6/23/20
The boy was Japanese and he was a young man. One reason why i think this is because that the text says "It was the custom in old times that as soon as a Japanese"a young man." Another reason why i think this is because that the text also says "." These are my reasons. This is my reasons to why i think that the boy was Japanese and he was a young man.
Original Version:
The boy was Japanese and he was a young man. One reason why i think this is because that the text says "It was the custom in old times that as soon as a Japanese"a young man." Another reason why i think this is because that the text also says "." These are my reasons. This is my reasons to why i think that the boy was Japanese and he was a young man.
Corrections:
The young man was Japanese.
- I rephrased the sentence to make it flow better. You say young boy, but then say young man, so to make it consistent I used young man instead.
This is because the text states, “It was the custom in old times that as soon as a Japanese young man…”
- I deleted the personal pronouns to make it sound more objective. I also edited the introductory clause to better integrate the quote into the sentence. Make sure when reading it, it flows naturally. Lastly, this quotation is cut off, so I added an ellipsis at the end to signify the sentence from the text is not complete.
Another reason, according to the text, is [another quote here].
- You did not place a quote in this next sentence. You need another piece of evidence from the text according to the format rules for the paragraph. I didn’t add another quote here, but left a space so you could add one.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why he was a young Japanese man.
- I edited the sentence to corrected grammar mistakes.
Final version:
The young man was Japanese. This is because the text states, “It was the custom in old times that as soon as a Japanese young man…” Another reason, according to the text, is [another quote here]. In conclusion, these are the reasons why he was a young Japanese man.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/16/20
Johnny cake was a fast runner and he beat all the people who were running, i think he felt good to be running really fast. One reason why i think he felt good is because that, he ran fast so he can escape the house and that he left all the other people tired when he out-ran them. Another reason why i think he felt good about running fast is because that he left them all behind and he was as not out of breath, tired and he was not sowing down he just ran. These are the reasons why i think he felt good about out-running them all.
Original Version:
Johnny cake was a fast runner and he beat all the people who were running, i think he felt good to be running really fast. One reason why i think he felt good is because that, he ran fast so he can escape the house and that he left all the other people tired when he out-ran them. Another reason why i think he felt good about running fast is because that he left them all behind and he was as not out of breath, tired and he was not sowing down he just ran. These are the reasons why i think he felt good about out-running them all.
Corrections:
Johnny was a fast runner because he beat all the others who were running.
- I edited this for grammar.
He felt good about running so fast because it helps him escape the house.
- I edited the next two sentences into one sentence so it would be less wordy. I also deleted personal pronouns to help the paragraph sound more objectives. If you do use personal pronouns, however, make sure to capitalize them.
Another reason why he liked running was that he out-ran the others without becoming out of breath.
- I also edited this sentence to be shorter, as well as fixed some of the grammar errors.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why Johnny felt good about out-running them all.
- I added the phrase “in conclusion” so the transition would be smoother. I also added the character’s name so who you were talking about was clear to the reader.
Final Version:
Johnny was a fast runner because he beat all the others who were running. He felt good about running so fast because it helps him escape the house. Another reason why he liked running was that he out-ran the others without becoming out of breath. In conclusion, these are the reasons why Johnny felt good about out-running them all.
Great work! I suggest however to add more quotations from the text, so your answers have evidence backing them up.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/16/20
Henny penny thought the sky was falling because there was something on her head that fell. One reason is that the text said " when—whack!—something hit her upon the head." Another reason is that the text also said that "Goodness gracious me!” said Henny-penny; “the sky's a-going to fall; I must go and tell the king." In conclusion that means that henny penny thought the sky was falling because " when—whack!—something hit her upon the head" and "Goodness gracious me!” said Henny-penny; “the sky's a-going to fall; I must go and tell the king"
Original Version:
Henny penny thought the sky was falling because there was something on her head that fell. One reason is that the text said " when—whack!—something hit her upon the head." Another reason is that the text also said that "Goodness gracious me!” said Henny-penny; “the sky's a-going to fall; I must go and tell the king." In conclusion that means that henny penny thought the sky was falling because " when—whack!—something hit her upon the head" and "Goodness gracious me!” said Henny-penny; “the sky's a-going to fall; I must go and tell the king"
Corrections:
Henny penny thought the sky was falling because something fell on her head.
- I edited the end of the sentence to make it sound less wordy.
According to the text, "Something hit her upon the head."
- I edited the introductory clause, so it would better flow into the quote you use. I also edited the quote down so it would be better integrated into the paragraph, instead of seeming like a sentence fragment.
The text also states, “the sky's a-going to fall; I must go and tell the king.”
- The quotation you used was a bit too long, as some of the lines didn’t build on your answer. I edited it down so the quote would be more applicable to your argument.
In conclusion, Henny penny thought the sky was falling because something hit her head.
- You don’t need to restate all the quotations, it sounds a little redundant and is unnecessary. I deleted it and edited the sentence so it would be more concise. I also capitalized the first letter of her name.
Final Version:
Henny penny thought the sky was falling because something fell on her head. According to the text, "Something hit her upon the head." The text also states, “the sky's a-going to fall; I must go and tell the king.” In conclusion, Henny penny thought the sky was falling because something hit her head.
Great work! Make sure to use only parts of the quoted text that are applicable to explain your answer.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
6/15/20
There are two frogs in the story. One reason why that there are two frogs is because that "Once upon a time in the country of Japan there lived two frogs." Another reason is that the story says " two frogs." These are the reasons that there are two frogs in the story.
Original Version:
There are two frogs in the story. One reason why that there are two frogs is because that "Once upon a time in the country of Japan there lived two frogs." Another reason is that the story says " two frogs." These are the reasons that there are two frogs in the story.
Corrections:
There are two frogs in the story.
- Good!
One reason is that they’re in Japan. The text states, “Once upon a time in the country of Japan there lived two frogs."
- I split this into two sentences so it wouldn’t be a run-on sentence. I also edited the grammar by adding commas.
According to the text, there are "two frogs."
- I reworded the sentence to make it sound less repetitive, as it had similar wording as the previous sentences.
In conclusion, these are the reasons that there are two frogs in the story.
- I added a transitional phrase to help you transition into the conclusion.
Final Version:
There are two frogs in the story. One reason is because they’re in Japan. The text states, “Once upon a time in the country of Japan there lived two frogs." According to the text, there are "two frogs." In conclusion, these are the reasons that there are two frogs in the story.
Good work! Make sure to use a variety of words to help your sentences sound less repetitive.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
610/20
the story takes place in autumn and its a good weather. one reason is because that the text says that "It is autumn." Another reason why is because the text says that " the yellow leaves flutter down from the branches." These are the reasons why that it is autumn and its a good weather.
Original Version:
the story takes place in autumn and its a good weather. one reason is because that the text says that "It is autumn." Another reason why is because the text says that " the yellow leaves flutter down from the branches." These are the reasons why that it is autumn and its a good weather.
Corrections:
The story takes place during autumn, and the weather is good.
- I changed the preposition “in” to “during” for clarity. I also edited the sentence to correct the grammar.
The text states one reason, "It is autumn."
- The first letter of the sentence needs to be capitalized. I also edited the introductory clause so it would better integrate the quotation. Make sure when you read it, the two clauses flow together well.
Another reason why is because the text says that “the yellow leaves flutter down from the branches."
- Good! I only fixed the spacing error, the quotation mark should go directly in front of the first word in the quotation.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why autumn has good weather in the story.
- I added an introductory phrase to better transition into the conclusion. I also reworded the sentence, as the phrasing sounded a bit awkward.
Good work! I suggest working on your wording and phrasing. By reading your sentences out loud, it could help you spot grammar issues.
Final Version:
The story takes place during autumn, and the weather is good. The text states one reason, "It is autumn." Another reason why is because the text says that “the yellow leaves flutter down from the branches." In conclusion, these are the reasons why autumn has good weather in the story.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
6/9/20
They had fun in dinner. they had fun in dinner for many reasons. one reason is that in the text it says that "We had such an excellent dinner yesterday." Another reason that they had fun in dinner because that the text says that "We had such an excellent dinner yesterday." These are the reasons why that they had fun in the dinner and my text evidence why that they had fun.
Original Version:
They had fun in dinner. they had fun in dinner for many reasons. one reason is that in the text it says that "We had such an excellent dinner yesterday." Another reason that they had fun in dinner because that the text says that "We had such an excellent dinner yesterday." These are the reasons why that they had fun in the dinner and my text evidence why that they had fun.
Corrections:
They had fun at dinner for many reasons.
- Wrong preposition usage here. It should be “at” dinner as they are not inside of it. Also, the first two sentences should be combined as they are connected in meaning and purpose.
One reason is stated in the text, "We had such an excellent dinner yesterday."
- The first letter of the sentence needs to be capitalized. I also edited the introductory clause, as the original was a bit too wordy, and without shortening it, you would need commas.
- In the next piece of evidence, you used the same quotation. You need a second reason for why dinner was fun, use another one from the text for the third sentence.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why they had fun at dinner.
- I added a transitional clause to strengthen your conclusion. I also edited the second clause so it would be less repetitive, as you stated the same thing twice.
Make sure to check your work for repetition and use two pieces of text evidence to back up your answer.
Final Version:
They had fun at dinner for many reasons. One reason is stated in the text, "We had such an excellent dinner yesterday." [Another piece of evidence here]. In conclusion, these are the reasons why they had fun at dinner.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
6/4/2
The emperor likes gold. He likes gold for many reasons one reason is that"There was once an Emperor who had a horse shod with gold." Another reason is that . "He had a golden shoe on each foot." These are the reason that the emperor loves gold and my text evidence why.
Original Version:
The emperor likes gold. He likes gold for many reasons one reason is that"There was once an Emperor who had a horse shod with gold." Another reason is that . "He had a golden shoe on each foot." These are the reason that the emperor loves gold and my text evidence why.
Corrections:
The emperor likes gold for many reasons.
- Good! I just added the clause from the following sentence into this one so it would be more complete.
According to the text, “There was once an Emperor who had a horse shod with gold.”
- I added a transition sentence so the quote would be better integrated into the sentence. I also deleted “he likes gold for many reasons,” and added it to the first sentence.
Another reason is that "He had a golden shoe on each foot."
- There shouldn’t be a period after the word that, so I deleted it.
In conclusion, these are the reasons that the emperor loves gold.
- “Reasons” should be in the plural form as you are talking about multiple reasons. I also deleted the personal pronoun usage in this sentence so it would sound more objective. I added a transitional phrase at the beginning of the sentence as well to help strengthen the conclusion.
Final Version:
The emperor likes gold for many reasons. According to the text, “There was once an Emperor who had a horse shod with gold.” Another reason is that "He had a golden shoe on each foot." In conclusion, these are the reasons that the emperor loves gold.
Great work! I suggest using more transitional phrases to help the flow of your paragraph.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
6/2/20
The person is interested in seeing Rome. There are many reasons why that the person is interested in seeing Rome. one reason is that ""I should like to see Rome." Another reason is that "it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there. Now, do give me a description of Rome. How does the city look when you enter in at the gate?" These are the reasons why that the person wants to see Rome and is interested in it and my text evident of why.
Original Version:
The person is interested in seeing Rome. There are many reasons why that the person is interested in seeing Rome. one reason is that ""I should like to see Rome." Another reason is that "it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there. Now, do give me a description of Rome. How does the city look when you enter in at the gate?" These are the reasons why that the person wants to see Rome and is interested in it and my text evident of why.
Corrections:
The person is interested in seeing Rome.
- Good!
One reason the person wants to see Rome is stated in the text, when they say, “I should like to see Rome.”
- I deleted the following sentence, as it sounds repetitive next to the preceding and proceeding sentence. I reworded the sentence into one sentence and added a variety of word choice to help it be more engaging.
According to the text, another reason is that "it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there. Now, do give me a description of Rome. How does the city look when you enter in at the gate?"
- I added “according to the text” so the reader knows what you are quoting as evidence.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why the person in the story wants to see Rome.
- I added an introductory phrase to help you transition into the conclusion. I also reworded the sentence to take out the use of first-person, to make the sentence more objective.
Final Version:
The person is interested in seeing Rome. One reason the person wants to see Rome is stated in the text, when they say, “I should like to see Rome.” According to the text, another reason is that "it must be a lovely city, or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there. Now, do give me a description of Rome. How does the city look when you enter in at the gate?" In conclusion, these are the reasons why the person in the story wants to see Rome.
Great work! Make sure to look out for grammar mistakes.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
6/1/20
There are two people with the same name Claus. One reason is because that "In a village there once lived two men of the same name" Another reason is that " Both of them were called Claus." These are the reasons why that they both have the same name. These are my reasons and my text evidence to why that they both have the same name.
Original Version:
There are two people with the same name Claus. One reason is because that "In a village there once lived two men of the same name" Another reason is that " Both of them were called Claus." These are the reasons why that they both have the same name. These are my reasons and my text evidence to why that they both have the same name.
Corrections:
There are two people with the same name Claus in the story.
- Good. I just added a bit more context at the end of the sentence.
One reason is that "In a village there once lived two men of the same name."
- There needs to be a period inside the quotation mark. Also, “because” is the wrong choice after the “reason is.” I deleted it from the sentence to correct the sentence.
According to the text, another reason is that " Both of them were called Claus."
- I added “according to the text” to help transition to introduce your second piece of evidence.
In conclusion, these are the reasons and text evidence as to why they both have the same name.
- I deleted the proceeding sentence, as it sounds redundant next to the conclusion sentence. I added “in conclusion” to help the transition. I also deleted the use of personal pronouns to make it sound more objective.
Final Version:
There are two people with the same name Claus in the story. One reason is that "In a village there once lived two men of the same name." According to the text, another reason is that " Both of them were called Claus." In conclusion, these are the reasons and text evidence as to why they both have the same name.
Great work! Make sure to proofread your sentences for grammatical errors.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/31/20
There were fake princess around. One reason is because ". But she must be a real princess". Another reason that there are fake princesses there is because"It was now quite evident that she was a real princess" These are my reasons to why there are fake princesses around.And my text evidence to why there are fake princesses around.
Original Version:
There were fake princess around. One reason is because ". But she must be a real princess". Another reason that there are fake princesses there is because"It was now quite evident that she was a real princess" These are my reasons to why there are fake princesses around.And my text evidence to why there are fake princesses around.
Corrections:
There were fake princesses around in the story.
- As you are talking about multiple princesses, it should be in the plural form. I also added “in the story” to add more context to what you are talking about.
One reason is that the prince clarified that his wife “must be a real princess.”
- I reworded the sentence to better integrate the quote. The quote didn’t flow into the sentence. This version makes the quote make sense with the introductory clause before it.
Another reason that there are fake princesses there is because “he could not seem to make out whether they were real princesses; there was always something not quite satisfactory.”
- The original evidence you provided proves that she was a real princess, but it doesn’t back up your argument that there are indeed fake princesses around. I used a different quote that better explains that there are fake princesses.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why there are fake princesses in the story.
- I combined the two clauses into one sentence to make it more concise. I added “in conclusion” to help transition into the conclusion as well.
Final Version:
There were fake princesses around in the story. One reason is that the prince clarified that his wife “must be a real princess.” Another reason that there are fake princesses there is because “he could not seem to make out whether they were real princesses; there was always something not quite satisfactory.” In conclusion, these are the reasons why there are fake princesses in the story.
Good work! To improve your paragraph, make sure to use evidence that relates well to your answer.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/26/20 The mother did not want to hear them. One reason she did not want to hear them because in the text it says"Don't listen to what they say " . Another reason why she did not want to hear them because the text says "if you don't mind, it won't hurt you ". These are the reasons why that she did not want to hear them.
Original Version:
The mother did not want to hear them. One reason she did not want to hear them because in the text it says"Don't listen to what they say " . Another reason why she did not want to hear them because the text says "if you don't mind, it won't hurt you ". These are the reasons why that she did not want to hear them.
Corrections:
The mother did not want to hear them.
- Good!
The text states one reason she doesn’t want to hear them, she says “Don’t listen to what they say.”
- I edited the sentence so it would better flow into the quote. I also corrected the grammar by adding a comma and rewording the sentence.
In the text, it also says, "if you don't mind, it won't hurt you.”
- I placed the period inside the quotation mark so it was correct. I also reworded the sentence to make it less repetitive, as you used similar wording in the sentence before this one. Also, consider using a different quote than this one, as I’m not sure it backs up your point.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why she did not want to hear them.
- I added “in conclusion” so the transition from your evidence to your conclusion was clear.
Final Version:
The mother did not want to hear them. The text states one reason she doesn’t want to hear them, she says “Don’t listen to what they say.” In the text, it also says, "if you don't mind, it won't hurt you.” In conclusion, these are the reasons why she did not want to hear them.
Good work! I suggest working on your grammar to help improve the readability of your paragraph.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/17/20
There was a lot of green in the story. One reason why there was a lot of green is because it said "THERE were once five peas in one shell; they were green" Another reason to why there was a lot of green in the story is because " and the shell was green, and so they believed that the whole world must be green also". The peas were born in green so they thought the whole world would be green too. These are the reasons why i think there is a lot of green in the story.
Original Version:
There was a lot of green in the story. One reason why there was a lot of green is because it said "THERE were once five peas in one shell; they were green" Another reason to why there was a lot of green in the story is because " and the shell was green, and so they believed that the whole world must be green also". The peas were born in green so they thought the whole world would be green too. These are the reasons why i think there is a lot of green in the story.
Corrections:
There was a lot of green in the story.
- Good.
One reason why there was a lot of green is because of the peas in the story.
- You should state the reason for the green in the story before you introduce the quote as evidence. So, I identified the reason and wrote it, and separated the quote to be in the next sentence instead.
According to the text, “There were once five peas in one shell; they were green.”
- I added an introductory phrase to better integrate the quote into the text. In the original version, the quote was more abruptly placed into the paragraph. Quotes need to be integrated in order for the grammar and flow of the paragraph to be correct. The original version was also missing a period at the end of the sentence, so I added one. “There” should also not be in all capitals.
Another reason why there was a lot of green in the story is that the shell of the pea was green.
- There was the same issue as before in this sentence. I added an individual sentence to explain the second reason for the green in the story before adding the quote as evidence.
The text states, “the shell was green, and so they believed that the whole world must be green also.”
- I also added an introductory clause before the quotation to improve the flow of the sentence. Also, the period is supposed to go inside the quotation mark at the end of the sentence.
The peas were born green so they thought the whole world would be green too.
- I deleted “in” to correct the grammar.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why there is a lot of green in the story.
- I deleted the use of “I” in the story so the point of view would be in the third person. I also added a transition clause to strengthen the conclusion and flow of the paragraph.
Final Version:
There was a lot of green in the story. One reason why there was a lot of green is because of the peas in the story. According to the text, “There were once five peas in one shell; they were green.” Another reason to why there was a lot of green in the story is because the shell of the pea was green. The text states, “the shell was green, and so they believed that the whole world must be green also.” The peas were born green so they thought the whole world would be green too. In conclusion, these are the reasons why there is a lot of green in the story.
Good work! Remember to use transitional phrases to help integrate the quotes better.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/16/20
Baron is a rude person he is a rude person because he" shouted and screamed". Another reason is because " As soon as the baron, with his company and his dogs, had disappeared through the castle gate, she tried to raise herself ". He had left her on her own and he screamed and shouted. These are the reasons why he is a rude person.
Original Version:
Baron is a rude person he is a rude person because he" shouted and screamed". Another reason is because " As soon as the baron, with his company and his dogs, had disappeared through the castle gate, she tried to raise herself ". He had left her on her own and he screamed and shouted. These are the reasons why he is a rude person.
Corrections:
Baron is a rude person because he “shouted and screamed.”
- You repeated the word “rude” twice, so I decided to edit the sentence to make it more concise. I also put the period inside the quotation mark at the end of the sentence. Also, I think this quote is referring to the crowd and not the Baron, consider revising.
Another reason is stated in the text, “As soon as the baron, with his company and his dogs, had disappeared through the castle gate, she tried to raise herself.”
- I edited the introduction to the quote, so the reader knows where the quote comes from. Also, I placed the period inside the quotation mark at the end of the sentence.
He was impolite by leaving her alone.
- The first sentence used this same wording of “screamed and shouted” so I deleted it and reworded the sentence.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why he is a rude person.
- I added “in conclusion” to help you transition into your conclusion. I also added a comma where one was necessary for the revised sentence.
Good work! You did a good job explaining your answer thoroughly. I suggest working on the quotes you provide as evidence, make sure they apply to your point accurately.
Final Version:
Baron is a rude person because he “shouted and screamed.” Another reason is stated in the text, “As soon as the baron, with his company and his dogs, had disappeared through the castle gate, she tried to raise herself.” He was impolite by leaving her alone. In conclusion, these are the reasons why he is a rude person.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/15/20
Cassin and Ali Baba are brothers. One reason why is because in the text it says"There once lived in a town of Persia two brothers, one named Cassin and the other Ali Baba. " Another reason why they are brothers is because the text says that " two brothers, one named Cassim and the other Ali Baba." these are the reasons why Cassin and Ali Baba are brothers.
Original Version:
Cassin and Ali Baba are brothers. One reason why is because in the text it says"There once lived in a town of Persia two brothers, one named Cassin and the other Ali Baba. " Another reason why they are brothers is because the text says that " wo brothers, one named Cassim and the other Ali Baba." these are the reasons why Cassin and Ali Baba are brothers.
Corrections:
Cassim and Ali Baba are brothers.
- I corrected the spelling of “Cassim.”
The text explains the reason why, "There once lived in a town of Persia two brothers, one named Cassim and the other Ali Baba.”
- The clause before the quote is a bit clunky. To fix this, I deleted some of the words so it wouldn’t be a run-on sentence. I also corrected the spelling of “Cassim.”
Another reason is shown by Cassim’s wife, “Cassim, your brother is richer than you. He does not count his money, he measures it.”
- The second quote you gave was already used in the previous sentence, making this evidence redundant. I used another quote so the evidence would back up your point further.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why Cassim and Ali Baba are brothers.
- I added the phrase “in conclusion” so there would be more of a transition between the quote and the final sentence. I also corrected the spelling of “Cassim.”
Great work! Make sure to check your work for spelling errors, and do not use the same quote twice.
Final Version:
Cassim and Ali Baba are brothers. The text explains the reason why, "There once lived in a town of Persia two brothers, one named Cassim and the other Ali Baba.” Another reason is shown by Cassim’s wife, “Cassim, your brother is richer than you. He does not count his money, he measures it.” In conclusion, these are the reasons why Cassim and Ali Baba are brothers.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/14/20
The flax is very wise. One reason why the flax is very wise is because that the text states""but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty". Another reason why the flax is wise because the text states"By experiencing evil as well as good we become wise." These are the reasons why the flax is wise
Original Version:
The flax is very wise. One reason why the flax is very wise is because that the text states""but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty". Another reason why the flax is wise because the text states"By experiencing evil as well as good we become wise." These are the reasons why the flax is wise
Corrections:
The flax is very wise.
- Good!
One reason why the flax is very wise is he knows things the others do not. The text states, “but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty.”
- The reason for Flex being wise and the evidence you provide meshes together in one sentence. To make it easier to read, I split both clauses into two different sentences. I also edited the two sentences to improve the grammar and placed the period inside the quotation mark at the end of the quote.
Another reason why the flax is wise because he has experienced evil as well as good. According to the text, “By experiencing evil as well as good we become wise."
- I again separated the reason from the evidence to improve the flow of the paragraph. I also reworded it a bit to improve the grammar and to add a variety of word choices.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why the flax is wise.
- I added the phrase “in conclusion” to give you a transition into the conclusion. Also, you were missing a period at the end of the sentence.
Great work! Make sure to proofread for punctuation errors and run-on sentences.
Final Version:
The flax is very wise. One reason why the flax is very wise is he knows things the others do not. The text states, “but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty.” Another reason why the flax is wise because he has experienced evil as well as good. According to the text, “By experiencing evil as well as good we become wise." In conclusion, these are the reasons why the flax is wise. In conclusion, these are the reasons why the flax is wise.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/12/20
The soldiers are brothers. One reason why is because the text states There were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers . Another reason why is because the text states They were brothers for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon. These are the reasons why they were brother and my text evidence.
Original Version:
The soldiers are brothers. One reason why is because the text states There were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers. Another reason why is because the text states They were brothers for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon. These are the reasons why they were brother and my text evidence.”
Corrections:
The soldiers are brothers.
- Good!
The text states their relationship with one another “There were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers.”
- I changed the introduction to the quote because saying “one reason why is because” is unclear in its meaning, it lacks the subject of what the reason is referring to. Also, direct quotes from the text need to be punctuated with quotation marks.
The text also states “They were brothers for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon.”
- I made the introductory clause more concise so the quote could be better integrated into the sentence. I also put quotation marks around the quote itself.
In conclusion, the text evidence shows the reasons why they were brothers.
- “Brothers” needs to be plural as it refers to multiple people. Also, I edited the sentence so it would be grammatically correct and written in the third-person perspective.
Good work! Make sure to use quotation marks around the quoted material from the text.
Final Version:
The soldiers are brothers. The text states their relationship with one another “There were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers.” The text also states “They were brothers for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon.” In conclusion, the text evidence shows the reasons why they were brothers.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/8/10
The flea in the match was nice. He was nice for many reasons. One reason is because The Flea was the first to come forward. He had most exquisite manners, and bowed to the company on every side. Another reason is because "I jumped the highest, for all that," said the Flea; "but it's all the same to me "I jumped the highest, for all that," said the Flea; "but it's all the same to me. These are the reasons why the flea was nice and respectful.
Original Version:
The flea in the match was nice. He was nice for many reasons. One reason is because The Flea was the first to come forward. He had most exquisite manners, and bowed to the company on every side. Another reason is because "I jumped the highest, for all that," said the Flea; "but it's all the same to me "I jumped the highest, for all that," said the Flea; "but it's all the same to me. These are the reasons why the flea was nice and respectful.
Corrections:
The flea in the match was nice for many reasons.
- I combined the first two sentences so it would seem less repetitive.
One reason is that Flea was the first to come forward to the king.
- I added “to the king” so it would be clear about what the Flea was coming forward about. Also, “the” should not be capitalized as it is not at the beginning of the sentence or a proper noun.
According to the text, “He had most exquisite manners, and bowed to the company on every side.”
- This is a direct quote from the text, so it needs to be in quotation marks. Otherwise, it could be seen as plagiarism. I also added an introductory clause before the quotation to make it flow better.
The other reason the Flea was nice is that he acted respectfully.
- I added an explanation to the reason, so it would be clearly stated before you introduce the quote.
The text also states, "‘I jumped the highest, for all that,’ said the Flea; ‘but it's all the same to me.’”
- You copied and pasted the quote multiple times by accident, so I deleted the repeated phrases so everything was just stated once. I also added an introduction to the quote, so the reader would know it was from the text. Also, when there are quotation marks inside a quote, use single quotation marks.
These are the reasons why the Flea was nice and respectful.
- Good! I just capitalized “Flea” as it is used as a proper noun in the story.
Final Version:
The flea in the match was nice for many reasons. One reason is that Flea was the first to come forward to the king. According to the text, “He had most exquisite manners, and bowed to the company on every side.” The other reason the Flea was nice is that he acted respectfully. The text also states, "‘I jumped the highest, for all that,’ said the Flea; ‘but it's all the same to me.’” These are the reasons why the Flea was nice and respectful.
Great work! Just make sure to check your work for capitalization errors and add transition phrases.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/6/2020
The tree grows very fast and it get old and sick very fast. One reason why is because A rose tree stood in the window. But a little while ago it had been green and fresh, and now it looked sickly. Another reason why is because " He was but three days old, and yet he was already a grandfather. These are the reasons why it grows old and turns sick very fast.
Original Version:
The tree grows very fast and it get old and sick very fast. One reason why is because A rose tree stood in the window. But a little while ago it had been green and fresh, and now it looked sickly. Another reason why is because " He was but three days old, and yet he was already a grandfather. These are the reasons why it grows old and turns sick very fast.
Corrections:
The tree grows very fast and it gets old and sick very fast.
- The use of “very” was a bit repetitive, so I rephrased the sentence and used a variety of words.
One reason is that it sat by the window. According to the text, “A rose tree stood in the window. But a little while ago it had been green and fresh, and now it looked sickly.”
- You connected the reason with the quote. I split this up into two sentences. I also added quotation marks around the quote, otherwise, it could be seen as plagiarism.
Another reason the tree ages fast is by how much it grows over a few days. The text states, “" He was but three days old, and yet he was already a grandfather.”
- I did the same sort of edit with this sentence. I separated it into two paragraphs and added more of an explanation to what the second reason is for it growing quickly. I did this so the reader was clearer on your second piece of evidence.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why the tree grows old and gets sick very fast.
- I added a transition clause in the conclusion sentence. I also edited the sentence to improve the grammar.
Great work! Remember to use a variety of words to avoid repetition, and begin and end your quotes with quotation marks.
Final Version:
The tree grows very fast and it gets old and sick very fast. One reason is that it sat by the window. According to the text, “A rose tree stood in the window. But a little while ago it had been green and fresh, and now it looked sickly.” Another reason the tree ages fast is by how much it grows over a few days. The text states, “He was but three days old, and yet he was already a grandfather.” In conclusion, these are the reasons why the tree grows old and gets sick very fast.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/5/2020
The sunshine is a very thoughtful person. One reason is because that she said silence and they listened to her wind was going to tell a story but she said on and she said;"The feather fell upon the light curly hair of a young man whose business it was to care for the goods in the ship the supercargo he was called. The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead became a pen in his hand and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman's shield, on which said the Sunshine "I shone."" This made her stop the fight.
Original Version:
The sunshine is a very thoughtful person. One reason is because that she said silence and they listened to her wind was going to tell a story but she said on and she said;"The feather fell upon the light curly hair of a young man whose business it was to care for the goods in the ship the supercargo he was called. The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead became a pen in his hand and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman's shield, on which said the Sunshine "I shone."" This made her stop the fight.
Corrections:
The character Sunshine is very thoughtful.
- In the text, sunshine is capitalized because it’s a character. I edited this sentence to reflect that.
Sunshine tells the others to be quiet and listen to her story, showing she is thoughtful.
- I capitalized the word sunshine and edited the sentence to improve the grammar.
In the text, Sunshine says, “‘I will speak myself,’ said the Sunshine. ‘Silence!’ and the Sunshine said it with such glory and majesty that the weary Wind fell prostrate.”
- The quotation you used is too long, so I used a shorter one that connects to the opening sentence better. I also added an introductory clause to introduce the quote.
In conclusion, Sunshine stops the fight in the story by being thoughtful and speaking her mind.
- I edited the last sentence to improve the conclusion. In a conclusion sentence, make sure you wrap up your ideas clearly. The last sentence in the original version lacked context.
Good job! Make sure to choose evidence from the text that is appropriate, matching the point you are trying to make.
Final Version:
The character Sunshine is very thoughtful. Sunshine tells the others to be quiet and listen to her story, showing she is thoughtful. In the text, Sunshine says, “‘I will speak myself,’ said the Sunshine. ‘Silence!’ and the Sunshine said it with such glory and majesty that the weary Wind fell prostrate.” In conclusion, Sunshine stops the fight in the story by being thoughtful and speaking her mind.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
5/1/2020 The burdock tree is a big tree. One reason is because The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock. Another reason why is because Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella . These are the reasons why the burdock tree is a big tree.
Original Version:
The burdock tree is a big tree. One reason is because The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock. Another reason why is because Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella . These are the reasons why the burdock tree is a big tree.
Corrections:
The burdock tree is a big tree.
- Good!
According to the text, “The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock.”
- This line is direct from the text. You can’t use the same words from the text unless you are using it as a quote. I did that here, so it wouldn’t be considered plagiarism.
The tree is so large, that it could function as an umbrella. The text states “Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella.”
- Again, this was originally plagiarized from the text. I reworded the sentence and used a quote to back this up.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why the burdock tree is a big tree.
- I edited the sentence by adding an introductory phrase, to help transition into the conclusion.
Good job. However, make sure not to plagiarize. Use quotations from the text as evidence, but make sure not to take a word for word sentences from it without quotation marks.
Final Version:
The burdock tree is a big tree. According to the text, “The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock.” The tree is so large, that it could function as an umbrella. The text states “Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella.” In conclusion, these are the reasons why the burdock tree is a big tree.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
4/29/2020
The little mermaid is the youngest among all her sisters. She is thoughtful and caring. One reason why she is thoughtful and beautiful is because She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful. Another reason why she is also the prettiest of all is because They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf These are the reasons why the youngest is the most beautiful and also the most caring and thoughtful.
Original Version:
The little mermaid is the youngest among all her sisters. She is thoughtful and caring. One reason why she is thoughtful and beautiful is because She was a curious child, quiet and thoughtful. Another reason why she is also the prettiest of all is because They were six beautiful children, but the youngest was the prettiest of all her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf These are the reasons why the youngest is the most beautiful and also the most caring and thoughtful.
Corrections:
The little mermaid is the youngest among all her sisters and is thoughtful and caring.
- I combined the first two sentences to make the opening statement more concise.
One reason that she differs from her sisters is because of her curiosity.
- This sentence doesn’t flow well, it seems like two sentences jammed together. It also repeats words that you already used in previous sentences. I shortened and reworded it.
Another reason why she contrasts her sisters is because of her beauty. Out of six beautiful children, the youngest was considered to be the prettiest. According to the text, “her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf.”
- The original sentence was too long, creating a run-on sentence. I separated the clauses into their own sentences. You also used words from the text, so I added a direct quotation. This makes it so someone can’t mistake it for plagiarism.
In conclusion, the youngest is the most beautiful, caring, and thoughtful out of all of the children.
- To transition into the conclusion, try using phrases like “in conclusion” at the beginning of the sentence. I separated this clause from the others, as it is a separate thought from the previous sentences.
Good work! Make sure to avoid run-on sentences. Try being more concise, and shortening your sentences to help improve your grammar.
Final Version:
The little mermaid is the youngest among all her sisters and is thoughtful and caring. One reason that she differs from her sisters is because of her curiosity. Another reason why she contrasts her sisters is because of her beauty. Out of six beautiful children, the youngest was considered to be the prettiest. According to the text, “her skin was as soft and delicate as a roseleaf.” In conclusion, the youngest is the most beautiful, caring, and thoughtful out of all of the children.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
4/28/2020
The robot dog is helpful in many ways one way is he company the 3-foot tall, 70-pound robot to operate as a mobile telemedicine platform, enabling healthcare providers to determine a patient's condition remotely. Another reason is with an iPad face and a radio that make's for real life talking or conversation spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in to meet them. These are the reasons why the robot dog is very useful and help to the doctor's to help patients.
Original Version:
The robot dog is helpful in many ways one way is he company the 3-foot tall, 70-pound robot to operate as a mobile telemedicine platform, enabling healthcare providers to determine a patient's condition remotely. Another reason is with an iPad face and a radio that make's for real life talking or conversation spot helps doctors to speak to patients without coming in to meet them. These are the reasons why the robot dog is very useful and help to the doctor's to help patients.
Corrections
The robot dog made by Boston Dynamics is helpful in many ways. One way it assists hospitals is by examining patients’ conditions remotely.
- The first sentence was a run-on sentence. I split it into two separate sentences. The second half of the original sentence is below. I added a sentence after the first to set up the quotation you use next. I also specified the company that makes the robot dog so it was clear to the reader.
The text states that “the 3-foot tall, 70-pound robot to operate as a mobile telemedicine platform, enabling healthcare providers to determine a patient's condition remotely.”
- This was a word-by-word quote from the text. It could be seen as plagiarism if you don’t use quotation marks. I edited the sentence to incorporate the quote correctly.
Another reason it helps hospitals is by assisting doctors. According to the text, the dog uses its iPad face and radio to help doctors speak to patients without coming in to meet them.
- This is paraphrased from the text, but it is phrased incorrectly. I edited the sentence to correct the grammar.
In conclusion, these are the reasons why the robot dog is very useful to doctors and patients.
- I edited the conclusion to help it be a stronger closing statement.
Good work! Remember to quote and paraphrase the text correctly. Also, proofread for grammar errors.
Final Version:
The robot dog made by Boston Dynamics is helpful in many ways. One way it assists hospitals is by examining patients’ conditions remotely. The text states that “the 3-foot tall, 70-pound robot to operate as a mobile telemedicine platform, enabling healthcare providers to determine a patient's condition remotely.” Another reason it helps hospitals is by assisting doctors. According to the text, the dog uses its iPad face and radio to help doctors speak to patients without coming in to meet them. In conclusion, these are the reasons why the robot dog is very useful to doctors and patients.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
- )
April 22,2020
Earth day a very special day we celebrate it at April 22 at this day we take care of earth but the thing is in this type of season most people can not celebrate it. The corona is spreading so we have to be careful that we don't go out side. this day is meant to appericiate what earth has done to us we love earth so we celebrate this holiday.
Original Version:
Earth day a very special day we celebrate it at April 22 at this day we take care of earth but the thing is in this type of season most people can not celebrate it. The corona is spreading so we have to be careful that we don't go out side. this day is meant to appericiate what earth has done to us we love earth so we celebrate this holiday.
Corrections:
Earth Day a very special holiday that we celebrate on April 22.
- This sentence was at first a run-on sentence. I edited it to make it shorter and grammatically correct. I split the sentence into three different sentences. Also “Earth Day” should be capitalized as it is a holiday. The preposition “at” is incorrect, as it should be “on.” I also rephrased the sentence to improve the grammar.
It is a day that we take care of the earth.
- You need the article “the” in front of “earth.”
However, most people cannot celebrate Earth Day this year.
- It should be “cannot” in this context. I also reworded the sentence to make what you are saying clearer.
The coronavirus is spreading, so we have to be careful that we don't go outside.
- Because you used the definite article “the,” it should be spelt “coronavirus.” You were also missing a comma before the word “so.” “Outside” was also miswritten in the original version, it should be one word.
This holiday is meant to appreciate what earth has done for us as well as celebrate the love we have for it.
- “This” should be capitalized as it is the first word in the sentence. I also corrected the spelling of “appreciate.” It should be “for us,” not “to us.” This is because the Earth isn’t doing to us, but it is doing something for us. I also reworded parts of the sentence to help the flow and grammar of the sentence.
Good job! I suggest that you proofread your writing in case there are spelling errors.
Final Version:
Earth Day a very special holiday that we celebrate on April 22. It is a day that we take care of the earth. However, most people cannot celebrate Earth Day this year. The coronavirus is spreading, so we have to be careful that we don't go outside. This holiday is meant to appreciate what earth has done for us as well as celebrate the love we have for it.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 11,2020
The 50th Anniversary is a thing we celebrate it at April ,22.IT is a activity we are suppose to do outside But at this time and how the climate is we don't thing you can go outside to celebrate. This day we appreciate what earth has done to us it gave us life, food and a good place to live without all this we would not be here alive. This is why earth day a good day to celebrate.
Original Version:
The 50th Anniversary is a thing we celebrate it at April ,22.IT is a activity we are suppose to do outside But at this time and how the climate is we don't thing you can go outside to celebrate. This day we appreciate what earth has done to us it gave us life, food and a good place to live without all this we would not be here alive. This is why earth day a good day to celebrate.
Corrections:
The 50th anniversary of Earth Day is being celebrated on April, 22.
- The 50th anniversary of what? This wasn’t clear in the original sentence, so I specified that it was in celebration of Earth Day. Earth Day needs to be mentioned in the paragraph so the reader knows what event you are talking about.
It is a day to spend outside. However, during this time and climate, activities celebrating earth day cannot take place outside.
- “It” should not be in all caps. Also, there needs to be a period after the word “outside.” I rephrased both sentences as well to correct the grammar.
In conclusion, Earth Day is celebrated to thank the earth for all that it has given us. Without it, we wouldn’t be alive.
- This was a run-on sentence. I split it into two sentences and reworded it to make the closing statement more concise. Also, I added the phrase “in conclusion” to make the transition from your explanation to the conclusion better.
Great work! Remember to proofread your work for punctuation and capitalization errors. Also, consider adding a quote from the text to back up your statements.
Final Version:
The 50th anniversary of Earth Day is being celebrated on April, 22. It is a day to spend outside. However, during this time and climate, activities celebrating earth day cannot take place outside. In conclusion, Earth Day is celebrated to thank the earth for all that it has given us. Without it, we wouldn’t be alive.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 16,2020
There are many accomplishments William has achieved. One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give. Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 by giving food. Therefore William has achieved many accomplishments. These are the reasons why and my evidence.
Original Version:
There are many accomplishments William has achieved. One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give. Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 by giving food. Therefore William has achieved many accomplishments. These are the reasons why and my evidence.
Corrections:
There are many accomplishments William has achieved.
- Good!
One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give in the effort to end childhood hunger.
- To give to what? I added “in the effort to end childhood hunger” to make this clear.
Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 to help provide kids with food.
- There was a similar problem in this sentence. What was the money raised for? Make sure that this is clear. I added “to help provide kids with food” to describe what the money he was raising was being used towards, to show how it is an accomplishment.
This evidence explains the reasons for William’s endeavors. Therefore, William has achieved many accomplishments through his work with Food Drive Kids.
- The conclusion sentence should go last, so I switched the order of these two sentences. I also rephrased the first sentence to correct the grammar, and clarify what the reasons are explaining. I also used a variety of word choice, to make it sound less repetitive. Lastly, I added a comma after therefore, as it is an introductory phrase that needs a comma.
Great work! Make sure your points are clear and not ambiguous.
Final Version:
There are many accomplishments William has achieved. One thing he has achieved is he collected about 55,000 pounds of food to give in the effort to end childhood hunger. Another achieved accomplishment is he raised over $63,000 to help provide kids with food. This evidence explains the reasons for William’s endeavors. Therefore, William has achieved many accomplishments through his work with Food Drive Kids.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 15, 2020
This Japanese ceremony is different from other ceremony's for many reasons. One reason Is the text says "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called". Another reason I the text says "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the corona virus time while other people would cancel the ceremony". In conclusion, the Japanese ceremony is different than other one around the world during corona virus.
Original Version:
This Japanese ceremony is different from other ceremony's for many reasons. One reason Is the text says "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called". Another reason I the text says "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the corona virus time while other people would cancel the ceremony". In conclusion, the Japanese ceremony is different than other one around the world during corona virus.
Corrections:
This Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ceremonies for many reasons.
- I added the word “graduation” to specify the type of ceremony you are talking about. Also, the noun “ceremony” should not be in the possessive form.
One reason for this is that "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called."
- The introduction to the quote sounded a bit clunky. I rephrased the clause to make it flow better. Also, the period at the end of the quote needs to go inside the quotation mark.
The text also states that "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the coronavirus time while other people would cancel the ceremony."
- I reworded the introductory clause before the quote to improve the grammar. Again, I fixed the punctuation at the end of the quote.
In conclusion, the Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ones around the world during the coronavirus.
- I again specified what type of ceremony you are talking about, and rephrased the end half of the sentence to improve the grammar. Also, “coronavirus” should be one word.
Great work! Make sure to use correct punctuation, and read your sentence out loud to help you spot grammar errors.
Final Version:
This Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ceremonies for many reasons. One reason for this is that "they used robots to make it seem like they are at the ceremony because they see it and they get their name called." The text also states that "they used technology to celebrate the ceremony's in the coronavirus time while other people would cancel the ceremony." In conclusion, the Japanese graduation ceremony is different from other ones around the world during the coronavirus.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 14, 2020
There are many reasons to why all Astronaut trainers are not picked to be a real astronaut and be able to go to space. One reason why is there are difficult obstacles that not all the Astronaut trainers can go through. Another reason is there is a limit of how many people can go to space. Therefor, not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and be able to go to space. These are the reasons why not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and go to space.
Original Version:
There are many reasons to why all Astronaut trainers are not picked to be a real astronaut and be able to go to space. One reason why is there are difficult obstacles that not all the Astronaut trainers can go through. Another reason is there is a limit of how many people can go to space. Therefor, not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and be able to go to space. These are the reasons why not all Astronaut trainers are able to be a real Astronaut and go to space.
Corrections:
There are many reasons why not all astronaut trainees are picked to go into space.
- “To” is an unnecessary preposition in this context, so I deleted it. I also edited the sentence to improve the phrasing. Also, it is not the trainers of astronauts who are picked, it is those being trained, so I think using “astronaut trainees” is more accurate.
One reason why there are many difficult obstacles for astronaut trainees, that not all of them make it through.
- I again changed “trainers” to “trainees.” Also, I edited the grammar of the sentence. For example, it should be “there are” not “there is” as the obstacles are plural.
Another reason not all trainees make it is that there’s a limit to how many people can go to space.
- I edited the sentence for clarity and to improve the grammar. The preposition should be “to” instead of “of.”
Therefore, not all astronaut trainees are able to be real astronauts.
- I corrected the spelling of “therefore.” Also, you don’t need to capitalize the word “astronaut” because it’s not a proper noun. The end of the sentence also sounded repetitive, as you ended the last sentence similarly.
In conclusion, not everyone who trains as an astronaut can go into space due to the difficult obstacles they have to go through and the limited number of people who can be selected.
- In your conclusion sentence, restate what the reasons are for the lack of people chosen to be an astronaut. I edited the last sentence to clarify your main points and strengthen your conclusion.
Final Version:
There are many reasons why not all astronaut trainees are picked to go into space. One reason why there are many difficult obstacles for astronaut trainees, that not all of them make it through. Another reason not all trainees make it is that there’s a limit to how many people can go to space. Therefore, not all astronaut trainees are able to be real astronauts. In conclusion, not everyone who trains as an astronaut can go into space due to the difficult obstacles they have to go through and the limited number of people who can be selected.
Great job! Make sure to follow the “RATE” format. Try using quotes to provide evidence for your answers. Also, conclude your main ideas in the last sentence by using phrases like “in conclusion” or “therefore.”
Edited by Hayley Taylor
April 13,2020
The difference between he mayor and the governor is they both have different opinion the mayor wanted the schools to close for the academic year. The governor wanted to still have remote learning. They both had different opinion. They were disagreeing in each others opinion. School Is important to kids and their education.
Original Version:
The difference between the mayor and the governor is they both have different opinion the mayor wanted the schools to close for the academic year. The governor wanted to still have remote learning. They both had different opinion. They were disagreeing in each others opinion. School Is important to kids and their education.
Corrections:
The difference between Mayor Bill de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo is that they both have different opinions. The mayor wants the schools to close for the rest of the academic year.
- Great start! I included the names of the two people to clarify to the reader who you are talking about. I also broke up the sentence into two, as I thought they were two separate thoughts. The edited sentence above also contains a few words changed so it is written in the present tense.
The governor disagrees, as students will have to learn remotely.
- The article states that the governor does not want kids to learn remotely, as it poses many challenges for students. He would rather the schools stay open. To reflect this, I reworded the sentence slightly.
They both have different opinions.
- I changed “had” to “have” as they both currently have different opinions. Also, I deleted the sentence that follows this one, as it sounded repetitive. Before you move onto the conclusion, you should cite evidence by using a quote, in order to back up your statements about their different opinions.
In conclusion, schools and the education of children are important, even during the outbreak of COVID 19.
- To follow the “RACE” format, you need to explain the evidence by using phrases like “in conclusion” or “therefore.” I liked the idea of your conclusion, but it didn’t explain how it connects to your evidence. So, I reworded the conclusion to provide the reader with more clarity.
Great work! Remember to back up your answers with evidence, and to conclude your paragraph by explaining your evidence in the last sentence.
Final Version:
The difference between Mayor Bill de Blasio and Gov. Andrew Cuomo is that they both have different opinions. The mayor wants the schools to close for the rest of the academic year. The governor disagrees, as students will have to learn remotely. They both have different opinions. In conclusion, schools and the education of children are important, even during the outbreak of COVID 19.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
The birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text" birds are anxious to breeding grounds to begin mating." Also according to the text "in spring males have on their plumage to attract mates. These are the reasons why the birds are migrating south and my text evidence to prove my details. birds are usually are migrating a lot in my opinion because different birds are moving different directions in different times this is my reasons why birds move south and my opinion on that.
Thx for editing it!
Original Version:
The birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text" birds are anxious to breeding grounds to begin mating." Also according to the text "in spring males have on their plumage to attract mates. These are the reasons why the birds are migrating south and my text evidence to prove my details. birds are usually are migrating a lot in my opinion because different birds are moving different directions in different times this is my reasons why birds move south and my opinion on that.
Corrections:
Birds are migrating south for many reasons.
- Good! I just eliminated the definite article "the," as you are not talking about a specific type of bird.
According to the text, "birds are anxious to reach their breeding grounds and begin mating."
- Make sure when you use the same words as the text when you are using a direct quote. I added words to complete the quotation. If this was meant to be paraphrased, then exact words are not necessary, but make sure the sentence makes sense if you decide to reword the sentence. Also, make sure to use quotation marks at the beginning and end of the quote.
Also, the text states that "during the spring, the males have on their beautiful plumage to attract mates.”
- This sentence was edited for the same reasons as the previous sentence. I also reworded the beginning, as you used “according to” before. Using a different word will give your paragraph more variation.
The evidence shows why the birds are migrating south. Birds are usually migrating a lot because different birds move in different directions and times.
- Both of these sentences were a bit repetitive, so I reworded them to improve the grammar and make the conclusion more effective.
Great work! Make sure to integrate quotations correctly, and to use a variety of word choice.
Final Version: Birds are migrating south for many reasons. According to the text, "birds are anxious to reach their breeding grounds and begin mating." Also, the text states that "during the spring, the males have on their beautiful plumage to attract mates.” The evidence shows why the birds are migrating south. Birds are usually migrating a lot because different birds move in different directions and times.
Edited by Hayley Taylor
