---Page includes edits for Sija, Matthew, and Chris in that order. Edited by Kayla Andry.-----
Edits for: Sija
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Bottle Cap Challenge
The latest to join the eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge.
-Changed "this" to "the" to make it more general; The latest to join this eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge.
This challenge requires the challenger to take off the cap with a roundhouse kick.
In late June 2019, Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin started the challenge, and American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July.
-Rephrased the sentence to make it a little less confusing. Before, the wording made it seem like the two events were flipped---John Mayer did the challenge first and then Davletchin created it. I changed some wording to clarify the chronological order of the challenge; Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin in late June 2019, started the challenge after American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July.
The challengers show off their talent through Instagram, YouTube, and other social media sites.
An extreme, cool challenge was “German automobile manufacturer BMW, used the challenge to showcase their vehicles and the driving skills of the company's head instructor Claudia Hürtgen.”
-Deleted this sentence. Please don't directly quote from the source article.
This challenge is dangerous, yet exciting.
Bottle Cap Challenge (completely edited article)
The latest to join the eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge. This challenge requires the challenger to take off the cap with a roundhouse kick. In late June 2019, Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin started the challenge, and American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July. The challengers show off their talent through Instagram, YouTube, and other social media sites. This challenge is dangerous, yet exciting.
Bottle Cap Challenge (unedited article)
The latest to join this eternal trend of viral competitions is the Bottle Cap Challenge. This challenge requires the challenger to take off the cap with a roundhouse kick. Taekwondo instructor and fighter Farabi Davletchin in late June 2019, started the challenge after American musician John Mayer succeed the task in early July. The challengers show off their talent through Instagram, YouTube, and other social media sites. An extreme, cool challenge was “German automobile manufacturer BMW, used the challenge to showcase their vehicles and the driving skills of the company's head instructor Claudia Hürtgen.” This challenge is dangerous, yet exciting.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/8/7/the-bottle-cap-challenge-is-taking-the-internet-by-storm —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Informative Dinosaur Egg Fossils
Newly discovered dinosaur egg fossils have given researchers information about how the dinosaurs looked and acted.
-Added “newly discovered...have given researchers” to provide more context for the reader; The dinosaur egg fossils gave information about how the dinosaur looked and acted.
For example, groups of fossilized eggs found in Mongolia showed how dinosaurs cared for their young.
-Removed “when” and the semicolon for clarity and coherence; For example, when groups of fossilized eggs were found in Mongolia; it showed how dinosaurs cared for the young.
More information showed that dinosaurs were born and nurtured in colonies.
-Changed “would be” to “were.” Because you’re describing a past occurrence, the past tense is a better fit here.
-Changed “nurtured and born” to “born and nurtured.” The dinosaurs were born first and then nurtured, so I changed the phrasing to reflect that; More information showed that dinosaurs would be nurtured and born in colonies.
Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs took care of their babies as a bunch, not individually.
-Changed “take” to “took” to keep the past tense consistent; Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs take care of their babies as a bunch, not individually.
The babies were strong enough to support themselves right after they hatched.
-Deleted “dinosaurs.”
-Changed “are” to “were.” Be careful to watch your tenses; The dinosaurs' babies are strong enough to support themselves right after they hatch.
There is much information we can learn through these fossils.
-Changed the wording of the sentence. This is to emphasize the fact that the researchers are learning more about the dinosaurs because of these fossils, not just learning about the fossils themselves; There is much information about these fossils we can learn about.
Informative Dinosaur Egg Fossils (completely edited article)
Newly discovered dinosaur egg fossils have given researchers information about how the dinosaurs looked and acted. For example, groups of fossilized eggs found in Mongolia showed how dinosaurs cared for their young. More information showed that dinosaurs were born and nurtured in colonies. Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs took care of their babies as a bunch, not individually. The babies were strong enough to support themselves right after they hatched. There is much information we can learn through these fossils.
Informative Dinosaur Egg Fossils (unedited article)
The dinosaur egg fossils gave information about how the dinosaur looked and acted. For example, when groups of fossilized eggs were found in Mongolia; it showed how dinosaurs cared for the young. More information showed that dinosaurs would be nurtured and born in colonies. Dinosaur hunters and researchers proved that dinosaurs take care of their babies as a bunch, not individually. The dinosaurs' babies are strong enough to support themselves right after they hatch. There is much information about these fossils we can learn about.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/dinosaur-eggs-and-parental-behavior/
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Big—no—Giant Parrot!
-An em dash is the right punctuation to use here for this type of phrase; Big...no...Giant Parrot!
There are many kinds of parrots and among them is Kakapo, the heaviest parrot.
However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight: the Squawkzilla.
-Replaced the comma with a colon. A colon adds emphasis; However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight, it is the Squawkzilla.
The Squawkzilla, now extinct, was two times the weight of the Kakapo.
-Added "now extinct, was" to indicate to the reader that Squawkzilla does not exist anymore; The Squawkzilla is two times the weight of the Kakapo.
Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle based on their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different.
-Changed "from" to "based on." "Based on" is a more detailed way to describe how the scientists came to believe the parrot was an eagle; The Squawkzilla is two times the weight of the Kakapo. Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle from their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different.
With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla could not fly or climb.
-Changed "cannot" to "could not." Because Squawkzilla is extinct, it should be referred to in the past tense; With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla cannot fly or climb.
More information is being gathered so we can get accurate information about it.
-"Searched" isn't quite the best word to use here. It implies that the scientists are looking for something. "Gathered" describes the process of collecting information that the scientists are undergoing; More information is being searched, and so we can get accurate information about it.
Big—no—Giant Parrot! (completely edited article)
There are many kinds of parrots and among them is Kakapo, the heaviest parrot. However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight: the Squawkzilla. The Squawkzilla, now extinct, was two times the weight of the Kakapo. Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle based on their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different. With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla could not fly or climb. More information is being gathered so we can get accurate information about it.
Big...no...Giant Parrot! (unedited article)
There are many kinds of parrots and among them is Kakapo, the heaviest parrot. However, there is one kind of parrot that beats the Kakapo at weight, it is the Squawkzilla. The Squawkzilla is two times the weight of the Kakapo. Back then, scientists believed this to be an eagle from their fossils; however, a student figured out that the leg bones were different. With information from the leg bones, scientists believe the Squawkzilla cannot fly or climb. More information is being searched, and so we can get accurate information about it.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2019/08/fossils-15-pound-parrot-found-new-zealand-kakapo/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Fornite World Cup Challenge
From July 26 to July 28, 2019, New York's Arthur Ashe Stadium hosted the biggest video game competition of all time.
The Fortnite event was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online.
-Added "Fortnite" for context as to what the video game was; The event, was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online.
The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, was comprised of four tournaments.
-Rephrased "comprised" to "was comprised of"; The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, comprised four different tournaments.
Team Fish Fam won the top prize in the Creative Finals tournament.
Underdogs Emil “Nyhrox” Bergquist Pedersen and David “Aqua” Wang were the winners of the duos championship.
Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf was the champion, winning all six games.
This World Cup was exciting and thrilling.
-Great article!
Thank you! -Sion (Sija)
Fortnite World Cup Challenge (completely edited article)
From July 26 to July 28, 2019, New York's Arthur Ashe Stadium hosted the biggest video game competition of all time. The Fortnite event was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online. The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, was comprised of four tournaments. Team Fish Fam won the top prize in the Creative Finals tournament. Underdogs Emil “Nyhrox” Bergquist Pedersen and David “Aqua” Wang were the winners of the duos championship. Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf was the champion, winning all six games. This World Cup was exciting and thrilling.
Fornite World Cup Challenge (unedited article)
From July 26 to July 28, 2019, New York's Arthur Ashe Stadium hosted the biggest video game competition of all time. The event, was watched by a live audience of over 23,000 and more than 2 million fans online. The exciting competition, which awarded $30 million in prize money over the three days, comprised four different tournaments. Team Fish Fam won the top prize in the Creative Finals tournament. Underdogs Emil “Nyhrox” Bergquist Pedersen and David “Aqua” Wang were the winners of the duos championship. Kyle "Bugha" Giersdorf was the champion, winning all six games. This World Cup was exciting and thrilling.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— The Wolf Children
After World War 2, many surviving children in East Prussia suffered.
-Rephrased the sentence to provide more context for the reader (not just children, but children in East Prussia).
-Switched the phrase “suffered from surviving” to “surviving children in East Prussia suffered”; After World War 2, many children suffered from surviving.
They had to live without their parents.
They had to search through the woods for food just like wolves.
It was difficult for the children to return to their families, so they all split up and went other ways.
The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: hiding, working in harsh conditions, and receiving little education.
-Rephrased to put “hiding” at the beginning of the sentence for clarity. It also helps improve the logical flow of the sentence.
-Changed “having little education” to “receiving little education.” “Receiving” is more clear about the fact that the children weren’t being taught, and didn’t get regular schooling; The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: working in harsh conditions, having little education and hiding.
Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children; so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
-Added a semicolon to separate the two independent clauses within this sentence; Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children, so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
The Wolf Children (completely edited article)
After World War 2, many surviving children in East Prussia suffered. They had to live without their parents. They had to search through the woods for food just like wolves. It was difficult for the children to return to their families, so they all split up and went other ways. The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: hiding, working in harsh conditions, and receiving little education. Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children; so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
The Wolf Children (unedited article)
After World War 2, many children suffered from surviving. They had to live without their parents. They had to search through the woods for food just like wolves. It was difficult for the children to return to their families, so they all split up and went other ways. The wolf children in Lithuania had similar lives: working in harsh conditions, having little education and hiding. Photographer Lukas Kreibig began a photography project about the wolf children, so far he has learned a lot and is more interested in them.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture/2019/07/forgotten-wolf-children-world-war-ii/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Big Jellyfish caught on camera
BBC Earth host Lizzie Daly and underwater photographer Dan Abbott took pictures of amazing marine animals.
Abbott, who took the picture of the Barrel Jellyfish, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width.
-Rephrased the sentence to add more information. Clarified that the picture is of the Barrel Jellyfish and that Abbot is the one who took the picture and described its size; They took this , who took this picture, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width.
A few days later, Cornwall resident Harry Chenoweth and his brother Jago saw this creature.
The Barrel Jellyfish spends most of its time in the open sea.
-Rephrased fix some small grammar issues. Because the Barrel Jellyfish is now introduced as the creature earlier in the paragraph, “this creature” is not needed here.
-Rephrased “spends time in the open sea” to “spends most of its time in the open sea.” “Most” adds specificity; This creature, Barrel Jellyfish, spends time in the open sea.
Their main food source, plankton, is in abundance.
-Added “plankton” to specify what their food source is; Their main food source is in abundance.
Luckily, the jellyfish are too weak to harm humans.
-Added “jellyfish” to clarify that you are not talking about the plankton; Luckily, they are too weak to harm humans.
Big Jellyfish Caught on Camera (completely edited article)
BBC Earth host Lizzie Daly and underwater photographer Dan Abbott took pictures of amazing marine animals. Abbott, who took the picture of the Barrel Jellyfish, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width. A few days later, Cornwall resident Harry Chenoweth and his brother Jago saw the jellyfish. The Barrel Jellyfish spends most of their time in the open sea. Their main food source, plankton, is in abundance. Luckily, they are too weak to harm humans.
Big Jellyfish caught on camera (unedited article)
BBC Earth host Lizzie Daly and underwater photographer Dan Abbott took pictures of amazing marine animals. They took this , who took this picture, said it was about a meter and a half long, probably half a meter in width. A few days later, Cornwall resident Harry Chenoweth and his brother Jago saw this creature. This creature, Barrel Jellyfish, spends time in the open sea. Their main food source is in abundance. Luckily, they are too weak to harm humans.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/7/23/massive-barrel-jellyfish-caught-on-camera-off-english-coast
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Noctilucent Clouds
Noctilucent clouds are very unique clouds.
They have a blue color because they are near the ozone layer (in the stratosphere); these clouds absorb red light and release blue light.
-Removed "on them" because it is not necessary here.
-Added "in the stratosphere." This is just to provide context for the reader that the ozone layer is located in the stratosphere; They have a blue color on them because they are near the ozone layer(stratosphere); these clouds absorb the red light and release the blue light.
Typically, clouds should be in the mesosphere; however, as of 2002, clouds are coming closer to the Earth.
-Great sentence!
Furthermore, the ripples on the clouds are called, “atmospheric gravity waves.”
-Please rephrase this sentence to not include a direct quote from the article.
These clouds can appear visible.
To conclude, Noctilucent clouds are rare clouds you won’t be able to see every day.
Noctilucent Clouds (completely edited article)
Noctilucent clouds are very unique clouds. They have a blue color because they are near the ozone layer (in the stratosphere); these clouds absorb red light and release blue light. Typically, clouds should be in the mesosphere; however, as of 2002, clouds are coming closer to the Earth. Furthermore, the ripples on the clouds are called, “atmospheric gravity waves.” These clouds can appear visible. To conclude, Noctilucent clouds are rare clouds you won’t be able to see every day.
Noctilucent Clouds (unedited article)
Noctilucent clouds are very unique clouds. They have a blue color on them because they are near the ozone layer(stratosphere); these clouds absorb the red light and release the blue light. Typically, clouds should be in the mesosphere; however, as of 2002, clouds are coming closer to the Earth. Furthermore, the ripples on the clouds are called, “atmospheric gravity waves.” These clouds can appear visible. To conclude, Noctilucent clouds are rare clouds you won’t be able to see every day.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/blue-noctilucent-clouds/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Sleeping is important
-Capitalized all words in the title (like a news headline); Sleeping is important.
Sleeping helps you in many ways.
-Changed “will help” to “helps.” This changes the sentence from passive to active (“helps” is an active verb).
-Changed “with” to “in”; Sleeping will help you with many ways.
First of all, sleep helps with restoration.
Sleep cleans out the metabolic waste in the brain.
-Rephrased the sentence. By putting “metabolic waste” first, it makes it a little more clear that the waste is located inside of the brain and is being removed; Sleep cleans out the brain such as metabolic wastes.
It also shrinks 60 percent of your brain cells.
-Rephrased the sentence and make “it” (referring to “sleep”) the subject. This avoids using “brain” twice in the same sentence; The brain shrinks 60 percent of your brain cells.
Soon, when you wake up, your brain will be cleared and refreshed.
Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation.
This maintains and strengthens your long-term memories.
-Changed “It” to “This” to make it more clear that you are talking about the process of consolidation; Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation.
Not only that, sleeping can help prevent muscle loss and fat gain.
Therefore, we should sleep a lot.
Sleeping Is Important (completely edited article)
Sleeping helps you in many ways. First of all, sleep helps with restoration. Sleep cleans out the metabolic waste in the brain. During sleep, brain cells shrink by 60 percent. Soon, when you wake up, your brain will be cleared and refreshed. Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation. This maintains and strengthens your long-term memories. Not only that, sleeping can help prevent muscle loss and fat gain. Therefore, we should sleep a lot.
Sleeping is important (unedited article)
Sleeping will help you with many ways. First of all, sleep helps with restoration. Sleep cleans out the brain such as metabolic wastes. The brain shrinks 60 percent of your brain cells. Soon, when you wake up, your brain will be cleared and refreshed. Another reason why sleeping is beneficial is it helps with consolidation. It maintains and strengthens your long-term memories. Not only that, sleeping can help by preventing muscle loss and fat gain. Therefore, we should sleep a lot.
Source: https://jamesclear.com/sleep#The%20Purpose%20of%20Sleep —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Observing 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11 landing
The 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing is celebrated on July 20, 2019.
This journey began on July 16, 1969, when Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins launched into space from Florida's Kennedy Space Center.
On July 20, 1969, billions of people were watching “Armstrong and Aldrin lower the lunar module ladder to become the first humans ever to set foot on the moon.“
-Please rewrite this sentence to reflect your own paraphrased version.
The Apollo 11 mission was and still is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts.
-Changed "Golden" to "The Apollo 11." This is to avoid directly quoting the source article.
-Rephrased "was/is" to "was and still is." It's a different way of saying the same thing, but it is a little more formal; This “Golden” mission was/is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts.
Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is being displayed for the first time in 13 years.
-Added "being." It's a good word to use when describing something that is currently still occurring; Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is displayed for the first time in 13 years.
The US Space Agency also announced a never-researched rock sample and gave it to nine lucky scientists.
-Removed "to reveal." It is similar to "announced", so only the first one is necessary here.
-Changed "never-studied" to "never-researched." This is just to avoid quoting too directly from the source article.
-Changed "give" to "gave." This is to keep the past tense consistent; The US Space Agency also announced to reveal a never-studied sample rock and give it to nine lucky scientists.
There are so many events we need to celebrate.
-Rephrased this sentence. I would suggest mentioning the moon landing itself, just to wrap up your paragraph. Good article overall!; Thus, there are so many events we need to celebrate, that we didn’t know about.
Observing 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11 Landing (completely edited article)
The 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing is celebrated on July 20, 2019. This journey began on July 16, 1969, when Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins launched into space from Florida's Kennedy Space Center. On July 20, 1969, billions of people were watching “Armstrong and Aldrin lower the lunar module ladder to become the first humans ever to set foot on the moon. “ The Apollo 11 mission was and still is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts. Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is being displayed for the first time in 13 years. The US Space Agency also announced a never-researched rock sample and gave it to nine lucky scientists. There are so many events we need to celebrate.
Observing 50th Anniversary of Apollo 11 Landing (unedited article)
The 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 landing is celebrated on July 20, 2019. This journey began on July 16, 1969, when Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins launched into space from Florida's Kennedy Space Center. On July 20, 1969, billions of people were watching “Armstrong and Aldrin lower the lunar module ladder to become the first humans ever to set foot on the moon. “ This “Golden” mission was/is celebrated around the world to honor the astronauts. Not only that, Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit is displayed for the first time in 13 years. The US Space Agency also announced to reveal a never-studied sample rock and give it to nine lucky scientists. Thus, there are so many events we need to celebrate, that we didn’t know about.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— The Great Robert Smith
Robert Smith, a billionaire, decided he will pay 2019 Morehouse graduates’ debt.
-Changed the sentence to be completely in the past tense.
-Added “2019 Morehouse graduates” to provide more context for the reader. He specifically erased the debt of that class; Robert Smith, a billionaire, decides he will pay the students’ debt.
Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr. Smith announced he would pay off all their debt.
-Changed “addressed” to “announced.” “Announced” is a good word to use here to describe what he did
-Changed “will” to “would”; Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr.Smith addressed he will pay off all their debt.
Mr. Smith had already gifted the college with $1.5 million.
-He gave the money to Morehouse College, not directly to the students themselves; Mr.Smith had already gifted the students with $1.5 million.
He also mentions in his speech that he was bused to another elementary school.
-Reworded to more accurately reflect the source article. As a kid, Smith was bused to another school across town in order to racially integrate that school; He also mentions in his speech that he devoted to an elementary school for transportation issues.
Furthermore, Mr. Smith said he became like this because of his community; the community allowed him to aspire to reach great heights.
Today, we need more people like him in our society, to become better people and to learn how to help each other.
The Great Robert Smith (completely edited article)
Robert Smith, a billionaire, decided he will pay 2019 Morehouse graduates’ debt. Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr.Smith announced he will pay off all their debt. Mr.Smith had already gifted the college with $1.5 million. He also mentions in his speech that he was bused to another elementary school. Furthermore, Mr. Smith said he became like this because of his community; the community allowed him to aspire to reach great heights. Today, we need more people like him in our society, to become better people and to learn how to help each other.
The Great Robert Smith (unedited article)
Robert Smith, a billionaire, decides he will pay the students’ debt. Students were in shock because they expected him to be entertaining and inspiring; however, Mr.Smith addressed he will pay off all their debt. Mr.Smith had already gifted the students with $1.5 million. He also mentions in his speech that he devoted to an elementary school for transportation issues. Furthermore, Mr. Smith said he became like this because of his community; the community allowed him to aspire to reach great heights. Today, we need more people like him in our society, to become better people and so learn how to help each other.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/23/billionaire-investor-robert-smith-pledges-to-pay-off-morehouse-graduates-student-debt —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Bison, an animal you should “keep your eyes peeled”
Bisons are fascinating and great, but can be dangerous and scary at the same time. Bisons are not cute, minuscule animals; but rather huge, scary animals. They weigh 2,000 pounds and run 35 miles per hour, and can jump objects over 5 feet. Bisons are great known swimmers and great at vision, smell, noise. Most of bisons are found in Wyoming, Montana, Colorado and some parts of Kentucky. In Yellow Stone, more than 4.1 million bison came. People should be aware of bison because they can attack at 3,500 square miles area. Thus, bison are scary and huge, they are nice and smart.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/bison-encounter-buffalo/ –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Ozmo, the Ultimate Hero!
Skyscrapers worldwide are made out of large glass panes human workers have to clean frequently.
-Removed unnecessary commas after “skyscrapers and worldwide.” Also Removed “and” and “them”; Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently.
For humans it is a hard and risky task; if they fall off, they would die or be severely injured.
- Removed “for them” because the subject is already specified.
-Changed “wouldn’t be alive” to “would die” in order to use more active verb
-Combined the two sentences with a colon in between; For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them. If they fall off, they wouldn’t be alive or be severely injured.
Because of this, a robot named Ozmo will is assigned to clean the glass panes and while humans will be safely watching itwatch below.
-Removed “so” to make the sentence more fluid and replaced with “because of this.”
-Added “A robot named” because Ozmo it has not been previously named
-Changed “will be” to “is” in order to keep the present tense.
-Changed “and humans will be safely watching it below” to “while humans safely watch below” in order to keep the present tense; So, Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes and humans will be safely watching it below.
The benefits of Ozmo are that it works safer and faster, taking 80 hours to clean the whole outside while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
-Combined these two sentences and fixed subject-verb agreement; The benefits of having Ozmo is that it works faster and safer. The Ozmo takes 80 hours to clean the whole outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
The Ozmo uses its arms and brushes to clean the glass panes.
-I removed this sentence to conform to the 7 sentence paragraph structure; it is also not essential.
A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system, which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of.
To do its job, the Ozmo uses distilled water and a process known as reverse osmosis.
-Changed the structure and some wording of the sentence in order to avoid potential plagiarism; The Ozmo uses distilled water and a process called reverse osmosis to do the job.
Schwarcz explains, "We hypothyroid by water, taking all the minerals out of it, and then we use the natural properties of pure water to absorb the salts, the minerals, the oils, the grit from the building. We are environmentally neutral."
-I removed this sentence because it is directly taken from the original source; I also do not believe it is necessary in light of the 7 sentence paragraph structure.
It is anticipatedOzmo, the Ultimate Hero!
Skyscrapers worldwide are made out of large glass panes human workers have to clean frequently.
-Removed unnecessary commas after “skyscrapers and worldwide.” Also Removed “and” and “them”; Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently.
For humans it is a hard and risky task; if they fall off, they would die or be severely injured.
- Removed “for them” because the subject is already specified.
-Changed “wouldn’t be alive” to “would die” in order to use more active verb
-Combined the two sentences with a colon in between; For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them. If they fall off, they wouldn’t be alive or be severely injured.
Because of this, a robot named Ozmo will is assigned to clean the glass panes and while humans will be safely watching itwatch below.
-Removed “so” to make the sentence more fluid and replaced with “because of this.”
-Added “A robot named” because Ozmo it has not been previously named
-Changed “will be” to “is” in order to keep the present tense.
-Changed “and humans will be safely watching it below” to “while humans safely watch below” in order to keep the present tense; So, Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes and humans will be safely watching it below.
The benefits of Ozmo are that it works safer and faster, taking 80 hours to clean the whole outside while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
-Combined these two sentences and fixed subject-verb agreement; The benefits of having Ozmo is that it works faster and safer. The Ozmo takes 80 hours to clean the whole outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean.
The Ozmo uses its arms and brushes to clean the glass panes.
-I removed this sentence to conform to the 7 sentence paragraph structure; it is also not essential.
A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system, which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of.
To do its job, the Ozmo uses distilled water and a process known as reverse osmosis.
-Changed the structure and some wording of the sentence in order to avoid potential plagiarism; The Ozmo uses distilled water and a process called reverse osmosis to do the job.
Schwarcz explains, "We hypothyroid by water, taking all the minerals out of it, and then we use the natural properties of pure water to absorb the salts, the minerals, the oils, the grit from the building. We are environmentally neutral."
-I removed this sentence because it is directly taken from the original source; I also do not believe it is necessary in light of the 7 sentence paragraph structure.
It is anticipated that the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
-Reworded this sentence because it does not reflect the content of the source; It is unclear if the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
Ozmo, the Ultimate Hero! (completely edited article)
Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently. For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them: if they fall off, they could die or be severely injured. Because of this, a robot named Ozmo will is assigned to clean the glass panes while humans watch safely from below. The benefits of having Ozmo are that it works faster and safer, taking 80 hours to clean the entire outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean. A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system, which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of. To do its job, the Ozmo uses distilled water and a process known as reverse osmosis. It is unclear if the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
Ozmo, the Ultimate Hero! (unedited article)
Skyscrapers, worldwide, are made out of large glass panes and human workers have to clean them frequently. For humans, it is a hard and risky task for them. If they fall off, they wouldn't be alive or be severely injured. So, Ozmo will be assigned to clean the glass panes and humans will be safely watching it below. The benefits of having Ozmo is that it works faster and safer. The Ozmo takes 80 hours to clean the whole outside, while human workers take 480 hours to clean. The Ozmo uses its arms and brushes to clean the glass panes. A 3D map of the building is programmed into the system , which allows the Ozmo to maneuver ledges, bumps, and any other obstacles it has to be aware of. The Ozmo uses distilled water and a process called reverse osmosis to do the job. Schwarcz explains, "We hypothyroid by water, taking all the minerals out of it, and then we use the natural properties of pure water to absorb the salts, the minerals, the oils, the grit from the building. We are environmentally neutral." It is anticipated that the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers. that the Ozmo will be more efficient than human workers.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/27/meet-ozmo-the-environmentally-friendly-window-cleaning-robot –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– The Effects of Cracked Phones
Cracked phones are bad in a variety of ways.
-"Variety" is a more descriptive alternative to "many", and it has a similar meaning; Cracked phones are bad in many ways.
First of all, it blocks content and exposes the phone to future damages.
-Changed "obstruct" to "blocks" in order to avoid copying the article and using their wording too closely; First of all, it obstructs content and exposes the phone for future damages.
Also, the phone's touch functionality gets damaged, preventing it from sensing fingerprints.
-Added "phone's touch functionality" in order to avoid copying the article too closely. Also, adding "phone" as a subject links your ideas together more clearly.
-Added "preventing it from sensing fingerprints." "Preventing" is a more concise way of saying "not allowing." I also changed the construction of the phrase to be active, so "to sense" becomes the verb "sensing." This works because I previously made "phone" a subject of the sentence; Also, the captive touch functionality gets damaged, and so not allowing it to sense fingerprints.
In addition, the water-resistant “power” will stop working because the crack allows the water to get through to the phone.
Not only that, you can cut your fingers on the sharp, hard cracks.'
-Changed "sharp and hard cracks" to "sharp, hard cracks." Using the "and" construction isn't wrong. The comma construction is another way of indicating the two adjectives---"sharp" and "hard"---modify the noun, "cracks"; Not only that, you can cut your fingers by the sharp and hard cracks.
Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to avoid these effects.
-Changed "reduce" to "avoid." You're advising that someone try not to crack their phone at all. So in this case, "avoid" is a more appropriate word to use here. Good use of "therefore"!; Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to reduce the effects.
The Effects of Cracked Phones (completely edited article)
Cracked phones are bad in a variety of ways. First of all, it blocks content and exposes the phone to future damages. Also, the phone's touch functionality gets damaged, preventing it from sensing fingerprints. In addition, the water-resistant “power” will stop working because the crack allows the water to get through to the phone. Not only that, you can cut your fingers on the sharp, hard cracks. Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to avoid these effects.
The Effects of Cracked Phones (unedited article)
Cracked phones are bad in many ways. First of all, it obstructs content and exposes the phone for future damages. Also, the captive touch functionality gets damaged, and so not allowing it to sense fingerprints. In addition, the water-resistant “power” will stop working because the crack allows the water to get through the phone. Not only that, you can cut your fingers by the sharp and hard cracks. Therefore, it’s better if you try not to crack your phone to reduce the effects.
Source: https://www.techwalla.com/articles/the-dangers-of-a-cracked-phone-screen —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Ruthenium
Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is interesting to learn about.
-Removed "very." Try out using synonyms that mean the same thing as "very interesting", but are more descriptive, like "captivating" or "compelling". "Interesting" is somewhat vague; Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is very interesting to learn about.
Ruthenium was identified by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844.
-Changed "created" to "identified." "Identified" is a bit more accurate of a term to use here than "created", as Klaus is credited as discovering the element and not making it; Ruthenium was created by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844.
Its atomic number is 44 and the atomic weight is 101.07.
Ruthenium is a hard, white transition metal.
Ruthenium is found in the Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa.
-Added "the" before "Ural Mountains"; Ruthenium is found in Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa.
Ruthenium is not only a cool element; it also has a good use.
-Deleted "not only that" because it is similar to the other "not only" in the sentence.
-Changed "can not only be" to "is not only." The first phrasing is a bit awkward. The second phrasing makes your statement more definitive and strong, and helps with the coherence of the sentence.
-Changed "but also a good use" to "it also has a good use." The semicolon acts as the "but" in this sentence, so it is not needed.
-Changed "also a good use" to "has a good use." "Has" indicates that it is being used for something, which is exactly what you describe. Good use of the semicolon!; Not only that, Ruthenium can not only be a cool element; but also a good use.
Ruthenium can “split hydrogen sulfide (H2S) through light, using an aqueous suspension of cadmium sulfide (CdS) particles loaded with ruthenium dioxide. This ability could help to remove of H2S from oil refining and other industrial processes.”
-I'm removing this sentence because it is a direct quote from the source. Please try and avoid using direct quotes. You can paraphrase this quote and replace this sentence.
Ruthenium is not an element that everyone knows, which is unfortunate because it is so cool to learn about.
Ruthenium (completely edited article)
Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is interesting to learn about. Ruthenium was identified by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844. Its atomic number is 44 and the atomic weight is 101.07. Ruthenium is a hard, white transition metal. Ruthenium can be attacked by halogens and hydroxides. Ruthenium is found in the Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa. Ruthenium is not only a cool element, but it also has a good use. Ruthenium is not an element that everyone knows, which is unfortunate because it is so cool to learn about.
Ruthenium (unedited article)
Ruthenium, an element on the periodic table, is very interesting to learn about. Ruthenium was created by Karl Ernst Klaus in 1844. Its atomic number is 44 and the atomic weight is 101.07. Ruthenium is a hard, white transition metal. Ruthenium can be attacked by halogens and hydroxides. Ruthenium is found in Ural Mountains, North and South America, and South Africa. Not only that, Ruthenium can not only be a cool element; but also a good use. Ruthenium can “split hydrogen sulfide (H2S) through light, using an aqueous suspension of cadmium sulfide (CdS) particles loaded with ruthenium dioxide. This ability could help to remove of H2S from oil refining and other industrial processes.” Ruthenium is not an element that everyone knows, which is unfortunate because it is so cool to learn about.
Source: https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.livescience.com/34836-ruthenium.html
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Protesting Successful
Recent protests in Hong Kong and Sudan were successful.
-Added “recent” to contextualize for the reader what you will be writing about.
-Changed China to Hong Kong. Although Hong Kong is considered a part of China, I think it’s more accurate here to say Hong Kong; Protesting in China and Sudan were successful.
In Sudan, people have been protesting since 2018 because of the food prices.
In April, their president, Omar al-Bashir, was forced out because of the protests.
However, protesters weren’t happy when the army leaders took over.
As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, although not all.
-Changed the wording of “not all though” to “although not all.” “Although” is a more concise way of saying “not all”, and it sounds like a more complete phrase; As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, not all though.
The army leaders decided to share power with the people.
-Removed the direct quote because I wanted to make sure that you were just paraphrasing; The army leaders decided, “to share power with people from the protest movement.”
In Hong Kong, people were protesting over a bill that was passed.
‘’’In early June, people didn’t agree to allowing the government to send people suspected of crimes to China.’’’
The protesting was strong and long, so the government decided not to pass it.
Protesting Successful (completely edited article)
Recent protests in Hong Kong and Sudan were successful. In Sudan, people have been protesting since 2018 because of the food prices. In April, their president, Omar al-Bashir, was forced out because of the protests. However, protesters weren’t happy when the army leaders took over. As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, although not all. The army leaders decided to share power with the people. In Hong Kong, people were protesting over a bill that was passed. In early June, people didn’t agree to allowing the government to send people suspected of crimes to China. The protesting was strong and long, so the government decided not to pass it.
Protesting Successful (unedited article)
Protesting in China and Sudan were successful. In Sudan, people have been protesting since 2018 because of the food prices. In April, their president, Omar al-Bashir, was forced out because of the protests. However, protesters weren’t happy when the army leaders took over. As protesting continued, one by one army leaders left, not all though. The army leaders decided, “to share power with people from the protest movement. ” In Hong Kong, people were protesting over a bill that was passed. In early June, people didn’t agree to allowing the government to send people suspected of crimes to China. The protesting was strong and long, so the government decided not to pass it.
Source: https://newsforkids.net/articles/2019/07/10/protesters-in-sudan-hong-kong-are-successful/
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Sometimes, annoying noises are good for purposes
-Capitalized the title. Also changed to "for good purposes."
In Europe, there are many electric cars.
-Added "many" to make the sentence a little less broad; In Europe, there are electric cars.
However, some electrical cars don’t make any sounds.
The bad part about that is there are going to be more car accidents.
The noises give information about the location and speed of the car; however, without it there would be no valid information.
-Added "of the car" to add some context. Great sentence!; The noises give information about the location and speed; however, without it there would be no valid information.
Many people tend to like noiseless cars because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize there are unpleasant consequences.
-"Noiseless" is a more concise way to say "no noise." I also added "cars" to make it more clear that you are referring to car noises.
-Changed "their" to "there are"; Many people tend to like no noises because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize their unpleasant consequences.
The noises are beneficial for blind people because they will be able to at least locate the car.
Therefore, adding noises to electric cars is beneficial to many people.
-Added "to many people" to specify who it is beneficial for; Therefore, adding noises to the electric cars is beneficial.
Sometimes, Annoying Noises Are For Good Purposes (completely edited article)
In Europe, there are many electric cars. However, some electrical cars don’t make any noise. The bad part about that is there are going to be more car accidents. The noises give information about the location and speed of the car; however, without it there would be no valid information. Many people tend to like noiseless cars because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize there are unpleasant consequences. The noises are beneficial for blind people because they will be able to at least locate the car. Therefore, adding noises to electric cars is beneficial for many people.
Sometimes, annoying noises are good for purposes (unedited article)
In Europe, there are electric cars. However, some electrical cars don’t make any sounds. The bad part about that is there are going to be more car accidents. The noises give information about the location and speed; however, without it there would be no valid information. Many people tend to like no noises because it is quiet and peaceful, but they need to realize their unpleasant consequences. The noises are beneficial for blind people because they will be able to at least locate the car. Therefore, adding noises to the electric cars is beneficial.
Source: https://newsforkids.net/articles/2019/07/04/electric-cars-in-europe-must-make-noise/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— National Ice Cream Month Has Begun
July is official National Ice Cream Month.
-Capitalized “National Ice Cream Month” because it is a proper noun; July is the official national ice cream month.
The tradition was started in 1984 by US president Ronald Reagan to appreciate ice cream’s taste and qualities.
-Reworded some of the sentence to make it a more complete thought; The tradition was started in 1984 by past US president Ronald Reagan, appreciating the taste and qualities.
There is no origin of ice cream, but some believe it originated from the Persians.
-Changed “few” to “some.” “Few” implies that not that many people believe the Persians were the first to make ice cream. “Some” implies that there are some people who do believe it; There is no origin of ice cream, but few believe it originated from the Persians.
The first milk-based ice cream came from China's Tang Dynasty.’’’
However, the Arabs are credited for making the first modern-day ice cream.
Ice cream soon expanded to Europe in the 16th century and not to the US until 1744.
-Deleted the commas around “ice cream soon.”
-Moved “not” to be before “US.” This places greater emphasis on the fact that the US was introduced to ice cream relatively late; Ice cream, soon, expanded to Europe in the 16th century and to the US not until 1744.
The best part of ice cream are the flavors.
-The plural form of “ice cream” is generally written as “ice cream”, so I altered the sentence to reflect that.
There are so many different kinds of flavors; it represents different personalities too.
For example, mint chocolate chip represents an argumentative personality.
In conclusion, July is a great month to think about, eat and enjoy ice cream.
-Added “about”; In conclusion, July is a great month to think about, eat and enjoy ice cream.
National Ice Cream Month Has Begun (completely edited article)
July is official National Ice Cream Month. The tradition was started in 1984 by US president Ronald Reagan, appreciating the taste and qualities. There is no origin of ice cream, but some believe it originated from the Persians. The first milk-based ice cream came from China's Tang Dynasty. However, the Arabs are credited for making the first modern-day ice cream. Ice cream soon expanded to Europe in the 16th century and not to the US until 1744. The best part of ice cream is the flavors. There are so many different kinds of flavors; it represents different personalities too. For example, mint chocolate chip represents an argumentative personality. In conclusion, July is a great month to think about, eat and enjoy ice cream.
NATIONAL ICE CREAM HAS BEGUN (unedited article)
July is the official national ice cream month. The tradition was started in 1984 by past US president Ronald Reagan, appreciating the taste and qualities. There is no origin of ice cream, but few believe it originated from the Persians. The first milk-based ice cream came from China's Tang Dynasty. However, the Arabs are credited for making the first modern-day ice cream. Ice cream, soon, expanded to Europe in the 16th century and to the US not until 1744. The best part of ice creams is the flavors. There are so many different kinds of flavors; it represents different personalities too. For example, mint chocolate chip represents an argumentative personality. In conclusion, July is the great month to think, eat and enjoy ice cream.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/7/6/national-ice-cream-month-has-begun
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Unfair Treatment
Jaroslav Bobrowski, an Ironman triathlete, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant.
He was banned because he ate too much.
According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is on a special diet in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full.
-"On" is a better word to use here than "in"; According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is in a special diet, in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full.
Passauer Neue Presse, the owner of the restaurant, said he ate for five people.
He found this abnormal, so he banned Mr. Bobrowski from his store.
-"Abnormal" is a different and more concise way of saying "not normal."
-Deleted "and" and "the" because they were unnecessary in this sentence; He found this not normal, and so he banned the Mr. Bobrowski from his store.
He didn't even let Mr. Bobrowski tip the waiter that helped him.
-"Didn't even" is a more natural sounding phrase than "even didn't."
-Deleted "pay" and "to." It's sufficient to just say "tip the waiter" as "tip" can be used as a verb, like in this case; He even didn’t let Mr. Bobrowski pay tip to the waiter that helped him.
Although people might eat beyond an average person, they shouldn’t judge them and kick them out.
-This sentence is an opinion and is not contained within the article. Please rewrite this sentence to paraphrase something else from the article that can help you wrap up your paragraph. Great work overall!
Unfair Treatment (edited)
Jaroslav Bobrowski, an Ironman triathlete, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. He was banned because he ate too much. According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is on a special diet in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full. Passauer Neue Presse, the owner of the restaurant, said he ate for five people. He found this abnormal, so he banned Mr. Bobrowski from his store. He didn't even let Mr. Bobrowski tip the waiter that helped him. Although people might eat beyond an average person, they shouldn’t judge them and kick them out.
Unfair Treatment (original)
Jaroslav Bobrowski, an Ironman triathlete, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant. He was banned because he ate too much. According to Mr. Bobrowski, he is in a special diet, in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats until he’s full. Passauer Neue Presse, the owner of the restaurant, said he ate for five people. He found this not normal, and so he banned the Mr. Bobrowski from his store. He even didn’t let Mr. Bobrowski pay tip to the waiter that helped him. Although people might eat beyond an average person, they shouldn’t judge them and kick them out.
Source: https://www.thelocal.de/20180914/german-triathlete-banned-from-all-you-can-eat-sushi-restaurant-for-eating-too-much ————————————————-
National Donut Day is Coming!
-I changed "COMING" to "Coming" just to keep the headline more professional.
-Changed "Doughnut" to "Donut." "Doughnut" is a valid way to spell it, but I just changed it to "donut" because that's the way the author from the source article spells it; National Doughnut Day is Coming!
National Donut Day is on June 7th.
-Changed "Doughnut" to "Donut"; National Doughnut Day is on June 7th.
The history behind this holiday goes back to World War I, when Salvation Army went to assist US troops.
-Changed the structure of this sentence. By putting the historical context first (World War I), it better orients the reader; The history behind this holiday is Salvation Army workers who went to assist US troops during World War I (WWI).
When the "Donut Girls," arrived in France in 1917, they found the soldiers were miserable.
To try to cheer them up, they planned to make donuts with flour, sugar, and oil.
-Changed "the Salvation Army" to "they." It is not the organization as a whole that planned to make donuts, it was the workers in particular. "They" is a more accurate and simple way to refer to them. Great sentence overall!; To try to cheer them up, the Salvation Army planned to make doughnuts with flour, sugar, and oil.
One of the workers, Margaret Sheldon, convinced a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter using the top of a condensed milk can.
-Added "One of the workers, Margaret Sheldon" in order to provide context for the reader. When first introducing someone in a piece of writing, try and refer to them by their first name. After that first reference, you can only refer to them by their last name if you choose.
-Changed some of the wording of the sentence because it was too close to the original source material. Try to avoid plagiarism!; Sheldon soon managed to convince a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter, using the top of a condensed milk can to make a donut with a hole in it.
Soon, the treat was done and they were called the “doughboys,” afterward.
Celebrating this day, there are many promotions, deals, and giveaways happening in 20 different countries.
-Good paragraph overall! Keep up the good work.
National Doughnut Day is COMING!
The national doughnut day is on June 7th. An average American eats 31 doughnuts every year. The history behind this holiday is Salvation Army workers who went to assist US troops during World War I (WWI). When the "Donut Girls," arrived in France in 1917, they found the soldiers were miserable. To try to cheer them up, the Salvation Army planned to make doughnuts with flour, sugar, and oil. Sheldon soon managed to convince a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter, using the top of a condensed milk can to make a donut with a hole in it. Soon, the treat was done and they were called the “doughboys,” afterward. Celebrating this day, there are many promotions, deals, and giveaways happening in 20 different countries.
National Donut Day is Coming!
National Donut Day is on June 7th. An average American eats 31 doughnuts every year. The history behind this holiday goes back to World War I, when Salvation Army went to assist US troops. When the "Donut Girls," arrived in France in 1917, they found the soldiers were miserable. To try to cheer them up, they planned to make donuts with flour, sugar, and oil. One of the workers, Margaret Sheldon, convinced a French blacksmith to design a makeshift donut cutter using the top of a condensed milk can. Soon, the treat was done and they were called the “doughboys,” afterward. Celebrating this day, there are many promotions, deals, and giveaways happening in 20 different countries.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/31/national-donut-day-is-just-a-week-away
————————————————
New Restrictive Abortion Laws
-Changed the headline to specify which laws you're talking about, as well as what they are doing.
The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other circumstances.
-Changed "actions" to "circumstances." "Circumstances" better encapsulates the various conditions that may lead a woman to seeking out an abortion; The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other actions.
Non-complying doctors will be charged with criminal penalties, and the state can send them to prison for up to 15 years.
-This is a well-written sentence but I'm not sure where you got this information from. There is nothing about this in the source article. Please stick to paraphrasing your source.
The votes were 24-10 by the Republican supermajority.
-Again, this is a well-written sentence but I don't know where this information comes from. Please only paraphrase from the source.
These restrictive abortion laws are not only going to be in effect in Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio, and Kentucky.
-Deleted "However, this." "This" would be better to use in reference to a single law. Because you're talking about several different laws, "these" is a better word here.
-Changed "are" to "were." This better reflects the fact that these laws have not gone into complete effect yet, but they will.
-Changed "used by" to "in effect." Although "used" is technically correct here, "in effect" better captures the fact that these laws will soon be put in use, but they haven't yet; However, this restrictive abortion laws were not only going to used by Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio, and Kentucky.
This will also be used as another possible reason to restrict Roe V. Wade, which the Supreme Court will decide upon.
-Changed "will be also" to "also be used."
-Changed "legal vehicle" to "reason." I believe you are trying to say that the law will be a point of debate within the Supreme Court, causing them to have to make a new decision. "Legal vehicle" is a little confusing here, so "reason" works best.
-Added "restrict." The phrase "legal vehicle to the Roe V Wade case" doesn't specify what could actually happen to Roe. The law could potentially restrict or destroy it.
-Changed "before" to "which." Roe V. Wade won't end unless the Supreme Court decides to do so. "Which" better reflects that this decision will take place sometime in the near future.
-Changed "speaks" to "will speak." Because their ruling hasn't happened yet, I changed it to be in the future tense; This will be also served as another possible legal vehicle to the Roe V Wade case, before the Supreme Court speaks about this.
Depending on the Supreme Court's decision, they can overturn this bill or pass it to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill.
-Changed "Supreme Court" to "Supreme Court's decision." Because the Supreme Court is performing an action, it can be specified that they are making a decision.
-Changed "this" to "it." Try to avoid repeating "this" too much. If it is repeated multiple times in a sentence, it can become vague and a little confusing.
-I am not sure where you got this information. It's not in the source article. Again, please stick to just paraphrasing your source; Depending on the Supreme court, they can overturn this bill, or pass this to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill.
M’Evie Mead, director of policy and organizing for Planned Parenthood Advocates in Missouri, said “ Politicians are putting the health and lives of Missouri women at risk in their race to make sure our state the one that overturns Roe v. Wade at the Supreme Court. These bans on safe, legal abortion will have real costs for the women and families who need reproductive health care.
-This fact is not anywhere in your source article. In addition, you should not directly quote your source, as you are paraphrasing. Please, please stick to paraphrasing your source. I deleted this sentence.
Many emotions ran through the night, and many protests happened in the day.
-Changed "protesting" to "protests." Because you don't specify who is doing the protesting, using the verb "protesting" is a little confusing.
This information is not present anywhere in the source article. Please try and avoid plagiarism; Many emotions ran through the night, and many protesting happened in the day.
The New Law
The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other actions. Non-complying doctors will be charged with criminal penalties, and the state can send them to prison for up to 15 years. The votes were 24-10 by the Republican supermajority. However, this restrictive abortion laws were not only going to be used by Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio and Kentucky. This will be also served as another possible legal vehicle to the Roe v Wade case, before the Supreme Court speaks about this. Depending on the Supreme Court, they can overturn this bill, or pass this to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill. M’Evie Mead, director of policy and organizing for Planned Parenthood Advocates in Missouri, said “ Politicians are putting the health and lives of Missouri women at risk in their race to make sure our state the one that overturns Roe v. Wade at the Supreme Court. These bans on safe, legal abortion will have real costs for the women and families who need reproductive health care.” Many emotions ran through the night, and many protesting happened in the day.
New Abortion Laws
The Missouri Senate voted to ban abortions eight weeks into pregnancy, even in cases of rape and other circumstances. Non-complying doctors will be charged with criminal penalties, and the state can send them to prison for up to 15 years. These restrictive abortion laws are not only going to be in effect in Alabama, but also Georgia, Ohio and Kentucky. This will also be used as another possible reason to restrict Roe V. Wade, which the Supreme Court will speak about. Depending on the Supreme Court's decision, they can overturn this bill or pass it to Governor Mike Parson to sign the bill. Many emotions ran through the night, and many protests happened in the day.
Source: https://apple.news/Avijsj6YQRw6gzZ7IeXf7Vg
-Note: please try and change your source to more accurately reflect the content of your original paragraph.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Edits for: Matthew
Air force's Secretive X-37B Spaceplane Completes it's 718th Day in Orbit
The X-37B Spaceplane is a secretive Air Force spacecraft that can enter the upper atmosphere and return to Earth by landing on a runway.
-"Air Force" and "Earth" are capitalized because they are proper nouns; The X-37B Spaceplane is a secretive Air force aircraft that can enter the upper atmosphere and return to earth by landing on a runway.
The X-37B space plane is launched into orbit by being attached to external rockets that detach when the craft enters the upper atmosphere.
Once there, the X-37B is ready to conduct its experiment or test, then return back to Earth and touch down horizontally on a runway.
-Changed "it's" to the correct usage "its." Also capitalized "Earth" because it is a proper noun; Once there, the X-37B is ready to conduct it's experiment or test, then return back to earth and touch down horizontally on a runway.
The X-37B is a new form of spacecraft that can be reused and can conduct experiments in space.
-Replaced "this new 'space plane' with "the X-37B." This is to avoid directly quoting the article and is more concise; This new "Space plane" is a new form of spacecraft that can be reused and can conduct experiments in space.
However, some people suspect that these experiments are tests for spying equipment, or even orbital weaponry.
-Rephrased "the experiments conducted in space" to "these experiments" for conciseness. Because you mentioned the experiments in the previous sentence, it doesn't have to be mentioned again in the same words; However some people suspect that the experiments conducted in space are tests for spying equipment, or even orbital weaponry.
However we all know those are all only speculations that have a low probability of actually being true.
-Rephrased the sentence. This is to avoid putting your personal opinion into the article, as well as to avoid generalizations ("we all know"); However we all know those are all only speculations that have a low probability of actually being true.
Air Force's Secretive X-37B Spaceplane Completes Its 718th Day In Orbit (completely edited article)
The X-37B Spaceplane is a secretive Air Force spacecraft that can enter the upper atmosphere and return to Earth by landing on a runway. The X-37B space plane is launched into orbit by being attached to external rockets that detach when the craft enters the upper atmosphere. Once there, the X-37B is ready to conduct its experiment or test, then return back to Earth and touch down horizontally on a runway. The X-37B is a new form of spacecraft that can be reused and can conduct experiments in space. However, some people suspect that these experiments are tests for spying equipment, or even orbital weaponry. As of now, these are all only speculations.
Air force's Secretive X-37B Spaceplane Completes it's 718th Day in Orbit (unedited article)
The X-37B Spaceplane is a secretive Air force aircraft that can enter the upper atmosphere and return to earth by landing on a runway. The X-37B space plane is launched into orbit by being attached to external rockets that detach when the craft enters the upper atmosphere. Once there, the X-37B is ready to conduct it's experiment or test, then return back to earth and touch down horizontally on a runway. This new "Space plane" is a new form of spacecraft that can be reused and can conduct experiments in space. However some people suspect that the experiments conducted in space are tests for spying equipment, or even orbital weaponry. However we all know those are all only speculations that have a low probability of actually being true.
Source: https://www.cnn.com/2019/08/27/tech/x-37b-air-force-space-plane-days-in-space-scn-trnd/index.html
Article#57
New Neutrino Gun Could reveal the smallest particle in the Universe
Neutrino particles, first theorized by Wolfgang Pauli, are extremely small and little information is actually available to accurately find or describe how much mass they have.
However, with new technology and discoveries, physicists believe they can fill in the gaps of information about the little known neutrino particles.
Three new devices have been created to expand our knowledge of the particles: DUNE, Super-K, and PINGU.
-Added “the” before “particles.” This makes it more clear that you’re specifically talking about neutrino particles, and not all particles; Three new devices have been created, or will be created, to expand our knowledge of particles: DUNE , Super-K, and PINGU.
DUNE stands for "Deep Underground Neutrino Experiment" and has a detector placed nearly a mile underground that consists of 40,000 tons of liquid argon.
The Super-K is a newer version of the Hyper-K and relies on the extremely rare chance of a neutrino hitting a water particle.
-Replaced “a” with “the” to make the sentence more cohesive; The Super-K is a newer version of the Hyper-K and relies on a extremely rare chance of a neutrino hitting a water particle.
When this happens, it causes a flash of bluish light called Cerenkov Radiation and the Super-K observes this reaction to understand the particle.
-Deleted “neutrino” to avoid repetition; When this happens, it causes a flash of bluish light called Cerenkov Radiation and the Super-K observes this reaction to understand the neutrino particle.
Finally, the PINGU, or Precision IceCube Next Generation Upgrade, is stationed in the South Pole and consists of a string of detectors buried into the ice sheet.
-Capitalized South Pole because it is a proper noun; Finally, the PINGU, or Precision IceCube Next Generation Upgrade, is stationed in the south pole and consists of a string of detectors buried into the ice sheet.
PINGU is the next step of the original IceCube experiment by adding more detectors to the IceCube network so it can detect more Neutrino particles within the ice.
New Neutrino Gun Could Reveal the Smallest Particle in the Universe (completely edited article)
Neutrino particles, first theorized by Wolfgang Pauli, are extremely small and little information is actually available to accurately find or describe how much mass they have. However, with new technology and discoveries, physicists believe that they can fill in the gaps of information about the little known neutrino particles. Three new devices have been created to expand our knowledge of particles: DUNE , Super-K, and PINGU. DUNE stands for "Deep Underground Neutrino Experiment" and has a detector placed nearly a mile underground that consists of 40,000 tons of liquid argon. The Super-K is a newer version of the Hyper-K and relies on the extremely rare chance of a neutrino hitting a water particle. When this happens, it causes a flash of bluish light called Cerenkov Radiation and the Super-K observes this reaction to understand the particle. Finally, the PINGU, or Precision IceCube Next Generation Upgrade, is stationed in the South Pole and consists of a string of detectors buried into the ice sheet. PINGU is the next step of the original IceCube experiment by adding more detectors to the IceCube network so it can detect more Neutrino particles within the ice.
New Neutrino Guns Could reveal the smallest particle in the universe (unedited article)
Neutrino particles, first theorized by Wolfgang Pauli, are extremely small and little information is actually available to accurately find or describe how much mass they have. However with new technology and discoveries, physicists believe that they can fill in the gaps of information about the little known Neutrino particles. Three new devices have been created, or will be created, to expand our knowledge of particles: DUNE , Super-K, and PINGU. DUNE stands for "Deep Underground Neutrino Experiment" and has a detector placed nearly a mile underground that consists of of 40,000 tons of liquid argon. The Super-K is a newer version of the Hyper-K and relies on a extremely rare chance of a neutrino hitting a water particle. When this happens, it causes a flash of bluish light called Cerenkov Radiation and the Super-K observes this reaction to understand the neutrino particle. Finally, the PINGU, or Precision IceCube Next Generation Upgrade, is stationed in the south pole and consists of a string of detectors buried into the ice sheet. PINGU is the next step of the original IceCube experiment by adding more detectors to the IceCube network so it can detect more Neutrino particles within the ice.
Source: https://www.livescience.com/neutrino-experiments-dune-hyperk-pingu.html —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Article#56
Russian Robot Being Sent to the International Space Station
Recently, the Russian space company Roscosmos, has confirmed that they will send a humanoid robot to the International Space Station.
This robot, Skybot F-850—or Fedor—is meant to perform simple tasks on board the ISS.
-Added an em dash. Using the em dash reduces the uses of commas, which makes the sentence look cleaner.
-Deleted "called." It's not necessary in this sentence; This robot called Skybot F-850, or Fedor, is meant to perform simple tasks on board of the ISS.
However, even before this announcement, Fedor gained attention on the internet when director general of Rosocosmos released a video of it shooting guns.
Rosocosmos then stated that they were not making a terminator, but artificial intelligence that is skilled in various fields.
Fedor is also the first step of Rosocosmos' goal to send robots to the moon so human lives would not be in danger.
In the future, robots like Fedor could could be commonplace in space and perform tasks too dangerous for human astronauts.
Russian Robot Being Sent to International Space Station (completely edited article)
Recently, the Russian space company, Roscosmos, has confirmed that they will send a humanoid robot to the International Space Station. This robot, Skybot F-850—or Fedor—is meant to perform simple tasks on board the ISS. However, even before this announcement, Fedor gained attention on the internet when director general of Rosocosmos released a video of it shooting guns. Rosocosmos then stated that they were not making a terminator, but artificial intelligence that is skilled in various fields. Fedor is also the first step of Rosocosmos' goal to send robots to the moon so human lives would not be in danger. In the future, robots like Fedor could could be commonplace in space and perform tasks too dangerous for human astronauts.
Russian Robot Being Sent to International Space Station (unedited article)
Recently, the Russian space company, Roscosmos, has confirmed that they will send a humanoid robot to the International Space Station. This robot called Skybot F-850, or Fedor, is meant to perform simple tasks on board of the ISS. However, even before this announcement, Fedor gained attention on the internet when director general of Rosocosmos released a video of it shooting guns. Rosocosmos then stated that they were not making a terminator, but artificial intelligence that is skilled in various fields. Fedor is also the first step of Rosocosmos' goal to send robots to the moon so human lives would not be in danger. In the future, robots like Fedor could could be a commonplace in space and perform tasks too dangerous for human astronauts.
Source: https://www.newsweek.com/russia-space-bot-ai-iss-fedor-roscosmos-1454330 —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Article#55
Rising Interest in A.I
Recently, A.I has started to peak the interest of multiple industries and companies.
A.I is being used to make jobs easier, whether it's a simple job of delivering a package or even being deployed on the battlefield.
-"It's" is the right use here because it is an abbreviated version of "it is"; A.I is being used to make jobs easier, whether its a simple job of delivering a package, or even being deployed on the battlefield.
We only started to experiment with A.I a few years ago, but that does not stop our conquest to perfect A.I.
-Deleted "yet we" and "however." The framing is a bit awkward, and the phrases can be cut out; Yet we only started to experiment with A.I only a few years ago, however that does not stop our conquest to perfect A.I .
However, new uses of A.I are very different than their original purpose.
-Rephrased the sentence. Rephrased "of what their original purpose was." "Than" is a more concise way of getting your point across. Also
-Deleted "our" because it wasn't necessary in this sentence; However, our new uses of A.I are very different of what their original purpose was.
The original plan for A.I was to see if a machine could think and reason.
IBM's "Deep Blue" is an example of what A.I's original purpose was since the Deep Blue's A.I used reasoning to win a game of chess.
-Changed "uses" to "used." Since you're talking about something that happened in the past, I changed "uses" to the past tense; IBM's "Deep Blue" is an example of what A.I's original purpose was since the Deep Blue's A.I uses reasoning to win a game of chess.
All in all, A.I has exploded in popularity, but it has strayed from its original purpose.
-Changed "it's" to "its." "Its" is the better word to use here because it's possessive: "original purpose" belongs to the pronoun A.I. It's, on the other hand, is just a contraction for "it is"; All in all, A.I has exploded in popularity, but it has strayed from it's original purpose.
Rising Interest in A.I. (completely edited article)
Recently, A.I has started to peak the interest of multiple industries and companies. A.I is being used to make jobs easier, whether it's a simple job of delivering a package or even being deployed on the battlefield. We only started to experiment with A.I only a few years ago, but that does not stop our conquest to perfect A.I. However, new uses of A.I are very different than their original purpose. The original plan for A.I was to see if a machine could think and reason. IBM's "Deep Blue" is an example of what A.I's original purpose was since the Deep Blue's A.I used reasoning to win a game of chess. All in all, A.I has exploded in popularity, but it has strayed from its original purpose.
Rising Interest in A.I. (unedited article)
Recently, A.I has started to peak the interest of multiple industries and companies. A.I is being used to make jobs easier, whether its a simple job of delivering a package, or even being deployed on the battlefield. Yet we only started to experiment with A.I only a few years ago, however that does not stop our conquest to perfect A.I . However, our new uses of A.I are very different of what their original purpose was. The original plan for A.I was to see if a machine could think and reason. IBM's "Deep Blue" is an example of what A.I's original purpose was since the Deep Blue's A.I uses reasoning to win a game of chess. All in all, A.I has exploded in popularity, but it has strayed from it's original purpose.
Article#54
Virtual Universe Helps Expand our Knowledge of the True Universe
Researchers from the University of Arizona don't just observe space, they simulate it.
By using a supercomputer, they're able to simulate the creation of galaxies based on what they have observed already.
-Changed "we" to "they" because you are referring to the researchers; By using a supercomputer, they're able to simulate the creation of galaxies based on what we have observed already.
'Their goal is to find the galaxies the computer simulates that most closely match their real life counterpart.
-Small note: try to limit the use of "that." It's usually a filler word; Their goal is to find the galaxies ,that the computer simulates, that most closely match their real life counterpart.
This approach can help researchers see how galaxies evolve in addition to simulating other events within a galaxy.
-Added "in addition to simulating." This improves the coherency in the sentence and the connection between ideas (seeing how galaxies evolve and observing other events within the galaxy); This approach can help researchers see how galaxies evolve and simulate other events within a galaxy.
It will take decades or centuries to perfect the simulation of galaxies; yet researchers still use anything that can help their research and understanding of the universe.
-Reworded some of the sentence for cohesion and clarity. Added a semicolon to help transition your sentence and make the ideas flow more coherently. Also removed some filler words.
-Changed "take" to "use." "Use" implies greater agency on the part of the researchers, and is more active than "take"; However, it would take almost decades, or centuries to perfect the simulation of galaxies, yet researchers still take anything that can help their research and their understanding of the universe
Virtual Universe Helps Expand Our Knowledge of the True Universe (completely edited article)
Researchers from the University of Arizona don't just observe space, they simulate it. By using a supercomputer, they're able to simulate the creation of galaxies based on what they have observed already. Their goal is to find the galaxies the computer simulates that most closely match their real life counterpart. This approach can help researchers see how galaxies evolve in addition to simulating other events within a galaxy. It will take decades or centuries to perfect the simulation of galaxies; yet researchers still use anything that can help their research and understanding of the universe.
Virtual Universe Helps Expand Our Knowledge of the True Universe (unedited article)
Researchers from the University of Arizona don't just observe space, they simulate it. By using a supercomputer, they're able to simulate the creation of galaxies based on what we have observed already. Their goal is to find the galaxies ,that the computer simulates, that most closely match their real life counterpart. This approach can help researchers see how galaxies evolve and simulate other events within a galaxy. However, it would take almost decades, or centuries to perfect the simulation of galaxies, yet researchers still take anything that can help their research and their understanding of the universe
Source: https://www.engadget.com/2019/08/11/supercomputer-creates-millions-of-virtual-universes/ –––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– Article#53
Nearby earth-like planet can host life—or can it?
-Replaced the comma with an em dash. It provides the necessary pause that the title is supposed to have; Nearby earth-like planet can host life, or can it?
NASA's new Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite (TESS for short) has made recent discoveries of a planet with three suns, and a sun with three planets.
Now it has discovered a new planet titled "GJ 357 d."
It was identified after the TESS found the star astronomers call "GJ 357".
-Changed "found" to "identified." "Identified" is a good synonym for "found." It also avoids repeating "found" twice in the same sentence; It was found after the TESS found the star astronomers call "GJ 357".
It has been observed to be within the star's habitable zone, mainly the area Mars would be.
However, the planet has to be observed more to confirm that it has a dense atmosphere hot enough for water to melt.
-Deleted "the planet itself" and "on the planet." It is clear that the subject of the sentence is the "planet", so these two phrases are not needed here.
-Reworded for a more active construction. "Hot" is a more concise way of saying "have enough heat" (which is passive), and it conveys the same idea; However, the planet has to be observed more to confirm that the planet itself has a dense atmosphere to have enough heat for water to melt on the planet.
Given the possibility that the planet has no atmosphere, it would be an average of -64 degrees Fahrenheit and is believed to have around 6.1 times the mass of earth.
In addition to planet GJ 357 d, two more exoplanets, GJ 357 b and GJ357 c, have been discovered.
GJ 357 b is a particular interest for the astronomers because of it's compatibility with the testing materials the astronomers possess.
-Cut this sentence to conform to the sentence constraints. It also wasn't as necessary to your overall article.
Life, however, cannot be present on GJ 357 due to its average 490 degrees of surface temperature.
-Added commas to "life however"; Life however, cannot be present on GJ 357 due to it's average 490 degrees of surface temperature.
The other planet, GJ 357 c, has been noted to circle it's star around every 9.1 days and possess a surface temperature of 240 degrees.
-Cut this sentence to conform to the structure, and it wasn't as necessary.
Nearby Earth-Like Planet Can Host Life—Or Can It? (completely edited article)
NASA's new Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite (TESS for short) has made recent discoveries of a planet with three suns, and a sun with three planets. Now it has discovered a new planet titled "GJ 357 d." It was identified after the TESS found the star astronomers call "GJ 357." It has been observed to be within the star's habitable zone, mainly the area Mars would be. However, the planet has to be observed more to confirm that it has a dense atmosphere hot enough for water to melt. Given the possibility that the planet has no atmosphere, it would be an average of -64 degrees Fahrenheit and is believed to have around 6.1 times the mass of earth. In addition to planet GJ 357 d, two more exoplanets, GJ 357 b and GJ357 c, have been discovered. Life, however, cannot be present on GJ 357 due to its average 490 degrees of surface temperature.
Nearby earth-like planet can host life, or can it? (unedited article)
NASA's new Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite (TESS for short) has made recent discoveries of a planet with three suns, and a sun with three planets. Now it has now discovered a new planet titled "GJ 357 d". It was found after the TESS found the star astronomers call "GJ 357". It has been observed to be within the star's habitable zone, mainly the area Mars would be. However, the planet has to be observed more to confirm that the planet itself has a dense atmosphere to have enough heat for water to melt on the planet. Given the possibility that the planet has no atmosphere, it would be an average of -64 degrees Fahrenheit and believed to have around 6.1 times the mass of earth. In addition to planet GJ 357 d, two more exoplanets, GJ 357 b and GJ357 c, have been discovered. GJ 357 b is a particular interest for the astronomers because of it's compatibility with the testing materials the astronomers possess. Life however, cannot be present on GJ 357 due to it's average 490 degrees of surface temperature. The other planet, GJ 357 c, has been noted to circle it's star around every 9.1 days and possess a surface temperature of 240 degrees.
Source: https://www.foxnews.com/science/super-earth-habitable-nasa
Article#52
The unknown speed of the universe
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Nearly a century ago, Edwin Hubble wanted to find out how fast the universe was expanding.
-Changed "is" to "was" to keep the past tense consistent; Nearly a century ago, Edwin Hubble wanted to find out how fast the universe is expanding.
Yet even today we have no idea.
Today, cosmologists have studied the "cosmic microwave background", which is light from the "early universe".
-Please rephrase this sentence to not include direct quotes from the source material.
This light is considered to be from an estimated 380,000 years after the big bang occurred.
Cosmologists who have researched or used light to estimate the rate of expansion of the universe have discovered that every 3.26 million light-years, the universe expansion rate is 67 kilometers per second faster than the last.
-Rephrased the sentence for cohesion and deleted some unnecessary words; Cosmologists that have researched or used light to try or even estimate the rate of expansion of the universe have discovered that every 3.26 million light-years, the universe expansion rate is 67 kilometers per second faster than the last.
Several organizations have seen this and observed different aspects of the universe's expansion rate.
-Changed "observe" to "observed" to keep the tense consistent.
Changed "universe" to "universe's." This changes "universe" to a possessive noun; Several organizations have seen this, and observe different aspects of the universe expansion rate.
It has been noted that light can traverse the universe in a number of different ways, each taking a different amount of time.
This revealed some flaws in the method of trying to date the universe by recording light.
-Great paragraph!
The Unknown Speed of the Universe (edited article--needs student revision on one sentence)
Nearly a century ago, Edwin Hubble wanted to find out how fast the universe is expanding. Yet even today we have no idea. Today, cosmologists have studied the "cosmic microwave background", which is light from the "early universe". This light is considered to be from an estimated 380,000 years after the big bang occurred. Cosmologists who have researched or used light to estimate the rate of expansion of the universe have discovered that every 3.26 million light-years, the universe expansion rate is 67 kilometers per second faster than the last. Several organizations have seen this and observed different aspects of the universe's expansion rate. It has been noted that light can traverse the universe in a number of different ways, each taking a different amount of time. This revealed some flaws in the method of trying to date the universe by recording light.
The unknown speed of the universe (unedited article)
Nearly a century ago, Edwin Hubble wanted to find out how fast the universe is expanding. Yet even today we have no idea. Today, cosmologists have studied the "cosmic microwave background", which is light from the "early universe". This light is considered to be from an estimated 380,000 years after the big bang occurred. However Cosmologists that have researched or used light to try or even estimate the rate of expansion of the universe have discovered that every 3.26 million light-years, the universe expansion rate is 67 kilometers per second faster than the last. Several organizations have seen this, and observe different aspects of the universe expansion rate. It has been noted that light can traverse the universe in a number of different ways, each taking a different amount of time. This revealed some flaws in the method of trying to date the universe my recording light.
Source: Link: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/hubble-tension-headache-clashing-measurements-make-the-universes-expansion-a-lingering-mystery/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Article#51
Genetic Gamble
With the expansion of human civilization to the farthest reaches of the world, many animal species are now endangered and even extinct due to our actions.
However, scientists have experimented with the idea of adding genetic diversity to help increase the populations of endangered species.
Experiments that were conducted proved that if a new member of of the endangered species was added to the ecosystem the endangered species was originally in, its population would increase.
-Capitalized "experiments."
-Changed "it's" to "its." "It's" is a contraction of "it is", which doesn't work in this sentence. "Its" is the possessive form, which is appropriate here ("its" is referring to the group "population"); experiments that were conducted proved that if a new member of of the endangered species was added to the ecosystem the endangered species was originally in, it's population would increase.
Even with these new ways to restore population, they still do have unintended consequences.
Some of the original species may already have genetic disorders, cancers, and many more diseases that might as well mark the end of the endangered population.
-Excellent paragraph!
Genetic Gamble (completely edited article)
With the expansion of human civilization to the farthest reaches of the world, many animal species are now endangered and even extinct due to our actions. However, scientists have experimented with the idea of adding genetic diversity to help increase the populations of endangered species. Experiments that were conducted proved that if a new member of of the endangered species was added to the ecosystem the endangered species was originally in, its population would increase. Even with these new ways to restore population, they still do have unintended consequences. Some of the original species may already have genetic disorders, cancers, and many more diseases that might as well mark the end of the endangered population.
Genetic Gamble (unedited article)
With the expansion of human civilization to the farthest reaches of the world, many animal species are now endangered and even extinct due to our actions. However, scientists have experimented with the idea of adding genetic diversity to help increase the populations of endangered species. experiments that were conducted proved that if a new member of of the endangered species was added to the ecosystem the endangered species was originally in, it's population would increase. Even with these new ways to restore population, they still do have unintended consequences. Some of the original species may already have genetic disorders, cancers, and many more diseases that might as well mark the end of the endangered population.
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Article#50
NASA Brings Tourists To Space
-Capitalized NASA and the rest of the headline. Good headline otherwise!; Nasa brings tourists to space.
In 2020, NASA plans to bring tourists aboard the International Space Station to live there.
-"International Space Station" is capitalized because it is a proper noun; In 2020, NASA plans to bring tourists aboard the international space station to live there.
Not only will this be an amazing experience, but it will allow NASA to increase its budget.
-Changed "this" to "it" to avoid repetition because you already used it earlier in the sentence.
-Changed "add more to it's" to "increase." This is a more concise way to say the same thing; Not only will this be an amazing experience, but this will allow NASA to add more to it's budget.
NASA also planned for this to inspire more people to dream of traveling to space.
-Changed "planed" to "planned"---typo
-Changed "with the" to "to." "To" is a more direct way of saying that NASA is hoping to encourage future space tourism; NASA also planed for this to inspire more people with the dream of traveling to space.
With this goal, NASA aims to help independent and private companies create the spacecraft of the future.
-Changed "inspiration" to "goal." Private citizens are the ones being inspired, not NASA. NASA is aiming to inspire people, so it is more clear to refer to this as their "goal."
-Changed "plans for" to "aims to help." I replaced "plans" with "aims" to avoid overuse of the word "plans." I also added "to help" in order to better convey NASA's role as a partner in these projects. They are one part of these new space tourism ventures, and "help" better reflects that.
-Deleted "to"; With this inspiration, NASA plans for independent and private companies to create the spacecraft of the future.
NASA plans to be one of many organizations trying to bring people to the stars.
-Changed "Plans" to "plans."
-Changed "companies" to "organizations." NASA is a government agency, so it would not be accurate to refer to it as a company, which implies that it is a private business that makes a profit.
-Changed "reach the the stars" to "trying to bring people to the stars." NASA's goal as a part of the space tourism industry is to bring non-astronauts to outer space, not just to explore space in and of itself. I also added "trying" to emphasize that this is a work in progress and they have future plans, as you noted in earlier sentences; NASA Plans to be one of many companies to reach the stars.
With this new plan from NASA, they are speeding up the process.
-Deleted "one could infer."
-Deleted "just"; With this new plan from NASA, one could infer they are just speeding up the process.
Nasa brings tourists to space
In 2020, NASA plans to bring tourists aboard the international space station to live there. Not only will this be an amazing experience, but this will allow NASA to add more to it's budget. NASA also planed for this to inspire more people with the dream of traveling to space. With this inspiration, NASA plans for independent and private companies to create the spacecraft of the future. NASA Plans to be one of many companies to reach the the stars. With this new plan from NASA, one could infer they are just speeding up the process.
NASA Brings Tourists To Space
In 2020, NASA plans to bring tourists aboard the International Space Station to live there. Not only will this be an amazing experience, but it will allow NASA to increase its budget. NASA also planned for this to inspire more people to dream of traveling to space. With this goal, NASA aims to help independent and private companies create the spacecraft of the future. NASA plans to be one of many organizations trying to bring people to the stars. With this new plan from NASA, they are speeding up the process.
Article#49
People Fear We'll See More Satellites Than Stars
-Capitalized all of the words in the headline; People fear we'll see more satellites than stars.
In a recent SpaceX launch, a total of 60 satellites were launched into space.
-"Space X" is properly titled "SpaceX"; In a recent Space X launch, a total of 60 satellites were launched into space.
This has been part of a project called "Starlink."
-Periods and commas go inside quotation marks
Removed comma after "called"; This has been part of a project called "Starlink".
The Starlink project's goal is to provide internet to all of the Earth; however, the satellites are too bright.
I replaced the comma after "Earth" with a semicolon. A semicolon can help join two independent clauses (sentences that can stand on their own).
-I removed "one problem has recently occurred." This keeps the sentence concise, as the phrase does not need to be included.
I removed "bright, too bright" and replaced it with just "too bright." The original phrase is too close to a direct quote from the source article; The Starlink project's goal is to provide internet to all of the Earth, however one problem has recently occurred, the satellites are bright, too bright.
During the launch, stargazers were not only able to see the satellites, but film them as they entered the upper atmosphere.
This brightness is due to a solar panel on each of the satellites that absorb sunlight; however, they also reflect it back down to Earth.
-Changed "Brightness" to "brightness."
-Deleted "the" before "sunlight."
-Changed the comma after "sunlight" to a semicolon. It is a better way to join this sentence's independent clauses.
-Added a comma after "however."
-Added "back" before "down." This just clarifies that the process is two-way and the satellites are reflecting the same sunlight that is being emitted from Earth; This Brightness is due to a solar panel on each of the satellites that absorb the sunlight, however they also reflect it down to Earth.
Astronomers state that each satellite was as bright as the Northern Star, Polaris.
-"Northern Star" is capitalized because it is a proper noun; Astronomers state that each satellite was as bright as the northern star, Polaris.
SpaceX founder, Elon Musk, stated that the satellites will only be seen after sunset and before sunrise.
-Added "be" before "seen."
-Changed "hours after sunset and sunrise" to "after sunset and before sunrise." The previous phrase is confusing and does not give a clear description of the hours in which the satellites are actually visible. Because they are supposed to be visible in such a small timeframe, it is better to describe them using prepositions; Space X founder, Elon Musk, stated that the satellites will only seen hours after sunset and sunrise.
However, some astronomers estimated that the satellites could be seen during summer nights.
-Good sentence! I just added a comma after "however"; However some astronomers estimated that the satellites could be seen during summer nights.
People fear we'll see more satellites than stars
In a recent Space X launch, a total of 60 satellites were launched into space. This has been part of a project called,"Starlink". The Starlink project's goal is to provide internet to all of the Earth, however one problem has recently occurred, the satellites are bright, too bright. During the launch, stargazers were not only able to see the satellites, but film them as they entered the upper atmosphere. This Brightness is due to a solar panel on each of the satellites that absorb the sunlight, however they also reflect it down to Earth. Astronomers state that each satellite was as bright as the northern star, Polaris. Space X founder, Elon Musk, stated that the satellites will only seen hours after sunset and sunrise. However some astronomers estimated that the satellites could be seen during summer nights.
People Fear We'll See More Satellites Than Stars
In a recent SpaceX launch, a total of 60 satellites were launched into space. This has been part of a project called "Starlink." The Starlink project's goal is to provide internet to all of the Earth; however, the satellites are too bright. During the launch, stargazers were not only able to see the satellites, but film them as they entered the upper atmosphere. This brightness is due to a solar panel on each of the satellites that absorb sunlight; however, they also reflect it back down to Earth. Astronomers state that each satellite was as bright as the Northern Star, Polaris. SpaceX founder, Elon Musk, stated that the satellites will only be seen after sunset and before sunrise. However, some astronomers estimated that the satellites could be seen during summer nights.
Source: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/01/science/starlink-spacex-astronomers.html
Article#48
Planet Shields in Outer Space
-Changed title: capitalize and remove period.
Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have lead to its destruction.
-I changed "destruction of earth" to "its destruction" to avoid repetition; Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have lead to the destruction of earth.
Now, astronomers are trying to find out if this is the same in other solar systems.
-Added a comma after "now"; Now astronomers are trying to find out if this is the same in other solar systems.
So far, they have discovered that planets such as Jupiter have the ability to pull meteors, comets, and asteroids out of their orbits and away from smaller rocky planets.
-Changed "found out" to "discovered" to avoid repetition.
-I changed "such as ours" to "such as Jupiter." "Ours" implies that you mean Earth, which is not the case here.
-Changed "sling shot" to "pull." "Sling shot" is a direct quote from the article, and the reader would have to click on the article to understand what it means.
-Changed "from it's orbit" to "out of the path of." I wanted to make it more clear that the asteroids are not currently in orbit, but are careening towards other planets; So far, they have found out that planets such as ours, have the ability to "sling shot" meteors, comets, and asteroids from it's orbit to smaller rocky planets.
However, unlike our solar system, most solar systems we have discovered have larger planets that closely orbit their sun.
-Changed "orbiting their sun closer than the smaller planets" to "that closely orbit their sun." The previous phrasing was a bit confusing to read and follow. "Closely" is a good adverb to use that helps to describe the main verb: orbiting; However unlike our solar system, most solar systems we have discovered have larger planets orbiting their sun closer than the smaller planets.
This information cannot help us due to the fact that the larger planets in our solar system are farther away from the sun than the smaller planets.
-I deleted this sentence in order to conform the seven sentence structure. It was a well written sentence otherwise!
Thanks to a new detection system researchers can search for planets in other solar systems more accurately.
-Changed "we" to "researchers" in order to specify who is creating and using this technology
-Changed "verify" to "search."
This system involves detecting wobble from stars, which is caused by another planet's gravitational pull.
-This sentence is good! Maybe include a brief phrase or two defining "wobble" would be helpful for the reader.
If the operators believe the wobble is significant, they visually confirm it.
-Deleted "then." I enjoyed reading this summary and learned about something I didn't know about. Good job!
Planet shields in outer space.
Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have lead to the destruction of earth. Now astronomers are trying to find out if this is the same in other solar systems. So far, they have found out that planets such as ours, have the ability to "sling shot" meteors, comets, and asteroids from it's orbit to smaller rocky planets. However unlike our solar system, most solar systems we have discovered have larger planets orbiting their sun closer than the smaller planets. This information cannot help us due to the fact that our solar system has the larger planets orbiting the sun farther than our smaller planets. However, thanks to a new detection system we can verify exo-planets in other solar systems more accurately. This system involves detecting wobble from stars, which is caused by another planet's gravitational pull. Then if the operators believe the wobble is significant, they visually confirm it.
Planet Shields in Outer Space
Astronomers have found out that Jupiter has protected the Earth from asteroids that would have lead to its destruction. Now, astronomers are trying to find out if this is the same in other solar systems. So far, they have discovered that planets such as Jupiter have the ability to pull meteors, comets, and asteroids out of the path of smaller rocky planets. However, unlike our solar system, most solar systems we have discovered contain larger planets that closely orbit their sun. Thanks to a new detection system, researchers can verify exo-planets in other solar systems more accurately. This system involves detecting wobble from stars, which is caused by another planet's gravitational pull. If the operators believe the wobble is significant, they visually confirm it.
Source: https://phys.org/news/2019-05-meteor-magnets-outer-spacestudy-elusive.html
Article#47
Uber & Lyft Drivers Protest Companies
-I changed "Uber & Lyft Protest" to "Uber & Lyft Drivers Protest Companies." This specifies that it is the drivers who are protesting against their employers.
In recent news, Uber and Lyft drivers have begun to protest the companies.
-I changed "begun to boycott" because boycotting isn't the most accurate term to use here. Because they are the employees, they are refusing to work; boycotting usually means it is a customer refusing to buy something from a company.
-I deleted "as a way of protest to say" to avoid repetition and maintain conciseness.
-I deleted "'what about us?'" because it is a direct quote from the source article, instead of just a paraphrase; In recent news, Uber and Lyft drivers have begun to boycott the companies as a way of protest to say: "what about us?"
They are fighting to change problems with pay and safety.
-I changed "most problems have occurred" to "they are fighting to change problems." This is because I wanted to keep the subject and focus on the workers.
-I deleted "general concern of the public" because it is not a part of the other issues listed that the workers are fighting against; Most problems have occurred as problems with pay, safety, and general concern of the public.
Many people agree that the ride share companies have to do something about these problems, and the only way to address the issue is by boycotting them.
-Good sentence! Changed "May" to "Many"---typo
-Changed "had" to "have." I changed the tense from past to present because this is an ongoing issue that most likely will not be resolved in the near future.
-Changed "that of a protest" to "by protesting" in order to avoid passive voice; Many people agree that the ride share companies had to do something about these problems, and the only way to address the issue is that of protest.
In San Francisco, people gathered at Uber Headquarters to protest against the drivers' low wages.
-Changed "People" to "people."
-Changed "their small wages" to "the drivers' low wages." I named the drivers in order to avoid confusion about who "their" is referring too; In San Francisco, People gathered at Uber Headquarters to protest against their small wages.
However, they didn't just stop there.
As the protest was in session, the protestors shut down the headquarters during the midday rush.
-Add a concluding sentence after this one to wrap up your paragraph. I think this is an important topic to cover. Good job!
Uber & Lyft Protest
In recent news, Uber and Lyft drivers have begun to boycott the companies as a way of protest to say: "what about us?" Most problems have occurred as problems with pay, safety, and general concern of the public. May people agree that the ride share companies had to do something about these problems, and the only way to address the issue is that of a protest. In San Francisco, People gathered at Uber Headquarters to protest against their small wages. However, they didn't just stop there. As the protest was in session, the protesters shut down the headquarters during the midday rush.
Uber & Lyft Drivers Protest Companies
In recent news, Uber and Lyft drivers have begun to protest the companies. They are fighting to change problems with pay and safety. Many people agree that the ride share companies have to do something about these problems, and the only way to address the issue is by protesting. In San Francisco, people gathered at Uber Headquarters to protest against the drivers' low wages. However, they didn't just stop there. As the protest was in session, the protesters shut down the headquarters during the midday rush.
Article#46
SpaceX Delivers Cargo to International Space Station
SpaceX Delivers Cargo to International Space Station
-I changed the headline to make the exact subject of your summary more clear. Since the article largely focuses on SpaceX and the International Space Station, I included their names in the headline.
SpaceX has now successfully delivered 5,500 lbs of cargo to the International Space Station.
-The official name of the company is "SpaceX."
-International Space Station is capitalized; Space X has now successfully delivered 5,500 lbs of cargo to the international space station.
Most of this cargo was meant for its crew, but science experiments and other research related items were also delivered to the space station.
-I changed "it's" to "its." "Its" is more correct here because it signifies possession---the cargo belongs to the crew. If you are not sure which version to use, sound it out: it's is simply a contraction for "it is."
-I added "also" to signify that additional items were brought to the station; Most of this cargo was meant for it's crew, but science experiments and other research related items were delivered to the space station.
This is the second time SpaceX has sent cargo to the station, however this shipment was noticeably bigger than the last time.
-I deleted "space" to avoid repetition.
I changed "it was noticeably bigger than the last time" to "this shipment was noticeably bigger than the last time." The phrase "this shipment" is more precise than "it", which is vague; This is the second time Space X has sent cargo to the space station, however it was noticeably bigger than the last time.
This represents a comeback for SpaceX.
-I split the following two sentences to make them more clear and easy to read.
-I changed "alone was" to "represents." The word "represents" better reflects the symbolism of this successful shipment, and its importance to the company; This alone was a comeback for Space X because of the company's space craft that was meant to deliver a new crew to the space station exploded in it's testing phase.
In April, the company's space craft, meant to deliver a new crew to the station, exploded in its testing phase.
-I added "In April" in order to make it easier for the reader to understand when these events took place.
-I created a phrase and deleted the word "that" and "space." This prevents the sentence from becoming a run-on sentence that can be a little difficult to follow.
-I changed "it's" from "its." "Its" links the noun (the space craft), to the thing it "possesses" (the testing phase); This alone was a comeback for Space X because of the company's space craft that was meant to deliver a new crew to the space station exploded in its testing phase.
-A transition sentence can be added here to lead into your concluding sentence. All of the topics you cover are interesting, and I enjoyed learning about this!
However, all in all, the more the space station can be improved, the more we can both innovate and explore.
Space Cargo and Experiments
Space X has now successfully delivered 5,500 lbs of cargo to the international space station. Most of this cargo was meant for it's crew, but science experiments and other research related items were delivered to the space station. This is the second time Space X has sent cargo to the space station, however it was noticeably bigger than the last time. This alone was a comeback for Space X because of the company's space craft that was meant to deliver a new crew to the space station exploded in it's testing phase. However, all in all, the more the space station can be improved, the more we can both innovate and explore.
SpaceX Delivers Cargo to International Space Station
SpaceX has now successfully delivered 5,500 lbs of cargo to the International Space Station. Most of this cargo was meant for its crew, but science experiments and other research related items were also delivered to the space station. This is the second time SpaceX has sent cargo to the station, however it was noticeably bigger than the last time. This represents a comeback for SpaceX. In April, the company's space craft, meant to deliver a new crew to the station, exploded in its testing phase. However, all in all, the more the space station can be improved, the more we can both innovate and explore.
Source: https://www.engadget.com/2019/05/06/nasa-spacex-international-space-station-cargo-experiments/
Article#45
New Google Technology Can Copy Your Voice
-I changed the headline because the previous one was the same as the source article's.
New Google technology now allows your Google Home device to sound similar to celebrities like John Legend.
-I capitalized Google Home because it is a proper noun. I also added "device" for clarity.
-Changed "slimier" to "similar to"; New Google technology now allows your google home to sound slimier celebrities like John Legend.
This is done through a voice synthesizing program.
-I changed "was all done by" to "done through." It keeps the tense of the sentence in the present, like it was in the previous sentence. "Through" is a more precise word here because it more accurately describes voice synthesizing as a process; This was all done by a voice synthesizing program.
It works by taking voice clips and using them to create a copy of the person's voice.
-Good sentence!
It usually sounds more realistic than a poor text to speech interpretation.
-Capitalized "it."
-I like the phrase "poor text to speech interpretation", I think it's a good description! I just changed "like the person is really there instead of" to "more realistic than." "Realistic" is a more precise adjective to use here, and is more concise; it usually sounds like the person is really there instead of a poor text to speech interpretation.
With this new technology, some are left to wonder if this could be used in other ways.
-Changed "tech" to "technology."
-I would add another sentence after this one to specify what the "other ways" are.
In the future, Google hopes to make the system better and add more celebrity voice options.
-Changed "IN teh" to "In the" (misspelled).
-Changed "hope" to "hopes."
-Changed "voices to choose from" to "voice options." "Options" is a more concise word that you can use here. Otherwise, this was a good sentence!; IN the future, Google hopes to make the system better and add more celebrity voices to choose from.
New Google Technology Can Copy Your Voice
New Google technology now allows your google home to sound slimier celebrities like John Legend. This was all done by a voice synthesizing program. It works by taking voice clips and using them to create a copy of the person's voice. it usually sounds like the person is really there instead of a poor text to speech interpretation. With this new tech, some are left to wonder if this could be used in other ways. IN teh future, Google hope to make the system better and add more celebrity voices to choose from.
New Google technology now allows your Google Home device to sound similar to celebrities like John Legend. This is done through a voice synthesizing program. It works by taking voice clips and using them to create a copy of the person's voice. It usually sounds more realistic than a poor text to speech interpretation. With this new technology, some are left to wonder if this could be used in other ways. In the future, Google hopes to make the system better and add more celebrity voice options.
Article#44
Asteroids Still Pose a Threat
-Capitalized all words in headline
-Changed "Do" to "Still" to highlight the article's main idea---asteroid threats are still real and are ongoing; Asteroids do pose a threat.
NASA continuously states that asteroids are an actual danger to the only planet we know to host life: Earth.
-Changed "a" to "an." Use "an" before a word that starts with a vowel.
-Changed "know ow" to "now know"---misspelled.
-Changed the comma after "life" to a colon. A colon places more emphasis on "Earth."; NASA continuously states that asteroids are a actual danger to the only planet we know ow to host life, Earth.
NASA, along with aerospace company SpaceX, have already set up a sort of early detection system that finds and tracks Near Earth Objects, or NEO's.
-Added "aerospace company." This briefly specifies what SpaceX is, as it is a lesser known organization than NASA. Also, it had not been previously introduced in the paragraph.
-Changed "Have" to "have."; NASA, along with SpaceX, Have already set up a sort of early detection system that finds and tracks Near Earth Objects, or NEO's.
In fact, a total of only two missions have been launched to test defensive systems.
-Good concise and clear sentence! Changed "mission" to "missions" to match the plural "two."; In fact, a total of only to mission have been launched to test defensive systems.
One of these "tests" involved the bombardment of an asteroid to gain information about it.
-Changed "on" to "One"---typo.
Removed the quotes around "better understand it" because it is not a direct quote.
Changed "better understand it" to "gain information about it." It is a more precise phrase that clarifies that they wanted to extract more data about the asteroid.
A sentence can be added here clarifying that this test was made by a Japanese spacecraft, and that there are multiple countries investigating asteroids. Otherwise, good sentence--I like your use of "in fact" to introduce the rest of the sentence; on of these "tests" involved the bombardment of an asteroid to "better understand it."
All in all, the threat of asteroids are real and devastating.
Removed comma after "real."
Another sentence can be added before this to act as a transition to the concluding sentence. I like the phrase "all in all"---it's a good summarizing term to wrap everything up.
Asteroids Still Pose a Threat
NASA continuously states that asteroids are an actual danger to the only planet we know to host life: Earth. NASA, along with aerospace company SpaceX, have already set up a sort of early detection system that finds and tracks Near Earth Objects, or NEO's. In fact, a total of only two missions have been launched to test defensive systems. One of these "tests" involved the bombardment of an asteroid to gain information about it. All in all, the threat of asteroids are real and devastating.
Link: https://www.foxnews.com/science/nasa-chief-asteroid-threat
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Edits for: Chris
Peace Maker
Mahatma Gandhi has helped so many people with his protesting for freedom and peace to end British rule over Indians.
-Split this sentence up because it was too long and confusing. I kept in Gandhi's protesting against British rule because that is the main focus of your paragraph; Mahatma Gandhi has helped so many people with his protesting to have freedom and peace in Natal,London for the Indians and to end the British rule over Indians.
Mohandas Gandhi was born in Gujarat, India in 1869 to a rich and powerful family.
-Fixed the spelling of "Mohandas."
He went to London to study law, but had to promise his mom to keep the strict Hindu morals.
-Combined the next two sentences; Then left home to study law in London. He went to London, but had to promise his mom to keep the strict Hindu Morals.
In 1893, at the age of 24 he went to the British colony Natal in southeastern Africa where many Indians lived.
-Added context about Natal; In 1893, at the age of 24 he went to Natal where many Indians lived.
He was thrown out of train cars, pushed on public walkways, and stripped of the ability to vote.
-Combined the next sentence with this one; He was thrown out of train cars, pushed on public walkways. Also was stripped of the ability to vote.
Gandhi was surprised and started an Indian resistance movement to protest against Britain, focusing on nonviolence.
-Added "movement." This makes it more clear that Gandhi's protest including a lot of other people.
-Combined this sentence with part of the next; So Gandhi was suprised and started a Indian resistance to protest against Britain.
The Indian people did everything to break away from Britain, including boycotting British shops and having a 241-mile-long march.
-Rephrased and re-structured this sentence to be more cohesive. It includes the highlights of the resistance movement, and also uses the people as the subject of the sentence (not just Gandhi)
-Combined a couple of sentences for cohesion; He thebn focused on no-violence/peace, but was soon sent to jail for protesting, but they did everything to break awway from Britain they boyctted the British shops and had more mass protests. Also he made a 241-mile-long march and for peace and freedom.
This shows that Gandhi had risked everything starting from his reputation to his life.
-Cut the last sentence because it is unnecessary; This shows that Gandhi had risked everything starting from his reputation to his life. He did all this stuff for peace and freedom from Britain.
Peace Maker (completely edited article)
Mahatma Gandhi has helped so many people with his protesting for freedom and peace to end British rule over Indians. Mohandas Gandhi was born in Gujarat, India in 1869 to a rich and powerful family. He went to London to study law, but had to promise his mom to keep the strict Hindu morals. In 1893, at the age of 24 he went to the British colony Natal in southeastern Africa where many Indians lived. He was thrown out of train cars, pushed on public walkways, and stripped of the ability to vote. Gandhi was surprised and started an Indian resistance movement to protest against Britain, focusing on nonviolence. The Indian people did everything to break away from Britain, including they boycotting British shops and having a 241-mile-long march. This shows that Gandhi had risked everything starting from his reputation to his life.
Peace Maker (unedited article)
Mahatma Gandhi has helped so many people with his protesting to have freedom and peace in Natal,London for the Indians and to end the British rule over Indians. Mahondas Gandhi was born in Gujarat,India in 1869 he was born in a rich and powerful family. Then left home to study law in London. He went to London, but had to promise his mom to keep the strict Hindu Morals. In 1893, at the age of 24 he went to Natal where many Indians lived. He was thrown out of train cars, pushed on public walkways. Also was stripped of the ability to vote. So Gandhi was suprised and started a Indian resistance to protest against Britain. He thebn focused on no-violence/peace, but was soon sent to jail for protesting, but they did everything to break awway from Britain they boyctted the British shops and had more mass protests. Also he made a 241-mile-long march and for peace and freedom. This shows that Gandhi had risked everything starting from his reputation to his life. He did all this stuff for peace and freedom from Britain.
Editor, please send me an email at contact@goodtoknow.com - Doing a great job! -Steve.[edit]
Facebooks Portal VIdeo Chat
Everyday technology is advancing and we humans make something better each day.
-Split this sentence into two because it was a run-on sentence; Everyday technology is advancing and we humans make something better each day, but for facebook they made a new portal video chat, which is smaller and cheaper than other ones from other companies.
For Facebook, this new technology is a Portal video chat, which is smaller and cheaper than other ones from other companies.
-Rephrased the sentence to better connect your ideas. Now, the sentence connects Facebook's new Portal video devices with the technology you mention in the first sentence.
-Capitalized "Portal" because it is a pronoun; Everyday technology is advancing and we humans make something better each day, but for facebook they made a new portal video chat, which is smaller and cheaper than other ones from other companies.
Last year, the standard model was $199, while the luxurious portal was $349.
-Added "last year" to give the reader a sense of the price timeline of the Portals. The Portals aren't these prices anymore, but they were last year; The standard model is $199, while the luxurious portal is $349.
Now the official price is $279 for a 15.6 inch Portal, while the 10 inch Portal is $179—$20 cheaper.
-Rephrased the phrase about the price of the 10 in Portal. Putting $20 after makes it more clear that you are referring to it being $20 cheaper than the previous model; Now the official price is $279 for a 15.6 inch portal, while the 10 inch portal is $20-179.
The Portal Mini model has an 8 inch screen and is $129, while the portal TV is $149.
-Added "the Portal Mini model" to make it clear what device you are talking about.
-Rephrased the second half of the sentence to make it more clear. The price should come after Portal TV so the reader is clear about what you're referring to; Now the 8 inch screen is $129 and the $149 portal TV.
This shows how technology is advancing everyday.
-Replaced "increasing" with "advancing." "Advancing" is a better and more precise word to use here; So this shows how technology is incresing everyday.
Facebook's Portal Video Chat (completely edited article)
Everyday technology is advancing and we humans make something better each day. For Facebook, this new technology is a portal video chat, which is smaller and cheaper than other ones from other companies. Last year, the standard model was $199, while the luxurious portal was $349. Now the official price is $279 for a 15.6 inch Portal, while the 10 inch Portal is $179—$20 cheaper. The Portal Mini model has an 8 inch screen and is $129, while the Portal TV is $149. This shows how technology is advancing everyday.
Facebooks Portal VIdeo Chat (unedited article)
Everyday technology is advancing and we humans make something better each day, but for facebook they made a new portal video chat, which is smaller and cheaper than other ones from other companies. The standard model is $199, while the luxurious portal is $349. Now the official price is $279 for a 15.6 inch portal, while the 10 inch portal is $20-179. Now the 8 inch screen is $129 and the $149 portal TV.So this shows how technology is incresing everyday.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/facebook-portal-tv-video-chat/
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Cargo Drones
The APT 70 drone is a sophisticated drone that will help our military by delivering cargo to the U.S. Army.
-Added "APT 70" to provide context for the reader and to be more specific.
-Rephrased part of the sentence. Changed "giving cargo for" to "delivering cargo to." "Delivering" implies that the drone is bringing cargo from one place to another, which is what is happening here. Also capitalized "U.S. Army" because it is a proper noun; This drone is a very sophisticated drone and it will help our military by giving cargo for the U.S. army.
This drone will not be an average UPS worker; it will help the army by providing cargo like military gear, medical supplies, industrial components, and tools.
-Rephrased the sentence to make it more concise. Also added a semicolon to separate the two parts of the sentence.
-Changed "giving" to "providing." "Providing" is a more active verb and is more representative of what the drone's functions are; This drone will also not be an average UPS worker it will only help the army by giving cargo like military gear, medical supplies, industrial components, and tools.
The drone flies parallel to the ground while its four propellers pull it through the air supported by two wide surfaces as wings.
-Changed "when flying has its positions" to "flies." "Flies" is an active verb, and is much more concise to the previous passive form.
-Changed "the" to "while its." "While its" acts as transition words and makes your sentence more cohesive and easier to read.
-Changed "pull the drone to the air with" to "pull it through the air supported by." "Supported by" gives the reader a better understanding of how the drone actually functions, and makes the sentence feel less choppy; The drone when flying has its positions parallel to the ground the four propellers pull the drone to the air with two wide surfaces as wings.
The drone flies at a speed of 100 mph and does it by shifting its entire position in space.
The APT 70 is why we should have more drones all over the world to help all of us people.
-Changed "this" to "the APT 70" to be more specific; This is why we should have more drones all over the world to help all of us people.
Cargo Drones (completely edited article)
The APT 70 drone is a sophisticated drone that will help our military by delivering cargo to the U.S. Army. This drone will not be an average UPS worker; it will help the army by providing cargo like military gear, medical supplies, industrial components, and tools. The drone flies parallel to the ground while its four propellers pull it through the air supported by two wide surfaces as wings. The drone flies at a speed of 100 mph and does it by shifting its entire position in space. The APT 70 is why we should have more drones all over the world to help all of us people.
Cargo Drones (unedited article)
This drone is a very sophisticated drone and it will help our military by giving cargo for the U.S. army. This drone will also not be an average UPS worker it will only help the army by giving cargo like military gear, medical supplies, industrial components, and tools. The drone when flying has its positions parallel to the ground the four propellers pull the drone to the air with two wide surfaces as wings. The drone flies at a speed of 100 mph and does it by shifting its entire position in space. This is why we should have more drones all over the world to help all of us people.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/bell-drone-apt70-biplane-autonomous-flight/
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Lord Of The Rings TV Show
The new TV show based on The Lord Of the Rings will be an intriguing and exciting show to watch.
-Added "based on" to indicate to the readers that the show is a different story than the original Lord of the Rings series.
-Changed "very interesting and very fun" to "intriguing and exciting." "Very interesting and very fun" are generic and vague phrases. Replacing it with more descriptive words such as "intriguing and exciting" adds more depth to your sentence; The new TV show The Lord Of the Rings will be very interesting and a very fun TV show to watch.
The TV show will be available on Amazon Prime, will be 5 seasons, and is set to be released in 2021.
-Changed "available" to "happening." "Available" indicates that it will be open for streaming to audiences on this site.
-Added "Amazon Prime" for specificity.
-Changed "heard" to "set." "Set" is a more accurate way to describe the release date (which hasn't been confirmed yet); The TV show will be happening in Amazon and will be 5 seasons and is heard to be released in 2021.
The show will be about a story in Middle Earth that is 3,441 years before The Fellowship Of The Ring.
-Deleted "furthermore." You are starting to talk about a different point now, and aren't expanding on your previous sentence; Furthermore, the TV show will be about a story in Middle Earth that is 3,441 years before The Fellowship Of The Ring.
Although The Lord Of The Rings was set in The Third Age, the TV show will be based on The Second Age.
Meanwhile, Amazon invested an unbelievable amount of money for the TV show, amounting to around a billion or more.
The new Lord of the Rings show will be entertaining and compelling to watch.
-Deleted the "I" statement. This should be strictly a paraphrase of the news article, and should mimic a news article. Please don't include personal statements.
-Changed "interesting and fun" to "entertaining and compelling." "Entertaining and compelling" are more descriptive adjectives than "interesting and fun."
-Please don't address the reader/use second person; I believe that this is why the new TV show coming out will be interesting and fun to watch in various ways, so I hope you watch it and enjoy it.
Lord of the Rings TV Show (completely edited article)
The new TV show based on The Lord Of the Rings will be an intriguing and exciting show to watch. The TV show will be available on Amazon Prime, will be 5 seasons, and is set to be released in 2021. The show will be about a story in Middle Earth that is 3,441 years before The Fellowship Of The Ring. Although The Lord Of The RIngs was set in The Third Age, the TV show will be based on The Second Age. Meanwhile, Amazon invested an unbelievable amount of money for the TV show, amounting to around a billion or more. The new Lord of the Rings show will be entertaining and compelling to watch.
Lord of the Rings TV Show (unedited article)
The new TV show The Lord Of the Rings will be very interesting and a very fun TV show to watch. The TV show will be happening in Amazon and will be 5 seasons and is heard to be released in 2021. Furthermore, the TV show will be about a story in Middle Earth that is 3,441 years before The Fellowship Of The Ring. Although The Lord Of The RIngs was set in The Third Age, now the TV show will be based on The Second Age. Meanwhile, Amazon invested an unbelievable amount of money for the TV show, amounting to around a billion or more. I believe that this is why the new TV show coming out will be interesting and fun to watch in various ways, so I hope you watch it and enjoy it.
Source: https://www.cordcuttersnews.com/heres-what-we-know-about-amazons-new-lord-of-the-rings-series/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Basking Sharks
Basking Sharks can measure up to 30 feet and over 10,000 pounds and are even larger than other sharks.
-Rephrased "feared predators" to "other sharks" for clarity.
-Split this sentence into two to avoid confusion; Basking Sharks can measure up to 30 feet and over 10,000 pounds and are even larger than that of the feared predators, which are harmless to us humans.
They are also harmless to us humans.
-Split from the previous sentence; Basking Sharks can measure up to 30 feet and over 10,000 pounds and are even larger than that of the feared predators, which are harmless to us humans.
Basking Sharks are just like blue whales, who capture krill and plankton with their mouth wide open.
-Pluralized "Basking Sharks" because you are talking about the species as a whole.
-Deleted "such as the blue whale they" because it is a confusing phrase and can be condensed; The Basking Shark are just like whales, such as the blue whale they capture krill and plankton with their mouth wide open.
In California, Basking Sharks disappeared for decades because people captured and killed them for their fins, meat, liver, and oil.
-Rearranged the sentence to be less confusing and to avoid being a run on sentence. Also fixed a couple of typos; Basking Sharks dissaperes for decades because in California they has great numbers, but people captured and killed them for their fi,meat,liver,and its oil.
They were being killed because they interrupted salmon fishing operations.
-Truncated the sentence for cohesion and clarity.
-Rephrased "being known as" to "interrupted." The first phrase is a little confusing and doesn't reflect the source article's point about the salmon operations. I reworded to better reflect that
-Split the sentence into two to avoid a run on sentence. Try to not pack too much information into one sentence; The Basking Shark were being killed because they were being known as salmon fishing operations and they were then listed as vulnerable endangered species.
They were then listed as vulnerable endangered species.
-Split from the previous sentence; The Basking Shark were being killed because they were being known as salmon fishing operations and they were then listed as vulnerable endangered species.
These are some reasons we should help save Basking Sharks.
-Rephrased the sentence for conciseness. "These are some reasons" is just a more concise way of stating what you previously wrote.
-Deleted "this is why Basking Sharks are cool and interesting to me in many ways." This is a generic phrase that doesn't add anything to your sentence, and doesn't reflect the content of your article; This is why we should help save Basking Sharks and also this is why Basking Sharks are cool and interesting to me in many ways.
Basking Sharks (completely edited article)
Basking Sharks can measure up to 30 feet and over 10,000 pounds and are even larger than other sharks. They are also harmless to us humans. Basking Sharks are just like blue whales, who capture krill and plankton with their mouth wide open. In California, Basking Sharks disappeared for decades because people captured and killed them for their fins, meat, liver, and oil. They were being killed because they interrupted salmon fishing operations. They were then listed as vulnerable endangered species. These are some reasons we should help save Basking Sharks.
Basking Sharks (unedited article)
Basking Sharks can measure up to 30 feet and over 10,000 pounds and are even larger than that of the feared predators, which are harmless to us humans. The Basking Shark are just like whales, such as the blue whale they capture krill and plankton with their mouth wide open. Basking Sharks dissaperes for decades because in California they has great numbers, but people captured and killed them for their fi,meat,liver,and its oil. The Basking Shark were being killed because they were being known as salmon fishing operations and they were then listed as vulnerable endangered species. This is why we should help save Basking Sharks and also this is why Basking Sharks are cool and interesting to me in many ways.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/6/25/basking-sharks-return-to-california-waters-after-several-decades
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Albino Panda
Albino pandas are both fascinating and rare.
-Rephrased. "Very interesting and rare" is vague and there are better alternatives to "interesting." "Fascinating" is one that I put here. I also deleted "in many ways" because it doesn't add anything to the sentence; Albino pandas are very interesting and rare in many ways.
There are 2,000 giant pandas that are left in the wild and they are found wandering around different bamboo forests.
-Rephrased. The remaining pandas in the wild aren't all in the same bamboo forest, so I pluralized "bamboo forests." I also added "different"; There are 2,000 giant pandas that are left in the wild and they are found wandering around in the bamboo forest.
Wolong National Nature Reserve officials announced the discovery of a white panda bear on May 25, 2019.
-Added "Wolong National Nature Reserve" to provide more context for the reader.
-"Discovered" is misused here. The proper term for the present tense is "discovery."
-Rephrased "ghost-like" to "white." This is to avoid sounding too similar to the source article. I also split the sentence into two; Wolong officials announced the discovered of a ghost-like panda bear on May 25, 2019, they found it in China's first giant panda breeding and research center.
They found it in China's first giant panda breeding and research center.
-Split this sentence from the previous one. It can act as an independent clause, and it has a subject and a verb. When this happens, a sentence can be split (also in order to avoid a run on sentence); Wolong officials announced the discovered of a ghost-like panda bear on May 25, 2019, they found it in China's first giant panda breeding and research center.
Albino animals are very rare and all-white pandas are even more rare: albinism mutation can only be inherited if both parents carry the gene.
-Added a colon. This is to put emphasis on the following phrase, but also to improve the sentence's readability; Albino animals are very rare and all-white pandas are even more albinism mutation can only be inherited if both parents carry the gene.
Albino pandas are interesting and extraordinary in many ways.
-Rephrased "rare" to "extraordinary." "Extraordinary can act as a synonym for "rare", and in this context it works well. This is also to avoid writing the same sentence as the first one.
-Try to limit your use of "very." It is a filler word that often has better and more descriptive alternatives. Also deleted "this shows that" because it is not necessary; This shows that albino pandas are very interesting and rare in many ways.
Albino Panda (completely edited article)
Albino pandas are both fascinating and rare. There are 2,000 giant pandas that are left in the wild and they are found wandering around different bamboo forest.
Wolong National Nature Reserve officials announced the discovery of a white panda bear on May 25, 2019. They found it in China's first giant panda breeding and research center. Albino animals are very rare and all-white pandas are even more rare: albinism mutation can only be inherited if both parents carry the gene. Albino pandas are interesting and extraordinary in many ways.
Albino Panda (unedited article)
Albino pandas are very interesting and rare in many ways. There are 2,000 giant pandas that are left in the wild and they are found wandering around in the bamboo forest. Wolong officials announced the discovered of a ghost-like panda bear on May 25, 2019, they found it in China's first giant panda breeding and research center. Albino animals are very rare and all-white pandas are even more albinism mutation can only be inherited if both parents carry the gene. This shows that albino pandas are very interesting and rare in many ways.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/5/30/all-white-giant-panda-caught-on-camera-for-the-first-time
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Trash Eating Sharks
Technology is advancing every day, being used to get rid of pollution each step of the way---starting with the trash eating shark.
-Deleted "we are helping the world..." It is a vague statement, and it is unclear who "we" is supposed to be.
-Added an em dash to emphasize the subject of the article (the trash eating sharks); Technology is advancing every day and we are helping the world by getting rid of pollution each step of the way starting with the trash eating shark.
The shark's mouth takes in garbage or waste from up to a foot below the surface of the water.
-Deleted "between two parallel hulls." It is a bit confusing in the context of this sentence, and is not necessary information to understand the sentence; The shark's mouth is found between two parallel hulls it takes in garbage or waste from up to a foot below the surface of the water.
It can work up to eight hours on one charge and collect up to 1,120 pounds of waste.
'The sharks are equipped with sensors to collect data such as "pH levels, salinity, and temperature".
-Please do not directly quote from the source article. You are meant to paraphrase, which means that you communicate the basic tone and meaning of the article, but you use your own words. Please fix this sentence by paraphrasing.
"The portable device emits no carbon, produces no noise or light pollution, and causes no harm to marine life".
-Read what I wrote above. Please fix this sentence by paraphrasing.
As technology advances, it can be used to help the world out even more than it currently is.
-Rephrased "we can sooner or later" to "it can be used to." The subject of the sentence is really "technology", so I rephrased to keep the focus on that. Again, "we" is vague and is not the real subject of this sentence; As technology advances, we can sooner or later help the world out even more than it is.
Trash Eating Sharks (completely edited article)
Technology is advancing every day, being used to get rid of pollution each step of the way---starting with the trash eating shark. The shark's mouth takes in garbage or waste from up to a foot below the surface of the water. It can work up to eight hours on one charge and collect up to 1,120 pounds of waste. The sharks are equipped with sensors to collect data such as "pH levels, salinity, and temperature". As technology advances, it can be used to help the world out even more than it currently is.
Trash Eating Sharks (unedited article)
Technology is advancing every day and we are helping the world by getting rid of pollution each step of the way starting with the trash eating shark. The shark's mouth is found between two parallel hulls it takes in garbage or waste from up to a foot below the surface of the water. It can work up to eight hours on one charge and collect up to 1,120 pounds of waste. The sharks are equipped with sensors to collect data such as "pH levels, salinity, and temperature". " The portable device emits no carbon, produces no noise or light pollution, and causes no harm to marine life". As technology advances, we can sooner or later help the world out even more than it is.
Source: https://www.dogonews.com/2019/4/8/trash-eating-sharks-are-taking-over-harbors-worldwide —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Encountering Bison
Bison are dangerous and fascinating animals.
-Rephrased this sentence. "Important and interesting" are both vague terms that don't really tell the reader much about your subject. "Fascinating" isa synonym for interesting that is more descriptive and less vague. Try to also avoid the term "very." It doesn't add to your sentence, and in most cases can be replaced by a more descriptive adjective (example: very important--->essential); Bison are very dangerous, but are important and interesting in many ways.
Bison/Buffalo are all over the U.S., but the largest populations of bison are found in Wyoming, Montana, and Colorado, while some roam up to Kentucky.
-Made "population" plural because the Bison are spread out across several different states.
-"While" is a useful term to use when you are describing something that is different than something else. So, most Bison go to Wyoming, Montana, and Colorado but a smaller population goes to Kentucky; Bison/Buffalo are all over the U.S., but the largest population of bison are found in Wyoming, Montana, and Colorado, and some roam up to Kentucky.
They are the size of a car and live with many other bison.
-Changed the subject of the sentence to "they." This is to avoid using "bison" twice in the same sentence; Bison are the size of a car and bison live with many other bison.
In 2018, there were more than 4.1 million bison in Yellowstone.
-Added "In 2018." This contextualizes the rest of the sentence for the reader.
-Changed some of the phrasing. This is so the sentence ends with a preposition ("in"), which helps describe where something happened. In this case, it happened in Yellowstone; In Yellow stone more than 4.1 million bison came.
Bison normally injure more people than other animals within the park.
-Changed "within 3,500 square mile area" to "within the park." It is not clear from the original sentence that you are referring to Yellowstone. I simplified it a little bit to make this more clear; Bison normally injure more people than animals within 3,500 square mile area.
They weigh 2,000 pounds and can run up to 35 mph, and can jump over objects up to 5 feet tall.
These are some reasons why bison are both dangerous and interesting.
-Rephrased the sentence. Try to avoid repeating sentences too closely. The phrase "these are some reasons why" is another good way to summarize and wrap up your paragraph. I also combined your two adjectives ("dangerous" and "interesting") to make the sentence more concise and less vague; This is why bison are very dangerous, but are important and interesting in many ways.
Encountering Bison (completely edited article)
Bison are dangerous and fascinating animals. Bison/Buffalo are all over the U.S., but the largest populations of bison are found in Wyoming, Montana, and Colorado, while some roam up to Kentucky. They are the size of a car and live with many other bison. In 2018, there were more than 4.1 million bison in Yellowstone. Bison normally injure more people than other animals within the park. They weigh 2,000 pounds and can run up to 35 mph, and can jump over objects up to 5 feet tall. These are some reasons why bison are both dangerous and interesting.
Encountering Bison (unedited article)
Bison are very dangerous, but are important and interesting in many ways. Bison/Buffalo are all over the U.S. , but the largest population of bison are found in Wyoming, Montana, and Colorado , and some roam up to Kentucky. Bison are the size of a car and bison live with many other bison. In Yellow stone more than 4.1 million bison came. Bison normally injure more people than animals within 3,500 square mile area. They weigh 2,000 pounds and can run up to 35 mph, and can jump over objects up to 5 feet tall. This is why bison are very dangerous, but are important and interesting in many ways.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/bison-encounter-buffalo/
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Fish Walking On Land
-Placed the subject ("fish") first, followed by a verb ("walking"); Walking Fish On Land.
Snakeheads/Frankenfish are interesting and dangerous in several different ways.
-"Several" is a more descriptive word to use than "many." I also deleted "very" because does not enhance the sentence or add detail; Snakeheads/Frankenfish are very interesting and dangerous in many ways.
Snakeheads were first discovered in a pond in Maryland in 2002.
-I made this its own sentence in order to avoid a run on sentence.
Snakeheads established themselves in the Potomac River, with about 21,000 individuals over 120 river miles.
-The phrase "estimated from" is a little confusing, so I replaced it with "with."
-"Over" is a good way to describe the distance that "120 river miles" represents, which emphasizes just how widespread the snakeheads are; Snakeheads were first discovered in a pond in Maryland in 2002 snakeheads established themselves in the Potomac River estimated from 21,000 individuals going from 120 river miles.
At 18 pounds and three feet, the "frankenfish" have kept spreading and can now be found above Great Falls in the C&O.
-"At" is a more concise and little less confusing way of describing the size and weight of the fish.
-Put "frankenfish" in quotes because it is a nickname and an informal term.
-Changed "keep" to "have kept." "Have kept" describes that the spread of the snakeheads was an event that has largely already occurred, but it still has a present day impact; It can group up to 18 pounds and three feet the frankenfish keep spreading and now found above Great Falls in the C&O.
The species were imported legally from Asia to the aquarium and seafood trades until 2004.
-I split this sentence from the next one because it was a run on sentence.
The "frankenfish" have an organ that allows them to get oxygen out of the air, allowing them to stay alive for many days out of the water.
-I split the first half of this sentence off from the previous one and combined it with part of the next sentence. This construction better links and organizes your thoughts, so the reader is better able to follow the flow of the paragraph.
-Deleted "only if they are cool and moist" for conciseness; Frankenfish can stay alive for many days out of the water only if they are cool and moist since they could travel short distances on land, which they were then called by some (walking fish).
They can also travel short distances on land, called "walking fish" by some.
-Because I broke up the previous sentence, this one needed to have a transition phrase. "They can also" is a way to link your previous sentence with your next one.
-Added quotations around "walking fish" because it is an informal name. Also removed some words for conciseness and moved the "walking fish" to be more integrated within the sentence; Frankenfish can stay alive for many days out of the water only if they are cool and moist since they could travel short distances on land, which they were then called by some (walking fish).
This is why Snakeheads/"Frankenfish" are both interesting and dangerous.
-Deleted "in many ways" because it is repetitive and doesn't add to your sentence; This explains why Snakeheads/Frankenfish are interesting and dangerous in many ways.
Fish Walking On Land (completely edited article)
Snakeheads/Frankenfish are interesting and dangerous in several different ways. Snakeheads were first discovered in a pond in Maryland in 2002. Snakeheads established themselves in the Potomac River, with about 21,000 individuals over 120 river miles. At 18 pounds and three feet, the "frankenfish" have kept spreading and can now be found above Great Falls in the C&O. The species were imported legally from Asia to the aquarium and seafood trades until 2004. The "frankenfish" have an organ that allows them to get oxygen out of the air, letting them to stay alive for many days out of the water. They can also travel short distances on land, which they were then called "walking fish" by some. This is why Snakeheads/"Frankenfish" are both interesting and dangerous.
Walking Fish On Land (unedited article)
Snakeheads/Frankenfish are very interesting and dangerous in many ways. Snakeheads were first discovered in a pond in Maryland in 2002 snakeheads established themselves in the Potomac River estimated from 21,000 individuals going from 120 river miles. It can group up to 18 pounds and three feet the frankenfish keep spreading and now found above Great Falls in the C&O. The species were imported legally from Asia to the aquarium and seafood trades until 2004, the frankenfish have an organ that allows them to get oxygen out of the air. Frankenfish can stay alive for many days out of the water only if they are cool and moist since they could travel short distances on land, which they were then called by some (walking fish). This explains why Snakeheads/Frankenfish are interesting and dangerous in many ways.
Source: https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2016/03/160317-snakeheads-potomac-river-chesapeake-bay-invasive-species-fish/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Planting Trees
Planting trees are very important in many ways to save and help the world.
The International Panel on Climate Change said that at least 1 billion hectares of trees must be planted to help stop the planet from warming up to 1.5-Celsius degrees.
-Combined these two sentence to form a complete thought. I also rearranged some of the first sentence to help make it flow better; The International Panel on Climate Change said that we need to plant at least 1 billion hectares.
Many programs were created to help countries plant forests.
-"Got brought up" is a confusing phrase to use here. I put in an active verb to better illustrate how these programs were made and implemented by different groups.
-The purpose of the programs are to give countries the funds to plant trees and build forests. I changed some of the wording here to reflect that; Many programs got brought up to make countries to help forests.
For example, China has restored 108,000 square miles of forests.
-I moved this sentence to earlier in your paragraph. It is a good way to build upon your previous sentence and use it as an example. It felt a little disjointed before.
Under the Bonn Challenge, 10 percent of countries have planned to plant more trees, but 43 percent aren't pulling their weight.
-Added Bonn Challenge to specify what exactly you are referring to. This clarifies that you are talking about a specific program.
-Added "but" to emphasize the contrast between the countries who are participating and the countries who aren't; 10 percent of countries have p[lanned to plant more trees, and 43 percent aren't pulling their weight.
Because of this, 3.5 hectares of trees by 2030 are at risk of not being planted.
-Added a transition phrase here. Try and incorporate transition words and phrases that can help link your ideas and make them more cohesive. By adding "because of this", it sets up the sentence as a direct result of what you wrote about in the previous one
-Added "of not being planted" to provide more context (what are they at risk for?). It is important to make your ideas as fleshed out as possible to give the reader a clear picture of what you mean to write about; 3.5 hectares of trees by 2030 at risk.
-Deleted the sentence "45 percent of commitments are under the Bonn Challenge." It did not provide any important information that wasn't already in other sentences.
This is why planting trees are very important in helping to save the world and humanity.
-Deleted "many ways" to avoid too closely repeating your topic sentence.
-Changed "help" to a verb and placed it earlier in the sentence. This avoids repeating "help" twice in the same sentence; This is why planting trees are very important in many ways to save and help the world and also help humanity.
Planting Trees (completely edited article)
Planting trees are very important in many ways to save and help the world. The International Panel on Climate Change said that 1 billion hectares of trees must be planted to help stop the planet from warming up to 1.5-Celsius degrees. Many programs were created to help countries plant forests. For example, China has restored 108,000 square miles of forests. Under the Bonn Challenge, 10 percent of countries have planned to plant more trees, but 43 percent aren't pulling their weight. Because of this, 3.5 hectares of trees by 2030 at risk. This is why planting trees are very important in helping to save the world and humanity.
Planting Trees (unedited article)
Planting trees are very important in many ways to save and help the world. The International Panel on Climate Change said that we need to plant at least 1 billion hectares. Stopping the planet from warming up to 1.5-Celsius degrees. Many programs got brought up to make countries to help forests. 10 percent of countries have p[lanned to plant more trees, and 43 percent aren't pulling their weight. 3.5 hectares of trees by 2030 at risk. China restored 108,000 square miles of forests. 45 percent of commitments are under the Bonn Challenge. This is why planting trees are very important in many ways to save and help the world and also help humanity.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/planting-trees-save-planet/ —————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— Uranium
Uranium can be very interesting, but dangerous in many ways.
A German chemist identified uranium in 1789, called atomic number 92.
-Added "a" to specify that it was a particular German chemist.
-"In" can be used here because you are referring to something happening in a specific year.
-Split this sentence into two; German chemist identified uranium at 1789, an atomic number92 it is a very troubling substance on the planet.
It is a very troubling substance and is naturally radioactive.
-Deleted "on the planet" because it is not necessary to state.
-Combined the next sentence with this one to improve cohesion; German chemist identified uranium at 1789, an atomic number92 it is a very troubling substance on the planet. It's naturally radioactive.
In 1938, Nazi nuclear chemists did what seemed to be impossible and split a uranium nucleus into two.
-Made "Nazi nuclear chemist" plural because it was multiple chemists who did this.
-Deleted "they" because it is already clear that the subject of your sentence is plural and they are the ones performing the action; In 1938 a Nazi nuclear chemist in 1938 and did what was seemed to be impossible and they split uranium nucleus into two.
Then American physicists discovered they could make uranium-238 decay to plutonium-239 to build weapons and power plants.
-Changed "forced" to "make" to avoid sounding too similar to the source. I deleted "to" because of this change.
-Made "American physicist" plural. Because you use the plural "they", your subject pronoun should agree.
-Changed "into" to "to build." "Into" is a little confusing here, and does not make it clear that plutonium is what is used to make weapons and build power plants. I changed it to an active verb that describes the uses of plutonium; Then an American physicist discovered they could force uranium-238 to decay to plutonium-239 into weapons and power plants.
This is why uranium is a very interesting substance, but dangerous.
-Removed "in many ways" and "very" to avoid repetition (same sentence as your topic sentence); This is why uranium is a very interesting substance, but dangerous in many ways.
Uranium (completely edited article)
Uranium can be very interesting, but dangerous in many ways. A German chemist identified uranium in 1789, called atomic number 92. It is a very troubling substance and is naturally radioactive. In 1938, Nazi nuclear chemists did what seemed to be impossible and split a uranium nucleus into two. Then American physicists discovered they could make uranium-238 decay to plutonium-239 to build weapons and power plants. This is why uranium is an interesting substance, but dangerous.
Uranium (unedited article) Uranium can be very interesting, but dangerous in many ways. German chemist identified uranium at 1789, an atomic number92 it is a very troubling substance on the planet. It's naturally radioactive. In 1938 a Nazi nuclear chemist in 1938 and did what was seemed to be impossible and they split uranium nucleus into two. Then an American physicist discovered they could force uranium-238 to decay to plutonium-239 into weapons and power plants. This is why uranium is a very interesting substance, but dangerous in many ways.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/uranium-nuclear-energy-weapons/
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Arctic Foxes Using Warp Speed
-Deleted the period and capitalized all of the words, like a news article; Arctic Foxes using warp speed.
An Arctic fox went on a long journey from Norway to Canada, going 30 miles a day.
-"An" is a better word to use here because you are writing about one specific fox, not just Arctic foxes in general
-Split up the sentence into two; The Arctic fox went on a long journey from Norway to Canada going 30 miles a day, so the Arctic foxes got through 2,176 miles in 76 days.
It got through 2,176 miles in 76 days.
-Made this a separate sentence and changed the subject to the generic "it" to avoid repeating "Arctic fox"; The Arctic fox went on a long journey from Norway to Canada going 30 miles a day, so the Arctic foxes got through 2,176 miles in 76 days.
One female Arctic fox had been tracked, and in twenty-two days she got to Greenland in about 940 miles from her original point.
-Good sentence! I adjusted the wording of "starting point" so it didn't reflect the source too much; One female Arctic fox had been tracked, and in twenty-two days she got to Greenland in about 940 miles starting point.
She was then found 76 days later in Canada.
-Deleted "Norway" because Canada was her final destination. Norway was her starting point, but in this sentence you're describing where they eventually found her; She was then found 76 days later from Norway to Canada.
Arctic foxes have muzzles, ears, and legs, as well as thick, deep fur lets them walk on snow and ice.
-"Have" is a great way to signify possession. In this case, the Arctic fox has these physical attributes that make them better adapted to traveling on snow and ice.
-Replaced "as well as" with "with their." "As well as" is a good phrase to use when trying to list multiple things, like here in this sentence; The Arctic foxes and their muzzles, ears, and legs, with their thick, deep fur it lets them walk on snow and ice.
Arctic foxes are very fascinating in many ways to people and scientists.
-Deleted "the" to make the subject of the sentence more general (because you are talking about Arctic foxes as a species).
Arctic Foxes Using Warp Speed (completely edited article)
An Arctic fox went on a long journey from Norway to Canada, going 30 miles a day. It got through 2,176 miles in 76 days. One female Arctic fox had been tracked, and in twenty-two days she got to Greenland in about 940 miles from her original point. She was then found 76 days later in Canada. Arctic foxes have muzzles, ears, and legs, as well as thick, deep fur lets them walk on snow and ice. Arctic foxes are very fascinating in many ways to people and scientists.
Arctic Foxes using warp speed. (unedited article)
The Arctic fox went on a long journey from Norway to Canada going 30 miles a day, so the Arctic foxes got through 2,176 miles in 76 days. One female Arctic fox had been tracked, and in twenty-two days she got to Greenland in about 940 miles starting point. She was then found 76 days later from Norway to Canada. The Arctic foxes and their muzzles, ears, and legs, with their thick, deep fur it lets them walk on snow and ice. The Arctic foxes are very fascinating in many ways to people and scientists.
Chsz, Do this article: https://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/ny-arctic-fox-Norway-Inuit-Canada-epic-trek-20190702-mxur6otdxjep5pvavclyvppf3i-story.html
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Child Labor for Chocolate
There are many hardships for the kids that are being forced to work for the chocolate industry.
-Changed "chocolate and for many other things" because the focus of your paragraph is only on chocolate; There are many hardships for the kids that are being forced to work for chocolate and for many other things.
In Ghana and Cote d'Ivoire, there are 2 million kids doing dangerous work for chocolate companies.
-Changed "or in" to "and." This labor is occurring in both countries, not just one or the other.
-I split up this sentence because it was a run on sentence and became a little difficult to follow.
-Changed "industry's" to "companies" to avoid repetition; In Ghana or in Cote d'Ivoire there are 2 million kids doing dangerous work for chocolate industry's in Ghana there are 92 % of kids doing dangerous work such as for an example spraying chemicals and igniting fires to burn fields.
In Ghana, 92 % of kids do dangerous work such as spraying chemicals and igniting fires to burn fields.
-Deleted "there are."
-Changed "doing" to "do." Because I split up the sentences, "do" is the more appropriate verb.
-Deleted for an example. "Such as" is good enough for introducing your next phrase; In Ghana or in Cote d'Ivoire there are 2 million kids doing dangerous work for chocolate industry's in Ghana there are 92 % of kids doing dangerous work such as for an example spraying chemicals and igniting fires to burn fields.
A study found that if the price of cocoa increased by 2.8 percent farmers could get adult laborers instead of little children.
-Changed some of the wording of this sentence because it didn't exactly reflect the content of the original article. The price hasn't actually been raised---that statistic was based on a study that looked at the hypothetical effects of that price change. So I added some context about the study; The people increased the price of cocoa by 2.8 percent so that the farmers could get adult laborers instead of little children; The people increased the price of cocoa by 2.8 percent so that the farmers could get adult laborers instead of little children.
The reason children have to do this labor is because of poverty and need.
-Changed "are in labor" to "have to do this labor." When "labor" is used to mean "work", it becomes a verb. So, someone performs labor or does labor. I changed the wording of this phrase to reflect that.
-Changed depression to need. I think you meant to paraphrase "desperation", the original word used in the article. I thought "need" was a good synonym for "desperation" in this context, and captures what you're trying to say; The reason children are in labor is because of poverty and depression.
This is why we should help the kids from having to perform labor.
-Deleted "and adults too" because the focus of your summary is on children; This is why we should help the kids from labor and adults too.
Child Labor for Chocolate (completely edited article)
There are many hardships for the kids that are being forced to work for the chocolate industry. In Ghana and Cote d'Ivoire, there are 2 million kids doing dangerous work for chocolate companies. In Ghana, 92 % of kids do dangerous work such as spraying chemicals and igniting fires to burn fields. A study found that if the price of cocoa increased by 2.8 percent farmers could get adult laborers instead of little children. The reason children have to do this labor is because of poverty and need. This is why we should help the kids from having to perform labor.
Child Labor for Chocolate (unedited article)
There are many hardships for the kids that are being forced to work for chocolate and for many other things. In Ghana or in Cote d'Ivoire there are 2 million kids doing dangerous work for chocolate industry's in Ghana there are 92 % of kids doing dangerous work such as for an example spraying chemicals and igniting fires to burn fields. The people increased the price of cocoa by 2.8 percent so that the farmers could get adult laborers instead of little children. The reason children are in labor is because of poverty and depression. This is why we should help the kids from labor and adults too.
Source: https://www.popsci.com/child-labor-chocolate-cocoa
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Zooming Away
Car engineers are trying to make better and faster cars.
-Changed "the" to "car" to be more specific about who these engineers are.
-Deleted "or the people." It's a confusing phrase, and is very vague.
-Deleted "much more." These words are filler, and aren't needed here; The engineers or the people are trying to make much more better and faster cars.
One company making faster cars for people to enjoy is Ferrari.
-Changed the structure of this sentence because the previous wording was somewhat confusing. I wanted to make the focus of the sentence be on the company Ferrari, so I started it off referencing a car company. The sentence also introduces Ferrari as the topic of your paragraph. I tried to keep in a phrase about customers; Much faster cars for people who own Ferrari's and for them to enjoy them too.
Ferrari is trying to improve on the problems with their 488 GTB model.
-Changed "show the difficult problems" to "improve on the problems." The second phrase is more active and direct.
-I only removed the phrase "Pista, a track centric version of the company's..." because I couldn't find any reference to it in the source material. Please try to stick paraphrasing your source; Ferrari is trying to show the difficult problems with the Pista, a track centric version of the company's 488 GTB.
The company's 10,000 two-day program is made for Ferrari owners enjoy their cars.
-This sentence is fine but I couldn't find anything resembling it in the source. Please try to only use things from your source. I would rewrite and paraphrase something from the article.
The drivers may choose between the 488 GTB or the 812 Superfast.
-Changed "divers" to "drivers"---typo.
-Changed "the" to "between." Since you're describing a choice between two things, "between" is a great word to use here. However, I did not find anything in your source that really reflected the content of this sentence. 488 GTB is mentioned, but only in reference to its interior design. Again, please try to only paraphrase your source and rewrite this sentence; The divers may choose the 488 GTB or the 812 Superfast.
Overall, the 488 GTB is more appropriate for the track.
-Deleted "is from a foundation of the 488 GTB." The wording was a bit confusing, and the information could be condensed into one sentence. Again, this information is not reflected in the source material. Please rewrite; Although the Pista is more appropriate for the track. Is from a foundation of the 488 GTB.
In the future, Ferrari will surely make many more improved and faster cars.
-Changed the subject of the sentence from "we" to "Ferrari", since that is the focus of your paragraph.
-Added "In the future" to introduce the rest of your sentence.
-I condensed some of the phrases of the sentence so they are a bit easier to follow.
-Deleted "we should keep on making more things." It doesn't add any information to the sentence, and uses a vague "we" pronoun; We will make many more better cars and improve to make even faster cars we should keep on making more things.
Zooming Away (completely edited article)
Car engineers are trying to make better and faster cars. One company making faster cars for people to enjoy is Ferrari. Ferrari is trying to improve on the problems with their 488 GTB model. The company's 10,000 two-day program is made for Ferrari owners enjoy their cars. The drivers may choose between the 488 GTB or the 812 Superfast. Overall, the 488 GTB is more appropriate for the track. In the future, Ferrari will make many more better and faster cars.
Zooming Away (unedited article)
The engineers or the people are trying to make much more better and faster cars. Much faster cars for people who own Ferrari's and for them to enjoy them too. Ferrari is trying to show the difficult problems with the Pista, a track centric version of the company's 488 GTB. The company's 10,000 two-day program is made for Ferrari owners enjoy their cars. The divers may choose the 488 GTB or the 812 Superfast. Although the Pista is more appropriate for the track. Is from a foundation of the 488 GTB. We will make many more better cars and improve to make even faster cars we should keep on making more things.
