Pesh - Revision history

73.181.163.172 at 21:41, 28 November 2018

2018-11-28T21:41:52Z

73.181.163.172 at 00:57, 27 November 2018

2018-11-27T00:57:20Z

73.181.163.172 at 00:42, 27 November 2018

2018-11-27T00:42:09Z

73.181.163.172 at 05:24, 22 November 2018

2018-11-22T05:24:42Z

73.181.163.172 at 05:22, 22 November 2018

2018-11-22T05:22:33Z

73.181.163.172 at 05:21, 22 November 2018

2018-11-22T05:21:38Z

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207.237.3.158 at 03:30, 21 November 2018

2018-11-21T03:30:23Z

207.237.3.158 at 03:29, 21 November 2018

2018-11-21T03:29:15Z

73.181.163.172 at 22:30, 18 November 2018

2018-11-18T22:30:09Z

73.181.163.172 at 22:02, 18 November 2018

2018-11-18T22:02:09Z

@@ Line 38: / Line 38: @@
 '''Harmful Effects of Caffeine'''
 <br> When researching about caffeine, it is most likely that you will not find the negative effects it has on the human body. Large amounts of caffeine consumption can lead to high blood pressure or even death. People who consume caffeine beverages on the daily often report an upset stomach later on in the day. One study showed that regularly consuming large quantities of caffeine may reduce the chance for a woman to get pregnant by 27%. Certain amounts of caffeine can lead to an overdose which is very rare; if you don't measure the amount of caffeine you are consuming, you could be putting your life at risk. Although many people consider caffeine to be fine and even rely on it to get through the day, remember that there are many harmful effects that have been caused by consuming too much caffeine.
 -------------------------
@@ Line 76: / Line 78: @@
 <br>Many Salvadoran migrants struggled to get across the borders because it was hard for them to get into a caravan.
 <br>Although there may have been many hardships throughout their journey, the Salvadoran and Honduran migrants pushed their way across the border to start a new life of opportunity.
 ----------------
@@ Line 103: / Line 108: @@
 <br> '''Water Crisis in India'''
 <br> India is now facing their worst water shortage in history. More than 20 cities will gulp their entire aquifers dry within the next two years. This means that hundreds of millions of people will be living without groundwater. Sustainable water development in India has seen slow progress in recent years. The government's idea in fixing the problem is to build more dams; they already have about 5,000 dams, so this likely won't make a difference. Poor irrigation techniques and severe contamination of groundwater have brought India to the edge of this crisis. India must be strong and fight through this crisis; eventually they'll have enough resources to fix the water shortage problem.
 ------------------
@@ Line 135: / Line 143: @@
 <br> '''The Dangers of Earthquakes'''
 <br> A magnitude 8.2 earthquake struck Southern Mexico, killing dozens and injuring hundreds. The event of the quake took place in a matter of tens of seconds, and released a great amount of energy. The deep quakes can create strong shaking over a wide area that can level plenty of buildings. One earthquake took place in a Chilean town in 1939, killing at least 30,000 people. Earthquakes are a force not to be messed with; they can cause mass damage and end lives in an instant. These days, we have the technology to detect the movements of the plates, which can tell us what's going on under the ground in the case of an incoming earthquake.
 ------------------
@@ Line 178: / Line 189: @@
 <br> '''Adventures Down Deep'''
 <br> National Geographic cave photographer Robbie Shone and his assistant Jeff Wade had joined a Russian expedition to explore and photograph Veryovkina, the deepest-known cave on Earth. There was a rumble that occurred while the crew members were diving down into the cave. The entire cave began to shake as if by an earthquake. There was an enormous flood that sent Shone and Wade scrambling for their lives. Shone recalls the sound being like nothing he had ever heard before. The rumbling coming from the depths of the cave was caused by the flood that was building within the cave. As a result, Shone and Wade had to return to the surface due to the fact that it would've been dangerous to stay down in the cave.
 -------------------
@@ Line 221: / Line 235: @@
 <br> '''The Influence of Beards'''
 <br> The beard has been a common trend throughout history. Historically, beards have come in many shapes and forms, such as: curled, dyed, waxed, braided, gilded, scented, starched, taxed, and forbidden. The president Abraham Lincoln grew his famous beard at the suggestion of a little girl who lived in Westfield, New York. Much of fashion influences at that time came from wars, and usually wars discourage many men to grow their beards. In wars or battle, beards were often used as a handle for the enemy to use against someone in combat. As a result, beards have become very popular throughout history, while also being dangerous in the wars that took place all those years.

← Older revision		Revision as of 00:57, 27 November 2018
Line 189:		Line 189:
	<br>In wars or battle, beards were often used as a handy handle for the enemy to use against someone in combat.		<br>In wars or battle, beards were often used as a handy handle for the enemy to use against someone in combat.
	<br>As a result, beards have become very popular through history but also dangerous in the wars that took place all those many years in history.		<br>As a result, beards have become very popular through history but also dangerous in the wars that took place all those many years in history.
		+	<br>
		+	<br>'''The Influence of Beards'''
		+	<br>The beard has been a common trend through history.
		+	*** Replace "through" with "throughout."
		+	*** Corrected sentence: '''The beard has been a common trend throughout history.'''
		+	<br> Historically beards have come in many types of shapes and foms such as curled, dyed, waxed, braided, gilded, scented, starched, taxed, and forbidden.
		+	*** There should be a comma after the word "historically."
		+	*** "Types of" is unnecessary here.
		+	*** Incorrect spelling of "forms."
		+	*** There should be a comma before "such as."
		+	*** The sentence would benefit from adding a colon after "such as."
		+	*** Corrected sentence: '''Historically, beards have come in many shapes and forms, such as: curled, dyed, waxed, braided, gilded, scented, starched, taxed, and forbidden.'''
		+	<br>The president, Abraham Lincoln, grew his famous beard at the suggestion of a little girl who lived in Westfield, New York.
		+	*** There does not need to be a comma before and after "Abraham Lincoln" because he is not the current president.
		+	*** Corrected sentence: '''The president Abraham Lincoln grew his famous beard at the suggestion of a little girl who lived in Westfield, New York.'''
		+	<br>Mostly fashion gets moits influence from wars, and usually wars discourage many men to grow their beards.
		+	*** Try replacing the first part of this sentence--"mostly fashion gets moits influence from wars"--with "Much of fashion influences at that time came from wars."
		+	*** "Many men" can just be "men."
		+	*** Corrected sentence: '''Much of fashion influences at that time came from wars, and usually wars discourage many men to grow their beards.'''
		+	<br>In wars or battle, beards were often used as a handy handle for the enemy to use against someone in combat.
		+	*** "Handy handle" is repetitive, and the word "handy" can be removed.
		+	*** Corrected sentence: '''In wars or battle, beards were often used as a handle for the enemy to use against someone in combat.'''
		+	<br>As a result, beards have become very popular through history but also dangerous in the wars that took place all those many years in history.
		+	*** "Through" should be "throughout."
		+	*** There should be a comma after the word "history."
		+	*** "While" is a better substitute for "but" in this instance. Because of this switch, the word "being" should be included before "dangerous."
		+	*** "All those many years" is repetitive. Try removing the word "many."
		+	*** "In history" can be removed from the end, because it is also a bit repetitive.
		+	*** Corrected sentence: '''As a result, beards have become very popular throughout history, while also being dangerous in the wars that took place all those years.'''
		+	<br>
		+	<br> '''The Influence of Beards'''
		+	<br> The beard has been a common trend throughout history. Historically, beards have come in many shapes and forms, such as: curled, dyed, waxed, braided, gilded, scented, starched, taxed, and forbidden. The president Abraham Lincoln grew his famous beard at the suggestion of a little girl who lived in Westfield, New York. Much of fashion influences at that time came from wars, and usually wars discourage many men to grow their beards. In wars or battle, beards were often used as a handle for the enemy to use against someone in combat. As a result, beards have become very popular throughout history, while also being dangerous in the wars that took place all those years.

@@ Line 146: / Line 146: @@
 <br>The rumbling coming from the depths of the cave was caused by the flood that was building within the cave.
 <br>As a result of the caves starting to flood up the cavers and Shone had to return to the surface due the fact that it would've been dangerous for anyone to stay down in the cave.
+<br>
 -------------------

@@ Line 37: / Line 37: @@
 <br>
 '''Harmful Effects of Caffeine'''
-When researching about caffeine, it is most likely that you will not find the negative effects it has on the human body. Large amounts of caffeine consumption can lead to high blood pressure or even death. People who consume caffeine beverages on the daily often report an upset stomach later on in the day. One study showed that regularly consuming large quantities of caffeine may reduce the chance for a woman to get pregnant by 27%. Certain amounts of caffeine can lead to an overdose which is very rare; if you don't measure the amount of caffeine you are consuming, you could be putting your life at risk. Although many people consider caffeine to be fine and even rely on it to get through the day, remember that there are many harmful effects that have been caused by consuming too much caffeine.
+<br> When researching about caffeine, it is most likely that you will not find the negative effects it has on the human body. Large amounts of caffeine consumption can lead to high blood pressure or even death. People who consume caffeine beverages on the daily often report an upset stomach later on in the day. One study showed that regularly consuming large quantities of caffeine may reduce the chance for a woman to get pregnant by 27%. Certain amounts of caffeine can lead to an overdose which is very rare; if you don't measure the amount of caffeine you are consuming, you could be putting your life at risk. Although many people consider caffeine to be fine and even rely on it to get through the day, remember that there are many harmful effects that have been caused by consuming too much caffeine.
 -------------------------

@@ Line 19: / Line 19: @@
 <br>Large amounts of caffeine consumption can lead to high blood pressure or even death.
 <br>People who consume caffeine beverages on the daily often report an upset stomach later on the day.
-*** "On the day" should be replaced with "on in the day." '''People who consume caffeine beverages on the daily often report an upset stomach later on in the day.'''
+*** "On the day" should be replaced with "on in the day."
 <br>Study showed that large consumtions of caffeine may reduce the chance for a woman to get pregnant, by 27%.
 *** Instead of simply "study," you should say "one study."

@@ Line 9: / Line 9: @@
 <br>People who consume caffeine beverages on the daily often report an upset stomach later on the day.
 <br>Study showed that large consumtions of caffeine may reduce the chance for a woman to get pregnant, by 27%.
-<br>Certain amounts of caffeine can lead to an overdose which is very rear and if you don't measure the amount of caffeine you are consuming you will most likely put your life at risk.
+<br>Certain amounts of caffeine can lead to an overdose which is very rear, if you don't measure the amount of caffeine you are consuming you will most likely put your life at risk.
 <br>Although many people may say that caffeine is fine and it helps them go through the day, remember that there are many harmful effects that have been caused by consuming too much caffeine.
 -------------------------

@@ Line 2: / Line 2: @@
 <br>'''Hi Pema, you cannot use the sentences from the original articles. That is not the assignments for getting better. You need to paraphrase the sentences in your own words. This will help you for the SAT. Good job doing it though. - Mr. Steve'''
 --------------------
 Pema Sherpa
 -2-18

@@ Line 69: / Line 69: @@
 Pema Sherpa
 -25-18
 <br>'''The Dangers of Earthquakes'''
 <br>A magnitude 8.2 earthquake struck southern Mexico, killing dozens and injuring hundreds.
 <br>The event of the quake took place in a matter of tens of seconds, and it released a great amount of energy.
 <br>The deep quakes can create strong shaking over a wide area that can level plenty of buildings.
 <br>One earthquake was the one that took place beneath the Chilean town of Chilean in 1939, the earthquake had killed at least 30,000 people.
 <br>Earthquakes are a force that is not to be messed with, as you may have already herd, they can cause mass damage and end lives in an instant.
 <br>These days in case there is an incoming earthquake, we have the technology to detect the movements of the plates which can tell us whats going o under ground.
+<br> * * * I would change the words "in case there is an incoming earthquake" to "in the case of an incoming earthquake." It is just slightly more professional.
 ------------------

@@ Line 4: / Line 4: @@
 Pema Sherpa
 -2-18
 <br>'''The Struggles of being a Migrant'''
-<br>***Capitalize "Being".
+<br>* * * Capitalize "Being".
 <br>Due to violence and harsh conditions in El Salvador, migrants try to flee up north.
 <br>Many Salvadoran migrants would meet up with other caravans to get water for the trip to the U.S. border.
-<br>***Change this to present tense. Do this by dropping the word "would."
+<br>* * * Change this to present tense. Do this by dropping the word "would."
-<br>***Corrected sentence: '''Many Salvadoran migrants meet up with other caravans to get water for the trip to the U.S. border.'''
+<br>* * * Corrected sentence: '''Many Salvadoran migrants meet up with other caravans to get water for the trip to the U.S. border.'''
 <br>17 year old, Sandra, wants to attend college but since she lives in a neighborhood where gangs have made the lives of the people living there harsh.
-<br>***A comma isn't necessary before and after "Sandra."
+<br>* * * A comma isn't necessary before and after "Sandra."
-<br>***This sentence is incomplete. Drop the word "since" to fix this problem.
+<br>* * * This sentence is incomplete. Drop the word "since" to fix this problem.
-<br>***"A neighborhood where gangs have made the lives of the people living there harsh" is more wordy than it needs to be. Try: "a harsh neighborhood due to gangs."
+<br>* * * "A neighborhood where gangs have made the lives of the people living there harsh" is more wordy than it needs to be. Try: "a harsh neighborhood due to gangs."
-<br>***Corrected sentence: '''17 year old Sandra wants to attend college but she lives in a harsh neighborhood due to gangs.'''
+<br>* * * Corrected sentence: '''17 year old Sandra wants to attend college but she lives in a harsh neighborhood due to gangs.'''
 <br>With the long and harsh journey many people left their own children back at home, they did not want to risk their lives while on the journey to the U.S.
-<br>***Since you have just used the word "harsh" in the previous sentence, switch it out for a synonym. Try: "hard."
+<br>* * * Since you have just used the word "harsh" in the previous sentence, switch it out for a synonym. Try: "hard."
-<br>***The first part of this sentence makes more sense if you switch the wording to, "Many people left their children back at home because of the long and hard journey."
+<br>* * * The first part of this sentence makes more sense if you switch the wording to, "Many people left their children back at home because of the long and hard journey."
-<br>***Your use of a comma here is considered a comma splice, where a comma is used to join two independent clauses. Instead, use a semicolon.
+<br>* * * Your use of a comma here is considered a comma splice, where a comma is used to join two independent clauses. Instead, use a semicolon.
-<br>***Corrected sentence: '''Many people left their children back at home because of the long and hard journey; they did not want to risk their lives while on the journey to the U.S.'''
+<br>* * * Corrected sentence: '''Many people left their children back at home because of the long and hard journey; they did not want to risk their lives while on the journey to the U.S.'''
 <br>Many Salvadoran migrants struggled to get across the borders because it was hard for them to get into a caravan.
 <br>Although there may have been many hardships through their journey, the Salvadoran and Honduran migrants pushed their way to get across the border and start a new life of opportunity
-<br>***"Throughout" is more powerful in this circumstance than "through."
+<br>* * * "Throughout" is more powerful in this circumstance than "through."
-<br>***A less wordy way of saying "pushed their way to get across the border and start a new life of opportunity," is to say "pushed their way across the border to start a new life of opportunity." It is just slightly more effective.
+<br>* * * A less wordy way of saying "pushed their way to get across the border and start a new life of opportunity," is to say "pushed their way across the border to start a new life of opportunity." It is just slightly more effective.
-<br>***Corrected sentence: '''Although there may have been many hardships throughout their journey, the Salvadoran and Honduran migrants pushed their way across the border to start a new life of opportunity.'''
+<br>* * * Corrected sentence: '''Although there may have been many hardships throughout their journey, the Salvadoran and Honduran migrants pushed their way across the border to start a new life of opportunity.'''
 <br>
 <br>'''The Struggles of Being a Migrant'''
@@ Line 37: / Line 41: @@
 Pema Sherpa
 -25-18
 <br>'''Water Crisis in India'''
 <br>India is now facing their worst water shortage in history.
-<br>More than 20 cities will gulp their entire aquifers dry within the next two years. This means that about hundreds of millions of people will be living without groundwater.
+<br>More than 20 cities will gulp their entire aquifers dry within the next two years.
 <br>Sustainable water development in India has seen slow progress in recent years.
 <br>The governments idea in fixing the problem is to build more dams, they already have about 5,000 dams, and it won't make a difference.
 <br>Poor irrigation techniques and severe contamination of groundwater have brought India to the edge of this crisis.
 <br>India must be strong and fight through this crisis, eventually they'll have enough resources to fix the water shortage problem presently.
-<br>Many Salvadoran migrants struggled to get across the borders because it was hard for them to get into a caravan.
+<br> * * * Again, your comma usage here is a comma splice. Switch it for a semicolon.
 ------------------