of its respected age and type in Southeast Asia. New intel on the dinosaur could reveal how predatory dinosaurs spread around the world. They discovered that this particular dinosaur's "skeleton is shot through with air sacs. This would have made the dinosaur’s frame lightweight and perhaps helped it breathe faster." This could explain how dinosaurs traveled in long distances and also how the dinosaurs hunted, making this project extremely important on the evolutionary history of dinosaurs.
*** "New Dinosaur Fossil Found in Thailand"***
- Good title, only edit it capitalization and quotations so the reader knows it is the title. I also removed "shark-toothed" because this is something you don't explore in the paragraph and I added "fossil" for specificity.
***A new dinosaur species, Siamraptor suwati, was just discovered in Thailand and dates back millions of years.***
- Starting the intro with a verb makes the sentence weak and, therefore, the paragraph. Switch the form of the sentence, and include "dinosaur" and "Thailand" for specificity.
***Said to be one of the most important dinosaurs ever found in the region, Siamraptor suwati presents a complete set of fossils to represent its age and type.***
- The second part of this sentence takes directly from the original piece. Replicated, it also confuses the text, especially "most complete dinosaur". Instead, reword with your own characterization and understanding of the information given.
*** New intel on the dinosaur could reveal how predatory dinosaurs spread across the world.*** - Good sentence! I like your word choice of "intel" (this incorporated your own unique voice into the written, which readers love!) Only change is "around" for "across"-- it is more descriptive to the visual of dinosaurs traveling across landmasses.
***Archeologists discovered that this particular dinosaur's "skeleton is shot through with air sacs", creating lightweight bones and exhilarated breathing.***
-Your quotation should not spread across two sentences. Use snippets or brief sections instead. Instead of the pronoun "they", be specific. Use your own interpretation of the text!
***This could explain how not only how the dinosaur traveled long distance, but also how they hunted.*** - "Dinosaur" should be singular, as you are talking about a specific dinosaur. By using the conjunction "but", the sentence completes with your assertion instead of a tone of guessing. Assert your point! Also, this sentence is still presenting new information and should be split for the paragraph to end on the right tone.
*** This project is extremely important to understanding the evolutionary history of dinosaurs.*** - We need a verb to complete the sentence so I included "understanding". Good paragraph!
EDITED VERSION
- "New Dinosaur Fossil Found in Thailand"
A new dinosaur species, Siamraptor suwati, was just discovered in Thailand and dates back millions of years. Said to be one of the most important dinosaurs ever found in the region, Siamraptor suwati presents a complete set of fossils to represent its age and type. New intel on the dinosaur could reveal how predatory dinosaurs spread across the world. Archeologists discovered that this particular dinosaur's "skeleton is shot through with air sacs", creating lightweight bones and exhilarated breathing. This could explain how not only how the dinosaur traveled long distance, but also how they hunted. This project is extremely important to understanding the evolutionary history of dinosaurs. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2019/10/huge-new-shark-toothed-dinosaur-siamraptor-found-in-thailand/
10/5/19
Hazard scores first goal for Real Madrid
The soccer player, Hazard has finally scored a goal for the team, Real Madrid. After transferring into the team Real Madrid, this spectacular soccer player and star, was having a goal drought. Hazard was one of Chelsea’s best players. During the summer, he was moved to Real Madrid. Many people consider him one of the best players in the league, so when he couldn’t score a goal for Real Madrid, fans were shocked. All that changed when he scored his first goal for Real Madrid this week. In a tough match between Granada, Real Madrid came out with a victory, and Hazard came out with his first big play with Real Madrid.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/
*** "Hazard Scores First Goal for Real Madrid."***
- Capitalize your title (only articles and conjunctions are not capitalized). Also, your source is incomplete; it just takes to the main website, not the exact article.
*** Soccer player Edan Hazard has finally scored a goal for the team Real Madrid.***
- Always use the person's full name when first introducing them. Also, the comma is not needed before "Real Madrid".
*** After transferring to the team, the usually spectacular soccer player and star was having a goal drought.***
- You already established the team he is on, so you don't need to reiterate that info. The adverb "usually" helps show the reader that the "soccer drought" was unexpected.
***Hazard was one of Chelsea's best players before he was moved to Real Madrid during the summer.***
- This sentence and the one that follows it should be brought together to form a full, complete thought.
***Many people considered him to be one of the best players in the league, so when he couldn't score a goal for Real Madrid, fans were shocked.***
- Good use of the parenthetical! "Consider" must be in past tense because you are asserting that this opinion has changed from past to present.
***All that changed when Hazard scored his first goal for his new team this week.***
- I used "Hazard" instead of the pronoun to give dynamic to the paragraph. When you only use the pronouns or only a person's name, your paragraph becomes stale.
In a tough match between Granada and Real Madrid, Hazard came out with his first big play for the team and helped bring them to victory.***
- When using "between" there must be an indication between two things, not just one. I also took away a parenthetical to make the sentence clear and concise.
EDITED VERSION
- "Hazard Scores First Goal for Real Madrid."
Soccer player Edan Hazard has finally scored a goal for the team Real Madrid. After transferring to the team, the usually spectacular soccer player and star was having a goal drought. Hazard was one of Chelsea's best players before he was moved to Real Madrid during the summer. Many people considered him to be one of the best players in the league, so when he couldn't score a goal for Real Madrid, fans were shocked. All that changed when Hazard scored his first goal for his new team this week. In a tough match between Granada and Real Madrid, Hazard came out with his first big play for the team and helped bring them to victory.
