Original
The Observation and Conservation of Lions
For the first time in history, scientists took created complete genomes of twenty separate lions in order to study their evolutionary path. The scientists managed to discover that cave lions did not interbreed with other types of lions; this is contradictory to wild cat’s notorious behavior of interbreeding when given the chance, resulting in the scientists assuming that this is due to an unknown factor that prevented them from mixing. Scientist are considering introducing lions to West Africa since the native lions are genetically very similar to Barbary Lion, who had a diverse genome. Thus, by allowing scientists to collect genome information, they can potentially prevent lion loss and instead boost their population globally https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/2020/05/african-lion-cave-lion-evolution-secrets-revealed/#close
Edits
The Observation and Conservation of Lions
***Good.
For the first time in history, scientists took created complete genomes of twenty separate lions in order to study their evolutionary path.
***The phrasing of "took created complete genomes" is a bit confusing with the two conjugated verbs right next to each other. Because this phrasing is already pretty similar to that of the article, try either varying this sentence from the article's a bit more or keeping the same phrasing as the article and placing it in quotation marks.
Edited sentence: For the first time in history, "scientists created complete genomes of twenty individual lions" in order to study their evolutionary path.
The scientists managed to discover that cave lions did not interbreed with other types of lions; this is contradictory to wild cat’s notorious behavior of interbreeding when given the chance, resulting in the scientists assuming that this is due to an unknown factor that prevented them from mixing.
***You use the word "that" several times in this sentence. This word is often superfluous and can often clutter up a sentence; see if you can cut down your usage of it when the sentence doesn't need it to be grammatically correct or make sense. Also, the possessive apostrophe should be written as "cats'," not "cat's," because there are multiple cats possessing the "notorious behavior".
Edited sentence: The scientists managed to discover cave lions did not interbreed with other types of lions; this is contradictory to wild cats' notorious behavior of interbreeding when given the chance, which resulted in the scientists assuming that this is due to an unknown factor preventing them from mixing.
Scientist are considering introducing lions to West Africa since the native lions are genetically very similar to Barbary Lion, who had a diverse genome.
***Make "scientist" plural. Add a little more information about the Barbary lion (decapitalize "Lion") since it hasn't been mentioned in your summary yet, and the fact that it's extinct is a small detail that adds a lot of information. Change "who" to "which", since this is an animal, not a person.
Edited sentence: Scientists are considering introducing lions to West Africa since the native lions are genetically very similar to the extinct Barbary lion, which had a diverse genome.
Thus, by allowing scientists to collect genome information, they can potentially prevent lion loss and instead boost their population globally
***Don't forget a period at the end of this sentence. Also, who is "they", and who is "allowing" the scientists to do this? Make sure to clarify these things to strengthen your sentence.
Edited sentence: Thus, by scientists endeavoring to collect genome information, we can potentially prevent lion loss and instead boost their population globally.
Final Edit
***Good work. For the most part, focus on your word choice; sometimes when changing quotes from the article into your own words can result in a less-than-fluid sentence. Also, try to avoid repeating the same word multiple times in a sentence when avoidable, and keep an eye on your singular vs. plural usage.
Edited paragraph:
The Observation and Conservation of Lions
For the first time in history, "scientists created complete genomes of twenty individual lions" in order to study their evolutionary path. The scientists managed to discover cave lions did not interbreed with other types of lions; this is contradictory to wild cats' notorious behavior of interbreeding when given the chance, which resulted in the scientists assuming that this is due to an unknown factor preventing them from mixing. Scientists are considering introducing lions to West Africa since the native lions are genetically very similar to the extinct Barbary lion, which had a diverse genome. Thus, by scientists endeavoring to collect genome information, we can potentially prevent lion loss and instead boost their population globally.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/2020/05/african-lion-cave-lion-evolution-secrets-revealed/#close
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
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Original
Centuries-old Inca offering discovered in scared lake
In Lake Titicaca, a scared place for the Andean Empire of Inca, archaeologists uncovered an andesite offering box, measuring about 14 by 10 by 6.5 inches. Sealed with a stone plug, the box contained a gold bracelet and a llama made from coral-hued shell. Not only that, archaeologists found similar offerings in other places that they presume were also sacred places to the Inca. According to the Spanish cleric, Alonso Ramos Gavilan, the Inca would sacrifice an animal or child and place their blood into the container; they would then lower the container into the water where the blood and water would mix, creating a blood cloud in the water. Although this source is not entirely reputable, it is definitely a possibility. As archaeologists continue to study the rest of the lake, they expect tot find more artifacts to help understand the Incas.
Edits
Centuries-old Inca offering discovered in scared lake
***All significant words in a title should be capitalized. Also, "scared" is not the correct word here; you mean "sacred". Also, although you didn't provide a source, this title is identical to the title of the National Geographic article that I think is your source for this summary. Because you're paraphrasing here and not directly copying, you should change this title to be in your own words.
Edited title: Ancient Inca Artifact Found in Lake
In Lake Titicaca, a scared place for the Andean Empire of Inca, archaeologists uncovered an andesite offering box, measuring about 14 by 10 by 6.5 inches.
***Change "scared" to "sacred".
Edited sentence: In Lake Titicaca, a sacred place for the Andean Empire of Inca, archaeologists uncovered an andesite offering box, measuring about 14 by 10 by 6.5 inches.
Sealed with a stone plug, the box contained a gold bracelet and a llama made from coral-hued shell.
***Good.
Not only that, archaeologists found similar offerings in other places that they presume were also sacred places to the Inca.
***Good.
According to the Spanish cleric, Alonso Ramos Gavilan, the Inca would sacrifice an animal or child and place their blood into the container; they would then lower the container into the water where the blood and water would mix, creating a blood cloud in the water.
***Good.
Although this source is not entirely reputable, it is definitely a possibility.
***Good extra analysis.
As archaeologists continue to study the rest of the lake, they expect tot find more artifacts to help understand the Incas.
***Correct the spelling of "to". Delete the extra space before "artifacts". The plural of "Inca" is also just "Inca".
Edited sentence: As archaeologists continue to study the rest of the lake, they expect to find more artifacts to help understand the Inca.
Final Edit
***Good work! Remember to always include a source for these paragraphs. Try to proofread your paragraph after it's finished; this will help to catch misspellings like "scared" instead of "sacred". Also, although most of your sentences are paraphrased from enough different sentences to not be plagiarized, try to use your own words when possible. Sometimes, when every different part of your sentences (this is true of the 2nd and 3rd sentences) is directly copied from the article but just from different parts of the article, it can still seem like the whole sentence is from the article and not in your own words. Try to find more of a balance between your own words and important, specific phrases from the article.
Edited paragraph:
Ancient Inca Artifact Found in Lake
In Lake Titicaca, a sacred place for the Andean Empire of Inca, archaeologists uncovered an andesite offering box, measuring about 14 by 10 by 6.5 inches. Sealed with a stone plug, the box contained a gold bracelet and a llama made from coral-hued shell. Not only that, archaeologists found similar offerings in other places that they presume were also sacred places to the Inca. According to the Spanish cleric, Alonso Ramos Gavilan, the Inca would sacrifice an animal or child and place their blood into the container; they would then lower the container into the water where the blood and water would mix, creating a blood cloud in the water. Although this source is not entirely reputable, it is definitely a possibility. As archaeologists continue to study the rest of the lake, they expect to find more artifacts to help understand the Inca.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/history/2020/08/centuries-old-inca-offering-discovered-sacred-lake/
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
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Original
Free tourism in Italy
As the coronavirus pandemic calms down, Italy is restarting tourism and funding 1.5 billion euros to pay for tourists' expenses. This funding comes in as vouchers where if a tourist uses it, it grants free admission to a museum and tour guides. However, this is not a long-term strategy and the government is trying to find one. Currently, the exact details of which companies will be helping, the ways to get the vouchers, and the amount of tourists that stand to benefit has not been revealed. https://www.thelocal.de/20200626/will-sicilys-tourism-voucher-scheme-help-it-survive-the-summer
Edits
Free tourism in Italy
***Make sure to capitalize all significant words in a headline/title.
Edited title: Free Tourism in Italy
As the coronavirus pandemic calms down, Italy is restarting tourism and funding 1.5 billion euros to pay for tourists' expenses.
***Grammatically this is good, but make sure to double-check your facts when citing from articles. The article states that 75 million euros will be used for tourists' expenses, which is being taken from a larger fund of 1.5 billion for the overall recovery of Sicily from the virus.
Edited sentence: As the coronavirus pandemic calms down, Italy is restarting tourism and funding 75 million euros to pay for tourists' expenses.
This funding comes in as vouchers where if a tourist uses it, it grants free admission to a museum and tour guides.
***Change the word "admission" to "access" so it better applies to both "museum" and "tour guides". Also, change "a museum" to the plural "museums", because these vouchers will be good for more than just one museum, according to the article. The relative pronoun "where" is technically fine here, but other prepositions or ways of structuring this sentence would be more fluid.
Edited sentence: This funding takes the form of vouchers, which, if a tourist uses one, will grant free access to museums and tour guides.
However, this is not a long-term strategy and the government is trying to find one.
***Good.
Currently, the exact details of which companies will be helping, the ways to get the vouchers, and the amount of tourists that stand to benefit has not been revealed.
***Change the verb "has" to the plural "have", because your subject is the plural noun "details". Change "amount" to "number", because the plural "tourists" can be quantified with an actual number.
Edited sentence: Currently, the exact details of which companies will be helping, the ways to get the vouchers, and the number of tourists that stand to benefit have not been revealed.
Final Edit
***Overall, good work. You can continue to improve by keeping an eye on your word choice - does it match what the article states as fact? If you're using one verb or noun to apply to multiple nouns, is that verb/noun the best fit for both of the words it applies to? Also, make sure your relative pronouns and subject-verb agreements are correct. Finally, in the future, try to follow the introduction/four fact sentences/conclusion format with your paragraphs. This paragraph only has four sentences, as opposed to the desired six.
Edited paragraph:
Free Tourism in Italy
As the coronavirus pandemic calms down, Italy is restarting tourism and funding 75 million euros to pay for tourists' expenses. This funding takes the form of vouchers, which, if a tourist uses one, will grant free access to museums and tour guides. However, this is not a long-term strategy and the government is trying to find one. Currently, the exact details of which companies will be helping, the ways to get the vouchers, and the number of tourists that stand to benefit have not been revealed.
Source: https://www.thelocal.de/20200626/will-sicilys-tourism-voucher-scheme-help-it-survive-the-summer
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
Original
Triathlete banned from sushi restaurant for eating too much
German triathlete, Jaroslav Bobrowski, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant for eating too much. He has a special diet where he does not eat for twenty hours, then eats until he’s full. He was a regular at Running Sushi until his last and hungriest visit. He ate about 100 plates of sushi, eating for five people, mentioned by a waitress. Despite eating this much, he still maintains less than ten percent body fat. Shocked, the triathlete was told that he was banned for eating too much. https://www.thelocal.de/20180914/german-triathlete-banned-from-all-you-can-eat-sushi-restaurant-for-eating-too-much
Edits
Triathlete banned from sushi restaurant for eating too much
***While this is a good title, make sure that all significant words are capitalized.
Edited headline: Triathlete Banned From Sushi Restaurant For Eating Too Much
German triathlete, Jaroslav Bobrowski, was banned from an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant for eating too much.
***This is very similar to the title of this article, which is "German triathlete banned from all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant for eating too much." In order to avoid any indirect plagiarism or too closely copying sentences from the article, try rephrasing this sentence to further differentiate from the words used in the article.
Edited sentence: A German triathlete named Jaroslav Bobrowski was asked to not come back to an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant after he ate too much of their food.
He has a special diet where he does not eat for twenty hours, then eats until he’s full.
***Again, this is very similar to part of a sentence directly from the article, which is "Bobrowski has a special diet, in which he doesn’t eat for 20 hours, and then eats 'until I’m full,'". To avoid any plagiarism, try to either directly copy the sentence from the article and put into quotation marks in order to correctly cite it, or rephrase it until it's significantly different from the article's phrasing while still containing the same information.
Edited sentence: The article states that he "has a special diet, in which he doesn't eat for 20 hours, and then eats 'until [he's] full.'"
He was a regular at Running Sushi until his last and hungriest visit.
***While this is not directly copied from a sentence in the article because you shortened and partially rephrased it, this could potentially still be considered plagiarism because you don't rephrase a very specific fragment, "until his last and hungriest visit", which makes up the latter half of your sentence. Sometimes copying more generic fragments from articles is unavoidable if you need to convey certain information, but in this case, the phrasing is specific to the author's style and there are other ways you could phrase this to accomplish the same meaning without directly reusing their words.
Edited sentence: The athlete often patronized the restaurant, Running Sushi, ending with his last visit, in which his hunger was more consuming than in previous visits.
He ate about 100 plates of sushi, eating for five people, mentioned by a waitress.
***Good; just make sure your facts are correct. The owner of the restaurant mentioned this fact, not a waitress.
Edited sentence: He ate about 100 plates of sushi, eating for five people, as mentioned by the owner.
Despite eating this much, he still maintains less than ten percent body fat.
***Good.
Shocked, the triathlete was told that he was banned for eating too much.
***Good, but try to rephrase the second part of this sentence just to avoid directly repeating your first sentence. Your conclusion should generally add something new to the paragraph while still summarizing the rest of what you said.
Edited sentence: Shocked, the triathlete was told that he was banned for costing the restaurant too much money by eating so much.
Final Edit
***Overall, good job. Continue to work on improving your rephrasing; often changing just one or two words from the article's sentence is not enough to avoid plagiarism, and some more creativity with word choice and sentence structure is required. Also, make sure that in titles/headlines, all of the significant words (i.e., not "to" or "a" or "the") are capitalized.
Edited paragraph:
Triathlete Banned From Sushi Restaurant For Eating Too Much
A German triathlete named Jaroslav Bobrowski was asked to not come back to an all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant after he ate too much of their food. The article states that he "has a special diet, in which he doesn't eat for 20 hours, and then eats 'until [he's] full.'" The athlete often patronized the restaurant, Running Sushi, ending with his last visit, in which his hunger was more consuming than in previous visits. He ate about 100 plates of sushi, eating for five people, as mentioned by the owner. Despite eating this much, he still maintains less than ten percent body fat. Shocked, the triathlete was told that he was banned for costing the restaurant too much money by eating so much.
Source: https://www.thelocal.de/20180914/german-triathlete-banned-from-all-you-can-eat-sushi-restaurant-for-eating-too-much
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
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Original
Mandatory Masks in Germany
Recently in Germany, the introduction of mandatory face masks has dropped the COVID-19 infection rate greatly. Masks were first made in Jena, a city in Thuringia, Germany. After noticing the infection rate dropping by forty percent in Jena, scientists ran an experiment with another area of Germany. They set up an experiment comparing Jena’s infection rates with mandatory masks and other areas’ infection rates with optional masks. Jena’s infection rates only rose from 148 to 152. While it would've risen from 143 to 205 if the masks were optional. This decrease in infection cases raised concerns whether the masks will become optional if the cases keep dropping; the government says they will keep the mandatory masks regardless how low the cases are. https://www.thelocal.de/20200709/how-face-masks-have-helped-slow-down-the-spread-of-coronavirus-in-germany
Edits
Mandatory Masks in Germany
***This is a good title.
Recently in Germany, the introduction of mandatory face masks has dropped the COVID-19 infection rate greatly.
***Good; this sentence is grammatically correct. However, for the sake of increased sentence fluency, try placing the adverb "greatly" before the verb "dropped" instead of at the end of the sentence.
Edited sentence: Recently in Germany, the introduction of mandatory face masks has greatly dropped the COVID-19 infection rate.
Masks were first made in Jena, a city in Thuringia, Germany.
***It looks like you dropped the word "mandatory" from this sentence; try to remember to proofread your sentences after writing them to catch missing words like this. Otherwise, good.
Edited sentence: Masks were first made mandatory in Jena, a city in Thuringia, Germany.
They set up an experiment comparing Jena’s infection rates with mandatory masks and other areas’ infection rates with optional masks.
***This sentence is good grammatically, but the word "they" could use some more clarification. Who are "they?" Substituting a more specific word in will help to make your summary more clear and succinct.
Edited sentence: German researchers set up an experiment comparing Jena’s infection rates with mandatory masks and other areas’ infection rates with optional masks.
Jena’s infection rates only rose from 148 to 152.
***Make sure you're being specific with your language here; there is a difference between a "rate" and an actual number. Try substituting the phrase "infection rates" for the more accurate "cases of infection". This will also help to avoid repetition of phrases from the previous sentence.
Edited sentence: Jena’s cases of infection only rose from 148 to 152.
While it would've risen from 143 to 205 if the masks were optional.
***Beginning this sentence with the word "while" implies you have a dependent clause followed by an independent clause, separated by a comma. Because you don't have that in this sentence, replace the word "while" with a word like "otherwise". Also, clarify this sentence by replacing the vague word "it" with a more specific phrase.
Edited sentence: Otherwise, cases would've risen from 143 to 205 if the masks were optional.
This decrease in infection cases raised concerns whether the masks will become optional if the cases keep dropping; the government says they will keep the mandatory masks regardless how low the cases are.
***Because you've already established the phrase "infection cases" previously, you can shorten it to just "cases" here to increase sentence fluency. The word "about" should be added before "whether". The word "of" should be added after "regardless" (the word "regardless" usually requires "of" after).
Edited sentence: This decrease in cases raised concerns about whether the masks will become optional if the cases keep dropping; the government says they will keep the mandatory masks regardless of how low the cases are.
Final Edit
***Good job! You did very well with summarizing the important information from the article while still using your own words. In the future, try scanning your paragraphs after you write them from an outsider's perspective. If there are more vague words like "it" or "they", ask yourself if it is clear what those pronouns are referring to. Also, keep an eye out for missing prepositions like "of" and "about", which can easily slip under the radar.
Edited paragraph:
Mandatory Masks in Germany
Recently in Germany, the introduction of mandatory face masks has greatly dropped the COVID-19 infection rate. Masks were first made mandatory in Jena, a city in Thuringia, Germany. German researchers set up an experiment comparing Jena’s infection rates with mandatory masks and other areas’ infection rates with optional masks. Jena’s cases of infection only rose from 148 to 152. Otherwise, cases would've risen from 143 to 205 if the masks were optional. This decrease in cases raised concerns about whether the masks will become optional if the cases keep dropping; the government says they will keep the mandatory masks regardless of how low the cases are.
Source: https://www.thelocal.de/20200709/how-face-masks-have-helped-slow-down-the-spread-of-coronavirus-in-germany
Edited by Natasha Vatalaro
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James, Try this one: https://www.thelocal.de/20180914/german-triathlete-banned-from-all-you-can-eat-sushi-restaurant-for-eating-too-much
And
This is Mr. Steve. You must condense your article to:
1. Headline
2. Topic sentence
3. Fact 1 sentence
4. Fact 2 sentence
5. Fact 3 sentence
6. Fact 4 sentence
7.Concluding sentence
8. Source: (The URL - the website that you got the news articles from. Like this: Source: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/long-sleeves-on-doctors-white-coats-may-spread-germs/ )
Try to edit the articles again ONLY as I explained above.
From September 16th to the 20th, it is National Construction Appreciation Day. We celebrate this day by recognizing the hard working people in constructing sites who build homes for us and the beautiful city. Also, post a picture with the caption: #thanksforbuilding. Not only that, tell those people thanks, after all, everyone diarrhea encouragement. Thus, ho outside and thank your local construction worker.
https://nationaldaycalendar.com/national-construction-appreciation-week-third-week-in-september-monday-through-friday/
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Today is September 15 or National Cleanup Day. We celebrate this day by cleaning up the environment. If every single person in the world picked up one piece of garbage, we can make a big difference. By participating in this day, you are sending a message to your community to keep the environment clean. Thus, go outside and pick up garbage; every effort counts!
https://nationaldaycalendar.com/national-cleanup-day-third-saturday-in-september/
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Today is September 14th or National Cream Filled Donut Day. This is a day where we all go out and eat a cream-filled donut, hence the name. Many people like common flavors such as: chocolate, vanilla and strawberry. Then, after you purchase the donut, you have to post a picture of the donut with the caption: #CreamFilledDonutDay. Thus, today, September 14th, is a day where we celebrate by eating a cream-filled donut.
https://nationaldaycalendar.com/2018/09/13/september-14-2018-national-live-creative-day-national-cream-filled-donut-day-national-virginia-day-national-eat-a-hoagie-day/
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SpaceX plans to send a Japanese tourist around the moon and back. The passenger will be riding in the BFR, one of the biggest pasenger vehicles ever. It is expected to travel half of the circumference of the Earth in about 30 minutes. Although, SpaceX still needs to design, build and test their rockets to see if they can make it to the moon. Until then, we must wait. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2018/09/news-spacex-elon-musk-moon-private-passenger-bfr-rocket/
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Will robots take our jobs in the future? Well, they will do that. There are automated farms, factories, and surgery. In fact, a dictatorship may form, giving the power to one small elite. Not only that, if AI is created, the robots may exterminate humankind as we have no purpose to them;this will eliminate all jobs. In conclusion, in the future, robots will eliminate millions of jobs.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2018/09/artificial-intelligence-democracy-biotech-book-talk/
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Rain and storm surges were the most dangerous during the Hurricane Florence. With the rain, 40 inches is to be expected in the next few days. While, during the hurricane storm surges are expected to destroy the coast the North Carolina. Due to this, Hurricane Florence is expected to be one of the most destructive storms. In conclusion, due to Hurricane Florence, storm surges and rain will be more destructive. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/environment/2018/09/news-hurricane-florence-dangerous-threats/
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There are some animals who puts their senses on strange parts of their body. For example, flies taste using their feet. While, butterflies taste with their feet and hear with their wings.Not only that, a seacumber’s eyes are on its butt. In conclusion, animals, unlike us, have unusual placement for their senses.
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/2018/09/insects-butterflies-anatomy-senses-animals/
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A New Version Of Night Vision
Sciebtist have discovered a new type of night vision in mice
Humans’ eyes need to simotaneously use parallel visions and contrast, movement, and much more.
However, mice’s eyes have a special cell in their retinas that are very sensitive to movement.
Due to this, the mice are able to avoid night predators.
In conclusion, scientists have discovered a new type of night vision that may apply to humans.
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37000 year art
Archaeologists have discovered an art piece dating back 37000 years ago
The piece itself is a smooth flake of silcrete and a iron-rich material that leaves a re pigment.
It was found inside Blombos Cave in South Africa.
Approximately 70000 years ago, the ocean tide moved up and down the sand dunes which helped seal the cave to prevent the artifacts from coming out.
Thus, scientist have discovered an ancient artifact that displays a form of art dating back 37000 years ago.
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Climate Change makes Hurricane Florence much worse
Climate change has caused Hurricane Florence to become much worse.
The climate change has created warmer water, air, and wind currents.
The US didn’t allow North Carolina to prepare for higher tides in 2015.
After this, the US allowed North Carolina to prepare for Hurricane Florence
Basically, due to climate change, Hurricane Florence became much stronger.
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- TITLE
Have you ever believed in a miracle, well a 13 year old has experienced one.
As a kid, he hanged out with his friend at the friend’s house as they rode a buggy.
However, little did he know that the friend pressed on the brakes to stop as Trenton flew out the buggy striking his head.
Trenton was rushed to a USA Medical Center and found out he had seven major skull fractures.
Yet, that wasn’t it since the doctor said they didn’t know if they could preform surgery to heal his injuries.
So the parents were depressed but convinced to sign a paper to donate his organs to other patients in need before he passes away.
However, a miracle happens to Trenton as he regains consciousness and woke up.
Luckily, Trenton was patched up and was okay just in time before the doctor took out his organs for donations.
- This is a story, this is not an article summary. Please rewrite with a source and a title.
- Source?
Edited by | Philip Kwong
Fully Edited Article Summary:
POLICE OFFICERS
The police officer is a job that requires strict and orderly personal. (As a police officer, the job entails that the officer should be strict and orderly.)
- I rewrote this sentence to make it flow smoother. "The police officer is a job..." is not grammatically correct, so I changed it to "As a police officer the job entails...". I also changed the ending of the sentence how that the officers are required to be strict and orderly, there is no use of the personal.
Being a police officer is to keep order and to resolve crimes. ( Some tasks of being a police officer include keeping order and resolving crimes.)
- The two items you listed are not the only tasks a police officer must do. I changed it to "Some tasks of being a police officer..."
Also, it is a police officer's job to teach civilians to get along and not to harm anyone.
- I changed their to police officer, to avoid having a vague sense.
Not only that, a responsibility police officer's carry, is that they must be aware at all times.
- I changed they to police officer's to avoid having a vague pronoun. You can leave the second they because you have already included the subject in the first part of the sentence. I also added a comma after carry, so there would be an adequate break in the sentence to make it flow smoother.
Awareness is important, because danger, crime, or trouble can be lurking and hiding, just around the corner.
- I changed this to awareness is important. I made this change to avoid having the vague pronoun again and to have a description of what the sentence will be about, before the list. I also added a set of commas to make the sentence flow smoother and have appropriate breaks in the sentence.
Lastly, a police officers should be healthy in physical prowess; as this will come in handy, while resolving any problems.
- For a police officer to be healthy is not a burden but recommended for them to be physically healthy; so I removed the phrase. I also added semicolons and commas to break up the sentence and prevent it from being a fragment.
In conclusion, being a police officer is a job that requires certain requirements and a very important job to the community.
- I changed and removed two prepositions to make the sentence smoother. You also forgot to add a period at the end of the sentence. Always remember to use your punctuation.
- This is more of a list of things you may know about police officer's, it does not seem like an article summary. I recommend rewriting based off an article.
- Where is the source?
Edited by | Philip Kwong
Fully Edited Article Summary:
POISON IS KILLING ANIMALS IN AFRICA
Poison is a major issue for animals in Africa.
A common way to kill animals is to use a poison projectile.
Although this benefits us, it damages other animals.
- There is no need of the word "only", there could be other ways to damage animals.
Mentioned in the article, a lion died, when it ate the carcass of a dead animal killed by a poison dart.
- I changed for example to mentioned in the article, to show a more direct example. I also added a comma into the sentence to break up the sentence.
The poison in the carcass then killed the lion.
- I added the word then in to make the sentence flow smoother and to show the progression of the events.
Thus, the use of the poison projectiles are causing damage to ecosystems in Africa.
- I rearranged some of the word order at the end of the sentence to have the sentence flow smoother. I changed it to damage to ecosystems in Africa.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/magazine/2018/08/poisoning-africa-kenya-maasai-pesticides-lions-poachers-conservationists/
Edited by | Philip Kwong
Fully Edited Article Summary:
ANIMALS ARE STARTING TO DISAPPEAR
Animal sources in tropical forests are getting scarce, due to the forest starting to disappear.
- We would start changing this topic sentence, by eliminating animal sources. Animal sources would be used to describe animals that would be eaten. The phrase could possibly be changed to "Different species of animals." We also could break this topic sentence into two sentences. We could break the sentence after "scarce." The next sentence could be written as: "These different species of animals are starting to be scarce because of the disappearing rain forests.
They face human abuse such as industry, pollution, and the environmental abuse such as: droughts and heatwaves.
- You have written a run on sentence. Specify what "they" are. You could list the possible abuses together, to have the sentence flow better. I.E. The animals face different types of abuse, such as: human, industry, pollution, and environmental abuse. We could move the examples of the environmental abuses into the next sentence.
Also, due to these conditions, animals that once were thriving can become scarce in less than a decade.
- This sentence that you wrote is more of a concluding sentence. As I mentioned in my correction in the sentence above, we could move those examples down. To have a complete sentence we can also combine the sentence below. So a sentence that could work would be: Conciding with the different types of abuse, are other negative factors such as: droughts, heatwaves, humidity, and amount of rain.
Not only that, the humidity of the tropics impact the rain in major agricultural places.
- For this fact sentence, relook at the article and insert a new fact. You could include the factor that the animals could disappear within a decade. (Based off the sentence you wrote above.)
- Based off the format Mr. Steve has presented, you need four fact sentences. You have included only three, so include one more.
- For this fact sentence, relook at the article and insert a new fact. You could include the factor that the animals could disappear within a decade. (Based off the sentence you wrote above.)
Thus, as the forest slowly disappears, these precious animals are starting to die out.
- I made some minor changes to this sentence. I changed disappear to disappears, to keep the verb tense appropriate. I changed "inhabitants" to these precious animals. Inhabitants is not the best word choice for the sentence, instead I followed the format with animals and just added the adjective precious, to give the sentence more depth. And I changed start to starting to keep the verb tense appropriate.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/environment/2018/08/news-biodiverity-tropics-climate-change-solutions/
Edited by | Philip Kwong
Fully Edited Article Summary:
MARS IS COMING FOR US
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This year, Mars will be the closest it has been in the last 15 years.
- To make the topic sentence stronger, add what Mars will be closest to.
It will enter in a vicinity of 25 million miles from Earth.
- Refrain from using "it", define what it is. I also made the correction of capitalizing Earth. You capitalize Earth when Earth is discussed as a celestial body.
People believed that dark crepes on Mars were canals made by extraterrestrial creatures.
- After reviewing your article source, I did not see anything about crepes. Crepes is a type of food. Did you perhaps mean craters?
However, this was quickly discarded as everyone else did not see such creates.
- Explain how this sentence would relate to the proximity Mars is to Earth.
- MISSING one more fact sentence!
Thus, extraterrestrial life was once thought to be on Mars, but was proven that there wasn’t.
- Concluding sentence does not relate to the topic sentence. Please rewrite.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/culture-exploration/2018/07/mars-closest-earth-fifteen-years-vintage-maps-news/
Edited by | Philip Kwong
Fully Edited Article Summary:
WILD FIRES
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Wildfires have benefits and disadvantages for the ecosystem.
According to the article, the wildfires can benefit predators such as: bears, raccoons, and raptors.
- A better way to start of the sentence would be according to the article instead for example. I also corrected the colon, where it follows such as, then space, then concluding with the examples. After reviewing the article, foxes was the not the example included, so I changed it to the example listed in the article, raccoons.
Although, the Australian fires may harm animals like the koala, as they can not move fast, so as they climb trees, it leaves them stuck.
- I added Australian to the fires, so there is another adjective and gives a better addition to the sentence. I also changed leaved it leaves, so it works grammatically with the sentence.
Not only, the fire may burn certain parts of the forest, but may result in the forest becoming more rich.
- Changed it to not only and but may result to have a better flow of the sentence.
- Add another fact sentence, refer back to the format.
Thus, wildfires benefit and damage the ecosystem.
- I changed yet to and to have the right coordinating conjunctions.
Source: https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2015/09/150914-animals-wildlife-wildfires-nation-california-science/
Edited by | Philip Kwong
Fully Edited Article Summary:
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ILLEGAL TIGER TRADE
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There has been and will continue to be, illegal tiger trade in Southeast Asia.
- With illegal tiger trade, it has not only occurred in the past but continues to happen in the present. So I changed the sentence to implement that. I also removed the word "by", there was no need for the word. It flowed smoothly enough with "in Southeast Asia."
A woman had a secret door in her living room wall, the secret door led to 3 white tigers in a cage.
- I changed the to her, this allows it to be more specific and it is her living room. The door physically can not contain the 3 white tigers, so I changed it to "the secret door led to."
The host offered two visitors a tiger, where they pay money per kilogram.
- I changed the to a to keep in the articles in check. I also reworded the last part of the sentence to make it flow smoother.
Those visitors were actually secret investigators; they recorded video evidence of the tiger, and the host was arrested.
- I removed secretly, you had secret twice in a single phrase.
- Refer to the format, you are missing TWO sentences.
- Fix the source, the site can not be found
Edited by | Philip Kwong
Fully Edited Article Summary:
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YOU WILL SLEEP NO MATTER WHAT
No matter your determination, you will succumb to the need of sleep.
To sleep, your brain must be slowed down.
A little known fact is, if you have thoughts, it delays you from sleeping.
Finally, an efficient way to fall asleep, is to think about non-stressing ideas while you are trying to sleep.
- Before a word that starts with a vowel, it should have an as the article before it.
Thus, to sleep, you must think non-stressful thoughts instead of stressful ones.
- The sentences after your topic sentence do not relate to the topic sentence. Please rewrite and add one more topic sentence.
Source: https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/2018/07/extreme-sleep-photos-wild-places-explorers/
Edited by | Philip Kwong
Fully Edited Article Summary:
GRAPHENE —————— Graphene is a hexagon shaped carbon which is one of the strongest and useful material ever found my mankind. Graphene can be used as a conductor as it is the world's most conductive material. Also, graphene is thin as a molecule yet, 100 layers of it can reflect a bullet.Not only that, graphene is 200 times better than kevlar and is 20 times better than steel armor as it is a material with the strongest tensile strength. In conclusion, graphene has many uses today and may help benefit the future.
Dark matter is a dangerous type of matter that 80% of the universe is made of and can end the universe. There are 3 types of dark matter. If dark matter has a value of -1, the universe will collapse on itself and squish all the galaxies into a smaller area, then a supermassive black hole will suck up all the planets and explode from the massive amount of mass.If the dark matter had a value more than 1, the universe will stop expanding(dark matter multiplies) and will densify all other matter, eventually, the universe will explode. If dark matter's value is 0, the universe will keep expanding and we will live peacefully. Thus, the world will most likely end due to dark matter.
Meditation is recommended to help people throughout the day. Meditation, that you meditate in a quiet location, you can remain calm to a certain amount. Meditation can also help in physical exertion, such as martial arts, exercising, etc. Meditation can also lead to the opening of the third eye. This is a very complicated process. This can help in visual prowess and more. Thus, meditation can aid a person throughout a day and throughout certain actions.
Martial arts is a subject or opportunity that all kids and adults should be exposed to. Martial arts is a series of physical techniques to defend oneself. Also, martial arts can substitute as exercise while learning new things at the same time. Not only that, it can also be a hobby for many people, as it is shown throughout the ages. Additionally, it can and influence kid's discipline and their manners. In conclusion, martial arts should be exposed to everyone as it can serve as exercise, a hobby, self-defense, or as a discipline.
The police officer is a job that requires strict and orderly personal. Being a police officer is to keep order and to resolve crimes. Also, it is their job to teach civilians to get along and not to harm anyone. Not only that, a responsibility they also carry is that they must be aware at all times.This is because danger, crime, or trouble can be lurking and hiding just around the corner.Lastly, a burden police officers carry is that they must be healthy in physical prowess as this will come in handy while resolving the problem. In conclusion, being a police officer is a job that requires certain requirements and is a very important job in the community
The multiverse is a universe with many universes inside of it and may or not be a theory that may or not be true. After the big bang, the light residue was left everywhere and has a temperature of -270 degrees Celsius or -470 degrees Fahrenheit. Also, in the light residue, scientists discovered an odd spot; this odd spot has a temperature that is slightly warmer than the average light residue. Not only that, many scientists and philosophers tried to settle on theories, but the most likely theory was that another universe may have collided with our universe. Thus, the theory of the multiverse may be true as scientific research has to lead to many conditions, resulting in the most likely theory...the multiverse.
The third eye is a fearsome and fearless achievement with its own risks. The third eye is an invisible and spiritual eye between the eyebrows awakened from meditation. Also, the third eye has wondrous abilities, such as: seeing clearly when blindfolded, psychic abilities, and more. Although, opening the third eye has its own risks as well. For example, when you open the third eye, you can see into other dimensions and see monsters/illusions. This may cause mental and spiritual trauma. In conclusion, the third eye is a legendary ability to unlock but has many negative aspects and traits about it.
The multiverse is the philosophical theory that our universe resides in an endless group of other universes, which may be possible as there are many theories. One theory explains that there are infinite universes next to each other like in a "giant patchwork quilt of the universes. Another theory called the "bubble universes" explains that our universe is in an inflating bubble with many other inflating bubbles. Also, another theory is that the universes are parallel, which explains that other universes are in different "slabs" that may bang into each other and cause another big bang. Thus, the multiverse is a theoretical idea which may be possible and will never be answered.
For many years, scientists and astronomers speculated a planet beyond Neptune, and the discovery of Pluto was discarded and not considered a planet. There have been speculations that a planet, comet, or asteroid will crash into to Earth, killing off humanity, but no possibilities as such have appeared, until now. This planet is called planet x, which is a Neptune-sized planet that lingers outside of the orbit of Pluto. Every few hundred years, the planet comes close to Earth, the last being 100000 miles from the Earth. The year before that was 120000 miles from Earth. Many people believe that planet x will crash into Earth and kill off humanity. This mystery can only be concluded n the future.
In martial arts, there is a secret technique to kick harder and takes less damage. This technique is called bone remodeling. What happens on impact of a bone and a hard object with 110 lbs of pound of force is the edges of the bone get slightly fractured. It is called micro fractures and cells called osteoblasts send calcium to repair the damage. When the bone gets shattered, the bone heals and makes it harder, denser, and more durable. Thus, bone remodeling is a secret techniques that not many people know about.
There are many theories about the universe from the multiverse to parallel dimensions. For example, the multiverse, one if the most popular theories, is the belief that there are multiple universes. Not only that, a parallel dimension theory is that multiple dimensions are stacked on top of each other, but they vibrate at different frequencies. Finally, another theory is that the Big Bang wasn’t the first Big Bang. Thus, the universe has many theories but none of them have yet to be proven.
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The only planet that appears to have liquid water in the solar system was Earth, but we were so wrong. When NASA sent a drone for exploration to Mars, they discovered that there was once water in Mars. In the samples they collected, they found ice within the rocks with living organisms and germs. They suspect that the water on Mars can be connected to the mysterious craters found on Mars.
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Birds are stereotypically expected to fly, yet an ostrich defies those expectations. The ostrich is a peculiar bird that doesn’t have the ability to fly. Also, due to its weight and short wings, it is not able to fly. However, while the ostrich can’t fly, it can run and clock up to 60 mph. Thus, the ostrich is a bird, where it is not able to fly, yet it still can move faster than some birds by running.
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Scientist have discovered that one of Jupiter’s moons can sustain life on Earth. It ya called Euro. Euro may be able to sustain life, since it has liquid water in its surface, as well as, some land. Not only that, the temps tired rest at -110 degrees farheinheit, which is just as cold as the North Pole, and some humans live there. So, life is a possibility on Jupiter’s moon, Euro.
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