Rali's Writing page:
Original
According to the stanzas, the donkey is good. The text states, “‘Long might the donkey, Clad in a lion's skin, Have fed on the barley green. But he brayed! And that moment he came to ruin.’” According to the article, “And even while he was yet speaking the donkey became tame and good!” This shows that the stanzas tell us the donkey is good.
Edits
According to the stanzas, the donkey is good.
***Good.
The text states, “‘Long might the donkey, Clad in a lion's skin, Have fed on the barley green. But he brayed! And that moment he came to ruin.’”
***Generally, when quoting a poem (which I assume this is, based on your usage of the word "stanzas"), you should separate the lines of the poem with forward slashes ( / ). This shows the reader where the line breaks of the poem are. I will included an example of what this should look like in my edited sentence, but it may not be entirely accurate to the line breaks in the specific text you are quoting.
Edited sentence: The text states, “‘Long might the donkey, / Clad in a lion's skin, / Have fed on the barley green. / But he brayed! / And that moment he came to ruin.’”
According to the article, “And even while he was yet speaking the donkey became tame and good!”
***The word "article" may not be applicable here, because the text you are quoting from isn't really an article; it's more of a poem, story, or narrative. Any of these words can be easily substituted for the word "article", and it will be more accurate.
Edited sentence: According to the story, "And even while he was yet speaking the donkey became tame and good!"
This shows that the stanzas tell us the donkey is good.
***This is grammatically correct, but it is fairly repetitive of your first sentence. Try to add some extra information to make it slightly different, so that you're still rephrasing and restating like you're supposed to without using exactly the same words.
Edited sentence: This shows that the stanzas tell us the donkey became good after he came to ruin.
Final Edit
***Good work! The main thing that you should keep in mind is that when you are writing about a text that is in a different format than usual, like poetry instead of fiction or fiction instead of articles, the terminology you use and the structure of your quoted text might also need to change to adapt to the new format. Also, make sure that when you are writing your conclusion sentence, you are rephrasing without directly repeating the same words and structure of your first sentence.
Edited paragraph: According to the stanzas, the donkey is good. The text states, “‘Long might the donkey, / Clad in a lion's skin, / Have fed on the barley green. / But he brayed! / And that moment he came to ruin.’” According to the story, "And even while he was yet speaking the donkey became tame and good!" This shows that the stanzas tell us the donkey became good after he came to ruin.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
How the Schippeitaro caught the Cat King was by fastening him with his teeth. The text states, “But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope.” According to the text, “The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping.” This shows that the Schippeitaro caught the Cat King by fastening him with his teeth.
Edits
How the Schippeitaro caught the Cat King was by fastening him with his teeth.
***When you respond to a question or prompt that uses question words like "how", you don't necessarily need to repeat them in your response. If you delete "how the" from this sentence, the meaning is identical and the fluidity is slightly smoother. Alternately, you could replace it with a different phrase that doesn't use a question word, like "the way that".
Edited sentence: The way that Schippeitaro caught the Cat King was by fastening him with his teeth.
The text states, “But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope.”
***Good.
According to the text, “The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping.”
***Good.
This shows that the Schippeitaro caught the Cat King by fastening him with his teeth.
***You can delete "the" in front of "Schippeitaro" because there is no article used for it in the quoted text.
Edited sentence: This shows that Schippeitaro caught the Cat King by fastening him with his teeth.
Final Edit
***Great job! Based on this paragraph, just focus on making sure that you are phrasing a response to the question/prompt in your first sentence, and not just repeating the phrasing of the original question/prompt and deleting the question mark. This means evaluating whether question words like "how" are really necessary in your answer, or if there is a different way you can phrase your response that would be more fluid.
Edited paragraph: The way that Schippeitaro caught the Cat King was by fastening him with his teeth. The text states, “But instead of finding the maiden, Schippeitaro’s teeth were fastened in HIM, and the youth ran up and captured the Cat King with rope.” According to the text, “The other cats were so astonished at the turn things had taken that they forgot to run away, and the young man and Schippeitaro between them captured several more before they thought of escaping.” This shows that Schippeitaro caught the Cat King by fastening him with his teeth.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
How Johnny-cake felt about winning against others was very confident and determined that he would win against everyone he met. The text states, “ Johnny-cake stopped his race for the first time, and went a little closer, and called out in a very loud voice ‘I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, and a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o.’’” According to the text, “Johnny-cake came up close, and leaning towards the fox screamed out: I'VE OUTRUN AN OLD MAN, AND AN OLD WOMAN, AND A LITTLE BOY, AND TWO WELL-DIGGERS, AND TWO DITCH-DIGGERS, AND A BEAR, AND A WOLF, AND I CAN OUTRUN YOU TOO-O-O!’ ‘You can, can you?’ yelped the fox, and he snapped up the Johnny-cake in his sharp teeth in the twinkling of an eye.“ This shows that Johnny-cake felt very confident and determined that he would win against everyone but the fox was clever, tricked Johnny-cake to get closer to him, and caught Johnny-cake.
Edits
How Johnny-cake felt about winning against others was very confident and determined that he would win against everyone he met.
***Good.
The text states, “ Johnny-cake stopped his race for the first time, and went a little closer, and called out in a very loud voice ‘I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, and a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o.’’”
***Delete the extra space between the first quotation mark and "Johnny-cake"; the punctuation should be next to the word it applies to. Add a comma after "voice", because there is dialogue right after it. Also, delete the extra single quotation mark at the end of the sentence; you only need one single and one double.
Edited sentence: The text states, “Johnny-cake stopped his race for the first time, and went a little closer, and called out in a very loud voice, ‘I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, and a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o.’”
According to the text, “Johnny-cake came up close, and leaning towards the fox screamed out: I'VE OUTRUN AN OLD MAN, AND AN OLD WOMAN, AND A LITTLE BOY, AND TWO WELL-DIGGERS, AND TWO DITCH-DIGGERS, AND A BEAR, AND A WOLF, AND I CAN OUTRUN YOU TOO-O-O!’ ‘You can, can you?’ yelped the fox, and he snapped up the Johnny-cake in his sharp teeth in the twinkling of an eye.“
***Add a single quotation mark at the beginning of Johnny-cake's dialogue; otherwise, good.
Edited sentence: According to the text, “Johnny-cake came up close, and leaning towards the fox screamed out: 'I'VE OUTRUN AN OLD MAN, AND AN OLD WOMAN, AND A LITTLE BOY, AND TWO WELL-DIGGERS, AND TWO DITCH-DIGGERS, AND A BEAR, AND A WOLF, AND I CAN OUTRUN YOU TOO-O-O!’ ‘You can, can you?’ yelped the fox, and he snapped up the Johnny-cake in his sharp teeth in the twinkling of an eye.“
This shows that Johnny-cake felt very confident and determined that he would win against everyone but the fox was clever, tricked Johnny-cake to get closer to him, and caught Johnny-cake.
***Good! For fluidity and to avoid extra repetitiveness, switch out the last "Johnny-cake" for the pronoun "him".
Edited sentence: This shows that Johnny-cake felt very confident and determined that he would win against everyone but the fox was clever, tricked Johnny-cake to get closer to him, and caught him.
Final Edit
***Very good! Continue to work on your use of single quotation marks by proofreading to make sure that you didn't accidentally miss one, or add an extra. If you find yourself repeating the same names or nouns often in the same sentence, replace one or two of those instances with a pronoun, as long as it's clear who the pronoun is referring to. This will help the fluidity of your sentences.
Edited paragraph: How Johnny-cake felt about winning against others was very confident and determined that he would win against everyone he met. The text states, “Johnny-cake stopped his race for the first time, and went a little closer, and called out in a very loud voice, ‘I've outrun an old man, and an old woman, and a little boy, and two well-diggers, and two ditch-diggers, and a bear, and a wolf, and I can outrun you too-o-o.’” According to the text, “Johnny-cake came up close, and leaning towards the fox screamed out: 'I'VE OUTRUN AN OLD MAN, AND AN OLD WOMAN, AND A LITTLE BOY, AND TWO WELL-DIGGERS, AND TWO DITCH-DIGGERS, AND A BEAR, AND A WOLF, AND I CAN OUTRUN YOU TOO-O-O!’ ‘You can, can you?’ yelped the fox, and he snapped up the Johnny-cake in his sharp teeth in the twinkling of an eye.“ This shows that Johnny-cake felt very confident and determined that he would win against everyone but the fox was clever, tricked Johnny-cake to get closer to him, and caught him.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
Lazy Jack was able to get rich by marrying a rich man’s daughter. The text states, “Jack was passing with the donkey on his shoulders, with the legs sticking up in the air, and the sight was so comical and strange that she burst out into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing.” The text states, “Her father was overjoyed and fulfilled his promise by marrying her to Lazy Jack, who was thus made a rich gentleman. They lived in a large house, and Jack's mother lived with them in great happiness.” This shows that how Lazy Jack got rich was marrying the rich man’s daughter because Lazy Jack made the rich man’s daughter laugh.
Edits
Lazy Jack was able to get rich by marrying a rich man’s daughter.
***Good.
The text states, “Jack was passing with the donkey on his shoulders, with the legs sticking up in the air, and the sight was so comical and strange that she burst out into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing.”
***Good!
The text states, “Her father was overjoyed and fulfilled his promise by marrying her to Lazy Jack, who was thus made a rich gentleman. They lived in a large house, and Jack's mother lived with them in great happiness.”
***Good! This is all correct, but for variety, try switching out "the text states" for a different phrase, since you already used it in the previous sentence.
Edited sentence: According to the text, “Her father was overjoyed and fulfilled his promise by marrying her to Lazy Jack, who was thus made a rich gentleman. They lived in a large house, and Jack's mother lived with them in great happiness.”
This shows that how Lazy Jack got rich was marrying the rich man’s daughter because Lazy Jack made the rich man’s daughter laugh.
***You need the preposition "by" after the word "was" to illustrate cause-and-effect, and instead of repeating the phrase "rich man's daughter" again in the second part of the sentence, replace it with a pronoun like "her".
Edited sentence: This shows that how Lazy Jack got rich was by marrying the rich man’s daughter because Lazy Jack made her laugh.
Final Edit
***Great job! Overall, just double check your sentences and your paragraph as a whole to see if you're repeating specific phrases more often than you need to; sometimes these can be easily swapped out for a similar (but different) phrase or a pronoun and your writing will be more varied and interesting because of it.
Edited paragraph: Lazy Jack was able to get rich by marrying a rich man’s daughter. The text states, “Jack was passing with the donkey on his shoulders, with the legs sticking up in the air, and the sight was so comical and strange that she burst out into a great fit of laughter, and immediately recovered her speech and hearing.” According to the text, “Her father was overjoyed and fulfilled his promise by marrying her to Lazy Jack, who was thus made a rich gentleman. They lived in a large house, and Jack's mother lived with them in great happiness.” This shows that how Lazy Jack got rich was by marrying the rich man’s daughter because Lazy Jack made her laugh.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
What eventually happened to Piggy-wiggy, Turkey-lurkey, Goosey-poosey, and Ducky-daddles was not telling the king the sky was falling. The text states, “So at last at first Turkey-lurkey went through the dark hole into the cave. He hadn't got far when “Hrumph,” Foxy-woxy grabbed Turkey-lurkey and threw him over his left shoulder. Then Goosey-poosey went in, and “Hrumph,” she was thrown beside Turkey-lurkey, both complaining. Then Ducky-daddles waddled down, and ‘Hrumph,’ grabbed Foxy-woxy, and Ducky-daddle was thrown alongside Turkey-lurkey and Goosey-poosey.” According to the article, “ But Foxy-woxy had made two grabs at Piggy-wiggy, and when the first grab only touched Piggy-wiggy, but didn't catch him, he called out to Henny-penny. So she turned tail and ran back home, so she never told the king the sky was a-falling.” This shows that Piggy-wiggy, Turkey-lurkey, Goosey-poosey, and Ducky-daddles never got to tell the king the sky was falling.
Edits
What eventually happened to Piggy-wiggy, Turkey-lurkey, Goosey-poosey, and Ducky-daddles was not telling the king the sky was falling.
***Good.
The text states, “So at last at first Turkey-lurkey went through the dark hole into the cave. He hadn't got far when “Hrumph,” Foxy-woxy grabbed Turkey-lurkey and threw him over his left shoulder. Then Goosey-poosey went in, and “Hrumph,” she was thrown beside Turkey-lurkey, both complaining. Then Ducky-daddles waddled down, and ‘Hrumph,’ grabbed Foxy-woxy, and Ducky-daddle was thrown alongside Turkey-lurkey and Goosey-poosey.”
***Make sure to put single quotation marks around all of the instances of dialogue inside your cited text. Also, "at last at first" is not grammatically correct and is likely not how this sentence was written in the text, so make sure that you are copying your quotes correctly.
Edited sentence: The text states, “So at last Turkey-lurkey went through the dark hole into the cave. He hadn't got far when 'Hrumph,' Foxy-woxy grabbed Turkey-lurkey and threw him over his left shoulder. Then Goosey-poosey went in, and 'Hrumph,' she was thrown beside Turkey-lurkey, both complaining. Then Ducky-daddles waddled down, and ‘Hrumph,’ grabbed Foxy-woxy, and Ducky-daddle was thrown alongside Turkey-lurkey and Goosey-poosey.”
According to the article, “ But Foxy-woxy had made two grabs at Piggy-wiggy, and when the first grab only touched Piggy-wiggy, but didn't catch him, he called out to Henny-penny. So she turned tail and ran back home, so she never told the king the sky was a-falling.”
***Delete the extra space between the first quotation marks and "but", because the quotation marks should be right next to the word they apply to.
Edited sentence: According to the article, “But Foxy-woxy had made two grabs at Piggy-wiggy, and when the first grab only touched Piggy-wiggy, but didn't catch him, he called out to Henny-penny. So she turned tail and ran back home, so she never told the king the sky was a-falling.”
This shows that Piggy-wiggy, Turkey-lurkey, Goosey-poosey, and Ducky-daddles never got to tell the king the sky was falling.
***Good.
Final Edit
***Good work! Continue to make sure that you are using quotation marks and punctuation correctly. Single quotation marks should go around dialogue that is inside of quoted evidence from the text, and punctuation should not be separated by a space from the word it is punctuating. Also, make sure that you are correctly copying your evidence from the text, and not adding extra words or forgetting punctuation.
Edited paragraph:
What eventually happened to Piggy-wiggy, Turkey-lurkey, Goosey-poosey, and Ducky-daddles was not telling the king the sky was falling. The text states, “So at last Turkey-lurkey went through the dark hole into the cave. He hadn't got far when 'Hrumph,' Foxy-woxy grabbed Turkey-lurkey and threw him over his left shoulder. Then Goosey-poosey went in, and 'Hrumph,' she was thrown beside Turkey-lurkey, both complaining. Then Ducky-daddles waddled down, and ‘Hrumph,’ grabbed Foxy-woxy, and Ducky-daddle was thrown alongside Turkey-lurkey and Goosey-poosey.” According to the article, “But Foxy-woxy had made two grabs at Piggy-wiggy, and when the first grab only touched Piggy-wiggy, but didn't catch him, he called out to Henny-penny. So she turned tail and ran back home, so she never told the king the sky was a-falling.” This shows that Piggy-wiggy, Turkey-lurkey, Goosey-poosey, and Ducky-daddles never got to tell the king the sky was falling.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The mistake that the frogs made was standing on each other and peering over to the other city. The text states, “This idea pleased the Osaka frog so much that he at once jumped up and put his front paws on the shoulders of his friend, who had risen also. There they both stood, stretching themselves as high as they could, and holding each other tightly, so that they might not fall down.” According to the article, “The Kioto frog turned his nose towards Osaka, and the Osaka frog turned his nose towards Kioto; but the foolish things forgot that when they stood up their great eyes lay in the backs of their heads, and that though their noses might point to the places to which they wanted to go their eyes beheld the places from which they had come.” This shows that the foolish mistake that the frogs made was standing on each other and looking over to the city they wanted to travel to but their great eyes are in the back of their heads so they’re only seeing their own city.
Edits
The mistake that the frogs made was standing on each other and peering over to the other city.
***Good!
The text states, “This idea pleased the Osaka frog so much that he at once jumped up and put his front paws on the shoulders of his friend, who had risen also. There they both stood, stretching themselves as high as they could, and holding each other tightly, so that they might not fall down.”
***Good.
According to the article, “The Kioto frog turned his nose towards Osaka, and the Osaka frog turned his nose towards Kioto; but the foolish things forgot that when they stood up their great eyes lay in the backs of their heads, and that though their noses might point to the places to which they wanted to go their eyes beheld the places from which they had come.”
***Good.
This shows that the foolish mistake that the frogs made was standing on each other and looking over to the city they wanted to travel to but their great eyes are in the back of their heads so they’re only seeing their own city.
***Add a comma after "heads" and separate "they're" into "they were", so it's more clear which tense you're using.
Edited sentence: This shows that the foolish mistake that the frogs made was standing on each other and looking over to the city they wanted to travel to but their great eyes are in the back of their heads, so they were only seeing their own city.
Final Edit
***Great job! The only edits I had to make were in the last sentence, and those are mostly to improve the fluidity of your sentence. Good job on restating without repeating; when you do this, make sure the sentences aren't too long, and if they are, see if you can add a comma or two (in grammatically correct places) to increase the fluidity and break up the sentence a bit.
Edited paragraph: The mistake that the frogs made was standing on each other and peering over to the other city. The text states, “This idea pleased the Osaka frog so much that he at once jumped up and put his front paws on the shoulders of his friend, who had risen also. There they both stood, stretching themselves as high as they could, and holding each other tightly, so that they might not fall down.” According to the article, “The Kioto frog turned his nose towards Osaka, and the Osaka frog turned his nose towards Kioto; but the foolish things forgot that when they stood up their great eyes lay in the backs of their heads, and that though their noses might point to the places to which they wanted to go their eyes beheld the places from which they had come.” This shows that the foolish mistake that the frogs made was standing on each other and looking over to the city they wanted to travel to but their great eyes are in the back of their heads, so they were only seeing their own city.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
How I would describe the four-year-old boy is clever or smart. The text states, “ The young wife scolded him, but he said nothing and only sighed. Then they brought him a wooden bowl for a few half-pence, out of which he had to eat.” According to the article, “‘I am making a little trough,’ answered the child, ‘for father and mother to eat out of when I am big.’ The man and his wife looked at each other for a while, and presently began to cry. Then they took the old grandfather to the table, and henceforth always let him eat with them, and likewise said nothing if he did spill a little of anything.“ This shows that clever and smart describe the four-year-old boy because his parents treated his grandfather unfairly by giving him a wooden bowl so he made wooden bowls for his parents for the future.
Edits
How I would describe the four-year-old boy is clever or smart.
***Technically this is grammatically correct, so good! However, you can simplify the structure of this sentence by deleting the word "how" and replacing "is" with "as". This will improve the fluidity of your sentence, and the meaning is the same.
Edited sentence: I would describe the four-year-old boy as clever or smart.
The text states, “ The young wife scolded him, but he said nothing and only sighed. Then they brought him a wooden bowl for a few half-pence, out of which he had to eat.”
***Delete the extra space between the quotation marks and "the young wife...". Remember that punctuation should touch the word that it is punctuating, without a space in between.
Edited sentence: The text states, “The young wife scolded him, but he said nothing and only sighed. Then they brought him a wooden bowl for a few half-pence, out of which he had to eat.”
According to the article, “‘I am making a little trough,’ answered the child, ‘for father and mother to eat out of when I am big.’ The man and his wife looked at each other for a while, and presently began to cry. Then they took the old grandfather to the table, and henceforth always let him eat with them, and likewise said nothing if he did spill a little of anything.“
***Good!
This shows that clever and smart describe the four-year-old boy because his parents treated his grandfather unfairly by giving him a wooden bowl so he made wooden bowls for his parents for the future.
***Good.
Final Edit
***Overall, really great job! Just remember to place punctuation right next to the word/phrase it is modifying. Also, when you are answering a question or a prompt (like you often are in your first sentences), you don't always need to use the exact same structure of the question in your answer. Sometimes using question words like "how" at the beginning of a sentence isn't necessary, and can complicate your sentence fluidity, even if it is grammatically "allowed".
Edited paragraph: I would describe the four-year-old boy as clever or smart. The text states, “The young wife scolded him, but he said nothing and only sighed. Then they brought him a wooden bowl for a few half-pence, out of which he had to eat.” According to the article, “‘I am making a little trough,’ answered the child, ‘for father and mother to eat out of when I am big.’ The man and his wife looked at each other for a while, and presently began to cry. Then they took the old grandfather to the table, and henceforth always let him eat with them, and likewise said nothing if he did spill a little of anything.“ This shows that clever and smart describe the four-year-old boy because his parents treated his grandfather unfairly by giving him a wooden bowl so he made wooden bowls for his parents for the future.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
What the birds did to the bad man was making him feel like there is a connection between the bad man and the birds, sunbeam, and the scent of violets. The text states, “ The bad, chained man looks at him, and a more gentle expression comes into his hard face. In his chest there rises a thought which he himself cannot rightly analyze, but the thought has some connection with the sunbeam, with the bird, and with the scent of violets, which grow luxuriantly in spring at the foot of the wall.“ According to the article, “ The little bird starts, and flies away, the sunbeam gradually vanishes, and again there is darkness in the room and in the heart of that bad man. Still, the sun has shone into that heart, and the twittering of the bird has touched it.” This shows that what the birds did to the bad man was making him feel like there is a connection between the bad man and the birds, sun’s ray,and the scent of the violets that grow in the spring at the foot of the wall.
Edits
What the birds did to the bad man was making him feel like there is a connection between the bad man and the birds, sunbeam, and the scent of violets.
***Change "is" to "was", to keep your verb tenses in this sentence consistent. Also, to avoid unnecessary repetition, replace the second instance of "the bad man" with a pronoun like "himself".
Edited sentence: What the birds did to the bad man was making him feel like there was a connection between himself and the birds, sunbeam, and the scent of violets.
The text states, “ The bad, chained man looks at him, and a more gentle expression comes into his hard face. In his chest there rises a thought which he himself cannot rightly analyze, but the thought has some connection with the sunbeam, with the bird, and with the scent of violets, which grow luxuriantly in spring at the foot of the wall.“
***Delete the extra space after the first quotation marks. Punctuation should always be touching the word or phrase that it's punctuating, without a space separating them. Other than that, good.
Edited sentence: The text states, “The bad, chained man looks at him, and a more gentle expression comes into his hard face. In his chest there rises a thought which he himself cannot rightly analyze, but the thought has some connection with the sunbeam, with the bird, and with the scent of violets, which grow luxuriantly in spring at the foot of the wall.“
According to the article, “ The little bird starts, and flies away, the sunbeam gradually vanishes, and again there is darkness in the room and in the heart of that bad man. Still, the sun has shone into that heart, and the twittering of the bird has touched it.”
***Delete the unnecessary space after the first quotation mark, so that it is touching the clause it is punctuating.
Edited sentence: According to the article, “The little bird starts, and flies away, the sunbeam gradually vanishes, and again there is darkness in the room and in the heart of that bad man. Still, the sun has shone into that heart, and the twittering of the bird has touched it.”
This shows that what the birds did to the bad man was making him feel like there is a connection between the bad man and the birds, sun’s ray,and the scent of the violets that grow in the spring at the foot of the wall.
***Good job adding extra detail at the end to avoid direct repetition with your previous sentences! Like with the first sentence, change "is" to "was", and the second "the bad man" to "himself" to make your sentence more fluid and keep your verb tenses consistent.
Edited sentence: This shows that what the birds did to the bad man was making him feel like there was a connection between himself and the birds, the sun’s ray, and the scent of the violets that grow in the spring at the foot of the wall.
Final Edit
***Good job! Proofread your sentences to make sure that you are using the same verb tenses throughout. Also, quotation marks follow the same rules as other punctuation, in that there should not be a space separating them from the word that they modify. Punctuation should be touching the clause, word, or phrase that it is punctuating.
Edited paragraph: What the birds did to the bad man was making him feel like there was a connection between himself and the birds, sunbeam, and the scent of violets. The text states, “The bad, chained man looks at him, and a more gentle expression comes into his hard face. In his chest there rises a thought which he himself cannot rightly analyze, but the thought has some connection with the sunbeam, with the bird, and with the scent of violets, which grow luxuriantly in spring at the foot of the wall.“ According to the article, “The little bird starts, and flies away, the sunbeam gradually vanishes, and again there is darkness in the room and in the heart of that bad man. Still, the sun has shone into that heart, and the twittering of the bird has touched it.” This shows that what the birds did to the bad man was making him feel like there was a connection between himself and the birds, the sun’s ray, and the scent of the violets that grow in the spring at the foot of the wall.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The reason for sticking up the sausage skewer was so the rats could assemble and stick the sausage skewer up instead of the missing mouse. The text states, “‘Ah, yes, there is always some trouble mixed up with the greatest pleasure, ‘ said the mouse-king; but he gave orders that all mice within a circle of many miles should be invited at once.” According to the article, “They were to assemble in the kitchen, and the three traveled mice were to stand in a row before them, while a sausage skewer, covered in butter, was to be stuck up instead of the missing mouse.” This shows that the reason for sticking up the sausage skewer was so the rats could assemble and stick the sausage skewer up instead of the missing mouse.
Edits
The reason for sticking up the sausage skewer was so the rats could assemble and stick the sausage skewer up instead of the missing mouse.
***This is grammatically correct, but it could be improved by eliminating some repeated words. Replace the second "the sausage skewer" with the pronoun "it"; this will simplify your sentence and make it easier to read.
Edited sentence: The reason for sticking up the sausage skewer was so the rats could assemble and stick it up instead of the missing mouse.
The text states, “‘Ah, yes, there is always some trouble mixed up with the greatest pleasure, ‘ said the mouse-king; but he gave orders that all mice within a circle of many miles should be invited at once.”
***Good job with your quotation marks; just remember that a quotation mark should always be right next to the word it applies to, just like with other punctuation. this means that the second single quotation mark should be right next to the word "pleasure," and not separated by a space.
Edited sentence: The text states, “‘Ah, yes, there is always some trouble mixed up with the greatest pleasure,‘ said the mouse-king; but he gave orders that all mice within a circle of many miles should be invited at once.”
According to the article, “They were to assemble in the kitchen, and the three traveled mice were to stand in a row before them, while a sausage skewer, covered in butter, was to be stuck up instead of the missing mouse.”
***Good.
This shows that the reason for sticking up the sausage skewer was so the rats could assemble and stick the sausage skewer up instead of the missing mouse.
***Once again, to avoid repetition here, try to come up with slightly different wording for this sentence. For instance, deleting just one word - "sausage" - from the second part of your sentence will make your phrases slightly different, easier to read, and the meaning will be the same.
Edited sentence: This shows that the reason for sticking up the sausage skewer was so the rats could assemble and stick the skewer up instead of the missing mouse.
Final Edit
Overall, this is really good! You are improving with your punctuation spacing. Remember that with all punctuation, including quotation marks, the punctuation should be right next to the word it applies to, unless there is another piece of punctuation between them. Also, try to experiment with ways to avoid direct repetition, especially within a single sentence. Sometimes just changing or eliminating one or two words makes a big difference! That way, you are still repeating and rephrasing the same ideas, like you're supposed to, but your actual words are more interesting and varied.
Edited paragraph: The reason for sticking up the sausage skewer was so the rats could assemble and stick it up instead of the missing mouse. The text states, “‘Ah, yes, there is always some trouble mixed up with the greatest pleasure,‘ said the mouse-king; but he gave orders that all mice within a circle of many miles should be invited at once.” According to the article, “They were to assemble in the kitchen, and the three traveled mice were to stand in a row before them, while a sausage skewer, covered in butter, was to be stuck up instead of the missing mouse.” This shows that the reason for sticking up the sausage skewer was so the rats could assemble and stick the skewer up instead of the missing mouse.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The shoemaker feels satisfied with the red shoes. The text states,”How beautiful they were! The shoemaker said also they had been made for the child of a count but had not fitted.” According to the article,”‘That must be patent leather!’ said the old lady. ‘They shine so!’” This shows that the shoemaker feels satisfied with the red shoes.
Edits
The shoemaker feels satisfied with the red shoes.
***Good.
The text states,”How beautiful they were! The shoemaker said also they had been made for the child of a count but had not fitted.”
***Remember to put a space between a comma and a quotation mark that is at the beginning of cited text or dialogue. Also, make sure that you are copying the text correctly - "fitted" should instead be "fit" here, which is the correct past tense conjugation for this definition of the verb "to fit".
Edited sentence: The text states, ”How beautiful they were! The shoemaker said also they had been made for the child of a count but had not fit.”
According to the article,”‘That must be patent leather!’ said the old lady. ‘They shine so!’”
***Great job, especially with your quotation marks!
This shows that the shoemaker feels satisfied with the red shoes.
***Good. In order to avoid exactly copying your first sentence while still being able to accurately restate the main ideas, try changing the phrase "feels satisfied" to a synonym like "is satisfied". This will let you practice your vocabulary more, and you will still be restating your first sentence and the ideas found in the evidence.
Edited sentence: This shows that the shoemaker is satisfied with the red shoes.
Final Edit
***Overall, great job! You are really improving with your punctuation use, especially when it comes to single and double quotation marks. Just make sure to work on spacing commas and quotation marks correctly, and make sure that you are using the correct past tense of a verb for its particular definition.
Edited paragraph:
The shoemaker feels satisfied with the red shoes. The text states, ”How beautiful they were! The shoemaker said also they had been made for the child of a count but had not fit.” According to the article,”‘That must be patent leather!’ said the old lady. ‘They shine so!’” This shows that the shoemaker is satisfied with the red shoes.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The beetle lives his high perched life by lying into damp linen for a whole day and night. The text states,”He saw something gleaming, and he managed to make his way up to it. It was linen that has been laid to bleach on the grass.” According to the article,”He crept into a fold of the damp linen, which certainly was not so comfortable a place to lie in as the warm stable, but there was nothing better, so he remained lying there for a whole day and night, and the rain kept on all the time all alone with his high-mannered self.” This shows that the beetle lives his high perched life by lying into the damp linen for a whole day and night.
Edits
The beetle lives his high perched life by lying into damp linen for a whole day and night.
***"High perched" is a phrase that you intend to use here as a single adjective. To do this, add a hyphen between the two words. Change "into" to just "in".
Edited sentence: The beetle lives his high-perched life by lying in damp linen for a whole day and night.
The text states,”He saw something gleaming, and he managed to make his way up to it. It was linen that has been laid to bleach on the grass.”
***Remember that there should be a space between your first comma and your first quotation marks.
Edited sentence: The text states, ”He saw something gleaming, and he managed to make his way up to it. It was linen that has been laid to bleach on the grass.”
According to the article,”He crept into a fold of the damp linen, which certainly was not so comfortable a place to lie in as the warm stable, but there was nothing better, so he remained lying there for a whole day and night, and the rain kept on all the time all alone with his high-mannered self.”
***Again, add a space here after the first comma.
Edited sentence: According to the article, ”He crept into a fold of the damp linen, which certainly was not so comfortable a place to lie in as the warm stable, but there was nothing better, so he remained lying there for a whole day and night, and the rain kept on all the time all alone with his high-mannered self.”
This shows that the beetle lives his high perched life by lying into the damp linen for a whole day and night.
***This is the same as the first sentence, so the same edits should be applied here.
Edited sentence: This shows that the beetle lives his high-perched life by lying in the damp linen for a whole day and night.
Final Edits
***Overall, good job. Work on making sure you have the correct prepositions (like "into" vs. "in") and the correct adjective forms. Also, there should always be a space between a comma and a quotation mark that starts dialogue or cited text.
Edited paragraph:
The beetle lives his high-perched life by lying in damp linen for a whole day and night. The text states, ”He saw something gleaming, and he managed to make his way up to it. It was linen that has been laid to bleach on the grass.” According to the article, ”He crept into a fold of the damp linen, which certainly was not so comfortable a place to lie in as the warm stable, but there was nothing better, so he remained lying there for a whole day and night, and the rain kept on all the time all alone with his high-mannered self.” This shows that the beetle lives his high-perched life by lying in the damp linen for a whole day and night.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The young lady was interested in seeing Rome. The text states,”I should like to see Rome,‘ she said; ‘it must be a lovely city or so many foreigners would not constantly arriving there.” The text states,”How does the city look when you enter the gate?’ ‘I cannot very well describe it,’ said the sculptor; but you enter on a large open space, in the center of which stands obelisk, which is a thousand years old.” This shows that the young lady was interested with Rome and wants to visit Rome.
Edits
The young lady was interested in seeing Rome.
***Good.
The text states,”I should like to see Rome,‘ she said; ‘it must be a lovely city or so many foreigners would not constantly arriving there.”
***Add a space after your first comma, so that the quotation marks are applied to the correct word. Remember to have a single quotation mark on both sides of the dialogue inside your cited text. This means that at the beginning and end of this sentence, there will be a single quotation mark and a double quotation mark right next to each other. Also, make sure you are copying your cited text properly; the word "be" should be either before or after the word "constantly".
Edited sentence: The text states, ”'I should like to see Rome,‘ she said; ‘it must be a lovely city or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there.'”
The text states,”How does the city look when you enter the gate?’ ‘I cannot very well describe it,’ said the sculptor; but you enter on a large open space, in the center of which stands obelisk, which is a thousand years old.”
***Once again, make sure the single quotation marks are on both sides of the dialogue, and there should be a space between the first comma and the quotation marks. You are missing an article before "obelisk"; make sure you're copying the cited text exactly as its written.
Edited sentence: The text states, ”'How does the city look when you enter the gate?’ ‘I cannot very well describe it,’ said the sculptor; 'but you enter on a large open space, in the center of which stands an obelisk, which is a thousand years old.'”
This shows that the young lady was interested with Rome and wants to visit Rome.
***Instead of repeating Rome twice, say it once and use "it" or "there" for the second time you mention the city. Also, "with" should be replaced with "in".
Edited sentence: This shows that the young lady was interested in Rome and wants to visit there.
Final Edits
***Overall, good job! Continue to work on your punctuation rules, especially when it comes to the spacing around commas, and the placement of single quotation marks at both the beginning and end of dialogue inside your cited text. Also, make sure that you are copying words of the cited text exactly as they are written, and not accidentally dropping small words like "an" and "be".
Edited paragraph:
The young lady was interested in seeing Rome. The text states, ”'I should like to see Rome,‘ she said; ‘it must be a lovely city or so many foreigners would not be constantly arriving there.'” The text states, ”'How does the city look when you enter the gate?’ ‘I cannot very well describe it,’ said the sculptor; 'but you enter on a large open space, in the center of which stands an obelisk, which is a thousand years old.'” This shows that the young lady was interested in Rome and wants to visit there.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
Great Claus took away Little Claus’ horse because he kept on saying that all 5 horses belonged to him when he only owned 1 horse and Great Claus owned the rest of the four. The text states,”You mustn’t say that,” said Great Claus, “for one of them is yours.” According to the text,”I must really beg you not to say that again,’ said Great Claus as he passed; "for if you do, I shall take away your horse and then it will be all over for you." This shows that Great Claus took away Little Claus’ horse because he kept saying that all 5 horses belonged to him when he only owned 1 horse.
Edits
Great Claus took away Little Claus’ horse because he kept on saying that all 5 horses belonged to him when he only owned 1 horse and Great Claus owned the rest of the four.
***When you are writing numbers, remember that numbers under 10 should be fully written out, and numbers 10 and above can be written as numerical digits. Also, instead of saying "the rest of the", say "the other". It will help with your sentence fluidity and keep your writing concise.
Edited sentence: Great Claus took away Little Claus’ horse because he kept on saying that all five horses belonged to him when he only owned one horse and Great Claus owned the other four.
The text states,”You mustn’t say that,” said Great Claus, “for one of them is yours.”
***Remember to use single quotation marks around dialogue that's inside your evidence. Also, remember there should be a space after your first comma, so it is clear which word the quotation marks belong to.
Edited sentence: The text states, ”'You mustn’t say that,' said Great Claus, 'for one of them is yours.'”
According to the text,”I must really beg you not to say that again,’ said Great Claus as he passed; "for if you do, I shall take away your horse and then it will be all over for you."
***I see you used a single quotation mark for the end of the first section of dialogue; make sure that you have a single quotation mark at the beginning and end of each piece of dialogue, and a double quotation mark at the beginning and end of your entire piece of evidence. Also, there should be a space after your first comma.
Edited sentence: According to the text, ”'I must really beg you not to say that again,’ said Great Claus as he passed; 'for if you do, I shall take away your horse and then it will be all over for you.'"
This shows that Great Claus took away Little Claus’ horse because he kept saying that all 5 horses belonged to him when he only owned 1 horse.
***Like with the first sentence, write both of the numbers you have here in letters because they are both numbers under 10.
Edited sentence: This shows that Great Claus took away Little Claus’ horse because he kept saying that all five horses belonged to him when he only owned one horse.
Final Edit
***Overall, good job! Continue to work on the spacing between your commas and your quotation marks, and make sure that you are using the correct type of quotation mark when you have dialogue inside of your quoted evidence. Also, remember that when you have single-digit numbers, they should be fully written out.
Edited paragraph:
Great Claus took away Little Claus’ horse because he kept on saying that all five horses belonged to him when he only owned one horse and Great Claus owned the other four. The text states, ”'You mustn’t say that,' said Great Claus, 'for one of them is yours.'” According to the text, ”'I must really beg you not to say that again,’ said Great Claus as he passed; 'for if you do, I shall take away your horse and then it will be all over for you.'" This shows that Great Claus took away Little Claus’ horse because he kept saying that all five horses belonged to him when he only owned one horse.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The prince knew the princess was a real princess because he put twenty mattresses with a pea under it and the princess felt it. The text states, “She said nothing but went into the bedchamber and took off all the bedding, then laid a pea on the sacking of the bedstead. Having done this, she took twenty mattresses and laid them upon the pea and placed twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.” According to the article,”It was now evident that she was a real princess, since through twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds she had felt that pea. None but a real princess could have such a delicate feeling.” This shows that the prince knew the princess was a real princess because she had felt the pea even though there was twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds.
Edits
The prince knew the princess was a real princess because he put twenty mattresses with a pea under it and the princess felt it.
***Good!
The text states, “She said nothing but went into the bedchamber and took off all the bedding, then laid a pea on the sacking of the bedstead. Having done this, she took twenty mattresses and laid them upon the pea and placed twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.”
***Good.
According to the article,”It was now evident that she was a real princess, since through twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds she had felt that pea. None but a real princess could have such a delicate feeling.”
***Remember that there should be a space after the comma so that it's clear the quotation mark is showing us the beginning of your evidence.
Edited sentence: According to the article, ”It was now evident that she was a real princess, since through twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds she had felt that pea. None but a real princess could have such a delicate feeling.”
This shows that the prince knew the princess was a real princess because she had felt the pea even though there was twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds.
***Remember to make sure that your verb agrees with your subjects. Even though "there was" is a grammatically correct phrase in certain situations, it is not correct here, because "mattresses" and "beds" are the subjects that the verb applies to, and they are both plurals. This means "was" should actually be "were".
Edited sentence: This shows that the prince knew the princess was a real princess because she had felt the pea even though there were twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds.
Final Edit
***Overall, very good! Remember to put a space after the comma that is usually in your introductory phrase, because it should be easy to tell which clause the quotation mark is supposed to belong to. Also, think about your subject-verb agreement carefully, especially when the nouns/subjects that influence the verb come after the verb and not before it, which can make subject-verb agreement more confusing.
Edited paragraph:
The prince knew the princess was a real princess because he put twenty mattresses with a pea under it and the princess felt it. The text states, “She said nothing but went into the bedchamber and took off all the bedding, then laid a pea on the sacking of the bedstead. Having done this, she took twenty mattresses and laid them upon the pea and placed twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.” According to the article, ”It was now evident that she was a real princess, since through twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds she had felt that pea. None but a real princess could have such a delicate feeling.” This shows that the prince knew the princess was a real princess because she had felt the pea even though there were twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The author’s purpose for writing this story is to tell the reader that is better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last. The text states, “With that, the weather-vane broke off and fell into the yard. He did not kill the yard rooster, although the hens said he attended to do so.” In addition,”And what does the moral say? ‘Better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last.” This shows that the author’s purpose of writing this article is to tell the reader that it is better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last.
Edits
The author’s purpose for writing this story is to tell the reader that is better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last.
***Good! Just add "it" before the second "is", after "that", to make sure the second part of your sentence isn't a fragment.
Edited sentence: The author’s purpose for writing this story is to tell the reader that it is better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last.
The text states, “With that, the weather-vane broke off and fell into the yard. He did not kill the yard rooster, although the hens said he attended to do so.”
***Make sure you're copying your cited text correctly from the source. Although I don't have your source as a reference to double-check, I'm pretty sure what you've written as "attended" is supposed to actually be "intended", because it makes more sense in the sentence.
Edited sentence: The text states, “With that, the weather-vane broke off and fell into the yard. He did not kill the yard rooster, although the hens said he intended to do so.”
In addition,”And what does the moral say? ‘Better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last.”
***When you have an introductory phrase like "in addition" followed by a comma and then followed by a quotation mark, remember that there should be a space between the comma and quotation mark and no space between the quotation mark and the first word of the cited text. Also, remember that when you have single quotation marks around dialogue inside of the cited text, there should be one at the beginning and the end, just like double quotation marks. This means there might be a single and a double quotation mark right next to each other in your sentences, which is fine (for this particular purpose).
Edited sentence: In addition, ”And what does the moral say? ‘Better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last.'”
This shows that the author’s purpose of writing this article is to tell the reader that it is better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last.
***Good.
Final Edit
***Overall, good job! Just remember to proofread your cited text to make sure it matches that of the source, and remember to include quotation marks (whether single or double) at both the beginning and end of whatever phrase is inside of them.
Edited paragraph:
The author’s purpose for writing this story is to tell the reader that it is better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last. The text states, “With that, the weather-vane broke off and fell into the yard. He did not kill the yard rooster, although the hens said he intended to do so.” In addition, ”And what does the moral say? ‘Better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last.'” In addition, ”And what does the moral say? ‘Better to crow than be vainglorious and to break down at last.'”
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The mother stork wanted her children to learn how to fly so they could pay a visit to the frogs and eat them. The text states, “You will learn to fly, and then we shall pay a visit to the frogs.” According to the article,”They will bow to us in the water and sing ‘Croak! croak!’ and we shall eat them up, and that will great treat.” This shows that the mother stork wanted her baby storks to learn how to fly so they could pay a visit to the frogs, hear them sing, and then eat the frogs up.
Edits
The mother stork wanted her children to learn how to fly so they could pay a visit to the frogs and eat them.
***Good!
The text states, “You will learn to fly, and then we shall pay a visit to the frogs.”
***Good!
According to the article,”They will bow to us in the water and sing ‘Croak! croak!’ and we shall eat them up, and that will great treat.”
***Remember to include a space after the comma when you have a phrase like "according to the article" before you begin your cited text. Also, remember that when you are citing the text, you should proofread to remember you are copying it correctly. "That will great treat" is not grammatically correct, and I believe that it should be "that will be a great treat" in the text.
Edited sentence: According to the article, ”They will bow to us in the water and sing ‘Croak! croak!’ and we shall eat them up, and that will be a great treat.”
This shows that the mother stork wanted her baby storks to learn how to fly so they could pay a visit to the frogs, hear them sing, and then eat the frogs up.
***Good job including extra details in your conclusion/restating sentence.
Final Edit
***Overall, very good! Just remember to double-check that you are copying cited text correctly, and always leave a space after commas unless they are at the end of a phrase inside quotation marks (like "she said,").
Edited paragraph:
The mother stork wanted her children to learn how to fly so they could pay a visit to the frogs and eat them. The text states, “You will learn to fly, and then we shall pay a visit to the frogs.” According to the article, ”They will bow to us in the water and sing ‘Croak! croak!’ and we shall eat them up, and that will be a great treat.” This shows that the mother stork wanted her baby storks to learn how to fly so they could pay a visit to the frogs, hear them sing, and then eat the frogs up.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
What the sick little girl saw through the window was a little pea that has taken root and putting out it’s green leaves. The text states, “Mother,’ she exclaimed, ‘What can that little green thing be that peeped in at the window? It is moving in the wind.” According to the article,”Oh!’ she said, ‘there is actually a little pea that has taken root and is putting out its green leaves.” This shows that the sick little girl saw a little pea through the window and was curious about what it was. Edits
What the sick little girl saw through the window was a little pea that has taken root and putting out it’s green leaves.
***When you are writing in the past tense, which you are in this sentence, make sure all the verbs are in the past tense! The word "has" should be "had", and "putting out" should have the verb "was" in front of it. Also, "it's" means "it is", and what you mean to have here is the possessive form of this word, which is "its".
Edited sentence: What the sick little girl saw through the window was a little pea that had taken root and was putting out its green leaves.
The text states, “Mother,’ she exclaimed, ‘What can that little green thing be that peeped in at the window? It is moving in the wind.”
***Great job on using single quotation marks for dialogue inside your cited text! Just remember that you need to have the quotation marks at both the beginning and the end of the phrase that's inside of them, so even though it looks weird to write this way, you are allowed to have a double quotation mark and a single one next to each other. Here's an example: "She said, 'Hello!'" Notice how at the end, there is a single quotation mark to end the dialogue, followed by a double quotation mark to end the cited text.
Edited sentence: The text states, “'Mother,’ she exclaimed, ‘What can that little green thing be that peeped in at the window? It is moving in the wind.'”
According to the article,”Oh!’ she said, ‘there is actually a little pea that has taken root and is putting out its green leaves.”
***Remember to have a space after your comma in "according to the article". Also, the notes for the last sentence also apply here; great job on your single quotation marks! Just remember to include them at both the beginning and end of the dialogue, even though it may look strange to have a double and single quotation mark right next to each other.
Edited sentence: According to the article, ”'Oh!’ she said, ‘there is actually a little pea that has taken root and is putting out its green leaves.'”
This shows that the sick little girl saw a little pea through the window and was curious about what it was.
***Good!
Final Edit
***Overall, very good job on this one! I'm happy to see your improvement with quotation marks. Just remember to keep an eye on making sure your verb tenses are consistent, and make sure the quotation marks are at both the beginning and end of the phrase inside of them.
Edited paragraph:
What the sick little girl saw through the window was a little pea that had taken root and was putting out its green leaves. The text states, “'Mother,’ she exclaimed, ‘What can that little green thing be that peeped in at the window? It is moving in the wind.'” According to the article, ”'Oh!’ she said, ‘there is actually a little pea that has taken root and is putting out its green leaves.'” This shows that the sick little girl saw a little pea through the window and was curious about what it was.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
We can tell that the Baron is a not a good person because he took a whip, reversed it in his hands, and pushed with a butt end that the girl fell backwards into ditch. The text states,” She was scarcely more than a child, with a pretty, delicate figure, a gentle expression of face, and two bright blue eyes—all of which the baron took no note of; but he galloped pass, he reversed the whip he held in his hands, and the rough play gave the little goose- watcher such a push with the butt end that she fell backward into the ditch.” According to the article,”Everything is in the right place,” cried he.” This shows that the Baron is not a good person because he took a whip and made a girl fall backwards into the ditch.
Edits
We can tell that the Baron is a not a good person because he took a whip, reversed it in his hands, and pushed with a butt end that the girl fell backwards into ditch.
***This is pretty good! Instead of saying "a butt end", you can say "the butt end", to be more specific, since we already know this is the butt end of the whip. Also, "backwards" is something we say out loud when we are speaking quite often, but technically it isn't grammatically correct, and "backwards" should always be just "backward" in writing. Remember to add an article like "the" or "a" in front of "ditch", because it is a noun. Additionally, there should be some sort of cause-and-effect word before "that the girl fell backward", like "so".
Edited sentence: We can tell that the Baron is a not a good person because he took a whip, reversed it in his hands, and pushed with the butt end so that the girl fell backward into a ditch.
The text states,” She was scarcely more than a child, with a pretty, delicate figure, a gentle expression of face, and two bright blue eyes—all of which the baron took no note of; but he galloped pass, he reversed the whip he held in his hands, and the rough play gave the little goose- watcher such a push with the butt end that she fell backward into the ditch.”
***When you are copying from another source, remember to make sure that you are copying the words correctly. For instance, "pass" should be "past", and "goose- watcher" should not have a space after the hyphen. Also, remember to put the quotation mark next to the word that is part of your cited text, not the word that you are using to introduce the cited text.
Edited sentence: The text states, ”She was scarcely more than a child, with a pretty, delicate figure, a gentle expression of face, and two bright blue eyes—all of which the baron took no note of; but he galloped past, he reversed the whip he held in his hands, and the rough play gave the little goose-watcher such a push with the butt end that she fell backward into the ditch.”
According to the article,”Everything is in the right place,” cried he.
***First, there should be a space between the first comma and your double quotation marks. Second, remember that double quotation marks go around the entire cited text, and single quotation marks should be used around dialogue that is inside of that cited text.
Edited sentence: According to the article, "'Everything is in the right place,' cried he."
This shows that the Baron is not a good person because he took a whip and made a girl fall backwards into the ditch.
***Good job here! Like with the first sentence, just remember that "backwards" should always be "backward".
Edited sentence: This shows that the Baron is not a good person because he took a whip and made a girl fall backward into the ditch.
Final Edit
***Good job! Keep an eye on your use of quotation marks: when you are introducing a cited piece of text, make sure there is a space between the comma of your introductory phrase (like "the article states") and the quotation mark that begins the cited text. Also, remember to use single quotation marks around the times that someone is speaking within your quote from the article.
Edited paragraph:
We can tell that the Baron is a not a good person because he took a whip, reversed it in his hands, and pushed with the butt end so that the girl fell backward into a ditch. The text states, ”She was scarcely more than a child, with a pretty, delicate figure, a gentle expression of face, and two bright blue eyes—all of which the baron took no note of; but he galloped past, he reversed the whip he held in his hands, and the rough play gave the little goose-watcher such a push with the butt end that she fell backward into the ditch.” According to the article, "'Everything is in the right place,' cried he." This shows that the Baron is not a good person because he took a whip and made a girl fall backward into the ditch.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
Ali Baba got into the cave by saying “Open, Sesame!” and “Shut, Sesame!”. The text states, ”Accordingly, he went among the shrubs, and perceiving the door concealed behind them, stood before it and said,” Open, Sesame!” The door instantly flew right open.” In addition,” When he passed in and out as often as he wished, he stood before the door, and the pronouncing the words, “Shut, Sesame!” the door closed of itself.” This shows that Ali Baba got in the cave by saying “ Open, Sesame!” and “ Shut, Sesame!”.
Edits
Ali Baba got into the cave by saying “Open, Sesame!” and “Shut, Sesame!”.
***Good!
The text states, ”Accordingly, he went among the shrubs, and perceiving the door concealed behind them, stood before it and said,” Open, Sesame!” The door instantly flew right open.”
****The quotation marks around "Open, Sesame!" should look like 'Open, Sesame!' instead, because when you have dialogue inside your cited text, it should be in single quotation marks instead of double quotation marks, so that it is easy to tell which one indicates the cited text and which one indicates dialogue. Also, don't forget to put the quotation mark next to the word and not the comma.
Edited sentences: The text states, ”Accordingly, he went among the shrubs, and perceiving the door concealed behind them, stood before it and said, 'Open, Sesame!' The door instantly flew right open.”
In addition,” When he passed in and out as often as he wished, he stood before the door, and the pronouncing the words, “Shut, Sesame!” the door closed of itself.”
***Here, too, the quotation marks should be next to the word beginning your cited text, not next to the comma. A space should come between the comma and the quotation mark. Like with the previous quotation, "Shut, Sesame!" should be 'Shut, Sesame!' instead, because it is dialogue inside of your cited text. I also believe that "the" should be changed to "then"(before the phrase "pronouncing the words") in order for the sentence to make sense.
Edited sentence: In addition, the text says, ”When he passed in and out as often as he wished, he stood before the door, and then pronouncing the words, 'Shut, Sesame!' the door closed of itself.”
This shows that Ali Baba got in the cave by saying “ Open, Sesame!” and “ Shut, Sesame!”.
***There should not be a space between a quotation mark and the word that comes after it. "Open, Sesame!" and "Shut, Sesame!" are the correct ways to write these phrases.
Edited sentence: This shows that Ali Baba got in the cave by saying “Open, Sesame!” and “Shut, Sesame!”.
***Overall, very good! Make sure that you aren't including a space between a quotation mark and the word that comes right after when you are citing text, and when you have dialogue or other quotation marks inside your cited text, replace them with single quotation marks so they look different from what marks the beginning and end of your cited text.
Final Edit
Edited paragraph:
Ali Baba got into the cave by saying “Open, Sesame!” and “Shut, Sesame!”. The text states, ”Accordingly, he went among the shrubs, and perceiving the door concealed behind them, stood before it and said, 'Open, Sesame!' The door instantly flew right open.” In addition, the text says, ”When he passed in and out as often as he wished, he stood before the door, and then pronouncing the words, 'Shut, Sesame!' the door closed of itself.” This shows that Ali Baba got in the cave by saying “Open, Sesame!” and “Shut, Sesame!”.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The fern sang the song because the fern agreed that no one in the world could be happier than the flax but the flax didn’t know the world as well as the fern. The text states, “My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.” According to the article,”Ah, yes, no doubt”, said the fern,” but you do not know the yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty”; and then it sang quite mournfully.” This shows that the fern sang a song because it agreed that no one in the world would be happier than the flax but the flax didn’t know the world as well as the fern.
Edits
The fern sang the song because the fern agreed that no one in the world could be happier than the flax but the flax didn’t know the world as well as the fern.
***When you have a conjunction in your sentence, or a connecting word, like "but", and the two parts of the sentence that it connects would otherwise be complete sentences on their own, make sure to add a comma before the conjunction. Here, a comma should be added before "but".
Edited sentence: The fern sang the song because the fern agreed that no one in the world could be happier than the flax, but the flax didn't know the world as well as the fern.
The text states, “My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I.”
***It would be helpful to add some context here so we know who is speaking this sentence in the text. For instance, add "that the flax said," after "The text states".
Edited sentence: The text states that the flax said, "My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I."
According to the article,”Ah, yes, no doubt”, said the fern,” but you do not know the yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty”; and then it sang quite mournfully.”
***Because the fern and the flax are having a conversation in your cited text, add more context for your second citation, as suggested for the first citation. Also, remember that before your quotation marks, you need to have a space separating them from the comma. Include a space before "Ah," and make sure the quotation marks after fern are next to the word "but" and not the word "fern". When someone is speaking inside a quote, add apostrophes around their speech instead of quotation marks, so that the quotation marks signal the beginning and end of the entire citation. See an example of how that should look in the edited sentence below! It also seems you are missing a word in your citation before the word "yet": is it the word "world"?
Edited sentence: According to the article, the conversation continues with, "'Ah yes, no doubt,' said the fern, 'but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty'; and then it sang quite mournfully."
This shows that the fern sang a song because it agreed that no one in the world would be happier than the flax but the flax didn’t know the world as well as the fern.
***Good! Remember, like in the first sentence, to add a comma before "but".
Edited sentence: This shows that the fern sang a song because it agreed that no one in the world would be happier than the flax, but the flax didn’t know the world as well as the fern.
Final Edit
***Keep an eye on the space between your commas and the quotation marks at the beginning of a citation or quote; there should always be a space there. Also, make sure that there are apostrophes instead of quotation marks when someone is speaking or having a dialogue inside your cited text so that it is clear to the reader which part is spoken conversation and where your citation begins and ends. Good work!
Edited paragraph:
The fern sang the song because the fern agreed that no one in the world could be happier than the flax, but the flax didn't know the world as well as the fern. The text states that the flax said, "My happiness overpowers me; no one in the world can feel happier than I." According to the article, the conversation continues with, "'Ah yes, no doubt,' said the fern, 'but you do not know the world yet as well as I do, for my sticks are knotty'; and then it sang quite mournfully." This shows that the fern sang a song because it agreed that no one in the world would be happier than the flax, but the flax didn’t know the world as well as the fern.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
The main characters of the story were the five and twenty tin soldiers and the Goblin. The text states, ”They were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers, for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon. They all shouldered their bayonets, held themselves upright, and looked straight before them.” In addition,”Next morning, when the children got up, the Tin Soldier was placed on the window sill, and, whether it was the Goblin or the wind, all at once the window flew open and the Tin Soldier fell head foremost from the third story to the street below.” This shows that the main characters of this story were the five and twenty tin soldiers and the Goblin.
Edits
The main characters of the story were the five and twenty tin soldiers and the Goblin.
***Good!
The text states, ”They were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers, for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon. They all shouldered their bayonets, held themselves upright, and looked straight before them.”
***Good citation.
In addition,”Next morning, when the children got up, the Tin Soldier was placed on the window sill, and, whether it was the Goblin or the wind, all at once the window flew open and the Tin Soldier fell head foremost from the third story to the street below.”
***Remember to add a space between a comma and the quotation marks that begin your cited text. To introduce your second main character, the Goblin, in this cited text, follow the phrase "In addition," with something like, "the text introduces the Goblin by stating,".
Edited sentence: In addition, the text introduces the Goblin by stating, "Next morning, when the children got up, the Tin Soldier was placed on the window sill, and, whether it was the Goblin or the wind, all at once the window flew open and the Tin Soldier fell head foremost from the third story to the street below."
This shows that the main characters of this story were the five and twenty tin soldiers and the Goblin.
***Good.
Final Edit
***Good job with this paragraph! Overall, just remember to add an extra space between a comma and the beginning of a citation.
Edited paragraph:
The main characters of the story were the five and twenty tin soldiers and the Goblin. The text states, ”They were once five and twenty tin soldiers. They were brothers, for they had all been made out of the same old tin spoon. They all shouldered their bayonets, held themselves upright, and looked straight before them.” In addition, the text introduces the Goblin by stating, "Next morning, when the children got up, the Tin Soldier was placed on the window sill, and, whether it was the Goblin or the wind, all at once the window flew open and the Tin Soldier fell head foremost from the third story to the street below." This shows that the main characters of this story were the five and twenty tin soldiers and the Goblin.
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
The way treasure was gained was by jumping the highest out of all of the others. The text states, “They made a festival, and invited the whole world and every one else besides who liked to come and see the grand sight. Three famous jumpers they were, as all should say, when they met together in the room.” According to the article,”I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump highest,” said the King; “ it would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and for us to offer no prize.” This shows that the way to gain treasure is to jump the highest out of all of the others
The way treasure was gained was by jumping the highest out of all of the others.
*** This sentence can start with “Treasure was gained by…”
Edited sentence: Treasure was gained by jumping the highest out of all of the others.
The text states, “They made a festival, and invited the whole world and every one else besides who liked to come and see the grand sight. Three famous jumpers they were, as all should say, when they met together in the room.”
*** Good.
According to the article,”I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump highest,” said the King; “ it would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and for us to offer no prize.”
*** Add a space before the first quotation mark. When a character speaks inside of a quote, add a single quotation mark (‘) at the beginning and at the end of what they say.
Edited sentence: According to the article, “‘I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump highest,’ said the King; ‘ it would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and for us to offer no prize.’”
This shows that the way to gain treasure is to jump the highest out of all of the others
*** Add a period at the end of this sentence.
Edited sentence: This shows that the way to gain treasure is to jump the highest out of all of the others.
*** Remember to add a space before the first quotation mark. When a character speaks inside of a quote, add a single quotation mark (‘) at the beginning and at the end of what they say. For example, a single quotation mark would be used around the King’s dialogue: ‘I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump the highest.’ Double quotation marks are placed around the single quotation marks to show that it is from the text: “‘I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump the highest,’ said the King.”
Edited paragraph:
Treasure was gained by jumping the highest out of all of the others. The text states, “They made a festival, and invited the whole world and every one else besides who liked to come and see the grand sight. Three famous jumpers they were, as all should say, when they met together in the room.” According to the article, “‘I will give a great treasure to him who shall jump highest,’ said the King; ‘ it would be too bad for you to have the jumping, and for us to offer no prize.’” This shows that the way to gain treasure is to jump the highest out of all of the others.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Gerda’s trip was a difficult trip because she was pinched by the cold that she couldn’t speak. The text states, “But Gerda was so pinched with the cold that she could not speak.” According to the article,”Oh, you poor things,” said the Lapland woman, ”you have a long way to get. You must travel more than a hundred miles farther, to Finland. The Snow Queen lives there now, and she burns Bengal lights every evening.” This shows that Gerda’s trip was difficult because she was so pinched by the cold that she couldn’t speak.
Gerda’s trip was a difficult trip because she was pinched by the cold that she couldn’t speak.
*** Add “so” before “pinched.”
Edited sentence: Gerda’s trip was a difficult trip because she was so pinched by the cold that she couldn’t speak.
The text states, “But Gerda was so pinched with the cold that she could not speak.”
*** Remove “But.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “Gerda was so pinched with the cold that she could not speak.”
According to the article,”Oh, you poor things,” said the Lapland woman, ”you have a long way to get. You must travel more than a hundred miles farther, to Finland. The Snow Queen lives there now, and she burns Bengal lights every evening.”
*** Add a space after the comma that comes after “article.” Change “get” to “go yet.” When a character speaks inside a quote, add a single quotation mark (') before and after what they say.
Edited sentence: According to the article, “'Oh, you poor things,' said the Lapland woman, 'you have a long way to go yet. You must travel more than a hundred miles farther, to Finland. The Snow Queen lives there now, and she burns Bengal lights every evening.'”
This shows that Gerda’s trip was difficult because she was so pinched by the cold that she couldn’t speak.
*** Good.
Edited paragraph:
Gerda’s trip was a difficult trip because she was so pinched by the cold that she couldn’t speak. The text states, “Gerda was so pinched with the cold that she could not speak.” According to the article, “Oh, you poor things,” said the Lapland woman, “you have a long way to go yet. You must travel more than a hundred miles farther, to Finland. The Snow Queen lives there now, and she burns Bengal lights every evening.” This shows that Gerda’s trip was difficult because she was so pinched by the cold that she couldn’t speak.
Edited by Penny Yagake
In the story, the soapsuds were used for killing and destroying plants. The text states, “The human beings do not like us. They pursue and destroy us with soapsuds.” According to story,”Oh, its a horrid drink! I seem to even smell it now. You cannot think how dreadful it is to be washed when one was not made to to washed. Men! you who look at us with your severe, soapsud eyes, think a moment what our place in nature is: we are born upon the roses, we die in roses— our whole life is a rose poem.” This shows that the soapsuds were used for killing and destroying plants in this story.
In the story, the soapsuds were used for killing and destroying plants.
*** Good.
The text states, “The human beings do not like us. They pursue and destroy us with soapsuds.”
*** The versions of this story that I have seen use the word “murder” instead of “destroy.” Make sure the quote is correct according to the text you are using.
Edited sentence: The text states, “The human beings do not like us. They pursue and murder us with soapsuds.”
According to story,”Oh, its a horrid drink! I seem to even smell it now. You cannot think how dreadful it is to be washed when one was not made to to washed. Men! you who look at us with your severe, soapsud eyes, think a moment what our place in nature is: we are born upon the roses, we die in roses— our whole life is a rose poem.”
*** Add a space before the first quotation mark. Add “the” before “story.” Write out “its” as “it is.” Write “seem to even smell it now” as “seem to smell it even now” as it is in the text. Write “to to washed” as “to be washed.”
Edited sentence: According to the story, “Oh, it is a horrid drink! I seem to smell it even now. You cannot think how dreadful it is to be washed when one was not made to be washed. Men! you who look at us with your severe, soapsud eyes, think a moment what our place in nature is: we are born upon the roses, we die in roses— our whole life is a rose poem.”
This shows that the soapsuds were used for killing and destroying plants in this story.
*** Good.
*** Make sure quotes are written correctly according to the text. In a quote, no words should be changed.
Edited paragraph:
In the story, the soapsuds were used for killing and destroying plants. The text states, “The human beings do not like us. They pursue and murder us with soapsuds.” According to the story, “Oh, it is a horrid drink! I seem to smell it even now. You cannot think how dreadful it is to be washed when one was not made to be washed. Men! you who look at us with your severe, soapsud eyes, think a moment what our place in nature is: we are born upon the roses, we die in roses— our whole life is a rose poem.” This shows that the soapsuds were used for killing and destroying plants in this story.
Edited by Penny Yagake
What made the man a wealthy merchant was a feather from a beautiful swan. The text states,”The feather fell upon the light curly hair of a young man, whose business it was to care for the goods in the ship— the supercargo he was called.” According to the article,”The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead, became a pen in his hand, and bought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant, rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold— rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman’ s shield, on which,” said the Sunshine, ”I shone.” This shows that the man turned to a wealthy merchant because of a feather from a beautiful swan touched the man’s forehead.
What made the man a wealthy merchant was a feather from a beautiful swan.
*** Good.
The text states,”The feather fell upon the light curly hair of a young man, whose business it was to care for the goods in the ship— the supercargo he was called.”
*** Add a space before the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: The text states, “The feather fell upon the light curly hair of a young man, whose business it was to care for the goods in the ship— the supercargo he was called.”
According to the article,”The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead, became a pen in his hand, and bought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant, rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold— rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman’ s shield, on which,” said the Sunshine, ”I shone.”
*** “bought” should be spelled as “brought” in this sentence. When someone speaks within a quote from the text, add single quotation marks (‘) around what they say. Add a space before the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: According to the article, “‘The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead, became a pen in his hand, and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant, rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold— rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman’ s shield, on which,’ said the Sunshine, ‘I shone.’”
This shows that the man turned to a wealthy merchant because of a feather from a beautiful swan touched the man’s forehead.
*** Remove “of.”
Edited sentence: This shows that the man turned to a wealthy merchant because a feather from a beautiful swan touched the man’s forehead.
*** Remember to add a space before the first quotation mark. When someone speaks within a quote from the text, add single quotation marks (‘) around what they say.
Edited paragraph:
What made the man a wealthy merchant was a feather from a beautiful swan. The text states, “The feather fell upon the light curly hair of a young man, whose business it was to care for the goods in the ship— the supercargo he was called.” According to the article, “‘The feather of the bird of fortune touched his forehead, became a pen in his hand, and brought him such luck that he soon became a wealthy merchant, rich enough to have bought for himself spurs of gold— rich enough to change a golden plate into a nobleman’ s shield, on which,’ said the Sunshine, ‘I shone.’” This shows that the man turned to a wealthy merchant because a feather from a beautiful swan touched the man’s forehead.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The burdock was the kindest tree in the story. The text states,”The largest leaf in this country is certainly the burdock. Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost good as an umbrella, it is so broad.” According to the article,”And all this magnificence is food for snails- the great white snails, which grand people say in the olden times use to have dished up as fricassees, and of which, when they had eaten, they would say,” H’m how nice!” for they really fancied them delicious.” This shows that the kindest tree in the country is the burdock.
The burdock was the kindest tree in the story.
*** Good.
The text states,”The largest leaf in this country is certainly the burdock. Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost good as an umbrella, it is so broad.”
*** Add a space after the comma after “states.” Make sure quotes are written exactly as they are in the text — add “green” after “largest.” Add “as” before “good.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock. Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella, it is so broad.”
According to the article,”And all this magnificence is food for snails- the great white snails, which grand people say in the olden times use to have dished up as fricassees, and of which, when they had eaten, they would say,” H’m how nice!” for they really fancied them delicious.”
*** Add a space after the comma after “article.” When a character speaks inside of a quote, add single quotation marks (‘) around what they say. Add a space after the comma after “say.” Make sure quotes are written exactly as they are in the text — remove “say” after “people.” Remove “the” before “olden.” Add a “d” at the end of “use.”
Edited sentence: According to the article, “And all this magnificence is food for snails—the great white snails, which grand people in olden times used to have dished up as fricassees, and of which, when they had eaten, they would say, ‘H’m how nice!’ for they really fancied them delicious.”
This shows that the kindest tree in the country is the burdock.
*** Good.
*** Make sure quotes are written exactly as they are in the text, including all words. In phrases like “According to the article,” add a space after the comma.
Edited paragraph:
The burdock was the kindest tree in the story. The text states, “The largest green leaf in this country is certainly the burdock. Put one in front of your waist, and it is just like an apron; or lay it upon your head, and it is almost as good as an umbrella, it is so broad.” According to the article, “And all this magnificence is food for snails—the great white snails, which grand people in olden times used to have dished up as fricassees, and of which, when they had eaten, they would say, ‘H’m how nice!’ for they really fancied them delicious.” This shows that the kindest tree in the country is the burdock.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The buckwheat and the willow-tree are different because the buckwheat appears blackened and singed as if fire had passed over it when there is a violent thunder storm while the willow tree is a large venerable still tree. The text states,”Very often, after a violent storm, the field of buckwheat appears blackened and singed, as if a flame of fire had passed over it.” According to the article,”It is a large venerable tree, though a little crippled by age.” This shows that the willow tree and the buckwheat are different because the buckwheat appears blackened like a fire has passed over it when there is a violent storm while the willow tree is a large venerable tree that is a little crippled by age.
The buckwheat and the willow-tree are different because the buckwheat appears blackened and singed as if fire had passed over it when there is a violent thunder storm while the willow tree is a large venerable still tree.
*** “thunder storm” should be written as one word. This sentence is a bit long, so I have shortened “as if fire had passed over it” to “as if burnt by fire.”
Edited sentence: The buckwheat and the willow tree are different because the buckwheat appears blackened and singed as if burnt by fire when there is a violent thunderstorm while the willow tree is a large venerable still tree.
The text states,”Very often, after a violent storm, the field of buckwheat appears blackened and singed, as if a flame of fire had passed over it.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Make sure quotes are written exactly as in the text — “storm” should be written as “thunder-storm.” “the field” should be changed to “a field.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “Very often, after a violent thunder-storm, a field of buckwheat appears blackened and singed, as if a flame of fire had passed over it.”
According to the article,”It is a large venerable tree, though a little crippled by age.”
*** Add a space after the first comma.
Edited sentence: According to the article, “It is a large venerable tree, though a little crippled by age.”
This shows that the willow tree and the buckwheat are different because the buckwheat appears blackened like a fire has passed over it when there is a violent storm while the willow tree is a large venerable tree that is a little crippled by age.
*** This sentence is a bit long, so I have shortened “as if fire had passed over it” to “as if burnt by fire.”
Edited sentence: This shows that the willow tree and the buckwheat are different because the buckwheat appears blackened as if burnt by fire when there is a violent storm while the willow tree is a large venerable tree that is a little crippled by age.
*** Add a space after a comma. Make sure quotes are written exactly as in the text.
Edited paragraph:
The buckwheat and the willow tree are different because the buckwheat appears blackened and singed as if burnt by fire when there is a violent thunderstorm while the willow tree is a large venerable still tree. The text states, “Very often, after a violent thunder-storm, a field of buckwheat appears blackened and singed, as if a flame of fire had passed over it.” According to the article, “It is a large venerable tree, though a little crippled by age.” This shows that the willow tree and the buckwheat are different because the buckwheat appears blackened as if burnt by fire when there is a violent storm while the willow tree is a large venerable tree that is a little crippled by age.
Edited by Penny Yagake
To hear about the world of human beings up above was what gave the youngest princess the most pleasure of all things. The text states,” Nothing gave her greater pleasure than to hear about the world of human beings up above; she made her old grandmother to tell her all that she knew about ships and towns, people and animals.” In addition,”But above all of it seemed strangely beautiful to her that up on earth the flowers were scented, for they would not so at the bottom of the sea; also the woods were green, and that the fish were to be seen among the branches could sing so loudly and sweetly that it was a delight to listen to them.” This shows that to hear about the world of human beings up above was what gave the youngest princess the most pleasure of all things.
To hear about the world of human beings up above was what gave the youngest princess the most pleasure of all things.
*** Try not to use the word “thing” since it’s not clear what the “thing” is. Try to name or describe it instead. Or in this case, “things” is not needed.
Edited sentence: To hear about the world of human beings up above was what gave the youngest princess the most pleasure of all.
The text states,” Nothing gave her greater pleasure than to hear about the world of human beings up above; she made her old grandmother to tell her all that she knew about ships and towns, people and animals.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. But remove the space before “Nothing.” Make sure quotes are written correctly according to the text — “to” is not needed after “grandmother.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “Nothing gave her greater pleasure than to hear about the world of human beings up above; she made her old grandmother tell her all that she knew about ships and towns, people and animals.”
In addition,”But above all of it seemed strangely beautiful to her that up on earth the flowers were scented, for they would not so at the bottom of the sea; also the woods were green, and that the fish were to be seen among the branches could sing so loudly and sweetly that it was a delight to listen to them.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Make sure quotes are written correctly according to the text — “above all of it” should be written as “above all it.” Add “the” before “earth.” Change “would not so” to “were not so.” Add “that” before “the woods.” Add “which” after “fish.”
Edited sentence: In addition, “But above all of it seemed strangely beautiful to her that up on the earth the flowers were scented, for they were not so at the bottom of the sea; also that the woods were green, and that the fish which were to be seen among the branches could sing so loudly and sweetly that it was a delight to listen to them.”
This shows that to hear about the world of human beings up above was what gave the youngest princess the most pleasure of all things.
*** Try not to use the word “thing.” Try to name or describe it instead. Or in this case, “things” is not needed.
Edited sentence: This shows that to hear about the world of human beings up above was what gave the youngest princess the most pleasure of all.
*** Make sure quotes are written correctly including all words as they are in the text. Remember to add a space after a comma. But do not add a space after the first quotation mark. Try not to use the word “thing.” Try to name or describe it instead. In some cases, “thing” can be removed from a sentence.
Edited paragraph:
To hear about the world of human beings up above was what gave the youngest princess the most pleasure of all. The text states, “Nothing gave her greater pleasure than to hear about the world of human beings up above; she made her old grandmother tell her all that she knew about ships and towns, people and animals.” In addition, “But above all of it seemed strangely beautiful to her that up on the earth the flowers were scented, for they were not so at the bottom of the sea; also that the woods were green, and that the fish which were to be seen among the branches could sing so loudly and sweetly that it was a delight to listen to them.” This shows that to hear about the world of human beings up above was what gave the youngest princess the most pleasure of all.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The Boston Dynamics’ robots are assisting during the COVID-19 by helping minimize staff’s exposure to COVID-19. The text states,” starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize staff’s exposure to COVID-19,” the company writes in a blog post.” According to the article,” One of the hospitals we spoke to shared that, within a week, a sixth of their staff had contracted COVID-19 and that they were looking into using robots to take more of their staff out of the range of the novel virus.” This shows that robots can help assist during the coronavirus outbreak by helping minimize staff’s exposure to COVID-19.
The Boston Dynamics’ robots are assisting during the COVID-19 by helping minimize staff’s exposure to COVID-19.
*** Remove “The” at the beginning of this sentence. Add “hospital” before “staff’s.” Add “situation” after “during the COVID-19”
Edited sentence: Boston Dynamics’ robots are assisting during the COVID-19 situation by helping minimize hospital staff’s exposure to COVID-19.
The text states,” starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots can help minimize staff’s exposure to COVID-19,” the company writes in a blog post.”
*** Add a space after the first comma, but remove the space before “starting.” Make sure quotes are written exactly as they are in the text — “if our robots can” should be written as “if our robots could.” The word “their” should be added before “staff’s.” When there is another quote inside a quote, place single quotation marks (‘) around the inside quote.
Edited sentence: The text states, “‘Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots could help minimize their staff’s exposure to COVID-19,’ the company writes in a blog post.”
According to the article,” One of the hospitals we spoke to shared that, within a week, a sixth of their staff had contracted COVID-19 and that they were looking into using robots to take more of their staff out of the range of the novel virus.”
*** Add a space after the first comma, but remove the space before “One of.” Make sure quotes are written exactly as they are in the text — “that” should be added before “we spoke.” The word “the” should be removed before “range.”
Edited sentence: According to the article, “One of the hospitals that we spoke to shared that, within a week, a sixth of their staff had contracted COVID-19 and that they were looking into using robots to take more of their staff out of range of the novel virus.”
This shows that robots can help assist during the coronavirus outbreak by helping minimize staff’s exposure to COVID-19.
*** “help” and “assist” have similar meaning, so only one of them needs to be used. Since “helping” is already used later in the sentence, use “assist.” Add “hospital” before “staff’s.”
Edited sentence: This shows that robots can assist during the coronavirus outbreak by helping minimize hospital staff’s exposure to COVID-19.
*** Make sure quotes are written correctly including all words and punctuation as they are in the text. Remember to add a space after a comma. But do not add a space after the first quotation mark. Note where words have been adjusted.
Edited paragraph:
Boston Dynamics’ robots are assisting during the COVID-19 situation by helping minimize hospital staff’s exposure to COVID-19. The text states, “‘Starting in early March, Boston Dynamics started receiving inquiries from hospitals asking if our robots could help minimize their staff’s exposure to COVID-19,’ the company writes in a blog post.” According to the article, “One of the hospitals that we spoke to shared that, within a week, a sixth of their staff had contracted COVID-19 and that they were looking into using robots to take more of their staff out of range of the novel virus.” This shows that robots can assist during the coronavirus outbreak by helping minimize hospital staff’s exposure to COVID-19.
Edited by Penny Yagake
When you are sleeping, your brain washes away harmful waste proteins and repair cells. The text states,” The latest research follows up on a 2013 study which found a dramatic increase in the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) in the brains of rats and baboons during sleep. The fluid helped wash away harmful waste proteins accumulated in their brain cells during the day.” According to the article,” Over the years, researchers have found sleeping allows the body to repair and restore cells, get rid of irrelevant memories, and even help kids grow taller and obtain better grades.” This shows that sleep can be helpful by washing harmful waste proteins and repair cells.
When you are sleeping, your brain washes away harmful waste proteins and repair cells.
*** Add a “s” after “repair.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.
Edited sentence: When a person is sleeping, their brain washes away harmful waste proteins and repairs cells.
The text states,” The latest research follows up on a 2013 study which found a dramatic increase in the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) in the brains of rats and baboons during sleep. The fluid helped wash away harmful waste proteins accumulated in their brain cells during the day.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “The latest.” Make sure quotes are written correctly — this quote is missing a comma after “study.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “The latest research follows up on a 2013 study which found a dramatic increase in the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) in the brains of rats and baboons during sleep. The fluid helped wash away harmful waste proteins accumulated in their brain cells during the day.”
According to the article,” Over the years, researchers have found sleeping allows the body to repair and restore cells, get rid of irrelevant memories, and even help kids grow taller and obtain better grades.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “Over.”
Edited sentence: According to the article, “Over the years, researchers have found sleeping allows the body to repair and restore cells, get rid of irrelevant memories, and even help kids grow taller and obtain better grades.”
This shows that sleep can be helpful by washing harmful waste proteins and repair cells.
*** Add “away” after “washing.” Add “ing” at the end of “repair.” An “ing” is added after “repair” because the sentence is saying that sleep can be helpful by “repairing” cells, just like sleep can be helpful by “washing” away harmful waste proteins. The verbs should match in form.
Edited sentence: This shows that sleep can be helpful by washing away harmful waste proteins and repairing cells.
*** Note where words have been adjusted. Add a space after a comma. But do not add a space after the first quotation mark. Make sure quotes are written correctly including all words and punctuation as they are in the text. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.
Edited paragraph:
When a person is sleeping, their brain washes away harmful waste proteins and repairs cells. The text states, “The latest research follows up on a 2013 study which found a dramatic increase in the flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) in the brains of rats and baboons during sleep. The fluid helped wash away harmful waste proteins accumulated in their brain cells during the day.” According to the article, “Over the years, researchers have found sleeping allows the body to repair and restore cells, get rid of irrelevant memories, and even help kids grow taller and obtain better grades.” This shows that sleep can be helpful by washing away harmful waste proteins and repairing cells.
Edited by Penny Yagake
In order to improve the earth, you can plant new trees and plants. The text states,” Researchers estimate roughly 15 billion trees are cut down each year,
so help offset that loss by planting a tree of your own.” According to the article,” Trees absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen for people to breathe.” This shows that planting trees would help improve our planet, Earth.
In order to improve the earth, you can plant new trees and plants.
*** Capitalize “earth” since it’s the name of a planet. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Here, “you” can be replaced with “people.”
Edited sentence: In order to improve the Earth, people can plant new trees and plants.
The text states,” Researchers estimate roughly 15 billion trees are cut down each year, so help offset that loss by planting a tree of your own.”
*** Make sure quotes are written correctly — this quote is missing “in the world” after “trees.” Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “Researchers.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “Researchers estimate roughly 15 billion trees are cut down each year, so help offset that loss by planting a tree of your own.”
According to the article,” Trees absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen for people to breathe.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “Trees.”
Edited sentence: According to the article, “Trees absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen for people to breathe.”
This shows that planting trees would help improve our planet, Earth.
*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Here, “you” can be replaced with “the.”
Edited sentence: This shows that planting trees would help improve the planet, Earth.
*** Make sure quotes are written correctly including all words and punctuation as they are in the text. Remember to add a space after a comma. But do not add a space after the first quotation mark. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Replace “you” with other pronouns such as “people,” “they,” “a person” or, depending on the article, use names of people.
Edited paragraph:
In order to improve the Earth, people can plant new trees and plants. The text states, “Researchers estimate roughly 15 billion trees are cut down each year, so help offset that loss by planting a tree of your own.” According to the article, “Trees absorb carbon dioxide and release oxygen for people to breathe.” This shows that planting trees would help improve the planet, Earth.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The boys are helping seniors by shopping and delivering fresh foods during the coronavirus outbreak. The text states,” Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found Teens Helping Seniors. Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries.” According to the article,” In this service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible.” This shows that the boys are helping seniors by shopping and delivering fresh products during the coronavirus outbreak.
The boys are helping seniors by shopping and delivering fresh foods during the coronavirus outbreak.
*** Good.
The text states,” Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found Teens Helping Seniors. Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “Concerned.” Make sure quotes are written correctly — this quote was missing the word “home” after “bringing it.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it home to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found Teens Helping Seniors. Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries.”
According to the article,” In this service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “In.” Make sure quotes are written correctly — the text states “In the service project.”
Edited sentence: According to the article, “In the service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible.”
This shows that the boys are helping seniors by shopping and delivering fresh products during the coronavirus outbreak.
*** Good.
*** Make sure quotes are written correctly including all words and punctuation as they are in the text. Remember to add a space after a comma. But do not add a space after the first quotation mark.
Edited paragraph:
The boys are helping seniors by shopping and delivering fresh foods during the coronavirus outbreak. The text states, “Concerned about contracting COVID-19 and bringing it to his grandson, Kraft was yearning for some fresh food to be delivered, and he found Teens Helping Seniors. Soon, Matthew Casertano and Dhruv Pai showed up at his door with a bag full of groceries.” According to the article, “In this service project, teen volunteers maintain the proper social distance from the people they serve, and show meticulous care while shopping and delivering. They wear gloves while shopping, wipe down bags they are delivering, and offer curbside pickup when possible.” This shows that the boys are helping seniors by shopping and delivering fresh products during the coronavirus outbreak.
Edited by Penny Yagake
One way people can celebrate Earth Day is by singing an Earth Day song and posting it on Twitter. The text states,” In California’s Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with “The Earth Day Sing Out”. According to the text,” Community members are encouraged to record themselves sing one of the 30 songs suggested, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020.” This shows that one way people celebrate Earth Day in 2020 is by singing an Earth Day song and posting it on Twitter.
One way people can celebrate Earth Day is by singing an Earth Day song and posting it on Twitter.
*** Good.
The text states,” In California’s Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with “The Earth Day Sing Out”.
*** When there is another quote inside of a quote, place single quotation marks (‘) around the inside quote. Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “In California’s Davis.” Place the period before the quotation marks at the end.
Edited sentence: The text states, “In California’s Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with ‘The Earth Day Sing Out.’”
According to the text,” Community members are encouraged to record themselves sing one of the 30 songs suggested, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020.”
*** When quoting, make sure the information from the article is correct. For, example, this quote should say “record themselves singing” and “30 suggested songs.” Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “Community members.”
Edited sentence: According to the text, “Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the 30 suggested songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020.”
This shows that one way people celebrate Earth Day in 2020 is by singing an Earth Day song and posting it on Twitter.
*** Good.
*** When quoting, make sure the information from the article is correct, including all words and punctuation. Make sure there is a space after a comma. But do not put a space after the first quotation mark at the beginning of a quote.
Edited paragraph:
One way people can celebrate Earth Day is by singing an Earth Day song and posting it on Twitter. The text states, “In California’s Davis, Yolo, Solano, and Sacramento counties, residents will celebrate the movement with ‘The Earth Day Sing Out.’” According to the text, “Community members are encouraged to record themselves singing one of the 30 suggested songs, or an Earth Day song of their choice, and post a short video on Twitter with the hashtags #earthdaysingoutdavis, #earthdaysingout, and #earthday2020.” This shows that one way people celebrate Earth Day in 2020 is by singing an Earth Day song and posting it on Twitter.
Edited by Penny Yagake
One accomplishment William achieved was ending childhood hunger. The text states,” Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission too.” According to the article,” There he talked shoppers into buying food- 1,400 pounds worth- to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break.” This shows that one of William’s accomplishments were ending childhood hunger.
One accomplishment William achieved was ending childhood hunger.
*** Change “ending” to “helping to end.”
Edited sentence: One accomplishment William achieved was helping to end childhood hunger.
The text states,” Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission too.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “Seven.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission too.”
According to the article,” There he talked shoppers into buying food- 1,400 pounds worth- to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “There.”
Edited sentence: According to the article, “There he talked shoppers into buying food—1,400 pounds worth—to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break.”
This shows that one of William’s accomplishments were ending childhood hunger.
*** Since the subject “one of William’s accomplishments” is singular, it should be paired with a singular verb. Therefore, change “were” to “was.” Change “ending” to “helping to end.”
Edited sentence: This shows that one of William’s accomplishments was helping to end childhood hunger.
*** Remember to add a space after a comma. But do not add a space after the first quotation mark at the beginning of a quote.
Edited paragraph:
One accomplishment William achieved was helping to end childhood hunger. The text states, “Seven years later, he’s collected more than 55,000 pounds of food, raised $63,000 and been recognized as a Prudential Spirit of Community honoree. He’s expanded his mission too.” According to the article, “There he talked shoppers into buying food—1,400 pounds worth—to send home in backpacks with kids during spring break.” This shows that one of William’s accomplishments was helping to end childhood hunger.
Edited by Penny Yagake
This graduation ceremony was different from other graduation ceremonies because this ceremony is an online ceremony with robots dressed in graduation caps and gowns. The text states,” The event which was held at Tokyo’s Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony.” According to the article,” Each time a student’s name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated “Newme”
avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president.” This shows that the graduation ceremony was different from the rest because this one has robots dressed up and it’s an online ceremony.
This graduation ceremony was different from other graduation ceremonies because this ceremony is an online ceremony with robots dressed in graduation caps and gowns.
*** Since this graduation ceremony occurred in the past, replace “is” with “was.”
Edited sentence: This graduation ceremony was different from other graduation ceremonies because this ceremony was an online ceremony with robots dressed in graduation caps and gowns.
The text states,” The event which was held at Tokyo’s Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “The event.” When using quotes, make sure the information from the article is written correctly. Here, according to the article, a comma is missing after “The event” and “started” is missing before “with university president.” Also, “speech” is missing after “commencement.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “The event, which was held at Tokyo’s Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony.”
According to the article,” Each time a student’s name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated “Newme” avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. Remove the space before “Each time.”
Edited sentence: According to the article, “Each time a student’s name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated “Newme” avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president.”
This shows that the graduation ceremony was different from the rest because this one has robots dressed up and it’s an online ceremony.
*** Since this graduation ceremony occurred in the past, use past tense. Change “has” to “had” and “it’s” to “it was.”
Edited sentence: This shows that the graduation ceremony was different from the rest because this one had robots dressed up and it was an online ceremony.
*** When using quotes, make sure the information from the article is written correctly, including all words and punctuation. Make sure the tense of each sentence is consistent according to when events in the article occur. For example, since the graduation ceremony occurred in the past, the verbs referring to it should be in past tense.
Edited paragraph:
This graduation ceremony was different from other graduation ceremonies because this ceremony was an online ceremony with robots dressed in graduation caps and gowns. The text states, “The event, which was held at Tokyo’s Hotel Grand Palace on March 28, 2020, started with university president Kenichi Omae delivering an uplifting commencement speech to the students attending via video-conferencing platform Zoom. Then began the virtual graduation ceremony.” According to the article, “Each time a student’s name was called out by a moderator, one of the two remotely operated “Newme” avatar robots, dressed in graduation caps and gowns, motored to the podium to accept the diploma from the president.” This shows that the graduation ceremony was different from the rest because this one had robots dressed up and it was an online ceremony.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Not all people who enter the program become astronauts because there are many difficult parts to astronaut training and the candidates must complete each challenge. The text states,” Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut.” According to the article,” There are many challenging parts to astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.” This shows that since there are many difficult parts to astronaut training and that you must complete them, not everyone in the program is certain in becoming an astronaut.
Not all people who enter the program become astronauts because there are many difficult parts to astronaut training and the candidates must complete each challenge.
*** For consistency, change “parts to” to “challenges in.”
Edited sentence: Not all people who enter the program become astronauts because there are many difficult challenges in astronaut training and the candidates must complete each challenge.
The text states,” Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. But remove the space before “Not.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut.”
According to the article,” There are many challenging parts to astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. But remove the space before “There.”
Edited sentence: According to the article, “There are many challenging parts to astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.”
This shows that since there are many difficult parts to astronaut training and that you must complete them, not everyone in the program is certain in becoming an astronaut.
*** Remove “that” before “you.” Change “becoming” to “become.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Here, change “you” to “candidates.”
Edited sentence: This shows that since there are many difficult parts to astronaut training and candidates must complete them, not everyone in the program is certain to become an astronaut.
*** Remember to add a space after a comma. But do not add a space after the first quotation mark at the beginning of a sentence. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only.
Edited paragraph:
Not all people who enter the program become astronauts because there are many difficult challenges in astronaut training and the candidates must complete each challenge. The text states, “Not everyone who is accepted into the program is certain to become an astronaut.” According to the article, “There are many challenging parts to astronaut training, and the candidates must successfully complete them all.” This shows that since there are many difficult parts to astronaut training and candidates must complete them, not everyone in the program is certain to become an astronaut.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The difference of opinion of the mayor and governor is deciding when school should be opened. The text states,” New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been cancelled to curb the coronavirus pandemic.” According to the article,” Hours later, Gov.Andrew Coumo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, scheduled the end of the school year.” This shows that both the mayor and governor are disagreeing with each other on when the school will be opened.
The difference of opinion of the mayor and governor is deciding when school should be opened.
*** You can replace the second “of” with “between.” Add “the” before “governor.” Since school was open before the coronavirus situation, add “re” before “opened.”
Edited sentence: The difference of opinion between the mayor and the governor is deciding when school should be reopened.
The text states,” New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been cancelled to curb the coronavirus pandemic.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. But remove the space before “New York.”
Edited sentence: The text states, “New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic.”
According to the article,” Hours later, Gov.Andrew Coumo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, scheduled the end of the school year.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. But remove the space before “Hours later.” Make sure quotes are written exactly according to the source — there should be a space after “Gov.” and “scheduled the” should be written as “the scheduled.” Also make sure names are written correctly — “Coumo” should be written as “Cuomo.”
Edited sentence: According to the article, “Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year.”
This shows that both the mayor and governor are disagreeing with each other on when the school will be opened.
*** Since they are disagreeing, remove “both.” Add “the” before “governor.” Add “re” before “opened.” Remove “the” before “school.”
Edited sentence: This shows that the mayor and the governor are disagreeing with each other on when school will be reopened.
*** Make sure quotes are written exactly according to the source and make sure names are written correctly. Remember to add a space after a comma, but do not add a space after the first quotation mark at the beginning of a quote.
Edited paragraph:
The difference of opinion between the mayor and the governor is deciding when school should be reopened. The text states, “New York City school buildings will not reopen this academic year, Mayor Bill de Blasio announced Saturday, a decision that would add the nation’s largest school system to the long list of districts where in-person instruction has been canceled to curb the coronavirus pandemic.” According to the article, “Hours later, Gov. Andrew Cuomo said the mayor had been premature in saying the city’s more than 1 million public school students would continue to learn remotely at least through June 26, the scheduled end of the school year.” This shows that the mayor and the governor are disagreeing with each other on when school will be reopened.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The main reason birds are migrating south is that when it is fall here, it gets cold and it will be hard to get food in the cold weather so they go south, where it is warmer. The story states,” Right now, dozens of species of birds have left their winter homes in the south.” According to the story,” During the fall, for the timespan is much broader, since birds typically start leaving when the temperature drops and there’s a lack of food,” says Guida.” This shows that since the temperature gets cold, the birds migrate to the opposite hemisphere so they can find food and have warm weather.
The main reason birds are migrating south is that when it is fall here, it gets cold and it will be hard to get food in the cold weather so they go south, where it is warmer.
*** Change “will be” to “is.” Remove the last comma.
Edited sentence: The main reason birds are migrating south is that when it is fall here, it gets cold and it is hard to get food in the cold weather so they go south where it is warmer.
The story states,” Right now, dozens of species of birds have left their winter homes in the south.”
*** Add a space after the comma. But remove the space before “Right.”
Edited sentence: The story states, “Right now, dozens of species of birds have left their winter homes in the south.”
According to the story,” During the fall, for the timespan is much broader, since birds typically start leaving when the temperature drops and there’s a lack of food,” says Guida.”
*** Add a space after the comma. But remove the space before “During.” When a person speaks inside of a quote, place single quotation marks (‘) around what they say. If this quote is from this article, https://www.smithsonianmag.com/travel/best-places-america-see-spring-migration-180958494/, make sure the quote is written exactly as is stated in the article — keep the wording the same.
Edited sentence: According to the story, “‘During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there’s a lack of food,’ says Guida.”
This shows that since the temperature gets cold, the birds migrate to the opposite hemisphere so they can find food and have warm weather.
*** Good.
*** Make sure the quote is written exactly as is stated in the article — keep the wording the same. Remember to add a space after a comma. No space is needed after the first quotation mark. When a person speaks inside of a quote, place single quotation marks (‘) around what they say.
Edited paragraph:
The main reason birds are migrating south is that when it is fall here, it gets cold and it is hard to get food in the cold weather so they go south where it is warmer. The story states, “Right now, dozens of species of birds have left their winter homes in the south.” According to the story, “‘During the fall, the timespan for migration is much broader, since birds typically start leaving once the temperature drops and there’s a lack of food,’ says Guida.” This shows that since the temperature gets cold, the birds migrate to the opposite hemisphere so they can find food and have warm weather.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The main idea of the passage Animals Play around While People Stay Inside is that there are videos of animals playing around while we are stuck at home so we can be entertained by watching those videos. The story states,” An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth’s other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely.” According to the story,” Though the animals indeed appear to be having a good time, the heartwarming videos and images shared on social media, are also bringing much needed cheer to millions of humans worldwide.” This shows that while we are at home, animals play around and the videos can bring cheer to us by watching them play.
The main idea of the passage Animals Play around While People Stay Inside is that there are videos of animals playing around while we are stuck at home so we can be entertained by watching those videos.
*** Use quotation marks around the title of the passage. Avoid first person point of view (“we”) and use third person point of view only. Here, “we” can be replaced by “people.”
Edited sentence: The main idea of the passage “Animals Play Around While People Stay Inside” is that there are videos of animals playing around while people are stuck at home so people can be entertained by watching those videos.
The story states,” An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth’s other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely.”
*** Add a space after the comma, but remove the space before “An.”
Edited sentence: The story states, “An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth’s other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely.”
According to the story,” Though the animals indeed appear to be having a good time, the heartwarming videos and images shared on social media, are also bringing much needed cheer to millions of humans worldwide.”
*** Add a space after the comma, but remove the space before “Though.”
Edited sentence: According to the story, “Though the animals indeed appear to be having a good time, the heartwarming videos and images shared on social media, are also bringing much needed cheer to millions of humans worldwide.”
This shows that while we are at home, animals play around and the videos can bring cheer to us by watching them play.
*** Add “of them” after “videos.” Avoid first person point of view (“we” and “us”) and use third person point of view only. Here, “we” and “us” can be replaced by “people.”
Edited sentence: This shows that while people are at home, animals play around and the videos of them can bring cheer to people by watching them play.
*** Remember to add a space after a comma (,). However, do not add a space after the first quotation mark (“). Avoid first person point of view (“we” and “us”) and use third person point of view only.
Edited paragraph:
The main idea of the passage “Animals Play around While People Stay Inside” is that there are videos of animals playing around while people are stuck at home so people can be entertained by watching those videos. The story states, “An unexpected positive point during these hard times for humans is that many of the Earth’s other life forms are finally getting a chance to leave their normal habitats and roam freely.” According to the story, “Though the animals indeed appear to be having a good time, the heartwarming videos and images shared on social media, are also bringing much needed cheer to millions of humans worldwide.” This shows that while people are at home, animals play around and the videos of them can bring cheer to people by watching them play.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The positive reason for practicing social distancing is so there are chances that you won’t catch a virus. According to the text,”Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the chances of that.” In addition,”She said that social distancing is the response to the idea that many people can’t stay home all the time, even during a disease outbreak.” This shows that one positive reason for practicing social distancing is so there are chances you won’t catch a virus.
The positive reason for practicing social distancing is so there are chances that you won’t catch a virus.
*** Since the article is specifically about the coronavirus, you can use “the coronavirus” instead of “a virus.” Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Here, “you” can be replaced with “people.” Change “The” to “One.”
Edited sentence: One positive reason for practicing social distancing is so there are chances that people won’t catch the coronavirus.
According to the text,”Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the chances of that.”
*** Add a space after the first comma.
Edited sentence: According to the text, “Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the chances of that.”
In addition,”She said that social distancing is the response to the idea that many people can’t stay home all the time, even during a disease outbreak.”
*** Add a space after the first comma. If this quote is from this article, https://www.timeforkids.com/g56/social-distancing-2/, make sure to write the quote exactly as stated in the article — keep the wording the same.
Edited sentence: In addition, “She says social distancing is a response to the idea that many people can’t stay home all the time, even during a disease outbreak.”
This shows that one positive reason for practicing social distancing is so there are chances you won’t catch a virus.
*** Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Here, “you” can be replaced with “people.”
Edited sentence: This shows that one positive reason for practicing social distancing is so there are chances people won’t catch the virus.
*** Remember to add a space after commas. Avoid second person point of view (“you”) and use third person point of view only. Make sure to write the quote exactly as stated in the article — keep the wording the same.
Edited paragraph:
One positive reason for practicing social distancing is so there are chances that people won’t catch the coronavirus. According to the text, “Even standing six feet apart from one another, people can spread the virus through droplets from coughs and sneezes. Social distancing limits the chances of that.” In addition, “She says social distancing is a response to the idea that many people can’t stay home all the time, even during a disease outbreak.” This shows that one positive reason for practicing social distancing is so there are chances people won’t catch the virus.
Edited by Penny Yagake
JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children because it will entertain children and adults while they are on lockdown. According to the text,”Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we’re on lockdown might need a bit of magic,”Rowling said as she announced the launch.” In addition,”For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all- - for readers and fans, young and old,” the website organizers added in a post introducing the platform.” This shows why JK Rowling thinks that the webpage will help children because it will entertain them while they are on lockdown.
JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children because it will entertain children and adults while they are on lockdown.
*** Good.
According to the text,”Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we’re on lockdown might need a bit of magic,”Rowling said as she announced the launch.”
*** Add a space before the first quotation mark. When a person speaks inside of a quote, put single quotation marks (‘) around what they say.
Edited sentence: According to the text, “‘Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we’re on lockdown might need a bit of magic,’ Rowling said as she announced the launch.”
In addition,”For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all- - for readers and fans, young and old,” the website organizers added in a post introducing the platform.”
*** Add a space before the first quotation mark. When a person speaks inside of a quote, put single quotation marks (‘) around what they say.
Edited sentence: In addition, “‘For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old,’ the website organizers added in a post introducing the platform.”
This shows why JK Rowling thinks that the webpage will help children because it will entertain them while they are on lockdown.
*** Good.
*** Remember to add a space before the first quotation mark. When a person speaks inside of a quote, put single quotation marks (‘) around what they say.
Edited paragraph:
JK Rowling thinks her new webpage will help children because it will entertain children and adults while they are on lockdown. According to the text, “‘Parents, teachers, and carers working to keep children amused and interested while we’re on lockdown might need a bit of magic,’ Rowling said as she announced the launch.” In addition, “‘For over twenty years now, Hogwarts has been an escape for all -- for readers and fans, young and old,’ the website organizers added in a post introducing the platform.” This shows why JK Rowling thinks that the webpage will help children because it will entertain them while they are on lockdown.
Edited by Penny Yagake
The reason 2020 Summer Olympic Games will we postponed in Japan is because of the coronavirus pandemic. According to the text,”The 2020 Summer Olympic Games, in Tokyo, Japan, will be postponed for about a year. This is because of the coronavirus pandemic.” In addition,”The IOC said that keeping the Olympic flame burning until 2021 could help heal the world from the pandemic.” This shows that the reason 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed because of the coronavirus.
The reason 2020 Summer Olympic Games will we postponed in Japan is because of the coronavirus pandemic.
*** Add “the” after “reason.” Change “we” to “be.”
Edited sentence: The reason the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed in Japan is because of the coronavirus pandemic.
According to the text,”The 2020 Summer Olympic Games, in Tokyo, Japan, will be postponed for about a year. This is because of the coronavirus pandemic.”
*** Add a space after the first comma, before the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: According to the text, ”The 2020 Summer Olympic Games, in Tokyo, Japan, will be postponed for about a year. This is because of the coronavirus pandemic.”
In addition,”The IOC said that keeping the Olympic flame burning until 2021 could help heal the world from the pandemic.”
*** Add a space after the first comma, before the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: In addition, ”The IOC said that keeping the Olympic flame burning until 2021 could help heal the world from the pandemic.”
This shows that the reason 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed because of the coronavirus.
*** Add “the” before “2020.” Add “is” before “because.”
Edited sentence: This shows that the reason the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed is because of the coronavirus.
*** Remember to add a space before the first quotation mark.
Edited paragraph:
The reason the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed in Japan is because of the coronavirus pandemic. According to the text, ”The 2020 Summer Olympic Games, in Tokyo, Japan, will be postponed for about a year. This is because of the coronavirus pandemic.” In addition, ”The IOC said that keeping the Olympic flame burning until 2021 could help heal the world from the pandemic.” This shows that the reason the 2020 Summer Olympic Games will be postponed is because of the coronavirus.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Two indoor activities that seem the most fun are Lego kits and board or card games. According to the text,”Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending and other money management concepts.” In addition,”Fine motor skills, creativity, problem-solving and cause-and-effect concepts are just some lessons kids learn with Legos.” This shows that two fun indoor activities that are fun and educational are Lego kits or board or card games.
Two indoor activities that seem the most fun are Lego kits and board or card games.
*** Good.
According to the text,”Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending and other money management concepts.”
*** Add a space after the first comma, before the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: According to the text, “Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending and other money management concepts.”
In addition,”Fine motor skills, creativity, problem-solving and cause-and-effect concepts are just some lessons kids learn with Legos.”
*** Add a space after the first comma, before the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: In addition, ”Fine motor skills, creativity, problem-solving and cause-and-effect concepts are just some lessons kids learn with Legos.”
This shows that two fun indoor activities that are fun and educational are Lego kits or board or card games.
*** The first “fun” can be removed since the sentence later states “fun and educational.” Change the first “or” to “and.”
Edited sentence: This shows that two indoor activities that are fun and educational are Lego kits and board or card games.
*** Remember to add a space before the first quotation mark.
Edited paragraph:
Two indoor activities that seem the most fun are Lego kits and board or card games. According to the text, “Monopoly or Monopoly Junior are fun ways to practice math skills, while also teaching kids ideas such as saving, spending and other money management concepts.” In addition, ”Fine motor skills, creativity, problem-solving and cause-and-effect concepts are just some lessons kids learn with Legos.” This shows that two indoor activities that are fun and educational are Lego kits and board or card games.
Edited by Penny Yagake
Parents can be teachers to children during the time when students stay home because of Coronavirus by homeschooling or teaching them skills.According to the text,”Since the students are at home , they can learn many other things such as sewing,preparing food,cooking,preparing clothes,fixing area of the house that need work on them,and so much more.” In addition,”Since the very first day of life, parents have been everything to their children and most importantly, they are also the most important teachers. Whatever the parents do, the children copy.” This shows that parents can be teachers by homeschooling or teaching them skills at a time where school closes because of Coronavirus.
Parents can be teachers to children during the time when students stay home because of Coronavirus by homeschooling or teaching them skills.
*** “Coronavirus” does not need to be capitalized. Add a space after the period.
Edited sentence: Parents can be teachers to children during the time when students stay home because of coronavirus by homeschooling or teaching them skills.
According to the text,”Since the students are at home , they can learn many other things such as sewing,preparing food,cooking,preparing clothes,fixing area of the house that need work on them,and so much more.”
*** Add a space after each comma. Add a “s” at the end of “area.” Remember to write quotes exactly as they are stated in the text.
Edited sentence: According to the text, “Since the students are at home, they can learn many other things such as sewing, preparing food, cooking, preparing clothes, fixing areas of the house that need work on them, and so much more.”
In addition,”Since the very first day of life, parents have been everything to their children and most importantly, they are also the most important teachers. Whatever the parents do, the children copy.”
*** Add a space after the first comma.
Edited sentence: In addition, ”Since the very first day of life, parents have been everything to their children and most importantly, they are also the most important teachers. Whatever the parents do, the children copy.”
This shows that parents can be teachers by homeschooling or teaching them skills at a time where school closes because of Coronavirus.
*** Change “where” to “when” since this word is referring to time. Change “them” to “children.”
Edited sentence: This shows that parents can be teachers by homeschooling or teaching children skills at a time when school closes because of coronavirus.
Edited paragraph:
Parents can be teachers to children during the time when students stay home because of coronavirus by homeschooling or teaching them skills. According to the text, “Since the students are at home, they can learn many other things such as sewing, preparing food, cooking, preparing clothes, fixing areas of the house that need work on them, and so much more.” In addition, ”Since the very first day of life, parents have been everything to their children and most importantly, they are also the most important teachers. Whatever the parents do, the children copy.” This shows that parents can be teachers by homeschooling or teaching children skills at a time when school closes because of coronavirus.
Edited by Penny Yagake
To avoid getting the COVID-19 virus , you can wash your hands and sneeze or cough in a tissue or your elbow. According to the text ,”You should also take the same steps you would to avoid getting or spreading a cold.” In addition,” Wash your hands frequently, and sneeze and cough into a tissue or your elbow.” This shows that you can avoid getting the COVID-19 virus by washing your hands frequently and sneezing or coughing into a tissue or your elbow.
To avoid getting the COVID-19 virus , you can wash your hands and sneeze or cough in a tissue or your elbow.
*** Avoid second person point of view (“you,” “your”) and use third person point of view only. Here, I replaced “you” with “people.” Remove the space before the comma. Change “in” to “into.”
Edited sentence: To avoid getting the COVID-19 virus, people can wash their hands and sneeze or cough into a tissue or elbow.
According to the text ,”You should also take the same steps you would to avoid getting or spreading a cold.”
*** Remove the space before the comma, but add a space after the comma.
Edited sentence: According to the text, ”You should also take the same steps you would to avoid getting or spreading a cold.”
In addition,” Wash your hands frequently, and sneeze and cough into a tissue or your elbow.”
*** Add a space after the comma. Remove the space after the first quotation mark.
Edited sentence: In addition, “Wash your hands frequently, and sneeze and cough into a tissue or your elbow.”
This shows that you can avoid getting the COVID-19 virus by washing your hands frequently and sneezing or coughing into a tissue or your elbow.
*** Avoid second person point of view (“you,” “your”) and use third person point of view only.
Edited sentence: This shows that people can avoid getting the COVID-19 virus by washing their hands frequently and sneezing or coughing into a tissue or elbow.
*** Remember to add a space after a comma, but not before a comma. Avoid second person point of view (“you,” “your”) and use third person point of view only. Replace “you” with other pronouns such as “people,” “a person,” “they,” or proper nouns such as the name of a person.
Edited paragraph:
To avoid getting the COVID-19 virus, people can wash their hands and sneeze or cough into a tissue or elbow. According to the text, ”You should also take the same steps you would to avoid getting or spreading a cold.” In addition, “Wash your hands frequently, and sneeze and cough into a tissue or your elbow.” This shows that people can avoid getting the COVID-19 virus by washing their hands frequently and sneezing or coughing into a tissue or elbow.
Edited by Penny Yagake
