Thth - Revision history

24.103.88.142 at 18:13, 28 August 2019

2019-08-28T18:13:54Z

66.108.54.174 at 23:41, 27 August 2019

2019-08-27T23:41:12Z

24.103.88.142 at 18:31, 26 August 2019

2019-08-26T18:31:57Z

104.162.162.243 at 19:15, 25 August 2019

2019-08-25T19:15:09Z

66.108.54.174 at 01:31, 23 August 2019

2019-08-23T01:31:04Z

66.108.54.174 at 23:44, 21 August 2019

2019-08-21T23:44:16Z

24.103.88.142 at 19:11, 21 August 2019

2019-08-21T19:11:57Z

66.108.57.156 at 22:36, 20 August 2019

2019-08-20T22:36:06Z

24.103.88.142 at 20:22, 20 August 2019

2019-08-20T20:22:55Z

24.103.88.142 at 17:48, 20 August 2019

2019-08-20T17:48:56Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 18:13, 28 August 2019
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		+	- Great title! Only edit is "of" which should NOT be capitalized.

		+	'''* Today, the small island of Hong Kong is a busy and crowded city where thousands of people roam the streets. *'''

		+	- Good intro. Have "today" be your opening (it helps set the stage). Use "where" instead of "with" to indicate placement and keep the verb present. I included the description of the city in this sentence because it provides an image that the next sentence is influenced by.

		+	'''* However, once Hong Kong was only known for its fishing industry and illegal opium trades between the British and China. *'''

−	----	+	- Some repeated words in this sentence, most likely a typo. Try to keep each paranthetical as clear as possible, so the reader can see the distinction between them.
		+
		+	'''*It was not long before many Chinese became addicted to the drug, even though the government had banned the use of opium.*'''
		+
		+	- This sentence was VERY confusing! I filled out the sentence with a clearer description and a paranthetical. It seems like you are going in a different direction than the title hints, i.e., more about the opium crisis in Hong Kong, not necessarily its overarching history. We need to see the distinction.
		+
		+	'''*Hong Kong was put under British rule in 1842, after the First Opium War, when China signed the Treaty of Nanjing.*'''
		+
		+	- The exact date of the treaty is not needed ("treaty" should also be capitalized). I also added context with "first opium war", otherwise the audience has no idea why the transfer of power was made.
		+
		+	'''*In 1856, a Second Opium War began for further control over the region, and many Chinese soldiers were killed.*'''
		+
		+	- Again, "further control..." helps provide context. Otherwise, the information is like a free-for-all!
		+
		+	'''*Afterwards, Japan attempted to take over the island, but they ultimately failed and Hong Kong remained under British rule.*'''
		+
		+	- At the point in the paragraph, we have to start finding new words for descriptors so we don't become repetative. This has to be balance with clarity! For example, I used "Hong Kong" as the end of the sentence instead of the pronoun so the audience knows for certain what is being talked about.
		+
		+	'''*Since then, China has become a communist nation, and Hong Kong continues to struggle for self-determination.*'''
		+
		+	- Good way to end the paragraph, by bringing us back to the present. "Self-determination" is the key word here; it describes the ultimate struggle of the city and gives us a sense of the city's purpose. Interesting article! Branch out your ideas and try not to be vague!
		+
		+	*“The Long History of Hong Kong”

		+	Today, the small island of Hong Kong is a busy and crowded city where thousands of people roam the streets. However, once Hong Kong was only known for its fishing industry and illegal opium trades between the British and China. It was not long before many Chinese became addicted to the drug, even though the government had banned the use of opium. Hong Kong was put under British rule in 1842, after the First Opium War, when China signed the Treaty of Nanjing. In 1856, a Second Opium War began for further control over the region, and many Chinese soldiers were killed. Afterwards, Japan attempted to take over the island, but they ultimately failed and Hong Kong remained under British rule. Since then, China has become a communist nation, and Hong Kong continues to struggle for self-determination.

		+	https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/topics/reference/hong-kong-history-visualized/

		+	----

← Older revision		Revision as of 23:41, 27 August 2019
Line 1:		Line 1:
		+	“The Long History Of Hong Kong”
		+
		+	Hong Kong today is a very busy and crowded city with thousands of people roaming the streets. Back in time, Hong Kong was a small island for fishing industries and where British trade illegally trades opium with China. Not long many Chinese are addicted to this trade which the government banned the use of opium. On January 1, 1842, China signed the treaty of Nanjing with the British allowing the British to control Hong Kong permanently. In 1856, there was a second opium war were many Chinese soldiers were harmed. Then after the war, the Japanese came to invade China and the British regained its control of Hong Kong. Then communism became popular in China as today China is a communist country. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/topics/reference/hong-kong-history-visualized/
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+	----
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
	“The Amazon Fireforest”		“The Amazon Fireforest”

← Older revision		Revision as of 18:31, 26 August 2019
Line 1:		Line 1:
	“The Amazon Fireforest”		“The Amazon Fireforest”

−	Everyone is aware of the Amazon ~~rainforest~~ as it is one of the largest rainforests in the world. It contained most of the earth's habitats. Today, the rainforest is deteriorating due to human activities. A week ago it is reported that there was a forest fire, however, the fire is still active throughout the week and destroying many homes. Many believed that this was no regular forest fire, but manmade one. Deforestation causes the fire as people cut down the fire, left it to dry, and set it on fire to fertilize the soil. Clear lands are used for cattle to graze their grass. Causing a forest fire just for farming purposes is unacceptable as it destroys many habitats. https://www.popsci.com/amazon-forest-fires/	+	Everyone is aware of the Amazon rain forest as it is one of the largest rainforests in the world. It contained most of the earth's habitats. Today, the rainforest is deteriorating due to human activities. A week ago it is reported that there was a forest fire, however, the fire is still active throughout the week and destroying many homes. Many believed that this was no regular forest fire, but manmade one. Deforestation causes the fire as people cut down the fire, left it to dry, and set it on fire to fertilize the soil. Clear lands are used for cattle to graze their grass. Causing a forest fire just for farming purposes is unacceptable as it destroys many habitats. https://www.popsci.com/amazon-forest-fires/
		+
		+	- No edits for your title, well done.
		+
		+	'''*The Amazon is the largest rainforst in the world and contains most of the Earth's habitats.*'''
		+
		+	- Assert the fact and remove the unnecessary "everyone is aware", which weakens your intro. The sentence following this is so brief that it works better in the intro.
		+
		+	'''*Today, however, the rainforest is deteriorating rapidly because of human activity. *'''
		+
		+	-"However" helps mark a transition. I included "rapidly" for specificity and changed "due" to "because"- sometimes the syllable count of a word can impact the flow of the whole sentence.
		+
		+	'''* A forest fire that was reported last week is still active and is destroying many homes.*'''
		+
		+	- I put the subject first to make the sentence linear (ie., noun before the verb). By forming the sentence this way, we can remove a lot of repetition.
		+
		+	'''*Many also believe that this is no regular forest fire, but one that is man-made. *'''
		+
		+	- "Believe" should be present, not past, especially since you are talking about a current event. I also moved "man-made" (which is two words) to the end of the sentence because it is describing the fire (look back to previous edit about linear structure; try to put the subject/noun first).
		+
		+	'''* The process of deforestation is the cause of these fires: trees are cut down, left to dry and set on fire to fertilize the soil. *'''
		+
		+	- Include "process" for specificity and include the colon to break up the sentence (since you list the steps, a colon is used instead of a semi-colon). Good sentence, very vivid.
		+
		+	'''*The cleared land is then used for cattle to graze, but the benefits of these fires are too miniscule to justify the destruction of an ecosystem.*'''
		+
		+	- I like this last thought you are using to conclude the sentence. Just needs to be expressed clearer. I also included the previous sentence in the conclusion to help drive home the final point.
		+
		+	*“The Amazon Fireforest”
		+
		+	The Amazon is the largest rainforst in the world and contains most of the Earth's habitats. Today, however, the rainforest is deteriorating rapidly because of human activity. A forest fire that was reported last week is still active and is destroying many homes. Many also believe that this is no regular forest fire, but one that is man-made. The process of deforestation is the cause of these fires: trees are cut down, left to dry and set on fire to fertilize the soil. The cleared land is then used for cattle to graze, but the benefits of these fires are too miniscule to justify the destruction of an ecosystem.
		+
		+	https://www.popsci.com/amazon-forest-fires/

← Older revision		Revision as of 19:15, 25 August 2019
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	Gender reveals are one of the most exciting events to attend with everyone’s guesses. However, if the outcome of the gender is obvious then it won’t be as exciting. This is the case for a small village in Poland. Where it been a decade since the last boy was born and 12 girls were born instead. There is a 50/50 chance that a baby could be either a boy or a girl and having two girls in a row is more unlikely. So having 12 girls in a row is extremely unlikely as it is rarely likely to happen. Some scientists believed that this could have something to do with genetics. Moreover, some believed that this could also happen to other places as well and it is as likely as having 12 girls in a row.		Gender reveals are one of the most exciting events to attend with everyone’s guesses. However, if the outcome of the gender is obvious then it won’t be as exciting. This is the case for a small village in Poland. Where it been a decade since the last boy was born and 12 girls were born instead. There is a 50/50 chance that a baby could be either a boy or a girl and having two girls in a row is more unlikely. So having 12 girls in a row is extremely unlikely as it is rarely likely to happen. Some scientists believed that this could have something to do with genetics. Moreover, some believed that this could also happen to other places as well and it is as likely as having 12 girls in a row.
	https://www.popsci.com/polish-village-baby-boy-probability/		https://www.popsci.com/polish-village-baby-boy-probability/
		+
		+
		+	- Good job with the capitalization in your title. No edits!
		+
		+	'''*Gender reveals can be dramatic and exciting events, except when the outcome is obvious or anticipated.*'''
		+
		+	- You take too long getting to/ alluding to the meat of the article. Try to use the intro sentence as a jumping point into your article. In this case, I put together your intro and second sentence-- consolidate and specify!
		+
		+	'''*This is the case for a small village in Poland where the last 12 babies born there were all girls.*'''
		+
		+	- Connect the sentences with a comma, dash or semi-colon, or reword them, otherwise your sentence beginning with "where" is not complete. Also, you have to find a way to balance the information so it is presented clearly. There is confusion between "a decade" and "12 girls", so by eliminating "decade" we can assume this has been happening for a while (also, that information doesn't come up in the rest of the paragraph, we can discard it).
		+
		+	'''*There is always a 50/50 chance that a baby can be either a boy or a girl, so having two girls in a row is unlikely--12 consecutively is an anomaly!*'''
		+
		+	- Pretty good sentence! Good use of "either/or". Only edit: "more" indicates a comparison (i.e., more than this or that) and since you don't complete the comparison (which you don't need), you can remove "more". I used a dash to bring in the next sentence-- this is an opportunity in the text to include an greater indication of your own voice, particularly with the punctuation. This also keeps the flow of your paragraph sharp.
		+
		+	'''*However, some scientists believe the answer is tied to genetics.*'''
		+
		+	- I used the adverb to mark a transition in the paragraph. "Believe" is present tense because nothing has challenged that belief (at least not in your article). "Something to do" is vague. "Tied" at least provides some imagery.
		+
		+	'''*Many also postulate that this could occur other regions around the world, and perhaps this is not as rare as previously believed.*'''
		+
		+	- I removed the adverb because my previous sentence begins with an adverb, but I really like your word choice-- choosing an adverb not often used. Your concluding thought needed to be expressed more clearly. Great article! You've been picking some great ones lately.
		+
		+	*“Is it a Girl or a Boy?”
		+
		+	Gender reveals can be dramatic and exciting events, except when the outcome is obvious or anticipated. This is the case for a small village in Poland where the last 12 babies born there were all girls. There is always a 50/50 chance that a baby can be either a boy or a girl, so having two girls in a row is unlikely--12 consecutively is an anomaly! However, some scientists believe the answer is tied to genetics. Many also postulate that this could occur other regions around the world, and perhaps this is not as rare as previously believed.
		+
		+	https://www.popsci.com/polish-village-baby-boy-probability/
		+
		+
		+

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:31, 23 August 2019
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		+	“The Amazon Fireforest”
		+
		+	Everyone is aware of the Amazon rainforest as it is one of the largest rainforests in the world. It contained most of the earth's habitats. Today, the rainforest is deteriorating due to human activities. A week ago it is reported that there was a forest fire, however, the fire is still active throughout the week and destroying many homes. Many believed that this was no regular forest fire, but manmade one. Deforestation causes the fire as people cut down the fire, left it to dry, and set it on fire to fertilize the soil. Clear lands are used for cattle to graze their grass. Causing a forest fire just for farming purposes is unacceptable as it destroys many habitats. https://www.popsci.com/amazon-forest-fires/
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+	----
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
	“Is it a Girl or a Boy?”		“Is it a Girl or a Boy?”

← Older revision		Revision as of 23:44, 21 August 2019
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		+	“Is it a Girl or a Boy?”
		+
		+	Gender reveals are one of the most exciting events to attend with everyone’s guesses. However, if the outcome of the gender is obvious then it won’t be as exciting. This is the case for a small village in Poland. Where it been a decade since the last boy was born and 12 girls were born instead. There is a 50/50 chance that a baby could be either a boy or a girl and having two girls in a row is more unlikely. So having 12 girls in a row is extremely unlikely as it is rarely likely to happen. Some scientists believed that this could have something to do with genetics. Moreover, some believed that this could also happen to other places as well and it is as likely as having 12 girls in a row.
		+	https://www.popsci.com/polish-village-baby-boy-probability/
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+	----
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
	“India Cast System”		“India Cast System”

← Older revision		Revision as of 19:11, 21 August 2019
Line 4:		Line 4:


		+	'''* "Forbidden Love in India's Caste System"*'''

		+	- The spelling of "caste" is incorrect. Refer to the article if you are confused! I also inluded "forbidden love" to clue the reader to what the article will focus on (we are not focussing on the caste system but relationships in that system). Also, since the caste system belongs to India, possession needs to be shown.

		+	'''* Most people dream of being successful, wealthy and in control of their own lives.*'''
		+
		+	- You are starting the sentence with a generalization/assumption, so the statement should be slightly more vague (to show this is not an assertion but a generalization). This sentence was also very wordy, so I removed and consolidated some phrases.
		+
		+	'''*Sadly, this is not guaranteed for everyone, particuarly in India where many still follow a strict caste system.*'''
		+
		+	- I removed "to India"; this is an example of a sentence that has too many unnecessary words/phrases. Simplify your sentence, see what phrases are redundant or unclear.
		+
		+	'''*Take for example Amrutha and Pranay, a couple who married despiste coming from different caste levels.*'''
		+
		+	-We need "different caste levels" to provide specificity and clarity. This sentence is a dive into the paragraph, however we do need a smooth connection from your intro into the meat of the text.
		+
		+	'''*As a result, Amrutha's outraged father hired a hitman to kill Pranay, who was below his daughter in the caste system. *'''
		+
		+	-You forgot to indicate to Amrutha's father, and I specified "below his daughter" for further clarity.
		+
		+	'''*Unfortunately, Amrutha and Pranay are not the only ones who have faced this problem; there are many reported cases of couples who seek government protection after fleeing from their disgruntled families.*'''
		+
		+	-These two sentences can be connected with a semi-colon to smooth the flow and rhythm you build. I also changed the verb order ("who seek" before "fleeing from")-- this keeps the sentence and actions linear. I used "disgruntled" to decribe "families"
		+
		+	'''*Even friendships between children from different caste levels is strictly forbidden.*'''
		+
		+	- I wanted to tie this sentence with the one that follows, however I didn't want to use another semi-colon so I changed the way the sentence begins. This way, a single, slightly weaker sentence will not be used as a transition or change in topic.
		+
		+	'''*These threats of violence make it impossible for people to be in control of their own lives.*'''
		+
		+	- The start of your conclusion is too weak to wrap up the sentence! Get straight to the point and show what the artcile's overall message is. Very interesting to read! I like your interpretation of the original piece.
		+
		+	*"Forbidden Love in India's Caste System"
		+
		+	Most people dream of being successful, wealthy and in control of their own lives. Sadly, this is not guaranteed for everyone, particuarly in India where many still follow a strict caste system. Take for example Amrutha and Pranay, a couple who married despiste coming from different caste levels. As a result, Amrutha's outraged father hired a hitman to kill Pranay, who was below his daughter in the caste system. Unfortunately, Amrutha and Pranay are not the only ones who have faced this problem; there are many reported cases of couples who seek government protection after fleeing from their disgruntled families. Even friendships between children from different caste levels is strictly forbidden. These threats of violence make it impossible for people to be in control of their own lives.
		+
		+	https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/a-young-indian-couple-married-for-love-then-the-brides-father-hired-assassins/2019/08/19/3d1ce9a0-a1d0-11e9-a767-d7ab84aef3e9_story.html

	----		----

← Older revision		Revision as of 22:36, 20 August 2019
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		+	“India Cast System”
		+
		+	Every person's dream is to be successful in their career, be wealthy, and marry their loved ones and live happily ever after. Sadly, this may not apply to India as many Indian still follows the strict cast system. For example, Amrutha and Pranay are a couple who got married without their parent approvals. As a result of this, Amrutha was outrageous and hired a man to kill Pranay who is below their status. Unfortunately, Amrutha and Pranay aren’t the only couples who are facing this problem. There are many other cases reported of couples running away from their families and are seeking protection from the government. In addition, relationships aren’t the only strict factors that people have to follow. It is known that children are not allowed to make friends with kids below their cast system. It is very sorrowful that the person themselves can not choose their partner or friend. https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/asia_pacific/a-young-indian-couple-married-for-love-then-the-brides-father-hired-assassins/2019/08/19/3d1ce9a0-a1d0-11e9-a767-d7ab84aef3e9_story.html
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+	----
		+
		+
		+
		+
		+
	“Not Satisfied With Your Toilet Papers?”		“Not Satisfied With Your Toilet Papers?”

@@ Line 3: / Line 3: @@
   Everyone is busy, especially at this age of time as technologies are booming and many people have many of their own responsibilities. No one really has the time to wonder or think about themselves or if their toilet paper is suitable for them. There is a program for critiquing toilet papers so it matches and satisfied customers. Toilet papers are hard to form as they have to be soft, is strong so it doesn’t break while wiping, have a good smell, and easy to breakdown to be flushed or else the toilet will be a clogged toilet. The real debate is keeping the tissue as soft as possible at the same time making it strong so it doesn’t break while it is used. It is interesting that people are always experimenting and altering something we don’t even consider.  https://www.popsci.com/charmin-secret-poop-lab/
--Good title! No edits
+'''***"Are You Satisfied with Your Toilet Paper?"***'''
-'''*** In this booming technological age, many people have their own busy responsibilities and don't have the time to assess if their toliet paper is suitable for them.***'''
+- Your title is posed as a question, direct it to the audience! "With" is a preposition and it is not capitalized.
 -By forming the sentence like this, we introduce the subject and start the sentence with a linear flow (a beginning, middle and end). I also used your second sentence to complete the thought.
-'''***However, there is a program for which critiques different toilet papers to meet customer's needs.***'''
+'''***However, a program initiated by Charmin's critiques different toilet papers to meet the customer's needs.***'''
 - I changed the tense of the verb "critiquing". Also, "matches" wasn't the best term to suit the sentence.
-'''***Toilet paper must
+'''***Consumers must also take into account how their choices impact the environment, as most toilet paper is not sustainable. ***'''

← Older revision		Revision as of 17:48, 20 August 2019
Line 3:		Line 3:
	Everyone is busy, especially at this age of time as technologies are booming and many people have many of their own responsibilities. No one really has the time to wonder or think about themselves or if their toilet paper is suitable for them. There is a program for critiquing toilet papers so it matches and satisfied customers. Toilet papers are hard to form as they have to be soft, is strong so it doesn’t break while wiping, have a good smell, and easy to breakdown to be flushed or else the toilet will be a clogged toilet. The real debate is keeping the tissue as soft as possible at the same time making it strong so it doesn’t break while it is used. It is interesting that people are always experimenting and altering something we don’t even consider. https://www.popsci.com/charmin-secret-poop-lab/		Everyone is busy, especially at this age of time as technologies are booming and many people have many of their own responsibilities. No one really has the time to wonder or think about themselves or if their toilet paper is suitable for them. There is a program for critiquing toilet papers so it matches and satisfied customers. Toilet papers are hard to form as they have to be soft, is strong so it doesn’t break while wiping, have a good smell, and easy to breakdown to be flushed or else the toilet will be a clogged toilet. The real debate is keeping the tissue as soft as possible at the same time making it strong so it doesn’t break while it is used. It is interesting that people are always experimenting and altering something we don’t even consider. https://www.popsci.com/charmin-secret-poop-lab/

		+	-Good title! No edits

		+	'''* In this booming technological age, many people have their own busy responsibilities and don't have the time to assess if their toliet paper is suitable for them.*'''
		+
		+	-By forming the sentence like this, we introduce the subject and start the sentence with a linear flow (a beginning, middle and end). I also used your second sentence to complete the thought.
		+
		+	'''*However, there is a program for which critiques different toilet papers to meet customer's needs.*'''
		+	- I changed the tense of the verb "critiquing". Also, "matches" wasn't the best term to suit the sentence.
		+
		+	'''***Toilet paper must