Editor Kira Carson's Portfolio Page
Student Writer Tenzing
Unedited Paragraph:
The Best Day for Chocolate Caramel Lovers
Many think of chocolate caramel to be one of the greatest inventions ever made by mankind, as it is a mix of sweet caramel and smooth chocolate.
The history and origins of this sweet delight date back to the 17th century when caramel was made by the natives, originally from sugar beet juice.
Chocolate was from Mesoamerica, and when European settlers drank the originally bitter treat, they eagerly brought it back to Europe and made slight changes to the mix, adding sugar.
Mr. Hershey of the Hershey’s Candy Company originally sold caramel, but once he started to make chocolate his main product, he mixed both sweets together to make chocolate caramel.
Mr. Hershey made this mix popular amongst many and it became a sensation.
There are several ways to celebrate this invention, and many include eating one!
Source: https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/chocolate-caramel-day/
Edits:
The Best Day for Chocolate Caramel Lovers***
Since there's no mention of how March 19th is Chocolate Caramel Day, this title doesn't make sense. Suggestions: How Chocolate Caramel Came to Be, March 19th is Chocolate Caramel Day, Chocolate and Caramel: The Perfect Mix, or The Perfect Pair: Chocolate and Caramel.
The Perfect Pair: Chocolate and Caramel
Many think of chocolate caramel to be one of the greatest inventions ever made by mankind, as it is a mix of sweet caramel and smooth chocolate.***
The area in bold is a very big statement to be made about such a lighthearted topic. I know your sentence is to reflect the first sentence from the article however, I suggest removing 'by mankind' to sound less serious.
Many think of chocolate caramel to be one of the greatest inventions ever made, as it is a mix of sweet caramel and smooth chocolate.
The history and origins of this sweet delight date back to the 17th century when caramel was made by the natives, originally from sugar beet juice.***
Good sentence but, read carefully. Caramel was made by the settlers, not the natives (at least not according to this article).
The history and origins of this sweet delight date back to the 17th century when caramel was made by the settlers, originally from sugar beet juice.
Chocolate was from Mesoamerica, and when European settlers drank the originally bitter treat, they eagerly brought it back to Europe and made slight changes to the mix, adding sugar.***
There are a lot of facts in this one sentence. I recommend cleaning it up by getting rid of some of the wordiness at the end.
Chocolate was from Mesoamerica, and when European settlers drank the originally bitter treat, they eagerly brought it back to Europe, adding sugar for sweetness.
Mr. Hershey of the Hershey’s Candy Company originally sold caramel, but once he started to make chocolate his main product, he mixed both sweets together to make chocolate caramel.***
Omit 'together'. It's not a necessary word since you've already used 'mixed' to describe what's going on. With the words in bold, you can see how there is a lot of repetition. Let's try to remove some of that by using 'produce' instead of 'make'. We also need a transitioning word to tie in this sentence with the one above. I've used 'later'.
Later, Mr. Hershey of the Hershey’s Candy Company, who originally sold caramel, began to produce chocolate as his main product and then mixed both sweets to make chocolate caramel.
Mr. Hershey made this mix popular amongst many and it became a sensation.***
The area in bold repeats what is already told to the reader in the first part of the sentence. Changing it to ', creating a sensation' adds flow and feels like new information instead of repetition.
Mr. Hershey made this mix popular amongst many, creating a sensation.
There are several ways to celebrate this invention, and many include eating one!***
I've added a transitioning word (Today). Since this is also a historical account the use of 'Today' also helps to tie things together.
Today, there are several ways to celebrate this invention, and many include eating one!
Edited Paragraph:
The Perfect Pair: Chocolate and Caramel
Many think of chocolate caramel to be one of the greatest inventions ever made, as it is a mix of sweet caramel and smooth chocolate. The history and origins of this sweet delight date back to the 17th century when caramel was made by the settlers, originally from sugar beet juice. Chocolate was from Mesoamerica, and when European settlers drank the originally bitter treat, they eagerly brought it back to Europe, adding sugar for sweetness. Later, Mr. Hershey of the Hershey’s Candy Company, who originally sold caramel, began to produce chocolate as his main product and then mixed both sweets to make chocolate caramel. Mr. Hershey made this mix popular amongst many, creating a sensation. Today, there are several ways to celebrate this invention, and many include eating one!
Source: https://www.daysoftheyear.com/days/chocolate-caramel-day/
Edited by Kira Carson
Student Writer Tenzing
Unedited Paragraph:
Dalgona Coffee Craze
Dalgona coffee, which is a whipped coffee consisting of only instant coffee, sugar, and water, had stormed the internet these past few weeks.
With everyone staying home because of quarantine, many people are looking for new recipes and snacks.
Made popular from popular streaming devices like YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok, many had decided to try this new simple treat.
How do you make it?
You need instant coffee (the kind that melts into water easily), sugar, and water.
Depending on how much you want to make, you need to have equal amounts of all three ingredients.
Then, whip by hand or by machine until the mixture turns creamy.
Tada! You've made Dalgona coffee!
You can enjoy this whip over cold or warm milk!
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/article/whipped-coffee-recipe.html?action=click&module=RelatedLinks&pgtype=Article
Edits:
Dalgona Coffee Craze***
Good headline.
Dalgona coffee, which is a whipped coffee consisting of only instant coffee, sugar, and water, had stormed the internet these past few weeks.***
Same as previous paragraphs, 'had' should be 'has'.
Dalgona coffee, which is a whipped coffee consisting of only instant coffee, sugar, and water, has stormed the internet these past few weeks.
With everyone staying home because of quarantine, many people are looking for new recipes and snacks.
Made popular from popular streaming devices like YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok, many had decided to try this new simple treat.***
Change 'had' to 'have'. This change of tense to present perfect (have+past tense verb) means the action already happened but is ongoing. Or in other words, it already occurred, but continues into the present. This is a better fit here.
Made popular from popular streaming devices like YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok, many have decided to try this new simple treat.
How do you make it?***
You need instant coffee (the kind that melts into water easily), sugar, and water.***
You have too many sentences, let's combine these two above and we will simply add 'equal parts' before 'instant coffee' which allows us to delete the sentence below.
To make it you need equals parts instant coffee (the kind that melts into water easily), sugar, and water.
Depending on how much you want to make, you need to have equal amounts of all three ingredients.***
Delete this.
Then, whip by hand or by machine until the mixture turns creamy.*** Tada! You've made Dalgona coffee!*** You can enjoy this whip over cold or warm milk!***
We still need to get rid of one sentence so from these three above, the middle one will be your conclusion and let's combine the other two. I've kept the two together which both include the instructions and added 'pour' to be more specific.
Then, whip by hand or by machine until the mixture turns creamy and pour over cold or warm milk.
Tada! You've made Dalgona coffee!
- This was another well-written paragraph. You just need to watch those have/had/has verbs and please try to make 6 sentences work. -Kira
Edited Paragraph:
Dalgona Coffee Craze
Dalgona coffee, which is a whipped coffee consisting of only instant coffee, sugar, and water, has stormed the internet these past few weeks. With everyone staying home because of quarantine, many people are looking for new recipes and snacks. Made popular from popular streaming devices like YouTube, Instagram, and TikTok, many have decided to try this new simple treat. To make it you need equals parts instant coffee (the kind that melts into water easily), sugar, and water. Then, whip by hand or by machine until the mixture turns creamy and pour over cold or warm milk. Tada! You've made Dalgona coffee!
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/article/whipped-coffee-recipe.html?action=click&module=RelatedLinks&pgtype=Article
Edited by Kira Carson
Student Writer Chris
Unedited Paragraph:
Confirmed COVID-19 Cases Over 50,000
Covid-19 is a very deadly virus, which causes symptoms like fever shortness of breath, and dry coughing and it can harm people over 60 and with medical/health problems. If you do not want to catch the coronavirus than it is best to stay indoors where you aren't around anyone except for your family. The coronavirus is a very serious virus in so many ways, at least 177 countries have at least more than 10 cases in that country. In the whole world, there are about 400,000 cases and killed 18,000 people. For preventing the coronavirus we should wash our hands all the time for as long it takes to sing the alphabet, and we should not touch our face and also should not go outside often we should follow these rules strictly to be safe. https://www.popsci.com/story/health/covid-19-coronavirus-outbreak-update/
Edits:
Chris, you've had so much improvement on not plagiarizing. Good job! However, your summaries need to be 6 sentences and before your link, you should have 'Source:'. I've reminded you many times, stick to the format! For a refresher read again the beginning of this page: http://theworldforfreedom.com/Article_Tutorial
Confirmed COVID-19 Cases Over 50,000
Covid-19 is a very deadly virus, which causes symptoms like fever shortness of breath, and dry coughing and it can harm people over 60 and with medical/health problems.***
Sometimes sentences with lists, many commas, and multiples 'and's' can come off sounding weak. For a stronger sentence, I recommend removing the last 'and' and rephrasing with 'often'. Also, you're missing a comma after 'fever'.
Covid-19 is a very deadly virus, which causes symptoms like fever, shortness of breath, and dry coughing, often harming people over 60 with medical/health problems.
If you do not want to catch the coronavirus than it is best to stay indoors where you aren't around anyone except for your family.***
This is a little wordy and too casual sounding. Note how the parts in bold I have shortened, making the sentence more specific and easier to read. I've changed 'family' to 'household' because 'family' is too broad and the reader may not know what you mean (which is family that you live with).
To avoid catching the coronavirus it is best to stay indoors away from people except those in your household.
The coronavirus is a very serious virus in so many ways, at least 177 countries have at least more than 10 cases in that country.***
I can't find these facts in the article but, it's been updated a few times so, I'm going to assume that's why. Anyways, let's clean up the first part in bold. To sharpen your writing I suggest a synonym for 'very serious' or for 'so many' or both. This is because these are all descriptors that are used a lot in writing and if we can find one word to substitute two words it sounds more professional. Your comma should be a semicolon because either side of it is an independent clause. The last half of this sentence reads a little difficult because of the wordiness and repetition (in bold). Some of it is redundant and we can remove. See below:
The coronavirus is a severe virus in numerous ways; currently, 177 countries have at least 10 cases each.
In the whole world, there are about 400,000 cases and killed 18,000 people.***
The placement and verb 'killed' doesn't quite work here. It appears a word is missing too. You could put 'it's' before killed or change to '400,000 cases, killing 18,000 people." or:
In the whole world, there are about 400,000 cases and 18,000 people have died.
For preventing the coronavirus we should wash our hands all the time for as long it takes to sing the alphabet, and we should not touch our face and also should not go outside often we should follow these rules strictly to be safe.***
Since you're missing a sentence let's break this up into two sentences. Let's include information on social distancing as well since it is also an important preventative which hasn't been mentioned in your summary. The parts in bold are areas that are unclear and need to be reworded. "should' and 'we should' is repeated many times as well and can be cut back.
To prevent the coronavirus we should wash our hands frequently to the length of time it takes to sing the alphabet and attempt to not touch our faces. We also must limit our outside outings, practice social distancing, and continue to follow these rules strictly to be safe.
https://www.popsci.com/story/health/covid-19-coronavirus-outbreak-update/***
Put 'Source:' before the link.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/story/health/covid-19-coronavirus-outbreak-update/
Edited Paragraph:
Confirmed COVID-19 Cases Over 50,000
Covid-19 is a very deadly virus, which causes symptoms like fever, shortness of breath, and dry coughing, often harming people over 60 with medical/health problems. To avoid catching the coronavirus it is best to stay indoors away from people except those in your household. The coronavirus is a severe virus in numerous ways; currently, 177 countries have at least 10 cases each. In the whole world, there are about 400,000 cases and 18,000 people have died. To prevent the coronavirus we should wash our hands frequently to the length of time it takes to sing the alphabet and attempt to not touch our faces. We also must limit our outside outings, practice social distancing, and continue to follow these rules strictly to be safe.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/story/health/covid-19-coronavirus-outbreak-update/
Edited by Kira Carson
Student Writer Chris
Unedited Paragraph:
All Alone Solo Anaerobic Animal
Parasites that don't need oxygen to survive sounds fascinating to me. Researchers found out about a animal which doesn't need oxygen to live. The parasite is linked to a part of a group of jellyfish called Myxozoa. The scientists found the first multicellular animal that doesn't have the necessities of a DNA that has the genes of respiration. The cause of living without oxygen is because of H. salminicola, which dwells within the fish and makes the organism to live without any oxygen. https://www.livescience.com/first-non-breathing-animal.html
Edits:
All Alone Solo Anaerobic Animal***
Remove 'All Alone Solo' because those words imply that this animal is by itself which is not what the story is trying to say.
Anaerobic Animal
Parasites that don't need oxygen to survive sounds fascinating to me.***
We have a theme here on how you like to have your intro and concluding sentences refer to yourself. This is supposed to be a summary of the article you read which does not include any of your opinions. Keep it in the third person point of view. Below I have copied and pasted the first few sentences of the article. Notice how I used those sentences as inspiration for an intro sentence:
News story intro: Scientists discover first known animal that doesn't breathe This is the first animal on Earth proven to have no mitochondrial genome and no way to breathe. When the parasitic blob known as Henneguya salminicola sinks its spores into the flesh of a tasty fish, it does not hold its breath. That's because H. salminicola is the only known animal on Earth that does not breathe.
Intro sentence for summary: A parasite has been discovered called Henneguya salminicola which appears to not breathe.
Researchers found out about a animal which doesn't need oxygen to live.***
This sentence could have also worked great as an intro sentence! Let's change 'found' (past tense) to 'have found' (present perfect) because using this tense indicates something happened in the past but is still related to the present (like this is). Using the present perfect tense instead of the past tense usually works better for most news summaries because most of this news is still ongoing and anything that had happened is still related to the present moment. I changed some of the wording like 'a animal' to 'this animal' because it makes better sense with the new sentence above.
Researchers have found this animal to not need oxygen to live.
The parasite is linked to a part of a group of jellyfish called Myxozoa.***
'A part of a group of jellyfish' is a little wordy. Omit 'a part of'.
The parasite is linked to a group of jellyfish called Myxozoa.
The scientists found the first multicellular animal that doesn't have the necessities of a DNA that has the genes of respiration.***
You're on the right track with this sentence but, I think you are forgetting to check the sentences after using your thesaurus just to check and make sure it is easily readable and clear. 'The scientists found' is past tense and this tense doesn't match the changes above so, note how 'This is the first discovered' flows better. I also changed a few words around at the end for clarity.
This is the first discovered multicellular animal that doesn't have the necessary DNA which contains the genes of respiration.
The cause of living without oxygen is because of H. salminicola, which dwells within the fish and makes the organism to live without any oxygen.***
This is not a clear sentence. It's stating (in my own simpler words) that it lives without oxygen because it lives inside the fish which forces it to live without oxygen. It's still not clear what causes the animal to live without oxygen. This question is never answered in the article either. I believe you are using this sentence from the article as inspiration: "If you spent your entire life infecting the dense muscle tissues of fish and underwater worms, like H. salminicola does, you probably wouldn't have much opportunity to turn oxygen into energy, either." If so, this is my suggestion instead:
This makes sense, seeing as this parasite lives deep inside the muscle of underwater creatures, therefore making it hard to breathe.
Missing a concluding sentence. Don't forget to use the entire article. There were a few main points that you could have also touched on (genetic downsizing, a threat to fish). My suggestion:
Research finds that the H. salminicola has actually evolved over time to lose its breathing along with many other things like its muscles and nerve cells, further confusing scientists.
https://www.livescience.com/first-non-breathing-animal.html***
Add 'Source:' before the website
Source:https://www.livescience.com/first-non-breathing-animal.html
Edited Paragraph:
Anaerobic Animal
A parasite has been discovered called Henneguya salminicola which appears to not breathe. Researchers have found this animal to not need oxygen to live. The parasite is linked to a group of jellyfish called Myxozoa. This is the first discovered multicellular animal that doesn't have the necessary DNA which contains the genes of respiration. This makes sense, seeing as this parasite lives deep inside the muscle of underwater creatures, therefore making it hard to breathe. Research finds that the H. salminicola has actually evolved over time to lose its breathing along with many other things like its muscles and nerve cells, further confusing scientists.
Source:https://www.livescience.com/first-non-breathing-animal.html
Edited by Kira Carson
